Chubby Behemoth - H.A.D.

Episode Date: October 9, 2020

3 wasted, 1 judgmental. Elizabeth Prom date. Tree peeling.   This weeks sponsor Hold The Phone! https://holdthephone.tv/   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth.

What about a marketing whiz who is in the business of marketing his own urine? Look at how clear this is. You can barely tell it's piss until you taste it. You have to take a taste. It comes with a straw. You don't know until it's too late. It's only clear enough so that you can convince your friends to have a drink of water or something. Yeah, it's prank clear.

No foam, no bubbles. So how's your marketing job going well not very well i gotta tell you the truth my products aren't moving fucking uh too thick too cloudy it's funny to think of the guy from madman what was his name draper don draper don draper being like double d's okay here's the plan a bunch of people smoking cigarettes. That show is pretty annoying because it's about people coming up with cool commercials and shit. It's like, yeah, who cares? I think it's about the golden age of misogyny.

It is, that too. That's what you liked about it. Yeah, exactly. Women didn't talk that much. There's too much ice in this drink, you throw a fucking tumbler at her face. Well, he does come up with slick advertising campaigns i should respect him he did figure out to sell cheerios gather the family around what if we had a honeybee

saying hey i shit honey all over these things give him a try i've been coming honey for years and now you're gonna eat it honey Nut. The nuts. The bee nuts. You're done it again, Don. Oh, I wanted to come in hot in the style of a guy I went to high school with. This dude, Ben Ritchie. You want me to start it off and then you come in hot? No, we started it off and now I'm coming in hot. Okay, come in hot. With a warm setup for coming in hot, though.

A warning. Milk toast warming. Coming in hot is what those bees keep doing on my breakfast cereal. Oh, it comes out so hot. Hot honey? Ooh-wee. That's a good chicken wing sauce is hot honey. Because you want the sweet, you want the hot.

You can only have one flavor per six order of wings. That's the governor's day. Some of these sticklers. Yeah, the CDC says, all right, no more splitting into two flavors. You've got to pick one. Also, if you're going to lick any kind of condiment off a drifter's body. Hot honey? Hot honey, yeah.

So you don't taste the Band-Aids. Well, yeah, and also they're salty enough. You don't need soy sauce on a drifter back. Right, right, right. When you're holding his head in the toilet as you cum. Lemon pepper with some sweat on there. It's just going to dissolve. So, yeah, this dude Ben Ritchie was

Tell the folks at home about Ben Ritchie. Well, we went to high school together. This kid was a real piece of work. He was like one of nine children in his family, but almost every other... Yeah. So yeah. That's a lot of hot honey. A lot

of little babies popping out of vajayjays over there. But almost all of them were twins. There were, like, four sets of twins. Jesus. It might have been, like, three sets of twins and then two non-twins. Did he come from circus folk? Eight total. I don't...

I can't remember the parents, but... Yeah, you know that they were a couple. We didn't need that much of their DNA getting shared. Well, you know how that happens. Dad was a twin. And then him and his twin brother were pulling the old... Double. Yeah, they. Well, you know how that happens. Dad was a twin, and then him and his twin brother were pulling the old... Double. Yeah, they were like, you know, they would... I could go again,

honey, if you want, but it's Harold instead of Kumar. He's reaching for the hot tag. The legion of womb. And, uh, so yeah, he was one of the only non-twins, and I feel like it made him invisible at his house. Yeah, and also he lost a lot of three-legged races at the reunion.

Nobody was teaming up with him for Go Fish, for the, you know, pin the tail on the donkey. So he would come in hot almost every Monday in high school. He would just, like, have some crazy shit, some story that happened to him. And it got to, you know, pretty quick where it was the routine you know we expected something and he i can only remember one time one story but it was so fucking dumb he said you know we're like hey ben happy monday what's up what happened he's like oh boy so i spent most of saturday defending the house from a bunch of stray dogs. Like a ton of stray dogs. This pack of wild dogs that... Just killed your other friend's mom in the park. There's a theme going in my life.

It's tangential packs of wild dogs. It's because you're the alpha man. They're just looking for me. They're trying to kill me so that the new generation can lead. But I'm holding them down from afar. But yeah, so Lund with another one of his pack of wild dog stories. Yeah, you sound like Ben Ritchie. But Ben Ritchie says in his neighborhood, his neighborhood is besieged by, I believe

we got him up to, because at first it was like 20 dogs, but we're like, are you sure there weren't more? First period, it was seven dogs. Right. By lunch, it was 130 dogs. It's exponential. Yeah. No feral pigs, but stray rabid dogs.

It got up to maybe, I think, 200 dogs. And he's just standing on his porch with 22. He's on his roof. He's on his roof with a couple guns. Pouring gasoline into two leaders. He's killing dogs left and right. Like all day. In Henderson, Nevada?

Yeah, in the desert where dogs love to pack up and roam. That's the only way they survive. Eating scorpions. A lot of chihuahuas in southern Nevada. Stray dog culture. I know about it. I lived there. Chihuahuas are popular. And then also pit mixes. The eight-year- I lived there. Yeah. Chihuahuas are popular. And then also like pit mixes.

Yeah, that ate their owners. Fighting dogs. Now they're on the lease somehow. A lot of pit bull landlords, you know, getting property through intimidation, through jaw strength, really. I mean, you're going to work at a bank and say no to a pit bull looking at you,

a pit bull in a suit, you know? His credit score is pretty good. I feel like we have to let him on this building. Here's a letter of rec from Clifford. So yeah, the visual was a young Ben Ritchie keeping his family safe, all these vulnerable twins, just a bunch of, what is it? Not dominant. What's the... Fraternal?

No, no, no. Like, their genetic material has to be... Recessive. Recessive. I was going to say submissive, but hey, to each their own. Not all those twins are going to be subs. There's going to be a couple doms in the mix. But yes, a bunch of twins.

He had two brothers named Dom. A bunch of recessive genes. This is Dominique and dominucci yeah they ran out of names there's only so many names in the old testament right uh these were mormon folk i don't know if if uh you you got much of a look into mormon culture in your two years in vegas but no but i grew up in elizabeth colorado you got mormons home of the mormon church in colorado oh okay because they went 45 minutes east of fucking Colorado Springs. Okay.

Yeah. They set up their stronghold. They got run out of the springs. They find refuge. Becker, you had some Mormons down there, right? Do you know Colorado Springs Mormons? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, but they're like Jack Mormon.

Yeah, they put the taint in letter day. Nobodyicks. Jack Mormon. Yeah. Yeah, they put the chain in Latter-day Chicks. Nobody has any magic underwear. Mm-mm. No. Because I ate it all. Yeah, like a handful of the hottest chicks

in my high school were all Mormon. Yeah, of course. Yeah. Because they've never even touched a fucking tab soda, so their skin's perfect.

Well, one got kicked in the face by a horse when we were like 13. Okay, cool. And got rebuilt, and they did her up Bionic Woman style. We can rebuild her.

They used all the technology. She's got a beautiful face. She had a steel womb so she can fall in the door. She's cranking out twins. So Ben Ritchie just killing dogs all weekend. Not a peep from the local news. Nobody covered it.

Pee-Wall Houser didn't swing by. Who's that? All weekend. Not a peep from the local news. Nobody covered it. You know, nobody saw it on the front page. Huell Hauser didn't swing by? Who's that? You don't know about Huell Hauser? Damn, he was this guy on, like, PBS. California Gold. Yeah. That's California Gold.

I'm going to the Gilroy Garlic Festival. Look at all this garlic. And he would just, like, go and, like, interview people about how many rocks are in their patio he's like look at this rock it's pretty big and yeah that was that was it he was always amazed by the most but now shit yeah you had to show him and then sometimes he plays over cool shit low stakes where he'd like go to an avocado farm and be like wow look at those avocados and there'd be like a crazy piece of machination and he'd be like, that's cool, and then just go on to the next thing. Anyway, look at the size of this pit! Yeah, it's like the fucking

ZZ Top's doing a guitar solo in the background, and he's like, how many shingles are on that shit? It's about the little things for Huel. Huel ruled. I got Huel at home, uh, it's a mule replacement shake. Yeah. I got powder, it's Huel. Yeah. Human fuel. It's ground up babies. It's a mule replacement shake. I got powder. It's Huel.

Human fuel. It's ground up babies. It's a boarded feed eye. Yeah, it's Huel Hauser. It's his jizz. It's human fuel that's also beholden to how many photos of Starsky and Hutch are on a diner wall. You got Starsky

and you got Hutch. My god! And you got a 99 cent breakfast special. You can come in here and you can look at Starsky and you got Hutch my god and you got a 99 cent breakfast special you can come in here and you can look at Starsky and Hutch I'm moving I'm moving into Placerville yeah I guess I missed out on Housermania oh yeah because you were running the dog fighting ring

in front of Ben Ritchie's house well yeah so that was god I wish I could think of some of the other crazy shit that he would talk about. But that was one of them, where he slaughtered dozens, if not hundreds, of angry dogs. No, it was, you know, it was like, you would, we went at him in disbelief early, you know, and he just would always... Unflappable. Yeah.

He would double down. He would believe the lie. He's Samson Simpson. Samson Simpson. He stuck to his story. That's right. He would not back down. And so I think, you know, after a while, we just kind of leaned into it and let him go off.

Right, because it's more fun than to be like, you're lying. This is insane. Well, yeah, it was frustrating to be like, come on, man. There's literally no way. Yeah, no. And he's like, seriously, dude. No, brother. You weren't there, man.

I was in the shit. The dog shit. Yeah. It was stacked. Up to the second level of the house. I could have made a cabin wall out of it. up to the second level of the house. I could have made a cabin wall out of it.

These dogs were humping more than Caligula's guard dogs on a good day. It was fucking... It was too much. Look at these dogs humping. They're really getting in there. It's just a way that he got to be heard was if he came up with the most incredible shit that you could imagine.

We had one of those kids, and I don't want to say his name because he went on to be tricked into doing gay pornography. And you can look it up. Whoops. Yeah, big whoops. He's using his street name? Yeah.

He went by Ben Ritchie. But yeah, there was this kid who I grew up with who would come to school and be like, yeah, my dad had a rough week. And you're like, what's the matter? And he's like, well, he owns the Coast Guard. So it's tough when you own the Coast Guard. You know, you've got to be out there on the jet skis just keeping the rivers safe. And we were like, holy shit, Danny, what are you talking about?

And he'd be like, you know, and then he came in and he always lied about his dad, who was like five foot tall. Three weekends a year. Right, yeah. Right on the Coast Guard. Yeah. And he'd come in and be like yeah my dad lost an arm wrestling contest

so now my sister has to move to Japan just like insane shit like that and then he went on to get duped into taking it

in the ass on a boat somewhere near Mesa pretty sick did he get paid? he got laid that's half the

battle I don't know if he got paid it was an internship he got credit he got paid. It was an internship. He got credit. He got a credit hour per inch. So based on the video I saw, he got about 11 and a half credit hours.

Semester's worth. Yeah, poor kid. And the dupe was that you start in gay scenes and then eventually you get to do straight porn. The way I understand it. That's not the dupe. That's true. We also know a comedian that did this. Interesting.

That redhead from Canadian that I met at Too Much Fun. Oh, that guy? Yeah, he did gay for pay porn. Whoa. And made like cash. He talked about it on my podcast, so I'm sure I can talk about it. But yeah, yeah, yeah. He did gay for pay porn. And he had to do it first before he got into regular porn.

But also, it pays better than regular porn. Yeah, of course. Yeah. Because all those gay kids, or all those gay kids, all those gay men and women without, typically without children, have a bunch of disposable income. Yeah. Pay top dollar for bottom bitches. Yeah, you can buy the best porn out there available.

The tastiest anuses. Just an hourglass back there. Let me smell the DVD. The sands of time sprinkling through glistening like a white sandy beach in Jamaica. I don't think you would lie about doing gay for pay. No. You know, I would do gay for love of the game. I think that's where the action is.

Yeah. You just believe in good art. Yeah. It's like, I'm not in this to get fucked in the ass. I'm in this for the action is. Yeah. You just believe in good art. It's like, I'm not in this to get fucked in the ass. I'm in this for the lighting coming off the windows. I'm in this for the IMDB credit. Yeah. For the resume builder. I'm just networking in here.

I'm just nutworking. Honey nutworking. Yeah, I'm just trying to top my Cheerios. Call me a Cheerio because I got a couple B's in Nutworking. Yeah, I'm just trying to top my Cheerios. Call me a Cheerio, because I've got a couple of B's in my ass. Yeah, those kids were fun, man. I mean, we've all told some tall tales. I don't think I ever did.

I never liked lying or stealing. I felt too guilty about... I wanted to steal shit all the time, because I was a kid with no money. Yeah, says you. Just tell me after the fact. Yeah, I was doing kid with no money. Yeah, says you. Just tell me after the fact. Yeah, I was doing that one thing

that you said. Oh, cool. You know that one thing that got a laugh? That was mine. I said that. You can start telling it. Yeah.

Somebody, what, after Michael Carter died, you were like, oh, I did a set of just my favorite jokes from my friends.

Me and Bukley. Cool, I hope you get booked again off of my material. Come on back through. I didn't do any of your bullshit. You did all the hits. I wasn't up there being like, hey, how much is this gateway? You did two left feet.

No, me and Bukley were down there at Hell Yes Fest. Holding each other. No. Telling Carter stories. Bukley was like, I'm so sad. Can I suck your peen? And I was like, no, click it out of here. No, I'm kidding.

I did give Hiker a handjob. We all mourn difference. But, yeah, no, we had to go on stage that night, and Michael Carter, he was still swinging from that belfry or whatever. I'm not sure what he did. I am. Did he? Yeah.

Took the short walk off of a long pier? Took a long leap off of a short stool. There it is. Extension cord. He didn't get the... Brooks was here. He kept the receipt. Yeah.

Oof. What are we doing? We're talking about a sad thing, but, you know, making light. Years after the fact. Like you said, it's how we grieve. It's how we heal. Well, if he would have been lighter, he wouldn't have broke his neck. But he was so heavy coming off that

plyo box in his middle school gym. Wearing his 7th grade basketball uniform. Box jumps gone wrong. But yeah, he scraped more than his shins. We got on stage

and we were like, hey, I'm supposed to headline, you know, Bukley's... You're supposed to co-headline. No, Bukley was working the door, you know, because she's a girl. And, uh... And, uh, fucking, I was like, I don't want to really be funny, so I'm just get to some of

michael carter's jokes so i told the whole story you know my buddy killed himself uh kind of a tortured genius never got the love he did and i just went up there and tried to remember his bits for 20 minutes and like we're butchering them and people were like this isn't funny what this guy this isn't a loss to the comedy community and i was like he told them better it's really tough when you're trying to in memoriam your friend with his bits and people are like

checking their phones. People are getting up to go watch Brandon Wardell down the street. Well, yeah, he was one that he had a lot of good stuff

but he was still trying to figure out the best way to like be on stage, fill time. He was very smart and very uniquely wittyitty funny whatever he walked different but yeah him and bukley both yeah they had a cool limp well these bukley's was uh genetic

or whatever what do you mean well michael like you know he was like wasted he was 17 and drove his car through a big lots he He hurt his hip really bad. I forgot. I didn't remember how he got it. I thought it was a shootout. Yeah, it was. I thought he was on Ruby Ridge. I thought he was a gun runner.

And he never ran again after that fateful day. It was funny, but I could see being tough to for you to get across his jokes well yeah i mean yeah then you're like oh my buddy aaron urist also has some funny stuff where do i go from here uh my buddy london isn't dead but he i mean he could be i haven't talked to him in a couple days he dies on stage all all the time. You know who also is near death? Jordan Dahl, everyone. Here's a couple of his bits. Yeah, it was rough, man.

Like, being sad and then having to explain why the joke was funny. Yeah. Lund's good at stand-up. If you want to see me and Lund do stand-up, you can come out, too, on Tuesday in Denver. Yeah, we've got a show Tuesday at Rita's Law. It's an outdoor show. The day before this comes out. No, this is... Isn't this coming out today?

Oh, you're right. I'm stupid. No shit. I'm leaving that in. Go back to having an accountant haircut and keeping your mouth shut. This is coming out in mere minutes. Because we're behind schedule. Finally. At the podcast factory. We're working overtime.

Just steam pouring out of pipes. Unclocking in. Yeah, as we try to like, we have to like, we're machinists, you know. Listening to Machine Head. Working on a microchip. Fucking Machine Head, man. I'm going to have to check them out. I was thinking about the

Bush song. Oh. Machine Head. Hell yeah. If I don't roll, I'm going to go. Machine Head. It's pretty.

Robin and Michelle. But yeah, we have a show. Outdoor show. Come out and see us. I'm opening for you. I'm going to bury your ass. I hope you do. I want something to live for. He's trying times.

Yeah, that should be fun. Kate Strobel's show. She's fun. And they've had a few good shows, I guess. I'm sure there's a lot of Kate Strobel heads on here. Strobel. You just sold it to them. They're like, Strobel's going to be there.

God forbid I say a comic is good that is a woman. I'm sure that's terrible for you. That's not what you're looking for to try to help out other comics. You're just trying to bury ones that are already dead. Well. Leave Carter. Carter's got enough dirt on him. Stop burying his ass. Anyway, I was much funnier than Carter. Rest in peace.

All the time. Fucking psycho. A year ago, how about this? A year ago, we... We're contemplating suicide. We're fighting. No, we were in Paris, France. A year ago today was when we flew to Paris. The good one, Paris, France.

Not Paris, Texas. The one in Europe. You've probably rocked Paris, Texas a couple times. You love going off the beaten path where the real fans are, the real heads. I go where the $90 is. The machine heads. You guys got 25 people with 50 teeth between them?

Alright, I'm there. Come on, I'm going to guess how many you got. Give me a Friday, Saturday. Two shows both nights. But yeah, we were in Paris. That was nice. A year ago. Remember all the fun we had? Nobody thought we were in Paris. That was nice. A year ago. Remember all the fun we had?

Nobody thought we were going either. We were telling people it was High Plains weekend a couple weeks before that. We were like, we're going to Paris. You guys were all pussies about it. I was like, look man, we should all go to Paris together as best friends. This is the kind of stuff that men do. They go and experience culture

and become worldly. And you guys were like, what if we just went to Pensacola? That'd be kooky. Oh yeah, we didn't want to spend two grand to hang out with you. We already see you. No, remember? We didn't see each other because Chris and Bobby, Bobby was doing his dark artist in law school thing

and Chris was in that dunk tank in Fresno. Almost drowning every time because there was two and a half feet of water. For the folks at home, Chris Charpentier is about five foot tall, 240 pounds. He's like nature on means. A little pinball of a man. That'd be sick if he was 240, if he was up there with us. The rule.

Hanging tough. Yeah, just a little chode lit. Yeah, about 5'2". Just a little tuna can, man. That'd be sick if he was 240, if he was up there with us. By the rule. Hanging tough. Yeah, just a little chode lit. Yeah, by 5'2". Just a little tuna can, man. But yeah, Paris was great. It was weird. The only thing that was weird was the idea of going on a trip to Paris, to Europe for the first time with you guys instead of my wife.

That would have made sense. Yeah, you guys honeymooned in Lyman. We did not honeymoon at all because we got married and then she broke her leg like three weeks later. Yeah, she broke her leg. She did. Is that still the official story? She did. Is that still the official story? She jumped.

Yeah, she fell and broke her ankle. And she fell through that plate grass window. We didn't do anything for that whole summer. And then during that time was when you and Chris were like, we're going to Paris. You guys had already bought your tickets. And I was like, fuck. I want to go.

Can I go? And then, you know, as Megan's ankle was looking better, she was doing okay. It was like, fuck, I could go. It was just weird timing. Well, we celebrated her ankle healing. Hey, you back on two feet? And I'm out of here for a week. Now you can wipe your own ass.

That would be funny. She breaks her ankle when I'm wiping her ass for some reason she didn't even poop get back there she just wakes up with you with a bunch of paper towels jammed in her crack then you're eating them you're like breakfast is served

but yeah man that was the best trip of my life I mean I've been all over with my wife you know all over Europe because we care about romance unlike you But yeah, man, it was the best trip of my life. I mean, I've been all over with my wife, you know, all over Europe. Because we care about romance. Unlike you. And Creech. We never really had any money.

Yeah, but that's the thing. You don't need money. You do need some money. You need like $1,500 so you can go wherever you want in the world. We were check to check, hand to mouth. Brother, I feel you. All right? Ass to mouth. These were tough times. We're going straight from ass to mouth you know that was dinner the water bill was

three months late you know you can't just rinse it off you're just going straight atm i loved paris with you it was fun you trying to pretend like you weren't sneaking little sips of booze every now and then i was not sneaking sips Remember when you accidentally drank a gallon and a half of French lemonade? That was a misunderstanding. We didn't know what it was. We ordered it. Take a drink. There's some small amount.

There's like beer in with lemonade. Yeah, it's cool. In France, they have 3-2 lemonade. Right, yeah. Everything has some booze in it. I'll take a water, and it's got some red wine in there. Okay. Here we go.

Water's 1.4%. The virgin's kiss. So yeah, we got the French lemonade, and it was like, man, I can have some of this. I was eating a baby calf's head while we were drinking French lemonade. You killed that calf. I did. That seemed a bit unnecessary. It's like, come on, just bring it out, you know, slaughtered.

Well, it shouldn't have said what it said about my mom. You wanted to kill something beautiful. It shouldn't have talked shit on the San Diego Chargers. That was quite beautiful. Yeah, no, that was a good time. Yeah. I remember I was ordering all types of crazy food, and you and chris were like

does the spaghetti have basil in it too spicy that's what happened you were a fucking food explorer yeah and we just cowered in fear at the idea no you guys were googling subway i? I did not have Subway. Yeah. It wouldn't have been as good over there. They probably couldn't get it right. We did have McDonald's, though. We had McDonald's. It was like 2 in the morning.

It was the only thing we could have. Yeah, we were all wasted. You're like, oh, we should... Three of us were wasted and one of us was judgmental. We should ask... We should try to figure out a late night diner so we can get some calf head. And it was like, come on, let's have McDonald's this one time, who cares? You're like, no, every moment has to be a new experience.

Yeah, man. I'm trying to eat it all, love it all, fuck it all. I was trying to get us all to have sex too, but that didn't take. There was talk of soliciting a professional. Because my wife gave me the all clear. She was like, look, if you guys want to get a prostitute or two... Why would she even say that?

Because she figured that's what the fellas do. She thinks that's what we need because we're men. She assumed that's what we were going to do out there is go whoring. Men only bond over sex and food. Well, she was thinking of us as like GIs, you know, in 1943. Yeah, we had shore leave. Yeah, exactly. Just over there trying to find some vietnamese girls who can fucking get quad dicked he has any siamese twins because we're looking to

make a memory we're trying to set a record out here we're trying to recreate dogs playing poker but emphasis on the poker but nude yeah little pie gal wow but that would have been I've always wanted to watch each of you bone just to see if I can get any tips god

meanwhile the last thing I would ever want is to have to see what you do when nobody's looking I'm just fish hooking her with a lady

she's just on your shoulders I'm just fish hooking her? With a lady. She's just on your shoulders. I'm trying to put my entire hand in her mouth. Wear my glasses. Playing Connect Four. Say my punchlines. Yeah, say Sam T. Sam we.

Shut up. You wouldn't want to watch me bone no thanks at all no see Jake knows why not I might be an innovator I'm probably reinventing

the wheel in there reinventing the squeal reinventing the steel blasting Pantera old Pantera when there was still hair metal. Yeah, with the vibrato, the old school hair metal vibrato of Phil Anselmo before they realized what they were.

Before they threatened to sue me and I had to pull their lyrics out of my book. Yeah, that doesn't seem like that would have happened, right? I don't know. That's what my agent said to do. Had to be careful. Who would you most want to watch have sex? Me, Bobby, Chris, and also

yourself with a three-way mirror. I guess... I mean, not you, and then Bobby and Chris. It's like, yeah, I don't know. Chris, I guess. Because of the hard dick. Because of the hard-ass dick, H-A-D, instead of white ass pussy

you got a hard ass dick crawling all over that's good algebra Chris makes love like a spider monkey yeah get over here lots of nibbles

yeah secret kisses like a kid eating a Reese's peanut butter cup he's just nibbling the outside yeah like a Mormon

kid having a black and white cookie like I can't mix the flavors yeah no I think that it would be really cool like that's like the ultimate form of bonding and it would be even better if we like

there's killing someone together and then there's sexual acts we would have to do it like the end of the novel It where it's one girl and we all take turns sanctifying our relationship. Uh-huh.

Yeah. We could share each other arms like, oh, good work, Lund. I have a stopwatch. I'm blowing a whistle. Hurt. Offsides. That's a new PR. Holding.

Yeah, no, I don't have much desire to. Like, if we, if. I bet you go slow. Another time. Oh, yeah, I make it last. no, I don't have much desire to, like, if we, if. I bet you go slow. Another time. Oh, yeah, I make it last. No, I suck, and it's over, and who cares. Let me get some clothes on so I can go back to being charming and funny. Because, yeah, sexy, not so much.

Too much hair. No, you sent us that photo of you in Paris. You look sexy as hell. Like a young John Popper. That Airbnb bathroom had good lighting, and so that was... That's why I still have that picture. It was good lighting.

Yeah. Got a decent shot. But... Oh, I was going to say, if... If... We ended up actually trying to find someone that we would all sleep with through some mirror professionally

no it wouldn't have been natural it would have been professional it would have been a business transaction oh i figured some australian tourist i would have maybe like you know what would have been cool is each of us sleeps with this same person and then we get to talk to her afterwards and she rates us and she yes rates she She points out foibles. That would have been hilarious. It's like the Westminster Dog Show. I don't want you in there. After the fact, a little critique session. Rate,

share, like, and subscribe kind of a thing. She has a PowerPoint. That would have been interesting. Lund's fingers fit the best. But Sharpie's peenie passed the test yeah it was nice to god and now

who knows when any of us will be able to go to Europe is that a thing we're still not allowed we'll probably never be able to hire a prostitute in Europe

we could get a big boat and sail to I mean you know sail over to Europe real quick for the week. God. Three-month boat ride, spend like six days in Paris, sail back. We should just learn to run like lizards.

On the water? Yeah, but you couldn't do the whole ocean. Yeah, you're right. You could probably only just clear like a pond or a lake. Being a human being running on water. Yeah, you're right. That is insane. Get real. You would need a lake. Being a human being running on water. Yeah, you're right. That is insane. Get real. You would need a canoe.

A big canoe. And the four of us could row. Yeah, we could be like Samoans trying to get from New Zealand to Hawaii. Yeah. They rule. Yeah, that's gotta be... They did that back in the day. I know. It's crazy.

Especially with the whole flat earth thing. That really makes it tough. Yeah, they kept going over the edge. They had to go... It's just around the corner. The corner is light years away. I like to think of a guy who's like, you know, in New Zealand, and he's like, look, baby, I'd love to stay here and raise these kids in this dirt hut,

but these pineapples aren't going to get themselves to Tonga. I'll see you in three years. Yeah, it's crazy to think about how long it took just to get west in the U.S. You're like, all right, we'll be back in two years' time. If we're lucky, fingers crossed. Well, yeah, spoiler alert, they never came back because they all died. Or they just stayed out there and they got to fuck the pigs all they wanted

without their wives breathing down their neck. You could just be, you know, panning for gold and then fucking all the holes that you're digging up. Booyah. Yeah. You don't have to share your feelings or nothing.

Dig a hole, pee in it, and then have sex with the mud. Okay. The mud that you made with your own ween. That sounded like an idea that's been fleshed out before. That's an Elizabeth prom date.

That's how we voted for Homecoming King. Whoever made the most mud. And then if you do it right, you're making two kinds of mud. Because you make yellow mud and then white mud. Happy Groundhog's Day.

White mud. Yeah, write it down. Happy Groundhog's Day. White mud. Yeah, write it down. Make a note of it. Black gold. Nice. Texas pea. Texas pea is... Look at all this mud!

Sugar water. That's some good mud right there. Holy cow, look at all the filled up holes out here. I wish I had my galoshes. Hey, shut up, Mike Tyson. There's some good mud right there. Holy cow, look at all the filled up holes out here. I wish I had my galoshes. Hey, shut up, Mike Tyson. There's some good mud over here. What else is there? Now, Lund, did you get enough sleep?

You seem kind of low energy today. Oh, well, it's because I didn't have Starbucks on my way here, you corporate whore. Gotta have my Starbucks. You haven't had a pot and a half of fucking French press coffee? I do the French press. Well, I'm saying, at the least, get a fucking reusable mug. You're always coming in hot with a brand new Starbucks cup. Yeah, I'm trying to keep the tree cutters, the brave men and women of the logging industry in America.

I'm helping. Yeah, I am. No one really thinks about the jobs that are cut out by recycling. Our buddy Brandon Darnell and his tree cutting service. Speaking of sponsorship, why hasn't he hit us up yet? You got a dead tree? Call Brandon Darnell.

There was a dead tree in front of my parents' house. Want to get the stump out of there? Yank your stump with Brandon Darnell. Call Darnell. There was a dead tree in front of my parents house wanna get the fuck get the stump out of there yank your stump with Brandon Darnell called Darnell there was a dead tree in front of my parents house and I was out

there with Mel and Jancicoc and when a tree dies you can peel the bark off of it in giant sheaths and it's like

very calming and not for the tree the trees the trees are screaming oh yeah yeah no

the trees the trees like no my skin the trees like that prostitute brussels that we left behind my kitties uh the trees michael carter so i was pulling i was pulling bark off this tree and my jansen cock and mel were like what are you doing and then like 10 minutes later they were like you missed a piece up there yeah get at it i got a stick out and was jabbing at it it's very soothing soothing. It's like a primal thing. And I posted the evidence on Instagram

and no one gave a shit. Except for Darnell. He was like, did you peel that all yourself? Damn, are there any more of those trees out there?

I love tree peeling. He lost his mind for it. That's why I got into the tree game. All you can peel, man. Peel and eat trees.

Yeah. It's not just shrimp that you peel and eat out here. No, man. You can eat tree bark. You can rip the that you peel and eat out here no man you can eat tree bark you can rip the scab off and have a little secret snack you ever eat a scab yeah for sure yeah better than boogers i rode a bike as a kid and you get the scabs and then it's like oh man the longer you wait the better like there's a point that you want to get to where it's

you know it's hard hard yes and you got to get to where it's, you know. It's hard. Hard, yes. And you've got to get to that point. You've got to not pick it so that you can pick it. Right, yeah. You've got to wait until it's, like, fully ready. You've got to let the fruit ripen before you make wine. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, yeah. Becker? No.

Big scab picker, for sure. Scabs are fun to pick. Your body's a wonderland of delicious delights. You've got fingernails. If you're strong enough, you've got toenails. You think that's strength and not flexibility? Well, no, you need to have enough strength to rip your hip out of socket and jam your toes into your mouth.

You think people are bending? You've got to break your own femur in order to get it going. I could as a child have fond memories of chomping that big toenail down to the wick. Down to the quick. Yeah, dude. Ripping a toenail down to the luna and then picking your teeth with it like a sailor. That's why you have fingernails so you can pick your teeth with the cuttings. Okay.

Right? No. I still do that. It's for grip. It's for scratching a partner's back. It's a monogamous thing. It's for grip. Primates have it for grip.

It's for peeling trees. Yeah, have a scab. If you're out there listening right now, pause this. We had a kid that I think was in Boy Scouts in my neighborhood when I was younger. He had the scab eating merit badge? No, the scabs the tree peeling he he told us about the he showed the gum indian gum i think you you call it if you're racist and you know we were white

suburbs so yeah it was indian it was indian gum and uh i remember that being, you know, not worth it for sure. It's like, would you really forage for enough of this to, like, occupy your jaw for a while? Well, yeah, it's pretty much just like maple syrup that doesn't have any sweetener in it. Yeah, well, yeah, and it's just a small amount, you know. Sometimes you're tricked. If you're picking out by the reservation, it's just Indian cum. That sucks. Because they go... The fucking trees out there? Well, they respect the earth.

Just stick the bark back on? Well, they respect the earth, so they don't make mud and then fuck the hole. But they do go and bang knot holes in trees. That's how they honor their ancestors. Nice. I'm sure you got that from your papa. My father, yeah. Dave T?

Dave T, yeah. Indian Hunter? Is he mourning Eddie Van Halen right now? My dad's a scalp hunter. No, my dad doesn't give a shit about Van Halen. I bet your dad lit a couple candles, though. Your dad's like, get in here, baby. Crying, doing donuts in his charger.

Oh, the charger. I think it's just sitting in the garage we should go we should check it out well maybe after the election if i wins i'll start talking to my parents again yeah just brag but if trump wins nah i think it's over we had had a good run. Yeah. 42 years. Almost. But, yeah, we'll see. We should drive up to Portland and see Bobby. And on the way, we can pop over to Vegas. That's not how driving works. What do you mean? You're not going to go.

I wouldn't want to go south to Vegas and then up to Portland. Well, we've got to pick up Chris. We're not picking up Chris. Yeah, it's really easy. That's insane. It is. It's incredibly easy. But yeah, we're not... I don't think you've thought about this trip much because that would be a whole lot of excess.

I literally haven't given it an ounce of thought. Good call. Yeah, much like most of the successes in my life. Winging it. Yeah, just do it, man. Do it. It's the battle. Fake it. Fake it till you Yeah, just do it, man. Doing it's the battle. Fake it. Fake it till you break it. Fake it, yeah. Fake it until you, well, just keep faking it.

And you're probably not going to make it, but you are going to write a book. Spin like a CD. You know it's Nicky T. I come to your party with no apology. More Nickatino lyrics. We gotta have Sharpie fly here and, fly here, and then we drive from here to Portland. We have to hire a pelican

and he'll deliver Sharpie to us. 80 West. 80 West, y'all. We know about 80 West. Yeah, those were the days. That was the move. You take the 80 West, and you're there. Yeah, when we were the Highway Serial Killer crew. We were on the 80. Most of our dirty deeds are along the 80. And they were not done dirt cheap. 80 West.

80 West, y'all. None of this is making sense. No, it's an inside joke, but most of what we say, I think, is indecipherable to most people. No, I don't think people have a Rosetta Stone to laugh at our humor. We're pretty broad. You keep smelling your finger. What do you got? It doesn't smell.

What secret whiff do you have on your thumb? It doesn't smell. He's pulling his mustache. I know what he's doing. I'm grooming. I've heard of it. Well, you were talking about biting nails. I've been trying not to bite my nails because of AIDS, but

I read in a newsletter that that was a big part of the crisis, was a lot of fingernail chewing. I haven't been biting my nails as much, i still have like the general anxiety i have to do something right so i pick my nail my fingernails pick the dirt and then i smell to make sure that there's not some like random you know piece of turd there's not shit so there's

not human or animal shit okay that i've unearthed from my fingernails. Because that is one of your true pleasures is cleaning up dog shit at the compound. It's not one of my pleasures. See, you think that things that I do out of necessity are because I like them. They're your passions. You only do what you like because you've been coddled and hornswoggled. I have not been hornswoggled. You've been raised by wolves. Yeah.

And those wolves were very supportive and let you get away with literal murder. They all died at the siege of Ben Ritchie's house. You killed your own wolf parents. And you, yeah, you think that because I do the dishes that I love it. And it's like, no, I just do them because you have to or else they pile up. You literally crave doing the dishes. No. It's out of necessity.

It's a thing that you do that you stay on top of when you get sick of the alternative, which is ignoring that they're piling up and then just hoping that something happens, that you win a contest where you have a butler for a week. Whatever life you live of just wonder and fantasy it's a lot of whimsy man it's taking me on very far well and your wife is the realist who has to eventually do the dishes when it's like no there isn't going to be a radio contest where you have to you have to hold out the longest we're like you know baby we're not gonna we're not gonna try to figure out how to you know buy a car we're just i'm just gonna put my hand, you know, baby, we're not going to try to figure out how to buy a car.

I'm just going to put my hand on a Dodge Charger that the radio station is giving away, and I'll last for three days because I've got Ritalin in my back pocket. I'm going to go to the mall. I'm going to threaten that kiosk owner to rig the raffle. You just live in an episode of a sitcom. Pretty much. But, yeah, so I do the dishes, and you think it's hilarious that I don't just, like, come up with a Rube Goldberg machine that does them for me. Well, I would always come over and try and help you do the dishes, and you would slap my hand and say no.

It wasn't a two-man job. It is fun, because then you can bump hips to the rhythm of the music. It's a montage. Like, hey, check this out. You put a dish on your hat like a Chinaman. It's pretty fun. Oh, God. What? We sleep it.

That makes it worse. Yeah, it could be anything, man. Uh-oh. Retail joke. But no, so I used to not clean up my dog turds because I thought you loved it. Oh, yeah, you were helping me. I was, yeah. I was. The most warped thinking of all time.

By me not doing something that I should be doing, I'm being a good friend. Yeah, I thought that was empowering. I didn't want more dog shit to clean up so that I could make it last. Make an afternoon of it. I cleaned up dog shit because you're supposed to. If you're a dog owner, you clean up its shit. I would come out there and be like, hey, what are you doing? Hey, let's hang out and talk about our favorite dicks over the years.

Who's got them? And I would be like, hey, Lem, do you want to hang out? And you'd be like, I'm busy. And I'm like, what are you doing? And you're like, another day in paradise. And then you'd clean up another giant turd. I got chores. They're multiplying.

Well, look, I'm glad we had this conversation because I never knew that. Yeah, except every time I've told you. And you were fucking coming up with a hot new riff in your head. Another Eddie Van Halen tune. Like, whoa, I'd be sick if he played a guitar just like he was ringing a bell. And meanwhile, yeah, I had to clean up fucking Gordy's ancient shit, his white dog shit. Some of it was mine. I wouldn't, but I have seen you, how about this?

Oh, no. This is a good glimpse into your mind. Oh, God. We're in Cortez, Colorado. You get an Airbnb. Sure. You know, we pull up to the Airbnb. Hey, we're at the Airbnb.

We can go inside, do whatever we want. Maybe go to the bathroom. No, that would take 30 seconds. You whipped it out and took a whiz right outside of that Airbnb. Yeah, I was trying to make some mud. It was a long drive. It was a long walk into the house, too, apparently. I was about to hump that hole. You're like, oh, I should probably whip it out right here and almost guarantee. That's why I couldn't believe believe I thought we were going to get a bad review from Airbnb. Yeah, because you're a rule follower.

You're a little baby. That's not a little baby. Yes, it is. That's an adult who realizes, oh, what's the risk-reward here? What's the logical move? Right, what is the risk of me peeing outside in an abandoned street in Cortez, Colorado?

An abandoned street. It was like 11 at night. A bunch of people, I'm sure, still awake. No, dude. Until they hear a fire hose emptying itself in the gutters. Well, yeah, I had 65 ounces of Fanta on the drive down. You had a bunch of banana yoo-hoo. Yeah.

No, man, that's the thing. Sometimes you have to free yourself. You throw off the shackles of society and just hose down the concrete, man. You're more animal than human. Yeah. And what have humans done for us? Huh? Think about it. The animals are never wrong. They eat their young sometimes.

So? That's not wrong? The young's tasty. Think about veal. Young, good. Most pigs are younger than veal. Think about that. When we kill them? When we eat them? Uh-huh. Yikes. Well, I'm just saying, man. I bet all of our listeners are out there.

They'd love to pee on the ground in front of Airbnb with their best friend and their best friend's associate, Jake Becker. Friend of the pod. Yeah. It is a great thing to be able to pee in nature. We weren't in nature. We were in civilization. We were in a community. Cortez is a bombed out hellhole.

He took a whiz. It just, it didn't, it wasn't necessary. Those burritos were very good. Thank you. Wasn't necessary. I worked hard on them. Should have just gone into the house and then peed. Well, no, because you were like, if I whip it out right here, I'll be cool and tough.

You're still talking about it. You're literally talking about it. I'm making fun of you for being a psychopath. I think it's I'm being an eccentric artist. You do, which is part of the problem. That's not eccentric. It's just ridiculous. No, dude, I am literally leeching the marrow out of every

moment of life. And you're like, I'm gonna go number two in the toilet. Yeah, like a cuck. Yeah, exactly. Like a total lip-tard. Yeah, like a fucking lip-tard. Yeah, I'm scared. I'm scared of taking a shit where God intended us to take them, which is apparently outside of someone else's house. I just think that if more people peed outside, it'd be a better world.

Yeah, that's an argument, I guess, that you could defend. I just did. You didn't defend it. You just put it out there. That's the thing is I say enough stuff and then people are like, well, he said all this shit. We should probably just let him ride with it. He hasn't been wrong yet. Yeah, he's never wrong.

He's an animal. He's not like us. I grew up peeing outside. I'll say that. Oh, you're a creature of habit. I am. In Elizabeth, Colorado, we would literally, I would just step out the front door,

and this is pretty fucked up. My mom... There it is. At least you realize that the actions are wrong. Right, so I would step out. Sometimes I wouldn't even step out. I would pee from the gateway, from the threshold, with my feet inside the house,

and I would just toss a yellow rope into my mom's garden from the, because I don't know. To be rock and roll in front of no one? I was seven years old. I'm reality testing. Oh, seven. Well, I grew up doing it, too. Also, I used to hold in my turds i thought you were like 16 and i was like no i did i'm saying it's like you still whiz like that

yeah because i had a right of precedent that was set it was your your first closing bit where people it crushed and you're like all right the kid the mom and dad love it it never crushed because we had ants after i would piss for so long. And my mom would be like, it smells like piss right outside the door. You need to quit pissing out there. You guys didn't have a dog, but it felt like you did. But he would bring ants? Yes. I feel like that's a pre-diabetes thing.

Oh, this was post-diabetes. He had this joke about never drinking water as a kid. It was all about soda. It was Kool-Aid, it was Flavor-Aid during the tough times. When the war was on. Yeah, the lean months, you'd have to switch to Flavor-Aid. No, man, I used to down fucking two liters of ginger ale. O.J. You ever piss in bottles in your house?

No. You never pissed in a bottle? No. Wow. Inside of a house? Yeah. I've got it in bottles in your house? No. You never pissed in a bottle? No. Wow. Inside of a house? Yeah. I've got it in the backseat of a car. No, I had a bad time for a while there where I would, you know, down a two liter of fucking Dr. Pepper.

And then immediately refill the jug? Yeah. And I remember one time my mom cleaned my room because it was such a hell hole. She was like, I'll fucking clean it then. And she went in there and she found a bunch of pissers underneath my bed. And we had a very serious conversation. As you were planning. What, you'd fill them and then roll them under the bed?

I wouldn't empty them. Oh my God. It was just socks and two liters under there and they were all just caked and evil. One was stiff, one was wet. One was wet, one was very dry. There was a bunch of empty boxes of raisins under there, filled with jizz. I remember my mom grabbed

one of my socks while she was scolding me, and she was like, order, order, and she pounded it like a gavel. Yeah, no, I used to fill up bottles with urine and then not dispose of them. And my mom was like, we have to take you to therapy. What are you doing? And I was like, well, I'm just playing Madden. I'm a truck driver in I was like, well, I'm just playing Madden.

I'm a truck driver in here. Yeah, exactly. I've got to make time. I've got to get this load into the next county over by sundown. Fucking, oh, man. That's horrible. It was really bad news, dude. Just put your mom through pure hell.

Yeah, she was like, my mom was raised right, you know, and my dad was kind of a feral wombat. I tried to be a good boy, and you were rebelling against supportive parents. I didn't want to walk the 17 steps, I counted it, to the bedroom. Or, to the toilet from my bedroom. Because I guess I had to fucking kill

more hookers in GTA 3? I don't know, dude. My mom sat me down with my dad and was like, do you want to tell your father what you've been doing? And I was like, uh-oh, what did she find? Because there was a number of... There's a whole list. There was a bunch of unsavory behavior going on in there. And I was like...

You're talking about all the squirrel pelts? Yeah. You're talking about all the heads they cut off Sophie's Barbies? Make it a necklace. Yeah, and she was like, you want to tell your father what you've been doing? And I was like, uh... Beating off in your guys' bed? And she's like,

no, the other thing! And she was like, what? Yeah, you dropped that bomb. Yeah, I beat it in your bed. One time my parents found me, I was selling pornography at school because we had a color printer so I would like

I would print off all this sick porn you know like Britney Spears like getting DP'd oh yeah just those terrible pretty photoshopped

the earliest yeah digital manipulation right all looked terrible like it's Sable's head and then a 45 year old woman with a parking cone

in her pussy the chick with three tits from Total Recall. For sure. Man, that'd be sick. Yeah, but it's Mandy Moore's face. Yeah, so I would take orders from school. Mandy Moore's face on Dudley Moore's body. Now we're talking.

Hello. Mandy Moore's face with Dudley Moore's dry dry wit i preferred michael moore's face on mandy moore's body what's underneath the hat michael take it off oh it's a smaller hat but yeah i forgot to uh empty my uh knockoff jinkos my like lee pipes that i had that had a hundred different zipper pockets on them and i just had different kinds of pornography. Like, my thigh zipper pocket was, like, black porn. There was, like, Asian porn in the left zipper pocket. Oh, man. And I, like, I was in such a hurry for some reason

that I just, I got home from school, stripped completely nude, and went upstairs to piss in a bottle. And I passed by three bathrooms on the way up there. And, uh... Yeah. And fucking uh... Yeah! And fucking my mom found my pants, and she sat me down,

and we had another very serious conversation where she was, like, in tears. I was, like, 12, and there was hardcore pornography in my pockets, and she was like, Are your friends having sex? Do you even know what this is? It's like a woman blowing a horse.

And I was like, We're not doing that. Maybe Andy Quinn. i'm not sure just kidding andy you're the man uh but yeah dude it was it was tough being my mom she was always just aghast at my new behavior yeah one time i she there was like i was i used to chew in high school during wrestling season to make weight yeah and one time she found a fucking orange juice carton filled with skull spit

and I guess when she opened it up a bunch of flies flew out of it. Yeah, dude. My poor mom. A bunch of bees. She was always so worried about me. With good reason. I don't know why. You were a little serial killer.

No, I was just... You were like a little baby Edmund Kemper. I was, yeah. She was worried you were gonna cut her head off and fuck it. Hello, mother. I was gonna cut her head off and piss down the neck because I didn't want to... Looks like I have a new pisser.

I'll never need another Mountain Dew bottle again. Yeah, I don't want to waste 20 minutes of my ability to play NHL 99. I do remember that SNX skateboarding or snowboarding. I guess you could have saved... When I was younger

and playing a lot of games, you couldn't save them. I remember distinctly there were a few Sundays where I was trying to beat Mega Man 2, and my mom would be like, it's time for church, and it's like, I can't save the game, I have to do this. She's like, you don't have to do any of that, you have to not burn in hell forever, and I hated having to risk, you had to just leave it on. We were both equally as right in the end.

We were both chasing something that we thought was real, but it was really made up to control us. Your mom was like, do you know how hard it is to achieve salvation? And you're like, do you know how hard it is to be Battletoads on SNES? These games fucked up. Yeah, that was a rough one for sure. But yeah, there was that

laser focus of trying to beat and play video games at the expense of relationships with family, friends. Personal hygiene. The Lord and Mormon God. Morays. Social contracts. No Mormons for us in Evergreen Park, Illinois.

Yeah, thank God. You guys just had the Japanese. We just had Catholics. The Japanese. We just had Catholics. Yeah. And I got alienated from my Catholic friends for a while because I spouted off some shit that my mom had said, which was, you know, Catholics don't even really talk to God.

You feel like you have to talk to a middleman, a representative. And, you know, Christians, we just do the direct line, you know? We're talking to God and Jesus every day, whatever we want, on demand. Yeah, I like how Catholics, God, like their God has an agent who takes 15th and 17th time. He screens his calls. Yeah. All right, we got Mortimer Jessup on line seven. It's like, tell him I'm busy.

Yeah, tell him I'm in a meeting. Tell him life is fleeting. And much like most agents, that conduit is a pedophile. So, hey, it's time for plugs everyone and look lund i know that i always make fun of you but you are the most righteous fellow i know and uh you know you i do if i do follow your lead because i am a disgusting pig of a human being well i admit it freely as you have said and we have discussed there is uh a desire to like once you realize how evil things and people can be to be like fuck it as long as I don't

chaos reigns Roman Reigns is the man he's a heel now he's a bad guy on Donner on Blitzen no I think a lot of people once you see too much it makes you want to say fuck it

and just be selfish or whatever. And I have been that when I was younger. Right. And I've gone through to the other side, which is trying to be positive, trying to focus on the good things, what you have instead of what you don't have. And it's a much better way. Love rules. God is love. Lenny Kravitz's dick

popping out of his pants also ruled. That was hilarious. It looked like it was in one of those fake peanut cans. Hey, want some peanut brittle? Oh, it's Lenny Kravitz's dick!

That was fucking great. It looked like it got shot out of a cannon. Like, here you go. You know, I have seen too much. But you know what I've never seen too much of is comedy online. All right, look. I love watching comedy.

Talk about organic. I do, yeah. I love a good organic promo. Nothing better than comedy with a bunch of distractions, a bunch of open tabs for you to wander over to. Different letter jackets you've designed Mandy Moore nude plus Jessica Simpson out of nowhere

Sarah Silverman hanging them but yeah if you want to take a break from the onslaught and deluge of available pornography on your laptop take a break and tune on in to holdthephone.tv right Jake? That's the one that's the call letters for them

let go of your member and hold the phone, you can fill a bottle while you're watching. It's fine. Get off of the camera though, you know, switch to your professional headshot and then fill one up. Uh-huh, yeah. Down that bottle of Huel and fill it with piss because you're going to want to not miss an episode of HoldThePhone.tv. Look, Jake Brown doing a good job putting all the best content in the world online. You can watch Hot Tub on Mondays with Mandy Patinkin and Lyle Alzado. They host that show and it's a lot of fun. Then you got on, I think, Fridays, you got...

Hey, girl. then you got on I think Fridays you got Hey Girl yeah hosted by Matt Bronger and Kyle what's his last name? Kyle Kynon oh I thought

Kynone I thought it was that guy who shot all those people in Wisconsin maybe Hawaiian Kyle Kynone yeah Kyle Kanoonoing

and Matt Boner yeah watch their show where they take they have some of the hottest guests in comedy come on there, and they really get to the bottom of it. Hey, girl. Which I think is not really appropriate in these non-binary times.

Shut up. Okay. Stop judging. And then also Sean O'Connor, he's playing Foursquare with people. What is it called? Quiplash. He's playing Quiplash online. Is it always Quiplash? I thought maybe they switch up the game. I is it called? Quiplash. She's playing Quiplash online. Is it always Quiplash?

I thought maybe they switch up the game. I think it's always Quiplash. But yeah, look. It's really... Online comedy. Let's say... What's the name of it? Let's say the name of it.

The Fun Times Boys Game Night? Okay, yeah. I think it's Quiplash all the time. Well, let's say that. Okay. Hopefully, you know, me and Lunder are going to get online and play Russian Roulette.

You're going to have to pay to watch that. It's in a red room on the dark web, but that's not going to be on hold the phone. They do comedy online the best. A lot of these shows are terrible, but not the ones they do. They figured it out early and they've done a great job of making it feel as

close to the live experience as possible. a lot of fun okay so we're back october 12th uh hot tub has a great lineup featuring kimberly clark jamelle johnson jackie cation jamie loftus ever maynard and dj real love that jamelle johnson and then uh uh fun time boys are gonna have, on their October 16th show, they've got Rich Sommer, Josh Rubin, Dwayne Perkins, Eliza Skinner, and Mike Scullins. So yeah, check out HoldTheGunInYourMouth. Pull the trigger.

HoldThePhone.tv. Hey, we've got a subreddit, by the way. Some brave hero set up a subreddit on Reddit. It's Chubby Behemoth. Check it out. Get on there. Mix it up. Join the Patreon. Patreon.com slash Chubby Behemoth. We're having fun over on Patreon.

We're having so much fun. We're going to try to get a hold of some tasty nudes for people. Not of us, but other killer nudes. A lot of people have been wondering what Jeff Cohen's dick looks like. And if you join the $20 Patreon tier, you're going to get a spicy meatball. Let me tell you this. It is better not to know, but I understand.

Once that curiosity starts nagging you, then you may want to give in. I get that. But I'll tell you, I wish I didn't know. Well, curiosity killed the cat, and so does Jeff's dick. There's a couple of bodies on that fucking impaler. Oh my god.

So yeah, Joey Behemoth, patreon.com slash joeybehemoth. Get on there. We're the best. For the best man I know, Nathan Alon, it's me, Sam Tallent, and Beckers here.