Chubby Behemoth - Sam Is Haunted In Prague While Lund Is Holding It In

Episode Date: November 5, 2023

BONUS EPISODES: https://www.Patreon.com/chubbybehemoth   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth   Sam and Nathan discuss Sam's trip to Stockholm and Nathan's trip to Pittsburgh. They talk double dipping on meals and using Snus packets. Sam tells Nathan about an attempted afterparty and a little whoopsie he made in Estonia. Nathan talks about what a menace he was while staying at a friends house.

Yeah, so I'm in Prague, everyone. We're a minute 44 in. I'm in Prague, and see, the lights are back on. Because my hotel room is one of those European hotel rooms where you have the card slot next to the door, and you have to put the room key in it for the lights to stay on. And it isn't working. So the lights just go on and off sporadically,

and that will be going on for the entirety of this episode. So maybe when it goes dark, I can be kind of like, oh, and you guys can be like, oh, God, oh, it's so scary, that kind of thing. Okay. Yes. I'm for this. Okay.

How is the tour going so far? How's Europe? Europe's cool, man. Stockholm was frigid, but very nice. And we walked around, ate a lot of nice things. It's a canal city. Stockholm's a series of islands. I didn't know that. Here's what we learned so far on this trip. Well, we've had numerous lessons, but are we wise enough to comprehend them? That's the real question.

Those hop on hop off buses, those double-decker buses they have in every European city, turns out they rule. Turns out it's a very good idea. You go on the first day you're in like a town and then you ride around and you see everything and then you can make notes of like the parts of town that look cool and you don't have to just like walk blindly in one direction like we typically do when we're on vacation it's like we're here for four days today we're going north all right tomorrow we're going south and then we just break it up that way no you hop on the bus because i feel like it looks like you're a simpleton it looks

like you just came in from Corn Belt, Tennessee, and you're not creative, and you don't know how to experience anything. My whole life on vacation is just consumed with not looking like a tourist. I want everyone to think like I'm like a, you know. He said in his Estonia beanie that replaced your Paris and or Tokyo beanie?

Yeah, I know. Oh, no! Oh, shit. Watch out for the spirits. He's on the other side. Oh, it's me, Sam Talent. I'm coming through to warn you, Nathan. If you burp twice more on this episode, you're going to die.

No, burping's a good thing. It's healthy. Not the way you do it, dude. You gotta let it out. It's like you have a little man inside of you who's begging for death. Finish the job. Finish the job out there.

So you were just the ghost of yourself coming through. Yeah, to yeah so you're you're dead in a timeline or two no no in the future i'm dead i'm literally in the future right now it's oh it's it's eight well i thought it was this i thought it was a spooky a spooky darkness but it's a time travel darkness yeah i mean i'm sorry i didn't want to really blow the lead on that but uh yeah but that's scary too time travel is uncertain there may be consequences butterfly effect etc etc oh hey i'm back oh god hey oh hey what are you guys talking about it's 2023 i was making fun of you for saying you didn't want to look like a tourist

when you buy a beanie from wherever you are. Well, hey, real quick. You guys didn't get any news yet, did you? Did you guys hear anything about something that happened in Prague in the future today? No. Because I got a bad feeling. Did you break a bench? I got a bad feeling something's going to happen to me, and I don't know what it is.

You're probably going to get radicalized. Oh, yeah, dude. I mean, Estonia? yeah, dude. I mean, Estonia, dude. Okay. I've got some shit for you guys. Uh,

Stockholm. I did the show. It was bad. Of course. They're Swedish. Yeah. They're Swedish. They,

they didn't know how to laugh. Uh, yeah, it wasn't good. And also I didn't get paid. So that was cool. You got stiff. Stockholm style. Yeah. Yeah. I got the syndrome now was cool. You got stiffed? What happened there? Stockholm style? Yeah.

What? I got the syndrome now. Yeah, I got Stockholm syndrome. I wanted to put pencils in my ears and bang them in after the show. Yeah. I didn't get any money. No moolah. No scratchola.

We do kind of a performance-based payment system, and you failed, and so you get nothing. Is that what the guy said? We pay you an exposure. We will get you one extra hour of sunlight because we only have four a day here. But for every minute you perform on stage we will recreate sunlight

to get vitamin D in you so you don't become yet another startling statistic in Sweden. They love suicide here. That's why the lights are going off is that you didn't become yet another startling statistic in sweden they love suicide here that's why the lights are going off is that you didn't you didn't do a good job wait you're not damn it you're not in stockholm anymore fuck it falls apart uh never mind yeah but yeah i got there and it was packed he'd been using my name to promote the show he kept calling me mr talent and there was like a bar taste mr talent was so happy to have you it's a good show you're going to have a good time

this is the most people we ever have people are so excited they're hitting up the Instagram page they say you have Mr. Talent coming is his wife coming what will she be wearing can I sit behind her and whiff her head will it smell like dandelions

she looks like a dandelion girl has she been expanding or contracting as far as her breast tissue? Yes. What has the lack of sunlight done to her twin orbs? So anyway, they want me to go up first. That was their plan.

They're like, okay, I'll do five minutes, and then you do an hour, then we have break, then we do the other ten comedians. And I was like, well, let's not do that. Let's all just go up at the end and ten comedians. And I was like, well, let's not do that. Let's all just go up at the end and do the time. And he was like, oh, what a great genius idea. You're rocking my shocks, right? You have

rocked my shocks beyond belief. Mr. Talent, the shocks that I wear have been rocked. My shockahosen. My shockahosen have been rockenmassen. I thought that was... Is that an English thing? Rockenhausen.

No, the headliner goes up first. Yeah, they usually have the headliner go up first and host and then come back. Also... Oh, so that's not even what he wanted. No, no. He thought that I would want that because I'm like a prima donna.

He thought that I was some big American comic coming over there and swinging around my circumcised cock. I've been doing some questions on stage. No one is circumcised over here. What do you mean? They're all brown bagging. It's not efficient.

No, hold on. It's a waste of hospital resources oh god did you hear yeah you think i'm in trouble if i burp a couple times and then you let that happen yeah then your body your body puts out that sos yeah that was dot dot dash all in my undies that was morse code in my underwear. We're actually, I don't want to tell you guys, but I'm in the middle of a Vietnamese double dip right now. What? Yeah, we're flanked on two sides by Vietnamese restaurants. And we went and we had pho at one, and then we were still hungry.

So Emmy went to the other one and brought back to-go food. Hell yeah. Yeah. and then we were still hungry so emmy went to the other one and brought back to go food hell yeah yeah so no and i no and i uh double dipped yesterday in denver we wanted to do we wanted to do la beja and then buffalo bills wings and things because it's next door yeah but it was closed buffalo bills was closed so we went to popeyes's and it was uh not a I immediately went to sleep and that was probably because I hadn't slept much I had an early flight but I also went to bed uh full of chicken and torta here's a fun fact we were on the hop on hop off bus today through Prague and we went through the central square and there was a giant line and i was like what's that for is that for some like museum that has like the is this the shroud of turin in there what's going on no it's a popeyes there's a popeyes in prague and there was a line around the block oh man a new popeyes with european standards where their workers are getting paid what they deserve.

Yeah, they get paid in biscuits. I'll bet it's so good. Yeah, they get free sides. Yeah, free sides, all the dipping sauce they can handle, and one bus ticket back to the gulag. I, uh, at that Stockholm show, so we get there, he's like, this show's gonna be so good,

Gusenhafen, Muffenmafen. Oh, Mrs. Tammet. That's Etcetera in Swedish so good Gusenhafen, Muffenmafen that's etc in Swedish and Gusenhafen yada yada so yeah fucking old MT gets there

she gets a drink is it me? am I doing bad? I don't know. Becker hadn't confirmed, so I was worried it was me. Yeah, it's you. Go back to Estonia, bitch. Estonia had the best internet in the world. Lightning fast.

Yeah, lightning fast. There's only 14 of us. We don't have to worry about if there's too many phones on the Wi-Fi. Your wife can watch Bones and House at the same time on two devices, and you can still do podcasts. You can get on Kaza and download albums like you wouldn't believe. Yes. Lime wire.

We're still doing... We do lime wire. Stockholm. Also in Stockholm, they're like, yeah, big show. show so anyway they bring up all these comics you know they don't do that well and then they have the break and then he brings me up and there's a woman seated on a stool in front of the entire room everyone else is in low chairs and she is like clearly an augmented woman from even further eastern Europe. And she's seated on a stool next to a man who I immediately call a human slaver. And he winks,

you know, like he doesn't at all try to hide what he's up to. Yeah. So she's sitting up there with her, you know, giant stuffed breasts, just like a fucking parakeet in a cage. And I'm like,

do you want a regular chair? What are you, what's going on here? And she's like, do you want a regular chair? What's going on here? And she's like, do not address me fat man. No, she didn't say that. But that was pretty much the attitude of the whole night. And it was a fist fight. It was a fist fight through the whole show.

I tried to do crowd work with like four different people who were Swedish. And then thank God I found this guy who looked like Freddie Mercury, who was from Portugal. I ended up making him into my, you know, uh, son with,

uh, you know, adult onset down syndrome, whatever it may be. Uh, he, yeah. So that show was just like fairly brutal.

They don't laugh. They don't laugh up here. It's illegal to laugh. That sucks. I think I saw pictures of it and it looked like a cool room and there were a lot of people and they were all shoved in close yeah so so you would think that they would uh yeah let loose well the 30 of the room that was expats they were laughing and then the other uh you know all swedes that were there were just like it's like it's like a theater show where they like, you know, they raise their hands and you ask them a question. You get one clap.

And then they bow if they really like it. And then if it's like the best, if it's the funniest thing they ever say, they go, ah. Again, they're efficient over there. They're not wasting energy. In case a cold front comes in. They want to be able to conserve energy. You'd think they would touch more, though. But they hate hugging.

So it's just like... You're trying to hug people? You touch them, you can't embrace anyone. I'm trying to hug everyone. What, did you get wasted? Because after the show... Grabby? Well, hold on.

After the show, the host is like, if you want to take a photo with Mr. Talent, he will be on stage on display for all of you to hover around. So I stood up there and took like 12 photos with people who were like, you are a revelation. Finally, you have delivered what we call, what our ancestors referred to as laughter. You have returned it.

And we are forever grateful. And I was like, what the fuck? Why were you guys not laughing out loud? And they're like, we are told not to. As children, it is frowned upon to enjoy audibly. But thank you. I pissed my

pants with enjoyment and delight. It didn't move the whole time. So just don't hit this cord, Emmy. Are you going to eat? Are you going to eat on the pod yet? Are you going to try and eat, you psycho? I might eat on the pod. I don't know. You already ate.

I ate a bunch bunch and now i'm gonna eat more emmy went to the gym and i watched some football so it's time we earned it you know oh did you watch chief's uh dolphins hell yeah yeah i watched it it was good nice real good so after the show there was this guy at breakfast in our hotel who was like, Excuse me, are you Sam Talent? Oh, Lord, I thought it was you, and I confided in my gal here. I said, is that Sam Talent? And she said, who's that?

I said, that round chap over there eating his third helping of wet eggs. So this dude Ashley and his wife come to the show because they're fans and I get off stage and Emily's like you know Emily has Ashley's wife and a headlock she's holding Ashley's a flat cap over his head and saying jump higher jump higher you know so she says we're going to a Viking bar so we went to a Viking bar and proceeded to drink mead and Jägermeister until like 2 a.m. Jäger never went away over there. No, no.

I think the GDP is built on Jäger. So yeah, we got absolutely tanked. And then we had to wake up super early to fly to Estonia and then take a three-hour train ride. So I got to Estonia. And that show, dude, that was somehow even less filled with joy estonia was weird what yeah we went to tar too first which is the college town it's supposed to be like the free and easy armpit hair city of estonia and uh you know dreadlocked armpit hair. Dreadlocked rasta. Everyone there has heard rock and roll, you know, that kind of thing.

They don't know any black people, but they've heard rock and roll. Look at you. Look at you dipping. Sorry, Emmy's really going for it over here. Oh, yeah, slurp it. Slurp it, Emmett. Is she downloading albums on Kaza? Yeah, she's downloading this Tragic Kingdom over and over and over again.

It's a banger. Yeah, she wants to get the live versions of all her favorite No Doubt hits. So we go and we go to get a stamp, and the lady is in the tourist information zone. We're like, we'd like to get a stamp for this postcard. And she's like, why? It's like, well, I want to send a postcard to my father. Have you told him you're here? Yeah, he knows I'm here.

Then why would you want to communicate with him further? That's the attitude. What? In Estonia. For real? Yeah. They have a crooked house in Tartu and that's all they have. They have a crooked house

and that's it. That's what everybody's flocking to? You go, you look at the crooked house, you take a picture on the bridge that is very solemn and it's all eastern block. They were all... Estonia was controlled by the Russians until like 1993. They've had to fight for their freedom, like, six times,

and they keep getting it yanked away. It's a real I-got-your-nose situation, but it's their liberty and rights and autonomy. Food. Yeah. Got your food. Got your food, yeah. I'll bet you want your food back.

I want my food, but I'd be shoving it all. I, um... Yeah, we went to a restaurant, and the waiter just, like, forgot to put some of our sides in, and we were like, we never got our sides, and he said, yes, I'm aware. I did not tell the kitchen to prepare them. It's like, all right.

In America, that guy would have ran back there and came back with the cook's mustache and been like, here's a trophy for you. I'm so sorry. But they don't get tips in Estonia. And you know, it's just very bleak. It's a very bleak place. I'm glad you

did two shows there. I did that show in Tartu and the host went up and he was funny, but they didn't laugh. And then this guy, Ari, who's super funny, went up, and they didn't laugh. So I went up there and tried to do my thing, and they were smiling and nodding, but then they were a lot of hands over the mouth, so they couldn't laugh that loud. That classic thing. Harajuku style.

Harajuku girl, yeah. So by the end of it, I was just like, what's your favorite shape? I played that game with them. Some guy went square right away. I made fun of him for not going with circle because circle looks like boobs. Natch. Natch, yep. I kept telling them that in America, we call breakfast opposite dinner.

And they were like, interesting. Some guy pulled out a notepad, wrote it down. It was like they were sketching me. It felt like I was modeling nude in front of a bunch of art school students. Did you meet that dude, Joe Rogan? Estonian Rogan? He was on the shows with me. That's that Ari guy.

That's Ari. Okay, I was pretty sure. Shout out to Ari. He rules. What else did I say on that show? Oh, I would just clap after my punchlines, and then they would clap. I would lead them in applause for my own jokes. That worked.

Then I'd get off stage and write. And again, it's like, oh, my God, that was foretold. And Nostradamus said that in the year 2023, a round man would bring joy back to this place. And you delivered on his promises from his ancient text. What are you guys talking about? How do you guys show this amount of disrespect and then say I'm the best? So, Emmy didn't go to that show.

Did you, Emmy? No, no, she says. And then last night she got a massage. Emmy was so hungover on Friday that she was just, like, effectively dead. Did the massage release even more poison and further her pain? Yeah, it released poison she forgot were in there. It was knocking green tea shots out of there from 2004. That's two months ago.

2004? Oh, so yeah, her and Sophie slammed green tea shots. I forgot. 2004 was Jaeger time. Green tea is new, I think. I didn't know about it until a couple years ago. Working at the bar down here. Yeah, no.

It's just Sprite and vodka? Is that all it is? No. Jameson, peach schnapps, sour, sweet and sour mix. And if you do it as a drink, people do Sprite. I got the Estonian hat because i thought people might be like hey all right but no it's estonia so they don't look you in the eye that's like the most intimate thing you can do with a man they say to you i don't have any money yeah well please it's

just the thin blue line flag it's just look at that what Well, yeah, but it also makes me think of the black stripe that they put over the badge when there's a fallen officer. Yeah, I mean, this is the only black thing in Estonia is this stripe. There's 1.3 million people and none of them are of color. Yeah. Yeah. What? Oh, Emily's masseuse was of color i forget i forgot she got a rub down in tall inn instead of going to the show traffic yeah exactly emmy uh just profited off of human suffering yeah she played a game of i'll give you back

your passport after I come. It's her favorite game. She's here. She's here. We're crushing these edamame. It's vulgar. Spicy or no? No. Oh, dude.

So I'm skipping around a lot. I'm sorry. I'm fucking sleepy. Wasted. No, no. Sober. But we got in the cab this morning, Lund, at 6 a.m. in Tallinn to go to the airport. Guess what was blasting in the 65-year-old man driving our cab?

What did he have cranked at like 6 a.m.? Sweet Leaf. No. That would have been my intro music. Walk. No. I almost said Pantera, damn it. And then I would have said Pantera until you said 65. And then I went with, damn it. And then I would have said Pantera until you said 65. And then I went with,

damn it. Yeah, dude. He just said like, son is not crazy. Yeah. Just what the fuck? Well,

they, they used to tour Europe, I think pretty extensively. So that's cool. Yeah. Cause they share a lot of, uh, offstage interests.

Well, yeah. And they played Estonia a lot until that masseuse showed up and then they were like no you know i remember reading that phil said he regretted a lot of the shit that he said or a lot of the stuff that he said that was like racist or shitty he was like in so much pain and on heroin so not to say that becker was also racist on heroin. It's not just heroin. But the pain, I think, was he was very angry. And I don't know. Maybe I should stop apologizing.

No, no, please continue. And sell my apologies. I don't even know what he said. I just know that he got shit. And then I saw that he had apologized. But what are you going to do? I don't know. Probably not be racist. and then I saw that he was he had apologized but what are you going to do? probably not be racist

that'd be great for me if you guys could just isolate that and make it into some kind of boomerang but audio that would be fun damn it that's so weird that he was blasting Walk in particular and he didn't go to the show

did you walk up to walk no the night the night before no this guy definitely didn't go to the show you're not yeah you're probably not asking a sound guy to blast pantera for you no no i mean last night though in tall inn it was packed, to the gills, and the show was great. They were all in in Tallinn. Yeah, and at the end, I did, like, a Q&A. First question, where's Lund? No.

Oh, yeah, they listen to the pod. They listen to the pod, man. There was, like, five people there who were like, we love the pod. What's Becker like IRL? Thank God Becker isn't black. How can, yes, we could not enjoy the pod if he was a man of color. If he was a tree

imp, we could not have him. Also, Emmy just left. Still snoozing. She can't smell that? This is the same one. It's been in there for three days. God, that would be so gross.

I'm going on stage with these things in. I'm bulletproof. I'm seeing colors. They don't irritate your gums at all? I got sick of them. Oh, I can't feel my mouth at all. Well, yeah. That's better, I guess, than pain. But I got over them because of the...

Sometimes they would irritate and I'd have to dump them immediately. The trick is you just need to have some gum as well. Are they doing snooze too? Yeah, I've seen one dude do that, and he was dressed like rock and roll Santa Claus. He was a man dressed in full-on Santa garb, red and green, with a strange puffy belt.

He loved the show, and he was tapping out snooze. That kind of thing. Oh, good. Oh, no! It's me! Sam! Alive Sam is gone! This was the bit I was trying to communicate earlier, Lundund and you didn't follow

and i think becker did but becker's not talking today i'm dead sick uh too many of these things put me in an early grave the snooze you're gonna get i was too relaxed you're gonna get the evert surgery to get your lower jaw removed oh god, God. I couldn't pod with you. Yeah, you could. You'd have to. No, I would hate it. You're my only friend. You'd have to turn your camera off because I don't think I could look at it and be like,

yes, everything's fine. This is good. I miss my friend. I'd smother you. I would kill you in your sleep. I would. I would eat the pillow. I would have to pillow i would have a hole would be you couldn't chew i would shove it in kirby i would kirby that pillow hey oh hey oh what what happened the lights went out oh we did my jaw has been hurting have you guys heard anything? Uh-oh.

The prophecy. Sorry, when the lights go out, I kind of just disappear from this realm. So yeah, Tallinn was good. And then so they're like, hey, we're going to go to this after party tonight. Because Estonia's biggest comedian, Saunders, just filmed his special last night. And he's throwing a big party tonight to celebrate this show and his show. And I was like, sick. Bet, fam. Let's do the rock-a-doodle.

Because that's how I talk over here because I'm the blackest man in Estonia. So I told them, hey, hang easy. We're going to pack, snooze, and get loose. And fucking, so I ate a big pop brownie and uh told emily i'm like hey don't wait up for me and she's like who are you i don't care i've just been touched by a giant handed woman for an hour and a half just dude don't come home so i meet up with some of the weirdest dudes I've ever met in comedy. Saunders, who looks like Jason Melton, but skinny. Just like big beard.

He's wearing sweatpants. He's got a t-shirt. For his special? No, so he filmed the night before. And he was doing a wrap-up show somewhere nearby. Oh, I thought my crotch reeked, but it's the fish sauce. It's the fish sauce from this thing. Yeah, don't worry.

I'll bet your crotch reeks, too. Yeah, I bought new pants. I went to the big clothing outlet in Stockholm because I needed another pair of pants because I ripped the crotch out of the other ones I had. I only have two pairs of pants. They really get some wear and tear. So I blasted crotch on one. I was literally shelling Emily. I was like, these pants aren't going to make it.

And I was spreading my legs and then they ripped right there. She's like, you're so stupid. And your dick and balls came out flopping? Well, no, because my Sheath brand underwear, they were tucked in there. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I forgot. Sometimes you wear underwear now. yeah yeah i forgot sometimes you wear underwear now i do i have to wear underwear now because i'm always a second away from sexual calamity you're

always blasting your pants into oblivion i'm always trying to prove a point to my wife my pants are on their last legs literally and figuratively so i walk into the big boy store, and the lady's eyes lit up. She should have just rang a bell and been like, we're going to make rent this week, boys. We got one. We got one. We're going to eat.

Buy a goat. We're going to eat good tonight. We can afford it. It closed at 8. I walked in at like 7.55. She was mopping. And then she 8. I walked in at like 7.55. You know, she was mopping. And then she just threw the mop in the corner, brushed her hair back, spit on her palms.

What do you need, Captain? So yeah, I bought a couple pairs of huge pants. Oh yeah, so this after party. Sorry, I'm just kind of rambling because I'm so fucking out of it. This was yesterday, the after party. Sorry, I'm just kind of rambling because I'm so fucking out of it. This was yesterday, the after party. So I go and I meet the Estonian comedians who run Humor Kibili, which is in Estonia.

What? It's still recording. I'm good. I'm doing it on my side, right? Yeah. Yeah, but we couldn't hear you. Okay. Well, yeah, whenever there's a pause, just assume that I'm still talking.

That I'm rambling and totally lost on my own sauce. Now it's dark again. Oh, okay. This dark bit is not worth being in this hotel room. I'll tell you what. Emily was like, let's move rooms. And I was like, no, I think I got a fun bit cooked up.'s let's use it yeah I was like let's run with it when life gives you lemonades you fucking buy the sugar plantation so Estonian comedy has only been going for 12 years 10 of those years is in English

so they do Estonian comedy they do comedy in Russian and they do comedy in English and they just like print money and about three years ago they cut out all the promoters and these seven comedians the seven compacts as they call them and Ari and Saunders are two of them

just monopolized comedy and they took the power back and now no one does a comedy show in Estonia unless it goes through Humor Kabilia which is pretty sick. Oh, he was pretty sick and no one knew it. There were so many warning signs.

So yeah, they do this great thing. That was pretty flawless, not bad. So Emily's actually just standing by the light switch. This is her addition to the episode. She's nailing it. Yeah, she's doing good. Yeah, yeah.

I got something you can flip, baby. Don't wear out on that little nub. I actually don't know where she is. She's probably getting another rubdown from some Moroccan expat. The after party is supposed to be at this bar. It's the third level of this great bar and we're going to rock

and roll all night. Ari made a set list. He's going to be DJing. We get to the bar and we go up the third floor and the bartender is very confused as to why we go up the third floor and the bartender is very confused as to why anyone's on the third floor. And it turns out that the person who owns the bar is Saunders friend,

but he's a known drunk. And he forgot to tell the bartender that, uh, they were having an after party. So it was just the five of us. It was me, Ari Saunders, opener saunders girlfriend and another opener just sitting there as ari played this set list and we drank uh long drinks it was

really a sad display and you could tell that saunders was embarrassed he was like you know telling me how like he's the rock and roll monster man of fucking Estonia. But no one came to our after party at all. It was just us sitting around up there talking about how crowd work is ruining comedy. So that was a lot of fun. Is the long drink that Finnish thing that is over here in the States? Yeah, it's pretty much just like boozed up fresca. It totally rocks. it's for kids

okay yeah yeah it's like those pink camel cigarettes they used to have for girls who love to get finger on the bus but i don't remember those oh you don't camel number nines no becker remembers yeah it was probably that was right when we were in the sweet spot though that was like 16 to 19 years old for us. Yeah, Becker used to roll them in heroin and then give them to an unknowing sophomore. And once she was strung out and ready, he had a new customer on the line for the cartel. No, I wasn't wasting heroin that way. It's precious.

Oh, yeah. It's like when you try and do a so you had another weird less people than the the parking garage in paris yeah dude we're i'm over two cool dj parties abroad five people looking at each other yeah yeah it was probably nice right make the most of it oh it was great i got to talk about comedy with these people they were telling me about like how comedy works in uh the baltic states and it's fucking nuts man between them monopolizing comedy and promoting all the shows and they were like we live in i was like yeah i mean there was some there was there was a good turnout tonight and they were like there's 1.3 million people who live in this country and you had 120 of them and of the you

know those are the people who know about comedy and also speak english and they kept introducing me they would be like it's not very often we get an american comedian over here and we never get one who's famous so we're honored to have sam talent and i was like i'm not famous not famous at all and they were like there's more people who know about you than there are people in this country so think about it that way. And I was like, that's very, very kind. But I don't know if that's true. But yeah, in Lithuania, the fifth English open mic they ever did in Lithuania, the news came and filmed it.

And all the comics who were on that open mic became overnight celebrities in Lithuania. Two days later, two of them had their own late night talk shows competing against each other. Like, it's just such a new thing over here, man. And that's very, I mean,

that blew my mind that that could happen in 2023. That blew my mind that that could happen in 2023. The Lithuanian gold rush. I'm moving to Lithuania. I'm going to take over. You sure you look like all these people?

Yeah, I'm Eastern European. You could fill in for Saunders when he's in the woods. He lives in the woods. So do I. I was just sitting there, high as fuck on these brownies, hitting, like, I don't know if it was Delta 9 or THCK, but they had pens floating around, and I walked in and bought a round and tipped the lady 20 euros, so she was like, do whatever you want to the room,

just don't smash the window. So, yeah, we were vaping in there, we were smoking cigs. Everyone's got a snitch in. I thought you were going to say, do whatever you want to my body. No, Saunders' girlfriend was there. You throw her out the window. I told you, not the window. I was getting gorked in Pittsburgh because Will had gummies in the bathroom.

And he said that he took one and it gave him a big panic attack. So he put them up there for whoever was staying. And I was like, oh, fuck, yeah. So I'm eating two and smoking my pen. And waking up in the middle of the night to take a leak just fucking so high. Just like... I kept sleeping forever. I'm sure Noel was like, oh, good.

I'm glad that he's sleeping till 1.30 and then making coffee and banging around. I broke the fucking French press. I was a real Dennis the Menace. I was a real dingus, man. You tried to make pancakes out of it? It was so dumb. It was a French press glass cylinder in the little metal with the handle. And so it's like in there, it's tight.

But I fucking like, I think I had rinsed it. I cleaned it. And then I tried to like shake out the water by holding the handle. And it fucking went into the sink and exploded. And I was like, God damn it. They have an espresso machine. So it wasn't like their main coffee apparatus. But still felt dumb as hell.

So I had no pressure to replace it or anything. I didn't mind destroying one of their sacred objects. No, that's not what I said. And I offered to pay for it, but Will is very nice and said, no, no, no, no, no. He said, no, no. Yeah, he sold an Earthmover to a construction company for $20 million, so he's not worried about it.

But yeah, Fitzgerald was good west virginia i was on the news and in west virginia what local man looks like ape what'd you do yeah what was it stand up for whatever reason they cody cannon has uh comics promote on the local news. And I was kind of scared. I was like, God, what if an 80-year-old woman comes and is like, I saw you on the news that there was a comedy program. Or like a dude in the hills of West Virginia is like, Yeah, I figured I'd come check it out. Normally I'm stuffing squirrels, but I figured I'd just see your jokies. I took a damn break from hunting Mothman to come down here to Colorado Sasquatch, and you

delivered, boy. Come over here. I'm gonna hold you upside down and take a picture like I chugled you out of the damn river. Yeah, his hand's covered in dog food. What, dog food? You, for some reason, can't help yourself. Come here. You're drawn to him like a

moth to flame. You just keep getting closer and closer, and you don't know why. Next thing you know, three of his fingers are in your mouth. Oh man, I'd love to chugle you out of a pit. When we hit a thousand Patreons, that's what we're going to do. I'm going to dig you out of a fucking pit

with a handful of dog food. Could be easy. How do you like Cody Cannon? He's fun. I don't know if you saw him on Instagram, but he dressed up like Lord Farquad from, is that from Shrek? Yeah, I saw that. He was doing the kneeling in his shoes gag. Hell yeah.

He was going full Dorf. And it was so funny. And I asked him, I was like, how many people wanted pictures with you? And he was like, everybody. He was funny. It was a good show. We were at the brewery, not the punk venue. I'm hoping to do that punk venue because that sounds cool.

Yeah, you're more of a Chevelle brewery guy. Yeah. You're not a leftover crack punk rock venue guy i can go over there and rock it yeah you kind of it was fun you're like i was pretty stoned so i was a little low energy but it was still fun i was chugling you were you were less energy than you are typically yeah i mean i I was giggly. What's that look like? You're sitting in a chair,

just fanning yourself while drinking lemonade? No, I didn't sit. Ooh, been hot today. It was hot out yesterday. God, I'm going to fucking piss my pants. This sucks. Oh, man, I've been so close twice on these long walks.

Oh, my God. Why aren't you whipping it out? It's been all... been all no no not that oh dumping around the corner yeah same viscosity though yeah i told emily yesterday i was like if something happens in five minutes or so don't tell anyone and she was like what do you mean and i was like just if something happens keep walking and luckily not cool just be chill this river seen enough problems they're like Stockholm's one of the cleanest cities there's no industry hold on let me get in that River i'll fix that oh uh-oh whoopsie

so you didn't have to get new pants because you shit them no no i got new pants because my butt ripped them but i did i was walking earlier today pressing my cheeks together with my hands from the outside of my pants to prevent a dump yeah yeah because last night i ate those weed brandies and i was drinking that soda pop liquor and then i got three hours of sleep and woke up to pantera uh yeah so i'm fucking out of it dude i'm i'm loop central i'm like a i'm like a fucking lowercase l in cursive i'm loopy I'm like a fucking lowercase L in cursive. I'm loopy.

Mmm, little Latin loopy Lou. Yeah. Doesn't the uppercase L have more loops? Yes, it does. There's that one up top and the one at the bottom as well. I don't do the upper loop when I sign my name. You don't hit them with that Laverne? I skip it. Yeah? I skip it.

Yeah, I skip it. I go up there, but I don't loop it. You also don't write in cursive. I come back down. I'm saying that L in lunch. I've been all caps recently. When I sign my name. Oh, yeah, yeah. Trying to fit in with the young kids.

My bad. Dude. Oh, yeah, yeah. Trying to fit in with the young kids. My bad. Dude, I'm reading this book called A Little Life. Oh, my God. It's the most upsetting thing I've ever read. Now I've got to push my butt together. Fuck. I just had a gurgle. I drank a bunch of coffee and water, and now I'm fucked.

Oh, God, it's a race against time. If it goes dark in here, it's not because I'm haunted or in another timeline. It's because I don't want to see my own face. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. It happened. It happened. Oh, no.

We're both going to be in... We're in pure darkness. I'm in purgatory. I'm stuck between two realms. No, I'm just in hell. I kept saying I was too fat for hell in Estonia, and they loved that. I was like, yeah, I'm the fattest guy you've ever seen.

I'm too fat for hell. What's your favorite shape? Got three claps. Yeah, I was using every part of it, man. But yeah, in Prague now. Prague seems nice every like uh is there every girl who wore like who who wore fishnet uh sleeves you know those girls they would have like the very severe bangs and like the labre piercing this place is just built for those girls prague is totally like you know gave your first blow job at 13 uh that girl

loves this place oh yeah i remember uh megan's brother nick lived there and he said everybody's partying everybody's on club drugs that are just meth like they drink a little bit and they smoke cigs and they take fucking yeah they. They want to go all night. So they get up with the powders. Oh, no, Jake. What happened to Becker? What? What happened to me?

Now Becker's gone. No, he's not. Yeah. And you're taking it as an excuse to eat? You just... Oh, no. Plow. Oh no! Plow. Look over there.

And then he slurps. What the hell? I didn't know you could see me. I'm sorry. The lights didn't even go out. If the lights went out, you could maybe get away with it. Good point.

Good point. I woke up this morning still so high and went to the airport in Tallinn. And I got two big croissants. And I bit into one. And Emily was like, I got to go to the bathroom. I just had these two croissants and I'm still so high. And I just smushed them together. Oh, God.

I was just smushing them and laughing. And she came back and I just smushed them together. Oh, God. Yeah, I was just smushing them and laughing. And she came back, and I was covered in croissant crumbs, and she was like, what happened to your croissant, Sammy? And I was like, I smushed them together. And she was like, you need to go in the corner. One wasn't for her. They were both for you. Yeah.

Yeah. She got avocado toast, and meanwhile meanwhile i was just making friends i was compressing croissants and she made me bail did you see little little patrick right here oh hey pat little baby patrick saluting saluting his shorts oh my god i'm gonna speaking of patrick piss i'm gonna whiz man don't you have like a big mug or something no i've got a coffee mug and i've got my water bottle but i don't want to fill it up i want to reuse oh dude went to the vasa museum which was pretty. It was this giant shipwreck they had in 1628. I saw Emmy's

picture. That looked awesome. Dude, they spent so much... It was during the Thirty Years War and they were about to go to war with Poland. So they built this big ass warship that had over 1,200 ornate hand carved wooden statues

on it. I think it was six stories high at the top of its mast. And everyone in Stockholm, after building this ship for eight months, gets together and they launch it. And it sank in eight minutes. Just right away. Just fucking hit the depths. It just leaned one way and then leaned the other and then leaned

back the first way and just flipped over and hit the water and it sat underwater forever and then they finally raised it in 1961 and uh i don't i was talking to some old dude there and i was like he was like yes this ship it was uh it was very important to swedish history and I was like, he was like, yes, this ship, it was very important to Swedish history. And I was like, well, it's not really fair to call it a ship. He was like, what do you mean? And I was like, well, I ran for a bus one time, but I wouldn't call myself an athlete. I just stared at him, like waiting for it. He clapped once. No, he no-sold me so hard. He was like Sandman when he was knocked out. It was so bad. He was like Sandman when he was knocked out. It was so bad.

He kept kicking out. Yeah, it was dead on his feet, even once I hit him with the double DDT. But the ship was cool. But dude, I swear to God, they had chamber pots in there, you know, thunder mugs? You know what I'm talking about? I know what a chamber pot is, I haven't heard thunder mug. Oh yeah, I call it a thunder mug.

You don't shit in them, do you? Oh, you do. You do, she's shitting a thunder mug. You don't shit in them, do you? Oh, you do. You do. She's shitting piss in them. You thunder. Yeah. And they were like this big, dude. The thunder mugs were...

It was a thimble. It was a candle held to the sun for what I would need if I was on a pirate ship just drinking 3.2 beer and eating herring all the time. I don't know who they thought this mug was for, but I would have sank the ship twice if that was my situation. That's so funny. Yeah, it barely left shore. It just started going down right away. And then somehow 30 people died?

Yeah, 30 people. It wasn't like you couldn't swim at all you still had like a decent chance at making it back to land but people still biffed they had like 120 cannons on wagons in there and the gun whales were open so water started coming in the big windows they'd put the cannons out of and i guess when it started tipping the cannons from one side that were on wheels just slid across the deck and crushed everyone on the left side and then when it tipped over to the right side all those cannons crushed everyone who was trying to help the people who were initially crushed so they were just all the people who died were smushed by cannons from the windows to the walls yeah yeah till the gunpowder

drops down my balls cannonballs nice there we go see thank you that's why we do this that's why we play the games maybe i should have to piss all the time it gives you a little extra extra gear yeah dude i mean this sucks i'm so glad you're uh you're taking the reins on this one because I am out of it I got a haircut from Shannon Norman and it's pretty good me and you the haircut boys I've been wearing my Estonian hat

dude this was the big thing oh fuck man this was so bad bring it home Sammy okay so last night in tall inn i'm on stage some guy in the back has given me the business i'm giving it back i'm dominating his ass he says have you ever had estonian vodka and you know i riff on it vodka all tastes the same yeah i've had it what do you guys do strain it through an old man's beard you know blah blah blah what's it have a a kid without parents tears in it what do you guys got they send it up I shoot it

everyone loves it uh 20 minutes later I'm I'm you know I'm doing goofing over here when I turn back around there's another shot on stage and I go over there and I'm like, oh, what is this? More Estonian vodka? And this guy says, no, it's Ukrainian vodka. And I say, oh, really? And I shoot it. And I say, oh, yeah, you can really taste the cowardice in there. Ooh, boy. Not the thing to say.

Not the thing to say when there's an active war zone two countries away and the main predator is also the country who has subjugated your people to tyranny, Russia, for, since the beginning of you having borders. Dude, this huge guy in the front row is like, cowardice? What do you

mean, cowardice? Ukraine is not cowardice? And I was like, well, don't worry, America will win that war for them. USA. USA. No. Good call.

No. Yeah. I was like, don't worry. We're going to keep sending money. It's going to be fine. Dude. It was like 50 minutes in, too. I had to dig out.

I had to do like 12 minutes of pretty much apologizing until I could get it to a point where I could do a Q&A. But man, because everywhere you go in Estonia, everywhere you go in Sweden too, there's the blue and yellow. They're hanging the Ukrainian flag up with their flags, with the EU flag. It's just Ukrainian shit everywhere. On the Estonian capital,

there's lights that hit the top with yellow and the bottom with blue i don't know what i was thinking dude that was the dumbest thing i've ever said on stage it was so unnecessary so hurtful and fuck they were so mad about it they loved me and then i said that and this dude who was wearing the tightest turtleneck in the history of clothes what do you mean he's not cowardice his girlfriend had to be like down sergi down you know console him the fucking host poor carl had to go over there and talk to him like oh my god it was fucked man i can't believe i said that shit yeah pretty dumb oh my god it tanked the whole thing yeah oh my god you're a dumb guy i know when i got off stage i was so afraid of this man literally killing me because

god knows how many of his cousins have been blown up by fucking russian mortars that i went and i just walked directly into the bar and hid hid in the back room that i'd never been in and uh the bartenders were like, oh, you were so funny. What are you doing in here? And I was like, I just think that Ukrainian guy's going to kill me. And then one of the bartenders says,

he would be well within his rights. So he was pissed, too. Yeah, dude. What? It was fucked. That's pretty fucked. Oh, dude, it was very bad. I've never sucked the joy out of a room as much as I have that moment.

Oh, my God. I'm just getting fucking queasy thinking about it. You shit your pants. Your body's response to the trauma is the shit. Stop eating. I'm so queasy I need a spring roll to even myself out. You already ate, so you can't be like, I'm starving! You had pho.

It was a check portion of pho. It was like the amount of pho you could fit in a thunder mug. It was nothing. Yeah, pho for babies. Yeah, pho for babies. Yeah, pho for dummies. Oh, yeah, what were they eating in Estonia? A lot of, like, potatoes and cabbage with a little goat or what? Estonia.

Elk roast was on every menu that I saw. It was elk roast. A lot of, yeah, a lot of, like, yeah, a lot of like, uh, woods, vegetables, uh, celeriac and yeah, like different tubers, mushrooms, that kind of thing. Um, good stuff. Or is it bland or what? No, I mean, everything's been really good, dude. Cause it doesn't have that American poison in it.

You know, like it tastes like real food. There's nutrition involved. It's really young. Popeye's isn't poison. Popeye's is the definite. I would know. I was poisoned earlier. I would know.

I fought my way to the front of the line. Why does that happen? You cut out when you explained it. Your key card didn't work or something? The key card doesn't work in the door. So the door just flicks in and out because you have to put your key cord the key card in this slot by the door so you can't just leave all the lights and air conditioning on when you leave the hotel room all your lights and your

power go off unless the key cards in there so oh so it's just like flickering on and off there's some fuse situation the lady was like we can move you was like, no, no, we'll go with it. And no. We're going with it. Yeah, we're going with it. That's good fish sauce. Ugh. Yeah, I like that.

Oh, yeah. I was going to say the last meal I had in Pittsburgh was with Shannon and Joe Esch. And we went to a, I think it was Iraqi. They had some Iraqi versions of like shawarma or whatever. And when we first went in, there was a woman that was like wiping down tables. She had a headscarf on. And she was nice. She was like, oh, yes yes come on in uh and we

sit down and then she and then after a few minutes she's like i'm going uh to leave but we have this young man who will take care of you and this dude was gorked he was fucking on powders he was fucking he was a prog uh national because he was so fucked and he just looked awful. He was a white dude and he's sweating and weird looking and just like, oh, yes, I'll be right back with your pita. And then we drank water right away, like crushed the carafe. He doesn't bring more water and he's just like gone for like 15 minutes it was so weird it was like oh man we could have had this like sweet

woman but she like left with her kids and then we had fucking corky who's just fucking wrecked like barely holding it to get you know when we when we paid him he uh, oh, yeah. I had cash, and my shit was like 8, what was it, like 810 or something. And he, like, I can't remember if he said that, oh, the register wasn't, like, calculating the change. So I had to tell him what, I had to subtract 20 from 810 or whatever it was. It was so weird. I was like, get me out of here. He was creeping me out. Meanwhile, Joe Esch knew him from the bathhouse.

He's like, yeah, yeah, he's not good at work, but you should see him off of his feet. You know, it's only kind of fun. It's only kind of fun to be constantly flirted with. Yeah. After a few days, I was like, all right, Joe, how about we just have a nice time? We went to the mattress factory, the art gallery. That was cool. Oh, watch out, Sam.

The specter of death is right behind you, and he's got a little thunder pot for you to go in. I'll fight him off. I'll fight him off, yeah. My urn is a thunder mug. To put my ashes in a chamber pot, that's all I ask. Edamame are kind of like soft pistachios. You ever think about that? No, I don't, because I don't think that's true.

Yeah, they are. They're like, you know, they're a bean, but are they a legume? What's going on? Either way, you've got to pop them and skin them and slurp them. Yum, yum. Yeah. Yeah, no, I had fun with Joe, but but yeah it's a little much to have everything you say turn into a double entendre a little flirtiness yeah he was he he didn't uh he didn't fondle or

touch he didn't try to drug me with moonshine or pills did he lick his lips even in west virginia uh we had a good time though did. Did you go to Wawa? No, no Wawa. What the fuck, dude? You're built for Wawa. Oh, we tried to get those stuffed pretzels from Sheetz, but the one we went to didn't have them. So we didn't get anything.

What, because it was Patrick's birthday and he bought them all out and flew them to his house? I don't know, but they had all kinds of shit uh on the the hot or on the the menu for like the the grill but they didn't have and they had regular pretzels but they didn't have like the stuffed bites or they didn't have a stuff or you gave me you gave me like a stuffed whole pretzel right i met you at the airport with a stuffed whole pretzel cheese stuffed pretzel it's the best yeah was good. It was cold and it was still good. Oh, I like it a little cold too.

I like to put it on the dashboard and roll the windows down and park the car and take a little nap. Take a right. Wake up. I say, oh, hello. Have it go flying out the window. Yeah. Hello, you're my friend. I like to hang it from my rear view mirror and that's my air freshener.

It's just the sheets pretzel stuffed with cheese. I really got to quit drinking this fish oil, but I'm loving it. Oh, God. and that's my air freshener. It's just the sheets, pretzels, stuff with cheese. I really got to quit drinking this fish oil, but I'm loving it. Oh, God, yeah, that's so rough. That's raw ass. Without the noodles to, like, offset some of that fish. That'll put some hair on your knuckles.

Are we doing, do we have an ad? I don't think so. No ad this week. We got one next week. I don't know where Becker is. I literally can't see Becker. I just see you. Weird.

Yeah, that is weird. He's here with me. He's fine. He's looking good. He hasn't said anything. I haven't heard him talk as soon as he went black. He's been chiming in. Has he?

He's chiming and fun timing. I've been steamrolling Becker then because I have not seen or heard a word from him for about a half an hour. Is that Estonian? Well, I mean, it's not like he was pontificating about, you know, the new church. I'll be rolling one up and thinking about you, man. I got the sick baby. Look, they put all these warnings on their tobacco over here. Maybe don't let your infant smoke cigs. Maybe don't blow a

bunch of cig smoke in the womb if you don't want your baby coming out looking like an edamame. I don't know who this is for, but I could definitely split that thing and eat all three parts of it with my tongue. But yeah, look at this baby. That's probably bad for YouTube.

But hey, this is anthropology. All right? I'm traveling the world. I'm experiencing different cultures. Oh, shout out to Sweden and Norway. Chewing tobacco, snus, is illegal in the EU except for in Norway and Sweden because they had it mandated

that it was part of their cultural heritage. So now they just dominate the snooze racket up here. And everyone goes to them to get their snooze. Oh, another dumb thing I did, dude. I was fucking ripping on the Vasa. The whole, you know,

disaster. And I was like, and then also they had this big one in estonia their biggest thing it was much like when i was in newcastle australia and i mentioned you know i was riffing on train disasters well i knew that the estonian was a ship that went down much like the titanic did it was a ferry going between helsinki and finland or in finland and estonia and i riffed on it on stage and then you know I see a guy's face change and I was like what's the matter and he says my father died on that ferry my dad what's the matter you what's the matter me he was like my dad died and I was like impossible you're not

old enough and he said yes i am and then i didn't have much to say besides sorry you know and then later that night i tell that story and saunders father saunders father also died on the estonian and i was being like can you believe this this is crazy this fucking crowd member didn't laugh at the joke and he was like my father also died just because he was directly affected by this tragedy what a pussy just because his pussy ass dad couldn't swim my father also could not swim it was a long way back from helsinki bay jeez man you kept you're just stepping in it over there oh my god it was landmine city and i was wearing

magnetic shoes baby it's all about the doobity do baby another fun thing you can say on stage in estonia is let the black people in it's better let them in let them in everybody they're like no no don't let them in all right well uh i have to go sit on a toilet. So if you want to plug some stuff, go right ahead. I'm going to be plugging my butt. All right. Well, hey, everyone. You can see me coming up here soon in Denver, Colorado.

Hey, Denver tickets for Thanksgiving weekend are available the 22nd. That's the Wednesday before Thanksgiving. Then Friday and Saturday as well. Six shows. One of them is actually close to sold out, which is nice. But the other five, still plenty of tickets available. Get those. Let's sell those out.

And then I'm coming over to Lexington, Louisville, Columbus, and Cincinnati. I'm filming my little, little, who knows what it's going to be. It's going to be available for you to watch, though. It'll be online and you can watch it and say I like these jokes better live. And then, of course, Madison, Wisconsin, Chicago, Comedy Fort. Something is lost.

Something is lost. Something is lost in translation. He's not calling people who are being destroyed by Russia cowards. Well, you should have been in Estonia, baby. Come see me abroad, because it gets kooky. And London, ah, come see the ghost of me in London. See if Lund pisses his pants in London.

Lund in London, November 17th, samtalent.com. Join the Patreon. We love all the people who are over there. You guys have really blown that thing up. We're having a lot of fun. So join up. Tune in. Join up.

Page out. I'm going to go whiz. London style.