Chubby Behemoth - Most Involved

Episode Date: November 12, 2020

60lb Lead Belt. Bump, Set. Toilet Beauregard.   This weeks sponsor Hold The Phone! https://holdthephone.tv/ Also, Vail Comedy Show Vailcomedyshow.com   Extra Episodes at Patreon.com/chubbybehemoth

I feel like your butt is garbage. No, look. I do have a scab in there, and sometimes it bleeds. Your ass has teeth. I wish it did. I'd be on America's Got Talent. Mr. Mandel, please hand me that cigar. If you'll notice, it has not been cut.

I put it in there. Now smoke it. Howie would not. He's a big old germaphobe yeah but uh that lady from modern family would she grew up smoking butt cigars down in columbia so she paid her rent famous yeah uh that makes me think of uh richard lewis was another big germaphobe and i can't remember who would have told me maybe lewis johnson or dr kev when you're hanging out with mort saw one of the denver legends yeah told me about how richard lewis when he did the comedy works he would be

in a limo on larimer like right out you know right at the top of the stairs to the back exit and would just be in his limo until it was time for him to go up and he would come in go right on stage do his hour and then go right back into the limo he like because i think part of his was germaphobe but also like anxiety agoraphobe yeah a lot of yeah a lot of anxieties hebephobe scared of blood, scared of a fecal phobe, I'm sure. Terrified of poopy. Clown phobe. That's honka honka phobia. If you're scared of clowns. Hey, Mr. Lewis, smell this flower.

It says flashbacks. No handshakes. Yeah, he got sepsis and got jolted by a ring buzzer the last time he shook hands with a clown. I would love to have a limo. Speaking of clowns, how about these clowns in Congress? Dude, what's going on out there? What would you do with your limo, Congressman? Oh, I'd just drive around and moon people.

I'll bet you would. I for sure would. Moonroof. Yeah, you'd pull up to like a, you know, like on Larimer, one of those nice restaurants, maybe Tamayo. And everyone's like, ooh, who's in there? And then you start playing maybe Prince music or someone who's alive, maybe. You play like Brooks and Dunn

and everyone's like, is that Brooks and Dunn in there? Listening to their own music? Are they working on a new album? Mobile? Someone alive. I was like, who cares? Yeah, you want to sell the illusion. Right, so they think that it's in there and then the window slowly rolls down and there's me with a cigar in my, and then the window slowly rolls down, and there's me with a cigar in my ass.

And I'm like, who's got a light? Who's got a light? Making my cheeks talk. But yeah, the toilet paper up here is fucking bad news. Zero out of ten? Oh, the worst. It's thinner than a Swedish hymen, as my grandpa used to say. On his birthday.

Is that a bad thing, if you have a thin hymen as my grandpa used to say on his birthday is that a bad thing if you have a a thin hymen i think it's supposed to be a put down or is he building up an entire nation i don't think you're supposed yeah i think he was it was a compliment thin hymen yeah he's like i know i used to tear through those things like kleenex well the thing i think of for mutiny, do they really want a bunch of people to spread the word that they've got killer, lush, thick toilet paper for everybody's gross assholes? It's like you're wiping with a Gildan brand t-shirt in there. Get in there. Just everybody's out on the streets. Whatever you can do, just save up a shit for mutiny.

Yeah, look, when you're out on your stroll, it rules. Look, if you're between the ages of 18 and 43, you're definitely a dog walker. Or you're driving Lyft, and those are the two jobs you're allowed to have, so just know that if you're out there in the Denver Metro area, swing on by Mutiny. They'll take good care of

your peepers and your pooper. And it's like, hey, I'm a paying customer. Hello? Mr. Norris? Hello? Hi, it's me. I invested in your small business today, right now, by buying this old Archie magazine. I made a mess in there, all right? And now I'm just a customer in your establishment walking around with shit on my hands.

Because what do you want me to do? How am I supposed to wash my hands? You want me to touch the faucet? No. And also, no, I didn't flush. All right? Because I called the police. I need evidence.

Oh, you want me to flush? You want me to destroy evidence now? That's a felony. If you'll, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, if you will focus your attention on Exhibit P. Funny coincidence, obviously, but this is my poop. And as you can see, total nightmare.

It's full of blood and fingernails because the toilet paper is so thin. Thin like the veneer of justice in this country. Your Honor, I will not be detained. I... So you went with just, like, whatever your normal amount of TP is as opposed to realizing ahead of time

oh this is this is some lightweight stuff I'm gonna have to double up my typical order no because I sneezed in there and the entire toilet paper disintegrated okay so you knew you were in trouble right away

as soon as you sat down and I've been eating cabbage rolls for two days so damn the mess I expressed was nuclear Right away. As soon as you sat down. And I've been eating cabbage rolls for two days. So... Damn. The mess I expressed was nuclear. Dr. Midnight came out of my ass. Alright? Dr. Manhattan.

You want to watch this, man? Look at this. That's no good. It sucks. So yeah, I saw that the toilet paper was very thin and I... You got on Yelp? I did, yeah. I'm going to take my business elsewhere i got on craigslist

and i was like 50 bucks to see what i'm about to do got on the chubby behemoth patreon time to take down the entire industry i let ball soup know that i was about to make a memory for him oh hell yeah that guy's active i like him yeah we get feedback from like four of our listeners yep and i appreciate it me too anybody can write us and we will maybe respond no it's easier to respond i don't like the pressure the idea that you have to respond immediately because i'm not on you know you're not paying me to check my socials well unless they are unless they're a 20 subscriber oh then i'm available i'm available 24 7 yeah, you have the direct landline. I will withdraw my penis from my wife's...

Well, I was going to say vagina, but that's an assumption. I'm going to take my dick out if a $20 patron comes calling. I will rescind my penile offering that I'm making to the gods of Pussy Town. And also, look, I've got to pull out a lot so i don't come too quick that's a bad one are you pulling out i thought you and emily were trying to no no but if you're if you're about to blow a load and you're like don't move don't say a word don't blink oh yeah no it's over oh boy get the good get the two ply that that makes me

think of a time the only time I slept with this young woman was it my sister no

was it my mom no okay let me keep guessing Drew Carey fucked your mom not me did we talk about that

I don't know I don't think we did he did apparently apparently he was laying pipe when he was at Kent State. Kent State, yeah, when my mom was there. So there's a chance.

No, your mom would have told you. No, my mom danced with... She's an open book. Who was that guy? Fuck, I can never remember his name. He was on Hollywood Squares. The host? No, no.

Tom Bergeron? No, no, not the one from when you were a kid. Oh, like Soupy Sales? Yeah, exactly. Tom Bergeron? No, no. Not the one from when you were a kid. Oh, like Soupy Sales? Yeah, exactly. It was Sid Caesar. Joan Rivers. It was Amos or Andy. I can't remember.

Jerry Stiller. No, anyway, he was one of those gay guys who wasn't out, but he talked like this. Yeah, who was that? Did Alec Baldwin do him on SNL? I think so. Inside the Actors Studio. Charles Nelson Reilly! My mom danced with him at SeaWorld in like 1975. And she was like, he's famous!

And my mom, you know, she was from Cleveland. She's never met a gay guy ever. So she was like, I'm gonna make this happen. And then he spun her, and as she was like, I'm going to make this happen. And then he spun her. And as she was turning around, he was running away to have his way with some young man. He was ditching her. He was lasciviously prancing away to go make a move on someone with some kind of skewer of chicken. Hmm, I'll have what you're having. He dips her into an open manhole in the sewer.

Hmm, I'll have what you're having. He dips her into an open manhole in the sewer. Lays her down into the back of a wagon that's attached to a bicycle that rides away. He spins her inside of a giant roll of saran wrap and shoves her over. Tries to make a mummy out of her. You couldn't make a mummy out of anything with the toilet paper upstairs. Ooh, yeah, that sounds like that would be... Sisyphean. Oh, dude, you couldn't preserve anything.

Except for the shit on your fingers. That's all that I'm saving up. So, yeah, you're fighting the urge to smell your thumb right now. No, because I did wash. I washed it. Come on! I didn't flush, but I washed. Now we're talking.

I was going to say, what, you just lied a bunch. You just lied. Oh, I'm lying now? You're the one who lies. No, you were saying how you didn't flush, but I washed. Now we're talking. I was going to say, what, you just lied a bunch. You just lied. Oh, I'm lying now? You're the one who lies. No, you were saying how you didn't flush, you didn't wash your hands, and now you're, you know, walking back half of it. I didn't vote. Who votes these days? What were we talking about before CNR?

Oh, we were talking about Drew Carey banged my mom. Drew Carey banged your mom. Oh, your mom would have told you if that had actually happened. My mom gave me a list on my 18th birthday of every dick she's ever seen. She was like, the smallest one, yours. I was talking about how... She short-shamed my mom. She blasted you.

I was saying how I slept with a girl once and blew it. Chelsea Rodham Clinton. Stop guessing. Okay. I wish. Chelsea Clinton. I like big teeth. Yeah, God. once and blew it and didn't chelsea rodham clinton stop guessing okay i wish chelsea clinton i like big teeth yeah god something to hold on to she could cut a cigar put a finger in your in your mouth you don't know if you're gonna get it back uh no but just the one time i get to sleep with this beautiful uh young lady and i share almost collapsed i came like two seconds in oh yeah and she and i told her I was going.

I was like, oh, shit, I'm going to come. She was like, don't. And I was like, what do you mean? What? It's too late. Yeah. It's over. I'm coming right now.

I'm talking normal because it's, you know, it's not true that you have to go. You dropped your accent. You used to pick her up. Right, yeah. The facade was gone. No. I'm coming in here. Hey, mister.

It sucked. And for some reason, you know, typically, I'm sure you've done this where when you do that, you blast the embarrassing load. You're like,

ooh, later tonight. You know, you smoke a bowl or something. Well, yeah, it doesn't usually happen. But I've had the double dip be a redemption song. Yeah.

But this was not the case this time. I don't know if she had to go home. It was past curfew. Her PO was calling. She had to go piss. Her mom picked her up. But yeah, that was the only encounter. And so it was just F.

Maybe F plus. Because it was like, ugh, maybe a minute. And it was like, ugh, sorry a minute, and it was like, ugh, sorry. Yeah, it sucked. Three pumps. I'm more of a relationship guy, so that I have, you know, we're on this ride together, baby. Yeah. And it's not always going to be a home run, but...

For sure. I'm going to get on base a couple times. I got a good eye. Yeah. I'm going to need Tommy John surgery, because all the fingering I'm doing, because I keep coming so much. Exactly, yeah. It is funny that I'll get you later this month.

Yeah, that's how you get a second date. You're like, oh, that was awful, but memorable. Maybe next time. And then they're like, why would there be a next time? You suck. Your ride's here. I called you an Uber while you were coming. Get out of here.

Yeah, that was no good. You hop back on one of those old-timey train carts where you gotta push it up and down. All aboard! One time in college, I was hanging out with this girl. She was a senior in high school. I was a freshman in college.

She went to the same high school I did, but she was visiting Reno. Forbidden fruit. Well, a year younger. Who cares? But slightly forbidden. No. Not at all.

It's like a kumquat. Six months difference or whatever. Like, ooh, God. Whoa. We're so naughty. Feels good to be bad. So she expressed interest. I was like, oh, nice.

And she had, like, a party to go to. So my friend took her to the party. It was a Chuck E. Cheese. I'll call you later. She had soccer breakfast. It was a pool party at the Y. So she, but she, like, let it be known that she was down to clown. I was like, oh, hell yeah.

But then I had, like, three hours, and I got wasted. Of course. So then we meet back up, and my dick is completely useless. It's at the pawn shop. The thrill. All the excitement turned into drinking energy and then I was just a mess. Well, you were probably scared too. There's that trepidation of you're like, oh, it's going to happen.

Oh, fuck. I'm going to blow it. I better drink an entire handle of Kraken rum. I know what you're saying. It wasn't that. It was more like, oh, fuck, I'm going to blow it. I better drink an entire handle of Kraken rum. I know what you're saying. It wasn't that. It was more like, oh, hell yeah, I don't have to worry about it. She knows who I am. She knows I'm cool.

She knows my history, varsity quiz, volleyball, senior class president, yearbook award for most involved. Most involved? Yeah. Which is the dumbest of all. God. They had to change that from teacher's pet because all the suicides. Big Most involved? Yeah. Which is the dumbest of words. They had to change that from teacher's pet because all the suicides.

Biggest nerd. Yeah, biggest queeb. Most involved. Oh, yeah, it sucked. It was because I was the senior class president and I did the assemblies or whatever.

No, it was because you weren't funny enough for class clown. You weren't handsome enough for, you know, man babe 20 21 or whatever it was yeah most involved okay yeah it sucked yeah that's a bummer but she knew what she was getting yeah and i was i was i thought i could coast and have some freaking pitchers of beer

at the pub and sub right and yeah my dick like barely worked it was very embarrassing your dick was on strike my dick was sending a pinkerton my dick was like you did not prepare for this at all i'm drunk i'm tired i want to go to bed put on tommy boy also you just jerked off what do you want from me i wish it might have helped if i would have had if i would have shown the dick this is what we need you to do. Get hard for a little bit. Can you watch some game tape? Game tape?

Of her fucking... I have never... Oh, no. Didn't have any tape on her. Yeah, you... Didn't have any tape on me. I've never... You dust off one of those newsreels.

A bunch of dust flies off of it. It's just in. My dick. Into Eleanor Roosevelt. Victory declared in Europe. World War II is almost over. Also, your dick is broken. But yeah, that sucked because I knew

that she's going to go back to my high school, my alma mater, and let everybody know that I'm a freshman in college with erectile dysfunction. And my friends all knew because they were like like, in the common room. Oh, God. And I had to, like, borrow a condom.

And then I had asked for a second one. Oh, no, dude. Yeah. It was all bad. You can't go back to the buffet. I did. I was like, hey, I was like, hey, I put it on, and then my dick wouldn't work. And for some reason, I think she wanted a new, a fresh one.

It's like, come on, this one didn't get used. Well, it lost the flavor. It's like gum. So yeah, I had to go get another one. They called me Ed for a while. Erectile dysfunction. ED! They called me Ed. Whoa while. Erectile dysfunction. ED! They called me Ed.

Whoa! So that was fun. Special Ed. Crank Jankers. Set the height of its popularity. So yeah, that was me. Oh, fuck, man. That's brutal.

I'm sorry. It sucked. And also, running out there in your little undies, like, hey, man, I need a condom. It's a pretty cool move. Everyone's like... The first time, everybody's stoked. Everyone's like, look. They're like, crank it. They're like whispering.

Like, yeah, yeah, get a piece for me, daddy. Give me a little bit of old sin. It's like they all got laid until I had to come out a second time. Yeah, they're all warming their hands at that trash can. Yeah, okay. Well, we'll save some mulligan stew for you. Give her a pump for Eugene V. Debs. Go Wolfpack, baby.

Wolfpack Nation. Ow! Ow, ow! I was a macho man. My friends were X-Pac and National. Yeah, no, it was no good. Then you have to come back out, though, and you're like, uh...

Hey, Andy, can I talk to you real quick? No high fives tonight, fellas. No. Yeah, it was dumb. Hold up. You're carrying a briefcase. All the condoms are in it. She's not in here, I promise.

So you had to walk out through a common area with her after you disappointed her? No, because I think she slept. You just threw her out the window? I think she slept in the dorm, in my bed. Oh, God. Do you try and wake up and have a little retribution? No. I think what happened is my roommate was gone,

so we had two, and they were those tiny dorm beds. So instead of shoving into mine, I think I slept in my roommate's bed. And then I think she bailed at dawn. Yeah. She snuck out. She woke with the sun and the birds. Yeah. I think that was the case.

Was she a reverse vampire? She couldn't be underneath the gaze of the moon? She was a human woman, I believe. She existed. I think she was Polish-Irish? Oh, no. Human? No lycanthrope? She wanted to get drunk, but she couldn't open the bottle.

Oh, Polish-Irish conundrum. Yeah. She thought she was peeling a potato, and she just flattened a football. Her dad died falling out of a tree. He had one arm. Somebody waved at him. He was writing a poem up there. Here's one.

Here's my yearbook. I won, of course. Coolest. Most likely to be remembered. And also... What? Yeah. Most likely to die in the next six months.

Yeah. Most likely to try and race a train at Dead Man's Curve? Yeah, what is that? Most likely to be memorialized forever with a brick in the new school building? Sam Talent, 85, 2000. Most likely to be remembered. It was me and Melanie Pfeiffer, who was the best. I remember one time she was trying to make this kid jealous,

so she was like, let's go upstairs. And then instead of being, like, you know, gentlemanly or suave, I just played her butt like a bongo, and she immediately walked back downstairs. Oh, damn. Yeah, I was like, I got this. She was just a giant, juicy peach of a rump. Before it was cool, too.

Yeah, all right. But yeah, and she was like, I, juicy peach of a rump. Before it was cool, too. Yeah, all right. But yeah, and she was like, I was a hipster for butts, is what I'm saying. Yeah, you were the first person to see a butt and be like, oh, mama like. Ooh, a little South of the Border action. Nobody knows about this. But a lady's butt, pretty cool.

Hey, fellas, hear me out here. I know we've been talking about cans and, you know, elbows, but there's a whole different scene going on in the underground. Around the corner, a boner is made. Because that's a cool butt right there. Yeah, I think I played her butt and I did the sax man song. Wee, a butt butt, ay, woo. She just scattered back downstairs.

But she was an angel. Just not a word. Just leaves. Yeah. Just gets up and walks out. And you're just left looking at your palms like, did I hit him too hard? What? Are the cheeks sensitive?

What have I done? Wait, so I just take out a notepad i'm like they can feel on their cheeks but bongo maybe a no-go workshop but bongo i shouldn't offer her a cigar so no i also won should have been a couple with a girl that i was in love with and professed my love to over and over and over again from like sixth grade onward i asked her to prom in front of everyone at an assembly and she said of course you're my best friend like very loudly from the bleachers oh yeah yeah yeah she hit me with that from the bleachers as she came down. Smart thinking.

And gave me, like, a side hug in front of the entire student body. Yeah, shakes your hand. Gives me daps. Sounds like a good time, friendo. Oh, wow, pal. I'll have to see if my boyfriend wants me to go. Yeah. He's online.

He says, if you're paying. Yeah. Yeah, she was dating her cousin in Kansas. Damn. Yeah. I wrote a bunch of songs called Burning Kansas in all my high school bands about how much I wanted to kill this guy.

Her, like, second or first cousin. I don't remember. It was a different time. But, yeah, so we... It was the late 90s. We didn't have all these rules, you know? We weren't all stuck up about our sexual proclivities. This was when the family tree was a solid start for your romantic ideals.

Yeah, I mean, I would be like, I don't want to say her name. Don't say it. I won't, but she would be like, I'm going to Kansas this weekend. And I'd just be like, oh, cool. Give my regards to Topeka. Oh, good. Just punching my thighs under the table. That's too bad.

It was terrible. But we won, should have been a couple. And I remember she did not celebrate that victory. Yeah, well, why did, Oh, because you were friends. Yeah, because we were like best friends. We hung out all the time. And they were like, oh, yeah, they should get it on. Yeah, and then I would be like, you know, I'd drop her off,

and I'd just drive home crying while listening to Sublime. It was a classic 2004 moment. It's like, why would she want you? Bad fish, too. Why would she want you? I have that exact same thing. Well, similar thing. I was dating Jessica Magro.

Of course. I mentioned earlier she made me feel cool because she was very cool. She and I... This was after you dated Mushroomhead Girl. Marilyn Manson Girl. Excuse me? Yeah, Marilyn Manson girl took my virginity. Mm-hmm.

She was my first... She held it over your head, too. First real relationship. I dated another girl named Annie for, like, literally a week. My cousin Annie? She just got engaged.

No, there's a different Annie. Oh, okay. Two Annies, interesting. We lived near one another, and she expressed interest first and I was like, oh shit, this is great. We hang out for like six days and then she dumped me

and I was like, oh, this is fucked. So I move on, date Marilyn Manson girl, she takes the virginity, I go down on her by thinking that I need to penetrate her with my tongue. Oh no. For oral,

because almost all of my porn is scrambled. So I'm not even getting bad intel from porn, I'm getting nothing. So I'm down there like, alright, the dick, you know. The dick clearly goes in the armpit. Yeah, the dick goes through the foyer and gets as far into the living room as it can. The dick is clearly on friends. So yeah, I, uh, yeah, I'm like trying to, she's just like, I'm sure just planning all

the guys she's going to cheat on me with. Sure. Because she realizes I'm a 15 year old idiot. As you were trying to put the lizard under the rock. I'm going to make her cum. Is this working for you? So yeah. But then Jessica and I are together.

We go on a class trip to Catalina Island, where David Rodriguez is from. That's right. I went there. You know, scuba diving, hikes, whatever. Sure. With biology class. Yeah. Should have been a zip line, but you were over the weight limit.

I know how it works. Oh, I wish. I was surprised I could get into some neoprene. I was worried. What's neoprene? The scuba. Oh my god. I got a story for you. Go ahead. But anyway, so Jessica and I got into a fight in Catalina.

She broke up with me, and the bus ride home, I cried while listening to How's It Gonna Be by Third Eye Blind. Oh, fuck. The only thing that could have been worse than you could have said right there is Tonic Lemon Parade. Why you gotta be so fucking mean to me?

Also, Tonic Lemon Parade, the first CD I ever bought. All right. Yep, I was in San Diego, right by you. Yeah, the first CD I ever bought. All right. Yep, I was in San Diego right by you. Yeah, get in there, baby. Yeah. Cradle of civilization. And my dad was like, you can have whatever you want in here.

And it was literally the CD that was on the desk when we walked in, in the CD shop. And I was like, I want that one. And he was like, God damn it. My dad, who was super cool, he was expecting me to get like a Zappa, like B-sides. Yeah. Instead I was like, lemon parade, daddy. Happy. What were you going to say about neoprene?

I went scuba diving exactly one time in Hawaii with my wife. Yeah. And it was hell on earth from top to bottom. One of the worst days of my life. There we are on the boat with a bunch of really hot New Zealand girls and really hot Australian guys. And they hand out the scuba suits to everybody. And then the lady opens up a trunk. And she's like, we got this one brought in from...

She said it. She's like, we got this one brought in from Big Island, brah. Big skin for big sausage. And I was like, oh, good. So I have a specially made suit, much like my special chair in first grade. Listen to the Patreon for the best episode ever. So yeah, then I got to get in this thing. And Emily literally is trying to...

It's like she has to hold the lapels, because I can't get the zipper up over my gut. So she's like, all alright, get on your knees. So I get on my knees in this boat in front of just like, you know. Oh, on the boat. On the boat in front of like, you know, caramel skinned, just beautiful people who like live on a surfboard and you know, only eat turtle meat.

And she's stepping on my chest with her foot as another person is zipping it up from the bottom and Emily's trying to seal it and then she gets it over my gut and it's just my tits and they're all squished together i look like uh i look like a fucking ex-woman you know what i mean yeah i look like yeah i look like jean gray great cleave yeah speaking of cleveland you got some cleave ledge going on so there i am and then eventually they seal my tits in.

Just a tit balcony. It was insane. Quite the ledge. People having a cup of coffee out there. Oh, yeah. Overlooking some nice vista. Over the Seine, yeah. It was like, there was boulevardiers holding hands.

Oh, yeah, you're in Hawaii, so we don't have to say a different punched-up version of, like, paradise. You were in paradise. You were in heaven. Yeah. Too fat. To fit. Too fat to fish. And then. That's already lying.

That is. This was, you know, some guy came over, licked his finger and stuck it down my tits. That's right. So finally we've sealed in. We're good. We get in the water. It's time to go under. We have the tank supplied supplied i can't go under

because i'm too buoyant so i'm holding up everyone at this point too because they're like yeah just try and paddle down i just keep like flipping i'm like an egg in a dishwasher emily is above me with this like really hot scuba guide this chick who was from new zealand they're both trying to push me down and i'm like sitting indian style in the water it's like they're sealing me in a tomb like a some kind of elder god like they're feeding cthulhu yeah half hoping that you just drown so they can have a nice time that's right everyone pulls the tube out of my tank so it's you in the head with it yeah so then i can see all these like people like there's Have a nice time. That's right. Everyone pulls the tube out of my tank.

Hits you in the head with it. Yeah, so then I get to see all these people. There's turtles and coral. Meanwhile, I keep rising up. So they're like, okay, I know what to do. We'll put a weight belt on you, and that'll help you sink. They load you up with bars of gold. We've got to hide this so

so we get back on the boat and they put a weight belt on me and I'm like alright cool this is gonna work great I get in the water start to go down the weight belt slips down me and falls off so then I see

the weight belt tumbling down as I'm rising back up. Now you've lost their weight belt. It's like 60 pounds of lead. They can't bring it back up. Again, I'm holding everyone up.

So the lady's like, look, I have another one of these at like two. Look, here's a gun. Go back to your hotel room. Go lose the deposit. I just almost passed out. My guy got lightheaded. So there, she's like, here's what we're going to do.

I'm going to go take these people on their scuba trip. I'm going to let some of these people have a nice time. Right, so she was like, here's a snorkel. Why don't you just swim by the boat while we're gone? Here's a snorkel, bitch. It was totally the Lisa Simpson, I have a ball. Would you like to bounce it situation. So she just leaves me by the boat and Emily's like, do you want me to stay with you?

And I'm like, no, go scuba. And before I even say scuba, I see her flippers. She's down there. She had a magical time. And I just have to fucking float face down by the boat for like 45 minutes you know it was hell dude it was not a win that day because i was so stoked because i was like floating down all right cool weight belt just slowly flips off of me you finally think that you are done yeah with all of the shitty is this gonna happen feel like is, feeling, just feeling like you're holding everybody up.

Ruining everyone's vacation. Yeah. And then you finally think that you're done, that you're okay. Mm-hmm. Oh, man. It's because I was so packed into that suit. I didn't have any curves. Yeah, you needed, yeah.

I didn't have any hips. My butt was flattened. No belt loops. Well, yeah, and they should have tightened that shit up. They should have put it Bandolero style. Yep. That would have been the move. You needed two.

Yeah, exactly. Like I'm going to the Alamo to kill Davy Crockett, but no, just on me. Oh, you're doing it. Cool. Float back up. Look, man, you're too fat to scuba. They charge you extra for the lead. Yeah.

That lead does not come cheap from Thailand. So, yeah, that was our vacation. When was that? Before you got married? It was right before we got married. We went up there in March because that was when she had, like, spring break off or whatever.

Man. It was nuts, man. Pretty good. Real good. Real good time uh i went to uh mexico for a wedding cozumel and everybody wanted to scuba i had no interest because i just was scared of all the things that could go wrong yeah so i didn't do it and i snorkeled and had a great time but i also like didn't have sunblock on and snorkeled for like three hours yeah so i had a great time, but I also didn't have sunblock on and snorkeled for like three hours.

So I had a couple days of torturous... Luckily, the wedding attire was like... I was in the party and we were wearing this linen shirt. Thank God. Yeah, yeah. There was no layers or anything. So I lucked out because, oh man, that shit was burnt to a crisp your back just looks like the hood of a car it was fucked yeah went through a whole bottle of aloe in like two days

and uh i was just jerking off well yeah i couldn't go do any of the activities so yeah i got the room all to myself it's in the room in the via but yeah that was uh not as bad as it could have been because for once i tried to do something to help my situation yeah and so i kept having people help get some aloe on there and it didn't like it didn't turn into one giant pus bubble yep uh and look like a ninja turtle villain. It was painful, but yeah. Pus bubbles here. Yeah. It still sucked, though. Of course.

It still felt very stupid because, again, I was snorkeling and I was like, oh, this is great. I'm in like three feet of water. Yeah. It's like, this is great. And then, yeah, I'm getting scorched on my entire back and shoulders. You know what? I don't even think that that thing in Hawaii was my worst beat in Hawaii. I had an even worse loss in Hawaii.

Let's hear it. I was on... Give it to me. I was on the Big Island, and there was this local guy who was like, let's go to this Black Sand Beach Bra. Big Bra, good green bottle beer,

go to the beach, man. You'll love it. Big ting. Irie. He was like... This guy was from all the islands. Yeah, exactly. Jamaica, Haiti.

New York. Trinidad. Hey, you want a bagel? Staten Island. I love Trump, man. So we get there, and it's the beautiful... We have to hike down a cliffside, and I'm worried I'm going to die the entire time. Then we get down there. It's the beautiful, we have to hike down like a, you know, a cliff side. And I'm worried I'm going to die the entire time. Then we get down there, it's black sand beach. Uh,

there's a bunch of Asian kids playing. Um, and he's like, all right, we're going to go out here and we'll snorkel past this first wave. Hey bro, we're going to go back to the big water, go face down, sunny side. Yeah. Shoots. So, uh, I'm like, i'm like all right whatever man i don't understand a word you're saying but i like the way you say it and we get out past the we get into the water and he's like all right we're gonna get past this first wave and then we'll just float and it'll be great and i'm like all right cool and then i hear him say oh shit dive and i'm like, what? He disappears underneath this massive wave. I get smacked, destroyed. And when I do eventually surface, the hat that I was wearing, my glasses, my wedding ring, and my swim trunks are all gone. I'm completely nude.

And I have been spun. And the waves keep coming. I look like I was just fresh born. I'm like a Terminator, you know? The waves keep coming, and they don't stop coming. No. That's Smash Mouth. Yes.

So I just keep getting battered by waves, and I'm completely nude against black sand. I couldn't look any more white. Yeah, there's no blending in. No, yeah. Like a regular beach. Yeah. You'd have a little bit of cover. And I can No, yeah. Like a regular beach. You'd have a little bit of cover.

And I can't see anything. I'm blinded. There's a helicopter tour overhead. The World Wildlife Fund comes and tries to shove me back in the water. The WWF shows up. It's like Macho Man. Protect him. It's even better if it's Scott Armstrong yeah hell yeah

deep cut it's Chavo so yeah I'm nude being battered spun around and I'm bleeding now because I've been put on these like all these you know it was rocks and stuff and then there's just a bunch of Asian children watching me completely nude and I can't move because i don't want to expose myself so i just have to lay with

my dick in the sand as i'm getting destroyed by waves over and over and over again your dick gets eroded it's natural natural mutilation I'm just a braided so and then I see I look out and I'm like help Brian

and I look and he has my hat on and he's like well he finds my trunks thank god what yeah

because once you got past that first wave it was nothing it was just calm sweet water and then he brings me my shorts and I put them on

and my dick hurts and I'm bleeding. I don't have my glasses or my wedding ring. And I'm in Hawaii for two more days not being able to see. Yeah, you're pretty blind, right? Yeah, for a white guy. You can't see without your glasses? Yeah.

Like Macaulay Culkin and my girl? Can't see anything. How many fingers? Well, why don't you take your glove off? I'm making a fist. Nice try. That's a foot, sir. I played handy footy before.

So yeah, just go to Hawaii and get destroyed. That is, man, I don't know. Those are both wonderful. It was awesome. For me. Of course. Obviously horrible for you. It was horrible for those Asian kids.

Yeah, horrible for everybody. Yeah, they're like, Godzilla! The scuba people, the children, everybody either scarred or annoyed. And you know they haven't forgotten about it. That's what I hate the most, is thinking about those Asian kids. The laughs that they all get from telling the story of this giant idiot that they saw. Right. Every, like, you know, every boxing day in Australia, there's just four beautiful guys who have a great story to tell around the campfire.

We, in college, we drank at a bar uh cars bar and uh one of those things i think you've talked about where we went there for so long and then we celebrated our 21st birthdays there and they're like wait what hold on hold on for one more we could have gotten them shut down like every weekend for two years. But you know, solid trade-off because we didn't shut them down. We spent all that money. The money was real. The money wasn't underage. It all spends the same, brother.

We hung out with a few guys from New Zealand there. And then some people from Ireland also hung out there. The Irish people worked. I don't think any of them were going to school. They all worked construction or something. Was there a railroad being built?

They were dismantling the railroad. I see. It was kind of a, all right, the Chinese people have this legacy. We're going to go ahead and get rid of that. We were slaves too, mate. Yeah, yeah, the Irish, yeah. They were making a memorial for the get rid of that and we were slaves too mate yeah yeah the irish yeah they were making a memorial for the other side of the of that argument but yeah they were both wild because the irish the irish uh crew drank they both could drink yeah the irish uh would

just get fucked up and stay and just talk and uh the kiwis eventually wanted to fight. And not us. But it was just whoever was in there that started to be assholes got their shit pushed in by these Kiwis. They were tough as shit. Yeah, they're scary people. They would not care about numbers. Or one time, one of the guys went out to his car

and got a pipe or something. And these Kiwis didn't give a fuck. And we didn't even have to like jump in or help we would just hang out once they were done bashing somebody's head in it was wild time yeah you're just doing commentary like joe rogan by the cage you rocked him yeah we were we were having a real good time. Oh, great liver punch. Floating rib. Just saying, body parts. Both groups of people were fun to hang out with because we were friends with them. That's good. I like hanging out with foreigners.

Yeah, a little perspective. Yeah, just realize how small the world is. This little marble, you know? We had a lot of exchange students from Japan. And one time there was this young lady. I can't remember what her name was, but she misspoke in class. And she was like, hee hee, I make mistake. And everybody laughed. Everybody loved it.

It's got to be weird where everybody is into giggling at everything that you say because it's not perfect English or whatever. Stupid. I asked her out and she did not. No shit. No interest. Of course not, dude. You're not why she came here in that shipping container. I make mistakes.

No one laughed. This was on the phone. I was like, what do you think? We could go out maybe? She's like, I don't think so. Okay, never mind. Wait, is this Nathan? Oh, of course not then.

No, no. That would be very dishonorable. My ancestors would be in hell. I would not be able to return to Japan. I would be worthless over there they hit her with some kind of meter when she gets off the plane in Nagasaki beep beep

oh are you with land yeah you have been sullied you have been sullied by an American wang the worst wang. How many condom does he use? Did you listen to Shinedown while jizzing? Also, shout out to Chris Pierce for sending us a bunch of songs that we can't play on here.

Save it for the page. Oh, by the way, I got a fun song. Shout out to whoever's shouting next door to us hopefully it doesn't get picked up yeah this guy next door is uh just fucking burning through wizard magazine taking a break trying to figure out how much this aquaman's worth whoa first appearance of submariner uh which i called submariner forever because it makes a lot more sense because he lives underwater. I think it's Submariner.

Like the baseball team? Like the song of the Mariner. Yo no soy marinero. I prefer Arribiata. You know what's funny is for no reason I looked up Richie Valens. And you think of Lou Diamond Phillips because of the movie La Bamba. Richie Valens was 15 or

something, but he looked like a 50-year-old bricklayer. He had a face like an old boxer. It was so weird. Like Steinbeck wrote a story about him. Yeah, yeah. There was a whole ... His face told a tale as old as time. It was insane i started dying he's grotesque because

yeah you see uh or like you know j-lo played serena but serena was pretty sure blue diamond films though or selena not serena jesus well i thought you're talking about the tennis biopic yeah j-lo j-lo did blackface just cast the ass first um well cgi the rest yeah uh yes uh selena was uh pretty and then j-lo sim you know similar whatever not not completely insane for j-lo to portray her lou diamond phillips is you know gorgeous especially whatever 1990 that's gorgeous. Especially whatever, 1990. That's like if they had Chris Pratt play you. Richie Valance himself just looked like he took a shovel to the face. Yeah, looked like he fell asleep in a cactus bush.

He was... See, I got a good laugh out of that. He's just eating rocks. I think I looked up the song Donna, because I kept singing it about my dog Mama, and I would sing it. And so I looked up the song Donna because I kept singing it about my dog Mama and I would sing it. And so I looked it up. La la la la la la la Mama.

What about that one? That wouldn't work. They're not ready for that one. But yeah, I looked them up and I was like, holy cow. They should have had fucking Luis Guzman. No, the timing wouldn't have worked out. Luis was too young. But yeah, it was a good laugh.

Nice job, Hollywood. Well, you know, they're trying to whitewash all the time. They're trying to pretty wash. They want everybody to be gorgeous. Gorgioso. What happened to character actors? What happened to real portrayals of people, everyday people that work hard? I would have to have John Carroll Oates play me in any movie.

John Carroll Lynch. Oh, yeah. Nora's brother. They just put a wig on him. He's great. He rules. He's in Fargo. He is. Yeah, he's Margie's husband. What's his name? I conflated

John Carroll Lynch and Joyce Carroll Oates together. That's what happened there and Joyce Carroll Oates together. That's what happened there. Joyce Carroll O'Connor. Yeah. Yeah. The poet of... Never mind.

Ouch, my tongue hurts from biting it. I got a song. I, I, I have become dumber than Lund There's a good one Whoa nice That's good right Yeah I like it

Cause it was melodic So I'm like Ooh this is This is pleasant But then boom Burn Spike Got my ass

Bump set Fucked you in the ass How's your little hole Let me see if I can Fit another hand in there I'm a backdoor specialist You're a backdoor slam i'm a sure thing what do you got in your pocket taffy what are you digging around for i was trying

to clean the pocket of my hoodie for one second out of there god can i live my own life no no one cares what's in that hoodie pocket should we talk about how no how ridiculous we look that was a lot we look like rejected m& laugh. We look like rejected M&Ms. For Easter. Like the Easter bag. I come walking to let you in to the gate to my courtyard. Compound. The compound, yes. Where the militia trains.

I had to get that retinal scan and then the Secret Service member patted me down. That's right. I have a private security team.atted me down. That's right. I have a private security team. Senior class president. That's right. You get a detail for the rest of your life. Where's mine? You got to sign up for it.

They don't just give it to you. Yeah, it's free, but you have to sign up for it. I took the free Quiznos instead. It might be too late now. Yeah. I took the mystery box. You didn't read the other side of the coupon. Yep. But, yeah, I am wearing this ridiculous, like, neon blue...

Aquamarine, maybe? T-shirt, yeah. Teal, like a light teal. Azul. Robin's egg. Azul is just blue in Spanish. Interesting. I don't think it's a shade of blue.

Damn. Azul. That shaman lied to me. But, yeah, this is very much like pastel, whatever. You make fun of me. Okay, nice shirt. Meanwhile, you are wearing a bright-ass, happy Easter morning pink Nike sweatshirt. This is a 4XL crew neck.

I couldn't be more vivid. No, no, this is real, dude. This is how I celebrated Biden's win. You treated yourself to some Nike sports apparel? I did. I was rummaging through a drawer trying to find bullets for the gun I was about to put in my mouth and pull the trigger. Because you lost your president? My president didn't make it in, yeah.

Oh, Captain My Captain? This was early, too. This was after New Hampshire went for Biden. I was like, ah, I can't live this way. So yeah, I found a Nike gift card and bought three of these. What are the other colors? They're all pink. You did 4XL, 3XL, 2XL, because you have a weight loss plan and you're sick of it.

But you want to look fly the whole time? No, man. You know, back in the day when baggy clothes were in for a while? Yeah, when butts in baggy clothes were the new shit. Yeah, when girls were hiding their butts under JNCO stovepipes. Oh, God. See a girl in a pair of JNCOs with a baby doll shirt on?

Everyone's coming. I'm gonna need four condoms. Bring that dinner bell, mama. But yeah, dude, it was really hard to find baggy clothes for a boy of my proportions. You're telling me, man. I didn't have a special chair, but I had similar circumstances.

Just a life of fear. I was lucky that I grew up with most of my friends, and there weren't new kids that got to work their way to the top of the heap, because I would have been fucked. Oh, you were. I was wide open. My mom makes my pants. I talk like a little idiot. I talk like Ditka. But we all sounded like that then.

When I moved to Nevada, I was prone. I got bullied. You lived on that reservation. No. Yeah, you were right there at Indian Mound or whatever. No, no. Owl Pellet. We were in Henderson, the heart of Henderson.

Oh, man. What the fuck? But yeah, constant fear as the new kid. And I got bullied, and it sucked. Yeah. Danny Moppen hit me up because he saw that you had he-him in your Instagram name. Yeah. And he was like, is that necessary?

I was like, yeah, it's like Harry and the Hendersons putting he-him in his bio. Listen, that was because... John Claude Van Damme, he-him. No. This is what it is. And Danny, if you're listening, maybe get a piece of paper and a pen. As Megan said, you should put it in your bio. I said, it's very much obvious that I live the life of a assigned male at birth.

Yeah. But she said, it's not about that. It's about getting rid of the... Doubters? The haters? No, no. It's to make it so that if we all did it, then it wouldn't be obvious that everyone who did it was trans or non-binary.

It wouldn't just be those that that are that have transitioned. So if we all did it, it would get rid of some of the stigma. So there wasn't an argument against that, so I did it.

Okay. I thought that immediately you were going to call and start laughing. Of course, why would you do that when you can savor it and hang out online with your, our supposed mutual friends and rip on me. No, it's not about me. Sharpie also had a little giggle about it, too. Not about me. It's not about me. Sharpie also had a little giggle about it, too. Not about me. It's about getting rid of this stigma. Shadow of doubt.

The only people that do it are those that have a different story to tell. I have my pronouns in my bio. It says Sam Talent, truck slash month. Those are my pronouns. I want to have fun with it. You can't. Megan, well,

Megan was right. She was correct. She, uh, and then, you know, I didn't think of it as, I hate the idea of anybody thinking that I'm trying to like be performative,

which I'm sure you think you fucking asshole. I didn't bring it up. Oh, he's so performative. No. He's so woke, but he's not really. He's the worst. I stand sure you think you fucking asshole. I didn't bring it up. Oh, he's so performative. No. He's so woke. But he's not really. He's the worst.

I stand with you. I know it's your fight. You know? I know you're going to throw your ring in this hat. That's what I'm saying. It should not be seen as that at all. Some people are doing it to get laid or whatever, to get booked. But I am not at all.

It was because Megan made it a good point that if we all did it, it would speed up the normalization of it or it would get rid of some of the otherness that trans or non-binary people can feel. I think we should put our skin color in our bio too. Shut up. Well, if we're trying to get rid of the other,

you know, everyone lists their skin color, and it's like, okay, cool. I get it now. Yeah, you can finally claim your mestizo heritage that you love to talk about. Excuse me, chorizo heritage. So greasy. Yeah. Also, I don't know if you guys, if this guy behind me who's running a livestock auction

is picking up in the mic. Yeah, is it time to talk or time to listen? Because this fucking guy is not letting the other person on the call get a word in no he keeps saying i'm almost there i'm almost there oh he's paying for it yeah say it again nice one of my favorite jokes of all time was from rest of development where george michael answers the phone and he says talk you off of what grandpa oh yeah very good joke yeah there's a million of those and that is uh an argument for watching something more than a couple times because with good stuff there's a lot of uh stuff that you don't catch the first time that's right if

you're on your phone if you're trying to finger somebody you're gonna miss some of that goal baby if you're playing speed chess at the park. Get back up in those hills. Get your waders on. And get in that water, man. Because, yeah, there's some nuggets. We watched The Queen's Gambit. What's that?

Show? She-Her. Netflix? Gambit is he, him. The Queen is she, her. Well, I think Gambit actually is they Gambit mutants I guess yeah

They're born with both That's why they're mutants Okay Well so the queen's Gambit Yeah let's get out of the Let's get out of the swirling Black waters Let's get out of my group chat real quick

Let's put Andrew Polk to bed. Anyway, I can't talk about Polk. He's the best. But we watched The Queen's Gambit, and it's about women playing chess, which, wow, they must have ran out of ideas. Captivating, yeah. The end of Netflix. Yeah. What's next, dogs playing poker?

It should have been a painting. But it's about this girl who's 17 the entire movie, but you want to bang her from the first episode, because, you know, anyway, she's super hot. Emily was like, man, I wish I was considered a genius at something what do you think that's like and i was like well i know exactly what it's like uh because i'm like harold it is

the future of comedy and literature yeah she set you up she threw the remote at me immediately well as a double genius i can tell you it's not all pie and cupcakes. It's kind of overrated. It can be exhausting. Yeah, especially when you're married to a total dope. You get lauded day and night. Yeah, you got a ball and chain keeping me tethered to reality instead of floating up to the cosmos. You don't think I'd rather be in Prague right now, sipping tea with pronoun people?

Come on. Get my Prague on. You don't think I'd rather be in Prague right now, sipping tea with pronoun people? Come on. Get my Prague on. You don't think I'd rather be Prague rocking than sitting here on the couch smelling your farts? Oh, yeah. By the way, Emily gave herself a nickname the other day, which I alluded to. Because I call her all types of stuff, you know, Fatima, Emmett, you know, John Michael Bond. I call her all types of stuff. It's fun. And she was like, those aren't my name. And I was like, oh, what's your name? And she said,

my name's Toilet Beauregard. Which I can't tell if that was her queen's gambit, if she is a genius, or if she's the dumbest doctor allowed by law. Is she a couple steps ahead? Or did she swallow a rook she's choking on a bishop oh my god toilet borogard i mean it's pretty good i was like do

you have the umbilical cord tied around your neck it's memorable take a shower she ate too many fetal stem cells at work at the work buffet she went back for seconds like you with condoms yeah toilet borogard man where are we time when it's pretty it's actually pretty fun because like violet borogard but toilet i don't know if she had that in mind no is violet borogard a thing or did i violet you're turning violetet Violet. Oh, yeah, yeah, Willy Wonka. Okay. So, yeah. Maybe she was... that came to mind somehow. Augustus Gloop. Got turned into Toilet. Mike TV.

Mike TV. Violet Beauregard. Veruca Salt. Veruca Salt. Great band. And then Charlie Kaufman. What was his last name? Chocolate Factory? Charlie Wonka. His middle name was Nathan. It was Charlie and Chocolate Factory.

Also, what? All the old people were just... Actually, I don't know if this is canon, but I think his name was Charles E. Cheese. So you have the crossover. He grows up. He gets sick of candy. Sells the chocolate factory. Buys a chain of children's pizza restaurants.

Right, well, I think that he loses his mind after going and seeing just how depraved capitalism and how we're all just cogs in its machinations. Once he saw what happens to Oompa Loompas if they break an ankle. Right, so he was like, I want to open a business, but I want to exploit the workers. So he designed that band that plays at Chuck E. Cheese.

He built robots. He built robots, yeah. Because you don't have to feel bad for them working 80 hours a week for nothing. And also there was a COVID outbreak in his grandparents' bed, so the entire family died. So he was like,

okay, I know what I'm going to do. I'm going to figure out ways to sing Happy Birthday to Children without paying a soul. Pretty good stuff. Yeah, quite the acts two and three. A lot is a child, and then you think, alright, you're going to burn out,

maybe kill yourself, jump off of one of the factories. No. Pivot. Maybe you do Oompa Loompa face, you know, and you get canceled. He just goes to the store and buys some orange face paint. Grandpa Joe's like,

No, Charlie! It's Biden's America! Yeah. My pronoun is Oompa and Loompa. Oompa slash Loompa? Yeah. Yeah, I don't know. I'm 0 for 2 on my endeavors.

Yeah, on talking. I've hit a wall. It's okay. Where are we? What do we got? I can't see. Don't look. Take a peek.

I'll bet we're good. Don't touch it too much. We're at an hour. Perfect. Look at that. By the way, you might be thinking, where's Becker? Yeah, actually, you probably are not. You're probably like, why does this episode rule?

Nobody thought about it. No. I like the amount that Becker jumps in because it's hard to have a third person. We have a weird, I mean, we've known each other for a decade and eight of those 10 years we hung out almost every day. This is the, other than when you lived in Vegas, this is the furthest we've lived apart from each other for that decade. We used to live inches to feet away from one another.

Depending how hard I was. Yeah. If I was sprung or not. I'd just knock on your door from my own living room. With your dick. Yep. Yeah, so... Mrs. Creech, is Nathan home?

We have... I thought of a funny song. We have a very... We have a very... particular wavelength that we're both on, and to have a third person get in there isn't always easy. You might have just thought

this is Becker's best episode. He's nailing it. He finally realized less is more. Which I used to like to say to who did I say that to? I guess it was any young comedian ever. Any young comic that started to talk a little more than listen?

No. I didn't care about the pronouns. Yeah, less is more, bud. Oh, I know I told Michael Jeffries at 208 Fest because he was actually doing a good job of living by the less is more mantra. He wasn't talking

at our Airbnb. He came over and hung out but he like didn't really talk much and i was like hey jeffries nice job you're nailing it yeah don't feel like don't yeah he he was not nailing it he was just like having a panic attack he was terrified you're like jeffries that's my name what but he was that mr long you want more tea he was doing a good job of not blowing it by feeling like

it was his chance to like, fit in. Well, yeah, or to like, make sure that we knew who he was

by like, killing it, like being really funny or, a lot of comics think that you gotta bust chops. Yeah. And so you,

like, I remember one time I walked into the green room at Comedy Works and this newer comic tried to make fun of me right away and I was like, really?

You think this is a good move? To read this in a book? I could crush you What, did you read Belzer's book? Did you read Munch's how-to comedy? Crunch and Munch Yeah, it was just like no, you heard that somewhere as a good idea to get in with the guys or to be a part of the crew.

Yeah, put the screws to the big cats. And it's not such an overgeneralization. Oh, yeah, comics, we're always busting each other's chops. We're always ranking on each other. No, we're not. It's like if someone tries to write a show intro for a show that we're both doing on November 19th, and they totally rag on you and make me look really cool, and then I've got to send them an email telling them not to be a prick.

It's kind of like that. Anyway, guys, make sure you watch The Veil Comedy Show, which has nothing to do with what I just said. The Veil Comedy Show. Slight pivot. Yeah, uh-huh. I'm like Rick Smits in the paint. I don't pick up both feet, okay? But yeah, I watched

the Vale Comedy Show featuring me and a bunch of famous people or whatever. I don't know. Great lineup. November 19th. I think Steph Tolev's on there. Talking like this. Hey, it's me, Steph Tolev. Love Steph Tolev. Hey, I got a radio show in 1970. I grew up in Canada.

I'm Canadian. That's how we sound in Toronto. Don't say the second T. I drink my own piss. Yeah, it's a great lineup. It's online. It's free. You have to go to veilcomedyshow.com in order to reserve tickets.

Yeah, you have to put in, I think, the last four digits of your social security number. I put in all of them just to be safe. That's smart, dude. Because what if me and some hoser up in Saskatchewan has the same last four, and then he gets to enjoy Steph without... I'm on the outside looking in. He's like, I'm Canadian, but I somehow got an American Social Security number. Yeah, what do they have up there?

Crow feathers. Yeah, just a certain number and then the arrangement. Okay. They got like a Molson Ice. They crack it and pour it over the baby's head. Baptism by Ice. So yeah, watch that.

And also, hey, look, if you're anything like me, you're having a tough time getting hard to the porno that's available on the public internet. And you might have to switch over to a Tor browser or an Onion browser and look for the good stuff. Maybe in a Red Room or two. But if you're tired of trying to get your little broken dick stiff, why don't you watch some comedy? Does that help you?

Yeah, for sure. Because I get off on the power of being funnier than everyone on the show. Gotcha. Yeah, so I can get stiff. Oh, yeah, rock it to me, baby. Come on, let me get a taste of that netting pie. It's me, Steph Tolab's dad. It's me, Papa Tolab.

I'm like a Bulgarian immigrant or something. Came to Canada to make wooden shoes for kids. What's that? What website do you go to for your comedy boner needs? Oh, I like to go to holdthephone.tv, man. You can find me on there, you know, in the message boards. You know, just spreading misinformation. Yeah.

Fake news. They stole the election reminds me of Bulgaria they stole my dick they pawned my own cock I like to tie a knot around it keep it on a piece of string so the birds can't eat it when I fall asleep outside weigh it down with lead

what's up staff it's me your dad check out holdthephone.tv they got a bunch of great live shows. Also, let's give it up for a friend of ours, Chris Durant, out in Humboldt. Yep. He finally beat that case. Finally.

God, finally. The kids aren't his. The teenager died, yeah. Chris Durant rules. He is the guy behind Savage Henry. And only figuratively, because he can't hide behind anything. He's about 7'10". Used to be 475 pounds.

Yeah, he's lost a bunch of weight. Yeah, it sucks. I hate to see a fat guy lose weight. Like, how do you do it? He's still a big dude. It's not like you have to be jealous of his new life. Also, I think his kidneys gave out, so he can only drink ranch dressing anymore. Old Durant, we'd go on

the road and I'd do these shows with him while he dropped off magazines. He'd be like, gravy's free. Ew, ain't Steph! Steph, call your dad! He's got a bone stuck in his throat! So yeah, but he would just wake up. You'd wake up and he'd go into his room and he'd already be like six PBRs

deep. Then he'd drive us from Rose Petal, Oregon all the way up to Tacoma. Just cracking cold ones. Real tank of a man. Hell yeah. Love that guy. But yeah, anyway, he needs a benefit for something. They have the magazine. They have the festival.

And they opened a comedy club in Humboldt. It's not to wash money for the weed growers. No, no, no. It's definitely not what itboldt. It's not to wash money for the weed growers. No, no, no. It's definitely not what it's for. It's legit. Yeah. They're not laundering drug money for the white cartels. No, I did a weekend there.

It was fantastic. Yeah, he said that he paid me 50 grand. I actually walked with 100 bucks. But, you know, the IRS doesn't need to know that. The 100 almost covered the rental car from San Francisco. That's right. But, yeah, they opened the club, and almost immediately, less than a year later, COVID hits. It has affected things in NorCal as much as anywhere, I'm sure.

Sacramento is hurting right now. Yeah, everyone forgets about Sactown. But yeah, we're talking even north of that, in Humboldt, where... You're talking like Petaluma? Where trimmers go to die. Oh, yeah. They get disappeared. All the time. Yeah, that was on Netflix, too. Yeah, they get disappeared into Durant's

beard. Murder Mountain. Yeah, they come and do a guest spot at the club and then nobody ever hears from them again. He's like that painting of that monster ripping the head off that person, you know what I'm talking about? Yeah, it was like Charlie Baptist. Yeah. I think it's Andy Warhol.

No, maybe it's... DeGamma? No. He was an explorer. Norman Rockwell? No. I only know two painters. It's like a renaissance. Yeah, the guy biting my head off. That's Durant, but with a 17-year-old runaway

named Sunflower. Human hoagie. Yeah, Durant has but with a 17-year-old runaway named Sunflower. Human hoagie. Yeah, Durant has killed a lot of girls. And that's what this is for. We're trying to raise money for his court case. We're trying to get him Johnny Cochran's son. That's right. Donnie Cochran.

The Humboldt Ripper is facing trial for his many tribulations against the female race. And, yeah, I should have been told what what is i don't i should have been told what this is for keep riffing savage henry comedy club needs help to stay open so please if you have a couple bucks if you're a if you know if you're a coder so you have a bunch of money you're working from home yeah you're sitting on a pile of skateboard money maybe you have a bunch of money, you're working from home, you're sitting on a pile of skateboard money. Maybe you got a bunch of Bitcoin because you just hacked the Silk Road. Yeah. If you have any amount at all that you could spare.

Maybe you made a killing in cheese pizza. Wink wink. Yeah, we wanted to give the GoFundMe out to the Chubby Chaser Army and see if we couldn't maybe drum up some support. So this is a good guy doing great things in Northern California. We want to be able to keep that club open so that I can get another weekend on the books. Hell yeah, I feel that, man. Come home with a couple of trash bags full of untrimmed weed. I heard the Steph Toliff going up there.

But yeah, let me give you the GoFundMe. It's GoFundMe.com slash save dash savage dash Henry. Again, any amount that you can give would be helpful. Hopefully they can stay open and survive this bullshit plandemic. Yeah, this hoax we're all suffering. I've been on parlor and uh my eyes are wide open but yeah uh regardless you know you got a democratic governor in california trying to save up all the fresh adrenochrome for him and his cronies and we're trying to we're trying to

take that down on parlor yeah let let duran have a taste of that adrenochrome. But yeah. Governor Brown. If you can, try to help them out. And hopefully we can get back to Northern California sooner than later. Or not. Who cares? We've had a lot of fun there. No way. You met Kyle Kinane there. I'm always lying about having fun up there.

You broke a hammock. No, I did. I slept in a hammock and it broke midway through the evening. And I came in covered in morning dew soaking wet and had to strip nude and canane said what did a butterfly land on you what did a butterfly land on you hey young brother did a butterfly land on your ass that's how canane sounds thank you don't yeah don't anyway yeah. But also, what's most important? Give me and Lund some money.

Well, yeah, you gotta get on our Patreon to do that. Yeah, you idiots. Patreon.com slash Chubby Behemoth. $5 a month gets you an extra episode per week. That's all you need. That's all you deserve. Alright? I mean, that's a hell of a deal right there.

But we've got other options as well. I just put together the care packages for our top tier patrons. $20 a month gets you. You get stuff in the mail. Stuff in the mail. And it is some random stuff, that's for sure. It's a menagerie of ephemera.

A random mishmash of crap and body hair. That's right. Yeah, if you wanted to frame us for a crime, we would be kind of giving you a head start. You could lock up a case thanks to the DNA that we're going to be sending you. And no, I'm not talking about jizz. We pay more for jizz.

$25 a month gets you a little bit of semen. All the jizz you We pay more for jizz. $25 a month gets you all the jizz you can eat. A little bit of semen. And all you can eat jizz buffet at Chubby Behemoth Patreon. Yeah.

Patreon.com slash Chubby Behemoth. This is Steph Tolev's mom. That's why my daughter sounds that way. Hell yeah. Shout out to Steph Tolev. Does she have them?

Vail Comedy Show. I'm not sure. Maybe she'll show them. On the Vail Comedy Show. Anything can happen online. On Zoom. Yeah, except for Peaceful Revolution. But yeah, thanks for listening. This has been another chubby behemoth

goodnight America