Chubby Behemoth - Soggy Bodom Boys

Episode Date: January 6, 2021

Truth or Nair. Nothing But Ham. For The Irish.   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth.   Extra Episodes at https://www.Patreon.com/chubbybehemoth

yeah what what happened i i think i had a mini stroke the doctors think i had a mini stroke over the weekend you had a fucking dr dre did he have a mini stroke he had an aneurysm i don't even want to joke but that's the first thing i thought of i read about it like an hour ago. Damn. I didn't know that. Shit. I hope he's okay. He is. Yeah, he's stable. He's in the ICU. I heard he has a pen and a pad in there.

His wife and he are getting a divorce. And she wants, I think, i'm pretty sure that i read she's asking for two million dollars a day in whatever like support and then uh her lawyer fees are like four million so i think that's i think that's the cause of the fucking aneurysm oh for sure this is why we need men's rights activists to go to war for guys like doctors ray I think that's the cause of the fucking aneurysm. Oh, for sure. This is why we need men's rights activists to go to war for guys like Dr. Dre. You know, Alec Baldwin. We need to defend people's rights to be divorced in this country.

We need Johnny Cochran back. We need Robert Kardashian back. Yeah, we need OJ back. OJ should get out there and settle the score. Give OJ 10 minutes alone with Dr. Dre's wife. See how much she wants after that. I think we

listened to Compton on the road together, didn't we? I feel like I only heard it once, and it was on the road. And it was really good. It's the only time you've heard dr dray's music no no the album compton i don't know if it was the straight it wasn't a straight out of compton soundtrack it was an album that came out i think right around when the movie came out and it was sick it was really good we listened to come town on the road and you said this rules

and they were they were doing a black voice on there, so I understand why you were confused. There was a Dr. Mario character that was part Dr. Dre part. Yeah, it was African guy tries to buy a pumpkin, and you were like, this is cutting edge humor right here. Yeah, so I don't know. Let's pray for Dre. You know, prayers up for the dog himself.

Let's pray for Dr. Jake. Yeah. Don't pray. That seems weird. I don't pray. I'm more of a thinker than a prayer. So it's thoughts and prayers from me. It's thoughts and more thoughts. Nice. it's thoughts and more thoughts nice it's

thoughts and nair he's gonna fucking shave his body with wax dude i nared i nared my ass in college thinking that i had you know stumbled upon a new me and uh it just comes back with a vengeance. It was a mistake. It's seeking revenge on your skin for ostracizing it, for casting it out. I've only nared my chest hair one time, and that was just on a dare. I would rather have been sued for $2 million a day by my wife. Truth or nare? You were like, I'll take nair uh nair please i'm a nair do well uh are you tapped in one are you good

it's god it's just it's an old this is i think this one i got a computer from nora lynch and it was a few years old when she gave it to me, and that was a few years ago. And I can't remember if that's this one. I have two old laptops, and they both kind of work. One's from John Carroll, so. I wish. I would have had him sign it, Norm.

If that one's from Nora, I wish I would have had, I would have had him sign it. Norm. Yeah. That, that, that one's from Nora. That means that's the one that she probably had in the spin city writer's room. She wrote, she,

she wrote an Emmy nominated episode of Mr. Belvedere on this thing. Yeah. It's still hanging on. He wrote all the dialogue for the Mr. Bean movie. And, uh,

it's, it's, it's where the keys don't work. It's just the power cord. And since Apple does a new little updated power cord every six months, this one is, I guess, like hard to find. I can't remember. It's kind of expensive or something. I looked into it a while back.

This is like a gear podcast. We pretty much just talk about different gear and specs. And, you know, we're each building processors for our computers. So we can play Duke Nukem 3D. Oh, yeah, Duke. That was a fun one. I played that. I played Doom.

I liked Castle Wolfenstein on the PC. I figured you'd be a Myst guy. I see you getting really furious at Myst and throwing a desktop computer through a dorm window. No, I never played Myst. We played Counter-strike in college sure

yeah and my my roommate ricky played diablo instead of making friends so that was graduating from college he was dating so when we were freshmen in college we lived together we were friends in high school he was dating this mormon girl who was still in high school so he went up to college with a mormon girlfriend promised her that he wouldn't drink and then you know was miserable and it was rough and then the day that he ended things with her i think it wasn't until like sophomore year but he came over and he was like give me a fucking shot i was like oh hell yeah r Ricky's back, y'all. And then he fingered you.

Yeah, and I led him. And my butthole was as tight as that Mormon girl's vag. Oh, I bet. Unsullied. Unsolved butthole mysteries. Hold on. Your sister's texting me. Oh, good.

What's she saying? This baby's yours. It smells just like you. Oh, good. What's she saying? This baby's yours. It smells just like you. She's saying... She was saying that it's been five days, and it's... She said our apartment

is empty as hell, and I said, just like your heart without me. And, yeah. She said it's been tough. it's been a struggle 2021 has not been kind to her so far because she looks she looks across the way and there's no fun neighbor there's no wilson peeking over the fence giving advice yeah you were peeking too i know about you mr peeps over there. Little eyeful of my sister's yams.

That's crazy because Kim just texted me too and it's a picture and the caption says, which one's bigger? I can't tell. But either way, I'm glad our sisters are reaching out to us. Dude, you can have my sister. She's been nothing but a weight around my neck for years. Oh, I had her. That is so bad.

Golly. So I've been eating nothing but ham. I've been eating nothing but ham since Christmas Day. And it's a lot to ask of a man and a mouth. God, this ham was supposed to be so cool, and it was. I don't know if everyone knows. I got a Serrano ham for Christmas, an entire 13-pound pork leg, and you got to eat it within two weeks once you crack the rancid fat.

And I cracked that rancid fat, and now I'm just going at it, dude. I'm like a dog with a bone oh do you do you have to slice it real thin or is that just the best way to do it i mean if you want to eat it you can but if you're uh you know trying to make shoes or fix your your roof tiles you can just slice it real thick the issue is is that if you don't slice it thin enough, you can't really chew it or digest it. It just becomes like a gray mass in your mouth due to all the fibrous fat tissue. So you got to slice it real thin, let it melt like one of those breathe right breath strips that you put on your tongue and then you can make out with the vice principal. And yeah, so I don't know, dude, I put it in some soup today but i gotta get rid of this ham

i like that i like that you combined the breathe right nasal strips with a breath strip yeah i didn't know uh you yeah you probably eat you've probably eaten a couple of those breathe right strips like my breath still smells like shit my mouth tastes like a nose why does this why does this taste like boogers and not mint well don't get me one time i had a crest white power strip and i chewed on a uh an outlet and that was really bad you know I don't know I thought I was drinking a can of surge it was actually a surge protector

and I burned my tongue really bad I was grounded my mom grounded me I drank a surge My mom grounded me. I drank a Surge Tancanian one time, and now I can sing very operatic and also growl. So that was a system of a down joke, I think. I'm not sure.

Yeah, you nailed it. Is that his name? I was thinking of Jerry Tarkanian, because those are the only two Armenians that I know. Yeah, it's funny to imagine them. They're related. Father and son. Yeah.

Write that screenplay. Serge rocking a Running Rebels jersey on stage. Grandma and Mom's coming over for dinner. I didn't know who everybody was talking about when they were saying the lead singer of Children of Bottom died. He had an interesting name as well. Alexi something? Do you know?

You're a child of Bottom. You're a bottom boy. I am not. I'm a big Children of Bodom fan, though. I don't know what you're talking about. I'm more of a Children of Top. Power Top. No, you sent me that message the other day,

and then I sent it to Chris Pierce, and he replied with a Mudvayne gif, so I really don't know what's going on. I'm not sure who's alive and who's dead. Oh, yeah, I haven't. I never listened to them. I'm sure they're great. You should get their first album started from the bottom. It's pretty good. It's got a lot of early B sides and whatnot. But yeah, you guys got any ham

recipes? The issue is this thing's encased in a thick layer of rancid yellow fat. Uh, and I didn't know that you were supposed to cut that fat off initially. Oh no. Yeah. So I had diarrhea screaming into the new year. What? Yeah.

It was like running down my legs when I was walking Gordy. Cause I thought that I didn't, wasn't cutting enough of the layer off. I thought I'd cut a nut off, but no, I had not. And I just ingested a bunch of poisonous fat. That's how I started my new year. New year, same old Sam.

Yeah, same old rascal moves. That stuff's all I ate when I was in Spain. Rancid fat? No, the good meat meat they knew how to serve it to me there uh yeah but manchego you get some soft manchego and some like nice uh you know baguette and just press that fucking meat in and melt it with the cheese and the greasiness kind of breaks it down to where it's a little bit easier to chew and it didn't mess my stomach up as bad and there was one place that was cranking it and cooking it making chorizo with it and that shit was the best meat i've ever had it was what was the name of that place i remember where the restaurant is i could go find it barcelona i ate two sandwiches

there every night when all the 40 year old men i went with went to sleep they'd be like are you gonna go again i'd be like yeah they'd always act like they were gonna come with me and at the end of the night like i'm too high you go have fun getting sandwiches young man you went to spain and had the spanish equivalent of jimmy john's every night while you were hanging out with 40 year old men the sandwich the the boqueria had been there since like the late 1800s. It was amazing. It was amazing. No. Subwa, as you thought it was pronounced. I have a picture of me eating it in the rain,

and it's like the happiest picture of my face I've ever seen. And I'm just eating a sandwich out of a tinfoil wrapper in the rain. That sounds so romantic. It was, all alone. Beautiful. Why were you in Spain with a bunch of 40-year-old men? They have the biggest marijuana seed sale of the year. Every year in Barcelona, it's called Spanibus.

And I used to work for some pretty big growers. So I'd go with them to buy seeds and stuff. All that weed that me and my mom grow is Spanish seeds. I was there for Spam Abyss. Ooh. Yeah, that was cool. Just a bunch of potted meats, and you eat them until you have a complete existential crisis. Nice.

Yeah, the Spam Abyss. I used to think that I would – I would i remember sam when you mentioned a doctor making you feel stupid your wife got me pretty good a few years ago because we were talking about i think how i was eating and it might have even been more than a few years ago because i might have still been drinking and so i was just saying how unhealthy I was. And then I was like, yeah, but I drink a lot of water. That's my big thing is that I drink a lot of water, don't really drink any soda.

I eat a lot of sugar, but not through soda. I almost only drink water. And she was like, that doesn't matter. That's not enough. That's nothing. It'd be better if you were chewing the food that had sugar in it instead you're just guzzling it yeah it was uh it was not great i was i thought that that was my ace in the hole where it was like yeah but i drink a bunch of water so i'll be fine you know that was

your no that was your ace freely i've had a bunch of mini muffins and a bunch of mini strokes, and I haven't been able to get a grip since Aerosmith's album came out. With the calories. A.A.Craft. Well, I mean, I'm dumb, too. I mean, Emily, I've been drinking smoothies, you know, to try and counteract the effects of the ham. The hams were in the water.

The ham in the smoothie, ham and strawberry and banana. I gotta do something. I gotta start liquefying it and feeding it to Gordy. Cause it's way too much ham. Yeah. He doesn't have any teeth. I don't know what I'm going to do with. I got to start liquefying it and feeding it to Gordy because it's way too much ham. Yeah, he doesn't have any teeth. I don't know what I'm going to do with all this ham. Anyway, that's not the point.

The point is, I told Emily, I was like, I feel like bad. I feel like I'm coming down from something. She was like, what did you have for lunch? I was like, a bunch of blueberries and an apple and an orange and strawberries and blackberries and a banana.

And I put it all in the blender and smoothed it out with some orange juice. And I feel terrible. And she was like, well, yeah, what have you used? Ate a bunch of sugar. And I was like, it's fruit, stupid. What are you talking about? Earth to idiot. I ate a bunch of fruit is what I did.

And she's like, yeah, but you think about how much fruit you had. It's all sugar. And I was like, but there's fiber in there. She's like, yeah, but think about how much fruit you had. It's all sugar. I was like, but there's fiber in there. You don't know what you're talking about. I looked up the glycemic index of what I ate and it was the equivalent of eating three Cinnabons. 40 mini muffins.

He set a new record. I odolated. I beckered. I set a new record. I odolayed. I beckered. I thought I was allergic to fruit for a while. I thought my body was rejecting the fruit because it's a ham-based life form now.

I'm fueled by ham. The ham culture in your gut just wants more ham. Yeah, the ham unionized my gut flora and had it fight back against the fruit that came in unwanted you have you know i have fauna in your stomach because the ham is sentient and it's trying to climb back out and join the world can you not slice it all off and freeze it you can do that but it's really labor intensive to get these slices i mean when we were up here on new year's david and mel were here and we were just sitting around the ham

for like two and a half hours as people tried to perfect the the craft of the blade and of course david cut his tongue somehow from tasting the knife uh ham. Which hand was holding the knife and which one had the ham? Yeah, which one's sharp and which one's salty. Mel, of course, accused the ham of making a move on my sister. It was a whole scene. Quit looking at my girl, ham. Ham's going to be the end of your whole bloodline yeah it's gonna it's gonna take us down dude there's three different zones on the ham in case anyone was wondering and i think my favorite's

the punta the points yeah the bottom of it that's where all the fat goes yeah where did you get the ham from uh we got it off the dark web. It costs seven and a half Ethereum. Luckily, my dad had Nexus. I don't know where I got it. My mom and dad got it for me as a Christmas present, and I didn't ask any questions. But they got me the ham gondola.

They got me the blade. It's great. Yeah, we tried to get one back from Spain, but it was going to be like seven grand. Yep. Whoa, what? Well, that was probably an Iberico. This is a Serrano but it was going to be like seven grand. Yep. Whoa, what? Well, that was probably an Iberico. This is a Serrano.

I know it didn't cost seven grand. My mom would never pay too much for a ham. Yeah. Is it? It's not cooked, right? It's like smoked and cured. I don't know. I don't think this one's smoked.

It's just cured. It's hung upside down in the dark and invites an ecosystem of different molds and funguses to grow on it, and then you shave that off, and you make ham salad, and your wife yells at you because there's too much soy sauce in there. Why do you need soy sauce in a ham salad? It's salty enough. It's defined by how salty it is. I thought I was going to do a little East meets West.

No. Totally biffed it. You thought a cured ham needed more salt on it. Yeah, I did. And then she was like, get a grip. Half my face was melting and I couldn't talk.

She was like, get a grip, you know, and half my face was melting and I couldn't talk. So you got Bell's palsy now. Yeah. Oof. Here's the deal. We are recording this. By the way, we took two weeks off during Christmas because Becker had a stroke or whatever. Let's blame it on Becker.

Yeah, it's my fault. Yeah. No, we just had different stuff. Emily killed a kid at work, and Lund got in an argument with a garbage can. That's my house. Oh, duh. So Lund did move to Trinidad, though. Yeah, a lot of people, I think, thought that it was a bit it was not what a great

i'm down here now it's pretty good i wish uh wish i could get the internet at my house but not yet i'm next in line i guess the mayor has to come and give me a certificate of internet authenticity. They are very serious about piracy down here. And so there's a vetting process. And yeah, tomorrow's the big day. He's going to cut the ribbon on this old laptop. You have to scare enough geese out of the park so they can give you your internet it is funny that you move down there and then you don't have the internet

i found nothing but humor in that situation yeah like oh i'm moving down to the country i gotta get away from the big city you get down there you don't have the internet uh you have to trade in your car for a horse all of a sudden you have seven wives it's just ridiculous there's only 10 people that get to have the internet each year and so there's a lottery there's a background check and uh yeah because we were new to town i think we got a couple extra balls in the uh lottery you know like a like a bad nba team you get a couple extra balls and so we lucked out no it's xfinity sucks and down here there's even less former meth heads that work for xfinity and so it's taking a while for one of them to find his pants

so that he can come shake the 5G tower. We're going to be the only podcast sponsored by the library because that's where you're going to be, just cranking out apps while you jerk off in the stacks. Stacks. Like the rest. Stacks? Yeah, but it's so tiny. Oh, I know.

Lund's hog? He doesn't need stacks. Stacks on stacks. All Lund needs is a copy of Superman to jerk off behind. Closed and sealed on the desk. Microthumb peen. closed and sealed on the desk. Micro thumb peen. So, Lun, walk us through what it's like to live down there in the Wild West

on the cutting edge of madness. I mean, we haven't done a lot. There's not a lot to do. No. Which is part of the reason we move down here. We don't done a lot. There's not a lot to do. No. Which is part of the reason we moved down here. We don't need an electric nightlife. We weren't hitting the church in Denver before moving down here.

No, but you were sending firebombs to the mosque, and I'm glad you got away. Less is more. And down here, that's very true. There's not a lot. And yeah, I mean, if we had the internet, it would be great because we really just want to walk our dogs and not run into 900 people everywhere we turn. And that is not the case here. There's like nobody you know there's there's the

the couple of random like vagabonds that are just kind of roaming around and i've heard one of one of them was screaming at traffic the other day and i was like all right i gotta meet him eventually hopefully when the sun is up so that i can see see his hands and so there's a few of those. There's definitely some strangers with stories that they don't want to be told. And I'm interested to see who the real characters are.

But yeah, we haven't done much down here. We've gotten some food from a couple places. A lot of it's not very good. And yeah, we went to Walmart today. Oh, yeah. So we went to Walmart because there's a Walmart and a Safeway. Those are your options for produce or supplies.

I've been to that Walmart. It's down south. Yeah. So we go to the Walmart. yeah so we go to the walmart and uh when we went when we were waiting in line to to check out the couple in front of us were in their 50s probably the the it was a guy and a lady this is not a gay couple in trinidad i should clarify so it's a straight couple and they both have guns on their hips and then the woman was not wearing a mask. And she was wearing a shirt that had a flag on it.

I think it was a thin blue line flag. And I couldn't read the back of her shirt because her mullet was in the way of some of the text. But it was something like, blessed to be protected by the boys in blue or some horse shit and i wanted to tell her hey maybe sell sell your gun so you can buy some masks you know i wanted to come up with something witty and then i was like they they would just they could shoot me if they don't shoot me they could they could threaten me with their guns and then win the argument so i didn't it was weird though because their guns were wearing masks that was what was strange about the whole thing and they didn't want to

blow a hole they wanted to keep the gun safe well you know what you should do in that situation is make friends these are your neighbors these are the people you're going to be buried next to so get to know them find some common ground you know when in doubt in that situation bring up stone cold steve austin i wish i would have known that there was a new chevelle album coming out we could have started there hey you guys you guys hear about new chevelle send the pain above it's a it's the religious album yeah there was like a rumor that they were a Christian band and they are not. But that was kind of funny when I heard that a few years ago. I was like, oh, I got to stop listening to Chevelle. But no, it turns out they're cool.

Well, I mean, I don't know. It doesn't sound that bad. I just imagine everyone in Trinidad. There's you, there's Jay Gillespie, there's Wally Wallace. and then there's just a bunch of people leaning against fences eating apples with knives that's who i assume the main clientele down there is and i'm glad you're bringing some uh some culture to these uh you know unwashed pigs well yeah jay said uh jay said he hasn't gotten any shit from anybody. There are a lot of big old trucks. I don't think there's a ton of shit kickers down here,

but there are a lot of wannabes in giant trucks. And so that's been annoying. I have a little Impreza that's going to get run off the road for sure sooner or later. But Jay said he hasn't gotten a lot of shit from people. I think most of the people down here keep to themselves. And there were Trump signs in yards, but not everywhere. So I feel like there's a decent mix of people. And so, yeah, I'm hoping that I don't get curb stomped for at least a few years. I think that just half of it is people who

voted for Trump. And then half of it is people who aren't allowed to vote because of felony child porn possession. So you're right there in the middle of it and it's just it's funny to me that you were like i need to get away from the city because everyone's crazy and then you move down there where the mayor is a bleached cow skull it's just such a uh different you know it's such extremes yeah well i'm not a middle of the middle of the road kind of guy like you who plays all sides and doesn't commit I like to live on the margins

you are right in the middle of the road saying there's a lot of good people on both sides of every argument you're like yeah I don't know abortion is kind of murder if you think about it and I was like okay yeah I need to get away

from you only in the case of white babies um less is more i'm glad all these comics are having kids that's a good idea you don't have any money and who nobody knows when your one skill is gonna be uh you know back in action and people are oh, I should probably have a kid. Who's having kids? Every other comic. Like, there's a few where it's fine. Like Adam, Kate, and Holland, yeah, have a second kid. You know, your dad is a lawyer and you sold a show.

You're going to be okay. But there's a lot of comics. There's a lot of comics that i don't know i just i feel like it's insane that they knocked up somebody or got knocked up and they're just like yeah we're gonna figure it out worst comes to worst we'll sell it on the dark web i don't even understand it but god bless them because we're gonna need comics in in the future. That's for sure. We're going to need the kids of comics in the future to entertain those bleached cow skulls on the side of the road.

Yeah, we need baby clowns. That's what's going to save this country. People whose parents were never responsible for anything. They're going to know how to bootstrap themselves. Maybe the kids of comics are the ones that come out and you know uh pat and oswald had that joke about how if you're if your parents suck then you are cool but if your parents are cool then that your kid you know the kids of cool parents end up sucking because their rebellion is not to like start a band or you know you know paint with their period blood

it's you're talking about the children of the children of bodum that's if you yeah if your parents listen to system of a down you rebel by becoming a systems analyst right my name is my name is adam kate and holland let me introduce you to my parents this is my father uh he's an attorney this is my mother she's married to an attorney guy trying to make his mom feel better about not doing anything. I'm sure she did something. Yeah. I can't think of what it was, but she did.

She was the Denver County Dumpling Eating Champion 2018. She invented a paper clip that can't poke you in the leg if you have it in your pocket. I think she's also a lawyer or something. She could be a dog lawyer. Pet attorney.

Attorney at Claw. Hey, I don't feel good about it either. I loved it. I was trying to come up with a noise but i had to burp at the same time so that's where i was going to throw up i'm yeah i'm scared because my uh i've talked about my dad's parents they both had like three strokes each and my dad's dad was he had his leg part of his leg amputated my dad's mom

like couldn't use the right side of her body for like 20 years just a forced lefty at at 55 or whatever i'm just uh yeah i'm just waiting for my brain to explode just fireworks in my head in my in my cerebellum all of a sudden i can't remember what my wife's name is that sounds fun it's it's uh what is it oh no just keels over just stroke joking yeah no i i understand lund i think that you're probably healthier and have less stress than those people i'm not filled with rage at everyone around me yeah not a specific rage at least that's good yeah whoa nice i got that out who opened a can of coleslaw

i got bean dad over here teaching his kid lesson are you and wally gonna film a buddy comedy thing oh who knows wally has all kinds of schemes half cook time he is megan told me a couple days ago that wally hit her up and said hey i was thinking what if we do three way what if we did a zoom call me linda i didn't get it i I said three-way. Three-way. Yeah, he's saving. I think he's saving that now that we're down here. It's an Easter idea. No, he hit up Megan and said,

hey, what if we had a Zoom call where everybody wished Nathan well? And what if we had somebody burst into your house and wrestle him for the title and she was like what the fuck are you talking about i couldn't believe it i thought that it was crazy enough that he just started posting about some some match that i hadn't agreed to yet. But no, he had more of a plan that I wasn't privy to. He was trying to take over the territory.

Knowing me, how angry do you think I would have been if Wally ran that idea by me? And I was like, and guess what I said? for it that's a great idea you said you said hit up adam fedusky and tell him that tell him lunn's address i said wally what a lovely gesture i'm sure he would love that go for it

What a lovely gesture. I'm sure he would love that. Go for it. If there's one thing that might... You would have hated it so much. If there's one... This is you. You were like, if there's one thing that my best friend Nathan London enjoys,

it's being surprised and having someone break into his house during a pandemic and being forced to wrestle in a real wrestling match oh man i'll tell you what dude yeah he ran that by me and i told him it was the greatest idea i've ever heard no i actually told him to hit up creech because i didn't want to tell him he was a moron i told him i was like uh you know maybe the zoom thing is good but you're gonna want to talk to creech about that and he was like interesting i'll take that into uh account damn yeah no dude i'm so glad that you you got tipped off to what he was plotting well it was just yeah it was on i

think it was on the drive down here megan like remembered that that, because it was, that was like three weeks ago. Yeah. And then she didn't hear from him. And so he probably forgot. He comes up with a lot of stuff. And then I think then he has a mini stroke and his brain forgets half of what he was doing. So thanks mini stroke. Cause oh my God, I don't even know what i would have done like

i would have been so mad and then i try to think like who would it have been you know who would have busted in noah reynolds and i just kick his ass exactly yes it would have been funny too because it would have been on the zoom so we all been watching as you tell michael isaacs to get the fuck out of your house michael i'm gonna count to three you better be out of my fucking house i just grab a hammer yeah oh man Oh, man. Creech puts on the Stone Cold music. Creech is holding up a boombox as DX plays Nasty Boy. We also had, I mean, you know, Megan got ahead of packing,

so there would have been, like, just boxes everywhere. Yeah. And then somebody but you know zeke herrera busts in and breaks a bunch of our shit grabs me picks me up over his head yeah you don't have a mask on because you're in your living room in your underwear dude well yeah i'd probably be a porky pig in it top Top is no bottoms. Yeah, man. One of the worst ideas in the history of brains working. This was one of the worst ideas to ever occur.

In the history of higher thought and object permanence. All-timer. Yeah, I've said it. I do love Wally. And so that has helped. It helps me deal with some of his brain.

And I told him I liked, like, I would have enjoyed trying to figure out something if there weren't this pandemic preventing anything, you know, really from being able to happen except for a Zoom call. And that's what I did. I had like three Zoom calls and got to talk to a few people. And it was nice. I don't like thinking about it because it sucks. I wish I could have done all of the shows, you know,

had the farewell tour and done a bunch of shows, made some money, and I would have been able to done a bunch of shows made some money and i would have been able to see a bunch of people uh a few people at a time that would have been great but i didn't get any of that and uh so yeah it would have sucked to have tried to do some weird half half fun thing because it wouldn't it would have been more stressful than anything i wanted to i wanted to hang out at the park and that ended up being too stressful. Yeah, but imagine even worse. You're sitting in your living room.

Piper Shepard swings through your window on a rope wearing a mask and says, Falls count anywhere. Unbeknownst to you, Grayson and roger stafford are in your drawers and you go to bed and you go to put your sleeping underwear on and they pop out with the doomsday device oh man yeah truly a terrible idea yeah that was pretty wild oh man it was funny to hear that on the way down here just be like oh okay well god thank goodness he wally came up with some other half-cocked idea

to have some kind of haunted house here in Trinidad in October. To bring the monorail through. It's funny that your crew now is Wally and Jay Gillespie. Oh, hell yeah. Jay helped me move in. Jay and Ron Ferguson. No, listen to this. Listen to this.

So, you know, Megan and I looked at U-Haul to try to rent a moving truck, and it was very expensive. And then I remembered, oh, Ron Ferguson has a moving company. I didn't know that. Motorcycle comedian Ron Ferguson has a moving company. Yeah, so I thought, okay, I'll hit him up. To all the listeners, he is a motorcycle comedian. Half motorcycle, half comedian.

Yeah, so I hit him up i said hey uh do you still have a moving company he was like yeah i said okay so i i'm moving to trinidad and i looked up you know u-hauls and they were very expensive i was wondering if maybe you would be able to help me out and he said how are you paying ass gas or grass he tried to sell me a couple of jokes yeah and i was like i just need uh i just need a little bit of help moving i didn't want to i didn't want him to think that i needed two movers to move all to load the truck and unload the truck i didn't need like full service because again i'm trying to save money so i was like i really just need uh one person to like drive the truck down there and megan and i can load and unload like trying to make it easier whatever he was like yeah i think we could do that you know we figure out uh january 1st you

know uh i was hoping for eight or nine in the morning he was like i think we could probably do 10 i was like fine i get a call from him at like 8 50 in the morning and he was like hey the guy that was gonna do this uh party too hard last night so i'm gonna i'm on my way i said cool there's cones out front so uh for the truck and he was like where's the truck and i was like what are you talking about he was like where is your moving truck oh my god aren't you driving it and he said no i thought you just needed someone to load and unload or no i thought you needed somebody to drive a moving truck down to trinidad jesus fucking so yeah uh it was pretty perfect it was kind of a wally wally kind of a situation wally ferguson i couldn't understand how how where did we go wrong what happened what did i what did i do which one of us had the stroke

and when my first thought was oh god megan is gonna kill me right because just another time where i i i i have to do a very small thing she's done like most of the you know most almost all of the packing and i was you know showing people the leg lamp from a Christmas story for three weeks. And she was like doing all of literally the heavy lifting. And then I'm, I'm supposed to get the truck and yeah, the guy with the moving company thought that I didn't go through U-Haul, but found another moving company and rented a truck from them and then just needed a professional moving truck driver

so what happened uh so he went he had to go to his house to get the keys to the warehouse where the truck was and then go get the truck and then bring it so we were just we got you know we were a couple hours behind schedule and i mean not a huge new year's Day, right? New Year's Day, yeah. Ron, the night before, probably headlined in like Eli, Nevada, or Las Cruces, New Mexico. Yeah, or he was in Sturgis. Right, yeah. Maybe he was pounding that lady who has that super hot daughter. I don't know well i know that his uh lady friend's daughter she's got him this is just in she have a bunch of followers on instagram did she follow you uh we did dude okay this is great Do you remember Pappy's Little Piss Bucket?

Not really. I remember the name. Oh, my God. You don't? Okay. It was a student film. Not even a student film. It was a passion project that Nick Gossert made before Lutru Libre and Laughs.

It was about a family. Before his one good idea, he had a bunch of bad ones. Exactly. Before his one good thing he's done for anyone uh his one contribution to the zeitgeist so it was about a family of like demented hillbillies i was the father kyle buffkin was my retarded son and that's literally what he was in the script that was the name of him in the script so i'm not even king style yeah exactly he's saying it uh gossard with his killer social commentary yeah he's taking the power back and a little girl uh who undetermined in age could be 12 could be 25 we're not sure

she somehow is uh kidnapped by this family of rednecks and we sequester her in the bottom of an outhouse that in the bottom of an outhouse yeah she was the children of the outhouse and uh and then we take turns dumping on her after i make a bunch of chili. So it was shot like an exploitation, like, you know, midnight movie trailer where it's like her and she's like, ah, and then it's like me,

like snapping Nate Balding's neck, spinning his neck around. And then I'm like playing a banjo and I'm like, Oh, you're going to float. And I, I put her in the bottom of an outhouse and then cut to me and Buffkin stirring up chili in a giant cauldron and us eating chili and it's

running down our face i'm wearing bib overalls buffkins clapping and saying new mama new mama and then cut to her like crying crying and then just a bunch of chocolate spilt all over her head so that's that's ron's Ron Ferguson's girlfriend's daughter. We got to find that and put it on the subreddit. It's truly despicable. Wait, and you only made the trailer, right? Correct, because the Weinstein group pulled out. Yeah, he was trying to get funding. he was he was trying to get funding yeah and

everybody was like i'm calling 9-1-1 here it is dude i found it it's on youtube the fans can search it out blast it no put it yeah put in the chub reddit i learned it oh my god this is horrific we put out three episodes a week for four months, and then we took a week and a half off, and everybody's like, where's the chub? Mister, what do you want from me? I want you to scream for me, little girl. I spit on her.

Starring Sam, danger talent. The first scene is her begging while covered in poop and then me spitting on her it's truly terrible it might be the worst thing on the internet oh yeah she's pappy's little piss bucket so check that out um yeah everyone shut up all right we're the best. We're giving what you need. You guys need to get off this whole idea of linear time. All right. Just another page on a calendar. So shut up.

And also thank you and like, and subscribe. We really appreciate you all. Well, I was going to say, I'm glad, I'm glad that people want to hear new episodes, uh, for sure. But yeah, I'm glad that people want to hear new episodes.

For sure. But, yeah. We had a couple of hiccups, man. I had to move down here, age of 18. Blew the boys away. I was more than 18. Yeah, what Lon just said. Little Tom Petty.

Yeah. There's a bunch of Tom Petty fans down here. Tom Petty heads. Yeah. And now Ron Sweaty lives there since you moved in so it's good but yeah no we appreciate you guys and we're sorry lund had to move you know and i had to eat uh about three and a half pounds of ham in a 72 hour window i want a ham fast for new year's This is my new ham diet. Nice. Mine was wet. That was a little call and response. Becker, where are we time-wise?

We're at about 54 minutes. Alright, we can round this thing up. New Year's resolutions? This is a Patreon, right? Yeah, I think so. We owe them one and they pay. And then tomorrow we should probably record one free.

I'm also okay with putting this one out because it's a true catch-up for everyone so we don't have to recap it. And then just doing the Patreon tomorrow. Okay. I don't know how you guys feel about that i'm fine with that yeah i'd rather everyone hear this and then the true heads can just catch up tomorrow with the page word so yeah man yeah i i see what you're saying yeah we've we've talked a lot about uh yeah what we've been doing the last few weeks so that it makes sense to come out tomorrow we set the table and then if you're on the patreon tomorrow you get dessert all right so there you go

i also have about 160 dollars worth of fireworks i wasn't able to shoot off on New Year's Eve because my neighbor's dog kept waking up. He kept coming outside and being like, come on, guys. He's shirtless from a dead sleep. Come on. The dog can't take it. We were like, okay, fine, man. The next day, he packed up all the stuff and left. I don't know if we had a hand in that or what, but

Happy New Year. You're alone now, Mary. Are you talking about your motorcycle know if we had a hand in that or what but happy new year you're alone now mary was that are you talking about your motorcycle neighbors that never shut up not the fergusons i'm talking i'm talking about the guy who services uh fish tanks and his quiet plane girlfriend all right so that they're right next to you on the other side of the Hills Have Eyes people? No, no. They're attached to the house. Like we share, like our garages are attached. You know what I mean?

Yeah, I'm saying they're, oh, right, right, right. Yeah, I wasn't saying they were too down. Right. So if your relationship is dangling on a string, and then you've got me and Mel and David Borey just in here eating ham and shotgunning beers, it's probably going to be detached by 1.30 a.m. the 1st of January. We're just out there lighting fireworks out of each other's butt cracks, and he's like, please, for the love of God, the dog. She's going to take the dog.

David's doing the jerk-off motion. With his tiny little hands. That's tough because I know, like, what's the solution? People like fireworks, and there's a bunch of dogs and veterans that don't. And so I think the solution is there shouldn't be fireworks for all of July. I wish it was like one night so that those people that can't hang with them can either go somewhere or get drugged up, get some dogs annexed or have some paint so that you can make it through the night. or have some paint so that you can make it through the night. Yeah. And then the shitty thing is the people that just light them off all day for two weeks or whatever, you know,

because you guys are just looking to have a little bit of fun in a world gone mad. And also it's like your dog's flipping out. What do you think my dog's up to? You think he likes this? He's losing his fucking mind. But he's taking one for the team because he's a he's a he's a gamer you know he came to play today so we're gonna go in there

and we'll pour some more beer in his bowl and everything's gonna be fine quit being a fucking bitch you know you know that reminds me of uh ricky my old roommate we ended up living together again junior year in college you know because he got you know he got cool he told that mormon girl to go fuck herself yeah and then when we were when we were living together uh our junior year there was a time where he had some bottle rockets and i never got comfortable with fireworks like i remember when I was a kid, my neighbors would light them off and they were some of the dumbest, you know, morons around. And so I just kept worrying that someone was going to, you know, blow up a car or blow off their hand or like kill their

kid because they would all just be hammered, you know, wobbling out to the middle of the street and lighting off a bunch of stuff and then being like, oh didn't it went out and then they'd like go walk over and put their face over it and then it would explode and so i always was you know i i liked watching fireworks but i didn't usually uh fuck with them personally and uh ricky had some some bottle rockets and he fucking lit one and handed it to me or no he handed it to me and then he lit it when I wasn't looking and it was terrifying pretty fun though

it is fun I let go and it flew off and poof but it was it was pretty scary well it's also fun in our house because emily hates fireworks you know she liked to test them and think they're stupid and quote for the irish so that's a direct quote from dr talent

so she's pissed gordy's flipping out. And then meanwhile, it's, you know, boys are going to be boys outside. We went and bought fireworks in Wyoming, allegedly, Emily, David, and I. I took a picture of David and Emily in front of the fireworks store. And we sent it, David sent it to Sophie. And she just responded, look at Emily's jumbo yum-yums.

Look at Emily's jumbo yum-yums. A sister responding to David about my wife's rockin' cans. So that was a fun little game of telephone we played there. Yeah, you said something about that recently. And then the New Year's picture that Emily shared was definitely Exhibit Double D, because that animal print was really showing them off. Yeah, it was feeding day at the zoo. It was the Serengeti with some Seren-tit-tays. It was Serengeti images, because people are searching for that online now.

They were... Serengeti, get out of my dreams, get into my car. I had a horrible sex dream last night where I was having intercourse, and I had a very long, prehensile penis. It looked like... You know when the anteater sticks its tongue out and it's that very long thin tongue truly horrifying and the woman who was reciprocating also had a very long thin sleeve of vagina and it was like it was terribly unerotic and disgusting i can't get it out of my head today.

Yeah, what the fuck? I don't know, dude, but it was like a 12-inch very thin, almost Slim Jim-esque ween going into a Chinese finger trap. It sucked. It was a bottle rocket. It was. We had human heads and then uh kind of the bodies of ren from ren and stimpy the last dream i remember i was at the airport and i ran into you and brad williams and brad williams had like weird disheveled bald head like it looked like he was ashamed to be caught by with me someone

yeah well that was part of the problem and then he looked like he didn't have his wig on or something it was so weird like why is that what i i'd rather dream of an eater fucking than just some ho-hum oh hey look it's my buddy sam carrying brad williams luggage for him through dia and brad's head looks kind of strange it would have been funnier if he was in a stroller yeah or if he had like an anteater dick or yeah an aardvark chode something fun yeah also norlex belma was was somewhere in the dream and i got to hug him and congratulate him on his weight loss journey wow that was the capper yeah this three of my favorite people and brad williams uh well guys that's another classic episode of the chubby behemoth brand podcast

please like and subscribe we never say that but you know if you're on there just fucking like subscribe write a review tell a friend tell a friend tell them how much fun we're having here in this podcast you know goofing around making sure that Becker can do this with his

fingers let's make sure that Becker can do this with his fingers. Let's make sure that Becker can hold a cigarette until they kill him. We don't want him to have to pay a nurse to come by five times a day and hold his cigarette for him. What a luxury.

That sounds pretty good. Then your fingers wouldn't smell so bad. Well, they would, but they wouldn't smell like cigarettes. Let's get Aaron Wentz's daughter to do that. That'll be her first job. We'll get Ramona over there to hold your fingers for you. Little Gherkin. Little Gherkin.

Little Gherkin. Little Gherkin. Little Gherky. But yeah, go ahead and subscribe to that Patreon, man. We're having fun in there. They got their episodes during this last two-week sabbatical because we care, goddammit, about the money that we make. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And hey, all the money this month that we make goes to buying lund a laptop

that's not powered by uh call it graphite or coal so let's uh let's load that yeah you can't see my legs but i've been peddling this whole time generate generate enough btus for an internet connection uh so i'm sweating i've been generating btks i have a list of people to kill I've had several mini strokes during this episode last night I was laying in bed and Emily came in she's like what do you why do you look so weird and I was like oh I'm just plotting your demise and then that was a 40 minute conversation she she doesn't believe anything that you say but then that sounded like there was a grain of truth for her yeah for her to uncover yeah and then she just talked about how she would easily kill me and

how everyone would believe me or believe her and how i would never get away with it uh so yeah it was a real dark bedtime that's for sure she shows you that she shows you that under her pillow there's a syringe with air in it so that yeah i think just put it in your neck and she was like if i you know if i wanted to do that i could just take you camping and you could slip off the edge of a cliff and everyone would believe it because you're such a big idiot and i was like all right let's good night um. Yeah, because the 132 pound woman is going to be able to shove a former offensive lineman off of a cliff without him putting up a fight. Yeah, right. Yeah.

Hopefully they would find like, you know, hair and skin underneath my fingernails. You would chop block her ass. You'd take her knees out. I would clip her for sure. I would take her out. And then you'd step on her hand. Or did you ever step on somebody's nuts when you're getting out of the pile?

I never played dirty. The dirtiest thing I did was grab people's armpit hair when I was pass blocking. That was the worst thing I ever did. That's pretty bad, but I like it. It hurts so bad, dude. Getting your armpit hair ripped out. Yeah, and I'm sure it was a fistful at a time, too.

It was a fistful of doll hairs. A little nair of the dog. Nice. Calling it back. And that's it, guys. That's your button. We love you. Sam T Nation, Becker Industries, and Lund Corp.

Wish you? Those soggy Bodum boys. Sam T Nation Becker Industries and Lund Corp wish you those soggy Bodum boys wishing you a happy new year