Chubby Behemoth - Paul Lund

Episode Date: October 16, 2023

Land Before Eggs. King Meatball. The Fish Was Bad.   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth   Extra episodes at Patreon.com/chubbybehemoth

microphone is that what we're doing no my mic's working right well there were allegations last week that I made against you of your mic not working and then I listened to some of the patreon and I just want to say I'm glad I said that because I was right my mic is working it is now it is now but last week you were too stoned and delusional to realize that my ears were good now Lund is completely frozen and he's never looked stupider on my end is that same for you gotcha oh yes i'm i'm stinking it up i'm a little stinker hey that's the one that i love one's ready to goof around and yes and we're to have a big damn day. How do I say that?

You're good. Oh, cool. I'm in an extra room at Chelsea Starr and her boyfriend's house. Lon, do you remember her? Chelsea Starr and her boyfriend's wang. Below her neck. She was the one who exposed herself to us in Cleveland, and then you went back to the room and sexually gratified

yourself. This was the land before eggs. I don't think any of that is true, right? Yes, yes it is. Cleveland. You thought I was asleep because I was so drunk, but no, I couldn't sleep because you'd never been more alive.

You were so awake that it kept me from slumber. Alright, well, I'll bet it was a good time. Whoa, what the hell? Packers. Packers, man. But hey, Bev check. I'm working on a squirt over here, motherfuckers. Oh, nice.

Nice. I have a squirt. I've got blood orange soda water and flat water, non-sparkling. So is that just good old-fashioned tap, or is that water that's deflated like a balloon? It's filtered. Ooh, all right. Nice.

Well, that was unfiltered. Yeah, you're getting me raw, baby. Shirtless, uncensored. It's good. We've all established our roles in in the pod you're kind of the wild feral man who doesn't wear a shirt and burps and i as i established on the patreon i'm a little cutie hello where's the ring light well the ring light got taken from there by airport security no yeah it did because because there was slime all over it? No, because I was using it in line to be the cutest one at security.

And they had to take it away because there was a little girl there who was jealous. She started crying because I was cuter than her. You kept tapping the person in front of you on the shoulder and saying, cute off for your spot. Yeah. And you kept winning. You just kept having to plow through the line mercilessly. Well, there was a lot at stake on the last one because it was, let's switch spots, but I did it with the pilot of the plane.

And I won, of course, because that ring light just made me look like I was fallen from heaven down to hell. Becker, what's going on? Becker's having a hard time. My table just broke. So Becker thought that he was using a table, but it was actually a turtle. My table's walking away. My table is racing a rabbit.

I bought this table at a place called Aesop's. It's good when your producer or your podcast can't figure out a table. That's good. He's getting there. That's what his job has been. The crash course was learning about tables.

But it doesn't mean that as soon as the course is over you're perfect. Still human. Still able to make mistakes. I had a similar thing Friday. I was a part of the Spaghetti and Westerns Festival, beloved Trinidad institution, 75 years strong. And I was welcoming people.

Wally came up to explain how the spaghetti sauce contest was going to work, and I interrupted him to say, Wally Wallace, explaining how eating works, everybody, but obviously some of you maybe learned a thing or two. It was fun. It was a good time. Becker, you were missed. There was Pop-Tart.

There were Pop-Tarts in some of the spaghetti sauces. There's a couple people with dementia that entered the contest, and so it was all over the place much like the spaghetti itself did you wear a big white sweater as i hoped no but there was uh one of the bills there's two guys named bill here that love to like heckle me you know that they're they're all in good fun uh one of them showed up with a white well it depends on the night sometimes it's like hey the, the Bills are here. Thanks for getting a ticket, supporting comedy.

And then other times it's... I don't know which Bill that is, but I'm going to jump into the dark and just start swinging because I know one of you is the cause of this. No, one of them, Bill Winter, showed up in a beautiful, virginal, white wool sweater. And I said, holy shit, Bill. That's the most confident amount of, you know, just he came in with his dick swinging.

Because he was about to have seven different spaghetti sauces. Try them all. Have a bunch of loose, wet spaghetti noodles flopping all over his mouth. Yeah, he's got noodles breaking the speed barrier as they enter his lips. Oh, yeah. And yet he shows up in this white, the whitest, purest of all tops.

Well, it would only be better if he sat down. He emerged unscathed. It'd be great if he took it off as he sat down. It's just his bare nude chest and he's got like a ruckous ducatus tattoo on his heart giant ship on his chest bill you were a marine what the hell i came to eat chili and blow loads and i just came so uh he starts cranking off he's like hey i got a secret ingredient and everyone's like stop it bill he pulls out a gun

and he's like let me finish you motherfuckers let me finish i bought a ticket just like anyone else i'm taking the ride the ride's over when i say we come to a stop, and the room's still spinning. Oh, dude, there's a character down here I hadn't met. He's running for mayor. His name is Tomasino something, and he is nuts. I finally met him. He is like a 69-year-old gay man with a mustache. He looks like Ruben, the Mexican dude in the stinky car sketch in I Think You Should Leave.

He's kind of like that, like bug-eyed. I'm running for mayor. Hello, I'm Tomasino. I've made some spaghetti sauce. Just openly gay, running for small town mayor. And I was like, oh, this guy's got my vote, and Megan did too, until you talk to him long enough and you

realize he's completely insane he he like doesn't know he doesn't think the moon is real there's some crazy shit that apparently he has spouted and so we can't we're not allowed to vote for him for mayor he's a truth or i don't know i don't know i think that was a fake example but i think he is out there. He is a wackadoodle. I think that what this podcast needs, honestly, is for Nathan Lund to run for mayor of Trinidad, Colorado. No. I haven't heard of him. Like 50 people vote.

Yes, exactly. And I think there's more people who listen to this pod than those 50 people in Trinidad. We can for sure turn the vote, dude. I don't want that responsibility. I'd have to fucking shake a bunch of hands at the car dealership. That's what you run on down there. You say, hey, this city's good enough as it is. And if you elect me mayor, I'm not going to lift a fucking finger.

All right? I promised you four years of not progress not recidivism but straight up the same so straight up fart loading for two years yeah exactly straight up spinning pinwheel of death in three years so vote for me Lund the innate candidate I put the Nate in a Nate candidate huh i'm not running i'm too busy opening for you i wouldn't be here everything would go to shit the raccoons would take the streets bro all those people would be like hey we do like trinidad as it is we're gonna vote for this guy instead of crazy tomasino who uh isn't whenever he shuts his eyes, he thinks that he's dead. He thinks he's just dying 20 times a minute whenever he blinks.

I'm back. Well, yeah, no, the field is, maybe when I get older, because it seems like Trinidad likes an old fuck to guide them into the millennium. They're always talking about the millennium as if it's still 98 they're excited about the 21st century they're hoping that y2k strikes so everything's stopped forever yeah don't forget y2k yeah we were lucky in 2000 but what if it what if the computers you know they were cost-cutting measures.

You skip a couple years, and next thing you know, all your money's gone. Your hard-earned money that you got from getting hit by that school bus. Your settlement cash is gone, and all you've got is that one year's worth of tuition for the gunsmithing college. Welcome to Trinidad. That's right. You're stuck. Might as well vote. So you're in cleveland or what no

all right i told you where i am i'm in i'm in oh i'm in dearborn i'm in saint claire shores michigan everyone oh dumped them in cleveland yeah yeah yeah do you remember yeah and then you said hey we know i know no we had a nice time. We were mature about it. We didn't start panting. We didn't have to say to each other, play it cool. No, you pulled me out of there the same way that the white girlfriend does to her black boyfriend in the movies when her uncle says something racist. You were like, we're leaving. That's enough. I ain't calling here for this.

That's enough. We're leaving. Come on, Tomasino. This election is everything. It's funny, dude. It was a good time down at the A.R. Mitchell Museum. Did the spaghetti sauce contest? I don't know if a winner was announced.

Wally will announce the winner in January of 2025. Yeah, once all the votes are counted. know if a winner was announced wally will announce the winner in january of 2025 and then me and elise kearns and ron lynch went to main street live and made fun of the movie the villain i thought you said you all you guys say you you hooked up with all three of those no no that'd be nuts but yeah ron is still here ron said he really biffed it on this weekend planning because he flew to denver and then rode down to trinidad with elise and then knowing that he was gonna do this thing friday like perform friday saturday was just like straight up like classic western screenings in raton and so he took the train down there and like watched a couple movies and then came back here i assume and then his train doesn't leave he's taking the train back to la tomorrow and it's 24 hours yeah i think he's a train guy so i think he's in he's into it but yeah he admitted it was kind of a funny i don't know

wally might have hypnotized ron or maybe Wally remembered Ron's pills one time, and so he owes him real big. But yeah, it was funny that Ron Lynch was bumping into people. He got paid in spaghetti sauce. He's sending him back on the train with just two sackfuls of spaghetti sauce. He didn't read his contract. Yeah, he didn't get Ziplocs in the contract. He was stoked on the spaghetti sauce.

It's the vessel itself. And the train would not insure a suitcase full of spaghetti sauce. So therefore, he has to go back with just like two grocery bags full. And guess what? They're paper. Okay? Not even plastic. The plastic bags are 10 cents each.

Oh, man. You know what I've been talking about? Gummies. I've been gummed out for the last four days dude i've been high as hell dude what have we been vaping i've been getting very stoned and it's fun it's the best it's fun again yeah you just can't do it uh all day every day or else you turn into becker you don't know how tables work. A table that you already owned. It's not a new table he's figuring out. He got betrayed. Yeah, I got betrayed. I was betrayed by my trade.

The dinner trade. Speak into the microphone, you son of a bitch. Betraybled. I was looking at the tray to make sure it wasn't going to happen again. The tray betrayed me. It was betrayable like Nathan said. I covered all that.

He's not even listening either. He's not talking into the mic. His earbuds are just an episode of Shadesong. He has a different podcast. What are you talking about? He's producing your mom's house now.

We should all eat another gummy. What do you think i'm out of guys yeah i don't have any nearby i've been blasting these pens megan gives me the the remnants the slop of pens and it's my it's my duty well you know it's my duty to finish the uh to finish the little bit of stank. Yeah, you killed the vitamin E residue. That's what you get. I'm a good boy. I blast them until there's nothing left. Well, I'm at a birthday party right now for Ryan, and his three brothers are here, and his mother.

So I'm going to leave this chamber just totally gorko, man. Walk into the room backwards? Hey hey we're watching the game on rewind yeah they're all watching the lions game outside they have a fire pit going meanwhile i'm in here eating gelatinized drugs i sit on the toilet i'm not on the toilet no if you flush in 20 minutes i I'm going to know your feet are asleep. You're just going to fall over. I've done one of these on the toilet before. I tried to get away with what?

I had to poop, and so the last 10 minutes I turned my camera off and sat on the toilet. camera off and sat on the toilet and uh i think i admitted that i was on there as opposed to you figuring it out it was pretty obvious when i went incognito whoa my camera broke i uh i did an interview once on the toilet with marshall university in west virginia and i flushed halfway through because i was getting confident and then the lady on the phone like the undergrad was like is everything okay you're like I'm doing laundry I'm working on a transmission right now as well sorry my earbuds are in did you meet before you flushed? No. Oh, my God. What the hell?

Yeah, it felt pretty cool. Just staring into the camera. Yeah, just lock eyes. And I say, that's the thing about writing. I go word by word. I go sentence by sentence. And I'm like, a beat? Is everything okay?

Look, kid. No. no all right it's not okay this is how poorly planned out my day is that i had to take this call on the toilet so yeah everything's not okay hot damn that's good and nothing came of that obviously you she you tried you called back and they were like oh yeah she dropped out she doesn't she's not affiliated with marshall university i think she i think she went back home she said she had to see her mom she transferred to marsha warfield university Oh, how about, God, when we were in Kansas City, I joked about what I thought was a fact, which was that the club had had Dustin Diamond come through several times. And then when we were playing poker, it came out that he, rest in peace, he's gone now,

he never performed there. I would have lost money. I would have sworn. Yeah, and the owner was like, he was very proud of the fact that he never performed there. I would have lost money. I would have sworn. Yeah, and the owner was like, he was very proud of the fact that he never booked Dustin Diamond. Meanwhile, we were like, this is the kind of shithole club that would totally book Dustin Diamond multiple times. And his name was Dustin, and I call him Dustin Diamonds because he's Jewish. So it was like really confusing all around. He's uncut, like a gem.

Yeah. Also, you know what wasn't uncut? Dustin Diamonds' hog, which I found out recently was fake. In that pornographic film that he made, it was a stunt cock. Becker nodding knowingly. He's been down this road before. Disappointment Avenue. He did the IMDB page for that movie. Sorry, Becker.

Yeah, it's a stunt cock. He didn't want his own cock scene. That was very disappointing to me because we all laughed very hard at that porno back in the day. Yeah, we laughed at it. That's what we were all doing to it oh we were laughing at it it was pretty funny and wild oh yeah yeah I totally laughed that's the only thing never want to feel good well I did that movie you got hard while you watch the screech porno I got hard and

then real soft you can feel I got hard and then just, you could feel it getting softer in my hand after something really nice happened to me. Oh no, a nice thing is happening to me. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Oh, a nice thing's about to happen. Oh, a nice thing's about to happen. Oh, shit. Also, the fucking 49ers just cost me like $1,800.

Oh, yeah. I was going to say, I bet like an asshole. I had eight legs hit besides that one. Yeah, which was like the lock. So, yeah, that sucks. Minus nine and a half? that's what it was last night no i teased them down to minus three and a half i had an eight eight leg teaser it was nuts damn yeah i lost almost every i went wild last night i slept to like i don't know i didn't sleep but i was stoned as hell and then i was, I'm going to look at what's going on for tomorrow,

and I just start betting a dollar on like the 12-leg anytime touchdown score of our lays. And I was like, whoa, if this hits, I'm going to make 42 grand off of $2. You know, it's just so stupid. God, just the perfect rube for these gambling apps where it's like, holy shit. $1 to make $7,500. Yeah.

All I need is for nine different things to happen exactly the way I say they would. Just a total doof. Everything else was hitting easily, and then when the Browns started limping at the end and eventually lost, it was terrible because I already sent a nasty text to Emily saying, hey, guess what? It's over. I'm out. But then they blew it.

So that's why I want to come out and say that Brock Purdy, and I didn't want to have to bring this up, he once called Mel, my brother-in-law, a racial slur. What? Yeah. At the game?

No, we were at a strip club in Colorado Springs after I was at Looney's. A guy that looked like Brock Purdy? A guy wearing a Brock Purdy jersey, actually. Used some racially charged language with Mel and they were in the urinal and they got it all on tape I hit up the strip club diamond Denise's so we have that I'm gonna push my civil suit forward against Brock Purdy yeah I was pretty dumb of him to be such an asshole in his own jersey why i mean it's like hey we got your red handed here all right your name's literally on your back red shirted i'll

bet it was the away jersey so it's just a bright red bullseye that said come arrest me for a hate crime yeah also mel told me that uh that Brock was leaning on the Korean part, which is surprising. Yeah, so it's like... Black and Korean. Well, if this was a nursery rhyme or a Dr. Seuss book, I could say what Brock Purdy called Mel, but since it's just a conversation,

I don't want to use the word. Yeah. But, yeah, Brock, we got you on camera, and we want that money money we're not taking the mystery box this time fellas all right i learned that last time when uh when i was 12 and dikembe matumbo uh called me fat it was crazy he was in my same class and i guess those those tv cameras really make a guy look big because di Dikembe was also not black. Yeah, it was weird.

Yeah, it's funny to imagine young children, white children, whose first name is Dakota or Sky, and then they have a Mutombo jersey on. Like, oh yeah, good old Kenny Mutombo. Little Bryce Mutombo. I think I understand why Brock was wearing his jersey because it's like he's a celebrity, he doesn't want to get noticed, but it's kind of like 4D chess because he's like, no one thinks that I'm going to wear my own jersey in public. And then he's wearing it and it's like hey, you know, Mel's people didn't actually do that to the chinese so let's uh let's chill ron lynch just woke up i guess because he was like oh should

i come down we could have ron lynch here right now with me shirtless yeah wally just hit me up saying i have ron lynch he wanted to drop in like well that would be tricky too late i have ron lynch and i'm not letting him go i dumped him out i'm not sending him back to los angeles until you guys meet my demands i want to do the spaghetti festival every weekend i want you guys to call me king meatball oh yeah there was the contest and then uh wally's wife mentioned that she had she had to go to walmart i think uh friday during the day and there was no prego so somebody just bought nine jars of prego and then entered the contest wow uh yeah so that's not cool. And that wasn't Tomasino, because he said his shit takes 48 to 60 hours. And he not going through the motions for no prego.

Yeah, there's no tomatoes in my sauce, actually. I do it all with figs. I'm a Tomasino. Come and eat my fig sauce. I leave the pits in. It's better for your teeth now you can poop like the owl full of pellets uh after we made fun of the movie the villain uh which has young and margaret and young arnold schwarzenegger holy shit i don't know who to look at because they were both uh

just glistening just shining bright uh after that elise is all fucked up and then ron just keeps she's all fucked up and then ron just keeps being sarcastic or like so dry you know just saying things that aren't true and she's all fucked up so she believes every word you know it was pretty fun it was a good night i almost went home after main street live but i went to the bar and it was pretty good me and ron lynch got so drunk we were just lying to elise all night about historical facts she wasn't even drunk she's just dumb yeah she was partying oh yeah uh and then yeah uh. Ron's just been kicking it in Trinidad.

What was she saying to him? Was she trying to hook up with Ron Lynch? No, no, no. Did he try to hook up with her even though she was drunk? No. Oh, okay.

No. Is that what you're saying? We got her to the Oren's place. We wiped her. We changed her. Put a shirt on if you're telling the truth. I'm not putting no shirt on. what you're saying we got her to the orange place we wiped her we changed her if you're telling the truth i'm not but no shirt on it's warm in here i would hate to change an adult woman's diaper

yuck yeah no we got her got her into the orange place safe and sound but no it was just little things just ron being like oh you dropped your wallet. And she's like, what? Just kidding. He was being a little stinker. Stop, dude! I put my hand on the mic and it didn't matter. No, now your hand still came through. It's a de-gloving accident.

You blew all the skin off your knuckles. Of course it stinks. I ate so much habaneros. They gave me like the biggest fish burrito you've ever seen. Nice. It was huge. It was bigger than it normally is. I don't know why. Has anyone already paid you guys?

In fish burritos? No, I haven't been paid yet, but I'll get paid pretty poorly. Did you come up with a bunch of tubs of spaghetti sauce? No, man. The volunteers were giving everybody way too much, so they ran out of the two

halfway through the line. I went up last because I wanted everybody that, you know, paid or entered the contest or brought people. I wanted them to eat first. And that was my downfall. I'm watching little kids walk by with a bunch of gold that they're going to throw in the garbage because it's too spicy. And by the time I got up there, I got three.

Three of the seven. So, I don't know. They were all okay. Who won in your book? Oh, I can't say. I had three of the seven. Out of the three I had, Sierra, Wally's wife,

fiance, did a good job. The other two, probably mostly Prego. I had to guess. Oh, my spine. Sorry. God, I feel Prego right now.

Oh. So do I. You should have seen this fish burrito. Oh, my God. Oh, yeah. I had three drinks for breakfast. I had too many. How many? There was one really big one, but still. Like an Uncle Buck?

Yeah, because Susie made it for me. So I had two eggs. And then they have these pretzel nuggets over here, and I secretly ate a bunch of those while Emily was on a bike ride. What was your schedule this weekend? You had a bunch of one-nighters, like a fucking vacuum salesman? You had a bunch of conferences you had to hit in the tri-state area? What was the deal?

Yeah, I was actually doing some research because I got cast in Death of a Salesman, the public theater. in Death of a Salesman at the Detroit Public Theater. I went to that play last week and they said that I cried so well that they were going to cast me as the lead. He cried when the concessions were bare bones. It was kind of like a new take.

They updated it so now I'm a door-to-door fentanyl salesman. Business is good. The twist is I have too much money and my family is too well taken care of. They're spoiled little babies. But I get to do Cuban face so that's kind of fun. So you said you were in Janesville, Wisconsin. Where else did you have to go? I went to Meganstown, Illinois.

I went to Meganstown, Illinois. I went to Lewisburg, Connecticut. This isn't good. I was riffing on Janesville. Oh, yeah, I didn't get that. Yeah, I yeah, I don't know

why I thought that would be good. Lying like Ron Lynch. I thought that was... Trying to Lying like Ron Lynch. I thought that was... Trying to dick me around. Huh, yeah. Interesting. Okay, well anyway, I went to Janesville and I did the comedy cabin and you, yeah, remember we talked.

You stayed in an Arby's and I stayed in a really nice hotel. Yeah, you got taken care of. I had to fight a guy for the last room at the wander-in. Yeah. Well, I also saved the club. No!

It's still directly in my ears, dude. You didn't hear that. I muted it. Yeah. Well, it still picks up vibrations. So the rattling of the shutters picked up on the mic. Oh, God. You saved the cabin, huh?

I saved the club, yeah, because we sold like 80 tickets or something. So that was good. That is good. Had a nice time with Rich DeMore. Donnie Townsend didn't wear it. It was good. Dickie D.

Yeah, Donnie did really well and then we went to bed by 12.30. And then I went back to old Chicago with Nate Clemens, the owner down there. And he got me to Minneapolis, and I did the Southern Theater in Minneapolis. Dude, I love the Chubby fans, all right? Really love you guys. love you guys but what's really funny is at a comedy festival where chub nation is amalgamated with normal people who just have passes at a comedy festival dude they were out and they were vocal and they were standing by and before the show even started, it's a theater. All right?

It's like a nice room. And a fucking Chubb fan threw up all over the stage. And he threw up. Yeah. He threw up from the second row. So he threw up over people. Oh, shit. So I don't know this happened and then the sound guy comes in swearing and he's like fuck are you fucking kidding me and we're like well that's weird what's his deal and we see him grab the mop bucket out of the closet and we follow him out and we watch as he mops up puke

as a bunch of people clap and cheer. It was like... It was when the host was up or before the host even... No, before the show started. Oh, God. Yeah. Big pile over people's heads. Awful. That sucks.

No, that's great. Did they stay for the show? Oh, yeah. Nice. Yeah, no. no that's great did they stay for the show oh yeah nice they stayed and really enjoyed the show I think I mean I couldn't did you talk to him

or leave him alone I don't think he would fess up to it because there was a kid who was seated next to the chairs, and then he was moving around a lot. And I was like, this is for sure the guy he threw up. But he wouldn't out himself. Just covered in puke.

Yeah. He's like, oh, yeah, the guy got me, too. It was kind of the first row and the stage, and then me, the guy sitting to the left of the puker yeah but somehow he still got it all over my chin and neck somehow my chest and mustache are stained with it and you can kind of tell that the mustache was like, he like reverse breathed because it's blown forward. So, yeah, so that guy puked and they sold out of all of the light beer at the theater for the first time ever. Is what the sound guy told me.

Nice. Job well done. Dude, the teabags and Lund Nation into a lesser degree. The Becker Back Boys. The Becker Street Boys. Becker Street Bombers. We've really got quite a collection of freaks out there, and I'm happy about it. They rule.

Yes, they do. I'm surprised he didn't. I mean, I guess they rule. Yes, they do. I'm surprised he didn't... I mean, I guess they know. They don't want to be shouted out on an episode for puking before the show has even begun when it's still just like, silence your cell phones. Come back and see.

I think it was Cowboy Eli from Reddit was the kid. Anyway, some kid showed up and he was really blown out of his mind. And he had a mallet in his pocket. And he's like, can I bring this in? And I was like, sure, pal. Yes, you may. Can I bring this weapon in?

Yeah. He had a straight up mallet in his pocket. I have two butterfly knives as well. But I won't brandish them in the theater. I actually sharpened my finger bones down to spikes. Can I bring my fingers in? I just want to be safe.

Damn. Yeah. Dude. So, I was one of the festival headliners, but you know me. I'm not like the rest of these festival headliners and hide in my room. I go hang out with the kids, a.k.a. bully all the other people on the festival. So I was down in the lobby, and this was Saturday morning. I went down to try and find a mic cord, and then I found one, but then everything was fucked up, so I just got to hang out.

And they were having meetings, one-on-one meetings with JFL and... What was the other one? Oh, South by Southwest. And then also the booker of the features at the Punchline in San Francisco got thrown in the mix because they were like, we have too many young comics and we don't have enough slots with the real industry. So we're just going to let this guy go. So I'm down there. I'm bothering people before and after they go in for their interviews.

And before Rand Barnaclow went in, I used the computer that they had in the lobby and I printed out headshots of him. And then before he went in, I went up to Charlie from South by and the lady from Montreal and I gave the beach a headshot and I was like hey coming up next we've got ran barnacle oh and I'm actually representing him we need to win we need to win this year so let us know what we have to do we can pay you guys just please the kid needs a victory and he's costing me a lot of money having him on as a client. All right. With that said, Ran Barnaclow, everybody. I clapped him into the room.

Was he pissed? Mortified? He probably loved it. He loved it. He loved it for sure. I get to see him next weekend. I'm excited. I know. He's excited for you. Oh, yeah, dude. And then Samazaki was up there. And it was me and Hippie Man were talking to her. And she's like, yeah, I just really want to get Montreal.

Because, you know, I've auditioned a couple times. And it gets so hard seeing your peers get it. And John said, Hippieie man says all my peers are dead all my peers are dead man all my peers are dead except for good old ron lynch still hanging out high laying low in trinidad oh the fish was the fish caught me it looked like you were being pulled up by wires it's like you got shot in the mouth and that was the rebound i'm trying to dampen them

No dude A bushel basket but it's not working This is a good microphone You clutched yourself as if you were having a heart attack No I tried to get it I tried to get the mic away And hold it So that it wasn't awful

But it was Still was I gotta lay down Becker do we have an ad this week uh yeah let me pull it up apologies to Ron Lynch for laying down after this instead of hanging out also our cart closed. There's nothing to do here. There's nothing to do down there. There's no crows. It's just flies. Oh yeah, my next

special can be called As the Crow Flies. I don't think I said that during the Patreon. You didn't. I don't remember anyone saying the dumbest thing I've ever heard. As the Crow Flies, that's pretty good. Follow-up album.

Because of the flies. And hopefully the crows. Hopefully crows, too. And you want it to be crows. Our cartopia closes. There's nothing to do. That was the main hang. I know.

There's some crazy idiot who fucking ruined a bunch of cars with flea market crap and you could pay to go hang out in his garage that smelled like

green chilies. Yeah. That was the main hang. That's where all the teens conglomerate. We're fucked. Oh yeah, I got everybody to

I got everybody to laugh at Wally because I called him old Pueblo Wally oh wow yeah I said something about him taking all of the money from the festival back up to Pueblo

instead of spending it investing it in Trinidad it was fun it was fun to rip on Wally for abandoning us come down to Trinidad says Wally new Pueblo resident. We're going to turn it on its head. We're going to make it into the Tampa Bay

of the American Southwest. It's going to be with strip clubs. You're all going to be able to take a water slide from your bedroom to your car. Yeah, now look at you. You're swallowed by flies. You're dodging Ron Lynch. This is the life you want?

No, I want to see him. Hopefully we'll meet up. Hopefully we'll hook up. Have him on a little pod. You guys should do your own pod. We already... Becker and I already did our side pod. It's called...uck It Sam.

It's called Exit Strategy. Bitching and Kvetching. It's called God Damn These Flies. Have you been waking up and you roll over and there's a bunch of crushed fly bodies underneath your nude torso? Yeah, I reach over to honk Megan's boob and it's just a bunch of like crushed fly bodies underneath your nude torso yeah i reach over to honk megan's boob and it's just a bunch of flies dude these edibles really boned me earlier uh early games and when we came over here we were in the hot tub i just gotta power through i just gotta put my fucking head down if i paused my great anecdotes every time you ripped a nasty burp

we would never get through a sentence on this podcast so don't do the cute thing don't try and out cute me by doing it and then just looking into the camera like oh no i did another funny i'm i'm listening no this is not i wish i wasn't burping like this but i housed that burrito and some nachos and some very full now there's nachos and some very full. Now there's nachos? There were, but not anymore because I ate them fast and furious. Before this, I wanted to have energy. Meanwhile, you took downers.

You took benzos. You're going to fall asleep on the toilet. I told you what I took. Without flushing. So anyway, I've been eating these all day. And earlier in between the games, me and Emily took a hot tub. And then I was trying to engage in some post-wet nude action. But I was so high on edibles that I just kept giggling the whole time.

And I was like, I can't pull it off. I'm sorry. Everything's too funny right now. I'm just going to have to get out of here. She was like, very well. Thank God. Because you giggling does not do it. Just me being like,

what? Just poking around. Giving her the old scrub down. Just poking around. Uh-huh. Giving her the old scrub down. Taking off that top layer of skin. She's not doing the gummies with you? No, of course not. No.

Uh-uh. She likes the hard stuff. Yeah. That's what she's on right now. She's out there right now actually huffing propane that's why she couldn't continue to be a doctor she has a shaky hand did you hear my break no no it was bad it was weak yeah beta hurt more than anything you ever have those burps that aren't actually gas it feels like you like cracked a rib You ever have those burps that aren't actually gas?

It feels like you cracked a rib. Yeah. You know what I'm talking about? It doesn't feel like it went out of your mouth. It just kind of frogged through your body. Yeah, it's like you're a human accordion, and you just compress in, and then all of a sudden a noise comes out of your mouth, and you're like, oh.

You swallowed an old-timey bomb and it exploded and then you breathe out the smoke? Yeah, but I was a giant so it didn't really hurt me. Right. And I'm the best at swallowing bombs and it's actually a documentary

about the coolest guy to ever swallow a bomb. It's not a cartoon. Think about that. I'm thinking about it i was laughing on you i was laughing because susie was watching puss in boots she was like staring at it mesmerized and i said oh look at her she thinks she's watching Al Jazeera live coverage of Gaza. Yeah, she thinks it's

the Nat Geo channel, but no. It's Puss in Boots. She's like, wow. It's her whole thing. God, she's so perfect. We're able to squash the beef over the horse, the reality of the horse. Yeah, we drew an accord. She didn't remember because she's a baby.

She has baby brain, you know? Yeah, it's like it doesn't count. Yeah, it doesn't count. She's insane. No, she probably won't look at you the same for a while. She may not be able to articulate why, but she's maybe going to be a little scared of you for maybe the next year. Yeah, no, you fucked up.

That can't be true. That hurts me. I'm just saying, maybe you have to lay it on extra thick to overcome the damage you've done. Or I'm going to have to get a thick to overcome the damage you've done or i'm gonna have to get like a real horse in the basement to prove what a real horse looks like and be like look now admit you were wrong just admit it she's 18 it's her birthday she's about to go off to spite fight the alien war i'm like before, before you go, come downstairs.

This is a real horse, stupid. I gotta, I gotta put a bow on this. Just say I'm stupid. On this feud. That's all I ask. Just say I, Tuzu,

the adult version, is stupid. Alright, thank you. Here's 40 bucks. Oh, no ad. I sent a picture to you guys.

Yeah, it's beautiful. Yeah, I put on Hannah's Elsa dress and then me and Susu ran around the house. But all I did was destroy Hannah's Elsa dress. Yeah, well, it didn't look like you you knew not to like try to stretch it

over your shoulders and torso. So that's good yeah might be salvageable it's still tore and then cc said i look gorgeous and i was like well i'm never taking this off yeah she she praised you it seems like she would have realized that you weren't wearing it correctly and so it didn't look good at all but she lied to make you feel better you can't return the favor yeah and this is just like what that fucking that fateful day where brock purdy slurred my cousin mel uh was there a real altercation or yeah is it entirely vacation because i broke it up i was actually carrying nunchaku that day i had nunchucks on me. And I don't know if you guys remember,

last year in the NFC Championship, Purdy was playing on, like, no shoulder, and that's because the night before he mouthed off and I whapped him with my nunchucks. Oh, God. I'm trying to suppress the burps, and it's dangerous. They got to get out somehow. Let one out.

I was able to stuff that one down, but I think it's going to come out my armpit or something. You got to stop swallowing them. You're going to pass out. Yeah, it's not good. I don't want to see you pass away live on the pod. You got to swallow gum, not burps. Yeah. Make love, not war. No ad. want to see you pass away live on the pod you gotta swallow gum not burps yeah make love not war no ad so let's do an ad for something else how about this compassion yeah thanks compassion

for sponsoring the podcast yeah how about empathy thank you empathy for giving us the strength to persevere on the pod. That's right. Becker, you do one. I don't know. Here's the thing about Becker. He's not a professional comedian. I also, I've just worked for nine and a half hours. And by working you mean

telling someone to turn their computer off and then back on. Saying, unplug the router rude sports left like the whole pacific northwest so I've been having to like code it into shit can you more like rude sports

you know what you need to do honestly I'm going to bring this down so no one hears me you need to put some code into that company you need to embed some code that burns their servers from the inside we need to, and then shut up

and then we're going to short that company on the stock market majorly and when your little worm that you've planted in the rotten apple that is that giant corporation that you're a slave for now but you think you think you're a good slave because they gave you they gave you diamond studded chains but hey you're still a slave all right and when you put that little ticking time bomb in there and there isn't a giant guy who's huge and the

best ever at swallowing bombs and the cartoon they made about him was actually a documentary. He's not around. So we have to hit the fuse on that tiny bomb before some giant swallows it. Okay.

I'm not smart enough to do that, but I like the idea. Look, I'm going to have AI write us a little time bomb code. I'm going to send it to you. And on Halloween, we're going to make it the spookiest day that the markets have ever seen. We pull the next Black Monday. This is how we do it. No, no, no. It'll be a little micro concussion because it's just one company.

It's not going to make the whole Domino's fall. It'd be pretty big. People were targeting Domino's. But only like seven Domino's locations. Not the one here. People will be pissed. They love their Domino's. You guys live in a Domino's hub.

Big on Domino's for sure. Shit, what was I going i gonna say it was something about oh the movie the villain had all had like several of the big uh stand-up comics of the day but it was um john god no it was all people who did that like uh what's his name foster brooks was always the drunk guy at the friars club roasts he was in it yeah he was in it so was um what's his name mal tillis i think did the stuttering guy he would stutter and then like whistle before he got before he said things right and then uh paul lind played and played an indian chief so that was rough every time he came on screen we had to be like all right everybody 1979 please uh keep that in mind that we're

we're gonna get through this and get back to the cartoon violence in a sec i thought that you said it was uh it was bad because you guys had so many great jokes whenever the chief came on screen. And you guys were all fighting over it. No, we just had to bite our tongues until they bled. I mean, Paul Lind, he would switch off between his crazy, wacky,

gay guy voice, like his normal performing voice, and then like... Right, that would come out Paul in let me know he was he in chief he was a yeah hey how are you fellow little bit of red paint on and then yeah would kind of do like a bad like broken English this red paint clashes with my lipstick get get over here and let me get it all over your collar it was a lot to just be like oh yeah this is what you had to do to get

over was have a hook and like foster brooks at least i've seen some roasts where he was very funny as the drunk character like you know more than just like slurring his words he would be funny but man the other guys the stutter was like yeah okay people were loving it these old people were all loving that shit yeah after the after the movie one of them said you didn't even need the comics up there and he's like god damn it what are you talking about ooh let's have a pow wow how now that's all Paul N did he was like a household name

for 30 years yeah it was funny to see him in something other than a game show that's all I know him from I'm game to show yeah he'd say the gayest things anyone had ever heard on game shows in the 70s and 80s. Yeah, like, I love pro wrestling.

All right. Girl sports and board sports are the same. That's the gayest shit I can think of. We're not going to have an ad next week either. We do have one next week already oh hell yeah for what guns this episode brought to you by

gun violence get your son you don't have a gun guess what your neighbor does so either start mowing your lawn on time or mount up let's all go get guns again. I don't know. I mean, so someone I know doesn't know where theirs is.

Really? Yeah. Someone I know is not sure where the gun that they had. Yeah, you guys know him. You guys talk to him pretty often. You guys talk to him at least twice a week for an hour oh it's you

no no it's a different guy oh it's Emily it's a guy that I know Emily's character Spud doesn't know where his gun is how's I's gonna know my name's spud i put transmission oil on my ice cream because i think it's chocolate spud did you buy a gun it was me paul in the whole time oh i found something it wasn't gun, but it was shaped like one.

You guys can do it too. It's fun. I wanted to try and do his voice, but it's more than just that funny. It's the nasally fucking trample. Oh, yeah, that was pretty good. Yeah, Becker, getting involved. Give us more.

Quick, do a great Paul Lind riff. I'm trying to think of things he said dial in the line I can think of his bewitched house for him that yeah he tell Darren to sit on his lap that was great that was wild shit in 1962 to dare never do No. I don't think. Maybe. Maybe once it went to color, the second Darren might have done it. That'd be a cool show. There's an episode where Paul Lynn got blown by Darren. Yeah, but it was the first Darren. Was Dick York and Dick Sargent? Yep.

Nailed it. I think are both of their names, yeah. The Dicks. Dick Yank, right, Sargent? Yep. Nailed it. I think they're both of their names, yeah. The Dicks. Dick Yank. Right, Sargent? Paul Lynde. You guys remember that? Yes.

Oh, shit. I had something about Lynde. It's all right. Probably better this way paul lund the shirt isn't the shirt isn't the only thing that's come off smoke on this piece pipe damn it i can't i can't talk i've got a piece pipe i'd rather have a piece of pipe. Let me get a piece of that pipe.

Have you ever seen his holiday specials? No. Okay, well if you're eating a bunch of edibles, there's no point in you not watching Paul Lynn's holiday specials. I believe there's definitely a Christmas one, and i believe there's a halloween one as well damn we should watch it for the patreon yeah it's a lot of him being santa and making famous people sit on his lap sassy santa baby yeah him walking around with no beard on

just being paul. So cold up here. I sang Santa's a baby on this, right? Another time, you think? I think so. I think so. I think you did. Yeah, it's like a run. Santa's a baby.

I'm a little baby right now. Oh, no. I don't remember. Oh, no. I'm a little baby right now. Oh, no. I don't remember. Oh, no, I'm Santa. Save it for December. Oh, shit. No, but here's a good game show. We go around, and it's me,

and I have a whole bunch of, like, $100 bills. I go up to someone, and I'm like, how much money for me to sit on your lap and then they're like I don't know you're pretty big and I'm like yeah I know and I show them all the money and they're like

alright well I want all that money that you have and I'm like oh crap alright here you go and I sit on their lap and I'm like well that's the only episode we could afford what about that i don't know if people would go for you know what you need to do sitting on someone it's the classic uh wearing your pants around their head oh god yeah that one's tough i don't think we have the budget for that i mean that's

the same issue though i'd be like all right so i've been wearing these pants for about three days no undies uh how much for me to take them off right now and you to put them on like a face mask for a minute and i'm like i have nobody would do it and they're like all right i'll do it for eight grand and you're like okay but you got to breathe through your nose. I'm going to be holding a mirror up to your nose the whole time. I'm going to be watching from a camera that I have impregnated into the pants and I'll be able to see if there's steam on the mirror or not. So you still want to do it? You're like,

oh, you got me. Nevermind. Keep the money. Even if they did it, you'd take the money back if they did it you'd take the money back when they fainted yeah but the money would have like a die pack in it

and if it felt the temperature of my hand after I gave it to them then it would go off okay yeah so I've really thought about everything you could give them Insano money so if they even if they win they think that the money is like snakes or something and then they ditch it and

run away and you can scoop it up oh yeah they're gonna think it's spiders they're gonna think it's pauline's dick yeah it's gonna be a bunch of little spider Paul Lynn's dicks. Paul Lynn's dick with eight arms to it. I have some webbing for you. Paul Lynn. Who was the other one? Like John C. Nelson? Charles Nelson Reilly was a yeah celebrity guest on hollywood squares or like scooby-doo i think he did voices on scooby-doo or he would be himself on scooby-doo like

holiday specials one time charles charles nelson riley is that it yeah i remember because uh when alec baldwin did an old snl he was charles nelson riley on inside the actor's studio and it was very funny because he did it he did yeah he he could do a really good impression and then did the like the wackily like bending your glasses or whatever as if that was like a key to his acting success yeah classically trained acting talent you know involved just freaking out and acting like you were bending your glasses yeah that was a good one my mom danced with him once at a uh and he. Yeah, it was at SeaWorld in Orlando. Check, please. My mom worked down there. And he was the celebrity guest.

And they danced. And then... She worked at SeaWorld. It was like Dick's Trading Post. Dick's Last Resort. All the servers were cunts. Welcome to SeaWorld. What the fuck do you want uh are you gonna leave the door open or are you gonna fucking shut it uh welcome to c word uh we don't have any mayonnaise you fat pig

if that's a precursor to you sitting down first of all we don't know if the chairs can take your wide body but we're out of mayonnaise uh what happened they danced and then what nothing oh he uh he danced with her for like 10 seconds and then he he saw like a cute boy and like jokily cut in with them the other couple but danced with the guy but then I guess he danced for like too long and didn't let go yeah

my mom was like we could all tell that it wasn't like a joke he wanted to dance with the guy yeah I like C word more though he danced with your mom until he saw a hot a hot dude and then he danced her over to like right by the the orca pool and just dropped her in and she was attacked yeah she was swallowed she's mauled and that's, my real father was the whale.

And that's why I can swallow bombs. Because I actually have a whale stomach. Okay, we brought that together somehow. You know what else brings people together? Our Patreon, everyone. Patreon.com slash Chubby Behemoth. Five bucks a month. Get over there.

What are you going to lose? I'll be all over this goddamn planet. I'll be key west this weekend i'll be in tampa bay i'll be in charleston south carolina go to samtalent.com i'm coming over to estonia talent and tartoon all right and i'm doing fucking stockholm at a place most people most people do one or the other. Most people have one Estonia date, not Sam. He's doing two so that you don't have to cross the DMZ. No tensions are high, all right? Whichever side of the war you find yourself on over there in Estonia, you can see Sam Talent singing for the troops. Sam Talent singing for the troops

just doing doing a cute little USO routine like Shirley Temple yeah I'm dressed like Shirley Temple for the boys just a bunch of

bunch of young soldiers and you're doing a little dance dressed as Shirley Temple just yeah dressed real cute and singing old classics modern standards and then you learn a couple of local Estonian songs

yeah local you have to get the you have to get the Learn a couple of local... Estonian songs? Yeah, local fucking... You have to get the regional differences right, where on the west part of Estonia, the heroes are the shepherds. On the other side, it's the farmers that are the good guys. So you have to... Just war propaganda in the form of song.

While wearing a little red curly wig. Wearing wooden shoes. Bombed out Estonia. You're just terrified, but you want to put on a good show for the boys. I'm going to be in Denver next weekend. Lucha Libre and Laughs with Mitch Jones Friday the 20th and then the 21st three shows

at Denver Comedy Lounge with Ran Barnaclo. I don't know who else is on the show but it's me and Ran. It's going to be very fun. Shows are at 6 o'clock 8 o'clock

and 10 o'clock. Somehow there's three fucking shows. Pick your poison. Comedy Lounge is inside of the Colorado Sake Company so you can have some sake you can have some fish you you can have some fish,

you can probably get some seaweed salad while you enjoy wonderful stand-up comedy all night long. Go to all three shows, who cares? Bran will be funny in a different way each show. I'll mix it up a little bit. Oh, my God. Vienna, Prague, Budapest, Bratislava, London,

Denver, Madison, Nashville, samtalent.com. Thank you. Love you. Goodbye. Bye-bye.