Chubby Behemoth - SwapCast with Ran So Far w/Blake

Episode Date: December 4, 2023

SPONSOR: Support the show & get 20% off & free shipping at https://www.manscaped.com when you use the code CHUBBY BONUS EPISODES: https://www.Patreon.com/chubbybehemoth   This week the boys are doing a swap cast with the Ran So Far w/ Blake guys, Ran Barnaclo and Blake Hammond. They discuss Almond Joys for breakfast, doing a sober show, underwear stank, and lady and the tramp-ing. They also talk wrestling themes and what Bubba Sparxxx means to Sam.     Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth

Anyways, like I was saying, people say Chick-fil-A hates gay people, but they sell salad. Okay, man. What a fucking nightmare you turned out to be today. Hi, welcome back to Rant So Far with Blake. I'm Rant. And I'm Blake. Hi. And we got people in here.

Two guys who are being stoic for no reason. I thought you were going to introduce us. That's what it is. No, no. All right. Yeah. Okay. I thought you were going to introduce us. That's what it is. No, no. All right. Yeah. Okay. No.

Let me show you how a podcast starts. Hey, everyone. Thank you for tuning in to Chubby Behemoth, America's number one home for laughter and mirth. We are joined here today by two young upstarts, some up-and-comers over here in the Queen City of the River. Ladies and gentlemen, keep it going for JFL. I'm 40.

I sent a tape four times. Wim Barnaclow, everyone. It was five. I it going for JFL. I'm for you. I sent a tape four times. Ran Barnaclow, everyone. They're not going to have him. Five times, five views. And hey, over here, we've got Ran's friend. Oh, come on, man. We're so glad to be here in the natty. There's a cat in that bag.

Let it loose. Hooters. That cannot be the way you start a game. I've also gotten denied from JFL. Yeah. No shit. Of course. Look at you.

Did you do it? Your penis is on the front. I haven't submitted. I've done a couple of live auditions, and the man in the fedora just kept walking right back. They always do. He's head down. No thank you.

He got kicked out for saying it. He went harder than any comment. Oh, yeah, he did. He, thank you. He got kicked out for saying it. He went harder than any comment. Oh, yeah, he did. He was blasting ends. He got spooted. He was blasting ends. He thought he got a G pass because he had a black hat on. Yeah, I didn't know that dude.

I didn't know who he was. I was at Limestone, and he was just a guy in a fedora to me. But he, like, walked by me. He goes, hey, that was a good set. And I was like, fuck off. You know what I mean? You're a guy in a fedora. Fuck off.

Yeah, of course. He lashed out at a compliment an older man was nice to you i don't know i didn't want fedora guy to like me you know what i mean it's not for you yeah my comedy's for skaters if you don't work at bc then keep moving kickflips only so yeah that's how you start a pod all right okay keep gunning the camera If you don't work at BC, then keep moving. Kick flips only. So yeah, that's how you start a pod. All right? Okay. But keep gunning the camera.

I always do. Yeah, look at you. Just barreling it. Yeah, when everybody's talking, I like to do this. That's good. You know, guys, we are joined here today by the one and only Blake Hammond and his brother. And his brother is wearing a shirt with their dad on it. So it's perfect.

Oh, I wish. That'd be sick. This is so much fun, guys. Thanks for joining us on our pod. Yeah, thanks for coming to my podcast, guys. Shit rocks. Down here in the abandoned mental ward on Dalton and Flint. I don't even know what this place was.

What was this place, Beans? Stacy? This is where they measured the black guy's head. That's good for the algorithm. No, it isn't. Oh, you want to do that too? Let it do it. I ate my dinner off a leaf.

I have four wives and all of them queef. What was their song last night? I don't know. Slop what? Probably not good. Sop jacket. Sop jacket. Sop jacket.

He's wearing it now. Yeah, because he had a wet sweatshirt. He was slick. No, what happened was. Unchanged undies last night. Oh, yeah. He let it ride. And today, yeah, I fucking put it on butt.

Guy had Jonathan wet butt when he went up last night jonathan lewis wet butt yeah uh there it was there was a lot of like mold growing in my undies i had to i slept in them again last night and i woke up today good for you pig man use the toilet and i went oh and i had to hop in the shower before it came abused the toilet oh you wouldn't have showered. So Rand's friend, what's up? Nothing, man. He hates that. And I'm not his friend.

I am his guest on the podcast. Oh! Finally admits to the label he was given. He likes it now. Yeah, it is nice. He does like it now. It's nice to feel warm because you ask me every week. This is part of your community. Actually, I don't. You just show up. It's nice to feel warm because you ask me every week. This is part of your community.

Actually, I don't. You just show up. It's good because you keep changing addresses, too. I'm trying to get away from this. Yeah, get away. Well, he has that tracker he installed in your gold tooth. It's an air tag. So now this is good because if I want to talk to you, I have to go like this.

And this is really good. Don't look at him. Just look at the microphone. Usually on the pod, I sit like this. Yeah, cannonball style zone yeah guys i gotta say i'm such a big fan of both shut the fuck up you just said it cunty anytime you start a sentence with guys i gotta say it uh breaking news i'm all in well you're the only one. No, that's not true.

Damn. Loved you. Say his name. Damn son, his name. Say his name. Put that sound drop in there when I say his name. No, he doesn't have any power anymore. That's true.

And he loved me. He said that was the future of saying it. He said no one said it like me. You're why he got in trouble. He was doing an impression of me. Sam Talent just said in the car the other day. You know what? They got to give us one of them.

Excuse me? Let us have one. What do you mean? Give us a slur that we can say. We got one. You shouldn't say they should give us one of them. Yeah me? Let us have one. What do you mean? Give us a slur that we can say. You shouldn't say they should give us one of them. That sounds like America's great shame all over again. We've been waiting forever. We've got to take it back.

Yeah, four white guys that look like us talking about getting one of them. Let us have one. It is weird to be the guy in the best shape on a podcast for once. Oh yeah, you're so healthy. You are every week. It is weird to be the guy in the best shape on a podcast for once. Oh, yeah. You're so healthy.

You are every week. Oh, yeah. Well, when he walks in and fixes a mic, he's got those little fucking, what are those called? Scallops? Yeah. Striations? No, he has scallops. What are those muscles you got called?

That's my name. Cum gutters. Cum gutters. No, cum gutters are by your penis. Obliques, stupid. Obliques! God, I have them too. What?

They're in there. Pop them out. Your obliques are just tombs. They call me Joe Mixing It Up. Why? Because when I get in the cut, the whole set steps to it. Uh-oh. DJ, who did it?

Oh, yeah. You guys know what? Oh, you've been wigging out? He's a white. He's actually a white rapper. Wow. It's a dying breed. I know.

Yeah, it is a dying breed. He's not keeping it alive very much. No, no. Because every time anyone goes to battle him, he's like, hold on, let me fix the mic for you. Hold on. Hold on. If you're going to call me me gay let me hear it that's not your camera oh no which one do i play to you don't have one okay we play we play we play to the bean camp we play we play to this zoom in and let me show you the space do you remember when we were laughing really hard about

the roll that beautiful bean footage dude remember that commercial yeah we're talking about it in the car you're're about to go. I said, roll that beautiful bean footage. And we were like, what was that from? And it was like, that commercial, the beans. The guy, the whole thing is that the guy says, I'm the only one who knows the secret recipe to the family fortune and our bean empire. I actually, I told one person, but he's not telling. And then they show the dog.

And he's like, roll that beautiful bean footage. The dog dog talks and so the whole thing is that he fucked up i like thinking about the end of the commercial is him going wait you can talk what the fuck he's just like the next commercial there's just a dog stuffed head a fucking dog can talk hi i'm jeremy bush from Beans. My dog just died in an accident with my gun. He goes, you should do that on stage. And I was like, what are you talking about? Remember that commercial? Remember that old ad? And the whole punchline is, not a fucking dog can talk.

Oh, fuck! What the fuck? You talk? My dog? That was one of those in the car tired you found out the dog could talk in the commercial where he's like i've never told anybody except for him he ain't talking and it just pans down and the dog's like this guy fucked me but the dog says in the accent? You do that. In a world. The dog. The dog. The dog fucked me.

Is that your Chinese accent? They sound like all kinds of ways. They don't all sound like the one thing. That is true. We've got to mix up the impressions. He swallows them. He guts them. We've got to mix up the impressions. He swallows them. He guts them. I like to gut them.

I used to put them in my pocket. Yeah, he used to have a spit pocket, man. What about the top of the container? You can put them in there.

You can put three of them in there. No, no, no, no, no, no. There's no top. Is there just a bunch of teeth in there? What are you talking about, brother? I'm thinking of a competitor.

Sorry. Sorry, Zinn. Lucy brand. Just spit them on the Sorry. Sorry, Zinn. Lucy brand. Just spit them on the ground. We're Zinn. Some of them, the top is a little secret compartment. And that's Lund's chalk hand update. The fucking Lund can talk?

Yeah, he does. What the fuck? I've seen him before. I've told him all my seekies. I'm going to tell everybody what you did. He's the bush dog. Yeah, he is. I got to him before. I've told him all my seekies. I'm going to tell everybody what you did. He's the bush dog. Yeah, he is. I got to fuck him.

I've been doing that joke about fucking dogs, and I don't think old people like it. What do you mean? Why would they hate it? I think a lot of old people used to get fucked by dogs. Like they used to get fucked by dogs? I think that was a thing. Like in the 30s, when people were running through the streets and chasing hoops. They were waiting for bread lines.

Yeah, I think there were packs of feral dogs who would just come and get Grandpa. Oh, Janice got fucked by a dog. I was waiting at the bus stop and a German shepherd fucked me. Waiting in the bread line. That's right. Your grandfather wouldn't marry me until I went to church.

I wasn't technically a virgin anymore because I got pumped by a pack of Rottweilers. I came so hard. That's the problem. Now a man can't satisfy me. After you get a twisted little pink tornado inside of you, you're doomed. Oh, no. Not the sweat side.

I'm sweaty. Oh, no. It's hot in here. Guys, the gusher. Maybe I should put my hoodie back on. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Really confusing.

Really. Yeah, hot coffee under a light. Trick your body into thinking it's cold. Yeah. Really confused body. Yeah, hot coffee. Under a light. Trick your body into thinking it's cold. Yeah. I had a bunch of almond joys. He did. You horked almond joys? I had one out there. Is that okay? I don't know. Ask your

doctor. Call my wife. Call my wife. She's not going to answer. His wife is my doctor. Yeah. Hey, stop having fun in New Zealand. I'm sweating. No, I know I always sweat, but it's like worse. She's not going to answer. His wife is my doctor. Yeah. Hey, stop having fun in New Zealand. I'm sweating. No, I know I always sweat, but it's like worse. It's a different kind. It stinks now.

It's red. The sweat's red. I'm sweating blood. Yeah. Whoa, big clouds. That's what they call me. We don't vape in here. Like I vape long again.

They make me talk like I did. I blame the vape factory. Oh, yeah? You go like this? Yeah. That's the voice of a man who jumped in a river for money. Well, guess what, y'all? Daddy's back.

Daddy never left. So you were doing a sober show last night. Okay. There we go. That's Blake's update. I don't know. It's just a bunch of fucking people that are so sad. I miss drugs.

Yeah, right. It's you. I can't do pills no more. Yeah, yeah. I mean, that's, you know. I miss my kids. You know what I mean? It you. I can't do pills, though, baller. Yeah, yeah. I mean, that's, you know. I miss my kids. You know what I mean? It sucks.

I don't know. It's not fun, but I paid a little money. If you had to pick pills for your children, which one do you take? Oh, they're both small, and I like them in my mouth. Oh, no. Uh-oh. Pedophile alert. Help me.

Help me. I'm a baby. I'm scared. Edit a bonnet and a pacifier Pacifiers attached to his crotch Yeah No, it's not, they're not fun Now, do you have children? No

No, he can't come, he comes dust I don't come dust They call him the brown clown Yeah Because he dusts out his butt i don't come dust yeah well they call him the brown clown yeah he dusts out his butt you don't come dust no it's like uh you remember uh in the 90s that fucking uh asian guy in wrestling that fan no yeah that fan that fan uh yokozuna's manager yeah he would he would it's it's like that not mr fiji you say it right yeah that's the apple man that's the apple man that's the water mr fiji uh yeah you would do he would throw that

salt he was japanese that's what it's like that's what it's like he was cambodian mr fiji was i don't know yokozuna was hawaiian i know samoa and hawaiian how are you saying it? Samoa. Is that how they say it? There's like an apostrophe. Yeah. I don't know.

I do a good Samoa. Yeah, he's been trying to get away with Samoan voice. I do a good Samoa accent. That's not how they talk. They do. They talk like the rock. Yeah, they talk like the rock. We are the earth.

We are the earth. We are the earth. No. the earth. We are the earth. No, you're mixing it with a different culture. The water is my mama. The water is my mama. The water is my mama. Yeah. Water is for girls.

Earth is for boys. Is that true? Duh. No, Mother Earth. You need to read a book. Mother Earth is for girls. Mother gave birth to. To.

Boy. Mountains. Oh. We want boys. We want boys. Name of the episode. We want boys. We were at Comedy Works last weekend for all these sold out shows and the host was Christy

Buechle. And you could tell that they did not want a woman. So we were just in the green room like listening to her struggle saying. We want boys. We want boys. This not want a woman. So we were just in the green room listening to her struggle. We want boys. We want boys. She's not a boy. Boys. I came to see some boys talk.

What the hell is this? What the fuck is she doing here? Was that a woman? Is that water up there? Is that water? She watered. We were earth. Who is that guy?

That's my friend. Is that the Colorado X? That's how we sound out there. Dude, hey, can I ask you something? No, moving along. Blake's turn. No, it's okay. I want to hear his dumbass question.

Go ahead, Rand. What's up with all the bums in Colorado? I-70 and I-25 go through there, and there's a bunch of train tracks. Well, when I was there like a year. Also, it's legal to hunt them. A lot of people who want a good way out. Surviving the game style. Because if you get killed by a rich guy from a tower, 30 grand goes to your family.

So it's like a nice thing they can do to ensure their family's lineage. The way you speak makes me believe you. No, last year I was there, you know, the post office downtown. Hold on, I'm still talking. Oh, long pause. He's trying to build something. No, go ahead. Last time I was...

Thank you. You were at the post office trying to mail yourself back to Cincinnati. I was trying to mail myself back to Cincinnati. They didn't have a cute enough box. I don't want to see it! Yeah. Just around the post office, there was just like some tents. And now like eight blocks is a full fucking tent city down there. there was a lady trimming a rose bush and there was just a guy

in a tent standing outside of her house like i want it was crazy trim me trim me trim me back to hell i got thorns trim me back to hell didn't he try to give one fish and he was like, no, I'm vegan. I tried to give him some fish and he was like, I don't think so. Why were you carrying fish around the street? Because I was like, just one giant fish. Why were you at the hobo jungle with a sturgeon? Because me and my baby were trying to sneak one back into the hotel for kissings. Oh, yeah.

We were going to fuck Peyton with a fish. We were trying. No. Yeah, Led Zeppelin style. Led Zeppelin style. I was going to bring a homeless back there. Oh, yeah. Me and Peyton were going to tag team him with our mouths.

You know, I saw Peyton the other day. She's getting fat. What are you talking about? Damn son of a... The skittiest person that's ever lived. That's the only reason it's okay to say it. It's clearly a joke. Yeah, whatever you're not feeding her, it's working.

Peyton. He's going to get so yelled at. No, I should get yelled at. No, it doesn't matter. He didn't stand up for her. Hit him. I did. Ah!

Yeah, you fucker. Oh, I'm not afraid. The beast is going to free. Change me. Change me. Well, that's the thumbnail. That's the thumbnail for the episode. This rant going down on sand.

Also, I have a tear in there. Did you see that? Yeah, and also the stank flew out. There's no stank. These are new undies, bro. Those pants ain't new and that butt ain't new. No. His butt's been around the sun.

That butt has been stained. You probably take a level five pipe gagger every time you sit down. My butt was in the band Stained. Mud Shovel was named after your butt. Mud Shovel? Mud Vain? Mud Shovel. Mud Shovel was the same song.

I don't know. That's why it's called butt rock. Don't say, I don't know that's why it's called butt rock don't say I don't know like that means that you're right yeah we're telling you

so now you know hey now you guys know what it's like to do a podcast with Rand hey guys frustrating he only listens

to the Baker 2 soundtrack 3G I don't know dude whatever sounds cool so anyway I saw Peyton

I wish I could talk more to her we have a fun DM exchange here and there. What? Yeah. Me too. I'm in there. Yeah.

I laugh at some of the stuff she posts. Potent. Peyton posted. He gets so mad. Let me see your phones. Your blog. I don't have one. Yeah.

When you guys break up in three weeks and then get back together in four, I'll be in there for that one week off. What do you mean? I'm like, hey, Peyton, it's me, a man you can trust. One that hasn't hurt you over and over. The guy that's never bit your back. That's not true. Yeah, because you were trying to climb her, but you didn't have any fingernails.

All the way up. On the knot. Don't talk about his twin flame like that. Yeah, that's my twin flame. I want you guys to get married so I can come to the wedding. Okay, we probably will. Because I want to meet your mom.

Like, I want to meet your mom when I'm not wearing a blindfold and she's sucking me up. I've never seen her face. Whoa. Oh, that's fucking stronger. I never thought to attack the women in his life. I always attack that his dad's not around.

Yeah, I don't care about my dad. He doesn't care about his dad. Because it doesn't hurt him. I know. He won't go 10 minutes without being like, my mom did a cool thing yesterday. Yeah, I love my mommy. She heated up my milk so it was the same temperature as her titty. No, you don't have to heat it if you just always have a bottle under it.

Yeah, I know. She's got huge flappers. Yep. She's got them. Okay, man. Shut the fuck up. She dumps them out. It's okay. She does, yeah.

Our fans will find her online and share with the world. She's not allowed on the internet after what you said about the president. Which president? Obama? Yeah. Well, it was good having both of you. What about the president? What? Yeah. Well, it was good having both of you. What am I going to do? What?

Come on! Oh, God. We got to fill some time. Yeah. Vamp, vamp, vamp. Condoms. Vampires? Put them on, fellas.

What do you got? You got vampire stuff? Dude, I fucking love vampires so much. Would you guys be a vampire if you could? This is why we don't have guests. This is Blake by himself, and this is probably how he met his wife. It's not how I met my wife. Would you be a vampire if you could?

I genuinely would. Yeah. Suck me. I think it's funny because they make it it seem like uh it's a curse because you have to live forever and be sexy yeah right and be yeah whatever there's probably some big fat vampires like me and kill me that's what i that's the that's the caveat i would i would get buff and then i would brother you should get buff now in case the technology comes along yeah but it's just have the vampire gun it's not real because vampires can die like eight different ways.

So you're not trading, you know, one thing for immortality. You could be a vampire until you didn't want to be anymore and be like, all right, I'm going to step outside and fucking get out of here. But it hurts so much. Who cares? You're done. Don't be such a fucking bummer, dude. It's not a bummer.

It's just actually, who wouldn't be a vampire? Let's attack this logically. As a vampire, you'd get all the perks and then whenever you're done. Wait, you can do Percocet when you're a vampire? Oh's attack this logically. As a vampire, you'd get all the perks, and then whenever you're done... Wait, you can do perk set when you're a vampire? Oh, yeah, man. No prescriptions. Oh, man. Sign me up.

You turn into a bat. The bat flies behind the pharmacy counter. You get what you need, and you fucking fly out. That bat was in a lot of pain. The pharmacist is like, oh, God, what the fuck? Take whatever you want. It's a bat with a fucking beanie and a dangly cross earring. Got lost boys here.

Blake would immediately get the cross earring. I would have dangly earrings. I would have a leather jacket. I would have a mohawk. You need to have a trihawk. Split in the middle. That's a good idea. Like the Legion of Doom?

Yeah, exactly. He's a vampire. You have to go of Doom? Yeah, exactly. Yes. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He's a vampire. He's psyched. Yeah. You have to go through so many fashion trends as a vampire. That's weird. No, you stay 1800s. No, no, no.

You can wear the big puffy shirt. If you wear 1800s shit around now, people are like, what's up with that gay weird guy? What's up with that magician? I'd be blackface. Yeah. Yeah. Finally. It's the only time you're safe.

It's the only time you can do it outside of your house. You're like, look, don't take this the wrong way, but I'm spooky. I'm a vampire, all right? Don't take this the wrong way, but I'm racist. No. This is supposed to be scary. It's not what you think it is. Yeah.

It's supposed to be scary, you know, like a black guy. No. It's like, well, then why did you say spooky? It's like, Jesus. Haunted. Oh, haunted. Ominous. Oh, haunted.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, okay. I actually am a vampire. Excuse me? Yeah, you guys didn't know that? You're a daywalker? It's in my bio. You're a daywalker?

I'm a day crab crawler. I can only be outside in the sun if I'm walking backwards, sideways. Dude, I don't think I'd be a vampire. I want to be a werewolf. They wouldn't take you. What do you mean? I would bite him. You'd be aware.

Badger. I take it. That's a new kind of thing I'd like to be into. I want to be aware. Rhino. What do you mean? People would be like, where'd that Rhino go?

What do you mean? Beeple? Who? Who are they? I thought you said Bebo would be like, who is that? Oh yeah. Well,

Bebo's my cage tent. Yeah. If you, if you were a fucking were-rhino in just wherever the fuck you live in Colorado, you would get shot immediately by a sandwich lord. Doesn't matter. What do you mean? I have diamond hard skin. Diamond hard skin. Didn't even take that into account.

Yeah, you don't know about rhinos? Yeah. They can't be shot. They're God's perfect killing machine. They die all the time. No, they never die. By the sword. It's like a vampire. They die when they want to. Yeah, you don't know about rhinos? Yeah. They can't be shot. They're God's perfect killing machine. They die all the time. No, they never die. By the sword. It's like a vampire.

They die when they want to. Yeah, you have to poison it. They walk out and they choose to die, yeah. Wait, I think you can shoot a rhino with a big enough bullet. You're stupid, though. What? Yeah.

Who are you? Me? I'm your worst nightmare. Yeah, I would be a were-something. What do you want? What? You want a drink, then? You would be Where's Waldo.

He got your fucking big chest. Because the industry can't find you. That's all right. Yeah, there's a bunch of people around me puking. I introduced Rand to my manager this weekend, and Rand sack tapped him and said, Paris. Where's your fedora? I said, unless you're saying it, I'm not interested.

You're not saying it, I'm not signing it. I want a guy that's like me. You better say it or I sign it. What do you got there, buttermilk? Yeah. That's the thing of buttermilk. Buttermilk and Monster, so I can wake up. Some melted frosting.

Yeah, I take two butter milks in my Monster energy drink. Hot Monster. Hot Monster. Doing it again for the Hot Monster. Having gay sex with a man. Hot Monster. That's redundant. No, it isn't.

It has to be with a man. I've decided it's only gay in the moment you're doing it. You're not gay the rest of the time. No, no sex is gay. You're just a dude committing a gay act. Yeah. It doesn't define you. Nobody's gay or straight until they're actually in the act of sexual intercourse.

Schrodinger's butthole. Schrodinger's butthole. While you're in there, you're gay. Sign it. Legalize it. You know how we're going to make money this week though Lund shilling for some corporate overlord not corporate overlords

we're gonna shill for the great people over there at Manscaped oh our corporate friends yeah they're our buddies they benefit us little cuties yeah they did change our promo code from chubby to tubby so that hurts

dang I'm kidding hey Lund put smooth balls on your Christmas list this holiday season. I don't want any. Oh, my own. Okay. Gotcha. They're being cute and I missed

it. I missed the boat shed boat. Hey, Creech. I know you haven't seen these in a while, but check it out. And then your balls are like shiny. Just like little pearls fresh out of an oyster's valve. She can see her face. Yeah, exactly.

In my shiny balls. It's like two chrome doorknobs. Ah! Ah! What's happened? She flips out. Where's your penis? God only knows. It's floating down the river. It's an art project called Dick Boat Dick.

Call this Balls Dick Falls. How do you get the beans above the frank? Damn. Manscaped's new performance package 5.0 Ultra has everything you need to make your package look smooth and raw. What? Raw. It says look awesome, but I'm punching it up. Raw-some. Yeah. Raw and jaw-some. It comes with a

lawnmower 5.0 Ultra body trimmer, the Weed Whacker 2.0 ear and nose hair trimmer, their crop soother aftershave lotion, and crop preserver ball deodorant. I'm not using any of that shit. That's all you need. Oh, use it.

You're going to use it and you're going to like it. Now, do you know what I do? I get some real good honey and I cover my fucking, yeah, I just cover up my bush with it. And then I go into the pet store and I crack open the ant cage and I say, feast, my little friends, feast. And they get all tangled up in there and they can't eat all the hairs. Then I go, that's right, to the gecko cage. And I say, who's hungry for dessert? And then the gecko eats all my sandy, anti-honeyed up pubes.

You don't need to do that. That's old school. Yeah, that's old, dude. Get this manscape shit. they're also throwing in two free gifts super comfy boxers and a travel bag to store your stuff i can put my dick and balls in a bag check your dick and balls check them at the door um i have been using the manscaped uh face shaver on my face and it's been going very well i shave shave every three days. I'm a big fan of it. But if you want your balls to look like my face, you should order the Lawn Mower 5.0 Ultra Brody Trimmer.

You can use it on your back. You're fucking hairy. You are too. You're catching up. Am I? You're getting hairier. Damn, because I've been marveling at just how carpeted you are. Yeah, I've been thick for a long time.

Pat's not hairy. Pat's got a cute little hairl long time. Pat's not hairy. Pat's got a cute little hairless butt. Pat has no butt. Me too. He and I both have no butt syndrome. Maybe you guys have the same dad. We have toast butt. Oh, your dad's dick penis. Whoa. It makes sense.

Your dad's dead. Sorry. He never got to meet him. He kind of sucked. We have little toast butts. The Lawnmower 5.0 Ultra got to meet him. He kind of sucked. But yeah, we have little toast butts. The Lawn Mower 5.0 Ultra truly does it all. It comes with two blade heads, a standard trimmer blade, and a foil blade for your dermis.

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Why? Because she won't look at you anymore. Why? Because the lights are off in her eyes. Help me, I'm still floating. Oh, that's a tattoo you have? What? I only see the rose hand.

I never see the other one, the turkey hand. That's a turkey. What is it? Gobble, gobble. Thanksgiving came early. What is that animal? It's a panther. It's a panther.

Huh. It looks like a donkey. What don't you see? It's like a donkey or something. Donkey with fangs? That's actually so cool. Sharon was like, I'm going to get a hand tattoo instead of having a personality. I had to cover up Chinese symbols that I got when I was 19.

Oh, yeah. It was Zildjian, right? Yeah. I thought you were going to get sponsored. Get me. Come on. Chubby Behemoth. Don't hog on it.

What did they say? I'm gay. Bad and good. What? Bad and good. I was 19. I had $180, and I was like, let's get our hands done. Yeah, you kick-clipped all the way down there.

I did. Yeah, I probably did. You probably manualed all the way. Came in there, I was like, this is the only spot that isn't scarred. Meanwhile, Peyton was in third grade. I mean, my young girlfriend was in third grade. She's 30. I know.

I'm 46. I'm 40. I'm 46. You guys need to get that Dan guy on here. No. Yeah, get Dan. What's his name? Friedman.

Yeah, get Dan Friedman on here. My mom said, if I'm not third in Call of Duty in the world, I can't live here anymore. Dude, he said something. Oh, there's this painting that somebody made at Go Bananas, and it's Lady and the Tramp, and they're tramping a line of cocaine. Whoa. And they tried to, it's from like the 90s, and they went to give it to Dan. They were like, here, Dan, you can have this for your house, because there's a bunch of

prints of it. And he legitimately said, I don't think my mom would be cool with me hanging that in the house and i was like get the fuck out of the office remember when he showed up dressed as elvis oh no he's dressed he does dinner theater oh i'm sorry there's an explanation mea culpa don't worry i did not know that. He was getting paid. Yeah, on a train. Like Murder Mystery? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Bro, he showed up to Nanner's one night after the show, slick back, leather jacket, like chewing on a toothpick, walking around like he was investigating a crime scene.

He's like, what are you guys talking about? Yeah. He's like, uh, Sam, what's going on over here? What are you guys doing, making mama's gravy? He was trying to get into the character and also show off to all of us but what he didn't realize is we all thought he was gay what was he like pony boy if he survived basically yeah he was like what am i doing and we were like what are you? Are you a deaf Italian guy?

I got a sausage in my butt. I've got a sausage in my butt. That's what Geta is. That's what he said. He walked in. He said, I've got a sausage in my butt. And we were like, eat it. He was like, I don't know if my mom would like that. Remember when...

Yes. My mom's a vegan! He was like, I don't know if my mom would like that. Remember when... Yes. My mom's a vegan! Remember when our friend thought his girlfriend was his mom? Yeah. That was one of the greatest...

He was hanging out with his girlfriend at Brua, and she was like, it's so nice. It's so nice that you brought your mom. No, it was at New Year's Eve. Oh, right. And they had bottles of champagne, because we have a bunch of just leftover swill, and he was holding one, and he was standing next to his girlfriend. And she was standing there like this. All right, maybe blur my face.

Because if he ever figures out how to use his phone, he's going to fucking kill me. He ever gets more data. Yeah. If he ever gets minutes put on his fucking cricket, he's going to kill me. Yeah. And Anna walks up and she goes, oh, my God, Dan, it's so nice to meet your mom. Is this your mom? And he's like, it's my girlfriend.

Fucking Anna. His girlfriend has COPD. That's what I was saying. You can't be a girlfriend with emphysema. You've got to be a wife. You've got to be a wife. You've got to be terminally ill. You've got to be a wife.

At the very least, you're a lover yeah yeah you either got to be completely single and lonely with copd with sex a roommate with sex but if you get a just a terminal you're on the tank if you're on the tank you got to be a wife yeah yeah you got to put a ring on her before she's just fucking chain smoking cigarettes next to her, too. She is, too. She does, too, still? Yeah, they rip cigs and he's like, buy me an Xbox. I want to play my games. It's crazy. It's crazy. Once I get my Mustang fixed, I'm getting back on the road.

I'm getting some pussy. That guy. I would love in the art, not for her because she has a terminal illness but i would love if he came to the club one day he was like i cheated last night i'd be like who is this gutter rat i fucked a prostitute i didn't wear a condom i ate her out is copd the one where you have to get your back slapped? Is that something else?

No, that's a baby. You're thinking of a baby burp. No, no, no. There's something where you're super congested and you have to get, like, thwacked on the back. With a brick. That's World War I medicine, bro. Yeah, you're talking taffy, man.

Is that trench foot? Yeah, you're talking fucking trench heart. I don't know what it is, but- Chronic something pulmonary disorder. That's just a eh-eh. No, it's your heart can't- Your lungs don't work hard enough to make your heart work, so you're just slowly constricting and dying.

Bitch lung. And the best way to get through it is a bunch of Benson and Hedges 200s. Smoke them like tux. Smoke your way through it. Yeah, that's what got you in. You got to train your lungs. You got to go to a doctor. Yeah, Dr. Feelgood. got you in. You got to train your lungs. Marry to a doctor. Yeah, Dr. Feelgood.

Who wants some pills? Okay, don't do that voice. It's not on my cast. Who wants some of them pills? Yeah, dude. Blake does. I do. Yeah, Blake can't wait to start doing pills again.

You and Connor just like, I sucked a bunch of hog for a fake crash. I gulped a bunch of pipe for soap shavings. What are you going to do? you get beat sometime in the street it turns out one time i thought a pill was my tooth yeah connor's bit lisa that no lisa that uh connor would be like man how do you how do you not bomb you know it's the worst and he was like you suck dick for crack. Bombing? Who cares? You've been through hell. Just wear it on stage now and then.

Why would you even? I was like, that's a testament to how bad bombing is. Yeah. When you've gone through a bunch of crazy shit. And you forgot about sucking a man's dick. Yeah.

You suck that dick, afterwards you get crack. You're like, God, nobody gives you crack after you bomb. After you bomb, you get nothing. I would say people,

you can get crack. They put a pencil in the crack of your butt. Putt? Yeah. That's you crack after you bomb. After you bomb, you get nothing. I would say people, you can get crack after you bomb. They put a pencil in the crack of your putt. Putt? Yeah. That's your pants putt. What? In the crack of your putt. I'm a putter.

Did you ever commit any lewd acts for pills? No, I stole. I stole something. Were you one of these guys that like ate four Percocet once then found Christ? Or were you like actually cool? No, I was cool That is the sweat side we're not sweating A couple dry motherfuckers over here

If I was your child I would be defiled I was fucking up my life It was a bad scene But it was fun Do you ever think about getting back on him for the bits Yeah for the bits that I couldn't do. No, just be on stage being like, oh, it's pretty sleepy in here.

Pretty sleepy in here. Blame the environment. Oh, these lights are so bright. I'm wanting to be tired. There's so much energy in this room. I'm exhausted. You should do one of those sober things while just pilled up. Just up there clearly nodding, being like,

but that's when I found my higher calling. It was pills. I don't know why they asked me to do them. If you guys want to buy a sticker of me, give me some copper. You can pay me in catalytic converters. You can pay me in catalytic converters You can pay me in catalytic converters They got precious metals in them People are like get that motherfucker off the stage

Just hit your mom's purse and take some stuff out And I'll take it Plus we don't need you wearing a hoodie with the frayed cuffs And chewing on it Chewing on it And the snotty sleeves You have your invader zim on with the holes cut for your thumbs Oh yeah the hole thumbs

I used to do that I think Kurt Cobain started that right Body sleeves. You have your invader's dim on with the holes cut for your thumbs. Oh, yeah, the hole fums. Yeah, dude. I used to do that. I used to have the hole fums. I think Kurt Cobain started that, right? I don't know. I don't think he did. It was Avril Lavigne. You're thinking of Avril Lavigne.

Do you think of Avril Lavigne? I think about her all the time. Yeah. She's still out there. I don't know who that is. Are you fucking kidding me? You had a poster. You were a skater boy.

Yeah. That's always about you. You were actually aater boy. Yeah. That's always about you. You were actually a skater man. I was 34 when she came out. She's screaming. Mom, my diaper's wrecked. You were 35 when that song came out. I'm 41 and I know about her.

You're some 41. She was with the dude from Some 41. She was. They were Canadian. Yeah. One can't reach. Canadian was. They were Canadian. Yeah. One can't reach. Canadian love. Look at that.

He just, the table starts dripping. Yeah. Melting like a dolly clock. Yeah, it's slime. I feel like I'm in a fucking interrogation. I feel like a cop's about to come in and be like, where were you? What'd you do with the rubies? Where's the gun?

Yeah. Where's the girl? Boys, what happened to all those sandwiches that was for the captain's retirement party why'd you have him in here we have it on tape i thought you wanted some fingerprints on the sandwiches but we ate them a little rat man came in and three flipped over the sandwiches and the three you ate them you go to jail for an eating related crime yeah i got something you can eat in here yeah but yeah penis i would rather uh not if i may astute here here it up oh yeah marty last night freaked out and uh threw a drug addict out of the show

oh yeah he didn't freak out he actually didn't do anything until I was like, Marty, please. We're filming a special. God damn it, Marty. Yeah, Marty gives a lot of chances, but I've also seen Marty body slam a dude in the fucking hallway. Marty used to wrestle, dude.

He's like, Marty's a fucking rock, man. Was he wrestling with crab claws? Uh-huh. Ow. Ow. I was like, hey, that's Marty, everyone. He owns this place. Everyone cl crab claws oh i was like hey that's marty everyone he owns this place everyone clapped and i was like and they own pacific kitchen upstairs and he was like no we don't i was like oh i'm so sorry i said marty if i knew what kind of asian you were i would offer to commit seppuku. Taiwanese, they don't do that.

No, they don't. What are the Taiwanese? Taiwan off. Opium. Is that true? Yes. He's actually a quarter Taiwanese. Yeah.

We don't recognize Taiwan on this podcast. Well, I do. Sorry. I love it. And as a matter of fact- No, no. Shut up. The algorithm says we have to recognize China.

Is that true? It's true. Why don't you- Well, they'll be taking over. Go with China. There's more listeners in China than Taiwan have to recognize China. Is that true? It's true. Why don't you... They'll be taking over. Go with China. There's more listeners in China than Taiwan. Hello, China. Taiwan never fucked X-Pac. Oh, yeah.

That was good. That was good. I love that. Hey, man. I love that. I'm the bad boy in the pod. What was his song? How did his song start?

Are you ready? I fucked her. Are you ready? I fucked up. Are you ready? His DX song was different. The DX song did that. His was like, big star. X-Pac. You think you can tell us what to do?

He had a black guy instead of the Rage Against the Machine ripoff that was the DX theme. Well, Ass Man I had stuck in my head all this week. Oh, yeah. I'm an ass man. That shit rocked. Now, I like to kick him. I like to suck him. Yeah.

What the fuck? Remember? That was it. Was it suck him? No, but you know. Was it kick him, kiss him, love him, lick him? Kick him, kiss him. Love him, lick him?

Stick him? Stick him. The last one might have been stick him. I think it was stick him. That was the attitude era, baby. Suck my dick. Yeah. I used to try to do that on stage but you know not everybody watched but it was so it's such a weird time to look up the lyrics don't cold say the X saying suck our dick yeah Sable was getting like a

sexually assaulted all the dumping him out she was showing hole how about Trish Stratus didn't say you just get arrested? Yeah. She's in prison. She's in prison forever for killing an old man. Oh, no, dude. It's worse. I love to love them. I love to kick them. I love to shove them.

Shove them. I love to stick them. All right. We were right on stick. Hold on. Love to flaunt them. Love to watch them. I love to pick them.

And I'm going to kick them. You just kick twice in eight bars? Because I'm an ass them. He's kicked twice in eight bars? Because I'm an ass man. Yeah, kicked twice in eight bars. It was a crazy time. So many asses in a little time. Only a tight one can stop me on a dime. Well, I don't think that they ever got that far in the song. He would come down to the ring and then he's in there

fencing everyone. And Road Dogg is screaming over it. I have dreads! White dreads! I'm an eagle-eyed cherry! Is he? Yeah. Road Dogg, Jesse James? Uh-huh.

He roadied for them. He was a road dog. Oh, you didn't know? That's how that started. Now, now, now. You're asked to call somebody! That's how our podcast should start. Oh, man, that is true. Yeah, no, instead of You're a medical somebody. That's how our podcast should start. Oh, man, that is true.

Yeah, no, instead of him doing a weak joke. That was all right. Ow! Take it easy. Come on. Oh, yeah. I softened it up. I'm sorry. This little creep has been punching me all day.

And then you touch me. You're breaking his back. You talk about my bitch. You talk about the women in my life. You get fucking rolled on. You talk about your bitch. I brought up your mom. Am I your bitch? He's talking about me. Oh. No, no, me oh no no no oh no go ahead he's fair game whoa through the whole chug away i'm done he dunked it i've gone on the record saying blake's funny and that you're

funny and it hasn't benefited me at all yeah let's get it together and we've also said that you're really funny and it hasn't benefited us at all oh yeah it has because i'm up there saying i love these guys. They're great. You're not doing that. Yeah, I do. I'm like, I love Blake. Blake Ham Man. Well, yeah, you got him a thousand followers. You made me meet a manager that hated me.

No, he didn't. He was like, I really like your vibe. You're really spitting out that truth sauce. Yeah, I know. He told me you held him down and licked his face. Yeah. That's called the gentleman's kiss. I manage you.

The gentleman's kiss. I manage you! The gentleman's kiss. Who manages the managers? Who watches the watchmen? Yeah. No cops, no managers. No pants for you. He yanked him. He threw him outside.

I did that Dwight Howard yank and suck. What is that? You don't know about him? Oh, yeah. He sexually assaulted two men, I believe, in a hotel room. In China? No, in America. In China? Yeah.

Dwight was playing in China, wasn't he? Yeah, but this was a while ago. He doesn't sound like he was playing. He's dead serious. He held a man down and sucked his penis. What the fuck? Allegedly. Held his thighs. Dude. Guy couldn't get away from the thigh hole.

He was like, the mitts. I'm so hard still somehow. What if dwight's just slurping him fucking soft holding the man down and trying to get him hard you love it help me there was a guy allegedly who used to run the wichita loony bin allegedly so this is a true story well i don't know but apparently someone who used to work there Went to prison Because he pillow sucked a guy He pillow sucked the feature

One weekend What he put a pillow over He went in there He was like this big fat guy It's like air boarding And he climbed on top of him And fucking held a pillow Over his face

And then sucked him off That's kill your meemaw style Yeah That was in the condo That's nice that they put the feature up Yeah He was on the coucho. That's nice that they put the feature up. He was on the couch.

It was a pull out. It was the loudest suck off of all time. No, it was the quietest. Because the guy couldn't scream. I'm being sucked. Yo, do you want to try to do Okay, relax. Do you want to do Sad Italians on this? Do they know about sad Italian?

Oh, yeah. I love it. Let's do it. Do you want to do... Let's do some of your old bits. Let them do it. Let's do some retread stuff you guys do. No, it's a thing every week.

Yeah, yeah. Let's do it. He's a really good sport. He's being mean. No, no. You're being about my little joke I told at the beginning of the podcast where Ran gets mad at me. I tell it because it makes him mad.

Hey, if you want to do your rejected Bob and Tom jokes on your pod, that's fine. It's already one of his bits. Okay, do you have a sad Italian? Do you not know how it goes? Yeah. You just say something sad, maybe a traumatic thing that happened to you. In an Italian accent. And do it to the camera.

So who wants to go first? When I was a baby. Oh, nice. Nate's going to go. When I was a baby. Oh, nice. Nate's going to go. When I was a baby, my papa didn't hold me. He didn't want to even look at me. He'd leave me in the crib all day.

While my mama, she sold pasta on the street. She sold pasta out of her hands and sometimes out of a bag. Meanwhile, my papa, watching TV, never even a look at me. My first words was, who is that? Because I didn't even know my own father.

This was in Sicily. Then he put me on a boat. He said, wherever you go, that's where you thrive. God will guide you. I float all the way to the Cape Horn. I live in Africa. Nobody like me. Because I'm Italiano.

Everybody make fun of me. Say, who the white guy? Look, he's a sunburn. And the whole time I just hope a boat come from my papa and say, come back home. I'm going to talk to you now. But it never came. Next thing you know, I find the black wife. She's an African.

She love me. She talked to me. But I can't love her back because my papa didn't tell me how. It's a sad story, but it's my story. This is a Bronx tale. That's a Bronx tale. That's a very good

sad Italian, man. That was great. I don't think I can follow that. That's a Bronx tale I ripped off a Bronx tale Very good Italian man That was great That was a very good one Yeah I don't think I can follow that I don't think any of us can I'll try Alright

My name is Keith Keith Keith Keith Italian It can be a real story It's been hard Because no one Has taken me seriously

Because my name is Keith Manicotti It's tough Don't clap for that. These are not easy to be the cheesy Keithy. Cheesy Keithy Manacati. People say Keith why don't we take you seriously are you Albanian? I say no. Mistaken for Albanian. A lot of us are a mistake for Albania. But I am not. I am Keith. From Florencia.

Keith Manicotti. My daddy was a big grape. And your mama? My mommy was a mozzarella ball. I would squeeze her. I'd drink her milk. Keith is thirsty. Can we get some mozzarella balls from the table?

This isn't a restaurant. Can we get some of that view money from Lund's special 4x3? Come on. We haven't seen our server. Want some more coffee? We do a bit, too, on the pod. Okay, we'll do your bit. You guys did say a tiny one.

We'll do your bit. Okay. It's called Be Funny. What? You're going to say something mean. Yeah, it's going to be mean. No, guys, I'm your biggest fan. I'm always telling you to say it.

You don't know I'm Italian. You said my joke was mean. I don't watch their pod because it physically makes me ill to look at them. These are actually reflective lenses. You can listen to it. You listen. Oh, no, I can't because then you guys get in my head and I think about you two are it's like an even grosser version. I throw up out of my dick That's calm. Oh shit. Never mind

Keith the common all the time. That's man. I don't even get a hard. I just blow slough My wife says why won't you get a tough for my pussy? Why won't you get a tough for my pussy? You need to get your penis a tough for my pussy. You guys should do our segment. Our segment is, who did we hit with a car this week? We're always getting into... Sting, ding, ding, mine was a Chinese lady.

End of segment. Crazy you were driving. She crashed your car. What is it? Who did you hit with your car this week? For real? Yeah, yeah. I mean, it's not every week, but it's like every two weeks.

I mean, people are always crossing in front of cars, and then they get i haven't hit anybody with my car what's next boring barnacle probably just saying here hanging out what's next for blake hammond i don't know if i'm following around being a sidekick labor breath were you holding your breath the whole time i've been holding my breath this whole podcast my joke you saying my joke was bad? Blake, I was kidding. It's a great joke. Hey, grab my feelings, Sam. Oh, I'm Blake. I've got feelings now, man.

Hey, man, I got these feelings inside of me. I'm a Blake Hammond. Oh, no, it's Jazzman. I'm a Jazzy Blake. Play me like a drum kit, kitty cat. Slap my shoulders, touch my belly. I'm Blake Hammond. I'm Rand.

Shut the fuck up. Whoa, that sounded like you. I know. Oh, should we debut the news segment? Yes. Oh, wow. Oh, wow. I know more than you about your own show.

You guys have a news segment, you said? It's a news segment. I haven't done the news in a while. Let's do a news segment. It's called Wig of the Week. This week we will pick a famous guy, a white guy that wants to be black. First century. And have him be in the Wig Hall of Fame.

Riff Raff. Oh. Riff Raff. He's on the Mount Rushmore wigging out. You think so? I don't know. On the Mount Rushmore?ging out. You think so? I don't know. On the Mount Rushmore? Who's better than him?

Paul Wall. What? Paul Wall. Paul Wall's part of the community. Paul Wall's not even a wig anymore. They've adopted him. Wait, he's transcended? No, yeah, for sure.

Bubba Sparks. Call it Paul Bubba Sparks. I love Bubba Sparks. Booty, booty, booty, booty. Oh, my God. Back in the mud? I found you, Miss Nude Booty. Bubba Sparks meant a lot my God. Back in the mud? I found you, Miss Nude Booty. Bubba Sparks meant a lot to me.

That's how I was raised. What? I'm from the oil. They had to pump me out the earth. Okay, man. All right, dude. You don't love Bubba Sparks. I do literally love Bubba Sparks.

What do you mean? And also, I did. John Cena. Oh, dude. No, he knows Chinese. That is one of the most wig things you've ever heard. Yeah, are you kidding me? He speaks Mandarin.

Yeah. Okay. He wears jean shorts, a big spinny... You mean revering Asian culture? Yeah, dude. Come on. I mean... John Cena.

They're just following, mimicking the Wu-Tang Clan. Yes. The Wu-Tang Clan didn't. They're like, I'm like the Wu-Tang Clan. Yes, yeah. Ghost Dog. That's Forrest Whitaker. I'm just saying, Legend of a Samurai.

That was another one of those. Oh, yeah. Both dudes love that shit. A mashup. And then we have to have an honorary one. The Crossroads. A guy that's not white that wants to be black that is an honorary Wig. Marty Chang.

Leave him alone. Mike Shinoda was the best one. Mike Shinoda. Mike Shinoda. Yeah, Mike Shinoda. He was in Linkin Park. He's alive. Yeah. Really? He's not the one that died. No, he was in Lincoln Park. He's alive. Really?

He's not the one that died. No, he's alive. Chester Cheeto. The guy that died is crawling in. It's that guy. Yeah, he's dead. I've been practicing that in the shower. Chester Penistown.

Yeah. Chester Bean Man. See what? He got touched to death. I think he got molested once and he was like, I can't live another 40 years. Molested? How about Les Moe? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Les is molest. Yeah, did he get molested? Was that his thing? For sure. I think you're thinking of me. Oh. I think you're thinking of me. You got tip-tapped on your little Christmas tree?

I did. I'm 10 years old. Was she hot? She was my older sister. Whoa! Imagine that. Women have always loved me. she was 16 she's feeling under bra man I don't want to talk about this on this level. I know how hot my sister was when she molested me. He's saying how big we're.

Your sister was Lena Dunham? Well, your sister's Gianna Michaels. I think I'd be farther along if my sister was Lena Dunham. Now, was that like a breach of trust? Was that okay or no? Did you guys have a free use agreement? Yeah, yeah. It was cool.

Free use, brother. Do whatever you want. That's tough, man. No, it's fine. It's cool. She lives in a trailer. Do you hang out with her still? Yeah, man.

We fucking chill on the weekends. We just gotta go hang out. Remember that game we with her still? Yeah, man. We fucking chill on the weekends. We just gotta go hang out. Remember that game we used to play? Can I win this time? Remember that game we used to play? Jack me off and change me? Her husband's name is Michael Bolton.

I wish that was a joke, but it is real. That's gotta help a little bit. It does help. It does help. But can I tell you, he's only one year older than me. Whoa, does he look like you? He's fat. So, yeah.

You're not fat. We're not allowed to say that. You're not fat anymore. You used to be much more immense. I'm sweating. I'm sweating from saying it. No, dude. You used to be so fat, and you're not that fat anymore. See?

That's what I keep telling you. I'm not kidding. Yeah. That's what I keep telling Ben. He's getting fat. That's what I keep telling him. That's what I keep... He's's what I keep telling him. He's getting fat. That's what I keep telling him. That's what I keep... He's getting fat.

He's trying to be like me. My body's good. That's what I keep telling him. I keep telling him he's lost a little weight. I've looked back on the old clips, and Blake has lost a little weight, and now every time I tell him, he goes... You don't reek anymore?

That's true. He never reeked. He used to smell like a mule. I always thought you rode him to the hill. That's what my sister's pussy smells like. Harmony. Why does that turn into the fucking Indians chant? I don't know.

Go Chiefs, huh? I'm not going to do this. fucking Indians. I don't know. I don't know. Oh! Go Chiefs, huh? I'm not going to do this. I'm not going to be a part of that. Why? You did it initially. You did it next. Yeah, you already started it.

But I didn't know what I was doing. Did you tell anyone? No, not until much later. I had no idea what I was up to. Wow. Yeah. So you can keep a secret. Until you fill out 30 minutes.

Until the storytelling show. You're up there bombing in Yellow yellow springs you're like oh 18 so uh my sister fucked me people are grabbing their coach they turn they stop they're like hold on this young man's doing something. Hold on. He's spitting. No, I've never tried to talk about it on stage. Because you get so hard. I can't have a fucking... I can't have a cum fit.

I can't toss Batch up there. Toss Batch! Who wants to make waffles? Get the maker out the closet. Toss Batch Who wants to make waffles? Get the maker out the closet. Toss batch is absolutely pig shit. That's sickening, dude. Yeah, dude.

Toss batch to your sister bunking you. That sucks. Debunked. That sucks, dude. You're lying about it. Let's go to snob. Did Blake really get fucked? Yeah.

How odd is Blake? Our sources say this story is false. I told him if I ever meet a sister, it's on site. I also have a younger sister. I have to make that clear. It's not her. It's on site for her, too. Too bad it wasn't her. It's on site for a younger sister.

No one believes you. She overpowered me. I was 27. I did quit Taekwondo after that. You needed it more than ever. It wasn't working. You needed it. It wasn't working.

You had to get better. You didn't take girl fighting. Yeah, they fight dirty. You were all about respect and bowing. You bowed. She was like. Yeah. Put your belt around your neck yeah yeah fucking white white belt

choking him out jacking him off he's like fully changed shut up oh yeah that's right you love being choked away i do like being choked he likes getting choked in the sack that's great yeah whatever is good for you oh you so you can remember that pivotal moment. Whatever takes you back. Whatever harkens you back to your trauma. I say do it, brother. You just put on Rusted Root. Watch Blank Check.

You're like, it's like she's here. We have to put on TRL. Anytime I see that fucking Carson Daly, I'm like, duh. Honey, put on O-Town. Call me. O-Town, dude. You're getting touched to the bum bum song? Yeah.

That was number one. Tom Green, baby. That was number one for like six months. Yeah. Carson Daly hated it. He's like, god damn it. And then Tom Green would come on and put his butt on just random shit Oh, yeah, it's fake silicone, but on everything Honey, can you call me Michael Bolton tonight?

For a cowboy yeah, he was in job for a cowboy what yeah the death core band from about 2007 they Michael Bolton was in job for a cowboy. Yeah, he was in Job for a Cowboy. What? Yeah, the deathcore band from about 2007 to 2008. Michael Bolton was in Job for a Cowboy? Yeah, that's what I like. Save a horse, ride a cowboy! Is that them? Yeah, that's them. Nice. Now, do you have an SS tattoo on your wrist?

Yeah, he does. I have Kiss. Oh, brutal. His life was kidding. Spot on. Yes, it is. Well, technically, yes, it is an SS tattoo. Don't cover up the K.I.

Yes, it is. That's good for the algorithm. No, Kiss rocks, dude. Kiss is cool, man. I heard, was it Love Gun? Yeah. That one's a banger. Yeah.

That was the Ramones' favorite band. Yeah, they're fucking amazing. You know about the Ramones? Mm-hmm. Keith Ramone, remember he was on earlier? Beep, beep, bop. He hates the Misfits. Great.

Of course he does. I like them. It's cool to not like the Misfits. I like them. It was a bit. No, it wasn't. It was a bit of a cast. You don't get them.

I got something to say. I like them. I have to go. I fucked your mother today. I fucked my brother today. And I don't feel bad about it. Because I'm a piece of shit. I got something to say.

What time is it? We're at an hour and six seconds. You know what I'd like to do? We're out of here. I'd like to tell you all I'll be in Madison, Wisconsin this weekend at Comedy Club on State. Oh, we don't do that here. Fort Collins, Colorado. I'll be up there seeing you the 21st and 22nd this has been a swap cast with uh ran so far with blake and blake was

here as well yes special guest the name of the podcast is ran so far with blake thank you for having the three of us on your pod you're welcome and as always does my guest has my guest been going anywhere this week if we're doing dates yeah Yeah. Well, we have a fucking, we have a date next on Sunday. On Sunday. Sunday. Dinner and a movie. Sunday. Stephanie Beans hosting.

Blake, he'll be there in some, probably a guest spot. And then I'll be headlining the comedy attic. Yeah, we're doing a rant so far with Blake. We're doing a rant so far with Blake live in Columbus, Ohio. Oh my God. What the hell? It the hell packed but it's on opposite day we've already moved some tickets you're giving out free soup so come on down we're giving out free soup to anybody who's a guy with a beard we're delousing blankets so if you sleep outside do it without sugar bites Okay. Can't say that on here.

Oh, Stephanie Beats. Do bleep sugar. We have a new Patreon. You want to rap her name? We can do it tomorrow. We can do it tomorrow. Oh, we'll do it tomorrow. No, let's do it right now. No, no.

And don't do that voice. Don't make that sound. Let's do it now. Do it now. Hey, come over here. You can use my mic. Come over here. You can use my mic.

Talk into my microphone. All right. Let me shout out our my mic. Come over here. You can use my mic. Talk into my microphone. All right. Let me shout out our new patron. Here we go. Let me read them. Our new... Well, we just got one. Our new Patreon member is Blair Yoke.

Okay. Like the egg. And don't make anything about eggs. Hit it, beans. Blair Yoke wants the smoke. She's in the Patriot for the jokes. Yes, because she's not broke. $3 a month, that's what she gives us.

Good job, Beans. Thanks for listening to the cast. That was a couple of bars. Blair Yoke, I'm coming for you, pussy bitch. Hey! If you tell anyone I'm going to stab you, snitch, get out of my ass, because that's where the poop goes. Shut the fuck up, Sam. Nobody knows.

Blair Yoke going to crack you like a nasty one. Daddy's sitting on you.