Chubby Behemoth - Case Closed

Episode Date: November 26, 2020

Pinkeye King. Rose-Art Test. Bub Nasty.   This weeks sponsor Hold The Phone! https://holdthephone.tv/    Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth.   Extra Episodes at Patreon.com/chubbybehemoth

All right. Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho! Merry Thanksgiving to all you lonely, sad fucks listening to this instead of being with literally anyone who gives a shit about you. Welcome to the holiday episode of Chubby Behemoth, America's number one podcast for people who are... You know, they have the rifle built online, they just haven't bought it yet.

They've got the manifesto written they just have to print it out at a Kinko's or an OfficeMax. Yeah. Maybe hang on for another week. Maybe next week's episode will be even better than this one. So maybe don't go into that post office just yet.

If this is all you have to live for, Jesus Christ, just do it. Just do it, you pussy. Do something. That's a sad reality to consider.

Yeah. Check out some other podcasts too, I guess. Yeah, don't rely on us with our fucked up schedules.

Yeah, maybe listen to NPR or something or join a book club. You know what's pretty fun about listening to Colorado Public Radio is one of the morning guys is named Steve Inskeep. And he sounds kind of like Fred Willard. So that is fun. Like, you know, he'll interview somebody and I just start imagining what Fred Willard would have asked. Yeah, what kind of hat he's wearing, what kind of faces he's making. I heard he interviewed a meteorologist about weather patterns or something. I can't remember what it was, but I just started thinking of Fred Willard.

Have we tried reasoning with the weather? Is there somebody we could talk to to see if there could be some type of peace treaty or some negotiation? There's maybe some less windy days. Are we sure the sun's not the moon but backwards? Have we looked into this yet? Now clouds, is it God's hair? Can we get to the bottom of this?

Yeah, it makes it a little more fun when you're listening to the nightmares that are all around us, politically, socially. Yeah, gives it a little bit of levity. Doppler. That kind of sounds like Pop-Tart. I wanted to comment on your choice of soap dispensers.

Oh, God, we're in my house. We're at your house. We're in the guest bedroom. We're in Fort Collins, Colorado. Went to the bathroom, as humans tend to do now and again. And you're learning. You're adapting to our rules. Yeah, I found the toilet.

I was like, all right, I guess this is where we dump. You put down that stovepipe hat. And I go, afterwards, I go to wash my hands and you guys have, like, the Peter North of soap dispensers because I go to just get a little squirt

and I just got shot in the stomach with a bunch of soap jizz. Well, our soap dispenser's been taking a lot of zinc. It's trying to impress the sink because he's jealous of how much water comes out of the tap you know right yeah just constantly feeling lesser than but yeah i don't know maybe the soap dispenser sneezed at the same time that i went to but yeah it just shot all over me why the soap dispenser the the nozzle is pointing straight out. Sure. It's just, so you have to... 90 degree angle.

You gotta come at it with a real flat hand and then like, I don't know. So yeah, that's why it looks like I jizzed on my own tummy. I just had an epiphany. Does zinc make your loads better? 100%. I don't know if it's better, it gives it more volume. Was that Peter North's move? No, I think he was Albanian.

Yeah, because they got fucking... Natural talent. They got just reserves. They got all that genocide load. I always thought my loads were bigger when I was a machinist, and now that makes a lot more sense. My loads are bigger when I listen to Machine Head. That's for sure.

Whenever I put that on, I'm painting the walls. It's like a toothpaste tube exploded inside my wife's butt. Because I only blow on the butt. I don't want her pussy to get jealous. Also, I think that something could be said about you being too dumb to use a soap dispenser. Now, I know we don't want to address that. Because God forbid you're dumb and I'm not dumber than you. I'm saying, if I want to get a little bit of soap out of a dispenser, I want it to

go down towards the earth where my hand is. I don't want to have to be a catcher and crouch and give the signal. And it was like at a thousand miles an hour. All of a sudden, I'm just covered. That's how we're living up here, man. We're in a hurry.

I don't even sit down to poop anymore i'm washing my hands while i'm dumping it's called the preemptive strike that sounds like an all right move it's not one of the things that you wipe though oh you know also i gotta say this i've washed my hands so much during corona i used to fake wash my hands you guys ever do that one i think not since like the second grade yeah i think you've told me that and i was like oh okay good i'm glad we hang out a lot we used to smoke weed like past joints i'd just be in there you know winking at myself in the mirror got him again it's incredibly stupid you did it up until covid right oh yeah it was your move and you yeah and then you felt like you had to tell people you told me confided in me that uh yeah you had a shameful little secret what's the seventh step

you know i'm trying to i'm trying to make good but yeah you know if you're in like a studio apartment and you got a girl out there and you're like yeah hey baby i gotta go in here and blow my nose then you just rip a heinous turd not only would i not turn the fan on i would also fake wash my hands i'd leave the tap running. And then just look at your phone. Yeah, for sure. Make sure my dick was just hard enough.

Pregame your dick. Yeah, talk it up. Hey, we got a big game coming. Alright, we're gonna leave it all on the field. I'm gonna repeat a last week. In El Segundo I want add attention, I want at least

two and a half minutes of your best I want the best two minutes that you got when we run out of water in like ten years, I'm going to feel really bad about the fact that I washed I fake washed my hands for

32 years I don't think it's going to be, that's not going to feel really bad about the fact that I washed... I fake washed my hands for 32 years. I don't think it's going to be... That's not going to be your fault. You don't have to feel responsible. Because they reused the water, right? The water that you were using, they would have reused. They would have gone back to a water treatment. So I kept it a little cleaner, honestly.

You were doing your part. Yeah, you save somebody labor. Right, but I did give a lot of people salmonella. I shared a lot of bags of fritos you're the pink eye king like johnny apple see but with pink eye spreading it from coast to coast yeah oh that looks like you got a little eyelash in your eye let me let me give it a try yeah i definitely like fingered girls after fake washing yeah that's awful it sucks not a good move no i wish i could say i'm deeply ashamed, but I think I was gaming the system.

I really felt smart while I was doing it. Yeah, you thought you were Bill Gates in there. I did, yeah. Coming out ahead. Oh, man. Yeah. Not a good move. If you're out there, I mean, our listeners are probably not even fake washing.

Not a good move. If you're out there, I mean, our listeners are probably not even fake washing. They, yeah, they think it's a weakness to wash your hands or use a napkin. Yeah, use a toilet. Yeah, they're just filling up Mountain Dew bottles, putting them underneath the futon like little dirty eggs waiting to hatch. I used to do that a lot, too. Yeah, I think we covered that in an episode that your mom at one point discovered. Yeah, like went into your... Have we ever talked about my mom found all the porno in my cargo shorts?

No. Oh, yes. Yeah, she did. Okay. Because you were selling it? Yeah. You were selling porno? You had different pockets?

I did, yeah. For different tastes and persuasions. That was a pretty good hustle. So yeah, I mean, look, I was out there selling porn in sixth grade, fake washing my hands. There's a lot to learn from me. You know, I lead by example. That's all pretty good hustle. So, yeah, I mean, look, I was out there selling porn in sixth grade, fake washing my hands. There's a lot to learn from me. You know, I lead by example. That's all I'm saying. Basically, my dad did a pie prank today.

Yeah, that sounded funny. My dad baked a pie. He baked multiple pies because he's sober. And it's either that or, you know, punch my mom where the bruises don't show. So, I'm kidding. She falls a lot. From her stroke. Yeah, so he made a pie and he gave it to Mel when he was out at the house working on the farm.

And he went to hand Mel the pie. Slipped on what I presume to be a backup pie that he forgot was on the ground and fell and put his hand in the pie that was fresh out the oven and I can only imagine how furious my dad must have been because he's like always very like he's keeping a cool veneer

but underneath that water there's a Leviathan waiting to surface he's just ready to be furious yeah that's how it goes uh huh yeah so he just you know my mom's probably yelling at him like put more though she's saying like fruit fruit more more fruit fruit more more fruit sophie julie uh and my dad's just in there cranking the steely dan and the secret headphones he wears.

And then Mel... Just nodding. Yeah, just nodding. I mean, how stoked is he on Mel? You know, he loves Mel a lot. And he's like, hey man, I made you a pie because I love you. And then he just fucking,

you know, Peter North slaps in his own waist. Yeah, that is pretty perfect. It would only have been better if he would have slipped and sat in the pie or maybe the pie goes up in the air and then lands on his head and then he bows like a chinaman yeah pretty perfect

almost perfect but good enough for an unrehearsed well who knows he has a lot of time on his hands that might have been take two he could be working on cool bits and solid gags all day if I was alone I mean I'm alone

I got some cool bits with Gordy but god my mom probably laughed at him a lot which always pisses him off. No one likes their wife to laugh at them. Well, it can be okay. I had a pretty good, I cracked up Megan a few nights ago,

because I guess she woke up at like four in the morning and smelled what she thought was dog shit. Her first thought was that one of our two dogs pooped somewhere in the house because it thought was dog shit. Her first thought was that one of our two dogs pooped somewhere in the house because it smelled like dog shit. So she gets out of bed and starts looking for this pile of dog shit that certainly must be behind this smell.

She gets the metal detector out. She knows. Yeah, she gets a bunch of paper towels. Yep. And then as she's wondering... She just so happened to be next to the bed for some reason. It's a quicker picker-upper. But yeah, she said when she was looking around in the bedroom,

I farted for a second time. Yeah. And she smelled dog shit again. Case closed. She was able to go back to bed. She took her monocle off. Hung up her houndstooth cap. That's right, yeah.

Another mystery solved. She got to the bottom of you. It was my bottom, yeah. It was, yeah. So yeah, that was... I think typically mine aren't extremely bad. You're crazy. I'm not crazy. I say a lot about land of shit. Yeah. Your farts stink. You aren't extremely bad. You're crazy. I'm not crazy. I say a lot about land of shit.

Yeah. Your farts stink. You don't know anything. I do too. You're not around me that much. Oh my god. You love to rip them. The last few years, you don't know.

I think that without drinking, that helps. I think they're a lot drier. Well, yeah. Because you used to look, it was bad. It was like a Rojart test. Rojart was bad it was like a rose art test rose art test it was like spin art

in your underwear I had a gyroscope down there yeah training astronauts in my aim I puked he's not gonna make it

never going to space you it never going to space you're never going to Mars they must fart all the time in those pods in the suits that'd be so sick dude if you were in zero gravity and you farted

and you scooted across the air if it propelled you well yeah you'd be weightless so maybe you could have a little propulsion

dude I bet you're pretty gassy too without like gravity helping separate the solids from the gas in your body. I bet you have tiny gas all the time. Yeah, you always have the bends constantly, but in your butt. Dude. You are incapable of getting the bends. That's pretty good.

I am, yeah. A nice side effect of your buoyancy. You can't dive deep enough for the bends to get you. No, dude. I get the bends. I go, yeah. A nice side effect of your buoyancy. Like a rope. You can't dive deep enough for the bends to get you? No, dude. I get the bends. I go after them. You can't even bend over. No.

Touch your toes, let alone get the bends. Yeah, if you can't bend over, you also can't get the bends. Right, that's the way to look at it. Yeah, that's the way to remember. It's a fun mnemonic. Too fat to bend. I do wish that I could go underwater. I can't even hit the bottom of a pool.

You know how people breathe out and they just float to the bottom? We watched Palm Springs last night with Andy Samberg, and he's just hanging out in the bottom of the pool. I've never sat and cross-legged underwater. Ever in my life. Even in a bathtub, I still float. I can't touch the linoleum. I've never known the feel of porcelain on my rump.

On my nude hind. It really blows. Yeah. So if you blow out bubbles underwater, nothing happens. Well, the way I've always learned it from people who uh aren't as beautiful as me aren't as special is that if you empty your lungs you float to the bottom because the air is what keeps you buoyant that's what makes you float right but me it's like i'm always wearing some kind of life preserver. A hundred balloons. Yes. Right now, probably 130 after vacation.

Yeah, but I do envy people. A fun one we used to do was you put a little bit of water in a bathtub, get completely nude, and then try and fart in it. What? Yeah, that's fun. You and the gang used to do that? Yeah, me and the goof around bunch. Me and Bonzo and Sam Gamgee would uh take turns getting in the

bathtub you pull your shorts down then you try and fart so hard that the water like shot out like a rooster tail oh yeah that was always fun i did that more than you know more than seven days of my life i've been spent trying to perfect this technique and that's probably why gamgee killed himself because uh he was never gonna be as good at me that was in the manifesto that was yeah it was a grievance and it's even better if you're in like a glass bathtub or one that's like really concussive with the force because you can really get a hold of that water and send it shooting oh you you can do it yeah for sure like if you guys were trying to chase an impossible dream no no no

I think we perfected it I thought it was like some kind of urban legend so you guys were trying to pull it off no we made this up this was just us

in the lab this was on the dream board Guinness hit us up and they were like please stop we heard what you guys are up to

we caught wind of the bathtub antics yeah no records have been set no maybe for depravity or boredom Stop. We heard what you guys are up to. We caught wind of the bathtub antics. Yeah, no records have been set. No. Except maybe for depravity or boredom. My friend Justin tried to do it one time, and he couldn't do it, and he was, like, super bummed and had to leave.

He, like, left the apartment because we were all doing it, and he couldn't. He got shamed. We made fun of him so bad. He got shamed. Cool butthole, idiot. What are you, a virgin? We talked. Guinness just reminded me that we had the idea for one of the too much funcibles.

We wanted to set a world record. I don't remember why we didn't pursue it further. Well, it's because the world record was pogo sticking and I tried it once. We don't know where that pogo stick went. It just shot up into the sky. It just never came down. Yeah, someone in Nepal thought it was a pegasus.

They're like, wow. Yeah, people in remote villages thought it was their new god. Yeah, exactly. That pogo stick has been drawn on a cave wall. The prophecy was true. The crops grow better. Have you ever seen any pogo sticks? No.

Dude. Sounds amazing. It sucks. The spring does not recoil. Well, have you tried one of the, like, extreme, the adult ones? No. They make ones that are loaded with gas instead of a spring. Whoa, piston powered?

No, like a car shop. Internal combustion. Holy shit. You gotta turn it on. You gotta warm it up. There's a jackhammer where you get rid of the flat head on the bottom. They jump like 10-15 feet in the air.

The videos of people fucking that up are amazing. How do I not know about this? I don't know. I love industrial accidents. Yeah, that sounds worth it. I feel like Sharpie would have sent me this video if it existed.

So you were going to set the Guinness record for heaviest guy to bounce on a pogo stick four times? Exactly once, yeah. We called him. We're like, listen,

he did it. He counted. He got air. We've got both pieces of the pogo stick. We can show you listen, he did it. He counted. He got air. We've got both pieces of the BOGO stick. We can show you. It was only like 400 bucks. Only 400 bucks for me to embarrass myself by it not working. You know what I want?

What? It's not 400 bucks, but I want those watercraft that shoot the heavy stream. Oh, my God. So you can be like, you're like Dr. Octopus in the middle of the lake, you know? Those look cool. Yeah. Those look fun. I wonder if you could do, like, a rental,

like, you can do it for a, an half hour for a hundred bucks. Yeah. Probably, right? And when you rent it, they follow you with a jet ski instead of you having, like, the little thing that you've got to pull

with your own weight. How do you get up, though? You balance, or you go forward enough and then get out in front of yourself once you're above the water. I feel like this would be another scuba diving incident with me. Where everyone would be having a blast. Just their hot bodies in the sun

floating high above the water. And then I'm down with a snorkel. They're like, we're perfecting the air, why don't you perfect under the water? Just beneath the surface, just a little. there's a whole world down there too people are flying around me yeah i wonder the weight belt falls off and i float away in his face i truly feel like that if burt kreischer can do it you can do it maybe 200 pounds. No. No, he's not right now.

He is at the end of October when him and those guys play that weight game every year. Oh, yeah. Wait, wait, don't tell me. It's heart disease, Bert. I said don't tell me. Way to follow the show format. No weight at all. Dude, it'd be sick if we could get those things on land though yeah well and i used to have a wheelbarrow filled with water going with you everywhere you're like hey i thought the bathtub was cool check this out

what was what were we gonna set What was the record we were going to set? I don't know if we got that far. That sounds like us. You're like, you know what would be cool? We always had, especially you, had big, big, we wanted it to be big and memorable. And you would start with pie in the sky. I was like, let's rent elephants.

Yeah, elephants. Elephant polo. We did get a bounce house. But we thought of, I don't know, I can't even think of the other shit where you just, and it would be like a month out. And you're just like, what if we got a hundred paintball guns and had like a whole city-wide paintball fight? And it's like, yeah, we don't have ten grand. fight and it's like, yeah, we don't have ten grand. What if we had like a platinum box and everyone could sit

in there for one hour and we would just release penguins and frogs in there alternately. Yeah, the coolest petting zoo of all time. Yeah, but your eyes are closed and people can do whatever they want to you. Like Shia LaBeouf's art exhibit. We get a dunk tank, you're like, what if we had

John Elway in there? Yeah, that'd be sick. That'd be cool. He's not gonna do it, though. Well, guys, I got a surprise for you. Bernie Kosar. We don't want Bernie, who cares? That dunk tank was cool, though. Also, I had sex in that bounce house and it sucked. It was really bad.

All the kids were complaining to their moms. I mean, what's that man doing to that woman they weren't bouncing anymore after that they were very somber they just file out like a funeral procession just changed forever like coal miners leaving the mine

after a collapse just a dead eyed thousand yard stare meanwhile I'm like leaving the mine after a collapse. Just a dead-eyed thousand-yard stare. Meanwhile, I'm like, Why did it suck? Because your back was getting scraped by twigs? Yeah, it was like you were just getting rug burns all over your entire body.

I came out of there like I rolled down a hill nude. It sucked. Also, the carting wasn't... he wasn't stoked. If you turn on the generator. A bounce house collapsing on children? Is there a better joy in the world? Them going from like, yeah, yeah,

ah, ah, oh no! Yeah, I'm glad, we did have kids, neighborhood kids that ended up getting in there and I remember feeling like that made it a little

less weird that we got one because kids got to use it instead of just adults no kids allowed we weren't looking to invite children over because everybody was drinking and partying also if we were just out in the streets like hey kids

we got a bounce house. Come on over. But yeah, we had the bounce house at Mouth House. And so yeah, the neighborhood kids saw it and they were like, hey, what's up? So yeah, it worked out. Also, we were afraid of all those neighborhood kids. They were tough. They were tougher than us. For sure. They had seen some shit.

There were a couple of longshoremen that were like 10. Come on, let me get in the bounce house, you fucking prick. Come on, give me a couple of longshoremen that were like 10. Yeah. Come on, let me get in the bounce house, you fucking prick. Come on, give me a taste of anti-gravity. Let me show you this bathtub trick I've been working on. 10-year-old's like, let me bring my kids over. Can we have sex in there? You got it.

Hey, how much to have sex in this bounce house? You got it, kid. The dunk tank was cool until Bob Maurer kept showing his dick to everyone. Dunk tank was cool until Bob Maurer kept showing his dick to everyone. Dunk tank was cool. I'm glad I wore black underwear for the dunk tank. Yeah. I mean, not that I had a Bob Maurer dick to conceal. But it was nice to not have all my secrets out there for the world.

Yeah. I mean, it's always better for people not to know how your dick looks when you're afraid and wet right yeah I think that's a win no shrinkage though that's how my dick looks

all the time cold wet shriveled he's bragging about it like look it's this way all the time this is 24-7

you think this is cool you're in luck you should see me when I don't feel good it's just gone there's nothing down there This is 24-7. You think this is cool. You're in luck. You should see me when I don't feel good. It's just gone. There's nothing down there. It's a little IOU. It says BRB. Yeah, Baumhauer's dick was never fun.

Because we would go skinny dipping after the Squire and be like, uh-oh, Baumhauer's on the diving board. I better seal this deal now. Yeah, I better get charming real quick. Or else I'm going home alone. Hopefully the stars are out so I can say, hey, you want to go look at them? Because when that thing comes out, it's getting dark. There was a time once where, I think it was after the Squire,

me and Greg and a young lady that I had been kind of seeing, I think we were in a cab or somebody else was driving me to my house and I thought this young lady was going to get out with me because we had been hanging out or whatever and she did not and I knew what that meant it wasn't a seatbelt

safety first safety fourth fourth hole, fourth base Safety first. Safety fourth. Fourth hole. Fourth base. Bombers, the original fourth meal. 3 a.m. Yeah,

I literally remember trying to like hook up with the old HC and I was like, I got, I got like 10 minutes before this is about to be

impossible because bottom hour's he's about to go you know let people swing from the rafters we broke into a pool one time and like within four minutes bottom hour was having sex with two people in the hot tub what am i supposed to do where am i at when does sam get a taste if it was a bounce house maybe all. I was getting towels for people. You guys are doing good. You still had your shirt on. For sure. I had my overalls on probably.

That was during the overall period. People would try and break into that pool. Did you ever break into that pool? Congress Park. Congress Park. I don't think I ever went. I literally went and I couldn't get over the fence. I had to watch from the outside.

People were having a lot of fun. Just dragging a metal cup along the bar. Giving people their mail. Anybody need anything from the park? Yeah. You guys need a stick? There's some pine cones. I can juggle. Check this out.

Swallow a pine cone. I think I saw a rabbit earlier we could we could try to find that guy oh man one time Evan Giblets

threw a rock at a rabbit and the rabbit was stunned and we were like oh god it was so horrifying it was a 20 mile

at the movie theater and we were like oh fuck and then Giblets was like what's the big deal and he went over and he snapped it

with his bare hand he snapped the rabbit's neck whoa probably not necessary totally unnecessary because the rabbit's neck. Whoa. Probably not necessary. Totally unnecessary. Because the rabbit was going to be okay. Eventually it was just a defense

mechanism to freeze up or whatever. It's alright, time to die. Oh, yeah. Jesus Christ. You know when you know a kid for 12 years and then they snap a rabbit's neck before you're about to see, I don't know, a soul plane? Yeah, a soul plane.

What was the movie with Redman and Meth? How High. We were seeing How High. That was very high. And Jim was barehanded a rabbit to death. Threw it in the flatbed of his truck. It's fucking terrible. No popcorn for me tonight. I'll be alright. I got a rabbit in the flatbed of his truck. It's fucking terrible. No popcorn for me tonight. I'll be alright.

I got a rabbit in the flatbed. Yeah. Oh, fuck. Nice. Yeah. Funcible was a good time, though, man. Funcible was good. Nice way to end the summer. We did four of them, I think, and we got some good

comics to come in and be a part of it to add to the... So it wasn't just local people. It wasn't all local turds. Local improvisers. That's the worst term in your bio. This local improviser. Pass. I just...

The auditions are over. You'll never be the face of Cosmos Pizza. Get out of here. I saw someone today or yesterday on Facebook somebody said hey anybody have any recommendations for a good online improv class and I just closed

Facebook forever alright I'm done delete your account can you imagine online improv dude in personperson improv classes are already hell it sucks you've got like tina whose husband just died at 55 and she didn't imagine she'd have so much time in her twilight years yeah so she's in there trying to mix it up just doing fucking rachel drash characters like she's literally just doing debbie downer in every scene looking at a

camera that isn't there yeah gurning you can't you can't break the fourth wall yeah or you got pete the funny guy at the office maybe his name's pete cohen and you never forgot you know no there was this guy pete in my improv class then there was a 75 year old woman named dolores this was in level one improv and like me and galloway and ryan magley were in there like trying to do some really cool stuff right like yeah you've got the basics down you know what not to do and then you get to have is trying to have fun right and and like improve each other every time you learn a really hard thing yeah and then one time Dolores we were in a scene and she said birds and like tried to run away from the birds and everyone laughed because it was hilarious. And she's like...

Because there weren't any birds. There were no birds. She voted for FDR and she's running from fake birds. And then from every scene on out, Dolores hit the birds line. She leaned on it? Yeah! Oh no! This is like when I was getting

banged out by Alfred Hitchcock. Dolores, you've seen some shit. Hit us with some insider knowledge. You know, tell us what Motown was really like. And instead it's like, hey, look at that rainbow. Birds! Alright, well yeah, those aren't birds. Trying to save the scene.

Yeah, that's gotta be rough. Like, people that don't do stand-up think that it's scary but i like the idea that you know you're gonna talk that whole time yeah maybe maybe yeah and then maybe somebody else talks but they're not supposed to no not just dreading the the certainty that you're gonna have to listen and react to some random idiot yeah who's just trying to find something. Just fill that hole in their heart. Yeah, like I was 18.

Yeah. I was like, I want to do improv. I want to be a professional comedian. And then you have people who like, you know, someone told them they were funny once at a barbecue. And now they have that as like the thing they lean on instead of, you know. That keeps them from putting a rope around their neck and tying it real tight this time yeah you know yeah no fakesies yeah not just to come this one's this one's not to win an argument yeah this one's not to uh you know bum out your wife for 10 minutes yeah this bird is the real deal she tried to change it up she

was like flamingos it's like no dolores no, Dolores. We're in space. We're literally in a pod in space right now. What don't you get? Flamingos? No. They fly with those long-ass legs just dangling? They better. They got some joints in there.

YouTube will settle this after the pod. You know why flamingos are pink? Grits. No, because they're communists. Yeah.

Stinko pinkos. They only eat shrimp and they turn pink. What a great life. That's why you were bright pink that one time. Yeah, for that fateful three months

in 2007. When you lived right behind the Asian Cajun. Yeah, all the shells you can eat. I didn't know that the Asian Cajun existed until he went there for Bobby's birthday.

Remember that, like three years ago? It's been there forever. I felt like I missed out on something. It was like watching people swim in Congress Park from behind the bars. Knowing that the Asian Cajun has been rocking and rolling since 87 or whatever. Yeah, there's so much good food

on Federal that you don't know about if the Westward doesn't cover it every other weekend or whatever. If Urest doesn't tell you it's the best thing he's ever eaten. Yeah, Urest helped us with Federal for sure. He also made me feel bad about enjoying things. So it's kind of a toss-up. Yeah. You're like,

hey man, I just found out about this cool thing called Taco de Mexico. And then yours is like, well, actually. How'd the yours episode go? It was good. Yeah? Yeah. We had a good time. We talked about your bachelor party.

We talked about melon ball. That was the best. Remember when it exploded on someone's chest and we all flipped out as we were tripping mushrooms? Yeah, yeah. We were all very high.

Oh, and the best part was how when it finally broke after like three hours, it cracked, but it had all been like shook up so much that it was just all loose. And then we did scene work.

I put it on my head and I was like, it's a pit helmet. And then that lady who worked there was like, birds. I was like, Dolores. You've got a bird on your head. No.

I am a turtle. You idiot. Remember Stefan Williamson was trying to, like, be real dark and mysterious at my bachelor party? No, I don't remember that. Oh, it's crazy. He was, like, going through, like, a weird Hunter S. Thompson phase. So he had the glasses that Hunter would wear and he had the hat,

the visor. I remember that look. Then he would smoke cigarettes with the cigarette holder. It's like, what happened to you? I wish that everybody would have agreed long ago to keep cigarette holders as a thing. They don't have to be

four feet long. The little spring-loaded ones are nice. They don't have to be made of hippo bones. So you don't smell like you just fingered the Marlboro Man's anus every time you want to suck on a butt for a little bit. Well, the smell's one thing. I don't know how much you smoke, but the discoloring of your own fucking hand. Are you getting yellowed?

I mean, my fingers are. Do you have jaundice tip? I've had this since I was like 17. Oh my god, I don't think I ever got to that point. I was smoking like three packs a day once. You know what I would do though, is I would put a cigarette out and then put it behind my ear and then go into class in college. And then just be stinky head and turd face. Just reek like a coffee can outside.

Yeah, I'm in there defending Stalin in my rhetoric class. Bright pink. Yeah, bright pink With all the shrimp I want to do that experience Because they have to eat Like five times Their body weight Than shrimp

Right Because they're like Sounds doable Yeah Okay They're like sheet white Without it They're sheet white

Yeah they have a couple At the zoo in Colorado Springs And when I was younger There were a handful That like wouldn't eat what they gave them. And they looked wild because they were white when I was 11. So I'd be like, a flamingo? Do they take on the color of anything they eat?

No, I think it has to have the right bioavailability in the color that's in the animal. Like shampoo? No, I think like crustaceans. I think the red in them, it's not like a melanin. It's not like a thing that reacts with other chemicals in your body to make a color. I think it is just pigment. Interesting. Yeah.

Shells are weird to think about. Yeah. How do they make these shells? Like, if you think about it, there's not a bunch of calcium in the water. They're not eating fingernails and hair. Yeah. Like, what are those things made out of? You ever try to bite into an oyster shell?

No. It hurts. It hurts. It sucks. It's like eating a pistachio shell. That sucks too. You've all pulled that bonehead move, right? Well, and you've got one that won't open. When I was a kid,

I did not get the hang of sunflower seeds, so I would just fucking mow them and then swallow these shards of... Yeah, just fuck up my trachea. So I don't think this soap dispenser is my fault.

Too young for sunflower seeds. This was when my tongue was a virgin and didn't know what it was doing, so there was no dexterity in my mouth. You weren't writing the alphabet. I got better... I got better at it. And now I'll put a friggin' big ol' lip full.

What about instead of... You know how you're supposed to trace the alphabet with your tongue when you give head? What if it was... Well, I got two options for this one. They're both pretty upsetting. So, cuntalingus. You spell that over and over with your mouth? No, because it's like cuntalingus You spell that over and over with your mouth? No, because it's like cuntalingus

So the spelling one makes more sense for this Cuntaligraphy Yeah, that's pretty good That's fun It's not fun Saying it sucks It's so many hard consonants Cuntaligraphy

Cuntaligraphy is kind of like a reward at the end of it It's so hard. So many just hard consonants. Yeah. Contligraphy. Ugh. Contligraphy is kind of like a reward at the end of it. You know, it's like after you work out, you get to eat a whole moon pie. Ooh. Yeah. A whole... Have you ever had less than a whole moon pie? Sometimes I've bitten into a moon pie and I've thrown it out the window. Why?

You get an old moon pie? But it's like eating cardboard and sand. The marshmallow is rock hard. A moon pie is already a wartime treat You know what I mean It's like okay the victory garden is planted Let's get a moon pie and an RC Cola God do I love moon pies

Yeah but you're a fucking freak Have you ever had a homemade one No There's a bar in the springs that makes them Why don't you go there right now We're defending the word snacks Muffin man Yeah no fucking why don't you go there right now we're defending the word snacks muffin man uh yeah no so i i like sunflower seeds every now and then i'll eat a handful of them with the

shells on because you get all the flavor just a dill pickle yeah just to feel something new and there's some as a sensualist like uh david you don't want to eat a bunch of them and that's what i was chewing on as a kid, like a moron. But Spitz, dill pickle, like Spitz, I think across the board, is a softer shell. So not as insane to swallow those. But like I said, I got good. I can do it. But yeah, David, you're just asking for a bunch of shards of glass going down your...

You know, I told you this... You could chew them into a mush. I told you this already. I don't know if it would matter, swallowing a bunch of sunflower seed shells, but probably my only fear, because I don't give a shit about death, if I can kill me now. Do me a favor. Damn.

No. Dark, Lon. You know what I mean, like, death or dark. This is what I actually think is true, and somebody probably has already said it, so I sound like a hack, but I think there's something to be said about the idea that generally our two biggest fears are death and public speaking. So if you can conquer your fear of public speaking, and public speaking for a lot of people is more of a fear than death. So they're close, you know, they're both up there. They're like one and two for most people.

So if you conquer your fear of public speaking, you can almost kind of also lessen or conquer your fear of death. But regardless of that, I am terrified of getting oral cancer,

like jaw, mouth. Yeah, because your jaw is really what does it for you. And then getting, well, that's where my, that's where most of my words come out of. Right, yeah.

Is the mouth area. But yeah, just, you know, well, that's where most of my words come out of is the mouth area. But yeah, just, you know, I don't want to turn into fucking, what's his nuts? Smush Natterly?

The chinless man? No, who? Are you talking about old Smush? Mashed Potato Jones? Yeah. Not Cisco.

Roger Ebert. Oh, yeah. And also Bobby the Brain Heenan. They really locked Ebert in the cage after that. Well, but they didn't yeah. And also Bobby the Brain Heenan, I think. They really locked Ebert in the cage after that. Well, but they didn't always. And so there are pictures of him with no lower jaw and no, like, shroud. And it is awful.

Because you look like you're smiling, but why would you be smiling? Half of your fucking head is gone. What do you have to smile about? That's two thumbs down from me, dog. You can put your whole hand in his about? That's two thumbs down from me, dog. You can put your whole hand in his mouth. Not just two thumbs. I much rather would have gotten ass cancer like Siskel and just been done.

Siskel went out like a true G. He didn't have to get his fucking... He had one butt cheek. Yeah, but nobody knew because he just always... He just crossed his right leg over his left. That's right. And it just looked like a natural lean. You fucking know, you know.

There's nowhere to hide. Just no jaw. Well, yeah, you're looking and, you know, if I went from this somewhat normal, not necessarily pleasing face, to a much worse, jarring face. My God, you'd never see me again. I would see you. I'd come over. I'd start a blog. I'd come over and knock on the window.

I would not have an Instagram account. I'd have a line of neighborhood kids. You want to see something fucked up? You want to see what happens if you don't do good in school? Yeah. Look at this. Pull back a curtain. Sounds like the bounce house collapsed.

I'm just always whistling. There's just a breeze coming out. Yeah. It saves time brushing your teeth, though. It's kind of a bright side. No more gum. I like gum. Oh, I love gum.

I forgot how much I loved gum until I was driving to Detroit and I was chewing a bunch of gum. I was blowing bubbles within a bubble. Oh, I've never done that. I can do four bubbles concentrically inside of the bubble. What the hell? And it was like my coolest thing. Alright, and then... Wait, stop recording. What the fuck?

What is this? Here's my wallet. Save it for the page. So yeah, during baseball, because I was terrible at baseball. Did it come up with an angle? Exactly. With a gimmick? Yeah. Sam dropped another pop fly. God damn it cost us four runs. Hey fellas, check this out. Look at the little bubbles in there. No, but I got shit on real hard one time because I was blowing bubbles. And I said, hey guys, I'm about to blow bubbles. And Dan Shaw said, who's bubbles?

And I never heard that joke before. And I never blew a bubble in front of anyone again. I've been working on this cool thing from T-Ball all the way to that was probably in 7th grade you registered bubbleboy.com I did yeah you were going to have a YouTube channel that was bubnastyangioplasty

that was my rap name I would blow bubbles and then I would put them I'd blow the bubble I'd blow four of them and then I'd put it underneath my hat and then I would take the hat off to people that was a cool bit. And you could still tell that there were four bubbles? Yeah.

It looked interesting? I could do it so good that I would get two different pieces of gum that were different colored. I'd blow a bubble with one with the pink flavor, and then I would blow another bubble with the blue flavor, and you could see both different kinds of gum inside of each other. Separate worlds. That sounds pretty amazing, really. He was fucking sick,

and then Dan Shaw, the kid who told me to pinch my dick if I had to pee. Oh, damn. The Lord take me. His dad was a sheriff, and he used to whip the shit out of him, so I think I got the upper hand on this. He had a bad day. Yeah. He had a bad morning. Shaw of Elizabeth. Had to spread that negativity. Yeah,

whose bubbles? And everyone was like, whoa! Oh! You know, people lost their minds. Everybody starts doing the worm. Yeah, exactly. People learned the robot somehow. Their body just started doing it. Yeah, who's Bubbles?

Everyone high-fived him. I swallowed my gum and my pride. They carry him out on their shoulders. Oh, yeah, they probably wouldn't whack the home run. He used to cry when he'd strike out. That was pretty sick. He was a real mess. He had a tough home life.

One time, we were on his trampoline and his older brother shot us with BB guns. And then when we tried to get off, he shot us a bunch more and he's like, keep jumping, boys. So we just had to jump on this trampoline while we're getting shot out with the bb gun yeah just all of the fun of being on a trampoline gone replaced with terror exactly and if you get off you're getting a flinching yeah but also if you think of no it must have been must have been

like a 22 or an airsoft because he wasn't pumping it you could run a pump yeah it was like a pellet gun or something he had a peter north brand bb gun a little stinker a little thumper dropping loads that i don't remember that guy's name but he came after peter north the guy that howard stern howard stern loved him no howard stern was all about the guy that's like, dropping loads. He's got long hair. Yeah, he was like Peter... The porn aficionado doesn't know?

Oh no, so I didn't get into porno until like real porno. I dabbled. Yeah. Until like 2005. I didn't listen to Stern. I know a jerk and spank and squirt and gurt, but I didn't... I didn't like know the names of the fellas.

I'm saying I don't know this dude's name. He came along... Like, he wasn't an 80s guy like Peter North. He was like 2000s or maybe late 90s. Yeah, I don't know his name, but he... I made it about him. It's not about you, dude. Peter North knew

it wasn't he didn't have to go oh look at all this jizz so this guy was jizz bragging he was the he was the second coming of Peter of Peter N

it was funny because like once I had seen like once I got a once I graduated from scrambled to being able to take to the internet to hard boil

once the internet came around yeah and I got to see these people, you were on DARPA. It was funny that you had, you had like all these different beautiful women and then you had Peter North and Ron Jeremy, Peter North. Great. In great shape.

Sure. Nice looking guy. Ron Jeremy, Ron Jeremy, man, totally horrible looking skid mark of a person. Didn't they call him like the chinchilla? The hedgehog.

The hedgehog, yeah. The other guy was Nick Manning. Nick Manning. Whoa. Yeah, he... The other Manning brother. He took... Everyone knows about Eli and Peyton.

One of Archie's sons, yeah. He didn't go to college, that's for sure. He didn't have to. He moved down to Florida hit the amateur circuit oh man started dropping loads and he just blew big loads

that was his thing that and then yeah how big is the load I don't know I don't think they were that big oh it was just that he said when he came he said dropping loads

yeah no I think it was pretty good I think he was yeah but I mean I think it was I think he had some volume I think it was like porn volume I don he was... Yeah, but I mean, I think it was... I think he had some volume. I think it was, like, porn volume. I don't think it was anything more like, that was the show. That's all, folks!

No, right. But that's what I was saying, too. He made it about himself when it's like, come on, everybody, you know, everybody Google searched the woman's name. Yeah. Not fucking, who's that guy that won't shut the fuck up? Uh-huh. Yeah, that was one of my gripes

because you gotta remember that I got busted with all that porn in like 6th or 7th grade and then you had to you were in juvie for a decade oh yeah

my computer privileges were fucking severely limited your mom put her hand down your pants every morning yeah she's like

make sure you weren't hard it's not hard and it's not crusty that's good the tip's clean she's checking your bet uh your bedroom garbage can i don't remember you blowing your nose last night mister you have a temperature or a secret you know that reminds me god speaking of just some real fear

yeah was high school having a wet dream and then you then you wake up and you have to get from the bedroom to the bathroom without anybody knowing what happened. You don't want to get... Did you walk through your parents' room? No, but I'm saying... You sleep in a drawer in the bathroom? No, you got the hallway. No, and the bathroom was right next to my bedroom door.

You slept with a bassinet in your parents' room? A lot of times I'd jerk off at the computer and then fall asleep. I'm late. I'd wake up clock out another you put those sunglasses on their eyes that are open sitting there yeah no so the odds were low that i was gonna run into somebody in that hallway but my god it just there wasn't a good way because you have the stain why didn't you change well if you take it off then it's just you i didn't want to just put it in the hamper you put it in the bottom of the hamper my mom still did my laundry in high school and she would check every garment well no but she's putting

shit in there oh well i don't think she always did the big uh you know no look hamper dump she didn't do this she did some sorting she did some sorting. She was Larry Bird in it. Solid bounce passes in the dryer. Yeah, so she wasn't smelling everything one item of clothing at a time, but there's still, you know... Someone had consomme in bed. I hated the idea

of anybody knowing what had happened. Didn't want to have to talk about it. I haven't had a wet dream. When's the last time I had a wet dream? I've never had one You've never had one And you won't shut up about it All you have to do is not jizz for a week

A few days And that's when I get them And then it's like, I'm good, nothing But as a married man I like to save my loads Which is a fine line Because sometimes you get in there and you're overeager. Yeah.

And you just come like a dog and then decides to turn the hose on you. You're just entangled in your wife and you've got to call the neighbors. Yeah, yeah. What is the ideal? Or if you're over, if you jerk off too much, then you're like, eh, I don't want to. I don't want to fuck you. I got all my friends.

I remember I jerked off for like three years to a still photograph of Mary Carey that I had saved in my computer just a still? yeah a still what did you have clothes on?

I had like here's the thing I had like limewire and stuff but I didn't even know that you could like get porno off limewire what the hell were you doing?

I was downloading Aquabats you want to blink 180 and cheat so bad I didn't know until you just said that that you could get porno off of limewire it was apparently the thing man you guys are both the dumbest yeah it was downloading Aquabats signals. You want to blink 180 and cheat so bad. I didn't know until you just said that that you could get for an awful lot of

It was apparently the thing, man. You guys are both the dumbest. Yeah, it was the shit. Sorry, we didn't invent LimeWire like you.

Yeah, I was an early investor and it paid off. Sixth graders. Yeah, alright, well, touche. You were 25 when I was figuring out

how to do it. Well, I was going to say, there was a birthday of mine maybe like 24, where a bunch of my friends that had, you know, like my computer nerd friends, you know, they were always downloading stuff. They put together like six CDs worth of porn and gave that to me.

And I was like, this is the best. Yeah, it was insane. Like, you know, last of me, or no, it wasn't 24. It was probably like 21. Because I was in college still. You're funny they suck a little cheese pizza in the buffet. So you're really getting into it. You're like, well, one CD down.

What's on this one? Oh, cool. Oh, God, no. Are they midgets? Is cheese pizza like Lemon Party? Child pornography. Oh, that's... Cheese pizza.

That's... Whoa. Oh, CP. That's what they call it. That's what we call it. Oh, that's... Cheese pizza. That's... Whoa. Oh, CP. That's what they call it. That's what we call it. Yeah, that's what you call it. That's what these guys I heard of call it. Don't you listen to Q-Man?

No. It's well known, though, that cheese pizza does mean child pornography. Maybe on 8chan. Oh, yeah, for sure. I didn't think that was true other than in, like, the weird Pizzagate conspiracy. No one wants to believe any of the stuff that's right in front of their eyes. Okay. Everyone wants to keep their eyes closed when they can see all the different colors of truth.

Not of cheese pizza. Damn. I don't think I'd be into it. Well, I hope not. Well, I don't think I even want to risk the Google search. Like, who cares? I want to watch a bunch of kids. Kids are bad at everything.

I want to watch some kid reinvent the wheel with his tiny little fucking pubeless dick. Fuck that. I want to watch Dropping Loads blast a big one in Air Force Amy. I'm a fucking classic guy. I really don't think that I would ever, like, I don't think there's a part of me that would be like, oh, this rules. I think I'd be like, oh, gosh, she doesn't even have tits. God, she's flat as a board.

Yeah, yeah, good. Let's keep talking about why you don't think you would like child porn. You're not talking about it. You think you might like it. I've got the FBI on the phone. They'll be right here. Yeah, I'm willing to say, like, 99% that I don't think I would like phone. They'll be right here. Yeah, I'm willing to say like 99% that I don't think I would like it.

There might be 1% of me that I don't know about. Some unlocked door deep in my subconscious. No, they know because you see young, you see kids everywhere. I've never seen a kid. And then you're like, that's what I'm saying. That's why you don't think you would like it is because you're not a pederast.

Right. Because you dropped out of priest school. I did, yeah. The seminary. The seminary. I turned into the seminary. That's right. Jinx. You owe me a chode.

Best friend. Nothing will ever top the early episode. That was crazy, dude. Yeah. I thought we couldn't get closer. No. And then that did something. It bumped us up a little half a level.

Now we're friends again. Yeah, we weren't talking. You walked into my house today and you were on the fence about being friends still. And now here we are. No, no. There's just an anxiety any time I... Being my friend? I know.

I'm chaos incarnate. No. All right. No. All right? No. The COVID stuff is hard to ignore when I'm around people

that are not my wife. You said you're not afraid of death. Yeah, but I don't want to get COVID and die eight months after it's a thing, you know? After it's cool.

Too early. Yeah. I want second wave. I want the kind that blows your back out that just fucks you up I want COVID-20 COVID-21

the one that really is a death sentence yeah just real quick goodnight I've thought about that I think the ideal I don't like the idea of going in your sleep or uh like lights are off because that's just scary to me to not have any time to like i don't know like say goodbye you want a long i don't want to i don't want a long battle where everybody thinks i did brave eight months ago and then they see me and I'm like 80 pounds so I was like

kill me I'm just like I'm too weak to put a gun to my head you ever wear the pillow just like winking at people upy

but no I think I settled on the idea that like just like a few months six months would be okay

yeah so that you have some time. I know it would be, you know, you'd go through some scary fucking nights. You wouldn't just be anxiety ridden? You'd wet the bed a couple times. Well,

I'm saying you would. You're doing more than farting your wife awake. You're going to scream her awake. I start reading the Bible like, just in case. Just sacrifice a goat. Just in case. Cover,

cover my bases. Memor bases memorize ecclesiastes uh yeah i don't know i i wouldn't mind a few maybe three months instead of six so that i could you know just like go viral or something right yeah change lives on your way out cross off a couple of bucket list items see that i haven't seen the grand canyon bucket challenge i haven't seen the grand canyon i haven't seen the grand canyon i Start your own bucket challenge. I haven't seen the Grand Canyon. You haven't seen the Grand Canyon. I haven't been to it. You lived right there.

I lived six hours away. Oh, wow. I didn't make it. I've been to Mount Rushmore. I lived six hours away from there. I've been to Albuquerque. I've been to Mount Rushmore. Albuquerque is beautiful.

Yeah. No, it's not. It sucks. Everybody wants to fight you. You had several several almost fights with people in Albuquerque. People want to fuck with the big ape, man. Because you really had a joke that was based in truth, right?

Where somebody said you want to fucking go. And I was like, ah-ah! Quacked at him like a duck. And they were like, this guy rules. Whoa, people started doing the worm. You did the bubbles. Hey, watch this. Hold on just start chewing gum really hard hold on before you break my jaw there's too much liquid

in here let me do this yeah before you cisco my ebert chill out take my hat off there's a there's a surprise under there you weren't getting gum in your hair every time or because it was a bubble it wasn't as sticky oh yeah no i got gum in my hair all the time for sure put the hat back on and go about your day yeah or sometimes you go to do it and the gum is stuck to the hat and it just looks like you're you know signaling a train in the 30s my grandpa quit buying me gum. He was like, you're having too much fun with that gum. Just chew it and shut up. Chew it and get a job. My gum didn't have flavor.

It was in trees. Oh, dude, I put up this photo of my grandpa and me. Yeah, and everybody thought that he had just stolen valor. I've seen that happen so many times. I wasn't trying to get sympathy. No.

My dad sent me that photo. And you didn't say anything. Yeah. I didn't say, I miss you. Well, no. You just didn't say anything that should have made people think that he had just passed. Right. You just said, my dad sent me this picture of my grandfather.

He was a great guy. Blah, blah, blah. So you know that he probably is dead. But yeah, for everybody to be like, oh, he must have just passed because Sam's trying to get condolences out of it. No. No, you're just trying to score some points with the grandpa lover crowd. If I just posted a picture of me with some ghoul in a wheelchair. Look at this old bag of bones.

It's like 50 likes. This thing got 900. Nice. It wasn't even my grandpa. Yeah. Yeah, it was just this guy that I bought crystal off of. Old Acorn Knuckles Jerry. Yeah, that was dumb.

I've seen that happen before. People are stupid. They want to console people and say they're sorry. It's like, who cares? I was like... He didn't even know who I was when he went out. I like the...

I kept grabbing my tits. Whoa. Saying dulce de leche. What does that mean? Don't tell my wife. Yeah. Your wife is holding hands with her. When my grandma started to go, she and my grandpa were in their living room watching TV.

And she just turns to him and goes what are those babies doing and he was like what babies she's like the babies on the she thought there were babies on the ceiling fan like in fucking train spotting turns out she was detoxing from heroin but because she had to get that looked at they they were like, you also have Parkinson's. You have baby brain. Yeah, looks like somebody wants another kid. Yeah. Yeah, didn't know that. Your grandpa starts eating zinc.

I didn't know... I didn't know... I didn't know much about dementia. Because whatever she had, I think she might have been diagnosed with something else. And it wasn't that. But dementia of any kind, Parkinson's or otherwise, Alzheimer's, is fucked up. Because I thought... It's not a blast.

No. Yeah, and did both of your grand... Three out of four. Okay, yeah. So you know about it. It's not just forgetting stuff. It's hallucinating babies on the ceiling. See, I didn't know about the hallucinations.

I think your grandma was laying it on a little thick. I think someone hadn't brought her any tea in a while, and she was like, remember, I meant them. She wasn't getting a lot of likes on MySpace. Yeah. So, yeah, she... Her top six was just doctors. That was scary, because I was like, fuck, man, what do you... And then you just have to, like, have somebody watch you so that you can check with them

when, you know, the 30% of the time you know who they are, you can be like, is this happening? And they can tell you yes or no. You're supposed to just yes and with them, like improv. You're supposed to, yeah, those birds are scary. They're birds. Yes, there are birds. Dolores can see them. Yeah, you're supposed to just yes and with them like improv you're supposed to yeah those birds are scary they're birds yes there are birds Dolores can see them yeah you're holding

a pillow yes look at the birds Dolores say goodbye to the birds give the flamingo a kiss she's all pink

that's a that's a it was rough seeing my grandma in the casket because I hadn't seen her for a while yeah

and so she got all you get all shriveled up here's what I grandma in the casket because I hadn't seen her for a while and so she got all you get all shriveled up here's what I'm saying, my casket, do blackface guys go crazy I think I'm going to do the bubble inside of a bubble I can take my hat off and give my condolences to Emily watch her eyes just light up

and my mom and my dad. Everybody is alive except for you. And then I'm like Everybody was there. What was his last words? Somebody stop me?

I don't know. He went through a really mask phase right before he died. What were his last words? Last couple of days. He said that I must be the Monopoly guy? A lot of how high quotes. He thought he was in

like fifth grade or something. Crying about some rabbit. Put his head back on. Yeah, everyone's last words are supposed to be poignant and beautiful and yours are like, we're out of toilet paper. Yeah, and then you die and evacuate your bowels.

Oh, good. We are out of toilet paper. God damn it. Where's all the honey mustard? It's coming out of the diaper on all sides. Get that soap dispenser. So that's another great episode of the Chubby Behemoth, everyone. It is. This might be 30? so that's another great episode of the chubby behemoth everyone it is

this might be uh 30 we're getting I think we might have 30 not counting the Patreon which you should count

because get on that page you fucking freaks they are uh episodes they're just not you know

the main like the Marvel Cinematic Universe has the main timeline and then there's alternate so yeah the the canon does include, I would say, does include the Patreon.

You've got to get in there. We've got some good stuff in there. The extended universe. That's right. The Chubby Behemoth Cousins. Right. The Patreon's kind of like the venom of RMCU. It exists outside of the conventional timelines,

but some cool characters pop up and stuff. Jeremy, he says hello. We've got to get Spud. Yeah, hell, Spud. My wife wearing a hat. Ooh, what about... Crossover? Toilet Boar Guard.

We've got to get her in there. Oh, shit, she had a new name today. Get her on the page. Hold on. Emmy! Emmy! Emmy! Emmy? They're smoking, probably.

They're all dead. Gordy finally did it. Gordy's covered in blood. He's rock hard. I have to become God. He's all pink. Hey, go ahead and fucking subscribe to that Patreon.

ShubbyVehemoth.com slash Patreon. Nope. Nope. I stood up too fast. I might collapse. Don't go there. Yeah, go to Patreon.com slash ShubbyVehemoth. Check that out.

Five bucks a month gets you all the goddamn good shit. Yeah, and we love you guys. Thank you so much. And hey, if you're alone on Thanksgiving, maybe consider why. We've got to do Hold the Phone, too. I was going to ask. I thought you guys were not doing it. Oh, yeah, we love Hold the Phone.

It's great or whatever. Be sure to check out HoldthePhone.tv if you want to see some great comedy shows online. Every week they've got different shows. Hot Tub, Hey Girl, and the Funtime Boys Game Night Spectacular. I think they're doing a live reading of the Turner Diaries on the Funtime Boys.

So check that out. That'll be pretty cool. They'll be riffing on the Diarrhea of Anne Frank. Yeah, the Diarrhea of Anne Frank. No one ever talks about that. No, I'm loving it. It's like, oh, why does it stink in your attic? Why is it dripping white chocolate?

Yeah, holdthephone.tv. Check it out. Subscribe to the Patreon. Tell your friends. Tell your boss to suck your dick. Yeah. And then go crank some chubby behemoth in the car and drive home. Run through a couple red lights.

Yeah. Your middle finger out the car window. Chubbed.