Chubby Behemoth - Hog Wearing Overalls

Episode Date: September 4, 2023

This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at https://www.betterhelp.com/CHUBBY and get on your way to being your best self.   Ass-lint. Hive Mind Buzzing. Each Are 1 1/2   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth

All right, Bonzo. Bonzo, Bonzo, Bonzo. Bonzo, Bonzo, Bonzo, Bonzo. Bonzo, bring us in real quick. Hey, guys. You're listening to Chubby Behemoth, the number one podcast for wads in Paris. Time to rock and roll.

Kick it. If you open that bottle of rosé, let me know. In the fridge no there's still a bottle of rosé up there hey everyone as uh my italian consigliere anthony vante sandron birthday july 29th 1990 ponzo's younger than you no i want to give his real birthday uh we are coming to you from the 11th arrondissement

in paris france guys hey as they say in paris here's two for you yeah paris is big on two in the stink four in the pink very sexual city yeah everyone is Yeah, Paris is big on two in the stink, four in the pink. Very sexual city.

Yeah. Everyone is fucking. The graveyards are just full of the smell of people banging. Or it's corpses. I can't tell. A lot of people getting head on the headstones. What have you been calling head, Patrick? Tet.

And last night when you were on stage, did you for tet or no no i should have yeah i really think that you have a chance to get laid by like three people at once is that true yeah i bet there's like some like i don't know swiss chicks here who just want to play ant pile with patrick yeah they want to recreate the Majin Buu saga of Dragon Ball Z. Yeah, because you're like a delicacy. They want to start a TED offensive, because giving you head would be offensive. It would be gross. Especially today, after our long walkabout. Oh, man.

I rinsed off, though. You did? Did you shower? I didn't shower, but I cold water rinsed. What's that mean? That's nice. No soap. No soap. No soap, no shampoo.

You just stood in the water. Well, it's a detachable hose, so I shoved it up my butt and pissed it and hit my balls on it until I ejaculated. Are those my shorts? Yeah. Those are my shorts still. Yeah. You haven't lived with me for a while,

but yet you're still stealing my clothes. You said you needed them back, so I brought i brought them yeah now you're wrecking them they do stink right now of course they do those are the worst shorts for packing in stink because they're built in like bike shorts yeah they shouldn't they shouldn't have made those in our size that was on them they're amazing though for not chafing oh yeah i know they're great but they only got me at sound and fury you got like four hours before they're just like a bandana that a hell's angel uses to ride across route 66 like he uses a seat cover yeah i wore them on the plane and i was like walking by people's heads and my crotch was right there i was like that probably doesn't smell too

good i didn't wash them before i wore them i feel so bad when people are sitting on that subway and then i get in and then i just stand with my ass and balls right in front of their like 65 year old french face yeah you're all post coital yeah it's like did i just come from the fromagerie no i walked for three hours i'm making a whole new strain of cheese. You probably slimed him last night, so your dick stinks. Yes, no? Oh, he's taking the fifth. Of water. A fifth of a liter.

You went to sound and fury. I went to sound and balls of fury, and it sucked. Dustin Ibarra yelled at me. Quit impersonating me. Quit looking like me. Grow your beard back. Who's that loser? Dustin Ibarra.

We've covered the saga on this podcast. He's a guy who looks like Lund. When I shaved my beard all the way down, he immediately was like, you look like Dustin Ibarra. And then Becker pulled him up and was like, oh God. If I had thinner eyebrows

and if my hair was still longer, then we would look very similar. Eerie. Yeah. Somebody can't get enough of him. I can't think of who. A friend of ours likes him. I have no idea. Nobody likes him.

Probably Becker. Somebody likes him. Becker's probably a secret Ybarra head. Is he a Gundam? Becker loves him if he's a Gundam. Oh, it's a dude I went to high school with. So you two have wanted to kill each other since you got to Paris. No.

We have a cute father-son relationship. We have a will-they-want-they father-son relationship. It's very Parisian. I was a little mean to him once once and you are really trying to play it up you're trying to make us fight more i think you're the puppet master well no it's because i had a flashback to my parents fighting and right away i tried to dance for you guys to oh yeah last night in the yeah on the uber home it wasn't we had something very benign and you were like please don't not in front of me i won't be able to sleep and we were like what and you're like oh that was pretty intense and we were like no it wasn't what are you talking

and then i told you that the reason i felt that way is because when i was a boy my parents would argue and i would do everything in my power to keep them from getting divorced your parents would argue and then you would hide under their bed and then they would make up and you were still under there and it scarred you because you would masturbate to them making love and that's why noises get me moises that's why i love to listen to the expos 89 championship run pat's had two awful wake-ups since he's been in Paris. Well, that's his fault for sleeping so long. Shut up. Eventually were the alarm clocks.

I didn't fucking bitch out the first night. I needed that extra sleep. I didn't bitch out either. I just slept. Here we go. I just chose to sleep instead of being a little baby who complains about how tie-tie they are instead of doing

something about it. Yeah, Pat, you need to eat a meal before you talk to me with that mouth. I ate a meal today. I just chunked pretty good, so. Oh, thank God. The wait is over. Yeah. Hallelujah. He chunked.

Called the press. Hallelujah. And Patrick sat on that dirty throne and pounded a big old wad of it home. And everybody sang hallelujah. He left butt residue on the bowl. And Lund called him out. It was out of control. And Lund said, please clean up all your ass lint.

That'll do ya. That'll do ya. I had a lot of fun today at Jim Morrison's grave singing different versions of Doors songs. It was really just the one. Which one is that?

I sat right down and ate a big burrito. Yeah, it's hard to do spoof songs with the doors because they don't have any catchy songs or good songs so it's tough i'm not even just being a hipster contrarian the doors unequivocally stink no it's barely music they're for no also no fat people that have sex to no shit baby punch the fun ruckers closes they're like oh what are we gonna do what the fuck pat i have to stretch out my back yeah because you've been carrying this pod for two minutes i laid right down and ruined the shot on the podcast it actually looks cool this way you look like

jim morrison's corpse if he was a basketball fan you look like his body when they found it pat did you lay down on stage last night he couldn't nope maybe tonight no i don't know you just do that when you're bombing or what no it's like a once in a while treat just when you feel like it does it go with a certain joke no not really for a while i was doing like uh i have a bunch of one-liners but i can only do them in my favorite yoga pose so i have to get in corpse pose you didn't get jfl huh you got the andy kauf thank god I didn't get JFL dude Pat if you did JFL you would be the biggest thing in Canada

since poutine they'd be like have you seen senior giganto monseigneur gross star have you seen the tet king is this a Patreon or a Rego this is a Rego I saw the Jfl fucking lineup this year

fucking bullshit yeah our friend derrick shroop did it well i mean there's still some good folks on there he's my friend you guys have distanced yourself from him but he's my friend still i love shroop i have shroop throat because i sucked him off right before montreal i tried to text him congratulations on getting engaged, and he has a different phone number that he didn't tell me about. Yeah, John Chris got him a new phone. Oh, shit. We probably should have turned that off already.

Did the fan just turn off? I think it's a timer. Oh, fuck. We're doomed. The fan thinks that Pat is gross, and it broke. The fan knows how bad Pat smells, and he's tired of pushing his stink lines towards us. It's been like this the whole time. The fan actually should turn on so that I can push Pat's stink away from it.

Just two insecure middle-aged guys attacking a beautiful young Gen Z man. Imagine having sex on a motorcycle inside of an airplane. I liked the first version, which was something about being a motorcycle on an airplane. Being a motorcycle inside of an airplane. You're a motorcycle, but you still have to fly somewhere. Yeah. So you get three seats. seats yeah you fly from pueblo to denver as a motorcycle i could have rolled baby roll but gas was more i used points

i had so many miles yeah jim morrison man i don't uh i'm gonna get a lot of heat for this i know all of our podcast fans or shop teachers in Des Moines who love to put those three fingers that are left on their hand inside of their pupils to the doors, but it's not for me, man. Yeah, it's pretty gay. Well, so we don't do that here. We saw Oscar Wilde. Oscar Wilde slaps.

Now that guy was gay. He was gay? Yeah. He had some bars too he did i remember when he said he had 99 problems but getting pussy wasn't one because he doesn't like it and it makes him puke yeah it wasn't a problem it was a solution i don't like your vertical smile. When I think of it, it makes me something that rhymes with smile. Recoil. Recoil and jest. When I touch your breast, I would fake it until I make it. And then I would go jerk off to pictures of Raul Julia.

Are you going to have some rosé? Let it get warm? I want to heat up my rosé god it's hot in here why is there no air conditioning there's no ac in europe in tokyo we were blasting that shit and it was sweet sweet relief after walking around all day getting cool content for the boys and gals and now here we don't get that relief it's just hell out there and then hell in here dude i turned on the air conditioning when i got there and it wasn't off for eight days yeah i just left it on and i remember i turned it on i had that day there before and when i came

back from the suck i mean when i came back from the that's why you went early a suck fest sucky ducky quack quack no i didn't get sucked there but i lament not making myself available to the sex workers in tokyo no come on no i could have walked around in my uh nike five inch bike shorts and then made a real midnight deposit in there they all would have hung themselves there wouldn't have been any leftover branches at the suicide forest if I wouldn't have got sucked in Tokyo. That would have been the biggest terrorist attack since Aum Shinrikyo.

Birds would have gone extinct in the suicide forest because they didn't have places to use their nests. I gotta say, being here makes me horny. Yeah? Dude, everyone's hot as fuck. Everyone's hot as fuck. The bra embargo of 93 has not been lifted. They're just swinging them.

It's just fucking... Nippers everywhere. I've seen quite a few bras, but they don't do a great job of constricting or hiding or minimizing. It's all, it's just for show. It's just the barest of support. I mean, I've just seen straight up wife beaters

with pierced nipples. Jonglers. Dude. I hate how low rise baggy pants for women are back. It looks so shit to me yeah but who cares said the guy wearing the three-piece suit says the guy barely able to speak wearing overalls says the human balloon deflating you guys just wear seven brand strong shirts you don't know anything we're in the capital of fashion. We look good. Bro, I have a little ascot on.

Yeah, that's cool. You know what's not cool is we're wearing these Seven Strong shirts right out of the bag so they have the factory creases on them. So that makes it... Oh yeah, you mentioned that on stage. They clapped.

Yeah, they liked it. Yeah, they were like, oh, finally. I said, this is not ironed. It's just straight out of the bag like yes they clapped me off stage they decided i was done yeah they should have started clapping eight minutes earlier 12 you said something that made it seem like you were getting off like this has been fun no he said i came i. It sounded like he got off.

Yeah, but they also just really started clapping. You mentioned Colorado eight times. There was no fucking context for the show. I went up cold. I didn't know what to do. That Hugo guy blew it. He's like, I don't know what the lineup should be like i don't know what the lineup should be i don't know what the lineup should be it's like you produce the show fucking retard whoa easy buddy no he was nice i'm just grumpy he did just throw you to the wolves then you walked up there it's your first

day ever outside of america your first time ever doing stand-up outside of america and you go right into your like i like to listen i like to listen to smash mouth while i'm playing with my power wheels it's just like all a bunch of american references right away you're like the denver broncos are better than um than uh chef boyardee beefaroni because surge lol that's pat stand up like can i has hot topic i was in the hormel chili aisle at walmart yeah but i got tet well you go boss it was nice of hugo Hugo to swallow his pride and choke on the rind because he had too many people on the show. And that makes him empty inside. Instead of also doing time, he like got out of the way.

Found nothing but faith in nothing. You're not the one that had to go first. I offered to go first. It's so easy for you to say. I offered to go first. I'm the one just explaining. I'm not using it as an excuse. That show just sucked.

All right. I did a good job, so I don't know what you guys did wrong. They clapped for your shirt. Should have done the good stuff. Should have done my jokes. Then you would have had more fun. I ordered a Crave case and they gave me two this is the best day of my life since my daughters was born jim morrison whoops on in the storm

writers strong on boy meets world i like how you said soups on on stage last night yeah hell yeah that's good catchphrase i want to try to get 5.1 thousand views oh yeah up from 5 000 that's so funny you were like yeah youtube's pissed because my special got 5,000 views in three weeks. In three weeks. That's too many. It's like too much for their algorithm. Yeah, they had to...

Servers melted. They had to throttle the bandwidth. They had to hire more customer service operators to handle all the complaints because they couldn't watch a lot of YouTube videos because mine was sucking up all of their gigawatts. Yeah, Mr. Beast went broke. It has been a little frustrating to see some of the other comics in the world touting their views when their special is probably complete garbage. And then mine is good. And I have a decent little fan base and listeners and friends you're our

your fans are really petite people a bunch of little tinies a lot of smushos some halflings some guiglonians the sewer folks usually don't get too tall you know because didn't you speak at gary coleman's funeral they'd bang their head he did the freak at Gary Coleman's funeral. Me and the guy that played rerun on What's Happening did the dance together. You played RiRi. It's funny here that you can just say retard and no one's mad at you because it means something else. Yeah. What are you doing?

I wanted to show everyone a Seven Strong brand shirt fresh out of the bag. Unboxinging. Look at that. It's a pink long sleeve? God, what am I going to do? Wear this to Oscar Wilde's grave? Happy Easter, everybody. Jesus Christ.

Every day is Disappoint Your Father's Day. No, we love the shirts. Yeah, they're great. I wear them. This is the blue, and then that's the pink. And this one's the turquoise they're not a sponsor miami vice one writers on my peen sucking off some cream we're tie tie that's okay i'm carrying it what else is new? I'm talking, too. Look at this. Look at me. Is it good or bad?

It's good. Oh, good. It's touched his balls. The camera's far away, so I'm hoping that I don't look as gross as I feel. No, you don't look that gross, bro. I'm definitely going to zoom it in. No, you're not allowed to do that. Yeah, here's a tip, Sam. Maybe we shouldn't do week-long, hit the pavement for seven days,

trying to film everywhere we go. In July and August. It's September. It's the very beginning of September. It's still very hot. We should maybe do some fall and winter shit. That's when we could thrive. If it was nice and chilly hey man you know it's i'm glad you guys are complaining about getting flown to paris

and put up to uh walk around with your friend while pretending to do sound to hate life yeah what what that was supposed to me no one's been telling everyone he's the sound guy really he's going up to chicks and being like yeah i'm a sound guy for a barstool show i'm not the sound guy i'm the editor you you're the fucking you're the fra tour you're on the subway rubbing your peen against people's shoulders fratage what about fratage with fromage where you rub your peen on a big old brick of cheese? Shut up. Give me TET. Till everything stinks.

That's how they make Swiss cheese. Give me TET. I'm not going to give you TET. I'm going to give you ten bucks and tell you to go spend it on something. An elf bar? Oh, yeah. Let me see your vape. It was a baby one. It's already dead because Andrew was honking on it mad hard. Oh, yeah. Spud from War Mode wrecked your vape. It was a baby one. It's already dead because Andrew was honking on it mad hard. Oh, yeah. Spud from War Mode wrecked your vape.

Dude, I was feeding it to him. He was making me laugh. Yeah, he's really funny. He's very funny. It's so funny he just came to France by himself. I saw the Archangel Michael's grave. I've done a lot of cool stuff in France before you guys got here and bogged me down like wet undies you can't unring. Where was Michael's grave? On

Saint-Michel. It's on an island in Normandy. Look, guys, here's the thing about Normandy. They gave America Omaha Beach. We own that strip of land as a little thank you for what we did up there. We bailed them out of that whole German whoopsie. Here's somethingance doesn't want to talk about the germans came in and they're

like look you can have half the country we'll occupy the other half all you gotta do is give us 10 000 jews a week and the french were like uh deal all right hey two birds one stone uh so the french don't really talk about that but i was up in normandy and they gave us a 10 like mile strip of land as like a hey thanks but france actually saved america's ass during the revolutionary war because they wanted to give a big f you to great britain so they just funneled a bunch of fucking money over to us so that we could raise hell against the Redcoats. Yeah. So we were just paying back a favor. That's all we were doing.

Yeah. Amen. I thought that might contribute a little bit to the conversation. Well, I wasn't there. It took the opportunity to go, yeah. Yeah, I'm glad that you saw a grave for an angel because that makes sense why the hell would an angel be buried in the sand he's buried in an abbey in a fucking ancient tomb

saint michael they angels are non-binary they actually are they don't have genitals they're like big eyes yeah in the bible in the old testament they're just like big eyes. Yeah. In the Bible, in the Old Testament, they're just like big eyes. Now, what about the Nephilim? You guys know about these? Heffalump? The giants. Not the heffalumps and woozles. Heffalumps and woozles. No.

You're a heffahump, and you're a woozle. I'm a boozle. No. So, the Nephilim are the ancient giants, and they keep saying they find their bones in India and Kazakhstan. Oh. Yes. But it's just dinosaurs?

I think it's just dinosaurs that are straight and long, reptile style. Mmm. I wish we had some dinosaurs, little dinosaur gummies. Is that real? No. He said dinosaurs weird, and it made me think of gummies. This is a good one. You guys couldn't be less present for this.

My fucking testicle hurts. Let's talk about that. I'm third mic, so I don't know how much of the rains I should be taking in general. You have sounded like a... Go to bed. You sound like when they hit the back door in an Uber on a van and the door slowly slides closed. I always sound like that it's my brand fuck i fucking stink so are we gonna all shower together before the show

what's the deal no we the showers aren't is this one big no it's one upstairs is tiny small don't go in there i'm gonna go in there no you have to shower upstairs since you made bonzo sleep on the couch even though he's holding the mic you poop pooped upstairs, so I'm going to shower downstairs. We'll have a nice little bathroom exchange. Oh, I didn't know that there was some fucking... Oh, I didn't know that it made sense to go upstairs. You went past your bathroom that you've been using to go upstairs to use that one. Wait, I just used that logic on you and you said it wasn't a win.

Wow. Wow, you just got caught in a fucking loop self what did you do you didn't do anything you were you took a notepad into the bathroom down here and was like you did this wrong you did this wrong and i was like you where's your room and you said upstairs and i said exactly interesting and now you're using that exact logic on Sam Well. Let's order you... Really, you guys can both shut up because... I won. I win.

I win. The main thing that is gross is that you turded in a public... Well, not public, but a shared bathroom. Real quick. No, I'm talking. That wasn't a turd. All right. What do you mean?

I uncorked a wet bottle. There's nothing solid about what came out of me so to call it a turd is to be deceptive no i'm saying patrick used this bathroom that he knows other people are going to want to use whether they live down here or up there either way well sam is a freak he doesn't care about stuff like that and i thought that we were the downstairs guys we use the downstairs bath i really don't care because i don't see color that's why he's so awesome i don't see any kind That's why he's so awesome. I don't see any kind of division.

We should talk about the most beautiful thing that happened today. Oh, what was it? Sam helped that lady carry that baby up the stairs. Yeah, she didn't want him to either. No, she was very excited to have help. I did. I helped that, I don't want to say Muslim woman, Muslim person, carry her baby carriage up the stairs. I helped that, I don't want to say Muslim woman, Muslim person,

carry her baby carriage up the stairs. And it was beautiful. And a bunch of French people. I'm rummaging while telling a story. And a bunch of French people clapped when we came up, and it really ended racism in France. But, you know what was crazy is when we saw that protest today. I tried to Google that. It just came up with the yellow vest shit.

Right. So we saw a bunch of yellow fellas. Yellow shirts. And those kids protesting. There was people doing football songs. And then there was people doing peaceful tights. It was a confusing scene yes uh so there was a fountain and a bunch of kids got in it and they were singing like uh some kind

of french gibberish meanwhile there was a very i'm sure it wasn't gibberish they were also like they had soap and they were like dumping soap on they were they were like let's get clean yeah so maybe it was some reactionary racist stuff. I should have got in there with them because I need to be cleaned up. It was fun, but I didn't know what they were doing. Yeah, they were like chanting or something. And meanwhile, there were just some very old Chinese people doing Tai Chi in protest of human organ trafficking. Yeah.

I think those yellow kids were in favor of human organ trafficking. Yeah, they were saying, give me your kidneys. Yeah. I think those yellow kids were in favor of human organ trafficking. Yeah, they were saying, give me your kidneys. Yeah. But in French. Lund said that they were there protesting they wanted bigger balls, smaller dicks, which made me laugh. Oh, yeah, that's right. Hey, that's how it was supposed to be. This whole thing about the bigger the better is bullshit.

It's against god the angel michael would be pissed if he weren't dead and if he was in the south of france there's a north of france north nor mandy oh yeah which is a gothic girl i know named amanda she's very into like noir and she goes by mandy and see those are jokes we can make when we're in it and we're present and we're riffing together. Let's go this way. Ready on three. I'll go first.

One. What? Two. Three. Okay, now we got the hive mind going. Do you hear this? That's an improv team. That's the hive mind buzzing.

Oh, brother. Hey, honey, I've got got something for you it's more of your namesake and then the bees make honey yes and then somebody accidentally stings their partner and that means they die that's right but they actually the partner is sting the bass player from the police. Did he play bass? Oh, he played bass, yeah. And he plays bass for so long, the B actually lives because of his tantric bass play. Pat sat up. He looks like a young werewolf. That's good.

Oh, werewolves in Paris. We should cover that. We should do a shot for shot remake and sing all the lyrics to that Kanye and Jay-Z song. Yeah. We should do that while we're here. Fellas in Paris. Whoa. Guigos in Paris.

We're going to smush to one song and one song only. Have you guys ever thought about what it would be like to not have any legs or arms and just get around by like inchworming around on your bellies that'd be awful it'd be really bad if they didn't have wheels imagine a world with no wheels so you have to you don't have any arms or legs and you just have to inchworm around or hopefully people come by and pick you up like i did that baby carriage and carry you up the stairs why would you just roll sideways like a lot you can't do that momentum no shoulders to help your hips don't lie nothing to get you going all you do is lie right there in one spot you're not going nowhere you'd be a good fuck hole you could make a lot of money being a fuck hole i think what

i would do is i would carry a little rope in my teeth, and when I got to a staircase, I would go, drag me to the top of the stairs, and then I would have someone drag me up, just bump, like a big sack of potatoes, just bumping. You'd have hard skin like a wrestler. I would. I would have scales. That's cool. You'd be leathered, yeah. Yeah.

I don't know if you guys ever saw that movie Freaks, One of Us, One of Us. Yeah, old movie. You know that guy without any fucking arms or legs who rolls a cigarette with his mouth yeah that guy would be king yeah whoa that movie's not i wish you could do that because you've been rolling a lot of them with your uh feet and it's been gross let's not go crazy i haven't been rolling cigarettes with my feet you did using my male clitoris, a.k.a. my penile attachment, a.k.a. mama's little tackle gift. Well, it's pretty easy when you got those big balls to rest the joint.

So the tobacco, yes. I put the paper between my penis and my balls. And then using my foreskin, it's no longer there. I ghost roll it, as they call it. And luckily, I'm always leaking pre-cum so i can lick the cigarette closed and i say oh there's a package here from monsignor snail because my glangus looks like a gastropod you would be a male gastropod that means belly on your feet no it doesn't yes it does gastropod means belly on your feet and that's why gastropods drag their bellies around on the ground.

All right. Look, guys. How gross is this neckerchief you've been wearing? Not that gross. Does it smell bad? It smells bad. No, it doesn't. Is it silk?

It does. It smells bad. No. Just from your neck and your throat. It doesn't smell that bad. It smells weird. Last night when I was having see you later intercourse with my wife, and your throat. It doesn't smell that bad. It smells weird. Last night when I was having see you later intercourse with my wife,

I said, who wants to be the baby and who wants to be the bird? The answer was... And she said, shut up. Yeah, she said, just finish. Did she try to get it on in the bathroom, the fancy bathroom?

Yeah, and then who came... And you said, I'm full. No, then who came traipsing down there but one Anthony Bonzo Sandrin? Hey, what are you guys doing? Hey, what's going on down here? How are babies made? I'm the third now, right? I'm a third.

I took your wife on a romantic date to the Eiffel Tower. That prick. I'm going to pull up the ad. You guys vamped for literally two seconds. It made sense. What was your favorite? Oh, you want to continue? Go ad. You guys vamped for literally two seconds. It made sense. What was your favorite? Oh, you want to continue? Go ahead.

Well, yeah, we were just talking about stuff. It would make sense instead of going to comedy shows to go to the Eiffel Tower with Bonzo and get wasted. But it would have been nice to have Emily around longer. She had to leave today. I miss her. DJ Emmy. What were you going to say? What's your favorite dinosaur? Emily around longer. She had to leave today. Como se dice, Emmy? What were you going to say? What's your favorite dinosaur?

Yeah, what is? Brontosaurus. No, I was going to ask you what your favorite thing we did today was. Or yesterday. He's going to be like, no, that's a stupid question. Nothing sticks out. No, I'm trying to think of something

that was actually cool instead of just being a sweaty mess you haven't had any fun still thinking i don't know what the best my favorite thing was because it's all just kind of been because you're not a baby who has favorite things yeah because i don't react no you're the you're the one that doesn't have feelings. Every time I get annoyed by somebody, you're like, you shouldn't react to stuff. That's how you die young. I've never said anything about dying young. You should be chill.

You go, everything is everything, man. I'm a hippie, secretly, even though people think I'm an anarcho-capitalist. Ew. That's what you are. I'd rather die than be an ANCAP brother. No, you wouldn't. You'd rather die than be an ANCAP brother No you wouldn't You'd rather live and be an ANCAP brother

If you're thinking of killing yourself Our sponsor might help you That's probably not what they want It is This episode's brought to you by BetterHelp We have a limited amount of time in life Jesus You better let an AI talk to you about your mental health.

Hold on. Is that true? I thought I was going to live forever. We're all dying in 2029. What? Why do you know that, BetterHelp? You guys didn't know what the cemetery was? No.

I thought those were just really uncomfortable beds. I thought French people all like to take naps on concrete and marble. Yeah, I just kind of thought that you died for like six months to a year and a half, and then you came back and you were like, what did I miss? Yeah, I thought it was like a mid-season reboot of a network show. You wake up and then you're like, man, low-rise jeans are back. Somebody kill me again. What, everyone's wearing two bras now?

This sucks. I'll see you in the meat grinder. Feed me to the cats. Feed me, Seymour. Why is it so hot in here? I don't know. Because there's no goddamn air conditioning. Bonzo, help us.

Bonzo, will you come fan us? Please? Oh, he wagged the finger. What, are you going to have some fucking rosé? No, it's nice and hot. Bonzo, what's your favorite part of paris so far yeah yeah he couldn't get enough of the youth dancing on the sen yeah bonzo's never seen anyone have fun in the states never seen mardi gras or a pre-game uh tailgate party he's never been to to a Harlem Globetrotters game.

A rave. Kids' Choice Awards. I got a tattoo the other day in Les Sables. Wow. Yeah. Yeah, it's bad. Holy shit. You have a good button.

I like your belly button. What the heck, dude? What? Why is it so hard? you can feel all my organs because my abdominal wall is gone whoa look at that guy ow my bladder looks like a butterball yeah that's great um thank you yeah no it's fun to touch it's fun to feel i got a tattoo my wife and i my wife got life in the fast lane on her foot and i posted this foot picture it's fun to feel i got a tattoo my wife and i my wife got life in the fast lane on her foot and i posted this picture it's crazy is she listened to the eagles no she just likes that

phrase she has everyone thinks she's like a smart doctor who knows stuff no she has the fucking memory of a rodent she's just like running around in a circle inside of her little man-made cage being like oh life in the fastland i'll get tattooed on my foot forever i thought that her and her poly friend had like an ironic bit or something they like said it once when they were 15 and now 40 years later they were like let's memorialize that time back in the day when dance dance revolution was all the rage and people couldn't get enough of the first season of survivor and that's just more proof that women are gay and you shouldn't talk to them it's anti-women this is a fella's cast no we're pro women on this we have a lot of cool chicks

our whole thing is like chicks who have them letting us see him sending them to lun and he doesn't tell Creech. That doesn't happen. You know what you guys should do, honestly? If you want to send your big meaty milkers, send them to Pat. Oh, sure. Yeah. Pat's non-binary.

He doesn't see each other. I'm a baby. Yeah. Send him to Pat so he can be like, whoa, that's tight, dude. Whoa, that's freaking sick. You can put him in the group chat and be like, all these chicks want tight, dude. Whoa, that's freaking sick. He can put him in the group chat and be like, all these chicks want to bang me, but I just want to play, I want to role play as Dragon Ball. I just want to get tet while I play Ghost of Tsushima. Oh, dude, Ghost of Tsushima.

You know what might have been my favorite part of the trip was when Pat and I bonded over the fact that our best friends are Kobos and Sam, who both get laughs from the dumbest shit you can imagine, just baby talk and rhyming. And then Pat and I try to come up with good jokes, and sometimes they fall on deaf ears. And so we got to have a nice time with that last night. Well, I can write a Pat joke for you.

Please do. Imagine if the Buffalo Bills were in the cast of Are You Afraid of the Dark? I just go on stage and Fran's like, so you all know how the Buffalo Bills lost five Super Bowls, right? And I just talk about the NFL the whole time? Well, yeah, you just do a reference and then do another reference and then make it a question you're like what if an aol disc was uh in the band sugar ray wouldn't that be crazy all right that's my time it's like an ai tweet no pat i'm just kidding

you're getting there. You're great. Figuring it out. No, but we got this tattoo from this guy named Sebastian. And we walk in and he kind of rolls his eyes because we look like squares. And he's like, all right, do you guys want a drink? And I was like, yeah, pastis. And he went, oh, and I went, Ricard? And he went, oh, and then he walked me into the gas station and introduced me as Sam Talent,

the famous comedian who's from Detroit and best friends with Eminem. And the lady behind the counter was like, I love Eminem! And then gave me some free candies. She was in the B-52s. I love Eminem! 8 Mile is my favorite film. I don't care that his daughter is cool.

We were at the beach. Everyone was doing Eminem's bars. Kim's a bitch. Haley's hot, but no one can say it. How old is she? Old enough for me. I've been in France for a while. She's like 25. You're Oscar Wilde-ing out.

Nick Cannon presents Oscar Wilde-ing out. We got these gay guys. Now that's funny enough. But now we're going to make them battle rap. Pat's on the show. Pat's the star. But yeah, so when we get these tattoos, we're hanging out. And then I noticed that displayed prominently on a bookshelf over the tattoo desk.

Oh, yeah. Mein Kampf. And like a first edition copy with like Hitler smiling on the back. Signed. Yeah, signed Mein Kampf. I mean, it was weird because there was like a smiling, like it looked like a Polaroid of Hitler. As if like it was, imagine the back, what's the fucking cover copy,

the back cover copy for Mein Kampf? Like Adolf Hitler was a young artist who made his way through this. Yeah, he climbed his way up the ranks of old East Berlin. He's got pull quotes from Goebbels and Stalin. The B-52s. Mussolini. Yeah, I meant to say Mussolini not Stalin

One guy One guy definitely Didn't lose his weenie It's good to have a Quote from your enemy On there too Just to like Flesh it out

Trotsky's like I'm not sure Oh you know what I am Sure about though Getting paid I'm sure that this episode Is brought to you by BetterHelp We have a limited

amount of time in life it's important to spend it in a way that feels right to you whether that be microwaving cups of cheese and eating it with pretzels or putting your balls in a glove and asking people if you want to shake hands better helps online therapy can help you make decisions that align you with your values and lead you towards the life you want. And if that life is maybe putting a spaghetti bowl on your head and saying spaghetti bowl, not a bowl of spaghetti, a bowl specifically for spaghetti designed for spaghetti. Maybe you like sitting in a public sink. And when people come in, you say, I made a boom boom. Who's going to change me?

Whatever you want your life to be, if you've been thinking of starting therapy, give BetterHelp a try. It's totally online, much like Patrick, and it's convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule, just like me. Flexible, unlike Patrick. With appointments by phone, by video call,

or by massage. Oh, message. Make therapy work for your lifestyle. Guys, what's a personal endorsement you can tell us about it? Well, I don't know. I was sick in the brain, and then I talked to the AI on BetterHelp and it's not ai alan iverson's not

working for better help it's but if he was that would be sick hey let's do it ready i'll be alan iverson and you be sad uh hey better help what up young blood oh hey i i just haven't been feeling myself that colors just aren't looking as bright. Food just doesn't taste as good. Have you tried practicing better health goals? Like? Practice. Practice what? We're talking about practice?

You brought it up. Practice? You want to talk about practice? Who is this? Allen Iverson? Oh, shit. You a fan? This is the answer? Yes, it is yes it is hey man i've been wondering

do you want to shake hands that's just a glove on your balls that's actually gary payton with my balls in his hand who wants to shake hands with beef i'm'm a huge Primus fan, man. AI loves bumping. Love bumping the Primo. Did you know the Gloves' son is in the NBA and they call him the Mitten? Yeah. That's cool. Is that right?

Mm-hmm. So that's a personal endorsement for you guys. I'll say this. I got a bachelor's degree in psychology and i think that it's uh much better to talk to somebody about your problems than to keep them hold up until you end up taking all of your frustrations out on your best friend patrick and i for that i apologize i have a psych degree i should know better and i have an english degree i should be able to communicate my feelings better all right well we're getting there and I have a communications degree

so I can help you guys communicate better. That's true but it's from a community college. It's from Metro State University bitch. You're a fucking old ass school. Lots of accreditation. 1874. So suck it. It's practically Ivy League. Tar Heels.

You did? Oh. Northern Colorado. You guys are what the Grizzlies? Bears. You guys are the Wolfpack because everyone who goes to Reno loves the Hangover. We were NWO, red and black. That is that's like for your essay to get into

Reno, you have to write why you love the Hangover so much. Except I'm so old that I went to UNR before the Hangover came out. Wow. How about that? Holy crap. Yeah, I'm old as hell.

Can we go to your reunion together and I'll pretend to be your gay husband? My 20-year college reunion would be next year. Holy shit. Also next year, my 20-year stand-up anniversary. Wow. Damn. And you know what?

20 years of doing stand-up gets you 5,000 views on YouTube. Check out Subzan, please, or else I'll need more than BetterHelp. I'll be going to BetterGun.com. Which is not a sponsor. But if you want to... BetterHelp is, if you want to get started, it's easy.

Take a short quiz to get a match with a licensed therapist. If your first therapist isn't thrilling you, don't panic. You can swap the rapist with the click of a button. No. Oh, sorry. You can swap therapists with the click of a button. It's basically like Tinder. Oh, this guy's black.

It's basically like Tinder, but for your mental health. We know you'll meet the perfect match. Let BetterHelp be your map with BetterHelp. No, I have to say this verbatim. Let therapy be your map with BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com slash Chubby today to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Chubby,ubby today i can make fun of it because i'm the guest no you're asking yeah we don't make fun of better help we don't make fun of our sponsors

oh except for factor no we have fun with factor, we have fun with Factor. Factor. We have fun thanks to Factor. What's Factor? Meal delivery that isn't paying us, so shut up about it. They're paying us. Not this week. They didn't send any food. Oh, yeah. I'm fine with that.

Yeah, you know what, man? I don't give a shit. It'd be funny if BetterHelp sent us a trial amount of time. Or an AOL disc, but it's for a certain amount of hours of therapy. Yeah, if he talked to me, disc but it's for an hour a certain amount of hours of therapy yeah if he talked to me you and patrick for an hour he we hear him typing it's like what are you doing he's like i'm going to betterhelp.com i need to talk to somebody about this they probably just like have customers chat with each other so they're making it on the back end and the front end oh shit that would be fucked up

um you know what's fucked up is that all i think my austin texas shows are sold out according to the website that's rogan's comedy club that rules me you and brent gill chopping it up the gillam you swap me out for gill i have to follow gill hot gill gill begged oh, Gil is at it again Gil needs a win this time Just let me get booked at Rogan's Club once And it'll all be alright I'm Brent Gil I've been doing stand-up longer Than Patrick's had pubes above his dick

But good God If I can just get one tricky W Down at Rogan's Giggle Hut I'll be back in the saddle again maybe if i say back in the saddle again emily will get it tattooed on her other foot and i can post that picture for perverts to rub their nubs too maybe in the saddle again is uh who aerosmith it's not the who it's aerosmith imagine jerking off to a foot imagine a world where a foot does it for you what happened to you what robert crumb-esque upbringing do you have in that tenement in brooklyn where a fucking foot gets you pingo jones

it is interesting i i'm not one of those people um but i don't judge i think it's if you're looking at a foot when you get a boner or get wet for the first time it's like imprinting no dude i think it's imprinting i think it's your mom or your stern aunt you were on the ground crawling around as a baby you're sucking on their toes well not even that but you just see their foot as you're looking up at them and they look like this towering fucking monument of femininity and where does it start right there in the hoof right there in the foot maybe you are a foot guy i'm not a foot guy you're knee high to a grasshopper you know what's weird rubbing your dick on the carpet as you slug yourself across the living room floor as you one of us as you gwego your way into the

kitchen if you look at my search page it's not uh it's not like big tits in general it's like the same pair of tits well now it's just all fucking kids with down syndrome um yeah or like a little boy with a mustache look at him that's fun he's cool looks kind of like you but yeah that's probably from all the fucked up shit me yeah you guys have poisoned my group chat algorithm with. I swear to God. What are you looking for? I'm trying to find. One account? And it's also little people.

It's little people singing. It's a lot of Latino dwarves rapping and rolling around. My search page sucks. Was that Little Chulo from the Micro Wrestler Federation? Look, another dwarf. This guy looks like Sheech and Chong. Yeah, no, he looks like

the Iron Sheik and he's dancing around in big shorts. Oh, whoa, Billy Bob Thornton honking the shit out of Angelina's Hooters. Oh, hell yeah. Pod's over. I gotta go do some more ground work.

Whoa, Asian guy soaked on sandwich. Look at that. Ground. You know what's been fun? Pressing our bellies together on the train and going. That was good. Look at this kid. Look at him.

He's not well. He's fine. He's got some kind of disease. He's got reverse smusha where his face is smushed in. He loves noodles. His cheeks are fucked. He slurps a lot of noodles. I've seen him. He rocks.

Where is the pear that makes me care? Yeah, he's scrolling his Insta. Well, I do want to see the pear, but we're out of time. No. Pat, what are we at on over there? We have 10 minutes left really all right keep scrolling ish almost exactly 10 minutes left okay you guys fill time while i find this pair while you fill your diaper whoa that baby's eating a whole kiwi that's not kiwi sounds good

so kiwis are really good for you oh Oh, fat guy. Oh, little guy basketball. Whoa, from downtown. Oh, shit. He turned that boy into a missile. The other little guy does a Mitch Jones. Just unassisted eating of shit. I can't believe there's not video evidence of that. That was so funny.

Mitch Jones falling down. Yeah, it was a good one. That was my Normandy. Why have they taken the boobs away? Why'd they take the boobs away? I can't find one sweet set. There's kind of a pair, but who cares? Well, talk about the person.

Uh-uh. The account. No. I don't know the account. I just get on the old search and i do a little thumb wrestling and all of a sudden i got a lady whose back hurts i thought there was something about the bucket hat i thought there was something about the person that you were going to point out no no what i'm saying is is that it's not a certain person it's it's a different person every time but it's the exact same set of wobblers

attached to the person. What? That's what I'm saying. It's like I'm into a type of breast that is definitive enough that they can find it attached to other people and show it to me, and I still pause and reflect on

what a big, beautiful world we live in and how grateful I am. It is a big, beautiful world. Did you see that someone died at burning man oh wow did they yeah everyone's stranded there because it's flooding but i know that but somebody died they're investigating it but somebody died i saw it was 73 000 people like it used to be smaller and i knew that it got bigger but i didn't know what so when i when i heard that there was a uh torrential rain that it trapped people i was like oh i wonder how many people

73 000 that's a giant like college football stadium that's awesome and fucking eugene oregon that would make them like that would cleanse colorado so much if all those people got flooded out forever. One day a rain's gonna come and wash away all these hippie scum from in front of Chiba Hut. Yeah, that would be awesome. Oh, Chiba Hut. Speaking of, Brent's tour is gonna be fucked if those Burning Man folks don't make it out of there. Speaking of fucking waiting for the bus in front of Chiba Hut, Bonzo, you are the head coordinator for the Red Rocks bus, is that correct? You guys pick up at Chiba Hut still?

Where do you guys pick up now? Thirsty Lion or Legal Pete. Thirsty Lion or Legal Pete. Who's running these Chiba Hut bus tours? Because we should fucking hire some kind of dissident to plant a bomb on the bottom of one of those. Oh, come on. And just blow the wooks to sky high. Come on.

Some of our friends are wooks. No, I don't have any wook friends. I don't have any friends. Steve Gillespie's not our friend. AJ Finney isn't your friend? No, AJ Finney is my friend. I have associates and I have business partners. I like Steve Gillespie too.

Shut up, Allen Iverson. I do. Oh, shit. You a fan? You a fan of how I got those smooth handles? No. No. No. I'm podcasting.

I need the vape. Okay? Nunca. Mmm. Damn, that's tasty. If I had this when I was on the court, I would have averaged 30-30 in 10. What's your playing weight?

10 would have been Oh yeah, fucking Spud from War Mode Kept asking what our playing weight would be You said you could lose 100 pounds Yeah, I could easily You're clocking in at 360? 340 I'm clocking in at 360 above the rim

I'm clocking in at 360 360 Ham bone Triple fish So when i used to skateboard with bonzo um i was known as the kickflip catastrophe no you were yeah i was because i would lay down um pallets and i would see him and i could flip over one time it was like two and a half pallets. Right, Bonzo? What? Bonzo says you're full of shit. They called you Rodney Follin because you're full of food.

I bought a skateboard once. I'm going to come clean about this right here. Bonzo, this might blow your mind. I bought a skateboard once. My mom took me to Running Creek Elementary. You immediately went into the sewer. No, no no i rode around on it for like 20 minutes and it hurt and i kept falling down and then i think i told bonzo and

everyone that my skateboard broke because i tried to i was kick flipping over a trash can remember that do you remember that oh let me... Can I have some? Oh, it's Dave. That makes me laugh like that. That makes you titter. It sucked because it was all wet from Pat's lips. Pat's lips. Yeah, I say. I would kiss them way more, but every time they're too wet.

I've been meaning to tell you guys. I'm black. You have wet mouth syndrome. Oh, yeah. lips yeah i say i would i would kiss them way more but every time they're too wet i that's i've been meaning to tell you guys i'm black you have wet mouth syndrome oh yeah you kissed pat twice yesterday apropos of nothing it's too wet clean your mouth off before you kiss my mans still wet god no they're they're not you mfr why are we doing like yours i don't know i like you don't like kissing i like kissing i don't like you two kissing because there's not room for me i finally i saw the angle that emily sees where you looked good last night that's why i said i want to kiss you right now and you heard i want to kill you yes i did because i say that way more so that was not uh that was not uh out of nowhere but yeah you look good it was a good angle i was standing here's the thing sometimes when i'm

not hung over i'll look in the mirror and i'll say oh i do have it going on i know what the hype's about i know i keep receiving these anonymous panties in the po box it's not just that you're tall no it's not just that I'm tall. It's just that I'm rich and powerful and a genius in three different ways. You can be striking. What are the three ways? Improv genius, amazing drummer, writer. Three elements of hip hop.

No stand-up. I improvise when I do stand-up, too. No, you're not good at stand-up. Here's the thing. I literally, if anyone out there has an in at the MacArthur Genius Grant, maybe the National Endowment for the arts can you please just get me a big bag of money so i can fucking step back podcast four days a week that's what you guys want and just write more novels because this whole stand-up hustle i'm tired of selling out rogan's club weeks before i'm there

you know what i mean it's happened once well i'm just saying that and you're over it i'm just so tired of uh of being in paris with uh with three of my most inspiring friends and bonzo you guys count for three yeah yeah we're each one and a half i i respect that that's cool yeah i'm larger than life you're larger than one one body can't contain me hey that's mine vaping on the toilet is a decadent meal you know what you know what sucks is waking up hitting a vape and then it's all downhill from there you'll be having a poop yeah before you even stand up you're like oh why did I do that? I just vaped. Makes you feel like shit immediately.

Yeah, you're like, oh, what a big, beautiful day. I might not drink today. You already have. Oh, fuck. Not really, right? Barely. Here's your glass of rosé. Rosé, rosé.

Rochelle, Rochelle, what's that smell? It's my bird dog brand shorts. I've been in these things for four days. Ooh, we should see who's smell worse. Okay, let's do a blind smell test. Bonzo. Yeah, come on. Go put that bag over your head. Yeah.

Put on your smelling cage, Bonzo. Oh, it doesn't smell. Was that from your grundas? No, these are clean. These are clean pups. i don't like you guys not being able to riff so you just start being jacked not being able to riff you were the one that was scrolling on instagram look at this that's a good riff that's another good riff solid i'm on a roll i remembered the another door song you know you guys were only singing one and i remembered another one if your belly so imagine this imagine remember the christmas carol where scrooge finally gets done visiting the three ghosts and he wakes up finally on christmas

morning and he says you boy what day is it Get me the biggest goose you can find. That boy would run out and try and buy your belly. Yeah, I'd be walking by. And he'd start pulling on my hand. Mister, come with me. Why? Ebenezer Scrooge wants the plumpest goose in town. And you're like, nah, it's a living. Hey, split the cash with me, kid.

It's a living to immediately be killed and eaten. I had a dream yesterday. Oh, no, this morning I woke up that I was being kidnapped and people were rubbing. This was fucked. I had a dream that I was in a car and a bunch of fucking teens, like Parisian teens, opened the car door. And they had one of them had a gun.

He's like, get out. And then they started fucking honking my boobs. And they pulled my pants down and they were like we're gonna flambé your cock what yes you didn't give this whole yes story this morning they do that to flaneurs so i wake up from this fucking dream and emily was just petting me she was like touching my body with her fingers so she was doing something romantic and coy tweaking squeaking yeah like holding a holding a lighter to my dick light for touch yeah and i woke up like yeah i smelled pubes not the open flame but she would hold it on for like three minutes and then

see are you put the hot lighter you know it'd be a scary prank sans flame not even a prank but like if you're really gonna make someone like drive them to the edge of terror you kidnap them right and then you have police drive by and you signal the police as the kidnap victim and they come over and they're smiling very big and they say can we help you sir and you say these people are holding me at gunpoint they're gonna take me away and flambé my cock and the cops say have fun then they get back in their car and drive away because these cops aren't really cops they're in on it so you would just feel like no one could help you yeah it would be awful that'd be fucking scary was that in the dream yes whoa so you're pranking them after you kidnap them?

So the prank is that the cops are in on the kidnapping. What's the end game? Terror. It's all four of your limbs married to all four different corners of the earth. Whoa. What about your torso? I get to keep my torso, and then I get a lasso, and I can throw it to the top of the stairs and say,

Hey, bring me up there. I want to roll a cigarette with my lips. Grappling hook. Grappling hook. You just swallow the rope as you go up. I would have a grappling hook attachment, honestly. Oh, like Blastoise. Like Blastoise.

Grappling hook. Did he have a grappling hook attachment? No, he had a water cannon on his back yeah dude i wish i you know what i'm gonna go get in the shower and no one else is allowed to use the other one while i'm in there um yeah no shit i'm gonna wait for that one that's the big one why don't we go in together no why don't we bathe together tiny let's bathe together we haven't done that yet we've done everything else we've shared a woman we've shared a man we haven't shared any women or men we should i'll sing guiglows in in the storm while you do it guiglows in the storm speaking of the storm join the storm front that is forming what

what isn't that like a neo-nazi website storm front i wouldn't know daily stormer what are they yeah right wing why don't you storm over daily to patreon.com slash show behemoth and join our patreon there's uh over 700 of you people on there rolling around helping us log and hedgehog yeah yeah so join the patreon there's hours and hours of content on there there's great videos that patrick made including a half hour video we just posted of me in milwaukee and texas with lund that's it's very good it's very well done intriguing captivating funny you are hilarious in um the parts in milwaukee you know that i wasn't there for god damn farting in the ladies bathroom oh is that in there yeah yeah you didn't

watch it no i just assumed that you did a good job because you're the you're the maestro well that hurts my feelings patrick i was there bro but you weren't you didn't see the video who farted was that 80 yard fart i gave that to you. So yeah, join that over there. You've been saying it's good, but you didn't even watch it. Oh my God. Listen to what I'm fucking saying. I trust your vision so much. God.

Anyway, Pat's involved now. And then also, come see me in Boston. Laugh Boston, September 8th and 9th. Me too. Come see me at Let's Fest in Indianapolis. Come see me at Skank Fest. Come see me at Let's Fest. Me too. In Indianapolis. Come see me at Skank Fest. Come see me at Comedy Club Kansas City. Come see me at fucking Tampa Bay.

Get those Tampa Bay tickets. End of October. Side splitters. Yeah. And then Estonia. We have a bunch of Estonian listeners and Finnish listeners. I'm coming over there in November. Get involved.

Tickets are somewhere. I don't even know. They're on my website. September 10th in Lincoln, Nebraska. Me and Kobo are co-headlining. Who cares? No, you're doing Zubar, which is cool that it's back. Rest in peace, Brad Wenzel.

Just kidding. Brad Stewart. He would be so pissed to know you guys were headlining his show. Yeah. He would never. He never replied to me on Instagram. In my head my head i was like i'm glad he's dead but of course i didn't mean that whoa easy buddy he was my friend save it for storm front well he should have replied to my dms and maybe he wouldn't have died he was busy fighting cancer of course i'm just kidding

i don't want anyone to die of cancer hopefully you guys will have a good time you guys are flying to lincoln which is insane kobo says to fly to omaha neither of you have a car these comics are so soft they fly in now and split their 250 check why would i fly to from boston to denver and then drive to denver because you want it because you care about the game i forgot about that shut up sorry sorry buddy I'm trying to teach him a lesson we were gonna drive we were gonna drive but then I did all this am I complaining about that no well I'm telling where they can see you on YouTube soups on on youtube.com uh hopefully you can get in there I don't know if YouTube took it down due to excess popularity but if it's there then please check it out seriously I don't know if YouTube took it down due to excess popularity. But if it's there, then please check it out.

Seriously, I do want more people to see it. But thank you to the people who have watched it. I've had so much great feedback. And it makes me feel really good. Because it is stressful to try to take all of what I've done in almost 20 years and try to put it into one set i tried to do that i think it's a good representation of uh my best jokes over the last however many years i uh have told those jokes you know he won't shut up about it it must be good it's good i'm happy with it thank you four by three thank you lincoln launch and uh it's crazy

that your production company is also the exact measurements of your cock. I wish it was 4x3. That'd be sick. Four inches wide by three inches long? Like Lincoln Lodge? It's like a can of soup. God, I would eat a big can of soup right now. Yeah, confirmed.

Austin, Texas. Those shows are sold out at Rogan's Club. I will be with you in Boston, Austin, Tampa. You want to do Kansas City? Kansas City. Yep. I will be in Pittsburgh at the end of October.

So I'll have more information about that, but thanks to Will Hancock and gang and team for bringing me out. I'm going to go from Tampa to Pittsburgh and team for bringing me out. I'm going to go from Tampa to Pittsburgh, and I'm excited about that. What else? Thank you, Emily, for being here so that I could see somebody who wasn't a fucking ogre.

Emily's gone, and I'm sad. Emily's gone, but not forgotten. It's the most time I've ever spent with my wife was the last almost a full month together. More than a full month together more than a full month more yeah all of august all of august until september 3rd yeah that's nice it's nuts man you know you work so hard and it's what's what's it all about you know is it about the millions of dollars and the fucking ravenous fans who buy all your tickets at Rogan's Club. No, it's about this.

It's about family. I agree. Oh, God. I love you guys. Why not?