Chubby Behemoth - Pile Of It Somewhere

Episode Date: July 25, 2024

SPONSOR: Mint Mobile! Support the show & cut your wireless bill to $15 a month at https://www.mintmobile.com/CHUBBY   BONUS EPISODES: https://www.Patreon.com/chubbybehemoth   This week the boys start out talking about haircuts. Nathan is rocking his time traveling sensei look, updated us on his Michigan activities, and got no sold by a wicked clown. Sam had a special visitor, wants to be carried on a chair, and got his eyes on the real prize. We gotta win this thing! The poncho was a mistake. Was Sam supposed to be quadruplets? Sam also has an idea for a gymnasium show.   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth   Mutiny Coffee: [e-mail]

So, Becker, your hair is a point of conversation so far. Yes, Dr. T complimented my haircut and I said, yes, I went and got it cut by a diff shit and then came home and had to immediately cut it myself. Is there one barber in your town? There's only one licensed barber in our town. Oh, God. You need a license to cut hair in Trinidad?

Yeah. Everywhere. Everywhere. That's the whole second amendment thing, gun thing, where it's like, yeah, you need a license for most things but not to get a gun or whatever. Yeah. What? I've never been to a licensed barber before.

I only go to outlaw barbers. Yeah, clearly. Look at your fucking head right now Yeah, yeah was bad over the week It's good. It looks a little wonk. It's fun. Hey this house The house is gonna take the rest of that hair The house is hungry for hair Oh but yeah, and I I said that you went to him again because

Jake's been to this guy before and he and he biffed it. Oh, he biffs it every time I that's not fair one time out of probably Why do you keep going then? Haircuts cuz I still let my friend Chelsea cut my hair all the time and she fucks it up almost every single time Yeah, cuz her hands are she doesn't she hasn't had a drink He like gets so sad when he sees me with a haircut that he didn't give me Like he gets it's not even that he's mad. He's out 30 bucks It's like a genuine insult to him and he only lives here for another week and I have this shit going on

So in my head, I was like it can't be that bad here for another week and I have this shit going on. So in my head I was like, it can't be that bad. It's just going to be a wonky haircut. And then I got home and like legitimately, because you and I are having the same thing, you know that second actual patch of hair we had of Sam? Yeah, but you know what I'm talking about. No. Yes. He left that. It's Ireland. Ireland up front and then the rest of the UK in the back. I pulled it up. It was like here. He like set me up to do a Trump. I don't know what the fuck he thought was going on.

Well, so he left your little island very short and then he blasted you out back. Yeah. Like I took my, my trimmer set up and like found the guard that was the same length as my tuft and Then did the rest of my tough guard because he left it He left it just long as fuck and it was like wispy and not good because I haven't been taking care of it Well, it's been growing out. So it's all shit and He'd yeah the barber should know that you leave the tuft as long as possible So that people are blinded by it and they think my god look he has so much hair right up front

Surely he has the same amount all the way back through the middle of his head Yeah, no it was insane, and then all of this was long, and he didn't like shave my neck at all It was fucking insane Before I forget shout out Shannon Norman in Pittsburgh because Becker when he saw my haircut last week said it's the best haircut I've ever had dude. You look sharp as shit Becker said that yeah Yeah One looks so good. I would be you look at the cover of an electric wizard album right now well, I had to I had to rock the poncho because

Somebody on patreon is named Lund's poncho. So I figured I would you know Shout him out honor them It's true. You should tribute them Blast on the poncho What a weird thing I be Yeah, well the poncho looks great man. You look like you're some kind of like time-traveling sensei He looked like a cosmic guru who taps into the rhythms of different planets. Oh Yeah, yeah, I come from an ancient time

Okay Me and BL's above were whipping up spells and creating trees and Birds and whatnot and then I was like, hey you ever smoke some of this and I showed him some hashish And he was like, I don't know if we should and I was like, it's literally called the devil's lettuce. You know, you might as well partake. Speaking of like I'm Mormon and I was like, come on, man, why don't you play the electric slide? You know, you're like, Hey, no one's Mormon underneath this poncho.

Get in here. But yeah, one to shout out Lund's poncho. Wanted to not shout out Becker's barber. He's about to be Denver's problem. I like the guy, but I- Becker, you said he only has a week left. What's that mean? You're going to take him out?

No, he's moving back to Denver, so then I don't have to worry about offending him by getting a haircut from Suzanne or anyone else that will do a better job despite not having gone to school for it Yeah, literally Susanna could cut your hair and do a better job and she's not allowed to use real scissors. Yeah Yeah, that'll be nice I have never gone to him because Becker went to him early and said he doesn't know what to do with curly hair And I've encountered that before and it sucks So yeah avoided him need to go to a black barber London I would I would see him a lot at mutiny and we would talk wrestling

But yeah, he never like was like so when am I gonna get my hands on them things, you know? He left me alone, which was nice. I might have said something about going to Suzanne already or whatever like hey, I pledged allegiance, you know, I already I was already turned I'm the familiar for Suzanne so I can't be a familiar Yeah, but your but your boss's wife touch your head That's a good move. Yeah, turn around and you say, hey, you need a little trim downtown and then you go down on her. Jesus Christ. Come on, man. What? You're all horny.

I never met these people. You've met them. I feel like I've known them for almost 20 years. Who cares? I didn't really know them well until Cam's wedding and then we all hung out and now here we are. Yeah, now you guys are in this weird grubble. I know I said that I wasn't gonna be the first to blast in your house, but I think I might've been the first

unless you guys banged. After we all went to bed Saturday. Emmy was so honored. Emmy was literally proud of you for not doing that. And now here we are. And you did it. I didn't do it the first two nights, so that's pretty cool. Oh, wow.

We should throw you a little parade next time you're in town. In the house where my niece plays. No, no, you can't do that. Tobias tried to do that same shit when I jacked it in his basement. He was like, my daughter had her eighth birthday party downstairs. And I was like, yeah, but it wasn't happening. It wasn't going on. It doesn't, you can't do that.

It's not the same thing. Wait, she wasn't in the house. In the bed? Little princess. Huh? Was it in the bed or the shower? Well, which would you rather it be? No, that's not, you know, we're not doing a choose your own adventure nut.

It was both. So it started in the bed and then you said, wow, this is going to be a big one. I better take it to where the pipes can get clogged. And you know that we have fucked up pipes. You know that we're having problems with our pipes. I didn't know that. And you don't have to worry about it because it wasn't in the shower. It was gonna be on the in the bathroom But then I didn't like the idea of one of you Needing to use the bathroom and then either coming up to the door or you're coming out door

So that could have been awkward so I went but I went in the bedroom I Took care of it, and you know it was a close call One of the only reasons I did it is because the night before I almost had a wet dream which would have been an even worse Mass for you to clean up Becker Becker guess who the subject of Lund's wet dream was At an average one wet a Marilyn Manson girl No, then yes, I want I want one clue. Yeah a This person was on Saturday Night Live That's right Gilda Radner

No, it would have been appropriate. She's from Michigan Yeah, maybe her ghost came and crawled up into your into your vast deference and said I don't know any Gildner Adner quotes or else I would have said one there and it would have been funny. Sorry never mind Oh, yeah, when you nutted, did you say Jane you ignorant bitch? She's not a punchline like like can it Jane you slut wasn't in that past comedy back then it was Dan Aykroyd saying Jane you ignorant slut and he says that because it was supposed to be some type of like Just political discussion between the two over battle of the sexes. And so she I think Jane Curtin went first and had like a thought-out Position or opening statement or something and then that was his response So, you know is the context as opposed to just a line on its own

Okay, yeah, it was all I mean. I like the line. It's just out of context. I like that kind of stuff oh Repeat bit yeah, yeah, they kept milking it because it was so rich for comedic Territory just calling a woman a bitch okay, Becker. It was not like one of the original cast members of SNL. Okay more recent Wig everybody but everybody knows who she is. What? Yes, you wig you wigged out over wig Yes, she made me man. I mean it was my dream. But yeah, we talked about her for like one We briefly talked about her I think on the drive home or maybe to the club that day. And the conversation wasn't people who make us horny enough to nut in our sleep. So have you seen Palm Springs?

That didn't prime the pump for you. Or no, what's it called? Yeah. Her new show, Palm Something. No. No. Palm Sunday? She's hot as fuck.

She's hot as a Palm Sunday in my house. No, she played as like a con lady taking over a beach town. Did you use your egg? Did you employ a tool? No, I didn't bring my egg. Oh, but yeah, so that factored in. I had a sexual dream where I was at some get together, likeogether like house party or like hey we're all gonna like watch this you know screening of them for whatever reason there's a

bunch of people in a room there's a couch I'm sitting on the couch Chris and wig sits on the couch and almost immediately pulls my pants off and she's like whoa he gets on top of me we're're having sex. It was nuts wig She said she kept saying not a traditional frame to what you're attracted to No, no Wig the twig as they called her in eighth grade. I'm sure they were merciless Hmm. Yeah Somehow I didn't I didn't blast in the bed and that was good.

But yeah, the next night, I'm human. Oh, this was after you went to bed? It wasn't in the morning? You didn't wake up corked? Right, no, no. This was a wind down whack. Yeah, wanted to be able to get some sleep. Slept for like three hours.

I almost died on the drive home. What else is new? Okay, no. Wanted to be able to get some sleep slept for like no hours. I almost died on the drive home So that's new, okay, no This was crazy because I needed to get gas and I knew the stop I wanted to stop at and I got over behind these cars and I was like Oh shit Uh, I just got flashed from somebody behind me, what the hell, and that flash behind me distracted me from the fact that everyone in front of me was doing like literally 25 miles an hour.

There was a semi. And you were going 96, as is you want. There was a semi without a fucking trailer on it. Doesn't make any sense that it would have to go down to 25, but it did. Yeah, blame everyone else. Almost died because of it. Because of him.

You're never at fault huh? It's Wig's fault that you had to pop the seal in my house before anyone else. It's the lack of a... lack of a trailer on the truck in front of you. I mean you're just... Lack of a sense of urgency from this guy. He was off the clock so he was going real slow like you will not be held accountable speed limits 75 Well, no partially partially my fault that I didn't realize how slow they were going and I could have gone around them

Actually, I was trying to be safer by not zipping around them I tried to slow down and get over to exit but you're going one part You were also driving 96 while trying to craft your I'm with her tweet to say that you were in favor of Kamala being president and I think oh Yeah, no, I missed I missed all of that cuz I drove home and then almost immediately went to sleep. I was so tired So I missed all of that till last night Dude me and Emily woke up at 1 30 on Sunday and she was like, well, Lund didn't break the seal. We should.

So we had a ceremonial breaking of the seal and we thought, man, we're the first people to spill any seed in this house. And then no, it was all for nothing. I wasted that. I wasted my essence on nothing. Well, if anything, I'm glad that you thought that you were the first because I'm sure it was beautiful. Also, who cares? It's not like the house is covered in jizz. It's not like the Zillow price went down as soon as I left.

They were going to open the school. Yeah, I hung out outside for my Uber and Word got around. So yeah, the school is being bulldozed and your house is not livable. You have to vacate because I vacated. We thought the asbestos pipe was the worst part, but no, it was your pipe. Well, I want to say this this I have some breaking news from this weekend. Not only is Andy Williams from Every Time I Die a big fan of your boy but guess who came to the Late Show on Saturday Becker? Uh...

Kristen Wiig. Yeah, so Lund had to go hand pinata after that. Where were the shows on Saturday? Lund was there too? Yes, they were in Royal Oak, Michigan, which is north of Detroit. Jack White? Who would come? No, no, that'd be very cool. That's a great guess. That's coming. That's in my my six-month plan to befriend Jack White But no, this is another Detroit music legend

No, Kid Rock? No, no, no, he's in Nashville now. He turned his back on this place. Oh Fuck who else would have? Detroit. Alice Cooper? Let's just say that he wasn't clowning around on this night. What? I don't know which one's which or if they're both from Detroit, but you had one of the ICP boys there? But you had one of the die CP boys there violent Jay himself came without me face paint on and

Freaked me out when I got off stage at the late show cuz he was yeah he was right there, huh, he was right behind the stage with the with his lady and his brother and He did not have his face paint on and that was scarier than any clown I've ever seen a clown without without face paint? That'll really shake ya. He has a bunch of face tattoos under there. Small face tattoos. Oh wow. Yeah.

And the bleached hair. Yep. Damn. And not only was he there, but guess who I've been texting all afternoon? That's right. The same guy I just talked about. Yeah, Violent J. Violent J. Violent J.

Violent J wants me to go on the road with him and give him tips on his storytelling show and also sit on stage in a big, quote, pimp chair as he's telling his stories with a second microphone so I can then weigh in and help him flush out the stories live on stage. Very interesting. So I can then weigh in and help him flush out the stories live on stage Yeah, I don't I don't know what to do as much as I don't do that well come ont Cabana's doing it. He's on stage? Yes. Colt Cabana's doing the role that I would be doing right now where he just sits up there

and like riffs with him when he gets lost in his stories. So I think I might be the clown whisperer for a couple dates coming up in the fall. Yeah, a couple dates would be fun. No, I think I'm going to cancel all my weekends and just go out and open for violent shit. No. I get my own face paint. I get my own trademark face paint and then my face won't be able to be detected by facial recognition software.

Get the Gacy paint. Go Pogo. Go Pogo. I think it was Pongo. That shit was terrifying. He was pogo pogo Pogo, yeah Okay. Well, yeah, maybe I'll go go to clown Hey, how the hell are you now before I go out there and start doing the tickling or whatever the hell I need

$250. Thanks In non sequential bills, please don't put the die back in there. I'm already all Molly died up I already got my face painted. I don't want it to pop again Yeah, so I think that me and violent J are best friends though, and he's my boss I think there I'm his boss because he says that I'm a true player. Oh, what did he say that? I got I got balls and grit Hmm. That's true. Did he say you have gritty balls? I don't shower very much.

Yeah. After going to the beach. Yeah. I was sitting in a sandbox with Susanna when he called. So yes, he was correct. I tried to, I walked by, because I knew you were almost done on stage. I walked by to say hello before going to the merch table and he couldn't have been less interested. And I thought that you had talked to him about the gathering. So I was

like, Hey, nice to meet you, man. I guess maybe, uh, you know, me and Sam will see at the gathering next year. Huh? And he was like, Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, sure. I was like, yeah, our buddy Mitch is a, hopefully he can come with us. He's a big fan, you know I'd be awesome It's like trying to think of what to say to you. He's like nervous. Yeah, I was like, oh, yeah I guess I'll go fuck myself then over by the merch table You got no sold by a wicked clown. Well, he isn't saying I mean, let's be honest It's right there in the name. So he heard my joke about schizophrenia and he was like, yeah, it's not just an act. I'm literally insane

He couldn't tell if you were real Yeah, well, I touched him. I pressed his flesh. So I would say we're both pretty fucking real. But hey, well, yeah We're all going to the gathering next year boys Well, yeah. We're all going to the gathering next year, boys. Yeah, we should probably go. It's the 25 year anniversary. Me, Lund, Becker, Mitch, Emily. Emily can be dumped the whole time and you guys aren't allowed to look at her.

We get horse blinders. You guys have to have blindfolds on the whole time and then just walk with your hands on my shoulders. That's what you have to do. Blind conga. Yes. All right. Okay.

It did sound fun. It did come. It did come. Creech can dump too. Oh, I don't know that she would want to go to the gathering of the juggalos. She'd love the gathering. Yeah, I like the idea of going and being able to see all of what takes place. Because I know the main thing is just a lot of drugs, a lot of partying, a lot of boofing.

Because it's like competitive partying. It's like who can put the most ketamine up their butt and then funnel acid or whatever. Can you guys hear all that rummaging going on? A hundred percent, yeah. It's just that I know she's doing important things so I didn't want to interrupt her. I just told her to cram it. I told her to sit and spin Potsy style.

Ralph mouth. Yeah, but I think we should go. I'll have my own face paint and you guys will have versions of my face paint because I'll have to be the pack leader because I'm friends with Jay now. But you know what we'll do? You guys can carry me on a chair. Oh, God. You know what I'm talking about?

Like when they would carry in like a Roman Caesar, you guys can carry me around on a chair. And then when I get off the chair, Mitch will have to be my human chair and I'll just sit on him. The step down. Yeah. This is me turning on you guys. So you have the gathering at the gathering of the jugalos. You're going to ascend.

I've been very nice. I've been very gracious. You know, I've shared everything that I have with you guys, but that ends next year at the gathering where you guys will be I don't know less than human. I guess not even not even less than human because you're not human Animals you'll be animals to me Were they at? That's better than worms. Skankfest? Jay was there Animals you'll be animals to me Where they have worms skank fest Jay was there

Okay, I vaguely kind of remember that I Call him Joe because he's my boy and he's in my phone is Joe and I have his number saved and I call him right now if I wanted to but I Will not you know? Some podcasters brag about hanging out with movie stars or you know famous athletes But me no no the closest I've come to the hand of show business is Violent J without his makeup on he'd even put his makeup on It makes sense right no we have it on if he wants to be in the back of a room

Somewhat unnoticed. I wonder if he's still got a bunch of shit from people. Oh Think about like James Brown. They had to throw a well, it wasn't a blanket it was a circus tent it there were ten over him and they took him out and It was tough to get him in the car because there was 35 other guys in there. But uh, you know, he got out Yeah in there, but he got out. Yeah. It was a hell of a weekend of shows, huh? We had a good time. You're telling me, brother. Met a lot of fans.

A lot of great people drove in, said hi. Yeah, we're lucky guys to have this army of, I don't want to say nitwits because they're not stupid, but they are dangerous, of dangerous goofs, I think. Yeah. I had a couple of people come and tell me how they were working. One guy said he worked in an industry where his whole job was to make people live forever. And then everyone tried to keep guessing where I lived. And that was nerve wracking. Yeah, yeah, a lot of.

So where you at now, huh? The East Side. Yeah. lot of so where you at now huh the east side oh yeah yeah one guy kind of gave up is like oh okay okay it's like well yeah dude why don't you uh shove it sit on it yeah hey I mean I'm not gonna tell you okay so get over it next thing you know you got a bunch of people hanging out in that school playground. Yeah, let's keep mentioning the school playground. The other one that said it was going to reopen. I didn't mention anything about a playground there, slap nuts.

That is strike one for you, animal. Me jacking it was strike one, so this is strike two. I can't believe you. How about that? You choked your own stroke in my home. Emmy's gonna be bummed out. She was so proud of you for not giving into your, well I should have known because you're an animal and these are the instincts that you have. So I guess I'm gonna be mad at you. I wish I could have been in there to rub your face in it though. That would have been great. It would have been hot. I mean there wasn't a pile of it somewhere Pile A little pyramid

By the way Becker I have one gig internet speed so I'm not the problem anymore and I'm using a new laptop one gig internet speed so I'm not the problem anymore and I'm using a new laptop. Nice. I think I'm the only problem right now but my internet was going in and out all day and I'm just thanking God it's working. No one's a problem too. He committed the desperate lonely act really pretty much next to my sleeping head. He probably did it standing in the hall with his pants on, just not off, but down around his ankles. And he scooted around.

He said, I'm the bad koala, I'm the bad koala. I could have had the porn up full volume and you wouldn't have heard shit because there's that whatever the hell. Exhaust fan, something industrial is in the upstairs to drown out anything and everything everything there could be a war going on outside and you wouldn't know. Yeah it's the best it's just a really expensive white noise machine we had installed. It doesn't actually move any air it just sounds like

it is. This house man, this is gonna be my final resting place Do you have a pipe that has to be replaced? Oh, dude, remember that fucking we had a roto-rooter guy come over when we left On Saturday. Yeah, and I didn't see him. I didn't get to see well. You said he was a specimen. I Saw the two guys who were normal Kevin and Sam they were just guys and then the other guy Just a guy kind of looked like Bobby. That was fun and Sam, they were just guys. And then the other guy, just a guy, kind of looked like Bobby, that was fun. But then yeah, you got your eyes on the real prize. Oh yeah, no. He should, I don't know, probably, he should, I didn't want to leave him alone with my wife. Let's put it that way. I'm glad Sam was in the house because he could have done anything he wanted to her. He was probably 6'10", I don't know, 350, just huge, big white guy, a lurch type, you

know? In the basement? In the basement, yes, which is more soundproof. He was banging his head on pipes? Yeah, and shoot through his bestest pipe with his hands. But I guess he went to like snake something and he created so much power that there's a valve in our backyard and the valve blew off and shattered three of the panes in our greenhouse.

What? Yeah, did you hear about this? No. Yeah, he blasted our greenhouse and he shattered three panes and then he was like, oh, those are easy to fix. Meanwhile, there's just shards of granular glass all throughout our yard now. And he was like, I'll knock a couple hundred bucks off. And Emily was like, absolutely not.

So now it's a Roto-Rooter versus talent going to the Supreme Court all the way up. Oh my god. Yeah. I mean, dude, he couldn't have stood up in the greenhouse is how big he was. And I think that's why he was so upset. So he tried to destroy something beautiful. Everywhere I go, I'm not welcome. Everywhere I stand, I have to either bonk or duck

Yeah, there's options bonk or duck But he does a lot of bonking bonk or shatter destroy Tara Sunder I'm glad you didn't sit on the couch because I'm sure it would have been streaked when he was done He would have been like, uh, that's not what you think it is. I actually sat in a chocolate cake earlier. So nice try. Jokes on you. Yeah.

There's a lot of, a lot of positive comments for ask Dr. T. That's good. She was nervous. T. That's good. She was nervous. Yeah. And one person I think said something like, the couch looks great, which I would imagine was pointed. Well, we got to win this thing. We can't sell.

We have to hold. We cannot get out of this couch position we're in because it's perfect. Becker, you can come come over you can cross your legs You can rip this new puff co brand device that I've been afraid to turn on because I don't want to just wig completely I don't want to go full Kristen and now So yeah, talk about I've all my dick is She say you had a great piece Yeah my dick is. Oh yeah, didn't she say you had a great piece? Yeah. Ask your improviser.

It was also funny because in my dreams usually I'm the one that initiates. You grab, you hold them down. And so it was funny for her to be like, hey, give me those pants. Were pants Were they your were they your Walmart brand maternity pants No, I don't know what pants. I was wearing dog I was about to fuck Kristen Wiig so I had bigger fish to fry did she do target lady voice the whole time There's your your dork is so Borg It's the whole thing. Oh, your kark is so harg. What did she say?

Why don't you go ahead and sharve me, Parsi? I'm corming. I'm corming. I'm corming What'd she say when the card went through oh it's accepted I don't remember half an almond I'm corming So bad that was like one of their flagship sketches you're just a lady who sounds like she had a stroke. There's been so many characters, yeah, if they mispronounce stuff, yeah, they're around for like four years. Oh, Northin.

Just singing stuff weird. Give me your horg. Yeah, dude. Go ahead and garp me out there, Bored. I'm not even doing it now. Yeah, no, I was surprised. I'm surprised too. But she is flat as a board. I'm glad everyone liked Dr. T's episode last night because yesterday I spent 26 hours editing.

Here we go. It was just nuts. I still feel cuckoo from it. This is like tonic. This is the lemon parade for Becker right here. No, it's fine. Becker had to work very hard because Lund wanted to stick it to him. So he sent him a 4K film file.

Is that right? Yeah, they were all 4K ultra videos. Which also doesn't make sense because it was so quick sending it from Sam's, I guess, because he's got that new shiny One gig but it was quick. Yeah the download the uploads not bad. It's when it gets like checked or rendered Yeah, and also Becker is going to the library and they don't really have Adobe there for him. So it's not easy It's like can you quit smoking in here? Mr. Becker? Bitch, I keep this town on the map.

Flicks one of his cigs at her. Eat it pig. Uh, the poncho was a mistake, I'm hot though. Take it off. Take it off man. I don't have anything underneath. People, please take it off, just maintain your frame. It would really excite me to know you were podcasting completely nude.

I just don't have a shirt on. Oh, who cares then? People love your body. They saw enough. Well, and I don't want YouTube to flag my nips or whatever. We're deep enough. Isn't this a Patreon? Isn't this a Patreon? This should probably be the free one because you're going to get two this weekend but I won't have internet again until Tuesday. Okay. Well, yeah, we should do an ad read then, right? I love doing ad reads.

Yeah. Got it pulled up. You know, when I got into standup comedy, it wasn't because I wanted to make people laugh or because I thought I had something to say. It was because I knew when I was 37, I would be doing ad reads for I don't know what bullshit company we're talking about right here, but I was always like, God, I can't wait to do ad reads. And for the money that we paid on these ad reads, I can pay a fifth of my mortgage. So let's get them going here we go everyone what is it Becker what do I what I have to pretend like I love hold on I just saw a commercial

for Popeyes I think and it's Post Malone in like a doing little nicky having a sleepover with somebody and he says something stupid about like how he can't believe it's almost time for Popeyes or something and it was just like dude I couldn't imagine I mean, I'm a quick talk about post Malone because we know how celebrities worm their way into your dreams So I'm about to do it I'm about to do a lighthouse rap or whatever, but still I'm not post Malone if I were post Malone I don't think I would get in Popeyes jammies and talk about how I'm excited for like Popeye's Christmas or whatever the fuck You wouldn't go and spend an hour of your life making

$350,000 He has so much money like just don't just do whatever something else I also distinctly get the impression that Post Malone is at least half spy Yeah Also distinctly get the impression that Post Malone is at least half spy Yeah Yeah, a little bit every time he does an interview He's got like a nine-year-old's exuberance for everything that seems suspect Yeah, he loves magic cards and Mountain Dew and smoking Yeah, yeah. All right. So yeah, he he can't get enough

We go back get that money before you forget where the fork goes and put it in I mean you're doing a Ranch style rap for significantly less money. I said that two seconds ago. I know said I Need the money I come from nothing. So I need the money. Yeah, we come from nothing Becker No, just me you were born The the son of two poet laureates or whatever your dad was a rockin and gun Bus driver in Chicago in the 70s. That was like the best job you could have no no He drove a truck for McKesson drug. I don't think he was in a union and your mom was tinkerbell So, you know

Let's get real here Let me your mom gave birth to you and survived I wasn't this big then I was normal when I came out Mine is nurture. Yours was nature. You came out with frosted tips. You came out wrong. I came out sideways. You were supposed to be quadruplets and you ate three. It's one thing to absorb one twin, to absorb one sibling. You absorbed three. So green. The way that I exited my mom's uterine canal actually inspired the film Sharknado. You did not go natural.

You were a C-section and they had to cut her from cunt to throat. That was an A, B, C, D, E, F section, man. They barely were able to put her back together. They had to take everything out. They had to take her ribs out so she could suck her own dick. You know, with big wireless providers, what you see is never what you get. That's so true.

I never see the 5G, although I think I can feel it in my body. Yeah, when you have a headache, that's 5G. But you know, these big wireless providers, they're always magically jacking off the price, leaving you wondering what happened. Oh wait, jacking up the price. I was jacking off the price.

Freudian slip. But yeah, you're like, what the hell, man? Wait, hold on. Are we reading for AT&T? Who the hell is this? Mint Mobile. Just shut up. Oh, I love Mint Mobile.

Yeah, because they're not like the big wireless providers. With Mint Mobile, when they say plans are $15 a month, they actually mean it. Wow, that's so big of them. It's crazy. All of their three-month plans are only $15 a month, even their unlimited plan. All plans come with high-speed data and unlimited unlimited talk and text all on the nation's largest 5G network. Lund, you should join Mint Mobile since you don't ever have data, since you have like

three megabytes of data you're allowed per month. Yeah, it's a pretty sweet deal. Hey, Becker. I think I may make the switch. Becker, here's my impression of Lund. You be the comedy club owner and come into the green room and introduce yourself to us. Hey boys, nice to meet you. Hell of a pleasure to meet you.

Zam Dalin here. How's it going? Wi-Fi. Wi-Fi password. Please. I need to know what Jake Flores has to say about Kamala. Please. Wi-Fi password, please. I need to know what Jake Flores has to say about Kamala. Please, Wi-Fi. You won't have that problem with Mint Mobile.

Yeah, I should probably get it. They were supposed to give you a phone, but you're like, no, no. I pay for all 17 members of my family. It's $570 a minute. Yeah. We got a good family plan going. I am too generous. Good luck with your Switch, but yeah, maybe get,

maybe get Mint Mobile. You get to keep your same phone, your same number, and all of your existing contacts. Whoa, they don't take them away? Your contacts like Violin J and Ben Shapiro. You can keep all of them. I don't have Ben's number. You have Ted Nugent's number,

cause you're the new Detroit City madman. Dude, I wish. God. Come over and play stranglehold as I bang my old lady. That would be sick. Nugent on the roof just blasting cat scratch fever as I'm in there trying to undo what Lunn did at, I don't know, 4 a.m. on Sunday morning. That's right

But to get this new customer offer and your new three-month premium wireless plan for just 15 bucks a month Go to mint mobile comm slash chubby. That's mint mobile comm slash chubby Cut your wireless bill to 15 bucks a month at mint mobile comm slash chubby $45 upfront payment required equivalent of $15 a month, new customers on first three-month plan only, speed slower above 40 gigabytes on unlimited plan, additional taxes, fees and that sucked. So moving over to Mint Mobile is great because now I can text people more and that's good. I love texting people all day every day.

Oh yeah, I love texts. Oh, you were being facetious. I hate texting. Yeah. You like to call? You just want to be left alone. Look, when I talk to my close friends, yeah, I give them a call. When I call Violent J, when I call, you know, Judge Wapner.

When I hit up the- Rick Mahorn. Yeah, Rick Mahorn. God, Rick won't leave me alone. It's like, Rick, I can't lend you any money, buddy. You shouldn't have pawned your rings. Yeah, Mint's the one for me. Mint's the official mobile plan of Detroit. Is that right?

Mm-hmm. Big Ryan Reynolds town. Oh yeah, Ryan Reynolds bought most of Detroit in the early 2000s. Gotcha. He used his two guys a girl and a pizza place money. bought most of Detroit in the early 2000s. Gotcha. With that just friend. He used his two guys, a girl and a pizza place money. Whoa. He bought a big swass of downtown.

Big swass of downtown. Yeah, that's why there's so many swass in downtown Detroit. I had a very funny Uber driver. She was cracking me up. She was good. What was her deal? We had fun. Was she a Mint Mobile user? Her She was cracking me up. She was good. What was her deal? Was she a Mint mobile user?

Her name was Sean T. And she said she's never flown Frontier. She flies Spirit or Delta. She goes down to Atlanta a lot. She's what we call a Mint chocolate chip. She didn't say a bunch of like particular funny things. Oh yeah, take a victory lap. Cause when you heard mint, you thought of ice cream.

Get him his Mark Twain award now. So sorry, so Sean Terrell. You're immediately jealous because I say somebody else is funny. You don't care that it's an Uber driver. Yeah, I'm pissed. You just are immediately defensive. Same as when Brad Wensel and I talked for like eight seconds without you at the Eastern Market.

You did not like that either. Oh, I didn't care. I didn't care at all. I'm glad you guys had someone to talk to about childish pursuits as I was trying to find the best cucumber. I got this badass honey dude. I've just been scooping that honey out with my bare hands it's been awesome. Jesus. Yeah. That's gonna ruin the house more than a one jack. One little jack off. I think it's a similar probably amount of viscous fluid. It's a big pot of honey. No. You're getting that honey all over the walls. Mine was confined to some toilet paper and then flushed. No, but we did have some issues with the walls today because Susanna kept putting a bunch of tape on the walls

that she would rip off some tape and then she would tell me to eat a pillow. So I pretend to eat a pillow, put it under my shirt, and then she proceeded to just tape my mouth and my eyes and my ears shut. And then she would be like, Emily, he ate the pillow. So Emily would come in and do surgery and that was mostly an excuse for Susanna to rip tape off of all of my face as hard as she could over and over again. So she's a wicked clown.

Was she just running into all the boxes and stuff? No, dude. I did work in here here bro, there's very few boxes left I've been unpacking non-stop all day yesterday and today. Oh Good. Yeah, so hopefully when we come home, it's not just oh good. Our house is still unmoved into No, I want to come home after this trip to Europe and be like, hey, that's my local watering hole. Hey, I'm going to go play pool down at Zippy's. You know, I want to feel like a neighborhood guy. It's a cute neighborhood. There's some cool stuff. Add some great bread. We got to go pontoon. I did not get to see Susu. I got to see a lot of the fam though. And I got to meet Sean,

got to talk to him about his I think you should leave rankings. He says he's going to revisit and I think I may try to do I might try to do a tiered ranking like the kids are doing now you know where there's S tier and then A through F. Yeah, because I don't know that I want to get into the minutiae of one versus two versus So we'll see you should do it live on the discord You should have like a lun tiered ranking segment where you go on there once a week and rank things mmm Yeah, I definitely want to do more stuff. I should probably do that

Well, you've got the next couple weeks off man. You got produce a bunch of content, stay relevant, stay in the zeitgeist. Mmhmm. I'm gonna fade. I'm gonna slip through the cracks. No, stay with us. Shadow, ghost shadow. You and Becker can start doing your guys' own thing. What were you telling me Becker?

You wanna do your own thing with Lund? Yeah. What was it again? I'm high all the time. Oh yeah. You said that you wanted to rank Ottomans with him, like footrest call. You want to do the Ottoman Empire podcast. That actually sounds fun. Shut up. No it doesn't. Hey, you gotta put your feet up. We could be sponsored. We could be sponsored by Ottoman companies. That'd be like a 10 minute podcast, like one of Gourley's jobs, like mall walk-in, where it's just you and me showing a picture of a thing and being like, very nice, see you

next week. I've always said Lund is a Gourley-esque kind of guy, just because he looks like a guy who'd be named Gourley. Yeah, I look more like a Gourley than him. Yeah. Remember Todd Gurley? Oh, who could forget? Hell of a running back.

I think I had him on my fantasy team when he blew up. That was a fun year. Dude, I haven't played NCA yet and it's driving me insane. I'm not going to be able to play it forever because I have to write another novel. It's like, come on, just let me game. Why don't you pay me to game, Random House? Suck it. Oh yeah, we had someone say,

I think I was one of the people that Sam made fun of in line, because I forgot to buy a poster. And I'm like, yeah, dude, there was one thing for sale and you forgot to buy it. So yeah, I would say maybe you were one of the people that whiffed it, but it is, I mean, you're at that level, I guess, where people get nervous to meet you. They shouldn't be nervous.

I'm just a man. I know, it's crazy. I'm a flawed man. I'm a child of God just like you. I flipped a kid out today when I went to get coffee from that spotland where we went with all the baked goods Antares Antares coffee and biscuits. Yes Antares I got out of the car and this kid just stands up at his little table in front of the cafe and goes Sam and I was like

Yes, I'm like not not even out of the car yet. Then he comes and he meets me in the middle of the street. Dude, hey, what's up? It was very bizarre. He gets hit by a car. Yeah. I mean, he was a bit of a dog. Actually, a bicycle passed by and he chased it Yeah

He knew about us because Nick Rochefort did our podcast and he's a big Sam Hyde Rochefort guy Yeah, those guys aren't ass earning at all. So I'm sure you were nice and calm Was very nice to him Yeah, I'm sure you gave him 20 bucks. I also gave him 20 bucks and I gave him my license plate because now I can't use those license plates anymore since he knows them. So yeah.

You signed them? I did. I signed them. Here you go buddy. I bit into them. I was like, argh, argh. They call me the shark. Call me the shark.

And then I swam into the shop. You made fun of me because there was one time after a full weekend of trying to help you with the posters and God forbid, part of trying to speed it up was determining whether they wanted me to sign it or not. And sometimes I could not tell if they knew me or not because they were excited to meet you and then there were a few times where after the fact they were like, I love the pod. And it's like, Oh, well, I can sign that the poster as well. If you want.

There was one time where I accidentally after this, I said, do you want me to sign this poster as well? The woman said yes. And I said, Oh, thanks. And you of course you heard it. You ignored I tried to get your attention so many times when you're just like in in fucking meat mode and this one time Of course you hear me accidentally say thank you instead of sure thing or of course It wasn't it didn't say. Oh, thanks you went

Thank you I wasn't you know I wasn't Thank you. It's very solemn. I wasn't, no, I wasn't thinking. No, it wasn't. It was. I remember it, dude. You don't know what you're talking about.

The tone. You're autistic. You don't, you can't tell people's tones. You always think Emily's happy with you when she's pissed. You can't understand facial expressions. No, I accidentally said thank you instead of anything else you went while I signed it Thank you, of course your ears perked up Yeah, I heard it all you're ready awesome can

Clap back and then you did your weird signature which looks like Japanese characters, which I really like No Yeah, I gotta learn your sig Looks like a normal sig nature Becker's having a normal sig right now. What is that a 300 Becker? 99 Becker what are you gonna do in Italy smoking is just outlawed What?

They outlawed smoking in Italy You're fucking with me No, no, that's. I figured you would know about this. Yeah, you can't smoke in Italy now. Wait, really? They're still like allowing their politicians to whore and I can't, I can't smoke. Yeah, you can't smoke anywhere where people can see you smoke and you can't smoke in businesses anymore. That's insane. I'll have to get a vape.

Yeah, vaping is actually even more illegal. Okay. Yeah, no, I'm clearly lying, Becker. It's Italy. They love smoking. Yeah, you scared the... Italy, aka filthy France, as they call it. Yeah, of course you could smoke.

They have spittoons. When people get married, there's a spittoon they call it. Yeah, of course you could smoke they have split tunes When people get married, there's a spittoon between the bride and the groom. They're disgusted Yeah, but we were just in Japan who famously loves cigarettes more than air and they had started to ban cigarettes Yeah, I know but those people are tricky. They're gonna get by they'll be fine They just don't want you to smoke in those parts where everybody's coming and going, and that was where you smoked the most, Becker. That's not where I smoked the most. Your favorite place to smoke is at the top of an escalator.

You told me that. Toilet. Toilet's toilets the best smoke Hands down. Yeah, I don't know what she's doing in there. She's banging around you guys here Yeah, it sounds like she's angrily cooking you dinner No, no, no dinner has been taken care of by the Thai community. It's late over there Is it is it 11 or midnight? Yeah, it's almost about it's almost 11, man But here we are clocking in for the good people out there in the world We got a lot of assistant DA's who listen to this before they go to trial

There's a lot of you a lot of cardiologists who have this in when they're in the operating floor, you know Are you going anywhere that you? Go ahead. What no my I heard that my president Kamala Harris is listening to this right now as she decides if she wants to just burn the White House down or You know, I heard that it might be a Harris Harris ticket Kamala and Eric That would sway a lot of Harris and Harris yeah Harris square Harris. Yeah. Harris. It's actually they got to get Kamala Harris, Kamala Harris, Whittles. They got to get Post Malone as the VP. They got to do something. Oh, yeah. They had whole code over there. These guys need this thing. So I'm glad that it's not Biden because he looked and sounded awful.

But now that it's maybe Kamala, I remember there was like a supercut of Kamala sounding like Biden, like not being very good at talking. So we could have more of the same, which is just somebody just blowing it, just not being able to like put like they're in line meeting you after a show. It was like, uh, honor. It would be if I president become it would, uh, it'll be hella tight. Uh, Matt and Shane, uh, war mode, war cabinet, war chest will help Israel.

It could be bad, dude, but I don, but I'm glad it's not fucking Biden. I mean, Harris was pretty exhausted. That's why she couldn't talk because not only was she VP, she was also Biden's nurse and she had to go in there and flip him over. He was in a coma for a while, so he was face down. She would have Forgot about that. Yeah wipe him. Yes indeed. That's right Becker. What else you got? What else do nurses do Becker? Come on You well, I think I think her job would mostly be wiping him if he was face down in a coma.

So back to the wiping thing. Maybe inserting a catheter, changing his bandages, making sure that the night light was on so he didn't have his terrors. Tucking his wig in on the pillow next to him. Liquifying his food. Stocking up on boba straws. I have a gnarly fart that I've been holding and I think I could rip it on this chair if I went pants down, but I'm also scared that it might be more, that the fart might have

friends so I'm not going to do it. Do it. I just want the listeners at home to know that I have something that they don't have, that they can't take from me. Chris in the room. Yeah, I could really, but I do, what I cannot have happen is I, well, Emmy hates when I do the bare ass on the chair thing as listeners know, but you know what would be even worse

is if I shit on the chair bare assed. That might be. This episode would have a million views. That might be the worst thing that I could do to her, honestly. Are you on the chair honestly. I am the chair You on the chair or you part of a part of the couch. I'm on the chair Okay, I'm gonna hide that hard dining chair You can't mess the couch like the rota-rooter guy or else

It'll be too easy for her to win and for you to get rid of the couch Well, we're not gonna need the rota-ro router guy if I do what I think I might do. We're going to have a new bathroom. You're going to finish the greenhouse off. Yeah, I've been, uh, I've been doing, I've been doing vegan things. So there's just a whole payload. There's an F three 50 coming down the shoot. And I feel like I could, I could like sneak one of his buddies out without welcoming the whole party in.

I am afraid that if you mess with one clown you mess with the whole car. I don't want to make I don't want to do reverse face paint on my butt. I'm gonna hold on to this one but it's really in there. I wish I was brave. I only got a few more minutes. See if I was single I'd be fucking farting on every chair I could find but you know I got the old ball and chain. Can't go bare-ass in on the hardwood. You know I'd like to do one time is I would like to rent out a gymnasium and I would like to pack the bleachers with people who paid and I'd like to come out exactly midnight and sit right in the middle, right there where they do the tip off and just see if I can

blast the loudest one ever. I'll come out, I will bow, I will pull down my shorts and squat and I will sit there and I will hopefully make everyone's eardrums pop because I think you could really or you know what? You know what would be better? If I rented out an Olympic sized swimming pool and I emptied it of water and I sat in the middle of that I was it for a little bit. Yes I was gonna say you could have a tub in the gymnasium, but Yeah, you'd want a big pool to really mess with the Acoustics, you know that like, you know how they have the quietest room in the world where sound doesn't carry

it'll drive like fire gun off and it sounds like someone just went, I would like to get in the loudest room in the world and rip just a Skyline Chili gargler in there. Wait, isn't there some like, they keep track of how long people can stand being in that quietest room because you can like hear your own blood and stuff so it can like fuck with you. Oh, I would hate that. I think that's right. I don't want to hear what's going on there. How thick it is, how viscous it is.

Pass. I want to go in the loudest room and just rip fucking nothing but cabbage for a week screamers. See how long people could last in there with me. You'd have to have like shooting range earmuffs on to withstand what I have. And if I was allowed to bring in, here's what I need. If I could have a metal box with holes cut in the side and then I just sit on the metal box with my pants down and Blow one. I think that I could

Maybe tear someone's knee cartilage out of the very least I'm just saying I'll I'm trapped by right now is not having access to this world's loudest room But as soon as I get my fucking MacArthur genius grant that's gonna be my pitch I'm gonna go to the MacArthur council and be like fellowship vaulted members of the awarding committee two words. Suck it. Are you are you going anywhere that you haven't been before in Europe? Yeah, yeah, I'm going to Bruges and Ghent and Northern Scotland with Tom Dustin the world's drunkest man and And Sicily so yeah, I'm going to a bunch of places. I haven't been I've never been salting Amsterdam before besides Brussels

Where's Ghent? Ghent is west of, we're going from Amsterdam to Ghent, which is west of Brussels, over to Bruges. I'm going to Bruges. Going to be in Bruges. Yeah, August 3rd. With a ragtag group of different, like rotating people, or is it this one crew? Well, I'm doing the Dublin Comedy Festival this weekend

with like Shane Torres and Ariel Elias. The line-up's real who's that because I don't know any Irish comics. And then I'm going up to Scotland in the castle with the Key West crew and then going from there to just me and Emily for a week in the Netherlands and Belgium and then coming to meet up with, I mean, we're not going to need the world's largest room after we eat all that Italian food in room, in Rome, Rome room. Room.

Yeah. And then me and Emily are going to be alone for a week. You pronounce it room. I can't believe we're here in room Italy. We're doing a show in Room Italy, August 17th everyone. So make sure you get tickets for that. It's the only, it's the first English comedy show ever in Room. And then also August 3rd to our Dutch listeners, I'll be in Amsterdam. Those tickets are on my website. Wilmington, North Carolina is coming up. Houston, Texas.

What else do we got? Look for me on the road opening for Violent J. 20 years in the business. I'm opening for A Clown Without Makeup. No, he's the man. I would gladly do those shows and join the Patreon because hey, you got five bucks to lose when I give it to us Tell them about it Patreon.com slash chubby behemoth Four years we started a patreon almost right away when we started this pod because we knew people would want more wide world No, we knew people would want a little extra taste and so we stacked them And so if you haven't been over there yet man

you have a whole world over there just waiting for you characters and impressions and fights and Building each other up everything and more It's over there at patreon.com slash chubby behemoth get over there five dollars taste it Give me five dollars, please give me five dollars, and I'll do the chair trick for you That's gonna be this week's patreon is gonna be me in the bathtub alone one man pod I'm gonna be in that bathtub. It's gonna be full of uncooked kidney beans, and I'm gonna eat it eat them all And as soon as they're gone, I'm going to unleash,

I'm going to reap what I sowed. So yeah, join the Patreon if you want to get Fart Tub. Real quick, are the Italy tickets available yet? I think so, but there's like a Facebook page for that. I'll find them, Becker. Becker, you don't have to buy a ticket. We'll get you in. Well, I know I can get in,

but when I did the plug yesterday to pull dates, I noticed it wasn't up there yet. So I just wanted to clarify that for people that were spazzing out because they couldn't find it online. I appreciate that, Becker. Yeah, I got to find that. Dude, the guy was like, this is the worst show. Don't do this show. Why would you do the the show I can't believe you're doing the show so I bet the room fits 30 so so excited for it me too can I has cheeseburger find out in Rome August 17th Arrivederci