Chubby Behemoth - Sam Burps On A Womans Head

Episode Date: December 16, 2023

SPONSOR: Support the show & get Factor for 50% off at https://www.factormeals.com/CHUBBY50 & use code CHUBBY50 BONUS EPISODES: https://www.Patreon.com/chubbybehemoth    This week Sam and Nathan discuss head bumps, Grinch encounters, and gout flare ups. A red haired waiter made Sam flinch. Sam tells us about the Christmas Fair he went to today. Nathan tells us how he wins. Sam and Shane built a fart nest in Austin.      Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth

Woo! Hey, look at this. It's one of the old school eps that everybody hates. It's Showy Behemoth coming to you from two separate time zones. Me, Sam, the niece terrifier talent, joined as always by big wet lip Nathan Lund. And back on the pod, everyone. You know him. You love him. You complain when he's not here. You complain when he is. It's Jake Becker, everybody. Hey, everybody.

Tell them where you are, Jake. Tell them that you're still part of this community. I'm still part of this community. I'm in Trinidad. I've still been editing the episodes. I just haven't been with the boys. And whose fault is that jake i'll tell you whose fault it is no i'll tell you whose fault it is the non-patreon subscribers because as soon as we hit a thousand patrons a month becker is quitting his job and

he's quitting it in a big way too he is going to release all of the client's data to the cloud, and then we're going to be auctioning them off by zip code to the highest bidder. So if you guys want to know exactly what Jason Elam's Xfinity bill looks like, please join the Patreon. Everybody's search history, anybody's... I mean, a lot of people have Xfinity, so there could be a... It could be Jakey Leaks instead of WikiLeaks.

What does Nikola Jokic masturbate to? You can find out. Is it horses? Is it Pokemon? It's horses. Is it Vulpix? Is it the horse Pokemon, Vulpix? I think that was actually a fox. God god i keep showing my ass on the pokemon there is a horse pokemon though from like the later ones right no there

was one it's i think its name is like ponita oh yeah with the fire hair how did i miss ponita it knew stomp god i'm so sorry, everybody. This one would be everybody's friend. Oh, is that a new beanie? Yeah, Detroit. Where you are or where you've been. That's right. Google timelines.

Beanie edition. That's right. Yeah, this is the same thing as having the find my location for my head so everyone knows that i'm in detroit right now and i just came from meeting the grinch at the christmas market and he was very mean to everyone and i was super jealous that was his job kids would walk up and be like hello and he'd go hello right back into their face like have you been a good have you been a good boy this year i think so you think so what are you stupid all right picture like just totally blasting uh children of color to their faces

their parents are loving it they're're clapping. My niece hated it. Susu could not tangle with the Grinch. You haven't gotten her ready for roast battles? No, no. I don't have her running the dozens in the schoolyard yet. That's on you. I know. I'm a bad uncle, man.

I showed up last night. I took her shoe. I put it right in my mouth. Her great-grandma, her mom, and Emily were like, Ew, that's your greeting? You haven't seen her in six weeks and you pick her shoe off and put it in your mouth? What are you doing? I was like, I don't know. I'm vamping.

I spazzed. I'm sorry. Trying to come on strong so she remembers. Yeah. Dude, she hit her head so bad last night on the concrete floor in the basement. Like thick, thick thump right down there. And now she's having a really hard time with state capitals and long division. Has she gone on all fours yet? She has been on all fours, yeah. She's been wagging her tail.

She's a little three-and-a-half-year-old dog. She may be a dog. She is a little dog. Speaking of people who became a dog, R.I.P. Kenny DeForest. No. What? All dogs go to heaven so he's don't talk about those back to back well i'm just saying that we riffed on the whole not wearing a helmet and becoming a dog and then our dear friend kenny straight you don't know if you haven't you don't know if he

had a helmet on or not i think that it was well known that he did not have a helmet because it would mess up his jerry curl. He was going shaved head, and he looked good. He looked good. I felt bad when he had the long hair on the sides. It wasn't curly like Becker's, which I think helps. We talked about that, bald talk, that the curliness helps a little bit with the balding on top.

And then when he started shaving it, I was like, good for him. You still got a good beard. You have a good shaped head. Sometimes you just got to get the razor out. Yeah, because he had like the Ichabod crane, like bald right here and then almost like flat, like down. It was kind of like a dog, which is ironic. He wasn't a dog. He died a man.

He died a man. And I miss him. You don't miss anyone except for me. I do miss you. I miss Becker. I mean, it was tragic. I mean, the most tragic thing, I donated $250 to his GoFundMe. I don't know where that's going now.

You do know where it's going. It's going to help his family. Don't act like it goes into somebody's pocket. I don't know who's lining their corduroys with that cash, but they got over $100K that they can do whatever they want with now. He can be buried with hair. Yeah, that's what they're going to do. They're going to give him plugs. Postmortem plugs.

Is this a Patreon? No, this is a free one. Oh, boy. I mean, hey, he was a good guy. Yeah, it's very sad. I'll bet he had a helmet on. I would not ride a bike in new york without kevlar and two helmets everybody would make fun of me but i would i would i don't i wouldn't even

ride a bike i wouldn't even look at one you couldn't ride a bike in new york the lanes aren't i'm allowed no they don't they don't have big trikes that you can rent and ride around you rode a bike around milwaukee or madison and i was kind of hoping you would uh hit your head and forget who you were and i could teach you yeah you would just have to teach me a brand new act that night build you up in my image yeah you would love that to play god with your living friend you would be susu i would be you i'd take your shoe off put it in my mouth you would love it you're gonna need a big mouth dog because i got scared to get scared of the grinch yeah uh the grinch is the the makeup on

this grinch was like exceptional it was likeWorks-esque. It was really, really good. And he had long fingers, and he would do this one and touch a kid's nose, and the kid would start crying. We were in line for a while. I saw him do all of his tricks. I walked up. Me and Emily got a picture, and I was like, all right, Grinch, you don't like me, and I don't like you.

And he was like, you're at a 10. You have to go down here. And I was like, you're at a 10 you have to go down here. And I was like, ah, I thought we were going to riff. He sack taps you. Yeah. He gives me a titty twister in front of my wife. Then he gives her one. Beat up the Grinch in front of my niece.

How the Grinch stole my wife. She would have liked that. She would have, yeah. I'm pulling his face makeup off, like his latex, and there's just a bunch of kids horrified. I put it on, I become the Grinch. Santa's the Grinch. Oh, man. I got a

gout flare-up that I'm on the tail end of, so that's great. Oh, no, I got a gout flare-up that I'm on the tail end of, so that's great. Oh, no, dude. Yeah, it sucks. I worked Tuesday and Wednesday because it was, I mean, it sucked, but the last time it flared up, I had somebody work for me. And this time I thought maybe it would be better after a couple days, but it still fucking hurts. You saw me. I was a good boy a couple days, but it still fucking hurts. You saw me. I was a good boy a couple times.

I got vegetarian cuisine. No. A handful of occasions. No. No, no. I did. No, having sweet potato fries doesn't count as being a good boy. Louisville, we had Indian food.

I had vegetarian. Yeah, and you were pouting the whole time. You were like, oh, there's only spare ribs in my kafta. I'm sorry, dude. That guy looked, he had that, this like 70-year-old Indian dude had dyed his head hair and his beard hair bright orange. And it was insane. It didn't make any sense. He looked like Blanca.

Right. He was like the, he was a Punjabi Blanca. Yeah. He was Dhalsim and Blanca had a little babyanca. Right. He was a Punjabi Blanca. Yeah. He was Dhalsim and Blanca. Had a little baby boy. Yeah. They did not have a microwave. He would just do that crouch thing where he became electric and zapped the food.

He zapped us when we tried to take an extra kofta. Dude, he was very unpleasant. I went up to try and pay, and he said, you sit down. I bring tab. And I said, well, I can just pay right here pay and he said you sit down i bring tab and i said well i can just pay right here and he said sit go sit sit down sit down down boy sam sat like a good like a good dog i did yeah wait interesting i did i did hit my head so why are you standing if you're this is where i pod yeah but if you're in pain you can sit yeah baby wow comedy cabin oh shit dude that's good you got two luns that's me i got two luns

uh it was a nightmare to carry that shit in the airport i just want a backpack i don't want a roller i don't want a rolled up poster i just want my pack and my sack that's all i want to fucking traverse the airport with that's all any man has in this life is packing his sack packing his sack man that's all i need oh god damn it what sucks is because it's your body there's all the pain in the no the rest of the body's good but the uh the pain in the left toe is so much that i've been walking around with the left toe lifted up and so now i have a bunch of pain in my arch and my calf. You're walking around like Mr. Natural. You're walking around like that crumb drawing,

the keep on trucking guy. Just one toe always in the air. I don't know what you're talking about. I know crumb, but... Becker does. Becker does no shit. I'm talking about the cartoon. It's not the small pieces of cookie that you find in your beard every morning.

Oh, goddamn. Dude. Well, hey, if you're in pain, I want you to know I'm in pain, too. I arrived in Detroit last night, and Emily's Uncle Mike was in town. And my God, did we go after it until 2 a.m. Uncle Mike was drinking like he committed a terrible crime, and in the morning he was about to tell the newspaper. He had to turn himself in?

I have not seen an old dude drink like this ever in my life, and I hang out with degenerate comedians, but Uncle Mike was just fucking setting a record. What were you drinking? At dinner, we had two bottles of wine, but Hannah had to drive, and I was like, I don't really want to drink tonight because I came in off my Tennessee-Austin week.

So I was like, I'll have a glass of wine. So I'm like halfway through my glass of wine, and then I hear Uncle Mike across the table cracking open another bottle. So he probably had one and a half bottles of Sauvignon Blanc at dinner. And then, you know, we're at Grandma's house, and I tell her that I met Howie Mandel,

and Emily's grandma, Marn, the Scottish one, is like, I just think he's repugnant. I just think he's the most awful man on television. Who is he to crush the dreams of these young people? Who is he? he's a man without talent he shouldn't be telling people what they can and cannot do i just find him absolutely disgusting and me and mike are laughing real hard so she's like leaning in she's like yeah it's just his face is revolting everything about his character makes me want to toss my pizza onto

the floor it was i don't know why she hates Howie so much, but she does. He's not even, is he, I mean, I know Simon Cowell is on there as well, and he can be mean. Is Howie ever, he must be mean sometimes? I think that she confused Howie with Simon. Yeah? Yeah. Classic Cowell-Mandel mix-em-up. But yeah, she unleashed a torrent and then Susu hit her head.

And then Susu's out in the yard chasing her tail, so Hannah had to take her home. So yeah, Uncle Mike was like, do you guys want to go to Kelly's? Kelly's is the bar down the street where we had Emily's dad's wake. So we go to Kelly's and Uncle Mike walks up, orders three shots, three beers, and we were there for about four hours. And that was the pace he was keeping. Yeah, he would go to the bar, he would get his Miller High Life and a shot of some weird whiskey and come back. The motherfucker must have had 12 beers, must have had 12 beers at least six shots that i saw him have dude it was is did he show up solo and his wife's gonna be around the today or something so he knew he had to make it count so he drove down from traverse city uh to see his mom and we went to kelly's so bridget wasn't there

so he was like and we walk in there there, his buddy he knows since kindergarten owns it. So, you know, his buddy's bringing out weird shots. They're mixing up strange ones. You know, they're opening weird bottles of wine. I mean, Mike, I've, and then he went golfing at 8 a.m. Do you know that he made it? Yeah, he made it. We saw, he sent us some picture he shot shot 200 the

game of his life yeah no he's he's 40 under par 18 hole-in-ones he's in the zone yeah and then i woke up you know susu comes in the room this morning at 8.30. I'm completely nude. She jumps on the bed. She's pulling away the covers. I'm thrashing. I'm like, no, no. I'm like kicking. No, no.

She thinks I'm doing a bit, so she's pulling harder. And I'm like, Susu, leave the room. Susanna, get out. Get out of the room right now. Because I don't want her to see. I don't want her to see what I have. Yeah, let her wait before you tell her about the Holocaust. Well, yeah, you're supposed to see, when you're a little kid, you're supposed to see a huge wiener,

so you think that's the biggest one in the world. I don't want her seeing my hungover morning wiener. She's going to see a four-incher when she's old and be like, What? What happened to Uncle Sam's penis? It's her first memory. All the other stuff doesn't count. Yeah. But she remembers that you were nude.

Right. Like, the last night she hits her head, she has no memory before that. And then it, like, kicks something into place. And now that's the first core memory she has is this morning. It's just me fucking reeking. Oh my God. I feel terrible. I feel so bad today.

How was the Christmas market? I had to diarrhea behind a candle stand. It was so bad. Loose or inside of a porta potty? Oh, there was a porta potty behind this candle stand. As soon as I clocked it, I was like, oh, candles. I got to go see what's up over there. And then just waddled in there.

And then, I mean, the porta potty looked like there was a couple of badgers mating in there. It was rocking and reeling. It was like it was one of those homemade rocket ships trying to take off. I mean, I was bracing myself. and reeling it was like it was one of those like homemade rocket ships trying to take off i mean i was bracing myself and uh then i opened the door and they're all standing outside of it and it's like oh did you guys hear what i just did because that water's cold and deep the rest of the day everybody tries to smell the candles and they all just smell like shit. This says gingerbread, but it smells like diarrhea. There's like, yeah, some dickhead shit right behind us.

It smells like the Grinch over here. What's going on? None of your business. But then luckily Jerry, the 91-year-old grandmother, also had to use the port-a-potty. After you? She had to follow me in a port-a-potty at a christmas market in detroit leave me yeah she she comes out nobody recognizes her she's she's so changed her hair

is just standing straight up it's like she's electrocuted she's a dog. She comes out, she's on a leash somehow. She's licking herself clean. Yeah, poor Jerry. It's nice to talk to you guys. I miss you guys. I haven't seen you in a while. Yeah, yeah. It's been our longest stretch of time apart in a couple months i know i uh i was in austin and then nashville and then knoxville this week long week joe rogan it was

the christmas party at rogan's comedy club on sunday and i didn't know that so i tell egan i'm in town and he's like oh awesome you're here for the Christmas party and I was like okay so I go down there and everyone's dressed like three piece suits bow ties all the women are in ball gowns the whole staff is there

and then me and Shane show up Shane Gillis and we look completely stupid we're both in hoodies he's in sweatpants and uh we walk up and matt mccusker and matt mccusker's wife are in front waiting for us and the first thing i say to matt is like because you know we make fun of him right away he's wearing like a tie and a sweater and like a jacket and i walk up and i said you have product in your hair and i've never met his wife before but she turns to me and she says are are you making fun of my husband? And I was like, ah, I'm sorry, ma'am. I'm Sam, by the way. And I

put my hand out and she didn't shake it. That was a great first impression. Damn. Yeah. So then we go in there and we go into the green room, which is like the inner confines, you know, the heart of this, this body. And Ron White, we walk in, Ron White is literally dosing Joe Rogan with acid out of a dropper. And Joe Rogan's dressed like a hitman. He has a flat cap on, and he has like a leather jacket. He looks like he's

going to kill some guy's wife in the morning, like he's waiting outside of someone's house to finish a contract. Hopefully my cuss track. Maybe, we'll know. After punking your ass out. She punked me so hard. And of course when that happened. She made you flinch. Yeah.

Dude, she asserted dominance right away. Sacked up. She got me with those Grinch fingers. Yeah. So then like Rogan's just flying high. Ron White's literally going like this. He has either his mouth open or he's like, it's either this. Hopefully you're watching this.

For the listeners, it's just. Ron looks like a horse licking peanut butter off his lips. Mr. Ed style. Yeah, two means yes. Or he's just mouth closed and eyes closed, but then he'll open his eyes intermittently. So it's like, it's a lot of that. Then I got camera,

camera one, camera two. Yeah, exactly. He's doing Wayne's world. I don't, I don't want to hog too much, but I think this is a pretty interesting thing to be able to relate to you guys.

Rogan told me that Zelensky, I'm alone with him on the balcony. He says, Zelensky wants me to come over and do a podcast with him in Ukraine, but I can't do it because they could track my plane. They could, you know, and I don't want like the russians to shoot me down because then america would have to go to war with russia and i don't want to be franz ferdinand it's like whoa it's like oh yeah that that all tracks joe you know this is actually true you could be the martyr who causes world war three not completely insane no it's not i mean in the moment you're like this man's insane but then you think about it and you're like yes that's a legitimate possibility for your life they would probably want him alive but yeah you don't know they could

just uh make a statement and blast his ass uh dude sit down no if you're not burping and scratching and farting okay never mind there you go that was amazing that was truly amazing let's let this guy talk hey it's two microphones two mics with Lunt I'm double mic'd for her pleasure and I'm here to say

go back in time and see me at the comedy cabin in May May 19th and 20th does little Nathan's foot hurt too? he doesn't know. He's from May, so he is living his best life. That was one of those shows was when there were two groups of mourners at the show,

and I went hard on what happens after you die. Do you go to heaven and suck God's dick? You know, it's the perfect size. It's not too big. Do you go to hell, suck the devil's dick he has two and i find out that there are two groups of people mourning loved ones oh fuck oh no the lun virus is spreading i made you i made you burp dude i burped on top of a lady's head in knoxville

why because she was the worst Dude, I burped on top of a lady's head in Knoxville. Why? Because she was the worst. After the show? Taking pictures? No, on stage, I burped on top of her head. Like, and blew it on top of her head. She falls back in her chair.

Yeah. Her hair starts steaming it turns bleached uh no dude so i did i mean i just had a lot happened this week i'll jump around i guess knoxville uh i do a don't tell show that's in like a vintage store and there's this woman sitting in the front row and as soon as a comic starts like to start a punchline she steps on it with like an interjection that doesn't make any sense whatsoever so I mean so she's helping she's helping for sure and also her husband is there and he's wearing a scarf and a beret and he has sunglasses on and somehow none of the comics

mention it so I'm like well this will be great so i smoked a little bit of weed before i went on oh naughty naughty boy yeah i smoked a little bit of grass and uh so i'm about to go on stage and the host is like hey everyone i'm so honored to bring up this comic i've been a big fan of his for a long time. He's coming in all the way from New York. He's seen him on Conan and the Stephen Colbert show, and I'm like, oh, maybe he's just giving me a big intro

as hosts are wont to do. His comedy special, Blue-Eyed Mexican, just came out. What? Ladies and gentlemen, it's my honor to introduce to you Shane Torres. What? Yeah! came out what ladies and gentlemen it's my honor to introduce to you shane torres holy shit yeah dude what the fuck right so all the comics start laughing right away and the people who know me who are like stoked at the don't tell start laughing right away then

there's just people who came to a don't tell on a thursday and they don't know what anyone's laughing about and i open by being like you know i'm raised i say racist stuff and then i keep saying yeah but that's just how shane torres talks you know and like people are getting it but there's other people who are like what is happening like why is this guy being a race realist in front of us right now? And I called the lady a bitch. The heckler lady, I called her a bitch. I was like, and this bitch better shut up. Hey, if you don't like it, then you've got to get out of the Shane Torres show.

So I do like, I don't know, 20 minutes, probably 10 minutes of this whole thing. And then I reveal that my name is actually Sam Talent and then I see the host in the back of the room go oh fuck what a weird I mean that's such a full biff yeah it's such a hard biff. Uh-huh. Especially if he doesn't know he doesn't know what either of you look like. To be that lost. Right. Is insane. Not that you guys are both like everybody knows you, but he's a comic.

I know. He's a comic who's alive. That's so stupid. Right, and I gotta be like, hey everyone, it's me, the blue-eyed Mexican himself, Shane Torres. I hope that I said stuff about Gaza and Israel in support of both sides. So there's some people in Knoxville who were just confused and think that Shane Torres is an anti-Semitic,

but also anti-Muslim Holocaust denier but also genocide enthusiast. So, yeah, that was a lot of fun. What did the woman say? Oh, so the woman said something, and before she could talk, I went, Riff Stomper! Stomping all of the riffs! Riff Stomper! Riff Stomper!

And was just up her ass the whole time. I knocked off the guy with the sunglasses. I knocked his hat off. And then I realized that he was just blind. He didn't flinch when I knocked his hat off. And I was like, oh, no. Yeah. But I was still Shane Torres in this moment, so it was fine.

There's no bad ramifications for me, Sam Talent. But yeah, then I was walking around in the crowd because we had a long mic horn, and the lady went to talk, and I burped and blew it directly on top of her head. The crowd loved it. It was a lot of fun, the riff stomper. She was looking between her legs at one point, and I was like, there aren't any punchlines down there for you to stomp on. What are you looking for?

But her blind husband had just dropped his phone or something. Him being blind wasn't good. Yeah, that stomps on the riff stomping. Right, yeah. That was a fun evening in Knoxville. She was trying to explain your body language. Oh, he did something. He took his glasses off in a mischievous way.

Right, yeah. Shut up, bitch. Shut up, bitch. Hey, don't make Shane Torres tune you up a little bit. Hey, don't make Shane Torres tune you up a little bit. I told Shane about it. Oh, I revealed that I was Sam Talent, but I was like, hey, everyone, yeah, it's me, the blue, you know, blah, blah, blah. By the way, everyone, get out your phones and go ahead and Google me, Shane Torres, everybody.

Go ahead and get a look at the blue-eyed Mexican. And they all looked, and then I saw people around the room being like, wait a minute. So that was a fun reveal. What did the host say afterwards? He was so apologetic. And I was like, bro, I have forgotten the headliner's name before. I've brought people up the wrong way. Don't worry. Everything's fine. He was cool. But it's not fine he has to pay no no no i mean he actually gave me a gift because i was like stoned and i was like i don't want to do this hour again that i hate so i didn't really have i just got a riff for

the majority of it yeah yeah i suppose that's so fucking he st he had st in his head but god damn i mean that's so weird i know people had me shot and they had me sign the book that night as shane torres that was fun i thought i was gonna say shane gillis because i was like i could understand that we're both kind of fat guys but shane would never be doing a don't tell in Knoxville and it was it was fucking weird dude yeah yeah big weird night oh and you you and Shane were the only two that weren't dressed up at the holiday party correct yes we look like we were there to move furniture and sweatpants were they like gray sweatpants? Yeah, he had gray sweats. The dick magnifier?

Uh-huh. Yeah. The dick isolator? You can't do it. You can't rock. I mean, really, any sweatpants, but lighter than black. You're just asking for everybody to know where it is, how big the head what it looks like right they were like translucent they were they were they were gucci so they were like completely see-through gucci all right no i mean imagine wearing silk

fucking sweats at a strip club no undies oh god that's flying too close to the sun blasting off those are wax wings bro your sister your sister clocked me once i can't remember i think i was wearing red basketball shorts and she was like hey look look who's here what's that my dick and i was like hey how about you knock it off she's like what you're the one wearing i don't she said it like it like it was gray sweatpants it but i don't think it was that it was something else where she was like yeah it's not my fault that you showed up with your dick front and center well well well look who decided to show up What if you got gout in your dick? Whoa.

It would be over. You would just have to kill me. Kill me. I'm just wiggling around in bed. Kill me. But get the pillow. Did I tell you guys that story about the big fat guy who lived down the street from me

in our impression of him masturbating? No. Oh, dude, there was this kid named cory who lived down the street and i was friends with his little brother and he was like really big fat kid he was the kid that they had me befriend when i was in first grade or i was in second grade and he was in first grade they like made me his big buddy because they wanted me to you know teach him how to be another cool fat kid like me. Make it work. Yeah.

Our impression was that he would just lay on his back and just undulate and wiggle around until he came. Yeah, we did get his ass. He's got to be dead, right? I think he manages the Walmart in Elizabeth. Let's go see him. Yeah, I mean, we can see him from the parking lot. He's huge. We should check him out. Yeah yeah we should go peep him see what his deal is oh man

now I got this Zen in and I am just trying not to barf you feel like shit oh I feel so bad I feel like your foot does dude come. Come on. Does that help or is it bad? It doesn't help? Does that help? Too bad you're still not having audio issues. Oh, man. Fuck. Yeah, fuck it.

I haven't been doing anything anything the dishes are piling up mama and george michael are pissing and shitting in the house and i'm just rolling back and forth until i come he was the original hedgehog uh yeah he would hedgehog his log. Fuck. Fuck, man. I did your mom's house. I mean, I had a big, crazy week.

Did your mom's house in Austin. That Christina P. Pretty easy on the eyes. Yeah. Oh yeah oh yeah she's always been pretty she's she's pretty is your mom's house just her or is it her and her and tom her and thomas segura okay yeah was it fun are they still yeah it was fun me we we looked into uh penile enlargement surgery so we just like looked at a bunch of like horrific before and afters dude these before and afters are crazy man it's like a guy has like a thumb before and then after it's like this man paid three hundred thousand dollars to get his penis enlarged, and it's like this much more? Whoa.

Yeah, it's like he went under the knife and had to go through horrific rehab for three months, but now he went from this to this. Oh, no. Yeah. Now his partners can wait until after to laugh about his dick yeah dude i mean it was good there was two immediately there was one that was like a six foot ten black dude with like a hangnail and in the before picture they don't have his face in it but in the after picture he's got like you know this now and he's standing there with the doctor completely nude giving double thumbs up oh no dude what a scam can you imagine being latrell spreewell

and just like having like you know fucking thumb drive like that proves there's no god it's like yeah $500,000 later he went from this to this so it's a lot of that but yeah Tom offered to get me a dick enlarging surgery so I might take him up on that

nice that'd be good content why don't they double it triple it why don't they make why don't they make it huge it's not like the the breast breast surgery is uh you know that should be the guide you can go as big as you want yeah for sure i mean and also like they have them in, I think you can go to Chile, and they'll just put caulk in the skin of your dick. They just pack it with some kind of foam. Yeah. And then they have ones that are, like, when women get filler in their faces, like, your body resorbs it, so you have to get a subscription service to go in and get your piece pumped, like, every six months.

Yeah, that doesn't seem worth it no just just get get a good sex toy that you bring along you're like this is my little helper just get good at fingering yeah yeah finger in so much better than weenus they love it they love getting fingered. You hit him with the I know what you did last summer, you know? I'd like to give a fingering seminar. They should let me go into, like, eighth grade classrooms and be like, look, I know you kids think that this whole ween scene you got between your legs is most important. But no, no, no, gentlemen.

You got to hit them with this one. Hit them with that. They like that. The nevertheless. Yeah. Yeah. All encompassing. Hit them with the Steve Jobs making a speech. Or you can go with, like, the codependent hitchhiker that's a good one

there's a lot you can do in there that doesn't involve your uh your zip drive that's right uh fuck this sucks you're doing this to yourself stupid yeah but sitting down wouldn't be that much better it would still suck put your foot up let that uric acid go backwards towards your heart get those crystals in your chambers it's not that easy they don't just retreat they're thick so they're just bouncing around causing chaos you're gonna get it in your neck and your elbows next no no you're gonna be the maniac I gotta just freakin gotta be more disciplined yeah dude you

know it was funny man is uh I did Matt and Shane. I know you have a special coming out December 26th on Matt and Shane's YouTube channel, everyone. Check it out. I saw the name. I like the name. The Toad's Morale, baby. Yeah, because I panicked on your mom's house. They're like, what's it called? And I was like, The Toad's Morale.

So that's just what it's called now. But fucking the night before, me and Shane were just sitting on his couch, both in basketball shorts. Just like he was playing UFC and I was watching and we were ripping horrific farts all over that couch. And it was so funny to me that the next day, Howie Mandel, the world's biggest germaphobe, was just in the fucking nest of farts that we had built the day before yeah man it was grotesque I didn't think I thought it looked like a furniture store

that you guys were in that's funny I just saw the screenshot or something yeah that was the regular that's Shane's house yeah that's funny i just saw the screenshot or something yeah that was that was the regular that's shane's house yeah it's just how he lives damn yeah but we were just like we were trying to make each other laugh by farting and i've again classic sam t left it all on the field went too went too far yeah And had to go. I was like, oh, man, I'm going to go.

I shit my pants. Like right where the Mandelman was sitting. Oh, no. Dude, this Howie Mandel episode, it was fun because he's there. He's doing a bit. He's been doing stand for 50 years. So he does the classic bit where I'll say something funny and then he'll like stare me down you know like and then i'd be like i'm sorry howie you know like that kind of thing it's a great bit

classic and then you read the comments and people are like god sam's fucking bombing on this howie hates sam oh my god uh how he's being so rude to Sam. And it's like, dude, we're two accomplished geniuses doing a very straightforward bit. Howie Mandel talked about how he used to put a cigarette underneath his balls and sunglasses on his dick and do a little puppet show. He was saying a lot of crazy stuff. He rules. Howie Mandel, certified, rules. When you said that in the group chat, we had been talking about Kenny. And so I pictured Kenny saying that, and I was like, what the fuck?

Yeah. And it's very different, and it made more sense that it was actually Howie that was pulling that off. Back, you know, before there was TV, you had to entertain yourself. It was Canada in the thirties, you know, fuck. What was another thing that Howie said that blew my mind? He said that he,

Oh dude. So Howie Mandel has been investing in VR technology. And eating his own ass. Yeah, like that's one of his things is he does like, have you seen this, Becker? Yeah, he owns like holograms and shit, right? Right, so it's holograms. He owns Tupac. Yeah, exactly. And they're trying to raise enough money to get a biggie hologram together, but they need a lot more infrastructure.

But he's like, yeah, so we get these hologram boxes, and we put them at airports. And then I can – are you guys still there? Yeah. Okay. And you guys – and then I can, like, talk to people at airports and stuff. But it's just like a big box, and he's on the screen, and people interact with him.

And he's like, isn't this crazy? He's going to revolutionize everything. It's just like a big Zoom call is all it is like yeah yeah it's just like it's like this if i was like full body and talking to you guys but i was howie mandel this is like the revolutionary technology he thinks is gonna you know change entertainment forever because he doesn't want to have to leave his house he doesn't want to go after like go out and deal with the unwashed masses he doesn't want to touch doorknobs yeah but then he sat in my little uh just my fucking magic carpet of farts for like two hours yeah there was a hologram lady at uh dia when i flew to madison yeah but i didn't think that that couldn't have been live he's

saying he would be live and could hear people he does it they install these boxes and then people will be at baggage claim and they'll be like whoa that looks kind of like howie mandel and he'll be like it is howie mandel and then like a kid will be like whoa weird what's up howie mandel and then he like tries to riff with them and then they get their bags and leave it did not seem like this like you know huge step forward yeah i mean it is pretty cool it's cooler than a zoom than a screen but yeah not by a lot i guess no but i just want to go on record and say Mandela's cool. Yeah.

Howie Mandela. Yeah, I said, what's your podcast called? I said that? Yeah. Fuck. Kill me. Kill me. Quit eating a fucking family of chicken wings every night and you'll be okay oh yeah i listened to this when i got that when i got that greek food you know i ordered

greek food at comedy on state and you were like i was like how should we split this up and you're like well if i give you this skewer then we each have a skewer and a euro, so we're pretty much even. I had a mega euro, so it was bigger than yours. And I didn't say shit, because that's how I win. And this is how I pay for winning, which is by limping around for a week. I love your idea of getting one over on me is having more cardboard-esque Euro meat than I in being like... Yeah, it's been there for 40 years and it wasn't that good. Well, yeah, at least you ate a shitload of it until your foot feels like it's on fire.

Until my foot's bloated. Yeah. Have you been eating recklessly since you got home? No, but Sunday... I think Sunday night we got two pizzas and they both had meat on them. Who's we? Megan and I, my wife.

You guys got a couple of pies? I don't live alone. When you said two pizzas, I thought you might have had the boys over, you know? But no. You had one and a half pizzas and then your wife reached for a slice, and you growled at her. You swallowed her wedding ring when you bit off her finger.

Yeah, I'm fucked. You're fucked. Maybe tomorrow. Yeah, everything's going to be okay. Maybe I'll be okay tomorrow. Yeah, for sure sure we'll see today at the farmer's market i was tasked to go find jim uh emily's stepfather and i he was wearing this yellow hoodie and i was like oh there he is and i went over and he was standing in front of a uh it was a place making bone marrow and he was just like

like the same way that like when i was a kid i would stare at like you know uh you know you you know when you would watch kids playing video games at gamestop and they'd be playing like the new tekken and you're waiting for your turn but they're not letting you know, because they're going to dominate it until they have to go back to their fucking, you know, shift at the Motorola kiosk. That was Jim. Just like,

just waiting for his bone marrow to come up. And then I was, I was, he was like, yeah, yeah, I'll catch up with you guys. So I got to go back and tell his vegetarian wife and his vegetarian sister

in law. Yeah. He's over there waiting for his marrow to be ready. That was a lot of fun. That's a random one at the Christmas market. Yeah, yeah, bone marrow, man. Did you have any? No, there was no leftovers.

He slurped them. Right, but Susu couldn't get enough of the bone dog yeah dog style she buried it yeah she's a dog she's a dog i hope she's not a dog you won't know for like two years because she's a little kid i don't want dog niece uh um oh becker we have an ad read do you want to pull it up yeah pull it up becker we'll give you the reins people have been saying where's becker did you guys fire becker what's the beef with becker we can't wait to listen to his car podcast just kidding no one ever said that but uh i just want a couple people did correct yeah and i'm gonna say go ahead what i forget every week but uh buy some coffee from my wife uh she'll ship it to you there's a few

options the email address is mutiny on main street at gmail uh it looks like you guys don't need any money you're eating two pizzas for dinner and you're hanging out with holograms sounds like everything's going okay i forgot you and emily share one medium pizza when you guys have dinner shut up we don't eat pizza because that's for slaves pizza rules We don't eat pizza because that's for slaves. Pizza rules. Pizza is really good. I can't handle it anymore, dude. My body's falling apart.

So we're all bone today. Yeah, dude. I've been on prednisone and antibiotics for the last fucking six days. I had pneumonia and then my furnace went out so i was freezing in my house sick as a dog what damn yeah dude it's been shitty lately dude you have friends there why don't you just go crash in carlos's van because i was sick i didn't want to go be out of my house while i had like massive diarrhea and just felt like shit from all the meds i was on

well dude i learned today the farmer's market you're allowed to have massive diarrhea outside so don't worry okay now i know for the future yeah yeah have you guys already done all your Christmas shopping oh dude none of it I ordered one thing for Sam I'm done oh you did yeah I told you I got you something

oh that's nice man I got you something too a Detroit beanie I got you some Zinn wintergreen actually I don't want Zinn a Detroit beanie yeah I got you some Zinn wintergreen actually I don't want Zinn I got you

actually a pair of reading glasses I could use some readers yeah you need some cheaters because your nose is about to get gout and you're not going to be able to hold your glasses at the top of the bridge I hope you get gout in your eyelids i hope you can't blink i hope you eat so much meat that you're unable to fucking close and open your eyes that's a nasty thing to wish on someone

and your eyes just kind of scab over that would be great i wouldn't have to see you ever again i could picture a handsome man who's kind and shorter than me oh dude someone had this was crazy in nashville a dude at the by the way shout out nashville zanies thank y'all for selling it out on a wednesday that felt fucking good never done that club before never done that market that was nice people driving in from all over tennessee coming in from alabama but a dude showed up and afterward when i was shaking hands with everyone he unbuttoned his flannel and he had that skidamarinky dinky dink picture of you with the parasol on it what the fuck yeah and it said lun guys rise up yeah dude he made his own shirt yeah with the jimmy dean breakfast sandwich oh my god

if i would have been there he would have killed me yeah i think so yeah he would have gone full grinch with your face he was all disappointed where's lund where's fucking lund yeah sorry man he's ah, it's for the best. I don't know how I would deal with prison. You're like, what? He's like, nothing. Nothing, nothing. He's like, I've just been so nervous.

I don't know if I could have taken the safety off the pistol and pointed it correctly. So this is for the best. But yes, Christmas shopping is always one of my biggest issues every year and i have been known to really put it off to the last minute you know well yeah and you've already had to go to the mall 90 times because of the holidays and also and also because i want to go see that cute girl who works at the panda express. I'm not sure how old she is, but if I don't ever talk to her... Better not to ask.

Yeah, it's better not to ask, because then, you know... I go to the mall like three or four times a day. Nice. Sometimes she's handing out samples, and I can get real close to her and smell her fingers. Oh, God. Yeah, but the issue is I have to go do a costume change because they know

that I've already had my fair share of Kung Pao chicken. I love them all. I love them all, too. You've been spending that much time at the mall. Don't spend the rest of your free time waiting in line at the grocery store. Just get Factor, America's number one ready-to-eat

meal delivery service. Oh my god, Factor is Factor. Factor. Rain's number one ready-to-eat meal delivery service. Oh, my God. Factor is Factor. Factor. Rain season. They'll get you eating well for breakfast, lunch, and dinner with chef-prepared, dietician-approved meals that show up right at your doorstep. Yeah, they have one that's, they have an anti-gout flavor for lawn.

They have a diarrhea-proof meal for me. And also, I heard that, Becker, you learned that you could cook your... They said that you were cooking your factor meals on the hood of your car when your heat went out, right? Yeah, mealtimes just take two minutes. You can do it on the hood of your car or pop a meal in the microwave or on a skillet. Heat it up, and you're ready to eat. Okay, so I don't like that they say skillet. I feel like they're talking down to our demographic.

I don't know if Bad Friends Pod is being put the skillet stuff in there. Hey, you know when you and the other drifters are gathered around that flaming barrel fire underneath the bridge? Well, Factor meals are perfect to cook right there on a grate made out of a shopping cart skillet come on factor they know that i'm not allowed to have a microwave because

i will be 500 pounds immediately right and also you keep standing near it with your pubes right there to see if you can cook them off. They also have a ton of options. Choose from over 35 meals every week. We're almost a ton of man on this pod, so that's good for us. This definitely beats eating those three-day-old leftovers you have in the fridge. Oh, God. Factor, look. What are you doing what are you doing to these great people who

support your product by coming at them with the fucking sideways eye they're just saying if you have a bunch of books in your microwave and you can't use it because you're an insane person yeah with a homemade lunch shirt yeah if you're if you're If you're very busy from combing that doll that you call Nathan's hair, we gave listeners our hair as a Patreon gift early on. So yeah, it's possible that somebody has done something weird with it. Yeah. Something real weird. Well, when you're done being weird.

Head over to FactorMeals.com. Real quick, Becker. I wish we didn't have to say this every episode, but please don't fuck the hair. It's true. Those little strands are going to get in your urethra, and then you're going to be like a clown pulling the rags out of your mouth, but it's actually the tip of your penis with lun's hair so so head over to factor meals.com slash chubby 50 and use code chubby 50 to get 50 off that's cub that that's code chubby 50 at factor meals.com slash chubby50 to get 50% off.

And don't forget to read the small print. Not legal in America. Not technically food. Mostly turtle meat. Let Factor be a factor in your life this holiday season. But remember, none of the meals are kosher.

And that's their rule, not ours. But they've drawn a fine line in the sand there. No couscous in these Factor meals. No couscous. No quinoa. No baba ganoush. Lon, you should get on the Factor

to do battle with your body that's in mutiny. Yeah, Factor could save the day. But then you have to send a drop of blood. I don't know if you knew that. With every box that you get, you have to give them a little... It's a little vial. You prick your finger, and then you fill up this little vial. It's like barely a quart.

It's like that big. No, it's like a half a pint. It's like a before and after of that guy's cock. They don't say what they do with it, but probably better that we don't know. They make sure there's no Ashkenazi in there. I have Ashkenazi in me. Oh, no. Factor will not be pleased.

Factor demands blood. Pure tribute to Factor. No blue-eyed Mexican blood, please. That's something Shane Torres said in Knoxville. So here's the thing, too. I think this will be one of our last Zoom episodes ever. No, you keep acting like you're just going to be sitting in La Junta waiting for us to come up. You're going to be gone all the time. I'll be with you.

So, yeah. So, actually, you're out. I wanted to tell you this later. Becker's been working on a hell of a 20. Fuck off. Getting it tight. Yeah. So you guys actually have to fight for the opening spots now once my foot is healed i can fight yeah so you'll never

be able to fight again it's all no it's healing that thing's coming off i'm gonna be wearing it as a necklace by march it's not turning purple shit no but I'll be driving down to Trinidad because I'm moving to southern Colorado I'll be driving down I'll be doing these face to face in Becker's new podcast studio he put in his home there's no heat

we're just going to be shivering the whole time the heat's back I got it fixed it was just a fucking nightmare week and it was expensive to get my furnace repaired. Well, maybe if you quit buying 1932 Model Ts, then you would have some fucking liquid assets laying around, slap nuts. I did also get a truck delivered from Washington, D.C. yesterday. Jesus Christ, what truck delivered?

1950. It's a replacement for the one that my dad got hit in. Another one that doesn't work real good? No, it's the nicest one I've ever seen. I don't deserve this car. Yeah, you don't deserve any of the nice things you have, because I don't know where you get money from. Everything's going down. The Buick was $2,500. I get shit that nobody wants. You get what you pay for.

Yeah, dope shit. You can put it in your backyard yeah you can make it probably gonna put a plant the totaled one is probably going in my backyard yeah yeah you know what's going in that flatbed is lun's corpse after that fucking uric acid works its way back up into his blood little Little Trinidad mausoleum. God, I would love to just drive around Lund's corpse. I don't want you to pass away, but when you do, I'd like to do a little barnstorming tour of the Midwest. Just have you back there. Let people come out.

They can blow raspberries on your cold belly. Oh, God. Yeah. Like in the old west when they propped you up when you were dead that's right yeah so people could come over and slap you one more time with their good glove blow weed in my ear

yeah so anyway these are going to be face to face for the most part moving forward with Becker in the room so that'll be nice yeah that'll be very nice you know what else is nice? it's joining a band's Patreon. Look, guys.

We have a Patreon. It's patreon.com slash chubbybehemoth. You get on there. You put in your grandmother's credit card info. It's five bucks a month or 20 if you want some fucking pubes in the mail from Lund. I'm sure he's been sending those out to everyone. He's maintaining his schedule. And join the Patreon so we can get Becker out of this terrible job that he hates so much and is ruining my schedule.

Maybe he can buy a 99 Accord and get around more reliably. Yeah, you can quit driving around these fucking remnants of a simpler time and just get a car with heated seats. Dude, Shane's got a Mercedes and in the passenger seat and in the driver's seat, when you turn, it like cradles you on your abdomen. Like the sides of the seat like grab you so that you don't, I don't know, flop over and accidentally blow your buddy while he's driving. No road head. like the sides of the seat like grab you so that you don't i don't know flop over and accidentally blow your buddy while he's driving yeah no roadhead the anti-roadhead measures in these

mercedes are crazy it's puritanical yeah and it's got four-wheel steering he got a pretty he's got a sick whip but yeah please join our join our Patreon. Jesus, we want to get to 1,000 so we can really go off king. And hey, if you join before the end of the year, remember, we are going to be putting our entire Patreon check on our classic Super Bowl bet coming up here in February. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's going to be a big boy this year, dude. That's going to be a real nail-biter. We're not going to do the whole thing. Yes, we are.

No, you don't get to say. I say. I haven't taken a penny from that thing, but this is the only thing that I ever ask for, is for you guys to trust my wagers. We'll work on it together. You know what we should do? We should bet the over-under on how many toes Lunn loses by February 8th.

Where are you going to be for the Super Bowl? Fucking with you. You're going to come up to La Junta and watch it in the big old house. Yeah. It's going to be sick. Join that Patreon. Come see me January.

First weekend of January. Fourth, fifth, and sixth. Zanies. Those tickets are fucking flying, so get those before they're gone. Dead Crow. I'll be there, too. Yeah, I'll be at the Dead Crow Comedy Club.

I have a whole list of dates. Actually, I don't know if I'm doing Dead Crow. I'm doing a couple of the... You don't know shit. I'm doing a couple of the Burt Kreischer Stadiums with him. You don't know where you're going to be. Yeah, dude, that's going to be fucking weird. SamTalent.com, Fort Collins,

there's like 10 of tickets left for that christmas weekend show so get those graylee i'll be up there the 21st lund where are you gonna be oh yeah in the flatbed of that truck sooner than later lucha libre and laughs january 12th hopefully no wrestlers attack comedians. Yeah, I'm going to try and pop into that one. Okay. Uh-oh, everyone. It's hot piece of ass Denise, everyone. It's Emily's aunt, everybody. Watch out.

Auntie D. She has to do her web show on this webcam here. Take those shoes off. Oh, God. Alright, guys. I love you. I'll talk to you soon. Bye.