Chubby Behemoth - Oops! All Dudes

Episode Date: October 7, 2020

Manic Training. Custom Auto. Hulk Gloves.   This weeks sponsor Hold The Phone! https://holdthephone.tv/   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth.

There's some coffee up there if you want some I can make you some Let me have some of that beer Alright, here you go Whoa, whoa, whoa He's not serious I know, but when he grabbed it, it scared me He does this

I'm like sleepy I only drink now when I'm sleepy Ugh, yeah I miss pounding nine of those Do you really? Winking at a co-ed? No, I don't miss it at all. I did all the good things and all the bad things that you can do thanks to drinking. Have eight beers and blow a kiss to a meter maid?

Blow a kiss to a meter? A parking meter? Corey Rhodes one time saved me from getting hit by traffic outside of El Torito, and then I shoved him really hard. Just like silently, you know? He like grabs me out of probably getting hit by a car and then I'm just like You face push him? I just lineman his ass like

You got in your pass set? He's the little running back, you know? I'm just like Just lift him up. Drop him on top of a parking meter. Slit his ass. Yeah, make him wear one. It's like slipping on Jeff Cohn's dick. That'll fit.

It's free on Sundays. Yeah, you got an hour. Oh, Corey, man. Remember when he used to come over unannounced and play Catan? The unannounced. Oh, Corey, man. Remember when he used to come over unannounced and play Catan? The unannounced. Oh, Poppin'. The, hey, a couple people live back here, so I should just wander through and just yell out, like, comedy!

Yeah. To see who's down to hang. He brought me that one time. Oh, no, you were an accomplice to his Poppin'. Well, he acted like he... You were Newman to his Kramer. Yeah, we were, like, walking around smoking dope, and I was like, what are you going to go do? And he was like, I'm going over to Sam's to play Catan. You, he acted like him. You were Newman to his Kramer. Yeah, we were like walking around smoking dope and I was like,

what are you gonna go do? And he was like, I'm going over to Sands to play Catan. You wanna come? Yeah. I was like, sure. And then we got over there

and it was very clear that we were wrangling people into playing Catan in their own homes. Yeah, because you had to climb that fence to get in. No one let you in.

Yeah, it was... I remember feeling awkward about it. Well, there was a time where we were playing often but then it also yeah it's like come on

hit somebody up and be like you wanna play do you got an hour to burn it's 9am you got 4 hours to burn get out of my house he would just come

sit in the courtyard with his backpack on just waiting for someone to come out and he'd be like just whistling it's the roads man road dog

gotta love me I'm a comic we have to be best friends yeah I'd come out and let Gordy out and turn around and he'd be like just whistling it's the roads man gotta love me yeah i'm a comic we have to be best friends yeah i'd come out and let gordy out and turn around and he'd have his hand between my legs and hit me with dead fish uh at least we actually you know loved cory so that was part of it too that's a win but sometimes people would just be like yeah this is like the library if you're a comic you can go hang out back there. You can come in, jerk off, use the Wi-Fi. Practice for your upcoming debate show. Yeah, charge your phone.

It was a real fucking way station for all the deadbeats and turds and dropouts. And it wasn't locked, that gate. So you could just come on through and just give out. Hooty-hoo! Who wants to play some dominoes? Hey! I brought Uno! Get out.

I'm a dog guy. I'll pet your dogs. If you need me to. Okay, don't need you to. Don't touch my dog. Their fingers are covered in jam. Stop assuming you're friends with our dogs. He would always come in sticky and get Gordy all disgusting.

Gordy is disgusting on his own. What are you talking about? That's not Gordy Rhodes. That's you not thinking that dogs need... You think that they're cats and they groom themselves. I think dogs can be dirty. They roll around in the right dirt and clean themselves with the mud. Gordy literally rolled in a pile of shit two days ago

and came in and I was like, oh no. And then Emily was sitting on the couch and Gordy beat me through the door and went and hopped on Emily's lap and she was petting him and I was like, no! And then she smelled her hand and she was like, oh god, who had Domino's? Who had some DiGiorno in here?

Have you ever had to express your dog's glands? Ooh, no. Oh. I get a professional. I pay Corey. I pay Corey to come over. Corey, come over.

All you can eat. He's like, no gloves. I can't do it with gloves. And it's like, okay, I guess that's fine. No, have not done that. It's gross, man. Why do you do it? I don't.

To save ten bucks? Emily does it. Emily does it because she is kind of a doctor. Well, she's making musk. She's allegedly a doctor. Yeah, she's bottling it. Yeah. She's selling it to deer hunters across the land.

I won't do it because I don't want to be gross, but I think it's kind of gay. I think it's a gay move to do to your own dog get in there and squeeze his little butt glands it's like hey buy me dinner you're doing them a favor it's supposed to be very itchy uncomfortable but yeah we get that with the grooming that you don't take your dog to i pay to

get my dog groomed i do i paid 80 bucks i do yeah i light a cigarette sit in the corner isn't it one of the most frustrating things yes the the price of a dog yes yeah we go to urban dog and it's like uh yeah that'll be 200 dollars like a dog fuck them yeah oh they're not a sponsor of this pod no they're new yeah they suck yeah one time we were like hey can you know can you groom our dog for 150 dollars like yeah eventually and like they want you to just leave your dog there and assume that they'll be back soon enough yeah for two to ten hours and yeah there was a cable it was a cable situation cable guy where it was like a window that was huge. And all of a sudden, it's been like five hours.

And we call and we're like, yeah, he's next up. And it's like, well, he's just been having a fucking panic attack in your little cage. There's no order over there? You're not giving anybody a number? Your honor, order. Order in this dog grooming kennel. Have you never been to New York? You grab a number.

And then you honor that fucking who-came-when system. There's computers down there. They bought them with all that grooming money. Yeah. I saw a couple of Dells back there. I said, come on, have a system. God, it's like, hey, if you want to genderfy a neighborhood and make $150 per dog, hey, black people, get out of here.

We've got to groom these fucking Malamutes. Oh, yeah. This is the New Denver Challenge. Hashtag New Denver Challenge. I want to know. I want there to be a leaderboard. Who is the lady with the biggest dog in the smallest apartment? I want to know who's got that 250-pound dog in a 275-square-foot studio.

That's the move here. It's like, oh is like oh yeah i'm gonna have a giant dog and then shove them into the smallest little sorry excuse for an apartment well white women freak out watch their hair fall out white women chew their own ass yeah because they're not getting those glands expressed they're expressing themselves all right they're angry they're frustrated because they're a giant fucking dog that needs to, like, run free. They're supposed to eat, like, seven fish a day. And then they're in uptown, you know, and it's like, what's up, dog?

Yeah. Uptown, baby! I walk around the block, uh, once a week. Yeah, some fucking CNA named, uh, Renee has three wolves in her fucking apartment. Artemis has a second dog so that they can both freak out together. They can just bark all day, get nice and tired.

Why walk them around a single city block when they can just bark at each other and every sound? Hello, please contact with someone, please. I don't need a boyfriend. I've got Fowler over there. I don't need a gun. I'm scared of guns. My dog's scared of me. Because I'm a cat person and I won't admit it.

Whenever I get lonely, I just take my pants off, pretend like I had too much wine, and lay on the carpet. And Fowler comes over and cleans my pipes. Man, that show tonight that sucked? Let's get into shows, baby. I had two last night.

I heard you were ruling. I heard you were reigning fame. You know what was nice? All dude lineup. Remember those? It was fun to be bad. It felt bad in a good way. It was like, ooh, we're not supposed to do this. Yeah.

Let me guess who was on the lineup. You, Zach Moss. Yep. supposed to do this. Yeah. Who can... Let me guess who's on the lineup. You, Zach Moss, Al Jackson. That's right. You said all dude lineup. Andy Main. Uh-oh. It's a Patreon. It's a page. Save it for the page. Oh, shit.

Oh, no. Before I forget. No, it's good. No, friend. It's a good thing. Oh, shit. Oh, no. Before I forget. No, it's good. No, friend. No, friend. It's a good thing. I'll just forget, dude. On the way down here, I was behind a giant truck that had on the back, manic training. It was fucking hilarious. What?

Manic training, dude. You got to do a thousand before you're out of here. What are you talking about? It was like an advertisement on a truck. But what's manic training? I don't know, but it sounds fun. Sounds like you can only do it a couple times a year when you're scared your dad's gonna die.

Manic training's where I dream about the dagger. Yeah, that's right. That's what I'm saying. Yeah, there should have been just like a giant screed on every square inch of the truck. Manic training. I'm doing this for me, damn it. It's finally my time.

All my life I've had to put other people first. My parents, my fucking, I had to raise my little brother. And now I can finally focus on the one thing I can control. My body. My choice. Yeah, I was fat growing up. I was dealing with being bullied every day. Teachers called me little pieces of shit.

They called me the turd nugget. They said I was just a loose assemblage of dog dung. That I was rolling around in it. Now I do 150 pull-ups an hour. Now all I think about is my body fat percentage. BMI, TMI, shut up. I've been working out since 92 at least. Manic training's just where you read

the entire bottle of Doc Bronner's. Hi, I'm here for the magic training. Get the fuck out of here! Get out! It's manic training, goddammit! You either express these glands or get these hands! Work out until you can't fucking cry. Work out until you tap out. We're all going to die.

I'm glad. Lunn just woke up, and I did one of the worst shows ever. Let's hear about this show. Was it All Dudes? No. All Dudes. That's a good box of cereal. Oops, All Ddude lineup.

We're going to get written about in Slate. It's JFL 2003. Or 2009. Wait. In Canada, they go backwards. No, no, it wasn't the lineup's fault. It was the booker, the venue, the emcee. The powers that pee.

Yeah, it stunkunk I went up there and the only thing that really worked for me was saying I was gonna fuck these two dogs that were in the crowd oh classic

yeah I was like do these dogs fuck and they were like no and I was like I'm gonna fuck them dogs I'm gonna go down on these dogs

you want feral hog yeah for sure you had to scare them uh huh why was it bad the venue was outside it was outside at Edgewater Market. It was safe. On a Sunday, in the parking lot, underneath some tents, giant expansive place.

Was the sound system good? No. No, no, no, no, no, no. Can I buy an O? Yes. Can I buy a C? Yes. Oh, of course.

It sucked. Jesus, of course. Jesus saves and doesn't come to the show or put money in the tip bucket. And fucking, you know, everyone goes up and just shits the bed and rolls around in it. It was like Gordy when he finds some raccoon shit. All you can fucking swaddle. It's funny that they're trying to mask their scent for predators. And then it's like, guess what, stupid?

There's no predators. You're just gonna smell like shit for a while. You're locked in here with me, Gordy. Guess what? They can smell me, so they're not gonna come through and eat your tiny ass. No! You just smell like horse shit. Yeah. Or goose poop. Like, hey, look, I'm the dog who smells like goose shit, everybody. That's my thing. Hey, check me out.

That's in his Tinder. That's my deal. Like, smell like shit for no reason this is my new thing what so yeah you were everybody

everybody on the lineup was rolling around to hide their scent from predators yeah and I kept telling Noah Reynolds the whole time I was like

you're gonna bomb you suck and he was like well that's not very funny and I was like shut up you're gonna die up there and he was like, you're going to bomb. You suck. And he was like, well, that's not very funny. And I was like, shut up. You're going to die up there. And he was like, well, I don't know. I'll be fine.

And I was like, that's you. And he got up there and was like, my name is Noah Reynolds. I'm 5'2". My birthday is in August. Who knew? Just ate shit. Just does a report on himself. Yeah, he got off stage and he was like...

My parents are Greg and Lisa. They have three homes. My dad's a massage agent. And my mom's a massage therapist. That sounds pretty good. That's pretty good hustle. But people weren't into it. He didn't say that stuff.

He went up there and was like, I'm a little boy. I'm a little teapot. He called me a baby in a direct message, so I decided tonight I would end him. And I did. And he fucking bombed real bad. And then he got off stage and he was like, you got in my head. And I was like, excuses, huh? I literally went up behind him and I was like.

You hear that? Close that window. I was like, you hear that that window i was like you hear that and he was like yeah what is it and i was like that's a fucking tumbleweed rolling through the graveyard of your career you're done we both got second place in the comedy and where's new faces contest yeah i know the host walked up with a second place boys he was like no you want me to bring you on his second place in the contest and And Noah was like, please don't. For everyone listening at home, Noah Reynolds is a typically pretty funny comedian. I think he's amazing. I think he's great.

He figured it out maybe like a year and a half ago. He went from very rough, almost something, and then it started to click, and it got really fun to watch. I mean, I liked watching him as he was figuring it out because... It was fun as a comic, as an artist. I got the old eyes, you know? I've been there, done that, so I saw what he was doing. Like, he was starting to hit the bag a little harder, and it's like, all right, kid, come on. Yeah, you were...

Come on, turn those hands into granite. You were Custom Otto. Which I thought for a long time his name was Custom Otto. Come on down to Custom Otto. I trained Mike Tyson. We'll make you hit a bag, we'll change your oil. Because it was a Nicotino lyric. It was like, Tyson loves Custom Otto.

And I was like, yeah, I bet Tyson has a bunch of fucking cool novelty whips. Call 3-1-2, Custom Otto Auto and we'll get your jag in shape. Is that a thing? It is now. Let's do it. This is manic training. It's manic training. That's right, manic training. While you're getting your auto worked on.

Yeah, Noah finally quit pissing on his thighs and got the stream in the bowl. He stopped doing the lean. It's like you're not tall enough to do the funny lean. No, yeah, quit doing my thing, Noah. But yeah, so if he wasn't funny I wouldn't bully him if I didn't think he was going to have

a good set I wouldn't be like you suck you're the worst you're a die alone you're a virgin your pubes suck that is true like the funniest thing

is when a new comic doesn't realize that us talking to them at all is way better than not talking to them they're like why are you being so mean it's like

because actually I thought we were doing a thing. I'm invested in you. Yeah. I'm your dad. I'm going to be distant, but I'm going to look at you and it's going to be better

than, you know, how I just ignore what's his name and whoever the fuck that is. I haven't said a word to Jacob Rupp once in my life. You're still punishing him.

Yeah. He's still in the corner. No, Rupp also, very funny. I've got to express Rupp's glance. I see. you're still punishing him yeah he's still in the corner no Rupp also very funny I gotta express Rupp's glance I see

he's had some real good he's had some real good sets for sure again if I didn't mention Jacob Rupp exactly

I didn't give a shit about him you know his first and last name exactly I know where he lives he's been around for like seven years

so I guess we should probably we should probably be nice to him now but yeah Noah yeah I pulled Noah's pants down last night. Right as Ben Bryant was introducing him at the Irish Snug.

At the end of our show, you haven't even gotten to most of the show. Oh, no, it sucked. That's the end of it. Our show was... I threatened to fuck two dogs. I made $1,200. Nice. No,200. Nice. No, I didn't.

It was a market like all the different little shops or whatever, like Denver Milk Market, Edgewater Market. I was at Edgewater Market. I'm familiar with what a market is. No, I'm asking what it was. Yeah, exactly like that. Like a bunch of different food trucks or something. I had a lobster roll with Creasy.

Hey, look, we're having fun. For $40. It was $17, and he was like, can I have half? I was like, I guess. Get out of here, Creasy. I bought you an arepa already. Damn. Now I'm gonna arepa you.

That sounds pretty good. Chill out. I got him an arepa and a crepa. Yeah. If you ever want to spend $17 on mayonnaise, get a lobster roll. Alright, that's the answer right there. Total scam. Also, I'm allergic, so that sucks. You still that's the answer right there. Total scam. Also, I'm allergic, so that sucks.

You still eat them. This is my last pot ever. Well, I'm not allergic to the shells. That's the issue. You gotta spit out the shell. You can nibble on it and suck out the juices. Just like eggs. After the show that we did, which was a great show,

it was solid. Everybody did pretty damn well. You were worried about a certain fella going long. Around the corner, no, no, no. Around the corner, after I was walking away, I could hear a guy say something like, Man, all those comics sucked. And I wanted so badly to go back and get into it with him. But I was like 30 feet away, and I was like, man, go home to your wife.

You know, but I was so close to going back. You're going to risk it all. I really, well, God, I heard it, you know. Oh, my God, I got to tell you something. I hate that shit. I hate the idea that this fucking asshole just, you know, judges the whole thing. Probably didn't hear anything. Or, you know, hardly paid attention.

Probably hanging out with his, you know, talking to his dumb friends, and then says that the whole show sucked. Fuck that. But I did go home instead. I guess this is growing up. You went home and fisted your wife. I went home and fisted George Michael and my mom, wore both of them on each

fist. No! Why can't I get any fucking respect? I need to play Hulk gloves now! I gotta punch something with these dog gloves. Corey Rhodes, get over here. Let's play Catan, you son of a bitch. Yeah, I'm winning. Okay.

Back into it. Damn, dude. Damn. So you were asleep. I like to sleep. You sleep from 6 to 9 every night. You know, I had a big day yesterday. I had to go to Megan's grandma's 80th birthday party and then two shows. What did you guys do?

The Macarena? We just gave each other COVID probably. God damn. There's like all these people there and they act like as soon as we get into our little, you know, we're in a room on a golf course in Westminster. It's like, well, yeah, we're not all supposed to be in the same room together, but I mean, we're all,

most of us are related. So it's like, who cares? My sister used to say when I was a kid, she would like take a bite of my ice cream while I had strep throat. And she'd be like, same germs. We can't get sick.

Then we'd have to take her to the vet. Time to express your glands. Sophie would just spray her musk. Yeah. We had, we had a nice, you know, going away party for Nana. She's like, I just want to see my grandkids. For the last time? Why? Let's do this.

Why aren't we on Zoom? It was so stupid. Also, what did she get out of it? She has one. Oh, I get to see the grandkids. She gets her monthly piece of cake. Grandmas suck at parties. They just sit in the corner, everyone goes up, and they're like,

It's me! Tony! It's me! Jeff's boy! Yeah! I do remember the horses! And everyone just slowly grabs a pillow off the couch, waiting for their turn to strike. Yeah, it was...

Grandmas suck at parties. She's, I mean, yeah, she's not... The best the grandma can do is have three glasses of wine and then start crying. Start telling family secrets. Yeah, exactly. I know where he was. He thinks I didn't know. I knew every time.

I gave oral sex to Wilford Brimley. He always came back so fucking happy. No one cosmic bowls that often. The people that they've been with somebody for 60 years so that they're pissed at them for something that they did when they were 19.

It's just burned into their brain. That's all that's left in a grandma's head. It's just burned into their brain. Well, that's all that's left in a grandma's head. It's all the time she's been scorned. There was a Thanksgiving a few years ago. And then how much milk

cost in 1975. There was a Thanksgiving a few years ago where she just kept saying to her husband, to everyone in front of her husband, like,

this is a matriarchy. I am a matriarch. It's like, yeah, if you have to say it a bunch, I don't know if that's true. All right, grandma just,

she's pulling the strings. Grandma just looked up the, she's pulling the plug. a crossword answer. I remember one time I was with an ex at a Thanksgiving, and her grandma

never said anything, like ever, once, for like the five years we were together. She never said a word. And then I brought up Craig Ferguson.

Because I was like, yeah, this guy, Craig Ferguson did something. Did something brave. Yeah, he was a hero. He got sober for the 12th time or whatever. And I said Craig Ferguson. And the grandma said, that man has the devil in his eye!

And I started howling. That's literally the first thing she's ever said in front of me. That man has the devil in his eye! And I started howling. That's literally the first thing she's ever said in front of me. That man has the devil in his eye! And I collapsed to one knee laughing. Everyone looked at me like I was having a pyscher. What's going on here?

And I was like, what do you mean? What's going on here? You're not laughing? She's this old fucking rusted stump who's never said anything. She talks once in between Olympics. That's what she chose to say. She just thinks because he has a slight accent from somewhere that he's definitely not to be trusted. Right. Yeah, he's a sergeant in hell.

It was crazy. I'll never forget that. When I was little, I didn't understand why Grandma and Grandpa were still together when they hated each other so much. That's just what happens when you've been together since 19-odd-eight.

When you're both real big Power Man 5000 fans. They met at that show. They met at Warped Tour. Family Values Tour. Grandpa came for White Zombie, but Tower Man stole the show. Yeah! Grandma's a machine head girl.

She went there to give head to machine head. You're always talking about machine head, oyster head. I don't know. You love the head. I'm playing head games. Big Head Todd. And the mobsters. And my sister gave him head.

A bunch of Italian guys. They're playing Tommy Guns instead of guitars. And the mobsters. And my sister gave him head. Bunch of Italian guys. They're playing Tommy Guns instead of guitars. And we're back. Look, it's about 10 o'clock. I've been drinking some Tall Boys all day. You were at the park. I was at the park getting sunburned. Comedy hang.

Yeah, fucking playing Creasy's Head like a bongo. I was asleep. Hearing some pretty cool breaking news. Meanwhile, you ate, what, a bunch of runts and passed out at 4.30? Let me guess what candy it was. Was it taffy? Okay, so some of it was taffy.

What portion of it was taffy? No, it wasn't taffy. There was some, like, gummy, fruit gummies. Okay. Fruit slices. Oh, man. Peach slices? Peach rings? No, no. They were from Natural like, gummy, fruit gummies. Okay. Fruit slices. Oh, man. Peach slices? Peach rings? No, no. They were from natural groceries.

Nerds rope. No nerds rope. That's the only rope I could climb. The presidential fitness exams. That's cheating. Like, Sam, we got you a special rope. Go ahead. If you can eat it all in 30 seconds, we'll give you a gold star. Oh, no!

What was that? Was that a dinosaur coming to life? That was Jurassic Park. That sucked. Yeah, that was rough. Your burps are the best. I don't know. I was just smoking weed, watching football highlights.

Eating candy. I love how you watch highlights on Sunday. You don't watch the actual game. I don't have TV. You can stream them, you fucking idiot. What, on some European pirating site? It's Ukrainian. I think it's a contested zone.

I'm Ukrainian. Oh, Hygwe. Yeah, you can watch Hygwe highlights.org. I like watching the YouTube highlights from the NFL's channel because it's just the whole game, all the big plays in like 10 minutes. Watch the game. No.

Yeah, you're going to miss the screenplay. Watch the fucking commercials every two seconds. It's very frustrating to watch live TV. Oh, I forgot. You're so busy on Sundays.

I got shit to do. I got a nap to take. I got a blog about my nap. Yeah, you have arthritis from unwrapping all those taffies. After doing unboxing. Yeah. Of my will. You have to do an ung unwrapping all those taffies. After doing unboxing of my

will. You have to do an ungloving. I got to deglove my own ass. Watch a game, dude. That's what the game's built for. You got to understand why this play made sense. Why this pass was so important. I know all that stuff. No, you don't. You're an idiot.

You're so dumb. Who decides the highlights? Huh, Israel? You need to decide yourself. The NFL experts. NFL guys. Booger McFarland, Shannon Sharp. They're all in the editing room.

He's pretty good. He's beautiful, too. Also, he kind of looks like a horse. You ever think about that? He looked like the Broncos logo. Is that incredibly racist? No, I think it's more of a body fat thing. He had like an insane...

I know his body fat when he was playing at the height of his thing was lower than where they thought it turned off your brain. What? Yeah. He was performing at his highest with less body fat than they thought you needed to be able to perform. How much body fat can you have before it turns off your brain?

That's what I'm worried about. I'm worried about the other side of that scale. Yeah, we're going the other way. When do you get wet brain like an alcoholic that hasn't had food in a year? What do you call it? My uncle had it. What was it? Sergio Menendez? I think it's Wernicke Corsica.

That is, because I asked Emily and she was like, check this out. She knew. She knew about it. I thought it was a curling player, but no. It's like the guy who thinks that drinking a beer is like having a piece of bread. Like, yeah, it's fine. The Russian dilemma. My uncle did that until he didn't know what his name was, I guess. He was like, my grandpa, who's the president You?

Me? Uh oh, he's overdue I don't think there's gonna be a third strike We're just gonna go ahead and get you to bed Grandpas are pretty cool at parties, though Because grandpas will get on the dance floor and do the one move they have and everyone's like, go grandpa, it's your birthday and and he's like it's my birthday sick of watching old people dance

what that's been the internet since 94 the other highlights you're watching on youtube i've had enough of them oh look another tiktok where an old person is starting to move their hips god damn it how many t TikToks are you watching? Look, I'm not on TikTok. I'm not allowed. I'm with Trump. No TikTok. I don't need another social media app

in order to, like, fucking create engaging content. How are you going to talk to your fans? I don't talk to them. They talk to me, and I leave them on read. No, people will say that they messaged you on Instagram, and they couldn't get a hold of you, so then they'll hit me up and I respond. Yeah, because you're a psychopath that wants it all.

I have to be everything to everyone. No, it's because I don't eat too much candy and my hands fall asleep. You're a fucking idiot. The only time anybody wants me is when I'm trying to sleep. That's when people hit me up. All right. I'm either driving or sleeping and people are like, Oh, Lund, hey, what's up?

Just wanted to get into it for a while. God damn it. Leave me up. I'm either driving or sleeping and people are like, oh, Lund, hey, what's up? Just wanted to get into it for a while. God damn it. Leave me alone. It's crazy that you're expected to just be there helping people. I'm always helping people. We know a former comic who

started drawing people. Wait, so tell me, try and walk me through it blind item style. What? A former Denver comic mainstay started drawing people. Wait, so tell me, try and walk me through a blind item stuff. What former Denver comic mainstay got upset when a drawing of a certain

female comedian who's always coming or going she didn't respond to him and he got mad. Who is it? I don't know. You don't know?

That's for you to find out. I can't crack the code. I don't reveal my sources. I've got a couple of Broncos country hoppy pale ales. My brain ain't here to thank. No thank-ems. Yeah, have a couple more, and then go 75 on the 25. I'm going pantsless too.

If a cop comes for me, I'm biting him. That's hack. There was a time when I was very drunk and playing loud music uh where i used to live uh on in baker and i was hanging out with a friend of ours and uh we lived next door i lived next door to this guy who like did like eight years in prison for coke you know like was like a part of the you know got caught up in that shit did some time and so like when he moved in he was like hey just so you know i'm over here i got my wife i got my kid can't do the partying thing you guys look like you have a good time that's great you know just so you know i'm not trying to be a dick i just can't you know can't associate can't

get over there and we're like oh man this guy's gonna hate us you know just raging and our houses are three feet apart you're talking about jim's house yeah we used to throw down are three feet apart. Are you talking about Jim's house? Yeah. We used to throw down over there. Three feet, you know, between us, you know, blasting Master P and then this guy trying to, like, you know, do things right this time. Yeah. Hold second chance, Jeremy, over there. That's all I got. Oh, man. It's all on the line. And also, I'm not allowed to gamble.

That's a trigger. But, yeah, one night, me and this young lady were like just blasting music and the cops came because that dude called them yeah because he's trying to like not lose his mind and somehow i was told by this young lady that uh i pulled my shit together turned off the music answer the door like officers and they're like hey we got a noise complaint I guess you guys had some music going and I was like I did not but cool like I we listened to some music earlier but it wasn't very loud but yeah sorry to bring you guys out here for for nothing you know for nothing stay safe brothers and they're

like okay yeah I guess have a good night you know and for nothing. Stay safe, brothers. And they're like, okay, yeah, I guess have a good night, you know. And I close the door and crank the music again. Fuck this guy. Should have stayed in Mexico, buddy. Surprised you weren't like, look, I haven't been causing any trouble, but pretty sure my neighbor's been... My neighbor's been talking a mile a minute over here. I don't know, I can't tell if he's gambling

Or he was molesting his son There's been a lot of crying over there And a lot of shouting in Spanish And then I just hear, it sounds like a straw against a mirror I don't know, but anyway This was a white guy I feel like the way I'm talking You think I'm talking about a Latino fella

But this was a white dude No, uh-uh I'm talking about a Latino fella, but this is a white dude. No. Uh-uh. I'm talking about Mexico and Spanish, but it's just because of his drug connection. This is a white guy. Went to prison. Whoa, Lund!

With a little cerebral racist hemorrhage right there. You were projecting. I want to paint the picture you drew. What color paint would you use? White. Blanco. I bet you would. The only paint you're allowed to... He was a white devil. He had the devil inside him.

No, I had the devil inside me, for sure. Yeah. You're playing AFI too loud for this guy who's got 17 days sober? It was the worst... We were probably the worst neighbors he could have had. Oh, for sure. It sucked over there. These young idiots.

Jim was rich. No schedule. Cam was horny. No day jobs. You were nude and fat and disgusting. Yeah, I was blasting fucking Chevelle. Hey, send the pain below!

I tried for eight years. Yeah, I remember we were over at your house one time and Abby Jordan, friend of the pod, you and I were like wasted and there was like half a DiGiorno's pizza consumed on the table between us. I was so fat at the time

I couldn't strap up both my overalls. And you were your regular porcine mess. And she came in and she's like, Hey, what are you guys up to? And we're like, Speaking in Belgian. I'm a ducker.

And she was like, come on guys, you're not going to have these young hot bodies forever. Funniest thing she's ever said. You know who we should talk about? Neighbor Jeremy. Oh yeah? That little guy? Yeah.

There is a guy who lives in the comedy compound. Okay. He's a lifer. Yeah, he's done his time.. Okay. He's a lifer. Yeah. He's done his time. For sure. He's a capo in the comedy compound crew. He's a cataniac. And he lives, I think, inside one of the washing machines.

I've been in his place once. He has a very small little apartment that reeks of cat piss. Yeah, because he's 75 pounds and 4'10". I think he forgets that you have to change the litter. He forgot that he has a litter box. He just thinks the cats take care of it. He forgot he needs to change his music after 1985. Anyway, all he says.

He comes out. He's got the thinnest wrists. Yeah, just a little guy. Very small. Bopping up and down Colfax. Probably been kicked in the head by a horse or something. I think he might have come out

of the oven a little overdone you think he was overdone? I can't remember I think the crust didn't rise yet oh yeah yeah it was something like that

I think he was in there he might have been in his mom for three and a half months he might have been a six I was gonna say he might have been a yeah he might have been a semester early of a bachelor's I think two months after he might have been a yeah he might have been a semester early

of a bachelors I think two months after he came out of his mom he still legally could have been aborted

that's that's how fresh he was out the oven he uh he just slid out when the water broke and he's like I'm here

he's like yeah and first thing he said all he says whenever he comes out I mean I lived there we lived there what ten years now almost yeah he'll come out and he'll go said, all he says whenever he comes out, I mean, I lived there, we've lived there, what, 10 years now? Almost.

Yeah, he'll come out and he'll go, rock and roll! He's got, well, I've said this before, there's a lot of people that have, like, they don't talk to a lot of other people or a lot of strangers, so they have, like, their certain stock phrases, their go-to, like, oh, I have to interact with someone, so I'm going to say this or this. Yeah, it's like, this crushed once. Yeah, like, oh, I have to interact with someone, so I'm going to say this or this. Yeah, it's like this crushed once. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I had 7-Eleven in 1993.

Yeah, I just brought the house down. I keep, if I say this and this, there's very little chance that someone's going to think I'm crazy. Yeah. But if you say it for 10 years. If it's your go-to, yeah, and you keep seeing people, yeah. He's always just like, yeah, rock and roll. Rock and roll. He's like, hell yeah, jeremy what's up man hey

just fliving just going to the store just been listening to some mega death just been rocking a little judas priest my girlfriend's definitely alive i have an 80 year old girlfriend that's not rock and roll dude that's gross she doesn roll, dude. That's gross. She doesn't wear panties. He's dating a street-walking prostitute. Yeah. She, like, crashes there. She's a lot lizard. Oh, yeah.

The lot's been closed down because of Hep C or whatever. The lot's been overrun with raccoons. My buddy Jancicoc was over sitting with Mel and Sophie on their stoop, and Jeremy came out and hit him with a rock and roll.

And Janskak started laughing because a man who looks like a possum said rock and roll sincerely. And then his girlfriend came out who real Mrs. Krabappel. I thought there were two people that he was friends with

that looked similar but it's not. It's makeup or no makeup. And it's night and day, and it's werewolf and shaved werewolf. She said to Jan Skok, she's like, you're cute. Jan Skok was like, what? Okay.

And she went and gave him the blowjob motion. She went, and he was like, she started going into her pitch. Yeah, she did her catchphrase. I can suck the cum out of your belly button, mister. Give me five dollars. Give me a jewel pot.

I'll empty it in one blow. Give me a tall can of something. I'll suck the paint off that tall boy. Somewhere to put my teeth and then Jeremy was like rock and roll he did it sad sounds like Neil Young

it's her instinct she forgets that she's supposed to give up that life Jeremy had to yank on her chain no you're safe she was no friend rock and roll

yeah every time I see her, I'm surprised that she still has, like, all four limbs, that she still, like, remembers how to talk. I don't know. She's wild. She's lived a couple of lives, brother.

She's had a tough run, man. Yeah. She did what she had to do. Yeah, she survived, man. Kind of like your neighbor. Yeah, he probably, yeah, he did some stuff. And then he has to remember all. Yeah, he did some stuff.

And then he has to remember all of it because he can't party. Yeah. He's got to piss in a cup every 72 hours. Yeah, and then if he's lucky, he gets to drink some of it. It would suck to be out of jail or out of prison, having to fight off sexual advances, and then just seeing Jim eat seven lobster rolls on his porch when he's not smoking Cuban cigars. Hey, neighbor, how are you?

Holding it together, brother? Rock and roll. Yeah, that was a while ago, huh? Crazy times, man. Man. You just woke up. I just woke up, man. i'm surprised you didn't come in furious i'm not like you you are an animal to awaken you you hate it every time i hate it

you act like it's my fault that we have to go somewhere or do something and you're just like oh i thought you were gonna get shit from that damn airbnb and i saw because i got an email that said like the first couple uh words of her review of you and i was like oh here it comes because i like had this idea that she was like just out back or maybe like there was a basement or something and so i thought which airbnb in cortez oh yeah i thought i thought Which Airbnb? In Cortez. Oh, yeah. I thought she was going to be like, these animals decided to blast concentrate the day and a half they were here. They were ringing gongs. Yeah, bang the gong, the decorative gong.

They didn't get it on either. They just banged the gong. Constantly gong banging and bong blanging. Yeah, that's the only time I've been privy to you waking up, and you told me to get a new job. Get a new job. Did I? What? Yeah waking up and you told me to get a new job did I? yeah you said tell Becker

get a new job we had to leave early so Becker could get to work instead of sticking to our plan that we had to agree to in order for Becker to come you wanted to renege on that

and renegotiate and have yeah and then agree to in order for Becker to come. You wanted to renege on that. And renegotiate and have, yeah. And then your plan was what if Jake just got fired? It started anew. The plan to get Becker to come was I was going to put a wig on and you were going to wear a robe. And then we were going to wash his car.

Remember? Yeah, no. Didn't you come in to wake me up so that Becker wouldn't be privy to mine? I didn't want Becker to get a shoe thrown at him. I was like, listen, I know how to talk to him. You gotta wake him up and then back off. It's like beating a lion.

He really did. I was like, should I go get Sam? He was like, no, no, no, I'll do that. He was like, no. I know how to wrangle him. You don't touch on a stick. He's going to catch a feral dog. Yeah, for sure. And other than you suggesting that Jake get fucked.

It was a real easy morning. Yeah, I didn't have to go back in there and have you be like, Ugh. And, yeah, I mean, when I woke up just now, I was very out of it. And there had just been, like, a shootout down the street. Megan was like, either there were a bunch of fireworks at once, or a couple guys were shooting at each other. But we could hear some yelling, too.

So I think it was the shooting. And there were a bunch of cops. Just, like, a few blocks away. One time I was at David Borey's old apartment in San Francisco at 1234 Capital Ave and we were walking back from buying 40's it was like

me and Borey and his old roommate got it and we were like coming back and there was there was a guy there with a giant knife, like a buoy knife. And there was another fella who was standing there, and the guy with the knife was screaming at him. Like, you motherfucker, you come over here, man!

You know, he was, like, Vietnamese or whatever. And then the other guy was like, man, fucking back the fuck off. And the guy slashed at him with his giant knife. So the un-knifed guy, the guy who didn't have a weapon, pulled his belt off and wrapped it around his fist with the belt buckle prominent across his knuckles. Just nailed it. Yeah, and the knife guy was like, you fucking pussy,

put the belt away, motherfucker, what you doing? And the guy with the belt incredulously looks at me and David and the man who can't be named and was like, man, put the belt away, motherfucker! What you doing? And the guy with the belt incredulously looks at me and David and the man who can't be named and was like man, put the knife away! What? What are you, what? Counter-proposal. He was like, sir, point of personal privilege.

How about this? I'll put my belt around your waist. You sheathe your knife in said belt. Yeah, he pretty much Garfield-postered us and was like, it's a living, you know? I hate Munster. Yeah, exactly. What are you gonna do?

What are you gonna do? He's got the belt fist. Against this giant fucking, like, deer sticker knife. Wake me when September ends. Motherfucker, put the belt away. Man, put the knife away. It was awesome. Just no logic involved.

And then we, like, sat there and, like, drank our 40s while they, like, danced with the devil in the knife away. It was awesome. Just no logic involved. And then we sat there and drank our 40s while they danced with the devil in the pale moonlight. Total stalemate. Yeah. Who's going to win this battle of wits? Nothing happened. That's good. That's pretty good. That was when I was abandoned there in San Francisco after I went on the road with that girl.

Abandoned? Yeah, remember? She said, hey, what with that girl? Abandoned. Yeah, I remember. She said, hey, what's that over there? You looked. Yeah. You heard a car door slam and an engine start up, and you were like, huh? And then eventually you looked back, and she was gone. She threw a handful of change against a wall, and you started picking it up with your mouth.

Dude, listen to this. Uh-oh. Tobias Livingston? Yeah. Our old friend Toby? I've heard of him. Come play with us. Tell them that.

Talk about catchphrases. That's a solid catchphrase. Tobias thought that a good way to try to get people interested in a show, if we were in a town and we had to get gas, he'd just tell the person at the convenience store, hey, we got a show tonight over at the Magic Gorilla. 8 p.m. Come play with us.

Nobody's going to come play with us, Tobias. What the fuck? It's me and one, unwashed, disgusting. Hating life because he would want to wake up at like 6.45 in the morning. He used to sit on the edge of the bed. It'd be like 8 o'clock and he'd come and me and him

had been fucking pounding beers until 5am. He'd come over and be like, alright, we gotta be in Tulsa by 7. It's about two hours away. We should hit the road. We should probably get to Gittin'. God damn it, Tony. We paid for this hotel room. We should probably sleep in it. Or London and I would be at the bar where the show is.

We'd be talking to some young people who were like, oh yeah, maybe we'll come check out the show. You guys seem pretty funny. And then Toby would be like, show, come play with us. Walk up all fucking wicked jester. Squirrely as hell. Yeah, he pretty much rock and rolled them.

We got Jeremy with us. He's selling merch me and Jeremy doing the ventriloquist gag yeah he can fit on your knee oh first he can fit on my hand rock and roll I could

get a good parking meter in but Toby Toby we went bowling with Toby the other night me and Dr. Talent solid plan it was cool

we hang out with Toby he rules did you have latex gloves on or were you just we had masks on and there was no one else in the bowling alley. We got reservations. It was a bowling alley in Greeley.

Okay. You know. No one up there to bowl. Yeah, yeah. Well, we live up there, you idiot. And... You're Greeley adjacent. Well, you're Greeley Dan.

Smell the glove. Come play with us. I'm Greeley Dan. Yeah, that was me. We're talking to two hot girls after the show, you know. Like, hey, yeah, you know, we got a hotel room. Toby's like, are they going to come play with us? Play with us.

Yeah. No, but Toby, we're outside smoking a cigarette afterwards, and Toby says, hey, you got any change? I was like, I think I do. Why? And he's like, check this out. And he's like, pull out some change that's less than a dollar no more than a dollar's worth of change whatever whatever amount of change you have though and drop it on the ground and i'll tell you exactly how many coins you dropped and of what

kind and i'll tell you also put some blindfold on he's like also i can tell you if they were made before 1964 if they were made if it's a nickel after 1978, and I was like, what are you talking about? What a beautiful mind. I was like, Toby, come play with me. So I grabbed a handful of change out of my old lady's purse, and I threw it on the ground, and Toby was like, three pennies, two dimes, two quarters. And I was like, what?

It was fucking straight up that. This motherfucker can hear change. He's got the gift. Yeah I was like, what? It was fucking straight up that. His motherfucker can hear change. He's got the gift. Yeah. He wasn't looking? No. No, he wasn't. Cars were passing by.

It was insane. Emily didn't even think it was that cool. I think it's amazing. It was a total that man has the devil in his eye, where I was like, ah! And Emily was like, come on, you kooks, let's get to the car, you goofballs. It was insane. Toby had this power. Is that a power?

Well, what is it, if it's not a power? It's a side effect, I think. It's a symptom. He had a stroke. He had a stroke, and that's just one of the low level benefits. The bright side. At least I can smell change. I can smell pennies from a mile away.

Dude. Oh, Toby. I love him dearly. Remember that time we did his 20th year anniversary for high school? Oh, yeah. In Tahlequah, Oklahoma or whatever. Oh, yeah. We got to see how Oklahoma does the 4th of July, which is you spend 20, everybody spends

$2,500 on their own stash of fucking, like, military-grade fireworks, and then you just hear fireworks for two and a half days straight, and everybody fucking goes deaf. We went on that boat. Oh, yeah. His brother bullied him the whole time. Dude, I will never forget that, because it was just like a snapshot of people

who are not aware of how they sound. Like, people who have a group of friends and that's the only people they see. And then we're the outsiders. Because, like, I heard several of those people keep saying to the... We were, like, on a river and there were official fireworks by the county or something. And they just kept shit-talking them while also marveling at them. Man, it wasn't even that good this year. Oh, shit. Did you see that? Oh, damn. Anyway, man, this

is the end right here, and it sucks. And then they'd be like, oh, damn. They'd get into it, and then it wouldn't be the end. It was never the end. They kept thinking, oh, this is the end, man. This is a bummer. This fucking sucks. And then they're just like, oh, shit. And then the fireworks would spell, where's the birth certificate?

Go, Okie. Coach Switzer for life. Hey, coach. We got to see Barry Switzer in the flesh. Yeah. He was not impressed. He wasn't stoked. No.

He's hobbling around. At his house. No, what I was going to say is that time we partied in Toby's childhood home. Yeah. No, it was his friend Sco like, Scooter or Skeeter. Scooter. Wedgeums. Yeah.

What? Yeah. Skunk boy. Clunky. Yeah, so we're partying in this guy's house, and he's like, you guys get to sleep in here. It's, like, the master bedroom. So me and Lunn, like, go to bed at, like, 5 a.m. after drinking all day. In the same bed, of course.

Head to toe. We've done it. Yeah. Not even head to toe. We've done it. Yeah. Not even head to toe. We just went face to face that night. Anyway, we went to bed at like 5 a.m. All these old people were partying still. We woke up at like 8 a.m.

to them all partying in our room, sitting on our bed. Oh, yeah. They were like cracking cold ones, sitting on the edge of the bed. Like, ah, look at these homos. They're in a bed together. Yeah, they set us up. Yeah, they set us up. They just lived their lives. They're in a bed together. Yeah, they set us up. Yeah, they set us up. They just lived their lives.

They kept partying all day. We were fucking brutally hungover. Go out in the backyard. Get out of here. Go fuck Janice. She's trying to fuck everybody. She's got them out. She had them, too.

I don't remember. She was a real stack attack. Porn if you're honky. So, guys, it's time for the time in the show where we tell you look chubby behemoth or patreon.com slash chubby behemoth get on there we're doing some cool shit five dollars gets you a bunch of cool episodes ten dollars gets you all the episodes and a fucking ama every month and if you do twenty dollars a month which we have a bunch up for some reason we got a couple of creeps.

I don't know what the fuck people are like, here's my address, send me hair. If you sign up for $20 a month, we send you something in the mail. And we're just getting all those out. Low stakes. Yeah, we don't know what it's going to be. I did just shave my beard.

And maybe I saved the hair. I don't know. Just get ready. Let's shave Gordy. No, I'm going to express his glands in the hair. I don't know. Just get ready. Let's shave Gordy. No, I'm going to express his glands in the envelope. Someone did say in the email, because I said, hey, send me your addresses. He was like, all right, cool.

Just please don't seal it with jizz. I'm allergic to penis. Please, no jizz, please. My landlord will be pissed. My landlord's my mom. So get on there, dude. We're fucking killing it. This is the best podcast. Let's my mom so get on there dude we're fucking killing this is the best part let's admit it come on is there a better podcast than us nope this is for

sure the best podcast anyone's ever heard this one here right now this is the beginning of the end when sam starts getting manic again he's manic training it comes and it goes i'm never gonna die die. I'm dead. I'm Shannon Sharp on acid. I have negative body fat. My brain is the only fat in my body. Oh, and then also, get on there, and then, you know, our favorite sponsor, our only sponsor, the best sponsor in the world. Currently our only sponsor.

Ever. But we're open to more. Besides Mark Masters. Ah, Mark Masters with his 30 bucks. Yeah, what a slam dunk, which I never saw a dime of, thank you. I gave it to Becker. You spent it on Taffy. I got some tackies. You got a quarter of your

dog groomed with that money. Yeah, we got the grooming on layaway. Yeah. But anyway, holdthephone.tv, because if you want to watch great comedy shows, and I'm serious, Hot Tub's one of the best shows in the country on Monday nights out there in LA. The last time I did it, I

fucking crushed, but it was also the night of the Grammys, so no industry was there, and all my friends laughed at me because I had the set of the night, and no one was, it was a bomb went off and no one heard it. So they got that, they got Bronger and Kinane doing Hey Girl. It's a great...

They have a guest on there. They talk. They're fun. You know, I think Kinane blows raspberries on Bronger's belly and then Bronger says one of his patented bits like, oh, we got cheesy blasters or whatever. Two of the funniest dudes. And then they got Sean O'Connor hosting Quiplash. If you don't know

Sean O'Connor, he was one of the head writers for Norm MacDonald's shows. Very funny guy. Very acerbic. And yeah, check out their shit, dude. Great shows. Great lineups. And yeah, the Funtime Boys game night. Spectacular on Fridays.

Hey Girl with Matt Bronger and Kyle Kinane. Also on Fridays at 5pm and 7pm respectively. Pacific time. That's right. What time? Pacific time zone. That's the specific time. Rudy, Rudy, do you have any of the

jodako? You put the pudding in the camera and the pictures look all splishy splashy. So yeah, check that out. They do great shows. I would love to make fun of them insincerely, but good stuff on their end.

Dylan, you got any plugs? This is not my real hair. This is horse hair, mostly. I don't know what the minority hair is, but it is typically, mostly horse hair or horse-like hair. Yeah, I have an allergic

reaction happening, so I should probably get these plugs removed. I'm looking good. I'm feeling myself. Lunt's got his groove back. Oh, shit. Now I'm loving it. He's going to send a bomb to a post-op. I have some manic training.

My training is done. I'm ready to go pro. You're going to be in the Hall of Fame of maniacal deeds. And then, hey, Denver. I'm headlining the Denver Comedy Lounge coming up here. What are the dates? I'm not your manager. It's the 16th and 17th of October

get those tickets let's sell it out two shows a night guess what else is the 16th you moron Lucha Libre and Laughs oh good well I should go do god forbid I miss out on that $40 so yeah

god sir give us some fucking money four fingered pig out on that $40. So, yeah. Gossard, give us some fucking money, four-fingered pig. Throw some change on the ground. Yeah, Toby will hear it. Toby comes climbing down the rafters. Well, anyway, we'll figure that out.

Go to samtalent.org. Samtalent.Chechnya. I'm also supposed to be at the Jukebox Comedy Club in Peoria, Illinois the 9th and 10th. October 16th. I'm going to break all rules of time and space in one weekend. I'm zooming in. I'm zooming and I'm shrooming. Anyway,

I don't know what I'm up to. That's no good. But I'm the best. Lun just woke up. We had a woman in the room that's insane uh anything you want to plug all right she's not allowed to talk because it's after sundown and this is shiite law you want some you want some taffy no i'm good