Chubby Behemoth - Spuds In Paris

Episode Date: September 8, 2023

Support the show and get 20% off & free shipping at https://www.manscaped.com with promo code CHUBBY   Like A Jetski On Land. Descend Harder. Grab My Butt. Spud from War Mode.   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth    Extra episodes at Patreon.com/chubbybehemoth   Lunds new special 'Soup's On' https://www.youtube.com/SoupsOn

Can they tell that my arm doesn't work anymore? Okay. Yeah, I think my body's reacting negatively to the lack of GMOs in the food here. It's just eating the tendons in my arm. It's the natural wine. It's the natural wine. It's poison. Oh, fuck. Well, hey, everyone.

As you know, it's us. The Double D Brigade. The French boys. We're joined by a roustabout, a journeyman, a former union agitator. He used to work for the Pinkertons, undercover, and now he's here with us in Paris. Andrew, everybody. Hello. What's your last name? P in Paris. Andrew, everybody. Hello. What's your last name?

Pacella. Pacella. Your last name is Pacella? Yeah, I'm adopted, yeah. Interesting. Yeah. I knew you were adopted, but it was a legal adoption? No, it was totally legal.

Okay. I'm good. Catholic Social Services. I know that you love billiards. I didn't know if they won you in a pool game or something. Maybe it's in my blood. Union negotiations. Yeah, you guys can get an extra couple bucks an hour,

but the sun is mine. Take the boy. Leave the knife. Well, so we're in Paris. I don't know if you guys knew that. They know. Oh, if we knew. Yeah, I'm aware. I know you have retro you guys knew that. They know. Oh, if we knew. Yeah. Yeah, I'm aware.

I know you have retrograde amnesia. Well, I did say something stupid the other day because I wasn't thinking about it. And I was like, I thought Roman Polanski wasn't allowed in the U.S. Ewan Bonzo looked at me like I had hit my head real hard. You're like, we're in Europe. Oh, yeah. They're different. It's a spice we're in Europe. Oh, yeah. They're different. It's a spice melange.

Crazy. Crazy to forget. Temporarily. I love when you blow it that bad, because then you go, oh. Why did you make this face? I got scared. That we were going to get up your ass? No, no.

That I was about to die from a brain bleed. This happens to me every day. Yeah, no, it was crazy. It also happened at the Le Kébéli, one of the days we were there, I guess just because it was so familiar to be sitting and chopping it up with comics. But I was not thinking about how we were in Paris, and it kind of hit me, and I was like, whoa.

So, you know, every day is a miracle when you're a dumb little kid my uh let's just let's go through this we've had a big couple of days andrew you got in what day i can't remember very good let's keep a secret don't let them know anything on you your fans that's one thing. These people... These guys are cool. Yeah. Well, there's a big Venn diagram crossover, and I gotta say, people have been begging for a Spud and Lund episode. All right.

Because they think you guys are diametrically opposed. Oh, we're great friends. Yeah, I know. I've been loving watching your budding bromance. That's good. We mostly talked to each other at the weird party that we attended. Yes. And I enjoyed every minute of it.

I mean, for me, what were the... Like, I just did a podcast with a guy from the Manson case, and then out of nowhere, there's a Polanski. That speaks to me. Dude. Yeah. I was so stoked. I thought that you were going to get to the bottom of Polanski finally.

Hey, man. I was going to root around. Yeah. I thought that you were going to get to the bottom of Polanski finally. Hey, man. I was going to rear around. Yeah. You were one pajama man coming out to yell at us to turn down the awful DJ music away from Sharon Tate. Yeah. So we do this show at La Cabelle or Cabelle or Baby Belchies. That's good, too.

Cabelle. Mm-hmm. And there's this 16-year-old in the front row who's dressed like he washed ashore on a visa just fucking euro trash blonde mustache euro trash is a slur guess what i can say it here i've been biting my tongue otherwise you're white trash they're euro trash they're euro i mean this kid was dressed in fucking corduroy in September. It's like, get over it. He's a DJ in a basement. Yeah. Here's what I don't like.

When you see a French guy that's putting it on so hard, where you're like, we fucking get it, pal. All right? Tone it back a little bit. Do you need a beret and an ascot and one glove holding a fucking ornamental cane? No. Yeah. Put some sleeves on that jumper.

Did you blast him on stage? Of course I blasted him. Yeah. Took him apart. He was looking Did you blast him on stage? Of course I blasted him. Yeah. Took him apart. He was looking at me like I should be behind glass. Benzo'd? Oh, he was in awe?

Yeah, because he's never seen such a fucking virile American man. Virile. That's the first thing he thought. Yeah. But it's a lot of sperm. Yes, this man is budding with seed. This man has impregnated many women. He's here to inseminate the room with his laughter.

And sitting next to the 16-year-old boy, yeah, I kept laughing, was a mustachioed guy who watched me like he was a primitive man watching fire for the first time. And it turned out he was just a drug addict. And I gave him something new. He was just rolling. Yeah, and that ended up being Roman Polanski's son, Elvis Polanski. out he was just a drug addict and i gave him something new he was just rolling yeah and he that ended up being roman polanski's son elvis polanski so we get invited back to a party at

elvis's house and we're like this is gonna suck and then they tell us it's roman polanski's son and boy do our eyes light up well we knew that they had uh money and that they were like upper elite well because that guy was like, I've been in the polo for two weeks. I ate a horse. Chevelle in my bell. He was talking about polo and traveling extensively. Yeah, so yeah, we figured something was up.

But yeah, and then it... I've never met anybody that did polo. No, dude. That's rare. So by my house growing up was this thing called the polo fields where we just had like football practice. And at one point it was for polo, but I never saw any fucking polo on that field. Do you guys ride horses where you're from? As a boy, I did.

Damn, that's so cool. And not like I rode it to the post office to buy more stamps to send home to the battlefield. No, but like my friend Benji Duke had horses and we would ride around on them. I never liked it, dude. like i wrote it to the post office to buy more stamps to send home to the battlefield no but like my friend benji duke had horses and we would ride around on them i never liked it dude um i've never been on one so it's a lot of power between your legs it's like a jet ski on land well i remember being 13 12 so i wasn't like huge but outside of our church, there was like some type of little get-together where there were little like small horses that we could ride just in a circle. It was sad. This was outside of a church's chicken.

No, no. That's what you called your church. We were allowed to get on the horse and just kind of go in a little circle. And I was like scared that I was too big for the horse. I think that was a me problem. That was my parents telling me i was fat and then i'm like what about the horse you know even so even though they were big i was scared that i was gonna like kill a horse yeah you get off the horse then you say oh we're gonna go give him a bath and you see a gunshot blaster behind the barn no papa who. And you're going to eat your friend. Never again. Eat it.

Never again. You were scared of their power. I was scared of my own power. Yeah, dude. Either way, we were both terrified on top of horses. I've been on a horse like probably four times. And it was just like ride through the paddock or the pasture at Benji Duke's. And this kid, Andy Quinn, who I've talked about on the pod a lot, Andy Quinn was good

on horseback because his legs were so long at like 11 that they almost like touched the ground. He was just a freaky scarecrow specimen. But I never enjoyed horse antics. I think you might like a horse. I don't know. I've never been on one. Yeah, well, here's what I'm seeing. When I was younger, I used to like more activities.

Now I'm just kind of like, please don't get hurt. Oh, dude. Oh, sure. Yeah. I thought about that when we were uh on the sen you know there was that little uh oh yeah it's all gentle stuff now i used to parkour that stuff you're right yes i i would have jumped off to get down closer to the river i would have jumped up to go throw away that trash and instead both times i took the long way

over to the stairs i used to get so excited as like a young man and i was not even i was like 19 i think when attack of the clones came out and i saw the newer jedi moves yeah you know you remember when they had like the battles where they could flip and stuff yeah and i came out of the movie theater and ran on top of cars like a psycho hey that's dickhead shit of course yes i was a 19 year old that was super excited about star wars yeah you're fired up yeah that puts you firmly in the dickhead camp yeah yeah i think about that too when i was younger you just don't have as much uh thought for everybody around you like i thought about it on the train a couple times when we were spread out when i was younger i would have yelled something like how's that sore on your dick?

And it's just like, nobody wants to hear that. Nobody wants this. And it's nice to move away from that, to leave that in your youth. Everyone hates young men. Oh, yeah, and rightfully so. Rightfully, yeah, right. Yeah, if you're a little sociopath, yeah, then you probably need to get smacked around.

Me and Bonzo, Anthony, we took acid one time and went and saw The Descent. Remember The Descent? No, what's that? It was a movie about these girls who go on a spelunking trip, and they go deep into these caves, and they find this tribe of mutants and abominations, and I think they get savaged and ravaged and eaten. Okay. We're sitting in the front row opening night of The Descent.

On acid? On acid. You guys are crazy. That would have been a are crazy dude it was his first time eating acid oh that's nice i remember he earlier that day he laid okay he's fine yeah you've hung out with him he's solid he was just laying on the street saying i'm melting so i was like let's go see a movie so we go let's go make this a 200 other people's problem dude literally opening night yeah uh and we just

sat in the front row and kept screaming descend harder and i remember this father sitting like three rows back like begging us in front of his kids like please please stop please because he knows that if he like tries to buck up we're dumb and full of adrenaline and spunk oh yeah we have to beat him up it's like so. You would have pantsed him. Pants him, shove him. Nuggied him until blood came out of his head. Yeah, play his butt like a bongo. Say, I'm a jazz man. So yeah, being a child

was a bad time. Speaking of bad children, so we're at this party. Horses. We get told, let's go to this party from a polo man who has the worst teeth and some of the worst breath I've ever smelled. Come on, he's listening. Sweet kid. What's his name? I don't know. Cortlando?

Yeah, Cortlando Papaguando. I believe that's correct. I think his name is DJ Horsefoot. So we go, we're like, okay, round up all the boys. We get all the comics who are at the show, even the sound guy. He's Armenian. Let's give him a dream. So we round them all up and we roll in like 12 deep we have like a 55 year old homosexual who's

so eager to get in there and show some new dance moves to the boys what if it's crazy in there what if it's the bees knees what if we'd never stop dancing? I don't have my grooving shirt on. Allow me to get my new blouse. So many chests to touch. He just goes up and touches their chests. That's a good move. So we have the highest expectations.

Was I crazy? Did you guys have high expectations? i didn't have high expectations i i thought that it would be um i thought we would be high up because i figured uh it's above the versace store right above like this like mall so it's gonna be okay great view uh either there's gonna be like a bunch of people there and we'll just kind of hang out with ourselves mingle a little and leave uh whenever or uh it won't there won't be a ton of people but yeah we'll like hang out on the balcony it'll be it'll be a cool experience something might be wrong with me because i didn't imagine anything there's nothing you did all that uh well i mean yeah i thought i thought we could have a

nice view of the city for sure very deep and it's a nice inner life. I was, while getting older, I was like hopeful that it would be cool, but tempered expectations that maybe it wouldn't be cool, but it would be fine. You just hope there was AC. Oh, that was my meeting. That doesn't exist here, dude. Well, I'll bet Roman Polanski's freezing his old balls off up there.

Yeah, he's got to be in a crypt. Some of those places probably are fitted for AC after the fact. Yeah, he probably sleeps in like a fucking ham-drying cellar upside down like a fruit bat. Yeah, so yeah, I guess you're saying the sky was the limit when you know that these people are wealthy. They were like, there's a wine cellar in Roman Polanski's house. It's above the Versace store somewhere in Paris. I guess I shouldn't give that away too much. But there's a lot of Versace stores.

The code is 7794. Bonzo has the code on film. Well, let's give it to our Patreon. Let's give it to the Patreon. Join the $50 tier and you can go finish what Manson started. Whoa. So anyway, we get there, and they're like, okay, come down to the third subfloor.

We're like, oh, so he does live in a cave like Bruce Wayne. We're in the descent. Where's Alfred? Yeah, descend harder. And so we get in there, and we go down, and Andrew, paint the picture. Oh, the doors open up. There's bright fluorescent lights.

There's no one. There's, what, three people? Yes. We're the party. We're the party. 12 dudes is the party. 12 men show up to a boy party. 12 male-aged men.

There's a boy who's DJ. DJ Peachfuzz. Nice pioneer gear. That was a great DJ gear. Great setup. And there was a lot of effort put into that, which is bizarre to me. Yeah, maybe five or six cars, and then it's just like, all right, no beers, no bathroom, no chairs, no grub.

One shopping cart? Zero chicks. One chick. One chick. One lady. It was from Texas. That was weird. Give me a French girl.

She seemed to be taken. Oh, yeah, by that polo kid. He kept licking her face from bottom to top. You are mine. Talking while licking her. You are mine. Who belongs to me? Grab my butt.

He was squeezing away. He was squeezing, touching, loving. Imagine telling a girl. I'm going to start telling chicks to grab my butt. Yo, for real. So much confidence. Just whisper it.

I want you to grab my butt. I'm so close. So close. Hold on. Finish the you to grab my butt. I'm so close. I'm so close. Hold on. Finish the job. Grab my butt. So yeah, when he wasn't giving her the candy apple treatment, he takes a break to tell us about how he went to Mongolia.

He bought a horse and rode it across Mongolia. And when that horse was done, he sold it to some locals and bought another horse. Flipped it. Yeah. and when that horse was done he sold it to some locals and bought another horse flipped it yeah so anyway elvis polanski's roman polanski told his son he just gave him the classic like dad treatment like you can't have a bunch of men over i'm sleeping yeah yeah you guys can't party in my fucking billionaire playboy apartment you guys got to go to the parking garage so we're in the parking garage i I just start laughing so hard because my expectations

were like, maybe there's a zip line right to the Louvre. Maybe he's going to helicopter us to the top of the Eiffel Tower. We also figured so I guess, yeah, the main hopes were AC and like a bunch of food. I thought there'd be caviar. And crazy beers. Yeah, some crazy beers.

Hey, pops. It's Roman Polanski. Roman Polanski's bartending. And a bunch of ibuprofen for your dying arm. Yeah. Something happened now where the outside is what hurts. It went away for like the whole week, and then Emily left, and now I can't extend it again. I have insane elbow.

So they're like, we need to get beaters for the men the men are thirsty not they were like beer for my men champagne for my horses caviar for the horses you can lick the can so 20 little beers show up. Hot. Hot. Hot beers. Hot. Hot leffers. Yeah, hot little leffs. Yeah. Leffer blonde. So, dude, as soon as they show up, I go, I turn on, I'm 17 again.

I turn to Bonzo and I say, you know what we got to do? And he says, drink them all so they get more. So, as soon as those beers show up, me and Bonzo just start cracking them with lighters, dumping them down. So, then they got more beers finally. We're just standing around like, how long do we have to be here until Roman comes down? When do we get to see the fucking editor's cut of Chinatown? Oh, yeah.

No, I knew that wasn't happening. I thought that maybe we'd be allowed up after some of the people left. We got rid of some, then we can go up there. And you can charm him. Yeah, I can charm him. I can woo him. I thought maybe the Ambien kicks in. I'd go to Rowan, I'm like, squeeze my butt.

I got a movie idea. Squeeze my butt. This summer, Rowan Polanski's squeezing my butt. I thought maybe, yeah, at some point, the parents go to bed and then we're allowed to like, God, see that view. I'll bet it's awesome. Go up and walk around by candlelight. Let the butler put us on a leash.

Give us guided tours like a dog. And you and a few other people went up to use the restroom. I did not. I didn't really have to. I wanted to check it out, and then I didn't. And then we started gabbing, and I didn't want it to end. Yeah, I mean, I didn't have to go to the bathroom, which was key. That would have been panic city.

If you would have had a dump? If I had anything. If you would have had a whiz, you would have freaked out because you wouldn't have wanted to. No, I would have been all right with that, but just who knows, dude. Gotcha. Yeah. Yeah. It's a rugged sitch.

It was hot down there. It was. Yeah. I was prepared to piss all over any of those fucking $7,000 cars. The cars weren't even good. Yeah. We're below, you know, I don't want to keep giving away addresses, but we were in a nice part of town.

I thought there'd be like, you know, maybe a Mazda 6 at the very least. Yeah, that was curious. I thought we were going to see some crazy beers. Yeah, no. But instead, the cars were mid. We're there with a man named Aruba Ray. There's an Australian whose dad lives in Vienna. Is that right?

Yeah. Oh, cool. So anyway, we're like, okay. Aiden. Aiden Jones. Aiden Jones. I'm a real wobbler. Grab my butt.

Grab my butt. Get over here and squeeze me haunch. Turn me into a horse. Give me the South African treatment. Yeah, I can't. I just, every word, each word is either Australian or English and then South Africa out of nowhere. South Africa.

I can't commit. Yeah. But Aruba Ray was like, I went upstairs. I saw the bathroom. You got to pee. He'll take you up there. So Elvis Polanski's down there and he's like, Twitch, do you want cocaine? Do you want to do poppers?

It's like, I don't want to do poppers. Yeah. You're not a homosexual in the 70s. No. Bob wanted to do poppers? It's like, I don't want to do poppers. I'm not a homosexual in the 70s. No. Bob wanted to do poppers. Don't open me up. Yeah. He wanted to pop them open.

Yeah. Bob wanted to give them the full fucking Gallagher treatment and smash them like melons. I saw Bob just like, he was doing little dances and then realizing that it was fucking. Just in? Yeah. He's like, I might be homosexual, but I'm not gay. So I went up. I saw Bonzo go up with Elvis because he just keeps coming in and like twitching and geeking.

And then he's like, do you want cocaine? No, no, no. Then he keeps saying, you called my brother an Aryan. He loved that I compared his cousin to an Aryan. So Bonzo's going up. I go up. So we're up there, and Bonzo goes to the bathroom that's in the house, and he takes me to his bedroom.

I use the bathroom in the bedroom, and I come out, and again, do you want poppers? No. And then he says, do you want jalapeno poppers? Yes. Bagel bites, mister? Stuffed with cheese. Yes.

Bring them over here. Do you have any honey mustard? Oh, you fool. We have the best, the finest honey mustard in Paris. We have a beehive in the fridge. The freshest honey you can imagine. Mustard slave, commence the cutting of the root. Grind us fresh mustard.

We must get mustard in here. So he's like, can I show you something? And I was like, yes. So I sit down. Bonzo's rummaging. He comes over. We sit down in his bed, and he shows us his student films. And to say they made sense would be a lie.

To say there was any discernible fucking through line or logic to it. No, no, no. Lynchian is the highest thing you could say mid harmony careen probably makes sense trash humpers meets eraser head so we're sitting there watching and he's like do you like them he's explaining to us why they're funny and we're like i like the sounds really good uh i like the lighting you know so we're up there for a half hour we come back down no one noticed we were gone. Pat, what?

What are you doing? No rummaging. Yeah. Well, you went up there for two seconds, and now you're back. I said there was toilet paper up there. Pat's blowing it again. Wipe your butt. You know what I should do?

I should post a link to his playlist on YouTube of all of his videos on the Patreon. Yeah. It's kind of personal. He wants people to see it. They're public, though. Oh, okay. Yeah. I'm not going to give the private link that he sent me.

Where he killed that little boy. Just his dad rocking him in a crate. His uploads. So then we left after about another hour and a half of wondering is this ever going to be cool and uh that was the end of the elvis polanski party i pushed him around a shopping cart yeah jackass style yeah yeah i was kind of glad that there weren't a bunch of random people that would have like tried to divide us and and and us. Divide and conquer us? Yeah, well, like... Steal Sam?

Yeah, yeah. He's the only one. Swarm Sam, yeah. He's the one. The asset. He's the special man. Let's compromise him. Get him into the camera room.

I don't know. I guess, you know, what was funny is how we kept kind of separating and moving away from the DJ area. And then he was telling his friends to make us get closer to the speakers. And I was like, we can hear it from 12 feet away. And we can hear each other as we talk. But yeah, it was just kind of a, hey, come back here to the music.

And it's like, okay, yeah. No, it's nice and loud for sure. So that part was kind of the only negative. Maybe next time. Now you guys are great friends. Also, no. He won't leave me alone. There might be another party.

That might have been the first party. Of many. That's a test. He wants to fly me to Poland to be in his next wave of student films. Yeah, well, yeah. You're going to have to cut an onion while wearing a dress or something. Dude, the videos were nuts. This is the one I remember most specifically.

There's a cowboy who remixes Beethoven movies, or not movies, songs. And while he's doing that at the piano, he screams in German, he remixes Beethoven songs while dressed like a cowboy. He has a slave wearing a clown mask in the next room chopping up peanuts for him. Oh, that's right.

Right. And then at the end, once the peanuts are finally prepared, the slaves brings him out the peanuts, and then he takes a handful of the smushed peanuts, and he goes out in the backyard, and he buries them in the snow because Elvis Polanski says, that represents his innocence, and he gave it away for the music. Me and Bonzo were like, I like the editing, I guess.

I don't know. Can we go back downstairs with our friends? Either wake up your dad or let us out of here. At least it's not longer. I liked at the end of the night, I had to pee because I hadn't gone upstairs. And you're like, just pee anywhere. Look. And we had gone out of the parking garage through a uh you know the the entrance for the

cars and the gate had come down and then you just pee against the gate and it's like yeah i'm not gonna do that and like a minute later the rest of the guys from the party came up and one of the guys immediately clocked that there was some fresh piss right there and i thought he told uh dj youngblood about it but he didn't so youngblood i think stepped in it for a bit that was a crazy setup you guys did yesterday oh yeah yeah the triforce like a kiosk yeah yeah that was nice though when i saw it i was like what is that and then i saw somebody peeing over there i was like oh sweet it was like an egg-shaped piss carousel. Suck it, ladies.

I'm going to dump right here. Yeah, that was nice. So, Andrew, this is your first time in Paris, right? Yeah. You were telling me when you came out of the train station that you were afflicted. Yeah, it fucked me up. Yeah, it took my breath away. Yeah.

I felt it for the first time. Like, I've heard that statement my whole life. Like, oh, yeah, it takes your breath away. And then it happened. And I was like've heard that statement my whole life like oh yeah it takes your breath away and then it happened and i was like whoa that's real fuck yeah man this is the most beautiful city i've ever been to me too yeah and you've been to wilmington delaware twice yes this guy's been to lancaster a bunch yeah dude it's just a level it's otherworldly and i never want the days end, but then the night comes and you're like, oh, this is equally beautiful in its own way. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's even better because now it's hot. Yesterday when we were by the Seine as it was kind of the golden hour, I was like, if I could just live in this moment where I'm with my friends, on the water, drinking a beer. Talking about Pepper and Slightly Stupid. Yeah, talking about Cottonmouth Kings singing uh lesser 311 songs it's just like in those little glimpses of like infinity you're like oh why why am i worried about anything else why don't i just like really give a shit about community and fraternity and just like trying to make these kind of moments happen as much as possible. Yeah, it was great.

It was a good day. It started at the catacombs. It started, yeah, with our own descent into, yeah, the catacombs, which was crazy. I knew what it was going to be, but really. Down a lot farther than I imagined. Down farther? My main thing, I didn't know how many bones and skulls were down there. And the answer is a million.

A million bones and 10,000 skulls. Holy fuck. It really delivers on the promise of the most bones you've ever seen. Yeah, by far. You want to see a bunch of bones? It's not even close. We've got the spot for you. They've smuggled these bones for years.

Yeah. And you can touch them. No one's looking. You're not supposed to. It's an honor system. You picked up the bones? I mean, they must put them back after we leave. Dust them off.

Get ready for the next tour. That's a major at one of the colleges here. Bone arranger. You can go to Le Sorbonne. Le Sorbonne. Le Sorbonne. Sorbonne. Thank you. Sarbon. Sarbon. Thank you.

That's what I have. Muy bien. I have sore tendon. Yeah, I don't know if I'm a big... I don't know if I'll never... I don't need to go back to the catacombs ever. No, not unless they open up a new wing where it's like... It's like the tits.

New bones. It's empty. Nude bodies. Empty. Yeah. Just empty. Nude bodies. Empty?

Yeah. Or yeah, if you can play with the bones in the new bone room. If there was like a xylophone set up, xylophone. Then we could go back. Yeah, I was really glad that we did it. But yeah, I don't know that you would go. I wonder if people go multiple times. Some people maybe, but I don't know why you would. Because it's interesting, it's great.

Maybe if you're like a death enthusiast. Yeah. Obviously, if you bring somebody down there who hasn't been down there, that doesn't count. If you and your partner or someone, your friend, go down there regularly, that would

creep me out for sure. Yeah, just like stay home and watch The Crow again, you freak. Yeah, The Crow rules. Yeah, like Winona Ryder in Beetlejuice. Yes. She would have done it. I bet there's plenty of guys who... Down there writing poetry.

There's men wearing chokers, these kinds, you know. Fishnets. Yeah, fishnets, round sunglasses that perch on their nose without arms. Was she a great big fat person? I bet that's a move for dudes, a third date spot. You have not been to the catacombs. You are surrounded by the impermanence of the reminder of life and what a promise it was to our ancestors.

Yeah, no, that's not what I'm talking about either because that involves showing it to someone. I'm curious about someone or a couple. If a guy has a monthly pass. Who like going down there, yeah. It's like a Six Flags. You show up with a can of Pepsi. You're wasting too much time on this area.

I know where the cool spot is. Yeah. Telling the other tourists, you didn't even see the best part. Check out this one. Look at these bones. This skull looks like a butt. It would be crazy. Oh, you know what was funny is, you know,

there's not bones for the first bit of the tunnels. Yeah. And when we, I think I was, like, first to the main, the first, like, area where there's a bunch of information about the bones and whatnot, the history. And in that room room there's two staff who are like making sure that people put their backpack on the front or whatever you know make sure nobody has a hamburger and a glass a bottle of wine yeah which is one of the we came

here to pick no no no uh so i'm like kind of near these two uh workers you're still uh coming down the the entrance down the tunnel, and you burped. And the two, it was a man and a woman, and they had a nice giggle over Sam just going, they started speaking in French, and then the woman kind of did like

her interpretation of what you had belched out. She was like, it was funny. She got you. She was like, It was funny. She got you. I was also busted for farting. She got your ass. Oh, yeah. I farted and Bonzo was like, did you fart?

And I was like, no. And then there was an avalanche of skulls. I shook the goddamn ossuary. We all had to run for our lives. Well, these two Italian women were behind me and I was like, I didn't know they were back there and i farted and they were like then bonzo was like did you fart i was like shut up i'll kill you i'm working here i'm looking at how to i was gonna translate grab my butt into italian did you think it was going to be quiet yes you could get away with it i usually can tell if it's gonna to be a coffee rumbler, but no. They're always big fucking cacophonous farts.

No, they're not. Yes, they are. Your butt is huge. And so it's like an amphitheater for your wind. Do you get hit with uncontrollable ones? Ones that come out of nowhere? Or do you always have like a, oh, here we go. I know because they come from a very deep part of me.

There's a lot of build up before they get to the hole and also i have a deep ass like the actual cheeks because i have like a voluptuous butt so there's like i don't know six inches to the hole so i know when it's going to hit the crust when it's coming out that has nothing to do with anything yeah it does you because you have a big butt cheek you don't have cheeks, dude. Because you have a big butt cheek. You don't have cheeks. You don't know what you're talking about. You're fucking cheekless, bro.

No, no, no. I know what he's talking about. But the whole thing is inside of you. And then when it farts, it farts. When it farts. But it's not like, oh, here it comes. I'm a human being. You're talking about the outside.

You married me to my wife. And it farts. The cheeks are the outside. I don't have a separate little mechanism inside of me. It's a homunculus. I got a homunculus. You're saying you let the fart out and then it's a whole process, a whole journey to get through your butt cheek canyon. I have to give it clearance to launch.

That's insane. There's a little steampunk factory in there. The DMT gnomes are hard at work pushing your fart through the fucking... The French. It farts. It farts. He's grabbed his butt.

We have 30 seconds. I liked getting little updates of y'all's conversation from Lund. Lund would be like, whoa, Andrew did a bunch of DMT and he says there's little Gumby gnomes. Yeah, man. Now you'd be like,

Andrew loves the state and I think you should leave I was like yeah you guys are at real sleepover energy over there oh yeah we hit it off I'm not going to help Bonzo oh Bonzus Bonzus Pumpeguansus Bonzo use the key buddy

if he doesn't come in with 12 rolls of teepee I'm pushing him down the stairs we're stairs here for 12 more hours yeah but i want to nibble oh yeah sam has told us when he was younger he would be on the toilet and he would take take a little bit of toilet paper and then chew on it he'd chew on it he said he said he wouldn't swallow it but i'll bet he swallowed some hey if you're anything like me, you've probably been using your Manscaped ball shaver on your face.

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trimmer all over my face it edges me up real nice it gets my sideburns at a great length it doesn't hurt I don't even use soap or water on there I just go fucking outback soldier and this beard trimmer, the beard hedger, excuse me, is a better deal. I got one coming in the mail. I can't wait to get my hands on it because I have not been this clean shaven in a long time. This baby has a long lasting universal charging and a strong motor that will get it to look the way you want. Strong motor. Let it chew through your beard, Patrick. Imagine if it ate up your beard. You'd be smooth little baby boy again. If you're a clean shaven kind of guy, the Handyman's your ticket to a smooth, stubble-free look.

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him. Just my foot. No. Thank you, Pat. I forgot to record it. Yeah, right. Anyway, yeah, one, two, you thought we wouldn't be friends? No not at all not at all uh there's just the internet oh you know they're always right yeah uh no it's just um sometimes people like sometimes i can't talk to a random person like there's just not the same wavelength or whatever

and we were on the same same wavelength right away yeah i don't meet a whole lot of like you guys are i don't meet a whole lot of new people so that's nice i wish i wish i didn't have to meet no it's it is nice to meet new people but i don't always want to i like who i like already and i have a lot of good friends right you're done well and like going to that going to that party i was worried that um like i said if if if you got stuck talking to one guy and i got stuck talking to a different guy and they're just talking at us about their life and then maybe they ask a couple questions of us but then they're right back to them like i don't like that and i don't like uh just being grilled

and interviewed where i'm asked questions you know it happens being a comic where people want to know like where do you get your jokes from or what you know and it's fine when people are genuinely curious and they uh contribute something of their own to the conversation but a lot of times it is just like an interrogation and right and uh it can feel weird like like they're just like taking that they want to piece of you, and that's what sucks. It's like, I want to talk to you. I want to talk to Aiden. I want to talk to fucking Andrew. And then I'm stuck talking to this polo kid telling me how he's been drunk for four days.

And it's like, bro. It's been an orgy of violence and butt grabbing. I've grabbed so many butts. Horses have grabbed me. I have grabbed them. grabbed so many butts. Horses have grabbed me. I have grabbed them. Oh, yeah, and the logistics of polo

sounded dumb, where it's like, we go through ten horses a game. It's like, the horses don't want to do this. I feel the same way about when dogs have to, like, do drugs. Race? No, well, race, but also to, like, drug-sniffing

dogs and shit, where they have a job it's like they don't want a fucking job you have some of them i guess some of them love jobs they just want treats but it's like most dogs i think would rather like play and then lay in the sun not have to like fucking i don't know i don't know my dog was too dumb to do anything so oh yeah you you had a retarded dog you give your dogs a little bit of mushrooms at the end Yeah CBD and mushrooms Cancer diagnosis is rugged Human and dog alike

Sure I didn't believe it they were like 8 months to live And he was going up and down So I was like dude they don't know It's a vet in Philadelphia they don't fucking know And then like clockwork literally like The amount of months that they said One of those Philadelphia veterinarian pill Veterinarian pill mills.

They just want to get the dogs on Oxy. If I get cancer, I would like to live in your basement and be fed CBD and mushrooms. Yeah, man. Please. Like a barbarian. These are my wishes. Oh, did you think about barbarian in the catacombs? No, but I just thought about now having you in my basement.

I'm the barbarian. I'm that lady. That was one of the bigger scares I've had was in Barbarian, the first time you see that woman. It fucking got me good. It's an Amazon, dude. You intimidated? No, it was just like

one of the better jump scares for me. Like a lot of times I figure something's coming. I don't fuck with that shit. I don't watch scary stuff. Oh, okay. I like scary stuff. Yeah. There's also a, my wife said there's a horror movie

that involves the catacombs that I'm excited to watch. As Above, So Below. Fuck, dude. Spooky name. Oh, yeah, dude. Yeah, yeah. What was the name of that French movie

you tried to show Shane and McCusker and they got bored? I don't know if it was them. Thirteen Zometi is a French movie that tried to show Shane and McCusker and they got bored um I don't know if it was them 13's Medi is a French movie that I love trying to think of other French movies oh yeah we were talking about how there's a fucking movie that I went to the movies one time it was like 2005 maybe maybe 2008 I can't remember but I didn't know what the movie was I saw I rode my bike I saw my uncle and his girlfriend they're like hey we're gonna see a movie do. I rode my bike. I saw my uncle and his girlfriend. They're like, hey, we're going to see a movie. Do you want to see it?

And I was like, yeah. Roll in. It's black and white. Subtitles. French. And it's about a Russian roulette tournament. So I had no idea that was going to happen. And then as the movie goes on, you don't know.

They're literally doing Russian roulette the whole movie. It was the craziest fucking thing I've ever seen. It sounds great. Tension the whole time. I don't know how good it is in reality. But when I was young, I was like, that's the craziest fucking thing I ever experienced. Yeah It just sounds great. But I was young. Tension the whole time. I don't know how good it is in reality, but when I was young, I was like, that's the craziest fucking thing I ever experienced. Yeah.

That's when I really started to love movies. Like, I always liked movies before, but then I was like, dude, movies are so much. You thought you were going to see, like, Uncle Buck 2. Yeah. And you're like, oh, this will be fun. Yeah, I was just chilling in the movies. Just fucking gripped. Yeah.

Dude, your uncle sounds like he rules. That was just what he was up to on, like, a day? Oh, yeah, he did rule. He's gone now. Is this Uncle Charles? Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I remember your guys'

that was a very beautiful eulogy you gave him. Oh, really? Yeah. Yeah, I mean, dude, he was like my dad. Yeah. Yeah. I met him like when I was like 22. I met my birth mother

and I didn't know I didn't really get to see her because she was like two hours away. Yeah. So she was like, my brother's in Philly though. You can hang out with him. And I met him.

And it was like, oh, shit, an older version of me. This is sick. And he loved music and movies. And he liked to eat. He liked to munch. Yeah. He would go out and fucking. Didn't you say he was built like Lund?

Built like Lund. You think that's why you hit it off so well? Maybe, yeah. When I first met him. I'll take it. When I first met him, he did like try a bunch of different diets. When I first met him, he did try a bunch of different diets. But when I first met him, he was like, listen, I eat seafood now because I just got through a phase of cheesesteaks and cigars.

Of steaks and cigars. I'm evolving. Yeah, yeah. And he's like, we're cutting back on that. And he started eating octopus. And just doing chaw. When I was 22, I had never even heard of someone eating octopus. I was like, this is crazy.

But yeah, he was the coolest dude. And now look at you. You had fucking octopus and natural wine last night in Paris. Natural wine, yeah, man. I don't know what kind of drunk that is, but I wanted to do more of that and faster. Yes. Natural wine is so fucking good.

And then over here, they do the pecan beer. That's really good, too. Where they put a little syrup in your beer, and it's just the best beer you've ever had. Yeah, I feel like they figured it all out. For sure, yeah. Americans are just children. Yeah. I'm going to go back to Boston and probably have a Miller Lite and throw up.

Or everything's going to be fine. Your arm's going to get strong. I'm back, baby. Oh, I'm fine. That's all it was. How do we drink this much and feel good in the morning? That's going to get strong. I'm back, baby. Oh, I'm fine. That's all it was. How do we drink this much and feel good in the morning? That's crazy to me. Because there's no fucking preservatives or formaldehyde in what we're drinking.

So I'm getting poisoned, for real. Billy's right. Oh, yeah, dude. American beers, like PBR, I think literally has formaldehyde in it. Yeah, it's not good. Oh, all right. And last night we were drinking wine that was like you know made by a 73 year old virgin you know just some lady who lays in a field and birds come and dress

her every morning it's like oh or you're ill a treatment yeah or you're just drinking a psyop made by like you know big pharma in a can we're uh we're really fucked over there yeah we gave up a lot of uh oversight and just said oh yeah we'll trust these giant companies they they love us they want us to stay alive so that we can keep consuming their product and it's like nope dude they can go through us like a fucking butt grabbing festival yeah i had the only hope that i ever had fear is the mind killer dude it's all gung-ho. And then it was like, as soon as they started to age, they were like, whoa, whoa, whoa, no, Big Pharma might be cool.

Those guys might be cool, man. My dick is like so hard now. They saved eight of my toes. Yeah. Yeah, I love Big Pharma. I used to think that those companies would keep us alive because they wanted to keep milking us for our money. But I don't think that they give a shit anymore

because they made so much money already. There's so many of us. They don't need any particular individuals to stick around. They just need everybody to get hooked for however long. And then whenever you die, it's fine because there's some fresh meat on the rise. And then you go into the catacombs. You go into the catacombs, yeah.

You go into the catacombs, get finished off, join the bone collection, and then, yeah, the next generation is stepping up. They're ready to go. I would have liked to have seen one full skeleton. You know what I mean? That was kind of a letdown. A full skeleton at the entrance says,

welcome to bone town. I'm the mayor. Not a lot of variety in the bones. All skulls and femurs. I'm not complaining. Those are the ones you want. You know what would have been nice is a pelvis or two because a pelvis is so crazy looking. What did they do with all of them?

Pelvis is like a little magic orb. I didn't see one rib cage. And that's the classic. Yeah, rib cage. That's the xylophone. Those are sick. You're right. Yeah, what'd they do with those?

I mean, you guys told me we're going to the catacombs. And I thought I was going to be like, when you go and to Disney and they have that one like pirates ride, and they're like zombies. What is it? You know? And they're like. Pirates of the Caribbean. They didn't have any strings. There was no music or choreographed dance events.

There's no jokes. They should turn the catacombs into like a real slow. You know when like Willy Wonka takes him in the chocolate part? It's real scary. They should turn the catacombs into a ride. Yeah. They didn't have any fucking smoke machines or laser lights. Elvis could bring you there.

Yeah. I like the idea of giving a review of the catacombs and being like, they should diversify the bones a little more. Like mostly femurs, mostly skulls. Yeah. They had them somewhere. What'd they do with them? I don't know.

Ground them up to feed the horses? The whole thing was to get all of the bones out of the way. So they got them down there, or the ones that they kept. But where's the rest of them? And you said that you don't believe they were able to dig that deep. This is a problem I have. This is like a brain problem I have where i can't i can't imagine that you can dig tunnels you don't wait dude i mean hey one's here worried about what's gonna happen at parties

so i mean hey worried i can't figure out tunnels it's not that big of a deal we're all flawed we're walking down there and i'm like wait how did they do this before we had power tools? And like there was no ventilation. We put the ventilation in later on. How did they breathe? Holding flames. You know what, dude? Also, too, I thought the catacombs were from like the 200s.

When you guys told me about it, I was like, oh, yeah, this is like ancient Rome. I thought that, too, dude. I thought like Christ died and then the catacombs happened no it's from like the 1600s yeah my expectation in france was like i was gonna come here and hit like a da vinci code thing i'm gonna go to the louvre figure it out everything's gonna make sense so many cool ruse oh you didn't go to the louvre did you i went there but i couldn't go in why not too busy dude go yeah. The lines are insane. Yeah. We tried to go. I stood in line for the Pantheon, and I was like,

alright, I'm not doing that again. Oh, yeah, you went to... It'd be cool if I wasn't here on a videotaping mission. If I was just chilling, I wouldn't do shit around here. Yeah. I would literally just sit at the restaurants and stuff. Yeah. I think that's what we're going to do today. It's one of the best parts is the cafes.

You're on the street. See who's going by. Yeah. Have a smoke and some coffee. Tell a joke. Grab a butt. Grab a butt or two. Dance.

Love. Sing. Yeah, no, it's nice. And yeah, we're all like... Seeking your butt being grabbed instead of grabbing butts is nice. Tell people to grab your butt. Just taking your hands over your head being like, you honk me, I don't honk you. My hands are pure.

I've given up all agency. Anyone can grab. Come in here and wipe me too. Yeah, it's funny to see the way that a lot of Parisians live. When we were on the Seine, it's not all like tourists down there. It's a bunch of people that live there because that's a really nice thing. And they do a lot of those simple nice things

instead of always being like, I'm bored. I need to be stimulated and fucking, you know. Yeah, Zach was telling me there's no murders. No? Like did nobody, they don't have crime here like we have in Philly. They only have like knife crime, I in Philly. They only have knife crime, I think.

Yeah. Which only have. I mean, I don't think they have the random drug-related murders that y'all have over there due to abject poverty. Because there is a little social net here where everyone gets a little cash. Unless you're an immigrant. Unless you're here illegally. And then they really put the boots on you. I saw them on the train.

Yeah. The migrants. France is racist, dude. Yeah, I noticed that too. It's pretty wild. They want to get up our ass for owning guns and shit. And it's like, bro, we let them in. Guys, did they have slaves? Did these guys have slaves?

Did they have slaves? Dude, think about what they did in Africa. Cote d'Ivoire. They never had them here on the homeland. I'm sure they had. Who dug that hole? Exactly. Yeah. Right, cool. You think it was a bunch of French men twiddling their mustaches? Oh, so that's how they do it. had them here on the homeland i'm sure they had so who dug that hole exactly yeah right cool

no i think it was a bunch of like french men oh so that's how they do it they just do it and then that guy dies goes to the left he joins the bone collection right either way that makes sense it's he becomes the ladder the others climb down on right that's where the rib cages are andrew okay it's all making sense follow the money all right All right? Kiwi Bono. Yeah. Are you leaving still today? You're going to London? Yeah, I'm going to go to London, yeah. Nice, man.

That's going to be sick. Yeah, I haven't been yet. We're going to go in November. I hope you guys go everywhere. Yeah. We're doing it, man. Madagascar. I want to go to... Casablanca.

I want to go to Tasmania, dude. We should go everywhere that there's a movie. Madagascar, Casablanca, Cool Runnings, Jamaica. I call it Cool Runnings. They renamed it for that whole year that the movie came out. They're just going to think that I'm the recreation

of the coach. You land, they're like, he's back. You're the bobsled john candy was never dead is it time again the olympics are coming give a rousing speech they're coming here yeah paris 24 yeah i didn't realize that until you guys were talking about it yesterday or the day before i think the day after we leave is the rugby world cup oh yeah everybody had rugby fever yesterday everybody knew about rugby. I was like, none of you guys watch rugby.

What are you talking about? No. You're not rugby people. Why did you know that? I don't know anything about rugby. You guys look like you know a lot about rugby. We look like rugby guys. You were a rugby guy.

Played for a season, yeah. Yeah. I never got into it, but, yeah, told you that my college's rugby team was solid, and they threw great parties. So that's the only rugby memory that I have. I've never really gotten into it. I think that's everyone's rugby memory. Right, yeah, college, going to a party, getting your butt grabbed,

and then you're out of it. Yeah, muddy dudes funneling beers. Yeah, they could fucking go. Chris Farley and Tommy Boy played rugby. That's right. I know that. Very good. Thank you.

They all have nicknames, too. This one, Chopper and Millwood. Bobcat. Zipper Jr. Head Cheese. Yeah, Tareen. That was some good head cheese yesterday. What do you think the best thing we've eaten here has been?

Rabbit Spam. Rabbit Spam. Rabbit spam. Rabbit spam was pretty good. Yes. Oh, nice. That thing last night was good. Dude. Yeah.

Fuck. That octopus was so good. I think it might have been the mosque, dog. The mosque was incredible. That pastilla, the couscous. Yeah. Or the kebab. I mean, I had a little bit of lamb and it was great, but I think the kebab was a little bit better.

And that was just, what, beef with some spices, and then the pastilla was incredible. Just swiping cheese on a piece of bread is like the ultimate as well. Yeah, the baguettes with butter and the croissants are tough to beat. And it's crazy. you'll just see so many people again the french are doing it it's not like they uh get over it that's their lives it's like you get up pretty early get coffee and uh baguette butter or some croissants and it's just fucking wonderful you don't uh that's not like a tourist experience. That's what they're doing here too, every day.

I'm going to miss this place. Boston's cool, right? Yeah, Boston's good. And they wait for you. Grab my butt, bro. Grab my fucking butt. There you go. There's some merch. Grab my butt.

Grab my butt, dude. Triple XLls with grab my butt on the back yeah the 3x pointing down we need to open a 3x store over here it's like come out come out from the woodwork come to us we know you think they're hiding yeah no they aren't here. No, but... What's the one guy? The fucking... Depardieu? Yeah, he's big old. Was he a great big fat person? There's a bunch of Depardieu's just hiding in their houses. They are shamed. You guys got to go out and do like a yak call.

They're shamed into hiding. They're in the sewers. Blow the horns of Gondor. Like Lin-Manuel. But yeah, I think we could do all right over here. I actually thought... Yeah, here maybe you only have a couple in the back so that the thins come in and pave the way. Do you have disdain when you see them?

Do what? Disdain for like the waifs and the rock star builds. No. We call it rock star build. Rock star? No. Is that like the Tommy Lee, like very spindly? Yeah. Yeah. You just always look tall even though you're like 5'3". Right, yeah, like the kid rock build. Rockstar? No. Is that like the Tommy Lee, like very spindly? Yeah.

Yeah. You just always look tall even though you're like 5'3". Right, yeah. Like a kid rock build. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. No, I don't begrudge anyone. Bonzo body.

Yeah, Bonzo body. Yeah. He's got it. I think they see me and they're like, gross. You know? I can't imagine what that would be like. They have disdain for us. Yeah.

For sure. And I know the trade-off. Like, yeah, you look good, but it's nice to eat what you want and be happy and i don't know if it's worth it to be like hot when you eat like a little nibble every day or whatever i think they just don't enjoy food like we do which is its own curse some some don't and then then they that i'm jealous of that because then they have it all yeah but have you ever met someone that doesn't like music? Yeah. Isn't that weird, dude?

Yes, it's very weird. Where you're like, they just have no fucking interest in listening to music. It's like, what do you listen to, audiobooks? You just listen to your fucking head? Yeah, if somebody didn't like to eat, that would fuck me up. Yeah. And they'd just eat whatever's around. Dude, you have the list like, oh, I had a cracker and some canned tuna today. And it's like.

This is going to fuck me up. So you're telling me I get hangovers from the poison in the beer. Cause I just drank way more beer and wine. Like I, if I did what I did last night in America, I would be fucked up right now. Yeah, bro.

I mean, we had two bottles of wine at dinner and then you had like five pints in an hour and a half right before bed. Same in pints too. I woke up today and was like, just chilling. Yeah. I literally think that the shit that we drink and the food too like we didn't eat a bunch of fucked up bullshit food yesterday yeah right you know we had like octopus and cheese

straight from the fromagerie we had some more of that amazing head cheese like the shit we're eating is just like so much better for us no vegetables which is that's the thing that's actually bad for you yeah you shouldn't eat vegetables or fruit no i had a smoothie yesterday at that market and i think it helped because it because again fruits and vegetables get fucking destroyed over in the states a lot of them don't have nutritional value so they can travel so yeah that's up for sure I was saying before yeah over here they put their foot down and they're like you can't poison us

you can't put a bunch of bullshit in there look don't poison us please as long as it's cheap as long as I can have a bunch of the poison at a nice price I'm into it look powers that be. The age of consent can stay 14, all right?

We'll let babies smoke, but don't put any poison in our food. And they're like, all right, that's fair. That works for us. Yeah, that dude from Kansas City was saying how they get paid less over here than America, but most things are a little bit more reasonably priced, and so it kind of works out. And we think that we're doing better. We might be able to make more money, but a lot of times people don't, and then they're fucked. We're fools.

Yeah. Yes, I'm making more. I make way more than my dad. Boss makes a dollar. I make a dime. Yeah. I'm not allowed to poop on company time. Wool meet my eyes.

I'm in the pleasure palace. What? You guys were riffing. I wanted to get involved. Oh, it's the same song? Yeah. Oh, okay. Yeah.

No, it's not the same song. I made my own song. You're doing your thing. I'm doing my thing. Ain't nothing but time over here. I think that I'm going to ask you guys to go get a saw to cut off my arm. And then we're going to go back to the catacombs and see if anyone can tell the difference. Sell it to the catacombs.

That's a hell of a specimen. Look at that. That's like a femur For the price of a humor There's two bones in there Let me guess Olna, tibia I think so, tibia and olna Olna radial

Where's the humorous Where's humorous Olna He trains wrestlers Alright so Andrew thank you for joining us on another episode of Chubby Behemoth Are we done? I think so

I think we did an hour He has to do his pod He has to call the boys Whoa I have to get a train I have to find my train ticket Where are we at Pat? Is that enough?

56 and a half minutes We can keep going Alright I thought you had to pot at one with your squad I told them I'm gonna find out later I told them that

we're running late so alright thank you for that I was starting to feel bad because I didn't don't feel bad about me at all I didn't like me

well I didn't like the idea of us taking up an hour and then you immediately having to do another hour we're just chilling this is just what we would be doing anyway just with microphones

yeah it's also cool we don't have to talk to Pat or Anthony it's pretty insane nice control and do another hour. We're just chilling. This is just what we would be doing anyway, just with microphones. It's also cool we don't have to talk to Pat or Anthony. It's pretty insane. Nice control. I always have a hard time with this. Nice bit of control. They're here, but we can't talk to them. Oh, yeah, and I broke that rule when I asked Pat what he was doing dicking around.

Well, it took Bonzo about eight minutes to get in that door, which was fun for us to watch. That's a nightmare, because I know what that feels like. Last night, I had trouble for the first time. Every other time, it was pretty easy. Maybe I had to do it twice.

Last night, it was like six times. I was like, I'm doing the same thing, and then it worked. Now it's in your head. Now it's never going to work. Yeah, now it knows. The door knows that it's winning. I wish I could just light a cig right in that window and just look out just straight parisian styley yeah that sounds nice yeah you guys have a killer view

it's not bad big windows is nice but man it's letting in all that summertime sun dude how hot are you up in that room are you in like a it's been getting broiled no it's been okay but uh it gets hot pretty quick so luckily you know you're waking us up and getting us out of here before it's like noon and one the hottest parts of the day but yeah it's tough to just be like oh yeah we'll just let that heat in and then i have a tiny little fan that kind of does something how was your zone over there last night andrew i'm chilling dude i could literally go to just be like, oh yeah, we'll just let that heat in and then I have a tiny little fan that kind of does something. How was your zone over there last night, Andrew? I'm chilling, dude.

I could literally go anywhere. I don't have a lot of the bigger guy problems that you guys have. What, like ruin by me? I can just fit there. Did the two cushions stay together? Yeah, man, nothing. I probably could have done one. I would have liked to see that. Just coiled, coiled like a dog tuck your tuck your snoot into

your tail bro what did you say last night when we got back about elvis polanski it wrecked me him yeah remember he was like yeah he probably lives in a world of paranoia you would never understand oh my god yeah that was so funny He has a He lives in a Is that it? He lives in a world of paranoia A level of paranoia Cause he just like

He's been calling me He's like We must hang out Then last night I'm like alright dude We're over here at Fade Hairbait Chalini Come through

And he just sent his His fucking peons He sent his backup squad Which worked out great He's testing you He is testing you This is the beginning I know He's seeing how. He is testing me. This is the beginning. I know.

He's seeing how far he can push me. We met Leo from Brittany. We met Evan from Kansas City. Not Matt, but... Or we met Leo. Evan's an agent. I mean, clearly an agent. Yeah.

Come on, man. You think he's a handler? The guy from Kansas City learned fucking French. Oh, Evan, yeah. Oh, no. I was taught it growing up. Dude, that guy's fucking... I thought you meant Leo.

Yes. Leo might be special ops, right Leo That dude doesn't add up No he doesn't Yeah there's a lot of breadcrumbs That don't lead back to any kind of house Yeah he's like oh yeah Now I got a French girl pregnant It's like what are you raising that child to be

An offering to Polanski I'm not well traveled in the United States But that facial structure from Kansas City guys I know He's also wearing a bucket hat We should ask him about the Chiefs I'm not well traveled in the United States, but that facial structure from Kansas city guys. Come on now. Bullshit. He's also wearing a bucket hat. We should ask him about the chiefs. And if he doesn't know about them,

then we know he's both. What? Among us. What did you, what did you, what did you say? Fuck. Oh,

who did you clock? The, the guy was telling you about his life and you were like oh so your dad's special ops and he was like that was in Baltimore this kid's like yeah I was educated in Geneva first of all you say educated I was educated in Geneva

and Mozambique I speak Japanese my parents live in Japan yeah and right away I was like so your parents are CIA and he was like great answer parents live in japan yeah and right away i was like so your parents are cia and he was like great answer yeah busted we're so good at this like so you didn't receive any training how to answer that question but there's a great book written by the cia called legacy of ashes that is just about how they suck so they wrote their own book about all the things they fucked up.

It's like a blooper reel. Really? One time they did a vampire scam. Well, I think it was somewhere in... Fake vampire? Somewhere in South America they did... This isn't the real thing. In South America. Yeah, for real.

I let this guy suck my blood. I saw true blood. It's just some dickhead from Baltimore. I need the book to see it, but at some point they were trying to coup somebody. United Fruit wanted to coup somebody down in South America, so they went on the radio and started putting out vampire warnings and tried to trick everyone in the country to think vampires were real. How little do they value the intelligence of South America?

This was like the 1953... Vampire hoax? Yeah. Whoa! They started out doing that stuff. I mean, that would work in America. KGB was laughing at them. Yeah.

The British were like, all right, I guess you guys could try that. Did it work? No, it's all failed. It's like Legacy of Ashes, so the book is all about the fuck-ups. They're fuck-ups. Yeah.

When did that come out? Recently? No, it's older. Oh It's like Legacy of Ashes. So the book is all about the fuck-ups. They're fuck-ups. When did that come out? Recently? No, it's older. Oh, I figured. But it's like from the CIA. Yeah. They have dudes that write books. Like there's one dude that I really like right now.

And he's clearly from the CIA. Yeah. He worked for the Washington Post. I think he went to Georgetown. And he writes books. He's about to do a JFK podcast. And he wrote a book on james jesus angleton he's like the head of counterintelligence during the kennedy era and he wrote a book about watergate but it's like all the what cia wants to like twist the history a

little bit like oh dude yeah there's more to the story but here's what it is this guy's definitely his name jefferson mor. He's definitely something. Yeah, that's from a random name generator. Jefferson Morley from the Washington Post. Yeah. I want to read Legacy of Ash. I bet Corky Romano's in that book. We try to make the world fall in love with Chris Kattan.

Like the exploding cigars for Castro and stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The painting a hole that looks like a tunnel on the side of a mountain hoping that somebody drives through it yeah yeah the roadrunner paradox well i think they do a bunch of weird like dude i think that they do 60 minutes like i'm crazy so i think like fucking i think they do upn what A little sedative for the poor. Yeah, but they did a, there's one called Patient Zero. And it's an old, I think it's 60 Minutes, where they did, they found the first guy with AIDS.

What? That's fake. It's impossible. Was it a Canadian pilot? No, it was like a blonde haired guy. He was alive? No, like they did a thing about like Patient Zero. This is the guy.

This is the reason there's AIDS. Imagine if he's a gay party animal. He liked poppers. Dude, if you weren't the first guy with AIDS and they blamed the whole thing on you. That's what I'm saying. AIDS was made in a lab. And then 60 Minutes was like, no, it's this guy. This guy was really partying.

He was burning a candle at both ends this guy fucked a pumpkin november 13th and next thing you know half the country is sick on his head they blame sam talent in like 2045 i was too young for like i remember aids was like big when i was little yeah you know on tv and stuff they. They always have, always with one character would have HIV. Remember the real world? The one guy that got HIV? Oh yeah,

everyone was scared to touch him. I was young and I was like, I heard that some dude fucked a monkey in Africa. That's what I heard. I was too young to think about dudes fucking monkeys. Yeah.

I heard that monkeys will come and like drag women into the bush and fuck them. Yeah, right. Yeah, like you can't be on your period in Africa because the monkeys will come get you women into the bush and fuck them. Yeah, right. Yeah, like you can't be on your period in Africa because the monkeys will come get you. You can't show estrus. I could.

Yeah. Grab my butt. Yeah. Hey, monkey. No, you know what's crazy is I used to think, all right, if you question everything, you're a nut. But man, if you, oh, I was going to say, I don't know if who would have first talked about it or if it's just common knowledge. But like the fact that the CIA does such crazy shit so that it sounds unbelievable. That's part of the psyop.

And they write a whole book out. You know what I mean? No, there's so many little things that add up to, okay, that's why. And the fact that if you have enough people who dismiss a bunch of shit, then they just kind of can't discern you know and truth from from fiction and so yeah there's there's more to it than just oh he's uh paranoid level of paranoia that you couldn't even comprehend yeah they're like lighting a bunch of houses on fire and they cover it up with smoke machines and it's like well that's not the smoke from the house on fire they made this on this is smoke machines here yeah yeah that guy tripped

into the fireworks factory with a lit cigarette yeah we gave him an exploding cigar no i can get it can get it can get crazy and it's it's it's tough to decide what you want to believe and what you want to dismiss and it's a lot i don't know uh what the answer is except to try and be happy and have some bread and cheese oh yeah you don't don't get bent out of shape about it you really can't do they're gonna do stuff yeah yeah yeah right we're toys in their chest and they're gonna open that box one day and say hey we're up here but until then i'm just gonna be a little cowboy like clash of the titans yeah what is that you ever see clash of the titans i don't think so the gods he's like oh

perseus and he gets the little guy gods he's like oh perseus and he gets the little guy and he's like i'm gonna play with him now oh gotcha yeah yeah that guy yeah those fucking gods up there laughing at us the gods must be crazy no no that's oh god you devil the gods must be crazy as an africa little black dude yeah and it's smiling i'd like to see that again we watched that as uh kids i couldn't figure it out when i was a kid it was always on comic central right that one and the one where george burns lives to be like he's like an angel or something yes that one was always god and the devil oh god you devil and on the cover he's both

or whatever do you remember the movie where the guy dies, but he gets to come back to life, but he can't fuck with it? He's in George Burns' body or something like that? I've got to look this back up. I can't remember. I'm not sure about that. What? There's a weird movie with George Burns about dying and coming back to life. Pat, Super Producer Pat.

No, no, no. I didn't mean look it up. I wondered if you knew. You're a big movie guy, Pat. Going back to jacking it. Look at that ball sack right there. I also might have these jumbled up memories

from being too old. Well, you know what movie? I'm thinking of Ghost Dad. Remember Ghost Dad? Yeah. Remember that? That was in George Burns. That was Bill Cosby.

Yes. It was the same thing, right? Like he's dead and he can see his family but they can't see him? This was like 80s. It was proto-Ghost Dad. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay. Hmm. That's not important. see his family but they can't see him this was like 80s because proto goes yeah yeah okay that's not important no let's figure it out we're gonna get to the bottom of this george burns was an op shane did a joke one not guy he like it was the funniest shit of all time we were watching 30 for 30 on espn he said larry bird was created by the cia and he got me and Billy going, he's like, you think that's real? That's a white guy. You think that really happened? Yeah, you think he was that good?

That got me. Yeah, white guy from Indiana who could talk a bunch of shit. Why does he keep making movies about him? Come on, man. Who would drink a bunch of Bud Heavies at halftime and like smoke half a pack of fucking Pal-Mals? Well, that's the podcast alarm.

We did it. Shedder's full. I think we should put this one out for free. Oh, right? I guess. As long as it's the second... You guys are benevolent kings. Oh, you're the man, dude. I'm so glad you came over here.

Thanks for helping me. Thanks for doing the pod. Check out pod uh if you don't already they all listen to his pod his pod's huge oh shit we're going handheld whoa ham held uh war mode rules they're just asking questions i've been a patron since like day one. It's one of my favorite pods. See me in Boston this weekend. Austin sold out so that's fucking cool. Indianapolis for Let's Fest. Skankfest.

Comedy Club Kansas City. Des Moines Comedy Festival. Tampa Bay. Just get the tickets at SamTalent.com That's a good idea. Chew your food. Oh and join our Patreon stupid. Now that it's a good idea. Chew your food. Oh, and join our Patreon, stupid. Oh, yeah, now that it's a free one, yeah.

Yeah, join our fucking Patreon. Patreon.com slash Chevy Behemoth. We got all the hot apps. We got all the hot videos over there. He squeezed me. Poiseuvoir. You grabbed the front, now you got to grab the butt. That's all I'll say.

All right.