Chubby Behemoth - Sam Teaches Us How To Play White Elephant

Episode Date: December 30, 2023

BONUS EPISODES: https://www.Patreon.com/chubbybehemoth   On this weeks episode Sam and Nathan talk about what role they’d play in The Brotherhood Of Mutants,  Sam’s White Elephant ideas, John Denver fact-offs, and Sam wanting to be a parkour master. They discuss why gas masks make your face stink because Sam’s back on weed. Nathan tells us about the local bartering system.   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth   The Toad's Morale : https://youtu.be/0eIUA1jfEk0?si=_auD8vrABqp_6TY1 Soup's On : https://youtu.be/JtPFqKhs7PE?si=gOCeqIGdOpJTArta Mutiny Coffee: [e-mail]

Hey guys. Hello. This is really good. Look at me. You're in a gaming chair. I'm in a gaming chair, dude. I'm 100%. These headphones are called Kraken.

Whoa. That's a good one, huh? It's one of my favorite sub-aquatic monsters for sure. Is that Seattle Kraken? Yeah. Also, I think I'm more of a Leviathan guy. Is that WNBA or...

It's hockey. Hockey. It's their NHL team. That's right. Their addition to the great ice hockey conversation that's been going on all across certain parts of America in Sweden. Yeah, in Canada. Well, in Canada, but they're not part of our conversation.

I've never been like, hey, Canadians, weigh in. It's always kind of like I make the call and then they're like, whoa, that's a good decision there, mate. I don't know. Okay. They just take the world slang. They'll be like, oh, that one's popping like a jumbo jet, isn't it now, mister? And you're like, all right, Canadians, keep figuring it out up there. Oh, that one's slappier than grandma after a couple pints of rum.

I'll tell you now. Did you just see that dude on the Blackhawks picked up the puck on his stick and wrapped it around the corner? It was slick. No, dude. That was a couple days ago. Yeah, it was real good. I saw a goalie score a goal last week.

That was pretty tight. No way. Because here's the thing about goalies. I identify them as big fat guys, so I root for them. Even though they're not big fat guys, they just have a lot of padding. I was both. Yeah. You were an ice hockey goalie yeah dude i was good what when okay in high school junior high high school all right here's some more becker's facts he's never brought up despite us struggling for content for almost three years old for Forrest Gump Becker. Just lived a whole secret life, and he doesn't want to talk about it.

I played ice hockey. I thought you knew. Who taught you how to play goalie? Woodrow Wilson's son? No, my buddy Zach's dad, Mike. Mike taught me how to play goalie. Yeah, Mike Messier taught you how to play goalie. Nope, Mike Geich.

He rules. Mike Geich. Okay, so this is clearly a made-up name. Real Geich. Nope, Mike Geick. He rules. Mike Geick. Okay, so this is clearly a made-up name. Real Geick. All right, it's a good one. Geick's real. That's good. G-I-E-C-K.

Geick is not real. My best friend is his son, Zach Geick. Zach Geick, where you're like, oh, I got my finger in a Geick. You ever do that one? Yeah. It should be pronounced geek, but they go by Geick. That's good of them that's less

weird to go by geik than the word we've heard yeah yeah lose lose not an easy way around that one yeah wait so sam where are you denver i'm in broomfield i'm at katarina's house and boston has a whole gaming setup he built this computer next to me. It's humming. It's like a beautiful bird hovering over a big plate of food. It's great. It's a Viper computer. It's one of those clear computers. You can see it all whirling, all the inner bells and whistles. Is he playing Diablo

on that thing? Yeah, he's playing Diablo and he's about to hack into NASA and launch all the bombs. It's crazy that NASA has the bombs. Isn't that weird? That's what the moon's for. Okay. They have the satellites

and the bombs. Satellites guide the bombs. Becker's about to tell us that he grew up on the moon for a while. He was an astronaut for several years. But a bunch of people have tracked that secret space station for like the last two years who are a bunch of people you and carlos and a big bag of weed no but like a lot of astronomers like aren't conspiracy theorists

or weirdos they're just like star weirdos they're like yeah there's definitely another space station in orbit we can We can see it. We've been tracking it. We have a secret moon base, and you're just telling me about it? What's with you? It's like a secret ISS. How many secrets do you hold that you're unwilling to dump out for us? I'll dump them out whenever you want.

They just have to come up when I'm the right level of height. We should really just do a deep dive on Becker. Like, where did it start? Where did it it go wrong what's the renaissance less is more everybody everybody wants becker until they get their fill and then it their stomach hurts and it's like yeah better to have a little morsel now and then bring Bring Becker out, they say, and then cut to him about to go on stage to yell at Bobby Kelly for going long on a podcast. I'm going to get that fucking pig off the stage, Sam. It's your time to shine. No way I called him a fucking pig.

You were nasty about it, for sure. Damn. Yeah. You were like, his time's over. It's time for the summer of Sam then you pulled out a.44 caliber pistol and you took the stage

said let's make Skankfest real and he said I'm going for Louis' kid and he tried to kill Louis J. Gomez's child what's the kid's name like a fanata I have no idea did not know it's like little zippy or something yeah i'm not i'm not a big lewis head as for a community who's

been very good to me i sure don't know shit about them i know the Yeah. Maybe the J is short for Jason. I think, hold on. The piece is fit. Uh-oh! It's happening! That's an insane-o gaming chair. Yeah. I mean, I could get used to being a gaming chair guy for sure.

I just need, like, a bunch of Jolt Cola and a bunch of empty two liters of Jolt Cola that I can fill with my own urine. And then mail to the Senate whenever they try and interact with web neutrality. Drink my piss! Oh, dude. I miss you guys.

I miss you too. Yeah, it's been a while it's been a week megan thought i was going out of town this weekend she was uh not stoked and then when i told her i was i was here she was less stoked she couldn't believe it no she was very glad very relieved yeah she just was like hey i, I gotta just, hold on. That's great news, you're staying. And then you hear her go in the next room and be like, Enrique, cancel the boys. We have to have a slip and slide party next weekend. Nathan, are you out of town next weekend? Oh yeah, next weekend.

Yeah, so Enrique will have plenty of time in january because i'll be with you again to come and pound your wife lucha libre and laughs together yeah man i can't wait to make that three and a half hour drive all right you'll oh yeah you'll be down uh down this way i'll be in la junta colorado on the first or what uh well no I'm going to fly to Chicago and then go from there to La Junta, because Amway doesn't have to work until the 8th. Okay. That means that week of the 8th, we'll be coming over, doing our live face-to-face podcast.

Chubby Behemoth, America's Most Frustrating Podcast, presents Part 2, The Phoenix Rising from the Ashes, Chubby Behemoth, America's most frustrating podcast, presents part two. The Phoenix Rising from the Ashes, featuring White Beast, Professor Xavier if he wasn't gay, and Lund. Wolverine if the healing factor didn't beat Gowd. White Beast. I'm White Beast. I followed. I followed.

Lund, you're like Puck. You're like Puck from Alpha Flight. Whoa. Yeah, man. You should be in the Marvel Universe. This is a thing that our fans should be pulling for. We need to start an online campaign.

Oh my god, dude. From what? Alpha Flight? Yeah, man. Puck Alpha Flight. Like, you full angry would be perfect, Puck. Oh, come on. Yeah, dude, that's you. Shut up.

This guy sucks. He's just got a giant pee on his singlet. Yeah, but did you see how big he is? He looks like a less cool juggernaut. He's like Juggernaut's dumbass little toady friend. Dude, he's two foot four. Smusho Juggernaut. I'm not stoked.

Hey, Chubby Behemoth Nation nation please go to marvel and say that we want me as frank dukes and lund as puck dude no i'm not gonna say what frank dukes undercover mutant name is but lund if you had to guess a character that i would be what do you think it's it it's a two-word name for him, and he was in the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants. I'm not sure. The Blob. I would be

the Blob. And you would be Puck. And I would throw you through walls. Puck looks like Luis Guzman. Puck's actually kind of a little badass, though. He's like a brick shithouse. Yeah, Puck's cool, and also he could sneak into the girls' dorm at the Professor

Xavier's school for talented teenagers. I would... If I was Puck's friend, I would just attach a camera and a GoPro to your forehead and be like, alright, bring me all the panties, Puck. He's really three feet tall, or what? He's a dwarf! That's his whole all the panties, fuck. He's really three feet tall or what?

He's a dwarf. That's his whole thing. He's a tiny little man. He's a super acrobatic dwarf. Okay, yeah, I saw him doing some roundoffs and shit. Yeah. Alpha Flight, if I remember correctly, not actual mutants. I think that they were part of a government program to make a superhero team.

Yes. Correct. And that noise right there is both of our female listeners turning this off. Who knows, man. People have wanted to hear more Pokemon stuff. They want to hear slime talk.

Yep. They're into whatever we put out. Wrestling. Tolerated. I don't know. There's got to be a lot of Chubby B wrestling fans. Yeah, we have a bunch of losers who listen. They reach out.

They touch faith. So big Christmas recap. What do you guys get for christmas not a lot i got pneumonia me i had it a couple weeks ago okay this is uh this is my parade becker yeah sam once a year yeah so this is huge even though he was sick thanksgiving like twice yeah when we got back from paris i was very sick yeah it's so crazy that you've had covet 12 times and you're fine even though you keep getting sick yeah i mean of course i am dealing with those memory loss issues have i done this bit yet i can't remember i have memory loss uh but yeah no so i did perfect

i did those three uh shows at the comedy fort just improvising the 430 show was great uh emily's former doctor co-worker caleb you remember caleb lund and becker maybe the guy from alabama yes whose wife killed my dog. Live on stream. Thank you for everyone who donated. He sat up front, and it was 4.30, but somehow he was blackout drunk. And after every good joke, he would just say, roll tide. Like to himself, like he was ruminating about a past tide that already rolled. Like he was remembering it from the crow's nest of an old ship.

Roll tide. I was like like very good caleb it's uh 5 15 in the afternoon and you almost threw up let's get him another espresso martini he's a doctor everyone so i did those shows and the next day i went to the broncos game in the very very cold and of course the broncos lost which was a little salt in the wound but the real battle going on was because i got me and sophie and mel and pat ended up going because my dad didn't want to go because it was cold we were six rows back from the field and do you guys imagine that Sophie was on her best behavior? I would imagine because it was cold, she needed to warm up via gasoline on her insides.

Yeah, so she was just drinking kerosene and huffing lot of them from an old rag. It was actually a pair of Emily's panties, which was weird. I was like, can I get a whiff of those? She's like, no. She mailed them to me. I won the eBay fucking auction. This is my white elephant present. I told Emily that she should have just brought a pair of her panties

to her family's white elephant present and that her stepfather-in-law's grandson, who's 14, would have fought everyone for them. It's not weird. We're not blood. He opens them. He's like, oh, cool, a mask. And he puts them on.

I like imagining his eyes going dead as soon as it's revealed that that's one of the options. And then he's just, like, laser focused on it the whole time

until it's his turn. Yeah. Oh, God. He's like, oh, I thought it was supposed to be $50 or under. These are priceless. They're like, well, you know the rules. Someone can steal that from you. And he's like, I'm not a part of this family.

And he just jumps out of a window. Runs into the bushes. He starts growling at anybody that walks by him. It's like, nobody else wants them. Nobody's gonna steal it, I promise. Someone goes to take them, he just balls them up and swallows them.

They're part of me forever. That's dog behavior for sure. Eating some worn panties and then choking on them he's choking to death on them but like a dog when people try to help him he's biting them.

He's trying to snap at them, even though they're trying to save his fucking life. Oh man, I almost swallowed my zen on that one. oh man i almost swallowed my zen on that one so anyway we went to the game and there was a woman wearing a vince willfork jersey uh two rows in front of us and me and pat were like well she's cool because he's a big fat guy and you know sophie's double fisting whatever she can find in the trash can she's drinking the all sorts bucket um because she's sitting right next to me and then they make something happens and they start playing i'm listening to this woman because she's very interesting she's talking about how she lived in new zealand for a while i'm eavesdropping as she's talking to the dude there was a full-on

rock and roll jeremy right in front of us dude with a super smoking hot black girlfriend who kept rubbing his she just kept rubbing his back and saying it's okay baby it's okay and he'd say it's not okay so we had that as a buffer between us and little vince willfork but uh so she's from colorado she's a patriots fan because drew breeze gave her a jersey not drew breeze drew bledsoe gave her a jersey when she was younger so she's from Colorado. She's a Patriots fan because Drew Brees gave her a jersey. Not Drew Brees. Drew Bledsoe gave her a jersey when she was younger. So she's been a lifelong Patriots fan. She's there with her mom.

She's from Colorado. Blah, blah, blah. So they start playing Country Roads, Take Me Home. Which I think they just play at all major sporting events now because people sing along to it. And the lady turns around and she's like, why are they playing this here? This has nothing to do with Colorado. around she's like why are they playing this here this has nothing to do with colorado my sister's like rocky mountain it says rocky mountain she's like my sister's over it she hates her she's like it says rocky mountains and she's like well yeah but it's

about west virginia uh and my sister's like oh and i whisper to sophie because i hate to see her drowned in her own malevolence i say it's john john denver john denver sophie and she says john denver it's because of john denver and the lady says do you know where he's from and sophie says colorado and i say germany he's from germany sophie and the lady says he's from germany sweetie and i see all the life leave sophie's eyes and uh you know the grinch and OJ possess her in that moment. She puts the glove on her head because she's confused. She's too drunk to put it on her hand. So Sophie just right away goes, Shut up, bitch. Shut up, bitch. Fuck her.

Like yelling, fuck her. And I'm like, and again, this is a week after my mother-in-law was called a bitch by Lions fans. And you just had to sit there and take it. Yeah, just nodding yet again. Just, oh, this is good. This is what I want. I also have pneumonia at this point i'm like so sick it's freezing cold uh i'm not drinking or anything i'm just watching the broncos lose

and sophie has turned feral she's gone full tusk warthog in the brush and mel's not doing anything and pat's loving it pat's just laughing very hard. And then moments later, the Broncos tie the game and then lose it in like four plays. And then we had to walk out of there dejected. With Wilferk. No, so Vince Wilferk stayed to celebrate. Arm and arm. Oh, you guys beat it. Yeah, we got out of there.

Sophie called her a cunt. Yeah, Sophie bit her ponytail and death rolled But luckily the hair just came out Was she was talking loud Yes Or were you guys a quiet section Not a quiet we were six rows back in the north stands The north

Western corner of the stadium The best seats ever I spent a lot of money This was my Christmas gift to my parents. Not my parents. My family. Whoops. A man can dream.

Left a ticket on your mom's tombstone. Yeah. Mom, we're going to the playoffs. I promise you. And if not, I'll be seeing you soon. Because, you know, the Texans lost. Everyone lost and had to lose the chiefs lost if we would have won that game we would have been almost guaranteed to be in the playoffs looking real good so yeah one yeah i thought i wondered if you went or not and i was like if you had tickets i'm sure you

went and then i thought well uh maybe everybody will be stoked and it'll be fun. And then, no, to picture you. I mean, they looked all right for a little bit. But, yeah, for it to end like that and you to just feel like dog shit the whole time. And it was cold as hell. That sucks. That's a lot. And, bro, also remember that the Broncos in the fourth quarter, two touchdown drives and two two-point conversions to tie it.

Yeah. So we're like, okay, all we have to do is hold the Patriots who can't pass the ball. Anyway, this is too deep in the weeds, but how was Christmas, boys? It was good. Did you get another snake? no no Denver was fun and then I was glad to get out of there because it is nuts

like I said in I guess the last episode West Colfax is still fucking feral a lot of Broncos fans over there who's is that code for latinos no no no just people that people who get real upset if the broncos don't perform and they take it out on their dogs or they'll break some windows there's just like broken glass everywhere we want

we you know we had to walk the dogs for uh before we would leave them in the airbnb alone and so we just went a few blocks in each direction you know right right right on west colfax it was fucking it was fine but because there's there's some of those new fucking awful townhomes those condos yeah that are so cookie cutter and dumb looking it's still pretty woolly and rugged over there. Yeah, but there's people losing their minds. Like I said, there's a lot of broken glass and just crap everywhere. Yeah.

I mean, after the game, Sophie was so pissed that she broke into the VA hospital with a bunch of fireworks and was just lighting them off randomly. I don't care. They didn't fight for my rights. Viva La Raza. No one died for me. I don't care. They didn't fight for my rights. Viva la raza. No one died for me. I'm a free citizen. My sister starts pretending to know about the 14th Amendment.

It was tough. My sister got drunk, and I was like, yeah, this just, and I told her to shut up. I was like, stop. She's like, I can't yell at her. I was like, I just went through this with Suze at the game. And then Sophie kept being like, yeah, I wish we were Lions fans. At least there's black people there. And then at one point she said really loud, but we've got Mexicans,

and looked around. She was really on one. She was a chainsaw with feet. I kept calling all the cheerleaders my girlfriends and waving and blowing kisses. That was my only bit. I would blow calling all the cheerleaders my girlfriends and waving and blowing kisses. That was my only bit. I would blow kisses at the cheerleaders. And they would puke. Yeah, they turned all the t-shirt cannons on me.

They just lit me up. T-shirt sponge. Footballs. Just getting whipped at you. Yeah. Cheerleaders. Just, yeah, get that guy. Just everybody pelting you.

Uh-huh. They called Russ over. He was just whipping balls at me. The punter came over. He was drilling them at me. Sophie just getting some of the shrapnel sophie eating all the pigskin no selling it she bites into him they pop yeah she huffs the air but you so you didn't have to worry as much about a brawl in that situation, right? Because Sophie wasn't trying to get up.

Yeah, Sophie wasn't going to beat up the woman. She just wanted to bully someone who was outnumbered. Yeah. You know Sophie's M.O. She finds the vulnerable, and then she exploits them. Shit. I got a new cool pair of pants for Christmas

oh nice put them on ripped them right away what they were on they were like some weird hiking tech pants and I had them on for like a half hour and I stood up and I heard them rip thank you Sophie

thank you for this gift and she's mad at me and she's like, those were $50. Don't buy your brother $50 pants. He chews through them like that kid Rory chews through Emily's underwear. We've got to get it out of his throat. He's going to die. I'd rather die. I'd rather die. I'd rather die.

I'm already in heaven. What do I care if I live? Becker, what did you get for Christmas? A carton of smokes? No, that would have been a really good gift uh i got mostly snacks and treats my sister brought me a bunch of stuff from korea that's good kit kats and chocolate churros and what moose give you a firm handshake and then hey you can thank me anytime you know he brought me me some really nice pepper paste and some other

gummies that I like from Korea. Like goku jang? It's like goku jang but it's spicier more than it is sweet. And Lon, what did you guys do? Just donate some money to the ACLU? No, I don't know we we uh we we went out and ate quite a few times with uh her family and we were in denver and i took care of pretty much all of that and uh well it was just nice

because like megan got her cousin and her mom and her brothers coffee and stuff you know whatever stuff from mutiny was fitting for them and like a couple of books or whatever and that was all very nice and i just hadn't done anything and they know that shit's like from me kind of but so yeah it was nice to uh have dinner a few times and just take care of the bill how is the stuff that she got from her bookstore that she owns from you? Because we're together. It's like we both are

saying Merry Christmas together. I don't know. No. It counts. It doesn't count. I get in there a little. But yeah, on top of that, get a few meals. We had a good time up there. But it is nuts. It's too crazy up there.

There's too many fucking people. And a bunch of them are crazy and a bunch of them are scared. It's a lot. It's tough for Puck. You're only four foot, not even. I'm just trying to do my cartwheels and my flips and my rolls. Yeah, you're just trying to sit on Wendigo's shoulder. I travel via parkour.

Oh, man. It's hard to flip around and go from tree to tree. Dude, I wish I could parkour. I really blew it. What age do you think you chose the wrong path to not be a parkour legend? Eight? I think it was when I had to weigh in at claim jumper, and the lady didn't even read my weight, and she just handed me an adult menu.

If I would have, after that, I should have really sobered up and had an eye-opener. But nope. I just took the adult menu and said, thank you, toots. Sat down. Yep. I think it might have been sometime. Yeah, lit a smoke.

Opened up my newspaper. Read about baseball. You know, old man stuff. It was probably when I kept thinking that it was cool to eat the most plates at country buffet that's probably someone should have fucking I should have been beaten I should have been hit with a belt for going back to get more prime rib at country buffet my grandfather had like a dust bowl ethos where he's like food is all you need food is food is safety so we just used to shove food down our throats because

he was worried that the tax ban was going to come and take away the family farm. Make food illegal. I remember when I had a shirt that said legalize it and my grandfather was like, hell yeah. What do you think I was talking about? Ham? You should

have a piece of chicken underneath there. That's what we're fighting for. We're going to keep fighting too Yeah, you should have a piece of chicken underneath there. Yeah, hell yeah, brother. So people know that's what we're fighting for. We're going to keep fighting too, brothers. Legalize this and then an arrow down to your dick. Yeah, that's it. We can sell a couple of those.

Yeah, if I could do anything, I'd want to be parkouring. I'd want to be in a Russian tenement just jumping from rooftop to rooftop while wearing like an aniche track suit those are some of the best videos they're the greatest you can watch online as people doing parkour across the rooftops of fucking valencia yeah is that spain yeah north eastern sp Spain. It's the main of Spain. Thank God. Those videos give me terrible, terrible anxiety. Well, Becker, don't worry. No one's going to ever make you do any of it, so it's okay.

No, I just feel like I'm about to watch a guy die always. Yeah, that's why I like them. They don't post those ones. Oh, okay. You can see them. Go to rotten.com. No, that's what Vimeo is for do you ever see a video and right before the guy's head explodes go to a meal that's where the OGs hang out you have to create an account so a bunch of people are like well fuck that and that's all are you hearing something becker yeah what is that i don't know katarina's fucking washing her bras

that's what it sounds like maybe her and emily are having a vibrator party in the next room i'm not sure they're they're washing a bunch of zippers. Yeah, I don't know. But it is very loud. That's alright. Clean it up, Becker. Yeah, Becker. Produce your way out of this one.

I don't know. It sounds like they're augering something outside. Okay. It could be because I had a bunch of chili last night and I used the toilet right before we started. There's chili shit going everywhere. Yeah, it's a fountain of chili, Don. I've been sick for a week. I'm ready for death.

Oh, yeah? Going through it? Yeah, I've just been so congested and off. But also, I haven't had a ciggy in two weeks or a vape so i'm feeling good oh nice but i'm also feeling terrible yeah you've had 400 zins in the course of eight days i'll tell you what i've been through four zin tints in the two weeks and that's pretty good okay there it went away it did. They both came at the same time. They synchronized orgasmed.

That sounded like the beginning of a laundry cycle, so I would imagine we might hear it again. Yeah, it could have been bra washing. Maybe it's synchronized orgasms. I don't know. Yeah, it sucks that you're sick. You have a doctor wife. Is she helping at all? No, because she's not a doctor right now.

She's a drifter. She's been telling me to eat rattlesnake venom. That's why I had all the chili. She's like, oh, it's an old cowboy antidote. Get you some ivermectin. You know, I use this thing called, is it Afrin? Have you heard of this? Yeah.

It's a nasal spray? Yeah. It's a revolutionary drug. It dries out your entire head. But then the congestion bounce back is akin to having a thousand spiders all hatch their eggs inside of your skull. It all comes back right at once. You go from dry, dry, dry to just

packed with creepy crawlers and slime. It's not the slime that I like either. Bad slime. Yeah, bad slime. That is Becker's wheelhouse. Sinus infections. You love it. No, I hate it, but it's my whole life Why don't you smoke that cig with your nose

Afrin for so long I don't think I could I'd just be crying Put that thing in your nose Okay well the next one you light You better do it with the left nostril Okay I'll try I've smoked weed with my nose

There you go yeah it was terrible very hot yeah so so you're living yeah your nose is more sensitive to heat than your than your mouth remember gas mask bongs you would just strap one of those on then your whole head would reek for like two days yeah your head would reek because you could have showered it away but you loved it you can't get that off dude it's like it's like your face is a ferret cage and all the ferrets are in heat and they're just spraying above your eyebrows i remember using a gas mask bong and then going to kiss a girl like three days later and her being like what is there resin in your mouth what's happening i was like yeah lick him he had a ball of resin

like you had a gummer i had a gummer in there i think we should scraped bowl yeah i just had to chill i was using as a toothpick i'm back on weed i'm not drinking either so weed party yeah i i got very high before this uh because i thought we were going at like well we said between maybe four and seven yeah so i got high as fuck and then uh yeah we're better road the way I'm sitting yeah well Jesus I mean we were just laughing very hard and I don't think it was just because we were high 14 year old yeah you're sitting exactly it's cuz I'm rock hard dude when you're Look at this. We know. We did this bit. Dude, when we were editing the special, all I noticed was how yellow my teeth were.

Really? I didn't notice. Oh, yeah. They don't look yellow right now because the sun is pooling on my face from the window. But, God, if you watch that special, you can just see a man who's had too much coffee and cigarettes and not enough dentine. I didn't notice, so I think you're good. I would notice something like that. I watched, I had to stop for some reason.

I think I let the dogs out or something, but I watched up until, I still have to watch the last joke, the whole missionary chunk. But it was really good. At first, I was like, why aren't they using the straight ahead one? But then once that started getting in the mix more, because I thought that's a good shot, you know? And the two ones that move and go in and out of focus look cool, but I was glad that there was the third one too, the stationary one. Yeah, I mean, the whole point was to make it look like you were at a comedy show, and when there's that there was the third one, too, the stationary one. Yeah, I mean, the whole point was to

make it look like you were at a comedy show, and when there's that little shake to the camera, it's like you're laughing. That's what I always thought. It's like a head moving when it's laughing. We did a lot of very cool things that I don't think translated to the general consumer, where I was like,

this is beautiful. This is a perfect movie. And then people are people have disagreed i have not been in the comments on youtube that's uh that's smart becker i don't want a thumbs up that's not nice to see let's read some of the comments i think it might be funny actually if you guys read some of the comments to me yeah i just want to check on for some like gold i'm sitting because i still have a little bit of fucking gal pain you would have thought that I entered an all you can eat turtle meat competition

fatty steak never ending bowl and I just was able to live in a fucking meat factory after hours and dive headfirst into a pool of meatballs and eat my way out. Yeah, they put you in a room made of meat and you have to eat your way out of it? Yeah, this has been a fucking nightmare. It's like, somehow they're watching you on camera.

It's like, he's eating the roof somehow? What? No one's ever eaten the roof before you wait to eat the door last I suppose a lot of these are gonna be I want to say thank you there you go everyone who watched it and tell your friends even television what what about this guy are you thanking this guy for watching it? Gotta love Sam for hiring two cameramen who have Parkinson's. Very good.

That's... I just minimized and listened. It was giving me a headache. Okay, well, you're a baby, and you should not be allowed an opinion. Jesus Christ, the filming is so bad. Like, 90% out of focus, and 10% Jason Bourne cinematography. It's not 90% out of focus.

There's some cool decisions we made to let it go in and out of focus at pivotal moments in my speech pattern. We also only use one show, unlike everyone else who sucks and has to use every show cobbled together. If you look at the glass in the special, you can see that the increments of liquid do not go up they only go down because we used one show yeah no it's crazy that people are being that critical because like it looks great it sounds it sounds great it's sorry we didn't do a boring comedy special with five cameras and a big sweeping crane cam becker you've been smiling to yourself for a minute what do you got go ahead read your burner account that you commented

becker i i did most of these that are on here are good that's why i gave you a thumbs up that's good all right nice the live comments during the premiere were full of a bunch of but well yeah i think that it was uh i think that what i was so here's let me walk you through the premiere uh at 5 55 i say dad we're gonna watch this thing in five minutes pause the andre the giant documentary on hbo we're gonna uh watch this thing live and then I go in there and it's people trying to spell the n-word and letter by letter and I'm like okay very good that's what we want

that's what I assumed would happen in here and then I got through the first three minutes and was like I can't fucking do this and then I had to take a shower for 20 minutes and then go sit in the hot tub even though it was like 10 degrees outside and then I came back in and I was like dad I want to get high and watch Andre the even though it was like 10 degrees outside and then i came back in and i was like dad i want to get high and watch andre the giant and he was like you got it

buddy i just couldn't handle it dude i couldn't handle how many people were watching and commenting all at once it's overwhelming it was nuts yeah yeah i mean i'm super grateful that people liked it and they're sharing it and stuff but man when you just like think about all the eyes on this thing, it kind of is overwhelming. You understand, Lund. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Welcome. Welcome to my world.

Because it is pretty cool to just watch that view count go through the roof. How many does it have now? 303. Oh, who knows? That's sick. 303? Awesome. That feels good. I was so worried it was gonna bomb dude so worried that it was gonna fail miserably i was scared no way i don't know why you set yourself up for success i don't know why you would think it would eat a dick somehow

because i'm not one of these sociopath comedians that like i'm the best i'm gonna put this out everyone's gonna love it like you know yeah i'm more in the shane gillis camp of like this sucks you know yeah no it's great uh it is cool that you got to use the one show uh one show like me one show yeah it's funny to think of like oh so the guy who did the second g trying to spell the n word in real time he's the guy who doesn't like the cinematography oh i'm pissed off about second g i mean i and what's also weird is like if people were ever gonna they would never talk shit to your face they'd say i love the special you're the best you know like it's just so silly to like actually have these feelings but uh i've decided not to go into the comments and also i have not been on reddit because i'm scared of uh going on there and seeing any discussions that

happen because you you know but you're you're literally buried in nice messages from people and people you respect are texting you saying like special of the year awesome congratulations and then some stranger will be like this sucks he's fat and you're like special of the year awesome congratulations and then some stranger will be like this sucks he's fat and you're like no that guy's right he's the one kill yourself he's the voice of reason everyone else was lying this guy's the only one who sees the truth you it's just so strange how your brain like takes that shit you won the worst troll in the chat over in the live chat there was one guy who was being like extra vicious where it was like making me like chortle because i was like jesus christ an animal and then finally i think it was like a a gal you can trust and he wrote like that one's good

and then immediately started writing sorry i'm sad in my car in an open mic right now things aren't going well okay christ that's good good guys i mean look i'm trying to enjoy people's lives yeah that guy posted through it also if it was the trans joke is the first one so if he was being vicious in the first 45 seconds and then had to apologize it's like geez come on man well i think it Well, I think it was in like the six minutes the chat was open before. Oh, gotcha, gotcha. But then what was he even making fun of? Just being a dick?

Sam's previous work? Yeah. You know, it's like, again, it's fun to hate on shit. Like, go crazy. It's honestly good for engagement. You know what I mean? Like, it only benefits the algorithm to be nasty. But, God, man, it's just like, oh, I tried to make a funny comedy video.

And then, I mean, Zach's been on there. Zach, we did the live showing at the Lyric on Wednesday. And Zach showed up and he's like, I've just been in the comments all day responding to people. I'm like, don't do that. That's funny. Yeah. This is what I was going to say. Get in there at some point. But don't, I don't know.

I think you can get better at seeing that shit if you see it. If you just avoid it, then it can still have that power. I don't know. But you just have to know that you're right and that they're wrong. Or they're just so, or they're fake. Or that's just their whole thing is being shitty and they think it's fine i it's crazy to me that people continue to do it like i used to get in the comments or whatever and be shitty when i was younger and then you everybody

should age out of that and get over it like how is it still so popular just be like go yourself and go yourself kill yourself like what you still do that i don't know people are insane but i can't i can't slap any hands because we've all been nasty online you know yeah but yeah it's just it's nuts when it's still a 40 year old that's still like just such a miserable piece of shit and now what's funny is thinking back to any of the nasty things that we might have said on this podcast about people who now i have to interact with digitally or face to face that's that's what's that is what's tough for me uh they're just thinking about like what have i said about this person uh you know anyway but yeah i'm happy with it we made some choices and uh confident choices and

i stand behind them and i hope everyone enjoyed it and keep sharing it because i'd love to get a million views by valentine's day that would really make my my nut valentine's is another month and a half god you're probably you'll have a million by president's day who knows man not my president's day by the time the insurrection fucking happens again yeah i would like to get the millionth view streamed from inside the uh the chambers in the house when they take it back on january 6th part two that would be great I guess that'll be 2025. No, no, that'll be in about seven days now.

It'll be great. I'm rooting for you, boys. No New Year's shows. You're in here first. There's going to be a New Year's show. They're blowing up Congress and then taking the White House. We're here for Pelosi's tits.

We're taking them to go. I'd get behind that. They just lop them off. I make earmuffs out of them. Talking about taking the power back and that's all they do it's just just cut them off

and then run away take them with we did it we had clear goals on this one mission accomplished drink beer out of it like the Stanley Cup yeah Becker i thanked you in the credits i don't know if you saw that i regret not thanking carlos but uh shout out carlos as well dude there's this kid named levi who came to the premiere who drove

in from haxton colorado like super small town and he's like i just want to let you he's fucking reeks of diesel oil uh you know he's covered in he's wearing like a a hoodie that's just stained with grease and his fingernails are like black he's like man i just drove two hours for this man it just feels so good for a guy from eastern colorado from the middle of nowhere to see someone doing well from out there man i'm just so just so happy for you and shit man i was always wanting to be a surveyor and then i was like fuck if sam can become a comedian i can become a fucking surveyor so in six months man i'm gonna have my surveyor certificate and i follow your mexican friend i follow carlos he's a badass man i'm like i'm like almost tearing up just to hear this this

kid who you know that rule yeah i'm sure that he blew coal all the way there uh you know just rolling coal and eating coke but it just felt good man so carlos there's a there's a kid out there there's a moon-faced young swinger who uh is really a very much a fan of yours carlos hell yeah oh my god. Carlos worked for me Tuesday because my gout was still too bad. That's huge. Shout out Carlos. He's the best.

Los dog. Los puppet. We just had a lady yell at bar staff for not being cool with the brown people. This is from a white woman saying that we need to be cooler to the brown folks in town, that we're all just these white assholes. Well, if those brown folks would quit eating clay, their skin tone would not change. They're choosing to be brown.

They keep trying to pay. They're choosing to be brown. They keep trying to pay... They're not people of color. They try to buy beers with old electronics and say, I don't want a PlayStation 1. What? No, I'm kidding. You have a barter system at your bar? No, I'm saying that's part of our... I was being facetious

about... Oh, well, here, let me speak to what I think about Trinidad that I thought that was 100% true. Some guy trying to buy a round with a Dreamcast, and you're like, eh, I never did beat Neverwinter Nights. All right, get over here, Curly. Give me some of that white gold. Perfect Dark was pretty cool.

I played Mario Party with my sister on Christmas. My sister and Mel played Mario Party. That was pretty sick. Nice. A lot of the games suck, but it was still fun. Right. I had a lot of good Mario Party hangs with the crew.

Oh, that's great. You were a little older than me, so you guys were probably drinking bush light and smoking schwag. I was just like 12 and being like, this is great. I get to beat my sister and she enjoys it? Fantastic. Yeah, no, it is.

Of course, I'd lose to Sophie and then I'd hold her head in a bowl of water and say, I'm giving you a bath, that kind of thing. Here's a fun one I forgot about. My sister reminded me that one time my mom came home from work and my dad, who had worked a swing shift, was napping upstairs

and I was giving Sophie a bath and uh my mom came home and she's like oh this is great all right I'm gonna change or she came back downstairs uh I had drawn a smiley face on my sister's butt with uh big eyes on it and then a smile across the part the cheeks and then I was like all right mom meet your new daughter and then Sophie came out and she had a baseball hat on on her butt and I alright mom meet your new daughter and then Sophie came out and she had a baseball hat on on her butt and I was like meet your new daughter and my mom was like what the fuck is going on here?

This is what's going on? When I'm not here? What was it drawn with? Like a sharpie. I was like six she was like three you know, I was like six. She was like three. You know? It's like, check this out, Mom. You have a new kid.

Becker, you look horrified by this. My internet was fucking up. I was just trying to play through and keep an eye on it. Okay, well, you didn't miss out. Don't worry. Did you ever pull that stuff with Kim? No. Jason and I would make fun of her for having a butt in the front,

but there was never any drawing on her. We didn't draw on her vagina. I didn't draw on my sister's vagina. I know. I'm saying. We didn't have any bathtub fun, I don't think. Yeah. Mom was probably on top of that, you know.

I always think there was a time when I was like eight and my buddy Kevin and I went sledding and we were hanging out with his grandma and she put us in the bath together and we like insisted on it. Yeah, but like we were too old. It was like, this fucking sucks. This is weird.

But, at least, you know, Grandpa didn't come in and finish the job. He stayed away. He was a big loser. Or Grandpa shows up and he's like, ooh, room for one more? Then you have to bathe with your grandfather. Right, yeah, he gets in. And, yeah, like in your special, he's a handicapped fella getting into the tub. And we're like, we're hard, but we don't know why.

We're eight. And he's like, I know why. He's like, I know why. You're into me. You're like a successful man. He's like, no, I think we're scared. Our dicks got hard just because, you know. There's only so many places for the

blood to go once hard with grandpa a nation-wide lullaby it's funny to think about like your grandpa having a boner just like in general you know yeah how about your you got to see your grandpa's i did hard dick I would tell you the story about him jerking off in the window what oh my god when so like we refused to because my grandma was so much worse off that we refused to believe that grandpa had any kind of like Alzheimer's or dementia but he used to make this like soup he called it his stew. And it was straight up. Have I told you about this soup of his?

It was like an old hobo thing. Where it was just literally whatever he had. Whatever canned goods. So it would be canned carrots, canned corn, canned peas. And then he would put in chicken. And then he would spice it with maple syrup and honey and cayenne pepper. And it was fine. But then as he went crazier and crazier,

as he went further and further from sane, he would add shrimp to it. And then all of a sudden, there would be... A newspaper. Yeah, there would just be whole string cheeses in there that he didn't even chop up. And then eventually it just devolved to him just having water with turkey floating in up and then eventually it just devolved to him like just like having

water with like turkey floating in it and him stirring it up but us having to be like it's really good grandpa thank you but so i think we really figured out like when he lost it because you know kenton my friend kenton i don't think so he came to the boston show he lived he lived he lived across the street from my grandpa and he's in my sister's grade. He's friends with Richard and them. And Kitten's mom used to come over. She's an angel of a woman, still is, Coney. I love her dearly.

She's like an aunt to me. And she would mow my grandpa's lawn when he couldn't anymore physically. And I guess one time she's mowing it, and then she's pushing it back across. My grandfather's standing in the window in the front of his house that looks out onto broadway and elizabeth just pulling his taffy while watching her and she was like okay better go close the blinds for ovi and then she came in and uh and he was like oh hey coney and i'm like came to some kind of clarity and realized his pants were down his dick was in his hand he's like oh much that needed to go to the bathroom and she's that's right ovi

and then called my dad and was like okay he's got to go into the crazy farm we gotta we gotta get him out of here yeah i've i think you've mentioned that but man man, that's a rough one. He gets a little clarity. A little clarity. Oh, hello. Oh, what was I doing? What was I up to? You were mowing the lawn. I must have been getting ready to clean this window,

and then I got distracted, so I had to take a tinkle. Yeah, he's like, I must be out of spray cleaner, and I was going to use urine like we used to do back in the hobo camps. Back in the Hoovervilles. Yeah, he was nuts. Becker, do we even have? Oh, let me check. Okay. In this moment, I just want to say thank you all so much for listening and sincerely

thank you for watching the special very proud of it uh nathan lund got thanked very high up as did the one known as creech uh no one said thank you i haven't seen that part yeah i get it you're busy the first 35 minutes and then i think i had to go to work i had to do you're busy making chocolate milk and not sharing it with anyone that's have i done that to you it's crazy you forget that you have no ad i'd hope that you would learn no ad do we have one last week no it's the hall we didn't do all right cool I love the holidays. God, Skip. Yeah, I know, I know. It's okay. Let me do an ad if you want to get some coffee from my wife.

Save a failing business, listeners. It's not failing. They're doing good. It's hanging on by a thread. Once they found out Becker didn't work there. We have a guy named Johnny that's working there now. Me and Megan hired. No, no, no.

This dude Johnny. Me and Megan hired. Yeah, you did the interview. I know. That's why I was making fun of myself for saying we. But this dude Johnny stopped talking. He's not talking right now. Without silence.

I don't know why. Like the guy in the movie Cockfighter? Release the hostages. He might be an Israel guy. I don't know. It might be get R. Kelly out of it until R. Kelly is freed. He's not going to speak. What?

He quit speaking? Is he still working? Yeah, he's working shifts. What? He quit speaking? Is he still working? Yeah, he's working shifts. And I'm sure it's very annoying for these ranchers or cowboys or people from Texas coming through to find this dude with a bunch of piercings and tattoos not speaking. Does he have a sign up that says why he's protesting?

I think he has a couple of signs that say things that he needs for work. I don't know. I've ignored it. I haven't wanted to know more. What the fuck? That would piss me off. And I'm not a rancher or a guy from Texas. Yeah.

Yeah, it's a choice. Hopefully it's for something cool. It's not until the McRib something cool. It's not until... It's probably to win Shinedown tickets. Fire him! Get some coffee from Megan. Yeah, call Johnny at Mutiny. Shut up.

Email Mutiny on Main Street at Gmail, and you can get some coffee from Megan she has a bunch of great stuff that you can buy from her and she'll ship it to you yeah and also if you want to get some of her panties make sure you get them on Wednesday after her long bike ride coffee and panties

Megan's coffee and panty outlet get some of Katarina's bras we'll sell those no we can auction those those aren't for sale get some boxers from boston we'll show a picture of boston some people like motorcycle guys boston's cool man he's a he's a bad it's a bad randy i talked to him for quite a while at sophie's wedding. At first because he just was saying how much he liked the pod, but we kept talking. Because we're talking about four-wheelers? We talked through it and just got to whatever, like talking about his, I don't know.

Yeah, you have two similar interests I can think about. He killed his own dad. Just like you. No, no, but we had a good chat you pulled a Johnny on your father and just didn't speak to him until he died oh man what fun

hey so if you like this kind of fun join our Patreon we've never missed one patreon.com slash show of behemoth get over there five bucks a month gives you so much content. And then, good God, I've got some shit coming up. How would you guys like to see me open for Bert Kreischer at the

Broadmoor World Arena in Colorado Springs? Nice. I'd love that. Dude, I have a couple of wacky months coming up. But Chicago, me and Len will be in Chicago the 4th, 5th, and 6th of January. Come to those shows

because those are going to be hot as a $2 pistol. And then Cleveland, Hilarities, West Nyack, New York, Timonium, Maryland, and Magoobies, Phoenix,

Levittown, New York, Traverse City, Michigan, Dallas, Vancouver, Hood River, Oregon, Bloomington, Indiana, Providence, SamTalent.com has all the dates,

has all the ticket links. And then you can see me opening for Bert Kreischer for two weeks at his Topsoff World Tour through Texas, Arizona, Wyoming, New Mexico, and Colorado. And I expect you guys to come out to either the New Mexico dates or the Colorado Springs dates. I like to imagine him taking his shirt off before he goes on stage and he throws it over your head for two weeks straight. You catch it with your head. It stinks.

I like to imagine him kind of like the Joker, putting on his makeup, but it's the shirt. He's just standing in front of a mirror and he takes the shirt off and he's like time to make the donuts he has a different act he's a different voice he's like all right bertrand time to give them what they want to show a night of mirth hello rio rancho new mexico who wants to see my nipples are you you doing Rio Rancho? I think it's Rio Rancho, yeah. I don't know, dude. It's probably that same gig, right? That big casino or whatever? No, dude, it's arenas, bro.

We're doing the fucking Budweiser Event Center, the Broadmoor World Arena. It's going to be crazy. I don't have an act right now. What am I going to do? Go up there and riff? Yeah, you're going to have to dick around. Yeah, yikes.

Do some of the jokes from the special. Who cares? I'm for sure doing the Bud Light joke opening for Burt. Are you crazy? Yeah, you're gay. I wonder how many wads in the crowd take their shirts off, or has that been an issue? Burt comes on stage and they take their shirts off. And he's like, I will not perform until everyone's shirt is back on. It's like when a straight edge band plays and people are smoking cigarettes.

They're like, we're not going on until everyone puts out their cigs. He's up there like, I see a man with his shirt off. Oh, that's a woman with a double mastectomy. Either way, put that shirt back on. That's my thing. Is people security having a talk to them? Sir, please put your shirt back on.

Mr. Gratia will not come back out. He's the performer, so it's okay if he's shirtless, but we need you to have a shirt on. Please. There's only two rules. No fat chicks, and no one takes their shirt off. And we weren't serious about the first one

if you look around thank you all for listening goodbye join the Patreon or else