Chubby Behemoth - Over Here

Episode Date: August 26, 2020

We sent a scout ahead. Follow the monkey.       Over Here                  Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth

The biggest dick I've ever seen, Dan Starkovich, 2004. He used to... He was my... I was a right tackle, and he was my right guard, and we were incredibly close. Oh, nice. And he used to just pull his dick out all the time. So my sister's husband knows him, too. Yeah?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, Dan Starkovich, legendary hog. Ask David Borey if you want to get to the bottom of it. Don't ask him. He's busy. No, that's a fun question to ask next time my whole family gets together. Hey, Jeremy.

Yeah. Wait, so who's, what's Jeremy who? Jeremy Osborne. Oh, Moose? Yeah. I forgot about that. My sister married Moose. Yeah.

Fucking named by Carl Mecklenburg himself. Jeez. Welcome to dropping names. Yeah. Blasting people from your past. Past blasting. We're not blasting. We're, we're. No, people from your past. Past blasting. We're not blasting. We're...

No, you're dropping. You're dropping. Small world. Yeah. We're congratulating. Yeah, Starkovich used to do that thing where he'd wrap it around his wrist a couple times and ask you what time it was. Yeah.

For sure. Jesus Christ. I never saw it hard. That's the thing. The slap bracelet. Here we go. Yeah. It's coming back.

Send it around the corner. Yeah. You said it had to do recon. Picking up over a newspaper on a park bench. We sent a scout ahead. It's the tip of Starkey Bitch's dick. Great dick, man. And also, it makes you really respect a guy.

And fear him. Welcome to talking about him. Yeah. And also, it makes you really respect a guy. And fear him. Welcome to talking about him. Yeah. I feel like we're balancing out previous episodes where we've talked about who's got them as far as heavy breasts.

Now we're balancing it out this time, talking Ds. Have we talked about that? Who's got them? Yeah. Yeah, we've met. When you talk about all these people from your high school that you're hoping will be patrons. Yeah, for sure. By name dropping them early. Getting them hooked.

Yeah, we talked about who's got them briefly. Yeah. But now we're talking about who's got it. It is weird, too, when someone has them. Who's got one. Who's got the unit. There's one versus... Because, yeah, well, you don't want to talk about a unit plural. No, units? No one cares about the balls. Mm-mm. Who cares about the unit? There's one versus... You don't want to talk about a unit plural.

No, units? Who cares about the balls? Who cares about the dick? It must suck to be a ball fetishist. Because there's not any good content out there if you're just into balls. Just total destruction. Ball destruction.

Ball torture. Ball worship. There's too much porn. Is that worship yeah uh there's something too much porn is that okay to say there's too much porn yeah i think you can be brave enough to be canceled for saying there's uh probably too much porn maybe dial it back you're kink shaming the amount of pornography i mean yeah i'm saying there's maybe maybe we don't need all 9 000 ball smashing videos yeah like uploaded every day. Right.

If you took the amount of pornography that exists in the world, and let's do it in a baseball comparison, the amount of atoms in all of humanity would be like the baseball. The amount of pornography would be the stadium. That's how much there is, dude. Yeah. Too much exponential growth. And if you count the... Porn and covid are exponentially

doubling yeah every week and they're both ruined by a mask i gotta see the eyes on a person mask porn oh good oh take it off and they're talking through the mask they're like uh-uh we're gonna have safe sex and then just keep the mask on no kissing kissing. No smooching. But then, yeah, the big, is the mask comes off. The reveal. She's got white teeth. Whoa. As opposed to yellow teeth? Well, yeah.

Yeah, they almost look fake. Oh, she's been eating lavender taffy. She's got porcelain. She's got toilet teeth. My wife, old Doc T, fucking lost the crown off her tooth the other night trying to pop a beer bottle open she did yeah whoa dr emily talent yeah what the fuck yeah i chipped a tooth so long ago and learned my lesson is the only lesson i've ever learned in life is don't open beer bottles with

your teeth my buddy also wiped from the back my buddy buddy RJ bit into a Corona neck. Drunkenly trying to, like, just not even thinking about any of the, you know, details. You know, he was drunk enough to just be like, oh yeah, you put it in your mouth and then you bite down and you twist and yeah, he just chomped the neck. What kind of fucking jaw does this guy have? He has horse teeth. He was able to chomp through the neck. What kind of fucking jaw does this guy have? He has horse teeth. He was able to chomp through the neck of a bottle? Yeah. Yeah, a little Corona glass bottle.

That was the original Corona scare. That was when RJ was at the sophomore dance. He was popping bottles in the parking lot. Yeah, it was... Was RJ the guy that wouldn't let us in his house? Yeah. Oh, okay. That guy chomped the bottle of a Corona. Yeah, he was a partier, and then he had kids, and he was like, oh, my kids.

Yeah. Yeah. You should probably play it safe and not let us stay with you because of your kids, because we are known diddlers. Yeah, we diddle. P. Diddle. P. Diddle. This is the official diddler podcast, by the way.

If you've got proclivities, dump them out. We're safe. Dump them out. One time me and Lund and Byron were on the road in Reno. Was it Reno? Yeah, Reno. Yeah, and Lund's like, my buddy lives here. He's going to let us stay.

And then he called them and he's like, hey, man, we're almost there. And the guy's like, all right, dude. Do you vouch for these two guys? Oh, yeah, I had to vouch. Yeah, you had to vouch, you know. You had to picture a buy one of a sweater vest and get nervous. No, he googled Sam and he was like,

this guy is not domesticated. That was back in the day when my only photo online was me wearing those tan overalls and screaming. Yeah. Which GoBananas still uses because I've told him how much I hate it. But yeah, Lund was like, yeah, I know these guys.

I vouch for them. Well, no, what did you say? You were like, yeah, I know Sam. Sam's my best friend. I've known him for my, you know, ten years. But this other guy, old Sid, we just met him at the train tracks and he looks safe. You know, he needed a ride. Yeah, it turned into a joke about how like

you get spoiled having a bunch of like comedy comedian friends or comedy adjacent friends musician friends because they're all like flop house crash yeah my home like i always tell megan one of the nicest things that you can do for a performer traveling performer is save them hotel money yeah and give them a safe, easy place to crash where they can charge their phone because you can't spend $60 to $120 a night

staying in a hotel unless your parents are funding your so-called tour. Like 80% of comedy. Like the good tours. Yeah, the good tours. They're funded by Mountain Dew

and Mommy and Daddy. I love the tours where people have a Kickstarter because they're going to do four gigs and the next date over. That always gets me fired up. That makes me love this art form I'm a part of. It's like, hey, we're doing four shows over the course of three weeks and we need five grand. Yeah, they're wanting everything to be paid for. And then they come home with more money.

So yeah, that's not real. So yeah, it's nice to be able to take advantage of a free place to sleep. I thought you were going to say take advantage of young comics. Young comics on the road. They don't know you. They're desperate. They need a place to stay. They need a shower.

Yeah, somebody check him for ticks yeah he was in the mississippi this afternoon he dipped in the river route but yeah so to to all of a sudden have this non-comedian but long-time friend we went to high school college together we were close long-time friend never listened long yeah he was not a great listener no but uh yeah and it wasn't him as much as his wife was like acting like we were potentially like dangerous or something and it was like man this sucks yeah it was like we were like traveling cockfighters yeah really shady and i will say that i didn't do a great job of presenting myself to his wife as like a normal trusting guy but like we were in college and i didn't didn't you bean dip

her the first time you saw her no i didn't do anything to her but like just was like very drunk around her when she was for when they were first dating she was pregnant and you got to knock down her gut yeah like hello i kept room for one more i kept shooting on people trying to take them down double leg style and uh yeah knocking into stuff unplugging her asthma her respirator her iron lung but no so

that was college and this was years later where it's like yeah I'm doing stand up but I'm not like completely feral and it was funny to have to like convince them and we had all those rules like we couldn't smoke we couldn't we weren't supposed to smoke weed before we even got there yeah which we did we had been doing like the fuck that rule yeah there was like she had she had her own hoa rules and luckily we were

just staying the night, like one night. And it was still like this whole deal. And they're not together anymore. Well, good. So that's probably good. Yeah, it worked out. She did have her own HOA and she was pissed because we showed up on horseback. It's like, do you have any...

Where can we put our salt block? Oh, one's here. We came rumbling into town. Uh-oh. It's the greenberg possum lund approaches ma'am he said that to rj yeah uh just yeah that was a weird uh just that suburban life that we wanted no part of. Now I can't get enough of it. Yeah, you love it.

You're up here in the biggest suburb on earth. We're in Fort Collins recording this live from my living room here in the Adobe Palace, as I call it. We're getting Adobe put on the outside. Oh, nice. No, I'm kidding. Do it. We don't have any access to any, Anything we want in here doesn't happen. Like this carpet, we had a flood in here.

It was biblical proportions. Gordy was floating around on a raft like a refugee. He kept saying, abuelo! He put in this shitty carpet, and now this is literally the carpet that your parents probably finger-banged on for the first time. It's that color. This is 96.

Yeah. This was the most popular carpet in 96. Nationwide. And they were like, 97! It's going to be more of the same! And then everybody got... Hardwoods. Yeah. That was when Viagra was invented. Hardwoods. We're going to make this marriage work.

Yeah. But yeah, this is nice. Megan and I are thinking we want to try and move out of downtown the house across the street is for rent dude I know but we don't have any money so?

you guys got this place you just stumbled into money you had a successful slip and fall I did and then Emily's a doctor Megan's working reception at an animal hospital and I'm getting free samples out back. I'm reselling some of these

animal pelts. But your coats never looked better. We get a discount on all chewables. Pet meds, as long as they're chewable. Flintstone? Whatever you need. You know those bully sticks? Yeah.

Those are bull penises. Yeah. You know about this? I did not know that. Yeah, bully sticks are wang, dude. Man, you'll know once you smell, like when a dog's halfway through with one and it's all gummed on and chewed up. Oh, they smell so bad.

They smell like wang. I was going to say, but distinctively like a dick? Yeah, lungs like, you'll know it. Everyone knows that no no not like a human dick but just a gross animalistic smell like of course they love that's why they love them yeah they're like yeah and it's also like they're taking down bone they're taking down a more uh stronger predator when they're eating like if you eat the penis of like your enemy that's like the closest can get to God. So my Bichon Poodle munching on a bull penis, that's got to be a big win for his reptile brain. Get the adrenochrome in there. The fear that the animal died with makes you stronger.

Man, you were passing off that shit like it was real. It's real! No, it's not. Look at Google it. I looked at Wired.com, my source for news. I was looking for, I meant to type in Weird.com. Next thing you know, I'm on Wired and I'm like, uh, damn it. Sam's been making it sound like the Sedrina Chrome thing is definitely happening.

I don't think it is. That's like a QAnon weird corner of the internet that's bubbled to the surface that you caught a whiff of. Since the beginning of civilization, people have been sacrificing children. Alright? And now... Word. Word. Thank you.

Point one. Two. Two. So yeah, it's like, you don't think... Sustained. Your Honor. Our buddy Bobby Crane. Long time listener. He's calling in later.

Not a friend of the pod, which is weird. He's going to become a lawyer. Oh yeah, I keep thinking he's going to be a minister, but he's a lawyer. Yeah. The other one. The other one that matters. I can't keep track of these people growing up.

Oh, Emily's a doctor. Bobby's a lawyer. Sam's a firefighter. Becker's a scientist all of a sudden. Got a lab coat on. I remember one time we were at a firehouse like as a kid on a field trip or whatever and all the kids were riding

down the pole and I didn't move. In their virginity. They were all getting diddled by the firefighters. No, no, with the pole. The pole counted for the guys and the ladies. Totally scored with that pole. That is pretty much third base.

It's the start of something. If you can hang on for four seconds, you're ready to have sex. You can find that on weird.com. If you go to weird.com, it's just a picture of Lund. What up? It's me. Anyway, Bobby's the adrenochrome. Follow the fear.

That's why roller coasters have all those buckets underneath them. You're going over a loop-de-loop. Meanwhile, yeah, your fear molecule is getting collected by the CEO. That's why they take pictures of you. So they can know who to harvest. Yeah, they're matching up scents to see who's got the Indica versus the Sativa what's so insane to think that there is a cabal

of wealthy pedophiles who are harvesting children for their adrenal glands right after they've been tortured and molested that's an insane thing to say it's not that it's impossible or even implausible it's just I don. It's not that it's impossible or even implausible. It's just I don't think it's that specific level.

Those details are all correct, I don't think. Google Isaac Cappy. Okay. Yeah, Isaac Cappy was this guy who got real deep to it. I know he sounds like a mid-level boss on a Mario game, but no. Isaac Cappy, not in the Mushroom Kingdom. He got, and he took pictures of their, like, he got into their temple, where there's these little girls dressed in barely anything,

like serving people, you know? And then he winds up dead. And then who takes a photo of the exact location where he died? Tom Hanks. Whoa. For all the money. Yeah, well... what do you think Forrest Gump

was so powerful here he is a man with definitive mental issues and yet he's still the president or whatever

I didn't see the film you're a book guy yeah the beginning of that book is him just talking about all different kinds like all the different names for someone with that affliction. And now he

doesn't want to be one versus the other. We can't say all the words now because, you know, you're woke or whatever. Let's be better than whoever wrote Forrest Gump. Yeah. And then in the... Tuesdays with Forrest. Tuesdays with Mongo. It's Wednesday, but we're telling him it's Tuesday.

Forrest, you've had enough mud. I'm full. Anyway, yeah. So adrenochrome's real. But our friend Bobby, we were joking about how he gets to class the first day in law school, and the teacher's like, Crane, and he's like, here, your honor. He's calling his teacher your honor teacher is your honor and then every classmate is a colleague yeah representation who you represented what i just want to be one of the wig salesmen that cracks

that that sweet clientele i want to sell the powder that you use for your wigs. Keep your powder dry and your wig warm. Yeah, Bobby. Bobby, he was for sure. He went on to bigger and better things. We called him the dumb one. He was one of the dumbest people alive. No, no, I think he was just quiet.

I think he was legally stupid. No, I don't think. What, and then he stumbled upon some adrenochrome? He was like, oh, God, I feel the think. What, and then he stumbled upon some adrenochrome and he was like, oh god. I feel the power of ten minds within me. Bobby thought he was drinking Powerade. But it was the harvested adrenochrome

of a Siamese twin. yeah, Bobby, you know, he was one of the stupidest people alive. He didn't get smart just from being around. He got it on DVD. He loves that movie. He was always smart, but he was just like quiet. And we just projected onto him that his quietness meant he was stupid.

Yeah. That his brain didn't work. And he, man, I don't know if we can take credit. I almost want to say it. And because we hounded him. Yeah, because we were so ruthless. He had to prove himself and he went back to school. We shattered his mind and rebuilt it stronger.

Oh, man. But yeah, he definitely got sick of that eight years ago. We were like, yeah, Bobby's the dumb one. Bobby's stupid. It was Chris the whole time. Yeah, it was definitely Sharpentier. He's only gotten dumber. He can barely read.

He has Velcro shoes. Yeah. And not for, like, comfort. No. Necessity. Yeah. Also, he can only buy baby shoes. He's a huge time saver.

In the mornings, at night, when he has to go to the bathroom. Yeah. He's got to take those shoes off quick. So he quits dumping in them yeah bobby uh just left denver not that long ago i don't know when this is gonna come out we're so stupid about any of that i mean he's still gonna have left denver even wherever this comes let's be honest with the people i want to be like hey happy october everybody right about four weeks four weeks getting word from our producer yeah

breaking news oh hey yeah coming in via zoom yeah we have an earpiece in the eye in the sky uh but yeah bobby is fucking gonna be a lawyer trying to like sue big companies no he's gonna's going to do prison reform. Oh, prison reform? I thought he was thinking like any like corporate malfeasance. Specifically civil rights, I guess. I think he's going to right some civil wrongs.

Yeah. That's what he said. He's going to be a literal social justice warrior. Yeah. Which is a program in colleges in the pacific northwest specifically portland yeah he's going to portland he's gonna be at uh college law school he's gonna be a motorcycle riding ponytail having nose ring stabbing bad boy lawyer yeah intimidating as so we thought he what about i didn't even think about this. He could have a commercial. Like,

strong arm. He has to have a nickname. Yeah. Like, Eagle Heart or something. Baby penis. Bobby Baby Penis Crane. No,

you gotta have a cool dick. What's wrong with a baby's penis? That's where the adrenochrome comes from. What do you think Emily's doing off at the hospital damn yeah everyone that she flubs

we gotta take it home and get strong I thought yeah what a nightmare to even to joke about it to like you have to deal with

like yeah maybe it's real yeah I mean we're probably gonna get pulled off of uh you know billboard for this spotify yeah have you seen that spotify guy he looks like an alien oh he's getting a bunch of shit because he said something like oh artists like he's trying to address criticism for how little spot Spotify pays artists by saying something like well they make music every like five years

right you know that's not how the model works anymore or whatever you know he sounded like a complete evil

baby penis sucker for sure I mean he is kind of right though he looks like an alien and he my favorite band the Wallflowers

they didn't put out they're coasting yeah exactly straight coasting they're coasting on Yeah, exactly. Straight coasting. They're coasting on one headlight. They're like the coasters at this point. My favorite band, Tonic, you know, they haven't dropped a new album. Why you gotta be so mean to me, Tonic?

It's a real lemon parade up there. Yeah, why is the lemon parade only every 25 years? That was the first CD I ever bought on vacation in San Diego. And I told my dad, I was like, look at the CD I bought. And he pretty much just did the jerk-off motion. You know? Slapped it out of my hand. Kicked it underneath a moving car.

Slapped his own ass. Yeah, got his giant dick out. Whapped it from across the room. Oh, man. But yeah, Bobby. Tonic, yeah. Us calling Bobby stupid wasn't even the worst thing we said about him. Nope.

Nope. Remember that fun gag we used to have We started a couple rumors about Bobby You literally tried to get it out there that he didn't touch black people That wasn't even what I was thinking I know, that's another

That's a different one I was hanging out with, you know I was in front of Opal, that open mic that used to be on Broadway. Opal. It was on Thursdays. Anyway, it was an open mic in Denver. And I was standing out front with Jason Keys, Dick Black, and Tim Coleman. And we were all shooting the shit, you know, freestyle rapping and playing dice, you know, just cutting it up with the brothers.

rap in and playing dice, you know, just cutting it up with the brothers. And then Bobby's walking up and I see him and I'm like, hey, you guys ever, you guys ever hear that Bobby Crane doesn't touch black people? And they were all like, what? And I was like, yeah, here, check it out. And I was like, hey, Bob. And I gave him a big high five. And then he like turned to the rest of them and was like, what's up fellas? And just walked inside. Yeah. Set him up for failure. I did. The puppet master himself. Yeah, I was pulling strings. Pulling pud. Yeah, so that stuck for years.

Yeah, not really, but... I mean, in certain communities. Shut up. You're not a part of any communities. Certain parts of the dark web. Certain parts of geocities. Agents. On AOL.com.

You got it out there. Yeah. That was a long time ago. You started touching them now. It was as stupid as the other one. Which was... We don't need to bring it up.

I don't think he would be happy. Let's wish Bobby well. Yeah. In Oregon, it's not on fire. No. Like Fox News would have you believe. The official lawyer of this podcast.

There's not a river of blood. Yeah. That's coursing through downtown Portland. It's like Ghostbusters 2 over there. Yeah. The dead have come back to life dogs and cats yeah that's been

like I wasn't worried about when Bobby visited recently but like I thought oh maybe if he wanted he could like check out the protest or whatever but then like he shared a video of how he took like a helicopter ride. Right.

So I give less of a shit. Well, there's just, it just showed that it's not like a city under siege where there's complete like lawlessness and people getting dragged behind horses. Steven Seagal's out there. The reckoning, the reckoning has begun. People dragged behind the horse.

That's what I think of when I think of the shit hitting the fan. People getting... In Portland, it's just... Or Bundy, you know, coming down from the hills. Horse dragging. Just ready to... Going back to Wild West style rules. Oh, man.

You got a big gun and a horse and some rope and you just drag somebody for a while. That's what we'd do whenever we'd win a football game in high school. Get the kid in the mascot of the other team. He's trying to keep his giant head on so that he doesn't get turned a mush on the baby Yowza have you guys been watching Last Chance U? no

I thought about it it's the best dude there's too much stuff to watch it's so good the team they have this year is in Oakland it's Laney College and they're just bad yeah like last year they won the California Junior College Football Championship The team they have this year is in Oakland at Delaney College, and they're just bad.

Like, last year they won the California Junior College Football Championship, and this year they didn't even make the playoffs. It was a pretty stark comparison. You don't have to take my word for it. It's a Netflix. LeVar Burton comes in. Let's watch along. Hey, I meant to check that out. It sounds like it's good.'s good you're too busy watching

fraser again i can't stop watching that fucking dog uh wishbone no eddie oh it's the same dog no okay they're both jack russell terriers yeah which are supposed to be the smartest dog alive but it turns out it's actually poodles yeah Yeah, right. Even despite the fact that my dog is, you know, as smart as Bobby. Gordy doesn't know his dick from his ass. No, Gordy is, his brain's turning to mush. Yeah. And now he just keeps getting stepped on. Like, he's stomping my dog.

Oh, that's terrible. He's always right underneath my feet. He probably went with one stomping a quarter for all of his life. Yeah. And that was typically on purpose, you know. like i caught him like live again yeah i caught him online you know saying anti-semitic stuff or whatever he was selling his nudes but uh yeah now he's getting stepped on it sucks oh yeah a good lung just touched him he ran across the room i've been bugging him yeah it's all right Gordy and Maya and your dog are old friends.

Yeah. We got George Michael. He's like seven and a half. Inches long. He's a tiny dog. Seven pounds. He's one Dave T. penis long. We feed him every other day. Yeah.

And he's doing great. We, yeah. We used to, this is the furthest we've lived from each other since you were in las vegas for two years yeah typically we like we like to live within a stone's throw of one another yeah we've kept it we've kept it between six inches and like 60 yards for the last uh decade and then when we slept in the same bed, it wasn't even 6 inches. God, I would have killed 6 inches. When I was hard, it was 6 inches. I would have loved any amount of space.

Also, what's weird is there's all those photos of us in our underwear, sleeping on top of the covers in Mouth House. Who was taking those photos? Why is there just this cache of photos of us barely legal? That's what happens when you live with artists. They're always taking

pictures of you while you're sleeping. One was from outside the window. Yeah, that was a neighborhood guy. Yeah, I think he got a bunch of balloons attached to his body and floated up. When I... We had the little rascals outside of our window

stacking themselves up six high in order to get a glimpse. They're wearing a trench coat. They're not female tits, but I'll take them. It'll do. Froggy. Now that's a dick. When I think of Mouth House a bunch of great memories

but one memorable one for sure was one night when there was just people coming and going all the time, people walked all over that area with something to do with nothing to do but this one guy stalked off and was probably in the middle of the school playground.

You'd cut through there. Yeah, there was a school across the street. There was a path that you could just cut across the school. You could walk from California to Champa. Yeah. He was in the darkness of that and just let out a scream like he was turning into a fucking werewolf.

Yeah. Do you know what that night? I don't remember yet. My God. Like we were having a party and then just from across the street you heard someone

whoah! He just, he sounded like his skin was coming apart. He was like, come with it now! He was turning into a bull. On a lemon parade.

No, it really was terrifying to hear this noise come out of a person. And I don't know if it was withdrawals, or he was just, man, he was feeling something. It was so fun. I think his scratch ticket came up empty. Yeah. He put it all on a $2 scratcher. He was like, I could win double the money. I remember, dude.

And also, I used to take... Because we didn't have a lot of space. So every now and then I'd take girls over there to make out. And I realized what a crime that would have been if I would have got busted. By me? No, you would have loved it. You would have come over there and pulled your pud, you know? Who's next?

I don't know. Goldberg style? Yeah, you would have jackhammered my date. But no, I don't think you're allowed to get to second base in a school playground. Unless you attend that school. You'd go over there on the swings? Yeah. I'd go over there with some swingers and get in the slide

so you hit the bottom first. Yeah, you wouldn't want to get caught over there with a bag of molly. Yeah, caught red-handed. That's when you, no, never mind. Honk the horn? No. Bus no never mind horn if you're honky that's a cheap bumper sticker that's that was my big joke for the roast last year when i was the clown i had that horn what roast the roast of halloween oh remember when i was like evil clown

oh yeah yeah and then brent g Gill the next year was Evil Clown. He just did my act. Yeah, Brent came up with a pretty good retirement plan. Those roast shows. You had to think about Christmas, Thanksgiving, and Halloween once four years ago. Otherwise, he was just counting money on little St. James Island. Damn. It's been fun to watch Prince Andrew

try and figure out how to navigate this whole thing. He talked about being a sweaty guy. Or he doesn't sweat. He pants like a dog. He has to roll around in wet grass in order to cool off. That's why I was

That's why I don't remember touching this 12 year old in a picture yeah he said he said that uh recently the last headline i saw was he was begging the news media to quit holding the royal family to a saintly standard damn and by saintly standard he means you know not letting them bang children yeah Stop making it seem like we should all be St. Bernards over here. Yeah, he's got a cask of booze around his neck. Why should I be monogamous like some purebred dog? I've got papers. Can you milk me, the Pope?

The Pope's milking Prince Andrew for adrenochrome Prince Andrew? I mean, why is the Queen still alive? Adrenochrome? Yes Is that what you're saying? Yes Connect the dots

Yeah Look at Ellen Look at Ellen Follow the money Ellen Ellen and George W. Bush are just friendly at, you know, funerals and stuff Follow the monkey. Yeah, follow the monkey.

There's always a monkey around these powerful, connected people. Kids love monkeys. Yeah. It's really easy. Well, they're scared of them, too. Well, monkeys are really scary. So if the kid likes the monkey, you get to harvest their serotonin. Right.

And then if the kid is scared of the monkey, adrenochrome. It's a win-win. Or if the kid has sex with the monkey, you can live stream it either way, you're in the money you're in the monkey now I keep thinking about what I want to talk about

is what we've talked about already more of that Jake and I on the way up here we're talking about how aliens exist for sure. And Jake said the first official release of documentation from the government was in 2017. It was the Canadian guy, right? Canadian defense minister?

When our government acknowledged it, it was 2017. It's the article that they republished like six weeks ago that's got people talking about it again but it happened years ago it happened end of 2017

and Jake was saying that they literally said Trump is such a shit show that the media the news cycle is fucked

we can we can get this out there and nobody will really notice and they were right for two and a half years oh yeah it's also like when they just like defunded the EPA during the start of the protests we can get this out there and nobody will really notice. And they were right for two and a half years. Oh, yeah. It's also like when they just defunded the EPA during the start of the protests. Oh, yeah?

Yeah, I mean, they do that shit all the time, you know? If you're like... If you follow the money. If you're following the monkey. If you're going from... If you go... If you look at wired.com in an incognito browsing tab, you'll find the truth. You get to unwired.

Well, yeah, the Canadian defense minister straight up said that there's aliens. And he's like the highest up the chain that anyone has ever publicly stated it. Besides Buzz Aldrin and stuff like that. What did Buzz say? All those guys said that they were followed by spaceships. Fuck. Yeah, when they were in space. I don't watch a lot of that stuff because you just don't...

Well, you're always one click away from Holocaust denial. That's what I'm saying. That's the issue. You start clicking... Yeah, you start getting some fucked up ads. Yeah. If you start to want to, like, hear about any of these. Yeah, you can start buying pure adrenochrome from China.

Yeah, pop-ups. It's like, how am I getting a pop-up right now? I thought those were long gone. I wish I was going to pop-tart. Yeah, super good time. Are aliens real? I don't care because I've got brown sugar and maple. Dude, toaster strudels were the action.

You ever take the toaster strudel icing packet and put that on a Pop-Tart? I don't think that's allowed. You ever played God that way? I don't think that was legal where I grew up. You crossed the streams, man. That's genius. That's heavy voodoo. Yeah, you're playing with some dark arts.

It's an ancient magic. Magic with a K. Yeah, the good kind. Magic the gathering. The real deal. Yep. Yeah, the good kind. Magic the gathering. The real deal. Yep. Damn. It was sick.

But yeah, it is tough to want to know the truth and then to have the people that have maybe gotten, stumbled upon some nuggets of truth also be just regurgitating so much. Yeah, it's like David Icke, you know? I don't. regurgitating so much other stuff. Yeah, it's like David Icke, you know? I don't. Well, he's, you know, he's like a lizard person, you know, anti-Semitic guy, but he's also like said some really brave, cool stuff.

All right, we're going to cut that out probably. No, I'm just saying, you know. Did you stand by that guy? There's a couple of true, you know, free speech warriors out there. Your big Icke guy? Uh, no. I had to think about that. Well, yeah, then why are we...

I don't know about him. I don't know if we should put him out there. Of course you don't, because you don't want to know the truth. Let's not promote him. He had a million person live stream on YouTube until they defunded him. He's part of the EPA. Who made that call?

Damn, Hillary. Hillary, yeah. She's still pulling strings. She's loving Adrenochrome. Pull, Hillary. Hillary, yeah. She's still pulling strings. She's loving Adrenochrome. Pulling tampon string, yeah. She's not bleeding anymore. That's true. That was a part of...

She's got an old dust bowl situation. They were like, there's nothing going on down there. There's no blood of hers. No. It's not her blood down there. She's just getting it pumped in from a blood bag infant. No. She's down to Haiti to get another score.

Juicy juice. Juicy juice. Juicy juice always tasted a little like blood, didn't it? Yeah. It was kind of like blood, I think. Usually because I was chewing my tongue to get all the sweet flavor. It just tastes like my shin after I fell off my bike. I used to be able to put my foot in my mouth, and I can't anymore. Well, yeah, that's how we didn't have lemonade stands.

We just licked our own shins for the neighbor creeps. Lick your shin, kid. Get that blood off. Give you some pogs. Can I have some more jacks, mister? Yeah, shove this banana in your butt. Man, yeah, we had to deal with a

whole lot of advancements in a short time. We were going from Lincoln Logs to the internet. Like that. Yeah, and we got to see Tupac's autopsy at 12 and a half. Right. A lot of weird shit. I remember enjoying playing Mavis Beacon.

That was like the peak of technology for a while, was the typing tutor. Do you remember that? No. Remember the one where you were in space, and if you typed fast enough, the rocket ship would launch? Oh, that sounds... I feel like I remember that.

That was like sick. Yeah. And now kids have VR pornography. Yeah, you can get your dick sucked by the internet. Yeah. You can just be Jake's 7'4 black friend, getting hogged off live anyway follow the money

what what time are we at you're at 41 oh damn i thought we had it i would have guessed that we were closer to an hour but i don't know let's just keep fucking plowing, dude. You know? That's what we are. We've got to put the bit in our mouths and step out to the field and just yank the cart behind us, man. We're the plow horses of a new generation.

God. How annoying is it to think about putting out a podcast? Just seems so dumb. Oh, this is the dumbest thing I've ever done. But ever since you came to me on Bend a Knee and begged. I begged you for, what, six years? Yeah. You're like, I just need a shot, kid.

I just need one more chance. You're a fucking punch-drunk boxer. I had this great idea in 2019 to start a podcast. Yeah. But let me finish. It's two white comedians. Go on. I'm listening.

They don't know much about anything. Is there a format? A lot of talk about growing up and getting a boner in ninth grade. Whoa, boners? Teen boners? Here's a million dollars. Anything we talk about,

there's a whole genre of podcasts. I thought about wanting to talk about aliens and shit but it's like oh yeah rogan and nine million rogan wannabes yeah my dad's a big alien head political stuff talking about dicks now we're my dad doesn't talk about dicks anymore other podcasts yeah but yeah my dad got banned from teaching not because of the dick talk which he had every morning he's like all right kids the flag. And he'd whip out his ween. And there'd be like a bang flag coming out the tip of it, you know? Like the Joker's gun.

Everybody was fine. Yeah. And it was like, this is... These are teachers. And this is what teachers do. Those who can't teach. Especially comedians. But, uh... Uh-oh. Yeah. Yeah. Especially comedians. But, uh...

Uh-oh. Feels good to be bad. Hoochie coochie ma. Oh, yeah, my dad would always... He taught at a... Blind item. He taught at a school that was a charter school

in Elbert County. A lot of religious people sent their kids there so they wouldn't have to get... What is it when you're religious? Is it sentient? No. You know what I'm talking about? Corrupted? No, no, no. It's like when there's music.

There's like a non... You know what I'm talking about? Indoctrinated? No, no. It's like a type. If it is religious, it is this. And if it's not religious, it's non-this. Secular! Thank you! Come again!

Apu? He's here. What? We've got Cartman calling in later. God. But yeah, why even... Why even... Oh, anyway, my dad taught at Legacy legacy academy and there was a bunch of secular or

non-secular i don't know the difference but my dad would always teach like an alien thing and all the parents hated him but he was like the most prized teacher and he got a host of spelling bee like he was king shit over there man they gave him a robe you know it said dirty dave on the back of it like a boxer yeah he would wear it with no clothes underneath, like Rodney Dangerfield's later years. Just flapping swa in front of the kids. Anyway, yeah, you can't teach kids alien stuff. Yeah, that was the issue.

Not the forcing of children to look at salute and pledge allegiance yeah to a teacher's dick right he was like he they had to they had to renounce their citizenship in america enjoy enjoying dave town but he just tried to say like hey you know you guys get fed a lot of religious stuff not even you were just like this is like the Phoenix Lights. Like a history thing. The Mexico City debacle. Yeah. You know? How did the Crunch Berries get into Captain Crunch?

He really, he really got to the bottom of some stuff with these kids. You know? The Reese's Cup situation. Yeah. Damn.

Yeah. Thanks for, thanks for sneaking a quick penis touch through your short shorts. My dad used to go camping when we were kids. And he would take my uncles and his friends. And I would be left at home with my mom and my aunt. Because my uncle and my aunt lived with us when I was really little. And I thought it was cool because I could eat like you know uncooked peanut butter uh cookie dough and we'd like watch like never-ending story and shit when my mom and my aunt just got fucking

blasted drunk on wine yeah and i was like why would my dad want to go like be in nature you know like why would he want to hike into the bottom of this canyon in northern New Mexico and, like, hang out with dudes for four days? And now, I fucking get it, dude. When we went to the shrimp farm thing in Montana, me and Jansen, Cock, and Mel, it's like, I never understood why my dad would want to be alone with the fellas. And then you're alone with the fellas in nature, like, you know, fucking shotgunning white claws while the sun's up, and it's like, this is sick. know fucking shotgunning white claws while the sun's up and it's like this is sick well yeah we've we've talked about it how i guess in the first episode we talked about how the magic of of guys that are friends yeah can be something special that a lot of guys either don't really get or they get a weird version where it's just like the the core group of young of guys that

they grew up with and they're afraid to tell their friends they love them. Well, yeah. That long of a friendship... They don't do mutual release experiments. Yeah, they're so scared of each other's bodies. Yeah. I think they're more afraid of your mind. You don't want to jerk this thing off. It'll get everywhere.

No, yeah. If you just have the immature we've known each other since we were nine so every time we hang out we act like we're nine yeah

yeah if you have the other kind where you're allowed to grow it's really great and I was gonna say the best is having all the different

relationships platonic with with a woman friendships with like a bunch of women like being able to, like you grew up with women in your family,

being very strong and funny. All of them have something unique to offer. And yeah, hanging out with dudes can be great. They're right guys. What's cool about the female platonic relationship is as soon as they realize

like, you know, banging strange is sick. Don't get me wrong. Trying to sniff up every tree you can find. Go for it. I'm kidding. We said, yeah, sex is cool, but settle down. Right, so, yeah, horny guys, gross.

Put it away. Lock it up. Grow up. Do a puzzle. Stop checking it. I'm sorry. That's all worked up. I'm thinking about my dad's hog and those curious kids. But, no, as soon as it's off the table and everyone realizes you're not banging each other, having an actual conversation with a woman is wild.

It's great. When they're open and honest like tell you the shit that they're worried about right it's like holy shit where was this my entire adult life yeah it's so i've been trying to get you to fucking show me one of them so bad right yeah that well yeah we were talking in another episode about how that just feels so it's not very productive if so much of your brain is like, gotta get laid, gotta look cool, or like, same being around other, like, straight guys where you're just like, gotta look

strong and tough and gotta shit on somebody for being different. Gotta say a racial slur. Having a weakness. Yeah. And all of that is so stupid and gross. Like, ugh. We're so, it's just such a waste it has its place no i'm saying you can there's a difference between there's a difference between having moments of being silly and immature uh but but that just being a part of it and then if that's

your whole way of connecting with like we we said, talking like Cartman or Anchorman quotes or sports, like, uh, God, it's such a surface level. And it's not like, I don't know. It's not like it's hard to have more than that, but it does take some, like you have to be uncomfortable or whatever. You have to get over yourself or whatever. Best way to do that, to get over your whole fear of you know

whip it out no get underneath your buddy check his oil that's what I always heard kiss his neck yeah yeah I don't know you used to kiss dudes all the time

remember that that was your thing oh yeah whoops but it was your thing like once it was after 51st jokes two years ago yeah and we all got wasted at illegal pete's it was one night where you were like yeah this is what i do and i didn't say no i get really drunk i like kissing my butt i didn't say this is my thing i've never done this you tried to claim it i did not i said that there's only so much you can

do hugging and when you love someone so much, you gotta give them a smooch every now and then. And also, I was fucking wasted. We were all on mushrooms too, remember? I was handing out mushrooms and we were all drunk. Yeah, and I started smooching people. It was a party. It was a peck. It wasn't like I was

locking lips. I wasn't trying to... It was aggressive. No. It was all consensual. I decided not to. Yeah, you were against't like I was locking lips. It was aggressive. No. It was all consensual. I decided not to. Yeah, you were against it. I was like, no. Yeah, here you are espousing all these very high-minded ideals,

and then you're like, I'm not going to kiss you at a Mexican food restaurant. This place isn't, this is fast casual. Disappropriation. Yeah. It's pretty cool to think about Native Americans having seven different genders and just nailing life. Talking to God. What? What? You don't want to get into that?

I don't want to speak for a whole maligned group. Haven't you read that? No, it's a good thing. Part of the settlers' domination that they did over all culture included erasing that part of their heritage. Where a lot of tribes had seven genders. Or there were seven different types of spirit or whatever. And that was not transferred into any history books when they talked about Native American life. Seven genders? Yeah. Two is enough.

I'm having a tough enough time figuring out both of these, you know? I'm going to throw five more snakes into the bag? I'm saying, it is a rich tapestry out there. And we've got people wearing a fucking cotton wife beater is not what we're trying to say, but there's another one. Guinea slug? I wasn't even thinking of that one. That's what my dad called them. Oh, no.

I didn't know what they meant. Yeah, I didn't either. You can say bad stuff about Italians, though. It's not for long. They're starting to speak up. Yeah, they got Columbus Day taken away. Oh, God. Can you imagine giving a shit about the half real idea of a person so much?

Right. Columbus, Ohio changed their name from Columbus, Ohio to White Power, Ohio. Yeah, they doubled down. Yeah, the Italians weren't pumped. They wanted to change it to Meatball Sub, Ohio. Manigault, Ohio. Yeah, they doubled down. Yeah, the Italians weren't pumped. They wanted to change it to Meatball Sub, Ohio. Manigault, Ohio. That shit. Ah, man,

I watched a few of those videos. I think Unicorn Riot I think had someone... You're talking about seven genders and unicorn rides? Unicorn Riot

was like a Twitter account with... No, I'm just explaining that there was this footage. I think I've heard enough. There was this... Let me stop you right there. You've done the math.

Yeah. I followed the money. No, just seeing those dudes, mostly, being so upset with this, you know, God, and then yelling at people and making it sound like the people that want the Columbus statues down are emotional and irrational and stuff. It's like, look how emotional you are. You brought a fucking, your son's aluminum bat.

You know, you brought it to this park so that you can hit somebody because they're trying to say, hey, that person was like a murderer, you know. because they're trying to say, hey, that person was like a murderer, you know? It doesn't matter. It wasn't a different time either because there were so many types, groups of people that were not a part of slavery. And then these Italian dudes are just like, yeah, but he's all I got.

It's him and the Eagles. Who the fuck? Laurel? Laurel from Aqua Teen? Hey, that's my fucking heritage! Oh, God! They took Gary Glitter away from us! What the fuck?

I can't even watch Joker no more! It's so fucked, man. I can't believe that we still have people that are just caught up in four things, and they're all just the worst way to enjoy those things. Well, yeah. I like football, meaning I almost kill a person every weekend. Yeah, I gambled all my kids' diabetes medicine on the Jets. Yeah, yeah.

Fucking Jets! This is our year! Over here. Yeah. Just overdoing it and yeah you can't get into how complicated Columbus was with a statue in a park

that a bunch of people have to walk by that were on the other side of that story the bad side that sucked and just dismiss it because that's my heritage over here I'm genociding over here hey i'm trying to hold down a couple types of civilizations over here i'm taking away five genders over here

columbus was as repressed as i mean even more repressed than tony soprano i think even more toxic i think columbus Columbus was pretty wide-minded. Soprano's more toxic. He was trying some stuff. He has a woman, first mate on the ship or whatever, that's his therapist. Yeah. Like Dr. Malfi. Dr. Malfi?

Hey, over here. Yeah. Backhanded her. Columbus also reported UFOs. Damn, dude. Oh, shit. Rogan style. Let's go to Rogan's corner.

Let's head over into the Rogan corner. Now you're into Columbus again. Are we allowed to say his... Do we have to bleep his name? Columbus? No, Rogan. We have to pay him $1,000. No, we have a... We're with Spotify. We have to pay him $1,000. No, we're with Spotify.

We're with that Humpty Dumpty motherfucker? Yeah. We're getting 20 cents a play over here. It's not even that. It's like a fraction of a penny. It's not even that over here. I gotta listen to this shit for the rest of my life over here just to make an honest living.

Just to be able to afford a replacement bat for my son because I used his bat. Tracking some idiot over the head. I got to stream all this shit just to be able to afford to live over here, over here. I thought OnlyFans was when you pledged allegiance to one football team. Instead of these fucks that got a favorite in each division. I've been trying to talk some of my grocery friends into starting OnlyFans. Yeah, to buck the system?

No, just because I think I can profit off their weird bodies. I told Creasy, I don't want to call it pimping, but it sure is fun. And it isn't easy, let me tell you. No, I just feel like we can get some fucking know. This is crazy. Yeah, we can get some fucking oddbody to like sit in a pie while wearing a diaper and make like three grand a month, you know. We do know a couple of very curious physical forms. Yeah, some specimens. We could have a whole like starting five, like a fab five.

Fab five. Just the gooiestest dudes there are Yeah Juicy, sticky, lumpy Want a little blood? We can get some blood I can get your blood Over here Poke one of these idiots

No but just think about I'm thinking about some real gross Pricks And just have them do stuff Not even nudity Kind of like jackass-esque debasement Put that on OnlyFans gross, real gross pricks and just have them do stuff. Not even nudity, but just like, you know, kind of like jackass-esque debasement. Yeah.

Put that on OnlyFans. Break a raw egg on their head. Yeah. Eat a turd. Get hit by a car. Did anyone ever make you eat a turd as a kid? No. I did a turd once.

I did it just for the attention. Look over here. Hey, I'm eating shit over here. You were a new kid at a new school trying to make friends. No, I'm eating shit over here. You were a new kid at a new school. Trying to make friends. No, I didn't do anything like that. Food stunts? I did food stunts in college.

I started in college. You found yourself. Yeah, well, that's when I started really finding who I was. You found your medium. Well, we'd be in medium. Well, I would be in the cafeteria and I would eat with friends and then find a table with a couple people at it that we didn't know.

Dorks? Either dorks or girls. Clubs, queeps. Maybe like a nerd with a friend. A nerd. Yeah, a couple nerds. A couple of turds. Yeah, over here. And I would get like a little thing, a little bowl of pudding,

and ask if I could sit down with them and finish my dessert. And then they would say yes, and I would sit with them and start eating it with my hand and try to like be real friendly. And that was a fun, that was like not for,

I mean it was for attention. Who was watching? My friends. You did this in college? Yeah, my friends were at another table. They'd be like, hey, Lon, go do your weird shit over there. Over here. It's pudding time.

Yeah. Yeah, I don't know. I was getting out there. That's like a 7th grade move, man. I was testing the waters. Well, I was stunted because I was kept in an attic. From 7 to 12. They fed you herbs.

Eat your snouts, Nathan. I was raised by snakes. Very religious, repressed snakes. They were not even the cool kind of snakes that did drugs. They were like homeschool snakes. You were eating pudding with your fingers. Eating pudding. There's some exchange student at UNR.

Yeah, Reno, yeah. Yeah, the Wolfpack. That's right, me and Colin Kaepernick. That's like the most upsetting thing I've heard you say for some reason. Why? Because it's childish? I don't know. I don't know. I just expect more from you.

It was harmless. It wasn't like, it wasn't super fucking. Like, that's something I would do now at a comedy festival. Well, yeah, because you're still looking for the approval of 18-year-olds. No, I'm trying to show kids how it should be done. I'm trying to put them on the game. Hey, paint it away. Yeah, I was an old soul in college.

I was older than some of these guys. I had to raise them right. An old soul. It was just a stupid human trick. Yeah. I was a big Letterman fan. If you have a kid, never call him an old soul unless you want him to buy a fedora. I'm not going to have a kid.

I'm not talking to the listener. Oh. Complete piece of shit. He pudding fingered a jackass. Pure evil. Yeah. Chubby behemoth himself. Nathan Lund. The snapdragon. Bad evil. Yeah. Chubby behemoth himself. Nathan Lund.

The snapdragon. Bad boy for life. I got literally upset with your pudding story. Yeah, let's get rid of that. No, leave it in, man. Let them know. Let them know who they're dealing with. A glimpse into the psyche.

I don't know why I'm so upset either. It's because I think I hold you to this high moral standard and I look to you as like a light in the darkness. Then there you are sitting down with like Chinese kids trying to play Yu-Gi-Oh! And you're like, hey, you guys like boom? Doing the voice. I was doing Carl. Everyone's like, who's this guy?

Hey! Who's watching volleyball? That is the natural progression, too. It goes from Cartman to Carl. Well, I would say... And then you find yourself holding an aluminum bat at a Columbus tattoo. If you stay on the

path that they want you to stay on, you go from Cartman to How I Met Your Mother. But the real kids, the real ones, the true dark souls, wander towards

Aqua Team at a young age. Let alone Squidbillies. My God. Squidbillies was fucked up. Don't touch the trail. Yeah, see? Becker gets it. Squidbillies was dark.

Not as dark as Boondocks. It was a guy... Boondocks called Rat. Please don't say that. Alright, that's the end of that one. Yeah, that's the button.