Chubby Behemoth - Count It

Episode Date: November 19, 2020

Magic Trick/ Prank. Melon Ball. Mid-piss Heroics. Aaron Urist.   This weeks sponsor Hold The Phone! https://holdthephone.tv/    Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth.   Extra Episodes at Patreon.com/chubbybehemoth

What's up, y'all? This is Chubby Behemoth. Another episode coming at you. I think that Sam is in jail. He was arrested for a crime that he did commit. And so no Sam until later this week. Apparently, he's going to be able to record from jail later on this week. But for this episode, I've got Aaron Urist. Oh. Oh.

Oh, boy. Hi. So that's good. Hi, Aaron. Hi. Hi, how are you? Man, I'm good. I'm glad that Sam is in jail.

Absolutely. You know what would be nice is if he were in prison forever. Right. I mean, you know, at least he's off the streets. Yeah. That's the important thing. It would be better to know that he was suffering. I feel like he was suffering on the streets, but not as much as the streets were.

The streets don't suffer fools. Oh, they suffered due to Sam being on them. Yep. Because, you know, he was pulverizing curbs, tagging buildings, menacing people passing by him on said streets.

So it's a net good. But we won't be safe completely until he is ideally in the electric chair. He's being extradited to Florida, where i think they still have the electric chair or you can i think so they they they're old school down there i think one of their uh methods of of uh killing prisoners is just a bunch of dudes stabbing you to death so yeah that's like an unofficial method right it's like or is it like a state-sanctioned method? Yeah, I'm saying it's state-sanctioned. There's like 12 people.

Instead of assembling a jury of your peers, sometimes you get something in the mail that says, hey, you got to come stab somebody a bunch of times in two weeks. Right. Got it. It's like the firing squad where they all have blanks except for one guy yeah all the knives are fake except for one there's one there's one real knife in the whole bunch you know which one is real upon you the real one is shiny and so i feel like there's a little bit less surprise there's there's less anonymity with

with the fake knives that's true those prisoners are smart they all go to school and stuff in there they're they're all much better educated than people on the outside they have multiple degrees they know which knife is real yeah they got first degree manslaughter they got second degree oh nathan you know what i'm talking about oh i see i had some coffee so i'm raring and i'm still fasting so i'm hungry and a little bit angry. Nice. Horned. You ever do some intermittent fasting? Not like not under the banner of intermittent fasting.

I, you know, have poor eating habits sometimes and don't eat for long stretches of time and then eat a bunch. Right. Does that count? I think it does count. don't eat for long stretches of time and then eat a bunch. Right. So does that count? I think it does count. I mean, you don't have to be consciously intermittent fasting in order for it to work. How does it,

what's your, what's your, what's your sketch? I don't, I don't really have a strict window that I eat. It's more just, I try to not eat for at least like 13 14 hours because the minimum is 12 like 12 hours is when your body starts oh obviously it includes while you're sleeping i was like you're just like yeah thank god stay staying awake to not eat i don't know what i thought i don't know what i

thought but it was stupid that's for sure uh yeah no sleeping uh well if you're not eating while you sleep then it counts if you sleep oh yeah yeah that break that that breaks the fact that disqualifies me I'm the sleep eater I sleep in between two giant pancakes so and then you wake up with a bunch of energy from all the pancake from all the pancake and that syrup

you got a syrup alarm clock every time you snooze it I stopped with the syrup because it was disgusting just a new bed every week just to sleep in it it was rough uh but yeah the uh intermittent fasting is nice because uh yeah if you can go if you sleep for 12 hours and then you wake up and you don't eat for a few hours, you're being healthy all of a sudden. Depressed and healthy.

Yeah, you're in the, I was going to say, you're like in the middle space of the Venn diagram between depressed and intermittent fasting. Yeah, for sure. But yeah, if you have a small window to eat and you eat whatever you want, it can be pretty good. You don't have to feel bad for like shoving it in

as long as you don't shove for like 16 hours, 17. This is the type of diet that appeals to me. Yeah, you don't eat and then you eat a lot. That's the fun part. Yeah, it's not bad. And you can have coffee. During the... Yeah.

Ooh. Okay. Yeah, because there's not enough calories for it to count. Black coffee. Yeah, black coffee. Oh, yeah, I forgot. You and Sam both like some cream and some sugar. I don't put sugar in my coffee, but I do like a little bit of cream.

I drank it black for years, but I find it's a little bit less acidic when you put a little cream, put a little put a little put a little cream put a little

little clam like in Inglourious Bastards some clam that's a good movie it is I like the scene at the beginning where they speak French lots of French

yeah and then later though is the clam yeah when they're in the cafe yeah yeah he's a creep Christoph Waltz is a good actor this is a great podcast it is we talk about tarantino every other episode is that true no oh yeah i was gonna say i feel like sam probably hates quentin tarantino He likes him for the feet. Hates him for the movies.

Sam is in jail for writing threatening letters to Quentin Tarantino. He's in jail for writing a bad review of Inglourious Bastards in Thailand. Sam didn't like Inglourious Bastards because all the Nazis get killed and he didn't like Djlorious Bastards because all the Nazis get killed and he didn't like Django Unchained because well he liked Django Unchained because of all the slavery but you know

they passed over him for Quentin Tarantino's role at the end where he says the N word a billion times I've seen his self-tape we haven't had a bunch of j uh of quentin quentin talk but uh we mostly talk about uh like time embarrassing times when you were younger like if you got if you got a boner at a weird time or if you shit your pants or if you came too quickly with a girl. These are all

ripe topics for our episode. For a typical episode. I was having fun talking about Quentin Tarantino, beloved filmmaker and now I'm scared. You can keep talking about

him if you want. You know what, Nathan? Some Quentin talk? You derailed it. You were like, usually we talk about coming too fast, but I guess we can do your thing. Well, have you ever jerked it during a Tarantino film?

No, no, I haven't. I mean, which one would you even jerk it to? Oh, shit. I was going to say. Ripe topic. From Dusk Till Dawn, Salma Hayek does a very sexy table dance. Yep, she does.

I forgot about that movie. That's a weird one. Count it. Count it. Count that jerk off. Count that wank. Is that what you say after you bust?

Count it. Count it. Count it. No. Put it on the board. Sometimes I say Yahtzee. Yahtzee. Nice. That's weird.

That's fun for you. I say board games. I either go Yahtzee or I go sorry. I go Monopoly. I am the only one who jizzes. I am the only one who jizzes. I'm the only one who gets to. Yeah, the

charges against Sam, I guess there's a new charge, public masturbation. And that's not illegal everywhere, but it should be. It definitely should be. Some places you can go. You can jerk it. I think there's usually a cover charge. You have to pay $10 and then you can whack it in a park. Like Florida or Montana?

Probably not Florida. You can do anything in Montana. You can drive with beer. What jerk in it? You can give a handjob to a beer in a park. To a police officer. Yeah, police officers in Montana is just a tree with a hat on it. It's the honor system up there. So, you know, it's the honor system up there.

Not enough people up there to for any real pervs to go go up there and start jerking it, you know. But hello. Does anybody care? I'm jerking it right now. I guess it's not dangerous enough. It's sort of the bunny slip of public masturbators. Right. Well, yeah. Yeah. If you're a little nervous, you can go up there you go start off in montana and work your way up to the subway oh well yeah that's all eyes are on you that's yeah that's that's big time is uh new york jerking That's when you know you've made it. If you can jerk it here, you can jerk it anywhere. How do you get to Carnegie Hall? Well, you start jerking off in the middle of nowhere in the middle of the country.

Jerk it, jerk it. That's what Whiplash was about. was a very demanding public masturbation coach. Yes, who gets whiplash from jerking it. Again. That's hilarious. Thank you. A kid who's obsessed with the masturbation works of Charlie Parker. Old school, analog style.

Jazz. Sometimes it's the ones that you don't bust. Jerking it off rhythm. It's the notes you don't play. The ones and the threes instead of the two and the four. That's when you're really starting to have that avant-garde jerking. That's right. Freestyle.

This guy's all over the map. My God, he's a genius. You go too fast. This guy's a regular jizzy gillespie up here uh i used to have i used to have a joke about really really though i had a dizzy gillespie joke uh about a a woman who was too into giving me the rusty trombone. Great premise, right? A woman who insists on... That was one of many problems with this joke.

No one can tell. It's not obvious at all. It's a comedic premise. Of course, okay, this woman, very into a likely imaginary sex move. I don't know if anybody's ever actually performed the rusty trombone. I don't think so. Probably not. For the purposes of this joke i had yeah i had this ex-girlfriend or whatever that gay wanted to give me the rusty trombone too much and so i ended the relationship and i came up with that in order to call her dizzy glass play.

And it didn't work. It was not that bad anymore, huh? No. Well, yeah. Once I recorded it for comedy central, I was like,

he sold it to a notable Texas comedian. Yeah, baby. Yeah. Have you, have you have you sold a joke or two to other people um no i've had the opportunity but my jokes are just too smart for other people to do so you said no or are you saying you were not, you didn't end up being approached? They didn't wind up taking them. I've had people be interested in a couple of jokes before,

but they didn't wind up buying them. Okay. Yeah. So that was a weird, this was probably the same time that I went through the possibility of selling jokes, and I ended up selling a joke. Yeah, you sold clear mustard. No. Didn't you?

No, I kept doing that for some reason. Were you offered money for clear mustard? I think so. Oh, man. Now that's an embarrassment. I think that the of this podcast Yeah, I think that was there were a few jokes

and I ended up keeping all the one Yeah, but that was a weird look behind the curtain, you know, in the biz where you find out that some comics will gladly pay to just buy a joke off of a comic.

Like, hey, that was pretty good. What do you say I write you a check? It's a weird move, but yeah. But it's not. Some people, yeah, I don't know. I mean, I guess some people tour so much or drink so much that they just, like, they can't do the writing part. Yeah.

Well, yeah. Like, it just shows that like, well, yeah. Because, yeah, if you get to that point, you wrote some stuff and you were funny and you are funny. But I think, yeah, you get big enough and then the machine just wants more, just needs more stuff. Yeah, you need more material than you can write fast enough to be able

to tour on a new 45 every year or two. Yeah. And so, yeah. And I guess it makes sense that uh if you're trying to to make it then you could maybe part with a joke or two for a few hundred bucks and then hope that you know you get to that level where all of a sudden you're not writing jokes anymore

you're just writing checks. Right. Yeah. I mean, a couple hundred bucks is like maybe not worth it, I guess. But I mean, the prices that some of those comics pay is like pretty hard to say no. Yeah.

Yeah. Sam and I have talked about how you and me and Sam and, and Christy Buechle all got to go down to Texas for a writer's retreat. That was a good time. I know. I was just thinking about that and how much fun it was and how I hope we get to do it again. And COVID ends. Oh, yeah. In like 2026, we'll all be able to go go down go down to texas hill country texas hill country you know uh sam and i talked about uh a few aspects of that trip but one thing

we didn't talk about is how sam pulled a magic trick slash prank on me. I don't know if you remember that. Yeah, vaguely. What was it again? So when we were in Paris, we hung out with a dude there who did magic since he was a kid. He wasn't a magician by trade, since he was a kid it wasn't his he wasn't a magician by trade but he was a birthright yeah he was he was one of the chosen people he was more of a sorcerer he bore the mark

but he was he was uh great at it you know he was great at it. You know, it was really entertaining when he would do these tricks. And we, you know, the four of us and Chris Voth went down to Texas, like, the next month. You know, it was like a month later. And I think it was the last night that we were down there. He and I were hanging out with a couple other comics. This was a few comics down there that, that I think they used to get together like every year and it's been a few

years, but, uh, Texas. Yeah. The Texas guys who came with us. Yeah. They, uh, they all had hung out, out you know however many times over the years for for these retreats but right it was our first time the last night uh sam got uh you know ron white gave him a bottle of tequila like for his uncle or something and he had he had like that and some of some other stuff in his hands as we went back to our room you know because we were like on that compound yeah you're in the bunkhouse we had we we were in the bunkhouse and we picked the room uh with the the smallest beds for some reason and so it's bunk in there i didn't want to stay in there.

We wanted a nice narrow bed. And as we were going into the building, Sam dropped the bottle of tequila. I thought, and I just thought, God, what an idiot, you know,

it's like one in the morning and now we have to clean up a bunch of glass. I'm going to have to help because Sam doesn't know how to sweep up glass. You know, he'd end up chewing on it if I left him alone. And so I'm like all disappointed in him. But turns out he had somehow performed an illusion. And there was no broken bottle. He

learned a trick that involved a sound of glass breaking. I don't even know. He didn't show me, because apparently he swore an oath or something and couldn't reveal his This feels like a long con here to me.

Something smells. I know, but it was, you know, we went out there and there wasn't any glass. Okay. What a weird trick to know. I know. Yeah, I don't know what made him... Oh, yeah, the old fake broken

bottle trick. Yep. Yeah, I haven't thought about it in a long time, or else I would have asked him on the pod, like, what even was that deal? But I'll bet he would, he wouldn't want to reveal the secret.

Magician never reveals his trick. What the fuck? That's weird. It was like, it makes me feel bad. I remember now you guys talking about it and that's why I didn't remember it. It's cause it's so strange. Yeah. Esoteric magic trick to learn to learn it's a parisian classic oh yeah they're dropping fake bottles all the

time over there all the time the old fake bottle people go nuts for it you think that there's going to be wine all over the street and then Nope. It was a trick. It's the only reason he got you. You can only get Americans with that. It would never work on a, on a Parisian. Yeah, no,

they're, yeah, they're savvy. They're the ones that came up with the word savvy. They're like, let's put two V's in there. Who gives a shit? Two A's, two V's, two Y's.

That's weird. That was a fun time. But a weird magic trick to do. Yeah, for sure. He could have done something with the deck of cards, but instead... I wish he was here to talk about it. I'll have to come back on and we'll talk about this. That'll be an interesting episode.

That'll be... For sure, yeah. We haven't had many guests. We talked to Doug Stanhope for one of our first episodes. Oh, well then I'm the perfect follow-up to that. Oh, well then I'm, you know, I'm the perfect follow up to that. We've had Doug and then we had Brett Heiker for some reason. Yeah.

We wanted to get the New York market. Oh, right. When I think of New York, I think of Brett. It's true. He's there. Big city Brett. Big city B. You restrained a guy with a belt one time in front of me because the guy punched me. Really?

Yeah, outside of the Matchbox, which is a bar here in Denver where there was an open mic for a long time. There was a guy who was punching people and getting punched by people. Steve AJ knocked a couple of his teeth out in self-defense. Damn. And the guy was screaming that he had nothing left to lose. And me and somebody else were both like,

you got a couple more teeth. Damn. Yeah. He hit me in the face and Brett Hiker pulled off his belt and restrained the guy in one fluid motion it was amazing i like to imagine that brett was undoing his belt to take a whiz against the building and was like oh there's trouble yeah it was he was in mid-piss, but that's neither here

nor there. He starts jerking it and he's like, wait a minute. Wait a minute. Somebody is in trouble nearby. I smell danger. And not just my own dick. It was just a random dude in the matchbox, right? Not a comic

and not like a dude outside on the streets. It was outside, but it was a guy from the matchbox, not a comic. Yeah. Just like some drunk, angry man. More,

more of a, more of a fan of magic than comedy. It sounds like. Probably. He gave us the old broken bottle trick. Then he stabbed you with the fake broken bottle. But they weren't actually there

so I was fine. But I thought I was stabbed. He got me. You go to the ER and they're like, this is fake blood. You were not stabbed. You go to the ER and they're like, this is fake blood. You were not stabbed. You were stabbed by magic and whimsy. First degree

whimsy charges were brought. Regardless, Brett Hiker restrained that guy with a belt and it was pretty cool. He saved your life. I wish he would have restrained the guy before he punched you. Yeah, it's fine. It was like a drunk

punch. Didn't hurt me. Sure. One of those. I was just trying to get him to leave. I wanted to fight a guy at the Squire once and he would not fight me. Nice.

Well, yeah. You got a fighty streak. You want to fight. I've never seen you fight, but you talk about it and you get your blood up. Yeah. Well, yeah, I get angry.

And then, yeah, but I'm not like constantly trying to swing on people. No, no, no, no, no. I'm not looking for a fight, but I am always ready to fight. Your mind goes there. You're like, we should fight that guy. I wish I could beat.

Well, this dude at the Squire pissed me off because he was drunk and he was only half listening. Beat his ass right there that's enough yeah end of end of reasons uh i demand full uh attention i demand 100 of word retention and uh no no this guy was just like half listening and he was just talking shit randomly at people. And then I was on stage and I tried to tell a joke about how I made up a sex move called The Stranger. It's for the literary set, you know, and it's where you sit on your hand until it goes numb. And then you shoot a guy in French Algiers.

It's a great joke for the dive bar scene. If you get it, then it's pretty good. But yeah, Squire on Colfax, not the best venue. But this guy, as soon as he heard me say that I invented the stranger and it's where you sit on your hand until it goes numb, he started yelling about how i was full of shit and i did not invent that move his grandfather invented that move in 1910 or whatever the fuck you know so he like you know

fucked up the second part like the good part the the part that is mine and so i got real mad at him and i after my set i i went up to him at the bar and was like hey why don't you shut the fuck up huh and he just he wouldn't get he wouldn't he wouldn't engage he just kept like kind of he kept his back to me you know he was just like still sitting at the bar and i just couldn't get him i couldn't get him to get you know he he wasn't pissed anymore at my thievery and having of your stolen valor on the stranger that's right. Yeah, he, I guess, was over it. And I was all fired up. And he would not engage.

So, no magic for him that night. But, yeah. That would have been a funny fight. If you were like, I did invent the stranger. And he was like, no, you didn't. That's right. We just started hitting each other yeah uh no but in that situation i was fired up but i didn't like you know grab him by his collar and and drag him out onto colfax i was mad because he you know he pissed me off but i was was able to calm down once I realized. Because I thought he was like a drunk guy alone at the bar.

You thought he wanted to fight. Yeah, sometimes they're looking for trouble. And so I thought, all right. I'll give him some. Yeah. Somebody try to restrain me with a belt real quick before I smack this guy. No, but nothing. If Brett Hecker's there, that's what would have happened.

One time I was tickling Brett Hecker. You would have gotten ensnared. Brett, at Sam's bachelor party. In Blackhawk? Yeah, up in Blackhawk.

Brett was on his back on the floor drunk and I was shit-talking him and he chucked a beer can at me and busted my lip open. Do you remember that? No, I don't remember that.

Yeah, yeah. It was just one of those Oh, yes, I do remember that yeah yeah you know it was just one of those oh yes i do remember that actually i do yeah it was towards the end of the night and it was it was when uh uh i guess we're not supposed to mention one of our friends by name because he's becoming a lawyer and so he doesn't want a bunch of uh incriminating stories on the internet or whatever. But one of our friends was, if you remember,

got very drunk and wanted to wrestle everybody. And so it was a bad boy. Yes. A very bad boy friend of ours was, was, was partying and was like wrestling, fighting everybody. I kept kept i kept spitting beer in his face and uh yeah he uh around that time i think hiker was was drunk on his back on the

floor and i think i either shit talked him or I might've spit beer in his face, but yeah, he like going for it. Well, man, it was Sam's bachelor party. We had all, we had to go for it. I think,

yeah, Roger Norquist was like, I'm teetering on the edge of sanity in the corner. Do you remember? He was having a, he was having a rough trip. I don't remember that specifically, but I mean, that's pretty on par for Roger. I think there were a few people that took mushrooms

and they were intense or whatever. There were some scary moments while they were peaking. It was a lot. And so that was going on as well and uh yeah hiker it was just a good angle because he was on his you know i i didn't expect anything to come of him trying to throw a beer at me on his back but it just was the right angle or whatever and he's got those martial skills. Yeah. Don't count him out if he's on his back in a fight because he could whip

his belt off, he could chuck a beer at you, whatever's nearby might end up catching you in the face. Fake break a bottle. Yeah. Makes you think that you stabbed yourself somehow. He's got magic on his side.

Magic and mind trickery. That was a good bachelor party. That was a good bachelor party. Bunch of dudes just getting fucked up, talking shit. We had that melon in the pool. Oh, shit. We haven't even talked about about that me and sam haven't brought it up that yeah melon ball in the pool melon ball was a great time what a stupid we drove off everyone which was great well yeah that's what we wanted was the was the pool for ourselves get these kids out of here

why don't you go lose why don't you go lose uh your kids tuition money at the tables we got some melon ball to play that ended up being get kicked out yeah that ended up being like i remember I don't know who was championing, championing getting a watermelon for the pool, but whoever it was, I was like, what the, you know, what are you doing? What are, what are we doing here? But a couple minutes in, I was a diehard fan of melon ball. It was so fun. That's when everybody's mushrooms started kicking in.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That, yeah, that was part of it. it's when everybody's mushrooms started kicking in yeah yeah that was part of it but even without it was good clean fun it was there was something innocent about a bunch of dudes throwing a watermelon

it was like it was shaped like a ball it was like it was shaped like a ball it was like a small watermelon like a like a mini basketball right like a small like a big softball small basketball

yeah so a fun size dodgeball sized there you go melon that eventually turned to liquid inside right It's like a dodgeball sized There you go. Melon. Yes. That eventually turned to liquid inside.

Right. So yeah, that was funny. When it finally broke, it was like there was a margarita within. We drank it. We drank the fruit of the melon. Yeah, yeah. Turned by fun.

Yeah, that was a hell of a night for sure. Yeah, it was a good time. I talked about, on a previous episode, I talked about Sam's actual wedding. You know, how much we made fun of how much he cried. Yeah, that was a bullshit wedding. He made fun of how much he cried. Yeah, it was a bullshit wedding. I told him about how, I think I did acid at his wedding.

You know how, as per tradition, you do mushrooms at the bachelor party. Acid at the wedding. But I had to take a little break, you know, from the party. And I went and, like, laid down in one of the rooms that we had up in Evergreen. And I was looking at the carpet. And the fibers of the carpet looked like little naked people that were just, like, dancing and, like like writhing. And so I felt, I felt like I was, you know,

their God, uh, just smiling down upon the populace. And yeah, it was nice. You know, they didn't try to, they didn't try to rise up and kill me.

They didn't overthrow you. No, they were too tiny. Nice. They're just little carpet fiber people so they didn't have a whole lot to work with yeah they don't have a military no no they were barely organized you know they were all naked and just kind of just kind of dancing and hanging out with each other to dionysius they seemed happy you know they're pleased I think they had wine they had music

obviously because they were dancing yeah and I was just kind of looking down at them with a smile on my face just celebrating our friends love you know hell yeah that was a great wedding I was not on acid

I was sober. Sober, but still great. Oh, it was wonderful. Yeah, I put off drinking or I put off quitting drinking because of his wedding because I didn't want to regret

not having a special time. I think it would have been hard because like Megan quit drinking, uh, April 1st and Sam's wedding was June 18th. And so if I would have quit April 1st, it would, you know, it would have been new. It would have felt weird. I think it would have been hard. So yeah, I might've been a dick. I might not have had as much fun.

I don't recall you being a dick. Well, because I drank. No, I didn't drink a ton, but it was nice to not have the pressure to not drink just yet. I waited, and then I think I quit drinking end of September. I waited and then I think I quit drinking like end of September. So I had a nice, had a nice summer where I'm sure I threw up a few times and felt like dog shit. And it's like,

what are you, why are you still doing this? Well, look at you now. You have three beautiful children. Look at me now. What a life I lead. What a life you lead. What a life you lead.

I'm a successful architect. I coach my kids' soccer teams. It's a trip. I live in the suburbs now. I'm about to live in kind of a suburb. No. A suburb of Colorado Springs. no not really okay well it's its own thing that's true trinidad it's a remote town it's a standalone populace have you uh have you

done any shows in trinidad? Yes. I did the, the comedy train festival. Oh, sure. Yeah. Yeah. I did that one. And one of the shows was good.

And one of the shows was not good. Yeah. The comedian before me in one of those shows went long and broke the microphone. Oh, that's what I'm talking about. Then I had to headline with no microphone. You had to project. I had to project. And obviously I was, you know, transcendent, but I was annoyed.

Well, yeah, I'm surprised there wasn't another microphone, but hey. No, man. It's Trinidad. One mic per venue. Trinidad has one microphone, and we all share it. Yep, and it's broken now. So thanks, whatever that Albuquerque comic's name was. Blast them.

No, I'm kidding. I don't remember. I don't even remember if it was an Albuquerque comic's name was? Blast them. I don't remember. I don't even remember if it was an Albuquerque comic. Let's put it on Albuquerque for sure. I put that on your name, Albuquerque. You're known for it. There was going to be another edition of that festival, but COVID, you know. So maybe you'll come down next year and you could be a part of it one more

time. We'll get you, we'll get you. I'd love to, I'd love to go back down. I had a great time. It was, it was a super fun, um, just like hang the shows where some of them were good and some of them were bad, but it was just a really fun hangout. Yeah, it was a good hang. Well, you know, Wally and Carlos and the people that put together that festival got to see how High Plains is pretty perfect as far as like taking care of the comics, taking care of volunteers and perform the, you know, the help, the people that are, that are working to put the festival on are all, you know, taken care of or court. They're all, you know,

on the same page and that all is very helpful. I think that, I think that helped that helped the festival. Hopefully it'll happen in 2021. Maybe. I hope so. Yeah, we'll get you down there. Get me down there.

You and the rest of the team. Me and Creech will get a rickshaw for you and we'll rickshaw your ass down there. That sounds fun. Just singing. Just singing. Singing the whole time.

You have a podcast. I have a live stream show. That's what I have. Oh. It's a podcast. Eventually it will be a podcast. So you don't have episodes that are available to listen to?

No, they're available. They're on YouTube. I have a show called Better Than Heroes, which is we live stream, me and some other comedians live stream playing Dungeons and Dragons every Monday night.

Every Monday? At 7pm Pacific. Come check it out on Twitch at Better Than Heroes. It's fun. It's been a fun project to do during COVID yeah it's gotta be nice

to have like you know me and Sam doing this podcast has been a lot better than nothing because shows are few and far between me and Sam were supposed to go to Arizona together to do laughs, and we canceled because it was like last week. You got to cancel.

It's not time for live stuff, unfortunately. Yeah, we would have been indoors for these shows, and it did not sound like a good idea. We were going to drive, but it still wouldn't have been smart to be out there with crowds. Thronging. The whole weekend. It was also right after the election, so that weekend, everybody was kind of very tense. On edge. Me and Case went up to the mountains. Uh-huh. That was

a good move. Where'd you go? We went to a fair play. So like kind of near Bracken Ridge. Yeah. We went up there and just hung out and looked at birds.

Did you do an Airbnb? Yeah. Yes, we did. And it was a good move to flee for the hills. Well, yeah, she caselives not too far from me, which was and it has been like ground zero for a lot of the anti-police protests. Her neighborhood has just been insane, dude. Yeah.

It's been crazy down there. Yeah, there's a lot of people that are trying to either survive and so they're living in a tent. A lot of people living in tent cities, like full-on tent cities. Yeah, there's been kind of a couple that have been moved around cap capitol hill uh the ones that are right near that were directly near her house are gone now yeah we got a bunch of people uh around the corner from me and Megan. There's a paid parking lot

that has people around it. Not really in it, but all around it. They're hanging out. I'm going to try and bring some stuff over to them. I think since we're moving, I figure maybe I get rid of some of my 18 hoodies or whatever.

It's going to get cold. That's a good move. That's a good move. Yeah, and then all of a sudden some dude that lives in a tent looks like he did High Plains. Hey, look. I got an alumnus. That's what happens when somebody quits comedy.

Yeah, you just pass out all your hoodies and your lanyards. That's right. It would take a lot of lanyards for someone to be able to survive the winter, but if you... I can eat a lot of lanyards for someone to be able to survive the winter. But if you –

I can eat a lot of lanyards. Well, yeah, I guess, you know, you eat the clasp, and then you eat the neck band, and then you got the actual pass and the laminate. And then you eat the rich, yeah. Yeah. That's the end goal. But yeah, it has been crazy

around here. Megan and I probably would have moved to Trinidad either way, but it has not been fun to live right across the street from a police department. Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeah, it sucks.

But yeah, so what you and Case did is what Megan and I are doing, but forever. Forever. You're going to go make a life. Well, I guess it can be weird down in Trinidad because they have a jail and then people are released from that jail all the time.

And they have to like get back to Albuquerque or wherever, you know, somewhere nearby. So there's a lot of people coming and going. And I'm interested to see what they get into. Yeah, I think there's a lot of people just kind of hanging out. I read that there was on Facebook, this dude said that he just got jumped a few nights ago by a lot of people just kind of hanging out i i read that there was uh on facebook this dude said that he just got jumped a few nights ago by a couple guys and i was like mean streets of trinidad damn so it sounds like stinks sounds like i'll have to walk the streets at night hand you get to fight that's right boy you'll get to throw hands with strange men

yeah two at a time I'll let you know how that goes but yeah so you got the better than heroes plug out there anything else that you want to plug not really man just watch better than heroes every Monday night at out there? Anything else that you want to plug? Not really, man. Just watch Better Than Heroes every Monday night

at 7 Pacific. Watch our stuff on YouTube. Look us up. Yeah, it's you and Andrew Orvidal and Jordan Dahl. And Rachel Weeks. And our DMs. Our friend Harlan Kelly.

Yeah. Who's not a comedian, but is a great DM. When last month I went down to Trinidad with Jordan and we did a couple shows, and he was on his iPad drawing some of the characters. I think he was drawing Jared Logan's. Yeah. So I just had him on. Yeah. And it turned out great. He's,

he's really great at drawing. Yeah. He does all our art. It's the best. But yeah, while, while he was doing that during the day, a couple of different times he would, he would be drawing.

And then I was on my phone doing a paint by numbers app on the phone that's fun yeah well yeah it's fun in a very stupid uh mindless way that cute i told i told megan it felt like jordan was my dad and he was like you know an artist and i was like i'm like daddy yeah i'm painting too you want to be like papa yeah it was like you know that jordan tried to see if i could uh you know do anything athletic or work with my hands and that was not the the case. He's like, all right, paint by numbers, you little idiot. No, he was nice. He's like, don't eat, don't eat your phone. Just play on it.

Don't eat your father. Don't eat your phone, hold your phone. And speaking of holding the phone, we've got a great sponsor called hold the phone dot tv oh check that out when you get a chance aaron there's all kinds of great opportunities to watch live comedy okay on your phone or on your computer on my mobile so i can use my mobile device uh yeah i think most mobile devices will get you hold the phone dot tv uh they've got shows like uh hot tub uh with kristen shaw and kurt braunholmer they've got uh well well hey yeah uh hey girl with matt bronger and kyle canane is a part of that as well and uh so yeah they've got shows

a few times a week uh right there f well if my b yeah if you can imagine it uh there's comedy on the internet and uh some of it's good so people are using the internet in all sorts of ways not just for racism anymore or pornography it's not just for death threats and jerking it it is uh just a treasure trove of opportunity and information and uh yeah some some quality comedy coming at you every week on hold the phone.tv uh also uh tomorrow this is gonna air uh this is going to air, this is going to be available Wednesday tomorrow in our world. But for those of you listening Wednesday, you can check out me and Sam on a show, the, the bail comedy show.

You guys know about it. It's a bail comedy show.com. It's a free show, but you got to go on there to get the link for the stream. There's a bunch of great comics that are going to be on that show. In an online program?

This is an online comedy show. This is a different website, but it's the same idea as what's going on at holdthePhone.tv. You can go to BaleComedyShow.com. You can watch. Me and Sam are going to do a tag team segment for some reason.

I guess the host, Mark Masters, is a fan of the pod, and so he asked if we would do a quick set together. So we're going to try to make that work. Uh, hopefully Sam's lawyer can get him a phone or a mobile device, uh, while he is in jail. Uh, you know, he's waiting to be put before a judge. And, uh, he can trade it. Right. Yeah. He'll probably have to jerk off somebody who has access to a phone.

And then we're going to try and do something fun for a few minutes as a part of that show, but it is a great lineup. Caleb Sinan is on there. Sweet Caleb. I don't know why I turned into an old Jewish man. Because I am one.

You are quick becoming an old Jewish man. I am. Caleb. You haven't called in so long. What a good boy. Very good boy. A bunch of good boys and good girls on this Vail Comedy Show.

So, yeah, hopefully some of you will check that out. Again, that's Thursday evening. I believe it's like 5.30 mountain time for our mountainous friends. And

yeah, don't forget about Better Than Heroes, too. That sounds fun. Check it out. I'm not into D&D. I get it. B&B, booze and butts. You can do both. Oh, okay.

I don't drink booze anymore. I just smell it. What about butts? It takes me back. I look at butts and I drink booze anymore. I just smell it. What about butts? I look at butts and I smell booze and I drink Ovaltine and I eat butts.

We're back where we started. One hand washes the other. That's right. Because that one hand was just jerking it. Yep. Well, yeah, we didn't talk too much about shitting our pants but we got some jerking off material in there a little bit

a little bit you're not talking to such a lewd boy I'm good yeah it was nice to talk to someone who isn't a complete piece of literal shit. And I think Sam's going to be recording an episode with Dave Borey for Friday. So this will come out Wednesday, and then Sam will try to top us.

We'll go head-to-head. That's right. Let's all do an episode together. That's next. Yeah, we could have a meeting of the minds. The four boys. That sounds fun. Maybe we could play

maybe not D&D. We could play something else. I mean, if you guys want to play D&D we can, but I wasn't suggesting that. I don, if you guys want to play D&D, we can, but I wasn't suggesting that. I don't want to step on your toes. I wouldn't be stepping on our toes, but

it could be the four of us playing Yahtzee or Stratego. No, Stratego's one-on-one. Two people for Stratego. Yeah, I mean, any of that stuff, or just hang out. Yeah, let's just hang out. Let's just hang out let's just do we can do a muck bang do a what that's where you eat a bunch of food but it's called a muck bang which is hilarious mukbang oh yeah well yeah we uh we are overdue for some dim sum. That's about what I miss.

I miss more than anything. I want dim sum with like eight of us. Me too, man. Sharing everything, you know, just spinning the giant table. Spin it. I miss it. The whole thing spins. No, I do miss that. Hopefully we can

shove a bunch of food into our gross faces. It'll happen. We'll all make it through this and we'll celebrate. We will have a mukbang to end all mukbangs. Hell yeah. Thanks for talking to me

thanks for having me thank you thank you little Cholo the people know about little Emil we talked about him oh really we did yeah we kept

his memory alive he's around oh yeah you've got him i've got him and he's in is he in your car he's in my car oh perfect jesus is my co-pilot and little emil is my drug mule well for little emil and for aaron and for me me, this is Nathan Lund saying thank you, Becker. Thank you, Mutiny Information Cafe. Thank you, Trinidad. And thank you, you, for listening.

Like, share, and subscribe. Get on our Patreon if you want even more chubby content. You get an extra episode per week for only five dollars a month so uh please consider uh becoming a chubby chaser via patreon.com and uh yeah tune into whatever bullshit sam and david end up doing on friday they'll probably sam will probably freestyle rap way too much and David will chuckle embarrassingly. Embarrassedly.

That makes it sound like David's chuckling. It's embarrassing. But no, David will be chuckling. David will chuckle, comma, embarrassed. In an embarrassing fashion. An embarrassed fashion. Jesus Christ. Alright, time for my Chuckle comma embarrassed in an embarrassing fashion and embarrassed fashion. Jesus Christ.

All right. Time for my time for my pill. We're going to go read the AP style guide. My foot is swelling up, but I got to get some water in me, but yeah. Thanks Aaron. And thanks all of y'all.

Take care. Wipe your ass. Chew your food.