Chubby Behemoth - Monkey Man

Episode Date: October 23, 2020

No Label, No Law. Mythbusters: After Dark. Orgy Fan Orgy.   This weeks sponsor Hold The Phone! https://holdthephone.tv/     Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth.

The thing about that Eugene Merman show at School of Mines was it was during their... It was like the one week they have off for all of school. Because I don't even know if they get Thanksgiving off because they have so many Dubai kids there who wish death to America and stuff. That's their whole thing. Yeah, the spies, spy kids. Yeah, the... The, uh... Spies. Spy Kids. Yeah, exactly, yeah.

Like the documentary Spy Kids. Which was directed by Rob Zombie, right? No. Robert Rodriguez. Robert Rodriguez, who's friends with... Rob Riggle. Who was... A Marine...

Who fought against the parents of a lot of these kids at School of Mines. All these little petroleum engineers. All these young sheiks and sultans. Yeah, but it was the one week they have off, so this was the kickoff to that week, was this Friday night show at School of Mines. And they weren't allowed to bring in water bottles because they would bring in vodka in the water bottle.

Sure. So all these kids were fucking, you know, they took their flying carpets and they were wasted. No. They drank a bunch of mead. Yeah, exactly. Out of their goatskin

flasks. Exactly. Yeah, they were in their rooms right before this charming a snake out of the basket. Yeah, they were in their rooms right before this, charming a snake out of the basket. So, yeah, all these kids were, like, fucking wasted, man. You know, a bunch of petroleum engineers getting tied on real tight. And I went up there and was like, CMT Nation worldwide, you know. Slapping, tickling.

Oh, for sure. Fucking, you know. I ripped that Bible in half I was like death to America they were loving it and uh and then Eugene Berman went out there

and was like I do a funny voice for like 90 minutes and I remember like 10 minutes into his set someone was like do the voices

from uh you know Robert's Hot Dogs what's the name of that show? Bob's Burgers. Bob's Burgers, yeah. Which is just Jim's ear, but slightly higher energy. Yeah, they were like, do the voices! And he was like, I have another idea. Here's another scathing tweet to Radio Shack. People say that I sound like him,

which is not like... It's not like in a cool way. It's always like just in a specific, yeah, you have that same warble. Yeah, that's not what people want. You have it in a flattering way, like the way I imagine he would speak if he was in court or doing something that was important to his life.

If he wore a suit. Yeah. Yeah. There was a time when i was new in vegas and i was at a bar next door to beauty bar waiting for a show and this guy starts talking to me he was like a sales traveling salesman for like maytag or something you know like sold fucking washers and dryers and And he was doing all the talking. I wasn't talking that much. I'm just like trying to get in there, you know. I'm writing my set, you know.

So eventually he's like, what's your deal? What are you up to? I'm about to go next door and do stand-up comedy. And he's like, you? With that voice? And I was like, what the fuck? It like hurt for some reason. It wasn't like i cared about him but then

like it wasn't anything i had heard from anyone else as like something to work on so it was uh hurtful and i think it's because i wasn't like he expected you know people expect comics to be on and be like you know really selling themselves all the time and I was not in that headspace at all I was getting ready for the show and I wasn't full of myself because I was new yeah you didn't sit in a pie in front of him yeah I didn't

fall off of the stool and split my pants and have a bunch of chocolate around my mouth also you said five words to him. You were like, I'm about to go to a store and do stand-up comedy. And he was like, what? With that voice? With that voice? No way.

What a psycho. Yeah, it was annoying. Would it have been funny if he was like, with that voice! You're not gonna do good, man! Yeah, just the craziest voice and then making fun of mine. That's how this kid talks that stole a... Well, allegedly stole a monkey from the San Francisco Zoo.

He talked like this, man! And it's hilarious. He's friends with a certain person who may or may not rip their toenails through duvet covers all the time. A certain Bay acolyte. A certain Niners fan. Let's just say that the bath water is not hot but not cold. It's about lukewarm whenever he gets in.

Allegedly, him and his friend absconded the San Francisco Zoo with a monkey. What? And it's just so funny to think about Luke being like, what do we do? And his buddy would be like, I don't know, man. I wonder what we're going to do with this monkey, dude. They were both like 14. They were doing news reports on it.

And Luke was like, we've got to get this monkey back. And he's like, that sounds like a good idea, man. We've got to get the monkey back to the zoo, dude. Did they give it back? The monkey got back.

Allegedly, the monkey got back. They put a stamp on the monkey's forehead. And held his hand down to the Greyhound station. Figured he'd figure it out. Yeah, the monkey's definitely not working at Chili's in San Jose. What good does monkey do? It's not eating all the apples I got for it it's like bad enough that you have to like

keep a monkey alive for a week but meanwhile you gotta hear this guy be like the monkey dude he pooped in my hat and I put it on and now I wear a poop hat man no one likes me dude that's literally how he talks I never met that guy

allegedly no you haven't met him he was a San Francisco character allegedly we had a lot of good times in San Francisco they had a similar kind of scene

as Denver a bunch of comics trying to figure it out doing their own thing we had a real good time out there a bunch of young comics trying to get by you talk doing their own thing. We're having a real good time out there. A bunch of young comics trying to get by.

You talk like my dad. Is that you, Papa Kulo? That puppy. The monkey bit mommy. Now mommy got monkey illness. That's where COVID came from. That monkey bite in that kid's mom. Mommy got monkey mark.

Monkey munch mommy. Mommy got too much syrup on her arm. A monkey like a taste of syrup, man. Maple monkey munch mommy. like a taste of syrup, man. Maple monkey munch mom. I mean... I'm glad that Luke turned out as okay as he has.

He's one of like a dozen comics that we've known since they were like 12. I know! These young kids that have supportive parents and then are able to navigate a city so they go check out Mike's or whatever. Luke was born at Haight and Ashbury.

That's his cross streets, pretty much, right there in the Mission. No, sorry, Haight-Ashbury. That's the name of the city he's from. It's the cross streets of his town. Yeah, and Luke was like 14 doing stand-up around the city. I remember the first time I hung out with Luke and Boy, we were walking around, and another guy. Luke and Boy, we were walking around,

and this old Jamaican guy was like, Hey, Luke, what up, man? And Luke gave him DAP, and they had an argument about Luke. He owed Luke like 30 bucks. He's like, give me that money, dude. And the guy's like, alright, man. You know?

I can't do a Rasta accent. He's been doing comedy since, you know. I can't do a roster accent. He's been doing comedy since he was 14? I think he said he was 12. I don't know, you'd think he'd be better at it. Yeah, I'm so glad you said that. No, he's my friend. He's good. You heard it here first, guys.

He's not as good as his buddy, the monkey thief. So what's the deal with L.I. Peanuts, man? My monkey keep eating them. I don't even know what they taste like. He don't take the shells off, man. His tongue too strong. You ever eat the shell?

Of course. All the time. It makes you feel strong. Yeah. I think it's one of those things where it's like you get a little bit of the earth inside of you. And then I think you just feel like, I don't know, you're not supposed to, but then you do. And, you know, your mom says you'll choke, but then you don't choke. I was like, I wonder what else mom was wrong about.

What else has she been lying to me about? What other horse shit have I been swallowing home? Maybe I can jerk off. I haven't gone blind yet. Yeah. Oh, no. Where'd you go? I went blind once from a fever. What? Yeah, dude.

How hot? I don't even know, but enough for me to go blind which I did not know was possible yeah I was probably I think I was in high school I was at home where my parents were you know and got up and like went into the kitchen

to melt some chocolate frosting or some shit no I learned my lesson I go blind cause I get frosting in my eyes right out of the microwave. Jesus. No, dude, I remember I was reaching to get something out of a cupboard, and the lights went out, and I was like,

Mom, I'm blind. It's her fault. No, because she was there, and she's older than me, so I was like, I figure I'll let my elders know. Did you maybe hit an old woman that cursed us? But yeah, she like, I laid down in the kitchen.

She was like, lay down, I guess. Maybe you'll be able to see down on the closer to the floor. On the ground? Yeah, I laid down and just after like a minute ground yeah I laid down and just after like a minute or so I kept blinking and shit

and eventually I was able to see again but it was wild oh my god yeah fevers apparently

bad for your health were you terrified yeah dude that would have been fucking flipped out well yeah it was yeah

it was a couple minutes of just like am I am I just blind now? Is this my thing? From a fucking fever like it's the Old West? Yeah. Why didn't you address the fever? Why were you still rummaging for Pop-Tarts if you were fevered? I didn't feel especially like crazy sick.

I just had a fever. I wasn't like dying. I just was sick and so I was home or whatever. I probably had a fever. Like I didn't, I wasn't like dying. I don't, I just was sick. And so I was home or whatever thing. I probably stayed home from school. But, uh, yeah, once my vision came back, uh, that was, you know, a relief. And then just, uh, you know, grab some chocolate frosting and some pretzels. Back to the lab. Mom, I'll be in my quarters with a pen and a pad trying to get this damn label off

label off the frosting yeah I thought the problem was the label it was actually the laws of thermodynamics well no label no law

that's the issue that's what I thought yeah I thought I could sneak one past old Al B. Einstein but he was on to me just going blind. I remember one time I... I listen to a lot of Korn.

I don't know if that was part of it. I'm going blind. Your mom and I are not blind. She's been crying wolf. She's like, alright, whatever. My mom thought she caught me once because in high school I was listening to, I think it was just the radio, but

Man in the Box by Alice in Chains was on, you know, and it says Jesus Christ, deny your maker. But my mom heard, she was like, did that song just say Jesus Christ is not your maker?

And I was like, no, it said Jesus Christ, deny your maker. She didn't know what that meant, so she just kind of backed off. When you said, I thought, when my mom caught me once, I thought she caught you, you know, wetting the toad down. No. Choking pud. Well, no, I was getting ready for school or something. I was listening to the radio.

Oh, like you didn't even jerk off before school? You used to jerk off on the way to school. No time. Clear my head. You were driving the bus. Eyes in the back. Eyes to the back. Nobody's calling me out.

No label, no law. Driving one-handed. Jerking. Jerking on the bus. That's a crazy move, man.. Jerking on the bus. That's a crazy move, man. People who whack on a bus. Yeah. Yeah.

Hell of a move. I remember there was a kid at a different school. I only heard this story. Who, uh... Hurtel. Yeah. It was a blind item. Allegedly.

Yeah. It was a blind item. Yeah, you told me when you were laying on the ground. When I couldn't see. Stevie Wonder's gossip column blind item uh no

what the fuck oh yeah there was a kid that used to jerk off from the back of the bus and he had a huge hog and people would like gather around and watch

no way yeah definitely Ponderosa High School jeez mhm he was like pretty much like charging tickets to see the show well yeah I would imagine and watch. No way. Yeah, definitely. Ponderosa High School. Jeez. He was pretty much charging tickets to see the show. Well, yeah,

I would imagine you've got to make some money. Yeah, I know. If you have a gift, you don't give it away for free, unless you're a comic.

If you're going to one of the five wealthiest schools in Colorado, you need some Maserati money. Pound off in the comments. I would love to have...

It'd be cool to be that guy who just feels free enough to pound off on a school bus while his friends watch and his enemies. So free. Yeah.

Just liberate it. A real libertine, you know? I feel like a, like a tiny boss. Dude, it's so funny. I'm the kid in divorce court getting ready to testify who do you want to live with

yeah we did nap and Len was complaining about the chair being uncomfortable because of his butt being weird I don't have much of an ass

let's see it yeah there's nothing to see I've seen your ass it's just two pieces of toast with some hair on it that's what makes it that little toast butt it's just two pieces of toast which you know it's then there's there's no it's not texas toast or else there'd be like a third dimension yeah no it's not welsh rare bit it's a real no ass

no ass reynolds yeah lund's sitting in a little chair chair And his arms are barely on the table Meanwhile, me and Beck are in big boy chairs Because we know how to sit We're not too dumb to use a chair Yeah, I guess it was my fault I blame you I suppose

But I don't know, I've been here before Didn't have a problem Well, yeah, you know, it was the daytime You came in here with some energy and some excitement to see your old friend instead of having to do this Sisyphean task. Sisyphean. I'm with you, man.

It's tough to do two pods back-to-back. We gotta give these fucking parrots some eggs, you know? You're bringing... peeling back the curtain? Well, that's what they love. They love the little behind the green door, you know? They want to watch the brother and sister fuck in the attic. The monkey fucked mommy.

Mommy said, don't call up into the attic when it's monkey time. Mommy like it. Monkey hate it, man. The monkey don't like it what mommy do. I had to buy lighters a few days ago. Nice. It reminded me of how different it was when you were around because you have something wrong with your brain

where you think that every lighter that you touch is yours. And instead of ever double checking hey, is this yours? Or checking your own pockets for your actual lighter, you would just always pocket them. Like, I have no idea where this came from.

I'll bet you have four lighters on you. Is this yours? No. You're not even going anywhere. You're still somehow amassing lighters on you. Is this yours? No. You're not even going anywhere. You're still somehow amassing lighters. But yeah, I haven't had to buy them in so long because you've been gone. And last year at High Plains, there were the

True TV lighters in the gift bags. But there were so many of them. They were like extras or something. And Steve Vanderplug started, he thought it was a prank to keep giving people lighters, and people were getting annoyed. I was stoked. I got like 40 lighters in a

weekend for free, and so I've been using those for a year. And then I finally had to go buy, I had to go out of pocket. It was literally the only thing True TV's ever given me. It was lighters that Vanderpoo gave me second hand. They gave you the gift of impractical jokers.

They did, man. Thank God. It's not every night. 24-7. Yeah. It's like a Christmas story. Christmas Eve is just 24-8. 366.

The monkey's Santa Claus, man. He come down to check me. Monkey said I was very naughty. He wants to call it was Monkey Poop. I got a remote control car, but it's just poop with a string attached. Where's that guy from? I don't want to say anymore. Monkey steal my driver license. He

rent the car. So we almost had a show on True TV, if you remember. Yeah, here this comes. Oh, what? You remember this as being like a check in our hands.

All we had to do was sign it. Yeah. And that I ripped it up and said I'm too good for this idea it wasn't just you, it was my three other best friends too you, Bobby, and Chris it was an idea that a young man had

named Ben and he was talking to somebody at a festival, like a TV festival, New York Film and Television Festival. I was out there with him. Okay, so you guys were out there, and Ben told somebody. Well, he pitched them all of his good ideas,

and they were like, this is crap, this sucks, quit wasting my time, are you supposed to bring me my car? I'll have another jail on the rocks. Yeah, exactly. And then he was just sweating there at the table

at the meeting like uh what if uh what if what if we hid some precious items in the trash and then had four

galoots find it and go to a pawn shop and try and sell it and they were like here's a thousand dollars they were stoked they were super stoked it was gonna be

damn dumpster boys nice you know about this no you heard about this? No. You read about this? Never heard about it. Well. Nobody did.

The monkey's in the mail because, yeah. And then I was like, guys, I got some really big news for the Fine Gentlemen's Club. We're going to be on TV. And then they were like, that sucks.

You're the worst. We hate you. You're a bad friend. Quit trying to bang my sister. That's what Bobby said. It was not like a done deal. I remember it being... It was like a done deal.

No, it wasn't. Yeah. It was not. And we would have been on TV. We would have been the young and practical jokers. And we would have been, you know, headlining clubs and colleges across the country. Just like every comic that goes on New Talent Night for their intro. Oh, yeah, dude.

Regulars at Comedy yeah is such a common part of an intro and it's like yeah you fucking hang out there regularly you you've done new talent night semi regularly like that's not none of those. Ugh. Yeah. And Comedy Works doesn't even like that. Like, I thought that it was okay to say it for, like, me or you, because we are paid regular performers there. But they also took it as, like, weird to use it as a credit. And it's like, yeah, in Denver, like, yeah, if you perform there, it's good. I don't know. I thought it was helpful.

But I guess some of the people there thought that it was weird because you're promoting yourself at a different venue by saying you perform at Comedy Works. But it's like, yeah, but none of those other places are competition. I like the guys who are like, he's performed at the Ice House once. Welcome to the stage. Noah Reynolds. Yeah, that's been grinding my gears for a decade

I've taken a shit at Comedy Works more than you've ever performed there that's what I want to say to these people this guy almost had his name drawn from the bucket for thick skin two Mondays in a row this guy got kicked out for farting too loud this guy is regularly told This guy got kicked out for farting too loud. This guy is regularly told no when asked if he can hang out in the back of the room.

Alex Greasy. The Greaseman. Greasy says he doesn't listen. He says that Sarah listens to his girlfriend, but Greasy's too busy to listen. Nice. A.K.A. too busy checking his pulse and seeing if he's having a heart attack.

He's got to watch another movie from the Criterion collection. It's like you haven't seen Donnie Darko enough. I hate that movie. Do you? It sucks, dude.

Every kid in high school was like, you've got to see this movie, dude. It really cuts through the bullshit. It's Donnie Darko. Yeah, I know that there's been,

the last few years there's been a big backlash, I think because we were younger when we watched it, it was like, oh, it was good, and then you watch it more, and you're like, oh, it wasn't that good. It's for affected tweeps. It's for guanguses and bongs. The tweevos.

Yeah. It's for Johnny Mingoes, Kurt Gowdy's Chumbo's Wumbo's I haven't watched the monkey so Chumbo Wumbo man

the big body tells him he's gonna die we should just do that monkey voice the entire time yeah we could maybe have a Patreon episode

be just me and you as the monkey and the man. Monkey and around. They made a bunch of monkey movies back in the day. Remember these? Yeah, Dunstan Checks In. I'd much rather watch Dunstan Checks In or like Dunstan, you know, 12 on, what was the one? There was one where

he played a gorilla. 12 monkeys? Yeah, I was thinking 12 Angry Monkeys. They were jurors what was it 13 monkeys that fucking time travel movie 12 monkeys

starring Bruce Willis set in Philadelphia oh man that's 11 monkeys oh dude listen to the monkey oh god give me fucking

pink eye that's a myth yeah that was on Mythbusters. After dark. They're farting on pillows. What if we got to do...

What if we got to bust myths like, does pineapple make your cum taste cool? You can draw straws. Yes, I would. Start eating this pineapple. The winner gets to taste the cum we gotta we have

we have to have the pineapple cum and then non-pineapple cum the control cum the control cum and then yeah you have to decide

which one tastes like pineapple the monkey loved the cum monkey And then, yeah, you have to decide. Which one tastes like pineapple? The monkey loved the cum. Monkey woman, seconds on both cums. You have to figure out which one's monkey cum. That'd be a two-part episode when it came to jizz taste tests. You could vote. All I'm trying now... Which one's the monkey car, mommy?

You're just sucking out of that kid's mom's pussy. You get to the monkey fucks it. What? Goddamn. Uh-oh. Becker hit the deck. Whoa, we got becker we dropped him

we dropped I don't think we dropped him I think it's those muffins coming back to get us I think it's cause I farted so loud and he's dodging the stink the fart ruptured

his spleen somehow I'm gonna scream laughing in the fucking life remember remember the first time you remember when a Dutch oven once

remember the first time what that I found out about it yeah I don't remember I remember cause my uncle did? That I found out about it? Yeah. I don't remember. I remember because my uncle did it to me. It was pretty cool. What else was going on?

Yeah, well. You were in bed and you needed to cut the tension. Yeah, exactly. We were both too hard. He didn't know what to say. It was post-coital. He was like, that was weird. You know what else is weird?

Wraps the blanket around my head. No, I used to do it to Clay DeHaan all the time. That was like our thing. My best friend Clay. I'm sure it wasn't his thing. It was very much your thing. That he hated. Oh yeah, because Clay couldn't fart loud.

Couldn't or chose not to? Those poor kids who can't fart good. Too tall and thin. Yeah, exactly. He's got the thigh gap. So there's no dampening down there. Exactly. No folds to bounce off of.

Yeah, meanwhile, I bought a couple of midgets resting in a trash bag. Dude, I forgot about this. Here we go. When I was in like fourth grade, one of my friends was late to school one morning. Oh, I thought you meant... Pregnant? No.

Mr. I didn't know I was pregnant. The monkey knocked up the sister. You know, we have baby monkey sister. No, my friend Kevin was late to school, and for whatever reason, we took it as a sign of weakness. So we were all making fun of him, and I called him a homo.

Whoa. And my teacher heard, or I know Kevin got upset, so she might have seen him get upset, and then, you and then found out why and made my friends and I look up words in the dictionary, including homosexual. Oh, my God. And write out the definitions. And I tried to think quick on my feet, and I said, I was calling him that because he

was late to school, so you're a homo if you want to stay home instead of come to school. Whoa. Yeah, well, Mrs. Bryjack, I don't think she was having it. We had to look up words, and after we had to look up words. She saw right through your clever gambit. Yeah, I didn't Johnny Cochran my way out of that one. But my friend Ray, after. You always have a friend named Ray.

It's so funny to think of a third grader named Ray. Even him just kicking around. Chasing oops down the street. Sure. Yeah, I mostly hung out with three or four guys that lived in a small town. Yeah, Ray and Kevin

were probably my two closest friends. Kevin's a normal name for a child, but Ray... Like, he was a baby named Ray once. Yeah, but... He was like a toddler named Ray. Is that weird? It's great.

Sugar Ray? It's like a baby named Doug. Doug is funny as a little kid. Yeah. Yeah, I guess Ray. I could see that being... Baby Dwayne? Uh-oh, what's Dwayne up to?

Little Dwayne. Yeah. Gotta go to work at the see that being. Baby Dwayne? Uh-oh, what's Dwayne up to? Little Dwayne. Yeah. Gotta go to work at the gas station. Roscoe the baby? Oh, yeah, but Ray looked up fart, and fart was in the dictionary, and the definition was a small explosion between the legs. Whoa. Yeah.

So we got a kick out of that for sure. Of course. You gotta look up homo and fart? Yeah, it was a good day. You're like, what prize did we win? I gotta call this kid a homo more often the best day at school yeah we're finally

interested in learning this is a cool day speaking of babies dude so I forgot about this oh you ate a baby you are fat bastard I had a baby man, you ate a baby. You are a fat bastard.

I had a baby, man. The monkey was a baby. I stole Lady's monkey baby. So, no. That'd be funny. Dress the monkey up like a baby. Give it to an orphanage. Bring it to the firehouse. Something wrong with my baby.

It'll have him bite my mommy. So, no, there was, I was at Mel, my brother-in-law Mel, who happens to be a black gentleman.

We were at his Thanksgiving, me and my sister, I think Emily was there, and we're kicking around, you know, we're having fun, and then there was

this baby who showed up, this sweaty, just fucking dripping wet baby. He just learned how to walk, this little black kid and he was just first of all he's soaked so he like he under his pits yeah a little towel yeah exactly he's like a black preacher uh that's the move no so he's this little sweaty black baby and he's wearing overalls with no shirt on underneath the overalls nappy root style

no I guess he had a shirt on because I remember he had pit stains overalls that's hard to do that's a sweaty baby yeah

so this dripping baby shows up on the scene and I'm already you know having some fun I'm high as hell half tuned

yeah exactly and I was like look at this baby I'm like already giggling like oh my god it's so sweaty. Osh, kosh, ma gosh.

Yeah. And then Mel said, oh yeah, that's little Willie. I lost my mind. I had to leave the room. This sweaty little black baby in overalls named Willie. I was like, I'm out of here. That's my time, people. That's old Willie.

I grab my hat. Time to hit the road. I ask Mel about Willie all the time. It looked like he rode there on a tractor, this little kid. Right. Yeah, he had put in a whole day on the ranch. At the baby factory. Had to break in one horse, put down another.

It's been a day. Oh, that's little Willie. I was just down another it's been a day oh that's little Willie I was just like it has been a day light the cigar give me my pipe

Ethel Ethel and Willie why don't we marry babies what why don't we as adults or why don't we

allow babies to marry one another why don't we marry them get in there and marry children at six and seven in Colorado what Why don't we as adults, or why don't we allow babies to marry one another? Why don't we marry them? Get in there and be young? You can marry children at six and seven in Colorado. What? Yeah.

Shut up. All right, Becker. He's so full of shit. Yeah, he woke up to drop out. No, I'm not. I grew up with a couple of rich Korean kids whose families were still putting them into arranged marriages. And there's specific laws in Colorado about what age you have to wait to as long as it's like a arranged religious reason thing damn yeah okay well that sucks i think it does but it's religious freedom yeah i guess that's moxie moron right bill maher

religious freedom yeah but it is one of those super weird things my buddy Dale is like not allowed around his family because he turned down the arranged marriage they'd been setting up for him since he was like fucking 9 years old little Dale father of Willie

friend of Ray he got cut off the family money. Cut, don't come around here anymore. You're not one of us. Don't come around here. His dad was Tom Petty. Yeah. His dad wrote that song about him refusing the arranged marriage.

Damn, I'm sorry about Dale. Dude, shout out Dale. Is he out there? Yeah, I haven't talked to him in like 12 years, but I'm sure he's alive. He's probably dead. Dale's the name I use in my joke about an insignificant other. this is dale he's kind of a piece of shit yeah fucking dale dale's always got a hat on dale's always wearing a hat of some kind yeah dale always wants to play catch

uh i told you about that uh that little League coach I had briefly. He was a crazy man. This old guy. I told you that we practiced in privacy. Oh, yeah. Secret. Away from prying eyes. Well, yeah, and that was just before the championship game.

It wasn't like the whole season. Because they didn't want to steal your signs. Yeah, he really didn't want anybody from the other team to scout us yeah also i remember uh it was like out of a movie because the first i i played under him for two years and the first year yeah that's what you're doing on the field uh yeah i mostly played keep away i get my sweet ass away from his mouth. His mouth. He wants to eat a kid's ass.

He was ahead of the game, that's for sure. He was eating ass in 1990. But no, for the first couple weeks of practice, we had to play catch with a flat piece of wood with a strap attached to it. And that was our glove. Whoa. And it was because it forced you to trap the ball with your other hand. Yeah. Like you would with a glove.

But it's like, you know, you have to learn that to cover. And if you don't, a lot of times the ball can pop out. Yeah, two hands. So, yeah, pretty wild stuff. He was an old guy. He was like 60. He played in the Negro Leagues. Coaching a little league.

He was the first white guy in the Negro Leagues. It was a real step backward for the league. Yeah, he broke the color barrier. People were not stoked. No. He was not champion. Yeah, he was out there. Had his son on the team, you know.

Yeah, probably played first base. His son, I believe, was... No, he wasn't the catcher. I don't think he was first base. Everyone's son plays first base. Pushy gig. I remember buying... With a lot of action.

Yeah, it's great. You get all the action. My baseball team, Dan Peters, his son Alex Peters, played first base. I remember Dan Peters was like the man. He was hilarious. Again, Eric Giblets, who I spoke about before, and you said he was a liar. Giblets coached a baseball team. He also coached a football team.

He was the mortal enemy of my football team. My dad hated Eric Giblets, and Dan Peters hated Eric Giblets. Giblets coached a baseball team. He also coached a football team. He was the mortal enemy of my football team. My dad hated Eric Giblets. And Dan Peters hated Eric Giblets. I remember one time... What the fuck happened? There was some argument. And I just remember Dan Peters was on the mound with Eric Giblets. And they were arguing in the umpire.

And you just heard Dan Peters say, I don't give a fuck what he does, Giblets. And we were all like, oh, fuck. We lost our minds. I blew it once playing Little League because I was about to bat and the umpire went to go talk to the pitcher for some reason.

So I was like, out of the box, out of the batter's box, taking practice swings and somehow zoned out or something and the umpire... Hit a home run. No, I wish. Who whacked the Hit a home run. No, I wish. Who whacked the table?

I wish. No, the opposite. The umpire started walking back to home plate, and I did not realize it, and I took a practice swing and nailed him right in his elbow. Whoa. Like, hit the umpire.

Oh, shit. Like a fucking... He's probably like a sophomore in high school. Complete moron. Yeah. Yeah, he's like, you know, he's court-ordered community service, so he has to be an umpire in Little League. He's thinking about fingering.

I can't wait to get home and finger. Yeah. Yeah. He's excited about third base. Yeah. Well, he's calling balls and strikes for 10-year-olds. Yeah, what a dumb move. That's up there with the Four Lemons for me. There's Four Lemons rules. Just dumbest shit I've done. It yeah what a dumb move that's up there with the four lemons for me

there's four lemons rules dumbest shit I've done it was such a dumb the other Little League stupid thing I did was when we were

lined up to take team pictures we were outside of a city building or something you know and there was this like

no parking sign or something and everybody on the team was like oh let's sign it so everybody started signing their names and I signed my full name i like wrote my last name and after and then people were like dude why'd you put your last name the cops are gonna know that you did it

you're gonna get arrested for vandalism so i go home terrified just thinking that i've ruined my entire future before it ever started yeah you're to bindle together putting it on a stick. Like, yeah, well, this is it. I guess I'm going to have to start learning some words. Not too many, you know, just a handful. Pie, windowsill. Memorize them.

But, yeah, what a stupid... And even dumber than me being scared, or even dumber than doing that was being scared of repercussions. Like, the local cops are going to be like, revenge is ours, boys. We got a clue. They set up a dragnet. We got a last name.

Put them in the database. They have a police checkpoint at the Sonic or the Dairy Queen, wherever your little dumbass would go. We were going to a lot of Checkers. Oh, wow. Checkers is in Chicago. Wow. They got those seasoned fries, like the wild fries at good times.

The worst fries in the goddamn game. No, they're good if they're hot. Everyone loves those fries. The double-battered fries at Checkers, they suck. They're good. Look, fry a fry. Give me a shoestring.

You don't need to batter up a fry. Whoa, you like a shoestring? Of course. I'm not an idiot. But like on a sandwich, not as a fry. What didn't you understand about I like a shoestring? Of course, I'm not an idiot. But like on a sandwich, not as a fry. What didn't you understand about I like a shoestring? That it's wrong?

No, dude, look, you don't know anything, okay? Are you eating them with a fistful? Or do you eat them one at a time like a lunatic? I don't know, how do you eat 40 muffins? One at a time like a lunatic. Okay, cool, I eat a shoestring that way too. Okay. A little dip, a little mayonnaise, a little ketchup right in the mouth.

Maybe honey mustard if it's my birthday. How small? I mean, I'm talking like a McDonald's fry is like a shoestring. Okay, that's fine. I'm for that. Oh, cool. I'm glad I get a pass from Becker. No farting! You've never had a No farting in that chair. What are you talking about?

A little shoestring fry is like a I'm in the office chair. Almost like chips. You're thinking about like a french's onion that you would put on but only a fry correct? that's a shoestring or the very thin often curly I like a curly shoestring

but I don't like the curly fry that looks like a pig's tail that's well yeah those aren't always those are usually thicker than a shoestring. The monkey fucked the pig, man. Shoestring fries are like when you get those like... Don't Google it.

They're in a can. I know what you're talking about. Yes. There's a lot of different words for a lot of different things. I hope that's not what scared you liked. You were scared. Yeah, that's a maniac's decision. That shook you to your core.

Don't talk to me about weird food stuff, dude. Okay. Why don't you fill up a mini taco With some fucking fruit by the foot, alright? Go suck your own dick Oh, we haven't talked about this, I don't think But I need to know Do you guys microwave pizza rolls? No

Sam? I'm not a latchkey kid So no, I haven't had any pizza rolls in a while Well, if you eat them Do you use the oven? And do it right? No, I sit on had any pizza rolls in a while. Well, if you eat them, do you use the oven? And do it right? No, I sit on them and let them hatch like an egg. Yes, of course I put them in the oven.

Bagel bites are for the microwave. Pizza rolls are for the oven. I don't know about bagel bites in the microwave. Yeah, they were too exciting for your Bible-thumping mother. They kind of look like a gross pussy that's holding them. Yeah, they're a sin. Yeah, one's gonna fuck the bites. One can fuck the bites.

No, I just, I hear like, I think it was from running the mic at Three Kings, these fucking you know, nerds and turds would do the mic and talk about microwaving pizza rolls, and I've done it, and it is so sad. Why did you do it? There's so much worse.

Why did that inspire you? To know. Okay. Because it's like, okay, maybe. It's like when you taste your own cum? Well, yeah. Yeah. I was like, I was like.

It doesn't taste like icing. It looks like. Maybe I'm the idiot for going through the, you know, all the extra three steps of an oven. Okay. And you can just zap them in the microwave and they're fine. No, they're awful. Yeah.

They're so bad. And it just makes me feel bad for anybody who... Because these comics aren't in a hurry to go get back to night school. Yeah, exactly. They have nothing but time. And they're microwaving these pizza rolls. And really, you're setting yourself up for such a terrible experience. A lot of people don't have standards, man.

Look, if you're microwaving those pizza rolls, then you see their act, and it's shit. Then they get off stage, and they're like, I'm the funniest, everyone crushes, I'm a regular at Comedy Works. It all adds up. I guess, yeah. It's like, they don't, they know that they don't deserve the oven pizza rolls, so they

eat what they deserve. Yeah. Okay. Well, then that's okay. Then there's a little bit of self awareness i'm with you dude i don't think that's good behavior and it really pisses me off it should be uh considered like a red flag for mental health professionals because it means something's wrong at home somebody's not getting enough attention or too much attention yeah or they need to switch jobs or something because it's so bad. It's really, like I said, it's just really sad and depressing.

That is rough. To microwave a plate of pizza rolls and be like, yeah, this is good. This is what I'm going to have for dinner. This is what I deserve, man. This is who I am. This is all that I can make for myself. Yeah. SpaghettiOs.

Whoa, easy. I didn't go to culinary school. I like the guy who microwaves pizza rolls, takes a bite, and you're like, you've done it again, Evan Johnson. He's dusting his shoulders off. Count this as a win. This was a good night.

Well done, Truffs. Better text a photo of my dick to somebody. Oh. I was told that to clear up a previous blind item that Truffs

has never sent Jeff Cohen's dick as his own dick. Didn't have enough data.

A couple terabytes. His phone exploded. He didn't have money for the new plan right there's unlimited then there's the Jeff Cohen's dick plan you need a family plan with just one phone on it

but no so he said he's never done that but he is in the same swinger community or in a circle or whatever group with Jeff Cohen.

God damn it. He didn't say this, but I think what he was saying is that he has sent pictures of Jeff Cohen's dick, but not as his own. More of like a billboard for the fuck party that's being organized. It's like a draft pic that was thrown in.

Like, Truff's dick is like the fifth rounder. And then Jeff Cohen's dick is DeAndre Hopkins. Blue chipper. The red shirt. No, not a red shirt. He's starring. It's a purple shirt. He's leaving school early.

He's coming out of middle school with that thing. So yeah, I guess might as well clear that up so that people don't think there's any dick-fibbing going on. Yeah, I do apologize, Truffs. I know you're a righteous man who lives by a great moral code, so how dare I insinuate that you would send a rockin' fuckin' hog to some, you know, monkey thief. Well, yeah, and I'm glad because I do, again, I would hate to imagine a scenario where a woman has troughs come over and drops his pants and they're like, wait, that's definitely not the same dick.

She puts her glasses on. Wait a minute. Wait, put your pants back on and then take them off again. Because something's off. Wait, turn around. Okay, here's a butt pass. Yeah, she thinks maybe he brought the other dick is in his other pants. Like, oh, okay, you wore the wrong cut-offs.

What kind of fucked up orgy is that? When Truffs is the deal-maker? Oh. Oh, God. What? There's the other details we learned after that night's podcast. Oh, God. There's a quadriplegic in that sex group as well

in that Jeff and Aaron have uh yeah they've drawn and quartered someone well I heard that Jeff fucked her then she could walk again she hopped out of her chair and Moonwalked out of the pit. She crawled off the tarp and did a backflip. Yeah, well, that's gross and unwholesome. All right?

That's not what this pod's about. Back to talking about the guy who's really got them. Got. And by them, I mean the world in his hands. Ew. I was told... That quad woman. Ew. I was told... That quad woman. Right.

That's okay. Terri Schiavo deserves to get banged out too. Yeah, I mean, she's part of a group. It's something she's into. Yeah, it's fine. I've never seen Sam so upset by an idea. Just think of the schematics. Think of the blueprint on that Eiffel Tower.

There's a ramp. Shit. I forgot what I was going to say. Well, of course. Because there's nothing after that. Is it a hot shivo take? Fuck. It was.

No. Ew. Oh. All this shirt over his knees. Oh, how about this? How about those goth swinger kids

in Pensacola? What's your favorite? Oh, yeah. Sam made... Sam and I were in Pensacola years ago and there was

a show in the basement. This bar was downstairs. Was it a basement? No, it's not. The Back Porch Bar and Grill. The Back Porch in Pensacola. Connected to the Ramada right there off Osceola in Pensacola, Florida. And they have, it's a swingers bar.

And you know that because the stage is in a pit so you have to go down, it's like Kramer's apartment, it's all levels Jerry so it's like in this pit and you know, because that way everything can just, they can just drain down like an abattoir

yeah, and I don't know we happened to perform there there was like a mix-up in booking. So it was like, oh, someone got the goth swingers night in my comedy show. It was a real peanut butter and the chocolate situation. They were so perfect. The peanut butter was spread all over someone's gut and the dog was licking it off. Florida goth sex addicts.

It was like a bunch of people who didn't get in the WWF. It was an orgy of fans of the band Orgy. Yes, for sure. It definitely was. Nice one. It really was. I mean. It's 100% that.

And because goth is still like a certain look that hasn't changed much. Yeah. It was like 90s, you know, cool kids or something. Yeah, it was like adult men in chokers and then like a lot of platform boots. Yeah, yeah. Leather, sleeveless leather boots. Space boots, you know.

Fish net, yeah, fish, like mesh tops. And orgy fan orgy is like 100%. You know, people getting machine head, that kind of thing. I gotta bring it up every episode. We're gonna affect their fucking Google search results. People are suddenly

into fucking machine head for some reason. There's been a spike in machine head searches. Spotify is completely stumped. But yeah, dude, didn't they come out of the bathroom? Or no, they all came out of the bathroom or no they all came out of the bathroom or something they were i know they were all like huddled up by over by the pool table and you just yeah they were watching something happen i don't know you were just doing

just doing t-ball practice because they were so just funny looking and they were surprisingly like they weren't full of themselves probably because of the sex yeah they were like little you know love and life so when you they were like happy little show because we're about to get this quadriplegic and spinner on the twister board when you're making coins flying in for this one you you couldn't really steal their sunshine no they were they were on top of the world oh yeah they could do no wrong they had glow sticks big old

ribbed condoms and shit just fucking ready to blow there was like a 6 foot 7 freak on a leash literally on a leash he had like red hair like a gimp looking kind of sex toy I think there was actually a back door

and they came in like while I was on stage looking kind of sex toy. I think there was actually a back door, and they came in, like while I was on stage. Like seven of them come in, and I was just like, well, thank God I don't have to do my jokes. I'll look 12 minutes just walking in the door. It was awesome.

And then they didn't buy any merch or anything. I think I got wasted on Yinglings, and I'm pretty sure I cried that night. I think I got wasted on Yinglings. I'm pretty sure I cried that night. I think I wept. There were no more worlds to conquer. Exactly. Who was that, Hannibal? I saw my last sunset.

Who was that? I tasted the rainbow that night. It was incredible. I had to become death. It was incredible. I to become death it was incredible I remember crushing so hard yeah dude

and then Lund probably had to go up after no luckily I buried Lund I think I'm like 0 for 2 at that place

too cause I fucking had to I definitely I followed Stroop there I think and that was no good

oh man people were checking their watches yeah Stroop there, I think, and that was no good. Oh, man, people were checking their watches. Yeah, Stroop's doing all his local references. Stroop's doing his lap. The other thing about Joe Patty's fish market, man, look, you can't ever get enough grouper cheeks. You know, it's like, look, hey, man, it's Fish Fry Wednesday. I need some grouper cheeks. You know what I'm saying? Come on.

Your mama liked them grouper cheeks. Come on. Yeah, it was rough. I was in a pit. Yeah, you were literally in a pit. I was. There was no digging myself out. No.

I was like, hey, one time there was this orgy of goth people and you had to be there, I guess. Someone was like, do the voice. Do the monkey man. I didn't was like do the voice do the monkey man I didn't know about monkey man what the hell one does monkey man

doing Bob's burgers Bob we don't have no burgers cause the monkey ate them all monkey like the meat I take the monkey wrap it up

Listen to this though I got some breaking news Nice That's when you want the hard wooden chair Yeah that's right man Your feet are asleep but your ass has never been more alive Give me a hard plastic chair And a can of kidney beans

And I'll sing you a song Bobby reminded me in our group message not too long ago of a time when I broke a chair at Steuben's. Oh, from being too fat. From being a big fat mess. And we've

both of us have broken some chairs before. Wicker is no friend of mine. This was a good one. Because it was a chair that had like the metal, bent metal underneath. You know, not four legs. I know exactly the kind of chair. Yeah, so like a big piece of bent metal.

It's like the chair is like an L. I just blew ass. God, that's a rental chair. You're going to get fired from this office. Office Depot's not gonna take it back. Becker's really in the crossfire. He's right here. He's the monkey in the middle. I have a bunch of fish.

Eat too many skins, dude. Skins can't be digested by anything but a monkey. But yeah, Bobby and I were at Steuben's and and fucking was just sitting there and then in slow motion it started the seat just started to lower you know as the metal bent so it was like i was in a like an office chair that started to fucking literally exploded reach the

ground slowly yeah and then i just had to like tumble out of it a little bit quite embarrassing but all those girls were like damn we wanted to suck your dick yeah they were coming over with pen in hand for an autograph right flower wilted all that shrapnel took out their legs remember Ben Duncan we were playing poker well yeah so that that was pretty perfect. As you told him, he was in the right group to break a chair. Also, he shouldn't have sat in that chair. He should have knelt on the ground. There wasn't a chair in that room built for that carrying capacity.

He should have sat in his car and called in his decisions from the table. Yeah, what have I got? What are my chips looking like? But yeah, that chair exploded and then every, like me, you and yours

were like, you know, you're going to explode a chair sometimes, man. What happens? We were at the ready with similar stories

of our own. Yeah, it's like check or bet. Yeah, yeah, we did, yeah, he probably thought he was going to

have to move again. Yeah. Oh, man. But he couldn't move because I was back. Yeah, he was going to need somebody to get. Oh, man. But he couldn't move because I was back. He was going to need somebody to get him over onto his side. He had to get that gurney. Turtle style.

We have low batteries, is what you're saying. So what happens? If it dies, do we get it? We're also right at 55. Yeah, we'll still have it if it dies, but we should do plugs. Well, I remember a real quick baseball story. No! That sucked! When they're not big and they just kind of suck. Well, I remember a real quick baseball story. No, stop. That sucked.

When they're not big and they just kind of suck. I still wanted to get it out. Okay, cool. God, going to Gordy's Kennel. Not saving it for the car ride. Yeah, a real treat for the Beckman. It was like the bottom of the ninth in the championship baseball game, like seventh grade.

And we were like, oh, we got this. Dan Peters has us all rallied. He's like, we got this. You were playing baseball? Yeah, I played until ninth grade. It was a thing to do. It was fun. I was like right field, you know.

I play right field. I stole signs. It's important to know. You gotta learn how to catch. I stole signs from Blockbuster. You gotta learn. You remember that? Yeah, it's the commercial.

Pizza Hut commercial? No. I'm not. Before the Ninja Turtle. Oh, it's on the VHS. I didn't watch Blockbuster. Gotta learn. You remember that? Yeah, it's the commercial. Pizza Hut commercial? No. On the Ninja Turtles. I'm not. Before the Ninja Turtle. Oh, it's on the VHS. I didn't watch black and white TV like you guys. Oh, Ninja Turtles?

Yeah, that was before your time, you liar. Yeah, I was more of a Street Sharks guy. You were Power Rangers. That was Battle Chubb. You like Battle Chubb? Yeah. Let's do it. And the Yeet Sharks.

So, he was like, you got this, guys. And then, you know, they need one run to score. And it's like everyone's like, yeah, come on, Team Peters. And everyone's stoked. And then we get up there and Billy Johnson floats one over the middle of the plate. And Andy Quinn knocks it literally out of the park. Home run. It's like a 12-year-old.

And then as Andy Quinn's running around the bases, Dan Shaw started crying. The kid who told me to pinch my tip. Yeah. Yeah, Dan Shaw started crying. And kid who told me to pinch my tip. Yeah. Yeah, Dan Shaw started crying, and then his dad was like, stop crying! Like, while Andy's at second bass, stop crying, Daniel! That was a lot of fun. Crying's not allowed.

You know where you can cry is when you watch Hold the Phone TV. You'd be crying from laughter. Yeah. That's how hard you're going to laugh. You're going to cry. You're going to weep. You might go blind and have to lay on the ground. That's right.

You might have a fever for a little bit. If you have covid and you go blind yeah maybe go to the hospital you might lose it and steal a monkey you might go down to the zoo and be like i heard from the pod that this is the move this is a crazy thing the kids do now also south american i don't know what you guys are thinking but it's not like Belarusian. He's not from Ukraine. I was thinking, yeah, maybe a Serb. He's Bulgarian. Maybe he was Jokic.

Yeah, a Joker. I'm a man, still a monkey, now I'm a Nagi. From monkey to Nagi, dude. Jokic calls his girlfriend, girlfriend. That's fun. When he posts photos, it's like me and girlfriend. Me plus girlfriend. At Men in Black 3 premiere.

First time I've seen black men I like. Ground opening of a quiz. No. With girlfriend. No. Hold the phone dot TV. It's cool. They got all the great shows on there man check it out peep peep this shit you little pig hot tub on mondays and then they got two shows fridays hey girl with uh matt bronger and kyle canane yeah and then fun time boys yeah we're showing up

quip lash they play russian roulette whoa they play mumbly peg russian yeah last week eliza Fun Time Boys. Yeah, with Sean O'Connor. They play Quiplash. They play Quiplash. They play Russian Roulette. Whoa. They play Mumbly Peg. Russian Roulette. Yeah, last week Eliza Skinner blew her head off live on TV. The stakes have never been higher. That's crazy. For online shows.

That's crazy, man. Yeah, we've got to get viewers in. Hold the phones. Not averse. They do kind of like a Red Room where you can pay to see Kyle Kinane torture Bronger. Whatever you want to do on there, check it out. Holdthephone.tv Not Hold the Dick.

Some people have been going HoldtheDick.com and that's not where you want to go. Two different websites, man. The monkey jerk all the time. I thought a monkey would hold my phone while I jerk in a pool. He took the monkey swimming. Monkeys like to swim. Monkey hold my phone while I jog in the pool. He took the monkey swimming. Monkeys like to swim.

Monk, hold the phone while I get in this bathtub with my daddy. Daddy wants the succums. So, yeah. Don't forget about the Patreon as well. Dude, get on that fucking Patreon. We're pumping out some rad-ass shit. That shit crushes. Yeah, an extra episode of me and Sam talking about how

just monstrous we were growing up. Dude, that last one. Look, if you want to just pop in, get that one, and then, you know, write that Jezebel article, go crazy.

The blueprint. Yeah. And then we could do Troy and Caleb's podcast canceled. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, me and you can go with... We're talking about when we were younger.

We're not endorsing it. We're not saying that's how everybody should continue to live lives. We're just saying we made mistakes as young children trying to figure out the world. Five bucks gets you the bonus episode. Ten bucks gets you an AMA in the bonus episode. Twenty bucks gets you mail. All the people who got the mail, thank you for being into it.

I mean, I took a chance. Assuming that you were into it. Yeah, assuming they survived that sarin gas attack. Look, sometimes you get anthrax, sometimes you get a t-shirt, but either way, you die a martyr and a hero. Also, shout out Cameron Rau, old homie. He's on here having fun. He just followed the Chubby Behemoth.

Chubby Behemoth on Instagram. Chubby Behemoth Pod on Instagram.