Chubby Behemoth - Sodom & Fedora

Episode Date: September 11, 2020

Don't touch the shells. Day Owl. Ring the gong.Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā  Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth. ...

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Starting point is 00:00:00 Oh, boy. Like a phoenix rising from the ashes. Yeah, like Phoenix, Arizona, covered in COVID. Hey, everyone. Look, this is another hot pod. We're coming at you. Fucking load the gun. Dig a grave for your wife.
Starting point is 00:00:14 Make sure that your brother can take the kids when the deed is done. Because it is Shubby Behemoth, everyone. And we're all about infanticide, mattressideide. Ripping the tags off mattresses. Going hard in the paint. Not cleaning your taint. Voting for the Saints. Huffing paint. This is it. Chubby B. Sam T.
Starting point is 00:00:35 Live from the 970 down south. Put my dick in your mouth. Are we in the 970? Burn down your house. I don't know. We're in Cortez uh colorado everyone coming to you live from our airbnb that's right bitches and brews bitches and bratwursts i like airbnbs with very specific rules where you just want a place to like put your stuff and sleep and then they're like the seashells are not to be touched do please do not
Starting point is 00:01:06 press any of them up against your ear it's not the ocean it's the vibration of your inside of your eardrum it's like you know there's just like four pages do not put the doorknobs in your mouth the doorknob must be turned clockwise counterclockwise will cause the entire structure to collapse the door hinges are not gold foil wrapped in chocolate do not try to eat them this airbnb is uh decorated in what i like to call mid-century white guilt it's just a white woman who's like second husband died and she got the money so she bought this house she put a bunch of prayer fucking flags on the porch. There's a wicker duck for some reason. Yeah. At least it's sparse.
Starting point is 00:01:50 I don't like when there's shit everywhere. And it's like, you don't have to have every inch of your personality splayed on the walls. You could just have something regional, something nice or something interesting instead of just continuing to add. There's a urn over there. Is it? Yeah, there's an urn over there. Is it? Yeah, it's filled with Navajo ghosts. Oh, boy. I think we're on the Ute Reservation. We're just north of it, I think. Are we? Yeah. We should go down there and buy some fireworks.
Starting point is 00:02:18 I don't, much like America, I do not recognize any treaties. Oh, you think that words are just words? Yeah. A man's promise means nothing? Yeah. You're a capitalist, huh? I'm a capitalist, man. Look, things change, okay? Industry
Starting point is 00:02:33 rolls on. Just because you have this precious burial ground doesn't mean I don't need to build an Arby's on it, alright? We're going to put the I-25 right through this burial mound. Manifest Destiny says the people want meat, and we have it. No, we got the meats. We also have the beans.
Starting point is 00:02:49 We tricked you. Hilarious. So, one, you were in the bathroom for a long time. Of course, yeah. Let's go from one annoying stance to another. Okay, you run the show. I'll be the sidekick today. Good call.
Starting point is 00:03:03 We got a show tonight. Comedy's back. It's better than ever. There's money to be made. Hand over fist. Hand over stink fist. You need to wash your hands is what you're saying. I'm a water conservationist. Nice. And so I only
Starting point is 00:03:20 wash my hands if they smell to high heaven. I used to fake wash my hands all the time isn't that crazy what for your po you're like oh yeah i'm clean yeah exactly after i fill the cup here you go it's not surge this time no man like if you pee and you're in like a girl's apartment small apartment she's sitting on that she's like a studio yeah you go in the bathroom you pee just pee i just turn the faucet on for like 25 seconds. Let the water run.
Starting point is 00:03:48 Just look myself in the mirror and say, you're going to get this pussy. You're going to get this pussy. Why is that better than just washing your hands in 10 seconds? I don't know. I think I have some kind of anti-authoritarian complex. Oh, you do. For sure. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:03:59 I don't like to be bossed around by the societal norms. But yeah, I've been fake washing my hands for years. That's so stupid. During COVID, from March 17th to now, I've washed my hands more than I have in my entire 48 years on this earth. I'm not lying. You forgot to say your Hollywood age. Oh, I forgot. Yeah, my entire 17 years on this earth.
Starting point is 00:04:21 Yeah, say I'm 17, I'm 22, I'm older and wiser. You are, and I'm kind of the bad boy. I don't give a fuck. The young heartthrob. Yeah, I'm playing Twitch on TikTok. You're big on the hand sanitizer. You've been good about that. Oh, I've been trying to be as safe as
Starting point is 00:04:37 possible. You know, another way to be safe is to wash your hands and actually wash them instead of fucking pinch-fibbing when it comes to your hygiene. Well, when I dump, it's not a pinch-fib. That's reality, brother. It doesn't pinch off. The floodgates are open.
Starting point is 00:04:53 No. But yeah, no, I have been washing my hands during COVID, but I for sure... But you hate it. I do hate it, yeah. Because you think... You're like the anti-mask people. You feel like it's a direct assault on your freedom. Yeah, it's my personal liberty.
Starting point is 00:05:06 To wash your fucking hands. Yeah, I don't like the CDC getting in the bathroom or the bedroom. Stay out of there. That's my time. That is like the only place I'm ever alone. Yeah. Because whenever I'm not in the bathroom, I've got the paparazzi all over me. You got.
Starting point is 00:05:23 The greedy eyes of society your kids moms begging you to help with their dental health poppy he need teeth his teeth no come in daddy his teeth on the outside of his mouth i sold those teeth juanita they're half my teeth too juanita's cool man uh I know that when you knocked her up you guys were both 14 but she's like trying hard yeah people change she wants a relationship yeah on some level or if not with you and her at least with uh little Tito I allowed her friend request on LinkedIn didn't I that's a. LinkedIn, let's talk about this. I've invested heavily.
Starting point is 00:06:07 Let's not talk about my first wife and son, Tito. Well, we don't want to get into that without the lawyers being on the pod. No, well, Tito, I'm trying to get him in law school so he can sue his mom. What was I saying? Something. Yeah. You said, let's get into this, LinkedIn. Oh, yeah, LinkedIn is the future like a
Starting point is 00:06:25 jackpot i've invested in linkedin it's the future i feel like people aren't going to be on instagram in a couple years they're just going to be networking and hustling yeah just trying to connect with other uh people who want to open a hot dog cart slash covid testing center oh yeah mobile hot dog COVID testing center. If you test positive, you get two hot dogs. Makes you forget about how scared you are, whether you're going to make it or not. You are a COVID denier in a way because you think that it's just old people. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:07:01 And I think that's hilarious. Well, I don't think it's just old people. I just listened to what the CDC numbers said when they changed them mysteriously after college football came back. Once the veil was pulled over Lady Liberty's eyes and the scales of justice were tipped
Starting point is 00:07:15 to the side of science once more. That's all I'm saying, man. Yeah. I know you want to live in a world where your feelings matter, but I'm living in a world of hard truths. Yeah, I'll bet in a world of hard truths. Yeah, I'll bet. Where Sam T. rules. Sam T. Nation worldwide.
Starting point is 00:07:32 Everybody else is just pretending you're the real deal. Yeah. You burp while you talk. It's a time saver. I like to waste air. If COVID's real, I shouldn't be breathing that much, right? Multitasking with your mouth. No, I think COVID's real i shouldn't be breathing that much right multitasking with your mouth no i think covid's real i'm married to a doctor on paper you know and she's telling me that the uh for tax purposes yeah exactly it's a lie so my parents will love me you know i don't have
Starting point is 00:07:56 to come out as gay so you get the house after they die yeah and i get the mouth from all the guys. That hot tub is a scene, a bacchanal of depravity. Well, you say it's depraved. I say it rules. By the way, Becker is here, everyone. He's taking hash dabs. Yeah. Yeah, he's a maniac. He definitely has some type of sordid past that he's running from.
Starting point is 00:08:24 Yeah. In a cloud of concentrated hash dabs. Yeah, Becker just keeps telling us how he's running from. Yeah. In a cloud of concentrated hashtags. Yeah, Becker just keeps telling us how he's friends with Bugs Bunny and Dave Chappelle's his homie. It's just a fucking myriad of lies from this guy. I can't keep up with him, but he drove us down here because my car was impounded because I was protesting that mosque. So it's tough out here for us pimps. We're down here at Down South. We did a show last night in a backyard
Starting point is 00:08:50 in Durango. It was the front yard, man. It was the front yard. Why change the narrative? Well, I control the narrative. You're such a manipulator. I am. We were in a backyard in Dolores, Colorado. Why lie about the most tiniest of details? I'm trying to punch it up.
Starting point is 00:09:05 A backyard is funnier? I think backyard is funnier, yeah. Backyard, people have a picture of it in their head. There's a rope swing. There's a guy smoking a corn cog pipe in a hammock. A bunch of toads hopping around. Historically, tire swings are in the front yard, so you're already completely full of shit. What do you know about yards?
Starting point is 00:09:22 I've seen them. I've read about them in books. You don't have a yard. I minored in front yardology, so I know a thing or two about... And now, hey, backyards are not my thing, but I can go toe-to-toe with you
Starting point is 00:09:35 when it comes to front yards. Well, think about it. Business in the front yard, party in the backyard. That's how it works. Mullet logic. That is the saying. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:09:42 That's what's carved into my back. All right, so we're in a backyard in santa fe new mexico that's right yeah uh we're chilling with the cast of breaking bad turquoise everywhere yeah i'm not wearing anything but a turquoise belt and a gun is wasted and a gun is crazy and i've got a gun on my hip and i keep shooting at the moon and saying prove yourself god you coward it was a blast. It definitely wasn't 11 people and we got paid $60 between the two of us. Yeah, who would do such an insane thing as that with their time?
Starting point is 00:10:13 Who would drive seven hours to do that on the one weekend their wife has off? You got to want it. Dude, I'm all about the game. I don't care about the money, the fame, the success, the respect of my peers. No, all that's horseshit. I do it for the game. You know, I don't care about the money, the fame, the success, the respect of my peers. No. Oh, that's horseshit. I do it for the laughs. I do it for the fucking 12 minutes of jokes that I get to do. I like to make Trump supporters feel real good about themselves. That's why I'm
Starting point is 00:10:34 here. Exactly. I want them to know that, look, politics is politics, but we still have hearts. We have more in common than we do differences. Yeah, we're all white. At the shows I do. Yeah, that's in your writer. Your ghost writer.
Starting point is 00:10:50 Remember in the movie Ghost Rider when Sam... What's his name? Nicholas Cage? No, but the other guy. Sam with the big mustache. The stranger. Sam Elliott. They're in the graveyard and Nicholas Cage rides out. And it's like halfway through the movie but Sam Elliott needs to give everyone the update.
Starting point is 00:11:06 So he says, he's the rider. The ghost rider. And then the music, like, Sepultura kicks in. Nicolas Cage rides down a dusty road. That's the funniest part of that movie. Megan and I just watched it recently. Why? Just because.
Starting point is 00:11:21 How slow are things going? How dead is that bedroom? we wanted something stupid sure so that we weren't just like crushed by all of the fucking hopelessness
Starting point is 00:11:30 around us we wanted escapism ever heard about it? it's why you thrive is that you rhyme for 45 minutes and people are like
Starting point is 00:11:39 oh this is better than thinking about my mom in the hospital so yeah escapism and Ghost Rider was funny because we thought it was we thought it was funny when sam elliott is riding that horse and they ride for like
Starting point is 00:11:51 3 000 miles or whatever yes but but then like he's just gone like doesn't he like say never mind brother like you gotta go the rest of the way on your own it's like it's a football field they're like riding for like this montage of like seven minutes and then yeah the entirety of in the god of davida plays yeah yeah extended version yeah acid trip uncut like me and your dad yeah my dad's got a scar he had circumcision. So he did it himself? My wife's not going to do circumcisions. Oh, yeah? Yeah, she said she refuses.
Starting point is 00:12:30 Okay. So don't get your hopes up. Because it's just based in whatever old-world tradition, but no real... There's no, like... Any beliefs about it being a cleanliness thing have been disproven. Yeah. So it's unnecessary. Dudeliness thing have been disproven. Yeah. So it's unnecessary. Dude's dicks are supposed to stink.
Starting point is 00:12:50 Yeah. It's supposed to be... Power move. Smelly on the tip, not smelly on the shaft, balls reek. That's how it is, man. That's what God intended when he designed us. Deal with it. Yeah. I like that.
Starting point is 00:13:03 Take a stand. I like when my doctor... take a stand with your gland has her personal opinions and beliefs affect my access to care no i like that yeah don't do it don't do it why would you're gonna leave it you're gonna fucking take a snip of the the sweetest part of a boy i got three and a half inches down there you want to take the half yeah fuck that that coveted half it's just off of the top that's the seventh of my hog my little baby hog and also you have to get the kids hard first that can't be true for sure yeah you gotta get the kid all stiffed up you don't have to but that's what that's what those moils used to do those moils are fucking sucking you gotta get
Starting point is 00:13:42 him hard and he's he is not in the mood. The moils put the baby's dick in their mouth afterward. I know, that was a part of the sacred tradition that God whispered in Moses' ear was, you gotta suck that blood off or else if a drop of that blood hits the earth, the entire family will be
Starting point is 00:14:00 cursed forever. Yeah, seven years of family if you don't belate this baby. Good luck sucking my kid's dick for a while. Hey man, if that's don't belate this baby. Good luck. It's fun sucking my kid's dick for a while. Hey man, if that's part of the religion I'm signing up. I'll be a holy man
Starting point is 00:14:11 if I get to cram some holy ham. Yeah, and also all those kids got herpes. You remember that in New York? That was a thing. A bunch of babies
Starting point is 00:14:19 got herpes from dirty moils giving them the secret kiss. Goddamn. Yeah. Literally, goddamn God to hell.
Starting point is 00:14:26 Yeah. Fuck that. We heard an owl outside, me and Becker. During the day? Yeah. It stopped when you slammed the door and went inside. Yeah, because birds respect me. I think it's because you're cursed.
Starting point is 00:14:38 I have dominion overall. I'm pretty sure that means that the devil reigns in heaven. Did you hear a day owl? Yeah, the poles have reversed Yeah God's throne's been abdicated And Satan's riding shotgun Yeah I'm glad that a lot of our Lives are directly Impacted by the religious
Starting point is 00:14:57 And superstitious Like why move on And create a new world Based on logic and science when you can just hold tight to whatever your grandma thought? Right, yeah. Just get your fucking claws into something and don't forget. I mean, as Bill Maher always says.
Starting point is 00:15:14 As Bill Maher. As Bill Murray Maher. As Bill Frankincense used to say. Stage name, Bill Maher. Nice. I forgot what Bill Murr said he sucks
Starting point is 00:15:26 yeah he said the N word and got away with it for some reason he said the N word he said it many times yeah he's not all bad
Starting point is 00:15:34 and then he gets in trouble go on and then people just let him keep having a show or whatever he sucks man I remember when he said
Starting point is 00:15:43 the N word he was funny he was funny long ago. Much like religion, we've outgrown Bill Maher. We need to move on to something new. He's proof of the opposite of intelligent design. Worship Trevor Noah and his
Starting point is 00:15:56 arc. I'm Trevor Noah? Hello? Me, Trevor Noah? You were doing better with South Africa yesterday. Sooth African? me trevor now you were doing better with south africa yesterday sooth african sooth is that soothsayer from south africa is that how you say it it's gone now i don't know where you're at south african hey it's back oh hello like a boomerang the official weapon of south africa I'd go to South Africa.
Starting point is 00:16:25 Let's go. We can't go. Oh yeah, I forgot. Yeah. COVID. No, you got five DUIs. Don't COVID thy neighbor. I have one DUI and it was a good one.
Starting point is 00:16:40 I should have a million DUIs. But, you know, one hiccup, not one bourbon one bottle one school bus crashed into i don't miss that man that fucking dread of like oh god i had eight beers in the last hour and a half and i have to drive home i don't have to but i'm going to get to i'm such an idiot that's my privilege every beer makes you think that your dick is longer and you're better at driving when you're buzzed or whatever the fuck. Ugh, yeah. I'm almost four years sober and that means
Starting point is 00:17:13 that I've saved a lot of lives, I think. If I would have kept drinking, I would have had quite the body count. Yeah, they'll have night school to happen again once you hung up your spurs. The whole generation has a future. Yeah, they'll have night school to happen again once you hung up your spurs. The whole generation has a future. Yeah, you retire New Jersey.
Starting point is 00:17:30 Yeah, it's gross, man. We've talked about it before. I wish that there were a culture here with drinking where it was more about having a good time or your taste in certain types of alcohol or whatever. But it's not. It's all about quantity and like extremists, you know, just taking it to the limit, all that bullshit.
Starting point is 00:17:51 Pounding. Yeah. Why can't we have any, just like moderation in anything? We've already talked about this, but it's in the archives. It is. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:18:00 Look it up. Which people love. I think in a podcast, like, Oh yeah, that's in the archives. Check it out. You got a Dewey Decimal System for your dumb podcast.
Starting point is 00:18:08 We've done seven episodes. Go back into the tombs. The catacombs of Chubby Behemoth. And you'll find some gold. Yeah, find that stalactite. So yeah. And I wasn't good at moderation, so I stopped. I moderated myself last night.
Starting point is 00:18:24 I only had four drinks. You only jerked off four times in front of us. I didn't jerk at moderation, so I stopped. I moderated myself last night. I only had four drinks. You only jerked off four times in front of us. I didn't jerk at all. I pleasured. I don't stroke. It's like I'm starting a fire. Give yourself an Indian burn. Yeah, it's like I'm trying to make pasta.
Starting point is 00:18:39 A fusilli. A gnocchi. My dumb wife didn't know there was potatoes in gnocchi. Damn. I had to blownocchi damn blow her up call her out you must have missed the day on making gnocchi in the ER man doctors are fucking weird
Starting point is 00:18:58 dude they're just people like us but they decide who lives and dies it sucks right they're like teachers they like who lives and dies. It sucks. Right. They're like teachers. They like to party and get all fucked up. Oh, yeah.
Starting point is 00:19:08 But then they're also responsible for shaping society. Mm-hmm. Yeah. I don't care for just the human... I wish they were infallible, like the Pope or O.J. Simpson. I wish they could do no wrong. I also wish they were beloved by the black community, but there's a lot of bad blood there. There is, man. Doctors are
Starting point is 00:19:30 like real racist on accident all the time. I don't know if it's on accident. Well, it's like, you know how we all have like these ingrained racism? Yeah. You know? Like you don't think about it, but like doctors are constantly, like a black guy will come in and they'll be like, so do you have a a house it's just like the questionnaires for different types of people are wild well yeah and i feel like part of the problem is that there were like doctors or or in medicine there were just like stated facts of like oh yeah black skin is a lot it doesn't have as many nerve endings so you don't have to worry as much about their pain. It's like, this fucking book was written by Hitler.
Starting point is 00:20:07 Why are we still teaching it in this fucking university? I don't understand that. The ridges on their skull mean that they can't get the flu. Yeah, what the hell? And then, but shouldn't doctors have figured that shit out long ago and moved on? Doctors should know a lot more than they do. But a lot of it's just guessing and witchcraft they're literally rolling dice in there they're playing dnd they are yeah it's like oh you roll the one you don't get a catheter sorry you don't get that stint in
Starting point is 00:20:36 your arm yeah that's uh ridiculous i feel i wish i feel like we should be like when people complain about how we don't have jetpacks and stuff, it's like, yeah, because we still have people that think that, you know, God got it right in zero fucking A.D. or whatever. And, like, we have much to learn by looking to the past. It's like, no, it was a bunch of savages back then. They didn't know where the sun went at night. That's right, yeah.
Starting point is 00:21:00 They celebrated the fact that they came up with fire for like 2000 years they were tricked by water they didn't have mirrors they were literally beholden to the magic of reflection off water yeah we're like yeah they got it right back then we have a lot to learn from our elders what are you talking about
Starting point is 00:21:19 they were so brave they fought the great war if it's sunny and raining they think that the devil is beating his wife. Like, who would marry the devil? Juanita did. That was not good news back then. That's right. Yeah, you're a different person as well.
Starting point is 00:21:34 You guys have both come along, right? I was stealing copper wire and selling it for scrap metal. It wasn't a good deal. I would marry the devil. Yeah. For sure, dude. think about the power the devil has right you got a kick-ass condo in hell yeah and there's a pool rent to own instead of just throwing money down the well yeah you get a torture uh william shatner is he dead rest in
Starting point is 00:21:58 peace uh no he's still kicking he's doing like colostomy bag commercials. He's in jail. He was kicking women. And they're like, this is New Mexico, buddy. We don't let that fly. They do. That's the one place you can do it. New Mexico is pretty much the Italy of America. Women have no rights and they're all bruised up from the neck down.
Starting point is 00:22:22 It's bad down there, dude. Yeah, Albuquerque. We talked about Albuquerque on the way down uh-huh yeah it's bad down there dude yeah albuquerque we talked about albuquerque on the way down here that's a just a vortex of insanity i think a lot of people running from something and then they're all bumping into each other and so they just are all constantly pulling knives and threatening one another yeah and there's like a school and then also people who are very anti-education Yeah New Mexicans Yeah the locals New Mexico is the dumbest state in the union
Starting point is 00:22:51 It's like always them or Mississippi Not the dumbest the least funding for schools Right the most Fucked over by their government Most boned By Big G My grandma's from New Mexico From the top down.
Starting point is 00:23:05 I don't think she could read. She didn't have to. She didn't. She just followed the stars. She had them. She had birds sing to her. Day owls. What else?
Starting point is 00:23:17 No. I don't know. We haven't really said anything funny yet, but it's okay. I feel like that's not true. Okay, good. Yeah, Jake's dying. I'm hyper sensitive for this podcast. All the listeners out there, I'm really fucking sweating every goddamn word.
Starting point is 00:23:34 I want people to love this so much. Really? You're trying really hard right now? Yeah. Huh. Yeah, because you're over there like, another thing about politics. And I'm like, ball ball licks uh uh shatter sticks uh jiminy glick you know i'm just trying to think of rhymes yeah that's that's your idea of working hard scraping your mind what rhymes with dick i'm trying to get the marrow out of
Starting point is 00:24:02 these bones man uh no let's get into some heavy shit. No, I'm kidding. Where do we go when we die? I think, I have been I've hung onto this, that matter can't be created or destroyed. It just changes. Allegedly. Well, what proof do you have? Albert Einstein got his rocks off on that.
Starting point is 00:24:20 Where's he? Somewhere cool, I would imagine. He's fucking his cousin in heaven. That's what you hope for. That's heaven for imagine. He's fucking his cousin in heaven. That's what you hope for. That's heaven for you. He married his cousin. Oh, yeah? He's Jerry Lee Lewis, the little girl. Damn.
Starting point is 00:24:32 Yeah. Well, maybe I should stop spouting the words of Einstein. Or maybe you should get into physics. But I think that there's something, and I don't think that we're supposed to know what it is We're just supposed to be here now And then whatever comes next is probably pretty cool Otherwise this would be a real raw deal for a lot of people
Starting point is 00:24:54 You know, somebody A kid born with cancer dies at like six weeks old That can't be it for that being For that energy That's just it You're spiritual? I'm not spiritual, but I am Catholic I'm not spiritual, but I am Catholic. I'm not spiritual, but I am afraid of death.
Starting point is 00:25:10 I am the other. Yeah, I go against the grain. No, I don't think that we're supposed to know, but I think something cool comes. I want to be able to fly through the stars, through the cosmos, and I hope that that's part of the reality. I want that for you. I believe that we're eaten by weasels i think we go in the dirt and worms eat us and poop us out and that's where the matter goes well i want to get comfort in the idea that the end is the same or what comes after your consciousness is the same as before you came about which is you're not aware of it at all.
Starting point is 00:25:46 But that's not super comforting. It's just better than being tortured by Satan. Or being his right-hand man. Being Satan's sidekick, riding in the sidecar, hitting the dune buggy. Satan's maintenance man. Yeah. Satan's wacky upstairs neighbor. I'd love to Kramer Satan's lair.
Starting point is 00:26:04 Go sliding in. S-Man. What up? The comedic relief. For an eternity of pain. Yeah, for the fucking fire-filled void that is hell. I like whoever came up with hell to scare
Starting point is 00:26:22 the villagers because they were just complete madmen. Louis Black had a funny, he talked about that. Let's do some Louis Black bits. I like whoever came up with hell to like scare the villagers because they were just complete madmen. Louis Black had a funny, like he talked about that. Let's do some Louis Black bits. Uh, let's get into Black's corner. Let's get Black Book. Let's paint it black.
Starting point is 00:26:34 No, he just said something about how like to get, you know, to control people or to prevent them from like fucking their camel. Yeah. They'd be like, you can't do that. And they're like, why? And they're like, well, cause, well, because, I don't know. Hell, when you die, you'll get in trouble. I think that was on Black in the Saddle.
Starting point is 00:26:54 I don't know. Or was it in Blackface? I love all of his albums. It might have been Blackish. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Live from Carnegie Hall. I liked when he got into porn and he was on Blacked.
Starting point is 00:27:07 Remember that? Those are good. Those are solid, man. Yeah, I'll watch those. Yeah. Black Attack. Don't Look Back. Jack.
Starting point is 00:27:17 Oh, here you go trying again. Man, what a lawless group that you had to create like hell and being tortured and it's like oh for like five years i don't care i'm gonna keep doing what i'm doing no it's forever oh but i'd probably get used to it no you can't get used to it well if i don't have a physical body why would i feel pain like wouldn't that be like you know just left behind you start stoning that guy yeah oh kill him he's a witch yeah we've we've done so many dumb things in the interest of like control and it's even better if you're told that hell exists because you're fucking your camel and you keep fucking your camel because camel pussy's worth it
Starting point is 00:27:56 you're willing to risk a damnation yeah yeah that's later i live for the now pull your sunglasses down. Hop back in that camel. Humping. One hump or two. This pussy's dromedary. It would be one thing if there were more religious people
Starting point is 00:28:20 that it just kept them in check, but they always have to proselytize and spread the good word. Yeah. Yeah. People will find it. Let's spread some bad words. You know, like shit and damn and crap.
Starting point is 00:28:32 And buttholes. Yeah. Snooge. The new one. You ever finger your butt? No, dude. You never have. No, what?
Starting point is 00:28:41 You're so full of shit. No, I'm not! You do? I have, yeah. What are you talking You're so full of shit. No, I'm not! You do? I have, yeah. What are you talking about? When you're jerking it, you put a finger in your butt. It's crazy. Ugh!
Starting point is 00:28:52 You're so dumb. I'm dumb? Your wife's a doctor and you didn't know about this? You think I'm dumb because I don't finger my own butt? Because you haven't explored your body. I've been on some unmapped territory. Here be dragons. Apparently not. I've never fingered my own butt. You fingered your own belly button. You're like, ugh. explored your body i've done i've been on some unmapped territory here be dragons apparently
Starting point is 00:29:05 not i've never fingered my own butt you fingered your own belly button you're like oh i hate that makes me nauseous it just did i know i hate the idea of your belly button it makes you nauseous i hate it yeah yeah you're not ready for the butthole i'm not ready for the butthole you know what comes out of there i've been told. Your ancestors. They're disappointed in you. I'm not making stew, man. I just don't know. I don't like what goes on between these cheeks enough to try and make a friendship with it. I don't want to be allies with the dark crater.
Starting point is 00:29:42 Your butthole is Russia in the 80s. Exactly. And the rest the view is the united states we have a cold war going i'm not gonna probe for an allegiance with my becker have you explored down there i yeah it's pretty cool i don't do it all the time it's like not it's not really worth like i wouldn't i wouldn't want to constantly uh keep it clean enough to like get in there but i when i was younger, how did you not? When you're younger and it's all new. I do like holding in a turd a little too long.
Starting point is 00:30:12 That feels good. What? I mean, let's... What, hear him out? No, I was going to say, let's let you figure it out. I've always loved holding one in. Why? The control?
Starting point is 00:30:28 I think it feels the same as something going in, probably. No. Yeah, it's kind of taboo and forbidden. Like, you've got a secret. It's not food. No one in the movie theater knows what you're up to. No one in line at Qdoba knows what you're doing over there. All right, so you're taking things slow back there.
Starting point is 00:30:43 Well, yeah, I don't want to go in, but I'll slow down the coming out. Steve and AJ said it's like a... What does he say? It's like an injector seat for your fucking cum. You press that button and it's like, Oh, now I'm done. You know, if you only have a few minutes to get to work. Was that on AJ's album, Black in the Saddle?
Starting point is 00:31:11 He's black. I don't't know he's our friend he's the comic of the week have you been the comic of the week uh on this podcast no you blocked me out yeah i'm on a roll yeah you stopped the voting on that one Every episode, sure enough It's long I wanted to kick your ass last night before bed Why? Because you wouldn't let me ring the gong Oh yeah, because you can't You can't stop yourself
Starting point is 00:31:37 From banging a gong How many times are you going to go to bed next to your best friend And before you do, you bow and ring a gong I think I would have been okay with zero times How many times are you going to go to bed next to your best friend, and before you do, you bow and ring a gong? I think I would have been okay with zero times. It's like feudal Japan. We're two samurai. Uh-huh.
Starting point is 00:31:53 Yeah, we have different lords. You know, when you fucking take your kimono off and you get in the old salt bath. Konnichiwa, ring the gong. Uh-huh. Yeah. Dude, I would never, ever stop you from ringing a gong as many times as you wanted. That's all I'll say. We're different that way.
Starting point is 00:32:10 Yeah. Well, yeah, you have no control except when it comes to putting a finger in your butt, and then you're like, never. But you see a gong, and you're like, I've got to do it twice. Yeah, you're butt-fringing yourself. I'm supposed to respect you? I'm supposed to, like, you know, allow you to have the same foothold as I do? Yeah, it's cool, man.
Starting point is 00:32:30 Ringing a gong's cool. It's nothing. And also, I came out here this morning, I woke up early at 7.30 to pull a classic gong prank. You set an alarm. I did. So that you could, yeah, anger me first thing in the morning. Yeah, wake you up pissed. And yeah, guess what? Yeah, you took the goddamn hammer. Yep. I couldn't ring the gong.
Starting point is 00:32:46 It was in bed with me. It was under your pillow. Guess where the handle of that gong ringer was last night. Oh, Konichiwa. I said bonsai and then went in.
Starting point is 00:33:00 Yeah, you woke up and the first thing you said come and fucking get it. You held up the gong hammer the mallet you said, come and fucking get it. You held up the gong hammer, the mallet, and you said, come and fucking get it. Yeah, I was ready to go. Had a good night's sleep. You do look so funny. You look like a little mole rat in the bed.
Starting point is 00:33:17 A little mole rat. Yeah. Combination mole rat. You look like some kind of creation doctor. Stronger than both. I was going to say Dr. Savago, but no. What was the one? Mengele?
Starting point is 00:33:30 Mengele? He made a mole rat or two. He did. Out of gypsies. What is it? Romani? What is it? Zygonists.ists that's the term those without a homeland is that it because a zionist is one who has a homeland like you know the palestinian conflict it's all their fault um yeah so a zygonist is one who wonders without a home now who's the stupid one i don't think i don't believe any of what you just said.
Starting point is 00:34:05 Why don't you pull your finger out of your ass and listen? I'm glad I told you that because now it's all you will talk about. Well, didn't I say something crazy last night that you were taken aback by? I'm sure you did. I had some revelation and you were like, my God.
Starting point is 00:34:22 Becker, you know what we're talking about? I don't remember. I think that you said dogs are boys, cats are girls. No, that's like on the internet now. Yeah, this isn't the best podcast ever. That's the hot take that everybody's saying. Yeah, this is every comic in LA's opener. Have you seen this?
Starting point is 00:34:38 Have you heard about this? Dogs are cats. Yeah, dogs are cats. A hot dog is a boy and a hamburger is a girl i think that's true yeah hamburgers are buns i'm speaking truth to power i'm powerful you need to speak truth to shower you stink let me check i think we all kind of stink honestly well we were in a car for seven hours. Yeah, we made 60 bucks. We both broke a sweat trying to entertain seven and a half people.
Starting point is 00:35:14 Yeah, there was that kid in a wheelchair. Yeah, no legs. No legs, all heart. No legs, Ryan. He had a heart for a brain. A brain for an ass. And you kept trying to finger his brain yeah hello is this thing on?
Starting point is 00:35:30 I like that you're fingering your butt I'm proud of you I'm not currently doing it I don't believe that you've never done it I never have you're such a depraved fucking psychopath I'm not depraved you have no moral compass.
Starting point is 00:35:48 You only feign fucking care for others. So you have demolished your own asshole for sure. I have not, man. I've never knocked on the door. I've never solicited my butthole. You've never made the ring sing. That was rhyming. All right. Your improv ring sing? Now it's rhyming. Alright. Your improv light's on. That's good.
Starting point is 00:36:08 Hey. I have not ever made the ring sing. It's okay. It's pretty good. I've never wanted to do any butt play with a woman. I feel like it's just a one-on-
Starting point is 00:36:24 not even a one-on- not even one-on-one, one-on-one situation. But hey, if you're into it, I could see it being cool. I just have not wanted to share my butthole
Starting point is 00:36:35 with anyone else. It's mine. I'd feel better about fingering my own asshole than having anyone ever go knock on the back door.
Starting point is 00:36:42 I don't want to ever have a woman that I love where I'm paying by the hour to have to dig a ring out of there. Oh my god, dude. That would suck. I'm so ashamed of the inside of my cheek meat.
Starting point is 00:36:54 Also, I think my cheeks are about six inches from crust to core. I think I have a deep butt. Yeah. Well, that means you've got more topsoil to play with. No, it means there's more fucking bats in the belfry. Oh, okay. Yeah, there's so much hair, there's so much room for dingleberries, humperdinks, whatever you want to call them.
Starting point is 00:37:14 Oh yeah, you would have to do a lot of landscaping in order to be comfortable with somebody else getting back there. I need a power washer. And I don't do that. I'd have to go to Home Depot and rent a power washer you would use to clean concrete and sit on it for half an hour before i let even anyone even see me nude yeah it'd be too much too much work so yeah i get that but hey i'm not gonna judge couples that are knee deep in each other's bungholes you judged me you said that i was defrayed not doing it i just had no moral comfort i judge you for what i believe is you lying why would i lie because you're ashamed i'm not ashamed you're the one who's
Starting point is 00:37:58 filled with shame nope yeah you're a shameful individual i let it loose you scurry around in the darkness just fucking eating dirt. You're disgusting. Mole rat. Yeah, a little mole rat. A little Mormon mole rat. Why am I Mormon? Because you wear special underwear. Mormons don't even acknowledge the existence of a butthole, let alone finger it. It's rumored.
Starting point is 00:38:18 Actually, I think that Mormons are all about butt play because it's not sex. Oh, they do the backdoor exception or whatever? Yeah, the backdoor clause. I like that belief that God won't care about you getting your ass destroyed because he didn't
Starting point is 00:38:33 do the sign of the crossover like he does every vagina on its way down from heaven. There's no umpire in your rump empire. There's just the Holy Ghost hangs out in your pussy. The doorman. Let me see some ID.
Starting point is 00:38:49 You're not on the list to get into heaven. You're on God's shit list. Go around back. There's no rules back there. Yeah, I think that's pretty cool. I like a loophole in my religion.
Starting point is 00:39:01 With my poophole. No, I wasn't even going to say that. Oh, yeah, it's beneath you? You fucking liar. You are so full of shit. That's a hacky rhyme. That's disappointing. What? You have no moral compass?
Starting point is 00:39:15 You're the god of hell. That's me. The god of hell. Man, this has been a wild one. This is a real road show. Yeah, well, you know, when you have to drive seven hours to split 60 bucks. That moral GPS starts really getting on the fritz. Yeah, dude. This is why we've been doing comedy for a combined 30 years.
Starting point is 00:39:45 I don't blame anyone. Maybe I do. To maybe cover gas. Yeah. Yeah, well, it sucks because you want to have those days be behind you where, like, yeah, you put up with a bunch of bullshit, but you're young and hungry and you hope that it pays off. You still care about the art form. Yeah. You're not mailing it in.
Starting point is 00:40:05 Right. You're not just coming down here to see your secret family. With Tito and Juanita. I'm sorry, T. Yeah, you want it to pay off and then have it be like... Then it's a fun memory because it's not your fucking current life. So yeah, it always sucks to get brought back to the beginnings. To be humbled and reminded who you are.
Starting point is 00:40:29 And that there's just a thin veneer between perception and reality. Right. And you pierce the veil of truth. Yeah, it sucks. I'm used to making 30k a show. I'm used to doing arenas, dude. And dogfights, state fairs. Going down to Tijuana. Where the money is. Yeah, dude, dude, and dog fights, state fairs. Going to Tijuana.
Starting point is 00:40:45 Where the money is. Yeah, dude. Well, and it sucks to... But to be in a backyard and not a front yard, for sure. To definitely be in a backyard performing. Standing on a hay bale. Yeah. Screaming at the mountainside.
Starting point is 00:40:59 The guy who lived in the house where we performed, his tongue kept fucking slapping his chin. It was the eve of his 38th birthday. Yeah, what was he on? Fucking heavy sedatives? I don't know. He told me and Becker that he started his day by tripping acid on the porch, on the balcony. Yeah. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:41:19 That was his morning. So yeah, he's a real explorer of the unconscious. I saw him bite into a Bud Light seltzer can. Like a goat? Yeah, he fucking tied up the tin like a cherry stem and spit out an origami swan. What's thou like to live
Starting point is 00:41:35 deliciously? Ew, what's that? I don't know. What are you talking about? I think I blacked out for a second. You spelled burnt hair? I think I can smell stuff. Wouldst thou like to live
Starting point is 00:41:54 deliciously? It's from The Witch. Did you see that? Yeah, Emily walked out. Black Phillip. Dr. Idiot couldn't take it. Dr. Dumb Shit was like like this movie's at the end or the middle the whole thing when did she walk out i think we walked out like 35 minutes in one before anything cool happened yeah it builds it builds well emily's not one for building god
Starting point is 00:42:18 she just wants the cliff's notes yeah exactly she's wrap it up she's like oh no one's racing cars in this i'm out i gotta go circumcise the kid under duress. Yeah. Under court order. I gotta go suck the blood off a kid's dick. I'm out of here, the witch. Yeah, that movie ruled. Yeah, it pays off.
Starting point is 00:42:38 It's good. I liked Black Phillip's comedy album, Black in the Cell. Goddamn. You're chomping at the bit to get that out there. That's the third time. Third time's a charm is what they say. Nobody hates it the third time around. No, man.
Starting point is 00:42:56 That's when you're really living deliciously. But The Witch was sick. And I was really disappointed in my wife for not having the patience to watch a movie did you stay or did you walk out after her? I was like go wait in the car bitch I threw the keys near the exit, I was like go find him in the dark give me your phone
Starting point is 00:43:16 I don't want you talking to anyone I'll finish this film threw a handful of change get some Starburst put some fucking taffy in that bitch hole. That's what I said to her. So I was like,
Starting point is 00:43:30 shut up. Trying to watch a movie. I was like, bitch, I got some change for you too. Oh, man. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:43:39 Yeah, why don't you go feed the parking meter? Mm-hmm. Yeah, I usually take my wife's phone and lock her in the car.
Starting point is 00:43:46 Did you crack a window? Crack a fart in there. Lock the windows. Say, smell it. Yeah, that's too bad. She needs to watch that. Watch it at home. I was like, let's watch Midsommar. And she's like, watch the trailer.
Starting point is 00:44:02 And she's like, I think there's an episode of Bones I haven't seen Megan's Megan's all about Bones too she's a real bonehead you should get these two to hang out man yeah
Starting point is 00:44:12 leave me alone yeah so we can finally hang out yeah I'm sure our wives definitely feel like we don't see enough of each other
Starting point is 00:44:20 we don't prioritize one another enough oh we some of us are leaving town forever it looks like. Some of us are committing Trinidad treason. It's treason season down south. I like that
Starting point is 00:44:36 you moved to Fort Collins and that doesn't count. Why did I move to Fort Collins? Because you had too many warrants in Denver? Touching your butthole in public the heat was on there's a steady heat emanating from your anus you sell a kilogram of methamphetamine
Starting point is 00:44:53 to one undercover cop at a schoolyard you gotta cut ties with your town so yeah you left my wife got a contract who cares what does it matter I love her. No, I'm saying it doesn't matter why you moved.
Starting point is 00:45:08 You moved up there, so you don't live in Denver. And then I'm thinking about leaving Denver, and you take it very personally when it has nothing to do with you. Your business is my business. And business is bad right now. All right? We're about to have to shutter the windows. You piece of literal shit. Yeah, it's pretty tough to do a podcast
Starting point is 00:45:27 virtually. Oh yeah, they suck. No, they're good. No, they're not. Have you done a Zoom podcast? No. Okay, bingo. Neither have I. I do them all the time. I'm promoting my book, Running the Light, SamTalent.com.
Starting point is 00:45:43 You fucking pigs can't read. They're auditory learners. Yeah, these idiots. They're not multisensory. No, they're fucking, they're fingering their buttholes. That's the name for our fans now. Look, if you want to move to Trinidad, that's fine. Okay, but just know that we can't be friends anymore.
Starting point is 00:46:02 That sounds great. Let's do a couple more episodes of this and then cut ties. I'll see you at the Denver Comedy Reunion in 2050. Alright, cool. I'll be wearing a mask of your face. I'll be shirtless, tattooed on my chest with the word traitor.
Starting point is 00:46:20 I'll be wearing leather pants. You'll be Mark Wahlberg in fear. I'm going to have burgundy shoes on. You did finger me on a roller coaster once, but other than that, we have nothing in common with the movie Fear. Yeah, I fingered you. You were on the roller coaster, and I was like, officer, that's him. Has anyone done that joke? That has to be a joke.
Starting point is 00:46:40 Is that a joke? I don't know. Think about it. You can't think because you're too stupid? Big surprise. I feel... What are you going to do in Trinidad? Be a pig impersonator?
Starting point is 00:46:50 Be the hog daddy? No, I'm going to raise hogs. Raise them right. Yeah. Episcopalian. And then when I slaughter them, they get to go to heaven. Pigs go to heaven, goats go to hell. I remember. Like Cakes said. Yeah. You know, Cakes' drummer, I think, pulled a moil, didn't he? of them they get to go to heaven pigs go to heaven goats go to hell i remember like cake said yeah
Starting point is 00:47:06 you know cake's drummer i think pulled a moil didn't he i think he went down on a baby oh what yeah you would know that i i remember everything and that's that's a fun fact that stays with you yeah i think the drummer for cake like maybe not the guy that went on tour but a like studio maybe like on an album or something. Yeah, I'm pretty sure he got caught blowing a baby. So that sucks. I don't like that, dude. Yeah, but you cross your arms.
Starting point is 00:47:36 That's where I draw the line. I'm pouting. Yeah, hey, I did not create that. I read it, and I'm sharing it. A lot of people pop out of a cake. This kid popped into a cake, remember? That's right. Yeah. So, yeah, it's no good.
Starting point is 00:47:50 Did the kid come? Jesus. The kid came. It's not as bad. He came original. Wait, that's 311. If you're going to left the kid, at least make sure that they get off. Take care of them.
Starting point is 00:48:05 Yeah, right? At least put them through college. Sure, yeah. So you're going to move to Trinidad, and I'll be even more alone. That's the rumor. Yeah, I'm starting. Well, Megan and I figure it's time to move out of Denver because it's just bombarded with people. And it's not really sustainable, don't think you know traffic's
Starting point is 00:48:27 insane and so it would be nice to switch things up but then like any of the smaller like mountain towns are too expensive so we don't have a lot of options we don't have any credit uh my credit score is literally not applicable there's it's not a number it's. You're like a rumor. It's the lack of a number. It's beyond math. It's the opposite of color. It's as if I were a baby born in the woods in Canada and then came down here
Starting point is 00:48:56 no social security number and just lived in the sewers. And then we both and then me and this made up person both have the same credit score yeah it's like
Starting point is 00:49:08 you came here on an asteroid and cracked out of the center of it like it like Pennywise the Clown right I thought you were
Starting point is 00:49:15 talking about Superman no you're not like Superman Superman was a hero Superman was something to uh I'm an anti-hero so it's almost the same thing. Two sides of the same coin. You can't deny that.
Starting point is 00:49:29 I can't deny that. That is solid logic. Good point, man. I got you. Yeah, dude, I'm fucking cooked over here. That's forensics, baby. Call me ramen, because I'm boiled in the pot. I had forensics in high school.
Starting point is 00:49:41 Here we go. Never lie. One day we spent the day watching Wizard of Oz for whether you can see a midget hanging in the background. And you can. Also,
Starting point is 00:49:51 you're not supposed to say the M word. Yeah, wow, dude. An LP. Latino person? No, a little pedophile. He was a monster. That's why he hanged himself.
Starting point is 00:50:03 Los Pinto. He couldn't live with his memories. He stood on a thimble and he said, I'm out of here. He tied that licorice around his rope. Around his neck. Damn it. But yeah, I think you can see...
Starting point is 00:50:17 Start the phone. Scrap it. Give me that blowtorch. Not the Zoom. I think you can see a little bit of a shadow at a certain point. But yeah, that was a good day. I remember that more than other
Starting point is 00:50:31 high school class material. That was a good day. Yeah, it was a solid use of time. When you were investigating if little people hung themselves on the set of Wizard of Id. Thanks, Mr. Flanders. You're definitely dead. I'm going to miss you.
Starting point is 00:50:47 He was old enough when I was in high school. Becker's moving, too. Yeah, we're both going down to Trinidad. We're going to open up an S&M shop called Trinidadis. Yeah. You should call it Sodom and Fedoras and sell hats. We're doing Sodom and Gonorrhea, and we're going gonna either give it to you or cure you of it depending on hey you know no judgment and double the business yeah you don't want to specialize in
Starting point is 00:51:14 one when you're you could open the door to both whether you're a bug chaser or a bug taster we got you i'm worried that uh you're gonna make new friends down there you're not gonna need me there's nobody down there there's like 16 people that live down there so i're going to make new friends down there. You're not going to need me anymore. There's nobody down there. There's like 16 people that live down there. So I'm going to be calling you and texting you all the time. Yeah, I miss you. I blew it. This was a dumb idea. You were right.
Starting point is 00:51:32 You're always right. Why don't I listen to you more? I like the idea of Fort Collins without all of the college kids. So that does sound like paradise. But what? I could get Megan a job at the vet. Yeah. I could. Okay. job at the vet. Yeah. I could.
Starting point is 00:51:46 Okay. Caleb, one of Emily's residency classmates, his wife's a veterinarian in Wellington. We take Gordy up there to get him his steroid shots. Oh, that's why he's so angry all the time. He's jacked. Yeah, he's pissed. He's doing a strong dog competition.
Starting point is 00:52:00 Yeah, I don't know. I could get you coverage from the veterinarian. She could give you your shots, too. Check your joints. Yeah, I like that your. I could get you coverage from the veterinarian. She could give you your shots, too. Check your joints. Yeah, I like that your plan is that me and Megan should just follow you and your wife around, depending on where her work takes her. Bend to my will. No thanks.
Starting point is 00:52:15 I'm the puppeteer. Be the puppet for Daddy. Will to my bend. You sit on my knee. I'll drink the water. You sing the song. Okay, yeah. Yeah. Look, I know you have this whole, this idea of having your own life and your own free will. Starting over.
Starting point is 00:52:32 But as far as I'm concerned, you're a creation of my reality. When I'm not around, you don't exist, you know? I'm older than you. I came before you, and I'll be here long after you're gone. You came before me because you put your finger in your eye. If you've got to jerk it in a hurry, I've got a way that you can fast forward that scene. I've never had to jerk it in a hurry. They're closing in!
Starting point is 00:52:57 They've got to close out. They've breached the perimeter! The snipers have taken the hill! That's right, yeah. Before we forget, please help us grow this podcast, you chubby chasers. We want more Minutemen for the chubby chaser army. So like, rate, subscribe, spread the word, tell your friends. Yeah, threaten someone.
Starting point is 00:53:21 Yeah, write a note on a piece of paper, attach it to a brick, throw that brick through the window of a pharmacy, and hopefully we'll get some... Pills. Hopefully I'll be able to get something for this gal. Yeah, but please tell everyone you know. I mean, we're trying to fucking get rich. everyone you know. I mean, we're trying to fucking,
Starting point is 00:53:42 you know, get rich. We want to be able to make a bunch of money with a podcast that we put really the minimum amount of work into. I'm working real hard
Starting point is 00:53:51 in the yard. Oh yeah, I forgot. Yeah, there it is. Yeah. Rhyming again. Tell a friend.
Starting point is 00:53:57 My story, my story. Here I go again. This is a cry for wealth. Yeah, but no, dude, please please like subscribe just uh venmo sam talent a thousand dollars that's fine too that's half of my rate so that's a deal yeah what do you get multiply it by two you get two grand i get 2k a pop whoa you, man. Well, soda outside of the Midwest. But yeah, $2,000 a soda. Anyway, yeah, tell your dumb friends if they want to spend an hour or so with two of the fucking closest of frenemies you'll ever meet.
Starting point is 00:54:37 Yeah, until one of them moved. All right. Let's just fight. Let's have the next episode be us fighting in a gravel pit. What if we did a fight challenge? Oh yeah, I forgot. We didn't talk about any challenges. Oh God, here we go.
Starting point is 00:54:51 Yeah, last night we got in at like 9 o'clock and Lund immediately got in bed. He just fucking Uncle Charlie'd. Grandpa Charlie'd. Charlie is the kid. Grandpa Joe? Grandpa Grandpa Joe there it is Old stanky leg Joe Him and Becker were head to toe wearing their sleeping caps
Starting point is 00:55:12 Literally I came in And like saw my room and you were shirtless And in bed in your undies right away I wasn't shirtless cause this AC is Rockin My nips were hard so I had to cover them up Be modest I didn't wantless because this AC is rocking. My nips were hard, so I had to cover them up. Yeah, be modest. I didn't want you to be rock hard before we went to bed.
Starting point is 00:55:30 Your nips were covered. You're not good at sleeping on your back, so I wanted to make sure that you weren't aroused. I don't. I drowned in my own juices. I can't. Every bed you've ever been in is a water bed. It sucks, man. I mean, I had COVID.
Starting point is 00:55:44 Sorry, I have COVID. I thought that was a wet cough. you've ever been in is a waterbed it sucks man i mean you know i had covid sorry i have covid i thought that was a wet cough i thought it was diarrhea that's why i can't touch my butthole because it'll open the floodgates oh my god i come out of both holes stop please brown and white it looks like my coffee which you made fun of me for putting milk in because i'm a quote baby anyway grow up shut up put the bottle down i would fuck you up there's no way i would destroy you now you would try and shoot on an all-state wrestler i would start crying because you'd be bleeding out of your ears i'd be like this man used to be my friend. And I like that I produced him too.
Starting point is 00:56:26 I like that you wrestled in high school 15 years ago and you think it's going to help you now? Oh, for sure. No way. Yeah, you've never been on the mat with another man. I watch Raw, SmackDown, and NXT. Cool. And you're saying that you would shut me down?
Starting point is 00:56:40 Well, I'm not going to sell for your pussy. I've watched UFC since Ken Shamrock and that Canadian guy. Ken John? No. That was a mismatch, wasn't it? That was a rough fight. Back when the UFC would book matchups based on name similarities.
Starting point is 00:56:58 Ken Shamrock versus Ken Tremendous. Where you at? Frank Shamrock versus Frank Stallone. There were a lot of weird fights on those cards. You keep listing fake fights, I'm going to keep spinning in this chair like a boss. Yeah, that's a decision. What's this? Found these on that revolution.
Starting point is 00:57:13 Double bird. Two fingers. One owl, one hawk. Double bird, one stone. No, but guys... Seriously, guys, listen to this show. So, no, we were talking about challenges last night
Starting point is 00:57:26 remember oh yeah I thought we were wrapping it up but we're moving on anyway me and Len are going to start doing some
Starting point is 00:57:31 challenges if you have a fun how about this let's put it to the people what challenges should we do on the pod
Starting point is 00:57:38 like who can eat more pork products in a day yeah not pushups nothing physical more we need mental tasks yeah we need pork products in a day. Yeah, not push-ups. Nothing physical. We need... Mental tasks. Yeah, we need things
Starting point is 00:57:51 that will test the limits of our mental capacities. Who can do math fastest? Two times two. Four. You're going to ask the questions and answer the questions. How about periodic table challenge? Because I remember a lot of that shit. My campus one.
Starting point is 00:58:06 Zinc. PB. Zinc. Lead. I just said PB. I said lead first. What are you talking? Oh, you're just naming them.
Starting point is 00:58:14 Yeah. Oh, my God. I was going with the symbols. Oh, cool. Carbon. C. C. SeƱor.
Starting point is 00:58:20 Copper. CU. CU in hell. Cobalt. Yeah, that'sU. C-U in hell. Cobalt. Yeah, that's one. C-B-O. C-B is not one. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:58:30 M-G, Magnet. C-B is a radio. Hey, so our first sponsor is The Vail Comedy Show. There's a free online comedy show coming at you Thursday, September 17th at 5.30 p.m. Mountain Time. Folks can get their free tickets by going to veilcomedyshow.com. This is a wonderful lineup. Some of my favorites, Adam Cadenholland, Brant Tobler, David Rodriguez, Stephen A.J., Christy Bukley, Dee Kelly, Jordan Dahl, and Nora Lynch all coming at you Thursday, September 17th, hosted by Mark Masters.
Starting point is 00:59:07 Again, you can get your tickets at VailComedyShow.com. And also there's a great poster that was made by Jeff Tice, and you can buy that at VailComedyShow.com. And if you use the discount code CHUBBY, you'll get $5 off. So be sure to check out that show coming at you thursday

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