Chubby Behemoth - Off The Bench

Episode Date: October 14, 2020

I've heard tail. New Sheriff. Have-Em Hunter.   This weeks sponsor Hold The Phone! https://holdthephone.tv/   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth.

Let's just talk about the fart video. This will be a Zapruder. This will be a deep dive. I've watched it 200 times. I've let it play 10 different times. I've thrown it up to the big screen. Oh my god.

You're going frame by frame. In surround sound, that's when I texted Asuka was gagging. In surround, you can really hear it hit somebody no all of a sudden at the very

the very last like second half of the video yeah Sophie's cough gagging she goes from laugh to cough gag

gagging it's right when it cuts and it's so fucking funny because in in the little stereo it comes out totally separate

from where the fart's going in the directional mic. It's beautiful. So he says, oh, my God. It changes her. It changed everybody in the room. The DNA was altered, dude. You get a sense how far away she was on the bigger speakers, though.

It's like Chernobyl. Yeah, it's so wet. Did you throw those away? No, man. I framed them. That's why your wife's mad at you. Yeah, it's so wet. Did you throw those away? No, man. I framed them. That's why your wife's mad at you. Yeah, that's right. She wasn't there.

My mom and my dad are in the room in Mel's. Just not amused with being silent? My mom didn't say a word. I was like, Mom, because I literally was like, Mom, come check out this funny thing I do. And then I did the, wah, wah. And then that thing escaped the depths of my soul. Escaped. You pushed that out.

I don't think he did. I don't think I did, dude. I've seen it a thousand times. Yeah. And I feel like... I've thought about it. Because his legs are up in the air... It's just prone?

Well, it's like the fucking... His eight stomachs are aligning. All the valves. Everything clicks into place like a giant clock. And then it's ready to go. That was the nuclear clock. That was 11.59.59. Touchdown with the nuclear football.

They spiked it. You shared a bed with him shared a bed i've heard similar i told i think i told sophie i've heard no no yeah i've heard his tail i've heard his tailpipe just fucking nos it up no uh i think uh i've heard a lot similar to that but i think that might be the best one oh yeah like the. Like, the biggest, the best. He's done a million almost that good. Thanks, man. You know what I mean?

Like, I mean, it's not a compliment. It's just how you're shaped. You're a barrel with a couple holes in it. That's why you spend all that time in the gym. You know?

Why, you do? Yeah, because, you know, game day. You've got to practice like you play, man. You know what we did was the day before that we were at the Oyster Festival.

Oh, God. I ate, like did was the day before that we were at the Oyster Festival. I ate like 48 oysters. In the Humboldt County on the coast. I helped depopulate an entire species up there. And I was like the man of honor, too. I was like a man on the street. According to who? The mayor. Governor Newsom came.

You went from... You started with Man of Honor, but buried the lead, which is Man on the Street, which is not the same thing. Well, no, so I went around interviewing people, different oyster people, with Dutch Savage,

and then they would feed us oysters. So I just ate all the oysters I could get my lips on. And then the next day, I mean, then me and Mel drank on the dock and, like, cried and held each other. It was the first time we told each other we loved each other. And then the next day i mean then me and mel drank on the dock and like cried and held each other it was the first time we told each other we loved each other and then the next day that was the morning that was a morning rip that was yeah god that was a stockpile that was like the uh the cachet exploding i also was fascinated watching the video of like it had to sound more intense in person oh yeah there's no way that phone mic really captured all of the glory.

Which is insane to consider. Because there's so much glory. It got it good. To be there is to really get it. To be in awe. Well, you know, it's a better live. My act's always better live.

It doesn't really translate to tape. But yeah, man. I wish your act was as good as that fart. How about that? See, that was pretty good. That was close. That probably picked up. These directionals got that.

These vinyl seats. Yeah, that was pretty good. Off the cuff. Just riffing. Just anal riffing. Yeah, just doing some loud work yeah making your spout twerk

it's fun when Sophie goes oh my god yeah the reaction helps too it's all good the main thing that the

it all comes together that's the edited version to make a good well 12 seconds is fine 11 seconds is all you need but like cause I like that because there's no push you're doing the baby That's the edited version. To make a good, well, 12 seconds is fine. 11 seconds is all you need.

I like that because there's no push, you're doing the baby, and then the fart is happening. There's no reaction from you, and then you go back to being the baby. And that really helps. I stayed in the bit. Yeah, that helped. That helped too. If I would have broke the fourth wall you know

then it would have been a seven second video not as good I turned to the camera gotta love me that would have been good I'm glad you had

the fart video to distract me from being mad at you today for being 15 minutes late I was being on your time

oh yeah sorry you had to that hour and a half drive down you know really gets in the way sometimes for being 15 minutes late. Us being on your time. Oh, yeah. Sorry. That hour and a half drive down, you know, really gets in the way sometimes. Just say something. I think you make it, you think that when you are ready,

you can say, all right, Lund, and then I just, like, get summoned out of the sky and get put there. I'm a falconer. I'm an NPC that's a part of your guild or whatever. You're fucking... You're stable. Yeah, you're my...

You're my humble dwarf who sharpens my axe. I'm in a coffin just waiting for you to say my name three times. And then I'm here. No, here, listen up, you little piece of shit.

All right. I was ready to finish by three. I was really cramming. Because we got there at two and I sat down and I said, we're going to have the all-you-can-eat. Bring it all out right now. I was really cramming. Because we got there at two, and I sat down, I said, we're going to have the all-you-can-eat, bring it all out right now, I'm in a hurry. Two of everything. I gave her my card, the bill was settled.

So I was ready to leave and be here. It was like four minutes away. I was ready to be here. And then you offered... I was eating Korean barbecue to the listener with my closest friends and family. Seven to nine people. No, it was four people, including me. And I offered in the group chat to buy you guys Korean barbecue.

I said, do you want to get Korean barbecue? No offer to buy an offer to join? Yes. Oh, so I'm going to invite you to lunch and not pay. That doesn't sound like me. That's you every time. Never. Except for apparently this new Sam, new haircut, new, uh, new life. No, you No, you've paid for my lunch for sure. Well, here's the thing is now I feel like after eating that much, it's the same way that like bullfighters or flame jumpers feel where they've looked death in the eye. So I have like a bliss, you know, to me right now. But yeah, I was three minutes away and you said,

are you still ready to go? And I thought you were being like, hey man, take your time with your loved one. Do you never get to see since you moved away? Yeah, right. And then I was like, well, thank you. You're down here too much. We'll push 15 minutes. Well, I didn't expect it to be 15 minutes.

It just, that added to the fucking chaos that is you. The chaos. Keep it, plane it closer to the vest. I'm the fucking joker. You're four minutes away, but it's not like I'm just waiting in the car for you to say, all right, I'm four minutes away, so that I can also be four minutes away. So what's the worst thing that happens? You have to stand with Becker for 15 minutes and cut it up on the sidewalk?

Let me know. My God, what a death sentence. I'm sorry to hold your feet to the flames that way. Like a baby. I have no regrets. That's part of the problem. Yeah. You should have a few regrets.

No way. That used to be a joke of mine. Why do so many people with so much to regret say no regrets all the time? You don't regret any of that shit? You don't regret running into that person's lawn? I mean, look, I live my life as an open book. I put up that fart video online for people to

enjoy. A lot of people would have taken that to their graves. You're martyring yourself with the fart video yeah oh man cool haircut you're gonna be in trouble at home i am yeah i have a duck tail back here you got a whole thing i had a mullet once for like two seconds at my house as i was getting rid of a bunch of hair i didn't commit to it whose hair was it It was a couple people's. I had some roommates and we had a hair challenge. We need to do more challenges, people have been saying.

Oh, here's a challenge. I thought about this a couple days ago. It's probably been done. It's probably been done on like eight podcasts, but like a health challenge, we get our vitals taken or something. I already had mine taken. Well, I haven't yeah i know because you can't find a large animal vet that'll see you i don't have any insurance i'm undocumented

yeah you're an alien i don't have any access to medical care or dental you want to do a health challenge because you assume you'll be better than me no i think it's easy to beat me no i really i think we're both gross. Why not find out how gross together? Who's the most near death? Who's dying? Yeah. What's the goal age?

What's the actual age? What's the... I don't know. It would be like... What? Like... I almost said BM. We could put BMs on there.

Who's got the healthier BM? Blood pressure. I don't think either of us want to compare BMs. Heart rate? Becker, you'd have to be the barometer too. You'd be the judge. So you'd have to get out the stethoscope and check my turds for their blood pressure. I was thinking your doctor wife

but we could have Becker be a medical intern. Let's let Emily be Mengele. She's got a day or two off. Head circumference? How many bones? She can do the phrenology of our skull Yeah. How many bones? She can do the phrenology of our skulls. How many different

people's bones are inside of each of us? I've never broken a bone. I think I should get points for that. Interesting. I've broken my wrist before. That's it? And my ankle.

That's not bad. No, not bad at all. It's because I've lived a life of conflict and violence. Well, I'm surprised. You've been a kept little man your show. No, no, no.

I'm saying I'm surprised with all the banging around you've done. That's all you've broken. And, I'm surprised. You've been a kept little nut in your shell. No, I'm saying I'm surprised with all the banging around you've done. That's all you've broken. And with me, too. I've played a lot of different sports. Volleyball. Yeah. Big contact sport. Hot dog eating. A lot of sprains in the competitive eating. I beat your ass in that, too.

I'll beat your ass in this. In what? Bone challenge? Yeah, I crushed you in the hot dog eating contest. I didn't care. I had to stop. What? I'll murder you. No, dude, you have no chance. I had to stop.

I would like to see that. They brought me off the bench. Lunn was like... Oh, yeah, nobody saw you coming. You were up there looking like four competitors at once. A team of brothers is like, this can't count for one person. How many little people are in that flannel? Everybody doubted you.

You're trying to make it sound like you overcame odds. And haters. What's his name? Biker Jim wanted to sign you to a contract. We're going to make some money, brother. Have we told this story? No. Oh, shit, Becker.

A lot of times we go into the further distant past, our youths. Right. We mine that. But we haven't said a lot of stories from the last ten years. Yeah, I mean, by the way, the fart video, if you guys haven't seen it, it's up on the Instagram. Follow us on Instagram. We've got to get some numbers. We don't really.

Not really, right? But it would look cool. It would look kind of cool. If we had 10K, 20K listeners. We already have. Or followers. We're doing great, man. We just cleared fucking 100K.

I'm saying let's prove it. 10, 10, 10. 100K. We got 250,000 people tuning in each and every other day so Lund had this date circled on the calendar

for months no as soon as they announced the lineup the county fair was back the Denver county fair hell yeah this sounds fun

and they had a hot dog eating contest I was like and I thought maybe there'd be a pie eating contest yeah and then you cried I

there was not a pie eating contest it was a pie making cried. There was not a pie-eating contest. It was a pie-making contest. Then they threw them all away. They gave them to the goats. God, that was the goats' prizes. They gave them to the clowns. They had a pie-whipping contest. See how, Lun, you were like,

let's go down here. I'm about to become famous. Let's have a grand old time. You're trying to make it sound like I was the narrator You were like, let's go down here. I'm about to become famous. Let's have a grand old time. Oh, okay. You're trying to make it sound like I was the narrator and I was saying I was set up for victory. I went to cheer you on. Shut up. I had no intention of being a part of this disgusting display of gluttony. You were hoping the Phil Jackson of eating would be there and would see you and say,

I have a feeling you could pound some snog. He was. So yeah. Biker Jim. you could pound some snog. He was. Yeah, it's biker Jim. We get into the knock horse eating championship. Well, that part kind of sucked. They had rounds. They had heats. That were regular hot dogs.

But we ended up having... The biggest heat was between my thighs. We had to do pork and veal knockwurst instead. Had to. Well, that was the only thing that was there when we showed up. But you'd been training with... No. Yeah.

No training. Uh-huh. You used to put that bandana around your head? I was an amateur eater. You were like, hey, time. I'd go to the courts and try to do pickup eating. Yeah. Hey, anybody got a bunch of pizza bagels or something?

It was real white men can't chew yeah uh turned out to be white men can't dump because i was fucking stuffed you got knocked up by motumbo was in my colon you yeah so yeah we were ready we were that was a curveball they weren't that hot which was gross well we walked up and you were like, hey, it's me. Shut up. The one you've heard of. Get to it. Lund. Oh, boy.

Yeah, you were wearing your own t-shirt with your name on it. My agent was there on the phone with sunglasses on inside. I mean, you were taken. You were stoked. Let's be honest about it. Yeah, fine. Okay. I was excited.

It was going to be fun. And I walked up there with you because I was your biggest fan, and I still am. And they were like, hey, we got room for one more. Are there any heroes that want to step up and live this day in infamy? And I was like, look, if the city of Denver and the county of Denver needs a hero, I've been that since day one. Let me have this. Yeah, you're both an underground sensation and the big man on

campus. So, yeah. With a gleam in your eye, you're like, I guess I'll give this eating thing a try. And yeah, you dunked. My teeth grew in that morning. You slammed like, what, 22 knock-overs? I kicked everyone's ass. Oh my god. Yeah, and it was so gross.

In what, five minutes? I think it might have been like four minutes. Yeah, 22 and a half veal knock-wursts. Oh my god. It was so gross. In what, five minutes? I think it might have been like four minutes. Yeah, 22 and a half veal knock-wurst. With bun. It was gross. I was dunking, of course. Did you use water? I washed a lot of game tape. I didn't want to use water.

Yeah, you used heavy cream. You were dipping it in buttermilk. Pretty quickly, I realized, okay, Sam is so blinded by competitive spirit that there's no way I'll eat more than him. You know, like, there's no way that he will be derailed. And so I leisurely ate, like, 15 and enjoyed them. It was a little walk in the park. Which was gross to not feel bad afterwards just being like hey all right that's skittery drink and minky dinked your way to some

beer in place i had to get some beer on top of there well i was third but the guy in second worked he threw up yeah but the guy in second also competed in a different one remember that yeah before that yeah like he got like first in a different sausage eating contest. So he was an animal. We should have sponsored him. He was pure, he was a talent, you know? He was a prodigy. Military man? I think he was a young military brat. I don't remember.

You just assume he's a war criminal? Yeah, he was just some young teen. You limped into second place. Real shameful display. Shameful. Remember Adam, Kate, and Holland and Troy Baxley were there? Yeah. Just on accident.

For some reason, the two of them were there getting caricatures of each other. Yeah. I had to eat in front of two heroes, you know? They had to watch us crush hot dogs. They did not have to. And Biker Jim was impressed with you. I was outside. Gave you his card.

He did. It was all greasy. I was out back smoking a cigarette after I ate 22 and a half hot outside. Gave you his card. He did. It was all greasy. I was out back smoking a cigarette, you know, after I ate 22 and a half hot dogs. Puffin dust. And he came up and he's like, hey, kid, you really got something. I don't know if you know what you got, but I do. You know, that's my job is I assess talent. And if you really want to get into this, here's my card.

Biker Jim, who's a hot dog entrepreneur here in town, he makes hot dogs out of beaver meat and snake. Yeah, he saves a lot of money on... Yeah, he's all scraps. On just having some land. His land in Arizona is paying off. He just goes down there and picks up most of the tracks. Yeah, he goes to the traps.

And then, yeah, if he's able to have a couple birds get electrocuted by his fencing. Whatever nutrients he can trick into the pits. Yeah. Yeah, and he just makes gross hot dogs and charges $9. Put some slaw on top of it. Nah, some of them are very tasty. Yeah, but it's all about the accoutrement in the dog world. Yeah.

You were about to enter the dog world. You dipped a toe, and then your toe had gout yeah so it hurt they had to cut that foot off oh shout out to the gout heads we haven't talked about gout yet on the cast but because i don't have it you've got it you've had it right you've had a flare-up or two i've had scares you've had scare-ups with your flare yeah well i thought remember when your gallbladder almost exploded no remember gallbladderbladder awareness? I don't, but... You don't remember when you had that searing pain in your side at all times? And you thought it was your appendix?

And then you went and, like, you know, saw a witch doctor or something. I remember the witch doctor. They put some rat bones in a hat and dumped it on the floor. He said, ooh-ee, ooh-ah-ah, ting-tang, wah-da-wah-da-bing-bang. And I was like, English, please, hello. You're in America. How about Google Translate for what you just said? Because I can't say that

ten times fast. When you had your gallbladder situation, I was like, okay, I need to get this shit together. And I really righted the ship since then. Now I'm the figure of health. I think you had a gallbladder scare. I had the gout scare and then the i had the real thing when sharpie was on kimmel i had like the worst i couldn't walk for

like most of a week it was the worst because it went up into my ankle yeah i was wheelbarrow style yeah i was like to imagine that you had my feet and i was on my hands human wheelbarrow yeah i mean that was the state fair. Get the pressure off of my feet. Yeah, we had the three-legged race. We were dead last. But we had the advantage with the human wheelbarrow because we had done it before. The penis judging contest.

Mine is not cool. Oh, we judged. We judged, yeah. We were like, nice. That'll do. Cool one. He's got it. Balls. No. That'll do. Cool one. He's got it. Balls.

No. Dick. Yes. You gotta judge them separately. These are two different contests we're talking about. What if we had a fart challenge? You win. Yeah.

No, but I mean, we can try and recreate that video. We can be like the people who tear apart the Kennedy assassination film. Supposedly our friend Liz blasts them like that. I'd like to see video of that. I'd like to see fans Liz Yunt, she says she blasts. I'd like to see video of people trying to, if they think they could

beat it, then get it on video and upload it. I want to see Liz fart so hard that she burns her Undertaker hat off. Liz was early in wearing the Mennonite hat. We all had such a crush on her Remember? Yeah, she's great, very cool

A lot of cool, hip Denver people ended up Being comedy fans to some degree You know, in their Flitting around the Neighborhood She ended up being a lesbian though Which broke all the fine gentleman's hearts

Ended up Yeah, the big which broke all the fine gentleman's hearts. Yeah. Ended up. Yeah, the big reveal. She got the night of the draft. Yeah. We thought we had her at number four. Should have picked her at two. But yeah, I think if we try, let's just, we'd have to pick something that we get to eat.

And we'd have to eat only that, and then'd have to like meet at a certain time and place and get like a vocal like one of those you know a decibel reader and just see who can move the needle the furthest right so you'd have to stand by our butts and hold the reader there's eating and there's farting those are both good what else i mean you said you want to do a health challenge i'm going the other way. Indian leg wrestling might be bad. Yeah. Wow. You want to have a savage leg wrestling contest? That's what the Olympics... That's what the Olympic Committee

calls it. It's Indians because it's not our proud indigenous here. It's over there. From India? Yeah. The people of Bangladesh? The Asian subcontinent dwellers.

Okay. Yeah, they would do it. Like the Sheikh. That's not true. He was Indian, right? The wrestler, the Sheikh? He did Hindu squats all the time. The Iron Sheikh.

The Iron Sheikh, yeah. The Sheikh. I thought he was from, like, Kaladesh. He's from Iran. Yeah. Iron Sheik is from, that documentary is really good about Iron Sheik.

Correct. I watched Knuckle again not that long ago. I told you, it's on YouTube. People, if you want to watch a great documentary,

Knuckle is on YouTube. Let's do a watch-a-london Knuckle on the Patreon. Yeah, it's the best. Have you seen Knuckle? No. Dude. You and Bori,

I think, saw it in like 2010. Stephen Williamson, too. You guys knew about it. It was on Netflix a long time ago. You guys watched it, and I, i think saw it in like 2010 you guys knew about it it was on netflix a long time ago you guys watched it and i so i've watched it like almost as many times as the fart video it's very yeah it's a really great it doesn't hold up as well as the fart video though fart video every time you watch you learn something new it's a lot in a little there's little nuance revealed every time little you know little tiny present of dynamite.

Knuckle covers like 12 years, 10 years. In a gypsy family's bare-knuckle boxing career. Irish gypsies, travelers. Irish traveling families. Hikies, if you will. Yeah, kind of like in Snatch. Similar kind of a setup, yeah. But then they also fight each

other. They'll call each other out and organize these illegal, but a whole day where two families will put up however many guys to fight in six fights. Yeah, and the winner gets a 76 Dodge Charger. They get a dart out of it.

They'll put up, for some of those yeah well yeah they'll put up like for some of those fights I think they they put up like 200k each Jesus or they'll put up like 100k each six different like RVs

like they'll put up all their caravans or whatever it's pretty sick great movie but again it's no fart video check it out I did get the fart video

this is a big reveal in Sundance and I think we got a shot yeah you made your buns dance Robert Redford would This is a big reveal in Sundance. I think we got a shot. Yeah. You made your buns dance. Robert Redford would walk out of that theater.

That was a rubber red fart because the undies looked like someone dropped them in the cherry juice. De Niro wants it for his festival. What if my pants were off for that? What if you were sitting on a wood or vinyl surface. It would have gone off.

It would have sat on some diaper material. It would have eviscerated it. I don't know if it would have helped to have nothing down there. Well, if you try and push one of those against a surface, it sometimes isn't as exciting. As a guy who's really blasted some gnarlies, some legendary bell ringers, I've always been the fart guy. I was the sneeze guy, you were the fart guy.

What about the guys who would fart in class and then O'Doyle rules it? Those guys were nuts. I was terrified because there were girls in there. I know, but they were great. So no farting allowed? No, never. Instead of a class clown, they were like the class mental patient.

It was like, oh man, they're going to shoot up the school. Before there were even school shootings, we knew. These guys are going to do something to the school. They were a good time, but also they probably killed a chicken with their bare hands. Oh yeah, they were torturing not their pets. They could fake tolerate their pets. Maybe they fucked a pig. Oh, maybe.

They black mirrored it back in 99. Ooh. Definitely really into fire. Like if you're just farting and you don't care about the teacher or the girls.

Yeah. Holy cow. There's no stopping you. Somebody call the principal. Principal can't be stopped. That kid calls the principal by his first name. We had a principal, Mrs. Welsh, I think was her name, and she looked kind of like Ursula from Little Mermaid.

Like short hair, a lot of big black dresses. She was kind of big, intimidating, and her face would turn purple when we would laugh at farts. Like in assemblies you could fart maybe on the gym floor sure and nobody would know who did it and i never had i didn't want to do that you didn't have and catch welsh's wrath yeah i was a little i was a little bitch i was a little kevin arnold wannabe a little turd i wasn't cool till i started getting laid and even then i was faking it fart kids like, it was like a tip of the hat.

Like, yes, king. Go off, king. Yeah. But yeah. Andy Quinn was a fart kid. That woman would turn such colors in fury at little kids giggling, you know? Like, ugh. God forbid, you know what I mean?

When you're young, you're not supposed to, what to laugh when you're told to shut up and listen. Is it time to talk or is it time to listen? That's what I'm saying. That's what I said. Andy Quinn in eighth grade got expelled on the last day of eighth grade because he took a dump in the sink in the gym. Oh, dude. Yeah. What?

Eighth grade? Eighth grade. When we were probably in sixth grade. Let me tell this great story. There was a log. We had a mystery log. Was it a mystery log? No, because Andy Quinn was busted. He claimed it. it yeah well uh the vice principal walked in mr smith

and caught andy quinn and clay raider who was my buddy down in uh oklahoma yeah yeah yeah he's cool andy quinn was seated in the sink legs dangling jumping and clay was writing on the mirrors and deodorant and mr smith came in and was like what the hell and deodorant. And Mr. Smith came in and was like, What the hell, Andy? And Andy, pants around his ankle, turd poking out, said, It was Clay! He pointed to Clay. And then Andy, on his expulsion thing, it said, Defecating in the wash basin.

We thought that ruled. Smoking in the boys' room. There's a new sheriff in town. We had a mystery log that you wouldn't have believed. It should have come. I'm farting over here. You're gonna shit your pants for sure trying to make a new memory. All these books are going for a new record.

We're surrounded by books and all the pages are yellow. Binding's coming. We're turning to dust. and all the pages are yellow. Binding's coming loose. We're turning to dust. If it was from a kid, the kid would have had to have been between kindergarten and sixth grade.

And if that was the case, it was terrifying because it was like the size of a illegal Pete's burrito. Oh my gosh, intact? Yes, like a log. And it was on the ground in the stall. It was on the ground

of the stall. And I'll never forget it. I don't remember most shit. I think because Tondra touched me or something, but I'll always remember that because it was the best. The best thing in the world, you know, other than a celebrity

flashing you at an assembly. A local celebrity whips them out. Princess dives. Shows pussy. The only thing better was the idea of somebody just shitting on the ground. Yeah. At school. I think it was a janitor.

We had a janitor that was like this big square-headed guy, and I think he had a blast or something, and he fucked up. On the ground? He missed the ball? I don't know, man. He had just cleaned it, and he didn't want to have to work. So then he fucking dropped an eggplant on the ground. This is what he knows. Exactly how much water pressure there is on those toilets.

What he had to eat that day. And, you know, he just waited out and he was like, alright, it's not going down. So I have to just deliver it on land. It was the best. I couldn't believe it.

Were you like charging tickets to get in? No, what it was... Two to look, one to poke. What it was... Three smells. It probably happened during lunch, and then whoever, like me or somebody, was first or second into that bathroom after lunch,

sees it, comes back to class, and is like, Oh my god. Teacher, shut up. The president's been shot. It was that big. Yeah. It was that monumental.

We got bin Laden. Also. Oh, man. Stall number two on the second floor bathroom. And then, of course, I think we might have had a different, my first grade teacher became the principal. She also could have a pretty good pissed off, beet red of a face we had miss smuggler and one of the two of them like you know wanted to know who it was and it was like no who would ever say it was them you'll never know it

was like a few good men the usual suspects got me on some lesser charges they got me for sedition. It was, man, that was a good one. That was up there. Top turd in my memory, Greg Blazier, during wrestling practice, he had to run off the mat to go use the bathroom. He came back and he said something to our head wrestling coach, Mr. Carter, and Mr. Carter blew his whistle. He was like, all right, boys, just run some laps. And he disappeared.

And he goes here. Did you hear an ambulance? There's a fire alarm. No, the helicopter lands on top of the roof. No, so then Mr. Carter, this rules, he comes back and he tells the assistant coach, Mr. Osborne, Mr. Osborne disappears.

And then one by one in weight groups, we all gotta go to the bathroom and look at this turd. So like, the 103's gotta go first, and then like the 110's used to go. By the time it got to the big boys, we were all in there. Greg had dumped so high that the turd

came up out of the bowl, did a U-turn, and went back into the bowl. So it was like a St. Louis arch in the toilet. And it was all coiled at the bottom, too. So it wasn't like this was, you know... Right, just lucky.

It wasn't an immaculate situation. Yeah, exactly. He was a craftsman. He was a craftsman. Yeah, there wasn't a trickery of the eye. Yeah, but it was such a big deal that we didn't have to run for a minute we all got to go take turns almost threw up

I'm sorry how many pounds of meat are inside it's mostly kimchi oh you know what I want to shout out is speaking of kimchi Chimichurri Bros are doing a pop up at Vine Street Pub on the weekends and they have a Kim Cheese Steak

and it's one of the best things I've eaten. So you should check that out. I liked when your sister did those nude photos of the Kim Cheesecakes. She flapped them. They're like 50 different kinds. Oreos were involved. Speaking of shout-outs, we've got to give

a shout-out to Anwar Newton's baby. Oh yeah. Anwar, your baby. The best baby in the game. I don't want to name the child. Still relatively new, seven months old. Very new. I think around three months. Let's just call it Dizzy Gillespie

Newton. And, yeah, if there's one thing that's going to bring this country together, it's an adorable, beautiful black baby wearing cowboy boots and a cowboy hat. And that's what Anwar's doing with this baby online. He uses the N-word to describe the baby, and it's always funny. Yeah, that's a pretty cool move. An adorable infant, you know?

He's very funny. He did Lucha Libre and Laughs during High Plains last year. One of my favorites. He was very funny. And then after that show, like that night at the after party, he came up to me and was like, hey, man, you do a great job as the straight man to Sam calling the wrestling matches.

So he said I was the gay man? Yeah, he was outing you. And I was like, believe me, that's not a secret here in Denver, honey. Honey. Yeah, I used your slang some parlance not really cool of me but no we uh he said and he said that he uh when he was still in phoenix he was doing a show with michael turner last week suck tonight and it was like a big popular show phoenix is tough uh or it was tough as far as comedy there.

It didn't seem like it really caught on ever very much. And they got to do a great job. They had a show at House of Comedy, I think. I did it once. I'm blessed. And Phoenix in the last few years has gotten a lot cooler. There's the improv there. The Tempe improv is cool, whatever.

So there's more of a scene now. But I would go there from Vegas now and then then in like 2006 7 whatever and there was like hardly anything there were some funny people but uh he said how he was often the straight man to michael and so we got to have a nice moment you know kind of toasting the straight man because you know they're not maybe seen as that funny with by the average comedy fan and you know it's an old it's kind of a long lost thing because duos are gone. Even by their partner. Sometimes they don't think they're funny, you know?

Even the partner doesn't get what's going on. Yeah, I'm funny and you drive. Yeah. Didn't you say that he had to play second banana to a psychopath? Isn't that how you described it? Well, I said that we bonded a little over having to, yes, play the straight man to psychopaths. I don't know if Michael is a psychopath, but you are. Michael's pure evil.

Okay, well, you are too, so I was right. Yeah, so you guys are the chewing on the scenery, humping the stool. You'd think Anwar would hump the stool. I have a baby. Look. I have a baby. Look, I have a baby. Oh no, 9-11 killed it. Yeah.

And then... Yeah, faking infanticide. That's one of my classic bits. Just over the top, going for the jugular. Hey mommy, look at me. It's your big bright star. And then... Yeah.

I'm going to shit my pants, somebody it might mean somebody likes me if i would have shit my pants in that video 100 million views i'd be viral i'd be a sensation i don't think that why isn't that thing gone viral i think it's going to you know what sucks the bad timing is there's that dude with that cougar video from utah what's the cougar six minutes that fucking cougar chasing this fucking idiot in utah i thought i felt bad for him until i watch it right now no no it's six minutes but this dude is hiking and he sees two cougar cubs and like keeps walking towards them like once I saw the beginning and saw that I was like

oh you fucking idiot he's lucky he didn't die because of course there was a mom like around the corner and she backed him up she was a real cougar

she backed him up she was like 46 wine drunk cool butt handing out pills uh handing out pills cranking the nooch

uh no this uh mountain lion backed him up for six minutes probably like a mile because he's like backing up for on a trail and he she just keeps coming after him and does like the fucking like pounce at him yeah like she's pissed she's ready to go well you didn't call her the next day. This kid is 22. He thinks he can just fuck some older lady and ghost her ass. She's wanting to get ghosted

Swayze Demi Moore style. This kid hasn't seen it because he's 22. He doesn't get the reference. The video is cool because you get to hear him accept death. You think? when he starts going downhill he he like accepts it you hear him where he's like oh i'm gonna this is where i die

i'm gonna die now this is i'm gonna die i'm thinking he he might have pissed himself oh for and or shit himself yeah yeah i feel like i would have let both go like just to not have it be something to worry about if you have to fight. It's going to happen anyway. Might as well get rid of it now. Or you shit yourself so the cougar is less likely to attack. To eat you, yeah. They're not going to want to have a mouth full of my testicles with a bunch of shit all over it.

It's like in prison. Are they shitting themselves as a defense mechanism? Yeah, no one will... Oh man, I don't want to have to do that. Don't go to prison. It's not a foregone conclusion. We live in a fucking... It's a police state, man.

Police state, yeah. They're coming for you, for sure. I almost paid my taxes out of fear of going to jail, and then I just didn't for like eight years, and it was nice, but I paid them in order to get unemployment and the stimulus and shit. Yeah, I know you're rich.

You got like 16K in the bank. No, I have like all this money. I wrote a book. Everybody's sucking my dick, calling me Cormac McCarthy on fucking good-looking pills. No one's calling you that. They call me that. Yeah, I know. I'm the best.

You couldn't let me act like it was me. You have to correct the record. Your Honor, that's not true. I ate the most. I was the not-for-seeing champion. No one saw it coming. Everybody was sucking off lawn as a second coming of, I almost said Kurosawa, of Kobayashi. I was the same as Tom Brady getting drafted in the seventh round, coming off the bench.

You were Drew Bledsoe. Why would he have any respect? He was, you know, not that great in Michigan. That's what I'm saying. No one saw him coming. Everybody saw you coming. Yeah. Oh, I don't think so.

Everybody ever saw you coming. Everybody ever. Look at that fucking idiot. My hair people see me coming now. Finally, yeah. Finally you get a little attention you know what i also uh thought of not too long ago just like random shit that we should talk about because it's great was a time when we were walking on colfax and we saw that dude bigger than either of us combined like the biggest. So he's bigger than you. Legally the biggest man alive.

Bigger than Mitch, probably. Thicker than Mitch. Maybe not as tall as Mitch, but thicker. Like, huge. Huge. Intimidating to... He was a stool humper. Next to Sam.

There wouldn't be any stool left. But so big. All in blue. On cold facts. Looks furious. And we're walking towards him. And as I'm like, oh, shit, I hope this guy doesn't, you know, hate us, notice us, and just decide to be angry at us. He sees us and says, guess what? And Sam, instead of being scared like I was, Sam is like thinking that a riddle is coming or like a fun joke

I thought he was about to give me this flower that would shoot water in my face. Something free yeah some free stuff, a bus pass you know he wants a picture with Sam so Sam Sam is like what? and the guy goes get the fuck out of my way

move motherfucker and just was so man was so furious with us. He was Moses and we were the Red Sea. It sucked, man. We were the yellow, we were the Brown Sea because I shit my pants. I shit your pants. That's how afraid I was. Were you scared finally?

Of course. Oh, man, it was so scary. I wasn't, because he said, guess what? And I said, I got a giggle. He was mad. And you thought he was like fake mad, I guess. Yeah, I thought we were going to do a secret handshake. People on thought he was like fake mad i guess yeah i thought we were gonna do like people on colfax often fake mad just playing around i thought we're gonna

do the kid and play foot to foot hand to hand dancing a circle thing ain't gonna hurt nobody you wanted to hurt everybody yeah he was so mad he was pissed yeah and i went, what? What, mister? Yeah, like coquettish. Yes, it was. Oh, man. It just, I used to point to it as like an example of, like I've said in an earlier episode, how you think, or you plan on things working out all the time. Mostly they do for you. I don't plan. I just assume they will.

Yes. So you don't worry about much. Yeah. And you weren't worried then until it was way too late. I don't even know if the two of us could have taken him. And I feel like the two of us could take anyone. We could not have. Except for him.

He was unbridled rage. And he was pissed. Yeah. Just raw fury out in the streets. And me and you probably just ate some ice cream. Yeah, we were having a nice day. Yeah, we were having a blast. Stoned out of our heads.

Going from lunch to early dinner. Yeah, exactly. We were getting our 14 steps in for the day. Then he came barreling out of the 15. The 15 on Colfax is just a rolling mutant cage. It's just, you know, an island of misfit toys on eight wheels. Yeah. The worst shit has to happen on the 15.

Some type of weird vortex where it's just so many different stories colliding on this moving vessel. They cost $1.25 to ride. Everyone can get on. If you just want to get in the back door, you can do that too.

You can get in the back door, you can shit your pants and waddle on up and half of the drivers won't notice. They'd probably be like, hey man, nice load. Hey, alright. Yeah, you don't know what to expect. I remember being on that bus, wanting to get home so bad, and then someone with a wheelchair gets on,

and they have to lower the bus, and it just makes me furious. Well, you can thank ACH's dad for that. What did he do? He's in a wheelchair now? No. He was one of the lawyers that sued the city to make buses ADA compliant. Oh, cool. So now big fat people can get their rascals on and then go from down into Grant instead of just pushing. Well, that's annoying.

Anybody that doesn't have an excuse or a reason. I'm going to say this. The Smiley's Laundromat 15 L Stop at Downing and Colfax is the most buckwild, mcnasty spot in the city. Yep. Yeah, I mean, Civic Center is crazy, too. I'm talking about bus stops. I'm saying, yeah, that's where the 15 and the 0 are both coming and going.

Broadway? That stop between Broadway and Lincoln? Yeah, there's a lot of people right there. I'm just putting it up there as a candidate. It's been pretty wild for the last couple of years because they won't let people congregate in the park anymore. Oh, yes, they sit there. They're all there. They all got to get to work in Aurora.

I got to get to Calumet to see my kids. I gotta go scream at the moon in 20 minutes. I'm first, I got dibs on the bus. And then there's people arguing over who's gonna get on top of it and do Teen Wolf backflips and fucking surf it. It's like a bus in India. Yeah. Man, it's like a Mad Max vehicle. The Sheik is driving.

Uh, man, it's like a Mad Max vehicle. The Sheik is driving. The Iron Sheik has his fucking, his Persian clubs, I think they're called. Oh, man. He's swinging those behind his back. Yeah, he had the clubs, man. I think I would have been the Sheik's friend. Yeah, for sure. What's stopping you?

Uh, I don't know, a generation. Yeah, he's like 80. Yeah. You don't smoke crack. Not anymore. I have. Nice. It wasn, a generation. Yeah, he's like 80. You don't smoke crack? Not anymore. I have. Nice. It wasn't a blast.

Did you get fooled? Did you think it was weed? I got fooled when I was like 13. I was in like 7th grade. People were smoking Foilies and the pipe came around. Yeah, fucking Reed Barry at his house, they were passing Foilies around and I was like, I smoke weed. And I smoked it and just sat in the corner, terrified by a man who died in a car crash

like weeks later. Damn. And this guy Dan, RIP, he thought I was this other guy named Mongo, who was like a big fat guy like me back then. And he was high on crack, and he kept coming up to me like, Mongo, I'm going to fuck you up. And Dan used to carry half a pair of scissors in his like slipknot hoodie. That was his blade. Half a pair? The sharp his uh like slipknot hoodie that was his blade

half a pair the sharp pair no handle well just like one scissor oh one yeah yeah you know i was thinking he got a better pair of scissors to cut him off like halfway down the metal yeah well the metal like a sawed-off shotgun oh yeah you're gonna scoff at a sawed-off this is yes the sawed-off shotgun shoots projectiles sawed-off scissors Yeah, a sawed-off shotgun shoots projectiles. Sawed-off scissors. Sawed-off scissors are either the two points. They could cut harder. They might even cut in a crazy spray pattern.

So you could cut the shit out of, like, tablecloth. You're the dumbest person I've ever met. I'm saying saw them off, y'all. Saw off your scissors, y'all. You heard it here first. Less likely to cut your own dick off that way. So, who's stupid now? Do you think you would? Cut my own dick off?

Yeah. If it made you fly? 50 bucks? If it made me fly. Your old dumb bit. That is one of my old dumb bits. See, Carrera told me to do it at High Plains, and I did, and it ate shit. Much like in the joke. You listen to Zeke, the free Carrera?

I know, well, I told him. Excuse me, Rosé Blanco or whatever he goes by now. Cheque, I believe. Cheque. Cheque. Which means race traitor. No, he used to go by Gringo, his Gringo name. I'm like him. We're both secretly Mexican, so chill out.

You're like an eighth Mexican. I'm a quarter Mexican. 75%. We're Latuinos. You're the same. Is what we call ourselves. Have you said that before? No.

I'm loving it. Latuinos! Yeah, that's good. You should make shirts. Well, I guess it would be better if you were a tween. If you were, what's that, 11 or 12? I'm going to put a Latin hex on you. What were we saying?

So Becker had some bad news today. Yeah? Okay, he doesn't want to talk about it. Okay, so being a Latwino. Blind item. Blind item. Now, what were we saying about Zeke? Oh, he told you to do a bit oh

yeah yeah i told him it would not work he was like just do it and i was like that's it's very stupid that you want me to do it but i will and that's how stupid i am i changed my set well it's not like i was gonna get anything i could have had conan if it weren't for that fucking joke yeah man fucking check it god damn it check. Yeah, he dropped my ass. He dropped my clout score a couple of floors. Nothing happens for anyone at High Times or at High Plains. Nothing goes down at High Times. They're all too stony baloney.

Oh, legalize it, man. Oh, man, legalize it, dude. He's walking around saying legalize it. They're talking about child prostitution. Damn it. Legalize it. They're talking about child prostitution. Hey, man. Legalize it, man. Tweens. Tweens on the dating scene.

La tweenos. Hey, man. Legalize it, man. Tweender. Just tweens dating. A dating app for tweens. Tweender. Man, legalize it, dude.

You have not ever been on any dating apps, no online never online did you have you done it yeah nightmare right it seems crazy it's terrible it seems like we would do okay well we wouldn't do okay because if you just have the picture man you'd have to be i put up that picture i mean will smith you put up that video of you farting like a baby. That would be if you swiped five pictures. It's dinner time. Interests? Just that video. Any questions?

Obvious. Well, it is in that video I am with a woman, so they might think I'm desirable. My sister. And she's filming me with a baby and farts. But still. I'm glad. Oh, man. I would hate to have to be like, no, seriously, I'm cool. Because, like, man, it's so easy to be distance cold. Well, I'm saying, it's got to be hard from the app. Yeah, I think so.

Oh, nice. Yeah. Who's on? Clinedate.com? cold well i'm saying it's gotta be hard from the app yeah i think so oh nice yeah he was on blind date.com yeah you don't get to see each other ahead of time you just meet somewhere he was on pant load you can load their pants the most uh it's got to be tough it's hard to look cool in like three sentences and two pictures or whatever. Not for me, dude. And, well,

and I know... Maybe for your gross lumpy ass. I don't want to sympathize too much with any... I would just say, I eat pussy. Oh yeah, I'm sure there's nobody

that's done that. I mean, I'm not on there. Of dating sites. I eat pussy. And then just be a picture of me with like a thousand dollars cash. That'd be sick. I eat pussy. And then just be a picture of me with like $1,000 cash. That'd be sick.

I would have a skateboard on my shoulder. $1,000 cash in one hand. And I'd be wearing a shirt that says, legalize it. No, it says, I eat pussy. I was going to say you'd have an advantage because even though I don't want to sympathize with short dudes, short dudes hate dating online. They feel like they get Ronnie Dangerfield levels of respect. None?

That's right, yeah. Surely. Did you get that at all where somebody would be like 5'9", huh, and then like block you? I'm taller than that. That's fine. I just threw it out there. No, but it is it's insane the way women

are allowed to speak about height even though it doesn't bother me directly but like the way if guys posted anything about a woman's like

physical attributes that way on a dating profile it'd be a big problem and it's like I put the measurements I desire you can't be shorter

than this only if you 5'3". Couldn't you just say you gotta have them? Like fat tits only? No, again, like I think that's very frowned upon. Whatever it was like heavy mams, yes ma'am. I'm 5'6", so you gotta be at least 6'0", so I can wear heels. Like, no, I don't understand why that's still an okay thing for you to think or say you better have double these because baby

wants some milk i think video five i think i think what sucks is how i've seen like screenshots of profiles where it's just in their bio like six one and only. And I get it if they are very tall and they feel awkward, but also it's just so you're just sight unseen. You're just getting rid of so much of the 60%. And maybe it makes it easier because you don't need 100% of these dudes to consider a bunch of them. So I guess maybe it's out of necessity. Yeah, but that's still like a thing you self-regulate.

Same way that Sam shouldn't get up like you've got to have them. But you just don't swipe on so you don't have, like... Yeah, but that's still, like, a thing you self-regulate. Same way that Sam shouldn't get up, like, you gotta have them. Right. But you just don't swipe on people that don't have them. And you've also dated several people who didn't have them, and you had a great time. Yeah, but I've always been a have-em hunter. I've secretly hated them. You're not with any of them anymore, so...

But I did feed Emily on a strict diet of heavy cream and buttermilk. Get some cheese in her. She could develop some handfuls. Which she has. She used to be all shoulder blades, you know? She was, well, you guys first. She also hit puberty at 24. You guys first started dating, I was going to say, yeah, when she was very, she was pretty young.

She was 20. Short hair. Didn't care. Figuring it very... She was pretty young. She was 20. Short hair. Didn't care. Figuring it out. She was dating me. She was kind of a hobo thin, like a train hopper. No, she was not hobo thin. She was an ex-college athlete.

She was a college soccer player. Billiards. Darts. Varsity quiz. That's what you did. Like me. Hell yeah. You loser.

Well, I went from... How about this for a glow up? How about this for redemption? What, from varsity quiz to volleyball? Cool. I went from third place in the hot dog eating contest to, I think, three years later, first place in the spelling bee on my birthday. Took on dozens of adults. It was an adult spelling bee.

It was adults. Smart, supposedly smart adults. Wow was an adult Spilling Bee. It was adults. Smart, supposedly smart adults. Wow. There was a snake guy. I pretended to be from Canada because I was wearing a shirt that said Canada on it. Nice, I remember that shirt. It didn't fit.

It was small. It was very small. You could see the top of your pubes. In Canada, we like to wear them small. That shirt made you look fat. We go small. Oh, man. Yeah, no, it's cool. Look, if you're a lady out there and you look fat. We go small. Oh, man. Yeah, no, it's cool.

Look, if you're a lady out there and you have them, good for you. If you don't, keep on rocking. Figure it out. Yeah. Good luck to you. I've never been a size queen. Yeah, right. You just laid out your whole thing.

My whole thing is ladies having them. And then me letting me have them. You also having them. Yeah. And everybody thing is ladies having them. And then me letting me have them. You also having them. Yeah. And everybody just kind of having them. Mm-hmm. Everybody being well fed and well read. Well, I was searching for some...

I mean, I went on a pretty... There was a bit of a... What's it called? A pattern for a while there. That's all I'll say. Male pattern baldness? Yeah. That's right. It started to come out. We thought it'd be gone. Male pattern baldness? Yeah. That's right.

It started to come out. We thought it'd be gone by now, but it's not. It's still hanging on. Yeah. You bleach it, you cut it into stupid shapes, but...

Well, I think it's receding. It keeps hanging on. Well, it stopped receding. It receded from receding. Yeah. Right? Like, for the last ten years you've had.

I don't know. I don't really judge people on their looks. Widow speak. Unlike you. Yeah, good call. Yeah. That's why we're friends.

Because I don't get physically ill like everyone else when I look at your face. That's because I'm blind and you're deaf. Yeah. So neither of us are completely turned off by the other. Yeah, exactly. So we get to hang out a bunch. You can order from me and I can help you cross the street. So, look, guys.

We've reached that time in the show where we talk about the best Patreon in the game. Patreon.com slash Chubby Behemoth. We've got people on there and I would say we're not letting them down. No, we're killing it, dude. The episodes are good. We

keep cranking them out pretty much on time. We're irreverent, you know. What do you out pretty much on time we're irreverent you know what do you mean pretty much on time we've only put up two right

is that right three we've got three up there and they're fucking great we've got the AMA coming out next week oh yeah I shipped the

the $20 patrons your shit's in the mail uh oh checks in the mail and I shipped it today and let's just say I got a haircut last night. So get excited, all right?

Get those voodoo dolls ready. Oh, geez. You're making it easier for crazy people to make a doll of you. That's what you want. Well, I want them to bring me back from the dead. I want them to clone me. How about this? You know Gooch out in Vegas.

Who could forget? You knew him. It's an adult named Gooch. He and I started You know Gooch out in Vegas. Who could forget? You knew him. It's an adult named Gooch. He and I started out together. We were in Vegas. This woman stalked him. Do you know about her? I know about her. Do you know about the painting she painted for him? Of Brandon Gooch Hahn? She painted a painting of him

and it was of... I think Brandon Gooch Hahn. Call me Gooch, baby. There was a painting that she made for him, and she wrote on the back, you know, I made this for you. While I was painting you, I got so excited, I started touching myself,

and I decided to incorporate my juices into the paint. Ow, ow. Dude. She gave it to him at a show of mine. I had a show in Boulder City by the dam. Yeah.

At like this cool underground place. Another damn show. Mateos. It was a cool spot for comedy. It was small. We wore suits when we would do the shows.

Because there were like two of them. But at one of them, she showed up. You and Markman and Gooch. Me, Markman, Brian Bruner Brant Tobler

who ended up here the king of sting so get back to this painting she painted a painting for him using her drippings and dripped got her wet ass pussy

dripped Fantasia turned it into wet ass painting a weak asymmetrical painting and it was nice it was Turned it into a weak asymmetrical painting. Nice. It was... Nice.

It was... He was unnerved. Like, we're laughing because it's not us, but he's, like, scared and a little upset and told her, like, you can't come to my shows anymore. Like, he was so scared. Yeah. Dude. If I had a nickel for every PJP that I've been handed, man, I wouldn't be.

Well, this was a woman who was a little older and not wiser. She was a little wetter. And whiter, probably. She was on medication that made her not that wet. Did she have them? No. Oh, that sucks. The main thing was that she was very...

The main thing was that her favorite comic was Gooch. She was like, this lady's crazy Gooch ruled he was like my only friend out there well yeah Gooch stayed there and got like

very funny and you know met a real hot bitch so we are we have to do our so yeah get on the Patreon patreon.com

slash showybehemoth five bucks gets you the goods yeah five bucks a month gets you an extra episode every week. Every goddamn week. That's three fucking episodes we're pumping out to you little greedy little hogs. How many weeks in a month?

What? How many weeks in a month? Five. Okay. That's three a week is what I'm saying. Well, four would be one a week. Oh, three episodes every week. You dumbass.

I thought you were talking about Patreon, man. You pile of gray matter. Man, you're the one that sucks. No, I week. You dumbass. I thought you were talking about Patreon, man. You pile of gray matter. Man, you're the one that sucks. No, I rule. You drool. Look it up. Go to the tape. So yeah, Sam T Nation Worldwide.

We have to... Yeah, that's a plug. That's a sponsor. Sam T Nation. We've got to plug HoldThePhone.tv. Yeah. Have you heard of this name? Long... I can't get it out of my head. we've got to plug holdthephone.tv yeah you heard of this name? long

I can't get it out of my head they've got great shows every week yeah they bring some of the best talent from the entire country

also into your living room Canada maybe some European comics you know there's a language barrier but

yeah there's a trade barrier there's a trade embargo NATO but they NATO green but they he rules language barrier, but there's a trade barrier. There's a trade embargo. NATO. But they... NATO green. But they... He rules.

He looks like Paul Rudd. But... Have you seen him? Yeah, he kind of looks like Paul Rudd. You know what Paul Rudd looks like? Well, Paul Rudd looks great. NATO's got a couple of kids. He looks like Pud Rub.

So we've got... Who's on Hold the Phone? Well, well fun time boys is on 10 16 that's this friday it's this friday god damn it they've got rich summer which is what i had this year personally lots of lots of organ meat uh they've got uh duane perkins yep very funny great restaurant uh eliza skiner no that's how it spells right here fuck you Perkins. Yep. Very funny. Great restaurant. Eliza Skiner. No. That's how it spells right here. Fuck you. Did I miss an N? Yeah.

What's on the page? It's the first time you missed an N. Eliza Skinner is in here. And Mike Scallons. You'd think it would be Collins, but it's Mike Scallons. He's skanking around. Yeah, Cullen Crawford and Christine Medrano. So check them out.

A bunch of great comics. And then Boogie Monster and Hey Girl are having a crossover. It's a Boogie Monster meets Hey Girl with Dave Stone. Spooky as hell. Yeah, so Dave Stone, the 300-pound dump truck. He'll be there on Hey Girl with Kyle Kinane and Matt Bronger. Check that out, man. They've got Hot Tub, I assume, although it's not written down.

Holdthephone.tv. Real great stuff. I appreciate them sponsoring us, giving us the cash so we can get the rash. Yeah, Lunn, you got anything you want to plug? Well, this is coming out Wednesday. We got Lucha Libre and Laughs on Friday, the 16th as well. I'm going to be there. I'm going to try and make it. You're going to actually be there.

Yeah, I'm going to be down there. Or else Nick will take you to court for breach of contract. I did Artie's podcast. What? Mr. Forthrow. What are you talking about? Artie Boucher, not Artie Lang. Oh, okay. Well, you don't tell me

everything. I tell you everything, and then you're like, wow, you're going to be 15 minutes late? Let's end our friendship. Shut up. You've been 15 minutes late 800 times. And so it adds up. Much like all of the cigarettes you smoke. See what I'm playing?

Looks like you're trying to find the clit on a grasshopper. You're playing a violin. I'm jerking your tiny dick off. It's what I'm doing. Thanks, Doug. You're not coming. Here's the nub.

You got it. You found it. I did. It's the button. It was in my ear.