Chubby Behemoth - Just Like Those Wolves

Episode Date: October 9, 2023

Get 20% off and free shipping at https://www.manscaped.com and use code CHUBBY   Double Indiana Jones. Goodbye Ball, Hello Cock. Do You Want Your Own Room?   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth   Extra episodes at Patreon.com/chubbybehemoth

Well, this is a bold new venture for us here at Shrubby Behemoth Enterprises. We have a backdrop finally. You talked, we listened. Did you want us to live in Kansas City? We moved here. Did you want us to buy improved audio equipment? Clow down. Hopefully we don't step on it.

It's on the ground. We have a Zoom PodTrack P4, which is the cutting edge of mobile podcasting technology my sound guy friend in trinidad recommended a mixer that was 895 dollars and i said pass i love our fans but not enough to to invest well that's why he's the sound guy in trinidad so he can go down there and he can finally get armadillo mating season he was in la until he you know recorded what uh spielberg and the boys did to that girl on the set of jeopardy before they poltergeisted her he does uh he was doing sound for uh the tarantula migration and you need high quality equipment to pick up those little those little legs scurrying across the desert floor and you are not kidding that is the truth He was actually there for the tarantula migration.

No, I was riffing. No, no, no. I don't think you were. Because the tarantula migration, that's what brought you down there the first time, remember? No, no, no. Yeah, you went down there because you said you were going to have, it was an all-you-can-eat spider buffet. No, you can't eat them. That's a crime.

You can eat the fucking tarantulas. They can't defend themselves. They're actually venomless. You know, if you have a flat palm uh they can't get you they have to be able to get their fangs like down and around their own body and so they have to be like around a corner and then they can yeah what if you have a fat cupped hand and you have a bunch of flesh folds in it even flat though my palm still has these divots from where I had those Twizzlers pull-and-peel accidents back in the day,

where I got 40 lashings and then 40 lickings. Look at that. Look at my natural divot in my palm. I know it's not. From being in the trenches. You know who's in the trenches right now is Kelsey Rosen, solo trip to the World War I Museum.

And I will admit, I wish that I could have gone with her because I'd like to experience... We should have gone. We should have filmed there. No, we had to eat shitty barbecue again. But you had to go to Payless and get some more fucking old lady shoes.

No, no, I did have to get a sleeve for my calf. But no, we had to go eat more fucking awful dog shit, not for human consumption barbecue that Kansas City's known for. But yeah, Kelsey, she's down there right now, army crawling through mud. She's wearing a gas mask and a Who Farted t-shirt,

which is a funny combo. She's got a fart loading. She went in that bathroom today and we walked up on her and we got her right when she came out and I got to hit her with a Jesus Christ, Kelsey. What'd you eat? A bunch of diarrhea? Is that what you had for dinner and breakfast?

Yeah, but Marie from World War I. Yeah, did you eat the cigarette pack too? How many worms did you pass in there? I liked the idea of her, because she said that it's immersive. You're able to go through actual trenches and they recreate, I'm sure, the sounds of war, maybe the smells overhead of mustard gas

yeah and then i imagine her where they're like and now you get to untangle yourself from these shards of razor wire it's like no just stuck in there or like a family from toledo you know it's like daddy daddy it hurts yeah they were gonna film are we there yet for there but ice cube refused i would uh like to imagine that the world war one museum is you park at the edge of a like a big muddy lot and then you have to walk through one and a half kilometers of mud just up to your ankle mud teeth bone marrow or football fields andy defrayne except instead of shit, it's mud and shit. Was he crawling through shit in that movie? Yeah, it was a shit tunnel.

Really? It was a sewage tunnel. I thought he was underneath Willy Wonka's factory. He was not Augustus Gloop. Oh, God. That was Augustus Poop. Here's how fat I was as a child. I was so jealous of Augustus Gloop.

Oh, we all wanted to be in that candy land. What a chocolate factory. All right. Your brain's real shoots and ladder right now. Man, we have had some full days, full hearts, full bellies of, yeah, four out of ten barbecue. Jesus, barbecue should not be for sale. Letdowns. You should only be able to get barbecue if you're working on a recreation of an old-timey plantation museum.

If it's Colonial Williamsburg and you've got an old black man being like, come on up, we've got the pork butt for you. That'd be okay. If it's a guy who's manned that pit for literally generations. This is what it is. You have a successful formula for a great barbecue shop. Everybody loves it. So they're coming in by the truckload.

There's a line out the door. You've got four people who have worked there for 15 years. It's their whole life. They don't have kids. I mean, they did, but they're not allowed to see them. So their focus is great barbecue. Yeah, they accidentally smoked their kids. That's right.

Everything just went into the pit, you know, because they wanted to fucking do it right. And then they get so successful that, you know, some fucking tech bro buys the name or something. You know, all of a sudden they scale up their franchise. There's seven locations. And all of them suffer, you know, because you're hiring some kid out of high school

who, you know, majored in HVAC technology. Yeah, high school major HVAC. He was hoping, well, some vocational schools. He went to Pickens Tech. Have majors, have concentrations. I cannot put together a transmission, but I can make a white barbecue sauce that is almost better than battery acid. You're hired, Sonny. Come on in here.

So, yeah, I think that, yeah, some of these places suffer from their own success. More money, more problems, as the prophet Muhammad once said. And now, speaking of success, you know, we're up here in the B room of the Comedy Club of Kansas City, the projection room, which is cool. It seats like 25. Yeah. I'm sure a lot of the local guys crush in here. I'm sure Dayton Bissette's headlined up here a couple times. Probably Evan Goult.

We'll see Dayton tonight. Last night, we got sent from Aaron Scarborough. He backed out? No, it's just like we have to be up here right now. We're recording this at 6.30. That's right. Our show starts at 7. Dayton's going to go on at 7.15 after the woman you scorned goes up to host.

Do you want to talk about that? I guess I have to because you decided to bring it up. No, no. If you're afraid, it's okay. If you don't want to apologize for your wrongs. Yeah, I should apologize to these people. She listens, bro. They all listen.

All the sweet mamas who look like young Sarah J's listen. Shout out Aaron Scarborough for last night. He did a guest set on Acid. bro they all listen all the sweet mamas who look like young sarah jay's listen shout out aaron scarborough for last night he did a guest guest set on acid he said he timed it just right do you think that meant that he was coming down or that he was he ate acid at noon he went on at 9 30 okay yes yeah he just wasn't on acid anymore i'll bet he was he was still feeling it but he had landed the plane i don't think there's any parades for what he did i thought he was going to go up there is that what i said well no no. He should be lauded as a hero? Well, people were acting like he was going to go up there

like in the throes of LSD poisoning. If he would have gone up full tarantula brain. If he would have taken it at seven and gone up at 940, that's when you're Oh, God. Snakes! Snakes! Just has the cord around

the neck. Speaking of which i thought i yanked too hard i thought i bought 25 inch i thought i bought two foot long cords no 25 foot long cords i'm gonna i'm just gonna swing home sweet chariots you're gonna be like Spider-Man got the symbiote suit on. I'm fucking double Indiana Jones. You're Venom. I can whip my way across the heartland. Yeah, I went to unfold one of these chords and it just kept coming. It was like that Smash Mouth song about the days and how they're endless until, you know, they're not. You're dead, Steve.

This looks like we're talking to someone who has been shrunk by some type of honey-I-shrunk-the-kids ray. It's like we stood on someone until they were an inch. Hello, little kid. Hello. If you're watching this, we know that you're there. Do you have teeth now? Can I? Or are you still gum and stuff?

How bumpy is your tongue? Stick it out. Can you identify salt and vinegar? Because I got some chips for you if you can. It's me, Jimmy Unctuous, who's hungry. I have all the flavors. Would you like lemon and dark chocolate? I have that.

Are you Willy Wonka's nemesis, Unctuous P. Nightmare? Yes, it's me. He does all the tasty flavors. I do cod and molasses. Unctuous Q. Savory. Didn't we do Unctuous guy already? Yeah, Joe Esch had mediocre barbecue with us and said, Alabaster P. Merkin and unctuous Q something.

I think they're brothers, even though they have different last names. It's a mixed family, blended family, modern family. I just really want to apologize to anyone right now who is mad at us for bashing on barbecue. It's not just a Kansas City problem. It's a pandemic of awful dog shit food. It's a plandemic. To take our money from us. Yeah, god damn it.

Spend $22 for six burnt ends, uh are supposed to happen organically it's just yesterday's brisket that they cubed that's what i'm saying that's all it is the popularity has made the places create burnt ends uh artificially yes naturally organically yeah it's supposed to be a beautiful thing and we suffer i remember the first time we went to the when there was just one oklahoma joe's yeah and it was just the gas station we had burnt ends and they were incredible and that's the only time i've had them uh that way that perfect way since then i've gone to oklahoma joes i've gone to slaps the best thing we've had here so far is chick-fil-a yeah it was great i have no i'm not at all kidding i'm not being facetious that chick-fil-a was great. I have no, I'm not at all kidding. I'm not being facetious.

That Chick-fil-A was like, oh, thank God. I've been eating sand for days on this shipwrecked island. Oh, cool, a coconut. That was the coconut. Because before I ate it, I had sex with it. It ruled. It was really tasty. Barbecue really needs to be stopped.

You should have to get a permit. You should have to appeal to some spiritual should have to like appeal to some like uh spiritualist you know down there in muscle shoals you should have to be able to play a steel guitar on your lap while wearing a blindfold you know like robert johnson style meet me at the crossroads so i can give you an actual like dry rub recipe you have to sell your soul to the devil to get a tasty plate of burn-ins for 12 bucks i wouldn't have sold my soul to him because it's already gone uh but i would definitely have like given the devil nudes of my wife if he would have given me a solid fucking meal we ate at jack shack what was it called jack stack i would have rather worked at the jack shack i would have rather gone to tony roma's it had a tony roma's vibe. There was a family, like a last name with the possessive.

Yeah, Fiorelli's. Yeah, the Fizzoli's Jack Stack Restaurant. And we went in and it was fancy. And I was like, this is going to be bad. It looked like a claim jumper in there. Right. So, yes, very fancy. We were in the suburbs and I was like, all right, this is maybe going to be okay.

We sat at the bar like we were businessmen trying to have a little tryst with our wives. We went there because of Maddie. So I think we're even because she tells us to go get great burnt ends at Jack Stack's. They weren't that good. And then I returned the favor by being mean because last night there was... Misogynistic. No. Exclusionary.

No. None of those things. Well, exclusionary. But... Man first. We found out that some of the people involved with the comedy club of Kansas City will sometimes play a poker game. Poker. A game of skill.

A game of chance. So we stick around. And there's a few of us that are going to play. Maddie, very funny comedian. Great host. Has never played poker. Thinks about playing. Then decides what to...

Or maybe the owner of the club, Dustin, suggested that she deal. She's the dealer. She can see how the game is played. I get nervous right away. Because I have... that she deal. She's the dealer. She can see how the game is played. I get nervous right away because I have gone. You start rocking. You're stimming. I've gone. Start doing that thing where you click.

I start scratching, picking. Oh, fuck you, Carlos. He says I've been picking, scratching more. There's no way. I know I used to scratch and pick. I've tried to be better about it. So I feel like there's no way that I have had an increase in my picking or my scratching

or my smelling of my picked fingers. There's no way. I've been more conscious of it. We're trying to be better for you. It's a real ASMR situation, though, because I think you were chewing gum on an episode when we had microphones. No, no, no, no.

I don't think I ever chewed gum on the episode. That was a scratch. That's fine. It wasn't a pick. It was a scratch. But anyway, he's picking. He's scratching.

He's sniffing last night. As soon as a woman sits down at the table, he says, poker? Let's get to know her. No. I fucking know. You said poker. Which hole? Top or bottom?

Yeah, that's a good line. I've gone through the trials and tribulations of starting a home game, starting a friendly game of cards. I did it in Henderson. You really made it friendly. After college, a group of us, old friends from high school, did a game almost every week. And there's a lot of fucking ins and outs.

What hand beats what? You turn and burn. It's three. And then there's just a lot to it. And then when comics in Denver, we tried to do uh uh games uh you know we wanted it to be weekly but we could never figure out when to do it because during the day half of the people have day jobs at night half of the people are booked the other half pretending that they're booked you know the other half posting at shows and saying finally got on right yeah i'm so glad

to be on pallet city. That was also difficult. And also, a bunch of comics had not played Texas Hold'em before, but they wanted to be a part of it. They called it networking. They said it was a good credit. Sitting under the learning tree. I opened a pack of cards for Sam Talent. That's right.

And so I know that it can just be a lot. Mistakes can be made. And I didn't want Maddie to screw up a bunch of times, fuck up some hands. All of a sudden, the trajectory of the game has been altered. You would have had to hit her. No, I wouldn't have hit her. But there was money involved.

And so I just said, you know, I don't know if this is going to be a good idea. And I thought maybe she would stay and hang out and see how the game is played. And then maybe next week or in the future, you know, she would play. She'd finally feel safe because you weren't here. But she left. And I feel bad and I'm sorry.

Well, also you said. I'm not sorry because we had a really good time. You said though. Confidently dealing and playing cards like men like to do. Lighting cigars with $100 bills. The boys were back in town. Talking about how we can undermine the Carnegie's network. It was good.

We were the Rockefellers of Leawood, Kansas. But what you did say was you were like, I take this seriously. Okay. That's what you said. And you loved it. You couldn't wait to tell people that I said that. No, I don't care about that.

But I'm just trying to recreate the moment last night. Because you didn't say like, hey, Matty, why don't you chill out and watch us learn how to deal a little bit. Then you can catch up to us. I could have done it better. Yeah. Instead, you said you put your Chris Moneymaker sunglasses on. And you put on your dealing gloves that you bring with you tech bud hoyle tex tex hoyle tex whitley i don't know the cow white cowboy amarillo slim he was in all

oh bud bud bronson and the good timers uh dwyer yeah killed himself at the poker i would have loved to have played with bud wire i'm ruined he's got trip ace you know he's got pocket aces uh third ace comes out on the river And then he gets sucked out by a straight Or something And then just, everybody's fine Everybody's gonna be okay I'm gonna get out of here

If you're watching at home, my family, go ahead and turn this off Put the cubs on Let's see if the pirates can beat the fillies Let Harry Carey Send you off into a nice little afternoon nap. My God. Did the fridge just turn on? Oh, my God.

Bud Dwyer turning the gun on himself. Oh, my God. He painted the town red right there, did he not? Cardinals up 6-4. He's got a gun. He's got a gun. His bullet's entered his mouth. It's right there near his throat chamber.

Oh, he's applying pressure on that trigger, moving the trigger the infinitesimal distance between life and death. Oh, and the gunshot goes up. Holy cow. Oh, that is a clear bullet hole through the brain. I'm Harry Carey. Oh, he's committing Harry Carey. With a gun. But with a gun. It's taking forever. I can't Carey. Oh, he's committing Harry Carey. With a gun. But with a gun.

It's taking forever. I can't get him. I can't die. You really can't, but I got it right here. No, you're not doing it. You're doing Will Ferrell. I didn't do a good Harry Carey. I'm doing Will Ferrell doing Harry Carey.

Yeah, he never got it. But everybody loved it. What was the name of that sassy cartoon cat? He also gave him Parkinson's. He's got a little jitter to him. Harry Carey didn't fucking vibrate like that. I think he did because he always had a yoni egg in his butt. I watched. Oh, he was an egg man. He was an egg man. His father was an egg man. I was a Steve Stone guy. He was the other. He didn't get any as

much play. Also, Hawk and Wimpy, White Sox broadcasters. This is a Chicago podcast based in Kansas City, but we're talking about the world. Yeah, talking about Texas. Hold on talking about was Bud Dwyer in Wisconsin. Pittsburgh. No. Yes, it was Pittsburgh. Okay. Yeah, I'm going to Pittsburgh. I don't have any shows, but it's going to be a good time.

I'm just going to be hanging out. I'm just going to be it's going to be a hey, where's one? I'm just going to give clues throughout. It's going to be a hey, where's Lund? I'm just going to give clues throughout the day, and I'll be at Pittsburgh's famous hot dog corner. Nathan Lund lurking in the city. Come and see me. Which bridge is he going to be hanging out underneath? There's three of them.

No, rivers. There's three rivers. There's infinite bridges. Yeah, lots of bridges. Don't worry. We'll find a bridge for you, Nathan. I'll be hanging from one of the 17 beautiful bridges in Pittsburgh at the end of the month. He's decorated like the Amstel River at Christmas.

Take a river cruise through Amsterdam and see Lon's body nude, picked free of the clothing by the crows that he loved. Oh, the crows, they're coming. Oh, shout out to the dude that drove up from Shreveport, Louisiana. Yeah, Hunter. Nine hours one way. Yeah, but I gave him the show of his life. the crows they're coming oh shout out to the dude that drove up from shreveport louisiana hunter nine hours one way yeah but i gave him the show of his life drove up yesterday watch the show oh my god this man has no friends or family in shreveport briefly talked to us and then was and his buddy who doesn't listen to the podcast who didn't know who you were

he's the lun guy but you know for my stand-up, not the pot. Yeah, he was one of the eight that saw Soup Son. He fucking 5.8 thousand and growing, kind of. Slowly. It's down to an ant scroll. Oh, my God. And they burnt out the servers trying to keep the lights on at Lund's special Soup Son, available on Vimeo.

Yeah, they were, I think, headed right back. I don't think they got a hotel room. I think they were going right back. Joe Esch would have let them stay at his place. Thank God you went long so that they got a little more time with you. And then I thought, okay, they're splitting the time on the road. And Hunter said, nope, I got a couple of deweys under my belt. And so the other guy's driving the whole way and I said, you got some

Adderall? What do you got? You got a cheat sheet? He goes, no, just coffee. I just pound some coffee. I was like, okay. God bless you. They're not going to make it to the boot heel of Missouri before they fucking pass away. Oh my God, the boot heel kick. Right into the

Mississippi River. Oh, drowning in mud. Picture clean of their flesh by carps. Oh, the carp are tasty tonight. Oh. Oh. Oh. He did do a lot. Oh. Oh, long fly ball. Whoops. That was just

a pigeon. I'm confused. I don't know where I am or what I'm doing, but I love sitting in this room encased in glass talking into this tasty black hot dog. Have you seen the videos of the, I think it's an old, long-time Mets broadcaster

who's been hit by two foul balls recently? No. Because it's not enclosed. It's open, like press box in some of those older stadiums, I think. And yeah, there's video of him getting beamed. The first time he's calling it and it's, you know, oh, fly ball, ricochet. No! Because it just like hits.

It bounces off of something. But then it just like pops him in the face and he's okay. And then I think the other clip he's able's able to avoid being hit by it. But, yeah, it's like. It's kind of my whole job to watch what the ball's doing. You thought I would have seen that one coming, but, no, here I am, bleeding from my ears, eyes, and nose. Oh, I can taste it in the back of my throat.

Ladies and gentlemen, that's right, more blood. I'm a reverse vampire. I feed off myself. Royals up three in the ninth, and I can't see out of my left eye. Coming up, left-handed batter, Mark McGuire. No, he was a righty. He was a righty, but he hit switch off the field.

Oh, bye. Secret homosexual. Secret bye guy. Hey, goodbye, ball. Hello, cock. Hey, goodbye, ball. Hello, cock. So, yeah, you really gave it to Maddie last night,

and she hasn't talked to you today. It'll be fine. She'll be okay. It's been a good weekend. Two more shows tonight. Can't wait to not know which jokes I've done and which ones I haven't. Isn't that nuts? The sets bleed together. Well, it's even worse when your headline, the i know uh can really fuck you up in one night where

it's like what have i already said what did i want to do where am i uh what is the point of all of this i can't feel my feet yeah it can it can get a little crazy i got driver's foot for the first time in a long time oh yeah because i drove Yeah, because I drove from Des Moines. Shout out to Des Moines, all the Des Moiniacs who came out. I didn't do DeGroin. Listen to this lineup, everyone. All right. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Tell them. Hit them with it. Look, I was at the Des Moines Comedy Festival, and I've been headlining comedy festivals for a long time now. And there's no more coveted spot when you're headlining the fest than the 9 30 wednesday show that's the one that you need that's the one that lets you know hey you've made it everything's going according to plan start them off hot i don't know first night oh they had they

had two other shows earlier that i could they could have done my show at seven in the same room yeah but no all those people could not get away from the cornfields and the scarecrow factories where they work. So they had to come in. And how many openers do you think I had, Lund? When I got in the car and you started the story, I knew it was too many. I would have guessed six.

That is two-thirds of the way there. Nine openers. Yep, that's right. All of them doing... I couldn't believe it. I couldn't believe it. And then I would have said, okay, they were each doing five to seven, probably seven or eight, seven to eight.

If the world wasn't upside down and kooky, if Harry Caray was still alive, he would have mandated it. But no, nine openers doing eight, which means they're doing 10 to 12. I think you said it was eight to 10. It was eight to 10, which means they're doing 10 to 12. I think you said it was eight to 10. It was eight to 10, which means they're doing 10 to 12. Light at eight. Nobody's going to respectfully yield a couple of their minutes to the grace of the headliner. Yeah, the old nasty road dog.

They're going to suck up every little minute more so they can. Some of them are just going to wear it. Do you have food on this microphone? It's right out of the box. Okay, so that's not food. Okay. Every microphone has a little bit of styrofoam in one hole, and that's what keeps the whole thing going.

Mine doesn't have any. Well, that's why you sound bad. Ah, come on. I bought this shit. That's why I can do the hair of Carol voice the whole time. You got to stop. That sounded like Asian. That was bad. It was not asian i just said harry carrie no okay yeah i knew a girl named i knew a girl named harry carrie she was the little warble in there

i got a little boy no no all right harry car. Harry Caray, she wouldn't shave, she wouldn't wax, but she would suck. Oh, you know what sucks is they're seating the projection room right now. I forgot that there's a show up here, so we should probably. Wow. Hi, everybody. Our podcast is called Chubby Behemoth. Check it out. Hey, give it a listen.

We'll be out of here in a little bit, so we're kind of a free pre-show show. Well, actually, I'd prefer if you guys put your fingers in your ears and shut your eyes. Because I think this is a Patreon episode. Oh, yeah. It's five bucks a month. So you guys should probably not have any of this committed to your memory. You shouldn't be able to take any of this in without crumpling up an Abe Lincoln and throwing it at us. Or if you guys just want to get your checkbooks out and fill it out too.

You want a check, huh? I'd love a check. Paper trail. I like to have a check because then I can stockpile them. And if someone gives you like a check every month, then you can totally tank their bank account if you cash them all in at once. Oh, you slam them.

I do. I'm a financial terrorist. You buy the dip. You create the dip, actually. And then you buy the bank account when it's overdrawn because it's negative money, so you actually get paid to take it over. A lot of people are confused what buy the dip means, actually.

It means I take everyone's money when I have it, and then I buy Fun Dip, and then I sell that. Yeah. Yeah. God, why don't they just sell the stick? Am I the only one who feels this way? Well, I was going to say, have we talked about it? Did you eat the stick?

I only wanted the stick. That's insane. The stick was the best best it was like a little vanilla kiss it was it was weird but i ate it because i had issues with throwing food away as you know i've seen your act my current set yeah kind of does a lot of blaming my dad fuck you dad i'm glad you're dead yeah your name's dick penis i hope your soul's in india so that you know that your name could be translated over there as Dick Penis. He'd be so pissed to be in Indian heaven. Like, it stinks up here. What the hell?

Everybody's on a scooter with a bunch of chickens on there. We got to take the damn bus to meet Jesus. He has to drive the bus in the afterlife. They're on the damn roof. He drove the bus. What's going on? Nathan. Nathan is, well, I would say dad typically, but no, it's me.

Richard, your father. We're not bonded by family now that he's on the other side. Oh, yeah. Do you want to? I ate the fun dip with the stick and then usually ate the stick as well, but yeah, you think that's the best part. That's insane. I would just buy the stick and then usually ate the stick as well but yeah you think that's the best

part that's insane i would just buy the stick it was available you just dump the bag of i don't need that that shit sucks no it's good no it's gross anything you needed the dip and the stick together to really have a good time you might be surprised me and andrew quinn growing up in elizabeth would buy fun dip i would give him the powder. I would take the stick. We'd go our separate ways. I like that. One time Andy Quinn got one of those foot-long pixie sticks that are in the tube, and he went to down it, and it choked his sinuses in the back of his throat, and his dad had to grab the hose and jam it down his throat to clear it all out.

He almost drowned in Fun Dip on his seventh birthday. The hose had to blast water and clear the way. Yeah, he had that giant pixie stick, and he was like, I'm never going to die. I'm seven. He got a giant. It came with a giant stick, and he was like, get it out of there. Yeah. Get his tongue out of the way.

I can't wait to drive a snowplow in two years on my ninth birthday. Yeah, and his dad, I remember jamming that hose down his throat, and we were just like, okay, can we play Smash TV now? Now the show's over. Oh, yeah, that was crazy to play at home. I love Smash TV. After only being at the arcade. All of a sudden, it was in your living room.

When that and Metal Slug were available for home consumption, I gained 150 pounds. It changed your life. I had a six pack. I was 12 years old. Then all of a sudden, whoa, Neo Geo is available for at home. Next thing I know, 150 pounds. People are confusing me for a beanbag chair.

I have bed sores. Snails are living in my folds. Your bed was sore from you being in it so much. My bed hated it. My bed was like, give me the Bud Dwyer treatment. My bed was like Give me the Budweiser treatment My bed sounded like Harry Carey If your bed had arms it would have bought a gun And used it

The bed would have told Sophie You need to get out of the room You're safe, everything's okay Don't worry, I just have to do something Sophie was not allowed in my room Oh yeah, that makes sense Sophie would stand at the door and say Go to the bathroom I just have to do something. Sophie was not allowed in my room. Oh, yeah, that makes sense. Sophie would stand at the door and say, go to the bathroom. Yeah.

Go to the bathroom. Quit filling your jugs. Like, you get some jugs, you can come in. Wait, how about this? Okay. Last night, late show, group of five older women, probably in their 60s. Three women, I think. Three or four women.

You walked them. Oh, yeah. You were raunchy and rude and had an attitude. It was more of the... You were too much for them. It was the cumulative effort of Aaron Scarborough's on acid. Yeah, total weirdo. I think during your set, they fell asleep.

They loved it. And then I came out and was like, my wife's got heavy ones. Oh, they laughed so hard that they got tired took a nap no no they loved being asleep instead of listening to you oh yeah they were like this is great it's like we're practicing for death well my my set was all about death so they were like i'm gonna take a little mini death vacation petite mort that's right yeah they're all orgasming the lady in the front to the left was loving it and i and then like we had a little i was like i like you because she all my dark stuff they were like dudes you know that look like us that were loving it

dead dad who cares like they're like yeah fuck my dad dude he sucks and then uh so and they were like you know dotted throughout the room and then normal, nice looking people were aghast. They didn't like, you know, I did a lot of dark stuff about death and whatever. But this sweet older woman in the front row was loving it, laughing hard, enjoying herself. We had a real good time together. But yeah, these other women, yeah, left during your set because you said what about children no no they left during the uh my wife has heavy breasts which i think came right after the thing about girl scout cookies and my plaintive plea that i'm not actually the accursed

you make it sound like uh the host or in this well let's not give away all the tricks okay yeah yeah i don't need to burn my material. You come up with a lot of stuff on the spot. Every show is different. Every show is different. I'm riffing every time. He hasn't written a joke in years. Yeah, this all comes off the dome.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. The sphere in Las Vegas. Which I saw. Yeah. In life. But yeah, these women left and I guess on their way out,

you said the bar staff said they were like, well, that was a bit much. That was a little raunchy. It was a good idea to come out. I'm glad to see you ladies. But wow, that was a bit much. Yeah, they were wholesome about it.

Well, that's the way it should be, right? If it's too much, if it's not for you, it doesn't mean that Sam's wrong. It doesn't mean that I'm an asshole. No, the world's crazy. It doesn't mean that this club sucks. It means that, yeah, you fucking tried to do something without thoroughly investigating, which is fine. I was going to say, there's not a movie trailer you could literally watch a clip or two of you.

Oh, yeah. Have a whole special on Amazon Prime. But still, you don't have to do homework for everything that you go and try to do on a night out. But if you don't do any of any work, any research, then you also shouldn't be mad upset. And they weren't. They just, you know, went for it and it was like, ooh, you know, but yeah, they walked out. That was what was funny is when I, you know, I was outside, Scarborough was outside. And when they left, they weren't in a huff. They weren't loudly complaining, whatever. The bar staff said that they didn't ask for their money back.

They just, yeah, you weren't for them. We weren't for them. And they were OK with it. And you know what? Back in the day, it would have haunted me. I could give a shit less now at this point. I'm like, dude, I do a good job. Obviously, I do a certain kind of thing.

And if you don't like it, I get it. Kick rocks. And I heard that they were like, we got to meet up more than just after the wake of one of our husbands dying. Yeah, we got to get together more than when one of the old men drops dead at the foundry. So, yeah, no, you know what? Ladies, suck my kiss. I hope you guys went to get malted and one of you had a peanut allergy.

I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I'm just joking. But yeah, get out. Don't come back. I should come out on stage and be like, who's ready to get fucking crazy? Who's ready to have their brain blasted

by triggering ideas? I'm going to skewer the norms. I'm the mind freak. I'm the mind freak. I'm David Blameless. Criss Angel sucks. I'm the mind freak now. Give me your minds

and I'm going to freak them out. Lights go off. The mind fucker. You guys ready to get your fucking psyches boned out your ass? Because I've got a whole hot load of logic

that i'm gonna bestow upon your brain pussies so why don't you split those ears wise open and give me a taste of your sweet sweet brain cum spread your mind pussy fucko yeah no it was good it was confusing when they left because they weren't mad, but that's the way you should be. Oh, hey, that was, hey, at least we got together. At least we're still on this side of the fucking earth. Hey, we got out of the house. Next time, maybe we look for a PG-13 icon on the website, huh? Well, I thought he was going to be like a magician because his name is Sam Talent.

The mysterious Sam Talent. The enigmatic enigma. We didn't know that he was going to be the psycho from fuck town. We didn't know he was going to describe his wife's breasts for 15 minutes. How cool they are. It's one thing to say that she has them. But to elucidate on that? No, no.

He really drove that point home. Fed it dinner. i tucked it in woke it up offered a tea said you need a ride back we didn't know that he was going to be the fucking skewer skewer of sacred cows and he was going to grill him in front of us as we ate him with our tongue butts we didn't know he's going to tear down God and bury him in the earth. And become God himself. And piss on his grave. He was going to turn reality upside down and then insert himself into it.

We didn't know that he was the truth and the light because the dark is all. What do you got? This over here on the wall looks like it's out of Stranger Things. It looks like we could have a portal to the upside down forming right here in the projection room get

tickets now because whatever comes out of there is going to be crazy i didn't watch that show because i'm not a pedo it's good it's fun all right yeah it makes people sentimental for a time when they could still bang kids no come on they're like i was 11 i remember i remember playing spin the bottle there's young love but i feel like they're not like, and also it is funny because the seasons took a long time to film. Did that kid ever get teeth? They go from like six to 12 to 17, you know, so it's wild. Yeah, I think he had surgery. Wasn't that kid all gums?

He got a head transplant. He's like. I think his grandpa died, and so they took his grandpa's teeth and put them into his head. Yeah, no, he ended up looking all right. If his mom didn't have teeth, she was probably pretty popular. She had too many teeth. That's why he came out with, you know.

Right, because his mom used them all up. That's what a lot of people don't know is that mommies are born with the right amount of teeth. Lacko teeth. Yes, he had wacko teeth. Lacko, wacko. We are. Whoa. What? Times, I mean, he had wacko teeth. Lacko, wacko. We are... Whoa. What? Times... I mean, I'm having fun. Me too.

I'm having a good time. We've been in that hotel room. We went to check into the hotel, the A-Loft in Leawood. I said, hey, I'm... I need to see what the B-Loft looks like because the A-Loft, isn't that... It's not that good. The pool's good. No, it's nice. No, it's great great the pool was filled

literally to the edge and as soon as we even looked at it it overflowed just start the motion of the ocean yeah yeah prematurely uh evacuated itself it was so it was like when you did your cannonball my head first cannonball and i almost cracked my dome yeah dude i hate when you do that usually i'm in control and i guess it's been a while since i've done it yeah he like tucks his knees up to his tits and then just goes face first and you can't kill a mockingbird style you can't yeah you can't go into a dive because you got to hold the cannonball the whole time you got to commit to the bit but yeah it makes me nervous usually i rotate more than i did and in this situation yeah

i went down pretty quick. Yeah, you went nostrils first. And kind of scared myself a little bit because, you know, I didn't crack, like, the back of my neck or anything, but it was kind of close. Also, if you do, like, hit your head and you drown, I am leaving. You wouldn't have pulled me out. I would have been like, I would have watched you die just to see what it's like.

Awkward. I would have been like, check, please. die just to see what it's like uh check please i will not have what she's having time of death 4 20 p.m legalize it time to go try on his clothes free undies yeah time to engage prank creech protocol plan 69 no but yeah we went to check in and i was like, hi, there's two beds in my room, right? And they were like, no, you have a king suite. And I was like, well, I need two beds. Let me go up. There's two beds. Then they come up 10 minutes later

and they're like, we actually have a room for Mr. Lund. And I was like, Lund, do you want your own room? Then you went, no. No. Why? And then that woman was so confused. She was so like, okay, well. Yeah, I didn't see her.

She didn't get it. Yeah, she's like, well, none of my business. Look, lady, we've been friends since 2009. I was commenting on his Facebook wall in 2010. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I was posting just to your wall in 2010. 2010, you said, hey, you should call your special pump handle slam.

And then I said, you should call your, I'll only do that if you call yours. Hey, everybody, make way. It's Sam Talent. Yeah. And I don't know what that was from. It was from a giggle that we had outside of the Lion's Lair or something. I guess. I don't know.

I didn't even think we were friends back then. I thought you were still a big swing in Billy. I moved to Denver June of 08. We circled each other hesitantly for about six months. It was probably October 08 was when we first met. Yeah. That was when you were Manson in full swa. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Outside of the Oriental Theater. Swa on your forehead. Swastika tattooed on my forehead. Lasered it off November 3rd. I kept it around for a while. We did that fundraiser show i remember and then uh for shoah yeah and then uh i yeah i don't know we well we i feel like we didn't get close maybe not in 09 like close because when it came to starting the fine gentlemen's club

were you just stimming no i was uh i just realized this is like the worst angle because whenever I go like this, it's just chin stimming. Oh, no, you got to get a beard. Get a beard, buddy. It doesn't matter how many chins I have because I've got a chin protector. I don't have to wear a helmet when I ride a scooter because I have this little ring of fat that protects my chin from my chest. I was going full tough the last two nights, too, and I decided to fucking do away with that. Get over it. Well, the tuft is too much.

Because people are literally like eyes on the tuft. I can see them. They're not looking at me in the eyes or the mouth. They're right here on the tuft. Yeah, they're like, oh my God. It's beautiful. If he's that hairy right there, how deep does this rabbit hole go? What does his mound look like?

God, I want to see that mound. What was I saying? Who knows? I remember when Chris and Bobby and I were talking about starting a show together and forming a crew, and they wanted you to be a part of it. And I was like, really? And when would that have been? Like end of 10?

I don't know. I don't know why you were a dick about it. I just didn't know you well is what I'm saying. But 09. I think you were scared. I literally think, if I have to tell you the truth, I think you were intimidated that I was the funniest guy. I was

going to the Squire. I was taking the bar tab. I was going at that point, and that's what made me cool to you. I remember you were playing pool, wearing sunglasses at the Squire, and I went on stage, and you went, hold on, Tex. I gotta see what this kid's got. And then you pulled your sunglasses down, this kid's got and then you pulled your

sunglasses down took them off and then you watched me by the end of it you were going you were chewing on him and you just nodded yeah and then you put him back on and look me right in the eye and you went all right anybody that played pool during the squire was a dickhead because it were a literal hustler four feet away from the stage yeah and people would act like you were an asshole for being in their way and it's like this isn't pool time billiard bob yeah this is adult swim yeah you have to fucking leave the pool area before i make you do a headfirst cannonball into the fucking corner pocket floor uh-huh those were good times you know when i remember we definitely had a moment was outside of the skylark when you me elliot woolsey kevin o'brien

discovered that we were all senior class president in high school it was hilarious that these four random doofs uh had both think of that poor S.O.B. ran against Kevin and lost. Troy Corey Healy. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Now, are they the same age? Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Classmates. Yeah, yeah, yeah. BFs. Maybe I'll go tough tonight. Maybe I'll let them have it. It's Saturday night. They probably won't freak it out. Cut that T into a deep V,

and then you can show them your world. I'm going to take this off and just let it swing. Take out both. Take out swing. Take off both. Take out what? Take off both shirts. Go up shirtless? If you want to give them the whole tough. I don't.

I don't want that. I want them to be able to pay attention and not go, wow, how high are those pants? What does he think he's hiding? Can we talk about, do we have time? Can you talk about, how well do you know Evan Guest? Golt? Golt. Yeah, yeah.

Do you know him well? Yeah. You blasted him today. He looked ridiculous. He did. I've known Evan. Evan hosted for me and Naylor. You host him down verbally.

He hosted for me and Naylor when I was living in Vegas and I was in the blue room. He came down and hosted. So I've known him at least since 2017. And back then he was just a sweet kid with a full head of hair. Really? Yeah. And now his pants match his head. Now his pants hit him right below the nipples.

He looked like somebody made him wear his outfit against his will. Yeah. He was like. Actually, and the pants wouldn't have been that bad if it weren't for the shirt. If he had like a cool button up shirt, kind of like a Kramer thing, he would have been great. He was wearing a baby doll shirt. It was like a hookups tee. And so, yeah.

What is that? You don't remember hookups, T's? Was it like the ones that said like princess or something? No, dude. Hookups was like a skate company, and they had the really sexy big titty anime girls on their shirts. Oh, okay. You remember what I'm talking about? And they hit them like right here, and like skateboard guys would wear them with really high water pants,

but they were for chicks to barely cover up the bottom of their boob. Oh, my God. Oh my God, dude. Well, that was restless. That was that. Oh fuck.

I'm just flashing back to seventh grade. Heather Ruskin, a hookups D. Oh my God. Well, yeah. So what? Uh,

hold on. I need, I need to, okay. Well, yeah, don't talk so that I can also not talk is what you were doing. Fountain City Comedy Festival has been this weekend.

We did a show Thursday night. We did a show today, Saturday. During the day, a brunch show called Hot Waffle. It was very fun. Evan was hosting. And you and I were asked to do the show. We went there. And then you said.

We were begged to do the show to quote save the fest well yeah it's always fun to get a couple extra guys it's like when sean patton always comes over to high plains yeah so yeah we go to do the show and then you say uh-uh i'm not gonna and i was like there's no way that you are gonna hang out here and not do the show. Like, if you would have said, I don't want to go over there. It's going to be a lot to go up and back. We need to do a pod. We need to do two pods. We could have stayed in bed. I would have gone back to sleep.

You would have jacked it while looking over at me to make sure I'm sleeping. Yeah. Not to be hard as you were when you were 14. Well, I was showering today, and you said, are you jacking it in there? You were? No. Oh, okay.

I wouldn't have responded. Remember, you burped really loud, and I was like, nice. I'm not going to be mid-jack and be like, oh, nice jerk. He's joking. Oh, no. It's called joking. But yeah, so we're there. You say you're not going to go up.

I was like, yeah, right. I was jacking. Just tell, so we're there. You say you're not going to go up. I was like, yeah, right. I was jacking. Just tell me. I wasn't. Okay. God, just keep them guessing, I guess. You're bluffing like we're still playing Texas Hold'em. But you flushed your jizz straight down the shower drain.

So we're at Hot Waffle, and you're not going to go up. And I was like, I'm going to take the over on that one. And you got inspired because Dayton Bissett went up and said, Hey, I'm Dayton. I'm Dayton Bissett. I asked my dad why I'm called Dayton. I'm not from Ohio. Why am I named Dayton?

And he said, well, I was dating your mama when you were conceived. So we named you Dayton. And then your eyes lit up because like, oh yeah, I just had like a, you know, in like a slot machine, I just had money signs roll up.

And then my tongue kept unfurling like these mic cords. God damn it. And I was like, okay, well, I, you know what happened inspiration struck as it usually does in the sunshine and sunshine when you have a mouthful of almonds pecans honestly pralines

pralines yes we'll get there so i went on i was like hey evan can i go up after dayton bring me on as dayton's older brother and i went on and i made fun of him for sounding like, you know, oh, hell, I'm dating the set. Gee whiz. There's a lot of sassafras in my undies. Mommy better get some more goddamn washboard chalk because these need to be stiffened up before I go back to the big city on that aeroplane. So my whole thing was, I'm going to say, I did a bunch of funny stuff at the end. So my whole thing was, I'm going to say, I did a bunch of funny stuff, and at the end I was like, by the way, I'm inspired to tell y'all that, yes, Dayton was named after that

because Daddy was Dayton Mama. So he's named Dayton. And I am inspired by his bravery. And now it is my honor to reveal to you that my name is, in fact, B.F. Bissette. And I wish it stood for boyfriend. Because Daddy and Mama, they were Dayton, but boyfriend would have been the same thing. in fact, BF Bissette. And I wish it stood for boyfriend because daddy and mama were, they were dating, but boyfriend would have been the same thing.

But my name is, in fact, buttfuck Bissette because daddy was buttfucking mama and I was their miracle child. Somehow. Yeah, the seed was planted, dude. I was glad that you went up. I was glad that it took

the littlest stupidest little thing to uh to change your mind and get you up there yeah because damn it was fun it was really fun yeah i ended up blasting evan when i got off stage and saying it's close yes on stage no on stage yeah well who knows you got him just tore him down he didn't care he's he seems uh like he's doing all right he's doing good everyone's doing good Well, who knows anymore. You got him. Just tore him down. He didn't care. He seems like he's doing all right. He's doing good. Everyone's doing good out here.

Yeah. Shout out Ryan Tricky, Stephen Taylor. Aaron Naylor can suck it both ways. Taylor and Naylor. Keith Tractor trailing. Came through Trinidad for some reason. Yeah, sold no tickets. Here's what I'm saying.

Do you want to do 10 minutes later? Yeah. Because I want to go down and hang out with Dayton before he has to leave. Yeah. All right, we'll be back after our show. Stay tuned. Bye, everybody. Sam.

Nathan. I don't know if you know, but it's time. Time to get a fresh face for fall. Really? Yeah, I do four faces a year. Each season, I'm a different person. And with fall, you know, you got to clean clean shit up and manscaped is here to help I was thinking about wearing sting makeup for all of October the crow yeah it's Halloween it's spooky it's you know coming back from the dead I love it I might go full juggalo for November too you just met violent J you might as well

be silent s He loved me. I'll bet he did. Because I knew all the slang. I was like, hey man, Nedden Pie. And he was like, oh damn,

this man knows. This man knows this shit. My two liter just filled with blood instead of bagel. Nedden Pie means pussy in Juggalo slang. That's right. And I opened with that

and boy, I was in. I've played the Nedden game many times. Yeah, me too. When I was 14. So it wasn't weird

about the sister's only 15 she's got some cool tits now the only netting that i know about is in my swim trunks what netting oh come on damn it that's great yes anyway what else is great manscaped god i love manscape so much. The handyman is here. Manscaped's electric face shaver, and that's going to let you get a brand new start. Wait, finally we can use it on our face? Oh, yeah, yeah. You were ahead of the curve. I've been using the ball shaver on my face nonstop.

Down below, up top, either way. I have a similar skin on my face as I do my balls. It's all the same. Your pubes are your beard hair. You're tuft? You're tuft. are your beard hair. You're tuft? You're tuft. Those are pubes. Everything's pubes. Tough guy. The handyman tackles up to three days of growth without the need for a wet shave. I like a nice dry shave.

I hate a dry shave. Hey, we're running out of water and we need some clean, fresh faces slash balls. When we run out of water, I want you to come over and lick my face before I shave. Oh, God. It would fuck up my tongue worse than this blackberry seed that oh my god you still have it in there actually holy shit yes i'm free and clear that's huge it's been in there festering for months it's gone no no yes it's the last time you had a piece of fruit was 1997 like forever the last time i had a piece of fruit was 1997. Feels like forever. The last time I had a piece of fruit.

I'm ready to be hurt again. Anyway, no need for a wet shave. And the SkinSafe technology helps reduce nicks and cuts, so you'll feel confident going for that close shave. Every night when I get home, I unzip this human suit that I wear, and I put it in SkinSafe. I didn't know where you were going with it, and I love the ride and the destination. I will say, I have enjoyed, you know, I had an old electric razor.

It was, you know, clogged with face and pubic area pubes. And I have really enjoyed having a brand new Manscaped brand technology. Device. Tool. Technological tool for my face, for my nads, et cetera. Sometimes I mix them up. You know what is nice? They have the little light on there.

You could shave in a tunnel. You could shave in the catacombs. And you're going to be okay because you have a little light that guides you. I call him Jesus. I mean, he's my personal Jesus, is my little manscape shaver. This features a five-minute quick charge for when you're short on time, but you need to get laid. When you're on your way into court.

For when she sees that tough and she says you can go ahead and take care of it real quick i've never been in a situation where i've needed to charge something in five minutes in order to shave well the time may arise well it could happen this fall it could yeah manscaped gets me as a consumer and as an advertiser. The other thing, too, that same rechargeable battery lasts for a full 60 minutes. So if you wanted to go head to toe, you could get most of it taken care of in that hour. Yeah, usually I have Sophie and Emily working in shifts.

Right, yeah, no. Like, Sophie, wake up, clock in. Emmy's wrists are brittle. That's right, yeah, you have to have somebody tap. You have to get somebody out of the bullpen. I do, yeah. Come on in. Emmy's wrists are brittle. That's right. Yeah, you have to have somebody tap. You have to get somebody out of the bullpen. I do, yeah. Come on in. The tuft is too tough.

That's right, yeah. But yeah, you don't have to worry about it anymore. I need some tuft jokes. Also, let me finish. It's compact. So it won't take up tons of space in a drawer, and it's airplane friendly, so you can take it on the go. I take it everywhere I go.

Where is it now? It's in my backpack at the hotel. Okay, yeah. But you do keep that thing the go. I take it everywhere I go. Where is it now? It's in my backpack at the hotel. Okay, but you do keep that thing on you. I do. Shut up for this part. Get 20% off and free shipping with the code Chubby at manscaped.com. That's 20% off with free shipping at manscaped.com and use code Chubby. Hit the refresh button with the handyman.

And we're back. Wow. What a great show that was. Everyone loved us, didn't they, Nathan? I had a good time. I guess you struggled. I buried you and you weren't able to claw your way out of the grave. Yeah.

As the undertaker. Uh-huh. You were Paul Bearer. You're closer. Oh, yeah. I don't know what the fuck happened down there, but. I thought it sounded okay. Tanner, you said that they didn't like you that much.

We got super fan Tanner here. I walked off stage and I came out of the green room and I ran into Tanner because he's a bathroom bandit. And I was like, they hated me. And what did you say, Tanner? I said, yeah, they did. He'll stay in his seat and wet it instead of missing a potential killer riff. I mean, I was riffing too.

The shit that was hitting was the riffs, which was fun. Like the guy with one arm had a lot of fun with him. Guy with one leg, he was not enjoying the things I was saying, but they were doing well. You know, I'm a best friend and a good feature because I didn't say shit about that dude with one arm. I saved it. I left the meat I was saying, what they were doing well. You know, I'm a best friend and a good feature because I didn't say shit about that dude with one arm.

Oh, yeah. I saved it. I left the meat on the bone, not like those wolves did for that guy. Yeah, he... Which is something I could have said, Tanner, but I didn't. I bit my tongue just like those wolves bit his arm.

So one arm guy, I called him Nub right away, and he loved it. Because when a guy's a freak, no one ever brings it up at the show. So they want be like you know they don't want to be othered they want to be included and that means you know me asking him what happened to you did a hobo did you get barbecue sauce on your hand and a bunch of hobos ate the rest of it what happened did he tell you uh yeah cancer yeah not 127 hours situation leukemia uh no what the fuck did he say car accident yeah he said that he tried to do this out the window yeah he was probably dicking around i mean the

crowd was riffing so good we had guy who kept saying austin powers due to my tuft he thought that would hit and the first time he said it i know sold it and the second time i was like oh so you brought it back it was like eight minutes later i only heard it the second time yeah i was in i was right in the back uh-huh because i wanted to look at my phone and listen to you i get it no that's fine but uh christ i really did not enjoy that show that shook the camera that burp yeah you reverberated it refoc had to refocus so has anything happened since we were up here talking that you want to bring up yes okay uh of course the fucking puppet master has to set me up so that uh what you told maddie to approach me and apologize for what she did last night no no i went up to maddie today at that first show where i was buttfucked beset and i was like hey so lun's been feeling really bad about what happened last night

he feels terrible because he feels like he shooed you out of the room with the whole poker thing so uh you know and she was like oh i thought that something was going on because we didn't say hi and i was like yeah yeah we did i said hi to her i smiled at her she's like she said hi to me so if you want to play into that that'd be really funny and she's like i got it so then she didn't talk to you for the rest of the show and then tonight i don't think you guys talked before you went on you did puppet master because you said something at the show i said something 12 hours ago you guys didn't she like walked right by you you're such a fucking bored bitch. Yes, yes. Such a dumbass. I like to make my toys crash into each other.

Cool. Yeah. I like to take fucking Barbie's arms off. I do, yeah. And then make Splinter. I'm like Sid in Toy Story. You had the Splinter doll, which is crazy. I did, yeah.

No, you know what I had? I had Krang. I had Krang. I was a Krang kid. He slept on Krang. And there was this kid named Colton Cabille. And I do the joke about wearing someone on my chest in a baby Bjorn. Because one time we duct taped this kid Colton Cabille to my belly and we did Krang.

And that was fun. That was in like third grade. Was there a name for the person robot that Krang lived in? I think so. Tanner. Tanner's on it. Super producer Tanner coming for Becker's job. We're off center.

Why don't you come over here? So then, yeah. Then she came back to you when I was begrudgingly saying hi to all the people who walked out going like this. What'd she come up and she said to you, Maddie? I just want to apologize for last night. I didn't want to make you feel. And I cut her off because I wasn't having i said you're apologizing to me no no i'm sorry and we hugged and she was like i'm just kidding sam and i was

like oh yes of course in what world would you apologize to me except if sam made you so that he could that was hers that was her take on it i know but still you told her to fuck with me i did yes that you could feel better about bombing no no no i told her to fuck with me. I did, yes. So that you could feel better about bombing. No, no, no. I told her to do this beforehand. You bombed last night, too. You had a rough weekend. No, I've been doing great. Tanner's been on every show.

And you, when I got off stage and I said that sucked, you were like, no, they loved you. It was great. So now you're being nasty on the pod so you can fucking get your Lungi Nation behind you. Also, no, I didn't say it sucked. Yeah, no, no. You said I was great. That's what I'm saying. I said it sucked and you were like no no you're crazy you're the best don't forget it kid sounded good like fine i don't know there weren't a ton of people which can always be

yeah tanner was out there he knows i had i had the right side of the room they were laughing and then literally just a void of discontent to the left of me and i wanted to be like i wanted to go one by one and be like what's your fucking deal who do i remind you of what do i look like that hurt your family what limb are you missing yeah there was a guy without a leg one leg guy and he he was uh front row blue shirt and he was like a scary guy and he said he fell three stories off a balcony the big duke no no no he was like to the left of the stage over here yeah and like right here like right here if we're on stage and he did not seem so eager to engage in the goofin yeah yeah I was like make sure

you tip or yeah I was like he only has one story and it's about how he lost that course of course yeah yes very good yeah Yeah. Yeah. Uh-huh. I said, you fell 30 feet. Well, 31. Yes. But, I mean, I don't think he liked it. But I did say during a check drop, I was like, yeah, make sure you tip. It's not going to cost you an arm and a leg. Huge.

Yeah, so the set was good. You're saying it was up and down. Well, the pops were good. It was like the guy who lost the arm. You were doing the set was good. You're saying it was up and down. Well, the pops were good. It was like the guy who lost the arm. You were doing the... Zoom, zoom. The crowd was up and down. Zoom, zoom, zoom.

That has not been a commercial for 30 years, and I think about it all the time. Zoom, zoom. Yeah, Mazda. Mazda. Tanner's Googling it. Mazda, yes. Did you figure out who the Crank Cage man was?

You forgot. Yeah. It wasn was you forgot yeah it wasn't sentient it wasn't shredder I think that when Krang was put in it was like he was like a VCR and Krang was the tape and he played whatever the tape wanted him to do oh for sure but yeah I just thought maybe some maybe Krang could control him when he wasn't in there so that he could be like, Donnie, get him. Yeah. Zorpulon, attack. Krang and Wengus. Yeah.

Wengus, the mech lord. Krang and Keith. Keith. Rain hell upon them. Keith and the Krang. So, yeah, I don't know. The show was fine. We got another great show coming up after this.

I cannot wait. Well, I was watching as they came in, and there's young people, and then there's like six old black people all wearing Michigan colors. They're all wearing blue. So I got them. You think? Oh, I can talk about Ann Arbor. I can talk about Dearborn.

I can say, hey, stay out of Dearborn, right? And they're like, yes. Not a lot of people do the local references in a different state that's why i'm the best one yeah yeah take it transcontinental yeah uh well yeah i really hope this next show is good one more i'm gonna be such a cranky bitch one more pod i hate wearing it so much i have to wake up at four in the morning tomorrow so you're not going to bed tonight i will i'll probably sleep for a couple hours no hang out with me i'll sleep for probably two to two and a half hours we'll watch we'll watch more good uh netflix comedy specials

how about no canyon dark side of the ring dude that was so great yeah we fell asleep last night watching dark side of the ring which line you. You fell asleep like a little angel with your glasses on. No, you pulled an Emily on me where I wasn't yet asleep, but I was kind of nodding. And then you sat up in the bed and you're like, oh, you're going to bed, huh? And you're mad about it? No, I didn't.

Yeah. No. Emily gets so mad when I fall asleep during a movie. I didn't care because the main thing I wanted you to see was Canyon's manager, longtime manager. What's his name? James Mitchell. He went by a few different names over the course of his career.

But he told stories of him and Canyon on the road. And Canyon. Canyon's 6'4", 250. Big dude. James Mitchell, little smusho. Yeah. Smusho adjacent. Yes.

And was the only guy that knew that Canyon was gay because he was closeted. He struggled with it because he grew up in the church. He was also bipolar. And so he would take out a lot of his repressed, closeted rage out, mental illness rage out on his little

poor manager. And as he said, beat my ass. Why are you beating my ass? You're huge. You're three times my he said, beat my ass. Why are you beating my ass? You're huge. You're three times my size. Quit beating my ass. It's just funny and sad because Canyon killed himself with pills. Yes, he did.

With his own bipolar medication. He must have felt pretty normal on the way out. He was probably pretty chill. Yeah, he was even. What have I done? I kept beating his ass. was probably pretty chill. Yeah, he was even. What have I done? I kept beating his ass. Oh, my God. I'm quiet for once.

Yeah, no, that's the dark side of the ring, man. It's not called Happy Tales from the Turnbuckle Zone. The best part of that episode was the way that James Mitchell found out that he was gay was that Canyon was moving with his cousins cousins and they were unloading a rider truck and one of his cousins dropped a big box of gay pornography and he was like that's a classic rib from james mitchell everyone oh my god that's wait james got me again and then he like went to a pay phone and called james mitchell he was like yeah you guys get the next boxes i'll be right in i'm gonna go order his pizzas and he calls up james and he's like you need to take the bullet for this

call my cousins right now. And so you put a bunch of gay porn in my truck. Say it's a classic gag all the wrestlers do. Yeah, say that you filled up a giant box full of 90 VHS tapes. Which are not easy to get because it was like 1988. Different titles all across the spectrum

of gay pornography. Yeah. And then, yeah, the classic, classic James Mitchell slam. Speaking of gay pornography. Yeah. And then, yeah, the classic, classic James Mitchell slam. Speaking of gay pornography, well, I think we'll save that for the next episode for the Patreon. What? We'll talk about Joe Esch. Oh, yes, Joey. So, hey, everyone, thank you for listening to this free episode of the Chubby Behemoth Podcast.

If you want to sponsor us, if you want more great episodes, you can get on the Patreon. Chubby Behemoth's on Patreon at patreon.com slash chubbybehemoth. So many great hours of content. So many great videos made by Patrick the Fat Bitch Richardson. So yeah, please go over there. Five bucks a month

gets you everything you want. And you can see me in Janesville, Wisconsin on Thursday. You can see me in Minneapolis. Those tickets are flying, which is nice. Key West, Tampa Bay. And then coming all the way over to Estonia. Finally, Estonia. We have so many fans over there, which is very strange. Come see me the first weekend in November,

followed by Vienna, Prague, Budapest, Bratislava. Dublin sold out both shows coming to London November 17th. Lund will be in London. London, London. And Dublin. And Dublin, yes. I think. Yeah. Is that it, though? Yeah. Okay, cool.

London and Dublin. And then Thanksgiving at Comedy Works. Jesus Christ, Denver. Please, let's get those tickets. We've got to sell out six shows at Comedy Works. Downtown, the best place in the world. And then I'll be filming a little special in Cincinnati the first week of December. So get those tickets, too. Oh, too oh hello dropping it for the first time hello watch it you liked it