Chubby Behemoth - Salmon Valley w/ Shane Torres

Episode Date: August 3, 2024

BONUS EPISODES: https://www.Patreon.com/chubbybehemoth   This week Sam is joined by Shane Torres! The boys discuss a dinner reservation, some fun Irish names, and moving to Europe. Sam tells Shane about his rough set, being told he’s a mans wonderwall, and . Shane goes full Lund, has opinions about packaged snacks, and received some cups. Sam stepped into it, then sat in it, and then rolled around it in. The fellas also discuss Irish terms they’ve learned.   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth   Mutiny Coffee: [e-mail]

Hey, so here we are. It's me, your Hirstute host Sam Talent, and I'm in Dublin with one of my old buddies over here. Nathan Lund. Yes, Lund and me are over here. Man, can you believe Ireland? It's crazy, right, Lund? It's the best.

Yeah, you're really coming alive over here. You're letting your beard grow out. I know, I was tired of, well if I'm being honest before, I didn't like the way I looked, but now I do. I understand, man, you looked terrible before. Yeah, I suck. You were 5'10", about 4'20", and now you look great. I'm just gonna give you some confessions.

Sure. I, Nathan Lund, through this whole podcast. Please, Nathan, yeah, no, please. So me and Lund are over here. I can eat solid food and still breastfeed. You know how, as we know about your mom, she has MS. That must be tough for her. My dear mother's MS, much sucking.

That's why your back's all bent. Yeah. You were latching so hard. Yeah. Classic Lund. They say the water of life is here in the green emerald isle. Oh yeah.

No, it's coming out of Margaret Lund. My lovely mother. Margie Lund. Margie, yeah. In Ireland she's Margie. Yeah, and your mom's from here. Yeah, which I've known you for about 15 years You never told me that one. Yeah. Well, I don't have to tell you everything Sam. What do I know about your mom? She's dead

That's pretty much the same Taurus's mom or dead. Yeah, but he won't shut up about it. It's like get over it Yeah, yeah, he's a fucking well if he was here, he'd probably be drinking himself to death or broken his sobriety. God Yeah, I mean luckily you're sober, Lund. Yeah. But that's Shane Torres. He's never shied away from a little bit of a tipple. Do you remember when we went to the steakhouse in New York? You, Shane Torres, David and myself?

Yes, of course, Lund. Yeah, and I had like five cherry cobs. There's Dr. Pepper's. It was Dr. Pepper's. Dr. Pepper's. And a $200 steak to wash them down. It was five Dr. Pepper's with a side of steak. Oh man, yeah that was fun to see just how much Dr. Pepper a man can enjoy when no one's watching but we were all watching Oh my god

that was a Maybe the funniest thing ever was when you asked. Hey, can we just add four people to our reservation? God, what was the stuff? I can't remember the steakhouse right? It's not Smith Smith and the Linsky. No, it's a chain restaurant. No The famous one. one yeah which it was literally men only until like two years ago and now it's a name it's a name too like it's a it's like a person's name too it's not isn't it isn't it like Sherman Elon's it's a it's a it's a crowd house yes they are loyal to the Kaiser still yeah because they had this like.

Gourmys? Gorms? Gorms? Gorms? Gorms? Am I helping? Gorms? It's the famous take out.

Come on down to Gorms. Yeah, get in here, we got Schlag. The Dr. Pepper's half off after five. Yeah, we walked in dude, it was me. Well this is Shane Torres, I love the bit. I wanted to see how long we were gonna do this. I bet it's easier for us to just Shane Torres. I love the bit. I wanted to see how long we were going to do this. I bet it's easier for us to just create naturally.

Me trying to not blow the bit by like breaking the fourth wall would be... Yeah, you doing the geometry on whose name to say is going to grow taxing. It's already getting confusing just talking about a dinner reservation. But yeah, we walk in dude and I had a reservation for four as requested by David Borey and it was for the four of us and then I walked in a very stern German woman. I was like, who's going to go tell her that we have four more people here? And everyone was like, you of course. So I being the hero and the leader that you guys all admire.

I walk up there. Well, well, well. Good leader. No, I was going to say, I was going to be like hero. No, leader. No. Well, I meant hero with G to be G. I was going to say, I was going to be like, hero? No. Leader? No. Well, I meant hero with G-Y-R-O. Yeah. You know, the thing you eat when you're...

You should have that at the stake. It would go perfect with my Dr. Pepper. Yeah, Lund could have dipped it into his DP. No chewing. What? It's like doing Frosties and fries. Yeah, who cares? But yeah, I had to walk up there and be told no. Well, not because of the issues was it was like,

Claire O'Kane, it was Stephen Fine Arts, it was the other guy, I don't remember his name, great guy. Zach Pugh. Zach Pugh. And I was like, okay, so the four of us are already six people, you know? Me, you, Borey, Lund. All we're missing is a center.

Oh yeah, not even a center. We just need like a one that can pass well, you know, a hustle one, and then we'll just like occupy the baseboards. We just clog the lane and get three point violations. No one leaves the ground. We'd be no 90s cowboys, but we would. No, no, we would be the 90s Cleveland Cavaliers. It would just be five Bill

Lambeers in there, elbowing and spitting and saying sir when they talk to the referee. Being called a gym rats. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A lot of hustle plays. Yeah. You know, not athletic but savvy. Yeah, yeah. Smart players. And David. That was one of my favorite burbets when he goes, why is something done, you know, like the argument made of when a black athlete does something versus a white athlete, you know that bit of his? Yeah, yeah. Once you go, you gotta,

you, so Lenny goes, you read a defense, no matter what color you are, intelligent move. Yeah. But if you jump over nine guys from the three point line, no one's like, why didn't I think of that? Yeah, I was an innovator. Well, I'm already, I'm asking it to be I'm asking for probably almost close to a ton of man to be seated at one of their small tables that were built for like you know oil barons and stuff. Yeah like

slight men of the Plainview build. Exactly yes, ascotted people. And then so she was like of course, so I had to come back and tell Claire to beat it. Well, what she came back and said was, you would have thought I asked her to make the moon closer. Oh yeah. I saw her run like the beautiful mind math in her head, you know, just came up, error, error.

It was not a lot of ones, it was a bunch of zeros. Shaped like us. Well, that's right, That was the humorous intent And then we sat down and we had the meal of our lifetime and I didn't miss anyone else No, I didn't either it was a really really good meal I love and it's why I've eaten there like five times and I can't think of the name of the fucking steak I'll just kill me and I don't want to look at my phone. Don't look at your phone. Yeah, I look ours now Gallagher twos

now. Gallagher twos? Black Gallagher. Black Angus Gallagher. Well there's a joke there with the watermelon and the black Gallagher. Yeah. But we don't do that kind of stuff on this podcast now that we're monetized. But imagine if we still did. You're monetized now huh? Yeah. Way to go. Yeah Soros just pumping the cash in. Yeah. We're trying. We're part of an active effort to mobilize and disenfranchise even further the marginalized whites of America. Well you're in the right place for, oh well of America. Well I guess they all are of Irish descent. Dude yeah the fucking round pink faces that come to the shows. Yeah. It's like, it's um Ariel and I were talking. Ariel the shows. Yeah. Yeah, it's very like. It's.

Ariel and I were talking. Ariel Elias. Yeah, she's here for the festival. Yes, and not on the pod, because this is still boys only. Thank God. Yeah, we don't have three mics or she could have sat here on both of our. I don't think they let them vote over here or pod. No, but they let them get abortions.

I know what's happening to this country. I don't know. I think the Queen should just say goodbye forever we were talking about the disparity of good looks between the the beautiful Irish and the more humble looking creatures yeah the ground types the to do. If you go to Ireland, man, you meet the loveliest creatures on God's green earth. But you go out to the beach and you see these battered old sea hags. So they're just calling them ugly women,

not even a joke. No, yeah, it's just they're bog witches. But they're cauldron tamers. Cauldron. Yeah. Well, it is crazy is crazy because the disparity between the guys is like fucking grand. Well I think that Ireland was founded by the Vikings right? Or didn't they come here and steal all the women and then come back with the babes? I don't know how it worked.

There's been like selective breeding here forever. And the men still are just you know. The ladies are still doing it. Oh god. The ladies have huge ones. I'm not having any sex over here. Well, you should be having sex, specifically with one person who was at one of the shows, who might have been the most beautiful woman I've seen in a long time. I couldn't tell. I was kind of... Well, we'll leave her anonymous. I don't know her name. I don't even know

if she had a face. There's like four Irish girls names. Yeah, there's Sarvin and Guarmbas. Mitra, which means like hollow boat. Seaworthy vessel. Yeah. Did you meet that woman last night wearing like the onesie without a bra? No. She was very cool. She had red hair. She had cool glasses. But her name was literally like Brogham. Did you meet Brogham? I have not met Brogham. Oh, dude, you'll meet Brogham. She was very funny.

I try to be Brogham all week. Bro, you need to go raw Brogham. Awesome name. I was like, excuse me? And she's like, it's Irish. And I was like, no shit. But did you say Brogham? And she went, oh, hey.

And I was like, OK. Let me and I was like, no shit, but did you say Brogham? And she went, oh, hey, and I was like, okay. But yeah. Let me give you a kiss on the cheek. Oh yeah, she was, but anyway, the names here are ridiculous. And then every man is in trouble. Some of them are very beautiful, and then some of them are like, I'm sorry, your name is Geroad.

Can we get one vowel in your name? Can you quit using whys? I just like, why does your name sound you quit using wise I just like why does your name sound like diarrhea hitting a dry toilet just a flat plump the Irish are fun man they're a blast I they're neck-and-neck with the Australians for funnest non-americans I really, I'm really charmed by them. I mean, obviously I have like, I have some heritage over here, so it's a little easier for me to like be favorable to them.

I'm gonna tell you this, it's not so obvious. All right, yeah, your swarthy skin and your piercing eyes and this like shipwreck beard that you have does not scream, my mom's from Ireland. I'm just gonna tell you, bro. But that girl is so, like she was talking to me My mom's from Ireland. I'm just gonna tell you, bro. But that girl was so, like, she was talking to me for so long that I was like, this is a joke, right? Like, she was so beautiful.

Are you Jamie Kennedy's sister? Yeah. Am I getting exed? No. But I couldn't believe it. I was like, but did it seem like she was interested in me? But like I kind of or she was just being a nice Irish girl and talking to it You know what I mean? Like they are very nice. Yeah, and they're all very approachable Yeah, and they do love to get kind of close. They're close speaking people

Yeah, why is everything is done in whispers here and they're very cold too. So they just want your warmth Yeah, that is true. They will come up and they'll get you right here. And you're like, my God. Whoa, hey. I fucking got it over here. Yeah, mm. Someone's looking for a green car. She can tell I'm Irish.

But yeah, she was statuesque. And also I do think that due to, she was- Skin like ivory. Oh yeah, dude. Just like a good piano with no black keys, you know? One you can't cheat on. Right? You ever heard that term?

No. Oh yeah, cause like, those are like the chords, I think, or the black ones. Yeah. So a lot of like classical piano players are like, we didn't have the black keys, no one could play but me. That kind of thing. It's a real pretentious thing.

That's like something Keith Jarrett or one of those kind of like jazz pianist players are like, you know, you ever listen to him? I'm one of the jizz pianists. Nice. Come on. Come on. Come.

Make them laugh. Same talent. Get where it's at. Yeah, Jumby Behemoth with the King of Hell. But I think that she was going on that, she was going on like a strange like spirit journey the next day. But I think it's mostly a pub crawl at this point. But yeah, it's a long walk through Spain called the

I wouldn't pub crawl through a mile of shit just to see where it came from No, that's mine Burning the lights, yeah, you know when the ambulance drives by when you're on stage and you say, my ride's here? That's me. Yeah. You know when you drop a glass in the crowd

and they say, put that anywhere? That was my first album. Oh, but you thought of Opa. Opa was me. I haven't heard Opa. Yeah, you'd probably drive over there and somebody's like, Opa! And everyone claps,

and the headliner can't follow him. Yeah, no, she was going on a spirit journey, so I think that you had a chance, and someone's like, opa! And everyone collapsed, and then the headliner can't follow him. Yeah, no, she was going on a spirit journey, so I think that you had a chance, because she was looking to say goodbye to her old life of banging wads. And you could have been the final nail in her old coffin of her old life. I'll tell you this, she'd have been sticking around

if I'd given her the old three minute hell ride. Hell ride! she'd have been sticking around if I'd given her the old three minute hell ride. Oh shit. Yeah, no, I would have loved if you could have made her one of your own and she could have just become a part of our family. I've been thinking about leaving America for about eight years now. Isn't it so easy to just have that romantic ideal when you're over here? Yeah. Like I'll leave and I'll become the funniest person in Ireland.

Yeah, that's exactly like, yeah. And I'll become the funniest person in Ireland. I thought that before my set last night in the big room. I was like, I'm- Wasn't that rough, really? Bro, it was the worst set that I've had in 10 years. For sure. Easily the worst thing to happen to me.

I mean, my mom died, who cares? All right, we saw that one coming. That's like the curve ball. We all know where you're supposed to bury your parents. You're not supposed to bomb. Oh yeah, no. I envied my mom in the cold ground last night, about three minutes into my set.

It was, it is. Well, there's graveyards everywhere here, so if you need to feel. Oh yeah, I can just go lay in the dirt. Do a little salt burn move. Yeah, where the dirt, but I want the dirt to fuck. I haven't seen salt burn yet, Sam. you need to feel. Oh yeah, I can just go lay in the dirt. Yeah, yeah. Do a little salt burn move. Yeah, where the dirt, but I want the dirt to fuck me. I haven't seen salt burn yet, Sam, don't ruin it. Sorry, I gave away the ending.

Oh man. The weird kid with the haunted heads. We'll call that getting Lund. You got Lunded. I'm gonna be so mad if I ruin a movie for him. What are you really? Oh God, he's a baby, you've got a lot of stuff. Next time you guys go to see a movie together,

just text me and be like, we're gonna go see this movie, and then I'll just look up the ending on the internet and then text it to Lung from my number because he definitely doesn't. Please do. That would bring me nothing but joy. He would probably.

He's like, some dickhead in Dallas just ruined the end of Ghostbusters. It's like a biographical film. It's like the Kennedy assassination. We're watching JFK. He's like, what? What's going to happen? Nothing. This one's a love story. Jackie takes her hat off.

It's not the only one. If they had called it that instead, Jackie takes her hat. And so they're getting her groove back. That's also how like Bobsters would say it. If she was behind the. Jackie wants her hat taken off and she they're getting her groove back. That's also how like, Bobsters would say it if she was behind there, Jackie wants her hat taken off. She were gonna take it all the way off. No bows. The man's dead. No bows.

He's one of your guys. Yeah. Yeah, he's... Half Mexican, half Irish, yeah. He's from close to where my people are from here. Really? Yeah. Kill Kenny, right? I think so, yeah. But we... He's from close to where my people are from here. Really? Yeah. Kill Kenny, right?

I think so, yeah. But we went to the, they have a statue of him. There's a thing with putting American shit up over here that's weird. Yeah, they love us. There's a Barack Obama Plaza here. Mm-hmm, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

They have KFCs everywhere you look. Yeah, well I meant American, I didn't mean like nonprofit kind of. I thought we were talking about heroes, I. Yeah. They have KFCs everywhere. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I meant like American. I didn't mean like me like nonprofit kind of I thought we were talking about heroes. I'm sorry. The Colonel. Come on. He could have been Irish for sure. Oh yeah. Well, no, there's too much spice in the food. There's not a boil of Irish. Yeah, yeah, that's true. Oh, have you eaten dinner yet? Lunch food. Are you okay? Oh, have you eaten dinner yet? Lunch? Food? Are you okay? You're going full Lund. Gay sex. There you go. I'm Dr. Peppers.

Lund's dog just died. Really? Yeah, he had to put his dog down. I miss Pucci so much. George Michael's dead, everyone. Oh, the dog George Michael. Yeah, and not even after the singer. After the Arrested Development development character, which is ironic because the dog did die of AIDS Yeah, one's having a really bad time meanwhile, we've just been playing grab ass more the kings of New Spain over

Yeah, we're traveling internationally accomplishing our dreams getting paid handsomely to yeah. Yeah, it's insane I understand why all these American comics were like I wanted to come back again It's like oh, yeah for the big check and the cool. It's a good check. Yeah, it's all pretty goddamn good Really? Oh, everything's good except for the 20 minutes the hell ride that I had last night You know what? I'm only really miss. I wish there was just like I Don't love their snacks here like they're their package snacks potatoes are good though. Yeah, no, the food is great. But the packaged snack, I don't like their chips is what it's coming down to.

I never know, I'm always surprised by their pre-packaged unhealthy food, which I'm trying not to eat anyways, but it's always like, well, you know when you go to Canada and they have ketchup chips and you're like, this is fucking disgusting. What a boring treat. Right. Yeah.

To call it a treat is a bridge too far. Yeah, but they love that shit over there. Like there's one over here that was like, there's sour cream and onion wasn't quite sour cream or oniony, like enough, it doesn't taste, it probably tastes like what it should taste like and I'm like, so my taste buds have been scarred by yellow number five

I'm a mountain dooman some of the you're not a dr. Pepper, man. You're not in the DP. Yeah, I'm a mountain do Nathan's a physician and I'm from the mountains. God you he needs a physician. He has one. It's my wife She's not a good doctor cuz he's dying has one, it's my wife. She's not a good doctor because he's dying. Is she his doctor? Yeah, yeah. And she's like, I mean I shouldn't divulge too much because I clearly don't know about what's going on with them because of HEPA. She gives them checkups and everything? Yeah, she has to go to the truck scale and can get them on there. It's really tough. Give them an MRI at the zoo. Well, someone that snacks over here will be like, shallot and squid. And you're like, oh, finally.

I've been begging for this. Potatoes are fucking great, dude. That potato chip with the little like, lunge-shaped man, the amorphous sexless. I don't know if I had one of those. I think I had a weirder thing. Oh, you gotta get a tato, bro. I tell you what I did have.

Yesterday I went and had dinner, we had a nice dinner, me and my cousins, and had great steak, and the potatoes that came with it, I thought they were like a Bernays sauce when I looked at them. They were so whipped and so, yeah. And there's cheese in them, right? I think there was cream, but I don't think there was cheese. Is it called like Angliaut or something?

Because they have a potato dish over here that looks like mashed potatoes, but I don't think it was cheese. Is it called like Angliot or something? Because they have a potato dish over here that looks like mashed potatoes, but it has cheese in it. And then they do the thing and it looks like a cheese pull when they dip it in the bowl. I mean, I don't think it was that. I think it was just like a mashed potato, but holy shit. Did you go to that steak house in Temple Bar, the famous one?

No, no, I don't want to go into Temple Bar, I think. Oh, come on, that's where your people are from. It's more like a chaotic scene of Americans telling us they're a... It's like a rainforest cafe. Yeah, it's like St. Patrick's Day in there. It's all the charm of an Applebee's. But with historic, beautiful brick buildings.

And classic Irish music. That's right. They love singing, dude. I walked out of my show. Everyone sings here. Everyone sings, I walked out of my show last night. They can all sing here. And fucking a guy, there's all these like gay dudes

in a window singing and they're singing Wonderwall. And then when I come around the corner, one of the gay guys points at me and says, you're my Wonderwall. And I was like, I'm home. This is crazy. It spoke to my heart. I'll tell you about what happened last time I was here.

No. At Wheelens, I was walking in behind Sam Jay, Michael Jay., oh you told me about this. Yes sounds. Mm-hmm and They walked in and there were just these three like drunk very young Irish girls singing teenage dirtbag. Yes, we dis they just Fell out laughing immediately and I was behind I was like I've never been so embarrassed Yeah, that's not a good look for half of your people. No, it not. They were like I bet they were like fuck. Yeah, it's like a confirmation of a dumb stereotype hypothesis proven true But that's it, you know that Irish they just drink and sing shitty songs

Well, dude a teenage dirtbag. There's brutal. There's been some developments in music since that happened. It was awful. Yeah. And I was just like, someone, and my, you know what was, I remember vividly thinking, someone's gonna try to have sex with these women tonight, and they don't realize how bad the conversation is gonna be talking to them. Oh dude, yeah. You know, like, just that. Of course when you're 19, you're not really interested in conversation.

No, no, no. And you suffer through all of it. Oh yeah. Yeah, like, of course when you're 19, you're not really interested in conversation. No, no, no. You're not gonna suffer through all of it. Oh yeah. Yeah. Again, I would let a woman put a cigarette out on the tip of my penis if it meant that I could cool it off in her sweet little clam afterward. When I was 19.

Her salmon valley? Yes. Pfft. Which is a great chip flavor over here. Yeah, no, the ladies over here, I think there's an inverse, not an inverse, relationship between the size of the breasts and how flat the butts are. Do you notice the flatness of butt?

I have not. I've noticed some fine derrières. Are you saying they're like, the more boed up? They are the the more convex there It's like they only had enough for to put meat up topper in the bottom Yeah, it's like if the table has a bunch of brisket on it. That means the pantry is empty, you know They're eating green beans for the rest of the week because they have these super tight leather pants and like if they're like skin tight on The thighs, you know, yeah all the way down the leg and they got and they're like skin tight on the thighs, all the way down the leg. And they got baggy and baggy.

They got nothing on the glutes. There's nothing behind. It's like they had to pawn it during the famine. It's like, get that butt, get that butt. I'm gonna be noticing this later. Please do. It's my curse. What have you noticed about the men here?

There's six of them. There's six faces, and that's six of them. Yeah, six faces and that's all I think they're they're all they either seem slight or gigantic, you know like they like there's not a lot of obviously there's some men of average size, but there's like a Lot of very lean tiny men like, you know, yeah It's like the the the wiry or ropey, right? That's a good way to put it. Yeah. Yeah. Scrappy. Yeah. Yeah. Uh, cause it's like the, the weight training and the UFC fighting that's taken

America by storm hasn't made it over here yet, but yeah, they do have one pretty famous guy. Yeah. Yeah. And again, he's not jacked though. No, he is. Is he? I met him in person last year at his bar. You met Conor? Is that how you say it? Conor McGregor. Conor McGregor. McGregor. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I was with Burt and we went to his bar.

I met him very briefly. That's cool that you got to meet Conor. I met George R.R. Martin. That was the guy that Burt, it's fine. Well, we both look like each of our guys. Well, exactly, yes. George R.R. did write it on a model train that he was conducting. That was nice. Yeah. But Connor's also super into dwarf penis. Oh, really? Oh,

I'm sorry. I'm not. I was making a game of Thrones. No, that was a great joke. I just was like, I could believe that he took you aside and was like, Shane, look at me files. I've got them. I feel unsafe just saying it in his country. I'm scared of him. Yeah, he was so crazy solid. It was insane. Yeah. And he wasn't even in fighting shape. It's funny how easily he could kill us with his bare hands.

Oh, I, Bert would tell me like one time, who's that guy, Brendan Shaw, the comic? They, I'm talking about this. Yeah, comic, that's how I describe it. Yeah. Came up with the story behind him and just like lifted up his leg and just kind of was like,

you know, just like roughhousing but fun. Yeah, little bit of a grab ass. Yeah, yeah. And he goes, I was so scared. Like, they just terrified another man out there who can just do whatever they want to you. Well, I was walking. And I said, I don't know what that's like, Beta.

Yeah. You are an alpha. Yeah. You do command yourself with a presence that makes me feel like if fisticuffs were to pop off you would not shy away from it. I don't know. I don't think so. You know I wouldn't look for it. You wouldn't look for it but if someone came at you. Yeah if it was Conor McGregor I would definitely shy away from it. I would start crying and pull my pants down. There you go Connor. I would just be like Look man, you can do whatever you want here So just if you want to be decent about just make it quick and kick my head off my body

Please just don't make it hurt. Yeah, it's swift. Yeah. Yeah, like I don't I need to hurt when I wake up I don't want to have a memory of it. Yeah. Yeah And then he only punches me in the belly for two days. Yeah, just pummeling you and laughing. Yeah. And slapping your ass. My name is Nathan Lund. Connor, it's me, Lund.

What do you want for your last meal? I got a knuckle sandwich. Can I get a Dr. Pepper too? Oh, his dog's dead. When did it die? A couple days ago. Oh, his dog's dead. When did it die? A couple days ago. Oh, that is a reason in rough.

Yeah. Is it like his best friend? You would think his wife would be his best friend or me. Oh, he's married? Oh yeah, for a long time. You think he was just out there slanging it? I don't know what Lynn's doing. No one really does.

It's indefinable, he's like missed. So it was funny last night, I got off stage and I texted you immediately just about how bad my show went and you said, someone threw cups at me. That's what's just true, yeah. Yeah, why don't you tell your story? What happened with the cups? I started that, you know the bit, the nurses bit I do? Yeah.

I started that and it's basically. It's a great bit. Yeah, thank started that and it's basically. It's a great bit. Yeah, thank you. But it's basically a bit about how I'm a hero and nurses are not. Right. And it's so obvious that I am winking at the camera the whole time when I'm doing this.

But I worked in a line where I go, this one woman cheered that she was a nurse and I was like, I'll tell you why I'm better than you, you medical janitor. Nice. And then she threw a nurse and I was like, I'll tell you why I'm better than you, you medical janitor. Nice. Yeah, and then she threw a cup at me. Was it full? No, they were like, I like, remnants of losing them,

but they're not gonna waste a drink on me. No, no, I'm surprised no one there just didn't come up on stage and lick the beer off the stage. I had to walk over and I was like, oh fuck, like I just kept going, you know, like, it was a real like, fuck off, like, you know, like, and she was like, it was, it was a real like fuck off like you know like and she was like it was it was um Not as dramatic it yours sounds much worse because mine was like

Halfway flirty not I'm not actually like right like they didn't like it. Yeah, but they weren't mad You know that and they were like fuck him right? Yeah, your thing sounded like it's kind of flirtatious what you're describing Yeah, like oh you yeah, you rogue. I'm gonna be like you were mad about your flat ass and huge boobs It is sometimes they don't hey shit we're only going regular because you're fucking you're totally right your flat butt Yeah, no doggy style. Yeah. Yeah, you know why I'll put you through the wall. I Bet you're a bit pent up after your week over here. You're ready to spew So I was like damn he's if you're gonna spew spew into butt well We'll get to that

I my show Was in the big temp 600 Irish. Yeah, and Tommy Tiernan's the headliner and he's a bit of a seuss air storyteller type Yeah, yeah, and the first comic Allison did great Kyla did great. Spittle was on with you little lady was really, yeah she's so lovely. She's very funny. Yeah. And I was like damn this show's good. She's incredibly charming. Yeah she's great dude. Yeah and she was dressed kind of like

Punky Brewster last night. Yeah yeah yeah. Love that. I was like fuck Kyla goes up she's wearing a Detroit Red Wing 62 shirt and I don't think any pants she just had a long shirt on like a sorority girl. I don't know if I even saw her. She was cool. Curly hair, red head, from here, lives in Barcelona. So I'm like, damn, this show's gonna be good.

These people love comedy. And I went out there and I was incorrect. They did not love all comedy because a woman ran out weeping during my set. She was shepherded out by a man as she was crying violently because I opened with my with my double zero joke about Heineken you know yeah Heineken double zero you're gonna remember hitting her next time. Gannis that might have been your first mistake. Well no because they have a Heineken double zero ad here that says no more need for a sneaky point which

just shows how ingrained lying to your wife about boozing is. Yeah. So I was like Heineken Zero should lean into it. You know, Heineken Zero, next time you'll remember hitting her. Yeah. Visible disgust. People are upset. And then I was like, I know what'll save it. My 17 minute abortion chunk. And dude, when I say that I died a thousand deaths, it might have been three,000 deaths. It was that thing. That's still nothing compared to our famine and all the wee babies who would die at the hands of. Well, I tried that too.

I was like, you know, America's going through a carbohydrate genocide too. You know, like what they did to you, we're not gonna say who they is. And they were like, we love the queen. They were like loyalists somehow, every one of them. You really. I stepped into it and then I sat in it

and then I rolled around in it. I was wearing it so bad, they went out and got more of it for me to put on. That's how many, that's how bad I was. Still in your shoes and pockets this morning. No, I can't get it out, I have to throw these away. And then a woman was, she said, about four minutes into the abortion thing,

as soon as I said abortion, the room turned on me, except for like maybe the hundred people who were there to see me, because when I was like, people were hitting me up, like come to the show tonight, and when I walked on stage, there was a big pop, and I was like, okay, this is good. They were not enough to supersede,

and a woman was like, stop while you're ahead. I couldn't have been less ahead. I was behind. I was at the end of're ahead. I couldn't have been less ahead. I was behind. I was at the end of the parade. I'm trying to catch up. I should have said anything besides what? Cause I couldn't hear what she said the first time. I can't, I'm contractually obligated to be.

And I did my time, but God it was tough man. And then I tried to do the closer where I talked to the woman. Did you get anything out of him at all? Well, at one point the lady was like, you know, stop. And I was like, well, I think 40 people in here are having a nice time. And then the crowd started clapping at that. Because it was a very,

not that you didn't know what was going on, but they needed to see that you were self-aware of the moment. Oh yeah, well, I think it was me sweating through every garment I had up there. That's how bad it was going that the sweat came. And that's how they know. When you go from like confident man walking out there

to just soaked in rags all of a sudden, you know like you're a tinsmith in the 30s trying to collect regular parts. Yeah, you're just like, you're gonna lift it up and you'll have like a beautiful face underneath it. Like you're like a welder, you know? No, there were sparks though. I was burnt by my own hubris.

And fuck dude, they really hated it. And I did my time and then I get off stage and all the comics are backstage and Tommy Tiernan's like, you know what you did up there was so brave. Which is not what you wanna hear when you get off. You're so brave, you know, you stuck to your guns and you didn't cater to them and you didn't equivocate and you did exactly what you came here to do and that was so admirable.

And I was like, yeah, but I bombed. And he was like, of course you bombed, but still. So that was almost heartening. And then everyone was trying to explain away what happened. And he's like their guy here. He is the king, dude. And then he goes out at the end and does his like, impression of different wind instruments,

and the people love it. He's very skilled, he's very good, but they were there to see him. Yeah, he's got great ability. And I think that, cause we were on with Tony Cantwell, he was the headliner of that show we did the first night, we were all fucking swinging for the fences.

That was a great lineup, cause those people were into like, the kind of comedy we do. And I think the people who were there to see Tommy were very upset that I was allowed into the country. I'm surprised that when I got to the hotel that I hadn't been checked out of my room. I think that's what Carl Spain said, crazy Carl.

Crazy Carl, I said Carl's a, he's a chatty catty. He's the man, dude. I love him. Oh yeah, yeah, I've dubbed him crazy Carl and I don't think he cares for it but he's leaning in. He's been doing stand-up since like 88 dude. Yeah, he's old. He's old?

He's a road dog? He told me a bunch of stories last night about going to Dubai and doing stand-up? Yeah, he did that too for me. He's like there's a pretty large Irish contingent over there I guess. I guess man. Because they can go over there and be teachers or whatever and not be taxed. Yeah, I bet they're over there like underwater welding or something, you know.

Well, you said there's a ton of like educators go over there. Yeah. And they don't get taxed. And so they get to stack money or they spend it and they go to like Sardinia or something. You know what I mean? Yeah. I've heard about people going to Dubai

and getting paid in gold, coming home with gold, like big bushels of gold. Jordan Dahl's father would go over to Dubai. When do you think we're gonna get paid? I don't think I'm gonna get paid. I think I have to write a formal apology to the president and his small dog. They were, but everyone was very nice. Everyone tried to explain to me why it wasn't my fault,

and I was like, no, it was my fault. You were aware enough. Oh yeah. They were kind enough to like they're Irish They're trying to be nice. Yeah, and I thought well at least Shane got cups thrown at him And I just found out that you were getting to second base Irish style Nothing bad really happened to you Yeah, exactly from the stage yeah, yeah cuz me fingers were so long Hey, they had so elegant bones. I guess Ariel said she had a tough set Ashley Gavin said she had a tough set

Oh really? Yeah, I didn't feel you know, it's weird. It's like they were on my show Mm-hmm, and they said they both had tough sets. I hope I don't think I was like I'm not one of those comics who's delusional and no like I don't think you are it was like thinks he's crushing and there was just like This is fucking well, you know, you know those guys. Oh sure Yeah, we go the opposite way where you have a fine set and you get off and you're like, yeah, you know And I'm like, all right, dude Give it up I'll go back to med school I'm gonna be a nurse too.

Oh, they were pretty upset. That's okay. But the woman who was yelling stop at me and saying stop trying to pressure her into talking to you, she allegedly left and collapsed and had to be taken away on an ambulance, is what Richie Brie told me. And he told me like, hey, karma.

I was like, oh, a woman died? That's not what you want to hear. Yeah, it's like I was talking with my cousins about the language last night a little bit. So like, say some good news, like something along the lines of like, I bought a house or I have a new car, or just anything. I bought a jet ski.

How bad? Like that's like the response. Really? Good news here how bad But it actually means good yeah, but like I think it's what's like I think the thought is behind it that Even if something good is happening. It's not it's really just How much not how bad could it have been as opposed to I see I see which I was just like that's would it have been as opposed to how good it is. I see.

Which I was just like, that's fucking wild. Well, Broadham explained the use of grand last night. Do you know how they use grand over here? Yeah, that's it. I say it and I don't think I'm doing it right. Well, they use it as like, it was fine. It was mid. She said grand means mid over here.

Yeah. They use all these words. Can it just mean like good too? No, it means mid. Like it was a mid-level experience. Well, they don't know, you know? They didn't have carbohydrates for 100 years or whatever happened.

Their brains can't get fat enough. Yeah, no, because they keep the drink, a touch of the drink. Grant, interesting. I thought Grant was like, yeah, Grant. No, it's like, yeah, it was Grant. Also, when someone says that's fine, I'm gonna bring over Grant now.

You should, I take it into your class. And it'll be very passive aggressive. Yeah, oh, was it fine? It was Grant. Grant, yeah, Grant. Yeah, I mean, you could. I'll be arguing with a woman, and she'll be like,

you wanna go to my parents' house? Yeah, Grant. Grant. Yeah, and then she'll be like, he said grand. He's so excited about it. Yeah, he's gonna be my mother. You're loading a shotgun in the next room. Yeah.

Two bullets. I'm gonna be in the paper tomorrow. Yeah, finally doing something brave. Time to make the Irish Times. That's what I told Bren last night. He was like, you're gonna be in the paper for that one. And I was like, I'd rather be in the paper for climbing the clock tower.

You're gonna be in the paper for this? I hope not. like, I'd rather be in the paper for climbing the clock tower. You're gonna be in the paper for this? I hope not. I hope the Irish Times wasn't there. I hope you are. Oh my God, dude. Sam, first international bomb right up. They've had a lot of bombs here.

Yes, they have. Yeah, it's like their whole thing. They're a little further north. Mm-hmm, yeah. Look at the license plate, see which county it's from. Mm-hmm. So I hope I'm not, but that Ashley woman, who's like the other half of the whole thing,

she was like, that's a good sign, mate. Because Anthony Jeselnik, Bill Burr, Louis CK, they've all been booed off stage over here. So if it happens to you, you're going to pop, you're going to be huge. I was like, all right. All right, Captain Jack Sparrow. I can't do Irish, so I just do pirate. Davey Jones look.

Oh and it started raining when I was on stage too. Oh that happened to me too. So like they couldn't leave, cause they'd get soaked. Man it was coming down last night out there. God was mad at me. I had upset his people. And he punished all of the Irish cause he was mad at you. Yeah, God and I, we have a twisted relationship. What stage are you on tonight? I'm a big one at 730 Tommy Tierney It's the headliner again. I don't know what I'm supposed to do

Comedy I know I kind of want to be like hey anyone here last night I don't but then I don't also don't want them to be reminded I don't they buy individual tickets for the shows There's no but there's a lot of like Tommy tier in an army. They go see every show You are me I'm like fish what it what bit did he do that? Did he do any of the stuff? We saw him do the yeah, he did pretty much the same stuff. Yeah. Yeah, which was all good stuff Yeah, it was great. He has that joke about Bob Dylan being shrunken down. Yeah, he's old He didn't put him on top of the piano player. Yeah. Yeah, you know, everyone's funny over here

They have a lot to be they have a lot to be sad about, so it makes them fun. Well, how about, you were part of the, hey, come touch Tierney move last night, right? What? Remember Tierney? Little Tierney? Oh, yeah. The comic with the glasses?

The wee one. The wee one who had to come out to his parents before. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You remember that story? He came out to his pokes? Yeah, and my dad was like, are we still getting a pint? It's like exactly what you want to happen, you know?

Like, unplussed. Yeah, yeah. But, yeah, like nobody, yeah, he was like, I came out to my folks, I was like, oh, good. And I was like, also like, kind of a lot to share with me too as a- I'm just a guy you met. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Nice guy. Very nice guy. I have nothing bad to say about him. But very enthusiastic. It's his first festival. Kind of a lot to share with me too as a guy you met. Yeah, yeah, yeah who ice guy very nice guy I have nothing better for you enthusiastic it's his first festival full of piss and vinegar yeah but yeah last night at like 2 a.m. we was like me and Mike Rice and that Vittorio guy and we were just standing in the middle of Weelands and Tierney came up and me and Mike put our arms around him Tierney get over here you rascal and he was was soaked through all of his clothes, whether it was rain or flops. Because he can be covered in cum now that he's out to his parents.

Cum would have been better because it dries. This guy was fucking soaked. Yeah, and I was like, whoa, hey, Vittorio, touch Tierney. And he was like, damn, he's soaked. And I was like, yeah, he is. So we kept calling people over. We're like, hey, Carl, get over here. Touch Tierney.

20 people came over and We're like, Hey, Carl, get over here. Touch Tierney. Twenty people came over and we were like, they were like, what? Isn't that like crazy how like down they are like, it's a new game. Yeah, because all they have is like hurling, you know, like their games are ancient and played with balsa wood. But yeah, so a bunch of people came over and we're touching him and then Tierney is just sitting there in the middle, just all smiley, and then after about the 20th touch, he just leaves and he goes, and we think

he threw up in the bathroom, and then we never saw him again. I saw him late, because I got there late last night. Right. And I saw him and he was there, and he just came up to me and I was like, how are you, and he goes, I came out to my folks tonight, and I was like,

how'd it go? He goes, good. Yeah, he was making a meal out of that whole story. Yeah, yeah. He was cashing checks in heaven with that one. But we didn't see him after he went to the bathroom. So I think either he went out the back door. I think he went and threw out and made his exit.

Or he got flushed down the sink. Something. He threw his soul up in the toilet. Or it didn't go well, what he told his folks. Oh yeah, yeah, he's just dangling in a broom closet somewhere. Yeah, torah lorah lorah. Torah lorah lorah.

Yeah. But yeah, touching Tierney was fun. Mike Rice very funny, Richie Bree very funny. That Vittorio guy, I guess, is like big. Tony Cantwell was there with his wife and they both got fucked up. Oh really? Yeah, because they have kids.

So his wife came up to me and was like, hey, how you doing? Are you so funny? We had a couple of parts. We've been here since four we worked our way through the whole fucking bar And then she just started punching me in the stomach That was upon meeting her she started punching me in the stomach and then karate chopping me I was like what a lady this woman this woman rules, why are you leaving? We got little kids, we don't get to have fun anymore, do we Tony? It was awesome. Just bag wrenching you, yeah. Yeah, she went full McGregor on me. Oh, god damn it. I'm sorry, I was happy to hang out with my cousins, but I'm sorry to

miss some of the party last night. You didn't really, you missed what I described. It was the same kind of thing, yeah. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. I just always want more food. There's no food at the bar. There's no fucking food.

I really would like, which is also, I think, kind of saving me in some way. You think so? Yeah, because I think I'd be snacking like crazy. You know, like, at the bar, like if I'm drinking like that and there's just food out. I, god damn it, we went to that wow burger place on the first night. Like if I'm drinking like that and there's just food out. God damn it, we went to that Wow Burger place on the first night.

Yeah. I got chicken strips. So good. Really? But I could smell the salt through the, you know, like the next day I was just like, it was cutting me from the inside. Yeah. Yeah.

I couldn't believe the shit that- Yeah, it crystallized in your blood. Yeah, it was like a Crystal's. You know, like how, of that kind of like. Crystal's burger, you mean? Yeah. Bury me in there, brother. I fucking love those little guys.

Those are my little friends. They fuck you up, though. They give you some of the worst indigestion ever. Yeah, yeah. After our shows. It's like, did I just eat like a fairly sturdy piece of paper last night when I went to sleep?

It feels like you're digesting construction. Well, they're so small, you have to order them by the pallet, you know? It's like, can I just back up the truck and you load it up with little burgers? We were, yeah. Yeah, like Wimpy, what was the guy, the hamburger tomorrow for a cheeseburger today?

Quimby. Quimby. Yeah. No, I wasn't. It was Quimby? It was Quimby. God. I'm glad to pay for two hamburgers on Tuesday. Quimby. I thought it was Quimby. Well maybe this is all, you don't have to look it up. You don't have to lose great momentum here. I still can't even remember the name of a fucking steakhouse. We went to a White Castle and I share my location with my wife. So we went to a White Castle after Royal Oak because it was the only thing open and it was in like downtown Detroit at like 2 a.m. and my wife was like you're not going to White Castle. You're not going to White Castle down there. What are you doing? Like she was just mad that we were going to White Castle. Then she was worried we were going to get killed. And I was like we have to go here because they have impossible sliders and one does gout. And she was like we're still we're still pureans yeah like it was a mandate yeah if you guys don't get food you'll both

starve to death right yeah we can't just live off our adipose tissue for months that's the thing yeah we were in Ferndale and there was a place open there was like one restaurant open late and It was just fucking jammed like for late night food was it a Coney Island. No, it wasn't no No, but the Coney places are like They're fine. They're fine, but I like them. I like them like that when I'm in Detroit once a year, you know, like yeah Yeah, you know like this. Yeah. Mm-hmm Yeah, we wouldn't believe how jammed it was and how like the menu of this restaurant was just like we've got We wouldn't believe how jammed it was and how like the menu of this restaurant was just like we've got

Fried chicken sandwiches and burritos and all of them are fine. Yeah, like you're like very grand. Yeah Yeah, yeah there's a restaurant in Detroit that serves spaghetti 24 hours a day and Like my sister-in-law talks about it like this like secret place that she's like, yeah Well, if you if you're ever hungry late, you get spaghetti I'm not gonna drive out of my way to get spaghetti in them like Detroit still dangerous neighborhood by neighborhood. Yeah. Yeah, there's still there's some great stuff there and there's some like right But you probably want to go when the Sun's up. Yeah the city but the city's coming back a bit We're all praying. Yeah, you know, I really hope that my investment pays off in Detroit cuz

That city is hella cuddty as we say in the community yeah we do say that you and Tommy Hearns oh my god I've been I had a I had a Smittix last night yeah I had a red Smittix you drank I had one beer it was good well I didn't have one beer I had about 10 Guinness zeros I can't believe we're drinking them like this dude. They're so fucking good. Yeah Yeah, they're perfect. They taste exactly like Guinness And you know what the trick is you know they do two pours they pour it and then let it settle They top it off. Yeah, if you have the top off pour regular Guinness

So they put booze in it anyways. Yeah, well, that's what they do dude cuz now I've been told this by so many Irish that they have the machines now because a lot of the places. The canned ones, yeah. Because they don't have Guinness Zero on tap yet in a lot of places. So they have the cans, but it's not a full pint.

So they tried to serve those to people and they were like, fill up me glass, you scallywag, or you'll walk the plank, you know. Jolly Roger's upset with you. So they just top off the double zeros with regular Guinness. So the guy was like, and yeah, there's a little bit of booze in it, but you have to drink six pints of zero with a top off

to get the effect of one regular pint of Guinness. And it's like. For the flavor. Yeah. Yeah, you're fine. I guess, but if you're like struggling. Here's the thing, if it's working here, it's kind of like, you know, just throwing straight into the fire. Like if it's going to like I get the psychology a little bit of like, well, if we can get it over here and people are still drinking this non alcoholic shit with just a splash of booze and no one kills their wife. I think that wife killing is a big problem here. I'll be honest, it searched her way into this conversation a couple of times more than I

needed to. Well, after I made that joke last night, I was like, oh, you guys don't know about the link between domestic violence and alcohol? You could have heard someone drop a handful of change, and I would have known the denominations of the change. That's how quiet it was. You know, when you're bombing your- You drop 23p.

Oh, 23p. Well, hell, I'll be down there to collect me offerings. That's how quiet was. You know when you're bombing. You drop 23 P. Oh, 23 P. Well, hell, I'll be down there to collect me offerings. You know when you're bombing and you're like, well, it can't get any worse. And then it does somehow get worse. And you're like, oh, God, there's depths to this thing. It's like Marianas Trench down here.

Dude, I was fucking, I found the Titanic. That's how deep I went. That's interesting, man. Yeah, it was fun, you know, and it's like, I'm not the best at stand up, but I have- Are you shifting tonight? Part of me wants to be like, I'm gonna do the same stuff and it's gonna kill, but then like, I think the issue is that that is like a coherent 20 minutes,

you know what I mean? Like that's what I close on in the States. It's like, that's my 20. So the rest of it, I could piece together a set of like odds and ends, but I have another bit about like how you, if you're a good parent, you like want your daughter to grow up to be fuckable, and I don't think this is the place for that, you know?

Yeah, that's the face. Yeah, like you seem to be really in between, you know, a rock and a hard place with this one, because it's like, I get why it could work and go massive or... Just be grand. Yeah, just be fine. No, I'm gonna change up everything tonight.

I'm gonna go up there, I'm gonna, you know. I'm gonna come heckle you. Yeah, please do, but wear a wig, all right? Wee babies are dying. It's a genocide Tell me Lord, why do you take the little ones? When the cold comes the babies go Did not little warm enough for their toad or we toes be cracking

I can't believe it's this long into the pod and you're just doing your great Irish accent They're like why why are Northern Ireland and Ireland divided is the fucking country can't agree on one accent Yeah, there's a million different town can of yeah, the counties can't know it's like And that guy's from Cork and then you got a guy who's like what about a handle or whatever? You're from Kilkenny, and then they're like you know there's eight different accents in Dublin. Yeah, this place is fucking crazy Yeah, they they sound American like they'll be like you're American double like you sound American Dublin Yeah, which is like a shitty thing to say I guess yeah, yeah, it doesn't land on them very well No, it's like dude. I mean hey make fun of us, but Bobby Crane, you hate our guts, you sure do love our fucking blue jeans. Bobby was bombing on stage in Paris

and he unleashed that upon them as his closer. What did it land? No. But it's also an insane thing to say, as like to get a point on the board. That's something you say right before you turn the gun on yourself. Yeah.

Gotcha. It's like a filter song. Yeah, I've been doing that bit about, have you seen the haircut thing I do about the guy calling me a genetic mistake? Yeah. And I added this chunk in about whenever somebody from another country insults me,

I'll get real USA on them. Oh, for sure. And I go, I'm like, and the line is I say, you're right, I don't know the capital of France, but I know what it ain't, Berlin, and that's thanks to us. Brother, let's go. Yes. Yeah. That was in Australia, they're like,

oh, you got a race problem, and it's like, yeah, we let black people in. Yeah, you guys are, don't. Yeah. You guys are, you're big Florida down here is the hundred percent you I love Australians But I don't like when they come at us because it's like everything you guys are doing is emulating what we did about ten years ago, yeah, so they're driving around in Toyota Tundra's and Listening to Katy Perry yeah, they're like it's like a weird. It's very redneck II culture down there in tone, but not

Not in taste. I guess well. There's 25 million of them. I think on a landmass. That's the same size as America It's the same size as the states yeah I think so and 25 million might be shy, but even if it was 50 million on that same landmass It's like you guys have a lot of room to grow over here Yeah, you're like no we can't let any fucking Indonesians in. It's like, why? We don't have the infrastructure. You got the infrastructure. It's called the middle of the fucking continent, which I guess is a million degrees all the time.

So you know what, as an outsider, I'm wrong somehow. Maybe I don't know the rules of Australia. I think we solved their problems. Yeah, those ladies have butts and boobies. They're a good looking group over there. Oh my God, dude. Yeah, well, who founded Australia? A bunch of fucking robbers and rapists.

Notoriously handsome. From around this area of the world. Yeah, I know. But they got to kind of let it grow in the ocean vibes. In the ocean vibes. Do they have beaches here? Yeah. Yeah? You been to the beach here? I went to the

beach the other day. Wow. You got in the water? No, it was too cold. You didn't swim in your cable knit sweater? No, it was too cold, but they do it. Yeah. Like my cousin does like ocean swims or sea swims. That's great. Does he wear like a wetsuit? She. What? Yeah. Nice. She probably pretty easy for her. She wears gloves in the hands, but then she just wears regular gloves in the boots, you know? Yeah.

But just a regular suit. Are they webbed? Is that kind of thing? They're like, they're basically a body suit with just hands and feet. Good for her. That's where a lot of it, where the cold really hits. Right, and that's where your first extremities that'll die to frostbite. Yeah. Huh, yeah, good for a lot of it. What were the the cold really hits right?

And that's for your first extremities that'll you died a frostbite. Yeah. Yeah, that's what my nose fell off that one time It looks good though. No, I had a reattached. They did is upside came with the glasses. I can smell my eyes That's like a Sarah's worm gag on SNL She like what she's like I got my nose reattached with the glasses and then she just pulls it up in the, like, yeah. Pulls back. She, I can't believe she found a home on there and that she's such a hit.

She's also funny, but she's so far out. Yeah, but they needed something, you know, like, I thought it would do well because I think they just had to find somebody, like some people who could write for her, you know, cause she's so left of center that she like, yeah, she fucking kills me. She's also like very pretty.

Which is weird. Yeah, she is. She's a gorgeous girl. You shouldn't hook up with her. Yeah, I should just hook up with one of the like breakout stars of SNL. Well, I mean, James Austin Johnson's not gonna fuck you. I might have a better shot with James something.

I don't know, dude. I, you know, that's what we do on this you know If I was gonna have sex with everybody on SNL Lauren cuz I'm a power fucker. Oh for sure. Yeah. Yeah, he'll take you on a hill ride. Yeah You like it yeah, and then it'd be like Dan Vitale who lasted one season God rest him or what was that? What's the name of it? Brooks Whelan. Oh, Brooks. I toured with him right after he got fired. I heard he was having a couple. Yeah, he had a couple beers, but he was okay now. I think he's okay now.

I hope he's okay. I always liked him. Yeah. He's a real run-it-life guy. Right. Like, you know, like... Real Carl Hess type. Yeah. Every time I see Carl Hess, he's like on a mountain bike bombing a hill in Geneva and then like drinking the biggest beer I've ever seen.

What is going on with him? I think he's leaning into the fact that his family has little expendable income and he's just living a very big bold life. Good for Carl. Yeah. How do we get money? I don't know keep doing this thing we devoted our lives to. No, that ain't gonna do it. The long cons not working out. I just noticed that our headboards are that green. Oh yeah. These beds are comfy. They're great. I only sleep on one side. How are you doing with the AC in here? I have it at 18 right now. Yeah okay. When I sleep in here I'm at 16. The Celsius adjustments is uh. If I wake up and my nipples are rock hard I roll over and I cut a hole in the mattress and I climb into it. It's easy. Pull a revenant and just sleep in your horse. Yeah, because I want sleep in my own body. Do you have two beds in yours as your

classic bit states? I think these are both these are these are two beds rolled together I'm sure. Have you split them apart? No. Okay, don't look under there. That's mine. Some things are sacred. My leg sleeve. No, you got a full... no yes it's two beds. Damn. Yeah, think you're better than me? No, no. Look, it's got a latch on it. So when you cohabitate with someone, a long time partner in a bed, how many blankets do you have?

Do you have your own blankets or do you share? Well, it's a good question, Sam, and I'm glad you asked it. And I thought about that before I came over for the interview Yes When I am give people a glimpse into the mind of Shane Torres Tumbleweed brain nice mad magazine. There's a man playing a fiddle in there Grand beans fine in Ireland.

Yeah. Well my wife and I have adopted the European method of we each have our own sheet and blankets. There's no more tussling. There's no Cold War anymore. You like that? She likes it. I like a tussle and I like a cuddle.

I like that. I don't like. There's no touching when we're asleep I come into bed after she's asleep because she goes to bed before me and then I come in late and Usually I would come in and I would then have to Untangle her from the blankets which wakes up in her just you know clawing at my face You know one of us has to work. What you do, you know. You're always having fun, you're playing grab ass with fat guys on the road.

Talking about ladies butts. Keeps the fucking roof over our heads, doesn't it? Um. Um. Um. Um. Um. Um.

Um. Um. Um. Um. Um. Um. Um. Um. Um. Um. Um. Um. No, she does not say that kind of stuff, but she does wake up mad when I wake her up. Yeah, yeah, yeah, but that's fair. So yeah, we've... Well, let's not go countin', go trying to count miracles.

Anybody who's mad, I'll wake them up. This isn't a lady thing. Well, and it's like the snug, I don't get into bed and then just like wrap her up. No, I got not a ton. I'm not, I'm not huge with that, you know, like a little bit. I like it before bed. I like it. And you know, sometimes if it just happens, if I just fall asleep, I just fall asleep.

My ex, she would say we'd be sleeping in bed and I'd be saying sweet things. But she said I would fall asleep so quickly, it was crazy. We'd just be talking and I'd be like, all right, yeah, I love you too. Let's do something nice tomorrow. And then I'd just be like,

ah! Oh yeah. Yeah, like out like that. And she was just like, well, that was nice for three or four seconds. I fall asleep immediately too. But the rare times that my wife and I get into bed at the same time,

she'll be on her phone, like, and try to show me a meme, and I am dead to the world, out of nowhere. She'll be like, I just showed you a meme, and then I come back to show you another one, and you're fucking asleep. I think it's just like, I just showed you a meme and then I come back to show you another one and you're fucking asleep. I think it's just like, I'm, I don't wanna sound like some hyper production asshole,

but I'm really, I do a lot with my day most of the time. Yeah, you do pack it in. So I think by the end I'm just like, it's power downtime. My buddy told me his wife would just get into bed and be like, I'm done now, and just like, robot down to sleep. The power of that. Can you nap? You nap. No.

You don't nap ever? I cannot nap. I don't like it. Yeah, I fucking hate it. I feel like I'm losing time. Yeah, I feel like it's a waste of time. I genuinely, I don't like going to sleep really, either. You know, like, I mean, like, if I'm very, very tired, I know I need it need it but I'm never looking. You know some people just like look forward to going to bed. I'm fucking begrudging every time I go to bed. It's like my mom's telling me alright go brush your teeth and go to bed. I'm like shut up you're dead. Unless there's sex in there I don't want to go to bed most of the time. I'm into

having sex in places that aren't the bed. That's a new move for me. Go on. Well like hey we have all these rooms in our house let's break them in. Maybe I'll bend you over a cardboard box. Wouldn't that be fun? It's like we're on the cast of Friends. I'm Joey, you're Chandler. Together we're gay.

Yeah. Shane, tell the people at home where they can find more great news about Shane Torres. You can find me at nathanlund.com for all your Nathan needs. The nathanlund.com directs to Trump's website. It used to go to the Westboro Baptist Church. One of the chubby people, one of our fans made a website for Lund because he's like, I want a website.

And then he did nothing with it, of course, because he's mentally ill. So now it just goes to like donate to trump.com. That's so brutal. Shane is a comedian dot com. Shane Taurus on all the platforms. Great special on you. Thank you. Blue eyed Mexican produced by Bert Kreischer. You have to say that contractually every time. I do. Bert and Leanne Kreischer. I say it contractually. Yes. And then I also have working on a new pod. So that'll be out soon. And I got a couple other things going. So I'll say this. A lot of comedy does not move the needle for me, but Shane's an

excellent comedian. So he's on the road all the time. I would advocate for you to attend one of his live shows because he's so fucking good in the room. Thanks, man. I appreciate that. Well, bro, we see a lot of bad shit and I'm always stoked when you're. It's always like I will say on one of the tours we did together, one of the fully loaded, I don't think we were on the same leg of fully loaded. We did the Kreischer bus tour.

Yeah, we did the regular tour, but I was on the fully loaded tour and a comic came up to me and goes, you might be the only one I watch this weekend. And I go, oh, and I was like, I was very flattered. And then- That was David Tell. Yeah, it wasn't, but that would have been, he watches a lot of people.

He did watch my set though. Really? Yeah, he was like, Leann texted me, he goes, A Tell was dying laughing during your set. And I was like- That's huge. Okay, did I tell you about what he did to me one time? No.

I was closing at the cellar, and he goes, do you want to switch? Yeah. Because typically, you about what he did to me one time. I was closing at the cellar and he goes, do you want to switch? Yeah, because typically, you know, he goes and I go, no, I'll try. I was like, I wanted to follow him, right? See if I could just 20 minutes. Like it sounded like a guitar solo the whole time and everybody was just losing their fucking minds. He's the greatest club comic ever. Yeah, ever. And then he gets off stage and he goes, sorry, I went a little long, and he shook my hand.

He goes, normally I'd never do that to another white. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Patreon.com slash show behemoth join that please and then come see me in Amsterdam August 3rd and Rome August 17th Lund will be on the the shows in Rome Wilmington, North Carolina Houston Sam talent comm thank you guys. Goodbye peace What's the name of that steakhouse?