Chubby Behemoth - I'm Feeling It

Episode Date: August 15, 2020

Shrimp Farming, Children's Hospitals, and Feeling It Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth

Hey everybody, welcome back. This is the official podcast for fans of Earthquake. The best comedian that no one's talking about. Quake in it. We love him. We're trying to get him on the pod, but he wants 40k just for an appearance. But yeah, if you love Quake, you're in the right place. Welcome to Richter scale. We talk about Andy Richter and Earthquake. And how they have molded both of our lives. That Venn diagram

does not cross. They're on opposite ends of the pole. Richter kills it on social media. He's a justice warrior. I think he's one of the most unsufferable people in all of social media. Too much? We get it, Richter. We get it, man. You feel bad.

I'll give that take a 2.1. Oh, okay. On the Richter scale. I can't wait to hear yours. I know get it, Richter. We get it, man. You feel bad. I'll give that take a 2.1. Oh, okay. On the Richter scale. I can't wait to hear yours. I know you're a Richter apologist. No, I think he's right that you should be angry and you should try to make sure that people know where you stand. I guess maybe he does it too much.

Don't be a quivering douche about it. I feel like he's just always holding a cup of tea and it's splashing everywhere because his hands are shaking. He should probably raise his kids a little bit more because he's on there a lot. He's replying to random comics and being like, hell yeah. It's like, wait, what are you doing? You're reading the

replies. Yeah, your son is drowning right now. You lost three children to preventable accidents. And a wife, I heard. Blind item. I have no idea. This side man's funny piece. What?

Ginger-haired sidekick recently lost his whole family while he was tweeting that Bernie was the way to go. Yes. That Warren was a witch. I'm a Ricktard, all right? I'm a big Richter head. Richter and Morty. Yeah, he Richtor-ed me open back in the day. It was weird when Conan lost Richter,

and they were both kind of lost out there, you know? Uh-huh. They were both trying to figure out what it was to be alone. Did that happen? Yeah, it's like when I moved to Vegas, and I didn't have you there all the time. You were, yeah, just floating out there. It was a dark night of the soul. I was to be alone. Did that happen? Yeah, it's like when I moved to Vegas and I didn't have you there all the time. You were, yeah, just floating out there. It was a dark night of the soul.

I was untethered. Just a torso bobbing in the wake. Yeah, it was like Krang when he wasn't inside the giant robot. Just a brain getting garbage stuck to it. Yeah, exactly. I was experiencing stuff centrally, but I couldn't touch.

That's what I was without you, man. style yeah barely conscious i got my shy vote of approval me and london are both wearing the same t-shirt somehow hey shirt buddies yeah that's the kind of guy he is i gotta i gotta give a shout out to my buddy nathan here i flew back from montana yesterday and my sister was picking us up but in order for me to not have to drive an extra half hour, Lund met us at the airport in my car, did a car swap, got in the car, rode back with Sophie Mellon Jansacock. That's the kind of friend this guy is. I was literally going to be riding back to where the car was located, because he lives, you know, above my sister. He lives in her hayloft up there. They just throw up fish heads every now and then,

smack the roof with a broom, and he knows it's time to feed. But yeah, that's how good of a guy this guy is over here, right across from me. The human thumb, Nathan Lund. He cut his hair. I love my best friend. I love you too.

I don't know if I love this haircut. I did it for a good reason, I guess, to raise money for bands. Pretty selfless. What's been so damn hot uh i thought about shaving my head anyway and you just needed to do it for a good cause well i just know i well so i thought about it and then when you couldn't be uh the ums fundraiser host and i got to fill in they were like like, oh, what could be some fun stuff? And I didn't want to get kicked in the nuts or something. I offered to shave my pubes live on camera.

Yeah, that would have been pretty neat. And then Buklu was going to wear them as a beard. He didn't want to know what the adhesive was. Oh, look at this. Probably sweat. Probably ball sweat. Oh, man. Driving down today. In the Impala?

In the Impala. You ever get that thing? You're not a plus-size guy, Becker, but me and Lund over here. He thinks he is. He was trying to commiserate before we started recording. Oh, yeah, it's so hot. He's got body image issues. Oh, you were saying, yeah, you're dick. I also fluctuate. Oh, okay, so you've been big. Yeah, I keep 44-inch waist pants in my closet.

Whoa, just in case? 44. Remind you where you came from? What, are you trying to walk around with Jake Brown in there, too? What are you talking about, 44? No, dude, I was wearing 42s, 44s maybe five months ago. No, you weren't. Yeah, I was.

In the beginning of shutdown, I was walking 10 to 13 miles every day. Oh, so you're... What were you hunting for? Were you trying to find the guy who killed your wife? I got free time. I should maybe fight off some of this diabetes fever. Yeah, anyway, I don't think you're a big fat pig like us. But he knows.

Quit stealing valor. He knows about it. He's been there. I haven't been a 44. And you can put away a crazy amount of food. Yeah, you have issues. You can competitively hang with the biggest dudes around. Yeah, I ate two large pizzas from my favorite Italian place in the springs last night because

I picked them up before I was done working on my truck. Were you mourning the loss of a child? What do you mean? You ate two pizzas, you sat down, you're like, oh, this is the evening. Yeah. It's Monday night, the feeling's right. Yeah, I figured, you know. You put on some Frasier.

I should put on Doctor Who, but I like the black relaunch they had. The Doctor Who dat? What? He was a Saints fan. He was a Cajun. Anyway. But yeah, one time Aaron Harris made me feel bad for the amount of cheeseburgers I ordered.

That'll stick with me for the rest of my life. In-N-Out? Yep. How many did you get? I think I got five double-doubles. Oh my god. Yeah, I want to watch you feed, because I've watched Sam. He lacks the enzyme that tells his brain that he's full, so it's impressive.

I really have that. That's not a thing, actually. According to Emily, that's horseshit. It's an eating disorder that you can develop. Oh god. Oh good. I thought I was special. No. God made me this way. actually no according to emily that's horseshit it's an eating disorder she's a doctor oh god yeah oh good and i thought i was special god made me this and i definitely did that to myself when i was a drug addict and just wasn't eating that often so it turned off like my hunger signals and my full signal and i don't get like nauseous from being too full either i'll just go pass out i think i had the opposite thing where I choked my hunger signal to death. Yeah.

Shut up, you. Yeah. I'll tell you how many trips to the buffet is enough. I'll tell you when I've had enough, brain. Damn. My stomach will just be like, so you're still out there putting it in, huh? That's what you're doing out there? You've got all the agency.

I just got to stay here and process this fucking garbage dump. But yeah, keep shoving it in. Oh, we're at CeCe's Pizza Buffet again? Good call, brain. You're not allowed in here. Oh good, the hands are committing treason against the mouth once more. Excellent work. Were you going to say something about being a big guy, getting hot and sweaty, shaving your pubes?

Oh, my balls were sweaty. Yeah, you're nice. Let's get back to it. Let's explore that. I'm glad I remembered that. Yeah, no one's moving forward. No one's covered this territory yet on a podcast. But yeah, so I did

end up shaving my head as like a fun stunt. Yeah. Glad I did it. You look like a turtle who lusted shell. For sure. I look like a lot of things. Christy's roommate Nathan sent me a picture of a wrestler whose name I couldn't think of right away, so you know

he's obscure, but it's Big Bully Busick. And when I thought of it, I was like, damn, nice job, Nathan. Nathan to Nathan. He nailed it. Bald guy. I keep seeing my brother in the mirror. Bald guy?

Big Bully Busick bald. I thought you were saying you look like a bald guy. I was like, oh, good work, one. No, no, the Big Bully Busick bald. Oh, I thought you were just saying you look like a bald guy. I was like, oh, good work, one. No, no,

the Big Bully Busick character had a bald head and like a fun, old-timey, fake-looking mustache. Okay. I keep seeing my brother in the mirror

because he shaves his head. Well, you are also eating a lot of peyote. I ate a lot of peyote. Yeah, my brother, he died when I was seven.

And now he's older than me because time in the afterlife is fucked up, I guess. Yeah, I just keep seeing my brother whenever I shut my eyes. Jason! Oh, Jason! Oh, J-Boy. Jason, love. Why'd you have to chase that squirrel down a well, Jason? I almost drowned a lot this weekend.

Is that right? The river, the Bitterroot River. So, yeah, I was able to do UMS as your fill-in, your stunt double, your stunt trouble. Yeah. I said a lot of troubling things on set. Yeah, I'm your set double-double. Baker's going to eat five of you. The understudy from another muddy.

Big muddy. That's what I'm sitting in right now. These underwear need to be thrown away. When you've thrown your arm out, you're 120 pitches in, it's the bottom of the eighth, and the manager taps his left hand, I know, to come jogging in from the outfield. Yeah, exactly. Usually you ride on him like a burro, right? Don't you come in on a donkey?

You're thinking of Eastbound and Down. I am, yeah. I did rip him off, and then I was sued. So I had to kill my burrow. I do love Eastbound and Down. You might say I have Eastbound and Down syndrome. Yeah, that does make you feel like you're pretty stupid the more you watch it. You're like, why? No, it's good stuff.

I developed an extra chromosome. Just so you don you watch it. You're like, why? No, it's good stuff. I developed an extra chromosome. You know what we need more of is a main character of an idiot white guy who's been very successful and oblivious to how much of a monster he is and then the slow education of that grown

adult man-child. Just a man learning through the pain of others that he's caused that's what everybody needs is more of that just oh it's so hard being a white guy learning how to not be an asshole it is tough and especially once you're a millionaire and then you fall from grace yeah that's a great story someone should tell that story but uh yeah I did that because you, I did UMS because you went up to Montana to... Tour a shrimp farm. Tour a shrimp farm is the alibi that he has come up with. Yeah.

I had to go to reservation and settle a score. Right. You know what I mean. Yeah, you killed the man that killed your father. I did, yeah. In the dusty dust bowl of Montana. I also domed a box of Apple Jacks. Oh, yeah?

One sitting? Yeah, one sitting. One bowl? Sat down with a camera. Just in a wheelbarrow? Yeah. And hose water? Not even milk?

Just water? Well, he had an empty shrimp pool that he wasn't utilizing. So we filled it up with Apple Jacks, and then we milked Lund. You were there. But yeah, I toured a shrimp facility with a man uh named james vaughn up at mission valley shrimp shout out to jimmy vaughn he let us come on i'm sure it was me and uh i look like you know this which is alarming alone and then there's mel shaved uh mastodon right yeah i look like a panda who lost its skin yeah that's a mastodon noise excuse me

we need more sound effects on this show yeah punch it up yeah that's becker's job he needs to add in some fun zippers and kazoos and whatnot. Somebody falling down a mountain. What is that? A man floating through time and space? Well, falling off a cliff, like a cartoon. I saw a guy just spitting, like an old-timey 50s movie. You know?

And then you see the neon sign that says, like, triple X. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Adults only. Falling into the bottom of a bottle. Yeah. But anyway, great time. I yeah, yeah, yeah. Adults only. Falling into the bottom of a bottle. Yeah. But anyway, great time. I mean, we showed up. It was me and Mel, who's black, you know,

and this guy's probably never seen a black guy except for when he lost so much money betting on the Globetrotters. And then my buddy Ryan Jancicok, who, if you put a sundress on him, looks like you're, you know, looks like he's non-gender binary, has a touch of autism. He ate a bunch of Adderall to, quote, get ready for the big meeting.

He went in there with his brain just, you know, three days from now. He was in the future. He was already peeling shrimp. Then we show up to Mission Valley Shrimp Farm, and a bunch of chickens running around, which is fun, until you have to get out of the car, and then they're attacking you. of chickens running around, which is fun, until you have to get out of the car, and then they're attacking you. And we walk in, and we meet a man named James Vaughn, who is literally covered in shrimp debris.

He's wearing a Carhartt shirt and cargo shorts, and there's just a bunch of shrimp shells stuck all over his body. It looked like he dropped his phone in one of the pools, and then had to fight his way out of there when he went to reclaim it. Or he just ate 15 shrimp before we got there, raw. He's probably doing the lawnmower over all the shrimp carcasses. The ones that weren't aesthetically pleasing enough for market. Yeah, he just has a jeweler's loop. He's inspecting every one of them.

You have all of your fan legs excellent uh feather legs actually is the term we use in the business but yeah he gave us a tour of his uh his operation he's got a great operation up there if you're ever in uh very very northwestern montana and you're thinking i need about pound and a half of shrimp right now check out mission Mission Valley Shrimp. It's on the reservation up there. He did mention that he had a couple federal felonies because he used to run a septic tank system,

and he for sure poisoned a river on the reservation. We looked it up. Damn. Yeah. So he proudly told us that very few men have had a case against the EPA. And he acted like, of course, you're just going to catch a federal felony if you're in the shrimp game long enough. That just comes with the territory. So he poisoned a river.

Very nice guy. We bought some shrimp off of him. And I think we're going to start a shrimp operation. Yeah, that's your next big adventure. I thought you were full of shit. Right up until a couple months ago, you were talking about how you're going to have a hot dog cart. That's still in the works. It's just they shut down permitting for hot dog carts in Larimer County because of the COVID.

Yeah. As Jim kept saying, when the COVID struck, like it was, you know, lightning on the horizon. His uncle showed up who looked exactly like Leatherface. About a 75-year-old man who showed up in a tractor. And then Jim said, we got to go get some dirt, he said excitedly. Oh, it's dirt time. Yeah, he's like, we're going to get about 40 tons of dirt today. Yeah, man, it was fun.

It was fun to see a man really in his element out there, shrimping. Yeah, a lot of comics are struggling to figure out what to do now that the business has slowed down, stopped almost completely. You know, there's a few random shows you can do, and now some clubs are trying to do shows, but I feel like that's not going to last for long.

No. So comics are like, do I start a YouTube channel? Do I do Twitch? Right. You know, do I start playing video games and broadcasts? Do I sell nudes? A lot of comics are starting to sell their bodies. And you figure hot dogs, shrimp, people love to eat.

I'm going to sell about 15 to 17 smaller bodies per pound. You have shrimps. People can eat them. Hopefully we can get up to the 11 to 12. That's a jumbo pound right there. 11 to 12 shrimp per. About as big as the palm of your hand. Yeah. It sounds like this is

a real thing that your brother-in-law... Well, we shouldn't say that. He hasn't earned that, right? No, he hasn't. But your sister's man friend has done the research and says that. This guy has been sniffing around my sister's pussy for a couple years. Will they or won't they? Yeah, this guy has been hogging down my sis.

Yeah, he looked into a few different things like smart business ventures or whatever. And this is where you guys are, the direction you guys are heading. Yeah, we were going to commit some kind of industrial espionage. Yeah, why not a big bank heist? Well, we looked into it and apparently they don't have gold bars on the banks anymore. That's when we really started to lose our way as a country. It was when we got off the gold standard. When FDR stole all of our gold from us back in 33.

That's right. That was what was under that blanket was all the gold. Yeah, you can walk. It's fine. All the gold in Canada was underneath that blanket. Getting it out of the White House through Eleanor. Yeah. She would smell that out in her little dumpling pouch.

She was bricked up. That's why she didn't have sex with men. There was too much gold in their pussy. Yeah, it would have given away the ghost. Yeah, she was just rattling around like an arcade machine. Did she pay out? Yeah. Jackpot! New high score for a socialist president.

Gang, gang, gang, gang, gang, gang. I like FDR. I'll say it. Say, what was your joke about FDR? That is, the blanket smelled of rotten peaches and socialism. What was it? It was Old Smelly Lake Blanket FDR. The big punchline that I was just trying to add a couple more tags to because it wasn't a big enough payoff was what?

Yeah, the distractor lines. Yeah, exactly. I was priming the pumps. Hey, look over here. They didn't see that I was putting diesel in a regular engine. It was, you know, what's the difference between FDR and abortion? One of them made it three terms. Now, that joke brought down the house.

When I say brought down the house, I mean there were riots. The rare joke that was not an opener or a closer, it was both. It was a bookend. Yeah. You could open with it. People love it. And then the callback, same cadence, same joke. Yeah, I would kill the lights, and then the lights would come on, and I'd be sitting in a wheelchair with a blanket over my legs, smoking a very long cigarette.

That's right. And there'd be a dead baby in my hands. And I'd say, whoopsie, and then I would go sell t-shirts what's the new deal with carrying a baby to term laughter yeah FDR loved women's rights

he did Frankie D I don't think that's true I think Eleanor forced him to champion women's rights she was one pushing the chair. He was a cousin fucker because it wasn't just Eleanor that he was banging. He like, they were like third cousins and FDR was

like, not hot enough. Yeah, this isn't enough taboo. Yeah. He had to grab the buzzer. Taboo, yeah. Oh, I have to fuck my cousin again. Oh, man. This sucks. I'm putting up an adequate amount of resistance.

Yeah. He had the card, and it's like, incest. Nope, you said it. That was the word. Taboo's a fun game to play. I'm more of a trouble man. You like trouble? Yeah. You like Yahtzee like a fucking sociopath

I'm addicted to the Yahtzee Yahtzee sucks, the most skillless game ever no there's not, what's the skill? take your chance or take your ones decision making, choose your own adventure yeah what a shitty adventure with each roll of the dice

the worst adventure since the Trail of Tears is a game of Yahtzee. No one wins, except for Andrew Jackson. Right, yeah. No, it's pretty good. Except for the state of Oklahoma. Well, yeah, they're taking the power back. How many comics had a trail of beers, Joe?

Everybody. I had one. Definitely. Brant Tobler did. Baumauer had seven. He'd call back. Bookend, baby. We should mention we have a special guest coming up later in this episode. Dr. Kevin Fitzgerald is going to stop by. Is he swinging in?

Yeah. Good. Apparently, yeah, I called him earlier, and he said that he was busy. When I called him, he had his hand up a horse's ass and after a couple hours, he had to go into work as a veterinarian. It is taboo to fuck a horse, but Dr. Kev's trying to change all that. But doesn't it make the most sense? What's a closer relationship between man and beast than man and horse?

Those horses have carried Western progress. Manifest Destiny rode on the back of a horse. So if you're out there, you know, cutting across Kentucky, maybe you've got a coonskin cap on. Maybe. Maybe. I'm just saying, you're not going to fuck your horse when you set up your tent in the desert?

You know what I always say is the best part about fucking a horse is that you have a ride home. You don't have to call anyone an Uber. No, the best part is actually that a horse can't tell the police that you fucked the horse. Oh, so now you're raping the horse? Well, it's not rape, but, you know, the horse doesn't have a say either way, you know, body language, maybe.

The horse could also run away if it wanted to. Or kick you. Yeah, kick you right in the head. Yeah, kick you in the chest, snap your sternum. Hard to get in a boner when your sternum's snapped open.

Yeah, that's pretty good. Trust me. Pretty good defense. Yeah, exactly. I don't know, I just think that,

I don't really, I'm not surprised when people bang their horses. Yeah, so we got Dr. Kev coming through. Yeah, he's gonna weigh in on this topic. He's got a couple of shocking takes. Preeminent horse fucking defender. Champion

of horse-man relationships. Kevin Fitzgerald. Telling that stock joke made me think of a fun memory. I'm gonna take you to the stockyard. Put you on the scales. Put me in some stocks for looking at my cousin wrong.

We're Puritans here. Even looking is a sin. Yeah. Smelling's not, though. Well, yeah, as long as you don't make a sound, you can take in a scent. But if you go...

That's violence. Yeah, maybe you lick your lips. This is one of my favorite stories of us we've got some good ones but there was a time you're going to the notes i'm going to the notes okay i want to keep us on some kind of schedule sure i can't talk about shrimp shit for the next 45 minutes i'd love to i have a lot of great ideas people put the shrimp on the hot dog. Yeah. Have we talked about this? Bayou dog?

Whoa. You'd need little ones. Gulf dog? Well, yeah. Some little ones on top of a hot dog. And then bacon on the shrimp? Is that too much? Well, bacon-wrapped shrimp is a known one. That's a thing.

And then bacon-wrapped hot dogs are great. So get some shrimp in the middle. What about hot dogs with shrimp? We'll call it a gout dog. Yeah. Hot dogs with shrimp filling inside instead call it a gout dog. Yeah. Hot dogs with shrimp filling inside instead of raccoon tails and pig eyeballs. You take the

Play-Doh Fun Factory shove shrimp in there so it comes out in the shape of a star and then put it on a hot dog. I mean, there's no bad ideas in the shrimp game. There's all innovation. Half andouille, half shrimp. Half andouille? Hell yeah.

But no, this is a good story. Cool. Let's get it out there. All right. Years ago, a comic named Jen Kosheka worked at the children's hospital here, and she put together a Christmas program for the kids there. A Christmas spectacular. Yeah.

This is their last Christmas. That's right. Let's make it a good one. Yeah. We've got's make it a good one yeah we're gonna make it count if you weren't uh if you were able to you know uh get from your bed down to the lobby of the children's hospital you there was a race there was only 10 seats available so they had to fight it out in the stairwell yeah yeah we had a limited number of tickets because we wanted to make sure that we had a full house right um. But yeah, there were a bunch of kids that came down and a bunch of comics performed.

And we did a thing together where we told a Christmas story. I told a story about how I wanted a bike as a kid. Well, we watched a lot of people bomb before us, too. Everybody was eating shit in front of these dying kids. There was comics going up there being like, so, you guys know about the Federal Reserve? Michael Carter is trying to tell people about the truth. Yeah, it's like, these bitches be tripping. That kind of stuff.

Kids on ventilators. Yeah, everybody was swinging and missing all over the place. There was a boy in an iron lung, you know? Yeah, and even he was like, man, I uh i wish i were dead right he pulled his own plug yeah he's like i'm out of here i shivo my own ass peace deuces grandma i'm coming yeah i'm going to hell yeah it was rough yeah but you it's a rough crowd when an eight-year-old boy's last words are i'm going to hell and then he has to is he used all of his reserve strength and his bone marrowless body to yank the plug out of the wall. It's a tough crowd, you know?

I didn't sell any merch. Let's put it that way. Yeah, no shirts were moved. Because a lot of them didn't have feet. Juvenile diabetes. Yeah, we had a pretty good plan which was i told i was the straight man who went up before us remember uh yeah chris meeks who i think is a sex offender physical comedy master right he wore a contraption where he was like a gorilla suit right and then

he would open a cage on his torso and his face would be in there? It was a Halloween costume that is a forced perspective illusion or whatever where he's in a suit but it looks like there's a gorilla holding a cage with him inside of the cage. A lot of these kids were victims.

Yeah, they were victims of gorilla attacks. Yeah, not appropriate. It didn't go over very well, no. A lot of them had that disease from outbreak. AIDS. Was it monkey fever, I think? Yeah. Whatever it was.

A-bites. So yeah, that dude, I think he might have been wrongfully accused. I don't remember. Let's not get into that. He did some hard time, for sure. He was not the monkey. No, but he was in the cage. Some foreshadowing in the children's hospital lobby.

Truth from the mouths of babies. He had left banana peels everywhere. So, yeah, we were like, hey, let's fall on those banana peels. Easy money. Yeah, we started off just falling. Physical comedy for kids, of course, perfect. We'll see daisying, as we call it. I had a giant hammer, and I smacked Sam in the

head, and then there were stars and birds flying around. There was a lot of cheat pops, is what we'd call them. I kept going, achiwawa! A dog bit me on the dick. Train dog. That was pretty good. But yeah, so we got them.

And then we had the classic two-man story where I'm telling a sincere memory from Christmas. Where I wanted a bike very badly and I didn't think I was going to get one. And then I did just because I mowed lawns or whatever the fuck. I mowed lawns in winter. It was very ableist. It was definitely a lie. You were bragging about body working enough to ride a bike and work.

Hey, so I'm a healthy, strapping 10-year-old, and I'm like, man, I'd love a bike. You know, a normal one. Anyone ever rode a bike out there? All you hear is, beep, beep, beep. So, while I'm telling the story, Sam is behind me, you know, mugging it up, making funny faces. I was rubber-facing. Yeah.

Doing the old Jim Carrey treatment. Yes. Yeah, a lot of like, you know. I wasn't making any noises out of respect to your story craft. Well, no, yeah, it was good because you were getting the laugh, and then I would turn around to see what was going on and you acted like, yeah, hey, I'm just behind you for no reason. Yeah, I'm just right back here.

I'm just your bodyguard. I'm just eating this 12-foot sub at a party sub. Eating all the bananas we slipped on. Yeah, just the peels. That's where the nutrients are. You can get high off them, apparently. Yeah, it was a good set.

It was wholesome. The kids liked it. We did the off them, apparently. Yeah, it was a good set. It was wholesome. The kids liked it. We did the damn job, brother. We slipped again at the end. Solid callback. For sure we had the best set. And we're talking, there were some really good comics there. Bill Burr, Paula Poundstone.

She was excited to do the gig. Paula Poundstone, yeah, never left. No, uh-uh. She acted like she was sick so that she could live there. Didn't she molest kids? Yeah, for sure. Nice. That's why you said that, right? Right, yeah. never left. No. She acted like she was sick so that she could live there. Didn't she molest kids? Yeah, for sure. Nice. That's why you said that, right?

Right, yeah. Okay. Yeah. Yeah, nailed it. But then the best part was when we were... Thanks, man. When we were... When we...

Checkmate. When we were... Little did we know that Stone was a nine-year-old kid that she kept in the basement at her house. She was pounding stone. So... was a nine-year-old kid that she kept in the basement at her house. She was pounding stone. So, we... We, on the way out, we had parked in the garage, and we didn't, like, know that you needed a validated ticket or something. We didn't want to pay the $8 to go perform for sick children.

We weren't getting paid for the gig. It was a bad gig. I'm not going to lose money. I'm already getting gas money to East Colfax was enough. But yeah, so we told the attendant, like, hey, man, we were in there entertaining the kids, but we didn't know we had to hold on to our ticket or whatever. And he was like, oh, yeah, you guys are comics? Let's hear a joke.

And Sam, after leaving a children's hospital, goes with one oh all right you hear this one uh an old man and a young why don't you tell it you love it well it's a classic joke it's the perfect joke for when you're leaving a children's hospital yeah garage let's hear it so you're trying to impress a parking garage attendant and these guys love to laugh you gotta give them something good and relatable gotta give them something to talk about got to give them something good and relatable. You've got to give them something to talk about. You've got to give them something to figure out. So I hit him with the classic, an old man and a little boy are walking into the woods alone at night. The little boy looks up at the old man and says, I don't want to go in the woods, mister.

It's scary. And the old man looks at the little boy and says, you're scared. I've got to walk back alone. Pause for laughter. We look at the attendant and he just goes, alright, get out of here. Can you imagine a worse joke to tell this guy? I mean, I guess, it's not like

he's in there helping safe sick kids, but he knows what's going on in that children's hospital. He's collecting money from sad people. Oh, yeah. He knows it's not a barrel of laughs in there. He's watching parents leave the parking garage clutching like an old binky, a blanket. Well, a lot of them drive in with a kid.

Yeah. And then they leave alone. Drive out, yeah, with nothing. Right. Yeah. Just memories that will haunt them forever. Just memories that are cut short. Psychic scars.

And, yeah, just the perfect, like, I'm sure that was, you just thought of, you needed, we needed a joke. That's my go-to joke! It's your go-to, yeah, it's a good one. It's a great joke! It's funny, it's dark. Yeah, it's one of the best jokes. Yeah, it's a pretty great joke. Yeah. Man, just the perfect,

uh, the perfect something. Yeah. I'm at a loss for words. No, you couldn't have picked a better one for just the... I didn't pick. I didn't go through my Rolodex of hot bits. Okay. And then hit him with it.

I was like, that's literally whenever anyone tells me to tell them a joke, I tell them that one. Because usually they'll either laugh, and I know they're cool, or they'll be like, all right, move it along, buster. Right. I hop in the tube and ride down the water slide or whatever. Yeah, because either they're like, this is disgusting, you're a bad person, I don't want to talk to you anymore, or they're like, all right, let's get a couple shots of rumble mints over here. This guy's the king.

Now we're partying. And I drink it out of their wife's tits, and it's another night in Tampa. But I did another one of those gigs at the hospital, and this was for sick adults and children. Oh, okay. So I'm kind of moving up the ladder, you know. Right, yeah. You passed the first audition.

So anyway, I did another one of these gigs. It was me, Caden Holland, and Hippie Man. You know, two great comics. And then Hippie Man. No, just kidding. And Adam, you know, he had to go first. He did fine. Hippie man goes up there.

They did fine. And literally, we're in a room as big as this right here in the basement of Mutinary Information Cafe. We're in a safe. It's about 18 inches by 27 inches. It's cramped. We're in the bottom of the old spaghetti factory in the former bank vault. And there's a bunch of Liberty Bonds in one corner. Where all the immigrants are buried once they've fulfilled their contract.

They call it the ticket home. Yeah, the immigrant to those wishes. Take them out. So I get up there, and I'm doing okay. I'm doing a lot of crowd work. You know, nice wig. Hey, how fast does that chair go? That kind of stuff, you know.

And I'm riffing with this old bag up front. She's goofing. She's having a good time. Just a bag with feet. Yeah, she's a bag of skin with what used to be bones and organs and it's liquefied and coming out of her eyes. But I'm doing something

and I'm like, hey lady, you want to get out of here? And she says, more than anything else. And I laugh really hard. Yeah. Because that is literally, I forgot where I was. Right.

I forgot to read the room. It was all braille. Because of the eye cancer. But, yeah, and the only people laughing are Hippie Man and Adam in the hallway. And then me. I'm laughing in this woman's face. Yeah, just the three of you laughing about how you're going to go home and they are going to stay there until some hard decisions need to be made. Yeah, until the lawyer gets the paperwork done.

Yeah, that's wild. Well, yeah, it's hard because you're supposed to give them a sense of normalcy. You don't want to just constantly be aware. You don't want to remind them that they're sick. Right, so you're trying to have a light positive, fun vibe. That always happens when we're asked to do, like, we're the comedy at the fundraiser

for dog cancer. God damn it. It's weird because they can all smell it on each other. Yeah, they're all comforting one another and they're just an Ouroboros. A daisy chain of dogs sniffing each other yeah there's uh yeah there's a weird thing expectation of like yeah you're gonna turn

this around or you're it doesn't fit no if you're gonna have something be for a serious cause maybe don't try to have some idiot you know go up there and talk about how peanut butter's weird yeah don't try and bring levity to the heaviest of situations, which are people confronting the idea of death and their own mortality. Yeah, it's a weird process. All I'm saying is these triple gigs are bad. I gotta quit working for Entertainment Max

because I keep getting the cancer wards. Nice to be back in the burn unit. Yeah. Can anybody hear out of these ears? Yeah, I'm here to roast you. I keep getting, you know, the cancer wards. Nice to be back in the burn unit. Yeah. Can anybody hear out of these ears? Yeah, I'm here to roast you. Is that a choo-choo? It looks like it's too late.

That's one of my, I started using that at Comedy Works if I was starting a bomb. Like, oh, I'm glad you guys all came to a show right from the burn unit. Said goodbye to your son and now you're here. Yeah. Just when it's like, what do you want? What do you want from me right now? What do you need from me? Did you guys just bury... That's what I always do. You guys are mourning the death of your son.

Bingo, bingo, bango. Pretty insane. I have a second skin. Is that the term? Snake skin. Snake skin. By the way, this James Vaughn guy who's term? Snake skin. Snake skin. Yeah, molting. By the way, this James Vaughn guy who's covered in shrimp heads.

Jimmy V. Jimmy V, dude. Coach V. Coach V, yeah. Who is a well poisoner. He's committed war crimes, pretty much. Good guy. Real generous. He wanted to crack some Bud Lights, he said, but he had to go pick up dirt with his hollowed out uncle. Dirt Sunday. His uncle literally

looked like a jack-o'-lantern in mid-November. It was left on a dashboard. He was grotesque. And we had to go back in the shrimp room, so he's like, hey, uncle, I'll be right back. And then the man just sits there with his eyes open, staring into nothing. He doesn't have a phone. He's not reading a newspaper. Just staring out, you know, of this lifeless body.

So anyway, he was like, hey, check this one out. He grabs a shrimp out of the cage, you know, of this lifeless body. Yeah. So anyway, he was like, hey, check this one out. He grabs a shrimp out of the cage, you know, his hand's bleeding. Because they're barbarous, man. So he holds up this big shrimp. It's molted. They molt, and then they eat their own shells for the calcium. That's part of their growth cycle. Shrimp apparently are cannibals.

As soon as a shrimp dies, they'll fucking tear it apart in ten minutes. Like, it doesn't survive. You'll never find a dead shrimp in a shrimp pool. That's a little word to the wise from old jimmy v uh so he holds up this shrimp and he's like guys touch it you know this is what a shrimp feels like without the shell and mel goes to touch it and it twitches a little and we all flinch yeah and you can see jimmy v be like oh this is who i'm dealing with a bunch of betas. Yeah. Well, that was a different tank. Yeah, they can only have, what, two at a time. Yeah, because they fight and fuck.

Yeah, they're real aggressive. It's funny that betas are alphas. Yeah. Man, God is pretty hilarious. Whoa. Whoa, dude. You just cracked the fucking code. I just turned your mind inside out.

Damn, dude. I just tie-dyed your brain. Incense and peppermint. I was going to say earlier, Mission Valley was a cult that I was a part of when I was a child. Yeah, what I remember is Mission Valley is when you're having missionary-style sex with your wife and you dump ranch dressing into the house.

I'm going to come. Just a family-sized bottle of ranch. By the way, that's probably the worst thing to say to a woman. I don't know why we all say that. Here comes the ranch. Who ordered honey mustard? It's been piling up in there. The yellowish hue means you probably got jaundice.

No, it just means that you're backed up. You've been saving it for a special occasion. Oh, hey, Dr. Kev's here. Oh, no, really? Yeah, Dr. Kev came down. Come on in, man. He's upstairs, Dr. Kev's here. Oh, no, really? Yeah, Dr. Kev came down. Come on in, man. Look who's coming down the stairs, Dr. Kev. Hey, how's it going, young brothers? Hey, good to see you, Dr. Kev.

How you doing today? Oh, man, I don't know if Lon told you, but earlier I had my hand up a horse's ass, and then I looked at my watch, and I realized, oh, God, I've got to get into work. Yep, he did mention that. Oh, good. Yeah, he did your opener.

It's my opener and my closer. It's a bookend joke is what I call that. Well, now it seems like London's been stealing a lot from what you say. He said that earlier, too. I do get a lot of inspiration from Dr. Kev. Oh, that's okay, young brother. Don't worry about it, man. Whoa, hey, Sam, that doesn't sound like me, I don't think.

No, I'm sorry. I've been working on it. I've been trying. It was pretty good. I've been standing in front of the mirror. London and I have been standing in front of mirrors. I've been trying to get an impression of you, and London just keeps seeing his brother's face. Yeah, it's been, I see my brother, and I see Alex Creasy.

Yeah, another deep cut. I got a Creasy vibe going on. Look him up. We all look like thumbs. So, Dr. Kev, what brings you to the show? I just wanted to make sure that everybody knows that even though we have this pandemic going on, you know, we gotta spay and neuter our pets.

You know? Because if you stop spaying and neutering pets, we're gonna be overrun. The dogs and cats are gonna to start calling the shots. We can't have that. Yeah, it would be total anarchy. Society is already dangling from a tenuous string. Unemployment benefits are up.

People are losing their jobs. Mass evictions. What we can't handle right now is dogs and cats rising up. If we had an exponential number of dogs and cats on the streets, it would be just bedlam. But it would also be free food. Well, that's what I'm saying. The structures of society

would tumble. Because it's a slippery slope. Just like if you start letting gay people get married, then eventually Okay, Dr. Kev. Eventually people are going to start marrying their dogs. It can go the other way as well.

If you start eating dogs, eventually you're going to start eating gay people. No. Never. Like shrimp? That seems misinformed. Yeah, it sounds misanthropic, too. We need to be more like shrimp and eat our own, but... Dr. Kev, you're here advocating for

the consumption of human meat? Shrimp do a lot of things right, I'll tell you that. They sure do. I feel like we do not need to learn from shrimp. Shrimp need to learn from us. And we're getting off topic. You do say we need to chop off dog balls and cat pussies

in order to survive. Yeah, that's... Go ahead. Yeah, that's... Go ahead. Yeah, that's... That's what I say, young brother. Oh, Foghorn Leghorn is here. Dr. Kev's longtime... I say, I say, I say, it's me, Foghorn Leghorn.

Cartoon rooster. Yabba-dabba-doo. There's a lot going on down here, man. You got that right. I like how everybody turns out kind of cartoonish and like poultry with you. Wait, you're gonna pull

back the veil? You're gonna say it was an impression? I thought we were gonna really ride this thing to death. Well, I don't want to blur the lines between reality and fiction. You know, we have Dr. Kev down here, so let's keep it at that. Thank you. Thank you for letting people know that I'm a real person. Man, this is cliffhanger all over again.

You need to let me handle the Sylvester Stallone impression. What you talking about? You had such a bad sly, and you insisted on doing it. I don't really know what you're talking about. Mile high sci-fi. We did Cliffhanger? No, we did Demolition Man. And I had a pretty good Sylvester Stallone, and you were like, yeah, I do too.

No way. Yeah. What are you talking about? You started doing it live. Did I? What did it sound like? You wouldn't stop. It sounded like Ray Romano.

You were like, hey, I'm Sylvester Stallone. It's me, Sy Stallone. What's going on? I wrote a screenplay. Man, I know Sylvester Stallone, and that was not Sylvester Stallone. That was pretty piss poor. Well, I say, I say, I say, that was a pretty good impression actually there, man. What am I,

like a chicken who owns a plantation? What the hell is this? Who wrote this character? I say. I say it. Yeah, it sounds like you're about to. I say it for sure. Firecorn Playcorn, yeah, says it. He's ruling the roost. Yeah, when he kept

saying I say, I say, I say, that was a warning to any African-American listeners to leave the room. Because he was about to blast one. Anyway, Dr. Kev, thank you for the advice that we do need to get back to spaying and neutering pets before it's too late. Yeah, I mean, I just don't want people hitting know, people hitting more and more animals with their cars, because you don't want to see that, you know? You're on your way to work, you just got to go by a bunch of roadkill with name tags on it.

Yeah, that's a bummer. Yeah, a bunch of white crosses on the side of the road. Yeah, bummer, man. White for the dogs, black for the cats. Why? Because everybody likes duality. Dogs are boys, cats are girls. I want to hear about it. I'll see. Why? Because everybody likes duality. Dogs are boys, cats are girls.

I want to hear about it. I'll see. I like the porno Foghorn Third Leghorn. Because he's just hanging hog the whole time. If he doesn't have pants on, why wouldn't you see a big old dick down there? That's a pretty good point.

Roosters actually do have the biggest dicks of all bird species i thought it was a condor condors are pretty they're pretty cool dick for sure all right well thank those are our guests everyone thanks for yeah we're coming in we're over code right now so we should probably kick everybody out Dr. Kev thanks for coming through good luck taking care of all of our

fine feathered friends no problem man I gotta get back to having sex with a couple of people you know I like to I like to take them to bed two at a time that way when I'm done

they got someone to talk to classic bookend joke from Dr. Kev. Opener and a closer. That's when you know it's funny. Well, I take them to bed two at a time. I got an opener and a closer. Right, yeah.

You got somebody to read the announcements. And then somebody else to bust trays up, you know, bust tables. I'll be busting. I bust all the time. Nuts. I think Dr. Kev hit his head getting down here into the basement. That was one of our patented gags on the podcast.

Doing an impression of someone that not a lot of people know who it is. It's Dr. Kev Tuesdays. Here at 99.6. Welcome to the Wacky Wedge. Getting you through drive time. I am Boomer. And I'm Esiason, and we are the Bengals.

Here we go. We got four seconds of poison. Here I am. Alright, and we're back. Just ADHD radio. Coming up next, we're giving away $10,000. But first, put your hand in this. Ew!

Ew, gross! Oh, that baby crying means one thing. We got a baby in the studio! It means my wife left me and I can't afford a sitter. Oh, no! That thing about hitting a guy with your car, or hitting

dogs with your car, that time Alex Ash hit that guy with his car in the morning. Speaking of another person that people need to know about. Yeah. Alex Ash, Empress Aria. Old AA,

the Enforcer. Yeah, yeah. Alex Ash Anonymous. He hit a guy with his car in the morning. He needed AAA that day. He did. Get this guy out

from under my drive shaft. Hey, AAA, can you come scrape the hair and teeth off the grill of my car? I got a guy named Axel underneath my front axle. Guns and rolls.

Axel holy moly. Like Axel Foley. Axel Foley artist. My back! Alex Nash hit a guy with his car in the morning and that night still hosted his open mic? It's called dedication. Yeah, it's called needing the $30 from Paris on the Platte. It's called where do I go from here?

I'm feeling it. I hit a guy with my car. I'm feeling it. I gotta get out of here. I'm feeling it. I think I'm gonna get arrested. I'm feeling it. I'll never recover from this.

I'm feeling it. I just took a Vicod arrested. I'm feeling it. I'll never recover from this. I'm feeling it. I just took a Vicodin. I'm feeling it. I hit a guy with my car. His smile faded in the rear view. So yeah, anyway. That night, we all knew he hit a guy with his car. To death, by the way.

Everybody was loving it. Everybody made fun. Every time he went up, you know. Like, every comic would go up. Like, hey, keep it going for, you know, the last comic. He was dying up here. That was as bad as that guy Alex hit with his car. So just like 35 hot takes on the crime he committed against another human being.

That was a fun memory. Thursday. I was telling Thurster. Thursday's at the Platte. Today marks 15 years of me living in Denver. Sick. Yeah. Even though I don of me living in Denver. Sick. Yeah. Even though I don't live in Denver anymore.

Yeah, yeah. I moved to Denver 15 years ago today. That's cool. When you were 18? I was 18 years old. You and Clay? No, me and Krusty and Bonzo. Krusty and Bonzo.

And Nick Salazar. Nicky Salazar. Solar panel impresario. He had the smell. He is. You're going with shrimp. He's going with solar energy. I think he's going to win out.

Well, he got sober. Nice. That'll do it. Sober solar. No more falling off the roof. Exactly, yeah. Something's got to give. He was flying too close to the sun.

Now he's harnessing the power of the sun. Right. Yeah. Why not team up? I'm feeling it! My power bill's way too high! I'm feeling it! I gotta do something quick!

I'm feeling it! Where do we go from here? I'm feeling it! Let me get on the roof! I'm feeling it! I fell off the roof. Now I can't walk without a chair. Steering with my mouth.

I'm a quadriplegic. There's Trav. He was a great drummer. Yeah, he was until, what, he got sober? No, he got in a plane crash. Remember when he was covered in... Yeah, but he's okay. I don't think he's okay.

He recovered. He played Nirvana covers with Post Malone. No, I think that he had to eat his wife and son in order to survive. Because they were like out in the... That plane crash, they were out... Outside of Coachella. Yeah, they were out in the boonies for a while. Okay, well...

He had to pull a shrimp. I saw... I watched that Post Malone thing not that long ago. Some of it. It came up on my YouTube, and I was like, all right, I guess. And I was like, hey, Travis Barker. I always liked that. He's back.

I liked Post Malone. That was the sequel to Cheers, after Sam died. And they were like, where do we go from here? Sam is dead. Cliff shot up the post office his neighbor's dog talked to him he's feeling it

speaking of which that's well we shouldn't tell people the story of Chubby Behemoth too much figure it out

on your own cause the breadcrumbs are there man figure it out yeah follow the breadcrumbs are there, man. Figure it out. Yeah, follow the breadcrumbs. Get on YouTube. Start feeling it. Blink-182 ruled.

I saw them with The Used. And I think Goldfinger. At the Ogden Theater when I was 14 years old. And my dad took me and my buddy Casey Boulding. And boy, did he hate that show. We were like, this rules! And my dad's like, you know, four days sober or whatever at the time.

Yeah, I guess as well. Shaky-handed, yeah, he got in trouble for smuggling at a Camelback full of coffee. You know, and then, yeah, anyway, the youth sucked. That was their first show. They're from Salt Lake. That was their first show ever on the road. Like in a big venue.

Right. Right after they hit or whatever. I remember hearing that they were like a wild live show because the lead singer would like scream until he puked. He went for it. Yeah. He was trying really hard. But yeah, trying to cover up the lack of a solid bass line or something.

Right. And there was also like 12 people in there because they went on first. Yeah. You know? But yeah, man. Blink-182, great stuff. I'm so stupid that I didn't get take off your pants

and jacket was a pun. Until maybe 7 hours ago. I woke up this morning. I was in a cold sweat and my eyes came open at 6 o'clock and I said, oh my god, I get it. It was crazy. It was an epiphany.

That's pretty good. Yeah. Yeah, I think I got it late too, which is dumb. Yeah. Not seven hours ago. Maybe like 2018. I was like, oh, alright, the pieces fit.

I'm feeling it. Yeah, I started feeling it. And I opened my own third eye my third eye is between my butt cheeks my favorite bands are tool and blink 182 i felt like an idiot hosting that ums because i as we've covered i like chevelle and shinedown mississippi queen saliva it's like a perfect song to me this is Queen is a perfect song. It is, but you know what I mean. UMS is a whole other thing of like, whatever.

A bunch of posers and hosers. Grudge, fuzz, too many, I almost said too many pronouns, but... Okay. That's a different topic. That's for the Patreon. No, too many descriptors that you have to get right in order to capture somebody's sound. Yeah.

Also, musicians all think they're funny, and they couldn't be less funny. Oh, yeah. They think sarcasm is still the height of wit. Yeah, they're acting like David Schwimmer from Friends. It's like Ross is their king. We were on a musical break. Yeah, they're hitting people with not. we were on a musical break yeah they're hitting people with not we were on a solo yeah not yeah it's like oh yeah this this this this new album's kind of a major departure not they go for a high five and they pull it away last second

got you slow yeah up high check thighs Up high. Check thighs. And then... Nobody will ever beat us. No, that's a fun gag, by the way. Go up behind your friends when their legs are split and you slap your hand between their legs like it's a fish. The hummingbird. Mm-hmm. You know what? I got turned on over the weekend.

Noah Reynolds showed me a fun thing called the bean dip, and it's where you flick your chubby friend's boobs from the underside. Oh, I fucking hate that. Bean dip. Oh, yeah. That's sex assault. Well, if you're friends with the person, then it's fun. I hate a guy who goes for a titty twister.

Yeah, that's too far. Yeah, as a fat youth, having your friend slap your tit? As a tornado survivor, I don't like anything that makes light of strong gusts of wind. I hate getting my tits slapped. Yeah, it's a nice reminder.

Hey, did you forget that you're fat and gross looking? Yeah, that you're an adult with breasts. That shirt's too small? Yeah, exactly. Orlando Ind indie shirt. I would have beat the fuck out of Noah Reynolds if he went for my tit. No, it was okay. I would have broken him wide. You get off on it because he's a boy.

It was fine. You like the fresh-faced youngsters fondling your meat. Yeah, he looks like he's 14, but he's not. He fucks like he's 38. Trust me. Ahooga! I was feeling it. But yeah, I don't know.

Try it out. You might like bean dipping. It's also, sounds like hate speech. A bean dip? It's not. It's completely innocent, I promise.

Well, as a Mexican-American, I don't care for it. Oh, I forgot. Yeah, I'm a quarter Latino. Yeah, supposedly. Supposedly? Yeah. You want to go dig up my grandma?

Sophronia Escobel? Huh? Oh, damn. Yeah, let's go dig her up. Nice. Let's get her. We'll have to take off her ceremonial sombrero that she was buried in and remove her poncho. But, yeah.

Abuelo, as we called her. We used to call her Grandpa. It was very confusing. My grandma didn't like being Mexican, so she purposely forgot Spanish. So I remember I was learning Spanish in high school, and she was like, I don't care. Now, All Apologies is my favorite Nirvana song,

and we should try to wrap this up, because you have more exciting news. You're not just a shrimp farmer and a hot dog enthusiast. No, I'm also a registered sexist. We should have gotten to that in episode one. I have to break the news here. If you're listening to this, boys

make mistakes. Boys don't cry, but they can make mistakes. That boy's mistake was letting me follow him into the elevator. Hey, look at all these tokens I've got. Yeah, I was pulling the old Eleanor Roosevelt. You went for the record. No, yeah, buy my book, you pigs.

It'll be in the Denver Sunday Post if we ever start releasing these. Yeah, that's... We should probably get these out. Well, no, you've got to record a few before you... Because, you know, if we miss a week, then we can slide in a pre-recorded, you know, timely episode that will slip into the week's news. Like, hey, did you guys hear about 9-11?

Yeah, exactly. So there's this new disease, this... What is it, the coronavirus? I don't know. Anyway, I think it's a hoax. Not even a big deal at all. Yeah, I think it's a hoax. Not even a big deal at all. Yeah, I like how everybody got to say early on, with

such confidence, it's nothing. How do you know that? Because other times we thought something was going to be bad, and then it wasn't. Oh, okay. Nice job, Matt Gabriel. Our next guest, actually, he wanted to weigh in on the coronavirus reality. He didn't want to be named, but wanted to weigh in on the coronavirus reality.

He didn't want to be named, but he just came in from North Carolina. And I think he just came down the stairs right now. Hey, how's it going, everybody? Hey, how you doing? Hey, pretty good. Just out there spreading lies and spreading thighs. Oh, no. What?

In the name of God. Now, we're going to call you JT. Sure. Okay. Now, you wanted to tell our people something, right? Wake up. Turn off the Chevelle. I sound like I'm giving away tickets to Shinedown, but...

No one is playing any Chevelle. All right, well, that's fine. In God we trust. I wanted to make sure that people with Rodney Thrust. That's what I always say. When you talk like this, you know that the truth

is the only sound that can escape. Now, I feel like we should have given you a minute to maybe remember how your voice is. Because it seems like you're struggling with doing your own voice right now and i'm pulling a real dr kev down here did you see him coming up we passed in the hall yeah i told him to wake up and he said brother i've been asleep for the last 25 years wow it's like he's in the room i do a pretty good dr kev i got a Dr. Kev down.

Anyway, you guys, take the red pill is what I came down here to say. Take the red pill. Read Sam's book. It's great. Yeah, a lot of red pills in there. A lot of truth going on in there. It's a real page turner. The fact that I talk like this means that I throw up more than the lead singer from The Used.

You know what I mean? This is just acid reflux personified. I don't know what's going on right now. Hey, you called down the thunder. Well, now you got it. The Johnny Thunder. Is that who this is? This is JT. Johnny Thunder.

Live. From Love, Thumbs, and Spurts. Well, I heard your friend is actually coming down, too, but he'll be on the next episode. So, yeah, guys, thank you for joining us, JT. Damn, I don't know why I didn't talk for the last couple minutes, and then I just started coughing real bad. Yeah, that is weird. It's fucked up. Well, you did eat a bunch of owl pellets.

Anyway. That dude was right. Follow the money. a bunch of owl pellets. Anyway. That dude was right. Follow the money. And let's wrap this one up so you can go

get your picture took. Yeah, she's going to be here at 2.15, so we've got a couple minutes. Oh, well then, let's get back into it. Oh, Brad, you're here again? Well, yeah, no,

we're just continuing the trend of making fun of people that don't know... We have a podcast, because no one does right now. But we do, and it's called Chubby Behemoth, and it's been pretty good so far. Yeah, dude. Let's keep doing them. I think we're probably going to edit out that last interview we did, but everything else in this thing is being told.

Whatever you want to do, man. Oh, right. I can do a voice too oh speaking of terrible impressions let's get one more in there hey it's me mike stanley hey i you you hear something i'm that i don't this is me this is how i talk and you were just shitting on my jt oh friend i wasn't shitting i thought it was pretty good i don't't shit. I thought he was in the room with me right here. I don't poop. That's something fun about me, actually. I don't defecate, friend. I don't poop. I don't defecate, bud. What if you didn't poop? That's one of the true pleasures in life. I don't masticate. I just swallow everything. You don't chew?

Yeah. Apparently we're supposed to be chewing for like every bite of foods you're supposed to chew for five minutes. You're supposed to say the ABCs four times. You're supposed to sing happy birthday twice. Yeah. And then we set the Pledge of Allegiance. You know what's a fun thing is the black happy birthday song. They have their own happy birthday. Huh?

You know what I'm talking about? Happy birthday. Happy, happy birthday. To you. Stevie birthday to you. Stevie Wonder did that. I sang that once in front of Jordan Temple, and he said, who told you about that? And then we all laughed. Nice.

We need to have, you know, we have our own in my culture, obviously. Feliz cumpleaños. Cumpleaños feliz. Cumpleaños feliz. I'm feeling it! I'm feeling it! Abuelito is little grandpa? Abuelito.

You got a little tiny grandpa, don't you? Me, tiny grandpa. Little tiny grandpa. What's going on? I live in a shrimp tank. Let me out of here! I'm getting cucked by all these betas. They keep fucking me in my ass.

Sucks. Whoa. Oh, Mickey. Oh, Mickey Mouse. So I think we all learned some stuff on this episode. One, friendship is love. Two, take any gig you can. Especially the sicker the kids, the richer the experience.

And three, we should probably plan out our guests a little bit. Yeah, we really, yeah. We had a couple too many bumping into each other up and down the staircase here at Mutiny. But it's okay. We're still figuring out what this is. Hopefully you had some laughs. Hopefully you learned

some stuff. Hopefully you got hard. Hopefully you're driving around in your Mazda CRX and you're just fucking rock hard. You got a shiny, turgid dick. A real tusk. There's something... One of my favorite things about stand-up is the idea that you can distract or, you know, have some escapism. And I hope that this can be a little bit of that. You know, we're going to cover all kinds of random shit, but mostly we want to

be silly and do funny voices and make fun of people. Right, because this is the official podcast for people who, adults who do Cartman voice, so don't forget about that. And, oh, do a JT again. Yeah, and I'm Cartman. Blink-182 rules. Hopefully you're feeling it.