Chubby Behemoth - In A Pazza Box

Episode Date: September 18, 2020

Prison time-share scam. Tootsies are moist. Caught up in the shirt.          Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth.

Jesus Christ. Mama's lap in water. George Michael sucking on my feet. You got the sweatiest feet in the game. It should be alright because you hosed them in the kitchen. There was a giant mishap right before we potted, guys. It almost tore us apart. It sucked.

No, it's perfect that you're wrong and think that it was a big deal and then a lot of times when i'm furious you don't understand you're just not good at at gauging how people should react to stuff i don't have empathy as a sociopath i don't understand when people are mad and why they could be mad at me i'm perfect perfect. As a robot in a diaper. I'm filling it up with megabytes. You're only guessing. Your algorithm is just trying to have you guess the right reaction and it's almost always wrong. Where, like, you'll knock someone down

and their stuff goes everywhere and you're like, what? I was walking. That's where I move. My path has been coordinated like don't get it and then this time yeah you spilled some water let me walk it through let me give you the game tape on this one all right i just gave them the short and curly yeah well i want to give them the long and stinky i want to give them the natural pubes you can give

them the permed verge. No, so look. Here's what we did. We recorded the one where I saw the sword. Don't worry, everyone. I'm okay now. It's fine. Yeah, it's seven days later.

He's out of his psych hold. Yeah. That nurse didn't press charges. I bit out her jugular. It's okay. No, so we went out. All it turned out I needed was to eat an entire pizza. That cured all my ills.

I'm no longer seeing color and hearing smells. But we get back to Lunn's house. First of all, the dogs have taken this place by the balls. This is a dog apartment. Yeah, dude. It's fucking crazy how these dogs came in. George Michael was doing his taxes, Mama was smoking a pipe, reading the Sunday Reader.

But no, I went to fill up a glass of water. Should we call it a glass or is it a cup? This is a plastic cup. We're looking at it. It's from Royal Gorge, which is beautiful. More like Royal Gorgeous. It's very nice down there, visually. Breathtaking.

Like you with that nurse. It's breathtaking down there. She's not going to make it. So I went to fill up some water from Lun's jug, because he can't drink the tap water because he lives in Little Chechnya. And I went to fill it up, and I was so excited to have some water after doming an entire mushroom pie that I happened to spill the glass of water on

the ground and what did lon say get out how dare you that's what you heard yeah you said you said you betrayed me my tootsies are moist he's wearing he's wearing sandals as always and i spilled on his feet and uh he made me lick it off the ground he said get down there with the dogs where you belong yeah i have a third dog now it's like yeah, the dogs don't know where the water goes either. I'm also wearing a collar. It's a shock collar. But yeah, then Lund, he cleaned it up with a towel. It really wasn't a big deal.

I don't even know why we're talking about it. Yeah, I'm glad we're stretching it out. Laying into it, doing the deep dive. This is like the Zapruder film for our friendship i've never really upset you though right oh you have oh have i yeah well so we're close very close and but our knees are touching no metaphorically we're scissoring friendship wise we're at that level yeah because neither of us have dicks so we have to rub our pussies together i have a vagina and balls it's the best of all worlds you can shove them in there that's the best move yeah keep them warm self-fledged yeah when not in use you tuck them in yeah

uh you say seal the envelope seal it with a kiss i I was laughing about sending someone an envelope filled with pubes and then sealing it with jizz. That's fun. That would be a hell of a statement. Welcome back, USPS. PS, that's jizz. That's not a bunch of rubber cement. That's fucking... Dude, when you have one that's like rubber cement...

Best of both worlds. No, dude, that sucks. When you're all backed up and you've been eating nothing but chili. Oh, yeah, back there. Yeah, you have a chili comer. Anyway, so Lund is often upset with me, it turns out, and I didn't know this. No, what happens is you... Of course we should be comfortable around each other and not have to be on our best behavior.

But sometimes you'll just do the dumbest shit and you won't realize what you've done is insane. And then, yeah, you spill a cup of water and you think that's something that's real bad. And it's like, no, it was the other time when you ate all of our leftovers and didn't ask. I bet you couldn't name one time that I've upset you. You upset me often. No way. You've never upset me. I've never been mad at you.

You know, I didn't like... How big of me is that? How about, well, how's this for growth? A couple days ago, we do a show at the Comedy Ranch in Erie, and it was great, but I use the port-a-potty, and I come out out and you're taping you're filming me on your phone in paris i got very mad because it was just the worst timing

because we're on a we're in like a automated public toilet and i don't understand what is the deal like it's not working for me i go in there and it like is not letting me piss it's like you have to leave and i was like i didn't what the fuck and it's all happening in french too yeah it's in french i don't know what it wants me to do yeah you put your credit card into it for some reason it stole your identity i tried to rock paper scissors and that didn't do anything the toilet bought a car in your name it was it was very disorienting and then i walk out frustrated have not pissed and you're filming and i hated that you were so upset so yeah i don't i don't like when you have fun try to be a little rascal now you try to get it get one over on people

by either making fun of them or filming them in a moment of weakness so let's walk this back you were upset because you were too dumb to use a toilet well and i was there to watch you be too stupid to poop or pee not have to poop well you always have to poop i could have pooped so you're upset at yourself and your own failings and you come out and your best friend standing there trying to have a memory forever you film it because you want to show it to other people later. So that everybody can laugh at me. I never wanted to forget. Yeah.

That was my 9-11. I didn't like that. I was annoyed at that. Because it's like, come on, man. Let it be. To everyone listening, I'm sure you're on my side. Whatever. Right in, guys.

You, yeah, you spill water today, you cower. I did, yeah. Because you think it's something that I would care about. And I've done what you did. I hid behind the couch.

Which is, you knocked the cup on the lip of the spigot. It's gonna happen, man. I got tiny hands. This is a big cup. Yeah, you always go for the biggest cup. That's something I get mad at. You can't just have a little sip of water. You have to set the record for biggest cup of water. I do. I like to pound water.

You like to drain me of my energy and my resources. I like to take a big sip, like this, and then go, H2O, yeah! I'm hydrated. I stay hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, I'm hydrated. I stay ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-hydrated. We're recording this one without Becker. So the sound quality is off.

You're welcome, all right? Also, if you're that psychopath who was mad that we don't record in mono, and you want it in stereo, buy us a new recorder, all right? We're recording this thing through tin cans on strings. No, whatever we got going, Jake said is good. And it makes sense to record the way we do.

And so we can't switch it up for this one guy. Maybe if enough people were like, hey, we're doing the one headphone in, one ear to the grindstone. Well, yeah, that guy was like, I listen through one headphone at, one ear to the grindstone. Well, yeah, that guy was like, I listened through one headphone at work. Because he's an ER nurse. I don't know what the fuck he's doing that he can't put both of them in. He's destabilizing governments. He has to hear for if somebody says, hey, we got a fire, boys, let's get it.

Yeah, and then... He's a firefighter. He slides down the pole. He's got to have one ear open for screams of... These firefighters... The flames! They've had it too good for too long. They have it pretty good. Yeah.

A lot of them are setting those fires, right? I think so. It's an inside job. They're a one-man band. It sucks. My father-in-law... My stepfather-in-law. My real father-in-law is dead.

But my stepfather-in-law, my real father-in-law's dead, but my stepfather-in-law, dearly departed Dan, we love you, but Jimmy hates firefighters because he was the treasurer for Dearborn. And he says, these fucking firefighters,

they got it so easy. They work one day a month and they get benefits. We got to put an end to them. And I was like, you sound like the devil. Yeah, that's a hard stance. Like, take that to the streets.

You're not going to have a lot of people join you with signs. Because we are scared of fire. And with good reason, right? It's also hard to have signs because it's tough to find on DVD. It's one of his maligned films. That's one of the good ones. I don't know. No?

I could never watch it because I was too spooked. That's where I got, at the end of the movie, that's where I got the H2OEA thing because that's what Abigail Breslin says

to the aliens. What a dumb movie. These aliens, oh no! Turn the sprinklers on! Spoiler alert. Spigot alert. Okay, well.

I'm kidding. If you haven't seen Signs yet, first of all. Getigot alert. Okay. Well. I'm kidding. If you haven't seen Signs yet, first of all. Get around to it. Yeah. What are you doing listening to this podcast? You got movies to watch. Pause it right now. But hey, guys.

We do want to say we started the Patreon on Wednesday, and it's official. We're rich. We're incredibly wealthy now. So thanks to all the Chubby Chasers for getting on there, giving five, ten. Some guy gave 1,200 bucks. We just really appreciate it. Yeah, he gave us a whole check. Have you got a settlement?

Look, maybe you're at Kmart, you're drunk, you're riding around on that motorized cart. You crash into some propane tanks. Share the wealth. Somehow you get money because of that you win america's funniest on videos well i did talk to the lawyer of the pod bobby crane he said that was a foolproof way to do business yeah if you yeah if you were able to explode some propane tanks then they shouldn't have been there we if you. If they allow you to ride that scooter drunk, that's on them.

They're like the bartender that overserves. Exactly. If you're out pounding some hand sanitizer in your car and you're like, I want to go get some diapers. My legs don't work. It's foolproof. My mom rides those

motorized carts around and she is purposefully running into things all the time. She's doing it for the laugh? Yeah, for the bit. And then she'll turn back to me and give me a big smile and a wink. And it's like, yeah, mom, get him. But you can't say anything. No, because you had a stroke. Yeah.

I do love my mom in an airport, because she'll pretend to be a a complete spaz just so we can get to the front of the line. Yeah. And then she's laughing all the way down to the plane. Yeah. Well, she could probably do it. I mean, that's for her. She could probably board first with a quick explanation. But she decides to start reciting the Pledge of Allegiance real loud.

You get bored. They get you on the plane right away. Well, yeah, she pretends she's a troop. She always says, she'll be like, yeah, you know, my convoy ran over in IED, so I get to be on the plane first. She just likes to steal valor. Yeah. She doesn't even go anywhere. She just gets on the plane.

She's like, hey fellas, turns around. Yeah, that sounds like a good way to spend your glory years, right? Yeah, just pranking troops. Take one over. My dad wanted to do a bunch of stuff once he retired. A bunch of stuff, like, once he retired, like, get jobs at, like, Del Taco or a movie theater. Just be however you would want to be, you know? Yeah.

Someone who doesn't care about the job. Instead of someone, like, desperately trying to, like, do a good, do good enough to get a raise and shit. So, like, just telling people off and blowing it. And he also wanted to get a toupee attached to a hat and then greet people by doffing his cap and having the hair go with it. That's hilarious. Oh yeah, they were good ideas.

Damn. But instead he retired and then got cancer. Joke's on him. Yeah, not as many fun pranks. Yeah, he can't get hired anywhere because of the cancer. He can only work six hours a week. He has eyebrow toupees and he has one string. Pushing them.

Oh, oh. Yeah, it was shit timing for sure. The cancer? Well, the retiring and then having to deal with cancer right away. Yeah, that is the worst part of cancer is the inconvenience. Cancer's on its own time. Cancer's got solid timing

for sure. If it's not right away, it's as soon as you're done putting your time in. Yeah, he got his gold watch. It was actually made of uranium. Yeah, my mom retired and then had a stroke. Oh, shit, yeah, she retired. Damn, I didn't know.

Now she retarded. Thank her. No. Are you allowed to say that? It's my mom. Your mom had a stroke? Yeah. And because your wife's retarded?

Patreon, here we come. Oh, man. Yeah, that whole stroke thing. Not as much fun as it sounds in the movies. Damn, we both have it really tough. Yeah, we're victims. Sounds like... I didn't realize that we both have had

some real struggles. Yeah. Now my dad's in charge? That's insane. The inmates are around the asylum. Yeah, he's the... He's me in high school which was I ran for vice president in student council or senior class because I didn't want to do anything. Right. But like, hey,

student council for college or whatever. You just wanted to get laid. Yeah. And nothing gets 17-year-old girls wetter than bureaucracy. A type of girl in high school. Type A. Yeah, the go-getters. The go-gurters.

Type A wanted some type 2. These two. He held up his fingers. They're on different hands. That's the move. You entwine them like a thick rope and then you get in there.

It is fun to cross your fingers inside of a person. Snap. Snap. Yeah. Hello. Yeah, you ran for vice president. I ran for vice president because I didn't want to have to do anything, but then the guy who was supposed to be the president... Got hit by a train.

Got hit by... Yeah, he got pushed. He got assassinated. But into a train, yeah. The first school shooting. Like in House of Cards. I thought you were doing House of Cards no that'd be hilarious though

school shooting but it's to assassinate the student council president you said we get off campus lunch six emperors are at us yeah political statement yeah he lights himself on fire

we yeah we didn't have anything that wild but yeah i ended up having to be the president because the kid quit yeah that's your dad he was like hey all right i like this second in command deal oh my dad had a sweet gig you know just kind of cruising being everyone's favorite you know like people who met my mom and my dad my mom definitely didn't say a word to any of my friends in high school she would just be sitting in the corner and like you know wave carry on gentlemen yeah my dad you know meanwhile he's like moonwalking with his pants down

yeah putting the moon in it yeah hey he does it like every three weeks, but he forgets that it's a recurring thing. So it's always like peak funny to him every time. He's reinventing the wheel. Look, it's a corn moon. He splits his cheeks open. Yeah, that's how my dad moonwalked. He has to drop trow and then walked forward. He didn't know he was supposed to walk backward, but his ass comes out, so it counts.

Yeah, my dad really stepped up, man. He did a good job. But he did, you know. My mom, like, ran everything. And then Dave T. just ate ice cream for breakfast. Let everyone have fireworks on their birthday. Yeah, he was definitely the cool dad. He was a cool dad.

My mom, you know she we were definitely a matriarchy but yeah my mom popped that that big dirty vessel and uh it turns out that uh sublimating anger for 55 years will really really crank some some some some shaft in your brain. When she had worked on Hillary Clinton's campaign, right? Tried to help her get elected. My mom is Hillary Clinton. A lot of people don't know that. My dad was Bill.

My dad could have been Bill Clinton. My mom was such a party-line Democrat. She might have taken one from old BC. I pop out, I got a big head. I love the saxophone. Black people love me. Oh, I know, he was Arkansas. Go Razorbacks!

Yeah, they just go... That's what he said to my mom when he came. My mom was like, higher taxes! We gotta be tough on crime. Bill was like, I don't want to say it.

Alright. Take it out, Becker. No, no, no, it's okay. But yeah, man, if you have a mom, I don't have to call my mom anymore because I'm Patreon rich now. So I bought a new mom, actually.

I hired your sister to be my mom. Okay. You guys are the same age. No, no, no. I hired your sister to be my mom. Okay. I think you guys are the same age. Not the same height, though. No, no, no. She's a couple years older than you. Yeah. She's old enough.

She's in between me and you. Old enough to be your mom. Yeah. Yeah. In Nevada. You're going to start early out there. For the right price. Oh, God.

Well, I'm saying Nevada, not my sister. No, no, no. Kim's an angel. You said that joke. I know. Great joke. Is that what you thought no, no. Kim's an angel. You said that joke. I know. Great joke. Is that what you thought of? No.

I was coming back to that. Believe it or not, I don't think about your jokes. You love all my... I'm your favorite comic. Yeah, I always tell you to do the old jokes, and you're like, hold on, I have a new one. The new ones are better. The new ones are better. This one.

I tried to do one, and it was based in truth, but maybe it was too real. Our truth. It was based in truth, but maybe it was too real. R-Truth. It was based on Round the Truth, guys. It was based on R-Type, the video game, the side-scroller. No, it was a shooter. But my sister was a massage therapist for a long time, and when people would find out that that was what she did for work a lot of people would just be like oh yeah how much for a uh you know

and make a jerk off motion like hey how much for you know happy ending little giddy up like they really would people i can't remember who the best one was but there was one where it was just like holy shit like rick kern it's like my uncle it's your dad it was uncle rick uh no it was just like, holy shit. Probably Rick Kern. It was like my uncle. It's your dad. It was Uncle Rick. No, it was, oh man, it was like shocking because of who it was. It was like Cory Gardner. It was Michael Hancock. It was somebody, I don't think I'll be able to remember.

It was years ago. Was it John Elway? I was like, yeah, it's my fucking sister, stupid was john ellis ron elway but uh yeah i so i used to say how every time i would say that people would be like how much i would be like dude she's my sister she doesn't charge me i don't know how much it costs it's on the the house for me. It's on the arm, typically. We're related by blood. Yeah, it was gross. It was a good bit. It was good on stage, and then thinking about it off stage,

it's like, oh, maybe I'm never going to do that again. Yeah, that's how most of my jokes felt, my sister. I used to have a joke about her having Down syndrome. She's been... She's had Down syndrome, and she's been gay. Yeah. Just to suit your fancy. Yeah.

I had to make up a different sister for the Down syndrome and she's been gay just to suit your fancy. Yeah. I had to make up a different sister for the down syndrome joke. Because she wasn't having it anymore. She was like, I don't care if you say I gobbled box with the best of them. But brother, you missed me with that down syndrome shit. Well, I'm glad that she did that. She took a stand. We were just joking

I ate that pizza and then I was gonna go over to my sister she lives 10 feet from Lund's house he lives in a tree above her house I was gonna go over there and I gave her the box and I said there's one more slice left and then you know she opens it up

she gets excited there's no slice in there but even better take a dump in the pizza box that way there's some heft to it yeah then go over there and say hey there's one more slice left she opens it up human feces i think that was after you had the end of the manic epiphanies you know you ate and then your next, your normal thoughts back on Earth, in your human form, were the old, there's two slices left. It'd be even better if one is a slice, and one is a turd.

It's pretty good, right? We're punching it up. We're getting there. Welcome to writer's room. No, it's just, welcome to Matt TV, The Law Sessions. You poop in there and you put some pepperoni on it? Yeah, that,

alright. Yeah. Yeah, that's it. Some red pepper flakes. That's it. What? We got there. You're back,

you're back on the, on the highway to heaven. Yeah, man. That, uh, that manic episode was pretty fun. I have to do a show in Civic center park tonight

where if you don't live in denver it's uh where meth heads go to have unprotected sex so that'll be a good good booking it could be a lot it's just like any other show i do at a comedy club you know there's 25 people there uh half of them snuck in yeah you can buy drugs 10 feet from the stage it's perfect you're gonna get solicited hopefully on stage by someone going hey big dog we both use that joke about being called

big dog right? hey big man big dog stretch if they're feeling nice no you never got called stretch no I got meat say hey meat how much for a slice of that funky kaboom If they're feeling nice. No, you never got called Stretch. No, I got Meat. I said, hey, Meat! How much for a slice of that funky kaboom?

Man, I had someone go from Big Dog. Big Dog, hey, what you need, man? And I was like, oh, nothing, I'm good. Shit. I was about to hook you up, too, you little bitch. And I always thought, what happened to Big Dog? I never have wanted Big Dog back in play play except for that time that one time let's get back on the the right foot the guy was in a wheelchair let's get yeah he took that personally yeah one time i was walking

with clay to han who's like six foot six and 90 pounds and this homeless guy named nebraska said hey stretch can you slam dunk 360 and clay said yeah and the guy went bullshit one time clay was uh he was shooting hoops at the house the basketball court across from mouth house yeah and uh he was shooting hoops and then he he had to, like, run to get the ball, and he turned around, and there was two Latino children in the hoop. They, like, climbed up the back of it. They were hanging out on the, like, on the hoop, on the backboard. Yeah.

And Clay told me that he was just down there. He doesn't speak Spanish, and he was like, Muchacho! Muchachos! Abierto! Which means open. Yeah. Open it up. And I've always laughed at Clay yelling at muchachos! Abierto! Which means open. Yeah, open it up.

And I've always laughed at Clay yelling at muchachos, at children who were bullying him as an adult. What, they were going to make, they were going to swat the ball away so he couldn't make any baskets? I mean, he couldn't shoot hoops if there was a child in the bucket. That's what kept Sean Kemp from excelling.

All his kids. He couldn't see the hole anymore. He had so many kids and they haunted him. Ironic he played with the glove. He did, he had PTSD. Pretty tiny small dick. That's what they're always saying about troops, right? They come back and their dick's small now?

That's what you think? Yeah. All right. Yeah, it's like I went to vietnam and i came back with pretty bad ptsd that's why they're so upset yeah because they got little nubbins the dick suck their dick sucks now they got pinky toes for a garden hose that was one of the hardest times that we laughed in Paris was talking about micro dicks. Oh god, micro peens. The idea of a forum

on Reddit, right? Yeah, it's our small dick problems. I mean, Comptown covered this ground, but it's fertile. It's not fertile enough. No, it's fertile, but it's the balls that keep pumping out

the white stuff. Your short dick just, it's like... Your dick, short dick, just means... It's like a sawed-off shotgun. It's going everywhere. That's a great way. If you have a small dick, please refer to it as a sawed-off shotgun. Yeah, I got a sawed-off.

It's one chamber. It's fine. It gives a shit. It gives a shit. I'm not using it anyway. No one would fuck me. It doesn't even matter. My dick is small.

I'm grotesque. That's a troop coming back. Oh, man. Me and... I was at Stanhope's last week. With Fred and Mr. Pod. Mr. Stanhope. Yeah. Mr. Stanhope. Papa uh, I was at Stanhope's last week with Fred and Mr. Pod. Mr. Stanhope. Yeah, Mr. Stanhope.

Papa, as I was calling him. And me and Shane Gillis ate a bunch of mushrooms. And then we were on top of Stanhope's roof, looking at the stars, just, like, breathing very heavily. And then we heard his cat start making noise, Meatwig. And we laughed really hard, of course, because we're on mushrooms. And then we were laughing to the point of tears and shitting our pants about Stanhope's dog eating his cat. So Henry, Stanhope's dog, eating Meatwig. And then Doug having to run outside off of his bar stool and be like,

Henry, no! Meatwigwig oh god the beast, the beast has Meatwig stand up having to do anything is funny but him having to keep his dog from eating his cat yeah pretty good

oh my god we woke up the neighbors. We were laughing so hard dogs were howling. Henry! No! The beast has taken Meat Link. Calling your dog the beast. Yeah, the bond is broken.

Oh, dude. The covenant between man and dog. Right, it's severed. Completely. Oh, God! Good God! Henry! Not too... Reacting quickly, it's just funny to think. We had to put a cigarette

out. Henry! Tracy, cocktail! Henry! It got heavy though, because we felt bad because we were two 32-year-olds laughing at an old man. it got heavy though because we tried we felt bad because we were two like 32 year olds laughing at an old man you're an old man

and you invite you know two upstarts to your house yeah the youth movement right you invite them to your home

and then they just go up on your roof eat mushrooms and bully you yeah that's pretty good I felt bad about it but then we tried to go hang out

downstairs with Stan Hope, and he does that grandpa thing where he'll ask you if you know someone you've never heard of. So we finally go downstairs and, like, compose ourselves. Like, we've got to hang out with Doug. Doug's the man. We love Doug. We've got to be cool. And we go and we sit down in these two, like, gamer chairs.

And Doug turns around and he says, Do you know Danny Rubito? And we both just fucking turned to slime yeah and had to get up and walk outside immediately again back on the roof yeah time to go back up on the roof well it really is a whole other vibration and it sounds stupid oh yeah until you realize like uh not that long ago your sister had some people over and i think a couple of them were on mushrooms and i have a an old phone case that is like sparkly stars that move around yeah and i got it because i thought it'd be funny on drugs to have something you know you're looking at your phone and it

doesn't make sense so you flip it around and look at the the cover but So I left it over there on their porch and texted your sister and was like, hey, I left something for you for tonight. And like 20 minutes later she goes, the phone case

or the bag of dog shit? And I had already seen them having a giggle so I knew that they were, whoever over there was stripping was out there. And I'm just like, god damn, like, of course the phone case. Well, you didn't leave the bag of dog shit in a pizza box. No.

Yeah, that would have been, yeah, then she would have been howling. She would have been, now I'm loving it. Now I'm loving it, yeah. I'm feeling this. But, no. Yeah, it was pretty good. That I was, like, yeah. I'm feeling this. But no. Yeah, it was pretty good that I was like sending her a threat. It's just a bag of dog shit.

Dude, my sister on mushrooms is a menace. She is a terror. Even when she's not hallucinating, she's still an enemy of the state. But you get her on mushrooms, like we, for the 4th of July, we rented a hotel room. And it was like me

her mel jansen cock jansen cocks partner uh and then pickles and siobhan you guys don't know who pickles and siobhan are they are a gruesome twosome all right yeah so my sister has her cabal of flunkies the party gal yeah yeah so we're all on mushrooms and helix jansen cocks girlfriend doesn't take mushrooms. So it's just my sister, Pickles. Pickles like threw up. She was laughing so hard. Siobhan pissed her pants.

My sister's just spinning and screaming while we're lighting up fireworks. And then poor Helix, who's already, you know, a quiet person, just has to listen to these women just fucking terrorizing the stars. Laughing like, you know, they just pranked god yeah you it's better to get on that same level than to stay behind oh yeah yeah you're just on the outside

looking in uh to pretend time you know come to life it's a lot i just uh yeah i haven't i haven't tripped hard in a while the last time i tried was in trinidad for the southwest chief oh yeah festival and but it wasn't the right and a veteran ruined it for you it wasn't the right kind of mushrooms to wear like i made a bunch of portabellas i ended up in the bed up in bed instead of hanging out by the pool partying. Yeah, you missed out on an epic pool party. We had a keg. We were doing belly flop competitions. People were dumping them out.

It was sick. Yeah, I couldn't do any of that. I had to be in the room. It was like instead of having a bunch of visuals, I went within. And so I couldn't have like a ton of people like chirping and chattering all around well there was the mushroom room there was the pool party and there was also the dmt chamber a bunch of people were smoking dmt in zach moss's room oh shit yeah dave borey was in there huffing you know fucking cosmic dust having epiphanies

i kept calling him being like splish splash surf's up yeah you he was seeing the sword yeah you were throwing chairs into the pool literally there was like 25 of us in the hot tub and then we had a keg next to the pool so if you want to get a cold one you just fucking roll your fat body over the edge of the hot tub into the pool go over there it was sick good scene you had your trip ruined by a troop meanwhile a troop increased my joy at the pool party kyle pogue led the pool that led the uh belly flop contest oh nice yeah what troop are you talking about dan jones oh no dj cool that was that was funny because It was before I tripped.

That was just drunk person around a sober person. It's the same when people are tripping and you're not. You're just like, no, not everybody is on this fucking carpet ride. Yeah, Kermit the Frog isn't the funniest thing. I know where the car is. You don't have to keep wondering why we're lost. We're not lost your hammer well yeah he went back to his time at war he was a tracker he was telling us to get down yeah he's sniffing

broken twigs and shit he said there was a bogey in the orphanage come on man he's got a pretty tiny small dick for sure oh for sure dude that thing shattered he left it over there. Dan's cool, man. He loves to drink a gallon of vodka. Yeah. I don't get too mad at people dropping big cups of water or getting fucked up. Because I've gotten fucked up.

Yeah, but you do believe the situation. If people are too drunk. That's my right. It is your right your body your choice that's what we're marching for you gotta you gotta retreat if possible you can't just always stand your ground and tell people to drink less yeah hey be more responsible hey temper sober up hey inside voice temper five this la quinta isn't to have us back if you keep insisting on throwing up

into the pool filter. I'm testing it. I'm pushing its limits. I am an engineer. One of us has to give. Dude, that reminds me. We had a substitute teacher in high school and middle school.

This old man that looked like skinny santa claus classic and whenever we would bully him too much his he would say i am an engineer damn it and like pound his fist on the desk i like that it was awesome man i am an engineer she would have put your head in a vice or something tighten that shit up. This is engineering. Engine queering. That's when you queer an engine.

An engine part. Oh. It's a thing. It's a thing, yeah. Alright. You thought it was a naughty thing. Yeah. You thought it was going to be Patreon only.

By the way, if you want to hear us... Get to the bridge. Yeah, if you want to hear us push the boundaries of good taste, get on that Patreon. We've had a couple episodes where we've had to not release them. Well, I wouldn't say that they're edgier. I would say that they're sillier. They're looser. So why not have some, I don't know, lesser grade stuff that you pay for? We're doing it backwards, but hey.

Crisscross did it backwards and they were billionaires. Yeah, man. They bought Senegal. They got so rich they were able to wear a pair of clothes backwards and a pair of clothes right ways. Yeah. At the same time. And never wear the same two outfits twice. Yeah.

They would burn them. And not even flipping them. I'm talking you wear the two, and one is in, and one is on the outer shell, and then they're gone. They're in the incinerator, down the memory hole. They would always wear, like, Chris Mullen jerseys. They supported white basketball players, which was nice. They had some weird jerseys. Yeah, someone had to back then.

They were very cheap. Not just by Chad. Yeah, they were cheap. back then. They were very cheap. Yeah, they were cheap. Nobody wanted Dan Marley or Craig Elo, Mark Price,

outside of Ohio. Come on. Yeah, nobody had a fat Stockton jersey. Whoa, I got Stockton and Hornacek. Look at me. I'm feeling it.

Yeah, you'd get murdered by any other kids that saw you wearing Rockin' the Marley. You're wearing a Ryan Bowen jersey. I liked being a 5'1", dumbass, fat, white kid wearing Shaq and Charles Barkley jerseys. Like, those are men. What are you doing, you little boy?

What was I thinking? You little pubeless troll. You can't rock a Larry Johnson. Yeah, those aren't for you. Come on. That's childhood aren't for you. No. Come on. That's childhood stolen valor. Look at me.

I'm 7'1". Oh, fuck, man. My dad, I remember my dad getting, he played basketball. He was a very good basketball player. And just him complaining about the lack of bounce passes in the present game. It's insane. In the 90s? Yeah, just hearing him complain about present game. It's insane. In the 90s? Yeah, just hearing him complain about basketball now. It's all slam dunks and three-pointers.

Where's the 12-foot set shot? That puts butts in seats, Dad. Yeah. Play an Indiana-style ball. Slow it down. Yeah. These scores are too high. I want a 63 to 68 game.

Just like God intended. That's when you know that they left it all on the court. On the parquet floor. Yeah, my dad just wants WNBA scores. That's all he cares about. Well, the fundamentals are either fun or mental, depending on which side of the street you came from. To that I say, duh.

Well, yeah, in the middle you've got... Fun, duh, mental. Oh, that I say, duh. Well, yeah, in the middle, you've got, duh. Mental. Oh, that pizza's coming back. Man, that was some rich stuff. Dude, you know what?

Marshmallows. Mushrooms. You can use the two. Marshmallow. I'm the guy who orders a marshmallow pepperoni pizza. Can I get some

stuffed marshmallows? It's Applebee's. Why can't I get this? I love truffle oil. If you ever want to get me to suck your dick. I have a marshmallow dick. Oh, hey. Yeah.

Dip that marshmallow in some truffle oil. Damn. I'll lick it clean. You can't recreate the taste of truffle. Yeah. In a lab? Yeah. There's just the real deal?

Yeah. yeah in a lab yeah there's just the real deal yeah it's like uh it's the taste of like uh necrotized flesh is what it's most akin to shit who's calling me nice it's a prisoner i'm literally getting calls from prison right now don't take it we're doing the pod yeah i'm not gonna answer that he's just trying to extort me Don't take it. We're doing the pod. Yeah, I'm not going to answer that. He's just trying to extort me. He wants me to send him some more stamps or else he's going to send a hitter to my home. They all have scams.

Yeah. Yeah, this guy got me to take a tour of a condo. You're handling first and last month and he's going to get you a third month's worth? Yeah. This fucking prisoner's got me on a timeshare scam. You've written a bunch of checks with different dates on them.

Send them off. I send him half the check and I'm like, if you're good, you'll get the other half later. I know that for the most part, prison jails are not as action-packed or dramatic as you see on TV. Those things happen.

I think they're just spread out. So there's a lot of just crushing boredom. So I think what you're doing, talking to these guys, is very nice. It's nice of you to do. Yeah, but I keep blowing this guy off. He kept calling us when we were in Trinidad. It's like, oh, I'm sorry. I'm hanging out with a babe near the water.

You, the big pig. The blue hawk. She's got him, too. Up top. Nothing behind. I've really enjoyed Mara Wiles feeling herself. Yeah. Our friend Mara, our dear friend Mara, she invented the catchphrase, who's got him?

Oh. Which is in reference to a lady who has well-endowed breasts. Right. And Mara... It was Mara's fault. Well, yeah, Mara got drunk at Claire O'Kane's wedding

and just started pointing people out. Amy Miller, she's got them! Get over here, Amy! She's giving nuggies like a baseball coach. She was holding court. She was awesome.

The parquet floor was hers. Yeah, she was bounce-passing off girls' tits. But yeah, Mara recently... She's like Kevin girls tits. But yeah Mara recently. She's like Kevin McHale out there. Mara has grown some boobs and

she's posted them all over. Yeah. She's calling herself out. She started a hashtag. She's got them.

Yeah hopefully she'll cash in. Yeah I hope so. Take it to YouTube. Mara is so funny. Yeah Mara

rules. Shout out to Mara. And only Mara. Mara rules. Shout out to Mara. And only Mara. Mara has been in New York for a while. Engaged to Kevin O'Brien. Let's just drop names. Jeff Hornacek, Kevin O'Brien.

Vladi Divac. We've shouted him out a couple times. I love Vladi, man. When we were trying to figure out who we should have shout us out on cameo yeah we went there were a lot of dead ends with the 90s basketball players that we wanted yeah the big guys that were hitting the boards like charles oakley i don't think is on there theo ratliff yeah no theo ratliff the mason brothers uh they're both dead not anthony is. Who's the other Mason brother? Tony. That's Anthony.

No. There's Tony and Anthony Mason? Are they the same guy? I don't think there... There was Anthony Mason on the Knicks. Did he have a brother that played? Perry. Perry Mason. Yeah.

Solving crimes and cleaning the glass. Yeah, we wanted to get a guy who averaged two points a game and 15 boards. Yeah. My favorite kind of ball player. Six years in the league, played for five teams. That's right. A journeyman.

Yeah. But some of those guys were assassins, too. A sojourner. That's a sick screenplay. Write that up. The sojourner? Yeah. You know what that means? Sojourner that's a sick screenplay write that up the sojourner yeah you know what that means sojourner to go on a sojourn yeah okay i was thinking a sojourner truth yeah that's why you gave me the yeah i was like that's a person not a thing you thought i was gonna be racist stop objectifying sojourner truth i don't even know what they did or their gender you didn't commit you didn't

commit i like that you're learning don't assume yeah i don't know hell gender is just a paradox right yeah i think we all have everything inside of us it's just what's gonna poke out that's how i felt this morning man i felt like i had all seven genders in the palm of my hand just juggling them which everyone hits the ground first is what i'm gonna be for the next six months i'm gonna go do this show in the park and get covid and aids someone's gonna someone's gonna stick me with a needle down there someone's gonna throw a covid infected q-tip at you a giant nose swab they're just gonna whip it at you that's what i get for drawing a bullseye on my gut that's my closer just like hit me with the darts lift my shirt up yeah it could be a wild time it could be just six people looking at you. And you're always on a stage that's ten feet tall.

Mm-hmm. For some reason. I haven't done anything at Civic Center since the mayor kept calling me Jesse. When was that? It was like Earth Day or like Global Health Day. We got Jesse Ventura here, former governor of Minnesota. It's me, Jesse the Body Ventura. No one's ever done an impression of me before.

This is good original content, brother. Yeah, well, who was he thinking you were? Jesse Spano? No. Our mayor was Ace Ventura. Ace the Body Ventura. Now we're onto something new and fresh. Now we're doing it, yeah.

Gotta go the extra mile, like Sojourner Truth did on her sojourn. I can't think of any Ace Ventura quotes. You must be the Monopoly guy. From the sequel. From the better one. That's Ace the Body Ventura. Truth detective. from the better one that's ace the body of insurance truth detective he solves like uh animal conspiracy theories when no one talks about all the dogs that died in the concentration camps 9-11 was an inside cat But yeah. So I was introducing, I had to MC Earth Day or whatever.

Oh, okay. That sucked. It was like me and... I ride my bike with no handlebars, that band. Flowbots. Yeah, Flowbots. We're down there. We're chilling, we're rapping.

Spitting. Yeah, there's a cypher. I'm in the middle of it. I've got my consciousness and raps going. I'm like, the man always has to stand for what's evil, but you cannot conceive L's, losses

that you take. The hate is what's fake. And they were all like, you're the best. This prisoner will not leave me alone. He has my mom's fake. And they were all like, you're the best. This prisoner will not leave me alone. Well. He has my mom's address. You agreed to take his call. I did, but, you know.

I don't know what to do. I'm in over my head. But anyway, I get down there and I gotta bring on Mayor Hancock. You called him Jesse. No, no. He introduces himself and he says, I'm not. No, no. He introduces himself and he says, I'm not going to do the voice. He says, hello, I'm the mayor.

Hello, I'm the mayor. And I said, I'm well aware, sir. Good stuff. I like that whorehouse scandal. No, but he comes up and he's like, hey, you bringing me on? And I was like, yes, sir, Mr. Mayor. And he said, what's your name? And I said, Sam. And he said, alright, Jesse.

Just go on and here's what you say. i was like all right yes sir just laughing to myself because he went with jesse right away yeah and then decides what your name is in that moment i don't know and then i go back on stage and it's like hey everyone's me sam t and everyone's like sam t flowbots do a break dance when i say sam you say t sam t yeah they weren't slam dancing they were sam dancing so anyway everyone says my name a hundred times and then i'm like hey everyone it's your favorite my favorite uh keep it going for mayor michael hancock and he gets up there and he's like let's keep it going for jesse he just it's like he had one name that he was going to use that day you look like

a jesse yeah the catering girl came up and she's like do you want soup and he's like you know it jesse yeah it's just everyone yeah it's probably everybody day to day like he has a different name of the day i think so so that he's having fun instead of just relying on one name that would get old what day four yeah car, Carmelo Anthony was there. He was like, let's hear it for Jesse Anthony. Casey's daughter. This is a pretty good Hancock, right? I don't think I've ever heard him speak because I'm not a real estate developer.

Ooh. Ooh. Political. Political. Because I don't have any palm grease if you know what i mean dead presidents with his name on them i never grease his wheel do we have any sponsors this week uh the campaign to re-elect michael hancock unfortunately we're gonna have to put that check back in the mail. Oh, crap. He only mailed us half. It's post-dated. Yeah, he learned from you.

It's addressed from Jackson State Prison. How many convicted murderers are you talking to? Well, everyone's innocent in prison. How many unrepentant psychopaths? And you probably don't get into that because.

I definitely don't ask, what are you in for, brother? Well, you only do that when you're in there too. Yeah. Because there can't be the judgment. Right.

It's like, hey, I got to check your, I got to check your driver's license, man. That's what they say. You got your papers on you? You got to carry your papers around

to make sure you're not a child molester. Really? Because if you're a child molester, me and my boys will fuck you up, man. You're dead meat. So you have to have your papers? Yeah, you have to have your driver's license.

That's what they call it. Oh, okay. I hang out with prisoners on the phone all day. Right, so you pick up some. This guy was like, I checked this cat's papers. And he had to go back to the pound. Hoof, hoof. Whoa.

Yeah. That's pretty raw. Dude, I'm raw. I'm uncut. I'm turbinado sugar up in this biatch. You white-ass motherfucker. raw dude i'm raw i'm uncut i'm turbinado sugar up in this bitch white ass motherfucker yeah that's cool most of the dreams i remember i'm in prison and it's so fucking it sucks yeah like anytime if i have anything coming up that i'm nervous about boom that night i'm probably in prison and I didn't do it.

It sucks. I started having the nude dream recently. Oh yeah, that's weird to have 15 years after you've taken your last class. I'll be at like a picnic with all my friends and family and we're all cooking hot dogs

and then cut to I'm nude and we're like playing a softball game. The other day I had a dream that I was. You were pitching. Yeah. You can't even like hide in the woods. No. In the outfield.

And I'm. Fashion some pants. Out of some leaves. Shrubs. I think this speaks to my own sociopathy. Is I'm not even upset when I'm nude in these dreams. I'm literally walking around with my one hand covering my balls, the other one I'm drinking a bush light.

I'm just chilling. And sometimes I'll have a hat on. Sometimes I have a big straw hat on. The rest of me is completely nude. I'm out there Farmer John-ing it. In the buff. Turbinado. It sucks.

it in the buff turbinado it sucks i'm glad i'm glad we're covering dreams because people love hearing about dreams for sure but hopefully you can relate to those fucking naked ones here's another naked one i had this is an insane dream i had a dream that i was at mel my brother-in-law mel's grandma's christmas party the worst place dude Christmas party. The worst place to forget your pants. Yeah. He's black. It's a bunch of black people and me. And there's a door. You open it up and there's an indoor wave pool.

So it's like all these black guys are hopping in the wave pool, riding the waves. And I'm standing there nude. And there's guys being like hop in big cat get in here big man you little bitch and i'm like i can't get in i'm nude i've yeah and they're like my pants blew up honey i blew up my pants and they're not upset they're like no just hop in it doesn't matter you can be naked in here. And I don't get in. And then... The waves would hide your shame. Yeah, well, no.

Because as soon as that wave goes back down, they can all see your bobber. Yeah. Yeah. Low tide. Yeah, I look like a fucking Navy SEAL. I had PTSD in there. And I was nude in the water. Dreams, man.

They're a glimpse into the subconscious. that's the thing i've been saying that's how you keep people from walking away at a party yeah it's like my original thought you suck them in get them on the hook for more of your sweet dream content let me finish. A lot of comics have the bad gig dreams and I luckily don't normally have those. I've had like two where I'm on stage and I can't remember anything. I can't even riff the way that I would if I got

caught in a gap between jokes, trying to remember what I wanted to do next. Just like nothing. I always hate how stupid you have to feel. You can't run. You can't fight. Like, throw a punch is normal. Nothing works the right way.

It's powerless. It's like, you're in a bad situation, no pants on, and you're, like, constantly tripping. You can't drive good. Like, that's an accident waiting to happen you know you're on the steering wheel it's so stupid you keep saying you keep saying you don't have pants on do you have a shirt on when you're nude in the dreams yeah like are you just bottom usually there's a shirt no i don't know what are. What are you wearing? Like a sleeveless Phillips 66T? Well, something cool. You got a Shinedown shirt on?

I got caught up in the shirt. Forgot about the pants. Because I don't have any pants that are Rob Zombie supporters. Look, no pants can follow this trapped T. Walking billboards for fucking edema. I got the top, but the bottom is just nothing.

I can't even show people the cool bands I listen to. I got cake pants. Just thinking about how I'm going to spend all this money we got from Patreon. It's almost too much money. Like, oh, God. Do we have to start a foundation or something? Yeah, I think so, man. Do we have to like start a foundation or something yeah i think so man do we have to give to the arts or whatever i think i have to bribe biden bribe him to drop out

yeah drop trout i want kamala kamala kamala anderson is what i call her she's got him does she have him i don't know i plead the, because she will lock my ass up. Yeah, she will. She, I guess, is pretty cool. We'll see what happens. What's cool about her? The fact that she's incarcerated generations of young black men? That's what you like? I think she has softened

and has become more progressive, but also as she's gotten more power, I think maybe she appears to be more of like a progressive she might not be we'll see I'm voting for Pence

just Pence no pants just Pence that's his motto he'll pitch a tent yeah if he's watching the Backstreet Boys perform it's so weird that that guy Lou Perlman he'll pitch a tent. Yeah, if he's watching the Backstreet Boys perform. It's so weird that that guy Lou Pearlman ended up being a creep.

He looked like a cool guy. Everything about him seemed like he was a straight shooter. Wasn't it insane? Like, oh, this guy is not completely fucked? This humpbacked whale wearing sunglasses inside with a little tiny toupee.

This guy's a diddler? No way. I can't believe Ron Broman let his brother Lou get away with that shit. Yeah, if Lou was locked up with my boys they'd keep calling me, man. Oh, yeah. They would have turned his asshole into a fucking

sliding door. A doggy door? Yeah. People coming and going as they please. Crawling in. On all fours. Yeah, bringing a bunch of mud in. Tracking that shit through the house.

Right on the carpet. I really wish we pooped in that pizza box. I've been sitting on this egg the entire time we've been podcasting. I'm about to go pull the pin on this buck grenade all over your bowl, dude. Luckily, Megan isn't off work for like three hours, so hopefully... That's the other thing is that like anybody that is friends with you their boyfriend

or girlfriend or husband or wife has to deal with your shit second hand so they get the like they get the negatives without the years of friendship and like you doing me a solid so it's just like stinking up the bathroom,

breaking something, forgetting something that you were supposed to give me, forgetting to tell me the antidote. I slipped some poison in your food, but... Whoops, I gotta go. It is funny that I'm gonna dump in there and then Megan's gonna get home

and she's gonna be like, oh my god, Blundy. Blundy poo. What did you do in here, mister? It'll be gone. I'll light a candle. I'll light a shit-scented candle so that she thinks it was the candle. And not you. You're like, I've got good news and bad news. The good news, Sam was here.

The bad news is, he ate an entire mushroom pizza. Yeah, the truffle oil is now at the bottom of our toilet. Truffle pig, reporting for duty. You got some truffles you need finding? I think the next episode we should wear pillbox hats. We're not telling anyone about it? We need some, like, hat energy. You just spoiled it.

Oh, fuck. I've been wearing a hat this whole time. You've been sitting on a hat. I accidentally sat on a hat. I didn't want you to notice. Do you like my hat that I'm wearing? You did. Oh, it's a hat.

I thought it was your hair. No, it's kind of like an Undertaker hat. Undertaker back in 93? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's pretty good Check it out look what's underneath this hat You got the feather I'm gonna take this hat off look what's underneath it

Smaller hat I like that in case the bigger one blows off You're like oh I'm still in the game Yeah I still have this covenant with God I like that about certain religions Certain yeah I like that about certain religions. Certain, yeah. I like that about a certain religion. Well, I think other people also have a hat.

A hat thing? Yeah. Like, Amish wear hats. The women wear bonnets. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, so you weren't being the worst. No. I said certain religions. Yeah, I thought you were being the worst. No, I said certain religions.

Yeah, I thought you were being a little stinker. One very powerful religion, the Amish. They run... They're calling the shots. They run all the butter media. I had a friend say that you are full of shit about Amish food being bad. Oh, cool. My friend Katie said that Amish food rules. And I thought about it.

It's because they didn't start fucking with weird preservatives or corn syrup. No, no, no. They only have salt, butter, sugar, and they load up. So everything tastes nice and salty and sugary and buttery. Is this your friend Katie who's the dumbest person alive? Or is this a different Katie? Katie. Oh, Katie. Oh, Katie and buttery. Is this your friend Katie who's the dumbest person alive? Or is this a different Katie? Katie. Oh, Katie.

Katie and Landon, we went to high school and we had it together. Oh yeah, didn't Katie like... They're very smart, but they listen to the podcast for some reason. Landon bit Katie's tongue off, right? So she can't... They were doing the ritual of Cthulhu, the ritual of Chud from It. Yeah, I think that's who you're thinking of. I have a couple friends that

had that happen because we're all similar ages. Right. Monkey see, monkey do. Katie, if you're listening, hey, I just want to let you know, there's this food out there. It's called gumbo. Give that a try and shit your fucking pants, alright? Because if you think Amish food is good, I've got two words for you.

Enchiladas. Try that on for size. Yeah, I think we've got to edit a lot of this out. The giggling? The wiggling. The squinkling? The pigling. No, this was another great episode, guys.

Look, if you're into this kind of thing and you want one more episode to put just a little bit of worth in your meaningless, empty life. That's another. He giggles. So as I was saying, this whole Patreon thing, man, it's cool. Like, I don't know if you've heard about it. Have you heard of Patreon? I've heard of Patreon. Yeah.

Patronus. Yeah, Patronus. So you give, you put your credit card number in there also if you don't want to give a cut to Patreon I get that you don't want to support Big Brother

just send your credit card number and your billing zip code to me and Lunt sure yeah we promise to only take out $5 a month

we'll figure out which day of the month or day of the week you want that to happen on and we'll take out $5 we'll month or day of the week you want that to happen on, and we'll take out five. We'll leave the other 12 for you. Yeah. That's for you to pay some of your rent.

Mm-hmm. And, yeah, hopefully keep a roof over your head for another couple of hours so you can listen to more great, great content from the CB Army. Not the CP Army. No. We're not with them. CB 10-4. Man, if you're caught with CP and you try and step to my crew inside, inside the prison where my fans hang out.

Yeah. Man, they're going to fucking turn your mouth into a sausage factory. All right? They can read your book. Can they listen to the podcast? Of course not. Okay. Yeah.

There's no gang-related material inside. You can read books, but you can't listen to podcasts. No, because we put a bunch of secret messages in here. Kill the warden. So, yeah, it's like, you know, the CO is fucking your wife. You can't have this kind of stuff in there. Gotcha. Yeah.

Redact it. Little Johnny's stepping on your turf. You better shut that shit down. There's shit in the meatloaf. You can't have Big Tommy and Little Johnny. I mean, that's just two different energies. The other day I pulled a dead mosquito out of my nose. Oh, at the comedy ranch? No, I was hanging out in my backyard and I picked my nose because I was feeling myself and fucking bugging there. You know, I did want to mention something because of the Comedy Ranch. Comics, when we get back to shows, or if you're able to do outdoor shows, socially distanced shows, whatever,

this is something that is not in vogue. It didn't sneak back into style during quarantine. But if you're hosting a show, don't do time in between the comics. You don't have to do 12 minutes between every comic on the show. That's not like something where it's like, oh yeah, I thought that because

people haven't been to a comedy show in seven months, they forget who the host is. You have to do jokes to remind them that you're a comic and not just some stranger that wandered up and it's gonna start like reading your manifesto no you do your jokes up top as the host as like hey welcome here's some jokes and then the rest of the show you're just

like you know the captain of the ship you're facilitating and you yeah And you make sure that the cruise makes it back to port on time. Right, and also let's say the headliner does 20 minutes, 25 minutes on your two-hour show. It's already overbooked. Maybe you don't really have to go up after the headliner and do eight minutes of character work. Whether the show's inside or outside right it's okay you got all your shit in get your shit in up top and then you've warmed up the crowd you've done a good job yeah and you're like on autopilot the rest of the time like you just have to remember the next person's name give it up for troops yeah give it up for Greg Proops. Give it up for Proposition 429, which is to make Greg Proops enlist.

Give it up for R-Truth. Give it up for Girl Scout Troop 369. Yeah, yeah. They're taking a tour of the cornfield right now. Hopefully they don't get lost. So hey, like I said, if you wanted to hear all the shit that we just cut out of this episode because it was too mean and deeply personal, get on that Patreon, like, share, subscribe, tell all your friends.

You know, if you need to get the word out to a friend in prison, maybe suggest the pod, put a bunch of your pubes in the envelope, seal it with jizz. All right, give them something to look forward to. Seal it with a kiss. They can't tell if, you know, there's not a lot of tasty food in there. So maybe eat some pineapple for a couple weeks and then send them a jizz-a-lope and they can lick it off and have some ice cream.

You get a kiss from the hose. Yeah. Seal. Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. Meh.