Chubby Behemoth - Soaking

Episode Date: November 13, 2020

All Tangled Up. Water's Loud Today. Bug Chasin'.   This weeks sponsor Hold The Phone! https://holdthephone.tv/    Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth.   Extra Episodes at Patreon.com/chubbybehemoth

Me Too Bro. Some fun cranky anchor type stuff. The Me Too Bros. That would have been a good name for this podcast. Oh, so you're going to eat your moon pie while we record. I figured people like to hear people chew.

That's good. Yeah, they definitely want you to mumble through a bunch of cake and cream. There's marshmallow cream, too. Yeah, moon pies are not that good, I don't think. They're really good. No, I feel like they're not, and I feel like I'm right.

Did you see this woman? The writer, she's a writer for the... It's a woman writer, probably Jezebel. No, The Atlantic. The Doctors? Oh, wow. The Atlantic. They started letting him write for them?

She said that the whole four seasons total landscaping was not funny. You didn't see that? No. She tweeted it? Yeah. I got pretty fired up. It was just so annoying where it's like you can't do that about really anything because everything's so subjective and everybody's tastes are all over the place.

But for this to be the thing that this person decided to be against, I didn't like it. You're going to die on that island? One of the most objectively funny things to ever happen? Come on. Yeah, that's what a lot of people were saying. It's like, come on. It is not, you know, some of the covfefe was nothing, you know, or whatever things that were in the news that were not that great.

This is not one of them. It was really good. The timing was perfect. Wasn't there a dildo shop next door, too? Yeah, dude. Come on. And a crematorium. Yeah.

So just death and orgasms on either side. Between the crematorium and the creampiatorium. That's right. Yeah. Dude. Yeah. It couldn't have been better. In just about every way. Giuliani is told that Biden was declared the winner during

that press conference. And he's like, oh, okay. Good one. What's next? A women's basketball league? Okay, sure. Yeah, it was just about perfect, but then this little killjoy felt the need to weigh in. And it's like, why don't you save it for your next piece for The Atlantic?

Why don't you start writing for The Pacific and move to Humboldt? Smoke some weed. I mean, is this how it's going to be for the Atlantic. Why don't you just start writing for the Pacific and move to Humboldt? Smoke some weed. I mean, is this how it's going to be for the next four years? Just woke scolds are going to be in charge telling us what's fun and what isn't fun? That's what it was for the last four years. I don't think that's going away. I think people are definitely going to keep

weighing in with hot takes. Everybody has to have a hot take and a contrarian take. They should weigh their tits on the scale. Let me guess. Jesus Christ. That's my job at the carnival, man. You got fired from the carnival. I did.

Because that was not a booth. You set up a makeshift booth. Look, I did not have a permit, okay? Right. Yeah, you didn't pay any of the fees, none of the union dues. You didn't grease the palms of the carnies. That's between me and the sheriff of Douglas County you biffed it hard

also it wasn't a scale it was just my hand yeah there were a lot of flaws in your plan yeah plop or not was not a hit yeah they're like can I win a goldfish whatever you want

you can have your choice of anything that I'm wearing right now. Do you want this ring? You've never played Who's Got Them before? Let me show you the rules, sister. The carnival that we had growing up, you know, every year.

Tell me about it. Church parking lot. Yeah, you should. Yeah, it's time to listen. Is it a long story? Time to chew. lot. Yeah, you should... Yeah, it's time to listen. Is this a long story? Time to chew. Okay. Yeah, you can finish that.

Okay. So the carnival was always in the church parking lot. So good. Extraordinary. We had a lot of fun. And a couple years after I moved to Nevada, the zipper at the carnival got stuck, like broke and got stuck.

Been there. A girl i went to school with had to sit in a zipper car for like five hours while they you know i don't know what they tried to fix it and then had to start the rescue or whatever but yeah what a nightmare i was terrified at the idea of being the one that got caught up in like upside down in the zipper yeah because zipper had the individual cars that could flip as the whole giant arm would move in a circle or whatever so there there was a chance that you could have just been upside down just passing out every few minutes and coming to and screaming until you pass out again yeah we're fucking what where

jesus save me i would have hated to fall asleep in there because they would have assumed i was a carny having a little fun they would have put me to work yeah climb on down yeah climb down gustav come what what where are you oh that's gustav waking up and screaming just got a fish What? Where? That's Gustav waking up and screaming. Just got a fish in your pocket that you nibble on. I'm fine up here. I'm good. I won. Take your time.

I'll be up here with my fish. I have this Van Halen mirror that I won by popping balloon and judging boob weight. My palms are like the scales of justice. Left one big, right one small. Who's got them? And by them, I mean papers. I would love to live here legally. Please let me move in. Back in home country, I was boob wear. I went to seven years of boob weight academy

titty meet you titty meet me put it in mouth I like milk yeah man that sounded like a fucking nightmare trapped in a carnival ride ring of fire you're just upside down for a day

we can't figure it out carnival ride? Ring of Fire? You're just upside down for a day? We can't figure it out. Oh, that music's playing? Yeah, they can't turn the music off. That's all that works. We keep trying to turn it off, but it just keeps getting louder. What? Bear with us. I can't hear you.

My feet are asleep. My nose is very much awake. My wife will worry. I can't hear you. My feet are asleep. My nose is very much awake. My wife will worry. I smell my own shit. Somebody's shit in the zipper car. Before I entered, I was like, it smells weird in here. But I need to have fun, says doctor.

But I did not want to get back in line, so I held my nose. Wherever it goes. Oh, now it's piss, too. Speaking of holding one's nose, I had to go in the bathroom an hour after you were in there. And it was still rough. You can't put that on me. It was you.

No way. You painted the ball. I did not, dude. And I used my urine, like a good friend, to clean the ball a little bit and try to, you know, unsully your reputation here. Well, people were talking about it. People were like, did you see the guy in the pink who made the stink in the sink? It really makes you think. What's that guy eating? Did he have turds for breakfast?

Yeah. This guy definitely didn't wash his hands this guy was in the zipper car a week ago this guy does not know what's what soap is he thought it was turd lube he was just putting it on his cheeks this guy came out eating hand sanitizer out of his own hand i brought it from home. This is my jug. It'd be cool to work for a carnival, man. Yeah. The road life. Dude, they're just like us.

We like talking to anybody that travels for work and is creative in any way. Because, yeah, there's enough similarities where you'll have a nice conversation. I love being in the back of an Uber and just lying about my job. You pick something boring. Oh, no. I'll being in the back of an Uber and just lying about my job. You pick something boring? Oh, no, I'll be like, I work for Boys and Girls Club. And then they'll be like, oh, what were you doing in Tulsa? And it's like, oh, we had this biter out near the Reds. And, you know, everyone they've sent in there to try and talk him out of the tree,

he just winds up ripping all their hair out and eating it. But, no, I got through to him. Yeah, you get sick of telling people you're a comic. I never would do that. Very quickly. Well, I'm sure you did a few times. I did it to get laid a couple times. Well, I'm not talking about getting laid.

I'm talking about, like, very quickly that conversation goes from, like, oh, it's really, like, feels good to have someone, you know, like, marvel at the bravery or whatever the fuck you think when you're... They always want to be like, oh, do you know, who your favorite comic mine's michael keaton he's like what are you talking about from his stand-up yeah like you're the only one that remembers his stand-up you mean batman like what what are you talking about no michael keaton remember he did the act out about answering a cordless phone where the cord at man? I wonder if there's any video of him doing stand-up Keaton. You know who we should talk about?

He was at the store, right? He might be on that show. Yeah, he woke up. They dusted him off, yeah. How about Pooch? What about him? Remember Pooch? I do.

Dressed like a magician, talked like a comic. Yep. He talked like he was... Wore white gloves. He talked like a little rascal. Did he? Yeah, remember? He'd be like, eh, talked like a comic. Yep. He talked like he was... Wore white gloves. He talked like a little rascal. Did he? Yeah, remember? He'd be like, eh, another thing, see? No, he didn't. He actually did like an urban

dialect. Yeah. But he looked like Michael Richard's stunt double. Wearing a trench coat, over a duster, with gloves on. He had a fake hand so he could joy buzzer people and be like, whoa, you got me, brother! I haven't

seen him perform in quite a while. He's the man. We get along well. He came to Vegas and we would chill. Nice guy. Had to lay low for a while. Yeah, after Cougar Carol got to him. Had to have the heat die down. He was on fire out here. How about yours? My pooch is on fire.

He did that bit where he would be like, y'all remember? Remember, this is a very Jewish-looking man. He'd be like, y'all remember, man? Girls, you know what I'm talking about. You'd be on the phone. You'd be standing over there. You'd be like, I'm on the phone, you know? But remember when it had the cord, the curly cord?

You know what I'm talking about, the little pigtail cord. You know, she laughing because she know. Looks like he just came from a bris. Oh, yeah, man, you know, and then girls, you know what you do. This is not an affectation at all, man. This is how I talk. Yeah, man, this is how we talk where I'm from in Wyoming, dog. This is a real cadence, man, that I do.

Michael P. Pacini. But then he would pull the phone. He had a phone in his trench coat that had a cord on it. Hell yeah. And he would talk into it and twirl it. So that if anybody

didn't know what he was talking about, they soon got filled in. Just in case his object work that he was doing didn't pay off, he'd be like, no, no, literally,

you know what I'm talking about? Time to get caught up. Yeah. Anybody just wake up from a coma? Anyway, if so, here's a visual representation of what I've been discussing. Is anyone deaf in the room?

But they're still enchanted by the words that I'm moving with my lips? Now you know what I'm saying. And then, what if you had to turn around and talk to your mom? You'd be like, Mom, I'm on the phone! And then you turn back around, and you're all tangled up in that phone. You'd get all tangled up and fall off the stage. Dude.

Totally insane. That's why I think he had to stop performing for a while. Too many concussions. That's right, yeah. He was like Chris Benoit. And you know how he killed his son with a phone on the cord. He wrapped it around his neck. Oh, shit. He's like, you know when you think you're the god and the devil at the same time?

And your son? You gotta put him in a grave so he can't bring about the end of the world. You know when you're listening to brand new You Like the Devil and God are raging inside me, my man. I got too many chair shots. And now I don't know what's up, what's down, who's a friend, who's an enemy. I'm Pooch, and I'll be featuring for Frank Shooket all weekend. I was in the car one time with Pooch and Frank Shooket smoking weed in front of a Bob Metals gig. R.I.P., man, Frank Shooket. Yeah, he did.

He's been gone a while now, a few years. He got all tangled up in the phone. It's me, Michael Pooch Puccini. I'm Jewish and Italian, but I talk like Michael Rappaport. Oh, from the streets. Why's Michael Rappaport. Oh, from the streets. Why is Michael Rappaport going to talk that way? From New York? Yeah.

Actually, he thinks he can talk like that, but not everybody likes that he talks like that. No. Very much kind of a, yeah, he kind of co-opted and he gets some pushback. There's about 25% of the population who doesn't like that he talks that way yeah yeah 26 25 uh i will say that i really enjoyed a video that he made like the day that biden was announced the hated that video the first one the second one was was uh not uh not not the real deal. It felt like it was put on. The one where he's just talking into his phone, looking like a sunburnt dog dick.

The first one that I liked. Somehow pale and very red at the same time. The first one, which I liked, he's walking. The second one, he's in a car. And it's not as good. I liked the first one. Pack your shit. Get the fuck out of here.

Get the fuck out of here, you fucking asshole. Talking like a landlord. I liked it. Okay. Well, we differ on first one. Pack your shit. Get the fuck out of here. Get the fuck out of here, you fucking asshole. Talking like a landlord. I liked it. Nah. Okay. Well, we differ on that one. You know what we both like, though, is when Mooch was heckling Frank Shookit. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah. Okay. Keep these separate. Yeah. There's Pooch. New person. Yeah. Pooch, talk like this, man.

Then there was Mooch. Pooch. Talk like this. Pooch Wilford. He was, Pooch, talk like this, man. Then there was Mooch, who talked like this. Mooch Wilford. And he was always just tattering on the edge, you know? Yeah, you were. Barely right there. Yeah, living in Laramie.

I'm from Laramie. Talk like Frank. Chris Farley's ghost. That's my thing. But one time we were in the back of, fuck, Paris on the Platte, and me and Pooch were like pounding beers. Shout out. And me and Pooch were like pounding beers and me and Mooch excuse me

I got confused. I done got all criss-crossed up in the phone cord. This is all made up. No it isn't. So Mooch yeah none of this

sounds real shook it Mooch and Pooch. So yeah Mooch was in the back of the room and shook it was on stage and he just shook it would say a punch and shook it was on stage and he just shook it would uh say a punchline shook it was like a 55 year old man trying open my comedy lawyer like successful professional a real giuliani lawyer yeah he's always talking in

yeah he's always fucking around with his shirts also there's nothing sadder than a you know almost 60 year old man trying stand up to be new, to stand up as an older person totally, it's bleak when I was in college and I saw an older person in college I felt bad for them, but when I got older it's like no, it's fine

they didn't get to go when they were younger for whatever reason, now they're going it's not that bad oh, it's bad not every single example is sad it's bad. No, it shouldn't. Not every single example is sad. It's like, after my son OD'd, the banks took the house back, so now I'm going to become a pilot.

I had a lot of free time. Yeah, no, it can definitely be sad. But Shook It wasn't sad, because he was fulfilled, happy with his life. He wasn't, like, searching for something anyway mooch heckled him real bad and it was great shook it would be like i don't know the thing about the federal reserve and mooch would be like don't hurt him frank whoa frank easy frank oh they're not ready frank yeah people it was crazy that was like 10 years ago i I've never forgotten. I remember the buzz. People were into it.

Yeah, it was fun. You hear what Mooch did after Pooch? So first of all, Pooch answered a phone. Mooch let it marinate. Chalmer Williams. We know so many people because of stand-up. Easy, Frank. The most random cast of characters.

They're not ready, Frank. There was a dude in Vegas when I was starting out. My first four years were in Vegas, and then I moved to Denver. And this dude, Davio, was a comic. And he had a big ol' perm, and he was like 4'11".

He was tiny. Just this little guy that looked like a magician. Real Pete Cohen. And he was, yeah, I guess. But he, Davey O, man, God, what a, just a little gremlin of a guy. Ran a couple mics or whatever. Was always very late to the mics. So just, you know, not ideal.

Well, he had to drive his big wheel there. It's tough to be on the highway. He had to finish up the early show at the riviera making fucking cards disappear but yeah just like god uh had been doing stand-up for a long time yeah but like i don't know some of his stuff was okay but you hear it 150 times sure and you're still laughing at the same punch lines right acting like he just had the epiphany yeah the riffs yeah the off the cuff yeah the pussy smells like a fish market my god you've done it again davey yeah man uh i like chalmer though yeah chalmer would say let it marinate after every it was supposed to be the savor yes but none of the jokes work so he just said let it marinate like the other

guy said hamburger yeah shook it was saying hamburger started to sound like a speech impediment he's like oh man his brain is stuck in a loop he's got a verbal tick what's he letting marinate yeah he's got dinner at home he sounds like a mormon kid trying to preoccupy trick god huh you know they soak they call it marinating or you just put your penis inside of the girl you You don't move it around. You're making this up. No, I'm not, dude. It's called soaking.

I haven't heard about this. Yeah, so, kid, Mormon kid. I haven't seen this, nor have I heard about it. Well, you need to get on the message boards I've been sending you links to. Yeah, I'm not much of a Reddit guy. Well, you just put your ween in, and then you let it sit there. Like you're, uh... No thrusting.

No thrusting. No side to side. No wiggling. No in and out. No clenching. Like you're, uh... No thrusting. No thrusting. No side to side. No wiggling. No in and out. No clenching. Uh-uh. No. And you just put it in there

and then you, like, you know, watch VeggieTales or whatever. As a go-around, a workaround for premarital sex. Right, because... It doesn't count because there's

no pleasure. Right, well, as St. Bernie Mac said, fucking ain't no more than 50 strokes. So if you keep it under 50, then you're safe. Yeah, you just put it in there. They're saying zero strokes. Well, there's one stroke in and then you pull out.

You jizz on the way out. I don't think you jizz. I think you just sit in there. And the lady is not allowed to clench, I'm assuming. Or enjoy it. So what's even the point? I don't know, getting around God's tricks? Yeah, you feel like you're pulling one over on God?

Yeah. Suck my dick. Yeah, that's a big thing in certain communities. Heavenly Father, won't you bend over? Let me soak. Let it marinate. Let me hit you with that reverse Chalmer. That sounds...

Backside Williams. That's even dumber than the anal thing. Like, oh yeah, God doesn't mind you getting your asshole plowed. Yeah. But as soon as the heavenly gates of the vaginal community are breached... What the fuck? Everybody's insane. Everybody's crazy.

Well, if you're worried about going to hell sincerely, though, you're going to try and figure out some clever workarounds. God. You're going to try and find some pooh-pooh loopholes. Don't you think that with all of these religious people that have been exposed as frauds, like, if they're the ones that supposedly know what's

going on, and they have this relationship with God, but then they're revealed to not give a fuck about any of that, shouldn't you also not give a fuck about any of that? Where it's like, oh fuck about any of that where it's like oh okay like isn't why hasn't the veil not been lifted where you still want to live in this fantasy where it's like oh i i'm a good boy so that i get to have all the ice cream i want up in the sky what the fuck grow up sounds like you're about to pull a knife on the crowd i don't want to start a rant here but you're about to climb a tree no no i'm fine uh but man i'm fine i was one of those i think i've mentioned uh on the pod that i was still religious in high school

and a little bit in college but like in high school i start having sex and i'm loving it yeah but i had to feel guilty too because i thought man i wonder if like if i get in a car accident right after i got done banging and i haven't had a chance to like get right with god or whatever you know tuck my tail i'm sorry i'm sorry god yeah but that's so much better than the alternative which was me just growing up godless without any stakes whatsoever yeah you nothing has pure evil there's no meaning in anything you do. No, you can still have fun. You can have fun, but, you know,

it's the same as not having fun. Hmm, I don't know. I do not miss that guilt, that shame. Like, I would get shame from jerking it, but, of course, I'm not going to just, like, stop jerking it. That's because your dad would watch. He's like, you're doing it wrong. I got a lot of shit.

Yeah, I got a lot of guff from the old man. Yeah, from Rick. You're doing it wrong. What are you, left-handed? Yes, Dad. I'm not, you're doing it wrong. I got a lot of shit. Yeah, I got a lot of guff from the old man. You're doing it wrong. What are you, left-handed? Yes, Dad. I'm not going to grow out of it. It's not a choice. You're like Tua Taglialova's dad who made him throw a football right-handed even though he's left-handed.

He stapled it to his right hand. That's right. Forehead to the head. Keep biffing yourself. I like to think about the first one to talk a girl into letting him soak. That guy. Listen, God's vision is akin to the Tyrannosaurus Rex. Very much movement based, so. He's got predator vision.

Yeah, as long as we don't start humping with any rhythm whatsoever, then God won't know what's what. Not that we would have any rhythm because we're Mormons. Yeah. But if we did... Because we're listening to Garth Brooks right now. Yeah. And... I want to make friends with your low place.

All right? I want the thunder to roll into town and then just sit over town. That's what I want. Yeah, man, that's... I'd like to buy that guy a root beer. He's like, wait, what did you do? He gets back to the Covenant. He's he's like fellas i got a story to tell yeah let me wash my hands uh i uh there's no pressure if you're soaking either well yeah but like like i said there's

like no risk no reward there's nothing you just put the chicken breast right there in the vinaigrette. In a half hour later, you're ready for dinner, man. Flip it. Yeah. Yeah, that seems like just a little payoff, that's for sure. I mean, it's better than not soaking. I don't think it is. Come on.

Well, what about this? Wouldn't you rather dry hump where there's some friction and some movement? Maybe somebody orgasms? No, because if you're orgasming in your special underwear, then who has to clean it out? The deacon. You got to go up to the deacon. Secret sound. He gets the hose out.

The eunuch. Yeah. Go, boy. Come forth. Yeah. Come lick the hose out. The eunuch. Yeah. Go, boy! Come forth! Yeah. Come lick up my mess. Come clean my crime. I'd rather soak than not soak. In fact, if we could

just soak and there was no pressure to actually do it, I'd be all about it. There was no pressure to be good at sex. Yeah, because you could just be in there soaking and you're still kissing and honking. You know? Weighing them. Yeah, exactly. Yep. Put them on theighing them. Yeah, exactly. Yep. Put them on the scale. Stick your tongue out.

You give her a beanie baby afterward? Half pound of Havarti, baby. Claw machine. Is that what you were going for? The beanie baby? What was I just talking about? Carnival. Winning a prize. You got a Charles Barkley 76ers jersey.

Coming right up. He's on the Suns now. Shut up. I'm soaking in air. I'm soaking over here. I'm soaking in air, baby. I had not heard of that and it is upsetting.

Now it's all you're going to think about I like the move from long ago where it was like, we can't have sex until we're married guess what we're both 14 and we're married or then it turns into she's 12 and we're getting married oh god yowza

heaven can wait my friend god, you did it again nice prank god god just does the forehead the face palm oh man he bested me damn it then he sends a plague oh they're fucking a plague of super hot 14 year old fucking in the ass and getting around my loophole time to send hell down to earth. I knew I should have made them shit out their mouths. Time to kill everyone that's alive right now, save for Noah and his hot daughter. Shit, I'm saving her for me.

I'm going to soak it up. Yeah, man, I say get in there. God is not looking, so wiggle it around a little bit. Yeah, just have a little side-to-side action. Not front-back, but side-to-side. That's the way the homies ride. Let me glide. Like you're on a horse.

Exactly. Like you're ice skating. Left, right. Just like a glide, nice glide. What about soaking in a butthole? That would suck. Why? Just getting suck. Why? Just getting it in there?

Getting it in there sucks. Yeah, but then you're good. You can't be a little bit soft if you're going to get it in the butthole. No. You've got to be as hard as you've ever been. Did you take that boner pill that we got? No, it's still in my car, just in case. I haven't either.

It's in your car. Yeah. Just in case there's some traffic. It's behind glass. In case of emergency. Trying to get home to Fort Collins and it's like, oh, this is going to be a while. Yeah, it's stuck in traffic

for two minutes. Somebody died up there for sure. And I have 20 minutes to kill. It's not dark. Let me hang up these towels real quick. Cover your windows. Yeah, no tints. You got no tint in there.

So that would be a bold fucking move. No, I haven't eaten those boner pills that a millionaire gave us. Yeah, I still have mine. Yeah. Should we eat them and then let each other know what happens? That could be a challenge for the pod. Should we eat them and then let each other know what happens? That could be a challenge

for the pod. Should we back to back? No? What? Jerk off back to back? Yeah. Oh. Go back to back.

I'm not using those to jerk, dude. Yeah, no shit. Yeah, I'm saving those for Emily's fucking anniversary of her dad's death. God damn. I gotta cheer her up.

Fuck. July 4th next year there there's going to be fireworks, baby. You called me when I was driving home from Lincoln. You just gave me that Zubar mask. I did Zubar and did not have a place to stay or whatever. And Lincoln's seven hours or whatever. So, you know, I'm a road dog. Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.

Need a bone? Pop those fucking Russian Cialis that that iranian gave us yeah you drove or uh you called when i was like 10 minutes into the drive hey you want to hear something funny and i was like oh shit sam's gonna you know talk me through this first hour of driving we're gonna giggle yeah but no i had to like it was i think it was raining it was dark raining and i started to cry on the phone i don't know how i didn't just well i know how i didn't die rodo baby i can do i can do my taxes while i'm driving uh but yeah it sucked i was all excited i'm like oh what's the giggle of the week daddy you're like hit me with that laughing powder, boss.

My father-in-law has passed. I was like, fuck, dude. Sucked. Yeah, it was a bummer. Emily was not yet a doctor, so... She wasn't stoked. Still a failure. Yeah, exactly. In her dad's eyes.

Still a little weenus. Just another fucking write-off in his ledger. Yeah, just another dependent suckling. No, I'm sure. No, she's wearing Depends. I'm sure he got to be very proud of her. She was well on her way. She was killing it at that time.

No, he hated her. I'm kidding. Damn. God damn it. I hope she doesn't hear this. She doesn't listen to our... Do you really think she wants to hear more of the two of us? She's had more than enough of us fucking being jackasses on either side of her.

She doesn't need to hear a podcast. That's what I thought you meant when we go back to back. She's in the middle. She's just judging which one's doing better. Oh, shit. Time trial. Because she's a doctor. So it's not weird.

It's not cheating if she's watching you jerk off. It's medical. Yeah, exactly. God, I wish I could have a doctor watch me jerk off. I haven't seen a doctor in a decade. Take you to the vet. I don't even take my left shoe off anymore. I just leave it on.

When you pwned? Just 24-7. I don't know if I could get a shoe back on my left foot. It's sensitive. You're showering with one foot out, one foot in. I just wrap it up i put a couple condoms on there one on the toes and one on the heel yeah steve aj for a condom magnum yeah magnum style for my book for my foot yeah foot condom it'd be suck to put your foot

inside someone that uh yeah that oh that moon pie is coming up. It's a harvest moon. You didn't chew. I didn't, because I didn't want to piss everyone off on the pot. Yeah, you gummed it. Now your foot's going numb. Oh, shit. Don't.

Don't throw up in my hair. Let's find a good book for you to puke in. Quick, give me that Koran. Oh, my God. We Koran. Oh my god. We're fucked. Oh no. Yeah, don't worry about Emily. She is over it.

Same with Megan. She just rolls her eyes every time she thinks about the two of us, for sure. Oh yeah. They're jealous of our love, obviously. Yeah, they don't have friends like us. They just have enemies because they're women. They can't be happy for each other. Unlike me and you. Yeah, we share everything.

We're holding hands right now. It's not my hand. What's it weigh? Weird foot. I'm trying to win a prize here. I would like to be the advance man in the carnival. Advance man? Yeah, the guy that goes ahead a day. I'm reading Geek Love again here. I would like to be the advance man in the carnival. Advance man? Yeah, the guy that goes ahead a day.

I'm reading Geek Love again right now. Oh, damn. Yeah, and there's a guy who goes ahead a day to set everything up with the local constable, you know, gather up all the baby chickens for the geek to eat. And he never hangs out with the carnival. He's a day ahead of the carnival setting everything up. Stanhope won't shut up about this guy. He's always like, I wish I was an advanced man.

Does he eat another cigarette? Yum. Yummy. I'm Doug Stanhope. That's me, Doug Stanhope. Solid Stanhope. Let me get another ciggy, I'm hungry. So there's three branches of government.

Puts a little ketchup on a Marlboro Red. Yeah, that's what they call the Red. Dude. That's me, Stan. I'm hungry for ciggies. I'll eat a cigar. He's still reading Geek Love? No, but he used to talk about the Advance Man all the time.

That's the Advance Man. Yeah, and I think it's a cool job sounds good enough i wouldn't want to be like the guy who cleans the aqua boys tank you don't want to be the yeah you don't want to be the guy that has to stick around after and give a statement to the cops yeah grease all the palms clean up all the teeth uh the tiger poisoner that guy i like uh well you know i don't know if you'd want to be the advanced man because you don't have any of the camaraderie that the carnies do with the freaks well yeah you the the the the people that get to uh get one over on the the marks oh yeah fleece and the rubes yeah as we say every every story the advanced man hears is secondhand, thirdhand.

Well, he has to go and he has to rig all the games. So he goes out and he weighs all the boobs the day ahead so he can send a postcard back to me. Dude, I almost would have had a very different life. Oh, so you remember the Halloween that you, Big City Drugs played Halloween night, their first show? That was probably 2016? Yeah.

2015? Mm-hmm. That October, I got a gig at Elitch's, Elitch Gardens. Oh, yeah. The theme park. It's a Six Flags. Yeah. Yeah.

Unofficial. No, it was. They bought it. Six Flags family. Six Flags Elitch Gardens. a Six Flags. Yeah. Yeah. Unofficial. No, it was. They bought it. Six Flags family. Six Flags Elitch Gardens. Three Six Flags Mafia. I was the announcer and referee for little person wrestling matches at Elitch's. Yeah.

They had like a couple of random. You mean the dream gig? Yeah. You mean why I got into show business? Yeah, exactly. Yeah. This is my version of biting the head off of a chicken for money. Weighing boobs.

Somehow I get this gig just for October, like three matches a night or something. There's this little ring. There's two wrestlers, the same wrestlers every night. And they wrestle each other three times a night. And we were in this, like, little weird arena, you know, like an outdoor setup. There's, like, bleachers and eliches and then this little ring. And I had to do the announcing, the commentary. The cleanup.

Count the falls. What you did? You were the ref, too? I was the ref from outside of the ring. What? So yeah, wireless mic, slapping the mat. Yeah. Yeah, dude. It was crazy. And I got like $75 a pop, even though I'm doing four

people's jobs. How the fuck did I not know this? I don't know. I got it through... Oh, you were in Vegas. I think it was 2016. This news would have traveled far and wide. I got it through... Oh, you were in Vegas. I think it was 2016. This news would have traveled far and wide. I got it... Jesse... Jesse... What's his name?

Grafenberg was also doing that gig, and we split him. What? We split the dates or whatever. Yeah. I would have flown home. It sucked. No way that sucked. That rules.

It ruled... Just because you're jaded, man. The first couple times. You're tired of trappings of luxury. Eventually. That way that sucked. That rules. It ruled the first couple times. Just because you're jaded, man, and you're tired of trappings of luxury that is that lifestyle. Eventually it was just time to make the donuts. Even Prince got sleepy. Yeah, exactly. It just, you know, yeah, it lost some of its shine after, you know, 17 times. After the third Hurricanrana? Were they working different spots?

There wasn't. They weren't burning down the house. They were just trying to get paid and not break each other's necks. And there were

these two little guys and they were cool. We talked a bunch about wrestling. What were their names? Like The Pebble? I don't remember. Dwayne The Pebble.

John T. They weren't great. They weren't like fun puns. They were just a guy and then another guy. Yeah. I cannot remember what either of the dudes' names were, but they were nice guys.

And towards the end of the run, one of the dudes said that maybe I could go with them and go on the road and referee. And I was like, let me know. And he didn't get back to me. You got your hopes up. No, I thought about doing it. And I thought about how I kept thinking I'd be able to do that and try to, like, book stand-up gigs. What?

By day you were going to referee little guy wrestling and then you were going to little guy wrestling and then you were gonna go do stand-up? I guess, yeah. I would've been traveling. I don't know if it

would've worked. But yeah, it would've been... Oh, I almost fucking aneurysmed. Thinking about you being like, gee whiz, mister, thanks for

the shot. Keep it clean, boys. A little stone cold. Tries to stun you, he kicks you in the shin. He can't reach your head. Uppy! You He can't reach your head.

Hoppy! You have to really settle for him. Yeah, that would have been a wild summer. Yeah, we would have gotten a movie out of it. I would have done it. I would have seen how that worked out. Just you and that motorcycle, both of them in the sidecar? It would have been... was it was the whole

crew like uh three kings had a couple of uh whole cards of little person wrestling and uh so it would have been that like 12 guys and ladies you know like a whole whole card that I would have been running around with, setting up the ring, I think promoting, like handing out flyers. Yeah, getting all the fruit cups, taking all the lids off the pudding. Peeling bananas, yeah. Yeah, for sure, changing diapers. So, yeah, I forgot about it, but I would have had a little bit of the carny lifestyle.

A little bit? You would have been anointed, man. I would have been a god among men. Literally. You could have crushed all your co-workers. I wonder how many of them you would have accidentally sat on. Like a St. Bernard feeding her pups. That would have been probably the way that I would have gotten fired. You keep just sitting down on the toilet without knocking, without looking. Just backing in. Backing into the RV toilet.

You open the door with your butt cheeks. Coming in. Hey, mister. Oh, the water's loud today. Bums away. Yeah, who's in there? Help me. Oh, the water's loud today. Bum's away. Yeah, who's in there? Help me! Oh, God! I had a family!

Little Jim Ross. Ow! Oh, humanity! You're pooping on me! That Halloween party where Big City Drugs played, I stopped a fight between Truffs and the neighbors that were accused of stealing his backpack.

Yeah, of course. Because he was, you know, totally responsible and always knew where his shit was all the time. Well, I'm pretty sure that someone watched them open a window and grab a backpack from the window. But... No, Truffs didn't... He wasn't cooling a pie on the windowsill. His backpack was probably filled with pies, but that's neither here nor there. From other windowsills, yeah.

He for sure lost his backpack. No, I think that he or someone at the party saw what happened. He was like 17 at the time. Yeah, but it doesn't mean that he didn or someone at the party saw what happened he was like 17 at the time yeah but it doesn't mean that he didn't know what happened no stop defending these people you didn't even meet they were my homies but yeah uh it got heated in the like out front of bobby's house i remember allegedly uh a friend of ours that wasn't bobby it was another guy it wasn't robert william crane no it was another guy it wasn't Robert William Crane no it was a different Bobby

but yeah Truffs was pissed and tried to fight one of these neighbor people and there were a few people that were out front and I was dressed up in my Elitch's outfit which was

one wrestler was a zombie one wrestler was a clown and i was half zombie half clown so you were dressed as a college graduate in 2016 i uh was i had the the makeup on yeah and a suit on and what am I? A man chasing his dream, officer. I had to prevent Truffs and a couple of the neighbors from getting into it. And it was tense. So you were off work, but you were still refereeing. Yeah, I was, really. Keep it clean, fellas. Come on, no fish hooks. No ankle biting.

Uh, no, no fish hooks. No ankle biting. Uh, it was intense, too, because after the fact, uh, somebody that was out there said that they were pretty sure one of those dudes had a gun on him. Why did they assume that? Because I think they saw the gun. Mm, much like, okay. Yeah. All right.

But yeah, it was pretty intense. I was on Molly as well. Oh, God. So the whole time, I'm just like, like, gritting my teeth. And I want to like, dance,

but instead I have to like, and Truffs was dressed like a fucking, I think his costume was a Boy Scout. Yeah. So he looked ridiculous, like even more ridiculous than I did. He just kept rubbing his head. He almost got,

he almost got shot. You don't want to fight, little baby. You want to suckle. Come over here. Yeah, I tried to cradle him. That's because you were used to the little guys. You had to calm them down before you put them in their drawer every night. Get back in the pickle jar, Larry.

So, yeah, that was quite the night. That was a fun party, man. Hell of a party. Yeah, that was good. We had some fun back in the day before we got old and stupid. Before we settled down. Mm-hmm. Well, I don't know.

We were tricked into monogamy. I remember on stage I've talked about how when Megan and I started dating, I put it out there that we could keep seeing whoever. She shot that down immediately. And I was like, oh, yeah, probably for the best. Probably for the best, yeah. It would suck if I was just out there getting scoos and you weren't jealous.

What a bummer that would be, right? Yeah, well, yeah, I put it out there thinking, I'm on the road. You go from work to home. I'm on the road, go from work to home i'm on the road and if i'm home you're on the chode so i thought yeah maybe she'll be into it yeah you thought that you were out living your freewheeling lifestyle in different cities being the funniest guy in town compared to your wife who worked 12 hours a day on her feet and would come home and watch parks and rec without showering. You thought you guys might have equal opportunities to get laid out there.

Classic operation. Should have been, yeah, it would have been nice and fair. No. She saw right through it. She was like, uh, no. And, yeah. She's like, look, your dick barely works here. She cut my dick off right then, put it in a chest in the closet.

Yep. Never to be seen again. And then your co-workers had it as a feast. Well, she tried to get it appraised on Antiques Chode Show, but... Security got a hold of her before she got on camera. They were like, ma'am, this is a chode, but it is not an antique. This is a contemporary chode. Something post-modern.

Yeah. Little value. You're not going to see this in a museum. But I did put it out there. Just in case. I never, I was never dumb enough. Or maybe brave enough is the term to try and float that.

You guys hear that? Uh-oh. The pussy alarm. Well, yeah, I don't think it would have made sense for you to offer that to Emily. I do like to tell Emily, though, be like, look, you know how much pussy I could get weren't for your fucking bald ass? Why don't you shut up? Give me my Bud Light.

I didn't say you could wear shoes. Give me those. Sit on them. Yeah. So she can't get them. Maybe they'll hatch. So she can't go out. Yeah.

I want to dance. Dance with who? Me? For the rest of your life? Your life. How, uh... What's the age difference? Is she 30 and you're 33? She was born in 91. Dance with who? Me? For the rest of your life? Your life. What's the age difference? Is she 30 and you're 33?

She was born in 91. I was born in 19. 1919. It's me, FDR's ghost. Give me that pussy, baby. No, yeah. She was born in 91. I was born in 1987. So, four years.

I was going to say, you really took a lot of fun, youthful years away from her by locking her away in the top part of your castle. She proposed to me. That is true. That nitwit? That is true. She was dizzy for spinning around so much, she didn't know any better.

Came down to New Orleans, saw me open for Louis C.K. and she was like, that's the man that I want to be with forever. I taught her how to speak English. I forgot about her thick Lithuanian accent. Yeah, she's a little hood rat running around in Reykjavik.

Emily, I want to be doctor. I want to be American doctor. I want to be a doctor like the man who killed my family. He was also very respected in my village. It was Steve Dr. Death Williams. Steve Wilkos. Dr. Phil killed their family.

Damn, dog. Those are the people I know. You watch a lot of morning TV, daytime television. I do, man. Steve Wilkos. Got his own spin-off show? Yeah. Why?

Wilkin' Around. God. Remember John Wilkins? Bunch of horse shit. Yeah, I just got mad at his Twitter following eight years after the fact. After I complained in our group chat, I was like, fuck, man, I'll bet I said this same shit seven years ago. And eventually came to probably the same conclusion as last time, which is that there's no interactions. So he probably bought, you know, you could, I don't know if you can still pay for a bunch of fake followers. That's what Emily's family did before she came to America.

They worked at a follower farm. Your dowry was Twitter followers? Yep. These are good American followers. These are good, man. They'll like and react. They're going to weigh in, dude. Dude, they're going to tell you, cool move, man.

They're going to agree with you, but sometimes they're going to disagree with you. Oh, man, I don't agree with you. Oh, man, this is unplus good. This is worse than the donkey that you tried to sell me. That wasn't the, that was me. I am the donkey.

A sealer and a donkey sent into America? Nah, man, so. I mean, for sure, Emily would get the better end of the deal if we did have some open situation. She'd just be banging hot doctors. You know, all the old dudes who come in to die in her clinic. I think what we were saying earlier is that there would be an equalized... I can't talk.

There would be... We would have the slight advantage of being on the road entertaining people whatever the new rock stars the leaders of the new school but also we're a couple of dirty gross pigs

yeah but I clean up pretty nice no you always look like garbage no way dude I got sick of hearing that. Like, every Christmas party at Comedy Works, any time, any wedding, like your wedding,

all anybody says to you, I'm sure you as well as me, is like, oh, you clean up nice, which means, oh, you don't look like complete shit for once. Yeah, 364 days a year, you look like a turd a dog ate, and then pooped, and then ate it again.

It really loses its luster after you hear it enough times. You start to hear what they're really saying. Yeah, which is like, ooh, I'm relieved you're not gross. Yeah, oh, look, you decided not to wear overalls to this formal occasion. Well, you got two of the same shoes on. What, did you go see a farrier? Good work. Yeah. So, yeah, I don't know. I think

it could have been fun to be able to have all the... I mean, that's what a bunch of people are trying to do. To have your cake and eat it too? Yeah, why not? I'm sure it's very difficult. That's not a bunch of people are trying to do. To have your cake and eat it too? Yeah, why not? I'm sure it's very difficult. That's not what this country was founded on, man. It's gotta be difficult, it's gotta be stressful, I'm sure

a lot of people are able to make it work, but... No! I think they do. I think a lot of people are able to make it work, because not everybody is high school, possessive, jealous, like you and, uh, your friends in Elizabeth. You have to grow.

Oh, you think you're more evolved than me? Yes. You think you're highly, wow, okay, cool. Yeah. So I'm a Neanderthal. I've put a finger in my own ass, so I would say I'm a couple little steps ahead of you. That's because the toilet paper upstairs sucks. Yeah, you did it on accident. Yeah, it was a whoopsie.

I've done it on purpose. It's great. I came soft. It's like God is letting it soak. It's like God's inside of you. But for real, not like just lying to look cool in church. It's like he's really in you. He's in there.

He's up in this gut. God is real, and I'm about to cum. God is real hard. No, man. I think how open relationships work is there's one person who is living their best life. Getting pounded to hell. Yeah. And then there's another person who is just about to watch The Office again.

It's okay if she doesn't answer the phone. It's fine. You're probably driving. Yeah. You can't drive and talk she would never risk everything I think it can work but you have to be on the same page with the other person

you have to have it all figured out you have to be kind of a sociopath and empty inside I don't think you do I think that used to be the only people that tried to make that shit work but now that people talk more and more, it's...

I think it's less of a freak, marginal thing. It can be doable, but you can't be a possessive little freak. It's one person who proposes it, and then it's another person who's afraid of being

alone so much that they're like, oh yeah, that sounds cool, man, you know? It was so easy to get in this one relationship that I'm sure I can deal with three at once of just no repercussions coming all the time. Sounds terrible, man. Just banging whoever you want without anyone getting

jealous, no hurt feelings. What's the point of banging if no one's getting upset about it? Yeah, there's no sneaking. Yeah, no sneaking, only freaking. You know what you do is whatever rules you set up, you break some of those rules, and then you're back, baby. No.

It sounds like too much work for my taste. And then what, do you gotta talk about it over dinner? I think there's a whole spectrum of amount of conversation that you have. I think there's a whole spectrum of amount of conversation that you have. I think some want to know the who. Some don't want

to know anything. You know, it depends on the couple. The relationship. You're supposed to just fuck one person for your entire life until you drop dead at a Lowe's home improvement store. That's what happens. You're just one day, you're out. That's old school, baby.

Yeah, uh-huh. That's what this country's all about. Married, hating it. Constantly taking a gun out of your mouth. Spending money on shit you don't need. Like the only time you feel alive is when you speed and you close your eyes on the freeway.

Exactly. You ever turn the headlights off at night? Duh. Hell yeah, dude. Yeah. That's pretty fun. It's awesome. Megan didn't know about it

and we were in trinidad uh like a month ago and i turned i turned them off for a sec and she lost her mind i think she got wet oh she's pissed yeah she got scared yeah no she like she tasted death lived life whoa call the void i was like yeah man it rules i hadn't done it in a while i used to do it driving from reno to vegas because i would know there'd be a long stretch and no cars. And you hated your life. And yeah, give or take. You had nothing to lose.

Who gives a fuck? God, it's not real. Right. Let the coyotes eat me. I'm soft every time I want to be hard. Time to go back to the earth. The dirt's on. Yeah, that was pretty good to turn off the headlights for

like five seconds like what you were on the i-25 just this last time no we were uh on like a back road in trinidad so very dark yeah and windy or whatever and i did it for a second so it's not real danger that's what's fun though is there's's no real danger, because if you do it for a second, there's not like a 12-year-old that's going to be on their phone and wander into your path. No one's setting up a lemonade stand at 1 a.m. You have a second or two to just

turn off the lights and all glow, baby. You turn them off and Creech is like, let's have an open relationship! Turn him back on. She's like, whoa! Yeah, she starts getting into the thrill-seeker portion. Let's go bug-chasing, baby! I...

Goddamn! I'm not talking Scorpion! Whoever gets it first is the winner! No, I know what you're saying. We both used to really enjoy the reckless kind of who-gives-a-shit gives a shit, God is dead thing. Yeah.

And I was going to say earlier that it is nice to kind of get past that because those are the guys who die with a fucking belt around their neck or, you know, they get some fentanyl in their cocaine or whatever. And it's like, yeah, you want to taste death, live life every fucking hour. We, yeah, there's a lot that you can get out of just good old fashioned solid relationship, coming home to someone who loves you. I got into that.

Doing puzzles. I didn't want to say it. That is your safe word. Doing puzzles, just walking the dog, looking around at the mountains and the trees. It's awesome, man.

There's a lot that you can get out of that if you don't just buy into the lie that those are all an early grave. That you have to buy. It's all about buying something that will make you feel better. A faster car. A kite. A new pair of shoes. A kite with a key on it. A headlamp that will make you feel better. A faster car. A kite. A new pair of shoes. A kite with a key on it. A headlamp.

You get struck by lightning. Yeah, man, giving up rules. Turn off the headlamp when you're down in the mine. Let the canary go. Fuck it, man. If I die down here, I don't give a shit. I lived. My wife will get my pension.

My brother will get my ranch. my brother will get my wife trinidad is about to open up like a thousand coal mining jobs and i started laughing real hard at the idea of taking one of those jobs working in a coal mine where are you gonna work as the plug talk about a pivot i'd be the canary no you'd be the plug when they're like all right seal up the mine you Talk about a pivot. I'd be the canary. No, you'd be the plug when they're like, all right, seal up the mine. You're just winning the poo of your ass in the hall. All right, fellas, I'll be here. I think I'd be a good second in command. I don't want to take the lead.

I'm a novice, obviously. I'm the greenhorn in the mine. So you should be second in command. That's very big of you. Yeah, I mean, I was vice president, elected to vice president in student council. Graciously accepted the vacated

role of senior class president. After they were deposed. Stepped in smoothly. After they were impeached. Led. For selling secrets to China. Led proudly. And so, yeah, I think I'd be a good right-hand person. You should be a minor. Wouldn't that be funny, though? You're just licking a lollipop'd be a good right-hand person. You should be a miner. Wouldn't that be funny, though?

You're just licking a lollipop, wearing a fucking propeller beanie. I'm a miner. Here's a honeypot operation. I'm a little rascal. Yeah, you're just trying to trick businessmen into having sex with you so Biden can own them. Whoa. Yeah, I'm biding my time. I'm not biding my tongue anymore.

That's for sure. No more seizures for you. Trinidad's going to be weird for you. I don't know what you're going to get up to. You'll probably get a cool job at Radio Shack or something. I already told you and the FGC boys I'm going to get a motorcycle and some guns. Sharpie was like, what are you going to do for work? I was like, I'm going to ride around on my motorcycle and shoot people with my guns.

Yeah, you're going to be Ghost Rider. I'm going to be Ghost Rider, yeah. Yeah, you're going to be a bounty hunter of souls. Right, yes. I will do the devil's bidding. Talk about a right-hand man. I'll be second in command in hell. That's where the mind goes.

That's right. Straight down to the devil's corridor. Dig deep enough. Yeah, you strike red gold. So you're going to hang out with miners. No, I don't think I'm going to do any mining. Who are you going to hang out with down there? There's a couple people down there.

Jay Gillespie's down there. Okay. That novelty will wear off after the third song. I'll hang out with Jay. Co-host Cougar Nights now and then. Probably avoid Wally Wallace. For sure. Unless I need something.

Yeah. Maybe you get some more boner pills like Kayvon. Kayvon's got the hookup. Yep. I don't know. I'm mostly going to be hanging out at home laying low. Okay. I'm not going down to Trinidad to be a fucking social butterfly.

Megan and I just want to walk the dogs without running into 9,000 people from Texas. Okay. I'm not going down to Trinidad to be a fucking social butterfly. Megan and I just want to walk the dogs without running into 9,000 people from Texas. Sure. There's no people from Texas in Trinidad. No, they come and buy weed and then they fuck off back to Texas. Or yeah, they can just come and be rude to you at the grocery store. I don't give a shit.

You'll have a gun. You'll keep that fang on you. I'll have a gun. You'll have your motorcycle helmet on. Doctor's orders. I'll have a gun. You'll have your motorcycle helmet on. Doctor's orders. I'll have my sleeveless shirt. I have prescription pants and a prescription helmet. You're going to come crawling back to me after ten days. Oh, really? Yeah, you're going to be back up in Denver just like,

Hey, man, just thinking about the fun we used to have. All right, I'm going to go hang out with my mind buddies. You know, we're going to be back up in Denver just like, hey man, just thinking about the fun we used to have. All right, I'm going to go hang out with my mind buddies. You know, we're going to keep doing the pod, so we're going to talk. We'll see. I don't know. As soon as Trinidad gets the internet, we're going to keep doing the pod. Yeah, exactly. They're supposed to get it 2021, like first quarter, so maybe March.

All of a sudden, boom, internet, hello. Until then, guys, look out for the only Smoke Signal podcast there is. I think I'm going to start with an Angel Fire page. Cool. So you can see my thoughts. I have a How to Start a Website page on my GeoCities. So check that out. Perfect.

So y'all, join GeoCities. It's just pud.wackington at mouthparty.butt. For some reason, that reminded me of a time when I was newly on, when the internet was still pretty new, probably like 96 or something. And I'm, your AOL instant messenger profile, you could check boxes for what you're interested in. And I'm having a great time, you know, checking the most random shit and giggling. I'm like, oh,

coal mining. And one of them was pregnancy. I'm like, Hey, I'm, I'm interested in the idea of pregnancy. Well, eventually I get a,

an IM from a stranger who's like, Hey, I'm pregnant. Do you want to see pictures of me? And I was like, yeah. So she sends a picture of her pregnant belly. And I was from a stranger who's like, hey, I'm pregnant. Do you want to see pictures of me? And I was like, yeah. So she sends a picture of her pregnant belly. And I was like, oh, cool. That's great.

And I don't remember. How old are you? 15. Okay. So I'm like, oh, shit. This random person wants to talk about being pregnant. Eventually, I remember that I have checked that box. But at first, I'm like,

what the fuck is this? The internet's crazy. This is the World Wide Web, baby. Yeah, I'm cruising. I'm hard. But, uh, so yeah, she sent me the belly picture. I don't think you could see her boobs in it. I think it was just belly. Bummer. And I was like, hey, alright. And then

the next picture she sends is of her husband's dick. And I was like, whoa, hey, come And then the next picture she sends is of her husband's dick. And I was like, whoa, hey, come on. Come on, baby. I don't even see where the baby came from. I didn't check that box. Yeah, yeah. I was like, oh, the internet has backfired. You've got to be earnest as hell on here or else you get going down the rabbit hole.

Only tell the truth online. Yeah. Oh, man. Yeah, that was a good uh man the internet really growed you up quick didn't it oh yeah i remember being at my friend's house you were too young for the internet oh yeah at least i you know i i was 14 and 96 so there was i don't know i and i was still too young for something i was nine and 96, you're devoid of any real moral compass. Yeah, you wonder why I'm pure evil.

The lights went out a long time ago. I remember like Rotten. I saw Lemon Party when it was new. I remember like Rotten.com was just awful, awful things. I wrote the script for Rotten.com. I hosted that website. Yeah, it was a lot right away. It was like, oh, fuck, I'm changed. Yeah, it was a lot right away. It was like, oh, fuck.

I'm changed. I mean, me and my friends were on there looking at the worst stuff ever. And then, like, you know, someone's mom would come in the room and he'd switch back over to E-Bomb's world. We're playing Trebuchet Party. Go back, see how many hands fit in it.

Yeah, man. Gay Chicken? Where we would just like search like you know go to like hard boner.org you know go to boner fiesta yeah and then you just click on stuff and you'd be like gross look you love it that's you that's you in the video you love it whoa what i didn't know they could do that whoa hey that's that's that's not allowed that's all of us what if that was us what if that was us right now did you guys jerk it in a circle we gotta talk about our sponsors uh-oh that's on the nose i'm getting the ixnay on the owner bay, arty bay.

I'm hitting you with the hook. I'm the sandman playing you off. It wasn't consensual. Too real. No, we never did that. Why not? We didn't. Something's in your eye.

No. You're being coquettish. There's nothing in my eye. I'mettish. There's nothing in my eye. I'm flirty. And I wink and it looks like, well, there's nothing in his eye? What's he say? There is something in his eye? Fellas, that's us.

We'll get mixed signals. That's us online. We could get rich. Are we at an hour? I think we're at an hour, man. Enough talking about me jerking in a circle with a couple of kids who OD'd. Yeah, I don't know why

you're worried. Everybody that has any dirt on you from growing up has died tragically and horribly. Yeah, it's like they all got the same hot shot. It's like they all got hooked on the same poison that came from your house, aka Poison Central.

They saw my peen in the shower during wrestling, and they said, where's your ween? All bush, no bird. Wow, quite the nest. Too bad there's no eggs in it. And then they all got the same poison batch. But yeah, guys, if you're one of more in your dead friends, because you come from a small town without any industry,

go to holdthephone.tv. They're doing vigils all the time on there. But more importantly than holdthephone.tv, why don't you go to fucking patreon.com slash chubbybehemoth. We've got over a thousand hours of content on there. Damn, that's a lot of pirated content. Yeah, exactly. I'm hosting Waterworld on there.

We've got every episode of Hollywood Squares. Live sports. Yeah. We're pretty much Hulu. But yeah, seriously, not even blowing smoke, some of our best episodes have been Patreon episodes. Not on, you know, we're just sitting down and seeing what happens. We have very little preparation to this thing. Well, yeah, but it's like when you put a horse on the track and you take the blinders off and he just fucking heads out.

That's what we do on the Patreon, man. Hell yeah. Lun says it all the time on there. It's great. Not true. Yeah, right. You're going to have to pay to find out, but you're going to be disappointed if you're... And also, if you get on

there, next week, I'm going to be in Florida all week, and I'm going to be doing daily chublets, and those will all be on the Patreon starting at five bucks an hour. Whoops. Five bucks. Five bucks an hour? Man. Give me a moon pie. This just went up. Oh, man.

I can't wait for when we get five bucks an hour. I can a moon pie just went up oh man i can't wait for when we get five bucks an hour i can't believe 24 7 i ate that moon pie thinking that i would get like power from it and now i just feel tired and stupid yeah oh god so dumb let me get a quick jolt yeah well you got the sugar high like 20 minutes ago and now you're're crashing. Oh, I got nothing, man. I'm fucking Pete Holmes over here. You washed down a moon pie with a squirt like a real diabetic Donnie. Don't tell my wife. I'm cheating on her. That's how we cheat now and feel alive, is when we eat.

Megan doesn't like McDonald's, Taco Bell. And so, yeah, I drop her off at work, and I'm like, oh, fuck. There's a jack-in-the-box right there. I can still get breakfast. Yeah, go to our fucking Patreon, you apes. Go to our Patreon, spend some money. Another great cause that we're trying to raise money for during a pandemic when we're trying to fight for the marginalized and the oppressed.

The working man. Also, consider donating to Save a Comedy Club. Hey, these are good people. We wouldn't just put it out there for some random schmo who sucks. But Chris Durant up in Humboldt County has taken good care of us through Savage Henry Comedy Festival. He's paid us dozens of dollars. We have made handfuls of homegrown weed. Thanks to Chris Durant, Savage Henry.

They have a comedy club, a physical location that immediately was in trouble because of the pandemic. And so they have a GoFundMe. If you can give any amount of money, even a couple bucks, we'll go a long way. If all 10, 20,000 of you that are listening chipped in some pocket change, it would add up. So that's what I'm thinking. We're not asking for you to move mountains for a little comedy club in Arcata, but you can throw a couple bucks and feel good for trying to help out

the preservation of live comedy for people in Humble. And if you do want to move your mountains, just send some nudes to Durant. You know what I mean? Perk up his pod. Yeah, he loves knowing who has them and who doesn't, so go ahead and jeopardize his marriage

with his beautiful wife. So yeah, they have a GoFundMe. Again, if you have any amount of money and you can support this dying profession of ours. After you subscribe to Chubby Behemoth at Patreon. That's really what you should do with your money. But then if you have any left over, you know,

maybe your grandma's settlement check came early. Sell the dog. Yeah, maybe your grandpa died a couple of months ago and the pension fund hasn't found out. Just go ahead and go cash that check at Walmart. Buy your mouthwash because it's Sunday and you live in a

weird state and then donate to this website. The site is gofundme.com slash save dash savage dash Henry. If you search GoFundMe for Save Savage

Henry, it'll come up. Hopefully we can make sure that that brick and mortar doesn't go under. Rick and Morty. I want to go back through. I want to go back through there and sell some merch, you know. Maybe have somebody dump them out, you know.

And then I can be like, hey, I'm married. We're doing it old school. I can't just plow whatever field comes my way. Yeah, any giant bushed field of all the drifters and runaways who live up in Humboldt. I'd love to snort some patchouli with you and bark at the way. Yeah, any giant bushed field of all the drifters and runaways who live up in Humboldt. I'd love to snort some patchouli with you and bark at the moon,

but, hey, I got a ring on this finger, and it ain't a fucking onion ring, you know what I mean? If it was, I would have eaten my own fucking finger, because I'm a big fat idiot, and I can't tell what's my flesh and what isn't. So, hey, that's on you, man. So, anyway, donate to them hold the phone i guess i don't know if their money ran out yet but uh yeah okay well go to hold the phone dot tv and bunch of great uh sure live uh internet comedy shows all week long damn the roses off the bloom over there i had a moon pie and a squirt. Now I'm grumpy.

You're a bad boy. You should have had a Topo Chico like me. I drank about 12 Topo Chicos in 48 hours the other day. And now I got a kidney stone. That's not how it works. How do you know what works? Man, soda water flushes you. No, dude, you're the one who's afraid to drink your own tap water like a baby.

There's a bunch of lead in there. So what? That's how you get strong. No, you get you're the one who's afraid to drink your own tap water like a baby. There's a bunch of lead in there. So what? That's how you get strong. No, you get strong from calcium. Speaking of calcium, holdthephone.tv. Holdthemilk. Holdthemilk.made. Hold her down.

Lunn likes it. Don't tell my wife. We don't know how to end these, but another Becker-free episode has come to an end, so... Be sure to tell Becker to suck it. Yeah, hey, please do. That'd be funny. Patreon, uh, uh, top-tier people. You got some, uh, Lund lover merch in the mail soon.

Yeah, that $20 goddamn, uh, donation. We put the, we put the check in the mail. So hope you're happy, and God is love, and one is one. And go home and soak. Let it soak, yeah. God is real. Let it soak so that he or she, he, God's pronouns are he, him. Make sure that they don't get mad at you.

And let it soak. Good night.