Chubby Behemoth - Gas Station Coffee

Episode Date: November 4, 2020

Nuanced attack. Jeremy. Nerds Rope.   This weeks sponsor Hold The Phone! https://holdthephone.tv/   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth.

Did we ever tell you about when Willie Nelson was here? Uh-uh. Save it for the pod. I just hit record. Oh, yeah. We were down in Texas doing shows with Ron White. And Bukley and Uris went to bed early one night, the last night we were there. Every night?

Yeah, every night. They had a separate house. I'm tied-tied. Oh, my God. I have to go back and eat a bunch of secret food in my bed that no one can know about. Said one of them. I've got to go put ten bugles on these digits. Yeah.

I've got to go soil the best bed I've ever laid in. So yeah, one night we went back and we did these shows at Pootie's in Texas, which is owned by Willie Nelson's old tour manager. His widow now. His widow, yeah. So Pootie was his longtime manager, road manager, tour manager. Yeah, if a girl OD'd on pot, he got rid of her. He smoothed out all the bumps for the red-headed stranger. Like shallow graves just north of the Canadian border.

Pootie, we got another one. Pootie. I can't do it. He's a little lower, but it is a warble. Pootie. Pootie. Pootie. Hey, Pootie.

She said she was 18. She said she could handle her cocaine. So anyway, we get back to the house, and we're trying to get him to come hang out. We thought maybe he would be there there because he had performed the night before like in san antonio this place was like what north of austin or something i mean i wasn't trying to get willie to come back i was trying to get bukely and yours to come hang out with those at the house yeah if willie was there you know i would have bum-rushed him and pantsed him. Classic hero worship. We would have table-tied him. Exactly.

Bullied him. Made him smoke weed. Even though he quit. I can't handle any more marijuana smoke, fellas. I've been too high. My lungs up and quit on me. We kept texting them,

hey, come over, it's fun, blah, blah, blah. Lon was texting them all this stuff, and then I just responded. No, no, no. I said something like, I'll tell Willie hi for you. Yeah. To make it sound like he is there. And I told Sam, hey, look, I made

it sound like Willie is here. Look at this nuance. And then Sam is on tequila and fucking mushrooms. And he texts the group chat, Willie Nelson is here. Yeah, we almost had him. I think yours was putting his suspenders back on to go to the truck. Yeah, but anyway. So now we'll just text every now and then

willie nelson is here it was so funny yeah it was good you know who was there was what's his name like the the head of oh but also soon soon yeah like one of the richest dudes because he he was rich because of shampoo but then he also what he sold, he bought and sold Jose Cuervo or something? Something insane, yeah. It was a giant tequila company. Yeah. If it wasn't Jose Cuervo, it was another giant fucking, and he had just sold it, so he went from, like, millionaire to billionaire or some shit. And he, like, was hanging out at this Pootie's Roadhouse.

Yeah, he was just slumming it with us. Looking impeccable. I mean, this guy has soccer team ownership money. And I think he went up to Bukley and grabbed her by the cheek and turned her head and whispered in her ear and then ran his fingers through her hair. He did something insane. She's a real rich guy, Bate, huh?

I mean, they want to taste all the delicacies. You know? Betting a babe with cerebral palsy? That's got to be up there on the bingo board. For sure. Something to bring back to the millionaire club luncheon. I won't believe what I did. They all talk like that.

I won't believe who I did. You won't believe the feet on the woman I had last night. Like boomerangs. I threw her shoe out the window, it came back in. That was Steve A.J. from The Roast. That was the Steve A.J. from The Roast joke. Very funny. She has very

tiny little feet. Strange feet, dude. You can fit both of them in your mouth. Easy. One's like a six and the other one's like a nine and a half. It's weird. One's like a parenthesis and one's like a comma. I think that's pretty accurate.

Yeah, thank you. Fact checker? So I have a quick thing. Okay, cool. I was furious today. Awesome. At myself. Okay, wow.

One of my favorite things. Yeah. I was furious today. Awesome. At myself. Okay, wow. One of my favorite things. Yeah.

My debit card started to go out like last week at the pet store. So I had to go to a Chase and get cash out. And the dude is like, are you set up on your phone for Google Pay? I was like, no, of course not. So I set that up. And today I went to Target, but I completely forgot about the debit card not working wanted to charge my phone it's called multitasking I'm like look at me I'm getting shit done charging my phone while going to Target you're Mark Zuckerberg I'm husband of the month yeah you're pretty much Tony

Stark it's the beginning of November and I've already got it locked down so of course I go to checkout and my debit card won't work, and I have to go home and get my phone and come back. And I'm furious. Oh, from Target in Glendale? Yeah, I went to the one in Glendale. Oh, boy. It's 15 minutes, but it's a half hour total. Right.

It's three extra trips. I hate being stupid. Also, you've got to put the saddles back on the horses. That wagon you drive. Yeah, I've got to find another strawberry for Strawberry, or else she's not leaving the driveway. And Apples hates Apples. You've got to get him a banana. I have to remember, yeah, I'm juggling all these fruits and these allergies that these horses have. And so my hands sore from having to slap horse ass just to get there, let alone back.

And also, you're slapping your own ass because you're upset with yourself. Slapping my own ass. I've been bad. I've been bad. Oh, yeah. I like to be good. A lot of flagellating.

Self and animal. And you mad at me is horrifying, and I hate it, but you mad at yourself is a symphony. I'm an 11 out of 10. It's crazy.

I'm screaming in the car. You're not the serious. I'm like, I'm so mad. It's like if they crash the Challenger into a neutron bomb. That's what it looks like. I'm screaming in the car. I'm like, I'm so mad. It's like if they crashed the Challenger into a neutron bomb. It was about that. It was bad. I had to apologize.

Rick was right! There's a 77-year-old woman that's rung me up and I'm swearing to myself, at myself, but I had to apologize because she doesn't want to hear it. When the card didn't work, did you say, oh, good? No, it was right to.

It was right to. Because that's like, I'm pretty upset. I'm, you know, I'm not happy. Right. I'm being sarcastic. The language of the frustrated. But I fucking go, I went right to, fuck. Oh, I'm so sorry.

I have to leave. I have to go and come back. Oh, I'm so sorry. I have to leave. I have to go and come back. So. Oh, you did the hands? I don't know. I love you. I know when you get really pissed, you start gesticulating wildly like you're in front of a green screen.

I'm Stroop all of a sudden up there. Just fucking screaming at this old lady. Fuck. I'm sorry. God damn it. So, yeah. Uh, but the only thing, the savor is that when I'm there, when I'm first god damn it so yeah but the only thing the saver

is that when I'm there when I'm first at Target I get stuck behind these two old women and they're so old and they're taking very long

to move you know they have a cart and they're tag teaming it but it might as well be you know a small child

because they can't reach anything and do we need which toilet paper do you like, Gertrude? Gertrude and Martha is what I called them because those were my grandparents. My grandma's names. Gertrude and Martha.

He had lesbian grandmothers, by the way. I wish. Classic two-for-two with grandma names, right? Martha and Gertrude. Anyway. I had Saffronia and Dolores. Those are both Saffronia. Crazy good. I mean, Dolores is classic. Saffronia. I had Saffronia and Dolores. Those are both crazy good.

I mean, Dolores is classic. Saffronia. I love it. So they're there bumping into everything while I'm there at first. I get the rest of my stuff. I have to go home. I come back. I find my cart.

A woman checks me out, and I pay. But she's like, hey, nice butt. No, I don't have a butt checks me out and I pay but she's like hey nice butt no I don't have a butt she checks me out she's like where's your butt she forget your ass at home she burns my ass I'm like fuck

you need google ass pay so luckily all of that only takes a couple minutes to get my cart and to head out. I head out. Who is getting into a lift slowly? Gertrude and Martha have been shopping for an extra 45 minutes and they're just leaving.

And I was like, oh my God. Oh man. Put, I mean, I, I've always hated the idea of getting too old. I used to fear, and still kind of fear, dying soon, dying young, dying before, what, 64? I thought you were aiming for a smooth 51. 51? I used to think 50 was like, yeah, get me out of here. David Borey's like, man, any time after 30 is borrowed time.

I'm like, Jesus Christ, dude, come on. What a dystopic version of events. Well, I'm a David Borey's like, man, any time after 30 is borrowed time. I'm like, Jesus Christ, dude. Come on. What a dystopic version of the message. Well, I'm a David Borey. Yeah, I guess if you live like David, then yeah, you're on borrowed time pretty much after high school because he likes to live fast. He doesn't like vegetables. He lives fast at a very slow pace. Lives fast while sitting down a lot.

That's right, yeah. He would excel if we got him a scooter. Now it's like, yeah, I don't know what the... I guess it's different for everyone, but I will know when I'm ready to check out. And it'll be before I reach the speed of Martha and Gertrude. Yeah, because you'll walk into Target with a bomb strapped to your chest. You'll be before it before i reach the speed of martha and gertrude yeah because you'll walk into target with a bomb strapped to your chest you'll be like whose card works now i don't know if i what would i blow up chick-fil-a walmart it wouldn't be a target target well that target is a lot of hoity hoity snooty kept women and and uh and paid shoppers there's they're

running all over the place. Also, they have a great liquor store in there. It was one of the few places in Colorado that could sell booze even though they weren't a booze store. Because Glendale has its own fucking rules. You can go to Shotgun Willie's and hold a gun to a stripper's head and the mayor will come out and be like, thank you, taxpayer.

There's no fucking rules over there. You can smoke weed in Shotgun Willie's, right? Can you now? I think so, because they do whatever they want. They're their own city within the city. I know that once they get their casino up in like the next three years, that they're going to have open consumption. Casino?

They're putting casinos in. In Glendale? Uh-huh. Fuck my big, ripe ass. Yeah. They're developing it. I think there's going to be a casino at either end. Holy shit. And there's going to be open consumption. Right next to Rose Hospital where I was born? You'll be able to get liquor and go up and down Glendale.

Oh, fuck me running. I thought you were talking about weed. You're talking Las Vegas strip. I think they're shooting, I think they're gunning for weed too, but the liquor was like their big thing at the beginning. A casino? Yeah. Right there by Cherry Creek Mall? I think two.

Oh my God, bend me over and put a whole fist inside of my aching crater. I can't wait for that. You're going to move down here and leave Emily in Fort Collins. Emmy, we had a good run. I'm not saying it's over. I'm saying we're married.

This is what I need. It's over. I'm married to Willie. I'm married to winning. I'm married to Willie. I'm married to Willie. Shotgun Willie. Shotgun Willie's here. Come look at some tits.

I used to go to Centerfolds. That was a strip club we would go to when we were 18. Centerfolds is crazy because it's completely nude, but they don't serve liquor. Yeah. That's how it works in the great state of Colorado. If you serve liquor, it's only dropping them out.

That's Vegas, too. Just fat ones. Nice. So, yeah, but I remember we went on graduation night to Centerfolds, and I was getting a lap dance from a girl, and she's like, what are you and your fellas celebrating? And I was like, we just graduated from high school. And she was like, me too. She graduated that day, and she was out working too she graduated the day that day and she was

out working she went to alameda though so yeah fuck them you know what i'm doing this weekend dogs oh shit friday night everyone's invited maybe not because of the stipulations i am going to elizabeth colorado where i'm from home of the cardinals fly eagles fly um i don't know where they called it the eagles fly thing but anyway um i'm going on the sideline to watch my elizabeth cardinals play against the despicable inglewood pirates oh yeah yeah dude because i uh first of all i'm bored and i wanted to go to an uh we were supposed to be in arizona this weekend we were supposed to have the time of our lives. Yeah, and also, Stan Hope's pissed, by the way. I put it on you, so don't worry. You asshole. Yeah.

No, he's upset, though. Also, Stan Hope called me on a three-way call last night with Roseanne. Yeah, dude. Which was nuts. What the fuck? But I'm going sideline to watch the boys in red take on those baby-rapin' pirates, alright? Are you

being honored at halftime? No, no. I just hit up the coach who was the C-team coach. He's the head coach now. And I was like, Buzz, let me on the sideline. Do him write a book about Elizabeth. And he was like, I don't care. I don't remember who you are. I was like, I'll stay. 2004, 2005.

He was like, prank call. But, yeah, old Buzz whose only post on Facebook is being excited about a band called lost point performing in elizabeth from 2011 lost point they were like the big deal band or wait i was thinking lost profit of course you were because you love what they were a thing i can't think of their songs isn't that the band where the lead singer fucking raped a baby i don't know things about music like i think that's what happened. Lost Prophets?

Lost Prophets. Oh, one of them. Maybe not the lead singer. Yeah. For sure that's what happened. One of them was very gross. Oh, shit. I've got to throw that CD away. I've got to get another spin.

I've got to get that out of the Forester. But, yeah, so I'm really excited, man. I've got the over-under right now at 75 points. Yeah, you're taking money excited, man. I got the over-under right now at 75 points. Yeah, you're taking money from the people in the stands. Come on, they're looking good. I was just down there. They're warming up real nice. Thad's quad is ready to rumble.

Here's the question. Do I wear my leather jacket or not? Yeah. Do I? A hundred percent. Okay. When else are you going to get to wear it and not feel like a total goon? Well, when I do my fertility ritual with my wife.

Or is it the worst place to wear it? It's kind of both. It makes the most sense, but hopefully they know that you are... Well, they know you don't live there. It would suck. You couldn't wear it if you were always at all the games. You go down there this time, people are like, who the hell is that monster and then you they see the jacket right oh okay if you wear it every time cardinal pride you're like you're named augie and you live behind the texaco

if you were always down there yeah then that then and and everybody's like man it's just a matter of when we're gonna find him in a ditch wearing that fucking jacket. So yeah, you won't have any of that. Yeah. I would maybe have a copy of the book in hand. I wrote this. This is not all I have. Come on. I want them to win, but if they don't, that's fine.

I'm also selling gas cards. Conoco, Texaco, whatever you need. Who needs a phone? No shell. Yeah, so I don't know. I'm really excited about it. More excited than I should be. I'm definitely not going to go.

Come with me. No. What if you wore the jacket? What if we did that? What if we brought you down? What if we held hands on the sidelines? That would be cool. We'd end up having to fight like half of the team probably.

We'd end up having to blow the special teams coach. And blow the other half. It's always the special teams coach. He blow the other half. It's always the special teams coach. He's the one getting head from the fellas. Yeah, but I would for sure be honored if you would attend with me.

Honored is not the right word. You can wear my jacket, which would be way too big for you because it's too big for me. Yeah. So, like, your hands wouldn't show. You were on steroids. I was on horse pills.

HGH. Yeah. I wish, dude. I think all the hell I could have brought to the Jefferson Saints. I was out there on steroids. I was 17. Dick hidden from God's eyes. Back knee there for a reason.

Not just because I wore my leather jacket every day and sometimes slept in it. I love it, dude. I remember one time doing the tuck. I tucked my balls in dick and came out in the locker room with the letter jacket on only after a game. And my cleats on still somehow. Which doesn't make any sense because getting football pants over cleats is a nightmare. But yeah, I did a little dance for everyone. It was cool.

They should honor me at halftime, though. Because I'm doing an interview with the library system in Elbert County on Saturday, which is really why I'm going down there, but I'm going to double dip because I fucking hate the Pirates. They stabbed Drew Blazier at a volleyball game. My friend Drew Blazier. We went to Englewood to watch the girls do battle with that menace known as the Englewood Pirate volleyball team. And we walked on the Pirate. You're not allowed to walk on the Pirate. They wouldn't let anyone Inglewood Pirate volleyball team, and we walked on the pirate. You're not allowed to walk on the pirate. They wouldn't let anyone walk on the pirate.

Even their own people would walk around it in the middle of the gymnasium. And we won, and we went down the floor, and we were like crip-walking on the pirate. You better not. I got on my back, and they were spinning me. On the pirate? Yeah. No, I wouldn't do that. But afterward, we got confronted in the parking lot,

and someone fucking stabbed Drew Blazier in the arm. Jesus. Yeah, no, just one of the parents. So after that happened, we had to have separate fucking parking lots at the games. Yeah, I mean... I'm going to be down there and I'm going to be like, boys, you don't know what it was like.

It was 2003. We lost some good high school kids. Shakira was at the top of the charts. These hips did not lie. When they said Shakira was at the top of her game. A game called Manhunt was out for PS2. It was tearing America apart. The morals had been conflicted.

And there I was, me and Drew Blazier and his brother Greg who killed himself after Iraq. They probably don't have this rivalry anymore. And I'm going to be like, you've got to fuck these kids in their ass! Break them wide open! Give them a taste for old T-Dog! And they're like, who is this man? Why does he reek of rum?

I didn't show up with a fucking 30 rack. I'm handing them out. I hope they honor me at halftime, dude. That would fucking rule. They play Stone Cold's theme. And now. Oh my gosh. The pride of Elbert County.

David Borey's friend. Have somebody read his book to you. I had a fun one happen to me today when I was riding my bike. Woke up early, walked the dog, rode the bike. And I'm on the bike trail, and I just hear fucking thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, like heavy boots from behind. And I'm like, what's this about? But I'm not that good at my bike that I can turn around.

I can't ride with no hands on the bars. The most I have is... I'm like the guitarist from Guns N' Roses as far as my neck can move. What happened to him? Carrick? No, he has the same thing Andy Main has. That neck disease where it's fused.

So whenever you want to look over your shoulder, it looks like you're doing the Funky Frankenstein. Turn me east. Yeah, exactly. The guy with the one leg. Yeah, dude. Now turn me. Gotta tell rules.

But I hear thump, thump, thump, and it's getting closer. And then all of a sudden, a man just blasts by me on my left. Full denim. He's got a denim shirt on and blue jeans. And he's just fucking sprinting in boots. And I don't know what he escaped from. I don't know if

they were, you know, giving away free oil filters at the Meineke down the street. This guy was just like, you know, like he escaped a Canadian wedding and he was just running for the border. It was insane! What kind of madman sprints in not only denim

but also work boots? Heavy boots. Talking like Red Wings, dude. That's wild. It was crazy. It was like, I don't know if it happened. Like, I don't know

if I fell off my bike and hit my head and that was me trying to make sense out of all the blood pooling in my cerebellum. But it was nuts, dude. And I was like,

he was getting away from me. I was on a bike. He was passing you? He was blasting. It was nuts. Also, I was going uphill, so I wasn't really like, I can't go

that fast. But he was going uphill. He was cranking, dude. Damn. Not like Buff. Did he just keep going on the trail, or did you see his end goal?

He made it over the hill before I did, and then it was all over. You had to get your shoelace out of the gears. Yeah, I know. I had a nerd's rope caught in the gears. I just had a nerd's rope after all the talk. They rule. It seems like everybody's tweeting about nerd rope. Another thing that I predicted.

Yeah, you were ahead of the curve. Yeah, they're pretty good. They're. It seems like everybody's tweeting about nerd rope and... Another thing that I predicted. Yeah, you were ahead of the curve. Yeah, they're pretty good. They're crunchy on the outside. Well, they sell weed ones. Squishy on the outside. Bunch of nerds. Weed ones? Ooh, shit.

That sounds good. I think that was part of the resurgence in popularity, is the weed ones came out during quarantine. Oh, okay. Yeah, but they are pretty good. They're fun. They're fun to eat like spaghetti with a loved one. Lady and the Tramp and Nerds Rope. And then you guys just are in a diabetic coma, so you are pretty good. They're fun to eat like spaghetti with a loved one. Lady and the Tramp and Nerds Rope.

And then you guys just are in a diabetic coma so you can't fuck. How much candy have you guys been eating the last couple days? God. We're here post-Halloween, pre-election, recorded on Monday, the day before the world burned. It's going to be so weird because it's not even going to be over tomorrow. It's going to be these weird updates of like, you know, some states will take forever and some states will fucking be done. And then there will be some, oh, we just found a trunk full of ballots that, you know, someone forgot about on their way to the... It sounds like most experts are saying it's gonna be like a month before we know yeah a month because some states don't start counting their mail-in ballots till 10 days

later they maybe they have up to 10 days to report the mail they don't start until election day yeah it's that it's how many people use the mail-in ballots and the fact that all these elderly people that normally do all the work aren't volunteering. Right, yeah. A lot less poll workers. Luckily, a lot more early voting. I just heard on the radio today... It's almost 100 million people, right? Yeah, it was like two-thirds

of the amount of people. Almost 100 million have voted already and in 2016 125 or 130 million people voted. So we could have, shit, I don't even know, maybe almost 200 million votes. That would be crazy. Gert and Martha are going to go out tomorrow.

Luckily, yeah, Gertrude and Martha probably voted for Trump because they like him because he was on TV or whatever the fuck. Because he has the devil in his eye. No, because he has Jesus on his back. He's carrying Jesus. That's why there's only one set of footprints. It's because Jesus got tired and Trump was like, get on my back. I've got you. I've got you, Jesus.

Let's take a ride, Christ. I never met you. You seem like a good guy. From a shithole. I'm also a mob boss in this impression. I'm going Brando. I'm going full Brando. I'm Donald Trump. You're not supposed I'm going Brando. I'm going full Brando. I'm Donald Trump.

You're not supposed to go full Brando. You're not supposed to go full Brando. This is Marlon Brando. I'm made with electrolytes. I'm on the waterfront. I'm selling eels. Yeah. I think it'll be cool. I know that me and my buddies are meeting up at the polling station tomorrow.

You know, we're going to have our ARs just so everyone feels safe. Bunch of duct tape on your fists. Yeah, we'll be out there checking people's IDs. Two forms. Yeah, exactly. Both got to be valid. Pick two picture IDs. No Chuck E. Cheese Fun Club membership cards will be accepted.

No Topgolf fucking birthday memberships. I can't vote now? No, you can't. No, get a freaking driver's license or a fucking passport to the zero countries you can travel to.

You know what you can do is you can write your home address and birthday on your chest and show up nude. And if you also have a photo of yourself nude that matches the cock

you're swinging, that's how you can do it. I'm gonna show up naked with DNR on my chest. Yeah yeah do not recount these votes once you got a total stick to it god damn it uh it's been annoying to hear about like now that you know the the electoral college is under a microscope it's like yeah what are we doing like

uh trump and biden are in like like, Florida, Michigan, Pennsylvania, eight times over two days, and it's like, what is all of this? Like, why are we just allowing the old way, you know? Meanwhile, top hats and fucking streamers and shit. It's just a charade so that we don't see Bill Gates sucking on fetal stem cells, you know? That's right. He's just in his lab just sucking the... Straight to the source.

He's got a bunch of... One of those things they cut off women, placentas. He's doing lines. I don't want to get that rich. You want to? Yeah, I guess eat embryos. Ellen DeGeneres rich? Yeah, get an ankle monitor on me.

What? You ever see, you didn't see those during quarantine? When QAnon said they were going to round up the pedophiles, they were going to arrest everyone in Hollywood. And there was all these photos of Ellen with what looked to be an ankle monitor on her ankle. Right. And she couldn't leave her house. For some crime that the media didn't cover at all. Being gay as hell.

Secret trials. Why would the media cover it when she all. Being gay as hell. Secret trials. Why would the media cover it when she's the number one show? They want to sell ads. Look, we're through the looking glass. Oh, you are Q Anon. I'm Q. No, you're Anon. You're Anon.

Everyone knows me. You're a non-playable character. Yeah. So I got a new character, speaking of. Oh, yeah. Okay, so this... Oh, nice Oh yeah I hit everyone in the group chat with this yesterday I'm very excited

So you want to bring me in? This is our friend Jeremy Let's get Jeremy in here Hey, it's me, Jeremy, what's up everybody? Oh good, it's racist It's just a guy named Jeremy Oh yeah, sounds like a white guy for sure. It could be any guy.

The only person I know that sounded like that was white Dr. John. Yeah, it's me. Dr. John? Dr. Jeremy. Y'all heard this song, Wet-Ass Buzzy? Wet-Ass Buzzy. I have not heard this song. Is this a popular song where you come from?

Wop. I like the song initially because i thought it was about italian people but it's about wet-ass pussy and i love wet-ass pussy the issue is again whenever i meet a girl with wet-ass pussy and i go to holler at her i can't talk because i got diarrhea from too much gas station coffee. Oh, yeah, I forgot about the other... I forgot about the other characteristic of your story, Dr. Jeremy. So that's Jeremy, and he likes the song Wet Ass Pussy,

but he can't talk about it too much because he always has diarrhea from gas station coffee. Yeah, you meet a hot lady, you're like, what up, mama? Oh, no, shit, too much gas station coffee. I haven't heard the song. How does it go? Wop, wop, what up, mama? Oh, no, shit, too much gas station coffee. I haven't heard the song. How does it go?

Wop, wop, wop, wet-ass buzzy. Macaroni in a pot, wet-ass buzzy. Oh, damn! That's what I get. That's what I get for all that coffee I had. That's pretty much it. Yeah, solid. But I also did that for about 40 minutes yesterday

during the Eagles game to the point where Sophie was like you need to stop or we're gonna drive back yeah Mel loved it Mel was like

this rules and I was like hell yeah young brother you like that wet ass sloppy ass pussy me too kinda reminds me of the diarrhea

I just had from all that gas station coffee. So it was a variation of that. Mel would get involved every now and then, and then Sophie would slap him on the leg. Stop it. Yeah. Yeah, we had Sophie and Mel

up at the house for Saturday night and all day Sunday. Why? Just a little lover's retreat. Because you guys hadn't seen each other in 48 hours. What? You're jealous because your sister moved away from you because she hated the smell? No, it's just funny how much.

She got tired of you guys. Oh, yeah, and also Jeremy wants to know, what kind of undies you wearing? Because I want to boil them and make some tea. That's another thing he says. Damn, this guy's got layers. He's got bars. He went to Reed College in Portland. I went to Reed College.

I thought it was Weed College. Oh, no. I've got to throw these corduroys away. I just pooped them. It is wet. Like the pussy in the ass. Wet ass. That's why I like the song.

Because I always got wet ass from all the coffee. Right, that's why he started. That's why I like the song because I always got wet ass from all the coffee. Right, that's why he started, that's why he found the song online is that he was Googling how to fix a wet ass. The symptoms, yeah. Cures for a wet ass. Nicks the paper towels.

Hey baby, give me that pad. I'm trying to make a beef boogaloo. So yeah, that's what I did yesterday. Nice. Yeah. Well, it was tough. You know, I was in the lab for a while. Trying to get the voice right.

Trying to get this damn label off. Yeah, I know. Because I'm sexually frustrated. I'm just peeling at my beer. Anyone else have any guys? Also, it's funny his name's Jeremy. Anyone else have any guys? No. No's funny his name's Jeremy. Anyone else have any guys? No.

I didn't work on a guy. I was excited for your guy. We don't need another character for the episode. Let's let Jeremy shine. All right. I'll do the rest. I don't mean by you continuing to do Jeremy. You don't want to hear more from me?

I just mean... You're going to have to throw this chair away. The less competition... This jam is soaked. The less competition, the better. You don't want to hear more from me? I just mean... You're going to have to throw this chair away. The less competition, the better. So that Jeremy can be seen as a good character. The diarrhea looks like the coffee. Sometimes I get confused, drink my own diarrhea at the gas station. It's bad.

I don't like it. You know what I like? Wet ass pussy. So that probably reached its end. How did he do the lyrics? Well, he never got that into it, because whenever he's looking at the song lyrics, he has to go clean himself up. This guy's getting diarrhea. I get diarrhea like

45 times a day. Goddamn. I get my mail in the bathroom. They go above and beyond at the USPS. Well, also, though, you know,

he's a professor. At Reed College? Well, no, he can't. He went to Reed College. He went to Reed College. Yeah, now he teaches at Vassar.

That's where all the young what-app pussy is. Hell yeah. Alright, so, you guys hated it. Look. No, I like it. I was trying to bring

some new fun flavors to this buffet. When I was in college, I had a professor that I liked a lot and he taught abnormal psychology. He also was like

the head of the... I don't know what they called it, but like the... Paranormal Sciences? No, like Sexual Assault Crisis Hotline. Was it Dan Aykroyd? No. No, it was like some type of like sexual assault hotline or counseling program.

So he knew about all kinds of random, you know, stuff, sexual-wise. And I had the Tenacious D hoodie that looked like a baseball logo or a uniform you know in the front but it said cleveland steamers and he knew what that was he was like cleveland steamers huh and i was like yeah he just takes out his stamp he's a plus i'm abnormal that was uh he was a great professor. He was the kind of professor where he would be on a bench on campus having a coffee and a smoke, and there'd just be a line of students wanting to talk to him. He was fucking...

Yeah, because they were trying to change his mind. He was cool. They were trying to shit on his chest. Well, I was thinking he was like that guy, Stephen Crowder. Changed my mind. Yeah, changed my mind. Do you think you would like to get your shit on? No.

What if it was by Jeremy? What if you knew it was going to be a real loose mudslide? No, that's worse. You'd rather have a thick thump hit your chest? I think so. I think I would, because at least it'd be concentrated to that one radius, as opposed to just everywhere. Yeah, but feel about the weight of it. Like a splatter? A splatter would be better because it's warm.

That'd be gross. It's all gonna be warm. It's coming out 100 degrees. It is. Becker? I don't want poop on my chest in any... You don't have a choice. God damn it. Look, they're like camera one or camera two. I think

solid. Okay, yeah. that's what i'm saying i think the vomiting that would ensue after the liquid poop would just be never ending but what if the guy's laying a whole coil on you i still think they'd be easier just to like get it off of you oh no you have to hang out with it adding rules to watch a movie you have to give it a name you have to walk this turd down the aisle okay Okay, you're the dad. The turd's getting married to some cum. You gotta bury it. The turd's marrying cum and you have to give it away

at the wedding. Well, if I'm gonna have a turd for that long, I definitely want it to be solid. Yeah, but you have to hold hands with it. How do you hold liquid diarrhea? You keep it in a jar. Solid. I want a in a jar. Solid. I want a solid poop, I guess.

Yeah, I'd like to get just a whole kielbasa just dropped. Speaking of tenacious D. Yeah, dude, that, I mean, I don't want any shit. I don't want any pee. I dated someone who was down with the idea, like,

oh, yeah, pee and I was like no, not pee it was Lamar Stuckey yeah, we dated in college in junior high he was out there, he was a little wild but yeah, he grew up a lot between then

and college I'll tell you this, if it was my back, diarrhea because I'd feel like that would feel better on my back. Do you like the idea of getting pooped on a little bit? No, no, this is the worst thing I've ever had to think of. I take no pleasure in this. Okay. All right?

Why do you rock hard? I mean, hey, I just have to sell these newsletters. That's all. Just like scenarios. I do. I just like hypotheticals. Yeah. But if you're going to take a real thick one on my back, yuck.

No thank you. I want to see it. No! Pass on that. Okay, so Becker's out. Yeah, that's so gross. Lund, you want to do this thing? I already said. No, I mean, let's get the camera out.

No more hypotheticals. Camera one or camera two. Jeremy, get in here. What's going on You only got one option with Jeremy It's gonna be wet and loose So we all had a fun weekend Yep

Nothing too Crazy over here Yeah we did a stick or treat What a nightmare that was Well it was God when I first got there it it was like instant regret and panic. Yeah. Like, oh, God, this is going to be horrible.

You were chewing someone else's nails. I was, yeah, I was chewing my nails through my mask, which I thought was impossible. Yeah, you had Evan Johnson's entire hand in your mouth. It was, yeah, he's going to use it as a credit now. Oh, by the way. Nathan opened his mouth for me. Oh, never mind. We'll get to that later.

Stick or Treat was great because I love when a venue owner is there micromanaging literally every interaction you have with the 30 comedians on the show. That's great. Everyone needs to sit on these benches, or the world's going to collapse. They're going to drop firefighters in here if no one's sitting down. They're going to mobilize the National Guard, and we're going to have Kent State 2 up in this ass if everyone doesn't maintain six feet. And then the best part of Stick or Treat

is that you get to watch the other comedians on stage. Well, the other comedians weren't allowed in the fucking tent. And also, who's in the tent watching? People who just happen to be there. People who wanted to be at the show were relegated to outside the tent, because we're not allowed to tell people to leave the show

if they're not there for the show. So that was great. We weren't allowed to be like, hey, if you're not here for the show, leave. We couldn't say that. I'm glad that a lot of places that decide to have comedy shows, their lighting system is either 0 or 10. There's no dimmer switch.

There's no, yeah, we could turn off half of the lights so that there's a little ambiance. No, it has to be a fucking 100,000 candle watt fucking party. And it's either the lighting of a spin the bottle in middle school in the basement, that setting, or it's on the autopsy table. Yep. All right. It's your corpse being flayed and eviscerated.

And also, the best part was that they had, look, I know you're probably wondering, was there thumping techno music going on 10 feet from the show the entire show? Good news is, yes, there was. Because comedy is fucking flourishing in this time of COVID, and we should all be doing shows. There were four people in that bar looking at each other. Yeah. And the music was just as if they thought that they could Pied Piper a crowd in if the music was just loud enough. Luckily, it wasn't too bad in the tent,

so at least the people in there, they were a good crowd, too. I thought they were going to be dog shit. They were fine. But that music was infuriating. Let's blast the music that a date rapist would play to get pumped up for a Saturday night, all right? Does the DJ look like The Undertaker? You know he does.

He's wearing the hat. How many vests is he wearing? And how many different animal skins are they made of? Over, under, and three. You and Christy did a really good job of keeping the ship on course. You did not seem... I would have been

very annoyed with everything. You were very annoyed. Well, no, I wasn't annoyed. I was, like, stressed because I wasn't in, like, the right mood to try to catch up with 30 people. I wanted to kind of be alone or, you know, or talk to the two of you. Also, there's just a bunch of B-teamers now. One person at a time. It was a bunch of randos. Yeah, a bunch of B-teamers now. One person at a time. It was a bunch of randos. Yeah. A bunch of pods.

Dwanguses. Some of them think that the way to get ahead is to either rub elbows with people that have been doing it longer. The rich and famous, like us. Get memorable. Well, yeah. I didn't want to make it sound like I thought anything of myself. But compared to these newer, you know, the frosh, we got the Letterman jackets on. For sure. And I want to hold all their heads in that fucking toilet that Jeremy just sat on.

I'm the captain of the varsity quiz team. I'm the big man on campus. But, yeah, I was not in that headspace to, like, see everybody. I also had no idea, very little of an idea of what I was going to do with my two minutes. I was Tom Segura, which was very lazy because I looked like him, and then I listened to him. And I was like, oh, I just have to talk a little bit higher, kind of, like this, and I'm there. It was stupid. It was very lazy of me.

But, yeah, I was a little stressed because I wasn't sure how I was going to fill the two minutes, and I wasn't feeling confident, and then it actually should have been calming that we were supposed to sit at specific tables, because it would have meant less random interactions with people. Yeah, but then you're like, fuck, which table am I at?

Oh, good. Who am I going to get stuck with? I'm not over there with Vanderplug and Hiker, you know, having fun. I'm stuck over here with Bleep and Bleep. Yeah. And there were a couple of comics that were not

keeping their masks on. Yeah, John Rumerie. If we can all mill about and, and, and bump elbows, okay, we're not, we're not doing anything too crazy. You guys did a good job of making sure people with their own microphones brought them. You had mic covers, you had a bunch of sanitizer, but then some of those comics mask down, shaking hands. It's like, why are you shaking everybody's fucking hand yeah you're an old school professional wrestler you think that's how you get how you get in good with the

boys you gotta show respect get the fuck out of here i never shook your hand before covid i know where they are they're inside of truff's wentz all right they're in aaron's butt trying to pull gummy bears out because he went hog wild so yeah, yeah, there was, yeah, I was just very anxious. And then, you know what sucked is while I'm a ball of nerves, Creasy's, like, playing it cool, having a good time. Creasy was on fire. Creasy was feeling himself. Big man on campus. And I was like, I'm going to, like, ditch, I'm going to have my anxiety make me leave this show before I do my set, and Creasy's

gonna be here just partying. Yeah, Creasy was signing autographs. Typically, Creasy comes up to me and he's like, I don't know, man, I gotta get out of here. And I'm like, no, dude, stay. And I get to make him feel welcome. But in this situation, I was freaking out. You were being great. I offered you a handful of random pills. You were like, take these

or take this. The other option was a closed fist. And I was like, no, Poppy, no. Yeah, but inside of the closed fist was a $100 bill. Damn, I thought it was violence. No, I was trying to help you out, man. I was like, get out of here. Go buy yourself some nerds ropes, man.

Long enough to hang yourself. Make a wallet chain out of them. Creasy was Burt Kreischer. He took his shirt off. He had a tri-tip in his back pocket. He had a fucking steak on stage. He's just chomping a steak because he's never seen Burt Kreischer's act ever. Really?

I figured that was in a special that I... What, Kreischer eats a steak? Yeah, I don't know. It's very avant-garde. No, I don't think he... It's up there with a T-bone. I'll tell you, it's very hard to be funny while eating because for one of the arguments and grievances long ago, I told Kevin,

what if I debated hamburgers versus hot dogs, and I had one of each and ate them, and Kevin, for some reason, let me. But it's hard because you're chewing instead of talking. Yeah. Is it time to chew or is it time to swallow? Exactly. The mind gets confused. The body starts to produce too much bile. Yeah. And so... Is it time to chew or is it time to swallow? Exactly. The mind gets confused. The body starts to produce

too much bile. Right. So you're like, you're verping every time you try to hit your punchlines. So yeah, Creasy, he upped the difficulty level

on his impersonation. But I took a picture of him and I put it on my story and Creasy doesn't like shirtless photos of him out there. He's actually looking pretty good.

Yeah. He's lost looking pretty good. He's on top of his body, I would say. Yeah, he's just clinically obese now. Yeah, not morbidly. Yeah. Curiously obese. He would only have to pay a sex worker $400 instead of $1,200, as he did at the beginning of quarantine.

He can really shed or pack on mass on mass he used to be a hot piece of ace remember well i'm saying he can quickly all of a sudden he's like cheek his cheekbones are back and it's like i haven't seen you in 10 days what happened yeah oh i don't know i've been working out a little bit it's like you son of a bitch i had some cilantro i have to like you know but i put that photo of him online and kre shared it. He did. Yeah, so Creasy went from, you know... Creasy's viral. Exactly. Maybe 1,000 people seeing it to 1.5 million.

He used to just be fungal. Now he's straight up viral. I would... I would love to watch Creasy make love. You would? Think about it. Think how nervous and anxious he must be. He knows that you're watching?

Because that's not fair to him. Yeah, he knows I'm washing. That's not fair. And afterward, I'm washing. That's not fair. And afterward, I'm washing. I'm cleaning up the mess. I would say it would only be fair if he knew like a week ahead of time, because he would want to prepare. He'd want to get everything right.

Uh-uh. I want me in the closet. Oh, you would surprise him. Pretending to be a mannequin. And then Sarah opens up the door, and I'm just there like, get her, Creasy! Eating a bowl of spaghetti. Macaroni in the pot. That's right. Yeah, but Creasy doing it

has got to be gross. He's got a good hog, I think, doesn't he? That cannot be possible. I think it's true. How can a man wander around with so much trepidation if he's holding King Arthur's sword between his legs? The mind is the mind. There's chemicals.

There's neurons misfiring, firing. That can cause all kinds of things. But the hog is separate. It's a mile away from the brain. Or he doesn't believe in his own hog. Yeah, there's a lot of hog disbelief out there. Yeah, like Jeff. Yeah, we had a little sit-down with Jeff, me and Becker.

What? Me and Becker showed up early, and the only one sitting in there was Jeff, just fogging up his glasses without a mask on. And we went to Gerard so I could get a beer and a shot before the show, and Jeff, of course, got a Sprite, like a true maniac. I was like, get whatever you want, Jeff, it's on me. He's like, I don't have a Sprite. Baker rung a bell.

Why do you care that he got a Sprite? A Sprite? Who cares? Maybe he doesn't drink. He's a 42-year-old man. Get a water or a black coffee. Oh, okay. You don't get a Sprite in front of two other people. Do that shit alone. Get some grenadine in that bitch.

Shirley Temple's fine. At least I know you've been in a bar before. It's like Jeff broke out of a tomb. He's like, I want nectar. We don't have that. Give me the closest thing. He's like the sugar man from Men in Black 1. But we talked to Jeff, and apparently he doesn't think his dick is that cool. Oh, my God.

Yeah. All right. Well, tell him to give it to me, and I'll show him what to do with it. He did offer to lease you his dick two years? yeah what's the APR?

7% yeah that's pretty high but my credit sucks it's an inch a year but yeah Jeff was like yeah by the way I just

thank you for I just don't think I have that good of a dick and we're like dude let me see it yeah put it around my wrist like a watch alright I just don't think I have that good of a dick and we're like dude let me see it yeah put it around my wrist like a watch alright

put it around me like a belt I mean it's not the longest dick in the world it's pretty giant yeah I mean it would hurt if you accidentally sat on it you know what I mean if you were out gardening and Jeff was hiding in the cucumbers just rock hard

and you're out there in the banana hiding in the cucumbers, just rock hard. You're out there in the banana mines and you slip and you fall. You'd be like, unless you were Jeremy because you're all lubed up, you know. I got that wet ass. Just go right in there. Yeah, that's funny. He's like apologizing to his date. Like, all right, now, if you listen to Chubby Behemoth, you might have a misconception. And then he whips it out.

The whole room goes black. She faints. The whole room. Yeah, I guess maybe he's just comparing it to porn dick so he's like yeah I'm like a C plus also when we were at that show someone walked up and it was like me and Becker and a couple other people were standing there like you know some well known local celebrities

and this guy walks up and he's like hey Jeff where's the bathroom which is some kind of weird swinger code and Jeff was like it's over there man you know but kind of weird swinger code. And Jeff was like, it's over there, man. You know? But I have no idea how he knew who Jeff was. I think you know.

I think Jeff's big in certain communities. Yeah, that's what it kind of came down to. Well, I am on X Hamster. What's that? A porn site. It's an amateur porn site. Oh. So if you guys want to look it up, you can go check it out.

Yeah, X Hamster. He did say we want to look it up, you can go check it out. Yeah, ex-Amster. He did say we shouldn't send it out to anyone. But too late, because the Patreon packages went out. No, I'm kidding. Oh, it's dick? We should have someone draw it, like a... An artist rendering? Yeah, like a police sketch. I guess, yeah. We should have a caricature artist

do it. So the dick has like a wig on. Yeah, it's riding a skateboard. The dick's in a go-kart. Make it fun. That would be the move. Oh, sadly, you know who would have been perfect is Heather Snow. She used to draw caricatures. Yeah, she's been dead for five years.

She's been dead for a while. Yeah. It might be too late to get her. I never saw her work. Yeah, I hated her. Never liked her. Yeah, fuck her, man. She had a great...

I'm kidding. I loved Heather's show. I know. She had a great... She really wanted it. Or we had a great... Well, yeah, I was going to say. She had a funny interaction with me before she started dating the dude that she was with

when she got sick and when she passed away. I can't think of the guy's name, but he was great. And she was very happy with him. But before that, but he was great and she was very happy with him but before that she was like dating and she was always frustrated with these fucking random idiots that she would go on dates with and one Tuesday we were at Comedy Works for New Talent night and we were in the back of a

club in the showroom and she's saying like I keep going on these dates with these fucking idiots or these assholes and I was like maybe it's time to date some women you know see if maybe you have a better connection with the ladies and she goes i want cock like a little a little too loud it was so funny and i got to tell that story at her memorial at the south club yeah i was like somebody get this woman some cock. Remember I lit you? I went long. Yeah, I did a couple too many impressions

of Heather's sad vagina. Yeah, she always did that joke about how she was only here to make volleyball players with me. Oh, yeah?

Because she was like 6'8". She used to be on the Globetrotters. She was lanky. Big girl, yeah. Powerful woman. She was like,

I want some cock. And Deacon came in the room and he was like, want some cock and Deacon came in the room and was like what? you right cock now they're in hell I wore Deacon's shoes at

Stick or Treat oh yeah do you want to tell people which famous comic you impersonated for the show? Yeah, it was America's Granddad, Bill Cosby. Yeah, that was pretty fun. Yeah, it was great.

I had a lot of fear before the show. I kept asking Becker, do I go as Adam Sandler? But the issue was I couldn't talk as Sandler. I could just do the noises. I could just go, yeah, buddy. Yeah, boo.

But being like, hey, Nathan, I can't do it. But I can just go, but being like, hey, Nathan, I can't do it. But I do it dead on Cosby, so it ruled. You do it hard on Cosby. Yeah, but I was Cosby from 1979, so luckily, no one knew. Did you have a bunch of caveats? You're like, alright, listen, this is Bill Cosby

before all of the stuff. Or you're like, this is Cliff Hoekstable, not Bill Cosby, the character, still pristine in reputation. Well, remember when, right before I went on stage,

and that young black gentleman came in, and you were like, uh-oh. Went from easy to hard real quick. It did, yeah. We were both hoping that he would scan the room and bail. Yeah, he was a Winston Zedmore

yeah he was actually dressed as the big Ghostbuster yeah did you were you looking at him

when you took the stage eye contact the entire time you were looking at him I just held eye contact

with him what was he doing fucking loving it dude he liked it yeah he started doing the robot that's not the robot

yeah no he left he was working there oh okay He was fucking loving it, dude. He liked it. Yeah, he started doing the robot. That's not the robot. Yeah. No, he left. He was working there. Oh, okay. It's funny if you're racist and you call black people Zedmores. Whoa, these Zedmores in here. Who does that?

No one. That's a bit. Probably Jeremy does it. That's still a bit. Yeah, you had an all-white room, and I still thought you were fucked. I thought you were going to walk a quarter of the people before you brought out the first comic. I was like, you motherfucker. Luckily, you didn't wear the wig. I didn't wear the wig. No black face, no wig. No. I thought it would have been funny if throughout the show I'm just eating different chocolate things. Bless you.

So I eat a pudding at the beginning, so there's a little bit of pudding around my lips. And then I eat a big chocolate cake and there's just some frosting up to my nose. And then I come back in and I have soot all over my face and I was like, I was just cleaning a chimney! Yeah, that might have been... It would have been a bold experiment. Well, as an artist, I get to take risks. Let's call it that, an experiment.

People were like, here's my hypothesis. Are you going to do blackface? It's like, no, of course not. I'm just going to do Bill Cosby. I'm just going to be America's most prevalent rapist, Bill Cosby. What's the big deal? Who cares? Yeah, pretty dangerous.

But hey, comedy's about taking chances. Yeah, man. I'm out here. I'm just a high wire act, just grasping at the next ring, swinging above the heads of all the paying customers. You're swinging for the fences. And yeah, you and Bukley did a great job of corralling all of the pigs in the pig pen. Yeah.

A few people bailed before their name was called. They didn't even scratch off their name from the list. Yeah, like Truffs and Joel had to go gangbang a quadriplegic woman so they couldn't be there. Bill Burr was supposed to be there, but he canceled. He had to go to a Truffs and Joel show. Truffs and Joel were like, we can't do it, we sold out our show at Lion's Lair. What's the capacity, eight?

What do you mean you sold it out? Your mom and her friends are coming? Shut up, Truffs. Yeah, we got nine and a half maybes on Facebook, so we're going to call it a sellout. Hopefully it was a good time. I bet it was a great show. And speaking of great shows,

you don't want to miss the Veil Comedy Show, November 19th. It's going to be a banger, a barn burner. Everyone's favorite, Mark Masters is running it. Get your tickets now at veilcomedyshow.com, everyone. It's a free show, but you do need to sign up in order to get the link to the show. And you need to have a Tor browser, because he does do it on the dark web um so get your bitcoin ready all right get in this red room it's a bitcoin hold it's not

a charge it's all temporary it's like you're uh getting a room at a hotel it's for incidentals uh yeah in case you get too much room service we're doing i think we're doing a three minute set it's a big lineup so we're gonna try to try to do maybe three, three and a half minutes. Yeah, but you know what? It doesn't matter, because the Vail Comedy Show, the best show ever. Hell yeah. Also, holdthephone.tv. No, no, no.

Fuck hold the phone. Oh, wait, this is... All right, we don't need hold the phone. We're all about the Vail Comedy Show on this show. All right? Hold the phone. Hold the phone. Look, sure they gave us fucking $1,500. All right, we don't need Hold the Phone. We're all about the Vale Comedy Show on this show. All right? Hold the Phone. Look, sure, they gave us fucking $1,500. All right.

You guys only saw $200 each. My bad. Shouldn't have let that out. Whoopsie. But no, we don't need them, man. We need the Vale Comedy Show on our side. If you do want to slum it, you know, if you're tired of pricing out letter jackets or mail order brides, maybe switch over to hold the phone.

Open up a new tab. Yeah, open up a tab and, you know, label it, this is the worst shit in the world. And, no, I'm kidding. Jake Brown and I did hang out the other night. Nice. Yep. Yeah. We wife swapped.

I broke Sam in half Jesus Christ some Sam on Sam violence I spun her like a top on the eighth day of Hanukkah look I'm just kidding I didn't fuck

Jake Brown's tiny wife alright that's holdthephone.tv thanks for listening sign up for our Patreon you get an extra episode yeah and they're good man some of our best episodes have been Patreon episodes

because we don't know it's not like we save up the good stuff for any particular encounter we just throw the spaghetti at the wall as Sam likes to say I do that's what I say I throw it at the w wall, as Sam likes to say. I do. That's what I say.

He says it too much. I throw it at the wailing wall as a protest against Palestine. You were in the film Religious. I was over there, yeah. I was Bill Maher's butt double. You were a PA. Yeah. Penis assassin. I just went around cutting the tips off of all the Hindus.

But here's the thing. Bill Maher's War Against Religion. You can watch it all, that great movie, on holdthephone.tv, everyone. It's great. And hey, if you want to get on the Patreon, $5 gets you the extra episode a week, $10 gets you an AMA,

and Sam's gambling tips are going out to the $10 and $20 people. Oh, shit. $20 gets you a package in the mail, and for $100, you can watch Alex Creasy fuck his girlfriend. All right? So it's worth every penny. And before you get excited about Sam's hot sports picks,

where are you at? I'm down about $7,000 since the NFL came back. But, look, people love a comeback. Right? People love to watch a Phoenix rise from the ashes. but look people love a comeback right? people love to watch a phoenix rise from the ashes and you know look

was I insane for taking the browns? minus 25? yeah alright but you gotta take some risks out there

but yeah remember 5, 10, 20 and 100 bucks 100 bucks gets to see you get to see Creasy blowing a load on his own balls cause his dick's

so afraid of that sweet, sweet, wet-ass pussy. And for 200 bucks a month you can meet Jeremy. You get a phone call from Jeremy. Jeremy will call a loved one or an enemy and just tell them about all the gas station coffee and his favorite songs. So, yeah.

Chubby Behemoth on Patreon, it's the shit. Hold the Phone, we love ya. Great shows, all the time, but not as good as the Vale Comedy Show. Which you can't see on Hold the Phone, because it's too good. You can see Hold the Phone shows, you can only see the Vale Comedy Show on Al Jazeera.

It's good.