Chubby Behemoth - Swollen Valor

Episode Date: October 3, 2020

Captain Boy. Gout-ing at the Devil. Sandwich Sultan.   This weeks sponsor Hold The Phone! https://holdthephone.tv/   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth.

Ba-dow, ba-dow, ba-dow, ba-dow, ba-dow, ba-dow. We interrupt Focus on the Family's Family Hour with breaking news. Obviously, everybody's been talking about it. Twitter, Asian Twitter, alt-Twitter have all been clamoring since early this morning. Sam, give it to them. I cut my finger. That's right. It's like it's the middle finger on the left hand.

It is, yeah. It's my third digit, the promontory digit, as we call it in the medical game. And a lot of different Twitters have been responding to it in different ways. You know, alt-right Twitter says that this is part of QAnon's plan. Yeah, what does Q have in store for us via this middle finger injury to Sam T? Well, they said that there would be... Sam Q. On alt-right Twitter, you're Sam Q. I'm Sam Q, yeah. They said there'd be three fingers pointing back and one finger pointing forward.

And wherever that finger pointed was the entrance to the tunnels where they keep the pedophile kids. Right, because it's kind of a scavenger hunt at this point. It is. Q went from very vague, kind of confusing, nebulous statements to now clues and coordinates. Well, you've got to go to McDonald's, you gotta get your Q Clue board, and then with that Travis Scott meal, you get another breadcrumb

leading you to the Podesta's house. Leading you to Podesta, California. You'd think it would be at Pizza Hut, but they do not want to get involved for some reason. The whole Pizzagate thing, they're kind of scared for these promotions. Right, yeah, because Pizza Hut, obviously, for a long time had Jared Fogle as its spokesman.

Yeah. Look how much weight I gained. I can finally fit into these old pants. Yeah, because of the Pizza Hut lunch buffet. Thank you, Pizza Hut. Yeah, thanks to how hot Pizza Hut's pizza is. You stuffed your crust, now I'm stuffing my pants with my own ass. So thank you.

My thighs are big enough again. Also, whoops, straw's upside down. Yeah, so black Twitter was like, what up with that finger dough? Asian Twitter, I can't understand it. A lot of kanji. And then you hit C translation and it's not what they're saying. It's never, you know, it doesn't capture any nuance or slang. And so your guess is as good as mine.

The only one I can understand is someone offered to buy the finger so they could grind it up and make virility powder. But yeah, no, it's a crazy time. I did, I injured, I injured. Well, I didn't cut my finger. It's a long story. I don't need to get into it. Hey, that's what the pod is all about, is getting into it. Okay, well, I was down at the fishing hole, all right?

I was up near the Poudre River, and one of my patented... I was out there angling for some channel cat, you know, fish hunting as I do. And it was sundown, you know, I was cracking a cold one. I had a bush light ready to go, and... Camo can? Camo can, yeah. I didn't want anyone to know that I was sipping steady. Well, you know, a park ranger comes by.

You've got to play it cool. I would have had to kill him. Well, yeah, if it weren't for the Camo Can, you don't have to worry about getting a ticket. I would have had to flay him wide open and let the channel cat come and feed. That would have been my net. It would have been his bones and viscera.

But, yeah, so out of the the, through the cattails and the reeds, this, uh, this drifter, this long-boned fella came wandering up, and I, you know, I just figured it was another angler looking to compare notes, see what was biting that day, was it dog food, was it hot dogs, you know, maybe they wanted some neon rind, whatever it was, so I just, you know, I assumed it was another fish hunter like myself. And he said, hey there, boy. I said, well, that's kind of a wild way to begin a conversation. But, you know.

You're a grown man. I'm a grown man, yeah. He's older than you, maybe, you know. Yeah, you know. He can get away with it if he's got some years on you. I couldn't tell, really. You know, he had a fine jaw, kind of a thin, railish old sawbones type, you know, wearing overalls. He had a kind of certain look in his eye, like a glint to him.

And he said, are you a... Glenn Eastwood, kind of a fella. For sure, yeah. Like he wanted to say racial slurs about the Hmong. Right, yeah. He's got a top three most hated exotic peoples that he's going to throw at you. And somehow Puerto Ricans are always at the top. Not that exotic, really.

Exotic enough. To an old dusty pair of overalls with eyes sticking out of them. Yeah. Chewing on some chaw that he's had in his throat since 2002. He loves Red Man Chew, but he hates Red Men. That kind of guy. Yeah, a lot of those guys, just a ball of

inconsistency and contradiction. A walking contradiction, if you will. And I ain't got no rights. Alright? Guy's having a green day, you know? He says to me, are you... He said, pardon me there, Captain. He said, are you, uh...

Captain Boy? Do you happen to be Samuel Baird Talent? Son of David Talent? And I said, last I checked, I am. I'm the last of my kind and the first of a new breed. You know, that's how we talk down by the river. Sure, the queen of me.

Yeah, just trying to personify the feelings that happen when a man's high on the sunset, ready to fill his belly with delicious channel cat. And I said, I am indeed their brother, stranger. What's your name, Drifter? And he said, well, you might not know me, but our fathers knew each other quite well. You see, I'm Cleto Wainwright, son of Billy Thibodeau Wainwright. And your father and my father, they once spilt blood. But it turned out that my father spilt more than your daddy ever did.

And it was on this day 25 years ago when I picked up that shovel and I put that spade into the earth and I interned my father forever for the misdeeds that your daddy done did. Holy shit. I know, it's crazy, because I know what he's talking about,

because my dad used to be the head of Kiowa State Bank. And one time this, you know, Wainwright Sr. came in and he had fallen behind on a loan that had been offered by my father's largesse. And he tried to pay off my father with a couple of, a couple old mules. A couple of gray old mules. And the issue was when my daddy went looking in those mules' mouths, their teeth were as yellow as some fallow corn. The same fallow corn them mules had been fed on by this scandalous Wainwright. So I said, yes, indeed, Wainwright.

I recognize your name. What say you? What brings you to my neck of the pond? And he said, well, I have come seeking vengeance, sir. Oh, shit. I have come with a mandate from God and blood, written on stone tablets as old as the moon that have been written as long as the sun's been hunting the stars.

He had the tablets in his hands. He did, yeah. These heavy pieces of stone. Well, it was an iPad. Oh, okay, with pictures of the original stone? Yeah, this was all on a... He had made a PowerPoint. He was swiping through his tablet.

Otherwise, yeah, how are you going to get these stone laws onto a plane? Exactly. So I put my corncob pipe down, and I could tell that there was a tussle about to occur. I should hope so. I mean, he laid it out for you. Look, if you come begging vengeance, don't be surprised. If you want Sodom, prepare for Gomorrah.

That's what I told this old... Gomorrah is your right hand or your left? It's my knee, and I was ready to... I forgot about your Muay Thai background. I am, yes. He didn't know that since these 25 years... Muay Thai, of course, Spanish for very Thai. Yes, correct, yeah.

Watch out for those knees, man. Sharp as an elbow on a bad day. And I had been sharpening my knees against an old trunk. I like to go out there and give a hundred licks to the trunk in my front yard after I chop all the wood that I need to keep the homestead fires burning. And he, uh, at this time he said, well, your daddy put my daddy in the dirt, and I aim to do the exact same thing to you, brother.

And that's when I saw that viper. That's when I saw him pull out his blade. And there was a glistening from the new moonlight on this blade. It was slaked. It was quivering. And it flashed. Before I could register the flash, my finger, you know, cold met warm. Just exploded, I'm sure. Blood met steel. And some of my own blood fell into that very earth. But he didn't know that I was packing my hatchet, as I always do when I go to the river in order to behead these channel cat

that I will feed my progeny with. And I caught him with one of my Muay Thai-style knees right there in the thigh, and he fell. He did fall, and I crouched on top of him, and I said, You lizard sumbitch. You dead-legged him. I dead-legged him.itch. You deadlegged him. I deadlegged him. You beat him in the quad. I deadlegged him. I hit him with an Indian burn,

which he didn't like because his family did burn some Indians. You know, it was kind of ironic. You went parochial on his ass. You went into grade school type of territory. I did. I sat on his chest and I said, you lizard sumbitch, you name ten candy bars or I'm going to cut you from testis to tongue.

I'm going to lay you wide open so that the Beatles may lay generations inside your carcass. Candyman style. Correct. All the diabetes in the world couldn't save him. Make him into a piñata, put the candy inside of him. Sewed him right up with my own hair. I did. That's why I've shaved my head, as you can see today.

with my own hair. I did. That's why I've shaved my head, as you can see today. Damn, I did not think I would ever miss the bleach blonde, but I do. I wish it were still here. I guess caked in blood.

It is. I had to remove my hair and my fingernails. I pulled out all my own teeth, too, so that no one would be able to identify the bite marks that were found on his face and neck.

And now, it looks like, are those the same yellowed teeth of the donkeys from long ago? This necklace is made from a menagerie of different equine parts. I would have thought, yeah, that you'd put them in your mouth, but you made a nice little bolo kind of necklace tie situation. Thank you very much. It's a seasonal attire. And I did kill this man. I did kill Cleto Wainwright.

I forgot his first name. Cleto. This is my admission in front of God and country. This should be a Patreon episode. But I fear that we're gonna need it. I said, you old son of a soothsayer, I wanna watch the life leave your eyes.

And as those two twin universes died that very day, I let him know that the talents, the talents are not one to nick on their fingy with a blade. And that there is the story of how I did injure this very digit before you. Damn. Hell of a way to... We're filling time tonight, you know what I mean? Jeez. What a tale. Save it for your next book is what I bet a lot of listeners are thinking.

Jeez. A prisoner cannot make money off of their crimes. So this tale needs to be told now, right here, in front of these flags we are surrounded by, the flags of our fathers. Now why is that true, you think? Because, uh, it's the son of Sam Law. Yeah, but... And I'm the son of David.

Some of these guys, eh, come on. I mean, I'll pay to hear what they did to a couple of people, you know, to get inside of that demented mind. I'll give them a couple bucks. If I could find an old boot black to change my name and to inscribe a new name, it's so that my sons, the sons of Sam, if I would change my name, it wouldn't apply to me anymore. But since my children might be able to make a couple of saw bucks,

make a couple of red-letter pennies off of what I've done, then they had to prevent it. Please don't have kids. You're moving to Trinidad. I'm going to fuck my wife until she's got a baby in her. You're going to name this kid Little Natie, and you're going to just try to raise him like you raised me. Well, when the baby is inside still, before it's burned, I'm going to call him Neonatal. Neonathan.

And, yeah, I mean, why wouldn't I name my kid after you? I don't know. Probably because everybody in your family will be very angry. No, no, that's the issue. In my family, whoever is there to watch the deed be done, that is one of our bylaws in our family. You need to watch me inseminate my wife with my fallow seed. Okay, I'll be there.

Yes. All right. When that full moon does beckon, and you can hear my tumescence ringing off the canyon walls, you will know that there is a new Nathan about to be set forth on this world. You had a stroke on the toilet, didn't you? I did, I jerked off on that very shrine. Right before we started recording.

My trusty porcelain mount has been anointed in my jism. My aloe vera has been spread. It's very soothing. It is. Put it on a sunburn. If you have a burn, allow me to put three pumps on there. You ever have a real bad sunburn that just bubbles up? You have to rub it in jism?

I used to get water blisters all the time. On the shoulders? That was kind of my thing. On your ears? You ever got that? No. It was always the shoulders for me. You know, just the sun beating down on...

Just so stupid. You know, you're like 20 and you're like, eh, I'll buy sunblock later. Yeah. What do I... Being in the sun should be free. Yeah, what? I don't have a Roth IRA.

How am I going to afford sunblock? Right, yeah. I need to buy a 30 rack of Keystone Light. Yeah, what? I don't have a Roth IRA. How am I going to afford sunblock? Right, yeah. I need to buy a 30-rack of Keystone Light. Yeah, we've got to go down to Winco. Yeah. We were getting a case of Keystone Light my whole freshman year of college. It was $6.50 for 24 beers. We would each get one.

Holy shit. Yeah, man. We used to get 30 racks of Keystone Light for $11.99, dude. That's why it's all we drank here in the great state of Colorado, this centennial state. Jake Becker is a proud son of this forgotten land, as am I. Sam Talent, son of David. Ender of Cleto Wainwright and all of his kin. You remind me, Cleto reminds me of, there's like a lineman for the Bears whose last name is,

his last name is Leno, and he's a junior, and every time I see it, I think, oh, there's Jay Leno's kid, making him proud on the O-line, Jay Leno Jr. They couldn't find him a chin strap. Oh, yeah, no. They had to sew a couple together. Yeah, that's right. A lot of gauze involved in keeping the helmet on his head. Yeah.

But, yeah, good old Leno Jr., he's probably like 6'10", you know, 400 pounds. He's huge. He can't fit in a car that Leno owns. No. Yeah, Leno's going to have to save up for a tank. Yeah, they're going to have to solder two cars together just to get his giant dick in there. He's going to buy the Killdozer. Have you watched that documentary?

On Jay Leno's cars? Yeah, I love that show. buy the Killdozer. Have you watched that documentary? On Jay Leno's cars? Yeah, I love that show. Oh, about the Killdozer. Oh, no, not... Not, dude. No, no. Oh, it's good. He left a whole audio tape airing his grievances,

and it's... I mean, you know, you feel bad for him because he obviously had a death wish and fulfilled it. It came true. I like the soundtrack from that audio tape, though. It was like 9 to 5, Johnny Paycheck, Working for a Livin', just a bunch of anti-wage slavery songs.

This documentary, I guess, couldn't afford all the different song rights. That's why they had the Aquabats do the covers. Yeah, it's a bunch of ska tunes. It's ska versions, which... I'm working nine to five it's fun at first and then as he gets you know as he gets increasingly desperate it starts to be kind of a i mean it's a lot it's heavy uh but yeah it's just crazy how he lays it all out because a friend told him he should like leave behind an account or whatever. Though he does. He sounds righteous at first

because the city kind of conspired with... It was in Gunnison? It was in Granby. Granby. Which is where Megan's parents live. Now, tell the folks at home, who's Megan? Megan is my wife. Ah.

Supposedly. The screeching weasel. Allegedly. Yeah. Kept her last name because if you have to choose between Creech and Lund, who gives a shit, you know? Yeah, they both stink. Yeah, it doesn't matter. You're not getting rid of, you know, you're not escaping some terribly long Chechnyan surname.

Yeah. You're not able to trade up from something, you know, got off from Hitler to, you know, something cool like Lee. I'm thinking of changing my last name to Creech. Creech is okay. I want to confuse you when it comes to lovemaking. A lot of consonants. That's what I want. Just, you know what, as long as your last name isn't Wainwright, like that turtle-humping

melon fucker that I left out there in the cattails in Caliche. Now you gotta worry about Rufus. What if Rufus tries to get in on the action? If Rufus wants to show his... It's Loudon. If Loudon wants to show his cowardly, hair-lipped face

to me, I'll be down at the barn dance. I'll be waiting there. With my Muay Thai knees. Just sharp. Sharp as the day is long. Just a couple of machetes down there covered by... Well, not covered covered because you're rocking above the knees. Skies out, skies out.

Every time. Listen to that. Hey, listener. Ready to go. Hey, Wainwright, if you're listening, this is the last thing you're ever going to hear. Right before you bust that gumball machine, he calls ahead. It's a bunch of little homies in there. He's haunted. Those were cool. Those were cool, man. That's a bunch of little homies in there. Those were cool.

Those were cool, man. That was a fun way. That story I just told, it was inspired because I was giggling the other day about my friend Caleb Garrett, friend of the pod. He's in Alabama. His dadder told him a story one time about how... His dadder. Is that what they call him in Alabama? Well, it's his dad or mom. They're not sure because

they don't have genders. Dadder. Yeah, dadder or, you know. Dadder or something. Right. He my dad or something. One time he said that he pulled a knife on a guy and said, You lizard sumbitch, I'm going to cut you from tongue to testis. And I was like, well, I can...

Yeah, he said that seriously. And that was, like, in line at a Sonic or something. Like, Demopolis, Alabama. Like, I told you to put M&M's and you put Reese's Pieces, you done bespurged my good name. And for that you must perish, you lizard sumbitch. I have to add your name to this

knife's book of souls. You will be another notch. Yeah, dude. Lizard sumbitch. Calling him a lizard, yeah. Yeah, that rules. Pretty tough. I imagine he just grabbed like some, you know, Tom Petty-esque man, grabbed him by his pony nub

and cut it off and shoved it in his mouth before he kicked his ass down the stairs at a Shoney's. I don't know that anybody's kicking Caleb Garrett's ass. He's a big guy. No, I'm saying this is Caleb Garrett's father's victim. Sure, okay. No one stops Caleb. I thought I could tune out and come back in. Sure. Okay. No one stops Caleb. I thought I could

tune out and come back in. Nope. Sorry. You're so weaving a tapestry. Also, since we like to talk about our friends'

hot wives, Brittany Garrett. Ooga. Watch out. Right. They've been together since they were like nine or whatever.

They grow up. Sweethearts. He did deflower that woman on the eve of Obama's first election. Yeah, I could see that. He's one of those guys where, you know, he's young. Probably played football because he's big. He was all state. Got raised right.

Probably has good parents. All he ate was chicken tenders. There's a lot of people out there. You see a lot of the young rural areas, there will be just beautiful women. And then they're with whoever lived around the corner and didn't blow it. Anybody who's nice enough. Not even nice enough. Are you kidding?

Well, sometimes they're not nice. There's a bunch of women smacking lummoxes out there who are holding down the finest piece of poo nanny in all this county. That's right. So, yeah, there is not a whole lot that the guy can do to fuck it up because the options are limited. There's him or the guy who got kicked in the head by a goat when he was very young and can't really blow a bubble with gum. when he was very young and can't really blow a bubble with gum. He can with his own spit, but not when he wants to, just on accident. You're speaking of Munoz Wainwright, the forgotten son of Big Billy Wainwright.

Oh, yeah? Yeah. So now you've got to worry about him still? Well, if I'm ever down Mexico way. Well, he's got a goat print on the side of his head, so you're going to see him coming a mile away. I'm going to be the chupacabra on his ass. I'm going to suck that goat right out of his ear. Think about that.

Think about me sucking on a half-breed's neck. Goat boy. You better watch out, Jim Brewer. For I've been confused before. Classic Saturday Night Live character, Goat Boy. Sounds like a mad TV creation, but no, Brewer was SNL all the way. It's crazy that they let Brewer on that show. It didn't make sense.

It must have just been that he was loud and had a couple of funny ideas for the audition. I think it was because they had Sandler, who had a childlike innocence, and Brewer kind of has that same, like, what me worry, you know, kind of an Alfred E. Newman innocence to him. Yeah. Yeah. I think that could be it. Yeah, they wanted another Sandler after Adam had moved on.

Look here, you little son of a bitch. Adam Sandler of the college years. Oh, but yeah, Killdozer was in Granby. And it's pretty chilling to hear this guy just lay it all out there. Because at first I was saying, he sounds pretty justified. But then he pretty quickly starts to talk about how god wanted him to build this killdozer yeah and you know like it was like why he was still alive there were all these little coincidences that uh made him think that god was like saying no no don't you don't have to feel

bad about this this is what i put you on earth to do yeah he got relish on his hot dog instead of mustard right he was like i ordered wait a minute hold on what does it mean, he got relish on his hot dog instead of mustard. Right. He was like, I ordered, wait a minute. Hold on. What does it mean? Relish, relish the day. Rue the day. Green like the money that's corrupted this country. Yeah, it was all... Why am I sleepy? I'm dozing. I'm kill dozing.

Maybe me and my wife will watch that tonight. Maybe we'll Netflix and kill dozer. And that sounds like a good time. Yeah, I mean, like I say, it's good. It's kind of sad. This pod's all about watch that today. Maybe we'll Netflix and Killdozer. And that sounds like a good time. Do it. Yeah, I mean, like I say, it's good. It's kind of sad. This pod's all about retribution today. Yeah, well, he had his vengeance on the town of Grampy,

that's for sure. Because the thing, the Killdozer was so well reinforced that I forgot how much damage he did. Like, reading about it or whatever, you're like, oh yeah, he fucked up a couple buildings. Smashed a big R. It took him, like,

all day to go throughout his points of interest and take them out, and nobody could stop him. The cops were all just, like, shooting at this thing, and it didn't matter. Well, then he wanted to erase the culture of that town, so he went from, like, the Spencer's Gifts, over to GameStop.

Oh, yeah. Destroyed the Chuck E. Cheese. He ripped the heart of Granby out of its chest. He had a Target. Got rid of the Target. Got rid of... The DSW shoe warehouse is no longer. He got rid of Destination XL, formerly Big and Tall.

Destination Unknown, Ruby Ruby, Ruby Soho. That was another song that was on the soundtrack. Here's the thing about this Killdozer guy. He was a rancid head. Stephen Williamson idolized the Killdozer guy. I believe it. Of course you do. He really wanted to be Killdozer's friend.

He wrote him letters while he was in jail. He didn't go to jail. What did he do? He died in that kill dozer. How? What'd they do? They firebomb it like the heroes at Waco? He got stuck, finally, while he was taking out...

He got stuck because he was too fat? He got in the kill dozer. The courthouse or something. No, no. I think it was a Winnie the Pooh situation where he ate too much honey inside the dozer and then tried to escape. He tried to go out feet first and got stuck. They tickled him to death.

No, he got... The kill dozer got stuck on one of the buildings that he was taking out because he didn't realize that there was like a basement that he didn't consider. He didn't have the blueprints on that one? I think he did, but I think... I mean, at this point it had been like all day. He'd been kill dozing for hours.

Yeah, he must have been out of juice. And he started to take out the first, you know, the ground floor of this building and fell into the basement, you know, the open basement, and that fucked it up. Well, I don't want to blame the victims, but I will blame the city, because, you know, when he went in there and he requested from

the DMV to get his Killdozer license, and they said, sure, of course. That's kind of on them. They didn't see it coming. He wanted to change his name to Killdozer. They were like, it'll be confusing. We have, like, four Killdozers in town, and that't see it coming. He wanted to change his name to Killdozer. They were like, it'll be confusing. We have like four Killdozers in town. And that really set him off. He was like, okay, I guess we'll see who the real Killdozer is in a few days. But yeah, man, he really got to leave his mark on that town.

If you could destroy an entire city, what would you do? If you could raise a city to the earth, which one would it be? Las Vegas, Nevada. I would take out the entire strip. How? Killdozer. You'd killdoze? All right.

I would have... Steven Paddock almost beat you to it. Is that that guy's name? The Hero? He took out 50 people, no buildings. I would go the other way. He took out 50 people No buildings I would go the other way He took out like 196 people right?

The Vegas shooter? I don't know You do too know I don't I know you're on These message boards I think he killed Becker look it up

60 And then maybe Wounded like 500 He might have injured Yeah And you know That wasn't Why did you know

His name exactly Off the top of your head? Well, because I bought the merch. Whoa. The padlock. He killed 60 and wounded 411. Okay. That arms deal gone wrong really left its mark.

The injury total for people trying to escape was 867 people. Now it's people just stepping on broken Bud Light glasses. Because he shot up that country music place, that concert for country music, and it was bad, but no one talks about how the rates of domestic violence went down the next couple weeks. Because all those music fans were in their graves. Their hands were all...

They were too injured from deflecting bullets to slap their old lady around. That's right, yeah. There's a little fear, like, oh, I didn't realize. Is this the terror I've been instilling in my loved ones? Who cares? Get over here. How dare you put ketchup on

my relish dog? Yeah, I think one of the reasons that that was such an awful, you know, why the number of victims was so high is that the casino didn't want to apprehend the shooter because what if he's a gambler? What if

he decides to go hit the tables and drop a couple grand? I think they checked his points on his card first. He was a slot maniac. He was a maniac. You've got to get him down there and hit that Big Bang Theory slot and get a few nickels off of this guy before you get him arrested.

Oh, of course, man. You don't want to leave a bad Yelp review. I think I would like to be able to... Did you read his Yelp review? What did he say? He said that the Mirage had great windows. You could see for miles in every direction. You know?

They weren't tinted. Yeah. Yeah. I guess he said the door staff didn't ask any questions, and he liked that. No metal detectors. Yeah, I didn't read that review, but that sounds correct.

If I was going to take out a city, I would crash a submarine into Mobile, Alabama. Okay. Yeah. The Kill Marine. Okay. Yeah. The kill marine. Kill marine, yeah. The murder marine. We're going to try and make it.

We're going to try and sell some t-shirts. Four hours, four and a half, just making your way. It's a pontoon boat. Making my way downtown submarine. Goodbye mobile. Instead of a piano with wheels, you got a submarine with wheels. And a piano on top of the submarine. Or I might just see how many sub sandwiches I can feed people there.

Until they ate themselves to death like the pig gluttons they are. Oh, okay. Mobile sucks. The slow burn. Yeah. Pretty ironic that a town with a bunch of people that don't walk around is called Mobile. Just a little ironic. God has a pretty sick sense of humor.

Oh, yeah. God wrote for Cracked Magazine. God had a good time when they God's non-binary when they decided to create us there's a couple inside jokes for sure I don't know if God's that funny because wasn't T.J. Miller talking directly to God

before he filmed his shit special wasn't God the head writer of T.J. Miller's Bonkers in Boulder or whatever the fuck he called it yeah that might be somebody who's credited head writer at T.J. Miller's Bonkers in Boulder or whatever the fuck he called it? Yeah, that might be somebody who's credited. God, yeah. That Nick DiPaolo, I think.

For T.J.'s head writer. What I think of from that night, because we took a party bus up to Boulder and we watched one of the tapings and they said throughout, but especially before the show started, every couple of minutes,

somebody over the PA, over the God Mike, was like, just a reminder that this is the taping of a special. Please, no entering or exiting the crowd during the show. So we're supposed to sit in our seats for, you know, however long the show was. Yeah, he had to get his shit in. His wife had to sing. He was up there singing songs.

He was up there for a while. And towards the end, there was a woman, a young lady right in front of us that was wasted, and she kept wanting to get up, and then her friends kept telling her not to. And at the end of the show, when everybody was starting to leave, she got up, and there was a puddle in that chair.

Whoa. Yeah. She was so horny for TJ. No, no, no. It was urine. Oh, mellow yellow, not Sprite. The other white liquid. I see.

Yeah. That's cool. It was cool, I guess. That's a cool move. No, not a cool move on her part. It was cool in a funny way for me to be like, ah, she pissed herself. Did you tell everyone? Oh, yeah.

I was like, hey, everybody. Attention. You get up on stage. Excuse me. Grab the mic. Excuse me, everyone. Tap, tap, tap. Hey, one more time for TJ, but I got good news. Let's play Guess the Liquid.

Yeah, it was wild. It was a lot of piss. And then didn't we party on the clock tower that night? We partied on the way back. I blacked out on the way back, I think. You know what you did when we got to the clock tower? There were some deli meats, I think. You know what you did when we got to the clock tower? Uh, there were some deli meats, I believe. I believe

there was a spread of meats and cheeses. Allegedly there were, because we got to the top of the clock tower and there was a bunch of sandwiches laid out, and no one was really eating the sandwiches, we were all partying. Everybody was too cool to eat the sanguis.

I walked away for like a half hour leaving Lund by the sandwiches. He's like, I'm just gonna have one. I came back. He left still standing there. There's no sandwiches left. He ate a party platter of blimpy subs. I wish.

Me and Sharpie and Orbital were like, holy fuck. Did you eat all those sandwiches? And you were like, I'm gonna go up a butt. You know, you were talking in tongues like old drunk men. Mouthful of olives. Yeah, you're like, woogie, woogie. You ate all them fucking sandwiches.

I think I ate most of the sandwiches, and then a few of them probably got taken by, you know, execs. Yeah, right. Agents. There was a lot of heat in thes. Yeah, right. Agents. There was a lot of heat in the room. Pete Holmes came and had a sandwich. Some scouts. No, dude. You ate like 40,000 calories worth of sandwiches.

No way. Yeah, dude. I do it all the time. That's a lot of bread. That was the day you got gout. That was it. Sowing seeds. Yeah, you were gouting at the devil.

That's gout. That reminds me of another time where I think you ate 40,000 calories worth of sandwich. Well, no, just another party night that I don't remember. Okay. And every now and then people would just be like,

hey man, you remember that? And I did not remember this, but we, I think a bunch of us were at City O' City outside for music. I think for May the 4th. Oh yeah. One of the May the 4ths where there were bands playing in the parking lot. Yeah. It was also the night of David Soto's bachelor party, DJ David Soto.

I'm not familiar. He was cool. But, yeah, he was, like, having a bachelor party that night, and so a few of the people that were going to go do that were like, come with us, and I was so drunk I went with. The sun was still up, right? Yeah, when that show was happening, yeah. But I went with these guys, uh i don't know where we went

but i got very drunk and i was like not able to hang you know i was just like in the corner like with my knees like kind of giving out now and then and so you were jordan doll one of the guys yeah i was pinocchio without a geppetto i was folding myself up in a drawer. And one of the guys was like, oh, I'll give him some Coke. And so he had me do a bunch of Coke. And then he said I was like, okay. Like, you know, kept me from falling downstairs or whatever. But it didn't bring me out of the blackout. So luckily, I don't think there was any food for me to destroy.

If there was, there was no survivors. That's for sure. Yeah, hopefully they ate before they went out. Well, I think, no, that was that night where there was that bucket of hummus. And you ate all that bucket of hummus. I poured it on my head. Yeah, you did. And then you were like, bongo, bongo.

Slapping it. I called it chickpea stew. Were you there that day when I figured out the jam wasn't just good for you? That it wasn't healthy? Yeah, that it wasn't healthy. Were you there that day when I figured out that jam wasn't just good for you? That it wasn't healthy? Yeah, that it wasn't healthy. Were you there for that? I don't think so. We went to breakfast at Sassafras.

Like, Urist, me, Janae, you were there. I was, yeah. Yeah. And we were waiting for our food to come. There was all this, like, homemade jam and jelly on the table. And I was just, like, putting it on my plate and, like, eating it with a spoon. Like, it was delicious soup. And everyone was like... After I went through three pots of fucking jam, they were like, you really like jam, huh?

And I was like, yeah, it's good for you. It's a way to get fruit into your body. And everyone was like, what are you talking about? And I was like, yeah, jam, it's healthy. And they were like, no, dude, it's all sugar. And I was like, no, hold on, smuckers. Yeah, natural fruit sugar, the good kind. Exactly, yeah, that only does the body good.

And my entire life I've just been eating jam, thinking that I was doing the mouth equivalent of push-ups. Well, I think you were half right. All the fruit shit's in there, too. Yeah, but apparently it's also about a cup and a half of sugar per pot of jam that I was eating. Right. But you're still getting all the things that you thought you were getting in you in you.

Just also the accompanying sugar. Yeah, but if you're trying to eat a bunch of kale, but there also happens to be just a smidge of heroin in there, it's not good for you. You just sold me on kale. Well, okay. I forgot who we were talking about. Kale, yeah. Yeah, the dragon chaser, Jake Becker. I wish, he says.

Yeah, that's pretty dumb of you. When we get to 1,000 Patreon followers, we're getting some heroin. You heard it here first, guys. That's the dumbest shit I've ever heard. We've got to make the number way higher than that. 1,001.

You want to do some H. I've ever heard. We gotta make the number way higher than that. A thousand and one. Alright. You wanna do some H. I just wanna help Becker get back to what he loves. Go out on top. This is a chore for him, you know, hanging out with us, listening to us talk about

Lund eating sandwiches all the time. Not at all. There needs to be a rainbow for him to chase. I am fantasizing about sandwiches the way I used to think

about heroin after you talked about that platter, though. It wasn't even like a good platter. It was pretty much like... Was it really blimpy? I think it was blimpy. Nah, I don't think it was. I don't know what it would have been.

You don't have any idea. You're lucky you got to the top of the clock tower. I'm surprised I didn't fall off. You ate all those sandwiches and then claimed sanctuary as you rung the bell. Squatter's right. Because I shit in a bucket. I was making a Quasimodo joke. Oh, I was ringing the bell.

Yeah, yeah. Hunchback of Notre Dame. I had to help Marty McFly get back to 1985. I spilt a bucket of water in Anthony Jesselnik's shoes that night. Oh, yeah? Yeah, well, you were busy chasing mayonnaise with mustard. You kept asking, who wants to do body shots?

And then you would just put pepperoni slices over your nipples. Yeah, I went outside and we were smoking weed. You know, I was out there with all the execs, the head of Comedy Central, Mr. Ciso himself. Dee Snider, I think, was there. Dee Snider was there, yeah. I barely remember. The drummer from Wasp, I think. Nick Matarot.

It was real. Who's that? We were smoking weed and it was raining so there was a bunch of buckets of water outside on the rail of the clock tower. And I walked up to Jesselneck and TJ Miller and I think David Letterman. I think Vinny Testaverde was out there.

You would have loved it, dude. It was cool. Joe Namath's nurse was bringing him back in. I heard Letterman was there, and I started looking for Pat Sajak because I was like, the Letterman. That's what my brain came up with, and I was a little disappointed. Well, you were close because Vanna White did take anal from everyone. Holy F.

It was crazy. I was like, do you want to buy another dick? Buy a ow! Ow! So, but yeah, there was a bucket of water. I spilled it on Anthony Jeselnik's shoes. You kicked it? No, I just walked up, stumbled up, you know?

I was like, hey guys, you see what Lunn did? You kicked it? No, I just walked up, stumbled up, you know. I was like, hey guys, you see what Lunn did? Try to push me down even further than I'm pushing myself. You had your shirt off and you were just cramming sandwiches. You said you were the sandwich sultan. You wrapped the shirt around your head.

That's not a time to be angry. Well, I feel like at a certain point, when you're really in the zone and you're knocking them back six inches at a time, shirts get in the way. So you've got to take them off. You're not wrong. Yeah, you've got to get that shirt off so that you can sweat it out. Yeah. And not just have it turn into, you know, a bunch of flop.

Yeah, you keep asking people who has the oil because I've got the vinegar. And you pissed in your own mouth like that monkey in the video. Me and Chris laughed about it for a very long time. We've had a lot of fun on party buses. We've had a lot of fun off of party buses. But on party buses? We've had a lot of fun in port-a-potties. Yeah, you hate when you come out of a port-a-potty

and I'm filming you. I like that you document. You like to document me coming out of a bathroom. Well, I hate when you come out of a port-a-potty and I'm filming you. I like that you document, yeah. You like to document me coming out of a bathroom. Well, I'm timing you. You set a record earlier when you pulled something standing up off of the toilet. Well, I shat pretty hard, and then I went to check the numbers, you know. And it really wasn't worth all the work. The heave wasn't worth the hoe, if you know what I mean. Sure.

I've been eating a lot of spinach, so I'm waiting for that big award-winning log to emerge. That should be clearing out all the stragglers from your intestines, the spinach. I pooped an owl skull. It's crazy. Remember that time we were on that party bus

and I was all wasted and someone knocked Chris Sharpenteer's hat off or something that was that night wasn't it? this is a different night the TJ special? I don't know that was when TJ performed at Red Rocks and we were all with him yeah there were a couple of people

that were trying to get party buses into just like it was a thing right trying to make party buses happen what if we took a party bus i don't know do we have to we're going to the squire you have a seizure yeah some kid knocked chris's hat off so i fucking face pushed him down the stairs and was like you will never enter this bus again and then morgan Miller, TJ's sister, was like, Sam, that's my brother or whatever. Well, you didn't hear that he wasn't being a dick until years later, right?

Yeah, he wasn't even bullying Chris. You thought it was justified that you stood up for your friend, your little diminutive buddy. Much like when Cleto Wainwright came out of the swamp on me. But yeah, not that long ago, I think you were like, yeah, I remember

when I stood up for you, Chris, friend to friend. He was like, that guy hadn't done anything. Yeah, that guy was totally not in the wrong. He was like trying to hang out. Yeah.

I shoved him down three stairs on the concrete. You were like, what? He's like, I'm a big fan. And then you just smacked him. He went to unbutton his shirt to show me my t-shirt that he was wearing.

And I just chopped him in the throat and hit him with a Mu-Ti. Yeah, you just clinched him. Mu-Ti is where you wear a cattail candy rope around your neck like a tie. I'm rarely in the wrong though that's the beauty of being with me

according to you you've justified all kinds of shit I'm right justified dude people have told me that there was a night they remember outside of Lion's Lair where I chucked a guy into the front of the dumpster around the corner from the lair

and I don't remember that. But apparently it was pretty cool. It was the Booker for Fallon. He came to change somebody's life, and I changed his. Yeah, you changed his facial structure forever. I changed what he remembered as a child. Third through fifth grade was just gone. He fucked that guy up, dude.

Do you remember that at all? There was maybe a tussle, maybe you and I scared off a couple of new comic-aspiring comedians. I don't remember that. I'd love to get up. I'd love to get in your ass.

Let's take it outside. Pull his pants down, put the microphone inside of him. Hey, crank up, crank up the gain, Tony. Yeah, you got five minutes starting now

it rings crazy he's a pacemaker apparently something like that happened maybe maybe not a microphone inside someone but no the two times i remember there being violence at lion's lair it was you it was me yes it was totally me one time uh a guy tried to change the music after the mic and it was like me tony and the late kimian were in there oh damn yeah yeah r.i.p kimian she's the only one that i've banged who's dead oh yeah yeah you banged a dead person unlike you yeah that's your thing I've got a body count no no

I have not everybody everybody's still alive I have none there's no survivors that I've been inside yeah but he tried to change the music

to like Devo and I went up there and I grabbed him and I threw him off the soundboard that's elevated and I threw him on the ground and then he got up

and he swung on me and he missed but my glasses fell off so I punched him and then threw him off the soundboard that's elevated. And I threw him on the ground and then he got up and he swung on me and he missed but my glasses fell off. So I punched him and then a couple people held me back and I was like, fuck you, like screaming and I hawked a big loogie and I spit it at him but he moved and it hit Kimmy in right in the face. And then I was banned from Lion's Lair for two

weeks. So that was fun. Roger had to host by himself. That was when Michael Carter was stillger had to host by himself yeah well that was when uh michael carter was still hosting and then another time uh jason wasoki was on stage and he was like racist towards an asian woman in the crowd yeah he was like oh what's up ching where's your trong or whatever and then uh he did it was like really bad something like that something terrible sorry wasoki yeah and then the girl's boyfriend went on stage. Wait, not sorry.

He's quoting you. Gordy. Not Gordy. Gordy was there. Yeah. The girl's boyfriend got on stage and just punched Wasoki in the face. And then me and Peter Cohen and Vic G chased. What a dream team.

What a trio. I know. Three guys who would never hang out ever. We chased the guy down in the Walgreens parking lot, and then they just kicked him a bunch. And that was a lot of fun. There was that time at the Squire where that guy tried to steal Kevin O'Brien's phone. So me and...

Yeah, that was one of the big brawls that I did not think was going to happen. Because there were so many times where nothing happened. There were so many times where there'd be these drunken new comics or comics from out of town or friends of, you know, whatever, like, brand new guy, you know, coming through for the first time. They would, you know, get shitty or be gross on stage and there'd be some jaw jacking but rarely was there an actual tussle and then that night it actually happened and i did not think it would so i stayed inside and you guys were probably busy trying to get head from like daniel castile or whatever so he probably were how dare you well

blown away in both like oh yeah that wasn't tough no no at the squire it was all about

the comedy yeah for sure the pursuit of the arts yeah it wasn't about getting domed off in the unisex

so yeah but we chased him down me and little what was that little fucking meatball of a man devin davis yeah a little meat was the human ham devin davis yeah he was two hands with some uh

toothpick limb sticking out he was strong dude he was able to put me on his shoulders like we were at you know van halen. Right, and you kept flashing the crap. Well, yeah, and I'm dumping him out because I've never felt so safe off of my feet before. Any other time someone wanted to,

one time, Timmy Lasley wanted to try and pick me up and I almost killed her. Yeah, of course. Well, we were at fucking, uh,

you guys were, we were at, not Rhino, but Glob, I think. We were in that, we were on concrete in the, by the sleeping quarters. And fucking, not Rhino, but Glob, I think. We were in that. Oh, my God. We were on concrete. Yeah. By the sleeping quarters.

And fucking, she's like, I think I could do it. I was like, okay. And she lifted me up. And we were belly to belly, you know, chest to chest. And she just grabs me, picks me up successfully. And then immediately I, you know, her knees buckled. Oh, she didn't hit you with you know her knees buckled oh she didn't hit you with the brock lesnar no she didn't get me over she didn't get me over it i kind of sandbagged her i was not i was not uh selling for her and i was not bumping for her but no she like

got me up and then immediately uh i i you l those pressure down yeah and luckily i uh stopped myself from like you know slamming on top of her so timmy's tough too she's strong she was okay she didn't like hit her head on the on the ground luckily thank god uh oh yeah me and devin went outside and rolled this guy in a bunch of dirty old colfax snow. Yeah. And he filled his pants up with old jagged snow and rolled them around. And it was like salt cover, and he was bleeding terribly. It's pretty good. Like you are right now, your finger injury has sprung a leak. I'm weeping wound right now.

They're not going to be able to sell any of these books. Mutiny has just lost a whole bunch of their catalog. Oh, no, all these Tom Wolfe hardcovers aren't going to move. There's a Dean Kuntz down here that now is going to be, you know, maybe 75 cents instead of $1.25. I'll just say it was me. I'll sell for more. Blood of an author. There was a night at Squire where we were there after hours,

and Devin kept saying how he was going to bang these three girls. And I was like, no, you're not. And he was like, yeah, yeah, they all like me. And then I proceeded to make out with all three of the girls separately, just to spite him. Damn. Yeah, sexual spite. Good call.

It was very cruel and unusual. He thought, it seemed like he thought that because there was, like, this cool rep amongst some of us, like the comics that because there was like this cool rep amongst some of us like the comics that we like our peers, our class or whatever, that we were doing a good job just kind of, I don't know getting it in.

Getting laid and getting paid. We got, well we didn't get paid. We should have got spayed. We didn't get paid that much. We got laid now and then. And then it seemed like he thought like, oh yeah, i can't wait to cash in on this yeah birthright or whatever this wainwright and it was like this is not you don't just get to like show you know that you've been up at scruffy murphy's a couple times yeah especially when you get your knob slob he travels via backpack i mean he was small and round enough

you could just stuff him in a baby bjorn and wear him to the fair. He was like a thermos. With a dick or whatever. Not even like actual arms, but just like little fists and wrists coming out of a thermos. Thermos full of soup.

But he was like, yeah, I'm gonna get laid too. And I was like, good luck. Yeah, are you? I don't know that he did. He was shaped like Surly I'm going to get laid too. And I was like, good luck. I'm like, yeah, are you? I don't know that he did. He was shaped like Surly Duff from The Simpsons. He's just the fire hydrant of a man. I could have sharpened my knees against that stump of a human being. Oh, yeah.

That's for sure. Definitely walking whetstone. Hopefully he's doing all right. He gave us an Xbox, remember? Yeah, he gave it to us. I think we squatted on it. I think we peed on it. We were like, this is ours now.

He was like, it was, I don't even think, I think he had moved on to the PlayStation 4. We were like, we got your Xbox 360. Is it cool if we keep it? He was like, yeah, I don't play a 10-year-old console anymore. And we were like, let's go play some FIFA 98, quick. We were all about that GTA life.

We were all about FIFA, man. It almost ruined our oldest friendships. We chiefed FIFA and... Me and Bobby and Chris and Len would go over there and play FIFA and I'd have to go outside and chain smoke cigarettes after I lost to Bobby 3-0. It got real, yeah. We were competitive with comedy, but more so with FIFA.

Oh, God, I wanted to kill Chris, because he's like, it's a game of triangles, man. It's all about passing. And I was like, I could fucking buy and sell you. Speaking of buying and selling tiny people, I was talking to Truffs outside. I made him an offer. I just said, let me be your pimp.

I said, Truffs, let me be your pimp. That'd be a fun time. What? Wouldn't that be fun to pimp a boy? He's a man. He's not shaped like a man. In the eyes of God, he's a little boy. He's a little curvy boy.

Yeah, I could pimp him out. Speaking of plugs, curvy boys for life. Curvyboys.com. I was like, baby, you need a daddy. He'll a little curvy boy. Yeah, I could pimp him out. Speaking of plugs, Curvy Boys for life. Curvyboys.com. I was like, baby, you need a daddy, he'll take care of you. You tried to butter him up. He was already buttered. He's self-buttered. Yeah, he makes his own gravy. I told him, let me be your pimp. And I wasn't joking. It was a

serious offer to go in on the skin trade. It was a street corner proposition is what it was. You were like, I'll keep you safe. Yeah, I was like, I'll protect you from all the sharks in the water, baby. Little clownfish like you, you shouldn't be out here where all the hooks are dangling.

Do you think he bought it? No. Damn. Not at all. I was going to say, you're going to be rich. I would love to pimp out troughs. It'd be an uphill battle. Does anybody want to have him on top of them? I'd be surprised. A bunch of 55-year-old Cambodian guys are always hitting up his DMs.

Isn't he Dick Fib? Doesn't he have a couple of dick pics that he uses to lay the trap? And it's not his dick? I've never even heard of this concept. Buckle up. Nobody's pulled it off before. He's an innovator.

So, yeah, this is supposedly, allegedly, we gotta get Bobby under retainer. Allegedly, a certain chubby Funster I was going to say Chubby Funster too! What Gianna Michaels

superfan has done some dick fibbing and ripped off the wang of another Denver comedian. A prominent heroic staff. A dick you'll never unsee.

Yeah, a dick that's been passed around in group chats as a joke because it's so stout and sturdy. Yeah, he... This thing's like one of the five pillars of Islam. If a married woman looks at it, she turns into a pillar of salt. Yeah, she has to tithe it. This is the one troughs use or you use? If a married woman looks at it, she turns into a pillar of salt. Yeah, she has to tithe it. This is the one troughs use or you use? I'd have never sent a dick pic ever in my life.

It's foreign to me. Sam used to send dick pics and it was whichever guy who played the husband on Bewitched named Dick. Dick Sargent. Oh, no, they were both named Dick. They're both Dick, yeah. I used to just send a photo of one of the Ninja Turtles' fingers. I look like a pretty cool dick. Yeah, for sure. It's necrotic. No, but okay, so let's explain what we're talking about here.

Truff's Forest Spell. Horny young man. You know, he's my bottom bitch. He's the king of my stable. He was sending a photo of a penis to women when they asked for it. Only when they asked for it in a consensual manner. Allegedly. Only when they asked for it. And it wasn't his hog. He was wean fibbing.

He was wielding a false wand. He was. And I just think... It was a false flag. I just think... It was a false flag. I just think... How... What? Because it allows for you to get over there, for you to get that far, you're done?

You're in? It's your toe in the door. Because once she sees that it's a different dick, she's not going to care? You blame it on the lighting. Are you insane? No, you just say, look, that was a good day for my dick. Come on. Because the dick that he sent out...

That dick hasn't ever had a bad day. No. It's never like... It's all red-letter days for this dick. It doesn't look like mine sometimes. It's like, oh, damn, I wish you would have caught me last night. No, that thing's always huge. It comes confetti. Everywhere it goes, it's like it's throwing a parade.

I don't want to give the name away, but let's just say this dick had a hand in directing Oh Brother Where Art Thou. Okay. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, that's enough. Yeah, okay. That's a breadcrumb. This dick is a real big Lebowski.

A huge Lebowski. A massive Lebowski. Lebowski. A huge Lebowski. A massive Lebowski. It's frustrating how cool of a dick it is. Because it's attached to someone who's not very cool. Well, I don't know about that. You do.

I don't know anything about this guy. Gifted painter. His dick paints, too. Yeah. His dick is actually, I prefer the works of his dick to the work of his hands. I've asked him to see his dick on numerous occasions, just hanging out. Yeah. I'm like, why don't you go in the bathroom, get it chubbed up, let me see what you're working with.

IRL. But yeah, so Truff's would, I've seen a picture of Truff's dick too, because I made the mistake once of I was looking at pictures of his daughter on his phone. Oh, okay. His beautiful little daughter. And I kept swiping. Nope. And after, like, her, you know, with water wings on, really enjoying a day at the pool,

there just so happens to be the gnarliest spear I've ever seen in my day. This fucking trench digger. And I was like, holy shit, Truffs, whose is that? And he was like... That's how he laughs, you know? Yeah. And then he was like... Started choking on his laughs, you know? Yeah. And then he was like... He started choking on his own saliva. Right, he was like,

well... He fucking Donald Ducked it. Yeah, and he explained to me that this was the dick that he sent out when girls would ask for a dick, and then he was like, check this out, and he swiped over, and there was, you know, a shadow of the dick I just saw before.

It was his actual ween. Yeah. Just a tribute to the cock before him. The cock that he aspired to wield. I mean, good move, dude. Hey. Is it? I don't know.

I don't know the rules. It's not a good move. I think it's bad. Because it's not your dick. Somebody else's dick. It's like, you know, and these are comedians that are involved. It's stolen fucking valor, dude. It's right. It's vain.

It's stolen vain valor. And... I don't want someone to approach him at the mall recording him. It's swollen valor, and I don't... I don't appreciate it. It just...

Oh, I was going to say, it's the same thing as stealing another comic's jokes. You don't steal their punchlines, and you don't steal their freaking trough line. You don't steal their pants, Jaguar. Pants, Jaguar? Well, you know... Is that a Paul F. Tompkins album?

Jaguar. Pants Jaguar? Well, you know. Is that a Paul F. Tompkins album? I'm trying to fucking reach into the barrel of monkeys and pull out some apt descriptors. It's literally, if an ancient civilization saw this dick, they would build a religion around it. A way of life. They would have killed a virgin. Yeah, with this dick.

This dick would split a... Hoping for a strong harvest season. It doesn't pop a cherry. It massacres it. Alright? Then I eat the jam. I think it's good for me. Anyway, Truffs, shout out. Shout out to you, Truffs. I'm gonna pimp out your little boy hole.

All over the front range. I'm going to be selling tickets to that bussy. So get ready for that, pal. What plugs? Let me finish. Look, guys, our favorite sponsor, your favorite sponsor, holdthephone.tv. All the best comedy shows in town. In the Internet town.

In the Internet town, yeah. Nationwide, worldwide, universal wide. Worldwide web in Indiana. Yeah. They got Hot Tub on Mondays. They got Sean O'Connor host Quiplash on the weekends. They got Kyle Kinane and Matt Bronger's talk show. Hey, girl.

Hey, girl. Hey, girl. Yeah, they're just appropriating black women speak. That's cool. They're misappropriating fun. They are, yeah. And the fun can be had by you at home. So get on holdthephone.geocities at angelfire.gov. Yeah.

And check it out. Jake Brown, he needs the money, guys. and check it out. Jake Brown's, he needs the money, guys. He's trying to buy another shark tooth necklace so he can impress all of his friends at BC Surf and Sport. He's a Quicksilver guy. But yeah, dude, holdthephone.tv, that's the label, and they pay us. I'm going to give this out for free, which was great advice from Jake Brown before I did one of his Internet shows that you also did.

Comics, if you're going to do a Zoom show, if you're going to do an online show, set up your setup so that you can be standing while you perform. While you perform. Because sitting on your couch at home is not going to give you that same kind of energy that you would have if you're delivering your set standing up. Yeah, this was months ago, too. Solid advice about comedy from Jake Brown. I know, yeah. Whoa! Yeah, Jake is a scholar and did his research. Yeah, Jake is a scholar and did his research.

No, it was a great call because I had tried to do maybe one or two online shows before that. Probably bombed. Sitting down, ate all of the shit that could come out of an ass. No, but it was true that being able to stand up and do your jokes felt better and I think allowed you to be more animated than if you're trying to just like sit and look cool. That's why people listen to this pod so they can learn how to dominate their Zoom shows. Yeah, well, this podcast is by comics for comics. It is for sure, dude. Yeah, fooboo.

Folk doke. What is it? Fuck buck. Yeah, so that's What is it? Fuck buck. Yeah, so that's a fucking giant bit of wisdom. That's the same amount of wisdom you'll get from Jeff Cohen's dick, alright? Allegedly. Allegedly he has a huge hog. Why would he be upset

that we're saying he's got a big dick? I'm not worried about him being upset. He choked up on it with two hands and there were still like six more inches of dick in that photo. Oh, yeah. No, I just don't want the word to get out. I don't want to help him get laid. Why?

Because he has a huge dick, and he's a talented painter, and he doesn't need to also do stand-up. Pick two. To be fair, though, he does look like the personification of slime. Cut your dick off or throw your joke book away, because you know the art is paying the bills. Yeah. Well, the dick's paying the bills. He's going on Craigslist and just cleaning up with every drifter and runaway in town.

So, yeah, listen to Hold the Phone.TV, everyone. Or watch it, too. You know, Zoom shows suck. They're the only ones who do a good job, and we're glad to have them as a sponsor. They figured it out. They're doing a great job with it. Also, Jake Brown's co-producer and partner, Little Sam,

she could literally sleep in my mouth. She's so small. Tiny dynamite. We gotta get her another acorn so she can have a week's worth of meals. She eats like a barn mouse. Don't forget to like, share, and subscribe. Spread the word. Hey, this pod's taken off.

You're in the ground floor of what people are calling another podcast. Yet another fucking podcast. No, this podcast rules. You know it. We know it. I told that story early on. We're playing with different parts of the form,

trying to figure out the art of it. Oh yeah, you weaved a tale that was as captivating as any work of literature. Thank you, yeah. By my book. That story was like Jeff's dick or one of his paintings. It was captivating.

It was enthralling and engorged. And scary. It held me hostage. And a little sublime. Yeah. The terrifying beauty of the void. Whatever you do, don't look Jeff's dick in the eye, because you will turn to stone. Yeah, it'll tell you how you die. It's a cursed totem.

What else is there? Oh, yeah. Nothing. I don't know. We got our Patreon at patreon.com slash chubbymahemoth. We have exclusive episodes available. And sooner or later, we're going to have to do a live chat, an AMA. That's right. And that'll be fun. So get on the old Patreon.

Also, I was on Sam Tripoli's tinfoil hat last night live when they announced that Trump had COVID. The chat went wild. Never seen that kind of behavior from free adults. And yeah, check me out on there, I guess. He asked me who I'm voting for, and I was like, well, I'm going to vote for Biden. And then just immediately a bunch of people called me the F-slur in the chat. What? Yeah, of course.

Were they voting for Howie Mandel or whoever the fuck? No, they're voting for Jeff Cohen's dick. Howie Hopkins? Yeah. You know, I tried to write in Jeff Cohen's dick, but there wasn't enough room on the ballot. It split the ballot in half. So, yeah. Chubby Behemoth.

Patreon.com slash Chubby Behemoth. Give us some money. You did the right thing. We love you. We need you. You get the tip for free, but the shaft is going to cost you. Yeah, the shaft's going to fucking Kool-Aid man your pussy. Oh yeah, it's all red.