Chubby Behemoth - Sausage Slave

Episode Date: November 1, 2020

$10 if empty, $5 if full. One Tum. I'm John.   This weeks sponsor Hold The Phone! https://holdthephone.tv/   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth.

Hello, everybody! Welcome to another episode of Chubby Behemoth. It's me, your regular host, Sam Talent, joined as always by Jake Becker. And our guest today is none other than the TikTok sensation Nathan the Rappin' Baby Lund. Nathan, thank you for being here today. It's an honor to be here. I can't believe I'm in Ohio. Well, it's good to have you here in Dayton, the hub of the quadrangle. We are glad to have the rapping baby with us, the man who's all about the pee-pee and the doo-doo. That's all that he eat. Poo-poos. Change me, I'm full.

And, unfortunately, the shows tonight at the Funny Bone are full. So you're going to have to maybe dress up like a baby and try to sneak in with people that look like they could be your parents. We did hear that from management. If you come in a diaper, it's ten bucks to get in if it's empty, five if it's full. So join us tonight at the Dayton Funny Bone right there on Halliburton and I-19. It's going to be a barrel of laughs. Now, Nathan, what is it like being both a man and a baby and a rapper? How does that work, occupying all three of those spheres at once?

Well, you know, I wear a lot of hats. They're three different sizes because I commit to the bit, you know. So each of my characters has their own backstory, waist size, metabolism. So it can get confusing. I can lose myself in these performances and then it's been two weeks and I haven't looked in the mirror and seen myself.

Well, you look good. Oh, thanks. But then I look at my bank account and I feel better. I'm like, I don't care who I am as long as these checks keep coming. And I heard that last night the Tuesday night shows were sold out. That's got to feel pretty good to be a baby and a rapper and a man

who can move units on Rock and Roll Tuesday here in the lollipop city. Well, yeah, you know, we got the album coming out soon. Hoping that the people that have been, you know, packing into shows despite the

coronavirus pandemic will... Well, you're lucky because babies can't get the virus. I think that's helped, you know, packing into shows, uh, despite the coronavirus pandemic, will, uh... Well, you're lucky, because babies can't get the virus. I think that's helped, yeah, is that, uh, I have a younger crowd, uh, a lot of my, a lot of my, uh, audience still, uh, being aged with months instead of years, and so that, uh,

I think has helped us on the road so far. We've seen a lot of 18 and over shows, but you're the only one who was 18 and under. What's that like having the TikTok demo in the room with you? Well, you know, you have to have the trust of the parents. That's the word, trust. That means we're giving away six tickets to the county fair right here in Doppelganger County. Oh, it's a baby!

And that means it's time for a riff from Nathan the Rappin' Baby. His new album, Always Sweaty Diaper Heavy, is dropping on SoundCloud. Because he's a rapper. That's right. Yeah, you gotta take me seriously.

I hope to be, you know, at the Source Awards, at the BET Hip Hop Awards. Yeah, you know, it's a gimmick, sure, but a lot of rappers that are taken seriously have gimmicks. Some of these guys came from the suburbs, and they have a whole persona that is not their true selves, and that's the case with me. I'm not actually a baby. Spoiler alert. But I do like your backstory that you cracked out of an egg on July 4th, 1999, right there when we were all waving the flag right before 9-11.

It was a different time. That egg, what was it like in there? Well, it was warm. It was insulated, obviously. Warm in the egg. We tried to get as close. Warm in the egg. Insulated egg. We tried to recreate an emu's egg because it was obviously a very big egg.

Is that where you got the name for your last album, Emo Egg? No, no. That was my emo phase. The emu egg was 99, so we were were trying to do like a kind of like a rap metal kind of a thing Hawthorne Heights right here in Dayton the pride of Dayton is that right I'm pretty sure my son was in the band I haven't seen him in 13 years answer the calls Jared

I miss you mama's sick now you have made the transition from back in the day you weren't the rapping baby, you were the emo toddler. And you have grown backward, it looks like. What artists evolve, you have devolved. And I'm loving it. I feel like, yeah, one of the complaints of child actors, of anyone who's successful in show business when they're young,

is that they get older and they grow up maybe a little too fast you know they're getting duis they're slapping waitresses asses and so uh getting older can be a bad thing so i thought what if i never get older what if i actually get younger with every release with each you know halloween all of a sudden i'm uh yeah i so yeah it's my evolution is uh kind of a sudden I'm, uh, yeah, I, so yeah, it's my evolution is, uh, kind of a backwards evolution. Don't call it a devolution, uh, because I'm still growing. And, uh, yeah, I'm excited. I'm just excited. Just excited to get back out on the road, get in my bus. Are you tired of playing the hits? Get in my crib. Because as we know,

your last number one single, Baby Wants His Milk, Teething Ring, Volume 4, went big on the charts. And look, I played it. My last arraignment, I entered the room, the courtroom, to that song. That's an honor. Yes, it was. I wish the honorable judge would have seen it the same way, but I guess he forgot his glasses that day. Yeah, I just want to entertain people. I don't mind playing the hits because that's just people remembering where I've been.

Well, let's look at some of your big hits. Spinners on the Stroller. Spinners on the Stroller, yeah. That was a big one. Yeah, I was a little cocky, a little confident. Lactation Nation. Everybody was getting their rides blinged out, getting pimped out by Exhibit. And I was like,

yeah, here's Exhibit A. I'm a baby. Now, I don't want to go a little deep on this, but you have had a little bit of controversy in your career. Do you want to talk about the incident at Applebee's? Listen, yeah, I mean, sometimes it's hard

to just be Nathan Ln, you know? And I was getting swarmed by people. There was a lot of chaos. My manager, my agent were both getting smacked around by this woman that was very angry with me. And I must say, it's pretty cool that your manager and agent are the Menendez brothers. They have done a good job taking care of me. I feel like I'm kind of a father figure to them. Well, watch out. They have done a good job taking care of me. I feel like I'm kind of a father figure

to them. Meanwhile, they're raising me. Their last daddy. Well, allegedly. Jury's still out. The jury came back in, but the figurative jury's still out. But the literal jury is in.

They are guilty of murder. They're in prison. They're able to do a lot with a fax machine and a pencil that's not too sharp. They have to have a blunt pencil in there. But the contracts look good to me, so I can't complain. Look, our own producer, Jake Becker, he's gotten some trouble at Applebee's before. He was once pulled out of there in a blackout fugue state screaming, all you can eat apps

means all you can eat. He was in there for a record 17 days before they finally took him down with that sniper's dart. Yeah, well, hey, I don't know if it's, maybe it's something in the water at Applebee's, man, because I felt like a different person in there entirely.

I felt like a whole other character that I haven't even done on stage for money yet. I've given up on water. I've been drinking my own bottled urine. And I must say, it's warmer than the tap. That's what you're drinking right now? That's right. Right here. You thought it was mellow yellow, but I'm not that way, fellow.

This is my own piss. Yum, yum. Glug, glug, glug, glug. What was that noise? Uh oh, that means we're giving away tickets to see the rapping baby. Don't get it confused with the knock off, the poet baby.

I'm so tired. Guncha. I've been sleeping in my own car with a gun under the pillow. And by pillow I mean in the glove box where I put my head. That's where your head goes when you sleep, in a car. That's right. That's just how the body folds.

You get head on the... That's not bad, huh? It's not the worst. Well, you heard it here first, guys and gals. If you're a baby and you gotta love him, come on down to see the rapping baby Nathan Lund at the Dayton Funny Bone. Shows Wednesday, Thursday, Friday. No shows Saturdays, but he's back on Sunday.

Saturdays for soccer. They use soccer. My whole demographic is playing soccer. They're trying to earn some type of badge. And so, yeah, I actually lose money if I perform on Saturdays. So come on through, though, you know, any other day.

Dress like a baby. Get in there. We'll put you in the back. You heard it here first. Get in the back. And now, speaking of getting in the back, we are kicking out the back catalog of Foghat with this one. Big Titty Witch Woman.

Don't whisper on my grave. Alright, quit doing that voice. We're out. Great segment, Nathan. Thank you. Thank you for joining us here today. Uh, yeah. Wait, so you're gonna stop doing the voice, but I'm still a guest on your show.

We're off the air now. Thankfully, yeah. I thought you were an actual DJ. You're saying that was a voice. No, no, I am an actual DJ, but I don't talk that way all the time. You put that hat on and immediately started talking like that. It didn't seem like it was on purpose. Well, I am wearing this Cosby hat because it's Stick or Treat tonight, everyone.

And this is coming out tomorrow. And let's just say me and Christy Bukley are pudding on a show. Yeah, you're being annoyingly secretive, you and Bukley both. As if I'm on the fence about buying a ticket and you you're like, you've got to come to find out. Just fucking tell me, dude. Who cares? I'll tell you. No, I don't even care anymore. You and Christy both blew it.

Now I'm just going to not have fun the whole time. You couldn't care more. All you've been talking about since we got here is who are you going to be, how are you going to change my life tonight. Tugging on your hoodie sleeve. Yeah, exactly. Hey, mister, who are you going to be? Hey, mister, it's me nathan lund i'm just

a little guy you're gonna be a hiker do you have a cat eye hiker canceled oh yeah it's popping off in iowa another derecho keeping him from coming through yeah that was the best episode we've had hiker the hiker episode i barely talked exactly that's why it ruled oh and we're back yeah the song what no okay you got cancelled

wearing that hat oh baby where am I gonna sleep tonight my car's being towed it's tough to talk to a loved one in this voice I'll say that baby

please come home I didn't mean it yeah stick or treat tonight it's always a fun time baby please come home I didn't mean it yeah stick or treat tonight it's always a fun time everybody's really excited it's necessary it's important

ahead of election day people need this this is the last time we're allowed to laugh I can't wait for people walking by who are blackout to just scream at us. Probably negative things. Maybe some support.

But I'll bet it'll be a lot of negative screaming. Who the fuck are you? It's just Crystalia, but the real Crystalia walking by. I used to do that. I couldn't get booked. Probably because I looked like a sleepy eagle. That's his opener on his special. I look like a tired eagle. That's his opener on his special. Nice.

He looks like a tired eagle. Wow. Let's move some units. Smacking that crowd around. Breaking news. The crowd has been smacked around by Chris D'Elia. He has taken a hostage. We're going live to our man on the street.

It's Nathan Lund. Nathan, what is the situation down there outside Denver's Central Market? Chris D'Elia is shirtless, screaming, telling people how much money is in his bank account, showing people screenshots of what appear to be ATM receipts, clearly obsessed with money. He thinks that that is the only measure of success. with money. He thinks that that is the only measure of success. And also acting as if he can't

see anybody that is shorter than six feet tall, which seems inappropriate. A lot of his fans, I'm sure, are of a lesser height. Sounds like most women on dating apps. Trust me, being four foot eight, I know. It's tough out there for the little kings.

I'm not talking the creamy beers from Rochester. I'm talking about little men. Maybe they didn't get enough natal vitamins. I don't know. Either way, I'm too small to be loved. Another fog hat hit coming right now. I'm the bagel boss, and I've got to tell you. God, bagel boss ruled, man.

Where's he? We could probably get him to cameo. He's on cameo. Who's Bagel Boss? Who's Bagel Boss? Come on, Becker. Becker, you pretending to be dumb? No, I don't know.

I'm just dumb. The Bagel Boss was famous... Was that the beginning of this year? Or last year? You don't remember? He assassinated Abe Lincoln lincoln oh yeah jumped off the balcony that's right yeah he got uh he got filmed in a bagel bus in like new york being an asshole and it was he was like very mad and he thought that people were laughing at him i don't

think because he was like four foot six he was Oh, he like tried to fight a guy and somebody else talked about him. He tried to fight a guy and he got put down like a little kid. I do remember this. I didn't know his name was Bagel Boss. You remember how Pokemon

used to have, they introduced the babies that cracked out of the eggs? There was like baby Pikachu. Remember Care Bear Cousins? If Jim Norton had a baby Pokemon, that would be Bagel Boss.

He was kind of a... He looked just like Norton. Oh, because yeah, he had a shaved head. Yeah. I was going to say, maybe he had a baby Pokemon, that would be big of a fuss. He was kind of a... He looked just like Norton. Oh, because, yeah, he had a shaved head. Yeah. I was going to say, maybe he had kind of a Bobby Slayton face. I think I'm Bobby Collins. Am I? Yeah.

How did your live show go last night with Lewis Johnson? It was okay. Okay. It did feel like hanging out in the green room, which I miss. Yeah, me too, man. Comics. Kicking it. Talking some smack. it did feel like hanging out in the green room which I miss comics kicking it talking some smack

I mostly just tried to make sure that I could suck up to Lou a little because he likes it he's very funny so we reminisced a little bit about the good old days oh because he complained about you he said there was a time

where you guys were on a show together and you switched with him bit about the good old days. Oh, because he complained about you. He said there was a time where you guys were on a show together and you switched with him because you didn't want to follow him. It was in Boulder. You're going to bury me. And then you buried him. And he was upset.

It was in Boulder for the new Boulder Comedy Show. And Lou Johnson had been doing stand-up you know since before it was he's been doing it longer than me yeah exactly he's been doing it for 40 years so i deferred to have lou go last out of respect there was nothing there was fear in my in my shears it was clipping it was self-preservation no it wasn't it fear. And I happened to have a good set because I was on stage. Who's surprised? You were leaning and cleaning. You had time to lean and time to clean.

I was leaning and he was done, man. All right? So it was girls all over again. But, yeah, that's not what happened. Well, I just told them that it is difficult. Nobody wants to follow him. We used to have to follow him when we weren't very funny, and it sucked.

He'd show up at the Squire, go up there and destroy, and then you had to go after him and just get maybe looked at. Yeah, but that was also a defense mechanism at the Squire, because I would go up and crawl on the booths, and I would ask a knock-knock joke to some Chad who wasn't listening, and if he didn't respond, I would just drop the mic on his head.

I was bonking people. With the cord, I would let the cord slack out and it would hit him in the forehead, and I'd be like, Wrong answer! And just crawl along. Put my fingers in someone's mouth. It was real proto-Ben Roy. Yeah, so I mean, the Squire, I always hated it there.

You guys loved it, because you were like were like oh we can go there and be artists man we're like Hemingway in Spain it was nice to have a crowd that sometimes was good sometimes they could be really good and listen but if there were a bunch of turds or sometimes it didn't matter who was up there and when sometimes they just wanted to talk

louder and louder every few minutes and that that was the whole night. But I don't know. I also lived off those bar tabs. You guys had, like, high-paying jobs. Like, I remember you were financial analyst. Yeah. Sharpie worked for the Secretary of State.

Bobby was a high-paid assassin. He worked for a secretary. He was a secretary's assistant. He didn't have a lot to do. Sharpie could go as Bagel Boss for Halloween. Shave those locks? He wouldn't even have to kneel on his shoes. Yeah, I would have felt bad for him,

but also it's funny to think that everywhere he goes, if anyone laughs at anything, he takes it personally. What? You're laughing at my... You think I've got a tiny dick? Oh, I got a little baby dick? That's what everyone's thinking, huh? Oh, I got a roll of certs in there, huh? Oh, wow. Cool. One tum. That's what I got. I just got

heartburn, because I've got the remedy right here. Is that what you're thinking? Is that what you texted an ex-lover last night? Huh? That is a funny guy. Just always always on edge. The next motherfucker

that giggles near me is gonna hear it. He's in the doctor's office, like, signing up the paperwork. One of the receptionist giggles. He's like, oh, what? Is it because I checked the box for having a baby penis? Huh? Did you see that all the way over there?

That's right. It's too small. Bagel Boss rules. He's the official mascot of the show. He was supposed to fight somebody. Yeah, I think Dustin Diamond. I think it might have been. Yeah, I put a bunch of money on Screech.

Dustin Diamond has a huge dick. I don't want to know about it. You didn't see that tape? No. Becker, bring it up. I also didn't know. Becker, bring it up on the monitor. No, thanks. Yeah, so Dustin Diamond's swinging real staff.

That's good for him, I guess. Because he looks like he looks. It was revealed that it was a fake penis. Whoa! Breaking news, everybody! We've got a cracking open story right now. He confessed to Cosmo

Magazine that it was a last second sex tape stunt penis. What? Yes. How do you attach a stunt penis? I think they shoot someone else's pelvis area. What kind of green screen magic is that? I don't know. It's not green screen.

It's editing, so you have his face and his full body shot a couple times but then close-ups are a different person. So does his dick have a green sock on it? Sam. Well, I'm sorry I'm not a dick green screen wizard. Have you seen Orgasmo?

No, it was rated R. Yeah, I forgot. Anything that's critical of Mormons. If it's not a Judd Apatow movie, I don't watch it. All right? You don't watch it. Alright? You don't have enough time. Those things are long. I know, yeah.

Well, look. The only movies I've seen, Corky Romano, alright? Wedding Crashers, and Schindler's List. I like that range. Yeah. Just every day, you go through all of the emotions Watching those movies You guys want some cookies? I laugh, I cry

Now it's time for Corky Romano It'd be funny if Corky Romano was in Schindler's List Let's give these kids some cookies Shut up Shut up It's me, Schindler It's me, Arnold Schwarzenegger As Schindler You've me Arnold Schwarzenegger As Schindler

You've made it To my list Oh Joining us live In studio I'm checking it twice I want to know Who's been Natty

And who's been Corky Romano Oh man What a weekend Is that right? Oh, man. What a weekend. Is that right? Yeah. What else have you had going on? Well, I've just...

You know, last night Emily was off. And she came home and she looked like a carcass. And I had to bring her back to life with a little bit of... A little bit of digit action. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. A little bit of digit action. Watch some SNL digital shorts. Yeah, we did. Lazy Sunday. Sato and linguists.

And it's just a bunch of people mispronouncing words. And the sadists are like, yeah, give it to me. Way high, Emily. Can't to me. Way high, Emily. Can't save lives 24-7, Emily. Sometimes you gotta shut those peepers, get some rest. She didn't save many lives this week. 12 dead. She's got the yips.

Yeah, she's like a golfer making it to the tour. Can't throw out a third. By throw out a third, I mean put in a stint. I had that happen. I'm kidding. My wife didn't kill anyone this week. Well, I feel like those... It sounds like she could have saved at least a couple of those

people if she weren't taking a smoke break every 15 minutes. She switched to snooze. She's just hawking. She's got to dip in all the time. You got drug, answer, brother. there was a time where sharpie and i were uh at i think it's a daily park in baker not too far from here that's right and we were throwing a baseball back and forth and uh we we both saw two different people separately and we didn't talk about it till after we were

done playing catch but we both had similar experiences because i could see a guy go into a bush and then come out with pulling his pants up so he almost certainly took a shit in the bush yeah oh australian style and then uh feeding the tarantula it's not just one bush as as far as the bush but uh so i tell sharpie i'll be yeah pretty sure i saw a guy that took a shit in the bush he goes did you see that woman on the bench i was like no there's this older woman that was uh wasted on one of theches. And Sharpie said that while she was sitting there, she pissed herself. And then stood up and just trudged off. Just left a fucking puddle.

And so, yeah, we didn't have that much fun at the park. It should have been a nice day with friends. Tossing the old egg around. Tossing the old cow balls. You know, just chucking a sheep's nuts back and forth. Yeah. But it got ruined. Big city living is what that is.

See, I think that it's fun, that kind of thing. Uh-huh. It seems like a Flannery O'Connor short story came to life. You know? I was just privy to a woman tapping back into her animal nature. Yeah. Pulling the pin on a piss grenade. Sitting in it.

As birds lilt overhead. Mmm, it's warm. Reminds me of those days back at Grandmother's house. Summering. There on the cape. But no, it's not the cape water licking at me. It's my own piss and I'm sitting in it. Mmm, yes.

I wonder if she drank it. Radio DJ stuff. Oh, I hope so. It's good for your throat. I can't afford tea. There's always that guy and then there's this guy. Oh, that guy's cool. I don't smoke, but it sounds like it. He's been smoking. He's lying.

I'm currently being choked by my ex-wife. Oh, baby. I'm loving it. I'm rock hard.oked by my ex-wife. Oh, baby. I'm loving it. I'm rock hard. Look me in the eye, Debra, as you steal the wind from his pipe. Becker. Yeah. What an existence that is.

Toss it to Becker. The morning radio guy. Those guys have it pretty cool, though. They work like two hours a day. If you can call it working. Yeah. It's a real humdinger out there, right by the Bennigans

on 14th. Sophie called you out and said that there has never been a Bennigans in Elizabeth, nay, in Elbert County. Yeah, she's wrong. Sounds like you're pinch-fibbing over there just painting

a false flag of a canvas with your lies. We're gonna listen to Sophie, literally one of the dumbest people alive. Or me, proven genius. He's a hot founder himself. Okay, we all make mistakes. Walking

snooze button. I didn't know that there was a Bennigan's until I was told that by some reputable sources. I don't want to name who they are. Doesn't know the difference between a U and an O, and we're talking high school kids. My sister. Okay, let's listen to her. Well, it's the blind leading the deaf out there. She's dumb as hell.

My sister, the fart sniffer talent? Yeah. Me and my dad used to play a game called the fart game where we'd go fart on Sophie and then we'd be like, game over, you can't play. So she couldn't ever fart on us. Did she want to? Of course, she wanted to play.

She wanted to get some points. She had the lowest score ever in the history of the league. Get some stink points. One time, we used to do that trick where we'd get soft serve from McDonald's, you know? My dad loved to get soft serve when he was still drinking. He couldn't have a drink while he was driving us, so he had to eat like seven ice cream cones to get the shakes away. So we'd always go into Parker and we'd get soft serve.

And I did that thing with Sophie. I was like, you want to try mine? And of course she did, because she was a little oinker. She had some? She already had. She had the exact same flavor as me. But again, this is your fucking go-to genius

on if there was a Bennigan's or not. Girl who's too dumb to know that we both have vanilla. And I'd be like, try mine, it's good. It's better than yours, and she'd be good. And I'd give her a nudge and she'd get it in her face. I did that to her one too many times, and the camel's back broke. And she took her ice cream cone and embedded it

on the top of my head and gave me a giant streak and left the cone hanging like a horn like a tiny little clown hat and I was like I started crying and my dad

I expected him to be the voice of reason to step in and my dad almost crashed the car he was laughing so hard so that's who we're

dealing with here that's the brain trust i come from it's amazing i haven't swallowed my tongue because i thought it was taffy all right yeah what is this growing up in those dumb those dumb confines becker yep okay becker's here eat anything weird oh here i did something fun we don't have to go to that thank thank God. What did Becker eat? That segment, all the pigs want to hear. I refereed the talent show. Not refereed, I judged the talent show for the National... Keep it clean, fellas.

National Federation of the Blind last night. Yeah. What a wild scene that was. Uh-huh. It was pretty good. It was. Well, no. No.

It was, you know, It was its own thing. You were the celebrity judge. I literally was. We got Sam Talent here, who apparently is a comedian. Well, they kept saying, hey, we have a comedian from Denver, the biggest comedian in Denver. And I heard people in the chat saying, it's Josh Blue. Oh, good, Josh Blue's here.

Oh, I love Josh Blue. And then Eileen was like, it's Sam Talent. And everyone was like, F. Just F in the chat saying, it's Josh Blue. Oh, good, Josh Blue's here. Cool, I love Josh Blue. And then Eileen was like, it's Sam Talent. And everyone was like, F. Just F in the chat. They thought they were hitting F. It was all Js. Just question marks. People logging off.

Yeah, it was quite the display of different talents, you know? Yeah. A lot of off-key piano being played. People were muted during their performance because they couldn't figure out where the unmute button was. Oh, no. Yeah, and then they'd turn to me like, Sam, how was it? And I'd be like, wow, breathtaking stuff. Quite the visual tableau. Yeah. Eileen asked me at one point if I was wearing my National Federation of the Blind hat, the Live the Life You Want hat with Live the Life You Want in Braille on it. Yeah.

And I was like, yeah, I sure am. No one knew. What about the people that were tuned in that were just fans? They didn't know. Of Raw Talent. They were all wasted. They were being drunk.

They finally had a break, you know, from taking care of their loved ones who were about to sing the third miley cyrus song of the evening oh yeah before he cheats just every other performance like all right we got another take on carrie underwood you would have loved it oh yeah yeah i think you would have loved it i love amateur performances i like the process i... That's why I hosted an open mic for eight years. Yeah, I just like raw meat. I like seeing

how the sausage gets made. Once it's done, and it's selling like hotcakes? Boring. I'm a sausage slave, man. I like the origin story. I like the... How did Precious become Precious? Yeah, exactly. You want to see the parents get shot in the alley.

You want to see Monique screaming at poor Precious. Me and Buechle said that we should both be Monique for Stick or Treat. That'd be pretty great. Two very different takes on Monique. I mean, I can't figure out why Blackface is insulting, but I guess I'm not going to do it. It's a tough one. Well, it's because of minstrelsy, right? That's why people don't like it?

Because of its negative history? Yeah, well, yeah. I think because so much of it has always been like a shitty caricature as opposed to any kind of real... And those characters, the blackface characters, were always like dumb or exaggerated

and played for laughs. What if you did a spot on impression of someone? Jimmy's still in trouble for that Carl Malone. Okay, you think that was spot on? Yeah. Oh my god, that was very insulting. Have you seen Carl Malone talk? Yeah. Okay.

Watch him defend himself with that 15 year old and him get real stumbly. Oh, well. Well, you ever had to defend yourself against rape accusations? But also none of... Because you start stumbling. Look at Joe Biden. But he wasn't doing it in any, like, known stereotype.

He was just playing Karl Malone all soft and... Okay, now you're doing the voice. Yeah. Oh, no. That's the Karl Malone voice, though. That's not another voice. That's not what Jimmy sounded like. Okay. Jimmy was like, this the Carl Malone voice That's not another voice That's not what Jimmy sounded like Jimmy was like

This here Carl Malone He didn't put any S's on the end of words I don't think that that was true Okay so you guys are both Jimmy Kimmel apologists You just said you don't understand it I wasn't serious Jesus

I get why it rules. His Oprah one was offensive. Wasn't fat enough. We're not going to Arizona anymore. We're not going to Arizona. Breaking news. All the Tucson fans. All the Tucson...

Yeah, the... The Chubblets trying to chase the Chub down there. We had sold out all but the early afternoon show. It sucks, man. We had the rapping baby who was going to make it a performance. Goo, a-goo, a-ga, a-ga-ga. It's me. Where's my da-da?

Rap, rap, rap rap rap rap and baby rap rap rap rap and baby but yeah it's the right move we should not go did you do a bunch of ketamine before we did this one I did a bunch of laundry it looks like you're looking through you look like a Vietnam veteran

I'm looking through you you are yeah what do you see well it's the Sam Talent show today you're looking through, you look like a Vietnam veteran. I'm looking through you. You are, yeah. What do you see? Well, it's the Sam Talent Show today. You're fucking a DJ. You've got, you're wearing many hats. I just went into A True Thing and didn't spice it up with a bunch of sound effects. So you could say that that's ketamine induced.

Well, yeah, we're not going to Arizona, man. I mean, it's the right thing to do. That's all. We wanted to go down there do laughs in tucson as a young comedian we both dreamed of doing laughs in tucson i was there with jake sharon my 10 years ago really yeah i hosted he featured and we were with that dude sean kent is he the last comic standing cancer guy? The Rain Man? No, that's Kemp. Oh, fuck. Damn. Sean Kent can dunk from the free throw. That's right.

So that's why you're getting confused. He does have a lot of kids. And I think he's from Seattle. Uh-oh. We're on to something. No. Yeah, I think that's Sean Kent. Okay.

Is his name, I believe. He had cancer. Becker's looking it up. Like twice. Ball cancer? I don't remember. That'd be pretty funny. If I had cancer...

His balls didn't look like they had cancer. No? But they don't always. Sometimes they get all big and swelled up with whatever it is, collagen. Yeah. And baby phalluses. What goes into chemo? There's all kinds of shit in chemo.

Our balls are pretty much just landmines we're waiting to step on. But, yeah. Yeah, for sure. You're just rolling those dice. Once you get snake eyes, guess what? Your balls are poison. How'd that go with Jake Sharon? Awful.

It was a rough. This was a time. Can you imagine? It was a rough. This was a time. Can you imagine? It's so funny. If anybody that's been doing stand-up for like two years here in Denver, like the last two years, if they knew of a time when some of the most random people were in and regularly featured at Comedy Works, because there were like 15 comics here that were working. It was a different time, man.

It was crazy, man. Yeah, Jake Sharon was like on the list, you know, hosting shows, doing stuff. That's when Andrew Orvidal lit himself on fire. Andrew Orvidal. In protest. Gun in his mouth. Because he hated Jake Sharon so much.

Yeah, it was... Jordan Zuckerman was at the top of the charts. Zuckerman was tearing shit up. The Zuck truck? The rapping baby himself. He literally was! I stole my act from Zuckerman. He was the original rapping baby. He was like if the bagel boss only ate bagels.

He was five foot tall, 430 pounds. He looked like Fred Durst if he was stung by a bunch of bees and scorpions. Like if Fred Durst fell asleep on a red ant pile and just woke up swollen. He was the first guy

to take me on the road. Yeah. He was with me in Breckenridge with that racist dude that kept telling all the racist jokes with Troy Walker. Oh, yeah, yeah. That's what I told the story. People don't know about Jake Sharon. Jordan was like, I can't do any cocaine.

My heart will explode. And I was like, it's all right, buddy. I'll do the cocaine. Look at me. Don't worry about that. I'm an Adonis. Yeah. It can't faze me. I'm nice andonis. Yeah. I can't phase you.

I'm nice and healthy. My heart's as strong as that horse that I ate. Damn, Jake Sharon, dude. Jake Sharon. You know what I remember about Jake was he kept describing his frustrations with dating, and it really came down to he wanted a young lady who was very sexual and adventurous and down for whatever. But he didn't want her to have done any of that stuff with anyone else. Oh, boy.

He wanted someone who was... Little Schrodinger's pussy. He wanted someone who had all of the trappings of a very sex, positive, fun, crazy kind of a time, but who had only written in their journal about it. He wanted a 15-year-old that was ready to become an adult. A 15-year-old who only read Victorian bodice rippers. I like that. A suicide girl who hadn't cut her know, cut her wrists at all. Yeah, a suicide girl who had safety scissors.

Who hadn't been stabbed. Literally. Yeah. No pain. But, so yeah, that was like, you know, I had to be like, yeah, it's got to be tough looking for the right person or whatever. Yeah. But yeah. Meanwhile, you were down at the Benn the right person or whatever. Yeah. But yeah. Meanwhile, you were down at the Bennigan's just fucking chopping through swing staff waitresses.

Just. No. I don't know. We were out for like 10 days or something. Jesus Christ, 10 days with Sharon? With Sharon, yeah. Oh, you know about Jake Sharon? Sharon the road.

Jake Sharon got a tattoo on his arm that said a good poop. And it was a turd.d giving a thumbs up for his closer because people always say if you're going to get a tattoo it's something that will mean something to you when you're 80 years old so I got this tattoo because I think a good poop is going to mean a lot to me when I'm 80 years old

it's called committing to the bit it used to be reviled wait revered he used to wear fingerless gloves on stage. No, he didn't. Yeah, he did, in sunglasses. Well, that was like second wave, because he cut his hair. Remember?

He was the Jesus. Oh, yeah. He was Jesus. He had long hair. And then he had the rebrand as camo vest, short hair. He dressed like a bounty hunter. Yeah. Like Becker's parents when they were going to go bang. Put on the vest, short hair. He dressed like a bounty hunter. Yeah. Like Becker's parents when they were

going to go bang. Put on the vest, baby. I want more pockets. We stayed with, you know Mike Sen, right? He was an Arizona guy. Of course, yeah. We stayed with him. He was teetering on the edge of insanity. Oh, yeah. He saw some shit in the military

and it was there, like, buried but i saw him get pissed once and that i think he was in the marines and fucking that marine came he woke up he got unburied pretty quick and he was ready to roll i didn't know he was a marine he was in the military he might have been in the army but he was definitely like a pretty badass guy yeah, you didn't know because he was very soft-spoken. His jokes were very... Most of them were very silly. But yeah, he's been in Texas for a while.

But we stayed with him in Arizona. And Jake thought it was funny to hide like 50 of his business cards in Mike's apartment. business card business cards in mike's apartment oh my god and he also had this little keychain thing that made noise played noises like uh like a high-pitched tone oh you can't do surprise noises around a marine he did dude well he's gonna go hide underneath the couch he started playing just like a high-pitched tone and acted you know oh what's that you know and and so we're like looking and mike's's like, look. He thought it was a ceiling fan or something. And eventually I realized what was going on.

Because he had done some of the sound effects in like a grocery store or something. And so I knew that he had a little thing. And so I hear that tone. And I was like, this motherfucker. Like we stayed with Mike for like a week. Yeah. Free, you know? He was doing us a big favor.

Why were you in Tucson for a week? Jake booked us a bunch of great shows. We were in Tempe and Phoenix first. And then we did that Honda Casino in, like, northern Arizona. So we were like we just had quite a few gigs in and around Phoenix so we maybe it wasn't a full

week but it was more than a couple of nights we were there so it was very nice of Mike and yeah I got to commiserate with him a little bit just be like yeah sorry dude I don't fucking that must have been I was pretty new here.

It was probably like 2009 or something. I hadn't been here that long. So I was like, oh, a bunch of work. But yeah, I was with. Back when you were King Toad. Jake Sharon. Back when I was just a little amoeba swimming around in your loads, man. Everywhere you stepped was a puddle and I would skip from hole to hole.

Yeah, well, yeah. everywhere you step was a puddle and i would skip from from hole to hole yeah well yeah and i don't know if that would have been before after uh when i was charlie manson for halloween but those were the days you remember that as a one of the first times we swastika i did yeah pretty sick little chubby manson i was always i know that you were torturing a hero you were torturing a fucking military veteran uh did you put an end to it before sen attacked his uh ceiling fan with a bayonet yeah dude he didn't yeah he didn't pull out any of his weaponry he uh i think i must have told him after but yeah what a weird There was also, we drove late. I think driving back from that casino gig,

it was pretty secluded. And so there were deer all over the place. And so Jake's solution to make sure that we didn't hit any deer was to honk his horn. The whole time. Like continuously, yeah. So it's like, man, just a guy, you know,

who would have been annoying enough just with words and feelings and emotions, you know, his opinions. His dad was a cop and he used to beat him all the time. But then he had to, then he had to also

just do other things on top of Yeah. the conversations to be just that extra memorable, I guess. I mean, Kronberg had a weird duo where they did an hour show of just shit jokes. It was called The Shit Show. Each of them wrote

30 minutes of poop comedy. And then they co-headlined. It was the best show I've ever seen. It was seminal, man. This one, you think you've seen everything that scat can do? They can make it really sing, brother. They were like Miles Davis, you know?

It was like Coltrane and Davis going head to head. Just playing the brown note over and over. Everybody just constantly shitting. Yeesh. I don't know if it was Sharon one time. It sucked. Cronberg's great, but I can imagine

half of that show was probably pretty fun and the other half not as fun. I used to sell Sharon Wheat. He'd come over, try and haggle me down, get stoned, start crying. Every time. Once a week. He'd come over and be like, I only got 40 bucks. Alright, fine. Please take me to Tulsa.

And then he'd get stoned and be like, my dad never said he loved me and just start weeping and my roommates are like playing fucking Def Jam Vendetta in the living room and this long hair starts crying it's like get your fucking Jesus out of here Sam

yeah that was one of he was one of the first people where I saw kind of what it took to get booked, any real amount, and my God, just the worst. The idea of almost all of his day was filled with either following up on places that he had emailed already

and figuring out who could vouch for him so that he could hit up new venues with the name of someone who had performed there already, so-and-so vouches for me. So it was just nonstop. And then he would take breaks to prank call churches, right? I don't know if there were any prank calls. But I got sick of prank calls.

I think I, I mean, a long time ago. But like, once you start working a job, it's like, man, those aren't as funny. Because I guess sometimes if they're funny and the person can get in on it, then it's not as bad. There was a kid named Alex. The kid who's a basement I pop my cherry in. Yeah. Alex Nichols, he had this bit that worked one time in a prank call where he called the Walmart and said it was his daughter's birthday tomorrow.

He's like, it's my daughter's birthday tomorrow. You know, he's 11 or whatever. And I need a goldfish, but it's got to be bigger than a baby's shoe. And it, like, worked once. And we were like, that was the funniest thing we've ever heard. And then he did it, like, like ten more times and it never worked again and he'd be like no no

he's got like flop sweat no no I promise I'll figure it out this time hello pet smart I need a baby shoe I don't know

why he had an accent he was trying to spice it up yeah he was he was doing yeah it was next level shit hello

I need a baby shrew fish. Can this fish come in, baby shrew? I need the fish. What could eat a monkey? Oh, yeah, the monkey. That's what you were doing. I only can do two voices. This one and it's me, the guy who stole the monkey.

Oh, it's me. Hey, welcome to the morning show. It's me the guy who stole the monkey Oh it's me Hey welcome to the morning show It's me the monkey thief We're joined by rapping baby Why were you the rapping baby? That bit didn't make any sense That was all you, you came in hot You're like everybody Chill on the intro

I've got it fellas I've got a little magic web to spin. Call me Charlotte. I've got a web to weave. I turned my hat backward. Yeah, you went way over the top with that one. Well, I was trying something. No regrets, man?

I'm glad. I don't want you to have a single regret. I don't, man man you know what i regret not buying more a couple regrets would be okay i have a couple not playing football at dark good not letting that girl go in tucson um no she lived but here's the thing guys we're not going to be in tucson everyone but me and lunn can't make it becker is filling in becker will be there oh there we go yeah just eating stuff it stuff. It's just going to be me and donuts on stage.

Reading out loud from his diary. And, yeah, the food journal closer, where you say a certain amount of thing, of food, and you're like, who can beat it? Nobody ever can. You know what would have been a good gig for you? Geek in the Geek Pit. Yeah.

That would have been a great fucking job. Just biting the heads off chickens. That would be lovely. God, they pay you in toenails. Those were the days, man. Just pay you in fucking Lucky Strike filterless, toenails, all the chicken heads you can eat. Sounds nice. You gotta guzzle the blood.

That's what my uncle always said. What did they do with the rest of the chicken? I'm sure there was good eating later. Oh, yeah, of course. That was the opening act. By the rest of the chicken? I'm sure there was good eating later oh yeah of course that was the opening act by the end of the show they got fried chicken for everybody fried chicken sounds really good I think I'm hungry

you know what I had for breakfast you guys are going to think I'm insane lay it on me call me the little thick one pancakes with baked beans on them ok you like a strange Englishman? I don't know Call me the little thick one. Pancakes with baked beans on them. Okay. What? That was breakfast.

You like a strange Englishman? I don't know. I had pancakes with red chili on them one time. Yeah. I woke up this morning, made sure Emily was still breathing. I held a mirror up to her nose, and I was like, this is the kind of morning for pancakes with baked beans. Nice.

And I made it. And I woke her up, and I was like, breakfast is ready. And she was like, oh, ready. And she was like, oh good, what do we have for brekkums? Is it more monkey meat? And I was like, well,

it's pancake with baked beans. And she literally went back to bed. You just hear the door slam upstairs. Gordy goes flying out a window. She starts blasting sweet emotions. Like, oh no, Emily's pissed. Fuck, Gordy's flying out a window. She starts blasting sweet emotions.

Like, oh no, Emily's pissed. Fuck, Gordy's getting it in. She fucks Gordy to make me jealous. It's her angry music. That'd be a wild move. Ladies, if you're listening and you want to make your hubby or partner jealous, start fucking the dog while they're in the house.

Cuck them with their own dog. That's one of your jokes, too. It's just dog fucking. You would be upset, wouldn't you? That would hurt you. Yes or no? What? If Megan were to fuck one of the dogs

while you were in the house. Yeah, I suppose it would hurt. Okay, cool. I would fear that part of her brain had died. So it would wig you out, right? I wouldn't just be like, oh, man, oh, shit. I can't believe I'm getting

cucked by my own dog. What are you talking about? Oh, this is some crazy mind games being played. My favorite part's the detail of you being in the house. You have to be in the house to be jealous.

You can't check your dog's phone to see if she's texting him. Sam just went to bed. Meet me in the bathroom. Did you do syrup over the whole thing? No, I had a fried egg on top. There was some bacon, too. Fried egg, bacon, beans, pancake, no syrup.

They were like maple beans. Okay, sweet. Did you hit them with a griddled tomato? You're close to a weird English breakfast. No, I did actually. I baked tomatoes and eggplants in the oven. Nice. Yeah.

That sounds pretty good. It was great, man. I think I'm really on to something here. I think I should open up like a cart where I just sell pancakes with different Smothers. Yeah. East Smother. Remember that? My baby?

Yeah, remember? East Smother. That's how he says it. Yeah, I know. The old guy. He's still over there. He is there. He'd be like, hey, so what do you want?

A lengua burrito? You got it, brother. You want rice and beans in there? Sure. Is mother? I guess he hasn't been there as much because he's older. The rest of the family's been there instead of him. I love La Abeja.

If you're ever in Denver, man, and you can't get into Taco de Mexico, check out La Beja right there on Colfax and Pearl. I think it's better than Taco de Mexico. It has more sentimental value for me. But I like the face meat burrito.

At Tacos de Mexico, a little bit more. Emmy likes La Beja because she can get a white chicken burrito. They have like a breast meat burrito. Gotcha. Yeah. Oh. But every day when I moved to Denver back in 05,

it was many moons ago. I ate at La Beja damn near every day. That and the Bucket Scoop right next door. Oh, yeah. They shut it down. It's me, George Norrie, coop right next door. Oh, yeah. They shut it down. It's me, George Norrie,

reminiscing about my time being a youth in Denver. Is Norrie from here? Yes. That's cool. He is. Me, I mean. Art Bell, you're dead. Is that George Norrie or Art Bell?

I don't know. I mean, I don't know what you're... Art Bell. This is Art Bell. Art Bell radio program. George Norrie here. Art Bell, George Norrie. I'm John.

Hey. I can't say anything. I'm John. That's the only impression that I can do, is you have to be able to say the name of the person it is a trap that a lot of people a lot of comics fall into when they're doing an impression is that you're so like

worried that people won't know who you are I think it's like a weird defense mechanism like oh as long as you can say or if you say their I think it's like a weird defense mechanism. As long as you can say... Or if you say their name, and it's anywhere close to what they sound like, then it's like the

double dip of Art Bell. Belief. George Norrie. I'm John. But yeah, you can't... Those guys interviewing each other? I'm John. That's the is that you can't say it more than like once

or else then you sound like a complete psycho well I like to open up with them I say my own name constantly it's me John anyone wondering who's out there it's me John I do more impressions but yours are always a lot better than mine that's what's cool

when you tune into one it's like you're in the room with that person yeah I do more impressions, but yours are always a lot better than mine. That's what's cool. Because when you tune into one, it's like you're in the room with that person. Yeah. Yeah. Well, thanks. What was your best impression? Tom? No.

Remember, didn't you do like a Puerto Rican guy? No. Oh, no, the Jamaican cab driver, right? No. No? Dutch milkma Jamaican cab driver, right? No. No? Dutch milkmaid? Am I thinking of me? My jugs are

overflowing. Well, I'm going to let John have a taste. Is that who you're thinking of?

The Dutch milkmaid? Yeah, I think so. Patricia Smith? Let's hear it. You just

did. You want to do a character piece? Let's do plugs and get the fuck out of here. I'll introduce you as Art Bell. I'll interview you. Becker, what impressions do you do?

I mean, a bunch. Let's hear one. I can do John C. Reilly pretty good. Whoa! He's done John C. before, yeah. That's real good. Well, joining me today, it's me, Art Bell on Coast to Coast. I've done John C. before, yeah. That's real good. Well, joining me today, it's me, Art Bell, on Coast to Coast. I've got John C. Reilly's ghost.

And, of course, the Dutch milkmaid, Patricia Smith. Patricia and John, thanks for joining me. Do you want whole milk, or would you like the 2%? I can't understand what this gal's saying over there. Me? You mean me? I have milk, I have alpaca, and I have emo. That's a lot of milk.

I didn't know birds could produce milk. Oh, yeah. You have to be patient. John, what do you think about that? Uh, I... Oh, God. God, you guys need to take improv classes It takes too much for me to concentrate on it

to be laughing and then go right back in You have to forget that you are in a funny situation and instead you are just a person who is living your experience I giggle because the milk is going everywhere and father will be very angry That's going to be upsetting to your father. It's a lot of wasted emu milk.

He may have to sell the farm. Lund, you still got it. Becker, we're signing you up for level one at the bovine. You got it. Becker, less is more. Guys, we have one of the best sponsors. Is that fair to say? Yeah.

Right? I feel like that is only insufferable. It's only abominable if it's not facts. If it's obviously a lie. We do have the best sponsors, so it's okay to say that. Yeah, I think you're right, man. And this sponsor this week is... VailComedyShow.com

No! Fuck no. Oh, hell no. Y'all got up and done it. Mark Masters tried to shit on you and I shot on his ass. He had some fun copy. Yeah, he had some real good copy. It was like, hey, you know who rules? Sam. You know who sucks all the dicks and doesn't

like it because he's not willing homosexual? Which would be cool if he was. That's not a big deal. Nathan Lund. Yeah, it was a little weird. I like that you stood up for me. Yeah. Of course. Always, dude. You're the biggest ally. You hit Mark with a stool.

I did. Glenwood Springs style. I broke off a leg in him. But yeah, we're joined this week by HoldThePhone.television, guys. That's right. Go to H-O-L-D-T-H-E-P-H-O-N-E-D-O-T-T-E-L-E-V-I-S-I-O-N.com to watch some of the best online comedy going. We've got Hot Tub. Hot Tub? Pizza Hot Tub.

Is it Hot Tub? Am I saying it wrong? It is Hot Tube. So, I don't know what's... It's Hoot Tube. Hot Tub. Is that like Hot Tub? Hot Tub.

You got it. I got it. All right, nice. It's Hot Tub, guys. It came out sounding correct. Well, you know, what we used to call a hot tub is where my dad would feed us all a bunch of celery. Just days and days of celery. And then we would sit in a big horse trough, me, my sister, my cousins.

Then we would just diarrhea and piss into that thing. And then when we had a new baby born, we could baptize them into a church of shit. My God. What an awful. It was crazy. That just came from somewhere in your brain. What? And your mouth was like, oh, hell yeah.

You think my mouth had anything to do with this? That's real. Your mouth was a willing conspirator. What conspirator? So if you want to see that live on the internet, enough getting a Tor browser. You can just go to holdthephone.tv and watch

Hot Tub. We've got Kirk Braunheller and Kristen Scherd. They're going to be eating celery November 2nd, and then Rhea Butcher, Dana Donnelly, Francesca Forrentini, Chris Garcia, Solomon Giorgio, Nick Ciarelli and Brad Evans are all going to sit in that hot tub

filled with piss and shit and look, is it a new church? It sure is, but November 2nd everyone, become an apostate preacher of a dead tongue with Hot Tub That's just one of the shows too that's every Monday and then

Hey Girl with Matt Bronger and Kyle Kinane is on Friday. So is the Funtime Boys. And the Funtime Boys are having Doug Benson and more this week. And more? And more. You don't really need more. That probably means Graham Elwood's on that bitch. Oh my god, are you kidding?

Holy shit, who's going to read more tweets? Are you kidding? Holy shit, who's going to read more tweets? Oh, palm striking away. Imagine if Art Bell was the bagel boss. You're saying, I have a baby's penis. Is that what you're giggling about over there? Listen, I might be 4'8", but I'll beat the shit out of you. Oh my god, Dr. Kev, do they say you have a tiny micro phallus as well? I hope they serve bagels

in heaven, because that's where you're going to go if you call me short again. I didn't hear the question, I just had to get my shit in. I'm the bagel boss, I guess. Listen, you come to New Jersey,

you call me a bagel boss, I'm going to beat the shit out of you. About to talk about the bagel boss. Wait. This is me, Arnold Schwarzenegger, the bagel boss. Oh, but yeah, get on the Patreon, you fucking fig pigs. Jesus Christ. Becker's car exploded.

Lund's having to have his tail removed. I need to get more troughs and more celery so I can get this church off the ground. I want taxes M status. So get two. Lun, shout it out. Patreon.com slash

Chubby Behemoth And yeah, we got a few options for you. You get the extra episode a week for five bucks a month. Five dollars. You get that plus a monthly a week for five bucks. Five dollars. You get that plus a monthly AMA for ten bucks. We just dropped this month. We did

and it was fun. And the $20 tier, you get all of that, the extra episode, the AMA, and something fun in the mail. In the mail. We gotta do the next care package. I got some bodily fluids and some hair

and some nails that are ready for envelope sealed delivery. And maybe, just maybe, you'll get an unpublished short story by me, George Bell. So yeah, check it out. It's sick!

People get on there. Give us that cash. I don't want a rash. It's a mad dash for the stash. There's only one rapping baby in the house. Put your tongue in my mouth. Lick my molars clean. I want to smell that spleen till I cream.

I'll be at the date in funny bone. I'm in the zone. I'm all alone cause my parents died I'm a baby save it for laughs oh wait 2021 we're never going there