Chubby Behemoth - Thunder Rolls

Episode Date: April 21, 2021

Ramp & Everything. Spencers To Hot Topic. The Hole TIme.   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth   Extra Episodes at https://www.Patreon.com/chubbybehemoth

Oh, Sam's got the fisherman look going today. Gordon Beers. Hey, man, it's me. Hey. DJ Dickless, what up? Hey, thanks for joining me. Good to have you all here today on the Dickless Hour. Hey, so I'm joined, as always, by my producer, Rotten Randy,

the Million Dollar Con Man. Randy, say what up to the folks at home. Oh, hey, I thought you were gonna... No, you're the guest, stupid. Randy. I thought Emily was gonna say something wild. No, Randy, come on. You know Emily's dead.

You know, she mixed up her... She mixed up her... she mixed up her medication and fell asleep driving that bus. All right. So, Randy, just tell them, hey. Oh, hey, man. Good to see you. My producer, not my guest. You guys need to start taking improv classes.

I had a whole thing. I thought we were going to get into it. You guys need to start taking improv classes. I had a whole thing. I thought we were going to get into it. I mean, yeah. I started after the ashtrain at Bovine had derailed. Yeah, that's all right.

Well, hey, guys. We're here. I took your intro class, and it sucked. My class ruled. You just tried to bang me the whole time. Well, I technically tried to finger you. Yeah, finger bang. Finger bang, yes.

Oh, I see. Well, in that case, yes. I was trying to finger bang you. But this is a regional thing. You're trying to play me like a tech deck. I was, yeah. I fucking built a ramp and everything. I was trying to put trucks on you. I was trying to make friends with teens using your ween. Well, yeah, thanks for coming in hot.

Hey, man, of course. I'm glad we could immediately throw a gallon of ice water on top of it. That was good. Good work, Becker. Lund, you tried to get in there, but Becker's the producer. He's Rotten Randy. I was unaware. I'm 420 morning high. Oh, cool. More drug dependency excuses from Becker's the producer. He's Rotten Randy. I was unaware. I'm 420 morning high.

Oh, cool. More drug dependency excuses from Becker. What else is new? Yeah. I told him I started 420 by looking at some YouTube videos about Bicycle Day because I saw a few people talk about it yesterday, 419. And it's an acid. It's an LSD thing an lsd thing bicycle day you know yeah it's when

the guy who initially synthesized lsd uh accidentally got high hopped on his bike had a great ride and then slathered his bicycle in lsd he did yeah and then he drove he did laps around that uh school and got all the kids high and they they rebelled, and they ate their teachers. The sprinklers were on, and so he got blasted, and then, yeah, the kids were all around twirling and twirling as the sprinkler water doused them with consciousness. It was like that scene in The Simpsons where they're wearing uniforms, and then they get wet, and all of a sudden,

they're like kaleidoscopic and psychedelic and writhing yeah a lot of writhing incense and peppermint starts playing i didn't think about it till now but in those videos it mentions you know it was 1943 switzerland which i guess you know not occupied but uh they the world war i II was happening. There was a global war, and this dude trips on LSD for the first time. Not the ideal time in history to experience such a powerful drug while the Holocaust is in full swing. Yeah, that'd be a real heavy trip. Yeah, you're considering not only all this shit

about uh life and death but the fact that death is uh right around your corner and your allegiance to uh neutrality is precarious at best i mean you're you know 500 yards away from uh the the nazi empire knocking on your back window and saying, hey, let me get a piece of pie. Let me get a glass of milk, Switzerland. I missed all of that because my computer was about to die. But it sounds like you guys

were getting to the bottom of something and I'm glad you did. Well, Randy, Nasty Randy finally showed up. Becker shook off the cobwebs. Oh, cool. He put his improv hat on? That's right.

Well, I like that you threw it to him first i mean i guess the producer thing was supposed to be a clue yeah that was a real little small breadcrumb that i left i'm gonna i'm gonna be honest i was so high i just heard randy i didn't even pick up on producer becker was like i'm not randy therefore i'm tuning out he's like i'm not randy but i am horny, baby. Yeah. And I genuinely did think, like, the way you were looking up, I thought Emmy was about to jump on and say something real fun. No, she was home for 10 minutes.

She watched me eat a bunch of yogurt and chickpeas. She shook her head. She kicked Gordy in the side real hard, told us both we were losers, and left. The way you were gesturing to your side, thought you were picking up gordy so that was why i hesitated at first so you thought gordy learned to talk no i thought you were gonna grab him and then show him to us and do a voice for him that would probably be filipino because of yesterday's episode you'd'd ride that Filipino wave and butcher Tagala and we would be on our way to the races.

No, man, to the racists, we're a big hit. No, I mean, it is 420 and I hope you guys are celebrating. I'm celebrating the same way I do every 420 by putting on a long duster jacket and intimidating dorks. That's what I do every 420 by putting on a long duster jacket and intimidating dorks. That's what I do. I went down to the roller rink wearing my long duster and sunglasses, and I said, hey, do you believe in God?

Your seven-dust duster. Do you believe in God? Do you want to kiss him right now? A make a true 303 420 yeah exactly you know how weird that uh i mean is it an example of how uh deliberate the media can turn and can twist the story that they concocted this whole narrative that the two of them were not only goth but like a part of a goth death cult and they were like smiley happy kids until like the day before that shit went down they were like butting up shirt doing their hair trying to get laid every day of their life they shopped at spencer's gifts and then the day before they shot all those kids they went to hot topic

that's what i had one one receipt in the bedroom for some dusters and some black nail polish. And then they were like, how many times did they pray that Marilyn Manson would kill the president? Right. Did you see the receipts they had that they found on their persons? It was like Hot Topic, Claire's for black nail polish, and then Dick's Sporting Goods for seven ARs. No. It was all at park meadows that was opening weekend at park meadows mall becker you remember that i did not remember the mall details or the receipts but i i i was in the third grade yeah okay so i was uh four years old or

whatever because you're old and i'm young you guys are you guys are right by each other right shut up oh i forgot you're rebranding you're rebranding as 25 yeah young ya genius this kid this kid's tearing up the scene in the YA department. Yeah, I've been learning a bunch of new slang from our roommate, Katerina, and I've been trying to use it. It's not going well. What's your favorite new one? Well, I was going to say, has she explained cap versus no cap

versus cape? Yeah, so a cape is what heroes wear, like Dylan and Eric. A duster can be a cape is what heroes wear like dylan and eric um a duster can be a cape yeah if they just want to tie the arms around their neck and they had no cap. I'll tell you that. Yeah, I like live dead or live on. That's a new one. I don't know what it means, but I've been saying it a lot. That's a good move.

No, that's terrible. You better figure it out before you blow it. Hey, man, rip. R.I.P.? On period. Listen to this. Whoa. There better be a T at the end of that period there's a question mark at the end of that one would you like to know more

yeah what's this on period I think that means you know like on period man I'm serious okay I literally don't know she if she's upstairs right now she's come down and tell us all the cool slang well no you gotta you gotta talk to her off pod and then come in with the uh info i don't want to do that that's fine you already dedicate uh an hour to this program one to four times a month yeah man i mean it's

tough to figure out our busy schedules i'm ready i uh you hit the ground running you started getting booked left and right uh right away which is good i'm glad that you were able to do that well it's just because there's an airport within four hours of me so i can do that well i'm saying also uh you got a little heat going it's not like people are banging down my front door they would if you would just put it out like hey it's me nate lunn let's get with it i'm gonna hit up uh new mexico real hard they're gonna know my first and last name albuquerque santa fe alamo gordo chacon what if you became the king of new mexico comedy well carlos medina has uh got a dominant foothold but i think i could maybe uh flank him you know so maybe avoid santa fe albuquerque at first but go around a very

hitler-esque move i'm gonna go out and around into the countryside, gather momentum, and dominate along the border of New Mexico. East, Clayton. Yeah, Cortez. Yeah, south. And then maybe swing into Arizona, hit up Gilbert, Arizona, take that down. You should book Clayton again. Remember

that show? Is Jerry Phillips alive or dead? He is. He left a review of my book. Oh, sick. Yeah, and it was his face and I was like, whoa, Jerry, you're alive, man. Drinking plenty of that Clayton water keeps you young.

What a mutant he was, but he was nice to us. Yeah. I hung out with Cam last night down here they came down for the trinidad lounge opening whoa humble brag cam came down and we were reliving stuff what did cam have to say now tell tell everyone at home who cam is has anybody seen Deadpool? Oh yeah, he got his look ripped off. Yeah. In Deadpool. Oh, by TJ Miller?

Yeah, he did a full cam. It's not the first time he's taken without asking, from what I've been told. Jesus Christ. You're the one who opens for him. Yeah, he was a victim of identity theft. He looks just like Deadpool. He does, yeah. Cam's a burn victim that we hang out with. Yeah, he's all

scarred up. He fell asleep smoking in bed and survived, barely. No, he used to manage the comedy work. He's been a bartender for years and years at some of Denver's

most beloved bars and taverns. If you go into the Squire or the Matchbox and ask for Cam, tell tell him lun sent you and he'll give you a real stiff drink cam's been around so long it for you know it was andrew and aaron behind the bar at the squire and then it was cam and aaron or cam and andrew behind the bar at the squire that feels like two lifetimes ago uh res and p's aaron she passed away and

somehow cam is like looking as young as ever he looks speaking of 25 he could rebrand at any time now i saw him recently and i did not think that he looked that young well he thinks he looks young i know he look he doesn't look 40 he doesn't look 39 no he doesn't he's beautiful 39 you look 42 he looks 32 i do i'm the youngest one on this podcast i'm only 23 but i look like the oldest one you're the youngest one in curls yeah it's crazy to only be like 21 on this podcast with a bunch of old guys trying to keep up with your references you're maggie simpson over here uh still very much in the oral stage uh but yeah cam cam said he if he wrote a book a bunch of it would be about the the time he went on tour with us that was how important those three weeks were

and i was like man most of those shows sucked and but that he was right anyway the most of those shows sucked but it was still like the best time of our lives yeah he should write a book and i could put it out of my new publishing company too big to fail press oh hell yeah make him make him do it no i mean i don't know dude i don't want to twist anyone's arm and doing something that's really hard that's why i never ask anyone to do anal with me because my butt's dirty oh yeah you're never done pooping i'm not dude it's just like i put it on pause it's on period for a minute and then it's like live on but there is a question mark am i done pooping probably not so who had the first cold tasty at the trinidad lounge

they shared a picture it was a couple that I think came down from Denver. I think they were friends of Kurt and Suzanne, the owners. So a couple of old deadbeats got the first tasty? No, no, no. They're both 21. They're young upstarts, Kurt and Suzanne. Like me. I'll be 21 next year.

Yeah, you can. You're aging in rivers minute by minute your time your skin is regenerating uh yeah i didn't know them though it wasn't uh it wasn't cam and michelle they weren't first in the door but they were came down a bunch of cool looking people hanging out in there it was ideal for me because uh they had to they capped it at like 50 or 60 people and it's a pretty big bar so like you didn't have people shoulder to shoulder you know bumping into each other spilling cranberry juice on your shirt

well you had a bunch of guys and girls in there dressed like they were in the lumineers you know you just had a bunch of nathaniel ratelis in there. Then you had old Sid. You had London there wearing cut-off shorts and a shirt that says, Who Farted? On the back, it says, It Was Me the Whole Time. H-O-L-E. Yeah. So,

how was it being in there surrounded by the young and the restless, Nathan? It was good. It was a good feel. It's a cool looking bar they didn't change a whole lot they just kind of cleaned it up it's been closed for a long time and uh they had a couple of country western singers coming through that's why i've got a little bit of twang myself uh they came rolling through on the old steel horse yeah it's funny how everyone uh who was into punk rock as soon as they turned 35 which

i'll be in what 15 years now uh as soon as they turn 35 they just get into western swing it's very bizarre that phenomenon it's it's worldwide you slow down a little bit you put away the switchblade you pick up a comb and you start greasing your hair back and walking with your feet pointed eastward and westward yeah a lot of them get a cane like they get weird affectations like they'll get like a pocket watch like cam has that necklace with a bear tooth on it or whatever yeah no it's yeah it's what's a bear head i think okay well either way uh if it wasn't cam it'd be trying too hard yeah it makes it look uh effortless well the difference is uh you know there's the people that gravitate towards it and there's the people that uh grab it you know that like steal it uh from uh from others from the

creators or from the uh natural adopters i don't't know. It's fun when white people appropriate other white cultures. That's how desperate white people are for an identity. Hey, I'm a cowboy now. I like that. What page in the catalog did you order that from? That's a nice getup.

It's like, I turned 38 and guess what? Now I look like a truck driver in the 70s. That's who I'm going to be. I liked the idea of trucker hats until they exploded because uh most hats i just sweat right through them because you know it's getting hot up there and then the ventilation from the trucker back half it was like oh this is perfection this is science uh advancing in real time and then ashton kutcher was like hey i'm trucker hat guy and they had them at at every uh asshole you know ab Abercrombie and Fitch store that you could throw a dime at.

Yeah, it's like, hey, dude, where's my personality? Oh, it's a trucker hat. It's right here. Yeah. This plaid front mesh back. It's been this Von Dutch hat the whole time. Von Dutch. I couldn't think of it.

I thought of hollister american eagle i bet you did because they had little boys in the ad that's why they were on the tip of your tongue their mannequins had nipples they did yeah oh man i was in the nike store in chicago uh last week they got some big old thick mannequins in there oh my god i want to know the original butt that sat in that plaster because i'd like to buy it a saddle and take it around the ranch it's crazy check on the crops did you get any kicks no i didn't dude i went in there um i was with donnie townsend and i thought how funny it would be if we had matching sweatsuits for our run of shows so i was in there and i was like let's get let's get

sweatsuits donnie and he was like you got it big cat you know he talks like rotten randy i hoped randy would have talked and then we get in there and we're looking at stuff and they don't have any of my size and i asked the the young fly guy i was like hey you guys have four x's and he's like on the shelves no way you got to get that stuff through the website and then he did a break dance so they sent me to destination xl is literally what they did and then they laughed at you because uh they don't have four xl well they don't and also you have to be 18 to shop at destinationination XL. And I'm not there yet. I have this fake ID, but it's not working very well. So, you're 19 and a half?

Yeah. No. I mean, as a 17-year-old, almost 18, like, you know, I just wanted to get some clothes for the big guy. I have this Sadie Hawkins dance I'm going to next week. Why? You have, what, three three at least two sweatsuits and then you don't bring either of them and you say to donnie you know what we need are two more sweatsuits well one for you and a fourth for me because i can't stop yeah i'm addicted to spending i remember my dad gave when he gave me my allowance last week he was like do whatever

you want with this you know just don't spend it on anything smart so um when i do get my permit uh in a couple weeks i think i'm probably gonna save up to get a car or something uh and donnie didn't want to get one so that you guys could match next time he just skipped it I wasn't going to buy him a sweatsuit just to have so he could have a sweatsuit he's not ready for that lifestyle you wanted to turn heads

everywhere you went for those five days in the Midwest yeah that's exactly what I wanted to do I wanted people to be like in this easy top video I wanted us to walk by and they'd go... You wanted fire hydrants to explode and just gush water everywhere into the street. I wanted every two liter we walked by to explode.

Glass coffee pots shattering as you walk by the appliance. Yeah, just dogs start barking becker i did not buy any shoes i gave up on cool shoes becker i'm done with that game you had great shoes though yeah i know but now i'm getting like adidas all white 40 walking shoes they're the most comfortable shoe i'm in them for life now $40 walking shoes. They're the most comfortable shoe. I'm in them for life now. Hell yeah.

Yeah. I did maybe like four pairs of Adidas in a row. Cause I liked, I liked what I was, what I was getting and I'll probably get another pair. White shoes are tough, man. You can't go anywhere in them. You're never going to trip over your own feet out and about.

Yeah. Right. Well, now that you've quit drinking, you should be good. I'm more aware. Yeah, the odds. But, you know, I'm walking my dogs. I guess I'd have to only wear them if I'm walking or if I'm driving somewhere.

What, I got to vacuum the floor of my car just to put these honkers on? Come on. Well, I mean, when Lund was drinking, it wasn't like his mode of locomotion was somersaults. I mean, he wasn't doing new cool moves every day. He just had his – he had a necklace slump, and he'd walk into places and go, and they'd be like, you got it, Nathan. You want relish on that?

And he'd be like, coming right up. him you want relish on that and he'd be like man yeah i don't know uh i like the the black adidas because uh you know you wear them on stage wear a dark shoe on stage but you were going with like bright white and then you got size 15 and a half wides down there yeah then i wear shorts i break every rule i'm the bad boy of comedy black sneakers are un-american it's because i don't know any better man you know that's the beauty of being in eighth grade is like i haven't figured out white sneakers uh with shorts yeah i guess is a move black uh black shorts and then black shoes just makes me think of beavis and butthead every time oh yeah for sure that's a beavis and butthead look uh they started it other white people appropriated it now beavis and butthead were white right

yeah okay my mom won't let me watch those shows but i think butthead might have been mediterranean i never mediterranean i didn't like how about that not bad thank you you better go subterranean with that shit so how are you guys celebrating this the holiest of holidays for for your subculture i got up pretty uh early and then got kind of stoned and went over to jay's uh recording space and got very stoned for cougar morning show okay and then uh his his wife also got off for lunch so they decided they were gonna have lunch so i came home to take a break before more getting high action and uh then we decided to podcast this all this all filled my day out nice perfect my wife got

off for lunch and then i got her off at lunch i don't know if you guys heard about that you nice i'm kidding she had a salad you had a different salad more of a savory oh yeah there was lots of peppercorns in there grind them up so i mean becker have you been imbibing more than you typically would or is this another day in your greasy office uh it's just another day in my greasy office i'd be it'd be a real shit show for me to consume more than i normally would right you've raised the bar yeah to the ceiling so there's no performative doubling of uh this habit because that would just be it would just be inefficient uh on a yeah like if i were drinking as much as i got high people would be very concerned people would be like cam put down

the bottle yeah now cam's good he was able to talk to me the all night last night that's not a high bar well no let me finish let me finish i didn't start desperately wanting to get the hell out of there because he could still you know he didn't repeat himself every 10 seconds like people start to do after midnight yeah he was still coming up with some good stuff you know what i mean he's uh well he's like becker you know you watch what he puts in and it's's like, okay, he's going to be a complete waste of oxygen and carbon dioxide. But no, they make it work. because I just haven't wanted to go out and about as much. I fell out of practice, and so then, you know, all of a sudden you can't, like, go do anything high because you're afraid that you're going to forget

how to form words with your mouth. So I've been keeping it mostly at home at the end of the night. So this has been slightly different for me, a blast from the past. Well, I'm happy for you guys, man. I've just been taking spoonfuls of curry powder to try and get back into the spirit, and it's not going well, honestly. It's actually a nightmare.

Put that shit on some rice. Well, I had my usual lunch of yogurt with chickpeas and cucumber and dill and onion, and I ate it in front of Katerina, and she said, gag me with a spoon, Motorola, and then she left. She said, hello, Moto. Yeah. She's like, chirp me, and then she left. Remember when that was supposed to be the future was those fucking like walkie talkies yeah those those things fucking rocked yeah what they rock about uh selling drugs in a mountain canyon and being able to keep tabs on where cops were at any

time okay so yeah that's a really small market though if you're a fucking salesman who lives in a mine if you're if you're living in the bottom of a well and still trying to sell teeners of course that was perfect or a meth salesman in like a regular apartment complex because what what's the thinking behind that they're not saving your data no it's faster you don't there's no call there's a voice all of a sudden in the room huh it's like a walkie-talkie faster you don't there's no call there's a voice all of a sudden in the room huh it's like a walkie-talkie like you don't answer the chirp the chirp just would come so you'd be driving and all of a sudden somebody would be like slow the fuck down there's three cops up on the corner because this was when you were in dukes of hazard i forgot when you were

working in teams moving drugs and convoys yeah there were like four four no like four of us had them me lutherland guy who else somebody else had one oh uh wait who had johnson me and lutherland geich and jerry johnson had them we were dumping them out all the time and chirping them oh that's fun what uh what was the company nextel nextel and i still technically have that chirp service because i haven't canceled my nextel contract because i get a ridiculous phone agreement damn can you chirp me right now i don't think so but i do get because you don't have my number no but i get a coded like five six digit number for my chirp every time i renew my service but i don't know what i could do with it the other person has to have that same service to

do the walkie-talkie thing right yeah to chirp it yeah so sam uh back to the drawing board time has passed you by once again well my parents said that when i turn 10 i can get a phone you can go a whole whole school year without getting in a fight as soon as i have one week without wetting the bed i can get a phone were you guys bedwetters no no i pissed the bed once when i was like 13 it was the first time i ever pissed the bed this is a premonition i had of what's going to happen in three years but i remember i pissed the bed and i went out i woke up for school and i was like what the fuck is this i had a dream that i was swimming and i was like i remember it clear as day i had a dream that i was swimming and i was like, oh, cool. I can pee in here. And then I woke up and I was soaked

in piss. And I just went downstairs in my soaked undies and I was like, my mom and dad were making breakfast and I was like, I peed the bed. And my dad, you know, peeked over his sunglasses. My mom's hat spun around. And they were like, what? And I was like, yeah, I guess I peed the bed.

And they were like, this is insane. And no guess i peed the bed and they were like this is this is insane and then no one was mad it was just more of like you know oh yeah everybody's intrigued yeah they were like what okay let's go check it out so then i just remember my dad and my mom and my sister standing in my room being like yep indeed that's that's piss oh yeah i'm sure you've mentioned how you had the fridge there was no no bottles of water in there so i'm sure everybody could see exactly where this piss had gone uh the foam they were just glad that i didn't piss in a two liter and hide it under the bed like i usually did dude i stole your move oh yeah you did yeah a couple couple mornings ago i had to i whizzed into a jar in the kitchen and uh pretty wild but you know uh

i i had to do it this time because there were other times because you know uh in our old place in this place we got one bathroom and on the rare occasion that megan and i both wake up in the middle of the night and have to go to the bathroom when the thunder rolls i'm letting her go in there because uh you know i i swore a vow of love and commitment so i'm letting her go to the bathroom and then i have to pee so bad and i'm just waiting and you used to live right behind me in, in that courtyard and you would whiz in the courtyard. A lot of people would just be like, Oh yeah, I can just whiz in the courtyard. And it's like, there's 20 windows facing into that courtyard that somebody can look out

of at any time. That's why I did it. And see you. Well, yeah, you were getting off on the publicity on the, you thought that was urine. That was just a stream of jizz yeah you were getting you were you liked putting on a show i didn't like the idea of that being how some of my neighbors finally see me is like oh i can hear pissing and then they figure it's a dog but no it's a man it's a person well because you do it on all fours i never did that uh never went out there but there

was a time where i held it and i'm just dying i'm just in i'm walking around i'm waiting for megan to get out of there and i'm like i'm i'm gonna i'm gonna piss my pants awake not even have the the cover of of sleep and uh so this time i was like fuck it i fuck it. I'm not doing that again. So we had an empty juice jug, glass, and I peed into that. Almost filled it up, so I had to dump it in the sink halfway through and then peed some more. And I was done and back in bed before Megan had wiped her ass. So I'm going to count it as a win. That's a huge win for men all over.

But yeah, put your dick in a jar if you need to. Come on, I didn't cut it. It was glass. It was smooth. Welcomed me in. Afterwards, Megan was concerned because this was a 32-ounce glass jar. And I told her how I had to dump it halfway through. And she was like, how much did you piss?

She was like concerned. Sam, you were not because you've tested the limits of how much a human can pee. Well, my first question when you hit me with this salacious story was, why didn't you pee in the sink in the kitchen? And you said it's because the sink was too high it's too tall it's uh becker knows it's a tall sink i mean i've been there too i've seen the sink oh yeah you've been in the sink i forgot you were four foot ten because it's just funny to think of you being like like upping yourself and standing on a standing on an apple box to pee in your own sink your undies are

down around your knees there's the kitchen window goes right onto the porch so that wouldn't have been a great move it would have been fine i i mean if i'm in a hotel room by myself first thing i'll do is pee in the sink i love it god i love peeing in the sink man i don't know what it is but it's just like it's like a sweetest taboo for me. Yeah, it's that you love breaking the rules. I love breaking all the rules. Yeah, any rule. It doesn't matter.

Yeah, if it's a rule, I'll shatter it. You like to act out. And then everyone will copy me. Well, I was going to say you like peeing into a full-length mirror, but that is a move sometimes that is uh on the toilet is a big old mirror and it's like who the hell decided yeah i want to see my dick every time i piss i want i hate catching myself front i hate

catching myself pooping especially if i'm nude the mirror on the back of the door yeah it just was like a man made of donut holes is fucking pooping out more custard somebody i always think of uh somebody who like killed some people and in an article about him there was a picture of him on the toilet and it was like his hulking frame you know and i was like why are they doing this to him he's already been through some shit you know and and uh decided to to kill some people and then also here's a picture of him on the toilet looking fat as hell was he giving a thumbs up no he was like i don't think he wanted his picture taken surprisingly enough because he was on the

toilet I think it might have been during a party and so you know he's like get out of here that's the only boundary I have is I never want Emily I don't want anyone to come in the bathroom while I'm in there oh yeah that's a it's an interesting move to have the open door policy I hate it yeah I'd rather skip it uh I've had uh door and closed door with various partners over the years. I prefer the closed door. You know, yeah, let's keep it separate. Let's share everything else. No one should have to see what I'm doing in there.

I turn the lights off. I shatter all the mirrors. I put a blindfold on. No one should be privy to what I do in the privy. It sucks. You bird box it. You're like, nobody look or else you'll die. Yeah.

You'll be forever jaded. You'll see your worst fear. Yeah, you'll know the date of your own death. Because it's really horrific what I do in there often. I've also been eating Metamucil now. Oh, my God. Yeah. What the fuck owe me another roll of toilet paper because i'm mowing through them why are you taking it

because i really want to see what i can do i like testing the limits i want to know like what lies beneath because there's got to be just there's got to be 30 to 50 pounds of feces inside of me well yeah that is the thing that people are are trying to avoid is the backup the just the natural backing up that can happen if you don't blast that shit out of there hard i've been eating it for three days three spoonfuls a day and I've yet to really pop the cork on whatever button so when it comes there's a countdown clock

in the corner of the screen and you've got 20 minutes like if it happened if I had the urge right now I would take the toilet into the bathroom and we'd continue the episode. Yeah, get the toilet out of the backyard, bring it into the bathroom where it belongs.

It's going to be nuts. To the extreme, brought a toilet into your shared backyard area. It might weigh as much as my niece does right now and she's a year old. Oh, yeah. I'm exactly five years older than she is you're an uncle you got an uncle cousin

i'm five you barely use the toilet but when you do you want it to count. You got shapes to learn. Oh, son of a bitch. It's going to be nuts, though. Like, I'm going to have to call you guys when it does go down. Oh, yeah, for sure. Document it. Emily has begged me to stop. The last thing she said before she went to bed last night

with a sweet release of sleep soaker was, hey, maybe don't eat the metamucil tomorrow huh honey and i was like i have to he's never heard a five-year-old be so funny not on purpose yeah i don't know what they're saying half the time yeah emmy's very serious about this metamucil situation she's scared i think she's jealous maybe it will uh result eventually in uh less damage in the bathroom. You get some of that out of there, and then your farts aren't as awful smelling.

Your shits aren't as nightmare-inducing. Well, because your old apartment in Denver, the bathroom was connected to your bedroom. We'd be laying in bed watching old wrestling videos, and then I'd be like, hey, I have to go brush my teeth and wink at you. And then I'd be in there pooping. My poops don't smell that bad.

That's the interesting thing. You claim this. And there's so many people that can tell you otherwise. And you refuse to listen. You smell so bad. What do you know? A special bad. I've ridden in a car with you before.

I didn't shit in the car becker oh so only your farts stink and you don't fart when you shit i don't fart when i shit i don't cross the streams he has several holes down there one for farting one for shitting yeah i'm like yeah that's right a duck has one hole for everything. You have the opposite. You have specialized holes. Look, my mommy bought me a book that has ducks in it, and I just learned to read it because I'm only four. I'm running out of years here. You're going to be crawling in a womb by the end of this.

I'm going to write a Roomba. years here you're gonna be crawling in a womb by the end of this i'm gonna ride a roomba i got this niece and she opened up all of her first year birthday presents and she just kept crawling in the bag in the box and it was the best thing ever oh yeah she's like a cat she's got a cat brain god she would just growl at me here's the thing about her she would just go and i couldn't tell if she was gonna smile or cry. she would just look at me from across the hall and start crying. she did not care for me but then the last day I was there I really forced myself on her and I fed her a bottle and sang to her and she fell asleep and I was like yes I've done it and then I went to pull the bottle away and she woke up and looked at me and started screaming so it was it was it was the worst

yeah you should have handed her off immediately and counted as a win but you're like oh I gotta cherish it and you overstayed your welcome yeah I mean I did for sure my first uh my nephew's first birthday party I kept a respectable distance because mom and dad, hey, they're cool. I've heard their voices. I've seen their faces for every day for the last year. So they're, you know, cool in my little book. That's one page long. And then I'm over there, you know, I can't come on strong.

I can't, you know, hold this kid. I think I tried maybe like the third day. I was like, let me try to hold him. Of course, immediately he thinks he's being kidnapped, thinks he's never going to see mom and dad again. He's about to be swallowed whole. Yeah, yeah. So, yeah, and I'm smiling at him and saying, it's okay.

I'm not going to trust that. Yeah. I have my mask on. I have my orange hat on. I have my glasses. I look like I'm some kind of, I'm going going to trust that. I have my mask on. I have my orange hat on. I have my glasses. I look like I'm going to eat her dreams. And then I'll be like, hey, Susu, it's me. And she's like, ah, ah.

She just shits and throws up at the same time, which I've done, and it's not as much fun as it sounds. Have you guys ever experimented with Metamucil or any kind of fiber supplement? Yeah, I love that fucking horse. Makes it hard to poop. Okay, cool. So that's going into the cart at the Walgreens

is Metamucil. Yeah. Some cute cotton swabs. Yeah, if you ever see somebody just buying Metamucil and Yeah. Some cute cotton swabs. Yeah. If you ever see somebody just buying Metamucil and tinfoil there, they're having a time. Interesting. They got to wrap that burrito to go.

But yeah, you should be feeling it already. Have you been eating any like leafy greens? Oh yeah. I'm eating, you know no actually i have not i had half a cucumber today and i'm like yeah i'm gonna live forever but yeah no i also was on the road for a week just doing whatever i wanted eating uh do you have any white castle i did not have white castle actually i didn't talk about

how far are we from the closest one nathan i know where the closest one is in brit iowa where the hobo festival is i know that because remember nathan when we drove out with abby jordan to chicago yes we googled it and we went to that white castle and that's where all those great white castle jokes came from no no no we were still we were in illinois no no mister i remember because i was the one doing all the work as usual because i was driving you weren't driving okay stefan drove oh yeah so i was uh riffing yeah you were like hey abby look at this cool thing i can do hey abby look at me I'm in the shotgun. She didn't come back with us.

I know. I wonder why. She was thinking about the White Castle talk. Yeah. Okay, well, there's a bunch of them in Chicago, and then not between Chicago and Iowa. That seems dumb. So Iowa's closer to us than Chicago is, believe it or not.

I'm saying we looked it up on the way back to Denver. We could have gotten them in Chicago. We did not. We didn't. We really savored it. Then we had to drive six hours. Yeah, and I was like, oh, we're not getting paid for this? Cool.

Why did we drive out here to do this show for eight people? Oh, yeah, the Mo Welch show. Did we do one show? We drove 15 hours. We were like two beers with Nathan from the Patreon. We were, yeah. Shout out to two beers with Nathan. Only that was when we were fucking two cases with Nathan.

Yeah, two Crave cases, please. One for each of us. Yes, cheese. No napkins. I'm going to be able to... This dump I'm about to take is going to fill up a Crave Case. Are you feeling it? No, I'm not feeling it.

But you're saying it's coming, yeah. There's one in Scottsdale, Arizona, Nathan. What is that, nine hours away? I got nothing to do. Your truck's not going to make it. My Subaru... Oh, my truck will make it. Now I feel like it's a challenge.

No speedometer, so we're just going to guess how fast we're going to go. Yeah. I can't go too fast, really. It tops out at around 90. Well, shit. I'd go out there with you guys. Throw you in the back of the truck that'd be fun

yeah because the ones at the grocery store just don't hit they're not the same now you have to have the uh the hot flat top grill yeah uh with a couple years of you know previous slider uh creations you know to lube it up. I looked it up also. Megan was right. 16 ounces is the amount of urine your body should hold, but that seems way too little. I don't believe that at all.

When I was wrestling in high school, I literally took a five-pound piss. I weighed in beforehand. I went and uncorked, and then i came back and told my coach i was like i get back on the scale and they were like sure and then it was five pounds and it was a lot like when i pissed the bed everyone was just like what how all right let's go see this piss it was such a big deal that at the wrestling uh like banquet at the end of the year, my coach gave me a five-gallon hot water bottle. And he was like, Sam knows what this is for. And then I was like, I pissed five pounds.

And he was like, oh, I wasn't going to tell the story. Damn. Yeah, that was cool. I feel like maybe, yeah, the average boring human american that has a bladder sure it's a little puny tap out ceiling is uh 16 ounces but i've pushed the boundaries i've slammed a bunch of iced tea and then try to go to bed and later uh you wake up and you're you know you're maybe at 28 ounces ready to go well yeah also like who's getting up to piss every time they feel like they have to what am i fucking minute bowl i don't have the energy for

that uh i try not to uh just hold it because it can turn uh sour on you yeah but that's kind of fun to kind of live on the edge. Makes your sides hurt. And then I'm huge. Uh-oh, Becker's back. So I just sent Becker a photo of our new car. Yes. He got the smaller Bronco Sport. We did. He did not get the full-size one.

Sounds good. Becker, what do you think about this car of ours? I think it's pretty good. Okay, great. I think they're very nice. No, I just love the other one. This one's fine. It's all the same internals.

Yeah, except for the other one gets four miles a gallon. That's pretty good. The other one gets 23. No, that's pretty good the other one gets 23 no no it doesn't who owns one of these you idiot i don't know who read about it more than just that one afternoon in the dealership yeah who did any amount of research whatsoever not me whose wife whose wife stepped foot onto the lot and said we're not leaving here without a bronco yeah exactly yeah i'm sorry i underplayed it the big one gets us 25 28 26 combined interesting and this one gets 48 i wow no way it does not you're right yeah emily called me while i was on the road and she's like hey good news my lease has been expired for three weeks i have to get a new car today or they're gonna send me to jail that's how that works huh she goes to the dealership at like 6 p.m when she gets off work and you know she walks in there wearing a hat that says, sell me a Bronco.

You know, her shirt says, OJ didn't do it, but the car still rules. And she calls me. She's like, I got to call my three-year-old husband. And she's like, hey, they want to sell me a Bronco, but I don't want one. And I was like, well, then don't get one. And then an hour later, she sends me a photo of her in the Bronco what happened i don't know what happens with these broads these skirts are mental dude yeah well i feel i wasn't gonna try to denigrate anybody but that is the model they they released so that they could sell them to women whoa wow it's a marketing thing it's not a sex thing. Women want different things than men want out of cars.

Yeah. This one does have a, uh, the, the gear shift is a 12 inch Cox. It's, it's a detachable, huge Randy hog.

Oh, damn. It's cool, man. She also, you will. Yeah, you you can you can ride around in it london has a seat in the back for you um but yeah you don't know if you can read the novelty plates but she got them and it says doctor your face or mine. Instead of your place or mine. Right, so people would say your place or mine, that was a thing?

Mm-hmm. When would they say that? That's right before you seal the deal. That's when it's a buzzer beater of an attempt to get somebody. And you really are, you mean your place or mine. You're trying to get out of somewhere and go somewhere a little more private. And so, yeah. But instead of going with the traditional, the expectation, oh, your place or mine, you throw in a curveball this is like a hot topic kind of a move where you kind of think outside of the the normal expectations that society has built

and you say your face or mine oh boy talk about a benign violation that's such a great theory you've turned you've turned the whole dating world on its head. Not a bad move. Oh, man. Yeah, I don't know. My dad would always be like, hey, your face or mine, right, fellas? And I never got it.

He'd be like, you know, like we'd be about to start like our, you know, our t-ball game. And he'd be like, all right, let's get out there and win, guys. And remember, your face or mine. LOL. Go for a high five with a five-year-old, and then when the kid tries to high five, he just smushes their face.

That was a good Dave T move. Was he coaching the T-ball team? My dad coached, like, every team I was on until eighth grade. How do you do that? You just are the dad that refuses to back down? Yeah, so he camped out in front of the Elizabeth Hughes Baseball Association longer than anyone else. It was a radio promotion that he won. No, so who was it? He drank the most urine. Dan Peters was our baseball coach, but Dan and my dad were friends,

so my dad got to be the third base coach. And all he did was just the ZZ Top thing. He would just wave you around all the time. Everybody was headed home for sure. All the time, dude. We won. I mean, I was only on winning teams. I'll say that.

You killed four different catchers because everybody was just going in head first exactly the andrew willie memorial game was always a big one lowering the boom like listen this kid's not holding on to shit so hit him hard this kid's a total pussy this kid's dad just died so he's real vulnerable yeah even if he catches that ball he's not holding on to it if you hit him right in the chest hey look it's his grieving widow hey sheila your face or mine everybody eats fellas um but yeah no and then he coached our basketball team and then he coached our football team and we never lost a football game we were the best how i guess i guess it's uh it just works itself out naturally that uh i'm the some dad's what that i'm the best that's right survival of the fittest and this is gonna help

some dads couldn't care less my dad never went to a game if he could have made it he would have passed anyway no interest at all just the the brutally honest listen i don't want to watch a bunch of kids you know i want you to have a good time or whatever you seem to enjoy sports good luck to you if you get a goal or catch an out or whatever the fuck but you know he was an adult man with adult tastes and he could not give a shit about little kids learning how to play sports so never went you know uh my mom would drop me off she had other shit to do so i'm out there hoping i don't get you know touched or leered at by anybody and i don't think i did i mean it could be repressed way deep down and maybe it comes out maybe it doesn't but i think i escaped unscathed and i did

and so you know there were the other dads that were more than willing to uh be there i think one of my friend's dads loved it so he could just get hammered and be outdoors and support his son so he would he would be multitasking out there you know getting plowed and then uh like you say sending everybody home uh everybody's fouling out if they have to we're going hard in the paint and uh shit yeah there was it just worked itself out we were never uncoached there's always somebody or some couple of dads that wanted to hang out several times a week so they would uh make it make it happen yeah i mean we were we were lucky that way i mean emily's emily's parents were very involved oh Oh, fucking listen to this. Speaking of you not getting molested.

So we were in Detroit over the weekend for Susu's first birthday. Shout out Susu. She's a chubby chaser. She is, yeah. Also, we're the same age. I'm one. She's one. It's cool.

God damn it. We get along. But yeah, Emily, it's revealed that emily went through a phase when she was like 12 where she only wanted to drink out of baby bottles like she had this weird phase where she was just drinking out of baby bottles and it lasted for like you know maybe six months or whatever and emily was like we only need to talk about it and later on i i was with emily's mother suzanne uh susan and i was like so hey what's up with this whole thing about emily drinking out of baby bottles for a while when she was a teen and she's like i don't know it's a phase she was probably molested or something throws it out there and then just goes to get another slice of cake yeah then she's just

laughing jesus yeah and i was like are you serious she's like no but we're having fun at a child's first birthday party yeah she's like can you uh sweep some more i swept the whole weekend it sucked well yeah they gotta they gotta get something out of you with all the food that you're gonna make disappear i was i was shoving in my butt that's why i need the metamucil hey guys speaking of metamucil i want to give a shout out to our sponsor metamucil everyone yeah it doesn't work oh god you're gonna go too far like uh first timer eatingibles, and all of a sudden you're going to think you're going to die. I've crossed the precipice already, man. My stomach's been hurting.

You're not worried about it. No, I don't give a shit. You've got to give a shit. I will. Your legs are going to fall asleep on the toilet. That's the word. That sucks. Yeah, well, it happens to you all the time because you're on there you know

facebooking it's when i read my david foster wallace articles from 2002 nathan anything you'd like to plug a lug well uh we should mention that we uh you know we we haven't had a free episode every week but we've been loyal and dedicated to our Patreon followers, our supporters, and some of those Patreons are hot fire. Max Beasley has listened to every episode, and he said that our Patreon episode from Monday was the funniest episode yet. It was a Sam-heavy episode, so let's get that out of the way.

If you're a big Sam head, then you're going to love it. If you're more of a Lund kind of a guy uh maybe it won't be your favorite but it was very very funny yeah if you've got salmonella poisoning that was the cure so go ahead and uh get on the patreon man shubby behemoth patreon.com slash shubby behemoth get on there sign up um we've got maybe 30 uh patreon episodes so if you're caught up on the free ones you've got almost twice as many uh waiting for you just sitting there simmering in their own juices ready for you to devour uh and i think uh becker was saying i think we're past 72 episodes so that's like three days worth of content uh for a newcomer so dive on in the water's fine so some of those early episodes are great because we were uh in the same room

uh we i mean god we started with just every story in our uh entire lives ready for the picking so you know there's some there's some uh fresh fruit in those early episodes some real yeah for all you rotten vegetables yeah get back there for you snap out of it and hey if you are currently in a coma and your loved ones are playing this to try and bring you back just say goodbye just give up all right the world's a vampire. I'm in Vegas, April 21st. That's tomorrow at the Taco Dive Bar or whatever the fuck it is. So go see that. Hell yeah, that's going to be a nightmare. You know it is. I know, it's going to be bad.

But I'm staying at the Nugget in Old Town. I'm going to take this check and just fucking blow it at the blackjack tables. I'm super stoked to do a lot of gambling and smoke some cigs. So, uh, come out and see that. Save me from myself. And then next weekend,

Becker, where are we next weekend? Uh, Trinidad, Colorado at the Southwest chief comedy fest. Hell yeah. It's just called the Chief now, but you're stuck in 2019.

That's fine. We're updated. Brand new. We don't want to get sued by Amtrak. So it's just the Chief Comedy and Bicycle Festival. So you can watch a bicycle, tell some racist jokes, and then you can ride a comedian around town and check out Patrick Baker Simpson's

rest. It is going to be a great time next weekend. So if you're in Denver, it's three hours on the 25. I'll be driving down. Excuse me. On Interstate 25, as Sam likes to say. He likes to say the whole thing to make sure that you know you're on the patreon episode about how unexcited you were for most of the lineup man that's been cracking me up i did not say for most of the lineup you said for you said for 95

percent of the lineup you were going to be in the bathroom you better bring some metamucil down so that it's interesting in there well i never met a mil. I didn't like, uh, actually I lived with one for like four years, but that's neither here nor there. Oh yeah. Wait,

Denver work. I'm coming to you. Uh, May 7th for Lucha Libre and laughs. Me and Sam will reunite, call some wrestling matches. Jordan doll is headlining. Uh,

so come on down. We'll call Nick Gossard, a pervert to his face and accuse him of, you know, crimes against humanity and zoo manatee. Maybe Jordan will have us on his podcast. Oh, wait, he definitely won't.

What's the name? What's it called? It's almost heroes, right? Jesus Christ. Yeah. He's telling you to come take a seat on the bench we got two shows and I think there's

a couple tickets left for each of those shows May 7th so please come and we'll make it worth your while we'll put you through a table yeah and the words of what everyone's thinking who cares