Chubby Behemoth - Original Bum Fight

Episode Date: December 11, 2020

Beating Cars. 2nd Favorite Sweep. Jesus TF Christ.   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth.

Yeah, I think you should arrange that. Can you be our PR guy? Can you get me in the room with BBC? I guess I could try. I don't know who I would talk to. I've been in the room with a couple BBCs, and it's always intimidating. It's like, what do I do? Do I look it right in the eye? Do I ask it for an autograph? Now, London, I can't really hear you. Oh, because I didn't laugh that hard? You think there's something wrong with the mic? Our connection's not very good. You didn't really respond to my killer BBC joke. Yeah, you didn't hit me with an, oh, damn, that's good.

Damn, keep, oh, man, we better save this for a page. Hey, this is not a page. This is a regular episode of The Chubby Behemoth. Thank you guys for tuning in. You're here with me, your star, your lead, Sam T., a.k.a. Terrible Talent. I'm joined by a couple of guests. Do you guys want to introduce yourselves? Hi, I'm Jake Hamill.

Hey, Jake. How are you? Pretty good, except the Red Sox stink. Okay, so you're a Red Sox guy. Yeah, they're not looking too good. Hopefully they don't stink. All right, and who's our other guest? I'm Zach Moss. Hey, Moss. How do you feel about the Red Sox?

I don't understand baseball. It's got too many moving parts. All right. Sounds right. Baseball stinks. Everything stinks. That's my move. I like how you guys chose to be characters that I've barely heard of.

You got to get out more. I mean, I know that Hamill's taken the media by storm. I like that Hamill says that everything stinks. Meanwhile, smoked so many cigarettes, he lost his sense of smell. He doesn't know what stinks. smoked so many cigarettes he lost his sense of smell he doesn't know he doesn't know what stinks also isn't he smoking despite the fact that like they had to remove one of his lungs they had to remove both of his lungs and part of his brain and he they didn't they didn't get the chunk of the cerebellum that uh craves nicotine so he still wants to smoke doesn't know his own name

but he's still smoking like a chimney yeah the only thing that changed is instead of liking the red socks he's into the syracuse orangeman which is very strange just a yeah just a slight pivot from pro baseball to college sports from from season to season syracuse track and field stinks man I thought they had a good shot put on this year but he sucks yeah shout out to Jake Hamill he's cool I think whenever I see him it's him yelling out the side of an Argonaut van Argonaut yeah because he just works for Argonaut and he drives their van around and I'll hear it be someone be like hey hey Sam T and it's like oh god who's that And it's like, oh, God, who's that? Oh, it's Hamill. Okay. Yeah, you're right.

I actually saw, I ran into him a few months ago, and he was driving. I thought he was driving for a specific company. But Argonaut, solid operation right across the street from where I live and where you used to live. I used to live down there, man. Argonaut, you can get 24 Tallboys of Rolling Rock for $12. Come on. Yeah, we used to do a lot of tall cans from

Argonaut, for sure. How can I not afford to just be shit my pants drunk if I can get $0.50 per Tallboy? That rules. Yeah. Yeah, those little shooters, too, are very cheap. You can get a little

shooter. Yeah, you can sneak them onto an airplane or into church. You can put them in your butt. You can keister them, get into your parole hearing, you know, and then slip a quick... Holy cow. I'm going

full Hamill. Come on. uh holy cow um i'm going full hamill uh come on sneak in a quick sip there we go you did it buddy you know it'd be fun you know it'd be a fun experiment is if i put a shooter in my butt with the cap exposed and then you backed up and tried to unscrew the cap with your own butt and then it opened up and Becker was laying on his back and the liquid fell into his open mouth. If we could do

a hands-free butt-to-butt booze exchange into Becker's mouth, that would be cool content. Yeah, if anybody wants to give us a big sum of money on Patreon, I'll do that. You need money for it? I'd just do it for the love of the game. Well, you're not drinking liquid out of either one of your butts.

I feel like me using... It sounds almost perfect, but I think that me having to use my butt would be very, like almost impossible. I would maybe have to use my pee hole. You'd have to dock it? Yeah. Well, cause then I could like manipulate my dick and the pee hole to unscrew the

cap. Otherwise what am I going to do? A cartwheel so that my butthole can unscrew the cap. I'm just, I'm in a Gforce machine so that i can so that i can loosen that shit so yeah let's get real uh let's talk you know p-hole and then i'm giving i'm giving that little smirnoff a little kiss we would we would have to organize it so like i did a heel click to the left and you did a heel click to the right

at the same time and that's how we would unscrew it okay yeah unless you just did like a standing inverted 900 maybe butt to butt is back on the table we're we're getting there yeah i think the issue would be though as soon as you backed up to unlock it you would push it deep into my butt crevice. Oh yeah. There's a chance we lose that shooter for sure. For sure. Yeah. We're not getting the deposit back. Um, cause my butt is, you know, probably 18 inches deep. I think we've talked about this. So I think that you would submerge it in the meat, in the meat chasm. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Let's let's uh let's save this for when we talk to mit because they are the experts on the logistics you know i think we should save it until we talk to icp because this seems like a gathering sideshow event that we could do we could maybe get 500 bucks each from, from ICP to spicy,

to spice up the, the gathering. Yeah. 2021. They used to do, are you down? Did they move it to Vegas? I don't know.

No, it was going to be here. Yeah. They were going to move to Colorado. Colorado. Yeah. Okay. That's yeah.

I knew it was, I knew it was going to be somewhere that I had ties to. And so I was like, was it Vegas, like north of Vegas? They could just do it next door to Burning Man and just fight Burning Man. That would be pretty cool. They would crush Burning Man, dude. Yeah, just take it. I guess they're about love, though. They're pretty cool.

Yeah, but they're also about wanton violence. They're also about random displays of evil. I mean, yes, they're about community, and yes, they're about family, but also... They're more about no one gets kicked out. I've seen a Juggalo beat up a car before, literally. And then they welcomed him into the party later. He was the party. The party didn't start until Jason Hatt beat up a guy's car.

Yeah. And we were all out there like, what do you mean you're going to beat up the car? And he was like, watch this. He had a Juggalo rider's tattoo on his neck, JRB. And he just fucking proceeded to beat up an Oldsmobile. Well, hopefully he didn't call it any slurs, and that would make it a little less hateful. He was half black.

Oh, now we're talking. That reminds me that I also got to beat up a car. Got to? Yeah. It was actually very fun. There was my buddy Landon. It was actually very fun. There was my buddy Landon, his parents lived next to a lot, just a vacant lot with nothing on it. It was just a little Conrad and Landon, we go to his parents were like, can we blow up that car? And they were like, well, no, you should probably wait and see if somebody claims it. And

so I don't know how long we waited, but it was got a lifetime because we wanted we wanted so badly to be able to destroy this thing before it disappeared. guys just pacing by the window drinking surge oh yeah just crossing the you know crossing the days off the calendar just hoping and praying that we don't you know that we don't see the this dream dashed by some asshole that calls a tow company and sure enough eventually we got the green light from Landon's parents. And we just, you know, beat it up. We threw shit through the windows and hit it with bats and rebar and shit. It was awesome. I wonder what that conversation was between Landon's parents. Like, when was the decision, when was it finally okay?

Like, you know, they go to bed. Landon Sr. and Womandon, they're laying down in their bunk beds. was the decision when was it finally okay like you know they go to bed landon senior and uh woman and then they're laying down in their bunk beds i assume and they're like well the boys have been good you know they've been patient uh we got all we got eggs yeah we got a's in school we got uh yeah we ate all of our eggs. We were nice and strong. Yeah, let them get out there and whip up that car. I think it was just a matter of, you know, like I say, there was a period of leniency, a grace period, a three days grace period.

We were blasting a lot of three days grace in anticipation. But yeah, I don't know. I think maybe just to make sure that someone wasn't going to come for it, you know, that there wasn't like going to be a handoff or but yeah i don't know i think maybe just to make sure that someone wasn't gonna come for it you know that there wasn't like gonna be a handoff or something i don't know what kind of car no just i don't know it's just like an old beater i forget what it would have been but it's just some it was an old car not like classic it wasn't like a nice jake thinks it's like a an oldobra. Yeah, an old Cobra. It's a Model T. I like cars that aren't nice.

Model Ts aren't nice. You like cars more than people. I do. Because cars don't call the cops when you won't stop screaming at them. And they make sense. If you drop a cigarette in a car, the car is not taken away by protective services.

I would say it was probably from the 80s and it looked like it didn't run. You guys didn't try and have sex in it first? No, it was just four of us fat guys that weren't get really getting laid a whole lot yeah and why did you only hang out with people with the names of civil war generals what was that about landon and macarthur and what was the other one tormod caesar no what was the other kid you mentioned conrad yeah conrad. No one's really named Conrad. Conrad, his dad is from Iran and his mom was a white lady, boring ass white.

And that was the compromise, was Conrad? They went with Conrad. How far out did dad want to go? Dad probably wanted... Yeah, Gorsorszmaik. yeah, i don't know if... i mean i feel like that's a good compromise, right? he's like i want a traditional hard to pronounce easy to make fun of name and his mom was like well we got Conrad you know that's the best of both worlds it's's white, but it's foreign.

Yeah, it's a little Conrad. Yeah, we, God, he's a good guy. Good guy. Take your word for it. He's the one I jerked off next to while he slept. Classic. Because he had the unscrambled porn. I couldn't resist.

Yeah, and you already ate enough eggs. You were like, let's keep this party going. I ate't resist. Yeah, and you already ate enough eggs. You were like, let's keep this party going. I ate my eggs. We got all fucked up one night and went to Blockbuster and rented some stuff. And Conrad, he had this big truck and we bombed that through

the desert. That was pretty good. Pretty wild night, the two of us. going to blockbuster unhinged getting some cookie dough bites oh yeah we probably i don't well i don't like to steal but we might have ended up with a couple of free packages of red vines they fell off the truck why didn't you want to mention what you rented why did you say we rented some stuff i don't remember what we rented but i know i thought you rented why did you say we rented some stuff i don't remember what we rented but i know i thought you rented some bad blockbuster porn blockbusters didn't

have porn where i worked at we had porn there you go you're in here first folks but i didn't you know i didn't touch it and i guess i was still in high school so i don't know if i i don't know if i was allowed to rent any of those i think i was 17 and i worked there my cousin sarah worked at the movie rental place which ruined it you know because i couldn't go back in the adults only section anymore without her like you know sending a postcard to my mom and dad it was 1875. But it really blew it because I used to love to go back in there and peek, you know?

Me and Bonzo go back there and sniff around, see what's on the top shelf. Yeah. No more. The only good thing that came from it is I would always rent ToeJam & Earl and she would make the late fees disappear.

Oh, yeah, yeah. A lot of power. I'm an inside woman. A lot of power behind the behind that keyboard you know you can make all of your troubles just disappear for you know for the right price it's crazy the first time someone makes a late fee go away like i remember my aunt julie used to make me pay my late fees at the library and then i was like 15 and she was i was like oh and julie i didn't return this book and she was like i'll take care of it and i was like 15 and she was, I was like, Oh, and Julie, I didn't return this book. And she was like, I'll take care of it.

And I was like, I literally wasted hundreds of dollars in late fees. What were you doing? What lesson were you trying to make me learn that you just totally absolved? It obviously was not, there was no lesson learned. She was trying, but you racked up a hundred dollars or more. Well, yeah. Cause I was trying to stick it to her. You were, yeah. You were running up a hundred dollars or more well yeah because i was trying to stick it to her you were yeah you were running up a tab just i was i was like well no one else is allowed to read the encyclopedia

monsters but me all right julie never forget you peed on it no my buddy zach toll did pee on a bunch of books i've told this story to you i think zach toll directed my comedy special and my Aunt Julie ran the library in Douglas County and his mom, Sheila was a bit of a goofball a bit of a dope-spoken hippie and Zach peed on a bunch of library books

when he was like five and Sheila refused to pay for these library books because she thought it was like a natural thing for a child to do It's an act of God. Well, God's most beautiful little messenger. A young child. He was on a bunch of goosebumps or something. So that was all known. And then when me and Zach started hanging out,

my Aunt Julie met Zach when he was like 12 and was like, were you the kid that pissed on all those books and your mom refused to pay for them? And Zach was like deeply ashamed. Come on, he was five. That doesn't make sense. He might have been in fifth grade for all I remember. I don't know. I just know that he pissed on some books. That makes more sense then for the shame.

And then one time, Zach and me came downstairs in the morning and my grandma was there and she wasn't telling anyone she was blind. But Zach came downstairs and she just started beating on grandma was there, and she wasn't telling anyone she was blind, but Zach came downstairs, and she just started beating on him with her cane because that was a fun gag. She would play with me.

She would whack me with her cane and laugh. And Zach never met this old crazy Mexican lady, so she just whipped on him with her cane, and he was like, what's going on? And my grandma was like, oh, I'm so sorry. And we were all like, are you blind? She was like, oh, I'm so sorry. We were all like, are you blind? She was like, oh, si se puede. She's like, I don't know.

She's a chicharron. Yo no se. She forgets English. Posiblemente. She did both, right? She was bi? No, she hated speaking spanish oh okay she thought it was a dog tongue she forgot it on purpose

damn yeah she was a self-hater well i think there were probably a lot of other people that were doing a lot of the hating that led to her hatred as she was like, yeah, me too. They stink. They stink. I'm not brown. I just fell asleep outside. Brown people stink. That's Hamill coming back in. Yeah, that's Hamill before he left Boston, for sure. Yeah, until he came here and got to learn about brown people in Denver.

Yeah. I guess probably there's got to be more Latina people than Boston. Well, it depends on if you count the Portuguese or not. It's illegal to be brown in Boston. A lot of Portuguese in Boston. That's all I'm saying. I don't think that's true. For sure it's true. Yeah, that guy that Marky Mark almost beat to death was Portuguese.

Which one? I think he was Asian. No, because Marky Mark committed a couple hate crimes. Everyone forgets about it. He was Filipino. I got my P's. I think he was Vietnamese. Was the guy Will Smith beat up Filipino?

Will Smith beat a guy up? Yeah. What? Yeah. What? Yeah. Not as bad as Marky Mark did. Was he also yelling hate speech while he did it? No, I think his was like

actually like a confrontation. Okay, you gotta get to the bottom of this one. All right, I'm looking. Keep going. Will Smith? Yeah, you met him and apparently you

are, by association, a real piece of literal shit. Oh my god. This is going to be what cancels me finally? That's why Quibi went under is that allegations started to surface that Will Smith was

just a total knob. I mean, I bet he bangs his kids, but beating up a Filipino, that's a bridge too far. I didn't know until I just read this article that Marky Mark beat up two Asians that day. He loved it. The first one he

beat an unconscious lamb, and while he was fleeing, he beat a second dude, Hoa Trinh, punching him in the eyes. Yeah, he blinded him. You know how hard it is to beat up a man while you're running away? Jesus. It's hard to do anything while running, especially run.

Yeah, you're already facing an uphill battle if you're going to run somewhere, let alone have to swing on someone and be racist at the same time. You're multitasking. He blinded that Vietnamese fella. Not with science, neither, with his fists. You know, if I may make light of an awful thing. Yeah, in 1989, Will Smith attacked a man and almost left him blind. What the fuck?

Willie Will and Marky Mark are both a couple of dickheads, huh? Again, I don't think Will Smith's was a hate crime. I think it was an altercation. It wasn't a love crime. Well, yeah, but I think Marky Marks had a lot to do with the guy's name being Lamb. It was a motivating factor. Will Smith was just upset

because this person cussed on his records. Yeah, he was the Lamb of God and Will Smith's a Scientologist. Or he was, excuse me. What was a Boston Beatdown? Boston Beatdown? Boston beatdown? That's my favorite hardcore sampler.

That's a Ramones song. Boston beatdown. That's why Jake Hamill had to leave. Got sick of watching Boston get beatdown. Stinks. These Bruins, goddammit. I've been wearing all orange today.

I'm in an all orange outfit and I gotta say it's pretty exhilarating. That's a real bold move. You left the house. You let Emily post a picture of you.

I did let her too because I was like, I need to post that. People will love it. Emily posted it. You know, she gets 35 likes. She's high-fiving the dog.

I could have pushed that thing to over five. Easy. Will you stop itching yourself or doing whatever you're doing? Oh, click-clacking? Yeah. Are you scrolling through your OnlyFans? No, I'm picking my fingernails.

You're the one that scrolls on the job. That giant microphone is picking up you picking your fingernails. Well, damn. So, knock it off. What if I hear... I'm going to start making other noises. You try and tell me if you can hear them. The mouth

noise that you made right next to the microphone? Yes. That got picked up. Damn. Strike one. You got picked up. You suck. Strike one. You know it's snowing. Yeah, it's snowing up here too and it's very fine snow like a dream. It's not going to be a dream when you fall and crack your head open on it. I'm not going outside for the next couple days. You got to let the dog out.

No, the dog has his own thing. It's his birthday. He's 13 today. Yeah, that's pretty wild. Yeah, we got him a whore. Got him a dog hooker for his birthday. Straight. Yeah, it's pretty sick.

They're down there making some money. Emily's down there watching. Well, yeah, if you're gonna pay it's not like gordy has the money to pay for that whore dog whore dog whore let's pitch that show to bbc america oh yeah i was gonna say earlier that i got to do a segment on a show on bbc2 called horizon and i thought oh man this could like you know blow up or all of a sudden i've got a decent like following in england or in the uk no nothing absolutely nothing nobody ever said anything about it uh but yeah, it was a show that Show Horizon, what's his name, hosted it, Jimmy Carr.

So, you know, I thought people would watch. It was an episode about laughter, and I got to be on it. And yeah, I don't think anyone saw it that gave enough of a shit to hit me up about it. I've never, that was like 10 years ago. Why'd they pick you? Yeah, were you doing comedy or just talking about Caldwell?

It was, it was because of Pete McGraw. They knew him. That fucking huckster. That fraud. Yeah, they knew him. And so he asked me if i wanted to come up and be a part of it and i said hell yeah nice and yeah they so this part of it was me talking to him and then i think they ended up filming me at a show i don't know if it would have been it wouldn't have been the Boulder comedy show.

It might've been at like the lazy dog, but they're there. They got some footage of me and then, you know, and I liked what they went with. Like I didn't look like a complete asshole. I didn't think. It just goes to show how bad comedy is in the UK. If they had to come here and get you. They had to get Dr. Pete to tell people the science behind laughter. Dr. Pete, who's never made one human being

laugh in his entire life. An expert on comedy. I had to debate him at the debate show that one time. Ooh. God, I feel like I had the entire history of American stand-up on my back. I crushed him. He didn't like me after that. Yeah. I can imagine.

I called him like Dr. Peter McGuffaw, and he was like very good. Let me explain why that's funny. You see, my name is not what he said, and he introduced me as if he was going to say my name, and he broke the

social contract. That's why you all enjoyed it and found mirth in his comment. Then someone threw a banana peel at him and mooned him. I was like, now that's funny. That banana peel came out of a man's butt. Can you explain why that's funny? Well, the social contract states

butts are not for showing. Anyway, I am glad you got that and i did watch it and i was like this rules way to go lund yeah i'll bet i did i was cheering you on i'll bet you watched the bbc too like you like to do on friday nights yeah you pretty much did like to catch a predator uk you did you did like frontline or dateline or 60 minutes. This is going to blow me up. BBC 2 is actually

BBC Nambla. Nobody reached out because I looked like an adult. BBC. What does this sound? Whoa. Yeah, BBC. What does this sound? Whoa.

Yeah, pills. Cool, man. Let me guess what's in there. Those are for dogs, right? Yeah, Mama needs to take her anti-seizure pill. She's very anti-seizure. See? I can tell not only if they're pills or not,

but also what kind of animal they're for. Just by the sound. You would have known they were for humans if you had started salivating. Yeah, if my dick got hard. BBC Two, sponsored by Boko Haram. BBC One, BBC Two, BBC Three. You know, like from Austin Powers. Yeah, baby, yeah.

I thought I was going to get to talk to Austin Powers about my joke style. Oh, Mama knew. She heard the pills and she came calling. Yeah, Gordy just came to the door too.

Yeah, time for his Viagra. He hopes that Mama will put him on the glass for him for his birthday. All nine of them. Yeah, let's see him, Mama. He's got the heavy hangers. Show me where puppies feed. That's burned into my brain as well. Oh, yeah.

Show me where babies feed. I tried to tell Stanhope that, and he cut me my brain as well. Oh, yeah. Show me where babies feed. I tried to tell Stanhope that, and he cut me off, and he was like, yeah, and I said, show me where babies feed, and I was like, okay, well. Yeah. That was my opening anecdote. That's the I'm Rick James bitch, that style of cross to bear that Stanhope has. You know what we've never talked about on here and I can't believe is how you were in bumfights.

No, I wasn't. What? I was not in bumfights. I knew a couple of the guys that did bumfights. You didn't direct bumfights? No. I lived with one of the guys a few years after they were done with Bumfights

because they did like two videos and then all of a sudden either had never filed a trademark or they didn't, they let it lapse or something. And so then some other company put out one or two bumfights videos that were very very different from the original two the original two were just uh you know a group of taggers and like uh you know these like filmmakers that really that like hop trains and and met those dudes, the homeless guys from skating. And then the later ones were just, you know, a lot grosser, a lot meaner and completely, you know, manufactured.

Yeah. And financially valuable. Cause those later bum fights, I remember I had a couple. They threw the crack in the pool. Was that your best friend or was that one of the later ones? Crack in the pool? Nah. Yeah, they threw some crack in the pool and they were like, drowned each other and the winner gets the crack.

That was probably a later one. That sounds more authentic than a director and a bunch of punk kids. Well, Becker woke up to weigh in. Thanks, Becker. Becker, did you ever live with anyone who exploited homeless people? Yeah.

I did a lot of heroin. When would you go and find Kembo Slice? No. What? Kembo Slice came from bun fights. No. What? He came from Bun Fights. No. He was in Florida and the

original Bun Fights guys were in Vegas and San Diego. Yeah, and Lund was like the artistic director or something, or he did wardrobe for him. I can't remember. You're remembering wrong. I knew one of the guys years after the fact.

And you were like an angel investor? I was the bum coordinator. Yes, that was it. All right, yes. The veil has been lifted. Yeah, you were casting director. Private detective, Sam, not very talented. Whoa.

Has cracked the case. Yes, I was HR for Bum. I wrote the checks. I did the orientations. I went over a lot of the rules for the Bum fights. Did you check each Bum's orientation? I had to check and make sure. Yeah, we didn't want to do any.

No gay Bums. We didn't want to do any... No gay bums. We didn't want any hate crimes. You know? So yes, I had to... No, I didn't get to meet any of those guys. Any of the bums? No. You didn't get to.

I didn't get to. Well, they're people. It's not like they were pure evil, you asshole, you classist. Hey, man, you're the one calling them homeless they they were experiencing homelessness they were individuals that have found themselves preferring hugs over roofs now here's something i want to talk about there's been a bunch of homeless sweeps in Denver. Sure.

I'm against it. You probably love it. My second favorite sweep right after supermarket. Also steaks. I love a good sweep steaks. You could already be a winner, you fucking idiot. You might not even know that you have won. Because you don't have an address how stupid you are we sent you several things in the mail saying you have a prize with

your name on it and you ignore it yeah because you ate the envelope because you're so hungry so these sweeps you know no matter where you stand whether you're against them or for them like lond i think that uh there's some people who have been posting online about how they're organizing, you know, and they need donations so they can bring peanut butter sandwiches and carafes of coffee to the homeless people. Do you think that some of these people might be embezzling the Venmo funds that come their way? I would hope not. I would hope not as well what if

they had a history of embezzling well that's when you yeah that's when your your ears start to perk up and you wonder if everything's on the up and up because maybe for some reason this person is always number one in your stories and you see him every day on instagram and who knows why that is maybe because you did a deep dive seeing if this person had them or not. You kept having to check back in. More research is necessary. Yeah, well,

my monocle kept falling in the toilet. But I just wonder if this could be happening. I would hope not. I feel like mistakes have been made with all kinds of people, and the best you can do is hope that they learn from those mistakes and feel bad and have grown and have become a different person, a better person. Someone who tries, someone who is trying maybe to even make up for those past mistakes so that's what i'm hoping is the case

uh i have no idea if that is uh the case with whoever you're talking about but i'm not talking about anyone specifically you literally said that it's a person who's first in your instagram feed what are you talking about well hypothetically if i was on instagram which i'm not you know allegedly yeah whoever has sam talent is uh that's that's not me they're camping on it part of the same photos of me which sucks i don't know how to keep getting them yeah uh well you know what else is annoying is it's like, hey, I want to help people, so help me so I can help people. And it's like, okay, you're the middle person. You're the monkey in the middle.

Ooh. Well, that's a figure of speech. Not hate speech either. It's just a figure of neutral speech. I'm neutral. That's all I'm saying. Your pH is balanced. It is, man. You know what? I would

believe that I probably have a pretty high acid. I bet I lean more on the higher on the pH scale. Yeah. I remember being... Like blood and urine? Yeah. Like battery acid. Yeah.

I drank a bunch of tequila and ate a bunch of Morning Glory seeds. And we didn't know the Morning Glory seeds had poison on them. So I got poisoned really bad and I threw up a bunch of blood. And I remember we were dropping toilet paper in the toilet. And it would sizzle and burn. From what came out of it. Oh, your it. Oh, I forgot about the piss. It was vomit and piss and whatever we could get in that bowl. And it just got dissolved, the whole roll.

Yeah, it was really eye-opening. It was eye-opening, I'll say that. It was eye-opening. I'll say that. Do you remember there was that guy that had a book that he had an infomercial years ago about the health tips and the secrets about nutrition that they don't want you to know about? Do you remember that guy? Yeah, I think so. Was this the guy who was all about like turds no he was all about uh acidity how uh he would he one of his big claims was you're the cancer can't live or exist in a body that is alkaline and so he was talking about how you had to make your body alkaline and And if you were able to do that, then you couldn't get cancer. And everybody just

kind of like laughed him off. And I, what if he's right? So you lived your entire life regretting not buying this book? I think I bought the book. I think we had it. My girlfriend and I at the time, I think, had that book. And I just, I don't know. It's not like I keep my body alkaline all the time. I don't drink soda for the most part. But I mean, I have tasted your sweat and it's pretty salty. I can say that. Yeah.

Well, yeah. So I don't eat healthy, but I don't know if I'm acidic. I don't know if I have cancer. I could be one big tumor. I could drop dead in 10 seconds because there's a fucking tumor exactly the size and shape of my entire body. I would have no idea. I haven't seen a doctor in eight years. You need to go to a doctor, dude. You might find out that you're acidic.

What about that? Happy Hanukkah. I wish I wouldn't have cut my hair. I'm going to hell. Wait, no, there's no hell. There's no hell. Nice. I'm doing the eyebrows.

You know what I mean? No hell, huh? Ooh, hey. I'm going full Belushi. I can do a deeper dive on some Instagrams knowing there's no repercussions. Oh, hey. I'm going full Belushi. I can do a deeper dive on some Instagrams knowing there's no repercussions. Oh, yeah. Nobody's going to reveal your search history in heaven.

Come on. God, I hope not, dude. Nah, come on. I definitely haven't Googled people's names that I know, followed by nudes, question mark. That's not a new thing I've been doing. Alexa, go through my friends list

and show me who's naked. That's a cool move. You could do that for a while online. You better Venmo some of those nudes. Nudists. No, no, no. Pay up, bitch.

I don't pay up that's my thing you take a widow's peak around that paywall you're like oh what's over there i just ran my horse there was a woman that had an OnlyFans and somehow a Twitter account for like Fort Bragg's base or something started tweeting at her instead of DMing her, you know, just like, so it was just like, you know, public. Everybody could see these tweets that were saying things to this woman about commenting on her pubes and suggesting that they bang or whatever. And it led to her quintupling her income from OnlyFans. And she went from $7,000 a month to $35,000 a month. Oh my, just for having them? Because of some, I don't even know if she has them.

I saw a picture of her where you can't really tell she's pretty, but she may not even have them, and she's raking in, I don't even know what 35,000 times 12 months adds up to, but it's a pretty penny. Soldiers are lonely. They're incredibly horny. You don't have to have them. She should quit fort bragging about having them if she doesn't have them.

All right. That's stolen valor. That's stolen valor, dude. But yeah, it's just crazy to think how much money is being thrown at someone because they went and bought a decent webcam and some fishnets and just started bending over. Like, all right. I guess you get to become upper middle class. If you had a daughter, would you make her do an OnlyFans?

If I had a daughter, yeah, I'm staying at home. It's like when the dad forces the son to throw a football all day and night. Yeah, I'm getting her on the pole so that she gets good at it. I want her to study tape. I want her to watch Showgirls every day. Make her learn how to peel a banana without using her hands. That's right. Take it down to Tijuana. Take it down to – go over to Thailand.

See what they're doing over there with their legs and assholes and vagines. And just try to top them, you know, try to come up with something new, a new twist, a new, you know, it's not a ping pong ball, it's a pog or whatever the hell it's, you know, the slammer comes out and all of a sudden you're just ass deep in pogs that you've won from the, from the rest of your countrymen. You got to start young so that there's not this idea. There's these Johnny come come lately's that are

like oh yeah i know how to pout i know how to look sexy you don't know shit you need to learn that and ingrain it into your dna i want you to look scared okay right enough looking coquettish you know yeah i know what you're saying yeah the uh the innocent the innocent uh kind of sterling yeah like oh i i thought i saw a putty tat like that kind of thing you know or like uh that that that that that that that's all folks you know what i'm talking about you jerk off to looney tunes porn i believe i'm a looney coomer i fucking fill up the the jar dude uh-huh you know what's fun to think about not that well not you filling up jars with your with your jizz so here's something i've often discussed with some friends what do you think would be the best, well, I don't want to say liquid,

the best viscous thing to put your rod in, not to have sex with it, just to like soak it in there. You know? We're back to soaking. Well, we never left soaking, really. I'm always here. I did leave it and now I'm being confronted with it anew. Like, do you think like apple butter?

Like, let's just say you have your turgid rod. You're a wrecked member. And you're just going to insert it into a vat of X. But you said not for pleasure? Not to move around. No jizzing. Then why? Just to see what it feels like.

Jesus Christ. Marinara. Marinara. Too cold. Too chunky. It's room temp. It's not in the fridge doesn't matter even if it's heated up to body temperature it's still too chunky that's not true either i think you'd want to be looking at something like uh like whole cream i bet would be cool you know what about uh chocolate pudding chocolate pudding sure Chocolate pudding, sure.

I don't think tapioca would be cool, but I think butterscotch pudding might be even better. Megan accidentally got a cook and serve Jell-O. You ever pull that boner? I have no idea what you're talking about. So regular Jell-O. Correct. Pudding.

If you get Jell-O pudding and it's not cook and serve, all you have to do is dump the powder into the bowl, pour some milk in there, and stir it up. Whisk it and put it in the fridge. This is Jell-O cereal, brother. Five minutes later, it's good to go. What? The cook and serve, you have to boil.

You have to get the milk up to a boil in order to activate the the uh powder and and make it into it it's basically like two extra steps and it ruins the whole thing because you know that you're slaving over a hot pot of pudding when you could have just done it cold and quick and and i did i did the same mistake months ago. So it was funny that she did it just recently. How much pudding are you guys eating? We get pudding. You know, we got regular Jell-O when she broke her ankle.

Doctor was like, if you have some, you know, if you have Jell-O. So we got Jell-O. For a broken ankle? What, you had to hide her pill in there? No, it's gelatin can strengthen can help with healing your bones i don't know this was a horse this was a horse doctor and so he was very pro hoof and pro gelatin he was like get your nails stronger uh so that you can scratch the hell out of a cow uh you know racist towards cows and uh so, yeah, I don't know.

Oh, because the pudding is right by the Jell-O. We got both, and it's a good treat. Both of them are good. But Jell-O takes forever. Gelatin, it's like six hours before it's ready to eat. Yeah, you guys are super busy, too. It's tough with your workaday lifestyle. It's not about being busy.

It's about wanting what you want when you want it. You're a man of simple desires. It's just funny that you guys are making your own pudding because that's how you know you've really reached a boiling point. You can't just buy the cups anymore. Now you have to make your own. What are you going to do with a tiny little cup of pudding? Those are for children.

Fit your penis and balls in it for sure. No way. Yeah. Way. My balls, my balls would put, uh, would,

would ruin that whole hypothesis. Well, it's just like you guys make your own seltzer water, right? Cause you were drinking so many cans of LaCroix. Yeah. We got sick of, well,

yeah. And that's part of it too. It's a bullshit to just run roughshod through dozens of single-use cans or pudding cups. I love it, man. I love cracking open a cold can, chugging it,

throwing it across the room. Yeah. Maybe bounce one off my wife's head if she's been acting up. Yeah. Yeah, we were all about it until and i actually thought that there was a nice little circle of life occurring because maggie and i quit drinking trying to be healthier we're crushing lacroix's were uh i was uh put i was

setting the cans aside like crushing them and and putting them into a bag and then leaving the bag by the dumpster in the alley, thinking that a young person experiencing the lack of a home or walls was going to come along and be like, oh, jackpot, you know, and like eat. And then, you know, after like three months of thinking that I'm the patron saint of Denver, of Denver recycling. I find out that that's like not happening. Like nobody, you couldn't, you'd have to like drive them out of town to take them to a place.

And you'd get like 10 cents for 50 pounds of cans. So yeah. Yeah. I agree. Recycling is a hoax. It is a big old, like it's not even really a thing somehow i don't even understand like how it's just not a thing but nobody knows that it's not a thing we're not

allowed to talk about it because then everyone's like oh why are you such a why are you such a downer sam we're all just trying to get together at the vfw and have a couple of cold pops and watch the Antiques Roadshow. Why do you got to remind us that the world's on fire and everything's an empty gesture? And I'm like, why do you talk that way? You know?

Old prospector. No, no, that's Michael Hancock. I haven't ever... Okay, yeah, I haven't Michael Hancock. I haven't ever... That's how the mayor of Denver sounds. Okay, yeah, I haven't watched him speak. I mostly read what he says after the fact, so I forgot that that's... Good old Michael Hancock.

It's me, the mayor of Denver, Mikey Hancock. If you want to build a bunch of condos, come on to Denver. We got hammers aplenty. There's no rules here as far as development's concerned. Two for one on nails and roof shingles. Come on, build a structure. Charge $2,500 a month because you live right by Lodo.

I frequent a brothel. What about that? Did he frequent a brothel? Well, that's what my brother-in-law mel says there was a brothel scandal yep oh becker becker's back what do you know about it beck uh he made it go away like made what go away the brothel scandal or wait was it his son that was going or him? No, I believe it was him. Okay. I think his son also did something and Hancock covered it up.

Either got a DUI. I would hate to go whoring with my dad. I think a bunch of people got implicated in the brothel thing, but it got kind of pushed out of the news because of him. I heard Andres Galarraga used heard andre scolaraga used to free the big cat used to frequent said brothel yeah vinnie castillo that's right yeah oh it sounds like ed mccaffrey was uh boring the black street bombers were bombing more than baseballs if you know what i'm saying we were whacking dingers belushi eyebrows yeah i didn't i didn't understand uh paying for for sex until just a few years ago i was like okay i get it now because you had a breakthrough well i think i got to a point where instead of thinking

of it as sad like desperate like it's your only option it's more just a point where instead of thinking of it as sad, like desperate, like it's your only option, it's more just a trade-off of pros and cons. I mean, there's some pros for sure and some cons, some ex-cons. That's when you have to be wary of a pro is when they have a con standing behind them. Behind the door holding a lamp. Demanding twice as much money as you agreed on but like uh i can't remember who would have i mean there's the classic i don't know who said it first but uh

the saying that you're not paying them for the sex you're paying them to leave you're paying that was george lucas it was george i think it was george steinbrenner actually it was George Steinbrenner, actually. I think it was George Foreman, maybe? It was a George, for sure. George Foreman. That's right. That was his Craigslist ad. It was the gay George Foreman porn star impressionist, George Foreman. Foreman, please. That's right.

I'll have what they're having he said that was in yeah that so it was him that said at first but it's you know been kind of adopted as a saying for a lot of us in our generation and uh i understand that more just once you get old enough to not have sex be this like uh badge of honor it's more just a thing that sounds good sometimes and the easiest way to be able to to access a very like cut and dry sexual encounter would be to to pay someone for specific things and then when it's over you're not you know forced to make small talk or you know lightly suggest that they leave there wouldn't be any of that awkwardness of like what is what does this mean where's this going yeah you don't have to like buy their kids connects

you know who's gonna get their car detailed because you've been smoking cigs in there when they're at work. Who's going to pick up my sister from the airport tomorrow? It's like, not me, lady. You were just inside of me. All right. All right, fine. What's she flying in on?

Her broom. Grumble, grumble. Yeah. Which terminal at DIA is where the witches land eyebrows you're doing it whoa no that that was fake that was scary that was an asthma attack so anyway we just edited it out about five minutes of good stuff but that's what happens when you run a very successful podcast is you gotta remember that

you can't always goof on topics kill your heroes but then edit it out you ever heard that voice from me? I don't think I have. Is that a nightmare, or is that fun? It's fun, I guess.

Yeah, you gotta say stuff, though. You can't just giebel gobble. That was me asking if you wanted your diaper to be full. Because I'll fill it. That's a new service that I'm offering. If you've got a diaper, I'll come fill it for you. Yeah, there could be a market for that. Might be with pinto beans.

Might be with my own shit and piss. But either way. Okay. And yeah, you could just... It would be like a mail service where you mail the empty diapers. Yeah, you mail or female

these clean unused diapers and then what they get back is anyone's guess. You have to send it back though. I could see people I could see people paying for that I think it would be funny to

and this isn't a good prank but you know how people have been pranking if you just like had a diaper you were like walking down the street pranking's back you guys heard about these pranks the kids are talking about you're just walking down the

street you're like running you're like fast walking down the street holding a diaper out in front of you and it's filled with pudding and people are like oh god what's that guy up to you know and you're like obviously distressed and hurried and then you stop and when you're in a crowd of people and you look very distressed then you like look right and you look left like you just made a conclusion you're like all right and then you put the diaper on your head how's that for a friend babies would love it well no i think everyone would love it you know because it's like oh no that guy just found this diaper or this diaper is full and then you get to like the stoplight and you're like like you're hiding it but you just put it on your head yeah it solves the problem of having a

dirty diaper in your hands in the worst way possible right then you just look relieved wipe it off your forehead yeah that was a close one back to work yeah all right i'm into it uh not quite you know it's not i don't know if it would have made the cut for jackass but it could be the start of a new kind of prank show that's not that good they would have made like preston lacy do that one yeah yeah that's a yeah it's a lower tier. Oh, you know, I just heard this today. The guy that played Kevin on The Office is going to make a million dollars this year because of Cameo. How about that? Where's your God now?

Yeah, dude. Speaking of OnlyFans, there's only a couple of people that I would pay money to send me a message. Sinbad. Sinbad's up there, Gianna Michaels, who is not on Cameo. We looked. We did look. That would have been great promo if we could have had a Cameo of Gianna talking about Chubby Behemoth early on. Yeah.

We'd be bigger than the guy that we just shit on. We'd be at the top. I bet we could DM Gianna and be like, Gianna, we'll give you 70 bucks if you'll say this. She doesn't need 70 bucks from us. Who knows what she needs?

She's on OnlyFans. I'll bet her shit is blowing up. Is she on OnlyFans? Yeah. Alright, Lun, join her OnlyFans. No. And then send me the login info. No. Come on, I gotta burn her phone for a reason.

I mean, I understand you're supporting someone or whatever, but I can watch her get her back blown the fuck out for free. Oh, my God. For the next two years. Oh, my God. That was so vulgar and unexpected.

That's a hip sex term that a lot of people are using lately is you get your back blown out. I mean, they've been using that since like 2002, but I'm glad you just figured it out, Grandpa. I just found out about it. Yeah. I'm on Gen X Twitter. Yeah, was it in USA Today? Am I Gen X?

Am I a millennial? No one will ever know. I know what you are. Not until the autopsy. You're a boomer. Where are we time-wise? We're just over an hour. Okay.

With all the stuff we had to edit out to save our careers? We're at probably 56 minutes. Yeah, it wasn't that long that we shit on Pete Holmes. He thinks that he's going to get blow job from jesus when he dies no but he's christian so he thinks that some award some prize awaits him in heaven yeah it's probably a choco taco with caramel in it like a real jamuk i saw a thing brandy bryant posted today on facebook oh hell yeah do you see that yeah dude holy shit it was jesus christ in a robe but jesus had both tips and a giant dick the way jesus was tit fucking himself themself with the dick it was crazy zach zach reiner tweeted jesus titty fucking christ would be

one hell of a picture i think or one hell of a of an image or whatever he said and brandy bryant was like all right and drew it yeah and nailed it i've seen a lot of shit in my day that was alarming i mean I wasn't upset by it but I definitely was like okay hold on I need to make room in my brain for this yeah you've been watching Faces of Death and you've been on the internet since you were four

but that was striking which is cool if something makes you go like homina homina homina you know if it makes you like ponder what art is and what it can mean way to go Brandy shout out

yeah dude I want to get a tattoo from her because she's really good but I don't I don't know what I would get that would require any artistic skill you know like I wouldn't want

I'll give you all of the patreon money if you get that tattooed on your body i man i mean i'm already not talking to my parents i could probably get jesus titty fucking christ my dad got mad at me once years ago because my voicemail message was hey this you got n Nathan here I'm probably having sex with some people so leave a message and I'll give you a call when we're finished and he hated it

he was like your mother is going to call you and hear that and so yeah this would be next level shit this would finish them both off didn't we writers room that phone message what do you mean did that voicemail

didn't we like sit down like break it down cause I just remember like going over it and trying to punch it up oh yeah we did it was like hey I'm probably having sex with a bunch of people I'll call you back after we're done cleaning up or after we all come right after i explore it and then they do too

after yeah after i mop up all of the jizz that has filled our socks and shoes yeah after i crank all this notch with these people that are here probably getting my back blown out with these people that are here probably getting my back blown out i do think that we should do that thing with the shooters and i think that i've thought about it now and you should probably have it positioned in your butt and i should be the one who uncaps it yeah i'll bet because i'm more precise with my cheeks you're more of a top no you're just you're look think about this way you try to top me i'm the top dog i'm the top dog you're a bottom bitch i am well i don't care i don't need to assign what i am i'm just saying that you're like the t and i'm like the club and the shooter lid

is like the golf ball i think you're a sturdier base so all I'm saying I'm glad that you have been putting that or figuring that out in your brain instead of trying to be engaging and interesting on our podcast oh wow now the tides have turned that's right you suck, you stink and you suck Rocky's rule

I might I might have brain fog you had COVID and now you have yeah you have uh you're in a fugue state who knows i might have covid right now that'd be sick that'd be crazy what are we doing god damn it uh you had you wanted to get back into the logistics in unscrewing a shooter cap. Oh, yeah. Okay. Well, look, guys, we've learned a lot this episode. This was a real Lund-heavy episode,

and I appreciate him carrying the Lund. Because, you know, I'm just a guy. That's the feedback that I get a lot is people demand more Lund, less Sam. The amount of Becker is fine. All we're really nailing is the amount of Becker. Everyone agrees. Less is more.

Also, I wish you guys could see what Becker's situation looks like right now. There's no light allowed in wherever you are. It's here. Keep doing whatever you're doing It's here. Keep doing whatever you're doing. Doing whatever we're doing? You mean podcasting?

No, I meant I'll show you. I can join the podcast with a better camera. No, thanks. We don't care. We just want to rip on you for being the Unabomber. Yeah, for being gross and depraved. I know. I get get it i just don't

think this is actually what i'm living like i have to do all right zoom tomorrow for a law firm in savannah georgia and i'm pretty sure i'm gonna eat my ass oh my god how did that how did you get that it's a fan you know a fan uh hit me up and asked if I wanted to do it, and I was like, sure. And the thing is that he's been telling everyone that he got Dave Chappelle. No way. Yes. So everyone's expecting tomorrow for Dave Chappelle to show up and riff and make fun of their boss. So I had to meet with one of the bosses via zoom and he was like yeah man i got

this covid dude and like it's all right i'm gonna be fine like you know i'm fun i'm gonna be dressed up like an elf and i'm a big fat guy so you can make fun of that that'll be fun and like i'll swear too much but you know everyone knows that so you can make fun of that it'll be real easy man and then today i find out that he's in a hospital from his covid so all the bits that i had planned out i can't do anymore because he's you know near death you could say rest in peace more like rest in three piece with two sides that would be fun all right so what right i was hoping you would have some help for me but no so anyway they're gonna they're All right. So... What? Write it down. I was hoping you would have some help for me, but no.

So anyway, they're going to go from a puppet show tomorrow, a Muppets-esque puppet show, and then the guy's going to introduce me. Everyone's going to think, oh, it's who I've been telling you about everywhere. It's our comic. And then when it's not Dave Chappelle, I get a dig out of that hole for the next 15 minutes.

That's what I got going on tomorrow night. Yeah. Well, yeah. First, they think they're going to get the Muppets, and they're getting a knockoff version of the Muppets. Yeah. And then they think they're getting Dave Chappelle, and they're getting the complete opposite.

Yeah, they're going to get the Marpets, and then the opposite of Dave Chappelle is me. The armpits. The chubby funster yeah the guy that looks like a toe ham bone mcgraw it's gonna be very bad dr pete dr pete could uh do some time and dig out of that hole for you wear a sweater vest so i'll report back on how that kid goes but it's not gonna go well spoiler alert it's gonna be rough yeah but you're gonna wish you're gonna wish you were in the hospital with covet after that nightmare what a fucking stupid

there's always so many dumb moves that non-comics think are funny or make sense they always think oh yeah we'll have music and comedy. We'll have the comic do time while the bands are setting up and breaking down so that there's no downtime, man, so that the crowd is just completely engaged the whole time. It's perfect. No one has to think at all.

Fucking psycho. Anyway, Becker, what do you got for us? I don't think I have anything to plug this week? I don't think I have anything to plug this week. I don't I'm still just hanging out in my pajamas hoping I don't die.

Yeah, you gotta plug up your sinuses. Lund, you got anything? I got a new gig. I am going to be a tour guide for an attraction at the Gaylord Rockies Hotel and Convention Center.

It's running through January 3rd. It's called I Love Christmas Movies. And I did training for that today. And I will be there as much as I can through the end of the year to make some of this. This is real? This is real. This is an opportunity that I felt I should not pass up and I'm just

hoping that I can work enough days to make the money that I will need to spend on a hospital stay for getting COVID because I'm going to be around hundreds of people a day oh my god it's dumb as hell so you were just googling Gaylord

and then this came up i have a google alert the rockies because i love baseball and gaylord because hey let's take it back to feudalism wait so tell me all about what no that's all you get you have to come down to gaylord at the rockies what it's been like nine months since you've done anything and you would you didn't You have to come down to Gaylord at the Rockies. What? It's been like nine months since you've done anything, and you didn't tell me about this on the pod? I've been on unemployment, and it's about to run out, and I got an email from my acting agent about this opportunity,

and so I figured, fuck it, I'll go see what it's all about and yeah hopefully it'll be fun hopefully I don't get sick alright well my mind's blown if you're a lawyer and you live in Savannah Georgia look for me tomorrow at your Christmas party otherwise my mind's blown

rock on dude Gaylord style