Chubby Behemoth - Literally Fusstrated

Episode Date: April 3, 2021

Fry Brain. Stinky's Tit Hut. Untakable.   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth.   Extra Episodes at https://www.Patreon.com/chubbybehemoth

That part came through. How about this? Is this better? You're back. What happened? I mean, I just had to place the cord in the correct position, and now we're good. That sounds like the power cord on my decade-old laptop. You have to get it exactly right, or else it doesn't work. Sounds like having penetrative sex with my wife. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. okay okay that's better that almost

felt good oh hold on you're gone again is it even in is it in all right now don't move i'll do everything just stay right there okay yeah i just can't like wiggle around or do any of my patented act outs and we'll be fine i just gotta look like i'm frozen no kissing yeah also uh no smooching i just have to go stephen hawking style so i'm just gonna be right here the whole pod i'm not moving i'm just gonna be sitting in this chair not moving from the neck down and sexually harassing my nurses that's all i'm gonna be doing that looks like uh that thing is like 99 microphone but you're talking into a tenth of a percent of what you could i'm right on top what if i talk down here the bottom can you hear me yeah it's worse it is worse good yeah okay i'm gonna stay on the tip of the ice cream cone you got all yeah you got a bob bark like a long, thin son of a bitch.

I do. Who wants to showcase showdown with me? How about a showcase bro-down? Where it's just a bunch of fellas in a tent together, seeing who gets hard first? Yeah, that's what this is. This is a showcase bro-down. Yes.

I had a bunch of fries for lunch, and now I feel stupid and logy. Just French fries. Well, my mom ordered tr of fries for lunch and now I feel stupid and low-key. Just French fries. Well, my mom ordered truffle fries for some reason, even though she had one of them and said it was too spicy. And then I also got fries with my club sandwich and the club sandwich is carb laden. So I'm just I'm barely holding on. I can't move. And you called it you feel low-key. Yeah, Logie. What does that mean?

You know, kind of dumb and sluggish. Logie. You don't know about Logie? It's a real word. Jake, you're nodding your head. It is a real word. It is. I use it.

You've never heard it before. You have an improv background, and so you're going yes and to sam creating a word that is not real no it's very real yeah i feel very logi today becker's not just vuncular like he's not just agreeing with people he's agreeable i am but this one's this one is real As someone who eats enough to get Logie all the time. I mean, in some cultures it's known as the itis, you know?

Where you're just kind of sleepy and stupid. In one culture, it's known as the itis. Yeah, and in this culture, it's Logie. It might be indigenous to Colorado. Maybe that's why me and Becker know it. Yeah, I could see that being a weird local thing.

Yeah, I'm low down in Logie, man. Well, I'll tell you, I knew it was a losing battle as soon as we started because I was reminded I think maybe a week or two ago, I don't know if it was Oxford's Dictionary or Merriam-Webster, but they

have included the word supposedly with a B instead of a D. What? Yes. Supposedly is now an actual word as opposed to slang or derivative or whatever. It's in a dictionary. And yeah, that's how I felt, Logie, when I heard about supposedly. What are we doing like how can you just be oh you know and and it started or or another big uh losing battle was when uh the definition of literally was changed to where it can it because of uh so many people using it as metaphorically it's now either or and it's like why are we why are we doing this why are we catering to fucking spies

how deep undercover are these linguists that's what i want to know i think it's because these linguists are nerds and the people you you know, misusing words. Nerds, dorkus, malorkuses. Yeah, a bunch of queebs for sure. There is a bullying aspect. The aggressive doof is now, you know, grabbing dictionary editors by the back of the neck and saying, I got a word for you. Yeah, I got two words for you, dork. You turd burglar, open up. I got two words for you, dork. Yeah, suck it. Yeah.

You turd burglar, open up. It's time to have some chocolate soft serve. I think that language evolves and as much as I'm on your side, I mean, it does make sense that of course, supposedly would be in there. I'm sure frustrated is next.

I'm sure you're going to get wondering in there instead of wandering well yeah if i the petition pays off one that pisses me off the most is frustrate instead of frustrated people say frustrate oh i have not encountered that in the wild well you're also not talking to people no yeah because they say shit like supposedly and frustrated and library and fucking literally when they mean I'm making this shit up. I am literally frustrated with people and I'm not being supposedly. I mean this, you know, serious totes. It makes me Logie. Totes, totes, my jokes.

Yeah. Everyone totes was a thing and everyone was like yes i can just be funny by saying totes instead of having an original idea i can say totes and then ride the wave of high fives and bro yeah uh-huh yeah just all the pats on the back i'm gonna look sunburned something like that god it's eluding me because i... Eluding? All right, now who's making up words? It's been eluding me, but... Thank you. No, it's evasive.

No, I was trying to think of another thing that has been scalding my cream lately, but I can't think of it, damn it. Well, think just a little bit harder because I'm sure there's a whole litany of things you're furious about well i got sidetracked with supposedly dude i had a dream about you being furious all right it was crazy dude i we were i think we were somewhere in southern colorado it felt like we were and like you and me and becker were sitting

outside next to like a Camaro, some kind of car Becker would, you know, know about instead of, you know, knowing any loved one's birthdays, he just knows cars. Um, and, and we were sitting there and like, we all had some cold ones cracked and I think there was like a smoker going or something. And then you went inside probably to take a 45 minute dump or, you know, rub out a secret, uh, jizz bomb. Yeah, you know, classic Lund move.

And then these kids rode by in a pickup truck, and they were throwing snowballs at the Camaro. And me and Becker were like, oh, no, they're really painting this Camaro. But it wasn't ours, clearly. It must have belonged to you. And in the dream, I remember saying to Becker, God, I wish Lund was here to see this. He'd be so pissed watching these kids just fucking raise hell and you know just snowballing people

randomly from the back of their car and then i woke up just thinking man lun would have loved that he would have been so pissed if it was my car hell yeah if it was uh if it was the car of anyone i knew still pissed if it was anyone you would anyone I knew, still pissed. If it was anyone, you would have been pissed. You would have been like, God damn these kids. This is why they need to be in cages on the border. I feel a rat coming. Yeah, what's Lund's deal? You're moving again.

You've got to be careful over there. Okay, how about this? Yeah, you're good. Okay, yeah, I literally can't switch or hold change up my grip on this thing you gotta go full shivo yeah i know i can't choke up on the bat hey but also if it does cut out again do not resuscitate all right just you guys carry on like terry intended i just found out i just found out gory has a d DNR. Gordy's totally DNR. I just took him to get a groomer.

Do not roll over. Yeah, do not rub tummy. And the groomer was like, and if something happens to your dog, what do you want us to do? And I had to call Emily and she was like, oh, he's DNR. I was like, what?

She had a long, it took her years to figure out how to get that conveyed to her. Yeah. Via scratching the door or sitting in a certain spot. Yeah, Gordy just keeps, you know, every time you rub his tummy, he just says, kill me. I don't want to live. I didn't sign up for this they have that on one of those language boards that have you seen those videos where the dogs learn how to say different things i don't know yeah i have no idea how those might be just a complete uh magic trick they might those might be just a smoke screen but well yeah you can only you can only speak dog if you're a very lonely widower.

That's the only way you can understand a dog is if your husband died and now you can't love again. He's reincarnated through your dog. Yeah. Yeah, but, yeah, it's funny to imagine you've got buttons for different things that dogs would want to say, like, oh, I'm hungry. I hungry i want to go outside i love you and then do not resuscitate cremation not burial yeah spread my ashes at the good dog park i don't carry my heart at wounded knee sans everywhere oh yeah i tried that on stage last night. It bombed. That second show last night, good God.

Okay, well, I was going to wait until Sam's show corner, but let's get there early. Oh no, sorry. You just reminded me. I'm kidding. There's not a designated Sam's show corner. Well, I'm reading show notes right now, and I am seeing that they're later on. There's a show Bible, there's a show Torah, there's a show menorah yeah show quran is coming next season it's right between cars that becker saw and what did you eat this weekend what did i eat how many times have i shit today yeah uh who's who's got them redux who's got them internationally yeah man people probably have them internationally i never thought about it

they do all the people out there having them that i'll never see i'll never know who has them what about in italy did they have them well it's tough because everyone's brawless so it's just like if you don't have any support it seems like you have them sure for sure but i mean there's probably people walking around like kaz and Siberia just having them, and I'm never going to be able to make note of it. I'm never going to be able to check that box. Oh, you know who has them? Okay.

There is, you know, I... Your neighbor. I Google... I Google... Becker's mom. On the porn site, sometimes I say gianna michaels threesome and then see who she's you know banged let me guess let me guess what you're about to say it's either carmella bing or brandy taylor no oh brutal those are those are tried and true uh carmella bing and

and gianna yeah they've teamed up for some memorable performances. Yeah. No, I didn't know about this young lady until like four days ago, but it's Laura Lyon, L-I-O-N, and she's got them. She's great. Very attractive young lady. I don't know where she's been all my life. Let me try and Google this.

I'll weigh in. I'm just afraid to move. She'll weigh in at about two and a half pounds per laura lion porno star let's see what we got am i still here can you still hear me yes not the former denver comedian but uh oh yeah she's a classic you knew about her i mean i didn't know her name but yeah i remember she was on those She was on those Bang Bros trailers that I used to fucking pound off in the comments to back in 2005, my first person. Oh, yeah. She's dead-eyed for sure.

I thought maybe she was new on the scene. No, she's seen some pain. No, she... Well, you know what sucks is she's not uh she's not uh of age in this photo she's not very vocal safe search off gianna's gianna's over there you know giving feedback encouraging nagging you know spitting on people right and then laura's just kind of like doing like kind of a yeah so that was a negative but but she was balanced out from you know a great strong performance from gianna so yeah i mean gianna gianna she she can

fucking you know she she's she what's the term i'm sorry i got fry brain uh you're all logi she carries the load literally and figuratively. Yeah, she's doing a lot of heavy lifting and that's just standing up. Every day is a struggle for her. But she goes down to the office, punches a clock, sucks a couple of cocks, punches out.

Oh man, yeah, Laura Lyon, good for her. Yeah, there was a walk through memory lane that I saw recently with Giannana i can't think of her name but she was also uh similar looking to laura line brunette thin big boobs i can't remember her name though uh but anyway jessica rabbit yeah enough about my tuesday what were you gonna say about your shows last night i like. That section was called spill it or kill it with Nathan. It's like fuck, marry, kill, but there's only two options.

Lund's giving Laura Lyon a big spill it. You heard it here first, folks. Lund's pleasuring himself. Brutal. not right now not yet i just skeeved myself out there's another word you ever say skeeved one no no no i mean i've heard it i've heard it like they're skeevy yeah i've never really used that one it's a good one you should adopt it into your lexicon i go with shady i guess yeah sketchy skeeve is right there with sketchy sketchy yeah uh skeevy maybe uh maybe once when i was drunk but i don't remember uh using it with intent

becker you ever skeeved oh i've skeeved you were a pretty skeevy guy in high school for sure oh yeah he was downhill skeeving yeah he were you were doug's best friend skeever what were you gonna say about your comedy adventures we're not there yet dude we have to follow the show notes fine you gotta do uh guess what number i'm thinking of seven okay did that check very good i'm going i'm going with 99 no never 99 93 maybe all right well i was close i went over i went over those so that's a showcase no down dude i guessed a bengalese guy's birthday last night on stage that's how bad the show was going that's what you were waiting to unleash on us no but i did i just remembered that june 17th and he went oh what yeah it was crazy i guessed his birthday okay yeah it was nuts i have that capability i

have that power for some reason you you are good at guessing birthdays and whether a couple has lost a child or not yes exactly oh dude speaking of gianna michaels i ever tell you about this guy dro that me and david know me and boring i don't know i think you've talked about dro yeah well he like made gianna michaels tap out he's a porno actor he's a male porn star who used to like live with brian blank or whatever and uh one time he was like telling us some of his you know greatest hits and he was like yeah and gianna michaels me and david were both like gianna michaels i don't know you know crank it yeah guitar solo and he was like i made that bitch

tap out and we were like what and then he showed us the clip and she like you know taps his back like some secret porno language and he has to yank out because he was raw dogging her too hard whoa yeah i've seen a video where that happens but i don't know if that's the guy it was probably dro yeah i think there's just one dude yeah so it's it's true was it an african-american fellow wearing sunglasses despite being indoors and having sex? He was a black guy, but I don't remember if he has sunglasses on or not. You would remember Drow. Yeah.

Yeah, he's like the Michael Madsen of pornography. But yeah, that show last night, man. It sucked. It was so bad. Which one? Both? No no the first show was fine the second show i don't know what it was everyone kind of ate it you know but then they get off stage and they're like oh that wasn't that bad it's like what did you pass out for the last 12 minutes what do you mean it wasn't that bad i mean i guess it wasn't that. You know how I am. You're gone. Hold on.

How about now? You're back-ish. All right. Still good? Yep. All right. Is the dryer going off? Yeah, do you hear that alarm going off? Yeah.

That's the alert to let you guys know I'm about to get a little racist. No, but Lund knows. Because I historically, if I don't have the best set in the world where everyone winds up getting branded with my initials i'm just furious afterward and the second show last night was kind of one of those where i like you know it was fine and afterwards people were happy and they bought me drinks but i was just on stage like you know wishing all of them to contract some type of rare blood disease. Um, this table,

there were seven Indian fellows and one, uh, Chinese guy. And they were on a boy's trip in from San Francisco and they were fun, man. A lot of great hair. I kept, you know, I kept,

there was a black table, uh, seated across from them. And I was like, man, I bet you guys, you bet you wish you could trade hair with this guy. Huh?

And, uh, all the white people were nervous and we're just on yelp right away but uh yeah man i just oh i was so furious but we ended up hanging out with these uh these fellas and we went to a hookah bar afterward whose suggestion was that yours no yeah i was like okay indian guys what do they want to do strip club or hookah bar? Yeah, I wish there was some amalgam of both. Some perfect world scenario.

Stinky's tit hut. Smokey's boobs and bong loads. That would have been cool. Because Raj Suresh is in town. He's an Indian fella. He's my buddy. He's opening for me this weekend. And they, you know, all conspired against the white man.

And we went to a hookah bar. And when's the last time you guys have been to a hookah bar? 17. Yeah, I was going to say 18 and a half. Yeah, it was good. It was a good smoke screen for smelling like cigarettes. And you just tell your parents, like, we were at the hookah bar. What do you want from me, Mom? Yeah, shut up, you old bitch. Yeah yeah I reek what of it pops lay off me daddy-o

I'm just smooth grooving over here yeah the Nissan Pathfinder does smell like ciggies not my fault Kyle Nye was with me I brought it home with me yeah but we went to the hookah bar last night and they knew how to order and it was a lot of fun. Yeah, it's just fun to be part of different cultures. Jesus Christ. You're gone.

What about now? Now you're back. Did you hear me compliment different cultures? Yeah, and then it like robot fucked out. Well, yeah, because this thing can tell when I'm lying. This microphone's also a lie detector. The winds of truth blow on the microphone whenever I'm lying. So you were mad at the whites in the crowd.

They were the ones that were blowing it? Well, yeah, because I kept talking about, because I was flanked, the black tables to my right, the Indian tables to my left, and I just kept talking about the people in the middle, how they looked like they were gentrifying two neighborhoods at once. And also, you know, Denver Sake Lounge is, no one's begging for sake.

That's all I'm saying. It wasn't like the people of Denver were like, you know what's missing to complete this cultural tapestry overpriced sake thank you denver sake lounge for bringing that to the people that stuff that you tried once and you didn't really like it yeah exactly that stuff that tastes like warm hairspray that you only drink not to be rude i like cold it is fun it can be refreshing and then the hot stuff it's like who who dreamt this up and right it's like hot stuff coming through is what i say whenever i drink it gangas cohen it was uh one of jeff cohen's ancestors

he was a genocidal conqueror with a giant dick. Yeah, that's why it tastes... It has hints of dong in it. Dude, it tastes like jizz. They have a seltzer there that just tastes and looks like jizz. It's like creamy. It looks like you drank. It looks like we passed a cup around backstage and now I'm up there sipping off the fellas.

And you... Were you guys inside with the garage door open was it nice and uh no garage door open that seems dumb oh yeah very dumb you know what people hate being reminded of during a show during covid is that they're not wearing masks they really hate that you just kept pointing them out no i'd be like oh you guys wear masks they'd be like yeah and it's like oh yeah only when you're trapped in a very small room with strangers that's when you don't wear them good call but you guys are all wearing them on your bike rides last time i was at denver comedy lounge was with you that was fun

and it was remember that one comic was bullying noah reynolds and we were like they are not funny enough to bully you noah don't take that shit from this pig we had to tell noah yeah that uh yeah that we realized that it had gotten out of hand where because it was just a funny thing that a few people were doing that were friends with noah we'd be mean to noah he would be mean back or whatever and then all of a sudden i guess i think because people started doing it on Facebook so everybody could see, oh, this is the new bit that everybody in Denver does

if they want to look like they're in the know. And then it got out of control where it was like, oh yeah, everybody just piles on Noah. And it's hilarious. And we all get to high five. And it's like, no, you have to be friends with them first or else it's just being an asshole yeah you can't just can you hear me i'm so nervous every time i talk we'll let you know okay yeah i

don't know i've been calling him a snowman that's his new nickname that's fun if you see him on the streets be like snowman i'll try to remember that it's very hard to compliment noah and tell him that he's my favorite young denver comedian him being like, okay, what's next? It's like, no, I'm being sincere. And he's like, oh. Yeah, he thinks everything is a bit. Yeah, he just thinks the world's collapsing around him all the time. I think he's been lied to a lot.

A lot of people have taken him for a ride. They've sold him a bill of goods. And so yeah, he's not a trustworthy fellow. Yeah, he's got battered wives syndrome. That's all. He's always flinching. Yeah, he's always making excuses for people's bad behavior.

Apologizing. He knows how to suck a dick to keep a man. He's going to open for me in Pueblo in a couple weeks because Brad Galley booked me. you catching that too Sam? yeah what was that? yeah whoa. well that was what happens whenever Lund's about to brag is it sounds like he's being ripped through time and space. yeah it was cool. it was kind kind of neat i'm leaving it in but it sounded wild i wanted to make sure it wasn't my computer fucking up yeah no i don't know nothing changed

on my end but uh yeah get brad galley booked me for his uh outdoor show in Pueblo. And he was like, who do you want? That's right. I was like, let's see if we can get Noah. And he was like, I actually asked him, but I haven't heard back. And I was like, I'll bully him into saying yes. And so I texted him and was like, hey, do that show. And then five minutes later, Gally is like, Noah's in. And I was like was like yeah no shit

yeah noah shit brad i got him i don't know how he's gonna get down there i guess he'll have to go with brad yeah he should probably just start hitchhiking he's at the age where he needs to start exploring more both in the world and sexually yeah he listened to this pod he's gonna hear all this no if you're listening you need to give a stranger a hand job to get to pueblo that's the move man live a little yeah shit or get off the pot all right you want to be a comic you want to be a wild man live it up get a hot load of london your hand london will drive up and pick you up yeah you would pick him up if you knew you were gonna get get rubbed the right way for once everything's always rubbing you the wrong way you need to get rubbed the right

way luns dick has a dnr uh well yeah uh i that'll be my first show in forever. I don't know when. I think the last one I would have done would have been the naughty and nice sets for Comedy Works, which was like November. Damn. Yeah. I have not been. Nobody has asked me to.

I've done like two Zoom shows. Because I'm not trying to do those. They're kind of stressful. Cause you don't know if it's going to be fun or weird. I've had some fun on some of them. There was one that we did together. That was pretty fun, but you know,

but other than that, the one that I forgot about and I didn't do, no, the one with like, you know, that was fun. Josh blue was on. And that was a,

that was like a fun show throughout but oh yeah the last uh or i was down here at wally's once when i was supposed to do the best of san francisco which i didn't realize was like popular they had like 80 people in there so i'm at wally's and i'm sitting there watching the show and everything is fine like the stream is good and i'm watching it so i am on wally's wi-fi so i'm like all right this is uh gonna be fun and i watched the whole show because i was supposed to close it out and then it's my turn to perform and my shit started well wally shit started sucking like as soon as i tried to talk and so i couldn't do a set it was fucking very annoying because again you know it would have

been one thing if it was any other zoom show when there's like seven people and you know they all have uh you know they're in the dark you know you can like barely see them because they're just kind of peering into their laptop camera. They're all related to the host. Well, yeah. And they're like in a dark room and you can kind of tell that they're alive, but not because they're laughing or giving it up, but just because they like move now and then to scratch themselves. It wasn't that. up but just because they like move now and then to scratch themselves it wasn't that there were like fucking dozens of people in there and it would have been a great a fun time and they were like oh we'll have you back and guess who hasn't had me back the city of san francisco i'm banned

i'm blacklisted from sf damn you're like tech nine christopher john said he's gonna kick my ass if he ever sees me on the street yeah he's a gypsy brawler he's literally an american gypsy he's romani yeah sorry my bad i don't want to be anti-zygonist everybody's a zygote no that's the term for uh someone who's anti-gypsy because zion is a homeland and have zygon is no homeland it's being apostate from any like birthplace so uh so if you're an anti-zygonist you're anti-gypsy and i mean honestly if i'm pro one bunch of goofy goofballs it's i'm pro gypsy get out there scam norms they're pretty much just carnies that don't work at a carnival and i love it scam norms they're pretty much just carnies that don't work at a carnival and i love it yeah they uh yeah well yeah family first they distrust anybody that they don't know which

makes more sense than being you know a complete rube yeah and uh yeah they'll do whatever odd jobs until uh they decide it's time to pick up shop you know and move on out down the road they're just juggalos that's all they are what you just described as juggalos yeah yeah a little there's there's more piercings well no i don't know which one would have more piercings well i i mean juggalos will be they're more apt to let you come hang out with them gypsies aren't extending the olive branch to anyone right right gypsies are very insular right juggalos are always recruiting yeah like the mormons a lot of recruitment going on strange numbers and a lot of banging underage girls whoa boy hawaii we wow

oh what you don't think that's accurate no i'm you're speaking some truth yeah to not to power either they're a powerless bunch the juggalos oh when mormons are mormons are very powerful i grew up juggalo adjacent and i you know every lotus out there i'm with you all right i ride for the juggle crew i'd love to have a bunch of juggalo fans. Yeah, they're only scary until you get to know them. I mean, I pretty much have a bunch of juggalo fans, but they lack an ethos

unlike the juggalos who are united. You know? You have a lot of free agent fans. Yeah, I do. A bunch of gypsies, pretty much. Just people who aren't allowed to go home because they don't have one. American travelers. Becker's giving us a tour of his new apartment.

By the way, guys, if you're wondering why we didn't have an episode last week, we did on the Patreon. So go on over there and give us five bucks a month. So Lundken, Mice, Beard Cream, or whatever you're spending the money on. And then also, Becker moved. Becker moved to Trinidad. We talked about it on, ohice, Beardcream, or whatever he's spending the money on. And then also, Becker moved. Becker moved to Trinidad.

We talked about it on the Patreon. Yeah. Becker, catch us up. Yeah, I moved to Trinidad on Monday night at like 1130 at night. And I'm finally all unpacked. Did any of your good friends help you move? Yeah, Kayvon helped out nice uh matt orrin helped a little bit what a good guy he has back pain too yeah nathan's foot was fucked up i saw it it was fucked up nathan didn't help nathan did not help well that makes sense i mean you probably

have so many friends in trinidad that you were probably like Nathan I don't need your help actually yeah yeah I remember seeing Lund say that his foot hurt as soon as you said hey I'm about to be at my new house I'm glad you're cracking yourself up with your

conspiracies oh no i'm just putting the i'm just putting the pieces together that's all my shit hurts so bad it still is like tender which uh i'm hoping tomorrow it'll be back to normal but it has sucked somehow you gave yourself iodine poisoning or whatever too much fish exactly uh yeah i i wanted to make sure that he that i i had to say something right away so that he didn't ask for help didn't ask and then i have to tell him well i thought it would it would be worse if i don't say anything and then he asks and I'm like, oh, dude, my ankle. So I let him know. It was a preemptive strike.

I get it. So annoying. I'm going to preemptively strike you the next time I see you. Yeah, right. You're going to give me a hug. You're going to be so excited. No, I'm going to take you down.

Yeah, right, dude. I'm untakable. There's no takeout. I'm like Rodizio grill dude how about that becker loved it becker's tried to get a doggy bag from rodizio for sure he's lined the lined his pants pockets and his jinkos oh he's lined his pants with shit whenever he leaves her these old jakey diarrhea old brown water becker yeah he's got uh you said he has a little apartment he's got a

house with two entrances oh my god a duplex turned uniplex yes i had a boy becker yeah it's great i love it and you purchased it cash outright yeah that's that's how i'm living yep 75k cash oh sorry how those those fries are coming back on me. Fucking fries. Oh, man. Too spicy, your mom said. Well, I think she only says five words. They were too Julie. Yeah, exactly.

To all the listeners out there, can you hear me? Yeah. All right. Do you know, my mom kind of sounds like Kenny from South Park, I realized today. Yeah, pretty much. And then like every seventh word you understand. Yeah, some of them come through the muffle. Yeah, like every seventh word you hear just say like fat tits or like, you know, just like Kenny, like hard rod.

Dude, my mom had two mojitos at lunch and then we get to the car and as soon as she sits down she reaches in the side pocket and pulls out a little flask of vodka and takes a bareback nip just no chaser nips it down and i was like what the fuck is going on here a little nip then a sip yeah then a gulp right my dad, Mitch Jones, he was like, it's a living. We were hoping to... We got to bully Mitch into coming down here for the chief. I think we could do it. He's not into it. Let's send him an envelope full of our blood and just be like,

this could be your blood if you don't come down here. You're next. I don't know why it'd be intimidating to send him our blood but i think it would be all the pathogens i think we could yeah either come down here and get some other bodily fluid sprayed on you or the blood's coming once a month mitch is so big they should use him to make like snake anti-venom that's how big oh wait what do you know how they make snake anti-venom no they have a horse and they have a bunch of snakes bite it and the horse is so big that its blood will do battle with the snake venom and then after like five weeks once it survives they take out like a couple

gallons of horse blood and they synthesize anti-venom out of the you know whatever anti snake venom properties happened inside the horse but that's what i'm saying mitch is so big that he could be the horse they just have a bunch of vipers bite mitch and then you know a month later just take you know take a third of his blood. He doesn't need it all. He's hoarding blood from all those without it. And then you could fucking save the outback or whatever with all that Mitch blood. I feel like that would have to be better than starting with horse blood and then getting to

something that helps humans. I mean, you're skipping a few steps, right? Dude, they've been doing that. That's how they've done antivenom forever. Yeah. But I'm saying it sounds like a pretty involved process. There's probably a centrifuge. There's some, you have to boil the blood and then bring it back down to right room temperature yeah that's right yeah yeah mitch blood seems like it may go down easier we'll see yeah get rid of the centrifuge and just bring in a centra huge mitch jones for anti-venom president 2022 whoa that was off mic uh no it wasn't my ears it was off mic i went like this you burped like a toilet flushing that was nuts that sounded like they were sending a gypsy baby

to heaven uh oh we had a little drama down here not too long ago that I forgot to talk about. Drama. Oh, before that, though, I constantly forget about this. When we were pretty new down here, like two, three weeks down here, I saved George Michael's fucking life, and I didn't brag about it. I kept forgetting, but I totally did. Saved his ass. He was choking, but because he was and still is a dog, he wasn't doing or saying anything. He wasn't trying to form the words.

We don't have the communication board that says DNR. Yeah. I might have gone against his wishes in that regard because I resuscitated. George Michael's a Calvinvinist so he knows where he's going he fucking for whatever reason he just had this uh this look to him where i sensed something was up something was wrong and so megan grabs him and sure enough he had like a treat or something like a bone stuck in his throat and all i mean eight years together so

i guess it's not that crazy but i look he he walked into the living room and i looked at him and i was i said to megan something's wrong with george michael he was dying he was he couldn't breathe oh no megan got that shit out of there i was like oh damn i saved his ass but it was pretty fun what'd she do just like smush him did did she smush it out of him? gave him a little doggy Heimlich? no she reached into his mouth and she was able to pull out the little bit. it was like it was a raw hide. I just keep thinking of you you know those old-timey like uh billows they had to get fires going back in like just playing george michael like a billows just his back two legs and squishing him yeah that would probably do the trick i don't know why that's cracking me up so much i'm glad yeah it's just funny thing about smushing

a dog to save its life yeah gordy's old and mental i'm always like almost sitting on his head or you know fucking running him over with my mongoose bicycle oh but yeah this uh this dude moved in next door to us because you know we've got we've got our apartment and then next to us there's like three sleeper rooms that share a kitchen and a bathroom yeah and you know it takes a certain kind of person to be able to live like that uh you know maybe like a european traveler could do that a gypsy would be fine over there but uh there's a couple people that have been over there for a while and then somebody that uh moved in when we when megan and i moved in and then there was this empty room until this uh well he looked he looked like he had lived a couple of lives you know he

was a rough looking dude this guy mike he's a joker and a smoker and a midnight toker yeah yeah he looked like he'd been played like a like a smoke billow a couple times by god and satan and uh when when megan and i saw him it was like oh god what is this guy's deal you know like is has he had a rough past and now he's trying you know this is act two this is you know he's out of prison now and he's learned some lessons and now he's gonna try to or is he in the middle of it? Is he, you know, is this still, uh, you know, the, the, the second half of act one where he is, uh, just, you know, going hard. And, uh, I think it was that cause he lived here for like six days and, uh, all of a sudden, you know, I started hearing him just screaming at someone.

And it was this guy, Jason, who was very chill, like one of the best guys I've ever met. You have a Jason down there, too? Yes. Whoa. Common name. Awesome. You got a neighbor named Jason? Didn't, wasn't that, oh, that was Jeremy, rock and roll Jeremy.

Yeah, Jeremy. Okay. Yeah, was our neighbor in denver and also that guy who loved the song wet ass pussy but he always had diarrhea from too much gas station coffee let's not forget that guy it was uh me jeremy okay remember jeremy i did not remember him we gotta have the greatest hits of all of our characters on here sometime yeah we could we could probably me jeremy baby anyway so you got jason down there yeah he's a good guy i like talking to him and uh all of a sudden yeah like a week ago he i could kind of hear him because he was still like pretty chill and And then I, but I could hear the other guy, Michael just pissed. What do you mean?

What the fuck are you talking about? And, uh, you know, I can only hear every other word or whatever, but eventually I got the story that dude was, uh, probably smoking in his room like a bad boy.

And that's, that's a no, no in a shared cause they don't even have like, uh, uh, I don't think those, I don't think the walls go up to the ceiling i think it's all kind of like you know thrown together over there yeah well and even if it's not like they all you know the the units over there share uh walls and then they're you know they're coming and going through the same hallway and shit so i think sounds like this dude was probably smoking in

his room and if he wasn't he was trying to say that he was smoking in his truck with his windows up and it was like yeah that's almost as bad as smoking in your room you're bringing it in like fucking pig pen you know that cloud of menthol is just gonna come with you right into the right into the house i don't know i don't want to speak for Becker, but I think that he loves that idea. Smoking in the boys' room? No, smoking in the truck with the windows up. Yeah, that's called a winter delight. So that you don't...

Becker, getting involved. Becker coming off the bench for two. Well, if he would have cracked the windows on that nissan he probably wouldn't be uh out on the street right now trappler style why does he sleep in his truck that's what he might be in that nissan 24 7 now is what i'm saying hell yeah you can smoke all you want in there that's right and you know you only have to share a bathroom with your other hand my grandma my grandma used to blast cigs in the car with the windows up oh yeah that was before people knew any better oh they knew this was 2017 oh okay

yeah it was my 30th birthday she's blasting kent this was someone holding on to a past that they enjoyed i was young remember kent's yeah damn yeah those are rough i think the worst david just went to the bathroom and came out while rubbing his hand in front of his face do not go in there do not resuscitate. The toilet has a DNR around its neck. Yeah, the toilet. Toilet's tapping out like Gianna with drove. We hired a

maid to come clean our house yesterday. While you were gone? Yeah. Or did you watch? Yeah, she was wearing a French outfit. It was great. I was sitting there fingering my belly button just adding lint onto the rug

oh no there's some more belly button lint over here oh Ava that'll do she kept calling me sir because she didn't know my name which sucked and at the end of it she was like by the way what is your name? and I was like Sam it she was like by the way what is your name and I was like Sam and she was like oh good I was very uncomfortable calling you sir but I did not know

your name and I was like yeah I hated it too but I loved it. I loved it I was there at the end of it I was out lifting weights and she'd come out and be like sir i found a single earring what do i do with it it's like keep it it's all you can eat ava put in your fanny pack yeah but she was cool she did a great job uh i thought it would be weird but it you know i fucking hate cleaning so i'll pay 100 bucks to you know empower some woman that's what it is is empowering yeah oh boy you and fucking mitt romney creating jobs empowering women yeah it's all i do man back on the mormon thing i just lift up marginalized voices uh sir your dog his wiener is hard what do i do did she really ask you what she should do with an

earring she found because i think is the answer put it on a surface that isn't you know the ground yeah i don't know i think she was just being considerate i don't think she wanted to be accused of pickpocketry although my wife you know she hid everything that was worth to her which i thought was insane she was like put the laptops in the trunk of your car we don't know this woman i don't know someone from next door emily posted on next door so it was a stranger you know there was no uh background check but she did a great job uh oh dude tomorrow is easter so you know happy birthday to all the chosen ones and uh we're drinking homemade wine tomorrow what yeah luke lockfeld and bori made homemade wine out of just straight up jugs of dollar juice it's called papa they just made fucking jail juice it's pruno and they've been aging it for

40 days and tomorrow we're cracking it open is that enough time allegedly that's what this old man said on youtube yeah well it does make sense to make your own wine there's a real shortage uh out there so i'm sure it'd be tough to pick some up they're just trying to be artisanal it's fun it's a hobby yeah you're just jealous you never thought of it i'll bet it's gross i'll bet they forgot to add sugar oh it's gonna be gross as hell they wanted it to be gross they wanted to be healthy so like no sugar just three oranges and a cherry and then a bunch of gasoline yeah exactly dude it's allegedly fucking it's like schnapps it's like AB, it's like 40 proof or whatever it is. Hmm.

Yeah. It's going to be gnarly. We're going to be fucking faded. My mom's going to be wearing my dad as a hat. It'll be great. We're all going to take turns in her chair doing wheelies. Your mom's going to dump them out. Oh, bummer.

That would really ruin the party. If Mama T's flapjacks hit the table. They have risen, both of them. Oh, God, I would hate that. Well. You ever see your mom nude? No. Yeah, me either.

How dare you? Becker? My mom doesn't have them. Yeah, I know. Your mom does not have them. We all know that. Would it be better if she did? I mean, for her, I guess. I don't know. For me, it doesn't matter. Makes no never mind to me. She was my mom either way but uh i'll tell you you know my friends weren't beating down the door to get in and have a sleepover so maybe i would have been more popular yeah they were they weren't coming over with jump ropes asking your mom to set the record yeah hey mrs l i was hoping to get a haircut if you don't mind hey mrs lund have you ever tried to touch your elbows behind your back I was hoping to get a haircut, if you don't mind. Yeah. Hey, Mrs. Lund, have you ever tried to touch your elbows behind your back?

Right, yeah. There was none of that going on at our place. Get a haircut. It's so funny. Just come over to your busty friend's mom's house, and you're like, oh i have to i need a haircut right now just burst in the door i have a hair emergency yeah hey cameron rau can i come over and get a haircut from your mom oh that rules were you saying something oh yeah I don't think so. No, it was about your mom getting blasted on this homemade wine. Oh, yeah, it's going to be nuts.

I was like, where did we get off track? This was not on the schedule. Yeah, where do we go from here? This is not on the outline. Yeah, turn all the lights down now. Yeah, so Betsy's dumping them out. That would make me smile from here to here. Oh, no, it wouldn't.

You'd probably be like, we need to schedule a meeting with the neurologist. Things have taken a turn. Go ahead. I was going to ask Becker if he has an authentic... Busty pop? No, an authentic Bigfoot plaster cast of his appendage. Yeah, it was given to me by Bobo the Bigfoot Hunter.

Oh, Humboldt County legend. Yeah, he's the man. Yeah. Yeah, he gave me that at Bridgetown a couple years ago when we were partying there we go now we can see it look at that thing good god that's fucking huge it's as big as like four all four ninja turtle figures you have in front of it yeah it's like mitch jones stepped in some wet cement also i have like bart simpson and al figures i have a john goodman nice i wish it were a john goodman figure it's a yeah it's a fred flintstone figure from the movie but i wish it was just john goodman or like a dan dan uh a dan arnold i mean they went pretty goodman on the face dan connor that is that is pretty good man oh man you know who has an actual like bigfoot blaster cast is brett hiker's dad

nice well because he's the game warden for uh rocky mountain national park so he's like a preeminent bigfoot expert and he's been interviewed on the history channel multiple times that makes that makes it sound like you're casting doubt on what becker has but you're saying firsthand yeah like a hiker hiker got it right yeah it's a one of one it's not like that bullshit you know fucking dime store knockoff becker has yeah becker's praying to that thing no yeah but hiker's dad like won't talk about bigfoot unless he's being paid like 10 grand what yeah because i used to do those mountain runs with becker you're not becker but it was like you know it was a real who's that of comedy it was like me jordan doll hiker rick d simone you know

2010 jordan doll yeah exactly roger norquist and i would be up there with hiker's dad staying at their house you you know. And I'd be like, so, what can you tell me about Bigfoot? He'd be like, we're having venison for dinner. And I'd just like, leave the room. Go out in the garage and start revving his car. Hiker used to,

we would do those mountain runs and we'd have to do radio really early. And I would just wake up with Hiker sitting on the edge of the bed drinking a Pabst. And he'd be like, you guys ready to go? Did you sleep? No, I was waiting. Yeah, he doesn't sleep. He waits like Chuck Norris. Yeah, he just lives a Chuck Norris life.

Megan and I in Taos I showed her. She had seen the Walker Texas Ranger lever from Conan, but I remembered them. And so we watched a few of those. That was some, some good comedy, man.

Fun stuff. Yeah. And that, I'm glad we got to that Lund's classic comedy corner. Yeah. If you're, if you're sick of current comedy trends, yeah, go ahead and fire up a YouTube, look up Conan, Yeah, if you're sick of current comedy trends,

go ahead and fire up YouTube. Look up Conan Walker, Texas Ranger Lever. Yeah. Our listeners probably won't like it because Louis C.K. wrote it. Oh, shit. Well, he didn't write Walker, Texas Ranger. No, he did. He ghost wrote every episode, actually.

He's a workaholic. Can't get enough work. He's working it. So, Becker, we got about five minutes left. Why don't you give us your initial impression of Trinidad? It's great. Food's not open late enough. That's my only gripe. You can get Dominoes or pizza hut until what 11 30 yeah so yeah not late enough either i know that was the joke oh okay i was in on it i followed you so that was

lunn's fallen flat corner as flat as Mrs. L. Yeah, the first time I saw your mom, I was like, damn, I thought she might be stacked. Yeah, you wish. I do wish. That would rock. Maybe next time. Your next mom? Yeah.

Well, I guess, yeah, I'm not going to get a new mom. I might get a new dad. I mean, Kim's a new mom. I bet that milk did her body good. You know, I didn't... Jesus. I like the idea that you think that she was the one drinking it. Yes, and that's Sam T's comeback corner.

Awesome. Well, yeah, I'm glad you guys are down there together. You'll be down here at the end of the month. I will for the chief comedy festival come on out and see me lund and becker making his triumphant stage debut for the first time in what fucking 12 years yes probably three or four are you gonna puke are you gonna get on stage and just puke no i'll be i'll be fine dude becker for that live podcast you have to dust off some of your old hits what do you mean we gotta hear like three minutes of your stand-up that you used to do oh if i could find notebooks i could probably do it come on becker you gotta yeah we could

we could spend here somewhere we could you could pick like three or four and have them ready and we could go to you throw it to you a few times yeah and then you can do like so this howard dean character he's got a real all right i'll i'll try to find my old notebook lun fun fact do you know who hosted the first sexpot comedy show ever jake becker jacob becker jake brown i was on it jake brown mc jake brown yeah jake incorporated hey prayers prayers up for brown i hope that tinnitus goes away is that has that been does he have a gofundme set up for his tinnitus? I don't know. I bet he's doing a tinnitus festival, though. In Hawaii? Funny to make fun of Brown for

being on the cutting edge of everything and cashing in. It rules. We're not jealous, Beck. We're not jealous, Brown. Take me to Hawaii. I could do Tinnitus Fest. I've had it since

2002, probably. Really? Yeah. I can't go to bed without having the TV on because otherwise it's just eee. That's all I hear. It sucks.

It doesn't get better unless they readjust how your jaw fits by breaking it with a hammer. Oh, yeah. And I went that route, the home remedy. Yeah, but he swallowed the hammer. It was a ref. I stepped on my own head. Oof.

Yeah, tinnitus is annoying. I bet, man. I don't like it you don't have it no dude it's because you went to so many mud vein concerts unironically if you see a butt rock band ironically you don't get hearing loss but if you go there wearing the t-shirt hoping to get it signed then you get tinnitus that's the issue I had several friends that were musicians or went to a lot of shows work shows and they were like yeah you gotta earplugs just get a decent pair and then you'll be good to go and i just never did yeah a decent pair unlike your mom went and saw deftones and whoever the fuck else i don't know if i never saw mud vein i saw deftones tones uh and yeah never fucking and then once it gets bad you can't hear that good so then you just start listening to everything louder and you just keep you know ruining your shit over over and over

yeah it's just compounding interest it's uh dumb but you know what was the alternative? Be responsible? Take care of myself? Yeah, have foresight? Think ahead? No way. Doesn't sound like me when I was 20 to 33. No thanks. I was too busy backyard wrestling and fucking cranking corn with my windows rolled up.

Cranking corn and watching porn. Oh, yeah. Cranking my own shank well speaking of shank everyone if you're eating lamb shank tomorrow for easter i hope you enjoy it i hope you're excited by people who love you and your friends and family maybe one enemy that you don't really tell is an enemy and it's just like this secret cold war you both have brewing under the surface but uh either way happy easter he is risen um speaking of who's risen, Sam T's back on the road next weekend. I'll be in Milwaukee at the Laughing Tap.

I'll be in Green Bay, Wisconsin. Actually, Luxembourg, Wisconsin. London, I'm doing one of those prime rib shows. What? For those. No. Oh, that dinner? Yeah, it's like if you want a comedy show, it's $3.

But if you want all you can eat prime rib and mashed potato hats, it's $120. And you get a comedy show, it's $3. But if you want all you can eat prime rib and mashed potato hats, it's $120 and you get a comedy show on the side. So hell yeah. You're just going to have a bunch of people choking on that prime rib. Yeah. I'm going to have to give them the old George Michael treatment. That's right. Save a life.

Yeah. Right. Right. A cowboy. All right. We still got it. You cut out, but I saw your mouth moving yeah dude uh so yeah uh laughing tap in milwaukee uh the renwick mansion in davenport iowa black circle brewing

or black shirt brewing in indianapolis check out the tour dates i'm back on the road luns and pueblo april 17th with the one and only noah the snowman reynolds and uh hey come and see us at the chief comedy festival and watch becker get back on the horse he better not yeah i got excited when you said that even oh heroin all right we're all doing heroin at the chief comedy festival come on down bring your rigs we're all doing heroin at the chief comedy festival come on down bring your rigs we're tying off and tying up and it's going to be a laugh riot don't forget to check out our patreon oh very good

thank you becker yeah try get on our patreon chubby behemoth dot com slash gypsies stink at angel fire that's when you don't that's when you don't riff is when you're keeping out a website patreon.com slash chubby behemoth for all of your listening needs we've never missed a patreon episode so rock it and roll it lose control it crank it