Chubby Behemoth - Sam Dreams Of Outdoor Living

Episode Date: December 10, 2023

SPONSOR: Support the show & get 20% off & free shipping at https://www.manscaped.com when you use the code CHUBBY BONUS EPISODES: https://www.Patreon.com/chubbybehemoth   This week Sam and Nathan talk about what not to do with a Q-tip. They get into the Whoopsie Vs Toasty debate, ripping pants, and Sam living outside. Nathans talks about his new one body, one grave policy. Should they be watching more network TV?      Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth

My fucking wife, yeah. Everybody's fucking my wife. Everyone can get some. As long as you putting it tight. Creech has an open pussy policy. I was talking about your wife. No one bangs my wife. This song is by you, yeah.

Wait, you're doing my voice. It sounds just like me. So we've got just endless bevos right here. This is huge. You have six bevos. Yeah. I have two. I got a little coffee.

I got a little wah-wah. You've got a klarbrun, the SS's favorite sparkling water. Yeah. Mengele's choice drink. I came in and had some SunChips and some hummus and some little cheese balls and then cracked an Izzy, a Klarbloom, had a coffee, and now I got my backup coffee right here because I believe in staying hydrated and cheesed up during the pod.

And people say sun chips those aren't good for you and i say uh check the data who says they're not good for you people who know about nutrition nutritionists yeah people who live to be 105 people in green zones as we say well i trust my mouth and my mouth says gimme gimme sun chip time i trust my mouth. And my mouth says, gimme, gimme, sun chip time. I trust my ass more than I trust my mouth. Because my ass will tell me if what I had was too spicy. Dude, I had pho here on Tuesday. We're in Madison, Wisconsin.

I've been here for a week. I had pho here on Tuesday, and I went to ride the electric bike back to the hotel, about a 20-minute bike ride. That was a real nail biter because that fog gets in me i drink the broth and i load up with the exo sauce so i can dip not in the bowl i'm not a fucking plebe so i'm dipping i go through about four little saucers full of exo sauce and then about five minutes on that bike ride it's a race against your own butt and pants treason this was the same ride where you were surprised stoned oh dude i've been surprised stoned a bunch it sucks

yeah shout out to the super fan who fucked you yeah that this dude no claire is like hey you got lee you want to smoke some new mexico hash and i was like i have to drive three hours back to madison no i've already had seven beers all right i'm fine i can't put any hash in this i don't want to be reckless and then all of a sudden uh he takes my rolling tobacco and then out of nowhere hands it back says put some hash in there i was like you put it in loose and he's like oh you'll be able to tell and no so now I've rolled cigarettes the last three days. And every now and then, it just smells all like incense and peppermints. And I'm fucking blasted out of nowhere at 2 in the afternoon.

What did incense and peppermint sing? Summer breeze? No, the song is, incense and peppermint, strawberry wine. Everybody's grooving and everything's fine. Ride the magic carpet back to Shangri-La The Taj Mahal That's a good one. It's a great song.

But yeah, you were high as hell, freaking out. Where do my feet go? What if I'm the bike? Do ears listen? Is it the tiny hairs that are actually doing the work? Oh, Celia, you line my lungs. Remember that song? No.

Okay. So we're here live. We're going to be doing commentary on the Army-Navy game. It's a real, this is me after pho on the bicycle. This is a nail biter. It's 7-0. The teams have accounted for four yards of passing here right at the beginning of the second quarter. And what everyone wants to know is how many of the people in the stands today will be acquitted of war crimes. How many of these people will have to go in front of a military tribunal and say, I was just following orders?

What percentage will have dead eyes when they come home and can't play with their kids because of what they've done? What percentage will flip out every time a doorbell rings? Who's not going to be able to sleep without a pistol underneath their pillow? Who's going to go to the other side and not come back? Who will family annihilate? And when they do,

how many people will they take with them? Dishonorable discharge. That's when you come on the flag while wearing your full military uniform. I was just following orders. He said I needed to make 50 stars. God, I had a second person critique my universe shirt. Those aren't really stars, man. This fucking guy.

There's not really stars on there dude oh wait there are a couple but the rest is what come yeah you got my ass also we have a fan here who's a cop it's a real mixed bag i don't mind the cop guy because i think that i'm gonna need a way out of some trouble that i get into he's got one way out and it's fa family annihilation he's gonna take them all with him. Because God forbid they get to live a life without him around where they could thrive. That guy's been to see me do a bunch of shows in Milwaukee and surrounding. Good guy.

And he just has cop body. He's just like somehow whiter than he should be. Yeah. It looked like he was wearing like a bulletproof Columbia jacket. Yeah, he had shoulder pads on. He was wearing a helmet. He looked like he was wearing like a bulletproof he had shoulder jacket yeah he had shoulder pads on he was wearing a helmet he looked like road warrior animal his face was painted he was nuts yeah he kept saying what a rush that's hawk dude we filmed a big special last weekend in natty down there nat way big naturals um people are trying to figure

out where is it going to be when will i be able to see it you'll be able to see it december 26th and i'm not going to tell you where but uh it's going to blow your fucking mind onlyfans.com everything is going to change when i dominate the only fans platform you did i think it was a good move to cover your bases because you know different strokes for different folks. You did a couple of your sets clothed and a couple nude. So you have the option. If you want, you can check out Sam's entire body on full display.

At the end, he turns around and bends over, touches his toes. And a little flag shoots out of my butt that says bang. Yeah. So if you want, you know, if that's your thing, then you can go to OnlyFans and see that. And if you'd rather Sam have more clothes on than the original, then you could just kind of maybe scribble some on or black out his body. Well, I did the Sunday show completely nude but wearing sunglasses. Sunglasses. so no one's

gonna be able to tell it to me no one will be able to tell it's my body i got to see 90 of you when you first opened the door to your hotel room wasn't that fun gag it was fun the little towel it was a good time one came to the door i opened the door while having just a little tiny tea towel over my genitals everything else on display and rugged. I also had, you know what would have been funny is if we both would have done that. You think that you're going to get one over. I mean, you open the door. I'm in the hallway.

Just a little rag covering my tiny guy. Or if you had like a little parasol, like a drink umbrella that you put in like a cocktail on the beach. And you're there just holding it. Or it's in the tip of your urethra. Penis colada. Oh, God. Yeah. Remember when Kevin O'Brien dug out the tip of his urethra because he thought he had a UTI?

No. So he put a Q-tip in there and he was crippled for like three weeks? No. Oh, my God. What a dipshit. Yeah. He's like, I know how to take care of it old man DIY urology

Yeah and he just put a fucking q-tip With like lye or bleach On the tip Yes in the tip of his crank Not lye Maybe bleach I think it might have been saltpeter or something Simple green

Yeah dude God that was one of Kevin's big ideas. Mr. Clean. Dip a cutie in Mr. Clean. Wee-oo, wee-oo. Little chimney sweep. Detergent. Skin-a-ma-rinky-dinky-dink. That's wild.

I don't remember that, but I do believe it. Yeah, it was nuts. And then Mara was complaining. She's like, I haven't been dug out in a couple of weeks. Sam, it was nuts. And then Mara was complaining. She's like, I haven't been dug out in a couple of weeks. Sam, you're looking pretty tasty. I'm like a starving woman being offered a big ham. Why don't you come over here and glaze me?

Can you glaze me? Can you change me? What was that guy's name in Meet the Fockers? Jeff? Greg. Greg. Can you change me, Greg? I've got a butth? Jeff? Greg. Greg. Can you change me, Greg? I've got a butthole.

I wear a diaper. Can you change me? Whoa, stump cowboy on the TV screen. Missing a leg. Oh, shit. She's a veteran. She has a stump. They make her crawl up the stairs like a dog.

They don't make her. She just crawled up the stairs on her butt like a reverse crab creature. It doesn't mean that somebody made her do that. It means that she wanted to do that. She has autonomy. She didn't want to have to go up like the exorcist. Maybe it wasn't in war. Maybe she had body dysmorphia, and she's like, this leg's got to go. Yeah, this leg's a boy and I'm a girl.

Get out of here. This leg belongs to MC Hammer, not me. I have no connection to that leg. Holy shit, dude. She has that cowboy hat. Oh, David Robinson is there. Of course. But he's cheering for army. You know, he's gay now. They're calling him the rear admiral thank you that's what you're this pervis mcmahon we got a guy with the last name of pervis and he's just out there he's just allowed to play we got tesca pervis heidenrich i put a little prop bedded on this game of one touchdown pass and it hit so that rules but only But only one. Only one touchdown pass. Over.5 touchdown passes in this game. Oh, over.

Dude, you know what's crazy about running the wing tee? Is the center is on a four-point stance, which is very difficult to snap the ball while also having the other hand dug into the dirt. That's like a really tough thing. And it's only applicable to this skill set. So if that center somehow, if every other center in the world passes away from like a secret bug bite toxin,

then he's going to have to go play for every NFL team. Okay, sorry. Let's talk more about how that lady didn't want to crawl up the stairs like a dog. Lund, wake up. What happened? Lund, Ian's pizza is here. I wish. Let's get a couple pizzas a couple pizza pies do you think pizza pie day

I'm starving you're starving I'm hungry you ate a yard of twix a couple pieces of sushi I kept it light and breezy the best thing you can do if you're ever going to hang out with Lund

in a situation where one of you has to order is let lond order because i would have ordered maybe two rolls you know sushi you would have ordered one roll for you and one for me i wouldn't have gone absolutely loco i didn't go loco you had the contagion rolls and guess what we ate them comfortably over the course of a few hours and and it was delightful. No. Last night after the second show, we were like, all right, we got to do it. And we ate the rest of them. No, it was great. I did a good job.

I'm glad I didn't get eight. I thought about getting an eighth, but showed a little restraint. Saved the club a couple bucks. The club pays for everything. They have a pop-a-shot machine in here, a pool table you can see behind us. I'm not leaving. I'm just going to... Hey, Creech, suck it.

Hey, Creech, squatters rights. I'm going to be here. You're going to be all right. I'll send you money. I'm going to pose as a statue in this room. I'm going to watch everyone. You can be Zeus. I want to know who that is.

I think that is Hera. Big old bust of a... I'm guessing an ancient greek was he a diddler was he a pedo is it okay because it was for bc or whatever it's because they had like more open-minded ideas for what and was not a crime everybody pedo everybody bangs boy oh. What about the revelation last night that we have been fucking up the Mortal Kombat line? We thought it was whoopsie. Just like everyone else who's not a complete virgin dork. Rich DeMore says, actually, he pushed his glasses up and he said, well, actually. Hey, guys. I forgot my spreadsheet.

I hate to burst your bubble, but it's actually toasty. Toasty. Everyone. What the fuck? Words are always in flux. They have new meanings all the time. What does that mean? I'm curious if there was also like a previous iteration where it was whoopsie.

I don't get it because I don't know. I played the shit out of those games. This is erasure. This is mandela effect dude this is erasure this is real yeah this is a race we're being a race i'm sick of being erased by people i'm real i'm real damn it there's not a big enough fucking broom to sweep me under the rug i bleed blood i pooped shit one time i pooped blood that's what i get for eating all that shit what's happening here uh time to take your pills oh what's that audio call from a strange number hello yeah you should answer it hey good what's going on i'm podcasting let me call you back it's all right james mcmahon

everyone who's jimmy mcmahon uh james mccann is a comedian moving to america from australia from australia and he won't leave you alone that's right james take the hit hey why don't you google how to make it in stand-up in america and then figure it out yeah just get richard belzer's book like all of us and dress like a priest in blackface did you read belzer's book no fuck no dude i never read one stand-up comedy book i read a bunch of improv books you haven't read any dave barry no i haven't either he wrote like 15 books some people love them yeah and they were all about like a crocodile who steals an atm in florida somehow i don't even know if that's dave barry wrote mostly about Florida.

Cause he wrote for like the Miami Herald. Oh, okay. Remember he had his own show. Dave Barry had a television show starring the judge from night court. Hmm. Okay. That white guy where he like wears the weird,

like inspector gadget hat. Now, Harry, Harry was a character's name. Yeah, right. So Harry had his own show where he's Dave Barry, and he's just opining on what's going on down Florida way.

And he's sassy. No, no, he's over it. He's always reading a newspaper, and then his daughter would be like, a chimpanzee stole my balloon. And he'd be like, that's monkey business. I'm laughing. I'm laughing. I can't wait. Give me more more i hope there were a dozen seasons there was a bunch of weird fucking sitcoms back in the day wings i watched wings non-stop

it was about a regional airport somewhere in new england wings is very funny tony shalhoub was in it yeah yeah he was like the airport killer he was was a creep. Yeah, that's right. It was the dark. He was the villain. You have to have a bad guy for a little tension, you know. If you become the villain, you get to be the hero eventually. Wings, yeah, wings are solid. This is funny to me. So the Army-Navy game, they always cut to the different divisions

who are placed around the world. It's like these guys all just worked like 24-hour shifts on the border of Poland with Ukraine. And they're like, wake up. We got to watch the worst football game of the year. And they're like, I'm out of bennies. What am I going to do? There's not enough coffee in the world.

I miss my kids. And then they have to stand at attention and salute for the national anthem as their eyes are like twitching. They're just covered in blood. They're coming back from patrol. Wake up. You guys have to be our puppet. This is for national security.

A lot of these offensive linemen can't ride a horse because they're too big. Oh, yeah. Don't put a horse through that nightmare. Save a horse. Kill an offensive line. Ride a lineman. Yeah. What else? through that nightmare save a horse kill an offensive line right alignment yeah uh what else it's still seven nothing so that's great i can't wait to see who ends up six and six yeah this at

the end of this dog fight no one's going to a bowl game why is the flag reversed on their arm that's not cool man that means you're in distress yeah well they are in distress you know it might be an ambulance thing where uh they want people to see it correctly in a rear view mirror oh nice nice stop by that cb it might have been the safety anyway uh people love when we are distracted by sports on the tv i know that much well look people like when we do live commentary on games that happened two days ago when this comes out we look good too this is shout out alec for the setup making us look real nice comedy a club on state makes every other club look like you just it's like you're at this club and then next weekend you go to a place and it's like they steal your shoes they put a bunch of fucking legos on the ground and they make you run through it. That's every other club experience compared to this.

Well, you worked your way up to the top level of clubs, and so, yeah, we've been spoiled. And I didn't have too many nightmare interactions, you know? Didn't do a lot of clubs before these. Yeah. But I know how bad it can be where like nobody talks to you when you come in you act like you're doing they act like you're doing something wrong yeah it's like you're coming in eating a drink or something or they charge you

and it's yeah it's like you're there to like do like forensic accounting and see who's embezzling money and no one trusts you right yeah i remember at I remember at the Looney Bin in Tulsa, they made me swallow a goldfish before they gave me the condo key. That is how we know you're cool. They just haze you. Yeah. I remember I did the Bridgeport Stretch Factory, and before I was allowed in, I was texting the booker, and he's like, send me a picture of your butthole

so I know that you're not a narc. It's nuts. What? Yeah. I had to send a guy a picture of my butthole. Are we going there next year? I don't know Because there's some

Big developments We'll see Oh yeah that's right You're going through puberty I am yeah My tits are coming in Second puberty Which I mean

You could make some money off of it Because I don't think It's happened before It happens every day Because of the hormones And the milk Second pubi You're gonna have a second dick

I would like to have An adult dick comes in. Hey, get out of here, little guy. Your kid dick falls off. I have to wear it as a necklace. 1926. Yeah. Imagine wearing a tiny dick as a necklace.

And you're like, hey. Yeah, just a little shriveler. You pull it out and you're like, hey. Second puberty came in. Who wants to choke? I'm a big boy now. Prepare to get gaped because this guy is no longer in service. No, that's not a sixth toe I had removed.

No, I wasn't born with multiple pinky toes. This is my baby dick. And now, check this out. A horse cock. Dude, last night on stage, I had a rip in my pants because I was totally just letting those pants wear and tear. I told you, I've been in them for 10 days straight,

unwashed, punishing them. The pants whimpering, kill me. Please, this is no fate for pants. Give me to a street person. Give me to someone with toxic diarrhea. That'd be better. His balls are eating their way out because his dick stinks so much. They're fleeing.

So yeah, but last night on stage, they ripped a little bit more. And I was like, oh yeah, I got to rip in these pants. And then I had to get in the front row, hold the mic. And then I went and stood as he held the mic to my dick like he was interviewing my crotch, and I ripped him real loud, and that was a big move. Yeah, big pop. Oh, people loved it, dude.

I was up here watching you on the TV, but I was talking to Megan, so I had you down real low, and I saw it, and I was like, oh, I wonder if it made a real nice sound. The way you reacted, I could tell it was great. It was perfect. It's funny to be on the phone with your wife just getting the shitboard out of you, and meanwhile you see your buddy on stage creating a viral moment.

You're like, oh, what's that? It was best of both worlds. Oh, yeah. George Michael rolled over. Talked to my wife. Watched you. Wait, how many seizures did Mama have? Shine bright like a diamond.

Hold on. Sam's doing something cool. Wow. I'm so lucky to be his friend. What did he do, Nathan? What did he do up there, Lund? He had a hole in his pants, and he ripped it, and now everyone's doing the worm.

Wow. We're divorced. What? Yep, that's what happened. Okay, thank you for yes anding. You won. I picked you picked you yeah you did pick me it's snowing in uh trinidad and that's your but not here update also the county coroners got he got busted because they found like several bodies in one, and one of the bodies might belong to, well, the

body belonged to the man, but it was a guy that was missing for six, seven months, and several people, his family were looking for him and worried, and he was like 80, and so yeah, it's pretty fucked up. It's so funny you guys just have loose corpses. I don't know why you- Just bury't know why you keep saying loose corpses. Yeah. Because there's not a coffin involved? From what I understand from the story you've told me,

they've just found a bunch of bodies buried six inches deep in the dirt somewhere. I think there might have been three bodies in one grave or something. Three in one grave. I think so. And you wouldn't describe that as loose corpses i don't know i don't know those are people with families that love them i wouldn't describe them as loose like change in your pocket you're taking a stance for these i just don't understand why you're like making fun of trinidad because of loose bodies and because this is the big news it's fucked up it's not silly it's fucked up it's incredibly silly to have random bodies and to that be in

the cover of the tidbits do you guys have tidbits yeah of course you do that's everyone gets their national thing uh i don't know we had it in elizabeth i think it's just like a small town way to solve like ads for the local pizza place yeah there's mutiny advertising tidbits no that was a scandal in and of itself because the dude that runs it is maybe a little bit of a grifter yeah and megan was like no we're good oh he he was like oh yeah we'll give you a free spread for a few months or something and they were like oh okay And then like seven months later, he was like, hey, so just wanted to get you caught up for the last four months. And she was like, I didn't want to pay for an ad. Yeah.

So it was a little bit weird. Yeah, but if you read tidbits, it rocks. It's the best. It'll be like in 1856, a dog was voted to be the mayor of Burlington, Vermont. And that dog waged war against Nassau, New Hampshire. The dog war claimed 1,700 casualties over one bloody week. I don't know how far this is as cool as that. In Reno, Nevada, it's illegal to be a woman.

That is true. I went to college there. Oh, yeah. It was dudes only. It ruled. A lot of keg stands and arm wrestling. Yeah. Playing grab ass.

I minored in grab ass. Right. You majored in Call of Duty. Counterstrike, actually. Counterstrike. That's right. Yeah, I'm old. You were ranked.

Pre-COD, we had Counterstrike. Pre-COPD, we just had Black Lung. One of my gamer tags was Madonna Wayne Gacy, which we just talked about. Marilyn Manson's band members. Yeah, because I liked Ginger Fish, the drummer. And you know how they all got their names, obviously, right? Yeah. It was like a sex pod.

The Marilyn Manson thing. Right, yeah, okay. Oh, yeah, he invented it. He was the... This is the best one. their names obviously right yeah it was like a Marilyn Manson thing right yeah okay oh yeah he invented it he was the this is the best one Marilyn Manson is the best combination of a sex icon and a murderer Madonna Wayne Gacy is a little forced uh-huh Twiggy Ramirez pretty good that one's cool because it just sounds like a guy who would sell you hash. Yeah. Yeah. You'd sneak some hash into your loose leaf tobacco. I mean, it's a nice thing to do on paper, but hash disintegrates,

and then you just have like little particles, and then you hit that flame to it, and all of a sudden you're just like, uh, you guys are dentists? The first show last night was all dentists, and a dentist threw up all over her party. 29 dentists were in the back. One woman just sprayed like a dentist threw up all over her party 29 dentists were in the back one woman just sprayed like a fucking sprinkler she was screaming yeah while buging just head back just a fountain of vom

but they couldn't boot her my boots She's like, shit! Fuck! My boots! My tits! Look at them! Yeah, and shit. They couldn't boot her because her husband was paying for 29 people. So a woman just threw up during my set,

and then they had to sit there in the vomit because otherwise the tab wouldn't get picked up. She had to eat it. Yeah. Eat your puke. I was on stage. You're like, eat your puke, dog woman. Slurp it up. Get her a spoon.

She loves it. Dentists eat puke. The whole crowd's cheering. One of the best things you said in that set was, dentists, huh? Yeah. You guys love to just look at decay your whole lives and then kill yourselves, huh? That's your thing.

Yeah. It was so funny. That's your whole thing. Did they like that? I don't think they liked anything. The crowd wasn't mic'd up here. No. So it was hard to tell how much things were hitting.

Well, I was up there just like, so it was weird. There was like 90 dentists and then- There were two parties of dentists. Two rival dental squads. 29 and 49 or something. Yeah, roving teeth collecting gangs took over the club last night. And then it was people who wanted to see me.

So I was, you know, it was like I was at war and I had a faction of droogs and then fucking, you know, tartar tasters. Yeah. But I don't think they liked me. And I told you, I was like, I'm not going to wait down here. I think I just ate it. And then you were like, stand by the door, say hi to everyone. And I did.

And everyone was like, you're the best. That's the best show I've ever seen. Thank you so much for coming to Madison. Yeah. I was like, all right. Pulled you back from the brink. You were going to come up here and listen to Linkin Park real loud by yourself. I was going to be crawling in my skin.

I was going to lay on that pool table and put the sushi on my nude body and have you eat it off well shit that would have been hilarious that would have been cool but no the thing uh that you have uh you've done that well you haven't done that to me like because i didn't think i did well but now that more people come to see you as opposed to random folks that'll just say like oh that, that was great. People who love the pod, love you, love your book. You got to say hey. Yeah, you do. Until it reaches critical mass where it's just too much and people are tearing at you.

Like Beatles style, like Jacko style, Wacko Jacko. Wacko Jacko. Just screaming and like crying. Then you have to bail after the show. You can't be attacked yeah we don't need you to be mark david chapman when people are ripping their ears off and trying to put them into my watch i want an ear give me a tooth give me your teeth we're here for the teeth give me that little penis around your neck i want a part of you yeah i don't know dude it's cool

people come then you retreat but yeah uh there were quite a few and i yeah there were quite a few people in that crowd that were not dentists that were criminals that were a lot of toothless people in there yeah people who yeah steal teeth from the dead railroad men highwaymen highwaymen yeah highwaymen get railroaded. Boxcar willies. Yeah, dude. God. Steamboat Johnsons. I have been just totally romanticizing the idea of being, well, I want to say like a cool washboard playing hobo who has like a top hat that he eats chili that he makes out of. But I've honestly just been like, you know, I don't have an address.

What if I just lived outside? What if I was homeless and had a tent? No one knew where I was until I showed up to the comedy club, like right before I go on stage on Thursday. You'd save money. Just no phone. Oh, what? Yeah,

just out there. No way to get booked? Yeah. Well, I mean, my agent has me booked. I go to a pay phone every Saturday to find out where I'm supposed to be the next weekend. I'm not saying I hop a train.

I still fly first class to the shows. But I get here, and I just have a bindle. And I'm like, can I do my scrubbins? I got to launder my garments. That's what I'm talking about. Yeah, OK. I mean, I go up on stage. There's flies surrounding me.

Yeah, you reek. You stink you stink really bad i stink so bad my shoes are mostly duct tape i go on stage i just eat an apple with a knife off the blade and do like mark twain-esque musings you know oh really the big river keeps on yeah i say it i spray. You get rewarded for it. Yeah. I'm up there. I'm sitting in a big wash basin. Scrubbing. I'm on stage scrubbing myself while being like, those mountains are bigger than the national debt,

pointing to a woman's breasts. Can I see them? I'm just up there sexually harassing women from my wash tub, and people are like, there's a new direction. This is weird. It's kind of folksy. We like it. Oh, they like it. Who's got the biggest pussy in the room? I don't have a house. I'm looking for new tent flaps. That'd be fun. So who out there's down to fuck me while wearing a mask. So you're also single or in an open relationship? Emmy's dead. Okay.

It's my fantasy, you see. This is act two. No, Emmy moved on. She's married to Shaq. Oh, God. She's married to Shaq. Can you imagine? And it just totally broke my brain.

This is the way that I've reacted to it. You're like the dude on the corner right now i'm out there i'm singing about sharks gosselaar no it's not i wish it was yeah i wish it was fucking zach morris but it's not it's some guy daniel johnston but not super talented madison's daniel johnston just troubled yeah violent uh-huh so i'm out there i'm just a total loose cannon people don't know if i'm gonna show up or not i keep missing weekends people are like can you talk to him nathan i'm nowhere to be found you will yeah they know where you are trinan you're reading tidbits i'm running tidbits you're running tidbits i take it over i do it right i would also i run

for county coroner hey everybody i'm nathan'm Nathan Lund. We've got to get these bodies together. They're loose. This should not be divisive, but I think that each body deserves its own grave. I don't think we should pile bodies on top of one another. Put stack in the bodies. Like my predecessor. And so I would love to be able to do a one-body, one-grave policy.

Also, my makeup game is on point. I will turn your uggo into a star. Who wants to bury a pig? Send him to heaven looking his best. You can't put lipstick on a pig, but you can put a little rouge on your Uncle Jerry and make him look his best before he goes to meet his creator. Look, if your daughter dies with an A-cup,

I'll make sure she goes into the ground with double Ds. I stuff them, I puff them. Sometimes if I have two bodies and I think I could do a little mix and match and improve both, I'll go ahead and do that. That's my job. And it's at my discretion to improve your loved ones. I have one body, but I won't stop from moving a hot head onto an uggo's corpse. And if she's stacked, I'll bury her with an ugly guy's head. Who cares?

Who cares? I'm the only one who knows. These bodies are mine now. Once they leave the funeral home. Maybe that's what the guy in the current corner thinks. These bodies are mine. You elected me so that I could lord over the dead as a living god. I'm the prince of dirt, and I decide who gets turned into what.

I am putting the puzzle together, and I would say I know best who should go where. Sometimes you stack them. Sometimes you spread them out. Go side by side. If it's a big corpse, let a little guy in there, too. I'll do a wing tee like i play for navy and i will run the damn ball six feet into the well not six feet probably about four feet because i get tired and look this press conference is about me running for county coroner i don't want to talk about

the whereabouts of the man formerly known as sam talent and now known as the Wash Basin Poet. Does he communicate with me through tidbits? Yes, he does. He takes out a quarter panel ad every week, and he tells me the coordinates of where he's going to be and where I need to be by what time. We're still doing comedy. I'm still doing stand-up. And the shows have not sold any better.

This is the best tickets I ever sell because people want to see a man just devolve into madness they want to see the train wreck i saw the sam t show in chattanooga he went up there and he just communicated like a dog he was like do you see the show where he had the parrot no sam t had a parrot and it did all his jokes for him. He trained it to speak all of his jokes. The Washtub Basin Poet. Yeah, I mean, I just think it'd be kind of cool to just sleep under the stars. That was their big play. That's crazy.

You're romanticizing a life without a home, but you've also been yearning for a place to call your own. So I don't know what you want, but you want it now. I'm a complex man. If I could break the hold of a domicile completely, because I've just been staying in hotels. And look, it's fun. I love it. It's nice to be out there. But God, if the only blanket that I had was the stars, and the only bed that I had was a cactus, if I could beat pain to the point where i'm living on top of a cactus that'd be fun gnarled i eat scorpions the snakes are afraid of me whoa that'd be crazy i'm talking about man you become poisonous yeah you develop your own venom well i've been reading rant so my whole world is just consumed by different neurotoxins which one is

that rant's the one where the guy is like addicted he has rabies and he's addicted to like spreading rabies is that right he's a big serial killer it's an oral history it's one of the better chuck books chucky p i feel like i read it but it's you probably did i think i read it too but i forgot about it and then i'm rereading it because i read fantastic land survivor is really good yeah mean, dude, I might go on a big Chucky P tear and just get back to my roots. Choke? Choke is killer, dude.

I mean, Ghost Story is like the greatest. You ever read that one? Yes. Yeah, it's the... It wasn't called that. Is it called Haunted? Haunted, that's right. Yeah, it's the anthology.

Ghost Story is by Peter Straub, and it's very good. Yeah, man, books, man. They're out there. You can read them. Books. Chew on them. There's no law against it. Chew them up.

They're just wood. Books. Read them. These are fancy trees. Seems like if you liked chewing on toilet paper, you would have also enjoyed maybe ripping a page or two out of a book. So I didn't want to talk about it, but I did eat half of a Goosebumps book once.

The beginning, so you didn't know what was going on in the second half. It was a real cliffhanger. No, I ate every other chapter. I was like... Like Naked Lunch. Yeah, exactly.

I was like Burroughs doing pastiches. You're like Joe Burroughs. Yeah, I love Joe Burroughs. Author of Naked Lunch. Yeah, Joe Burroughs, Junkie and Queer, those are great novels he's like everyone who's not a bangle is a queer and i'm a junkie for football my face is so pretty if you put a wig on me every dude would want to fuck me they did that thing where they did the face swaps do you remember that the yeah the the lady pretty

lady versions of nfl qbs trevor lawrence was just the same and i was like uh check please would yeah i have wood and i would and i would uh check my undies for peter marks please i'll take a salt peter and a vinegar Pete. And here we are at halftime. Army 10. Navy 0. Yep. Just the way that God wanted it to go. God's an army, man.

All these guys. All these fucking guys. They think they're doing the right thing. They changed their last name to Army. Oh, wait, no. They bought in completely to the system never mind the navy people get to have their last names they get to be an individual but the army people are like we are army we have no name i'm only army i'm a selection of numbers and i exist inside of a hand, and that hand squeezes. My arms are guns, and my legs are grenades, and my dick is a tank.

And my wife is hiding from me. Yeah, my wife's a hobo, because she knows I could find her if she had so much as a street address or a hotel that she stayed in for more than two nights. If I had a strand of her hair, I could get her anywhere in these 48 contiguous states. I joined the army so I could finally see my kids.

I'm going to track them down. NCIS Sydney? This is why we got to watch more network TV, dude. No, no, no. Yeah. No. Whoa, black guy shopping for a truck? Hey, get us a truck.

Muslim sales associate? what's going on here man there's no white people in this commercial what the fuck this sucks and you know you can't have like uh just a regular uh you know couple now you can't just have a monogamous male female couple so in this commercial we have a you know a middle-aged black guy and then he's married to a little boy that we're seeing here i don't think that's what was happening was it his son you know a middle-aged black guy and then he's married to a little boy is that what we're seeing here i don't think that's what was happening was it his son you know what that just made me think of roast beef markley motors the commercials i did that ladies ladies roast beef was past the expiration date dude that was so funny ladies pussy stank dude it reeked we get into a brand new car and it doesn't smell like leather.

It smells like Vajay, like 54 year old vagina. Wasn't she the owner's daughter? They were all family. So they're just in there. Yeah. I don't know that there was like a, a patriarch,

but it was definitely like, there were like three siblings yeah that that ran things yeah they're like jessica we know that's you she was very nice yeah but yeah it was like oh so we're just gonna not say anything about this for sure i mean how could you but you know what's funny about that how could you my grandpa could tell which one of his kids or grandkids had dumped he could tell by the smell whose dump it was. Yeah, because he was wiping you all. Well, he would wipe us, yes. But then even as we got older, I remember...

Oh, yeah. Just going into the bathroom. I came into my grandpa's house and I was like, oh my, it was like my grandpa was there with my grandma and my Aunt Theda and her two daughters. And I came in from after school and I was like, because the bathroom was right in front of the front door. You open the front door, the bathroom's right there.

I was like, oh, it stinks in front of the front door you open the front door the bathroom's right there i was like oh it stinks oh my god who was that and my grandpa goes that was alita damn yeah he was good he was the best in the bed that was his that was his superpower well my grandpa literally was like a fur trapper during the depression my grandpa was a hobo who would ride a train to philadelphia and work in a textile mill and then he would come home to drop off his check to his evil aunt who took in the kids for the money the government would pay after his mom and dad died so he would come back from philadelphia and he would show up and chester and ted would be there and then he would take them out trapping and they would get like skunk and foxes whatever they could get in the missouri kansas wilds and then they would skin them and

bring them back and sell them in town my grandpa was like an expert trapper and he had a nose like a fucking bloodhound yeah that's pretty cool he was the best dude i wish we could have my grandpa on the pod he was like a dog person but without the brain damage that's right yeah listen to the patreon you know what i just thought about is last night after one of us no but she's she's still goaded she followed me jacked it to her like two days ago holy shit sam hyde followed me on instagram and showed it a gianna account yeah but i don't think she has an official one no it's not the official but but still that was a big day for me. So after, I think, the early show last night, Dentist Palooza, there was that young lady that said, hey, are either of you taxidermists? And we said no.

And she goes, you want to stuff my pussy anyway? And her husband went, okay. Oh, time to go there. All right, Janet, you had a couple too many cocktails. Might be time to skedaddle. Yeah, and then you were like, you know, that joke's good, but what if you said you want to stuff my beaver anyway? And she went, no.

Whoops. She didn't say that. Hit us with a toasty. Toasty. Toasty. What the fuck? What the hell? I forgot about that, and now I'm confused all over again.

I don't get it. How did we biff it that hard? I don't know, dude. It fits into the schema you have in your head of how things work. And all of a sudden, that's just a core memory. We agreed. It wasn't like we weren't sure or one of us was, you know, we weren't. I don't know. It doesn't matter.

We're all dead anyway. This is all just a simulation. We're all in Elon Musk's testicles right now, just waiting to get hatched. We got to get in that sauna again, dude. Me and London are sauna guys now. Oh, baby. Holy shit.

I practically had to drag you kicking and screaming into the sauna. You're like, why would I go into a sauna? I don't like being hot. I don't like sweating. I don't want to be nude with my best friend. And I said said get in here and i i got you in there and you complained we were in there for 10 seconds you were like oh so this is a sauna huh and i was like dude we just turned it on it'll heat up it'll and it was it

was great and i'm glad that you liked it i loved it dude it we i felt really nice it was rejuvenating look at rick new heisel dressed like we shouldn't doctor who we should indiana jones yeah mr jones it uh it would be cool if we could have this setup in the sauna oh my nude we're nude we're nude there's owls how about that little nine-year-old kid that came and swam by himself? Is he a tiny businessman? Is he emancipated from his parents, Drew Barrymore style? Is he so annoying? Is he such a little quibus that his parents were like, why don't you go swim unsupervised for a while?

Give us a break. Hey, why don't you put these lead ingots in your pants pockets as you get in the pool there? Here, take a bunch of quarters and go swimming. Yeah. And then whichever quarters are still in your pockets, you can spend on Mortal Kombat. Toasty. Yeah, dude.

I did not like that kid in there. And also, well, it's like me and you were in there. We're fine. No one's in there. And then young couple with baby comes in. Yeah, with two-month-old baby. Two-month-old baby, diaper is... Full.

Bulging. Your grandpa would have known who shit those diapers. That diaper right away. That's a huggy. That baby had peas and carrots. Yeah. And a little apple juice. Mm-hmm.

That mom snuck a cigarette. Virginia Slim. That mom is bottle feeding. She doesn't want to connect. Remember, she didn't really have them. She didn't have them. The baby was new. They were not full.

It's like, bitch. Where'd you get that? Pick a side. Where'd you find that baby? Yeah, exactly. Whose child is that? Because there's no milk in those bags. Whose child is this? That's's no milk in those bags. Whose child is this?

That's an old church song, I think. You know what's fun is when people are leaving the club and you're standing there receiving them. They're telling you that you're the best ever. Well, dude, yeah. You can clock who has them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, it's college town, too.

And it's tougher in the wintertime. When they're in that room, they come out, they're putting their they come out they're putting their jackets on which means their arms are back like this which means that the gals are on full display and you're like uh hey i gotta talk to you two for a minute there was an issue with your tab uh yeah i guess i missed a great pair thursday night i did not notice you and rich were, and I didn't notice because I was doing my job. That's the only reason I do stand-up. So I can clock six sets as they leave. It's so funny.

I love and hate seeing dudes checking out chicks' tits or at buttholes. Yeah, when they do the ZZ Top as the girl walks by and they're like... Well, it's not even that. I hate when it's... I hate... And I've had to like...

It's like a conscious thing that you have to make sure you don't have dead eyes when you check out. There's something that you can do. Like if you don't think about it and you check out a lady, you just look like you're fucking a serial killer. Yeah, when your mouth is agape and your eyes are scabbed over

because they haven't blinked and you look over and you're like, those pants are luckier than my mother was when I was born. It's just primitive, yeah. Yeah, I know, but that's okay, man. You have to still have light in your eyes and just kind of look around and then, oh, yeah, look. And that's all you have to do. And you can't stare like a fucking psycho.

But, yeah, guys will just be like. Dude, it's fucking. Be better. Yeah, hey, it's not like we spent last night Googling Wisconsin Badgers volleyball team topless. No, we didn't. We didn't do that as a group. We were told to from Katie, the staff. So bring it up with her.

The blood's on her hands. She made me look up Wisconsin Volleyball Topless. Yeah, and hey, if you're one of these creeps that wants to see a bunch of fucking Division I athletes celebrating the Big Ten Championship in the locker room with their tits out that's on you all right uh if you want to watch the three minute and 36 second video that's out there oh yeah go nuts from a total perv who was zooming in on the video yeah does the guy rating everything does he zoom the stills of the video just so you can go one two three four five six seven yeah he does

i didn't i i didn't watch it a couple times i didn't go back to the room and watch it on 0.25 speed i didn't do that i believe you yeah it was pretty cool though wisconsin badger volleyball topless how how many sports teams what is it like one in three are doing that shit after every other game yeah imagine if it was the men's basketball team they're they're they're having nude fun like whipping each other with their dicks from 12 feet across they're brothers they've gone through heaven and hell together and so you let off some tension by flopping down come out of the shower naked like Like the jockeys, they're dicking around, sack taps. Dude.

That's part of it, you know? Did we talk about those little jockeys on here? Yeah. We did? Yeah. I didn't look at their dicks. You did. Oh, for sure.

Pat had a camera. Patrick had dead eyes. Do you come here often? Cool dick. Yeah. Jockey cock is a real sacred treat. Not everyone gets to Clock those But I did

Yeah I didn't I was curious I was curious But it felt weird To just come in All of a sudden Like we were with John Hayes

Who knew everybody So that helped a little Lead singer of Flesh Mother But we're still Just like four dudes One of them has a Camera around his neck That he's pointing at people

He's breathing through his mouth His glasses are fogged He's super hard just like four dudes. One of them has a camera around his neck that he's pointing at people. He's breathing through his mouth. His glasses are fogged. He's super hard. Which for Pat? I don't know. I didn't want to be caught eye contact with a nude person and then they clock me going down to the junk area. That's why you got to be one of those guys

who can't make eye contact ever. I saluted them instead. Thank you, horse boy. Thank you. I'm a man. Sorry. Thank you, horse man. Thank you, horse cock Jones.

Hold me closer, tiny horse man. I think we have to do an ad read vamp. Ride the horse to the horizon. Put some pants over your huge dick Before the kids arrive And if you're tired of your dick not being fully prominent And visible from across the room Prominent

Yeah I wish my dick had ever or will ever be described as prominent I wish there was more stature to my cock. I have a background dick. You have an extra dick. Extras, yeah. No speaking role. Yeah, your dick just has to say watermelon.

You get 50 bucks to hang out the whole day. And you don't get any fucking craft services. And fucking Damon Wayans Jr. is the starring character that I cannot get around to get in camera. Your dick cannot make eye contact with Sigourney Weaver. But you know what you can do? You can give the greatest gift to your loved ones this Christmas. Family annihilation. Yeah, free them from this mortal coil.

Get them out of here. God forbid they move on and have a nice life without you screaming at them all the time. No, take them with you. Drag them. Three bodies in one grave. Trinidad style. Oh, fuck. It's a nightmare.

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That's wild. It's nuts, man. Yeah, and it says that there's not a neurotoxin. It says right here, I'm reading the copy. This is directly from Manscaped. That's wild. It's nuts, man. Yeah, and it says that there's not a, what's it say right here? It says that they do not have the science yet to catch up to what our deadly neurotoxin can provide. And you can get away with anything with it. Underline anything,

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Or if you drown your wife, then you can shave her pubes underwater. That's right. Yeah. Okay. But yeah, I'm saying we could fucking get it on in the hot tub. I shaved in the shower yesterday, and then I had to reshave in bed because I missed a bunch of patches. God.

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Holy fuck. dot com. That's 20% off with free shipping at manscaped.com and use code C-H-U-B-B-Y. Holy fuck. Support the show and use Manscaped because hey, it's Christmas and there's a lot of pressure on you to provide a big pile of gifts under the tree. And you know what you don't have to do that for? You know who you don't have to buy gifts for? Your parole officer. No, your dead family.

Their gift is eternal salvation in heaven. So Manscaped, kill your family. Their gift is eternal salvation in heaven. So, manscape. Kill your family. Lund. Taste death, live life. Lund, where are you going to be? I'm going to be home in Trinidad,

trying to get to the bottom of these crazy corner shenanigans. Do a podcast about it. Yeah, true crime. Yeah, because Becker's starting his car podcast with known master boarder Brent Gill. Cargo Fast. Yes, Cargo Fast. Check out Cargo Fast with Brent and Jakey. Which head wound and hairy.

I'm not doing shit. I'm laying low until we are in Chicago, Zanies, January 4th, 5th, 6th. That's right. Downtown Chicago, first weekend. Old Town. That's right. Downtown Chicago. First weekend. Old Town. Old Town. Mold Town.

The good one. Black mold. None of this little girl smile. None of this Rosemont suburb bullshit. And come on out, guys, because I'm going to be doing the new bathtub basin thing where I'm there. And I've got a big, long birch twig. And I just got like a...

The rag that I wash myself with is like an old-timey judge's wig. No, no. But yeah, the tub is painted with the stars and bars. Yes. And I say these colors don't wash out. So yeah, come to that. And then Nashville, Zanies, my God. I'm going to be there next Wednesday after three days down in Texas.

Going down to Austin Way to do a little promo for this upcoming special here. Slap around, Ron White. Ronnie wanna white? Say it, Ron. Say it. Say it once. See how it feels. Try it on.

Ronnie wanna white. Those are his last words. And then Rogan comes in and i'm shaving ron's pubes and he's like i get it man i get it you gotta kill god to become god all right i'll leave you the room joe's putty yeah i'm joe rogan it's me rogan eat that horse penis eat the whole cock. Chew it up. That's spaghetti. You got octopus in your pee hole.

Dude, you know what I actually want to do with my life is I want to make homemade pasta. And I want to make homemade cheese. And I just want to move into fucking somewhere in France and be done with this whole crazy circus game we call standing up comedy. You want to be the barefoot Contessa. I do, dude. I want to be married to Jeffrey. I want to have a gay little husband who comes on camera to drink my daiquiri that I make him.

And he always has a sweater wrapped around his neck, tied just perfectly. And he goes, mmm, this is scrumptious. Jeffrey's always like, did you watch that show? No.

It rules, dude. She'd always be like, mmm, it's Jeffrey's pool party tonight and all the boys are coming over and i gotta make sure that they have their favorite finger foods it's pigs in a blanket and meatballs anything they can all fit in their mouths and chew up and swallow they love it so let's make jeffrey and his little friends dinner and then jeffrey and the boys would show up wearing like you know fucking banana hammocks and be like a chase me she just had the gayest husband in the history of dudes yeah i loved that show she was so good at what she did i yeah she's just kind of a blob

woman amorphous she's not a blob woman that's how she self-described hi those were her pronouns blob contessa yeah welcome to Blob Contessa. Yeah. Welcome to Shapeless Contessa. Welcome to Where Did My Feet Go? They Were Swallowed by the Blob. Don't worry. I'll find them, honey. What's this slime? Is it from the blob or from the boys?

God, Barefoot Contessa ruled. And then, dude, the Cree- No, that was on the Food Network. Ina Garten was her name but dude what was the name of the fucking lady with the huge jumbos yeah you told me about her oh my god she'd be braless and like uh she'd be like gianna sorrentino i don't know but she'd be like whipping up whipped cream in a bowl without a bra on and just shaking them around and i'd be like uh i made whipped cream i whipped my cream mom don't come in i'm learning how to cook

on today's episode jeffrey and the boys are all getting matching tattoos on their lower backs and after they get out of there they're gonna need a spicy gazpacho she's very horny she's sexy sexy voice she's not not sexy you know and she'd be like okay boys come on in and they're just wearing ball gags and masks and shit no yeah it's like come off it after a crazy rule this gang. You know what the boys need? Hearty stew. Stew didn't make it. Potato leek stew. Stew couldn't come, but I did. My potato's leaking.

It shows his dick. It's huge and thick like a big old potato. And hey, if you like this kind of content, please join our Patreon, everyone. Oh, fuck, dude. Patreon.com slash showybehemoth. I forgot. There's a million episodes on there.com slash showybehemoth. I forgot. There's a million episodes on there. Get on the Patreon and then say Les Lund, you motherfucker. Hey, quit doing your podcast.

You can't read the comments, bro. I get notification. Well, I did read that one to you last night. Yeah, I had already seen it. After I shotgunned an edible soda. I had already seen it. Then I heard it. Then I read it. Then somebody told me had already seen it. Then I heard it. Then I read it.

Then somebody told me again in a letter. I reiterated it. Yeah. Yeah, thanks. Thanks for the constructive criticism and the feedback. That's erasure. Okay? We don't do that here.

I can't be erased. I can be annihilated. You have to have the amulet and good luck finding it. It's in a deep, dark cave. I swallowed it. That's right. It's in your cave. It's inside of me.

It's in your carapace. Because I got to keep him safe. Carapace. But yeah, go join our Patreon. Come on, goddammit. Come on, man. We want to get to 1,000. We're getting there.

We're scratching and sniffing. Yeah, we're right around 1,000. We got to get those numbers up. Patreon.com slash show your behemoth. Yeah, we're right around 1,000. We've got to get those numbers up. Patreon.com slash showybehemoth. Yeah, Chicago is coming up. Fort Collins, Colorado, the comedy fort a couple days before Christmas. Comes to me in Nashville. I just added Knoxville.

I'm doing a Don't Tell Knoxville next Thursday. You're not supposed to tell. Yeah, but, well, hey, who cares? And then also, how about this? I love you guys, and this? I love you guys. And I'm grateful for you guys. And thank you for coming out to all the shows and scaring the shit out of dentists. Because I appreciate it.

Keep on slamming a nath of mushrooms and then going to the show yourself wearing your ostrich boots. No. What were they? Snake? They were snake, dude. Snake boots. Hunter, dude. Shout out to Hunter, bro.

Shout out to Jared in Milwaukee. We love you guys. Good night. Adios.