Chubby Behemoth - How Do We Top Thriller? w/ Doug Stanhope

Episode Date: May 23, 2024

SPONSOR: Support the show and get 10% off your entire TUSHY order. Head to https://www.hellotushy.com and use promo code CHUBBY BONUS EPISODES: https://www.Patreon.com/chubbybehemoth     This week Doug Stanhope joins the boys at Sam’s house. Doug tells us about being 73, things he would buy his way out of, and his 8 page spread in Hustler. Sam tells Doug the origin of Chubby Behemoth, is cutting and pasting ransom notes, and likes a lived in butt. Nathan gets compared to some actors, his uncle died from south skull, and tells us about the time he met Doug. Doug knows how to get a dollar off of gasoline. Turnaround is fair play!   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth   Mutiny Coffee: [e-mail]

I think it was a great amount of ice in what do you need now? Now I know why your mom killed herself. It's already a nightmare. He falls down the stairs. He's here for six months recuperating from his fall. We can't move to Detroit because we have to stay here and take care of Doug nursing back to help. He tell you about the top bunk situation. Yeah, yeah. You went over to I went over one the last time I stayed here because Bori was underneath. Yeah,

I got on top and and he vocalized what I was thinking, which is, I don't know how sure I am that you're gonna stay up there. And I was like, yeah, this sucks. And so, cause I couldn't get up to the other one. The other one has- Talking about the bunk bed? Yeah, I went over two in there.

I have a bunk bed talk when I hear it. I was scared of not of falling off the top bunk, Yeah, I went over I went over to it I Was scared of not of falling off the top bunk, but Dave Bori was underneath just like ending I got up there and I was like falling. This is for a 60 pound kid at Most you know, I didn't I didn't know who Who built that thing that is real like homemade by a church cult furniture is what that is in there yeah it's some amish strong built i wish it was amish well still they're they're uh we're in the woods basically i know it's fields but it's the woods as far as they have stout children those christians oh yeah they're a bunch of melon picking kids. Yeah. Yeah those kids are your weight they're just in shape. Yeah they're a different body

composition. I couldn't comfortably I ended up sleeping on the floor because the other the other bed. What? You slept on the ground? Yeah because the the other one has the littlest little two steps you know just little pieces of wood drilled into the wall. It's like how who what rock climbing. I think I was getting over to the viewer at the end of this to just grab the the laptop. We will. Because I love the one in the window. Yeah, that's I love. Have you ever gotten a sleeping car on a train for I've never been on a top bunk. So if yeah No as a youth I have to sleep in the engine driver's room. I have to sleep on piles of coal over there

No, I've never been in a sleeper car I know you started doing stand-up when that was how you guys all got around from one vaudeville theater to the next but no I've mostly been in cars and I sleep on airplanes now cuz United I get bumped up all the time and when I fly international I always use all the points and get up front I haven't done whatever their version what's uh it's Delta one Delta one what's United one something one 2k you're talking about the 1k that 1k that yeah your top level no because they have a secret one called global services did you get it no be so I

would walk off this podcast crying Delta 360 I know how much I fucking touted Delta yeah over the decades and the amount of like I don't walk onto a plane without a bag full of vintage Delta things to give to flight attendants. And I've been a Delta spokesman, I've worn Delta pins on my suits on specials. What? Didn't get a fucking, never got 360.

I have gotten a Porsche ride because I've been Diamond forever, highest, the actual highest highest that I know about it That you can buy like this All the airlines have a secret elite thing that you you can't buy your way into they don't have to choose you But you're kind of like being on this podcast. That's right. Yeah, a lot of people call in you know They're like hey, we I want to come on the pod the pod I want to promote I have a new show on Showtime We say no if you go on this pod but to be able to demand it

Like I did Well, yeah, you you found my address, right? As a lover and a friend right out in front of this house, yeah he was doing the he was doing the rodeo arena in town and Yeah, he was gonna stay here crash teach me some cool crowd work tricks, you know When I saw a clip of that guy cuz I'm so Removed from comedy as a like you claim that but you have just mentioned that you've watched like eight different specials recently well Yeah, no, it's actually four

exaggerating by Actually, no, I only mentioned three. It's a comedic tool. It's called exaggeration hyperbole. I know you're a truth-teller, Doug Troubadour but there's there's things that are brain rape that you can't not know as much as I try to like I use Twitter to for output Yeah, like hey, I want to sleep on your couch Go to reddit to tell me There's some things you can't avoid knowing Fucking whatever Miley Cyrus or any given thing that's pop culture that you go Um, I live in a cave. Yeah. Well, I'm so glad that you're you're up on current pop hit Tris Miley Cyrus

She's a new up-and-comer. I had a countdown of her. I'm too old to hate Matt Reif. Right. Because you go through periods in comedy where yeah, yeah I was definitely on a, I never hated Larry the Cable Guy, but I hated his audience. Sure. Because there was a period, I don't know if you kids lived through it, where in his hayday, you'd go on stage and people would just yell, get her done. No. Any, every comic yelled it. Yes. Whoa. Um, I'm sure it's kind of like the Chappelle went through that one in his comeback

where I'm rich bitch bitch and he's like, ah fuck you, I'm walking off the show. Right. So you get to a place where if you still hate someone that's successful and bad, you're like, all right, that's a level of bitterness that you just don't wanna touch. It's not a handsome look.

I'm a 73 year old man. Yeah, and for me to be bitch If you make it to 73 we're both long dead I got a passport and you go. This is probably gonna be my last passport. Yeah, dude 57 I like I don't if I hit 67. Yeah, I'm taking the under Fairly good internal shape. That's what you said you went to a doctor and he said that everything's okay But you're on a statin right except my my first labs, my triglycerides were through the roof to a fucking very dangerous level.

Interesting. Looking at like pancreatitis. So I immediately changed my diet and cut out all the unnecessary sugars, meaning I kept booze. Sure, of course. But cut out the- Man has to live. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. You make choices. So wait, so you came in high on some levels and you changed your diet and lifestyle. Yeah. And my levels fucking what? Are you hearing this? Who cares? That's all just, that's all just, you know, suggestion. Shit. Like my liver was fine.

And then when I, uh, I did labs right after New Year's, great time to look at your liver. Sure. It was like five times. I always go on Juneteenth. Because I know I'm gonna have the fattiest blood right around that. Your salts are gonna be through the roof. Yeah, and when I come back in Arbor Day next year, you know, I Just I Really have put a lot of Highway miles on the old wagon over here. So now I'm taking a step back on the booze hoping that I can I Guess reclaim some of that time the candle that I burnt

away I don't think that's how it works I think the damage is just done someone you know I get a lot of comments on how are you still alive course and I said that a lot of classic cars are great condition because of frequent maintenance and some are because they stay garaged for most of the time except for parades. Right, yeah. And I'm in the latter group. I'm in the third group. My body was built by the Japanese, so it's going to go forever. But rust thoroughly. Hey, I am a Japanese supremacist and I've said that on stage. So were they. I'm a racist, but it's on their behalf.

Yeah, they are better people than us. They got beautiful hair and manners and Godzilla and fucking panties and vending machines. Thick fingernails. Yeah, everything about them is just a little bit better. They giggle. They do giggle. Yeah, and also I hate seeing the pussy. That's my least favorite part of sex. Yeah, going on down there. I don't see it. I just need to hear it. Yeah, I just want to hear that would you would you

when you're wondering about this fucking three stooges, there's nothing worse than three guys on a couch It doesn't look a dating show it looks like you're in coach and having to make conversation Welcome to pulling teeth. Yeah, but there's a welcome to wed this water Here's there's a beautiful bar right over there. It has like five stools around it. It's like an L shape or Yeah, but the problem is Your wife is doing a jigsaw puzzle. That's early stages. That's covering up the whole fucking bar So your producer here who's? is inept your middle name?

Or? So I come down and I go, how did he work around that puzzle? And I go, oh, he ignored it. And he just moved us to the fucking awkward seating place. And I thought, it's so sad that you are now a well-paid comedian and your wife is a doctor because these are the things I would buy my way out of. I would call your wife at work. Like if your wife was a proper wife that worked at the Village Inn we just went to,

I would call her at the Village Inn and I would say, hey, Ems, Emily, hey, I'll give you $100 if I can bucket put your jigsaw puzzle back in the box and you start from scratch. And if she was poor, she'd go, yeah. You can put whatever you want in that box. Exactly. Throw it away. That's right.

At some point, learned to lean on, um, I can buy my way out of situations with poor people and that's why I only hang out with them. So this might be the last time we talk. It's your fault bro, you put me on. This is all you. This is an ivory

castle that you built for me. This is a fucking absolutely like just such a perfect set up except your landlords are across the street watching us. That's right. With nothing. Spyglass. And they call it that too. They bought it from the original box that said spyglass.

Right, yeah. At the back of a magazine. It used to be called a witching stone. And then it was a spyglass. Yeah, it was a crow's nest finder. We could have been over there, it would have been fine, but then Emily comes home, and the first thing I'm gonna hear is,

oh my God, on top of the puzzle? Are you insane? You know, when I finish that, we have to have sex. I'm like, yes, I do. That's why I keep swallowing the pieces. First of all, and we're only one camera so yeah that would suck too was There's real ZZ top vibe to it too where it's like we're over here Such a great setup and I I

Love this part of Colorado that no one ever goes to. It's crazy that you have so much of an affinity for it because everyone hates it here. Well, yeah, if you lived here. Right, yeah. But you're a temporary stay, basic. You're not even like a full-time temporary. You're on the road and you come back. I know.

Well, you're from close, Lyman. I'm close to Lyman, yeah, from Elizabeth, Colorado, which is about two hours north of here on the Eastern Plains. And I like this place because it reminds me of when I was a kid. Literally reminds me of Andy Quinn, me and Nick Hurst going out and the classic story of finding porno in the woods. But it was in the high grass. Like one of the first times I was ever hard around another kid well ever around anyone that

I remember was standing in the high grass looking at like a wee magazine with Harold Hurst who was already bald in fifth grade yeah remember when not only did you know all the names of the porno magazines you had a favorite cherry I don't remember because they were real fast and loose with the age thing well all the names of the porno magazines you had a favorite. Cherry. I don't remember. Because they were real fast and loose with the age thing. Well, Hustler was mine because, you know, because of the comedy. Hustler had like the most tasteless cartoon every month.

Mind of Mancia was launched in Hustler. It started as a print publication. What? The Mind of Mancia television show, it started in the pages of Hler where he would be like can you imagine if a car had a burrito you know man see a stuff I was doing what we call a riff in the business see Matt right was just here he taught me so much racist voice I've been in hustler I had an eight page spread in fucking Hustler. Whoa.

One of the least selling magazine of all time. Stan Hope nude. It was the genesis of my comedy career. Like the truly tasteless cartoon I remember was this obese woman of a, uh, with a small man down between her legs. And she's saying, just pick through the scabs, honey. You'll find some wet meat. This is where I'm like 12 years old. And then, so yeah, that and national lampoon were like some of my earliest comedy influences. Right. And then there was also the fuck. What was the one that did the thing about when Kennedy was shot? How LBG, no, LBJ fucked the head hole. It was a magazine that is like National Lampoon.

It's called that? Is that the name of it? Yeah, it's called LBJ. Fuck the head wound monthly Yeah, it got more and more ridiculous, you know No, fuck anyway I can't remember my dad had those magazines and I remember finding the old hustlers and also playboy had that thing where they had The little girl who was like 18 and she was always good It was like little orphan Annie what I think it was like little Orphan Annie, what I think it was called like little Orifice Annie or something. Do you know what I'm talking about?

No, I don't. But I do wanna talk to the listener. While you're watching or listening, Google search Dugstan Ope Hustler and just search the images because when they offered this to me, I said, okay, they're gonna do a pictorial with you and two girls along with the story.

And I said, I just want graphically obese women. And at the last minute they said, we could only find one. So they have one that is one, like that like over the top Barbie plastic surgery, fake tits and fake everything like beyond fake. Then a graphically obese girl. And it's really one of my favorite suits I've ever worn. And it's an eight-page spread.

So look that up. I can't, I had no idea. Carlos Mencia started that. It made sense that they might have hired him to do, like, because they have that whole, the beginning chunk is like all editorial stuff. Right. You gotta fill the whole magazine with a bunch of stuff. Yeah. Just bush. Anyway, uh, Joaquin Phoenix, when did you gain all the weight? That was when, yeah, that was a fun time to be, to be told you look like the guy that's lost his

mind and is probably going to kill him so soon soon. That's just your look all the time. It's better than Oliver Platt. I got Oliver Platt. I got Oliver Platt when I was clean shaven like once. So I was like alright never again. Because you both have the same huge red wet lips. Oh the lips. Yeah. Salad shooter. People would yell salad shooter at me. I don't know who Oliver Platt is. Oh he's in movies, he lips. Yeah. Salad shooter. People would yell salad shooter at me. I don't know who Oliver Platt is. Oh, he's in movies. He's in stuff.

Oh, I don't watch those movies. He's in stuff. You're a TV guy. You like the commercials. He likes audiobooks. I like to watch whatever he's playing on his cell phone over his shoulder. He's watching me beat Candy Crush. I watch people who constantly say, oh, oh, you never heard of that here?

Like if I said, I don't know all of our platas, here's like a 30 minute thing. He, I'm not going to watch shit. Nobody ever wants to watch what you're about to show them on your cell phone. No. And also the anxiety of showing someone something off your cell phone, knowing that they're bored. I never show anyone anything off my cell phone anymore Oh, okay today is different because I was this was like business right your commercials for right podcast

and What is this podcast called Chubby behemoth? Oh, okay, so that makes sense why your reddit handle would be Chubby behemoth That's right. Yeah, would you know where chubby behemoth comes from? No, so when son of Sam wrote all of his scary letters to the New York Post being like I'm the king of hell I'm the marauder from the dark. I'm the chubby behemoth He called himself the chubby behemoth in his like list of scary names It was supposed to terrify Manhattan And I picked it out separately. And we were like,

did you know that he called himself the chubby behemoth? You both noticed it. That's so funny. Cause this is why I stopped touring with Andy Andrist. And now I think it was a mistake cause Andy would go up first and we both had the same eagle eye for things. So history channel, whenever it was decades ago, or they were President's Day, they were doing a, like all the presidents, biography was their big show on 80. I remember.

Yeah. Back before, now it's like alligator fucking hunters or something. Yeah. Alien fuckers. So, Polkers, one of these presidents in the fucking ages that didn't matter they were saying how during a contentious election season one referred to the other as a puzzle wit and a thing and I like puzzle wit is the funniest fucking word I've ever heard puzzle wit yeah and then I'm like and I side-eye Andy going he's gonna use he's writing it on his arm before I can use it on stage yeah I'm puzzle wits going in the end it wasn't even talked about right I

watched him that night in Boise I remember the fucking hotel we were in the night you lost puzzle with a soul with Puzzle Wit. Yeah, he took premonocta with Puzzle Wit. We've had moments like that in Hotels Lund, but usually if whoever says it first, like if Andy were to go Puzzle Wit, I'd be like, fuck, that's Andy's. And we'll have stuff like that. Yeah. Yeah. I guess we, yeah, we haven't had anything where it was like contentious who gets it.

It's pretty obvious who said the funny thing, the best part of it or whatever. Well, I always look for anything new today, local, in the moment, just to make the rest of the act. Or just to keep myself interested. I play to me. Yeah Fuck the back of the room. I did like eight minutes on the Portuguese when we were in Providence Just because that's the only place where there's Portuguese people in America. Yeah, and that was like my favorite Yeah, he lives there and he fucking he ran an ice cream shop

Racism it's funny when his racism against people that you're not even aware of it's exactly what I buy angle was Yeah, it was like you guys aren't over the Portuguese. We don't have those where I'm from You guys are those anywhere. Are you victims of piracy? What happened? Yeah, I don't even know why Portugal is ever fit like Spain is the one I never had a good analogy for the I don't even know why Portugal was ever famous. Like Spain is the one, I never had a good analogy for how prevalent the language is in the world versus how irrelevant the country is. I know, but they were a maritime power, dude. They were, but now they're like Radio Shack

and people still speak the language everywhere. They planted the seeds. And I never found the perfect analogy to do that on stage, like how weird it is. Like Spain was like dead ass broke. Right. Like 20 years ago they were broke. Yeah, them and like Greece and Spain were like, hey, don't worry about it.

Oh, suck your dick. Ten dollars. Crack or broke. Yeah. And yet all these people that have pride in their fucking countries speak that language. Yeah. Spain's like the dollar general. They go into a terrible place, they set up shop and then all the other industry leaves and they're left behind and everyone's speaking dollar general. Right? Yeah. Well, I don't know if that quite works. No, it sucked.

That's a whiff. Don't put it in the box. Oh yeah. Doug has a, just a fucking repository of years and years of notes upstairs in my kitchen. Yeah. God. Well then like that little notebook you picked up that's years old. But a lot of those are just like, so I haven't been working for a year. I mean, I've been working on other projects. Right. Yeah. Very similar projects to what I worked on. Yeah.

You're really similar, really. Very similar projects to what I worked on. Yeah. You're really similar really. I know. I know how to get a dollar off of fucking gasoline. He looks away wistfully. It was so funny when you hit me up and you were like hey you want to see something that's going to ruin your day. I was like sure. Then he sent me the script for that movie and I was like, Oh, no. Yeah, I was going to ask you upstairs. But you guys are all fucking cut and pasting fucking kidnapped ransom notes for tour posters. And you're trying to figuring out how to pay your water bill. I was going to say, what have you gotten any kind of

from your book? Yeah. Because obviously my movie didn't threaten Well the film rights for your movie no you were very good about it cuz I was you were like don't worry No one's gonna see it. I'm the star It's fine I was like that's fair I wanted to go to skankfest I didn't get in in town in time for when you guys did the debut there And I just wanted to go up and ask the director that I wanted to go to skankfest I didn't get in in town in time for when you guys did the debut there and I just wanted to go up and ask The director I wanted to be like so how hard was it to turn my book into a movie?

How many other books did you pretend to read It's way worse than that because those comics yeah Generation in front of me were in the heyday, the 80s, like anyone who had three jokes and some cruise ship comedy. So this was built around legends that Chicago guys died and. Vinnie Ravioli. Yeah.

Jimmy the Word and LeBlanc. Yeah. But yeah. Uncle Scragge. We talked about, hey, maybe at the premiere, everyone that, because the kid who plays my son is probably the funniest. One one of the there's a lot of comics involved and a lot of Chicago guys that I just met but Yeah, that Does it doesn't touch your fucking no no no and I mean I'm not one to be petty or small

I still open my doors to treasonists and turncoats. So, you know, that's why they're still here. Yeah, they didn't seem like big readers. They're big eaters. And you can tell by the script, the script, by the way, that movie had a lot more if you read the script, which it did. There was a lot of scenes that got cut out, like most of them required any budget whatsoever. Like it was supposed to open with me drinking and driving and then accidentally driving through the front of a pet store while I'm trying to open a beer.

But then I saved cash. That was in the first draft of my book. His hands on the rough cut. No, I thought that I was really. And I'm like, where? When I got there and they hadn't even cast of like, who's playing my love interest? Yeah. And we start filming in six days. Oh, we have a cast. If you have any ideas, let us know.

Yeah. Wow. So, yeah, we none of those fucking expensive things get filmed. Yeah. The fan boat chase wasn't in the I mean, it was in the script, you know? I mean, Mount Rushmore coming to life and attacking Seattle. That wasn't in there. It was kind of disappointing. It was, I had a bunch of people hit me up and be like, what's up with this? And I was like, I don't know, dude, who cares? It's fine. You know? Did you ever get approached for someone who wanted to do something with the book? Oh, it's been optioned for since the end of 2020. What does that mean for the for the viewer and the idiot, meaning me? So they had their they gave you money? Yeah, they gave me 50k. I got 100k to do that

movie. That's where they couldn't get a pet store. They blew 100k on you. Yeah. They thought I was gonna be a really good promoter. Termites assemble. Descend upon the Cineplex. If I have any beef like internally with Rogan, I'm always concerned that I get offers because people think, oh, he knows Rogan, so he'll promote the... It's so weird. I wonder if black guys with small dicks go, oh, she just wants to fuck me because she thinks I have a big dick. Of course.

I don't know if that's, is that a good Rogan analogy? I think so. You always wonder, because even on the Man Show, I would get, like, it was overt on the Man Show where someone would go, hey, Joe won't reply to my emails. Can you ask him? And then I would have my secretary print off the email and tape it to his office door. Like, I'm getting secondhand stalkers. Yeah, I get that with Gillis. That's what I get.

But I do. You get that too? Well, I'm getting the, you know, Megan gets an email from a guy that wants to scream in your face. Yeah no yeah but yeah people do they'll hit me up hey Sam hasn't been responding but do you know if he's gonna be but these are like career things like do and I'm sure the guys at the movie go oh well you yeah, he knows Joe Rogan. I've been in the process of selling my next two novels, right? And literally in the pitch is the fact that I can promote it on Joe Rogan. And I don't know

if that's true at all. But my literary agent has that in the first two sentences. And also, he's the only literary novelist who could promote his book on Joe Rogan I I did the same thing with Stern to where now where your Stearns are good dude what you're because I now I'm in the YouTube algorithm of old Opie and Anthony's somehow and also old Stern clips I told you I watched that like 90 minute documentary on you and now I know you lived in Florida a little bit when you were a kid, which is all I really learned but uh Yeah, like your Stearns are good because I did were you still drinking?

I those fucking things cuz I'm starting one I don't want to give away but that that project we're working on fucking the Colonel Kurtz project. Yeah where like like some of the things I've watched on, it sounds like it's an AI narrated thing. So they type it up and then they have a reader read it. All right, it sounds computer.

Right. It has that weird cadence. It's like this as a human being. Well it's not like anonymous used to be. We are a legion. It's almost human. You can just tell that it has like three vowels. Kind of like you, Becker. Yeah. Anonymous used to be, we are Plegian. It's almost human, you can just tell that it has like,

kind of like you, Becker. Three vowels, yeah. Yeah. Anyway, you were saying? Oh, anyway, you were talking about going on Stern. Go ahead. Oh, no, with, Rogan is the same way as Stern, where if I'm promoting a movie or a book or something,

like I'm not calling my friends or people. If you want to have your publicist reach out to Stern, I don't want to ever put someone in a position where they have to say, you know what, our fan base doesn't like you. Right. Where I would say I understand, but I'd rather just not know. Have your publicists ask.

Right, and they can give them. And then I would never know the transaction ever happened. Thin skinned. We just had this discussion upstairs before we were driven into the basement by the threat of your wife coming home angry and hungry. Well, she's going to be pissed because there's no food in here and her puzzle is unfinished. So you're supposed to be doing it. I was supposed to be over there.

Becker's supposed to be doing it. I told him go downstairs if we're going to do the podcast at the bar, go finish the jigsaw puzzle and then set up the mics. Then you'd have to bang my wife though. Oh no. Hey. Hey. What? Easy Becker. I invited Doug to go to Reno with us

and he forgot about it. You're gonna stay on top of me. You know I'm fucking half wet brained. I know. I really wanted to go through any text. What? It's not my uncle died. He got that shit wet brain. He was drinking instead of eating.

All right. Then I got mushed. Now you're the thing with his uncle died. All right. You know what? Now we're going to keep this fucking podcast going till the doctor gets here. We can ask her if wet brain is actually, it's an expression. It's not an actual thing you die of is supposed to call it. They call it South skull in the business.

Head measuring, you know, Nathan Lund's business of 80, 16 people for South skull. I've been trying to get them to fire you all day. skull yeah I've been trying to get him to fire you all day me yeah because I can't open for him at Cobbs because oh yeah yeah you have to like there you have to live within 150 miles of the club so and I sure so he's not committed enough to comedy to move to the Bay Area yeah maybe his heart's not in it yeah other thing what was the other thing he wouldn't do oh what was it start drinking again that would have been mine but I don't remember what it was I don't either things I go all right you really gonna let this guy go you did yeah that's

why we had the drive more after village in because he was like no no I got to make the case Lund's out all right I got this guy who does a pretty good Sean Rouse impression we're gonna break him an opening for you Dalmatian chin over there as trying to get you fired too oh yeah dude your producers got a chin like a Dalmatian. It's pretty nuts right now. For the record, it's called Alopecia areota, which is balding in spots, which is usually stress related. And I got it as a young comic where I had a like what now is male pattern baldness.

But back then I was a long hair and it looked like my Yarmulke of skin slipped to a side. So I had the weirdest bald spot and then they shot me up with steroids. Looking back, I wonder like how did I even have the money for a doctor? Because I never had insurance up until whatever three years ago when you had to. Right. I bet it was a free clinic, man. ago when you had to. I'm like how did I have? I bet it was a free clinic man. You probably went to a free clinic right?

I have no idea or maybe someone paid for it because they felt bad for me. I'm all fucking like guns and roses, axle rose haired except for that one odd patch that no one talks about. These are the mullet days right? Yeah, not the mullet days. I went from mullet to right yeah not the mullet days I went from

mullet to a real long hair like Hedberg but it was wispy would it smelled of future baldness yeah like Tom Rhodes had long hair MTV but it looked more like a fire hazard long hair my dad does that dude My dad has this elaborate morning ritual where he goes and he takes his shower And then his hair is so thin and wispy that he has a series of like hair clamps that he arranges as his hair dries So it sets that way down the back of his neck What the fuck yeah, dude next time we're out with Dave T I'll have you still because you're to do a travel tour of Eastern Colorado. We did it already.

Where you're from and no one's ever seen. I didn't see it until two years ago when Bingo and I were purposely... And it's hard for me to find back roads west of the Mississippi that I haven't traveled. There was nowhere you really would have gigged here when you were out doing triple runs besides like maybe Lamar and you probably would have got there. No, I know I haven't. That's purposely why we came. And that's when I called you and you told me how to pronounce Lyman. Yeah, Lyman told me that Nathan works in Trinidad where Wiley

Roberts and I were just talking about that. We went to a bar where there was an 86 list. Yeah. It was like highlighted, like a marker board that was highlighted around where you would put drink specials. Yeah. Hey, Thursday, $2 grape rapes and whatever you would have. But no, this is an 86.

You don't want to go on Friday when the ape rapes are half off. And don't you have a list? Do you have a posted list? It's not, no, it's not big. It's not posted. It's behind the bar. But on a private Facebook group? No, no, no.

It's just, it's written. It's written out. You should Facebook it. Yeah. But you can only access that Facebook. You should go, okay, here's updated 86 list. But people would, they would tune in and go to that bar just because of that gimmick.

Yeah. I forget what my point was. What was I saying? Wiley Roberts. No, before this. Oh, Eastern Colorado, my dad. You're doing a tour. Yes.

You did a tour of Japan. I did. And you go, how do we top Thriller? That's right. did a tour of Japan I did go how do we top thriller? That's right. Lyman. Does your dad still live in eastern Colorado? Yeah and he was in the couple episodes of the shoot.

Is he? He came out. In Japan? No no in eastern Colorado. Oh you already did it. We did it yeah. Good I was going to say you should include your dad. So we did it and brilliant even if I'm a little bit late No, yeah, you're the mastermind dude. Yeah. Yeah, this is your dojo, bro

And we're just all studying what did you get his hair ritual in it? No, that's why you never my dad would have taken the tapes and put them in acid even never let that he's probably gonna be pissed about This he's for gonna be pissed about this He's for sure gonna watch because you're on this episode Just watch well he will because he's a fan of yours one of the Saving graces of my podcast is the very limited viewership so I can like all right Hey, let's fuck with whatever yeah Which we want to do coming up. Cause.

Are you talking about the viewership? Yeah, the viewership is limited but loyal. Right, yeah, yeah. So like, if you go, like, you know, fucking Adam Carolla could not go, hey, let's all fucking do this together as a team, because it would be on TMZ the next day. Right, yeah, it'd be targeted bullying and harassment. Yeah, I can get away with, like, all right.

And that's why I'm going to restructure our tiers. And this is breaking news right here. Top tier is going to be in on the joke. That's right. And that's gonna be our, SEAL Team Six. Yeah, yeah. All right.

We've known this fucking guy for all. He's vetted. Yeah, exactly. Maybe we do an application. I think so. Yeah, and then have Castle Rock Kenny sift through them. Oh my God. And the ones that he doesn't eat

are the people who get to be in it fucking guy did I can't I can't? Yeah, I can't it's it's so hugely illegal so what if you did it as a blind item like a gossip column That's what we usually do on here when we want to break news. We're not a lot covers our ass. Yeah That covers our ass. Yeah. First of all, a certain Bisbee resident. I don't know that it's true because I only heard the rumors. He's alleged. Yeah.

Yeah, it's wicked alleged. But they confiscated his phone for allegedly accommodating illegal aliens that were being smuggled across the border. So he's allegedly a coyote. No, just a fucking housekeeper a safe house Yeah, he's a yeah One of the guys on your squad, you know what? It's kind of like when Jesus

Was being born and the Mary and Joseph they go. Oh, well, there's uh There's no room at the inn. Well, there's a basement at Kenny's house. He lays down newspaper. He refills the water dishes and goes to good to go or get some pizza. Wow. At the fuck. I'm going to have to piss. So, um, yeah, yeah, yeah, that was all alleged, but they did, uh, finally

raid his house and confiscated his cell phone. now you can't get a hold of him I'll piss real quick oh you know we can do we can do an ad read yeah yeah I think it's about time yeah so Becker yep you love reading ads right oh you know how good I am at reading okay what do you? I'm a real will Trent here. I'm pulling it up right now. Okay Doug Stanhope the legends staying here right at my house for one day Lund took the day off work Becker changed nothing Becker stole a car Took a shower. I did shower for this smell graded. I also woke up before 11 a.m., which is huge this week.

That is big. You know what? You coulda done today before you came. Installed my tushy, which I did not do. That is something that coulda happened. I'm never gonna. You're gonna have to cremate that tushy in the box, put in the urn with me.

No, what we're gonna do is we're gonna hook up the tushy in the box, put in the urn with me. I'll sit on it now. No, what we're gonna do is we're gonna hook up the Tushy and then we're gonna mix your cremations with water and then people are gonna come and be sprayed out by you. Get sprayed. Yeah. Get cleaned up. Is this a bidet? A Tushy brand bidet.

I just peed all over your bidet. I got it back. Turn around is fair play. How do you like it bidet? That should go in the box. We got these Tushies right right? Well, and tell them about your Tushy experience. I got it and I almost installed it a couple of times and I didn't. And now it's like a will they won't they? It's like a battle of wills. It's a sell tail heart. I can't do it.

It feels like this weird, like mental block. I'm against it. I want it. I want it. It needs it. Look at it. I need it. Yeah.

I'm against it. I want it. I wanted needs it. Look at it. I need it Yeah, here's Brett Brett Erickson's argument for the day was always okay Like if you if you got shit on your finger, yeah Would wiping it off with a piece of paper towel be good enough or would you have to wash your hair? And I go I don't eat with my asshole. That's true. I eat with my fingers. So my assholes Yeah, it's always gonna be somewhat. It doesn't and I to to Blow first of all other people like the tissue. I haven't tried it When you add water to Human it makes makes drippy mud.

And I think that would just make it harder to clean. Well, he's got like a thatch of like hay in his butt from all the hair and cake. I'm Portuguese from the waste town. I don't even know if there are hairy people. I don't even know if there are people. Like, is a Spaniard hairy? I don't know. There's like allegedly the Portuguese despite gender all have a thick thatch of hair right above their butt. Isn't there only like one gender? where the geez like this de salvo what one of those explorers right like a Margo Vespucci yeah this beauty might be now that's like yeah but there's I don't know who

else is Portuguese nobody I don't know but they were raised in hell on the open seas forever the man the man well that's but they were raising hell on the open seas forever. The man, the man. Well, that's cause they were discovering shit. Yeah. Yeah. Like, like, uh, um, races that didn't have advanced weapons. See? Yeah. But I can't name one thing. Lisbon. I know that's the capital. Lisbon's great. It's a, we'd spent 24 crazy hours there, him and I. Not even.

Not even. You know what the thing about Portugal now is? It's the most desirable. Do you guys ever, first of all, stop me there. When you guys travel together in those shirts to strange countries, are you afraid of being profiled as pedophiles? Like you're just here to fuck kids?

Would you go to Thailand together, dress like that? What are we supposed to wear, dude? What are we supposed to wear over there? You take your wives. No. Or something. No, those get in the way. Well, that's the point.

At some point, we're working. We need to go over there with a woman if we did go to Thailand. And yes, I'm always afraid of being assumed that I'm some kind of diddler. Sex tourist? I didn't think about it in Tokyo. You do. There is a profile. And we fit it. Yeah. Tokyo, we fit the profile.

Especially Becker was there. No one goes to Tokyo to fuck kids. They go there to fuck Japanese women. But it's not known for sex tourism, like Thailand. No, like Thailand has negative connotation. The guy that owned Harvey's Comedy Club in Portland was renowned. Barry was his name and he was renowned for taking lots of

vacations every year alone to Thailand Fucking adult women, but it's still kind of short adult women. I think alone is way like Wherever wherever we go end up going people think we're a tag team Well, we're loud and we're giggling and we're together and I think that that maybe helps us. There's jovial pedophiles No, they're all quiet. Well, then you just seem like gay pedophiles They'll let your daughters out but the sons keep them in. Yeah lock them up. Yeah I'll let your daughters out, but the sons keep them in. Yeah, lock them up, yeah. People were assuming that we were a couple last week,

for sure. Yeah, when we were in the brothel, him and I were just sitting in the waiting room, not having sex with women. Yeah, I don't want to bring that up. Also, matching bowling shirts. The matching bowling shirts. During a gay bowling organization tournament.

Yeah, plus we were still waiting on word back from our lawyer, Dean Blandino in New York, to find out. Oh, plus we're still waiting on word back from our lawyer Dean Blandino in New York to find out There is a very good podcast coming up yeah Well, you know what when I'm when I need to fill my butt with water I use Tushy travel It's a collapsible durable discrete portable bid, but data lets you keep clean wherever you go. You should have one of these in your car right now. Oh, I do. It's called a, a, a crystal geyser, 50 ounce water bottle.

And I, I fill it halfway up and then I squat down on it real fast. It makes that crunchy sound that I go plastic watt, but it shoots water all up into and all around my ass crack. Yeah, but that doesn't have on the dollar. No promo code Stan. Yeah, but that doesn't have a three stream nozzle or a mesh carrying bag for faster drying time. That's right. Because you know when you squat over something and you shit into it and then it cleans the shit out, you want to make sure it dries fast in a bag. I thought I invented the mesh carrying bag and it looks like I'm too late on this one, too Yeah, I just found a mesh carrying bag in a thrift store to carry around that because I do recycle I use that thing over, you know

We just it's crushed, but then you blow into it Spans all over again Wipe your mouth. I think we have a new sponsor. Well, surely yours doesn't have an anti-corrosion carabiner. I have shit stains on my lips and please stop calling me surely. Well, I love it. I'm personally endorsing it right here and I'm talking it up. It's a great product.

I use it to clean my big butt. Becker, your mom's using it so no one has to wipe her. I'm excited for the travel one though, then I'll have my own. Yeah, God, that'll be great. Why don't we have these already? Oh yeah, your mother, she's going to be traveling to hell soon. No, exactly. My dad didn't want to have to start wiping her ass in their 70s, so I gave her our bidet.

You can't wipe yourself in purgatory. And if that's not a personal endorsement, I don't know what is. It takes under 10 minutes to install, Nathan. That's underlined. Yeah, I know. No, I know exactly how convenient it is. It also keeps you from quote down there problems like hemorrhoids, UTIs and yeast infections. Who's getting a UTI in their butt?

What? Turn that swampy crack into a fresh valley. Join the two million butts who already switched to Tushi and get up to 40% off bidets and bundles through May 28th. 40% hearing this after the Memorial Day sale, you can still get 10% off with code chubby at hello to she.com. They spelled the promo code wrong, but it's C H U B B Y at hello H E L L O T U S H Y.com. There you go. Hello to she hello motto. There you go. Hello. Does she?

Hello, motto. They're going to hate that one. They might love it. We're getting their name out there. Yeah. Yeah. No, there's discourse. Very.

Yes, there is. Yeah. We were talking. They're very polarizing on this podcast. This end of the, uh, you know what? Not so much about the bidet. Um, a clean asshole really only comes in handy when you're about to eat the ass.

Yeah, what am I riding a bike to and from? Okay, hey. What are we doing here? I mean, you don't want a shitty ass, but I don't know. I like a lived in butt, you know? I think- Not so much curb appeal, but I like one that feels in butt, you know? I think- Not so much curb appeal, but I like one that feels homey, you know?

Like the- Yeah, I don't want it to feel like I'm self-lubricating when I'm walking through a supermarket and like, oh, now you can feel my ass cheeks like squishing together. I guess that's more for like fat guys would know more about that. They probably would. I don't know what you're talking about. You know when you shart a little bit. Yeah, it's a little bit of short I don't know if you're at a place that you don't care when you shart a little bit you go

Oh, but it's not gonna touch the underpants so I can live with this till I get home and just finish my chores My day and what's the thing is you don't vote? Yeah And that waters of a FEMA camp of my day and what's the thing is you don't vote yeah you know hand out waters of a FEMA camp you don't have a deep butt like us so yes the the shard doesn't actually threaten the undies because it has a lot of flash it's got a lot of room to live it's like off the grid that's right yes where's where you were last night yeah I wasn't trying segue. I've told that story enough today. Okay, well let's get back to the dirty butt talk.

Now, so Doug, you lived in Florida as a kid. Yeah, according to that documentary that's correct. Not as a kid. I moved to LA when I was 18. I was going to be an actor. And I spent probably six months of like, like life bootcamp of, oh wait, this is, I lived in Worcester. I was in a middle class, cute, quaint neighborhood by Cook's pond. But you had dreams of like show business.

Well, no, no, it wasn't even dreams. I had, um, uh, the, you know, when you go, oh, they fucking wear hammers, let's fucking go, let's go to Vegas. Yeah. I moved to Trinidad. Yeah. That's what I did. Oh, I had that, that kind of gumption.

Yeah. Yeah. Like, uh, let's get the fuck out of here. I'm like, Oh, sure. I'll be an actor. I didn't, I didn't like study the craft I took an acting class, but it wasn't like a passion more than other than like hey, let's do everything Like when you do drugs, you know, let's do oh you get fucking ketamine. Yeah mix that with fucking mushrooms. Let's do it

Mm-hmm. Let's just leave. Yeah, you were just a fuck out of Worcester You had the idealism of a youthful naive brain. Oh, yes Yeah, I I don't know what your movie was Breakfast Club was ours where we're just turning 1718 and you're like, alright, I want to go out and do something with my life Super bad for me super bad. Really? I I think that was super bad for me. Super bad, really? I think so. That was the one that came out right when we were in high school. Yeah, old school also was like, holy shit,

this is the funniest thing I've ever seen. I wanna be in these kind of things. That's when I started to like Will Ferrell, who again, always a peripheral people, but Saturday Night Live has produced so many fucking awful things that you have to tolerate. And then it seemed to like die a death, like a Big Brother death that you know Big Brother

is still on the air. And it's like massive in the UK. It's still there go to. But it's like massive in the UK. It's still their go-to. But all those shows are still running, but you don't, they just don't talk about it. They just put it on on whatever. And now they only show it in the back of taxicabs. Yeah, I know what you're talking about.

Gas pump TV. Yeah, so, yeah, it's like that, where, what the fuck was I talking about? Well, Farrell SNL, breakfast club, old school. Saturday Night Live was dead. I said the biggest war crime that fucking Trump committed was making Saturday Night Live relevant again. He did.

Because they were doing, Oh, well Saturday Night Live. They're like the mainstream media is so off the mark of what's relevant in comedy that Alec Baldwin is all of a sudden on the news and Trump says this, it sucks so badly and Will Ferrell was a guy that played a cheerleader that you had to know and I didn't fall in love with him till old school and then Anchorman's still one of my favorites fucking all I love will ferrell down semi pro Semi pro, uh, yeah, that's a the basketball one. That might be my favorite Flint the Flint tropics He acts like it's garbage talladega nights talladega nights isga Knights is great. I think that it's a lower tier.

I don't know what to do with my hands. What's that? Oh, he just loves semi-pro. I say it's maybe the best one, the most enduring one. He says I'm an idiot. Step Brothers is better than that. No, Step Brothers, I forget that one. Semi-pro, the guy that gets the big cardboard check?

Yeah. Do you know that's the fucking bad kid from bad news bears? Yeah, I didn't know that. Yeah Hated him so much like he had as though he's trying to impress me with his career, but he Bad Saturday Night Live is yeah for me to like go oh this guy's fucking brilliant. Well yeah but we're forgetting the soft launch of Will Ferrell which was the Night at the Roxbury movie. Oh that fucking other guy I still hate that guy. Chris Catan. He came into I would bar back at the Coach and horses when I went to West Hollywood

just because I hate crowds so much. And I knew that that was my regular bar when it was a dive bar and it was terrifying to go into. Hedberg and I, like, we had to dare each other to go in there day drinking on Sunset Boulevard because it seemed so scary. And the Georgia, the Ginger Georgia, with the bartender, she was like, throw mama from the train. Yeah. Where. Yeah.

Yeah. I should have moved inside London when I go to Be Show. Well, she was in the Goonies. Are you making me a drink? She was in the Goonies too. Well, I can do it. No, no, let me make you a drink.

It's just, yeah, vodka, soda, and I guess there's no ice because... I'll get more ice. So this bartender was this old craggy woman. She was famous for... She threw a blind guy out for having a dog. And then the regulars, it was like trees lounge. And then it was like the old craggy regular. Uh, it's a, it's a seeing eye dog ginger.

And she'd go, I don't care. Read the sign. The sign says no dog. I was in there where there was a guy, there's day shift and a guy had finished his beer and he's talking to another guy and they're obviously not regulars. And she goes, picks up his empty and she goes, do you want another?

And he goes, I'm good right now. And she goes, this isn't a bus stop. As soon as it's gone, you have to re up. But then like, we became regulars that she would like, she yelled at that and then came down to our end of the bar. I don't know why they treat me like this. It was so fucking comical and cartoonish. And again, I have no idea where my story was going. Oh, when was that? Oh, Chris Kattan. Oh, yeah. Okay. So look at me, then

it becomes a cool bar. I'm high as a fire ginger. And then they hire hot chick April April and now dive bar Oh dive bars are in but it's no longer a dive bar cuz now you hired hot chicks and now everyone So I would go behind the bar and help for free just to get out of the crowd It's just a long narrow bar probably kind of like your bar way It's so packed. Let me just fucking move beer and shit. Yeah, I can't hang out. And so Chris Kittan comes in with Jeanine Garofalo and someone else.

And one of the guys I know that's a regular, this is just a bloviating drunk. Yeah, you're Chris Kittan. And so Jeanine Garofalo comes up to me and I'm fucking stocking beers in the cooler. And she goes, excuse me, um, that guy, can you try to ask him to he's bothering our friend Chris Kittan. And he keeps. Can you and I go,

uh, I don't work here Rolls her eyes and be like like I'm being a wicked digger. No, I really don't work Yeah, I didn't say that. I just said I don't work here your friend Chris could get could tank and fuck off One of the most annoying movies ever Your space shuttles here by the way having the ringer on is insane you just like numb from the way I don't know if the water bill good went through what do we do we have a we have a washing machine upstairs. Take them off. We'll do a Patreon right now. Give the people a show. Wiggle them off. Put the slippers back on. What's the news? You

have an update on where you're going? No, please. Are you calling Chris Catan? That'd be huge. We'll be good. Shut up, Becker. Be quiet. Don't fucking leave. You fucking suck. The person you're trying to reach. Hey, I know it's a, first of all, it's a dirty dog move when someone texts you and then you call them back because texting people don't want to talk on the phone. That's right. I was in the middle of a podcast and I wanted to hear from you live if you even know any of these fucking cunts names so I'm on the phone with I'm sorry I'm on the podcast

with Nathan Lund Sam talent and Becker the producer you wouldn't know Becker but do you know Nathan Lund you can just text me a yes or no sorry to call you and put you on the spot but I Just spilled some fucking I I'm having a vodka soda and cherry juice He's a UTI and just fucking spilled a little bit on my vintage pants All right, text me and let me know if you know any of these assholes and I'll read your Your text when I'm done. Who was that? Do you not want to tell us?

I didn't see. I'm sorry you stained your personality by the way. Your opener? Yeah. At some point when I like committed to these yeah suits Cuz I always like I loved I went through many periods of dressing stupid like there was a year or plus Where I wore a Santa hat all the time for no reason never seen those clips to

Ever seen clips of you as a kid or not mean when I was young in stand-up. We used to have this conversation. That was the Hedberg era when Hedberg and I were palling around a lot. I was doing the Santa hat. So when I was young and I didn't know about stand-up, I thought I was gonna be in Second City and shit. So when I came into stand-up from improv,

I would see Lunn do these like long storytelling bits, right? And I was like, well shit, this is the only guy to ever do that. And then he turned me on to you. And I was like, oh, there's like a whole world of standup that is just like telling a story in a funny way. But like, I thought that he was the innovator of this style when I was like 21 years old.

He acted like I was his grandpa. We're five years apart. Yeah. But yeah, well, I opened for you in Reno, 2007 or something random. Was that Gabe Pride? No, no, that was later. I don't think so.

There was a kid whose, it was his birthday and he was supposed to take like a limo with his friends from Sacramento to Reno and he was gonna host and I was gonna feature. I hit you up on MySpace. Okay, yeah, that sounds familiar. also, I started in 04 in Las Vegas and so everybody loved you, had a Doug story. Oh, you started in Vegas? Yeah. You know, you should probably tell me this every time we talk. No, no. Because I always say, I think it's just me and

Tripoli, but then there's, uh, uh, someone else that started Joe Coy or someone like that started in Vegas. That makes sense. There's very few people that started in Vegas. Yeah. Yeah. No, I was, I, I jostled sharp. There were a few people that, uh, had stories.

I think that you had come through a couple of times, uh, in like, oh three. And then I think I missed you a couple times I was there oh 4 to 08 and then I moved to Denver and met him but Yeah, fell in love literally. Sorry the guy that was on the phone has been in some of those films with the Judd Appetizer the Will Ferrell. And he's an alcoholic and he's one of my few like, again, you guys are all fucking off the wagon or on the wagon or pulling back or tapering down.

Uh, and this is one of the ones that I, cause he's younger than me. I met him when I was like, uh, Johnny Depp. Is that who you're saying? You just call Johnny Depp on our podcast. You think, do I look older than Johnny Depp? Well, he spends so much time at sea. He would call me like, uh, he's a very funny comic, but he, and we're not like tight, but, uh, tight enough.

He, but he would call me with alcoholic questions like Hey, do you get the shakes and stuff and I go what usually just like when I like my first cigarette of the morning if I drank a lot the night before that will take kick off the shakes and affects your nervous so I stopped because I was wondering and and and then I guess I Would have talked to him. I'm just giving you more clues here. I know Becker use your encyclopedic knowledge of show business Most recently I actually called him. I'm very good about that when someone that's how I met Shane Gillis when he got fucking

Canceled I went out of my way that when I read about it the next day, then you're like, how can I latch on to this? Oh, fucking Doug's name's got to be in. No, it's actually. Yeah, he he he went the right way. But I'm like, hey, fucking don't worry about this. Yeah, because when you feel like the world's shitting on you and you wake up with that kind of fucking hangover that's not like about fucking a vitamin B deficiency.

Yeah, it's not just go outside and get some sunlight. Right. Yeah. So yeah, I always like to reach out to people even if I don't know I'm going, hey, just it's not that fucking big of a deal. Yeah. And that's how I met Shane. And he he came down.

We were doing a show in his hometown. I didn't even know he's from Harrisburg. And he came down anyway. So if I reached out to this kid and go, all right. So it's viral for a minute because he did edibles at a certain elevation while he was drinking. Oh, it's Swartzen. Yeah.

Okay. Yeah. Kid. Kid, yeah. Well, I met him at fucking Knuckleheads in Minneapolis when he wasn't old enough to be in there, but he was an up and coming. You want to hear a nice story about Swartzen? Yes.

I was at the Comedy Corner Underground Which is in Minneapolis? It's the small room and I was gonna run over to ACME in between my two shows and do a guest set for Sean Patton Well when I get off stage the first show they're like, hey, all right, and then they're like, hey ladies and gentlemen By the way, we have a huge guest right now Nick Swartz and so Swartz and comes on after I headline and he does time, but I have to sell my shirts, you know, like it's a big part of my business, but I can't sell my shirts after run to ACME now. So I get back to the club after ACME and Swartzen's at the bar and he's like, hey man, I'm I know the road and he gave me three hundred dollars cash three hundred dollars just three hundred dollar bills.

I was like, I know I know what merch means to to you man. I get it. That was a shitty move I'm sorry, so my big sword see fan see I was hoping you'd Say what I wish I would have done is sell your shirts. Oh I would have sold your shirts. Yeah, that would have been awesome. I've actually sold my own merch and other people's gigs Yeah, we were in New Hampshire once. And the hotel we were staying in had a shitty, the worst banquet room, where they usually do Amway sales presentations,

no fucking lighting. Right, it's like condo pitches. Yeah, exactly. And they had local New England fucking, you know, out shitty New England fucking comics are. Oh, yeah. They never left. And they just, you know, what you're from Suffolk or talk slower than, ha, everyone claps. So we go do our show, get back.

And the headliner, whoever he is, some cantankerous old fuck that's just so happy to do fucking local references and fucking. Anyway, so I just set up a merch booth outside of the banquet room. So I just set up a merch booth. Yeah. And he did not fucking of cutie says that after, as, as he walks out after like shaking everything and, uh, you know, the guys that hang out at the door after. Well, when you're probably handing out business cards and you're trying to get pussy of, yeah, of course do the middle act and you're the opener, but when you're probably handing out business cards, and you're trying to get pussy. Mm-hmm Yeah, of course do the middle act and you're the opener right?

but when you're a fucking 65 year old guy and you're just like And then you come out and I'm selling merch and you don't think that's funny at all, right? Yeah, it's like the funniest thing that you could walk in on and instead you're pissed. Yes Yeah fucking Massachusetts, New England people are, I grew up there thinking that we're smarter than other people. Yeah. No, there's redneck as fuck. Well that's the one thing that I always was like, we didn't have the regionally specific headliners cause like you can't like,

we would do like Wyoming, South Dakota, New Mexico, you know, it wasn't so compact there, whereas you can South Dakota, New Mexico, you know, it wasn't so compact there Whereas you can do the riffs about you know Suffolk or whatever and everyone knows what you're talking about But then Joe lists like talks about those kind of guys where it's like they would just do crowd work about like specific city Streets in Boston Bob Marley Bob Marley, but my Marley's a good comic But yeah, but but I'm saying he could do and Dwight Slade in Oregon They've both done albums that are specific to their state. Yeah, because that's how There's a kiosk at the mall in Maine where they sell Bob Marley tapes and DVDs. I'm serious at the airport

No somewhere in Maine. There's a mall where like he has a kiosk next to like the T-mobile stand Not they have not someone else goes. hey, there's money in Bob Marley. Bob Marley has an ego to put money into a Bob Marley kiosk. Right. I assume someone in the Marley family is someone from the Whalers is running the stand. But when I grew up, Worcester's 38 miles miles from Boston and if we had to go to Boston Yeah, my mother would pack a cooler with sandwiches like it was this

giant road trip 38 miles. Yeah, I Drive a hundred miles each way to the airport to start traveling right? I know dude isn't that fucked in two and a half hours for us to the airport and then you go do the show, you have to fly to fucking Rhode Island or whatever. You know, it's like 12 hours travel total when you get there. And on the way back, you have the three hour drive back from the airport. You're not just home. Yeah.

Yeah, it's tough. But yeah, New England still has that mentality. I'm not going to drive fucking 40 minutes to framing him. I'll wait till I come closer. God, it would've been cool to be a New England guy. I would've been the king of Manchester, New Hampshire. Just have a little flat cap. Wear tweed all the time.

Would've been sick. Corduroy constantly. She's calling people Pearl. Every girl I met I'd call her Pearl. Hey, what's up Pearl? Get over here. Sit on my face. Keep you warm.

You know. New England guy stuff. Go, go, go lobstering. Yeah, I think. Again, that's not Massachusetts. No, but it's the whole scene up there. Yeah, sit on my face. It's more of like a Philly, New York.

They're like, that's not, they're not crude people. They're fucking, they're very. Yeah, they're all poets. They're polite. They're rudely polite. Yeah. They're just direct, which we don't have out here. No, they're just, they're sheltered in ignorance

and they don't, like this kid that just I grew up with, he was one of my comedy influences, Oki. He fucking called me in December and said, hey, or texted, whatever, he fucking communicated to me Hey Christia's playing at the fucking what we used to be the centrum I don't know what it's called now, but the arena and fucking Worcester am I my my wife runs the place So I'm gonna go backstage. So fucking tell Christia that I'm cool. He's a funniest kid He was like the kid that when I was 1314

We were the terrorists of Worcester, Mass, Tatton, Square If there was a fucking egg that hit your thing, it was us We would fucking be creative in our fucking vandalism and fucking drinking beers behind Tatton Square It's stealing booze. Yeah, and yeah, we're just Greatest and so when he's really the Bowery boys. Yeah and contemporary says I'm going backstage for for Chrysler I Like he goes tell him I'm cool. So I looked I forget how he phrased it. Yeah I could look up the text I bet

And so I go I'll do you one better and I fucking flew me and bingo and Australia's with the cameras All out to Worcester. We flew in the Worcester. Yes, we had to do three flights Because Worcester Worcester Airport it'd be like if fucking la junta had a fucking airport when you drive from Logan Because it's fucking 38 minutes away the worst fucking traffic in the world. I would rather yeah I'd rather drive from Bisbee, Arizona To avoid Boston But the point is so I flew us all out there because I didn't, I hated the idea

that fucking Okie's going to be backstage at the fucking Centrum where we saw Jethro Tull where we were like all our first concert. Yeah. You probably snuck into too. No, we I never figured that out how to sneak in, but you just chase the hoop. You've been pushing down the street into the back. Did enough fucking damage and set a lot of dumpsters on fire sure dead birds in the fucking ice cream cooler at Cumberland farms just boy I did oh it is terrorists some. Yeah, no, I took a shit and friendlies, smeared it all over the men's room mirror. I was just pointless vandalism. You would have fit in Elizabeth, Colorado bottomless cup of coffee and would just

sit there and like whatever 14 years old, 13 years old and just see how much coffee we can hear cuz it's free right and then I remember nine cups was oh my god tapped out that was the day you quit growing because I quit yeah I know I watched that documentary yeah yeah because because you had to use words in a some kind of English class. You had to choose how to use words. And if the word was like momentous, you'd be like, the woman had a momentous head wound. Oh, OK. All right.

That's in the book. Yeah. OK. See? That's not a good example, but you're just making one up. But yeah, I was surprised when I found that Okay, so so So we fly back there got the cameraman So okay, and I do give a tour of all the fucking things and cooks pond and we'd steal a canoe and go out to one of these little islands and then have fucking not cake parties, but

Beer we're busts. busts yeah yeah cuz we could float everyone out in the canoe and if the cops came yeah we get a bonfire going but do you have a boat no that's good it was great not gonna get the chopper out there. And I got to fucking be backstage at a fucking Bert, like full laminate arena thing, and I opened for him as the mayor of Worcester. I didn't, I just brought up the name and I went up and I just did this whole fucking thing about, Hey, you know, I, when I heard Bert Christ, it was coming. Yo, the machine was coming to our town I'm the mayor like I used his name yeah things but you know and I love you all that shitty like local headliner shit I know some of you from softball election a lot of people I don't know I've got to work with it's

all filmed and it's coming out yeah and you know what I got a lot of people, I don't know, it's all filmed and it's coming out. You know what, I get a lot of flack for driving under the influence and you know what, if I was dead sober I still wouldn't have seen that kid and God rest his soul. Nobody knows the mayor of Worcester, so that's one of the great things. The older you get is the more you can lie and people just fucking.

They assume a man of a certain age. He's not a prankster. Obviously there's the people who know that I'm me, but there's the masses that have no idea and think I am actually the mayor of Worcester given a clumsy intro because I just want attention and it's an election year. Whatever I said to the point where Christ is like, by the way, that is not really the mayor,

that's just a very funny comic, not the mayor. By the way, give it up for the troops. Yeah. And so yeah, then we filmed all that. So it just, it was a fucking, it was one of those times I'm so glad that fucking I like hang on, Oki. I'll call you right back. Book the tickets. I'm going to do you one better.

We're going to be there. Just fucking, that was December. Yeah. Fucking last week, you fucking died. Just, Oki fucking had a heart attack driving home from working, fucking crashed into a telephone pole, he's dead. Oki went out like Macho Man.

Whoa. This is, he's a year younger than me and we're just having like this conversation. This dang, not like Ralphie May or Nathan Lund, Al Goodwin. Yeah. I was going to say Mo Alexander. Mo, I love you. You just came up, but I said, I'm more surprised that you're alive than

any cliched Keith Richards. I love you. You just came up, but I said I'm more surprised that you're alive than any cliched Keith Richards And I said, yeah, he finds a guy to drive him from Emergency room to emergency room Shout-out Mo very funny very funny possum owner. Oh fuck. yeah, we just saw him in Seattle. Mm-hmm anyway, so that's that's one of the things the fucking Australian is Been editing and all that stuff. You said you're bringing in a new part of your business No new the the new special that's fucking shit. Like that's the special is like what was starting to work

when I was starting to work in 2019. Right. All right. I put out a special. It's mostly about COVID and the election. Well, no 2019. It's like, all right, here's like, it's the shit that should have been filmed then.

And then the best of what was after 2021. So it's not cohesive. I'm just gonna chuck it all on one big Patreon dump as soon as this fucking Australian gets back. We have a lot of shit in the can, a lot of classic stuff. And- That's a nice plug for Doug Stanhope's Patreon, everyone. Tell him the name of it.

Oh, it's Stanhope Podcast is the Patreon. Which is the very first episode of this podcast if you remember. No it was like episode four I think. Was it? Yeah it wasn't the first one. The first one was Cheers. Cheers. And that was in the basement but yeah for I think episode four was you cast with you when I was out of your house He was out there, but I was in Denver. Mm-hmm. Yeah almost four years ago Coming up on four years ago people always bring up when me and Shane weren't your house Tripping on mushrooms and we came downstairs and you were sitting in the funhouse and we were like, alright, dude We gotta go fucking hang out with Doug. We can't just be high up here. This is rude for guests and we're like, all right

Was I on mushrooms? No, no And we come down and you turn to us and you're wearing sunglasses and you said Do you know Danny Rubito who was some like old road headliner or something and me and Shane both just like collapsed in laughter? Because it's like no dude. We haven't been doing stand-up since 1988. We don't know who Danny Rubito is bro. We just went back up to the roof. I just I just tripped. I microdosed a little bit. I just tripped up pretty well for the first time. I was afraid of it because the fucking baggage that I don't want to, I don't want to look at my life. No, no. Yeah. No fun. It was a lot of fun. And then I got mean at one point. You got mean on mushrooms. Yeah. Uh, well you're probably drinking too, right?

Yeah. So it wasn't just the mushrooms. Yeah, but that's the thing. I'm always thinking freaky out though. Yeah. You't just the mushrooms. Yeah, but that's the thing. I'm always drinking. I guess they can freak you out though. Yeah, you were just at your normal, there were some mushrooms going on. Now I can't remember the details of it, but I'm like, all right, stop being a dick. You're just tripping. Well, you weren't human trafficking like Casaracanney.

Allegedly. I mean, there's tears of evil, you know, you say something rude to bingo is different than harboring a bunch of El Salvadorans. I told you I'm listening to American Prometheus about what's his name? I don't know about the guy. The big movie that was out. Tony Mandarich. Oh, Oppenheimer. What's his name? The guy the Big movie that was out Tony Mandarich. Oh Oppenheimer yeah, and I was just literally as it was and as I was pulling in they were talking about how he felt bad But not that bad because there's tears of morality see I

Just heard that and you said it. I'm the same as Oppenheimer There's something in the air. Do you feel it? Yeah. Yeah, we're all getting COPD from the poisonous dust I think your I think your wife's home She's got three holes and there's four of us I don't think we need to say good night. No. Patreon.com slash try behemoth Sam talent for dates Sam talent.com the legend Doug Stanhope everyone. Thank you. Round of applause for Doug Stanhope. Hey just finished this puzzle.