Chubby Behemoth - Drop Trou

Episode Date: October 29, 2020

Flippin' Lash. Piss under the bridge. You can eat the big bowl.   This weeks sponsor Hold The Phone! https://holdthephone.tv/   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth.

So hey, by the way guys, if you're listening to this and you live in Denver, Colorado, come out to Sticker Treat on Saturday at Denver Central Market. I think that's where it is. A bunch of comics dressing up as their other comedians and doing jokes and stuff. It's a Halloween tradition here in Denver, Colorado and only here. We invented it. So take that, Norman. You can't read. And the other guy,

Matt Ruby. And Mark Norman presents Sam Towne and Christy Bukley in Stick or Treat at the Denver Central Market. Come out Halloween night. Very eerie stuff going on. Lund, who are you going to be? Bruce Bruce. Last year I was Robin Williams.

Yep, it was a hit. That was fun. It was great. This year, I'm going to be Tom Segura because when I had my freshly shaved head and beard combo, a couple people told me I looked like him and I thought, alright, boom. Stick or treat. So come out and see who does Blackface. That's a

big part of it. Enjoy the episode, everybody. Satiation. Yeah. No breathing. Satiation. No breathing. Ate 40 muffins and it's like I'm a baby teething.

No, I didn't. Yeah, someone suggested on the Patreon that we should do a GoFundMe to see how much food we can get you to eat. Nice. Yeah, they were like, let's just all pitch on a bunch of snacks and then see if Becker can pound them all. Yeah, eat them straight through. But I think the issue would be if we crowdsourced it, you'd have to eat a bunch of pickles

and then probably some weird sausage. Pickles, sausage I'm with. FMA, feed me anything. Fruit snacks. I can eat fruit snacks. I wish we could get into the feeder subculture dude yeah yeah

man I wish I I don't know I love my wife but there's a lot of things I could have done like what travel the world travel the world

eating and getting paid for it yeah exactly oh not even eating actively eating being fed stuff yeah like you know

kind of like a Roman god laying on my back while pickled eggs are shoved into my mouth. Not even grapes. There was a pizzeria on the springs that me and my roommate paid most of rent with because they had a challenge. And we'd go in once a month. It was down by Fort Carson. You went in once a month? We'd go in once a month, like the last week of the month.

And if you ate the whole thing in 45 minutes, it was $300. They didn't force you into early retirement? Yeah, why wouldn't they hang up your jersey? We only probably did it for like six months once we figured it out and went and did it one day. And we're like, this was easy. What was the challenge? It was like a

fucking giant pizza that was like that thick and we had 45 minutes to eat it with one other person. Three people, one giant pizza. But it was to get all the GIs in. It was just a GI ploy. Get all those GIs in there, try to eat a whole pizza. Yeah, all those grunts. And if you lost, it wasn't even bad. It was like a $45 pizza.

Well, and also, when the GIs come in, if they got close to finishing it, they would start lighting off fireworks inside. You didn't fall for that. No. But yeah, that was a great racket we had going there was one in vegas that was like 1200 for a bowl of pho yeah but it was like eight pounds and you had to do the broth and mel was in training for it like i told him about it and mel was like all right dude i'm

gonna get this money and then he was just like drinking a gallon of water before bed to stretch it out yep eating a bunch he was eating like bouillon cubes to get his body accommodated to the sodium content. Yep. Getting all bloated. He never did it. He never did it. One time me and Bori went in there, and the lady was like, we ordered mediums. And she was like, but you were both so big and fat.

And then David was like, I'm not that big. And she like three fingers into his gut. Just like a loaf. She was testing how hard a loaf of bread was. And just buried it in and she was like, you can handle it. Which I loved, of course. That's the best. Oh, yeah.

Was it an old Asian lady? No, this was a Vietnamese place. They're all numbers out there. Probably like pho 88 or something. Right. 88. Yeah, I think it was Fuh88. Uh-huh. Oh, I see what you're trying to do.

No, I think it was. I thought you were doing that. No. I'm not all about jokes anymore. I thought you were being a psycho. No, man. I'm a silly guy, you know. I don't want to keep skirting the edge of good taste.

Good call. I'm more of a pant load warrior. Pissed all over my thigh today because my dick was so short. What? That sucked. Because you weren't looking? Well, I was trying to do that out the bottom, you know, Groundhog's Day. In my own home.

Standing over my personal toilet that Emily's not allowed to use. You put a lock on the door. Yeah. Padlock. It's one of those codes. It's my birthday. She'll never figure it out. So I, like, walked Gordy.

And then I came home and I was like, well, my turn, buddy. You know? Yeah, time for me to whiz on some stuff. Let me show you something. Watch and learn, doggo. And then, yeah, just tried to pull it out the bottom and was like, I got this. You know, I was on my phone probably reading about trigonometry or learning a different language. And I just felt my inner thigh becoming warm and wet.

And I was like, my God, what have you done? You know? And it sucks because, like, the mirror's right there. So I did, like, a double take where I looked at myself in the mirror like a Wonder Years. Like, how did I get here? Record scratch. But I'm just pissing on my own leg. like a wonder years, like, how did I get here? Record scratch. But I'm just pissing on my own leg.

And also I had been wearing these very shorts, so there might be a little bit of briny residue. Did you wring them out? No, because they're waterproof. But the undies are soaked. So you were doing hands-free because your dick typically would have stayed past the shorts and underwear, but then not be completely stuck to the thigh? No, so I don't get sticky dick.

I don't get sticky balls. That's one thing I have. They don't sweat? No, they sweat, but they don't stick. Okay. They're perfectly smooth. Like a couple of twin marbles. There's no hair down there.

Yeah, exactly. I'm a Latwino and a Tweeness. You're Latweezin' down there. I'm Latweezin' it. So yeah, I just unsheathed what I thought to be my mighty hog. And in fact it was a

shoat. It was a baby piglet that the mother rolled over on and smothered. And I just was peeing on my leg. And I don't know if you're at that age where you can't pinch, but I really can't pinch as well as I used to be able to pinch. Stop at all? I can stop, but it's not like

the... For like a second and a half? It's not like snapping your fingers and everyone's wearing wigs. You know? Like that classic gag. It's just like... Okay, and we're done. It's like turning off a spigot, you know. So yeah, I pissed all over my thigh. That's pretty cool.

I mean, it was pretty cool. You know, I did go live on LinkedIn. Who wants it? Check it out. The bidding will start. Bidding will start at $25 an hour. Who needs a resume? Look what I can do. I've got a at $25 an hour. Who needs a resume? Look what I can do.

Got a reservoir filled with my piss. Yeah. And then Emily always yells at me because sometimes there'll be piss on the ground, you know? And I always say, it's the shower. And she's like, well, there's not a shower in the downstairs bathroom. It's a half bath. It's a quarter bath. It is.

You guys hear that? It's a quarter ounce. That's me giving some water to my friend Nathan. We share everything. You just peed in a bucket i wish man it was kind of a sobering affair i was really on top of the hog i was feeling good and then just derailed you i pissed on my own rug yeah really brought the room together. Quite a bummer. Yeah, I guess. That's growing up.

Also, I was at the liquor store. It was at the 7-Eleven at 4th and Broadway. I went in there to get this purified water, this gallon of water I need, because my eye keeps twitching so bad it looks like I'm winking at people at the grocery store. Which is not good. Yeah, you don't want to look like the giant dude that's winking at everyone. Like I'm about to tell a ghost story. Get it out there.

Like I have a riddle. Who wants it? I remember once I was winked at at a, I was winked upon at a Baskin Robbins in Parker, Colorado. And there was this like man who had a big curly Q mustache and he was wearing like an unseasonal duster and a weird, not like a cowboy hat, like a flat-brim cowboy hat that had a feather in it. He might have been a time traveler.

He looked like he just woke up out of a tomb. And I turned around, and I looked up, and I was licking my ice cream cone, and he winked at me, and I never forgot. It's burnt into me, and I don't know why. I don't know, five, six five six which one i'm still licking my own cones before i paid that guy to do it for me you know i think it might have been a grandfatherly hey who doesn't love ice cream you're having a good time i'll give you a wink make you feel special i don't know maybe yeah maybe he didn't pull his butt to you in his car

yeah i mean i hope he didn't have the pockets cut out of his pants he had his hands in. Yeah, he was masturbating while he winked at you. Hey, it's a coin flip at this point. A lot of people are complete fucking monsters. Yeah, dude, I don't know, but I'll never forget

mid pralines and cream lick and this guy just bestowing something with one eye at me. You got scared, I guess. It never went away. It's in your brain, yeah. Yeah.

It's not a good thing. I don't know. Pretty formative. Seminal, if you will. Which is funny, that that means the most important thing, like a building block, and also having to do with semen. Because Marin tweeted at me that he got the book and i was like thanks man you're seminal and then a couple people were like pertaining to semen what are you doing i was like no yeah read a book stupid that's not on you but yeah anyway my

eyes been twitching so there's all these like non-binary people at the grocery store who i see every day and i'm just in there fucking, you know, flipping lash at them. Like I want to watch them eat ice cream. Well, yeah, I'm glad you got three times, four times as much water as beer. Because beer dehydrates your ass. I used to get that. Yeah. The next day after a lot of drinking, you're dried out. And your eye starts fucking twitching.

Also, all I ate today was like probably a pound and a half of tuna steaks that I needed to eat. Emily was like, why did you buy those tuna steaks that I needed to eat. Emily was like, why did you buy those tuna steaks? You're not going to eat them. And I was like, watch this. Were they in the freezer? I was like, hold my cone. Or you didn't want to freeze them, and they were in the fridge. They were in the fridge. They were getting kind of stinky. They were about to turn. Yeah, and I was like, I know what to do.

And then I just pounded them with rice. So I don't know. I'm not in the best. But anyway, I was at 7-Eleven today right before I came here, and there was a homeless woman out front who was pretty hot. Real Jeff's girlfriend. You know what I mean? She was a real pretty piece out there. She looked kind of like

who was the lady from... The lady. Who was the character in the film Nightmare Before Christmas? The girl? Bonham Carter? Jack's girlfriend. I'm not going to pull it out. The girl? Bonham Carter? Jack's girlfriend. I'm not going to pull it out. The actress? No, no.

I couldn't even think of Jack Skellington. That ragdoll woman. The woman he's impressing the whole movie. I haven't watched it in a year or two. The woman that skeleton's

piping throughout the film and we just look the other way. I didn't get all turned on watching an animated film. Oh, I did for sure. Oh, well, Coraline. No, I'm kidding.

Yeah. Whoops. Whoops-a-doodle. But yeah, I was like, do you have any money? And I was like, 40 bucks. No. But I was like, I don't have any cash. I was like, 40 bucks, go wait in the car. See, that's one thing you could do.

Yeah, I'm just having a fucking seizure my Bell's palsy acts up she's like hey but yeah if I was single I could just fucking pay homeless women you know for sex damn legalize it normalize it

I'm really missing out there are a lot of kind of cute homeless girls in this neighborhood well that's the thing is you get a real fresh drifter give them a bath and they'll do anything. They just get two huts and a cot. They'll give up every hole they got. You can let them tie it in a knot. But anyway, so I went in the store, and I got a rolling rock, which is 25 ounces,

and I thought I got two rolling rocks, but I happened to get a Heineken. And I got to the counter, and I was like, cool, I got a Heineken, I got her some fruit snacks, and I got this jug of water. And I went out there, and i got to the counter and i was like cool i got a heineken i got her some fruit snacks and i got this jug of water and i went out there and i was pulling out the i was like oh i got you something and i gave her the fruit snacks and then i pulled out the heineken and i was like oh this one's for me and i went to give her the rolling rock and she's like can i have the heineken i was like no i want the heineken this one has more liquor in it and she like kind of rolled her eyes you're like i, I know. That's why I asked. No one should do this for you.

You're in the bottom cast. You're an untouchable. Did you ask her if she wanted anything in particular? She just said, do you have any money? You went with fruit snacks and a rolling rock. Well, she looked like an ex-Becker. She looked like she's on the spike. So they want something sweet.

I like that you couldn't get her a Heineken you had to get her something less than he thought he grabbed two rolling rocks oh yeah because they're right next to each other and they're both

green cans gotcha alright well yeah so it wasn't I wasn't like trying so you weren't putting her in place

yeah it wasn't class war high society looking down you have a you keep your teeth clenched here's a rolling rock

for you here's a little coal miner piss. You've never been to Amsterdam, and you never will. Yeah, dude, so that sucked. Did she take the rock? Of course she took the fucking rock, dude. She was like, Mike, all sucks. She grabbed it out of my hand, ran four yards, got CTE.

Damn. Yeah, dude. C-T-E. Damn. Yeah, dude. Yeah, that's... I keep reading all these stories from this comic, Maggie O'Shea, who was homeless. Man, wild. Just the crazy...

Because you've got half of the people are... Well, yeah. Half of the people are playing trades. Half of the people are obviously down on their luck whatever but a lot of them are choosing to live that way instead of you know working a job you hate to pay a bunch of money for a fucking you know dickhead landlord so you can live and so i like that part of it you know obviously the not all of it it can be romanticized because a lot of them are like running from their past or their fucking parents or whatever but because a lot of them are running from their past or their fucking parents or whatever.

But yeah, a lot of them, pretty cool way to go. Yeah, they're just making a choice. Just bouncing around, seeing what you can get into. Busking. Maggie plays ukulele and does stand-up. Yeah. Very nice. She's got a couple skills

that can maybe make it a little less scary. I don't know. I guess any of them can get temp work if they're not completely unhinged. I like temp work. It's where you batter the shrimp before you throw it in the fire.

Seems like hygiene would be the hurdle to getting gigs after making that choice. the shrimp before you throw it in the fire. Seems like hygiene would be the hurdle. To getting gigs? Work after making that choice. Well, but, so, outside, and then any, like, outdoor, temporary, like, day labor, you could be a, man, I worked for a construction company

in Vegas, and we'd hire day labor, and some of those guys just still reeked of gin, and it's just pouring out of them we're in vegas in the summer it's like goddamn dude just got out of a fucking board meeting huh like just really rough dudes and also you were sitting in like an air conditioning trailer i was a gopher for the yeah for the general contractor you gave him like 70 bucks a day at the end of the 15 hours yeah i, I was a runner, secretary, copy gal.

You were a waddler. Coffee and copies, copies, coffee, copies, coffee. I was, yeah, I was the low rung on the corporate ladder. I was like the dumb, you know, indentured servant. And so I had to do a lot of random shit. Also, like homeless people, for the most part, well, the ones who choose to be part of that lifestyle, your train kid archetype,

they're wearing burlap. They're always in Carhartt khaki, which is the... As a big former overall enthusiast, nothing gets you smellier. It's like you're wearing two pairs of compression shorts. Because that really traps the stink, and it has its own ecosystem in there. Like sometimes you take your

overalls off and a lizard crawls out. It's fucking warm in there, dude. A caterpillar has emerged a butterfly. Yeah, exactly. If you're a lady and you're in that situation, come on. Somebody's baking brownies. Remember that?

Is that a callback? I don't know. I think that's from South Park, maybe? Oh, I don't know. But, woof, dude, yeah. It's got to be stinky. That's why you've got to take them back to your house, you know? Give them a heel of bread.

You used to get that, too. That was like when girls would like you and you were single they'd be like come home come to my house so that i can wash you and feed you something other than like the bowl of pretzels at the bar that you yeah well i'd go to i'd go to uh fucking host at lion's lair on monday and tony would have leftover hot dogs from saturday yeah and me and roger would make five meals out of them dude just pounding hot dogs drinking drinking PBR, then you go home and shit some girl's bed. Just grease up the tracks, man.

Yeah, it was very Christ-like, these women who would see me and take me home and then wash my feet. And it's not like once you get the grime off, I've got a six-pack. Right, no. Yeah, literally polishing a turd. They were debriding me.

There was like barnacles they're scraping off, like I'm an old ship. And then they'd be like, alright, why don't you put that thing I just had to burn clean with a stringent inside of me. You got it, man. Yeah, pretty crazy. Yeah. That that is the case, but it is. So that's cool. Then they'd go to work in the morning and I'd be like, can I crash like i have nowhere else to go yeah i try on all your hats can i break a

couple of your chairs and then mail i remember being like do you need me to let your cat out i said that to a woman once they were being helpful doing them a favor yeah yeah they were like if you want to clean the uh litter box was like ah yeah I'm not going to do that I'm out of here put my overalls back on very smelly it's funny to think of a litter

like a bad litter box is like just a toilet that you that you are choosing not to flush you're really blowing it you're

that cat's going to eat your fucking eyeball as soon as you're dead I fucking hate cats dude it's not the cat's fault where do you stand I love cats okay strike one I hate indoor cats, dude. It's not the cat's fault! Where do you stand? I love cats. Okay, strike one. But I hate indoor cats. Okay,

you like, what, cheetahs and pumas? Panthers? I grew up in the foothills. We all just let our cats do whatever they wanted, and that was great. We had a cat named... You liked less is more when it comes to the cat. Yeah, they'd come inside when they wanted to see you, and then go fuck off and hunt the rest of their lives. They'd maybe bring you in a rabbit as an offering.

Yeah, or a snake once in a while. Once in a while, a snake. That's pretty cool. That's the name of their lives. Maybe bring you in a rabbit as an offering. Yeah, a snake once in a while. Once in a while, a snake. That's pretty cool. That's my next novel. Once in a while, a snake. An outdoor cat. Yeah, dude, we had a cat named Sidney that I saw get picked up by a barn owl. You saw it?

Yeah, I saw it. It got picked up. And then Sidney was this big fat cat. And he just kind of looked around like, I guess I fly now. I guess that's my thing. I'm just airborne. Breaking news. Yeah.

I can fly. I knew it. Yeah. It just made sense. And then it finally struggled and broke free. And then dropped like 35 feet to the ground and just went about its business. Was okay. Totally fine.

Whoa. Yeah. That's badass. Like if my dog got picked up by a cat, he would break all of his legs. Yeah. It was totally fine. Whoa. Yeah. That's badass. Like, if my dog got picked up by a cat, he would break all of his legs. Yeah. He'd land on his dick. You know? Little Gordy.

Little broke dick dog. Cats are amazing. Cats are otherworldly, for sure. Cats stink. They don't stink. They're not... That's the whole thing. My mom wouldn't let us have a cat with, like, a litter box, so it had to be outdoors and

be trained to go outside. That was the agreement. But then going to anybody's house with a cat with a litter box, so it had to be outdoors and be trained to go outside. That was the agreement. But then going to anybody's house with a cat, I hate them. Yeah, because a lot of girls that would pick me up had a cat because they're fucking psychos, broken. They need something they can have control over but doesn't really love them, kind of like me. Something that shits in a box like you.

Licks its own back. Right. Puts its ass on their pillow. Needs its shit cleaned out of a larger receptacle. Usually the bathtub. But yeah, I'd go in there and be like, Oh, this pussy better be righteous. Because I'm putting up with a lot.

I'm doing you a favor in here. They are case by case, cat by cat basis. Some of them are evil. Some of them are evil. Some of them are the sweetest. The cat here is so sweet. Yeah. But sometimes the worst are the ones that let you pet them until all of a sudden it's time for you to get scratched to hell. Yeah.

Because it's like, hey, remember when you wanted me to pet you a second ago? Yeah. That part sucks. Cats all have borderline personality. You have to let them have their claws, which gives them the power to destroy you and ruin your fucking forearms. Yeah. Every day. I don't get it.

It's cool, though, the way you have to train them, because they're not pack animals. They have to be afraid of, like, a higher power. Like, you can't train them if they know you're training them. Do you have to teach them about God? No, but they have to think they're being punished by, like, the room when they do things

that can't be you, or they'll just do things when you're not there. So what do you do? You, like, hide in the closet and as soon as they go to spray, you just, like, throw a lamp at them? They make, like, little bean bags

you can throw at them. Oh, well, I can get behind that. They won't They make like little bean bags you can throw at them. Oh, I can get behind that. They won't hear where it was coming from. Yeah, when I quit heroin, I trained a cat and it was like my best friend for years.

Well, it's kind of the same high, right? The same serotonin, like eating 40 muffins. Out of your kitty. God. I really just hate cats.

I lived with, I lived with two cats for four years. I don't think it was the cats. I think it was the relationship. I think you felt trapped. You were searching for something. You were trying to grow. I wanted to get out so bad,

I would have joined the band Trapped. I would have roadied for Trapped. That's how much I wanted to escape. You would have sucked him off. Yeah. Is that the band? Trapped is headstrong, yeah. Oh, shit.

Yeah, dude. Have we sang that yet? Isn't that hilarious? No, because it's like it's probably an internet meme right yeah but ours is better it wasn't me it was you and urus that came up with it before me i just started uh covering it at karaoke you saying that with our lyrics no i'm kidding i'm riffing the lyrics no I'm riffing man Drop trow I'll suck you off Drop trow

I'll suck off anyone Drop trow Pretty fun Let me suck On your dong Yeah it was a slam dunk Yeah trapped out of nowhere Trump people

I guess it makes sense So much of those bands Are They don't have anything Any real fucking ethos Trump people? I guess it makes sense. So much of those bands are... They don't have anything. Any real fucking ethos. Pathos that they're subscribing to. They're just trying to

get on the radio and get their fucking dick sucked. Yeah, I want to write the new Happy Birthday song. There's a regular Happy Birthday. There's the Black Happy Birthday. Happy Birthday. Stevie Wonder did that. Yeah. There's Feliz happy birthday. There's the black happy birthday. Happy birthday. Stevie Wonder did that. Yep. Yeah.

There's Feliz Compleanos. Ah, too. That one. Compleanos Feliz. And all the cool corporate ones. Felicidades Sati. We need a Chinese one. Where you ring a gong.

I'll bet they have one. They probably do. You just don't know about it. Well, if I don't know about it, it doesn't exist. I'm like the judge from Blood Meridian. That seems true. You just don't know about it. Well, if I don't know about it, it doesn't exist. I'm like the judge from Blood Meridian. That seems true. If it exists outside my knowledge, it exists outside my approval. I'm reading All the Pretty Horses, and he talks about, yeah, fucking awesome.

One of my favorite books to go back to. But the lady, when she's yelling at the young man about fucking her niece or whatever, she talks about, like uh the coin maker who like everyone thinks you can flip a coin and it's like heads or tails but it's like the coin maker actually put it in blank so it's like why are you assigning worth to heads or tails cormac loves a flipped coin yeah that's no country for a little bit also in sutri there's like a very defining coin flip damn yeah it's like come on man yeah stop. Damn. Yeah, it's like, come on, man. Yeah, stop leaning on the shit

that's in your pockets, bro. Yeah, nice, yeah. What's next? This toothpick. It's not just any toothpick. This belly button lint means something. Yeah, you know,

I don't like books that I can't relate to. Like, if there's not a book where a guy pisses on his own thigh, I put it away. Who is this guy trying to be?

Yeah, come on. Put it on airs. Some kind of perfect pisser? The first night that Megan and I... The first time I spent the night at Megan's, I pissed the bed. Yep. And it was one of the only times that I had the classic, the traditional pissing of the bed, which would be like,

you go to sleep, and in the morning, you've pissed. You lie in it. We both were just swimming in it. Yeah. Oh, my God. You try and be like, damn, you must really like that dick last night.

Yeah, wow. Look at the mess you made. I had a wet dream, because you're so smoking. No, we were drunk, and I was just like, oh, okay, I should probably leave, and she was like, no, it's fine, and I was just like, oh, okay, I should probably leave.

And she was like, no, it's fine. And I was like, cool. I'm in. Let's get married. Didn't you guys get married, like, that day? You guys had some kind of, you know, intense marriage ceremony. I remember you telling us. And also, when you pitched in that bed, you came and you told the boys,

and it was like high fives all around. Like, there wasn't any shame in it. You were like, you guys want to hear something cool no i was very ashamed and then she did not make a big deal out of it because she understood that that's that can happen if you drink too much that's right you guys were incredibly drunk the fact that you guys aren't drunk anymore is crazy yeah we we partied together and then we got sober together and now we're both christian together protesting outside of plan parent yeah we're going to hell we had a guy fuck there was this dude so i was a part of uh that web series that sharpie did with dave ross where they were adopted i was in that and we filmed in boulder city nevada and after we were done we went to a

bar there and these these, like, guys, random guys were outside near us, and we started talking to them, and this one fucking guy almost immediately starts talking about abortion, you know, oh, yeah, very much, my wife and I, very much anti-abortion, we protest, blah, blah, blah, and I'm just like, oh, this fucking asshole, you know, a stranger. And he almost immediately said whatever they say about how there's been like ten times as many abortions as Holocaust deaths and how they're comparable somehow. And so I tried to get in there a couple times very... Tactfully? Yeah.

I didn't just be like, you're a fucking asshole. Get out of here. I wanted to see what he had to say for whatever reason i was just kind of fascinated by a stranger being so so brash and bringing up a very divisive topic as if yeah of course we all hate abortion like we all are very much on the same page where it's murder and the the woman is going to hell and he just so he was casual and i'm glad i kept list uh talking to him because everybody else kind of like started ignoring him you know dave ross was like oh okay dude like whatever like went inside yeah

and uh i kept talking to him and eventually it paid off because he finally let slip that his wife had an abortion when they were like split up they separated she banged some other dude and got pregnant got an abortion no it's not fair you get an abortion and then you tell everybody else that they shouldn't

well it was the deathbed repentance but the baby was the one that died so he still benefited if I was in that situation and they bring up Holocaust numbers, like more abortions than Holocaust victims, I'd be like, well, no one really knows

how many people died in the Holocaust. Which dad are you running with? Some fuzzy numbers involved. He had 6 million, 35, who knows? It's like WrestleMania III. There weren't 93,000 people in the Pontiac Silverdome. But it sounds good.

You probably could have got him to admit that he was a Holocaust denier. That would have been good. That would have been rad. That's what I'm saying. I wanted to give him some rope and see what he did with it. And sure enough, he pulled a baby out of a woman's uterus. But it was just perfect. And he also made it sound like part of the reason

they had the abortion was because the dude was a mexican guy and it was like oh so you're a racist fucking piece of shit it's cool if they're mexican all right i got into it with a uh was it prop 15 prop 115 the one the abortion yeah the 22 weeks yeah uh some lady came i was up to the door and she was hanging the thing and I was reading on the couch

so I saw her walk by and I was like what's this is this a package is this more fertilizer I ordered finally the election's

coming up soon step two yeah Gordy go sign for this put my glasses on so she was I went and opened the door,

and she was hanging the thing, and she was like, hey, I just wanted to, hopefully you're voting yes on 115. And I was like, what? Is that the abortion one? Is it the one I know about because my wife won't shut up?

Yeah, because your wife's all about killing kids. Yeah, exactly. That's why she went to four years of school and we're half a million dollars in debt so she can papaya some people. Less babies.

She used to practice on a papaya. She'd get a turkey baster and jam it in a papaya. I mean, it wasn't a turkey baster but it was, the device they have

is very similar to a turkey baster. And I'd be like, hey, they come home from med school with a couple papayas and I'd be like,

cool, you know, alright, yeah, it's fun. Exactly, because I got all the scraps. So I wish this is how it worked in the Planned Parenthood. I'd live forever. Now you're getting, yeah, now you're getting the baby foreskin. Yeah, some stem cell. So I was like, the abortion one? No,

I'm voting no. Like, I was all confused. And she was like, really? And really and i was like yeah incest and rape you're gonna let people get raped by their dad then they have to have a baby what's the matter with you and she was like well that's pretty extreme and i was like you're extreme lady i was fired up because it's literally my wife and sister have been not shutting up about it and i'm like get out of here and i took the thing i threw it on the ground yeah and she left without picking it up and i was like pick pick that up! That's yours!

That's your trash! Come pick this up! You're littering! I'll call the cops! I will call the cops! You're trespassing! She was very confused. She was like a 65-year-old woman who just got tiraded by a man who just pissed on his own leg. His reek of urine. I was screaming at her. I know better!

Your dick's still peeking out of the bottom of your shorts. Like it was at 7-Eleven that fateful day. I'm glad you gave it to her. Oh, I love it. Fuck her. There's so much...

Most babies should be aborted. That's where I'm at. Oh, yeah. Less is more. Yeah. Less babies equals more space for me to practice my kickflips. Yeah, exactly.

How much is it to tumble if there's a bunch of babies in the way yeah man obviously we are two of the last people that have much authority or education on it but we like you said we listen to the women in our lives and we know that it's insane

to go back and it's a very small number of people that are so fired up their They're single issue. They're like the last single issue voters left. It's like, I don't care how much of a monster a person is. If they say they're going to get rid of abortion, I will vote for them. Okay, you're an insane. You should not be able to vote. You have no bigger picture, you know, community mentality. And a lot of those same people, if they're not the single issue, or even if they are, a lot of them are just so hypocritical. They don't want to be told

what to do, but they want to tell other people what to do. Like the dude with his fucking wife, his whore of a wife. Yeah, that slut who banged all those Mexican guys. He got gangbanged by the whole fucking squad. And, yeah, had a baby. I really should have, that's when I should have gone for the dude's throat and been like, oh yeah, well, had a baby. I should've, I really should've,

that's when I should've gone for the dude's throat and been like, oh yeah, well, so because you're going to hell you're trying to save people or did you feel guilty

because you took advantage of a freedom that you now want to take away from other? You should've hit him with a stone cold stunner. I should've hit him with a bottle.

Yeah. Made sure that he didn't have any fucking kids. You know, and it's cool because a lot of people are like oh listening to women you should listen to women and it's like yeah listen to women because usually you'll get a cool cookie recipe out of it you know

or they'll tell you about like they'll braid your hair yeah a new blouse that they saw at Nordstrom's they say some cool stuff but they're not just blah blah blah, my right. We get it. It's very annoying

that we're still... I mean, it's the same people that are keeping us in... I already mentioned this on a different episode, how we could have fucking jetpacks and, you know,

technology from the movie The Fly. Self-cleaning diapers. We could be teleporting. Yeah. If it weren't for these fucking boneheads keeping us in the Stone Age. Oh, a simpler time is what we need.

It's like, what are you talking about? We could be fucking on hoverboards right now. Yeah. Having abortions on a hoverboard. Take a pill. We could also all live forever if W wouldn't have shut down stem cell stuff, which was also just an appeal to fundamentalist Christians.

Like, oh yeah, no, don't worry. We're not going to advance science, okay? We're going to kill Middle Eastern people with regular old guns. We're not going to develop some plasma laser. You know? It's like, that would have been a lot cooler. I'm tired of fundamentalist Christians. I want to get with Sharia law. That's the one I'm for. No. Yeah, it's like, that would have been a lot cooler. I'm tired of fundamentalist Christians. I want to get with Sharia law.

That's the one I'm for. No. Yeah, it's like, hey, give me some space, ladies. Give me about eight feet. Stop talking so much. I told him that reminds me of a time in Breckenridge with Greg Baumhauer. We did a show, and he kept walking way ahead of me. Like, I walk fast, but he kept walking just longer legs or

whatever he walks really fast he was on it and he kept making me so i told him i feel like your japanese wife you know like you're a fucking gi and i'm very subservient yeah and afraid of you and i have to walk 10 paces to your six it was not a a great feeling. Well, it was. Made me feel bad because Megan's got little stubbers. She does. And I walk.

Her ankles are made of glass. I walk a lot faster. Sorry, shattering her fucking joints left and right. She broke her leg once. Your wife, meanwhile. Every time she tries to write something with chalk,

her wrist snaps. She did break her wrist twice. One of them. I told her three times. So, no, but she broke her wrist once. One of them. I told her three times. So, no, but she broke her wrist once falling off a ladder because she was high on mushrooms. The other one was skateboarding. I'm pretty much married to

Bart Simpson. She was going to get on the roof so that she could use her slingshot better. Yeah, she had to go hassle Milhouse's dad. Yeah, and then she tore her leg. She tore her ACL playing indoor soccer. Are we talking about the time that I played indoor soccer? I forgot about that.

Yes. I played indoor soccer twice because their goalie got sepsis or something. Their goalie was like a 75-year-old woman. Toxic shock syndrome. Yeah, something. I left my tampon in too long. She had a tampon in for 20 years? Yeah.

Whoops. Uh-oh. Beats is done. Yeah, it was just an ear of corn. It came out popped. It was just a trail. Birds were following her. But yeah, I had to play goalie, and I didn't know what the fuck I'm doing.

But I got to wear gloves. I got to go with those Mickey Mouse gloves, which is pretty sick. Yeah, the big fix. I won one game because whenever a person would approach, I would just run out to them and hurl my body at their legs. And that was a very effective strategy. Tuck and roll? For sure. They would get within stomping distance and I'd be like,

you know, and fucking and I just hurled my body. Sniff out the ball like a truffle pig? Because in indoor soccer, they don't like the ring that the goalie's allowed to be outside of and use his hands is much larger. So yeah, I was just terrorizing fucking strippers in Vegas with my body. And the second one, we played against the best team in the league and we lost like 12-2.

You just got lit up. I got destroyed. Because they kept passing when you come out at them. They'd just give the ball to somebody else. They watched a lot of game film. They had scouts at the game the somebody else. They watched a lot of game films. They had scouts at the game the week before. And everyone was, like, stoked.

They were like, way to go, Sam, you did it. And then the next game, they were like, I hope Sheila's back soon. She was outperforming you? Yeah. She had the skills. She knew what she was doing. Wow.

And also, you know, she's one of the first women to ever vote, so she was kind of a hero. She had the third abortion in the world. First legal one. First self-abortion. Yeah, that is all very maddening to think that there's people that... Are better at indoor soccer than me? I know, that fucking pisses me off. It's like, we're one of the best at everything I've never tried before. That is you, for sure. It's like, why aren't I the best at everything? I've never tried before.

That is you, for sure. It is for sure me. All right? That was you with puzzles, I feel. Yeah, I was jealous. That's why I was so anti-puzzle. Pop quiz, puzzles. Because I keep eating all the pieces.

I'm very good at... You know what I'm really good at is Jeopardy. Are you? I want to get famous enough that I can be on Celebrity Jeopardy. Celebrity Jeopardy. Because I would crush all these fucking TikTok stars. Yeah. I agree.

Child models. I felt the same way. I had a, my seventh grade reading teacher, junior varsity quiz coach, saw that I was pretty good and liked the idea of me trying to do like Teen Jeopardy or whatever, but we never did it. She was huge. Oh, really? She was, yeah. What's that have to do with anything? Oh, I just wanted to say it.

She was huge. I didn't know if you meant physically, or she was huge in the quiz bowl circuit, but no, she was just a fucking tank of a woman. She was a big old lady. She was one of my favorite people. She died when I was in college. I went to her funeral and it was sad because she was huge to live. She was young. Uh, I think she had lost some weight, but I think, yeah, I mean she had heart problems. I can't remember how she died, but she was

great. Loved her. She saved my ass when I moved. Cause I moved from, uh, Evergreen Park, Illinois outside of chicago moved to henderson nevada so i was a new kid i got bullied i got peed on by lamar stucky i also got punched in the mouth a couple times by chad burdough who was this white kid who dressed like uh like a mexican gangster like a cholo kind of looking so this guy punched you in the face yes what an unscrupulous young man. I moved,

and my transcripts didn't come over right away, so I was not able to be put into the advanced track, the advanced classes or whatever.

So this fucking track and trailer of a woman was like, I know what's gonna make you cool. No, she saved me. Quiz bowl and volleyball. No, she saved me.

You're gonna be the heartthrob. I think she was able to get me into her advanced class before my transcripts showed up. But until then, yeah, for like two weeks, I had to be in regular dumbass math class. And that fucker Chad Bordeaux. I would try to be smart. Not even show off. I realize I'm the new kid, but I'm trying to, like, interact with the teacher or whatever.

And, yeah, he got angry at me for knowing algebra in 8th grade or whatever. Or 7th grade. So, yeah, he would pop me in the mouth. Damn. And I have had, I never ran into him. After high school, you know, I'd always think, man, if I ran into that kid, I could

beat the shit out of him and it'd be great. Like, revenge fantasies? Oh, yeah grade yes dude wow constantly i was never bullied not as much lamar because i don't know for whatever reason he wasn't constantly a dick to me peed on me and it was like hey it's piss under the bridge pal but chad burdough i wanted to beat his ass but he him and lamar were both both post-puberty or whatever. They were taller, bigger. And you were a little pubeless apprentice. I was a little tiny little Ewok fucker.

With big pouty lips. Big ol' lips. Who sent us that photo? Whoa. My friend Katie. Katie sent us a photo. Katie Ryan, right? Yeah, Landon and Katie have been together for a long time.

They went to high school with me. All right, no one cares. You look like the alternate persona of a fish-based Batman villain. Come on. For went to high school with me. All right, no one cares. You look like the alternate persona of a fish-based Batman villain. Come on. For sure, yeah. Shut up. Yeah, you look like Dry Dock.

It's just black and white. You can't even tell. I'm just looking at my whole face. Fish-based Batman villain. Dude, you looked... It looked like you had work done. No, it didn't no it looked like you were doing the classic like mick jagger like folds your lips out and put your tongue out we were trying to look tough becker's proving it we were like no smiles yeah i did kind of a fish i did kind of a pursed but

i'm trying to look look angry also no facial hair i think maybe makes my lips i've seen you bigger i've seen you without facial hair. What do you think happened? I got my lips reduced? You fucking idiot. I think you had a lip reduction. I think you were ducked up in, like, years before it was a thing. No wonder you got punched in the face.

Why would you want to punch that little kid in the face? That's high school when I was cool. I think I had been laid in that picture. Yeah, oh my god. I think I... By Lamar Stuckey. He wasn't pissed this time. I got Stuckey to my mouth.

I would love to get head from you in that photo. Same lips. No, your lips have gone down. Your wife is a doctor. Why don't you ask her how lips work? I know how lips work. You don't. You've got to lick the top of them.

Giving head. Yeah, but we'll post this photo for everyone to see. It's quite alarming. It's not at all. I look ridiculous. I have very bushy eyebrows in the picture. Yeah, your lips are bigger than your eyebrows. It looks like I have four eyebrows.

It looks like you had experimental lip-widening surgery. I look like Eugene Levy. No, you look like Eugene Merman. You look like Merman, king of the sea. There's like gills underneath that fucking volleyball tee. I could have become king of the sea out in Morrow Bay. You could have. If you recall. The sea lions. We ever had so much fun?

That was one of the best nights ever. We were high as hell. Mushrooms and acid. Hell yeah, dude. Drinking. McDonald's. Sexual frustration in the other room. Yeah, a week and a half of not blowing any loads because there's five of us constantly looking at each other.

The one that I was involved with happened to be there at the time. I don't think that timeline is correct. I don't think that you and she were hooking up. I thought you only had water-based powers. I didn't know you could control time and space. No, I think I remember

that you're mistaken about that. You remember which pork I was pieing? Anyway, maybe there was some frustration in the room. I know we debated this fact last time we talked about it. Anyway, we're in Morro Bay. Yeah. High as fuck. Northern California.

Cramming McDonald's. It was a ghost town, which was good. It was foggy, and there weren't a ton of people around, so we were able to be weird without a bunch of tourists calling the cops or whatever. And there's nuclear reactors a mile down the beach. Is that right? Yeah, that's why no one ever went in the water. Oh, nobody goes?

Yeah, which I didn't know about until later. You better not have a kid. It's going to come out weird. Uh-oh. Yeah, one of those sea lions got it that night. But I fucked a sea lion. But no, so you... It was like the sun was coming up,

and remember the docks moved with the water level? Yes. We were out, like we walked down a pier, and then we're on a little dock or whatever, and that was on the water. There was that boat where Christopher Walken killed that girl, parked right there.

Yeah. Yep. Natalie Wood. Natalie Holloway. killed that girl parked right there yeah yep natalie wood natalie holloway uh yeah that uh yeah all of a sudden after like an hour and a half or whatever being out there we looked and saw how we were like a lot lower or no the tide came in so we were higher up but then luckily you used your mental powers and the water rose. You blew a kiss to Poseidon. And the tide came in.

The sea lions were barking out in the distance, and then all of a sudden one of them came up and said hello, was checking on us. Oh, yeah. And I very much vibed with the sea lion. It was crazy, dude. He wants me to come lead them. And we were fucking tripping really hard,

but we didn't even laugh when he said that. Yeah. That's what he wants. Go. Go. go leave us take your jeans off so you don't drown you wanted to see my hog yeah i wanted to see your lsd and mushroom hog we were uh your little buried acorn man that was is it time to talk or time to listen that was we also had the party room because our uh some of our friends met up with us and listen that was we also had the party room because our uh some of our friends met up with us and got their own room that was the party room and then our room was like the quiet dark uh chill room it didn't make any sense if you needed it because we were playing so much grab ass but we would sometimes we did go over into that chill room and have like a reset yeah there were chicks in the other room.

So you'd have a moment of clarity and be like, let's get some boozy, boys. And then go over there and be like, oh, life births from there. It didn't work out. Remember when he got in his sleeping bag and turned into a caterpillar in the chill room? Yeah, well, his sleeping bag was cool because two other people could fit in there with him. Cam Omel was there. We were playing his body like a xylophone. He took his shirt off at one

point and i had like a spoon and i was rubbing it up and down his rib cage we're all making noises that was fun man it was now i'm terrified to not only eat lsd and mushrooms but also mcdonald's i guess this is growing up you can't have yeah you can't have all three you can only have one at a time of those and the McDonald's adds up worse than the other two that's for sure I'll still dabble I had some mushrooms last weekend

with Sophie's birthday yeah I posted that there's an app where you can make your face into a baby face snapchat filter so it's on Instagram too. It's the baby filter. It's really funny. It's really funny. I didn't know about it.

And apparently I'm the best at being a baby. Mel was also very funny. Mel was good. And also in that video, Sophie's screaming at him because she can't find her lighter or her cigarettes. And she's like dragging him around and Mel's like, no way, G. Come on, brother. I ain't got it, cuh. Yeah, exactly.

But they kept making me, they kept feeding me ice cream cake and making me be a baby. Like, they make me, like, eat the ice cream cake. And then in this video, which is the best, you can at one point hear Pickles in the background, who's peeking really hard, scream, no! No! Like, she just miscarried or something. No! No! My baby's she just miscarried or something. No!

My baby's going off to war. Oh, baby with sideburns, man. It doesn't get better. But yeah, Morro Bay was fun. And the next night, Bobby broke his rib drinking at Sylvan House. That's true. He rolled down those stairs. Yeah, Bobby woke up with pissed pants, his his shirt was missing and his ribs were broken and i'm not sure how any of those happened to him i

don't think he pissed his own pants that's how fucked up we were getting i think i peed on the front of his pants as a joke the charpentier happened to uh block my ween from being on the teen scene temporarily right you still got. That's not the point. It happened. I mean, I don't remember what all was going on at that time. It happened. He was like giggling. He was going to go to sleep on the floor,

and then you told him to bail, and he did. No, he laid on the ground in the same room. He didn't bail. He didn't bail. Oh, he didn't leave. And I did my patented move of ripping a woman's bra in half, which was like a move that I did for a while. I'm sure everybody hated that.

Hated it, it turned out. I thought it was cool. I thought it was like a move that I did for a while. I'm sure everybody hated that. Hated it, it turned out. I thought it was cool. I thought it was like a primal, masculine move. And then, like, women have talked about it together, and they're like, oh, yeah, I fucking hated it. That was like the one bra I own, you know? I'm a bohemian. I can't afford bras.

I didn't know bras were $800 at the time. Well, if you find one that fits well, they want to wear it to death until it falls off. I was trying to wear this person to death. Until it turns to dust. I was trying to hockey mask this person. It's like putting on a new boot. But Sharpie came in and he's like, I'm the baby, gotta love me.

That's you. You're the baby from dinosaurs. Yes, you are. No, I am not. Yes, you are. I'm the baby. Yeah, because he knows exactly what I'm talking about. You're the baby, and we gotta love you.

You're Dennis the Menace. I am not. Man, I'm trying to be more responsible. I'm Mr. Wilson just trying to tend to my garden. So was Dennis. Dennis was trying to... He was trying to figure himself out. Yeah.

Mr. Wilson was winking at him while he ate ice cream. Dennis, my wife's out of town. Easy, mister. Why don't you come over here and clean underneath my oven on all fours? Let me eat fruit off your back, Dennis. I'm pretty sure Mr. Wilson was one of the Nazi scientists that we rescued. Mr. Wilson was an Operation Paperclip. And then he's relocated him to anywhere USA and then Dennis the Menace was next

door terrorizing people and he's like I remember when I would terrorize I remember being a youth doing experiments just tie two people to each other by their pinky fingers and see what happens I ripped Emily's bra and her pants one time very early in our wooing yeah my move was to piss a girl's bed to each other by their pinky fingers and see what happens. I ripped Emily's bra and her pants one time.

Very early in our wooing. Yeah, my move was to piss a girl's bed. They hated that, too. Well, no, apparently they didn't. They loved it. Also, you used to do a move, right, where you would... You wouldn't piss in the bed. You would get up, turn around, and pee in the bed like it was a giant trough. I did that once.

I would be mobile. I would get up out of bed and then go somewhere instead of the bathroom. It was like if I did 10 steps, it was because my brain thought I was going to the bathroom and standing over the toilet, and then I would pee wherever that was. And it was sometimes in my room, sometimes it was around the corner from my room or

whatever you ruined a couple xboxes so stupid you pissed all over your dvds got a pretty decent bit out of it i peed yeah i pee i did pee on my dvds once and that didn't make sense because it was like right just right next to my bed but they were on a shelf. It looks like a urinal. No, no, they were on the floor. Oh, a pile. No Ikea for this guy. I was more of a put him on the ground, let God sort him out. I worked at a video store,

mom and pop video store in high school, so, you know, I wasn't going to forget what I had in stock. And so, God, yeah. One time I did. Get out of bed. Luckily,

there wasn't anybody in there, in the bed with me, getting peed on. But I got out of bed, turned around, peed in it, and woke up. That was my move, too, was to wake up mid-piss. Come out of a blackout mid-piss and just be like, Oh, fuck!

God damn it. Fuck. You come out of blackouts a lot and you're doing shameful stuff. Like when the cops were hosing you off or you're peeing in your own bed. Then I bet you got back in your bed and slept in it, didn't you? You didn't right your wrongs in that moment.

No. I think I might have stripped the sheets real quick and then slept on half of a piss. Yeah, right, dude. On the memories of a whiz. But, yeah. God, it's a wonder. I should have quit drinking

fucking ten years before I did, but some fun. No, we had a lot of fun. A lot of giggling. Mostly I was fun. Sometimes I sucked. You always ruled. But mostly I was...

Ask Corey Rhodes. One time we were leaving El Chorito and he said I was going to walk into traffic and he saved me and then I gave him a big ol' shove as a thank you and I just had to apologize. I'm surprised you and me never got in a fist fight and we were both wasted.

Sorry. Yeah, we joined forces pretty quick. We kind of did the who is this guy? Yeah, there's a feeling up here. I'm saying that when we were the best of friends Oh, get into it? Yeah, because you were always saying inflammatory stuff and I was always trying to be on the right side of history.

Yeah, you were always fucking apologizing for me. Look Tipping the door, man. He doesn't mean it. We didn't have to edit out a thing you said in this episode. He's a scholar. Yeah, we... We didn't even wrestle. I guess we were mostly on the same page.

Me and Bobby used to wrestle all the time. Yeah. And he would just rip the crotch out of my pants. Cool move. And I'd be like, alright dude, I don't have any other pants. Thank you. Well, that's a little fucking tit for tat with you and your bra ripping. Well, he wasn't trying to fuck me raw.

He wasn't trying to give me the best dick they ever got, you know? And when I say that, you know, I would like rip their bra and then be like wasted and like probably, you know, not get hard or come real quick. They're just like laying there. You know. At least the piss was on their thigh this time. Their bra's ruined. I'm on top of... You ever fallen asleep on top of a woman?

No. And they're tapping out? Yeah, they can't get you off of them. And the referee's not there? Jesus. No. Uh... No. I'm trying to think of any mishaps. I've fallen asleep on some very small people. Yeah?

Yes. God, that's awful. It's insane. They're already a saint and a half for letting you sleep indoors for a night. Yeah, for letting me in and out of the barn. Getting me off the hay bale. You break their toilet and their sink. And then their hips.

And the refrigerator door, yeah. And then you fucking sit on their cat and then fall asleep on top of them. Inside of them, too. Inside. Flaccid. The condom starts working its way up their body. Condom? Get real.

Why do you think I'm so big on no on 115? That's right. my trail of smears god damn yeah yeah I've pinned a couple people I had one person bite my ear

because I was so wasted to wake you up yeah they were like get off to snap you out of there yeah they're just jibing me hitting me on both sides

three fingers into your gut come on you can eat the big bowl wake up the guy that's controlling this fucking You're hitting me on both sides? Three fingers into your gut. Come on! You can eat the big bowl. Wake up the guy that's controlling this fucking powder husk. Wake up and eat my bowl. Eat your own jizz.

So we have to plug... Speaking of eating your own jizz... You got a lineup? If you're tired of sampling your own salty mustard, why not take a break from gooning so hard? sampling your own salty mustard. Why not take a break from gooning so hard? Have you heard this? I mean, I have. But it's only when you're trying to finish the deal.

Wait, what? You use it as a courting mechanism? No, so it's like... Hey, check this out. The guy's like, I'm only giving you the $1,000 if you make her come you have to complete the deal no so you you know you finish you surreptitiously empty your rod uh your balls yeah and then they're like oh i was so close and you're like don't worry i got you and you hop down there and you fucking you know oh dog eat the spaghetti you let in the tramp them okay they. It's a real commitment to craft.

Speaking of being committed to craft, if you're tired of eating craft singles before you... Just watch fucking Hold the Phone TV. All right? Look. Just bail on the analogy and get the promo out.

Yeah, look. Listen to this insane lineup, guys. Funtime Boys Game Night Spectacular Just bail on the analogy and get the promo out. Yeah, look, we got... Listen to this insane lineup, guys. Funtime Boys Game Night Spectaculars every Friday on 1030, the night before Halloween. They've got Adam Brody, Bill Oakley, Joyelle Nicole Johnson, Mary Kobayashi, and the man known as Blaine Kapach. Old school. Blaine Kapach who was best known as being the host of every successful comedian ever.

Yeah, he was in San Francisco with Patton and Mark Maron or whoever the hell else. If you've watched any special from a San Francisco comedian, the person who introduces them in the beginning of the special probably Blaine Kepatch. Oh, okay.

I didn't know that. Oh, yeah. So see the face of the man you've never seen before. Blaine Kepatch. Kevin O'Brien used to always say that he was a real, he was the Blaine Kepatch of Denver comedy. I'm sure he'll try and sue me for saying it on this. Kevin, the judicial warrior.

But yeah, Fun Times Boys, Game yeah, fun times, boys. Game night, spectacular. The night before Halloween on Hold the Phone TV. And that's not scold the gnome, you know. Don't yell at your little friend. It's hold the phone. Don't scold your bone. Hold the phone.

Exactly, yeah. Don't forget about Hot Tub on Mondays and Hey Girl with Matt Bronger and Kyle Kinane also on Fridays I believe before you can check out the

the Funtime Boys but enough about this alright I think their money's up anyway Jake we need another 15k who wants to keep

plugging this content who wants to keep wearing shirts that say holdthephone.org yeah they were misprint but you got a good deal on them hey look if you if you have an old Nokia phone

and it vibrates, why not call yourself and hold that phone in your own pussy? Put it inside of you. That's where you should be holding a phone. If maybe you got an old Nokia phone, just put it on ringer and squeeze it like a clamshell around your dick.

Keister it. Oh, yeah, you're talking PlayStation controller technology. Well, also someone suggested that we have a T-shirt of Sweet Tooth holding a PS2 controller, and the quote is, listen up, slap nuts. Ah, damn. So if you guys want that merch, let us know. Hit up Chubby Behemoth on Patreon, man.

We got some fucking great shit. Look, if you think that I'm begging to be canceled on the regular episodes, just wait until Seth Simons gets a hold of these Patreon episodes, all right? One's going to have to change his name back to Gushkishki. No, look, if you're going to come for either of us please come for becker leave me out of the crossfire uh i've been good but yeah get on the fucking patreon dude it's so good we do really good work some of our best episodes are definitely patreon episodes at this point some of my favorite uh episodes are in there so yeah real if you like what we're doing

uh that you've heard, there's a whole treasure trove of additional hilarity right around the little paywall. If you like what you see, turn off the TV and do it. Remember Zoom? Yeah. Did you have Zoom? No. It was a color television show. You probably never saw it.

But you're really old and me and Beck are kids. I'm the baby are you talking about all that? no I'm talking about round the house round house remember? where they would break dance and solve the world issues anyway get on the fucking Patreon

you fucking pigs I'm tired of being nice and don't forget about the Chubb Reddit I finally created an account I'm on there as old sid lund really old sid was taken so is nathan lund was taken yeah so i think i went with old sid lund naked lunch that's a book what it is indeed breaking we're surrounded by books we are dude yeah it's a real metaphor naked lunch is one of the only books I didn't finish.

It sucks. I was over it. Drunky and queer rule. I never finished Confederacy of Dunces because I just was like, I don't care anymore. It's overrated. Yeah. Maybe I'd like it more now that I'm older, but I did not give a fuck about whatever his name was. If you want to read a book about Nola down there, Nola way, where the gators are bigger than the gator.

Gators are bigger than the croc. Gators are bigger than the gator. Read fucking The Movie Goer. It's really good. It's about a flaneur. So, anyway, hold the phone, I guess. But really, the Chubb read it. But really, us.

Yeah, but us. More of us. We're cool. Time to get our shit in. Yeah, man, we gotta fucking get over on these marks. Come, but us. More of us. We're cool. Time to get our shit in. Yeah, man, we gotta fucking get over on these marks. Come play with us. You told the wrestler that he was the shit, which is hilarious. I did.

I was the little fanboy mark. You turd. Well, he's fucking impressive, and I wanted him to know. He knows. Does he? He's a giant, hulking man. He knows that you're impressed. But also, not everybody that's a big ol' angry

looking sumbitch is a good wrestler. I also think that that guy looks like Lamar Sucky. In my head, that guy's the guy who was pissing on you. Which I like. You look more like that dude in blue on Colfax that told us, guess what? Oh. Get the fuck out of my way. Lamar was a real hoss?

No, he was just post-puberty. So when I was 12, when we were both 12, he was like twice as tall as me, but he wasn't like hulking. He wasn't huge. You know, he was just post-puberty, so when I was 12, when we were both 12, he was like twice as tall as me, but he wasn't like hulking, he wasn't huge. You know, you shouldn't have gotten those lip injections if you wanted to make friends.

I was mostly lips. I was just lips, lips spouting nonsense in a Chicago accent. Little fat kid. Yeah. Oi, mate. I'm from Scheinberg, guys.

I can't do an accent when I want to. I'm from Scheinberg, guys. I can't do an accent when I want to. I'm from Chicago. If I'm alone in my room, I can do all the accents. You know, I do all the fun voices. It's a lot of fun. When you're alone and nobody can tell you that they're off. I'm from Chicago. Oh, okay.

Chicago, Illinois. That's where I'm from. I'm a little fat-lipped pig baby named Nortian Learn. Call me Old Sid. Fuck. But yeah, we rule. You guys are the best. Thanks for supporting us, guys.

Thanks for buying me a house. Yeah, you know, the fucking Patreon's blowing up. We're getting rich. Dump them out. Dump what? If you got them, dump them. What? Oh you got em dump em What? Oh god You're fucking Holding your nose

You're Feeling embarrassed by something I said No no I love it dude I want you to dump em for Lund Please send Lund all your nudes He'll show em to me but I don't have the evidence in my phone That's pretty cool Oh okay you were being Machiavellian

Yeah exactly You fucking psycho