Chubby Behemoth - Del Taco In Space

Episode Date: October 1, 2023

Get 10% off your 1st month of therapy & support the podcast at https://www.betterhelp.com/CHUBBY   There's No Moving Past Porn. Plum Herringbone. Bagel Bites In The Bathroom.    Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth   Extra episodes at Patreon.com/chubbybehemoth

all right now we're live what is this picture of me that's funny earth to nathan can you hear us yeah i'm here man one is currently orbiting the moon he heard that there was a del taco in space and he rolled down his window to order at the drive-thru and was sucked into oblivion now earth has two moons one our vanguard that's been there since the beginning of time another one nude covered in hair angry that he has no del taco i've thought about this there's a lot of's a lot of trips I take to and from Denver. Well, I guess from Denver to Trinidad, I usually gas up by the mall in Lone Tree. And there's a Del Taco by that 7-Eleven. So I often get Del Taco, I gas up, and I eat

the Del Taco as I drive down I-25. You gas up again after that Del Taco, I gas up, and I eat the Del Taco as I drive down I-25. You gas up again after that Del Taco gets in your tank. I'm going fast. I'm distracted. Out of all the things that could kill me in the next 10 years, that is probably the highest odds. If you were a betting man, and you are, you're crippling your future

because of your gambling addiction I would put a thousand bucks on me dying with Del Taco on my t-shirt in a ditch I can't wait for Twitter to get a hold of me if it's not you putting hot sauce

on your Del Taco and driving I don't get the hot sauce on your Del Taco and driving it. I don't get the hot sauce because that's like one way I can try to beat the devil. Well, yeah, you can also pull over and put your hot sauce on before you start driving. My dad would go to Taco Bell and he would hand the bag back. And it was my job to put individual squirts of hot sauce on each bite of his tacos and then i was allowed to eat my tacos once the job was finished that's wild

so you're just constantly passing back and forth hot sauce bite hot sauce bite yeah and i'm like handling every bite of it with my child fingers, which have never been washed. I was like, what? Also, Sophie, so I would make Sophie do the same thing to me. So before Sophie could eat, you had to apply hot sauce to my burrito bites. And then I had strep throat. Even though you weren't driving.

Well, no, but I'm the fucking navigator you know Jesus Christ you have to respect the rank order there's a chain of command in the car and I'm the sergeant arm and Sophie's little bugle boy but then I would just constantly get strep throat

and I realized it's because Sophie would eat her boogers and then fucking hand me bites I had strep throat so much in fifth grade i went to school like 60 days out of the entire year yeah i got that a lot too yeah you had strep throat because you're disgusting and you were smoking and you were eight years old yeah my sign all for my body yeah all the foil would get inside of your brain becker found a Foley in front of his hotel, and he's stoked. Found two. Yikes.

Yeah, he found them. Where is that hotel? Is that on the Fremont Street Experience? No. It's like right at the edge where Fremont turns into a very rough ghetto. Yeah, Becker's staying where Tupac got shot. He's right on top of it. They arrested that guy.

They just found the guy. Yeah, I know. It was Carlos and Britt. He also talked about it in a book that came out in 2019. So it's pretty, you know, the LVPD is getting blasted for their lack of attention to anything.

I don't know. They're busy telling homeless people to move it along because the blue hairs want to play Keno. He's friends with a police chief or something, right? He has some weird in with the police that fucks the whole thing up. What's that? Your toaster?

No, that was Carlos and Becker can't go more than three minutes without being like, I love you, I miss you. They're very codependent down here. A lot of holding. Yeah, these two bumping around Skank Fest. Dude, you have to do Skank Fest next year. Bro, Becker is getting recognized.

People are asking for pictures with Becker. Yeah. Banana. That's cool. You would be a huge deal here. Do they do live podcasts at all? They do, yeah.

They're begging us. They're like, when do you want to do a live Chubby B? Finally. You guys can say it, and we can get girls to dump them, and there's no pasties. Yeah. We could have a dump them out and we're in competition. They'd love it. We could do an official say it, don't spray it.

It's the coolest group of comedy fans I've ever... Everybody's rabidly excited for comedy and rules so hard, man. Yeah, man. Everybody has Asperger's and or autism and is fixated on Sam Talent's every move. I'm sure it's a blast.

I'm having a great time, but as Becker can attest, it's been difficult to walk around. This might be the summer of Sam. I'm going to get a.44 caliber gun and I'm going to go bust up kids making out and send them to hell to hang out with my grandfather, who's also a dog. You're getting mobbed, huh? Well, I mean, I don't want to say I'm getting mobbed, but yes. It takes quite a bit of extra time to walk from the door to the exit.

And not because I'm a big, fat turd, listeners, all right? It's not because I have my rascal scooter and I forgot to charge it. Let me get ahead of this one before the allegations come out. Yeah, they just... What? They just love him, but it's everybody. Everybody just loves everybody. It's awesome.

People in line making lifelong friendships. It's really adorable. It's awesome. People in line making lifelong friendships. It's really adorable. It's the age of Aquarius. What shows have you done? I did one last night at 10, which went really well, just stand-up. Then I did Colm Tyrell's Midnight Circus, which opened up with a flair-juggling bartender with huge ones.

Yeah, dude, she was, she had them. I'm surprised she could reach her hand that high over her head. Those weren't the only cups she was catching, if you know what I mean. Her giant bra was working overtime. We can be nasty because we're in Vegas. And then it was like a bunch of weird everyone there was on drugs and it started at midnight and people gave glow sticks out to the crowd and it was packed bro

it was so packed and people were just whipping glow sticks at Tommy Pope's head and then I went out and told scary stories which was a lot of fun which was just me like you know doing crowd work but in this tone and saying imagine a lot and then sean we were like we got to put up sean gardini because he's tripping face on lsd

and he has no idea he's going on so me and column and little sass threw sean on stage and he just went out there and was like i don't want to be here this is terrible and like people were laughing initially and then he just like turned around and started looking at the people seated behind him and was like, oh. So me and Colm, I grabbed the second mic and was like, Sean, quit bombing. Sean, you're doing terrible from backstage. Which just spiraled him even more. And I did this running commentary on, like, how fucked up he was. And that might have been the highlight of the evening it was so good yeah for Sean he's 24 what's he know oh wow I don't know he's 24 yeah I can't imagine

having to do not even knowing you're going to do comedy on lsd but being on lsd and then being surprised with a set oh yeah that must have been awful yeah and then me being like sean why don't you try a joke him being like i can't and i was like okay just keep having a panic attack and then everyone's laughing at everything i say, and he's just floundering. Good old-fashioned. You buried him while he was speaking. He pulled together an ace move at the end, because then when he left the stage, he jumped on the god mic and yelled at Sam about how stressed out and bad it was. Yeah.

And it was. He was like, you made a fool of me. I've been made a laughingstock yet again. He took the power back. He did, yeah. It's just fun down here, man. It rules. People are asking, where's Lund?

Why isn't Lund here? I didn't turn down an invite for the festival, so I don't know what you want me to do. Do I have to apply? I'm not mad at you. Do I have to submit? No, I'll get you. And I figured you wouldn't want to do it.

Eh, might as well. Yeah. Pin me, pay me. I guess Steve Ran is Easy has a similar joke to yours. Yeah, it ended a joke that was very similar to the 69 bit you have. Yeah, I got sick of that anyway. Yeah, but it just made me happy watching a comic I've liked for a long time try to do a bit and then being like, Nathan did this way better.

That came out of hosting Bingo. Yeah, right. better that was that came out of hosting bingo yeah there was there was only so much you could do with numbers 69 everybody giggles and then yeah i started i don't know if 66 and 61 were both uh yeah just ways to do other sex moves uh while calling bingo at Squeaky Bean. Yeah, hitting them with that lewd material at 1.30 in the afternoon as they're eating their brisket nachos. That was like life-changing money back in the day. I would fly in early on Sundays

to get that $300 from doing bingo. Fuck yeah. It was massive, bro. Yeah, and I got free Milk Market gift cards. Nice. And it was Saturday, Sunday for a while. Yeah, I mean, they didn't need to have Saturday.

It was a bit ambitious, as we say. That's our boy Johnny. Ambitious Johnny, they call him. Yeah, he's fine. He sends me a bunch of awful memes of a lady getting tip-fucked and being like, I miss you.

You're getting horrific memes. Maynard says hello and suck my dick. God, every time I talk to him. You know about my personal friend Maynard? He's like, yeah, dude, that was the first thing you said when you hired me for this job. Hello, I'm Johnny. I own the Squeaky Bean. I'm personal friend Maynard? He's like, yeah, dude, that was the first thing you said when you hired me for this job. Hello, I'm Johnny. I own the Squeaky Bean. I'm friends with Maynard.

Okay. Hey. Moving along. Do you want to know who my friends are? I'm friends with Lund. He's like, oh, is Lund singing for Tool? My friend Maynard sings for Tool, which is a band. You might have heard of them.

Maynard's their guy. Stanhope's here. I guess he tripped mushrooms all day last night uh and now he can't get out of bed yeah he like literally he's like he hit me up and was like hey wake up and do this zoom thing where we pick tomorrow's games and i was asleep and then i woke up there was another text when I woke up a half hour later being like, never mind. My tongue's too big. Yeah, I saw that he was there. Did you watch it?

They showed the Road Dogg movie yesterday. They did a Q&A with the director afterward. I guess people were being like, hi, I just want to say this is Sam Talent's book right and I guess Stan Hope's all fucked up it's really hard and he's like let the director answer that and the director was like

Doug showed me Sam Talent's book in the middle of the process for this movie and I refused to read it because I didn't want it to influence my already finished screenplay and Doug was like, that's what happened. Oh, boy. Yeah.

Oh, dude. Someone was wearing a Sam Talent shirt. And Doug and Bingo ran into him. And the guy was like, hey, big fan. And Bingo said, whoa, Sam Talent. And Doug went, what are you talking about you drunk bitch that's not sam talent she went no he was like oh crap score one for bingo last night me and soda were just like hanging out and uh we got fucking bombarded by people from colorado they're like oh colorado

legends and there was this little guy who just kept like trying to touch soda's face soda had to like karate it away yeah and he's like just let me touch your big head and soda's like what the fuck's the matter with you so this kid kept like trying to climb Soder while Soder waxed off this kid's hands and I was so delighted. Oh my god. Yeah, people kept coming up with bonfire tattoos and being like, look Dan. I was like, yeah, remember when he ran away from that show because he was tired

of it? I was being mad. So anyway, while we're sitting there, it's surrounded by people and they're like colorado legends guess who walks in right behind us the ultimate coach prime yeah it was deon sanders he's like i take a helicopter out of here to get to my jet ski to get to oh yeah was it peach no dude it was fucking roseanne oh whoa yeah and we like parted ways like me and dan stepped aside to let her walk through and we were like that's the ultimate Colorado legend.

Yeah. Yeah. So she didn't care to speak to us, but still. Hmm. What have you eaten? What have we eaten, Becker? Oh, I have the best chicken fingers I've ever had in my life. This is the dumbass shit I have to keep up with when he's on the road.

Him stopping me as i'm like signing the lease on ron white's apartment so he can be like we have the best chicken fingers ever it's like that's baby food you ate baby food it was good it was baby food it was amazing carlos and i just like we're trying to find a quick bite to eat and it was truly the best chicken french chicken tenders i've ever had so So, yeah. Where? Culinary Explorer out here. Something Magoo's. Huey Magoo's. Hmm. Yeah, you know that nice restaurant, Huey Magoo's?

If you can, you should try to get a sandwich at the Happy Hoagie. My buddy Eric is running it. But that's the other end of the strip. Yeah, we're on Fremont, dog. There's no Hoagies over here. It's the other end of the strip. Yeah, we're on Fremont, dog. There's no hoagies over here. It's the other end of the strip, but I don't know. Is it all pretty centralized to that end of town?

Yeah, dude. The complex is just... Do you know where Dick's Lab Resort is? Yeah, is it in New York, New York? No, no, we're on Fremont Street. Huh. That's where the whole thing is. It used to be in, I think, New York, New York.

So maybe it moved, must have moved. You know where the Nerd is? That, like, arcade bar? Yeah, right across the street from the heart attack grill okay yeah well yeah i know where fremont street experience is yeah yeah so that's all right there street experience that's where everything is and then i'm at the circuit and then the serfs and the peasants in the middles are all at the nugget. Yeah. And then me and Carlos are at a hotel six a mile down the road. Yeah, these dipshits

couldn't be further from the action. The rules. Unless the action is random gun violence. That's what he's looking for. Yeah, a lot of sex workers hanging out in our parking lot. Yeah, sure. Like you're back in Shibuya.

Next year you can come down here man and wear out some eggs but the eggs are people you know what I'm saying yeah I understand I will not be banging any egg people but if we could do a live chubby bee that'd be cool yeah I think next year

it would make sense. Because there's a bunch of people here who are into the pod, which is insane. Thank you to everyone who came up and said, Hey, don't fire Becker, fire Sam. Okay. There's a London Becker operation now. There's a couple of presents for Sam, and I'm excited to see Sam get these gifts later today. Yeah, Becker knows the presents already, but he won't tell me what they are?

No, I need to see it on his face. It's going to be beautiful. We also had sandwiches at a 24-hour deli last night that were incredible. Yeah. Oh, hell yeah. Yeah, a turkey sandwich at 2 a.m. Nothing like it. It puts it all together.

What do you got tonight? I have two shows at four and then I'm done. It's going to be blackjack until I have to cut my fucking debit card in half and give one half to Carlos and one half to Becker. Did you bet on the CU game? No, no, dude. I have no faith in CU either way. CU game? No, no, dude. I have no faith in CU either way. I mean, they probably got more than

eight, and they lost by six. I also slept till 1230. Yeah. I didn't know if you bet last night. No, no. I am going to get my bets in today, though, because we have a roped-off area at the Storka Sportsbook tomorrow, where me, Josh Potter, Egan, and Doug are going to watch all the games. Oh, cool. Is that going to be filmed for something? No, I think it's just Potter is like a fucking legendary gambler, and he set it up,

because last year we were just in there, and we couldn't sit in this. Anyway, it's a big boring story. But yeah, Potter set it up and we're fucking golden, baby. That sounds very fun. Becker has a new ranking of comedy powerhouses. Fucking Louis C.K.

and Norm have been removed for Annie Letterman. He's a big Letterman guy. Oh, because she had a good set. She did have a good set last year.. He told me about this set three times. yeah twice three times okay you were blackout last night too many sigs. oh you had four beers. I did have four beers. did she come I can't think of whether she came down and did a chief or not. That would be impossible. Probably not, right? I'm thinking of Alice Wetterland.

Yeah, a lot of people next to her. I just don't know either of them well, so I was confused. I wasn't being nasty. I'm telling you the truth. Also, if you look at Becker's saved tabs on his laptop, the first one is WTF with Marc Maron. The second one is Nerdist.com. Yeah.

What the fuck, Becker? Nerdist is great. How long have you had this laptop? Since 2006? No, but I've had the same Google account since 2005. You are a problem. I need to update your... He's got the something awful

forums. Yeah. He's got the bodybuilding forums. Nerdist I checked every day for work for years. I was ordering comic books and had to be on top of what was happening and new and cool. Oh, so this is a write-off? You're not just a dickhead? Yeah, Nerdist

and CBR are my go-to every morning. I still have it. I check them every morning. You need to expand your horizons, Becker. You've got to move out of that little horse town. Move to Vegas. Become a problem gambler. Yeah, I can see that happening.

I'm trying to learn how to gamble today, Lund. For tomorrow? Just football? Knowing nothing? Blackjack. We just saw Egan go full tilt and lose his whole stack in two hands. That was brutal. Yeah, it was.

Oh, because you guys were trying to get him to go to lunch or something? No, we were playing blackjack waiting for Becker to come over to the hotel. New dealer. Egan steamed off off a hand and he puts in his whole stack and he wins on that and then he's like let it ride and i was like all right let it ride so he lets it ride and i'm talking like probably like 500 bucks stacked up and he gets two queens and he's like yes all right and then the dealer has a 10 up and then goes to peek at her whole card and just goes oh no flips it over if you have the dealer has the ace up at least there's the moment of trepidation of like no it can't be it can't be and then she takes a peek and flips it

over but no this was just a secret 21 which is that's fucking drowning your baby in the bathtub no no insurance available when it's the the queen up yeah dude that was fun to watch i'm like becker it's a fun game of skill don't worry and then you could just get the hose down by every fucking fire department in vegas you did three tiny laps real the the worst i would say if you can it's less stressful if you can play with people you know. Because strangers will fucking be so brutal if you do anything out of line. If you hit one time too many, if you hit and get a 10 that was going to make the dealer bust, they'll be pissed. So it'd be better if you can find a table or an area that's dead so it's just a couple of you, and you can play a little slower.

Talk about it. You can talk no matter what. I wanted to learn on a $5 table, and those don't exist anymore. Remonstrate. Bro, this was fucked. Yesterday, me, Toby McMullen, and Gardini are playing Blackjack at El Cortez, and I noticed that you can see the dealer's hole cards. When she goes to deal, she flips it out of the machine so the card's up,

so we can see what she has. We know her down card. And I like – She has them. Sorry, housekeeping's here. Becker's going to go. All right. What happened there, Becker? It was housekeeping. go. Alright. What happened there, Becker?

It was housekeeping. And you said, we're good, and she went... She said, wonderful. So yeah, we can see her whole card, and I tell Toby, and he's like, oh, I've been on it for a while. We still lose. We still, we can't figure out how to fucking capitalize on perfect information. Because if you know she has 18 and you have a 17 you're like all of a sudden hitting on 17s after standing on 16s like it was i did we just kept fucking

losing we're hitting on 17s against 19s it was so infuriating bro and she didn't she didn't figure it out did any did a pit boss come along and smack her yeah they got out the bamboo cane and gave her the sandman treatment over the head i mean that is agreed that's dumb as hell that's your whole job and she's blowing it i know and not only was she blowing it we were also still getting bent over the barrel and having fucking Spurs put in our holes. It sucks so bad. Wait, uh, I was going to ask earlier if there are,

if you can use betting apps in Nevada, it seems like maybe they would have fought it, but then bet MGM is via MGM. Yeah, you can use MGM and I think you can use the Caesar sports book app, but you can't use FanDuel here. Okay. So they were able to navigate that? Yeah, so I just have to place all my bets

at the book and it's like, okay, how am I going to get fucking Ritter over rushing yards from the book? You know how I like to scramble my little eggs with a bunch of little prop bets here and there? Sure. He took the over on the games to start on time.

What? He bet that all the games would start on time. Yeah. He doesn't know about sports. He said I couldn't bet on Gatorade unless it was the Super Bowl. Yeah. You've bet that, right, Sam? I have in the past, yeah.

Foolish bet. No skill involved in that. I like when there's skill involved. I like when I know that Sam LaForte is going to get over 45 yards and hits on the first fucking pass of the game. You guys look grainy. I hope Riverside cleans you up. They will.

We got full quality. Yeah, we're good over here. We're perfect. You look good. So Riverside FM is our new means of recording. And if you have any questions, guys, about how to record a podcast after doing it for three and a half years, please hit up Beckett because he's really

making breakthroughs over here. He only has half his face on camera, which is... Our whole face is on camera. He's showing us a split screen. Okay, don't be nasty. Because you're backed into a corner doesn't mean you have to pull your blades out, Leonardo. Well, no, I just wanted you to know we're in the forefront. Someone last night was like,

Whoa, it's Becker. He does look like a ninja turtle. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Huh. Uh, what else? We're going to go to rotten.com real quick.

Oh, God. Becker has it saved. Speaking of Tupac, that rotten makes me think of the autopsy every time I was like oh good the internet's gonna change me little 14

year old pud has to grow up quick thanks to the internet you were older than me online so I was just like downloading porno and you had already moved past that and you were looking at the Kennedy assassination from the other camera

there's no moving past porn does anybody I wasn't 16 being like alright well I've had my fill so that's good now on to more adult fare like crime scene photos.

Yeah, exactly. Give me the Chris Farley. I thought it does it for me. You're like the strip club owner in Striptease where you're like, I went to the zoo the other day and a manatee gave me a boner. That was you at 50. Striptease really sucked.

It was always on. And I was oh wow yet again i can tell my mom that i'm watching reno 911 no no don't come in it's okay mommy because because of what e uh no it was always on like showtime yeah what striptease oh all right well your internet's bad so i didn't hear that word doesn't matter the recordings okay no you guys are blowing it nobody nobody's gonna be able to tell who i'm talking to two two pink two pink mouths i didn't hear striptease. It must have lagged for a sec. Nom nom nom. Nom nom nom. Let me be your egg.

Use me. Use me like your little soft-boiled friend. This was fun. Listen to this one. Here we are. Ready? Sam Talent flies early to go to Indianapolis

to do the White Rabbit Cabaret as part of Let's Fest great time now David Borey you already did that? yeah I did it on Thursday David Borey says my flight's delayed I'm not going to be there in time

to see your set I say okay so when I was in time to see your set. I say, okay. So when I was in Austin with Bori and Egan, I mentioned that I had a croissant. And they lambasted me, and they pinned me to the pillory, and they pulled my pants down and turned it around so everyone could grow tomatoes and carrots at my rump. So I know, don't ever say croissant I'm gonna Bori again unless I want to

hear about it in his gravelly railroad voice for two and a half hours so I'm on stage if Bori's not here maybe I'll do the

croissant thing so I'm on stage and I say yeah I was in Paris I was eating I was having cappuccino and croissant

what do I hear in the back of the room I fucking hear the back of the room? I fucking hear the dump truck spill all the china. It's Bori. And he heard me say croissant because he got there early. And then for the rest of my set, I'm just like, I'm doing well. And then I realize I'm going to have to hear about the croissant.

I'm on stage in front of a packed room doing my thing while also in the back of my mind just thinking god damn as soon as I get off stage I'm going to hear about the croissant and as soon as I get off stage who's in the green room the bulbous beanbag man from Sierra Leone himself and the first thing he said croissant that sucked that was brutal that's fun That sucked.

That was brutal. Yeah, that's fun. Do you have to say it like that for the joke, or you just try to say it like you've been to Paris eight times, because that's you? No, that's how you say it. That's how you pronounce croissant. Croissant is not a thing over there.

A croissant is... Well, you're thing over there. A croissant is. Well, you're not over there. You're over here. I'm over everywhere, man. I sell tickets from Memphis to Madagascar. I'm more over than the fucking Legion of Doom. I saw

I think you had an Instagram post story where you mentioned the croissant thing. Yeah. I didn't know what the deal was, but that's good. Did he get you in Denver? Or no, you said Austin. Yeah, he got me in Austin.

I mean, he got both. I just said in the green room. Like, yeah, I was, you know, drinking cappuccinos and having croissant. And they were like, oh, croissant! And then they just fucking, oh, croissant and then they just fucking, oh, it was brutal. Egan was still making fun of him

two days later when I got there. Egan said it today. So that was, that was difficult and then, since, I feel like I'm the camel today

and I'll carry you both across the finish line. Okay. I have to go to a wedding on Monday in Denver for Olivia, my sister's co-worker, as we call it. And I think Olivia calls it friends, but Sophie says co-worker. And Sophie's like, you need to dress up because all my co-workers think you're rich and famous, and I don't want you to look like a fucking pud. Okay, well, this is going to be fun.

Can't wait for this to be your show monkey as you fucking work the organ grinder, and I clap and jiggle. So Sophie's all ready, putting the fear of God in her. So I don't have any of my clothes because they're all in storage. So I'm like, okay, I'll fly. As soon as I get to Vegas, I'll go to the destination XL. So, I wake up in Indianapolis, hour and a half lower in Chicago, three and a half hour flight to Las Vegas, go right to the goddamn DXL.

Emily's wearing a green dress, okay? So, Emily and Sophie are like, get something that matches the green dress. I'm like, I'm going to get something cool. So I get top to bottom plum herringbone jacket. Nice. Yeah. Awesome. I look like the kingpin if he was black.

Fuck yeah. Yeah. I look like a human slave, you know? Yeah. Like I should have a really small bowler hat and be smoking one of those long cigars that's chewed up as I hit racing forms against my hands fuck yeah that rules

I look like Minnesota Fats if they redid The Hustler yeah it's crazy I have a nice cool fucking emerald shirt and I hit up Emily and I'm like I went to DXL I got the suit I'm gonna look good and she's like okay what color is it and I'm like it's a surprise and then I get the suit. I'm going to look good. She's like, okay, what color is it? I'm like, it's a surprise.

Then I get the phone call immediately from Sophie and three-way call. Hey, so we just want to know what color the suit is. I'm like, well, no, I want it a surprise. Don't worry about it. Yeah, don't worry. I look cool. We're going to look great

together. I had two Latina women outfit me. They're stoked. I showed them a picture of the dress they say it's gonna match perfect my shirt matches the dress my belt's gonna match the whole thing and Emily's like Jesus fucking Christ just tell us what color it is and I'm like oh okay what's going on

right now and Sophie's like just do what she says you never do what we say and I was like I just spent $700 on a fucking suit so I could impress your dumbass friends, Sophie, who were all nodding off on Kratom and checking their phones every six seconds. Emily's like, you're changing the topic. I'm like, no, just let me have this. Let me fucking surprise you guys with a suit.

And Emily's like, no, you tell us right now. I would have hung up on both of them. God damn. I'm in the back of our Uber with a suit in my lap figuring out where I can go donate blood to pay this thing off because I put it on installment plan. So I just yell in the back,

it's plum herringbone. And they both go, oh my god, you fucked it. Fuck them. They're wrong. plum herringbone. And they both go, oh my god, you fucked it. Really? Fuck them. They're wrong. I can't fucking win, dude. Who's the worst? Well, now you get to be right, though.

Now you get to show up looking amazing and them happy. I'm not going. Okay. Yeah. I'm going to have my own wedding. You and an egg? Yeah,

I'm going to marry a whole 12. Best thing about an egg is even though it's got a mouth, it can't talk. It's got a hole, but not a mouth. Well, it's good.

It's kind of like it's a cualaca? Qualaca? What is it? Calaca. Cloaca. Cloaca. Am I saying that

right? Oaxaca. Oaxaca oaxaca mexico that's where they're from uh well yeah what a stupid thing to you have to look really good for my fucking friend of two years wedding or else everything's fucked it's like you're not officiating you're not the best man you're not officiating, you're not the best man. You're a friend of a friend. You're tangential to this whole thing. I'm going to a wedding today. I'm excited. Very low stakes.

What are you going to wear? Pants and a shirt. Damn. Probably seven strong. Maybe that pink one with the bow tie. No jacket. Have not decided yet. I don't know if I have a good belt, so I might have to

go untucked, which is not really ideal. It's a Trinidad wedding, right? Yeah. The bride's going to be shoeless. The groom's going to be holding a banjo. Yeah. Billy Strings is playing.

These are good, fine folks from Philadelphia. There'll be a tuxedo t-shirt with the sleeves ripped off, an Eagles jersey or two. Instead of throwing rice, they throw batteries at Santa. Eric Lindros kit, for sure.

On the dog slash ring bearer. That'll be fun. They're gonna root for Randall Cunningham in public but then on the drive home, say some real bad stuff. No, I'm excited. I like them both very much, Ruth and Dan. Dan listens

to the pod. Dan, congrats. Yeah, it'll be a good time. Yeah, I like them both a lot. May Ruth have them forever. And you get to hold them. To have them and to hold them. You're going to go bow tie?

Maybe. It's the bow tie that I got from Kristen for her and Wes's wedding, and I wore it when I got married so I might bust it out but I haven't decided yet I would

totally wear the bow tie you look cool in it yeah I bet you look good in your fucking grimace suit you bitch how about that you definitely should wear fucking purple to a wedding good in your fucking Grimace suit, you bitch. How about that? You definitely should wear fucking purple to a wedding that isn't about you. That's a good call.

I feel like there's a little prank here. How about get it out of the closet? Let's see it. Dump it out of the closet yeah let's see it dump it out man they wanted to get rid of the only 5x suit that they had left from from 2016 gorgeous I can't see the herringbone. Yeah, it's hard to see the color. It looks black. Yeah, it's a nice dark purple.

It's not insane. I look black in it, too. Man. That sucks That suit rules I'd wear it Yeah but Becker you also think The chicken tenders you had were transcendent

So your taste is really Carlos agrees that they were transcendent chicken tenders Carlos is used to eating adobe Fair enough Yeah Carlos does no shit Carlos eats what he finds in the woods Working for BLM He's a forager

Are those black walls or no? On the hotel? Very dark wood Curtains? Oh, okay Yeah, it's a nice spot They got him a good room here yeah man and i was worried that i was putting like the fucking reserve tank for people they forgot were on the festival but i guess the circus the good one and everyone all the you know people other people are at the nugget

you know what i mean but yeah i got like they were like hey uh do you want an upgrade they said what kind of room do you want smoking or not and i was like i don't care i could take either and they were like well if you can take a smoking room off of our hands we can give you a free upgrade and overlooks the pool and now i'm overlooking the circuit pool that has like a fucking bigger than a billboard worth of television showing all the football games and babes down there letting them bounce and be buoyant so i really came up on this one and now becker can blast giant cigarettes while we do the podcast yes it's lovely is it uh hot there is it mild it's. It's overcast and kind of breezy.

It's really nice today. Yeah. Yeah, I was a sweaty mess after walking to the festival on Friday. It was rough. Oh, he was gross. I walked up on him and it looked like someone confused his head for an egg and then called over all of their friends to also use the egg. It's true.

I had dried salt on my temples. Wait, did you get a haircut today? No. What happened? What do you mean? I thought you were frizzle-frazzle yesterday. It'll be frizzle-frazzle in a little while. Oh, my God.

Yeah. You looked like Ari Shaffir last night. Yeah, it's coming. This is nuts. Yeah, it'll fuzz up. It'll slowly get more moisture and start to curl. What the fuck?

Yeah. Oh, you know what I was going to mention is the Spaghetti and Westerns Festival is in a couple weeks in Trinidad. Thank God. It's been radio silence from

Wally Wallace, and I'm a little nervous that he has found podcast episodes where we've discussed him and his stupid brain i don't know if i don't know if i'm like in persona non grata or what but uh i'll be in town i I'm not booked. So we'll see if I am called in. Or if... I mean, last year, the only comedic part of the festival was me and Jeremy and Jay Gillespie making fun of Wild Wild West at Sexy Pizza. Well, I think the whole thing was a copy of errors, honestly.

Right. But I'm saying like i don't know if uh while he's pivoting away from the comedic elements and just wants to screen like actual classic films and then there's like a little music involved or what revolving away i just yeah I don't know I'm in the dark and I don't want to the Creech waged against him for naming it the Spaghetti and Westerns Festival

no she was she was relaying things that a couple other people had said Tegan's partner didn't love the idea of sci-fi and stir-fry, which, come on. I mean, that is, and it hasn't happened. I don't think it will.

Maybe it'll happen in Pueblo, where there's more of an Asian-American population. But, yeah, Megan wasn't stoked, and I don't think that that had anything to do with this I don't know might have been us if you guys didn't live blasting him of course it was us blasting him I don't even think that's it I think what's gonna happen is two days before he needs you he's gonna hit you up with a set plan because he assumed you were in okay yeah that's what that's possible carlos just texted

becker find a piece on your way back what does that mean a piece of ass piece of glass oh you want to get some fucking crystal methamphetamine no jesus christ weed out of you know what lun i'll take the heat on this foily wally wally i'm sorry that uh we have blasted you on this pod for probably a total of an hour and a half for your dumb ideas. One wanted to keep it copacetic down there, but I said, you know what, Lund? We've got to be the bad boys that Southern Colorado needs. We've got to scream the truth all the way over Raton Pass. So, yeah, a lot of your ideas are bad, but we like you as a guy. I've been known to have bad ideas.

Remember, I wanted to have a festival I wanted to do. What was this? It was the Tiramisu and No Jews Festival. Oh yeah, we did. A couple of our friends. What?

Oh wait, no, that was Chowder and jaeger oh becker becker stop how about let me jump on the facts good speaking speaking of the creators of that uh almost festival how about the fact that during high plains we came up with our open it involved three musical cues with one song all you had to do was play one song three different times the first two times very obvious because either you or sharpie said to the sound booth area hit it right so of course we're not too worried about those. And then the third one, slightly more complex, because as we explained in great detail a couple of times,

at the very end, there's going to be a moment where Sam realizes that his, you know, the whole thing was that we had six months to live. Sam reveals that, you know, he thing was that we had six months to live sam just uh reveals that you know he was told about this six months ago and so as you look at your watch to see what time it is just play the song the third time and didn't really turn out that way did it thanks to several several several fumbles by several people whose job it was to make that happen for us right so what are you gonna do i don't think that was on little sam i think it

was on the sound person who showed up two seconds before the show started because they had to smoke cigarettes yeah weeping makeup running down her chin uh one sleeve torn off of her suzy and the banshee shirt the other one still attached uh it was like she like fucking survived a mosh pit that was improvised yeah so i don't think that one was on sam it was perfect that there were like seven people either backstage or running around coordinating, supervising yeah they have headset microphones on

they have like fucking road flares they're waving us to the stage yeah of course they're doing semaphores with flags and it was it was just so perfect that like several times when me and you and Chris were finalizing this thing, it was like, oh man, that third time is the charm. Especially because nobody says hit it.

There's that real second of realization, fear, whatever. And then to break that tension with the come on, feel the noise for the third time. And instead, we all stand there. I was holding the mic stand and so I pointed at the sound booth like, hey, hello. And then you're looking at your... And then you said... I'm looking at my watch. Yeah, I say, I'm looking at my watch. Oh, man.

Yeah, that was good. Luckily, it didn't matter. They're like, okay, make sure Ron Doyle knows how many mics you have. Give Sam your sound cues. There's little Zach who's doing push-ups and chin-ups because he's the bodybuilding half-man of Crater Lake. Make sure you put your food requests in to Karen.

If you have any makeup you need done, talk to this person. And then we can't even get a watch cue. Meanwhile, I can't see everything had one of the fucking blue angels jump out of a plane after the flyover and land through the skylight and that went off without a cue but yeah

it was crazy bro and then he said there's no just war there's no just war oh it was a born on the 4th of July situation a vet who was speaking out against the military industrial

complex yeah and also I don't know when that all fantasy everything who was speaking out against the military-industrial complex. Yeah, and also, I don't know when that All Fantasy Everything comes out. Did you see that? The one I was on? Oh, yeah, that one. Spicy. I think people are going to be like, what the fuck? Oh.

I did hear about it. Oh, yeah, because we drafted things you're into as an old guy. Yeah. And I drafted the first thing. Things we hope we're into when we're old men. And I said 18-year-old girls was my first pick. And then I alluded to the fact that Sean Jordan has a one-year-old

in 17 years. It'll work out for both of us. Yeah. And then Ian Carmel took the Democratic Party. It's like, we couldn't have been signaling further things from each other it's fun to be bad but you know what i don't think that that is like a mental issue for me but you know if you have mental issues

yeah yeah uh you get me on a fucking lime scooter no no but a segue i'll drive it off the cliff from connection to what's next uh this this episode brought to you by better help nathan you know about better help i've heard about it it's the hot new uh way to get your brain picked and dissected and possibly rearranged in a better, healthier way. They go in like kids learning how to solder in shop class and they rewire your brain through, I think they use frontal lobe shocking techniques. Is that true? It's kind of like a deleted scene from...

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Look, every night when I get home, I want to crush the tiny mirrors inside of my wife's skull. I want to say, the Kool-Aid man's here. While I wear my plums too. I'm going to look stupid in. Because those brouhahs tricked me.

Yeah, they for sure were like, oh yeah, plum. Plum's good for you. I was like, thank you. No, I have no intention to ever hurt my wife. And I need to say that here on this public forum. Becker, edit that part out. Well, look, imagine if you have kids and you're kind of over it. I bet it sucks after you family annihilate.

But, man, when you're in the throes of it, it feels pretty fucking good. Taking that power back? Oh, yeah. I bet you're kind of worried as you're filling up the bathtub. And when you say, hey, the bagel bites are ready, but we have to eat them in the bathroom tonight. There's probably some anxiety and trepidation involved. But, man, as soon as they stop struggling.

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Man, I just laughed so hard it upset my stomach. Yeah, I have to go fucking do an improvised set on, I always want to say Trevor Wallace. What's his name? Jeremiah Watkins. Oh, nice. Yeah. So I'm on Jeremiah's show, and then I just do regular stand-up on another one, then I'm done by six.

Nice. And Soder wants to hit the tables. Fuck yeah, let's go. We've got to get down there, man. Watch his giant head. He's fucking four heads tall. Yeah. And he's huge. He asked about you last time.

Yeah. Oh, nice. That's nice of him. Me and Spade talked about him. Spade was under the impression that Soder was as big or bigger than you or Shane. Is that true? He's taller than me, I think. Yeah, he's tall as fuck.

And he's wide? No. He's broad-shouldered? He's pretty broad-shouldered. He slouches. He's got that I-walk-everywhere-while- i walk everywhere while i smoke posture yeah kind of like dude he said last night that he watched that uh broncos game with mcdaniel yeah that's his name right the head coach of the dolphins yeah mike mcdaniel oh yeah they're friends that's funny

yeah he was at that game and then afterward like he asked him, he was like, so, dude, how'd that feel? And McDaniel was like, it was just very good to execute so well. They have a really good defense, and it felt really good that we were able to implement our plan. And then two hours later, he was like, hey, man, how did it feel? And McDaniel was like, no better fucking feeling in the world to hang seven fucking Denver Broncos. They overlooked me so much back in the day.

And here I am. We could have put 73 on them, but no, I showed class. And I was like, so happy for you, Dan. Thank you for telling me this story.

I'm so worried the Broncos are going to ship away. Fucking Jerry, Judy, Cortland Sutton, Garrett Bowles, maybe Sertain. There's's gonna be a fire sale if we go oh five dude we're gonna have to rebuild all the way up it's gonna suck yeah yeah i saw uh that dude uh brandon perna is a colorado guy that does videos funny sports videos broncos

videos and he said that mike mcdan McDaniel didn't get interviewed, didn't get the time of day from the Broncos when he was looking for a job. So yeah, that's stupid. Just another misstep in the fucking organization. And now you've got the Waltons own it or whatever. Some weird conglomerate of half sports fans. Just like that new trend of anybody with a bunch of money just deciding to get to buy a sports team. And then it's like, yeah, what are you going to, you're just going to say like, get the best coach that

we can or, you know, like broad bullshit. We need to perform better. And it's like, okay, yeah, you're going to what replace Elway with someway with some other tech fuck who also has money and then it's their job to Google football. Yeah, they're going to replace Elon Musk's daughter. Mrs. Mustapalistics

or whatever her name is. It's just curious. There are ones and zeros. It's like, what if the ball was round? What if we could change the ball itself? Very good. Yeah, man, I don't know.

I don't have a lot of hope for the donkeys, which is crazy to say after three games in. But I'll be wearing my Shire jersey tomorrow in that Circus Sports book. They're playing the Bears, who are maybe in more trouble than the Broncos. I know. I don't.

If the Broncos are favored, they're minus three. But if they lose, god damn it. I won't be the only one eating bagel bites in the bathroom that day. I mean, I just know there's a big difference between the dolphins and the bears. So you might get a glimmer of hope tomorrow, and there might be a little bit of regrouping or whatever, a little bit more confidence instilled. Because, yeah, I mean, the bears are freaking out.

And their defensive coordinator got raided by the FBI, maybe, probably. Yeah, I know. And Ben Avery told me it was because they found a bunch of CP on his laptop. Oh, no. Yeah. Yeah, I don't know. And they said it was going to happen before it happened. I don't know if there's a truth to that or not, but it all is very shady right now.

And so that can't be good. A bunch of people in chicago are like was our dc a fucking chimo what the fuck you know that's that's not good for morale in the in the training room or like were we taking orders from a pedo i think what happened dude was he was trying to find a contract that uh former defensive coordinators had when they worked for that team. So he was Googling Bears legal, and I think that it auto-corrected to barely legal, and then he probably went down a rabbit hole.

The next thing you know, the squad team's at the door, and he's never been harder, and all the eggs have been used up. He's got an egg on each finger don't ask where the 11th one is oh man well i miss you lund and i can't wait to see you i miss you too and you know a lot of people online, Reddit, Patreon, talking about how they miss us. If you're not on the Patreon, there's a bunch of episodes waiting for you. So why don't you go over there, patreon.com slash chubby behemoth. Dive in.

You got a bunch of great episodes in the archives. All yours for only $5 a month. And you also get videos that fucking mate are on there, too. Yeah, join the Patreon. Several fun videos. It's what? An easy way to jack off without going to a porn site? That's right. An easy way to

help us out, man. I mean, even if you don't like the pod, maybe give us five bucks out of Spike. Yeah. You know, because the more money we get, the closer one's going to be to driving off the road munching Del Taco. They can afford more tacos. Becker can get more cigarettes. I can buy more plum suits that move me closer and closer to the ultimate day of reckoning. Yeah.

Instagram.com slash Shelby Behemoth, everyone. Get up on there. If you live in Kansas City or Des Moines, come see me next week. I'll be out there, followed by Key West, followed by Tampa, Florida, Janesville, Minnesota, Minneapolis. I'm coming. I'll be out there. Followed by Key West. Followed by Tampa, Florida. Janesville, Minnesota. Minneapolis, I'm coming. All these spots in October. SamTalon.com.

And if you're one of our fucking astounding numbers of Latvian or Estonian listeners, I'm coming to Talon and Tarun, Estonia. Followed by Vienna, Prague, Budapest, Bratislava. London, get your fucking tickets. We're still a third sold there. That's nerve-wracking. London, November 7th, my mom's birthday. Maybe she'll come down from heaven and bless us with a fresh ticket.

Chicago, I got a bunch of new dates. We're about to go on the website. Baltimore next year at McGoovies. Phoenix, I'm finally coming down there. SamTalent.com for all the action. Yeah, I'll be in Kansas City with you. I'll be in Tampa. I will be in Pittsburgh the week of Halloween,

October 29th, doing shows there through Will Hancock and Joe Esch will be with me, so that's exciting. I get to meet Joe Esch, maybe the biggest Lund fan of all. I'll probably have to swat his hand away like I'm Soder. He'll just try

to touch my face, and I'll have to slap him away. He unironically wants to bang you so bad. He's so turned on by your body. Yeah, it's pretty wild stuff. But yeah, it'll be nice to be complimented and wooed

and have some doors open for me. If I had the gentleman Joe. But yeah, I'm excited. I haven't been to Pittsburgh before, so I'm excited to check it out. Anything else? Oh, Soup's On. Soup's On on YouTube. It's's free it's 40 minutes of me uh it's a good

special donnie townsend called it good absurdist stand-up comedy and i didn't know if he was trying to be uh backhanded or if he likes his comedy absurdist but either way I think he was my town's and approved yeah Donny T so dude like Donny does knock up a 26 year old when you're in your 50s and watch him on special maybe cut it before I said that okay all right now we got to wait for something