Chubby Behemoth - Give Me Liberty

Episode Date: November 6, 2020

Pudding for the table. Outside and across the street. Egg white lie.   This weeks sponsor Hold The Phone! https://holdthephone.tv/   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth.

Hey everybody, welcome to another Chubby Behemoth podcast. The podcast sweeping the nation. I was recently interviewed for both Elle and Vogue. Whoa. Yeah, dude. Both times it was a wrong number situation. I played along, snuck in a couple of Chubby Behemoth plugs. That's great.

While pretending to be, what was it, Elle, Thought they were talking to some type of autistic fashion designer. And so I just said something about, you know, making statements with my garbage art. You know, we'll all be wearing banana peels as hats in 2022. Yeah, you were trying to sell turtlenecks without the sweater attached. It was just the neck. Which is a dickie. Is it? Yeah.

National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation. Randy Quaid is wearing a dickie. Now, why the fuck does that exist? Because when it was fashionable to have the turtleneck collar, a bunch of big-bodied fellas were like, that looks nice, but couldn't pull off wearing layers of sweaters. So it was for big, fat pigs who wanted to look like they were going to a poetry reading?

Or just a normal guy who was like, I could look cool and not be sweaty when I have to take it off later for a lady. What a dream that would be. My neck doesn't sweat like my pits do. What can I do? And then science, decades later, was able to come up with a satisfactory answer.

They had been repopularized by one of the characters on Big Bang Theory. Ooh, which one? Don't give it up. Spoiler alert. I don't know what their names are. Watch all 500 episodes. The one that's like...

More. The one that's mom's always yelling at him. Sheldon? Not Young Sheldon? Not Sheldon. Hmm. That's the only character I'm clear on the name of. I call it Old Sheldon.

Is it Horatio Sands? No. Is he on that? I'm just guessing people who might have been on that show. Oh, no. It's one of the main characters. Is it Bobby Moynihan? He wears them constantly under, like, western flannels.

Whoa. It's a look. Oh, with the bowl cut? Yeah, that guy wears them a lot, but it's, like, a constant thing, and it brought them, like, people are making them again. Is it Terry Fator? Oh, boy. I don't have that one in my wheelhouse.

Oh, that's, uh, he was one of the best puppeteers in the game. Oh. He got, like, a million dollars a year to do his puppet show in Vegas after he won America's Got Talent. Wow. It should just be called America's Got Puppets. Yeah. Puppets can't lose in this fucking country.

Yeah. America's Got a puppet fetish that's what that show should be called it's the one way they can sneak by all the jokes that aren't okay anymore

well it's the only way that you can have a little boy sitting on your lap and make him do whatever you want without getting in trouble because back in the day

that was just a show you would go to you'd have like an 8 year old Chinese immigrant and then like a 35 year old man and he'd be like

Hoopy what do you think and he'd be like I miss family. Uh-oh, someone didn't have enough rice. Okay, I got another one. Ready? You think that picked up? Yeah, 100%. All your farts pick up. We're doing a new thing.

Yeah, they pick up steam out of the butt. That's a lot of the time that Jake spends editing, is trying to muffle these damn farts when they're stepping on punchlines. Guys, just grab your butt sheet and then flap it, and you can have your own little butt sousaphone. It's pretty sick. I didn't know about this, and everyone's like, oh, that's old news, big deal.

That's fake news. No, it's real. But they don't stink when you do that. With your limited experience doing it three times. Well, since I figured out I could do it, I've done it about a hundred times. That was about four o'clock this afternoon. I raced to the store and bought a bunch of garbanzo beans. I was just like, I got to impress my friends. Check out my new move. I got a brand new thing. I wish I... Ventriloquist would be a pretty sick move.

Yeah. Yeah. It could have been, but I feel like now... The ship has sailed. Well, God, you would just be Jeff Dunham, but not. So either you're too close to him, or you have the one main thing in common, and then you're different, but not different enough. Yeah, I've got woke puppets that say things that middle America isn't ready to hear.

Don't gender me! All right, formerly Mr. Gazimir. Old person Gazimir, what do you think about the Jews? They're great! All right, you heard it here first, y'all. Mr. Gazimir, what do you think about the Jews? They're great! Alright, you heard it here first, y'all. Mr. Gazimir, whoops, excuse me. You're a transgender puppet. You switched the wigs.

I'm wigging out over here. That fart didn't stink, so that's good news. Put it in your files. Be sure to tell the research team. Good news. I've done the thing a dozen times. Hey Siri, text NASA. We've got a big development.

Bill Gates responds. We've been doing that for years. Who cares? He took a break from poisoning Indian kids. So I've been told we talk a lot about farts and cum. I've been told. And shit. Yeah, reports are saying

we're talking about cum and cumming in different ways. We came while shitting our pants. That time we thought we shit our pants and it was cum. So we're going to try and tone it down, all right? Oh, said in a bad way. No, they were like, look, I just want to let you guys know,

you guys talk about Indians every podcast and shitting your pants and cumming. And it's like, look, know your strengths, you know? Yeah, what else are we supposed to talk about? Yeah, dance with the person who brought you. What do you want me to do? Have cunning insights? Yeah, we should probably share our exercise regimens. Yeah, we should probably talk about the election.

Who cares? Let's talk about my erection that time I came and it was a bunch of diarrhea came out. When they call... Coming diarrhea? Oof. When they call... That's a 10th anniversary gift. When they call New diarrhea When they called That's a 10th anniversary gift

When they called New Hampshire I came And when they called Iowa I shit in my pants It was funny in the election when they were like Alright and the results are in and Kentucky is Trump That was like the first thing they said They didn't even tabulate one vote We're gonna go ahead and

Spoil this for everybody Kentucky went red If you had Kentucky you lost Tabulate one vote. We're going to go ahead and spoil this for everybody. Kentucky went red. If you had Kentucky, you lost. But yeah, the election, man. Holy cow. I'm sure no one's talking about it. I can't wait to vote.

When are you going to hit the polls? I want my voice to be heard. Yeah. I went to the polls and I said, can I have another sausage? Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Polish sausage. Yes. Thank you. I like the hot ones. Mm, can I have another sausage? Polish sausage. Thank you.

I like the hot ones. Man, how about a hot link? A little spicy? What about a hot link necklace? That'd be a fucking, with a stunt on them. Wear a bunch of kielbasa's around your neck. Go to like a, you know, a Globetrotters game.

Man, we were supposed to go to a Globetrotters game this year. Yeah, we were. We were going to go. Because you've gone. All the time. It's for everyone. You've been. I thought that they were... I came down the aisle to Sweet Georgia Brown. You dunked on

Emily? Yeah, I was spinning her on my finger. I have the original 45 of Sweet Georgia Brown. Oh, cool. Yeah, right. I do. Sure, alright. We've got a Ben Ritchie Georgia Brown. Oh, cool. Yeah, right. I do. Sure. All right, cool. We got a Ben Ritchie over here.

Yeah, it's like, oh, I've been to the moon. All right. Sweet Georgia Brown gave me his original tapes. So you have Sweet Georgia Brown on 45.

The original recording on 45. And what's that worth? I don't think it's worth that much. It's priceless. It's priceless. Trick question.

Play my butt. But it's worth that much. It's priceless. Trick question. Play my butt. But it's a touch slower. Well, the game was slow back then. It was all white. That was before they let black players on the Globetrotters. Another great Globetrotters game, 12 to 10. It was a nail-biter. Another great layup from Clancy Bigtooth.

Good old Clance. Jeremiah Taxpayer. Clance with what brought ya. Now, why don't you ever play it for us whenever we hang out? We don't hang out near my record player very often. Where do we hang out? In your antechamber? What are you talking about? Down here is most of where we hang out.

We've recorded countless pods in your living room, and granted, most of them haven't come out because Lund said something racist. We had to bury the tapes in the desert like a hard drive filled with child porn. Next time, I also forget that you're such a Globetrotters fan. How can you forget? It's my Twitter handle.

It's not pressing in my mind. Oh, I'm on Twitter so much. You're not on Twitter? Never. Then who have I been sending nudes to? It could be me. Fuck. I'm on it, technically.

You got catfished, Hunter. Dude, I got Beckfished. Yeah. You can be a Beckfish, too. Now, we had a fun development over the last couple days, which was my friend Jacob, big fan of the pod. He hit me up. He texted me. He says, I need to see a fan of the pod. He hit me up. He texted me.

He says, I need to see a picture of this Jake Becker guy. So I sent him a picture. Good picture. I think, were you at Tom's? Looked like you were maybe in Tom's. Oh, I think I'm at Sam's. He was wearing Tom's. Close enough.

Wearing Tom's. He had Tom's shoes on, yeah. Yeah, you were in a diner. Good picture of you. Representative picture of you. I'm thinking he's curious, you know, how many heads this guy has. Let me see the neck on this fella.

No. Earlobes. Tangling or attached? My friend responds with, so you're telling me that he is not a black man. And I thought that was hilarious. It's insane. It is insane.

Apparently, yeah, we blew his mind. I wonder what it was. I don't know. Maybe it's because of your rich, deep voice. Oh, yeah. It is insane. Apparently, yeah, we blew his mind. I wonder what it was. I don't know. Maybe it's because of your rich, deep voice. Oh, yeah. Your timbre. Okay. Maybe it's your choice in snacks.

I was going to say, I feel like my choice in snacks is a pretty weird old white guy, though. Well, Gushers. Oh, Bran? Gushers crossed the divide. This is true. Everyone's gushing, man. It's what really united the United States. It did.

I remember that fateful day when Obama became president. He threw gushers out to the crowd. Yeah, so that was interesting. They should have played Sweet Georgia Brown when... Well, and then five minutes after you sent me that, a homeless man called me the N-word. Whoa. So I thought maybe something was going on. What the hell?

Yep. Came to the window, askeded me for a coffee. Went to go get it. Then he said never mind I can tell you're an n-word and threw five dollars at my face. Which I kept. And then left. Homeless dude? Yep. Homeless dude.

Like pushing his bike. With money to spare. Not to spare. To toss it. Threw a five at my. Yeah it was a wild thing. And then the second I realized like oh that's kind of funny right after the text I just got. Yeah. Yeah, what's happening? What is happening? Was it your friend Jacob?

Was he on the hard times? No way, he's cool. Lots of burlap pushing a bike. You told me that Jacob says it. No. Jacob got to see me do one of the drunkest things I've ever done. He

is a great guitar player. For a while he was playing in a couple cover bands on the Strip. He lives in Vegas. And when I was still living there, went to one of his cover band performances. Did they charge a cover? No cover. That's what's weird about Vegas cover bands.

It's ironic, isn't it? Yeah. Especially when they play Alanis Morissette covers. There's no cover. It's very ironic. Yeah, the Lakers beat the Supersonics. Wouldn't you say? It's very strange.

They didn't beat the Globetrotters, though. So he was playing in this, I think it was Dick's Last Resort, where all the servers are assholes. Yeah, you walk in and they're like, what's up, you fat piece of shit? Yeah, what's up, lard ass? Did you roll here? How's it going to be to die alone, you dickless chimp? Pudding for the table?

Yeah, I'm going to be putting my dick in your wife's ass. You cuck. You want to watch me fuck your wife? Who had the side of sour cream? What a ridiculous concept. It rules. watch me fuck your wife who had the side of sour cream what a ridiculous concept it rules it's funny what's funny too that a lot of people expect the world from their servers but then if they know that that's the theme then they're into it and it's like why don't you just deal with regular

people in the middle as opposed to either the two extremes of customer service or oh yeah we tell you to fuck off but it's fun hey look Hey look, do you love Cheesecake Factory? Of course. Do you love calling your wife a bitch but you can't? Duh. We've got the solution for you. Dick's Last Resort. Come in here, you eunuch. Hey, do you sit on your balls

often? Looks like you do. Welcome to Dick's. I fucked your dad. So we're at Dick's and Dick's last resort is literally being nice to the customer. Like, that's where I draw the line. Yeah, so we're there and I get drunk.

And I'm in pants and pushed over by the manager. I start dancing around and while I'm dancing, I go over to tables where the people are gone but there's still food remnants to be bust. And you were like, I go over to tables where the people are gone, but there's still food remnants to be bust. And you were like, I'll handle this. Really? Yes! Oh, no!

I started, I would sashay to a table, grab a fry, do another little dance. You thought you were a smooth criminal. Oh, yeah. That's when I got the tattoo. And I got kicked out of Dix for being a volunteer busboy. For being everything they accused you of at Dix.

For sure, yeah, for proving that I was indeed a fat wad. Yeah, I got kicked out, and I was trying to kill time before I caught a flight. You were a jet-setting businessman who popped over to Dick's for some half-eaten hot wings. Yeah, dude. People don't know how to clean a wing in Vegas.

They're too busy to go piss in the Bellagio Fountain. That's on the itinerary so yeah I got the boot I got a cab to McCarran and got there at like the one you know the weird hour where they clean McCarran so they

so I couldn't go in to the airport because you were too fat the guy from Dix drove you there I hope you bought two fucking plane tickets you fat large uh but yeah so i had to i i had to wait outside and i passed out and got like kicked awake by a janitor who was like hey it's open now and then i like barely somehow made my flight i like you know uh I had my routine down already. So I had the boarding pass on the phone. So I didn't fuck it up.

Got through security. Not the first time a drunk person in Las Vegas got on a plane. Correct. Luckily did not blow it and missed the flight. Wow, what a harrowing journey. Yeah, it was pretty good. I like that it started at Dick's. Yeah, Dick's, man. Oh, man. I've definitely

been guilty of having little secret nibbles of leftovers at the table. Yeah. I've, honest to God, done this move once at a pho restaurant. If there's broth involved, you shouldn't finish stranger soup. But, yeah, don't put your lips on another person's

bowl. Oh, I didn't. I brought my own straw. I'm not insane. But I definitely once sent David Borey to the bathroom. I was like, hey, go to the bathroom and say you can't find it. And then he, like, called for the server, and she went over there. And then I hurriedly slurped up some leftover pho from a different table. What the fuck? Oh, wow.

What the hell? I was really hungry. I was in training. I'm so hungry. Yeah, I didn't want to pay another 14 bucks. That the hell? I was really hungry. I was in training. I'm so hungry. Yeah, I didn't want to pay another 14 bucks. That's rough. It was great. I got all the fun I could slurp.

And Borey looked too dumb to find a bathroom. Where's the toilet? Hey, where do I go shit? I got to go shit. And they were like, outside and across the street. Yeah, around the corner, but just made. You gotta go into that payless. Act like you're looking for shoes.

Look, the Starbucks is across the street. Here's the code. And then there's the chode. Look at his dick. Wait, am I in dicks? They pull back a banner. You're in dicks. Been here the whole time, you stupid black.

What? Well, I choked. While laughing, I also wanted to say... I know what you wanted to say. No, that they had a good commercial with Papa Roach. For dicks? For dicks. Whoa.

Cut my life into pieces. This is Dick's Last Resort. Dun-dun. It was pretty good. You're a fat guy. Dun-dun. Your wife hates you. Dun-dun.

Cool head. Dun-dun. Gay son. Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun. Cool head, idiot. Yeah, the guy's first date is at Dick's Last Resort. He's trying to figure it out. da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da- Start with the head and work your way down. Oh, incongruent eyebrows, I see. A lot of times you see a fat guy and you think, all right, I should make fun of his big gut. But you can go the other way and point out his tiny neck.

That's right, yeah. That's good, man. That's what you've got to do is you've got to find the window that hurts the most. So if somebody's fat and you don't call them fat right away, you call them ugly, then they're like, oh, God. And then you don't even mention that they're fat. And the whole time they're doing the work for you, you're in their head rent-free. That's right, man.

You're just up there fucking on the balcony smoking cigs. You don't care about the deposit. You're in their heart stent-free. Yeah, unlike them. You're just busting out valves. How about that restaurant, the Heart Attack Cafe in Vegas? Yeah, just tempting for you.

Right there on Fremont. And you have to literally get on a scale before they let you in. Yeah, because the price depends on your weight. If you're over 300, you eat for free. Nice. How many times were you down there? That's not the point.

With a bunch of change in your pockets? That's right, yeah. A bunch of lead ing knots underneath my head. I'm 297, goddammit. Sir, take off the stovepipe hat. We know what's under there. Yeah, that place sucks. They make you wear a gown.

They have a bunch of little people in there. You have to have your butt out. Yeah, for sure. No undies. And they feed your wrong mouth. They come up and they're like, you look hungry. They're talking to your butt.

Am I in a dicks everything's satisfactory can we get you a bib sir looks like your gravy's dripping we were giggling about a like a you know a big fat guy and you have to roll them around and then every time you roll them a bunch of insure comes out of his mouth just, just a steady stream of dribble. And it's always like white and foamy. Yeah, because all their vitamins are coming from the little half can of Ensure a day. Yeah, because they're trying to not die right away. Then put on top of all of the porridge.

It'd be better if we could name the name of the person we were talking about, but we can't. We're not pure evil. This isn't a Dick's last resort. Hey, was this your last resort, working here? Thanks for't. We're not pure evil. This isn't a Dick's last resort. Hey, was this your last resort, working here? That's not your son. Oh, I'm sorry. I fucked your wife.

When? While you were in the bathroom. Wiping the shit out of your mouth. Shit-eating cuck. They just come in your food and they're like haha gotcha I'm excited for Dick's Airline where they suggest everybody

get a second seat just everybody if you're a little guy they put you in the overhead bin you'll be fine in here and sir it looks like your luggage

is talking to me hey that's my wife when when we were when we were getting on the plane to leave to come home from paris i don't know if you remember i got very mad because there was a gentleman that you know one of the last people to be on the plane and not sitting down yet he's just like hanging out and i was in the aisle waging a secret war in your head well it wasn't that secret once i came upon him because he had two big suitcases in the aisle and i had my

carry-on with me you know and i can't i can't yeah i had chris in a bag and i can't i couldn't get around him easily and instead of trying i just said fuck it and i tripped over his suitcases and fell yeah do you remember of course i ate shit yeah it was the dumbest thing i've ever seen because i was like mad at him and i was like oh and that was your way to get back at him yeah mr bean your way onto the plane i'm mr bean disaster i fell and he was like oh god i'm so sorry and i was like yeah forget it you got his ass sorry. And I was like, yeah, forget it. You got his ass. And I, yeah, I don't think I'll bet he's still thinking about me.

Yeah, I'm sure. He was like, man, I hope that special needs guy's okay. He didn't see my two giant bags. I hope that guy didn't eat his suitcase. All the blood would have rushed to my head, but I had compression socks on thanks to Mel. Mel gave me some compression socks brother-in-law mel and friend of the sister of the where these are you'll die he bangs my sister that's his job

that's right that's his role in the family uh yeah i think those might have saved me because uh it's a long flight and i didn't want my feet to fall asleep. Because then I would have shit my pants. Have you had to shit on an airplane before? Oh, no. You never have? That's why I bring the bag. An empty carry-on? An empty backpack, yeah.

Man, it's not fun. I can't sit down in there. I don't think you could. Yeah, you would have to use the sink. Oh, yeah. Or maybe if there's a medicine cabinet behind the mirror that you could... I just go into the cockpit. Just shit in your hand.

I'm like, fellas, we're about to 9-11 this thing. You can live the day you're never going to forget. I don't have a box cutter, but I do have a turd cutter. It's right here. It's winking. Check out this thing I can do. We got some turbulence coming from the south. More like turbulence.

It's here. It's an ambulance that comes to collect your turds. We got a live one. Yeah, no, I've never pooped. I would have to poop in the sink. Yeah, it's not easy, for sure. It's a very small little toilet. Yeah, and I'm too big to be on a plane in the first place.

One of the most... They should make me travel by wagon train. Well, I was going to say, I have had to watch someone sit next to you on a plane, and it's always very stressful because these people have to deal with you sleeping and just flopping wherever. Like, you're on them.

Yeah, I'm like a fucking Italian soccer player on a plane. Yeah, you're flopping. You're acting like you just got shot constantly. That's right. Flailing your arms and legs. Night terrors, regardless of the time of day. And once you fall asleep, you don't wake up easily. So these people...

And if I do wake up, it's furious. You're pissed. Yeah, you're mad at them. Grr, grr, grr. Down! I'm sorry, he's with me. Yeah, I have to explain. You just have pretzels at the ready.

You have a Stroop waffle you just frisbeated into my mouth. That ought to hold them. I got messed up once on a flight with these two women who were volleyball moms. Their kids had a tournament or whatever. And you were on their kid's team, but you looked like you were 28. I was coaching them. But yeah, no, these two women were very fun, and they were drinking, and they had Xanax. Oh, yeah, classic.

I asked them for some Xanax, and they were too giving. And this was when I was still drinking, so I had like a couple of whiskey. You mean the majority of your life? Hell yeah. Yeah. Well, yeah, but I like to let people know. Sure. So I was drinking, and I was getting these Xanax from these women, and I'm like, I'm a big boy.

Multiple Xans? Yeah, they gave me several. Bars or footballs? They were little tinies, and I'm like, I'm a big boy. Multiple Xans? Yeah, they gave me several. Bars or footballs? They were little tinies, so I had like four. Yes. So I ended up having like two milligrams or something. Love it. It wasn't a ton, but I got fucked up.

Of course. My brother picked me up from the airport. Did you come to with your hand in one of their bras? No. You're like, baby want milk? I'm a backdoor specialist now. No, they were cool, and we had a good time. But yeah, I got messed up.

My brother said, when I picked him up, or when he picked me up, every three minutes I would just be like, so, you doing alright? Everything been good? And then he would tell me. Yeah, I would just reset. I was on a loop. I was all looped up. I'm surprised you didn't make him, you forget you went through

the In-N-Out drive-thru already. Jeremy, we gotta go through the In-N-Out drive-thru already. Jeremy, we gotta go through the internet drive-thru. The internet drive-thru? What's your brother's name? Jason. Jason. J-Boy. Jeremy's our friend from the pod.

Jeremy is one of your characters that is going to be a puppet soon. Jeremy could wear the shirt that says, give me liberty or give me head, and then it feels organic when you go to the merch pitch. He should just wear a shirt that says, wops, and then it says, get out. And then it's an X over the Italian flag. I don't want to be there. People responded to Jeremy. They liked him.

They were like, less farts and cum more Jeremy yeah uh wait but that doesn't make sense because Jeremy's all about that gas station coffee yeah and that wet ass pussy and the loose cheeks

that it uh that it uh leads to yeah we don't need to revisit Jeremy let's deep dive it do a 30 for 30 on Jeremy

oh you know what I meant to share with you oh what oh dude oh dude what easy man what a rush uh i read today that the producers of the last dance are uh finishing up a documentary on stone cold steve austin the rattlesnake yes it's supposed to come out next year which means but the only thing that sucks is that either they haven't been filming for very long or they did but kept it

completely secret and that's what I want I'm hoping that they've been following him since like 2002 but I don't think that'll be the case so it won't be as

crazy epic as The Last Dance fuck but even if it's just the last couple years as long as they could get the old footage yeah

then it would be sick. Or if they have to do recreation and they hire me. You're stone cold? I'm stone cold, yeah. You would have to be maybe Earthquake. I'd be Typhoon. Big John Tentum. It'd be funny if you were a kid's cancer doctor.

And you have a bunch of sad families in the waiting room and you have to go give them bad news but whenever you enter the waiting room the Stone Cold music hits. We lost to Mrs. Jacobs.

Hand her a beer. Yeah. Crack it open. Pour it over her son's head. But yeah, so that's exciting news. That's something to hold out for. Yeah, it's another reason not to swallow a bullet. Yeah, hang around for a little bit.

It could be fun to watch a documentary about old Stone Cold. But don't hang yourself for a little bit, all right? Even if you're jerking, don't do it. You ever do that? No. You ever think about it? All the time. Don't do it.

You ever do that? No. You ever think about it? All the time. It's like heroin where it's like, I could die, but it could be awesome. What's better, Jake? Jerking off with a belt around your neck or heroin? I've never done it with a belt around my neck. Okay.

Shoelace. I've never choked myself while beating off. I can barely beat off without passing out. I'd for sure die. I'm like John Popper. Jerking off limp. That sucks. Wearing a fishing vest.

Exactly. Playing harmonica while whacking. The old mouth piano. He's thin now. John Popper. Him and Kevin James. Kevin Smith. Kevin Spacey. Which woman would you rather be?

Kevin Spacey got fat. Yeah, fat on Boycom. That's his ensure. How dare you roll me down this hill. Oh! Don't you boy cum? I'm not nearly fat enough to be rolled down this...

Excuse me, my dinner is disagreeing with all the boy cum in my tum. My tum's loaded with B-cum. So yeah, I don't know if that works so I'm going to the game tomorrow guys what game? going to the Elizabeth Cardinals versus the dreaded Inglewood Pirates game tomorrow that's tomorrow night it's a big deal

just blasting glory days I think I'm going to get drunk before I go in tie a little buzz on I think I also want to get drunk before I go in. Tie a little buzz on. I think I also want to give a speech at halftime to the boys. I know you want to, but do you think you'd be able to? I'm just going to fucking take the mic from Coach Buzz. Before the coach gets to talking. Well, hold on.

Settle down, Coach. Hey, I'm going to do a little crowd warm-up. Fellas, who's ready to laugh? They're down by 15 it's homecoming is it homecoming no okay

they wouldn't let me near if it was homecoming I'd go in there strapped with an AR on me what yeah dude just fucking mow them all down don't give a shit

why cause it's homecoming man we don't lose on this field take that you pirates don't tread on me give. Take that, you pirates. Don't tread on me. Give me liberty or give me head. You get to scream that?

Instead of screaming? Before mowing down children with a gun? Fine, we'll give you head. Too late. I just came. It's about the power! I can't imagine that anybody's going to be stoked that you'll be there. I'm going to help with drills. I'm excited for you.

I'm going to be in there. I'm going to be running with the DBs, doing back pedal drills. Did you guys call them down-ups or up-downs? Up-downs. I feel like that might be a regional thing. I think down-ups is a volleyball thing. I feel like we called them down-ups. Because you go down first.

Well, but you start. On each other. See, this was a thing we did on the field. This was a locker room exercise you guys would do. This was a warm-up as opposed to a cool-down? Yeah, we used to call those Kevin Spaceys. And our coach would be like, this guy's dick's too short. Sorry, I've got to get back to dicks.

He worked at dicks when he wasn't coaching us on how to give head to each other in the locker room. Dan Sarkovich was always first in line. Just does it to himself. Yeah, no, we never did down-ups. We did burpees.

Did you call them burpees? We would call them burpees, up-downs. When you were in high school. We'd call them kick-cats, the them burpees, up-downs. When you were in high school. We'd call them Kit Kats, the term burpee was around. I thought that was like a CrossFit original. No, no, burpees. Like 2006. If we got in trouble in high school, we had to do 100 burpees,

100 yard somersault, and 100 yard bear crawl. You want to get me to burpee? Just roll me around for a little bit. I'm probably going to get a little discombobulated. All this oatmeal is coming out of me. And some cream of weed is going to come shooting out of something. Yeah, man, we had to run a big three in the rain one time because I'm sure I've talked about that.

Talked to your dick? No. Did that result in any punishment? No, that resulted in a bunch of high fives. Yeah, you were crowned prom king. I talked to it. And then our defensive backs coach came out with Yeah, you were crowned prom king. He tucked it. And then our defensive backs coach came out with a magnifying glass and he says, I'll find it. And I dug my dick out from between my legs, put a monocle on it.

So, no. One time, have I talked about hazing that kid who had to move out of the state after we hazed him? I don't believe so. Becker? Fact checker? I do not believe so. Okay, well, yeah, me, there was a thing called a, you guys heard of a power sit-up?

Yeah. Yeah, Peyton Manning did that to a woman. He did? Yeah, remember? He got a bunch of shit for it. It was like his last season or right after.

Yeah. He did that while he was a Bronco? No, no, no, when he was in college. Oh, that's fucking sick. It was like an assistant. It's not sick. It is too to a's fucking sick. It was like an assistant. It's not sick. It is, too, to a woman?

That's like next level. Did a power sit-up. Have you ever done one? They're really hard. No, I have not. Here, let me show you how to do it. Okay. Let me get my blindfold on.

So, yeah, you get a towel. Kid's in a sit-up position. Well, you have someone do it first. So, like, Becker would get down and sit up you'd be the kid we're trying to break into the fraternity that is football not the mark

you're just the freshman who got to go to Wyoming football camp because our second string quarterback broke his leg skiing so yeah you're on your back I hold the towel over your face you do a sit-up we're both in on it

so you struggle a little but you eventually do it. And then we get Lund down, cover his face with the old towel, and then you go to do the sit-up, and while your eyes are covered, I pants myself. And put my big brown clown, spread him right over your face.

Eagle has landed. And as you're struggling to do a sit-up, being restrained by the towel, we rip the towel off and you go smack right into my asshole. Yeah, dude. Old four, two foreheads Manning did that in college. And then the girl was like, I'm going to complain, obviously. Well, she shouldn't have been on the team.

And he got her fired. Good. So, yeah, he's a monster. Why is that a monster? That's just boys being boys to girls he was he fucked up that's called equality that's what feminists are fighting for it's the right to be given a power sit up

I want to be in on it nah I think she probably could have done without anyway that kid had to move because he went so deep in my ass. He was never able to see again. He went from 20-20 to 0-0. And his nose broke off. Because I had such powerful cheeks back then.

You cut his nose off to spite his face? It was to spite his entire being. It wasn't just his face. But yeah, he moved back to Tennessee. And we had to run for it in the rain in Wyoming That's where Peyton was Maybe this is the kid who taught Peyton He got it again Oh he shit now

Timeline doesn't add up Wait let me do the math Yeah it'd be funny if he gets back to Tennessee And he's like well we're gonna cheer you up son You're gonna meet Peyton Manning We know it's been tough this last three months having to leave schools, but you're going to go meet Knoxville football star, lead volunteer, Peyton Manning. Peyton's like, oh, you look like a strong little sumbitch.

You ever going to power sit up? Yeah, how's your core? Grab his legs, fellas. Put a wig on him. Yeah, pretty crazy stuff in old Tennessee. Yeah, pretty crazy stuff. In old Tennessee. Yeah, it's cool over there. There's a quality.

That's all I'm saying. What else? Well, have I said give me liberty or give me head yet? Because we're going to sell those t-shirts and you're not going to get a dime of them.

I don't get to have them. Are you okay? You're thinking about how cool it would be to wear that t-shirt to your next arraignment? I was thinking about... Next time you get to see

your son in Philadelphia? Your son with AIDS. Little Tom Hanks Jr. Tom Spanx. His meat. Into your mouth. You blow your son. I'm saving the pot. Uh oh.

Back to cum talk. Well, we don't want to be talking about cum too much. Alright? There's other stuff we can talk about. What about any nice recipes you learned recently? Nah, I don't do a lot of cooking. Megan is really good at cooking. She likes to cook. Nice. So she typically is the one that's going to make some stuff.

My specialty is a nice fried egg sandwich. I can do that on a bagel. Wow, do you do egg in the hole? No, just fried egg sandwich. I can do that on a bagel. Wow. Do you do like egg in the hole? No, just fried egg. Fried egg. What's your oil you're using? Is it butter? Is it olive oil?

Okay, that's your fat. I do butter. What temp are we talking in the pan? We're talking medium high. We're talking slow cook. Yeah, I usually would do like a six. Oh, fuck yeah, nice all right just takes like now we're cooking eggs okay you flip it yeah uh i'm pretty good yeah because uh if i do it right

i can cut the sandwich in half and then still and miss the yolk so you're you're you're you're busting that yolk with your teeth. No fucking way. When I do it right. When I'm on my game. Dude. When I'm Jordan level dialed in. That is fucking awesome, guys. I can do that. Cool.

But then the yolk's all on one half. I'm just making sure I'm picturing it right. There's two eggs in the sandwich, stupid. No, there's not. He actually just exposed me. What? So you're cutting it into like three quarters and a quarter no this is what actually happens all right i cut the fucking yolk with the knife i don't

you don't you don't bust the yolk with your mouth it's already busted i bust the yolk with the knife okay god forbid this podcast should be called Sam Lies for an hour and everything's fine I try to get away with a little tiny white lie just a little bit

of a feel and Jake is on it like Zapruder back checking my ass well I didn't I thought there was two eggs I was like

that makes sense of course when he said two eggs I felt silly yeah that made sense I thought he was

the idiot well no oh spoiler alert lun's the idiot i thought i could look cool for two seconds but no why is that your go-to to look cool it sounded like a pretty cool move i still think the egg on one side is a cool move but you'd have to have two no one egg would be fine i was just making sure i was picturing it right because i was trying to picture how you cut the yolk without it dripping. You just throw the other half away. Yeah. You only get half a sandwich at a time.

You're fucking insane! Why? What do you mean, why? Because I tried to get away with a little bit of a... Just a little story that's... It was an egg white lie. A bit tall at the tail. Damn!

Sucks. Damn, dude! I got caught, alright? Holy shit! Now I have to apologize for the next year and a half. I gotta make a video with a southern accent like Kevin Spacey drinking out of a mug with the Queen's emblem on it. Here's the nub, folks. Sometimes people lie

to get what they want. Ooh, boy boy i lied to paint a slightly different picture than reality yeah well dude you fucking you got me good well so yeah i can do that and i can i can fucking bake a frozen pizza and that's it that's all i got for putting food on the table fuck dude how do you bake the pizza? How do I bake the pizza? I don't want to reveal all my secrets. How do you slice that pizza? God damn. What an insane thing that was right there.

When I eat a frozen pizza by myself, I don't cut it up. I just eat it whole. Yeah, of course. I just grab it and I just eat. I just enter it. What about these people who will put a piece of pizza on top of another piece of pizza and then they eat it like two slices at once like a closed face sandwich? Wow. You ever seen this? I don't like this. Just eat both pieces separately. It's better.

Or get a bigger slice and fold it. Right, but... It saves time if you stack them. But if you're eating pizza, you're on your time. I only got 15 minutes. I gotta get back to the fucking Hallmark store. Naughty, this is a Corona commercial. Alright? You don't have to be anywhere. Working in the Hallmark store. Hallmark store.

Are you writing the cards or are you packaging the cards? Selling the cards. No, I'm on the floor. I'm organizing. I'm grabbing the sorry for your loss, putting it back in the bereavement section. Yeah. You know, somebody tries to think that they're going to pull one over on me and, you know, cause confusion. They should make Dick's Last Resort Hallmark's card.

Where it's like, you know, it's like, oh, I'm sorry your son died in that fire. And you open it and it's like you know it's like oh I'm sorry your son died in that fire and you open it and it's like not it's a pop up and there's flames yeah a little it's one of those ones that has sounds cards that scare you and you record his voice into it it burns

I knew I shouldn't have fallen asleep microwaving an egg for my sandwich that I definitely can cut in half without the yolk bleeding out. And I get the yolk with my teeth. I'm Nathan. Golly. I've been laid bare. I've been exposed.

I'm loving it. Yeah, I'll bet. You love seeing a titan fall. I do, man. Especially with the bangles last week. My legs cut off. off well it's just fun because i'm everyone's like oh sam's stupid sam's dumb sam hasn't told one fucking truth in his entire life he's never had sex his penis is actually a vagina and it's huge uh he's never

shit his pants in front of a bed and breakfast spot. He's never eaten his own jizz and said it was frosting when he was busted by his pastor. Everyone's always calling me out, but this one time you got got. Ready? Pulled a pin on a butt grenade. Oh no, that's a real hut burner. Ooh, throw that into the orphanage.

Yeah, well. it actually feels good. To lie? No, to be free from the facade that I've had to, you know, maintain. I get it, man. You're not perfect, and it's okay. I didn't even win that spelling bee in the county fair. I lied. I got disqualified.

You're like Trump. You're lying about things you've won that I haven't. I won that three-legged race. Easy, Anderson Cooper. Hey, man. I am gay. Gay for the truth. You got me.

And that's fine. But, yeah, that's like the only... I'm a one-trick pony in the kitchen. I can do a fried egg sandwich if that's what Megan... If that sounds good to her, she'll put me to work. Otherwise, she's in there. But, yeah, you're the gourmand. Oh, I can do anything.

I'm literally the best at everything, and I can't be stopped. You got into it. I don't get into it that much. I eat like a little kid. You know what I eat a lot? Taffy. Is just a piece of bread. Maybe just a tortilla.

What? Yeah, just a raw, just a fucking flour tortilla. Do you heat it up? Sometimes. Who the fuck are you? Sometimes it's dark. It's the middle of the night

and I don't want to turn a light on. So I just... You just tiptoe like a cartoon mouse. I just sneak into the kitchen and I have some tortillas playing. Megan's like, what are you doing in there? You're like, jerking off. Shut up.

Yeah. Mind your business. This is my time. God, I didn't get... Dude, let me put the bag back on your head. I'll put the brindle back in your mouth. The brindle? Yeah.

Isn't that what it's called? You put it in a horse's mouth? Bridal? Bridal. Bridal shower. Brindle. Yeah. Isn't that what it's called? You put it in a horse's mouth? Bridal? Bridal. Bridal shower. Brindle is a dog. It's the marbleization of the dog's skin. Is this another one of your lies?

I'm sure it is. This is real. Yeah, okay. I know this because I had to kill dozens of stray dogs one time. News was there. They interviewed me. Local man going for the record. How many brindles can he kill

with just this little garden shovel? Let's find out. Yeah, that was me. Nathan, what did you have to prepare for this? Well, I made an egg sandwich and I cut through the middle of it and the yolk didn't come out. Oh, lie alarm going off.

Let's try it out again. Tell us another truth. Let's see if the lie alarm goes off. I've never called a Jewish person the K-word. Oh, lie alarm going off. Uh-oh. I've never fucked my little brother. Lie alarm going off.

Oh, no. you plugged your little brother speaking of plugs we have another hot show to call out everyone look

you know it you love it it's the Chubby Behemoth Patreon okay that's really all that matters get on there we've got so many

great goddamn episodes we interviewed we had Doug Benson we had Get on there. We've got so many great goddamn episodes. We interviewed... We had Doug Benson. We had the Bagel Boss on there. We had John Henson. We had John Henson. Former host of Talk Soup.

Yeah. Was that him? Yeah, John Henson. Whoa, I was thinking of Jim Henson. No, Jim Henson died a long time ago. What? He's dead? Yeah.

He stabbed himself in the heart like Elliot Smith. Elliot Smith copied Jim Henson. Oh, plagiary? Yeah, when it came to the... He plagiarized his ass? When it came to the end, yeah. Well, I guess technically Jim Henson didn't commit suicide because

the puppet, you know, the puppet had a little knife. So it was technically murder. Well, look, hey, speaking of suicide, if you guys do not go to holdthephone.tv and watch the Fun Time Boys Game Time Night Spectacular, I'm going to fucking kill myself and my wife. All right?

And I'm going to do it on holdthephone.tv. So either way, you have to tune in, okay? And how will I do it? I'm going to sit on her head, and I'm going to say, look, my butt's your hat, and she's going to try and bite her way out, and that's just going to turn me on because she's biting my butthole. And then as I do put the gun in my mouth and pull the trigger, I'll be rock hard, and then I'm going to come all over my sister,

who's also there, because she has to bear witness for the insurance. So if you don't want that to happen, watch HoldThePhone.tv, the Funtime Boys Game Night Spectacular. And this is not a game. This is life and death, all right? If you don't watch this, murder-suicide. It's coming your way. One less doctor in a world that desperately needs medical professionals. Yeah, and one less truth-teller. One less doctor in a world that desperately needs medical professionals. Yeah, and one less truth teller.

One less fucking fat comic. Did you get the job at Dick's? I'm interning. Yeah, we'll see. One less fat piece of shit who does too many act outs. One less guy who does bad crowd work instead of writing jokes will be on the earth.

And speaking of bad crowd work, Doug Benson's on the Funtime Boys Game Night Spooktacular. Look, how many tweets is this guy gonna read? Find out. Also, Stefan Heck. Aw, heck yeah! Finally, Stefan's on HoldThePhone.tv.

Chase Mitchell, more like chasing my wife around the house so I can hold her down and sit on her head until she suffocates. Nicole Thurman. Thurman Thomas. Buffalo Bills. Buffalo Bill, the murderer from Silence of the Lambs.

Tucking it. So I'm going to tuck it in and sit on my wife's face until she dies of lack of oxygen. Dana Schwartz. Jewish. Akilah Hughes. You better believe I'm going to kill my wife

unless you watch HoldThePhone.tv, guys. Lund? What else is there to be said? Check it out. I mean unless you watch HoldThePhone.TV, guys. Lund? What else is there to be said? Check it out. I mean, you've got the website. Yeah. So, yeah.

Free shows. Watch it, man. And all these are benefiting the Southern Poverty Law Center, who I donate to on a monthly basis because I'm better than everyone. And I always have done that. Yeah. SPLC. I just give them 50 bucks and they keep me off their database. So I appreciate that.

You can say whatever you want. Oh, I'm saying it. But you won't hear anyone saying it on HoldThePhone.tv because they don't believe in free speech and they're all censored, even though Jake Brown says it all the time when he's hitting his wife. But I'm not going to hit my wife.

I'm going to make my button into a mask, and I'm going to put it on her like a luchador, and she's going to die a Rey Mysterio-less death inside my butt. So if you don't want that, if you believe in women and powering, don't make me give my wife a power sit-up to death,

like Peyton Manning did that girl in Chihuahua. And watch HoldThePhone.television, y'all. What up? Yeah. Thanks for listening. That's another episode in the can, in Sam's monstrous, vacuous, cavernous can. Like my wife's face is going to be if you don't subscribe to the Patreon, too.

Cause of death. Butt cheek-itis. She got pink eye in her lungs. She has pink nose somehow, officer. I don't know. Where's your wife, sir? Don't look in my butt. She's definitely not down there.

No clues there. Sir, please take the blanket off of this wagon that you're sitting in. But yeah, Chubby Behemoth on Patreon does fucking rule. We're really kicking ass. Look, five bucks a month, that's all you need, you dirty grunt. Okay? Buy one less pair of panties and a bus stop. Not a bad deal.

Yeah. Buy one less drifter a pair of socks that reminds you of your mom. And fucking get on our Patreon. It's easy. Yeah. Even a caveman could do it. Grok like extra content. Get that fucking content.

I'm tired of you guys not buying that fucking content. Buy us a house. Come on. Or I'm going to kill Lun's wife too. Damn, dog. Sucks.