Chubby Behemoth - Miracle Mile

Episode Date: September 30, 2020

Trapper-Keeper. Teener of Baked Lays. Not so Minnie Driver.   This weeks sponsor Hold The Phone! https://holdthephone.tv/   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth.

I can't just do vocal warm-ups? I thought you wanted it for the Patreon. No, no, no, no. Ooh? Ooh? So I think we're in. We're in? Yeah, we snuck in the back door.

We've entered the podcast dome. We've defenstrated ourselves and fallen out the window of reality, and here we are in the mind space. It's fun to imagine us both just floating in time all right we're gonna hit record and then we're just still floating yeah but we're just trying not to sound terrified like when homer was floating through time and there's all just the numbers and equations passing by him yeah that's us like a dog a dog wearing a suit yeah george burns wearing a dog.

George Burns. Yeah. Not, you're thinking, did George Burns have a huge hog? No, you're thinking of Milton Berle. No, you're thinking of Mort Sahl. George Burns had two normal sized dicks. Yeah. So, impressive, but not one collective.

That's how it was back then in wartime. Sometimes your parents had to divide up your dick to make it last longer. Yeah, in case you had to eat one, you still had to have the other part to pee out of. Yeah, the dick rations. It was a big deal. That's right, yeah. The French invented it to get them through the Mongol invasion of 1890. As they do 1890, of course. When Genghis Khan ruled the the earth everybody was speaking some type of

mandarin native language i was uh speaking grapefruit sure different citrus you got to get some citrus in or else you're gonna cramp up apparently when i was a little kid i used to eat so many mandarin orange slices that i would get violent diarrhea on swing sets apparently yeah historians have said yeah they've under some tablets you don't remember no this was like very young my grandpa it was a fun bit that he did he used to like to feed us mandarin orange slices like out of the can because that was like a sweet treat for him who was a hobo during the depression oh yeah and he canned fruit yeah yeah he used to save the fruit cocktail liquid and sip it. Oh, sure.

Yeah, that was like the best. Make that last. Yeah. Put that into an empty Capri Sun bag. Yeah, exactly. My grandpa made his own soda. That was insane. I think I talked about that already.

Oh, yeah, with the milk in it. Yeah. Cocaine, milk, a little lobdom. He put some ginger in there. But yeah, my grandpa would feed us a bunch of grapes and mandarin orange slices. And then he had a giant swing set he erected in the backyard, which was a monument to his boredom. He would just go, like, have projects. He built literally, like, a 30-foot swing set in the backyard.

Damn. That's all you wanted as a kid was a big old swing set. My grandpa had a giant swing set in the backyard, then also a bunch of old tin cans set up, and a couple BB guns. Oh, damn. And my grandpa had some weird Annie Oakley shit that he learned when he was a trapper in Missouri back during the Depression, where he could shoot over his shoulder

from, like, 50 paces, and hit all three cans. And then he figured out also how he could ricochet off one can into the next can, with, like, one bullet, you'd hear two pings. In the Depression, yeah, you had to save bullets. That's how families killed themselves. They't they only have two bullets six kids and you don't want to look so you turn your back

knocking the cans together and then you got a couple bullets left over for your neighbors those commies exactly for when the company man comes to shut down your farm. But yeah, he'd put us on the swing set and then push us and then there would just be like my cousin Alita, me, Sarah,

my sister, we all, there's all these great stories told about it's just this cascade of diarrhea from the swing set and my grandpa would just

be laughing like the devil himself. Dude, giving you underdogs and just getting dumped on? Yeah. The underdog was the best on a big swing set. I felt like you were never going to come down.

No, man. I also got scared up there because the cords were so long that it would wobble at the top. It wasn't just like one fluid motion. Oh, sure. The wobble kicks in and you're like 70 feet above the earth looking down at God and his creation. Uh-huh. It was just like rainbows of shit coming from us. Just painting the sky.

Yeah, it was original skywriting. My dad's 40th birthday, he gave us all a bunch of fruit cocktail. It was great. Yeah, and colored in different food dyes. Yeah, exactly. So that you could really make it pop. I remember when the Pope died. He fed us a bunch of smoke bombs.

You light them, swallow them. Yep. Good news. That makes me think of how some kids were able to do the thing where you were on the swing and you went up. And then you just did the back flip off and landed on your feet and i wanted to do it so bad but i only tried like twice and both times i almost shattered your ankles i just about killed myself both times because i would just not rotate at all and land like on the back of my head and uh yeah i don't know why i tried the second time i was like oh maybe i'll

learn and i'll be better nope just still uh almost you know ended my own shit you thought you cracked the code on physics on the second one i'm seven i've got some schematics drawn up yeah dude i haven't been kids who could do any kind of swing trick and kids who could do monkey bars yeah i've never once monkey barred oh okay because by the time that i had enough upper body strength to monkey bar i could just stand and walk right and grab the bars you were four and you're like this is not for me i looked like i was taking my own kids to the monkey i looked like it was dad's weekend i was 12 my sister's hanging she would just dangle you know yeah? Yeah. The dangle kids.

Yeah, it's better than nothing. It's a step forward, you know? It's a win in the fight against gravity as a fat little child. Some of the nice parks that were around the bad parks that were near my house had the handle that you gripped and it was on a track and you could slide. That was way better than a monkey bar because you just needed to be strong enough for that quick second of swinging over to the other platform and you were okay. Monkey bars were like three in.

You're like, oh, God, I'm not going to make it. It's like Navy SEAL training. Yeah, I'm going to have to drop for sure. I'm going to look like an idiot. It's like you're getting ready for an insurrection. My pants are going to split. Yeah, why do six-year-olds need a bunch of upper body strength to traverse a swamp? Well, just in case.

You know, the ground is lava. Yeah, right. In Vietnam, it is. So you'll be ready. You've got to get over these punji sticks when we go to Rhodesia. How about that? Yeah. I don't like it.

Step on some shit. I'll be brave enough. And it goes in your body. And then your foot is like, hey, alright, I'm going to start dying. You better cut something off before it's too late. That's why we dropped 70 million bombs on Cambodia

for 35 years. Because one guy got foot sickness from shit stick. Yeah, I don't know, dude. I like that one you're describing where you grab it and then you glide across across yeah but the worst is is when you're like you bang it if you go real fast you hit hard i never banged the other side i never hit the other side i came to a small a stop halfway through yeah not halfway through i would jump off and be like oh i'm doing it and then it would jerk to a fucking stop because i was there's so much downward pressure being exerted and then it would jerk to a fucking stop because there was so much downward pressure being exerted.

And then I would, you know, fall backward. And Dan Shaw would come over and teabag my lifeless body as I'm crying. It smelled like just burnt tire, you know. The city had to come. They sent an engineer to design one for me. Also, we had one of those old school playgrounds at Casey Jones Park that had the rocks. Because now the kids, it was all pebbles, you know? Oh, yeah, yeah.

It was a bunch of pebbles and you would go down the slide and it was supposed to be sand and then they were like, you know, we'll save a bunch of money if we just get a bunch of chopped up granite. Yeah, they just sent my grandpa to the quarry with some dynamite. Yeah. It was a good gig for him. You get to keep whatever you can lug out in a wheelbarrow. Yeah, all you can eat.

My grandpa's like David Blaine swallowing water and sand. Only it was... It was with gravel. Chewing it up like the rock biter in Never Ending Story. If there was ever a man Who was a rock biter It was Ova David Talent He was putting them

In his mouth Yeah Chewing on them So you get a piece That gets eroded off It's maybe Half of it is your tooth But it still fills

Your belly a little bit My grandpa apparently Held up a telephone pole Once with his bare hands Whoa Cause like he was He was a lineman for the county. Give me all your money.

Yeah. Put the electricity in a bag. He's too dumb. Yeah, give me a winner's worth of warmth right now. Small, small amps. Untraceable voltages only, please. He worked for Ma Bell, Mountain bell yeah the former u.s west conglomerate and like uh his buddy was like up in a bucket trying to like connect to telephone wires

and someone backed up a truck and hit the pole so the wires were about to fall and barbecue everyone alive and my grandpa just stood there like the hulk holding up a telephone pole he had a lot of insane stories and he'd be like well if you drank i wouldn't believe you but you're stone cold sober yeah he remembers yeah all the the facts i guess he smoked like six packs of camels a day and then one day he just woke up and was like i don't want to smoke anymore and quit that's a cool story too he was a trapper he would his dad his dad was a huckster. Sounds more like a keeper. Yeah, man, he's a trapper keeper. I wrote my name all over him.

I just wrote Slayer on the back of my grandpa in whiteout. Draw him the dead Kennedy's Lotto on his forehead. His shoulders are just like a box that looks like it's in space or whatever. Those are fun to do. You draw the line that is the horizontal plane. Then you draw a box. Then you use a ruler to connect it.

Make it look like a cube that's just extending into the background forever. That's pretty fun. Was that fun? Yeah. Or was that a wave? Fun enough.

That's all we had. We didn't have Snapchat back then, kids. During the war. Operation Desert Storm had we didn't have snapchat back then kids during the war operation desert storm we didn't have a lot i'm not saying it was depression times but this was pre-internet we're talking about fun with graph paper all right you sit down post mtv pre mv mtv2 that was a crazy time mtv1 just had like uh video killed the radio star and salt and pepper then for some reason mtv2 was just all blind melon and tonic yeah it was different yeah it was like what the lesser or i guess it was like uh for younger it was like alternative rock instead of classic rock i don't know and then VH1 was in there with Natalie Merchant.

VH1 was for your mom and your dad, for sure. But we only got VH1, so I'd have to jerk off to Natalie Imbruglio. I remember Lisa Loeb came out and I was like, I need the house. I was getting called in a bomb threat to my own home. She's got glasses. It was crazy. And she's got glasses oh yeah it was crazy oh yeah she's just and she's still adorable she holds up she's great yeah maybe she'll come on the pod we could get lisa lobe i don't think things are going well for her call in right now they're going great oh yeah sure i'll bet she gets a decent amount of cameo money people want to hear from her her and get a happy birthday wish from such a great songwriter.

I think we should start our Lisa Loeb podcast, Frontal Loeb. It's just a bunch of deep fake nudes of her. We disseminate online. Full frontal lobe. There's an audience for a lot of weird shit. I feel like that is a decent shot at some dough. Yeah. This podcast is all about business solutions.

We're all about forward-facing synergies for progressive creativity. That's right. I love business speak. You just start throwing out stuff, and then all of a sudden you have a bunch of money in your wallet. Yeah, you're like, what? Where did all these yen come from? Speaking fee? Well, all right.

All right. I guess I have talked a time or two. Well, I guess I will ride in this plane with Bill Clinton. I talked for free long enough that I'm going to turn those syllables into cash. Syllables into syllables.

Favorite video on VH1? Growing up? Yeah. Not even for masturbatory purposes. Not for the sin of Onan. For masturbatory purposes, Jeremy by Pearl Jam. Jesus. I was a Smash Mouth All-Star guy. Talk about a speaking fee.

That video was fucked up, dude. Yeah, for sure. Well, I'm glad I didn't say Runaway Train by Soul Asylum. That one would make more sense. That'd be hack. No, we already talked about it on a previous episode, so I wanted to switch it up. That one was spooky, man. That was like the people under the stairs.

Yeah, that was scary as hell. But for some reason, that video of Soul Asylum, Runaway Train, and people under the stairs occupy the exact same space in my mind. So I'll think of scenes from People Under the Stairs, but it has Runaway Train, and people under the stairs occupy the exact same space in my mind. So I'll think of scenes from People Under the Stairs, but it has Runaway Train as the soundtrack. I don't know why. I was so afraid of Chucky, too.

Oh, yeah. Well, when we were younger, Chucky was eye to eye, and then as you get older... He was like eye to thigh with me. I would have just kicked him. Him and the leprechaun, just kick him right down low and kick him up into a tree or over a fence into a gully or something. Put him in a hamper. That's right.

Yeah, just kick him into a washing machine and turn it on. Yeah, lock it. Yeah, put it on for a bit and bleach your cares away. I used to have to shut my eyes whenever I changed over USA Network. When I went from 12 to 14, not the age, but on the television we had, 13 was the USA Network and I'd always shut my eyes in case they were showing Child's Play 3.

That's very scared. I was so afraid. And I don't think I've ever seen one of those movies, ever. I saw Bride of Chucky, but that was for masturbatory purposes. Jennifer Tilly? Oh, yeah. Jennifer Willey. Yeah, Free Willey. Tilly? Oh, yeah. Jennifer. Jennifer Willie. Yeah. Free Willie.

Tilly, free your Willies. There was doll sex in that movie, too. Doll sex? Yeah. Nice. Doll parts. I probably could have gotten going to the doll parts video.

Oh, for sure. Yeah. I'd for sure have gotten going to the Doll Parts video. Oh, for sure. Yeah. I'd for sure have blasted to Aqua. Barbie Girl? Yeah. Easy money. At least over under seven on that one.

I'm taking the over. I was never very good at jerking it to regular stuff. Because I think early i you know got into uh the scrambled porn that i kind of needed that like and i because i need or because i did that i needed the audio of sex more than the visual yeah you're a sound you're a sound enthusiast i'm not so much multi-sensory like some of these quick gifted children i i got used to having to hear moans and groans and like pumps and dumps or whatever see i need the smell that's tough yeah i'm an olfactory you gotta you gotta open up a can of dog food right before i jerk it i'm down by this the i-7070, ready to rumble.

I remember discovering the movie Valley Girl at the same time that I found Do the Right Thing. My dad had a bunch of stashed VHS tapes. They weren't even masturbatory. He stashed them? Yeah, he hid them. If he jerked it to them, he stashed them? Yeah, exactly. He put them in the vault. They could have hidden them plain sight?

You've heard of the Disney vault. This was the Dave T. vault. And it was E2 Mama Tambien and oh, The Unbearable Lightness of Being. Huh. You guys know about that?

No. Hey listeners, pause this. You need to go look up The Unbearable Lightness of Being. It was a French film. It was all about

people getting poked. Oh, okay. It was nuts. I couldn't understand a word they were saying. That's why I like stroke victim sex so much. Before I was

like, before I turned pro when it comes to jerking it, when I was just kind of you know, wondering why some, well just wondering why some things seemed cooler than others. Yeah, you were at the combine. Yeah, just stepping on all the cones. Like, oh, what am I doing?

Before draft day. My pants were on my ankles. This doesn't seem fair. No, I just remember very early on a scene in Big where Elizabeth Perkins is topless. She has a bra on. That's enough. But that was enough when, yeah,

I was like nine and I'm like, oh, this is cool. I don't know why, but it rules. Remember Blue Lag enough. But that was enough when, yeah, I was like nine and I'm like, oh, this is cool. I don't know why, but it rules. They were Blue Lagoon? So that was up there. I guess. I know that they were like naked or... They were kids.

Yeah. I was a kid. That's my older sister's like favorite movie and it's fucking creepy. But now we know why. Why it was her favorite movie? Yeah, Brooke Shields' 15-year-old dad. Well, yeah,

and they, like, hook up, but they're brother and sister. Exactly. Yeah, it's fucked up. The sweetest taboo.

Nah. Oh, damn. Remember, I gave that to my sister for her birthday. I was like, if you get any ideas,

knock on the door. My office is always open. I used to keep office hours no i'm kidding i would never want to do that dr t yeah and i mean i've never watched blue lagoon since may 2nd 2005 but you know why i turned 18 that was it oh it became no see that doesn't matter right because you know that uh brooke and you know if the dude is doing anything for you, they're both aging with you. Yeah. So you're not, I don't know.

No, you're in some murky water. You really think so? You need to put your water rings on. You outgrow them in the scene so you can't touch it anymore. All right. Yeah, I guess that makes sense. If you're getting, you guess it makes sense? Well, I'm saying the other side of the coin is...

Thank you for this brave compromise. The other side of the coin is you're jerking it to people that are now adults. You were the same age as them when you started jerking it. Okay, so if you're at the age of, what, 58 or whatever, if you're jerking off to black and white photos of your high school sweetheart still, that's a crime. That's not good. That's not good. That's unsavory. Well, but aren't you jerking it to a time

when you and her were the same age, that age? You're jerking it to a lot of different things, not just a young person. Someone that you knew intimately. I don't know. It's not like I do it. I'm not defending someone's right to do it. I think if you shut your eyes Someone's right to do it

If you shut your eyes You go back in the old I'm in jail So it is wrong If I shut my eyes I'm in prison For what I did You're wearing a wig

So I should stop You've got great Kool-Aid lipstick on It's extra weird too Because she was naked In the film It's different if you Had a crush on Winnie Cooper

And you're still Into the idea of her As an adult The voice of reason Jake Becker a crush on Winnie Cooper and you're still into the idea of her as an adult. The voice of reason, Jake Becker. If Winnie had been naked fucking on The Wonder Years, then I feel like that's a weirder thing to hold on. I don't know, that's strange. You gotta replace it.

You gotta move on, I guess. Or else it is a bit much. I think you're allowed to think back on fun times you had as a youth. You have to think of yourself being younger, not I'm 30 and she's 15. Yeah, God. What a hellish nightmare that'd be for the girl.

Any of the women who gave it up to the king back in the day, if anyone who kissed the ring back then had to submit to my sexual wills now, they'd go buy a bullet and rent a gun yeah it's not how it would work though you wouldn't go back in time you're older they're the same age you're like we banked when we were in high school like you owe me this that

wouldn't it wouldn't it wouldn't be allowed i'm getting pre-monocta on myself from aliens or any type of god there wouldn't be like a oh yeah getting pre-monocta on myself. Aliens or any type of god, there wouldn't be like a, oh yeah, go back and be a fully grown adult. And then be in high school. See you tonight. I'm like, no. Get the fuck out of here. You're trying to wear your old leather jacket. The janitor wears your keys.

The jacket is just making you look arms out like a scarecrow. Your steak butter marshmallow manning around. I used to rule this place. Sir, we called the police. Shut up. You go and you punch the old coke machine and an apple comes out.

Yeah, it's not perfect. All they have is baked lays everything's a little bit different god damn it I do love baked lays but I remember being in high school

and I'd like drink a gallon of orange juice and eat an entire bag of baked lays and I'm like yeah I'm being healthy dude this is health food

it's like drinking ginger ale you're like I'm gonna live forever I'm making good choices already. Yeah. Look at me. Yeah.

I'm never going to smoke a cigarette. Bakelays, what a fucking trick they were pulled on us. What are they, full of salt and or pepper? They're just potato chips. Still potato chips. Yeah. Still bad for you. And they're like re-like, it's like the, it's pretty much like if you make crack.

That's like, that's what you're cooking down is the baked lays. Like it's a bunch of like potato parts that they couldn't turn into a whole chip. So they have to bake them down into this puck. Then they shatter it. They shatter it with a hammer. It's all blue. Yeah. They have to dye it potato color.

Let me get a tina or a baked lay, baby. You want to ride the snail? Give you a taste? Ride the snail. Another never-ending story. It's a racing snail. Was it? Never seen a never-ending story.

Rock biter, racing snail? No. A trey you? Cool band. Artex? Like the early stuff? Artex? the early stuff Artax Bilbo no

that's my crossover fan fiction Lord of the Never Ending Story Rings no I never watched baby movies that came out when I was young

so you weren't young enough for Never Ending Story I would guess no for sure we missed we have different movies that we watched yeah like I watched as kids I watched like You weren't young enough for Never Ending Story, I would guess. No, for sure. We missed... We have different movies that we watched. Yeah, like I watched...

As kids. I watched, like, Saving Private Ryan. You watched films as a child. Yeah, uh-huh. Sling Blade for my 13th birthday. You were one of these precocious sons of bitches that liked hanging out with adults more than the kids. Yeah, just because I could... Kids were babies and you were...

Kids didn't have any clove cigarettes I could buy. Right. Yeah, you were closer in height to the parents so you identified with them. My dad and mom

used to have film Thursday where she would get the best new movies that came out and we'd watch them on the VHS upstairs. So I saw Sling Blade,

you know, Good Will Hunting. That was a big one. Sure. That was weird big one. Sure. That was weird because there's that weird sex scene in Sepia Towns. There is. While Elliot Smith is playing. Elliot Smith.

What was that? It's a not-so-mini-driver coming out of nowhere. Got a nice little British accent going. Hello, governor. Not-so-mini-driver? Well, yes. You're 6'5". I should hope it's not a little tiny peen. I so many drivers. Well, you're 6'5". I should hope it's not a little tiny peen. I guess it doesn't matter, right?

We've got to get away from the tiny dick shit. No. Apparently. Look, man, I'll play nice. You can't take away Tina's shaming. Hey, it's not me. If you're on the tiny peen scene, guess what? You better start

doing some pushups you better be cool as hell yeah learn a skill get good at golf or frisbee buy a helicopter

yeah start Tesla learn to break dance he sues us the podcast recorder explodes an electric car rings the doorbell

and takes all of our files. Hello, Ted. That's the Knight Rider car. You think Ted Knight was the star of Knight Rider? Ted Knight is Knight Rider. Well, we're all waiting.

Ted, there's trouble ahead. Get my night rider. Get my mini driver. Oh, shit. Golf. All right. I mean, the argument for not doing small penis jokes is that some people, some men don't have penises. Right.

Which is fine. I get that. I'm all for it. But I'm not talking about you. But here's the knob. You think I'm going up to trans people and being like, what's up, tiny dick? No way. Right.

That's a crime. You can't do that. Yeah. Wow. You can't do that. Yeah, well. You can't do that. I'm saying there's a lot of women are being corrected. Cis women are being corrected when they make fun of guys who are like jerks online or whatever by saying they have tiny dicks. It's like, well, let's move away from that. It's like, yeah.

In a lot of situations, maybe. Yeah, because we want to silence women i get it now and then now and then yeah if a guy's being a jerk you could maybe allude to uh him having a little prick of a pepper it's as old as the moon and the sun i know but that doesn't mean that you keep doing those things just because they've been around speech you know i'm fine with that it's all just it's it's all very complicated and we want things to be more simple. No, it's just that people want to find the new woke war to fight.

Stop talking about dicks. It's like, no! No! I fought in Operation Desert Storm for the right to... I fought in Operation Dickless Storm. If my dick is bigger than someone else's, it is my right to shame them. God picked me over them.

There's three people on my right to shame them. God picked me over them. There's three people on earth who I can shame. If I want to go to India and talk some shit. There's only two left. I bullied the other one into death.

But yeah, there's two that are back in less meat than me. A couple deli owners in Brooklyn. Yeah. In the Jewish section of town.

What? Nobody's buying my porks. Nobody's buying up my pork sausage. Emily had to do a fake colonoscopy on a breakfast sausage the other day. Mouthwatering. Yeah, I was like, who took the sausages home?

I literally asked her. Did you guys eat the sausage? She was like, we dyed them. I was like, you guys eat the sausage she's like what do you mean dyed them i was like you can cut that part off what do you mean well it's harmless well then you can trace it through your body yeah when it when it comes out you know when you're done how things are going yeah once it goes back from purple to brown then you're like okay i'm i'm sausage free if you're in brown town internally everyone'm sausage free. If you're in Browntown. Internally. Everyone else is around. If it's yellow, let it mellow. If it's brown, let it mellow.

It's the fucking Great Depression. We can't flush anything. Dig another trench. Yeah. Wake up Ova. Get three coffins ready. Ova the shit digger. He used to have to ride a train to Philadelphia

to go work in a child slave mercantile warehouse. Then he'd come home and give his aunt $13. He had to run the machine that created the child slaves. Put a hat on them and a lunch pail and they'd go off to work. He just made tiny handcuffs.

I did a show this weekend. You did too. We're back on the road. We're both... I did a show this weekend you did too we both yeah we're back on the road we're both yeah I thought a lot of this podcast was going to be fun stories from

our lives as traveling entertainers and it has not been that we don't need it it's been something else very different we don't need to lean on that we look to the past

that old crutch we've traveled back in time to when we were just little babies. We're just two amoebas floating through the mind space, man. Yeah. Oh, yeah. We're still just floating. Yeah.

I like to think of it, we're in a jar that's in the hand of a titan, and he's just shaking it up. We're flies in the Vaseline, like Scott Weiland said. Yeah. Another great jerk video. Okay. All right. Just the legs, right? Like, it was the bottom

halves of people in a bar or something? There were, like, kilts involved. I might have been jerking it to a man's legs if it was a kilt instead of a skirt. So that means you're woke? That means I like a little hair down there. Oh, oh. Yeah. No thanks, Brooke Shields at

15. Why don't you call me when you... No, that's what's weird. ...fears removed from the Blue Lagoon. She had full bush. No, she didn't. You're thinking Demi Moore. No, Demi Moore did have a legendary beaver down there.

Yeah. From what? Not striptease. She had one of the biggest bushes ever photographed on film, I believe. They had to build a new camera That's why they built the Hubble Space Telescope To get every hair in the frame She did some photo spread

For like Wii Magazine Or Playboy or something back in the day No I think it was one of those truck stop mags Okay They're called like Nugget It looks like it's a joke Like it's so thick it i've never seen bush that thick in my life it looks like we were trying to donate our beard hair and then someone

took the beard hair and made a giant bush locks of love down there all right yeah i don't remember it but i believe it i remember uh my you need to look it up my favorite favorites was like Anna Nicole Smith of course definitive Kathy Ireland

this is before your time Kathy Ireland yeah you Lucille Ball we would have shared we would have shared I was the same age

as Shirley Temple so it was fine it was okay for me to jerk off to Shirley Temple we were the same we were peers we both served on the good ship It was okay for me to jerk off to Shirley Temple. We were the same. We were peers.

We both served on the good ship lollipop together, swapping the deck. That's why I jerked off to Mickey Rooney. You like a nice curly curmudgeon. I get tough for alfalfa. That's why his hair was sticking up with all your jizz. Our producer Becker is going to the... Becker, can you put that up for us? To the internet He's getting Demi Lovato's bush

I'm trying to keep just showing ones With like just her face from the shot Like I know it happened But show me the thing Yeah, come on man Show me the thing That's what we call it Computer in hands

Show me John Carpenter's the thing Demi Moore's bush What? Whoa thing. Demi Moore's Bush. What? Whoa. Yeah, man. Holy cow. Famous photographer. Solid Bush.

It's like she has a secret skunk. Yeah, that looks like George H.W. Bush's first wife. Yeah, it's like a... It looks edited.

Just looks like a blackout. It's a Merkin portrait. Yeah, it's like... It looks edited. It just looks like a blackout. It's a Merkin portrait. Yeah, it's Japanese pornography. She asked that we cover it in hair, so we did. Yeah, I was like, oh, good. Well, at least she's of age, for sure. Oh, yeah. She can rent a car.

That thing can rent a car. She's got to be 25. That thing has its own insurance plan. Leather seats, please. Otherwise, half of me will be left behind. Velcro in the front seat. Yeah, that's pretty cool. It's something else.

That's pretty neat. I'm glad we could do that to you, because I remember the people who showed that to me the first time, and I had the same response, where I was like, no way. Uh-uh. Wowza. Yeah.

Cuando. way. Uh-uh. Wowza. Yeah. Guando. Yeah, I'm glad that there's been the pivot from all of that to none and then there was

kind of, I feel like in the last 20 years there's been a little bit of what? Meeting in the middle. You know, where there's some. I like the meeting

in the middle. That's where the action's some. I like the meet in the middle. That's where the action is. That's where the waterworks are. But, uh... Stop winking during the pod. We don't have closed captioning. Sam, winks, winks, winks. Wink, wink, wink.

Yeah, no, I mean, I'm all for whatever you got. Right. Yeah. I mean, if you're my wife. If you're legally married to me. Otherwise, you need to fucking leave me alone. All right? All you busty gals in Davenport, put a bra on.

All right? Yeah, you were in Iowa. Mm-hmm. At a Yeah, you were in Iowa. You were in your hometown. I was in my future hometown. Trinidad, Colorado. Trinidad. Where all the cowards go. Coward of the county.

Yeah. Yeah, I was down there. Had a fun time. They've got a water slide? Theater down there. Oh. and we did that and i did indoor i did it was indoors it was wow there were like 20 people there whoa it was very much uh limited seating and not lucrative financially i i made a couple grand which is you know enough for me to keep the lights on attaboy make it so I can keep looking up Bush on the internet.

Get my machine head on. What about Silverchair? Silverchair was good. You ever mix them up? No. You're trying to impress a girl wearing a baby doll t-shirt? I love this song. Silverchair rocks.

They're like, this is Bush, you idiot. Then they put their JNCOs back on. Yeah, I'm all dried up now. No glycerin for you. They put their hookups tee back on. No, I was pretty nerdy about knowing who was who, like kind of in a dumb i used to uh write down a lot of like stats for uh athletes like where they were from and shit like because i would draw them and then sometimes i would want to like put their information down were you trying to impress truck drivers impress myself

this was a solo mission but i like needed to know needed to know that Larry Johnson was 6'7", 250. Like, Owen Hart, 5'11", 227. Sure. And build. So, like, wrestlers, athletes, their colleges started to creep in there. Rodman, I think, went to Southeast Oklahoma State. He did, yeah. And then, like, Pippen went to, like, Northwest Arkansas.

Yeah, definitely. There's a bunch of shit in there. Because, like, before I smoked weed or drank, it all just started piling up and it's still in there. So yeah, Bush, Silverchair. What stats did you write down about Bush? Their 40 times? No, no. It wasn't with music.

But making mixtapes, listening to the radio. Because I mentioned in an earlier episode about how like blowing it was not not good i hated it my dad didn't like us being idiot kids that blew it and then i internalized that and did not want to blow it and i hated the idea of like i had a good group of friends but we had to take turns like shaming or making fun of someone for what they did. God forbid you didn't know which hand the Harlem Globetrotters were. Dikembe Mutombo speaks

eight languages, you idiot! What town was he from? What village is he from? Say it again! The stress syllable is the third U, not the second! Yeah, just, I don't know. I didn't want to blow it in front of my my friends so instead you because then you get you're blowing it now now i'm making fun of you

for this you trying not to blow it hey i can deal with it now i got all kinds of shit going for me yeah you're tough man you got that weird haircut i'm sponsored by tough shed i have too many sheds now it's like what how many lawnmowers can I buy before I look like I'm planting something? Like, it's a cover for the amount of fertilizer I'm moving. Hey, look at these sheds, man. Come on, man. What are you gonna do? Don't look at all the ball bearings.

It's fine. It sucks you got the tough shed sponsorship, because I got pussy shed. Yeah, the wickedest. I got little baby pussy weak shed. Cuck shed. Yeah. You have to watch me put stuff into my shed. That's where I hide when my wife bangs the neighbor.

You can hear everything because it's such a thin, shitty shed. Yeah, it's made of chicken wire. It's a nightmare. So, yeah. What were we even talking about? You were trying to brag about Trinidad how it was the best show ever and how you don't need to wear a mask when you do comedy and indoor shows are fine were you outdoors?

duh you were in the shadow of the mansion no we got a tent dude the city of Davenport got a tent for the old man you made it I had a hellacious time, too. Why? Okay, well, I'm about to tell some truths on this podcast.

We've done it before, and I think people like it. Oh, I do, too. Because everybody now knows that if you post truth and other showrunners see that, they're not going to be as likely to book you. Because if they have an off night or if they're a fraud and their show sucks and then that gets out that's like their whole thing. No, the show was great. That wasn't it. My decisions leading up to the show are what was shameful.

You didn't pack any pants. I didn't pack pants. Well, that was on purpose. It's an artistic choice. You like my thighs are down here. Yeah, thighs out, skies out. So much that you have to wear shorts. I literally opened with it.

I know. Yeah, there was a man in a wheelchair with a blanket on his legs because it was outside and it was like 40 degrees. Got on stage. Before I even got the mic out of the stand, FDR, what's up? Hey, my thighs are up here. That kind of fun. We're rocking. We're rolling.

I'm still taking the second step to the stage. Don't even introduce myself y'all ready for this is still playing yeah you hear walk up music no it was

Pantera respect it was walk nice yeah of course it's always walk that's too much it rules

that's what you go with yeah of course if they offer that's heavy I'm heavy duty man that or the stone cold music. Come and swing. And then I cut through the tent. Put a blade through the tent.

Stunned the host. Put Chris Schlichting down. Yeah, put him through a table. I loothed as the waitress. Swailing on him. No, so it was on Saturday. It was my cousin Henry's 21st birthday. Yeah.

So he said, hey, why don't we all hang out for my birthday? Little Emily gets some time off. I say, let's go down. We drive down. We have a couple of beers with Henry at 4. And then out of nowhere, he needs to go to the Botanical Gardens with his mom and dad. All right. It's 5 o'clock.

We've got plenty of time. Sophie got wide right. Rented the whole thing out. She's got cakes coming. It's Mel's brother's 21st birthday. We're, we've got plenty of time. Sophie got wide right, rented the whole thing out. She's got cakes coming. It's Mel's brother's 21st birthday. We're going to have a damn good time. Nuggets game, it's on the TV. It's on 2TV.

Yeah, dude, so we're in there, we're great. We're getting drunk, I'm taking Hennessy shots with children. Well, newly minted adults. Right, I'm trying to impress a bunch of black teens, as is my want. Yeah, your target demographic. Yeah, I i was like lay down the cardboard you know you start busting a move young mc style i was doing the robot i call this the automaton uh so henry canceled on us yeah i wondered what happened when none of the pictures showed henry bail i was like, what the hell?

And I'd prepared. I wrote Mel's brother's name on one butt cheek and Henry's name on another butt cheek. And it was also Pickle's birthday, so down the middle Mel drew a pickle on my butt crack. Yeah, so all night I'm sitting on the best gift in town. And I can't wait to bust this thing out. The best gift with the worst wrapping paper. Your ass is so disturbing to me. It's really a lot.

It looks like the dark side of a pale planet. It's fucked up, man. It's not fucked up. It is. It just looks like an ass. No, it doesn't. The crack is two city blocks long. It never ends. I do. It crack is two city blocks long. It never ends.

I do. It goes up to my shoulder blades. There's so much. Oh, God. I do have the world's longest crack. It's so bad. Talk about a miracle mile. It's getting too much.

It's being gentrified. That's how much real estate it is. It's like there's a cupcake shop in my ass. It's like there's not enough hair to cover anything up. No, it's pale. It's very pale. There's like no muscles involved.

It looks like the cover of Neil Young album. It's fucking... It's crazy. I felt bad for everybody that saw it walking by. Because it's like, no, no, that's not his whole thing. There's a lot more to him. Don't judge him just on his ass.

But man, yeah, if that was the first you saw of a guy, you would never trust him with anything. My ass starts at my neck. Right? I remember Antonio Lucero when I was a freshman and he was a senior. He said I had a long ass. And everyone called me long ass in football. Long crack. Long ass.

It sucked. Your ass goes from the bottom of your back to your knees. Pretty much, yeah. You have no back part of the thigh. You have zero hamstrings. That's not true. It is true. I've seen back there.

Let's see. You want to take a peek right now? No, I never do. Play by play. I never do, and I saw those pictures. Give a live-ass commentary. Thank God I quit drinking. If I had been there, I would have fallen off the wagon.

For sure. Fallen into my ass. Get me some Hennessy so that I can black out and hopefully hit my head and not remember that I had to see your ass so we had to scramble and there was another girl

who ended up having a birthday Pickles no so Pickles was already drawn on the ass she was on there this was drawn on there at like 5pm alright

it was just ready to go like this is gonna be the best talents rules who's house Mel's house yeah and then paint it I tricked a neighborhood kid into whitewashing it this is going to be the best talents rule who's house Mel's house yeah and then paint it I tricked a neighborhood kid

into whitewashing it this is fun fuckle Barry Finn so there was another girl who ended up having a birthday that night so Mel and I called an audible

after Henry cancelled and we went in the corner and he crossed out Henry's name and wrote Olivia on my ass I saw Olivia's name on there so then Sophie kept being like,

my brother has the best gift for everyone. Starts telling everybody. She couldn't shut up about it. That there's something to expect. Yeah. Yeah, it's blowing. You know my sister. She's Machiavellian.

Oh, yeah, yeah. I was going to say, she doesn't often blow it on accident. I think sometimes it's a planned obsolescence. Yeah, exactly. She's like Apple. She's an iPhone. If I'm going to blow it, it's going to be beneficial in the long run.

Yeah. So she's telling everyone. And eventually the Nuggets game's over. Everyone's sad. And Sophie's like, I know what will cheer everyone up. Sam to the patio. Hit it. So there's a bunch of 21-year-old kids there that are Mel's brother's friends.

Urban youth, you know. And then there's a bunch of estheticians there who work with my sister. So it's a bunch of, like, super hot, very pretty, well-put-together girls. And then just a gaggle of comedians, you know. Lots of makeup and weird smell, body smells from the comics well yeah the comics are there and they pretty much bring out your dead you know it's like they fell off a gut wagon they're all rattling a tin can on the barge in the cage yeah yeah pyscher and then these professional pimple poppers yeah are looking real good well put together step team wearing a bunch

of supreme in the hundreds gear so sophie's like, all right, everyone, Sam's got a gift. And she makes me get on a picnic table. And she's like, hit it! And then her and Emily yanked my shorts down and written there, you know, happy birthday. Everyone did lose their mind. It was a crazy, I was bent over for like five minutes while people were taking photos with it. People had to get their TikToks. Yeah. People were putting pennies in there. I was bent over for like five minutes while people were taking photos with it. People had to get their TikToks. Yeah, people were putting pennies in there.

I was flattening them. You're like the bean in Chicago. A bunch of tourists are waiting in line to get their Instagram shot. Yeah, there's weird reflections. With a peace sign by their eye. So yeah, Emily, as soon as she pants me, she threw a piece of cake at it. That was a hilarious video. I didn't even know she caked me because I was like blackout drunk at this point.

Oh, dude. I was making it talk, you know, making it squawk. Oh, God. Yeah. We all sung happy birthday and I was pulling the lips. You were pulling? Oh, what the fuck? Thank God.

Happy birthday. There are no pictures, I guess, of that that I saw. There's video. There's video of the asshole singing. Well, that's the thing is my butt is like 18 inches deep. So no one saw the tongue. Everyone just heard the holler. And your dick and balls are just like around the corner.

Yeah, I'm covering them up. And people are walking by. It's the 21st and Curtis. So they just see a galoot mooning a bunch of hot chicks. Everybody that just got off the Greyhound from fucking Dubuque. Yeah, they're like, oh, Denver City of Dreams. I'm going to turn it all around here.

Finally, my past hasn't caught up to me here. My god, what is that? Instantly relapse. So yeah, that was a lot of fun. And apparently I just had cake all over my ass all night. I got the most blackout I've been in a long time. There was two hours of lost time for me.

So that was very scary. While you were out and about? Yeah, I was at the bar. But then you sobered up and came to when? Like when you were still at Wide Right? No, no, never sobered up, never came to. Right. I don't remember after 11 o'clock on.

We were there until like 2. Yeah. Drinking buckets of beer. There was a photo that surfaced of me and Brent Gill shirtless. Yeah, that was that night. That's never good. Apparently I was trying to blow raspberries on him. Gross.

That's terrible. Yeah. During COVID protocol? Fauci's spinning in his grave this podcast by the time this comes out he'll certainly be dead he has a bunch of pissed off fucking rednecks trying to kill him for talking about science i thought you meant me i was like yeah i'm out guys no no fauci okay f Fauci's, yeah, there's a bounty on his head. So I moon, all right.

This is a long story. You moon, you black out, you break dance. My flight is at 10 a.m. the next day to Davenport, Iowa. Yeah. I wake up at 7.30 to my alarm. I try and stand up. I fall into the coffee table. Cut my leg real bad

on the coffee table oh my god yeah I'm like stumbling around trying to get my shit together uh I'm you're currently bleeding on your own carpet

yeah I'm I'm gashed I go and I sit in my car I turn the car on I drive down to Colfax I'm blackout drunk what?

I'm still drunk at like 8am but not blackout no I mean I'm like very very drunk I'm fucked up Jesus Christ like oh But not blackout No I mean I'm like very very drunk I'm fucked up Oh apparently I threw up all over Wide Right Poor Sophie's lying to make me feel bad

Cause no one confirms the throw up besides Sophie She's the only one And she cleaned it up So you owe her a couple favors Anyway I have to park the car and then buy another plane ticket For that day What? I bought a plane ticket for that day. So that you could come back up here and pass out?

Or you were down in Denver? I couldn't drive. I was in Denver. Why didn't anybody drive you? Because it was 8am and everyone else was wasted too. So I couldn't drive. I had to buy a plane ticket for that night. The left are like 4. Got me in at 7. The show starts at 7. I had to lie to everyone and tell them

that my flight was delayed by 7 hours or whatever. Heavy storms. Donnie Townsend's supposed to pick me up. He goes to the wrong airport. I'm in Cedar Rapids. He goes to the Quad City Airport, so I just get to the airport without a ride. Have to rent a car. That's another $800. Fuck. So I did

this show pretty much for charity. After finding a plane ticket day of, I got there. To keep Kurt's of i got there car afloat exactly i got there to the ren mcmansion parked my car got out of the car and chris schlichting says sam talent everyone oh good everybody's just on their phones because they've been waiting for you i guess he's up there guessing birthdays for an hour and a half so i went on how to find what was your high school mascot oh another, another bird! Who had a bird? Who had a bird in the pool?

Who had a bird who had a horse? I know we had a couple people. Who had racist Native American? Ayo. So anyway, it was a bad time. The show went fine. I'm sorry that I had to fib and say my flight was delayed instead of just coming out and saying it.

Anyway, Davenport, Iowa, you're the best. You still rocked it. I rocked it. I did somevenport, Iowa, you're the best. You still rocked it. I did some fact-checking for you. You puked in Wide Ride on Saturday. Who said? The owner. Oh, we're going to listen to Eric. No, don't hurt. I hit up him.

He said someone did. I didn't know who it was. It wasn't me. Who else would have done it? Ask if there was a bunch of peanut shells in it. There were several 21-year-olds, and you were the one that puked. Yeah, ask if there's any cashews. So anyway, that sucks. I don't know if I closed my tab, but hopefully they just let it go,

because I was a local celebrity there, an influencer. Yeah, they're able to throw around a lot of free drinks. Discretionary fun flow. Yeah. So anyway, that was my story. Lund, we can't get to your story. We'll probably tell it in the page. You know, we'll move over to the Patreon and do that.

We do have a new sponsor for this great show. Hey, get on, like, subscribe, tell all your friends. Shelby Behemoth is the king of hell. Spread the word. We're having fun, y'all.all yeah um so yeah you got the plug yeah we're plugging hold the phone productions yes they've been doing great uh shows online they figured it out pretty early into quarantine like how to do a good fun comedy show online oh yeah a lot of a lot of comics or showrunners are blowing it, but they have figured out a lot of

good practices. Whenever there's a national tragedy, you can count on Jake Brown to figure out how to capitalize on it. He monetized everyone's fear and loathing immediately, and for that In Las Vegas and beyond. Yeah, exactly. And on the campaign trail.

So, yeah, I want to commend him and Sam. They've always done cool stuff. You know, they had like a seltzer festival. Yeah, yeah. Hard seltzer competition. They're behind the grow-off. Yeah, the grow-off took off, blew up. On the launch pad.

Yeah. It was a challenger style. A bunch of teachers died. The hot chip challenge was not them but they were almost there they were going hot pretzel

the Lou Gehrig disease challenge they gave everyone Lou Gehrig's the FDR challenge yeah don't use your legs for 16 years

yeah have everybody call you Mr. President smell the blanket see what it smells like so yeah hold the phone.

They've done a great job bringing comedy to you the safest way possible. Which is through the internet. Via the internet. Yeah. And, yeah, they have a couple of shows coming up that they wanted us to get the word out about, including... They're our first long-term sponsor. They're going to ride with us forever. Jake sent us a bunch of money.

And we blew it on jewel pods and dogs. They got two killer shows coming up next week. Hey Girl with Matt and Kyle. Will be October 2nd. That's Matt Bronger and Kyle Kinane. Two empresarios. That is correct. Two of the big fastest gunslingers in these parts are doing Hey Girl Online.

That'll be 5 p.m. Pacific with their guest, Rene Gauthier. Rene Gauthier. Rene Gauthier. Who's like some kind of fashion designer. I don't know. She's a very funny comedian. Well, she can't be both. Maybe she's designed some suspenders that you can buy on Etsy.

That Urest can wear. I'm not sure. Yeah, Urest is a suspender boy because no belt can hold him. No. By law. Science has not caught up. No, yeah. The governor had to step in and say,

too many people were being blinded by the shrapnel flying off his belt. There was a sonic boom the last time he tried to put one on. From the leather snapping. So yeah, he's getting better. And then, why don't you tell them about the other show? Okay, the other show, everyone. It's Funtime

Boys Game Night. Spectacular presents Quiplash, hosted by Sean O'Connor. Finally, a comedy name for a show that's harder to say than the people on the lineup. That's Funtime, Boys, Game Night, Spectacular, October 2nd,

7pm, PDT, Pedophile Detention Time. Paul Walter Hauser's on it? They got Hauser? They got Hauser, back from Mars. Damn, alright. Allison Tolman, Jimmy Pardo, who's one of the funniest people ever, Emily Heller,

also very funny, from, well, allegedly, Dana Schwartz, Marlena Rodriguez, Dana Donnelly, and Chase Mitchell, so but yeah, but yeah, Funtime Boys Game Night, Hey Girl with Matt and Kyle, you can see all this at holdthephone.tv holdthephone.tv.

Holdthephone.tv is where you want to go. Type that into your electric computing machine. Yeah, put another Amazon disc. Or no, hold on. AOL. Put another AOL disc in the old hopper and let's get ready to rock. Fire it up, yeah. Yeah, they got a bunch of great shows. They got Hot Tub on there.

Full lineup is available at HoldThePhone.tv Thank you for the money, Jake Brown. Tiny Dynamite. Big fan. Keep it up. And remember, if you want to get in there, you can... Keep Jake's head out of that bowl of soup. Yeah. And keep on bringing us great content. Uh-huh. And...

He's narcoleptic. HoldThePhone.tv everyone. We're gonna dot TV, everyone. We're gonna go into our Patreon, chubbybehemoth.com. Nope. Patreon.com slash chubbybehemoth. Get in there. We're, uh... We got a bunch of great people signed up.

Thank you. Yeah, thanks. I didn't know if we were blowing our load early. Nah, dude. People fucking love this shit. But, yeah. Let's, uh... Let's give the people what they want, Which is us hanging out a little extra every week

Yeah let's feed these pigs some more apple cores Oh yeah give me the seeds Spend their money on Demi Labore Bush replicas Demi Labato and more Damien Labay Dammit