Chubby Behemoth - Everyone Here Was Hatched

Episode Date: October 7, 2024

SPONSOR: MyBookie: Use promo code CHUBBY to double your money on your 1st MyBookie deposit. Head to https://www.mybookie.website/CHUBBY   BONUS EPISODES: https://www.Patreon.com/chubbybehemoth   This week the boys are coming to you from Bentonville Arkansas after the Big Diamond Comedy Festival. Ricky Spiderbites stops by, Sam and Becker have Italian legs, and Sam doesn’t believe in screens. Patrick gives Nathan his Clandestine Apostles name. The weed too loud. He said all of them! Nathan got a cool shirt at his Jop Jop show. Do you remember GrooveShark? We’ll never be alone. Planking on the toilet.   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth   Mutiny Coffee: [e-mail]

Are we good do you think? Yeah we're good. And we're in. And we're back. Welcome back to another episode of watching Red Zone while podcasting. Everyone's favorite hit new show. How distracted can four podcasters be? I'm locked in.

I'm over football. It's boring. Football is all I have. It gives me a masculine identity in these troublesome times. Sam's been sending bullets to NFL team owners that say, this is going to be in you unless there aren't 19 games in a couple of seasons. Hey, Jerry Jones, you want to live to be 104? You want to see one more sunset?

You gray bitch. Well, I got an idea. 22 games. I'm going to. 22 games. I'm going to super dome you. We are joined by a Ricky spider bites. Yeah. So former child star, Ricky spider bites. That's the guy I haven't met that guy. Hello, Ricky spider bites.

Introduce you to every guy. We have our own relationship. We have special guys. We do. I get to get caught up on lore. Hi, this is another episode of Becker's weird cross leg posture. Everyone zoom in on that. No, no, no. Go back. Well, if you were, if you weren't blanketed up, you'd see that these two have Italian legs. You guys both got some nice sun. Yeah, that's right. We got fucking Cafe O'Lake.

You're capitalizing on it. I'm Patrick Mahomes from the knee up. We don't believe in sunscreen. I don't believe in any kind of screens. No. Windows. I've never used that thing where you put it on your dash, like the on your, what is it called? Windshield? Yeah, your windshield.

People have that one. It's like right okay sure it's got see someone got duped at Autozone you got the someone 3po r2d2 on someone listen to a woman that is a woman's idea yeah no this, another episode of Sam's Gone Larval where I'm, I'm a pupa. You're not, you're not just a head, you're head and shoulders. Knees and toes. I do believe that was a woman's idea. Yeah, of course it was woman's idea. Do they help?

Like what if the car was cool when we weren't in it? That'd be nice for the car. The dashboard would probably appreciate that. The air's still hot in there though. No, it helps a lot. It doesn't bake in there as much. Oh, so you're a girl. Well, you know what you do? You crack, you crack your windows, crack your windows for the dog that yeah, the dogs in there all weekend.

I have a weird dog. I keep him there. Hey, I'm baking pita pockets in my car and pita pockets is a a French bulldog. Yeah pita pockets. We're gonna eat them. So I told you guys I was not gonna pay attention. Then shut up. Watch your football. Take it away, Alan. Interview Ricky about getting diddled in the set of guts or whatever. That's what I do. That's why they should call that show guts because they were getting them guts. Oh no. That should be a Lund's clandestine apostles name. Dude Lund, guts are going by guts bro. That'll fit on a hat.

You live on the aggro crag. Hey, this is my squad. We got Becker. He's my producer. This is Ricky. I'm getting aggro at the crag. Ladies and gentlemen coming to the stage next. Goes up there. Just eats a big old bowl of chili. Actually that's a chili out of a pumpkin. The Boston's have the dancer. We have the eater turn on the sour cream cannons. Ladies guts is coming to the stage. Aggro guts, Tom Coughlin damn for the win. All right. Is he is he dead there? No, he was there. He died in Lebanon. He's looked like he was over there

fighting for something he believed in his skin looked like it's falling off it's looked like that for like 20 years I can't believe he's still alive speaking of disgusting people the Bentonville comedy festival this weekend now a lot of lovely people well a lot of very nice people. Couple of freaks. Dude, the freaks though. Some of the biggest and widest and tallest. Yeah. And grayest and pinkest. Grayest and pinkest. Yeah.

Wettest. I saw one guy where I had to consciously be like, don't. So yeah, this guy at the Bentonville Brewing. And we're back. Was the biggest the biggest ever. Yes. Hold on. I know about the water talking about.

I just want to clear them up. Old guts there on the ground are ground. I didn't know his. He didn't know the dimensions of his own body. Now he unplugged the recorder. Becker plugged it into my butt and I didn't know it and I moved and it was like, oh, it's right there. Quanto started eating the cord.

He started pulling it in. What was like a puppy. He doesn't know what to chew on and what to avoid. We are not splitting the check with Quanto. So you were talking about that enormous big dude, anthropod type. He didn't have knees. Yeah. Yeah. His calf went to his thigh. This was yesterday? Yeah, it was early in the night yesterday.

Fuck. He was there to see that women's podcast show. Oh my God. Yeah, he was Joey Anormo, right? Yeah, he was the biggest man ever. He was four people wide. Whoa. But he was sitting in like cut off sweatshorts.

Yeah, they were prescribed. And I couldn't stop looking at the fact that like the calf was attached to the butt. Like there was no, there was no crease. There was no fold. In my medical opinion, I would say the man was completely fucked. He really had like a pretty lovely young lady with him who had to have been a caretaker.

Oh, then we are not talking about the same person. She went and got him drinks. No, there was this fucking plop of a man and then he was there with hatchet face. It was nuts. Yeah. Halloween a little bit early. Yeah. It was awful. Well, how about that one guy who was just like pink and didn't have any discernible features milky. He looked like silky. He looked like the

Etch A Sketch man made of sand shake him up and his hair disappears. The sound man. We're not here to name names. Let's just say that there was a man who looked like he was turning into some kind of worm or a worm turning into a man. He was full harkening. It's like bitch why are your eyelids so fucking pink? What are we doing here? Bitch I can see your kidneys. Yeah he's nothing Italian about him his legs are otherwise. He'd come out of the pods in the Matrix. You're smooth, and you're covered in goo.

No, that's the thing is he was so smooth that he should have been wet. But he wasn't wet. He was dry. It's like dude, a man of your skin texture needs to be drippin'. Yeah, he needs slime on him. Go get back in your pod, buddy.

Every time, I'd be having a good time and then I turn around and he'd be right there and he'd be like, BLM got maced in these streets. Yeah. I'd be like, ah, get away. Oh yeah. He said, not only, yeah, was he a little distracting to look at, but to listen to, he'd say just bad things, tragedies. He was like, there was a horrible tornado. It was death. We were trying to riff and he's like the tornado was devastating tornado ruined thousands of lives forever

Did it destroy all the other butterfly people? We're just trying to your wings larval. We had to we had to go underground We were like, oh, that's why you can't see the Sun. Yeah, cuz the air has been poisoned That's why whenever you look up you hiss He could have been a bad guy in the live-action Mario movie. You look for Dennis Hopper. Dennis Hopper Koopa. Yeah. What do you have to do? He's getting grubbed. Take a dump. Oh yeah. Surprise food which is funny. You guy wasn't riffs. We got to get him out of the way. You didn't want to...

He kept killing riffs too. Yeah, he was a momentum killer. He freaked me out. So many decisions have to be made when you're at a festival. Who do you talk to? How do you get in there? And there's a lot of ways to blow it. Because sometimes, man, you just have to stay in your pod, stay with your group.

And then if you try to go up to a different crew, some people just take, they take big swings. And he just got done shooting that scene where he dueled Timothee Chalamet with a dagger. So he was probably tired. Yeah, he had a long day on set. It was demanding production. You're talking about Dune, right? Yeah.

How long till you think Sam realizes the delivery guy's coming the other way? Yeah, we'll see if he's biffing it or not. That door's locked now too. He's going to have to, someone else is going to have to get up unless he comes around. You get up. Oh, you get up for once. Ricky Spiderbite sits. I have the longest to get up unless he comes around. Oh, you get up for Ricky spider bites it. I have the longest to get up.

Oh yeah. Sam and I laughed earlier Becker about the fact that the person who wants to go outside and smoke the most is the furthest away from, from that. We put you up four stories above. So you had to come down a ladder and then slide down a slide and then do the fireman pole for the last two floors in order to huff one but do you night smoke do you go out there a few times I did last night because I was up a little bit cuz you had a dump yeah I had to dump so I came downstairs to dump because I didn't want to be left

stuffed crust you got stuff we got stuff cross no one I had smoke no one I went outside and smoked for a half hour oh hell yeah, cuz you didn't want to go up and come back down. How long was that cigarette? He's got cigarettes taped to one another's I was also trying to like Jumpstart the shitting. I wanted it to be over with finish it before a two-hour Yeah, that's the only way you win is by blowing yourself up and and the toilet. Yeah I've missed my bidet here for man. The sound guy sister just dropped off these pizzas. Jesus Is there a fucking is there a hair embargo in this goddamn city? It's like oh hey you guys can have a bunch of money, but you all have alopecia.

I think there's a, there's, there's an issue. There's a supply chain issue with pigment or fucking porcelain blocks. So now no one has their wigs. There's some, there's, I think it's a cousin dating issue. There's just so much shit in the air. Walmart. It's just albino people on one wheels in this town. I said how this place is very beautiful,

like pretty and clean because of Walmart, while the Walmart is ruining the rest of the country, like a real Dorian Gray situation. And it kept making me laugh where like, this city gets nicer and nicer as it sucks the energy and the lifeblood from the rest of the towns that have Walmart's in them. Dude. Yeah.

That's kind of South Park, but you know. This town is fucking Derry, Maine, dude. It's just, it comes back every seven years and eats everyone's hair. Or what's that? It's the real life, that short story where there's a utopia, but you find out it's only because the whole town has to pick like a new child every year to slap and tie to a chair and torture. What is that? Oh, those who left Tarabitha, those who walked, those who leave onslaught. What is it? The giver? No. The wigger? Come on. What is it? The giver?

No. The wigger? Come on, this is a free one. What? It's a wig joke about the fucking city here, dude. Oh, God. All right, Pearl Buck. You have poisoned your own mind.

You're like the water supply here in Bentonville, and soon your beard's gonna fall out. No, and I have to stay here. No, you stay here and bother people while they're trying to hang out with their friends they see once a year. I have to busk on the street. Yeah, you're the last man with hair.

What is this? Come up five dollars to run your fingers through it. Ten for a lock. You have a bag of hair. Put your hand in. You're just like in a basement chain to a radiator And they're farming your hair for all their kids 16 the birthdays It's just your pubes your back your face and people pay more for the further towards the eyebrows of it

That's what your job should be human hair pig Let's go It my daughter's getting married tomorrow? Alright, we'll go feed guts. Let's share guts. Time to get guts fed. Put some more cream in his water. We don't want it curly, we want it straight. Alright. We're going to have to zap him. That costs extra. We have to zap him. Wait, what's that dude's name's name Chuba I'm a big Chuba guy you love me sure Chuba Chuba on he said with a mouthful of stuffed crust looks raw it is it's not cooked well put it in the oven I would like to describe you as a

big Chuba guy that is accurate Chuba's guts. That poor kid, he just kept wandering up and scaring everyone. He couldn't even hit the freaking here's your riff. So we're not gonna run that one back. You gotta mute Pat for two minutes. Yeah. Pat's in the penalty box. But we did set up parameters for a pretty good bit. And all you had to say was literally anything. And then, you know, there's your beep. And he still fucking fumbled, not even at the one yard line. No. It was like he turned around and took the football

and left the stadium and went to an ice rink and then started scooting around on his ass. That's the game he was playing. And then he got some people wondering up with their gray skin. And their eyelids were for sure. Saying, take me to your dealer. Everybody here is an alien.

I mean, Los Mutantes Están Fuertas. Everybody here hatched You had something back to you Sam I keep I keep forgetting You're forgetting what I want to talk about. Yeah, you haven't finished a sentence all morning. I'm good at the first part. You're bonked. I spazzed out the ice cream truck yesterday when I went up and ordered five malts. They closed the windows and quit taking orders for like 10 minutes because they were so overwhelmed by somebody

getting more than one thing. You order five milkshakes, they shut the window, you hear someone load a gun, and then say, I've loved you. Thank you for starting this with me. Goodbye. And then the music comes on real loud. Pretty much. Yeah. The line was pissed. It was a bunch of kids coming from homecoming. Yeah. But you told them, you're like, look, I'm fucking Jake Becker and you're nothing.

You're a fucking bald worm. All right. So shut up and clean my shoes. Yeah. Make sure the salted one is signified. I really fear salt here. So here's how podcasting typically works. I say something funny and then you guys tag on. Get in there.

Yeah, we smoked weed all morning and I thought drinking a bunch of coffee would even it out, but the weed is winning. The weed too loud. And yeah, we got to turn off football or else. No, I just keep wanting to say that this was a great weekend that instead of being exhausted after night one and then kind of just coasting or like running on fumes

for the next two days, yesterday was the longest day, it was the third day and it was so much fun beginning to end. We had a good time, the wrestling show ruled. You nailed it, I nailed it, everybody kind of nailed it. Except for that one guy. Except for the bald pink-shirted man who screamed out several times and thought, you know there's a bunch of people doing this show but one more couldn't hurt. Guy in the crowd getting his shit in. Yeah. We're gonna come over there and beat you up, boy divine. He looked like fucking divine

without the makeup and the wig it's like i know you've lived your whole life closeted i will out you right now he looked like that british that british uh alopecia guy the actor little british guy yeah oh yeah you know we're talking about he was like him bald yeah another fucking bald menace pink yes he had a pink shirt on which highlighted his pink body It's like motherfucker. Your head is the same color as the inner pussy lips. Why don't you shut the fuck up? All right Were you born if you were just born you have to tell me bleep all of that out too Why one long bleep pink vagina lips YouTube is gonna be mad. Oh, we're way past where it was

Oh, yeah, we get to be naughty now. Also YouTube hates us Yeah, because they ain't us. Yeah, they hate us cuz they ain't us. Oh, yeah, he led to Shave to shave a head right a cowboy shave a head right a cowboy was very good. It was a good line Mm-hmm. It's funny how it happens after most luchilee brain laughs or when people talk about luchilee brain laughs It happened yesterday where people will say that one line was so funny and they'll, and then that's, it's a lot of times it's, they, it's Sam. And then last night I said, shave a head, ride a cowboy, but people came up and be like, man, when Sam said shave a head, ride a cowboy, and I was like, no,

no, listen to who is saying what, damn it. I'm getting screwed. Lund is jealous. Who is saying what? Damn it. I'm getting screwed. London's jealous. Well, it's a team effort. We did a good job. Excellent at that show. It's a good team effort. Everybody did a good job wrestling. I got chopped real hard.

I have a violent bruise on my chest. You got chopped and had to sell it like a gunshot. I got to give Stone Cold Stunners to people. Yeah. And you know why? Because I said let Lunn do it. Yeah that was cool. Yeah because it made more sense. Yeah for you to get yeah a little comeuppance or a little... I wanted a bunch of comeuppance. I wanted a bunch of comeuppance my ass. Why not? Why not? Why not? why not why not the name of my next special why not But it's spelled with a Y And it's KNOT then I have some long bit about like learning a new not and then I fucking take over Edinburgh

My grandfather taught me a knot and I said I will not need this. And he said, worry not, this knot will not fail you. Bravo. He said all of them. He said all of them. American reviewer going to Edinburgh. He said all the fucking ones. Every one of them, he lined them up and he served them up. So that pizza, I think, was actually cooked in someone's mouth. They had it in the car.

You know what, that's the thing about stuffed crust though, dude. Cook it in the car. It's fucking humid, you know? Stuffed crust is like you're eating in the rainforest. What toppings did you get? Oh, you're gonna be surprised. I'm hungry. You can't have any until you grow legs. Yeah, because you proved why you don't eat a slice of pizza on a park. I had to make sure that the pizza was okay so we didn't have to return

it. It's not okay. It's not okay. It's not okay. Return it. It's not okay. No, we're gonna eat that slop. Are you crazy? If they, if we're like, hey, you gotta come back and get this pizza and then you go out there and you're fucking glow in the dark green airbrushed tea. Take it to your dealer. Hey.

Your tongue doesn't work clearly. You made fun of me a bunch for doing a show in Joplin. Yes. Turns out I get a free shirt that's, it doesn't glow in the dark, but it's a black light shirt. Was it at a head shop? It was like a smoke lounge, a dab lounge. We come in and they're like do you want a dab? Oh yeah I forgot. It was the worst show he said. It was bad but we had fun. Me, Rand, Brian, Sullivan and the local host Joe Means had a really good drive up and

back. How bald and dry was he huh the local host Joe yeah He's bald. Okay. Does he look like fucking bat, baby Tall good-looking black dude black three kids. That's huge wife at home Works at T-Mobile works at T-Mobile has had some success with his T-Mobile videos, I believe online personal personality T-Mobile guy no, but uh, oh when we went to go to the smoke lounge You know like they do the members thing. You have to be a member. What do you want a? Banana is that ASL for banana? baby signs A banana? Is that ASL for banana? Baby signs. You have to become a member to go into their

private club where you can smoke weed and be a bad crowd. Brian and Joe and Ran all signed in before me and they were like, I think Joe was Denzel Washington and Brian was fuck somebody. And then ran was Leslie Nielsen or whatever and I signed in Sam Sam talent and everybody had a good laugh at that and I thought okay the only way that will be we'll get away with this for sure is if people come in after us and sign in before the dude you know checking people in whatever looks at the sign-in list, but he grabbed it and it's like, god damn it.

I wondered if he cared. Of course he didn't care. I hope he didn't care. You think that the weed check-in guy is a stern taskmaster? Well, it might be one of those things. You know, I did 20 years in the police force and I said, I know what I want to do now. I want to run the desk at the fucking illegal weed hash store.

Did he have a big knife like the dab lunch guy? No, he was a small black man named Kendrick when I got out of the Marines. I knew Kendrick There's only one thing you can do and that's go sign in fat guys and glow in the dark shirts Listen to me Kendrick. This was from a small white man. He was he was gray. He was an alien This was a picture of him that he put on a shirt Didn't you say that you were doing your patented fat guy shirt bit and he was like don't worry brother I got a fucking cool piece of textile for you. Yeah, the whole point is that fat guy shirts are so loud and stupid They're all hey, look how fat I am and then he says I got yeah, I got something for you

I got this shirt and that was loud in the dark to a client alien shirt Yeah, there's nowhere I can go where this isn't fucking loud. So that sure couldn't play ghosts in the graveyard. There's a bunch of you wear that shirt to laser tag. Everyone on your team is pissed. Oh yeah. He's like the bellows of an old furnace. God's just forced that one out topside. Like an accordion person. God, you know what's fun about the festival is you get to see all these comics.

You're never gonna see, meet some new comics. But then you have the people who are so excited that comedy came to their town that they want to let you know that they're appreciative a hundred to three hundred times. You know, which is great. But God, that's that fucking mother son couple. Did you meet them? Did you meet mother? No, no. Mother boy. No, God. Cooper and Carla. Yeah, they're they were fucked. They were so dizzy. I'm surprised they didn't whirl away like dervishes. They were spinning around so much. Cooper and the Grey Lady. What's the Grey Lady? God.

The Grey Lady? Yeah, is it like the oldest newspaper in Britain? Yeah, in London. Is that right? The old Grey Lady delivers the news to you. The London Times? Dickens outed for child pornography. Real life Scrooge. Rolled doll slits the throats of 13 nurses. Drinks blood, makes mud. No, there was, they were they were at the Cam Patterson show and they were like

That's how they greet me And then they just started holding up rocks and cookies and I'm like what the absolute fuck is happening right here Where's Lucas Lucas come down from your fucking sanctuary? Esmeralda's not coming Lucas was about seven to seven fucking sanctuary. Esmeralda's not coming. Lucas was about seven foot tall. Oh yeah. Yeah, and I wanted to enlist him in all of my schemes. Lucas was the one getting all the, holy shit, that's a huge bitch.

Yeah, he was getting all the rats out of the gutters and eating them. He was, yeah, he was 10 feet tall. No, but Cooper and Carla, ah! Rocks and cookies. What's that about? So Cam Patterson had that clip where he says he loves rocks or whatever. So people bring him rocks and they're like, we got to meet Cam.

And I'm like, well, that will not be happening. I'm sorry, because you guys are clearly full of crystal meth in your blood. But you don't drink water, so you're not allowed. Yeah. But then at the end of the night, Cam gets off stage and I'm in the green room with Cam, you know, dapping them up saying young blood stay easy. Yeah. Code switching.

Yeah. No, I say it in my voice. I just, I say the cool stuff that is, uh, of the Afro American cuisine. No, you say it, you say it different. No, I say stuff different. You're just ahead. I'm not like, yo, No, you say it. You say it different. No, I do not. You say stuff different. I say you're just ahead. I'm not. Yo, Cam, you stood on Biz.

I said, Cam, you're 10 toes down. Shoddy. Yes. But so then they come up to the green room and they're like, Cam. And I'm like, oh, I'm sorry. And then no, Cam Patterson's dad wrangled them and brought them up. Oh, good. So, yeah. Cam's dad decided to blow. I can't think of a more fucking annoying thing for fans to bring you than rocks.

Yeah. This is Arkansas courts. Cam's like, I would prefer not to have to have this interaction. I'm trying to get in the zone to perform well. Cam Patterson is just my stage name. My name is actually Phineas T. Groove Shark. I invented the Groove Shark app. Do you remember Groove Shark? The funky fish finder. F cubed. Yeah. Groove shark was what they went with. Yeah. And if you were near the beach, you would just show you the fish that were

rocking the rhythms the best. Get the parliament reel out for this one. This is why you podcast. We're all going to get t-shirts that say, I'd rather be podcasting. I'd rather be podcasting. I'd rather be podcasting. Wear them to court.

Wear them to funerals. You're wearing sunglasses at a funeral, wearing your, I'd rather be podcasting shirt. Your honor, I just wanted to let you know that I'd rather be podcasting. I run a pretty big podcast and I'd rather be doing that. Listening to whatever the fuck your dumb ass is jabbering about. Mr. Talent, would you please take your earbuds out?

Sorry, I'm on Groove Shark right now. There's some fucking fish nearby. I guess there's some sturgeon at the aquarium that be popping it. God. I'm gonna head over there. Just forward the charges or whatever. The salmon here are throwing it back. Yeah.

Mr. Talent, this court has decided that your Groove Sharp app has defrauded millions of people out of tens of millions of dollars. There's no way to prove that fish are quote-unquote with it fish were greatly exaggerated none of these fish are high feet in fishing crunking I fees over like the big hats are over oh yeah Pat why don't you explain the big hat conversation from earlier yes one was saying that he wanted to get a big hat, a big flat bill, you know, those giant hats, those meme hats.

And remember we're recording this in October of 2024. This is not a throwback episode. Not, not, I, I was thinking about it, but I wish I would, I wish they would've stayed around. We should wear those on airplanes. I wish they would have stayed around. We should wear those on airplanes. Well, it's also funny because my whole thing with most hats, derbies or whatever, you wear derbies.

No, there's no derbies in the house. That it's probably Kentucky because this is my derby. It's a real, hey, look at me. I'm balding, obviously, or whatever, divorced or autistic. But so I don't want a hat to be, hey, look at me I'm balding obviously or whatever divorced or autistic but so I don't want a hat to be hey look at me but then those big ones I don't know I guess more people would have needed to rock them and then they would have been normalized it seems like Gen Z is but they went away they got canceled Gen Z is a reappropriating like cringe fashion it seems like fedoras and stuff you know what a derby should come with a single fingerless glove and if uh, reappropriating like fringe fashion. It seems like fedoras and stuff.

You know what? A Derby should come with a single fingerless glove. And if you're going to wear the Derby, you got to wear the glove too. You gotta wear the glove. No, Lund. God's got a fingerless glove. That's like a dice and then big J tribute. So yeah, single fingerless and then big J tribute. Yeah single fingerless

Big J Okerson's happy. Yeah I'm happy for him. Yeah, dude. He seems like a fucking happy guy. We saw him at skankfest. He's always smiling He's stoked. He fucking complimented Becker and said the pods doing well Becker. Yes, Jake Becker So pretty crazy. Oh, wait, did you was the whole thing that you already told the story about him taking credit for a wide world? Yeah, yeah. Damn it. The Skankfest episode is me berating Becker for 50 minutes and then I say, who's we white man? And then I laugh for eight minutes and then I ask if we've done enough time for two minutes. That's the whole episode. That is the episode. How about just thinking about your schedule?

Yeah. Currently, which is three festival weekends in a row. Yeah. Maybe the most intimidating gauntlet since like boot camp for Navy Seals or whatever. This is my Paris Island. You are being turned into a diamond because you're being squeezed by Carlos and Carla. Yeah. And Carlos Madrid. What did you say

when you did the math on my festival weekends and back to back to back? I don't remember. You're completely fucked. You were like recounting. You were like, yeah, so Sam, I mean, I just did high planes and I had a week off and then I did this one But Sam had high planes then skank fest and now this one and then you went oh No, right, right. Yes. I hadn't thought about it. Yeah, and I was telling somebody else like oh, yeah Sam had fucking High planes is pretty crazy skank fest would have been even more insane and demanding and exhausting. Now this one that he's helping run.

And I just went, my God, like I got scared for you. I was like, oh my yeah. I'm just like, fuck, because yeah, how much you're everywhere. All three of those, you're just in high demand, very high demand. Well, at least we get to go to Bridgeport this weekend. Yeah, that's going to be normal, hopefully, unless comedians from seven states in the Northeast will descend to hang. Yeah, well, fill up the green room.

I'm not doing any shows after Bridgeport because I'm going to lock myself in that hotel room with a can of gas and a bunch of matches because that weekend is going to be hell on earth. Please, if you know anyone who even knows the name of the state of Connecticut, send them our way. You know what? People are always like saying, Sam, why aren't you coming to my town? Why not fly into beautiful Bridgeport, Connecticut this week? You've got three days to get a ticket. It'll be between seven and nine hundred dollars one way Fly in leave the kids at your mom's house. She only has a few good years left

We're flying into Hartford. So maybe see if you can get something under $1,200 We don't know how we're getting from Hartford to Bridgeport and the club is not really offering much help. I think we're white water rafting I'm gonna ride guts down. We're in a raft. No, no. You're the raft. With six other people. With six tourists. I'm gonna get a boat or and you're gonna go on your back and I'm gonna sit on your chest. I'm gonna shrink down and hide in your belly button. Tie a six pack of La Croix to you. Yeah. Float down the river. Get nice and cold in the water.

And I'm going to have that groove shark, so we'll never be alone. We're just going to have a fucking, we're going to have the back to school of fish following us from behind. Back to school of fish. That's good. No, it's not.

It's pretty good. School of fish. For just ahead. Yeah. Well, look at that big touchdown. What the fuck was I going to say to you guys before I ate a slice of pizza and my brain got stupid? You ate sludge. I ate some sludge.

What about being pulled in a million different directions? No, no, no. It's just funny. You said earlier, because there's these people who come to festivals and like, they are so excited to be around comedians and it's awesome. And I really appreciate them. But then there's like, they just try and like have a conversation with you. And you're like, oh, yeah, you know, and you do.

And then they just kind of like watch from your four o'clock for the rest of the weekend. They hover. Yeah, they hover. Gravitate. Right. They're kind of like a like a lamprey eel stuck on me and I'm a big old fish. Yeah, you're a whale shark. Yeah, yeah. Groove whale. Groove whale. You're a groove whale. That's uh, yeah that's when that, you ever see the Pinocchio starring Michael Jackson? No.

Yeah, where they, the whale swallows the whole Jackson 5 and it's the grooviest whale in town. Yeah, it kind of takes over the juke joint circuit in the ocean. It goes from Iceland to Greenland to the Faroe Islands, just grooving, just bopping. Shit, I wanted to hammer Derrick Henry on. Yeah, you did. You've been shut up. Are you on mushrooms again? You just slurred. Yeah. Why are you so on here? I'm sorry. I'm for the ad read. Oh, wait, they cancel.

Yeah, Pat wakes up to slur. This is I come from nothing and this is all I have. So if you would shut up a little bit saying you're going to hammer Derek Henry. It's funny. I was, you know, what I did to make It's funny. You know what I said here to make a little money. You know what? You don't care. No. Super producer Becker doesn't care that we have slurs on our side. You have to. You failed a cognitive test and I don't think you've studied since. All you have is this and secret

lupus. Just like that, Jaden rushing and I hit my sleeper parlay. Hammer down sleeper parlay. Yeah. It's good to hit my, my bookie parlay. Everybody's been beeped so far, except for me. Yep. This football season, Sam, you look like a baby, but stop being a baby and play some bets on the game already. Get out of your blankie. What? And hide your numb numb or whatever.

I'm exhausted. This is the only way that I feel comfort now. This festival comedy festival season. If someone could come over here and feed me out of a boob, that would be huge. If any of you guys can come breastfeed me real quick. How about all the my hand? How about all the microphones electrocuting your lips this weekend? I didn't get zapped. Oh well you don't get close enough. Your wits are that you have the wettest lips to

look. I can kiss this one well and I'm talking about these mics. I'm talking about the mics at the big diamond comedy festival. Arkansas is my grounded. Mine didn't work enough for there to be an electrical connection that could zap me, so I guess I lucked out. You put enough coal in the PA. I shouldn't complain. I should stop being a baby and play some bets on the game already. With my bookie, it couldn't be easier. Literally. With promos... You don't need to know how to read or I can't even I can't even talk I blew my voice out, but I'm still want to tell people about promos like weekly risk-free boosts

What? Spotted trip me up. God damn You got to check out weekly risk-free boosts, even if you've never bet on anything in your life you coward You can definitely handle this you spine probably table everybody's white your knee and left why is everybody a little baby you're a half a man when it's so easy to do shit like bet on sports I mean sports betting is all we really have in this modern age we're not allowed to you know run our families in the way that our fathers did yeah elsewhere yeah we're not allowed to, uh, you know, run our families in the way that our fathers did elsewhere.

Yeah. We're not allowed to go into the fucking walk-in freezer and scream a slur into a loaf of bread. So what do we have to do? We have to bet on sports and the best way to do that is my book. Oh, my book. Oh. Dot GORP. Make sure you put in promo code guts. Make sure you get involved in their sludge town slam down promo. If you sign up right now, you will get two free months of groove.

Sure. That's right. That that's what really, really drives the point home. You're leaving money on the table. If you don't sign up for my bookie, they've got risk-free boosts, man. If your bet hits you win big. And if it doesn't, who gives a shit? My bookie will give you a full refund.

So you can't. Yeah. It's literally legally impossible to lose with my bookie? It's win-win. It's basically, yeah. That's kind of a summation. You're saying that this is a legally binding statement. Shut up.

I'll tell you what though, it is great. It's so nice to put money on the line, add a little excitement. Watching Red Zone gives me a panic attack, but if I know that I have the chance to win big, I can watch 12 games at the same time. Doesn't matter if you're gray, pink, dry or wet. It's definitely not completely overwhelming to watch 15 games at the same time, but if I have $5 on each of them, I know I'm gonna be okay. Lund, does my bookie work in Arkansas?

I'm sure it does. You don't even need to download an app. Also, even if you're not a huge football fan like Pat, where you like theater more? Yeah, earlier like Becker where you want to bet on which car is faster. Becker likes smoking more than football, which is insane. The demon barber of Fleet Street. You can still get in on the fun. My bookie has tons of games you can play like blackjack and European roulette. You can also play snake and frog or better. You can bet on if it's a snake or a frog. You can play which hand is the treat in. When you're ready to get started, shut up. When you're ready to get started, shut up. When you're ready to get started, just click the link in the show notes, sign up and you're

ready to bet. Use promo code chubby to claim a bonus that doubles your money on your very first deposit. Doubles your money. You heard that right? Double your money with code chubby before you even place a bet. My bookie plus is the lock of the century but on anything anywhere anytime and make your season a winning season. I think the lock of the century actually if you ask me was the Panama Canal. Very good. That was a great lock. What about Andrew? He's back up for a winning Denver

Broncos organization. That's right. So is that the only ad we have? Yeah, there's just the one. No, we have the loony bin to God. Oh yeah. Hey, are you a woman who doesn't want to feel safe? Well, there's a comedy club chain just for you. No, no, no. Pat, you're going to be working there in a couple of years. I'll be Wednesdays and Sundays hosting. Yeah. Cause he lives in the region. Uh huh. Uh, alone, uh, a loony bin closed down in a garden and it ruined a city and it ruined a city, uh, and a pizza hut buffet went in.

We got to eat this bad pizza, huh? huh? Someone's gotta put it in the oven. That should have happened so long ago. Maybe by somebody who doesn't really talk much on the pod. Yeah But you know produce lunch for us. I can do that Where are we at? We you've got like 15 minutes left. 15? That's nothing. I'd rather be podcasting I remember when my daughter was born. You got black olives on one of those things? Yeah, it sucks. What? Black olives are a bad choice. You don't like black olives? Nobody gets them. Why? Oh, what if, is the pizza... Becker, you're not on the mic. It's for gray people who don't know what to get on a pizza.

No, no, no. What's that one? Are the best topping. And I got black olives and onions on that. That's it. Nope. Pineapple too. No black olives, onion, pineapple.

That's really bad. What's on the other one? Huh? What's on the other one? Legos. Just heads of worker guys. Yep. Broken glass.

Construction guys. It's different hair attachments for Harley Quinn. It's on solos gun dude. So tonight when we get back, we can either go to Lahunta and Greeley or we can go see Joker too as a squad. People don't like it. I don't give a shit what people like. You know what people don't like?

Everything that's good. Yeah. That's true. You know me, I love musicals. People don't like a brownie floating in red wine. That rules. Oh yeah, you'll like Joker too because you like musical theater. Yeah. But I heard, oh, Kat said Emily's cousin saw it and I was like, how was it? She said it's good, but there's not enough Gaga. And I was like, no, that's dumb. Well, she's literally goo goo for Gaga, baby. I don't trust her taste in movies. I don't want to see it again.

I need to see that movie and I need you guys to go with me. So it's a write-off. So tonight we land at six and then we ride at seven 30 and then we dine in hell. I want to watch it. I want to get home. Yeah. Substance. We could do a double feature. We could lock ourselves in and watch movies all night. Yeah. We could get Chris Pierce's gun. We're showing them whatever we want. Put on happy Gilmore. That'd be sick. I'm glad that I that me fucking around with a gun in a green room led to you cackling harder than I've ever heard you laugh as you try to decide where to put

me the sticker, the cutout of me about to blow my brain out. And it's a real gun and it saved your life. Ironically, it gave you life. It saved a lot of our lives. You fucking pointed that thing at all of us. Oh yeah. He pointed it at his heart did the Junior SAO. He did the crotch. Preserved my brain to be studied. He pointed it at the crowd and flexed. Oh yeah because the idea of lighting a comic who's going along with the little flashlight you can have under a pistol with a real gun. Yeah it was so fucking funny.

Yeah. You light them at eight and then if they do longer than 12, you fucking, they did just the red dot on their foreheads into the Dr. Dre at the beginning of the music video. You hear the safety go off. So yeah, Dre Day, I think is when he has the, we've had a lot of fun in green rooms, but a real gun. Awesome. Change the energy. Yeah.

Shout out Chris Pearson and buddy Lloyd, man. Pat acted a little scared and it's like, dude, four people, I've watched four people show that it's, you know, check it and make sure there's literally just one of the three rules of gun on another. Another rule is rules are meant to be broken. Yep. You forgot about that rule. I walked into the hookah lounge and I hit that fucking hookah raw and Kyle said,

Oh what? There's rules, Kanaan. And I was like, I fucking hate the rules. And then I blew smoke in his face. I don't know if he cared for that. I mean, it was pretty cool. Also, for legal purposes, the gun was fake. It's not illegal to have a gun brandish a gun might be for a couple seconds for a, for as a bit.

Yeah. You shoot me in the gut and I die. You know what? Guts. I shoot, shoot everybody in the gut. Cause my name's guts. You know, what's fun to do is, do is throw a comedy festival and bring in your squad and Then bring in your friends and then bring in some young comics that you might have heard of and then on the third day of that

Festival that you're running when they think that you're a pretty cool guy who stands on business You enter four of the biggest craziest professional wrestlers in the world and now you're like, Oh yeah, these are also my squad. And then the comics of color start not hanging out in the green room. Cause there's a gun. There's a gun. I mean, Chris, Pierce and buddy, which were on one of the greatest, most fan favorite episodes of this podcast, uh, the death metal dicks, beginning of COVID. They, yeah. fucking me and Becker got COVID drink 300 beers, 300 beers, 300 cold. How many of those did you drink? At least 45. Really? Yeah.

Bori probably had 45 me and Bori probably counted for 100 of those beers in two nights. No, this was the first night. What the fuck? Yeah. Becker, how many did you have? 15? All right. Cause you had COVID. You're the one that gave everybody COVID. I bet Buddy and Chris had a hundred beers each.

Jesus Christ. Did he get pulled over right after that? Is that what he? I don't think anyone got pulled over. I don't think so. Yeah. But anyway, they rolled into town and Chris Pierce is what? Six, four, two 80, 4% body fat. Yeah. Stands like he's about to break a fucking he has his hands like this.

He's going to start taking heads off and putting them on his belt. And then buddy Lloyd's wearing the smallest shorts anyone's seen and just kind of making Elvis noises throughout the green room. Ha! Ooh! He rules. Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, all the words that we bleep, they don't bleep. We were talking about on a podcast, they're in a green room full of comics who are flinching whenever they move towards them. We were talking about how Stone Cold says he doesn't believe in CTE in that McMahon documentary. Yeah. And Buddy was like, yeah, but I got about 22 concussions. I got 22. I have a belt and I put a notch in it every time. Jesus. Yeah, that's not good, Buddy. Not good, Buddy. You know what Buddy needs? He needs to have Groove Shark installed in his head.

He needs Sirius XM radio sponsored by groove shark funky fish So Becker yeah the pizza. What do you think probably needs a couple minutes too slimy? It's a little undercooked are you broiling it? It's I'm baking it what temp 350? It's not gonna do anything It will you gotta crank that thing up to six. We gotta go full pizza oven. He's just cold. It's gonna explode the whole place. Why don't you let Guts flap up his panis and cook it underneath there. My what? Your panis? It's a thing only Guts has. Yeah Guts has a panis and he has cool panis attachments. I would get the Quado attachment for Guts' panacea.

I wish I would have shot you, Pat. That would have been pretty cool. We would have been the talk of the fest. If you would have shot Pat in the arm and he would have been fine, that would have rocked. But if you would have shot him... I would have been so incredibly **** if I got shot. Nah, it would have been cool. In Arkansas?

Yeah, dude, if you... Dude, if I throw a comedy festival and the story is yeah, Couple of big boys had a gun up there and all guts blasted Pat Chris would have been like spider bites got blasted in the leg with a gun in Arkansas That's the coolest festival anyone Chris wouldn't let me go to the hospital. He'd be like I'm fucked Yeah, Chris would have put one of his giant thumbs in the wound He's a medic I feel like I'm fucked. Yeah, Chris would have put one of his giant thumbs in the wound. He's a medic. Yeah. Well, buddy just like breaks one of the next to those guitars and starts heating it up.

I get soldered. I'd like you to get so termized it's when you get sodomized with a so I'm sorry. Yeah. Yeah. Yep. I think we all did the math so If anyone else has any questions, feel free to call in right now We are actually live. I don't show me behemoth discord. I didn't think we were taking calls We're taking calls. We're taking texts and if you want to get on groove shark calm slash

Live chat Get in there. We're answering all of your funky fish related questions. Oh, what about this for real? Instead of posting on Reddit, where's that Discord? It's on there. Look for it. Those expire though. It's been posted several times.

They expire, brother. Well, never mind then. Keep on posting. Keep those posts a coming. Keeps your tech update from an elder millennial. You've been wearing a big hat clicking the expired links. Trying to log on to Groove Shark at the same time. That's why Lund's not in there.

Well, you don't. Okay. Keep posting about the Discord. Also, get into the Patreon, patreon.com slash chubby behemoth. When we get to 2000, we're about to hit 2000. Becker, what's the goal? What happens when we hit 2000? Am I relapsing? What are we doing?

I think you're smoking heroin. I don't want that. I don't want that to happen. We don't care what you want. We don't ever care what you want. Don't do that, Becker. I don't want you. I don't want that. We don't care what you want. We don't ever care what you want. Don't do that Becker I don't want you ever. Yeah yesterday when Pat was dead until 730 p.m. Fucking swallowed hookah water or whatever He chugged a hook. I was pretending to be Aladdin Genie and I was drinking hookah water

I tried to get in the hookah and kept saying rub me I was drinking hookah water. Yeah, Pat tried to get in the hookah and kept saying, rub me, rub me. You ain't never had a friend like me. I was like, well, what if Pat is dead? And then my immediate second thought was, what's going to happen to Wide World? Wide World's fucked. They told that to London. I was like, that sucks.

Yeah, it's unfortunate. But hey, you're in the zone. I was just, I was working on Wide World. When you died, when you croaked, I was laying in bed working on widening your urethra. You were up there self so you can be faster. I love to self sound get back in bed pack. It's it to the point where when he pees, it just sounds like he dumped a cup in there big splash. He's sick of having to stand long enough to piss.

Pat doesn't stand. He lays across the toilet. He bisects the toilet with his body and just puts his penis in the bowl. Yeah, I let the piss leak. Watch his tick tocks. Be so funny to walk into someone face down on the toilet. Planking on the toilet. Yeah. It's like, whoa, can I help you?

The toilet. Yeah, you can knock next time. Look. It's a public toilet. I think it's a milking table. If you're laid out so that your dick is in the toilet, but then your head is in the tub so you can puke and piss. And wash your hair.

You're puking and pissing. And farting. A little poop comes out of your butt. Let them cook. You're at a rest stop. You walk in on Pat completely nude. You're just like, oh, I have to leave Arkansas. I'm not pissing again until I get to the state line.

I'm going to Joplin. I'm really glad that your Joplin show was good though. I'm really glad that it was worth it. It's backward, but it could have been relations. It could have been good. What if it had been good? Also, it was a fun car ride and being around Oh, I was thinking about this the weekends even if you have a couple extra people

That stopped by you know them and like them or you you don't know them It's a couple to not this festival was not only a bunch of people that I like a lot like too many like literally too many to interact with enough or coordinate with You just have to end up being with like a group of four anyway like literally too many to interact with enough or coordinate with. You just have to end up being with like a group of four anyway, so being in a car with three other comics and chopping it up was, that's what you want. You were doing blow?

It's tough to have the festival to have 30, what, chopping it up? Yeah. No, even as I itch my nose, as if I'm currently on blow. So yeah, the car ride was good, it was worth it. Well you've been stuck, because we got free duck wings. Free shirt, yeah. And the Jonas Brothers did an worth it. Well, you missed out because we got free duck. Free shirt. Yeah. Jonas Brothers didn't impromptu show for us. Had a couple of free cookies. Nick was there.

Yeah. Fucking Nick and Ziggy and Colton. We started a half hour late, uh, in the hopes that more people would show up, but instead some people left. Yep. It kind of went. It was kind of the, yeah. Oh, and then the bow, the potential bow was when we were done and we were like, all right, we're definitely gonna get the fuck out of here any second. But the host is like, oh man,

we're just waiting on the dude to show up to pay us. And it's like, oh no, that old fucking chestnut where you're telling me there isn't $60 cash in this room. There's a whole organ of building people exchanging. I, maybe they don't exchange money because of the laws, you know, with a members only club, you know, we're paying in members only jacket, but there's no, there's nobody on site that can give us $250 or whatever the fuck we made. And it's so stupid where it's like, yeah, we had to wake up the guy

who has to, you know, call his girlfriend so that she come pick him up so that they can come over here to give you your cash. It's like, oh good, this is going to take an extra hour. We would have been back. But no, it wasn't the worst it took like you know an extra 15 minutes but yeah immediately it's like are we gonna get paid the guy who's supposed to pay us just sent me a text that said headed to casino and then he sent the fingers crossed emojis so yeah we're gonna be here for anywhere from three to seven hours why don't you boys have another jolt soda put a couple more quarters in the Donkey Kong machine. Could have been bad.

That part could never have been good. We were relieved at the end and again had a good time with. Blowing off your friends. Sullivan. No, I was with friends. And you were with. Brian Sullivan and fucking. Grant Barnaclo.

Couldn't remember his name. He's such a great friend. No, my nose itched again. Grand Barnacle and Joe Means. Joe Means drove us, wore a D-Generation X hat. Awesome. First night of the festival. Now I know why you went.

That was funny. You were like, dude, how about in the Mr. McMahon thing? We're wrestling bros. Yeah, we didn't talk wrestling though. I don't think we talked about this on the pod. Where Mr. McMahon is like, there's one storyline we didn't talk wrestling though. I don't think we talked about this on the pod. Where Mr. McMahon is like, there's one storyline we didn't do. Yeah.

Stephanie was gonna get pregnant and I was gonna be the dad. But after much consideration, after about weeks of deliberation, we decided, what if I got pregnant? And she was the dad. What if I just fingered her a little bit? And that's what we did for summer slam. I fingered my daughter. And a lot of people were upset, mostly her husband

and brother who were the guest referees for the match. They were 69 and dude one hitting that fucking stunner was sick. You look so good doing it. Thank you. Well, that was literally hoodie and an eye made me you Chris, Buddy look like a million bucks. They really did. That's how good at wrestling they are. Total professionals that leaned into, well, and I also said, and they were saying how

one of the things that can take you out of pro wrestling, if you watch it enough, for you, it's a man fighting a woman and a woman, not getting her head caved in for me, not, not even getting your head caved in, just agreeing to the match. What are you thinking to it? Get back to the merge table. The other thing that, that is, I think a genuine criticism or, or thing, a hang up that people can have is when it looks too perfect. When everything is so coordinated it's like yeah no shit,

it's too smooth and it was not that, it was a dirty brawl and it fucking it was fun and Hodian and I did a great job of making it all work. Hey you gotta hit him with a fucking stunner and he got to hit it out of it. I spit my zin so it looked like a tooth when I took that chop. Cool. Yeah. Yeah, you kept that from me. I didn't know about that spot.

Yeah, I don't tell you everything. I'm going into business for myself. You sold the booze so good, I was worried about you. Booze to the eye, yeah. At the beginning, Chris, I don't, he must have not had anything. Did you gig your forehead?

No. He fucking acted like it wasn't Sam acted like he got both of us and it was like you were behind me what do you do Sam was like we both got blasted buddy and Chris came to the ring and they shotgun three Bud lights and then buddy drank the neck of a whiskey bottle yeah and I was like oh good we'll go wrestle my friends. I promised you would be safe. Yeah, please don't drop anybody on their head. No. Yeah.

Oh yeah, it was funny when we were planning out what we would do. And I talked about like, yeah, hit a stunner on Anaya. Try to hit a stunner on Hoodie, but he's so big and strong. He just stands up straight and I fall to my ass and look up. And then I start trembling in fear. I piss my pants. I was going to have you wear my khaki short. Sam immediately goes, yeah dude, piss him for real.

I have khaki so it'll look, it'll show up right away. And I was like, guess what? I'm not pissing my pants for real in the middle of somebody, some stranger's wrestling ring. Yellow means green. That is not the saying. That's the saying we have. It was funny that hoodie is at the end of the match. It's the big headlining match. You just stunned his partner.

You go to stun him. He no sells it. You're looking up at him. And as he's like glowering over you, trying to be the scariest man alive, you look up and you say, I'll suck your dick. And he breaks. He starts laughing. So funny when wrestlers laugh.

Cause it's like, aren't you like a demigod from hell or something? alive, you look up and you say, I'll suck your dick. And he breaks. He starts laughing. So funny when wrestlers laugh because it's like, aren't you like a demigod from hell or something and you're up there giggling. Yeah. He said, yeah, he said that I got him and he said it was because I didn't say it loud enough for anyone else to hear. And I was like, well, I was trying not to scream it, but I did want to convey that I was trying to bargain with you and it was funny to say I'll suck your dick As if that's what he would want He's in ass-kicking mode and then I just blow him at a wrestling show in the ring Everybody's like what the fuck your pants are pissed you pissed your pants while you're blowing him You're a sissy you do sissy hip no hey if you want to get your dick sucked by Lund, remember, download Groove Shark.

It's the new app everyone's talking about. If you do it within the next two days, you will get a free Chubby Behemoth gut skin for your groovy fish. Dude, how about all the Becker skins that dropped this week? And we ran into three separate Beckers. Yeah, well, Chris and Buddy's Becker, Brian, is a killer dude. I hope we work together with him. Yeah He wants to take Pat's job. He wants to edit wide world. Oh, well that'll never happen unless Pat keeps ODing on my yeah That's gonna be he's gonna hook a vape himself to death

I'm a vape myself today. Come to Bridgeport, please Bridgeport.com join the wide world patreon. How me? How you can do that to join it join it join it or die join the wide world patreon