Chubby Behemoth - Twist The Spear

Episode Date: October 16, 2020

Rims on El Dorado's. Johnny Pompadour. Eat Sugar.   This weeks sponsor Hold The Phone! https://holdthephone.tv/     Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth.

So, Becker sent us a photo last night of his dinner, which was only really a third of his dinner. He ended up having fried chicken, followed by a French dip, and then, at 1 a.m., in the throes of some kind of au jus frenzy, he ordered what, Becker? I ordered two boxes of Little Bites. Okay, Little Bites muffins. Yeah, one was muffins and one was brownies. And this was what? There's like two muffins per box, one was brownies. There's two muffins per box. A little nighttime snack. There's 20 muffins per box.

That's 40 muffins. How many muffins survived your onslaught? None of them. Zero muffins left. This fucking freak ate 40 muffins after having different food from different continents. We need to talk about this.

I mean, we are. Your gluttony is worrisome. Why? And that's coming from Mr. Fortro himself. Yeah, Mr. Fourth Meal, all right? The Taco Bell czar. Yeah. That is all I ate yesterday.

No, it wasn't. Yeah, it is. You can't say it's all I ate when you had three meals capped off by forty fucking muffins dude you didn't eat until one in the morning and then you were like I didn't eat until probably like nine o'clock at night and then I ate

and then I didn't eat until one when I was like oh I'm not gonna go to sleep unless I give in to this sugar craving you greedy little sugar sow damn and these are little bites yeah they're miniature unless I give in to this sugar craving. You greedy little sugar sow. Damn. And these are little bites. Yeah, they're miniature muffins. There's still 40 of them. Yeah, but they're not full size.

Oh, okay. You're right. My bad. I didn't eat 40 full size muffins. No, you pretty much ate 40 donut holes after the witching hour. Yeah. After God went to bed.

They're probably worse for you than donut holes. Of course, because they're prepackaged. They're processed. And they're like moist. Yeah, they're wet somehow. Yeah. After God went to bed. They're probably worse for you than donut holes. Of course, because they're prepackaged. They're processed. And they're, like, moist. Yeah, they're wet somehow. Yeah. You can wring them out. Oh, they're great.

Little drippers. Yeah, little dripper. That's what you have. You have big drippers now. Your undies look like my wife's. No, my bowels are fine. No, they're not. You're disgusting.

Look. I had some heartburn, but... I had some heartburn. Yeah, that's not good. You blew a valve. After downing 40s. You're filling up with bile for sure. Yeah.

Your insides are just going to start floating. You're going to blow batter for weeks. No. You're going to be able to make pancakes from what comes out of your body. I feel fine now. You should shit and do a griddle. You can eat it on the Patreon because you're disgusting. You'll do anything. God, I used to think that it on the Patreon because you're disgusting. You'll do anything.

God, I used to think that it was going to be like a contest between the two of you if we did like a hot dog, a hot dog off. A challenge. An eating challenge, but man, I don't know if you can even compare to the king shit over here. I don't want to compare. All right. Nobody should. You do. You revel in it. I don't want to compare. Alright, nobody should. You do. You revel in it.

I don't need to clamor for that approval. We used to go to All You Can Eat Sushi in Aurora and you would bring heavy hitters and then you would impress them. Like, I'm talking Zeke. Zeke Herrera. Check A. 400 pounds. A check A.L. 6'6", 400 pounds of man. Red hair.

Derek Stroop will never forget what you did that day. Out from the south, Derek Stroop. He was very impressed. The jaw from Jacksonville. He's pretty solid when it comes to pounding. Stroop's probably, what, 260? 250? Yeah.

I couldn't kick him out of bed. I wouldn't, and I couldn't either. He's the anchor. Zach Moss. Moss is pretty good, for for sure he's got that like you know kind of nefarious hippie it was i mean was that his spot and then we started going with him i think z carrera hipped us to this scene i think it was zach moss uh okay well it was moss and then zeke loved it like zeke yeah we're not supposed to call him Zeke, but Sorry. Big Red. Señor Herrera.

Yeah, the sombrero Herrera. He, uh, he's a latrino. Yeah, he started going, he started going, like every other day. Yeah, they started to hate him, I think. When he came in, they'd be like, sorry, oh, hello Mr. Herrera,

they would say at the sushi place. It's American owned. Correct, yeah. Caucasian-owned. Your table's ready. They'd go scare a couple of 17-year-olds out of the booth. Yeah, and we'd go in there just swinging our dicks. And these people saw us coming. Me and Lund, Zeke the Freak Herrera, sorry, Cheke Herrera,

Zach Moss, who, you know, had taken 12 bong rips in his car where he sleeps. Yeah. And then... Secret, secret dominator. Sometimes we'd have Gil, sometimes we'd have Stroop. There was always a fifth man, you know. We had the four wheels on the truck, and then there was a different steering wheel every time. And they would literally, we'd sit down, we'd just be like... Zeke would order like 50 of one sushi.

And then like 20 of another sushi. And we'd be like, you need to chill. We just sat down. And he's like, no, I don't want to wait, man. I just want to eat, senor. That's how he sounds. He sounds like a giant cinnamon gummy bear who came to life.

Oh, I'm gonna go down and play in the chocolate milk river. That's not chocolate milk. That's bodily fluids. Yeah. That's a river of liquid shit, because Becker was here after his... Those are all muffins.

...late night box topping. They used to be muffins. You grossed me out. Now they're not. I'm sorry. You know in The Simpsons, when there's like an elephant gets loose, when Bart's elephant gets loose,

and he's running towards the peanut factory, and the guy who runs the peanut factory rings the alarm and says, this is not a drill, this is what we've been training for. That was what those poor Asians would do when we would walk in. They would wake up a guy, be like, quick, get on the line!

This is it! This is the big one. Guys are getting overtime, putting their kids through college. That's right, yeah. We put some rims on some Eldorados. I think we realized eventually that the thing is, is that all-you-can-eat angles, gimmicks, are garbage. They're set up for the restaurant to succeed,

but then we are ruining that advantage, that that house i also take joy yeah we were like handicappers trying to beat the book it was like we had uh we had a ref in our pocket and we were going in there like the next minus four it's a lock that was us we fucking ruined them yeah and eventually they they made all they made a limit oh there was a weight limit they had a truck scale up front and they made us all tie Oh. There was a weight limit. They had a truck scale up front. And they made us all tie ourselves together with nerds rope and hop on there. No, but Zeke would literally, like, you know when you order at a sushi place, so it has, like, you know, unagi.

It has, like, the tuna. It has the white tuna, the white fish. Zeke would just write 20 down the column for all of them because he can't read. He's got fucking mercury poisoning. He's got fish blindness. Yeah, his face was all swollen up. Yeah, exactly. He was allergic to half of the shit. He didn't care. His second stomach would go on lockdown,

but his first one was fine. He was big on everything. He's the biggest man alive. Well, not anymore. He started doing really crazy intermittent fasting. After his wife left. No. It was actually before.

Becker's writing down the time stamp on that one. It was before. Yeah, they both got hot. Okay, I gotta go leave it in that. Yeah, I mean, I'd watch them fuck now,

but at their wedding? Gross. The honeymoon should not be on pay-per-view. Oh, God. Allison was pretty, but at their wedding? Gross. The honeymoon should not be on pay-per-view. Allison was pretty, but, you know, Zeke, too much man. Zeke, uh, yeah.

Freakishly strong, too. Not just a big guy that could get shoved over. He could just pick up a tree trunk, you know, put on his shoulder. Remember when he was in a refrigerator? My mattress. He carried my mattress with one shoulder. Remember when he, was it a refrigerator or was it a, my mattress. He carried my mattress with one arm and also had like a couple like chests of drawers in the other arm when I moved into my home.

Yeah. Like when I moved into my house, when I came back from Vegas, I was like, hey, he wants to help me move. And I could have just paid Zeke 30 bucks and would have been done in 12 minutes. He said Roger Stafford was there, you know, clicking and clacking around the raggedy man little baby scarecrow come to life asking what everything was

yeah he's like everything's new to him uh huh what is what is this is like a round map what is this that's a globe Roger

give it a spin he's like whoa what's this continent my parents just called it the dark continent we just didn't talk about it. Yeah. He was homeschooled.

Yeah, Roger homeschooled in Illinois. Yeah, parents are both very religious. High, is that what you said? Hot. Hot. You are horned up. I'm not horned up. I'm working through some stuff right now, okay?

Fired up. Yeah, I was fired up. And now I want some sushi real bad, but I'm two days off sugar, so I can't have any rice. You were passed over for assistant manager at a Del Taco in Fort Collins. Yep. Your other passion. Yeah. You have a lot of passions. It was actually a Del Taco John's. It was a mashup. Could you imagine? No, I can't. You guys should have seen Lund's eyes light up at that. Yeah, it was beautiful. It's the first time today I felt alive.

Wow. The spark came back. That would give me hope. That's what we need. This taco place, fast food taco place is teaming up to take down Taco Bell. Me and you going to the improv out in Stapleton and we'd get there and we're like, yeah, we're working the improv tonight. Let's get a little preemptive, was it Taco John's?

Del Taco. Let's get a little preemptive Del Taco, you know, carbo load for the big show. Then afterward, having both eating shit for like 30 people, be like, man, we gotta fucking forget about that, let's get some more Del Taco. Yeah, that was the move.

We'd double dip. I would leave my card, like I was gonna go outside of a bar and smoke a cigarette, I would just leave my tab running. I would leave my card like I was going to go outside of a bar and smoke a cigarette. I would just leave my tab running. I'll come back. It sucks that all the Del Tacos here

are on the outskirts. They're not in Denver for some reason. Denver's like, we're a Taco Bell town. So you have Del Tacos just scattered around the state. There's like one in Westminster. There's one.

It's never a desirable place. It's places where like Bobby Crane and Chris would go make out in high school. They're stomping grounds. Yeah, exactly. And that's where I

that's what got me hooked on Del Taco was being in high school. The closest spots to eat was like Del Taco and

Jack in the Box. Yeah yeah and they're they're good i got i got into them we had a sonic in elizabeth and it was a really big deal when it opened uh i remember the mayor came down and gave everyone uh free like we got free coupons to go get free uh ocean waters yeah you just spriteite with one single cherry in it, so it's good for you. My buddy... A healthy 64-ounce drink. Yeah, round Ruiz, Mike Ruiz was the manager at night, and at 9.59 we would pull up,

and he would just give us literally a trash bag filled with whatever they had to throw away. So sometimes you'd get a bunch of chicken fingers, some tater tots, and sometimes it would just be a bunch of fried pickles. You never knew what you were getting into. That sounds like a dream of mine. It was always one thing? Yeah, because you're a goddamn, ugh. You just put your mouth over the garbage disposal under the sink,

and you're like, feed me, Seymour. Yeah, you just open the valve. You're like, seafood. Oh, man. And I'm also two days off sugar, so when you sent that double box of muffins... It felt like a personal insult. I put an unloaded gun in my mouth

and pulled the trigger just to train. I still spun the barrel just to get that adrenaline going, but... Two days off sugar, that's gotta be rough. It sucks, it's the worst. Then you're being mean to me in text messages. All right? I had to plan my sister's entire birthday party. Becker's down in muffin boxes.

Do I know the muffin man? Yeah. But I thought he was a friend, but he's an enemy now. I want to cut you open and suck the sap. I want to open you up like a maple tree. It sounds like it's really hard to stop consuming sugar. Yeah, it sucks. And I didn't even mean to. For like two weeks.

Because I had that, you know, kind of debauched display after our show on Wednesday. What'd you do? I drank a bunch of booze and then ate McDonald's. Oh, yeah, but we just got a burger and a chicken. Still. Each. That's nothing from McDonald's. That was the tip of the iceberg because then

somehow a box of Lucky Charms showed up at Mel's house and then it was gone it just got crowd surfed in

what time did that show up it's really none of your business I've been getting razzed for my one o'clock yeah

you have been and you will continue to so I'm just checking when you got your Lucky Charms fix it

oh so you're g-checking me on my Luckys no you wanna know when my marshmallow treats wandered in the door shut up put your head So I'm just checking when you got your lucky charms fixing. Oh, so you're G-checking me on my luckies? No. You want to know when my marshmallow treats wander in the door? Shut up. I'm going to put your head in one of those boxes and play it like a fucking timpani drum. You're lucky you're alive.

You being alive and London being alive, too, because I want to kill both of you right now. But I'm showing restraint. Nice. I don't want to kill you. I want you to love me like we used to. I love you very much you were mean in two different group chats today well it's shitty in the first one i woke up to you being passive-aggressive in the hey do you want to get dim sum group message no not passive

aggressive i out respectfully bowed out because it was getting to be too much we did bow because it was dim sum but I thought it was appropriate. Yes, that's Japanese. Dim sum's Chinese. No, I... Sometimes, man, when there's just a lot of moving parts to, like, group meals,

I get annoyed, and I say, I'm out. That's why I got mad last night, because the parts weren't moving. I wasn't in there. It was fucking locked. No, because you passed out at 8.30 after all the taffy. Yeah, I know.

You're eating taffy. You're eating boxes. And that's what I asked you. Did you take the blueberry from one box and the chocolate chip from the other and smush them together? I did not. Did you single-handed smush? No. Then what are you even doing?

You're eating them just one by one raw? Yeah, if I smushed them together, then I'd need more, because it wouldn't make me feel... Yeah, because your brain needs to check 40 boxes? Yeah. Jesus Christ. You are on thin ice. You're on probation, mister. You're on dentine ice right now. Yeah.

And Lund's right there. Lund's sharpening your skates. He's about to do a lap, too. I'm the only one who isn't wrong. Lun told me to drive off a cliff today. I did. I forgot. Yeah, didn't you?

I was kidding. What if I would have died on the drive down? You know how sweet that would have been for me? Yeah, you would have loved it. That would have been a big victory. Just for the rest of your life? You just haunted by your last message? Yeah. You would have, like...

I would have gone out screaming at the guy in my book. You would have counted it as a win, even though you're the one that died. Yeah. Which makes you a loser, obviously. No, I would have been a winner in death. And a loser in life. The smoothest move. You know what I thought years ago as, like, a dystopian, you know,'s uh what i thought years ago is like a dystopian you know some type

of like short story maybe or like a short film was like a place where i mean god it could be here in 10 years but the idea of like there's too many people it's not sustainable so there's just this point where a government or the world's governments start saying, hey, if you check out early, your family gets money. So you have all these guys, these mostly idiot guys, who are losers, who can't get their shit together, can't provide for their families. But now they can, but it's by offing themselves. It's pretty good. I'm excited for somebody to steal that I wrote that actually

I'll bet you're about to I pitched it to Audible actually so you would have a matriarchy and you'd have a bunch of chicks scissoring after their husbands died that's where I think we actually is well that's the sequel that's the pre-cumquil

I'm filling up my shorts just thinking about it. What's up with your thousand-yard stare, huh? I was looking at something over there. What, is there a box of muffins over there? No. You're just hallucinating one. I thought the missing recorder was on that table, but it's not. It's a tape measure.

I've had enough of you. Make some more notes. You've got no fuse. This better be a suicide note you're looking at right now. I forget what the funny thing you said was that I was going to write down now. Well, thank God there's been a hundred of them today. Because my brain's eating itself. I think you got a good thing there.

You should write that down. Yeah, maybe I'll write it. Because that'd be fun. Because it'd be the guys. You'd have to do like ten different dudes and how they chose to do it. And there'd be one guy who's like, don't do it. We can all work together and have a commune. Grow our own lettuce, you know.

Make our own leather. that kind of thing. Megan keeps thinking that there will be some community living in Trinidad. Letters to people on a piece of land. It does make more sense than everybody getting their own house, like two by two or whatever. I'm trying to pitch on 35. Yeah. Let's go. Yeah. Let's go. Yeah.

Let's take the Patreon money, get him enough heroin to say goodbye. We'll hide it in some muffins. Oh, you can make heroin muffins. You'd be rich. Heroin edibles? You heard it here first, y'all. Heroin edibles are Percocet, you idiot.

I'm working on... No, they're not. That's oxys. It's heroin edibles. I've been working on muffins you can inject. I'm working on... No, they're not. That's Oxy's. It's heroin edibles. I've been working on muffins you can inject. I'm going the other way. Okay. Yeah, yeah.

It's two sides of the same coin. Megan should open up a muffin shack called Batter Women. And you could go in there into the shelter, be the name of the restaurant, and just go to the Batter Women shelter and sell fucking muffins. This one's called the Black of the restaurant. Just go to the Batter Women's Shelter and sell fucking muffins. This one's called The Black-Eyed Susan. This muffin was told her twice. Oh, yeah, I'm sure she would love

to head up such an establishment, for sure. That's what she's hoping for. Woo! All right. Capitalism, baby. Capital. It's called The big day is Super Bowl

Obviously That's what you're gonna do You're gonna fill a bowl with your own shit What's the big day? The Super Bowl For muffins? No, for domestic violence It's the day after

Or whenever the Jets are favorites I think The reasoning behind it Isn't even the game Yeah, it's the day after. Or whenever the Jets are favorites. I think the reasoning behind it isn't even the game. It's the commercials. People get all fired up for the commercials. The capitalist friends are like, I need that new flavor of Doritos. It's like they're bringing Code Red back. Shut up.

Out of my way. Danny DeVito's in this commercial for Pringles? And then they just get fired up. How'd they fit him in the can? Denise, how'd they fit him in the can? Denise, how'd they fit him in the can? Yeah. Yeah. So you, are you trying to apologize, but you can't?

I have nothing to apologize for. Are you secretly remorseful? There were several things that were going on that were annoying. Let's go through it. Let's go point by point and either all apologize or tell you you're wrong. Well, no, I'm saying some of it has nothing to do with you. or tell you you're wrong? Well, no, I'm saying some of it has nothing to do with you. Like, Megan and I both gave Mama her pill because we didn't fucking talk about it.

She gave Mama her pill. And you were jealous because you wanted Mama's pill? No, she got two pills. She's supposed to get one. What kind of pill? Anti-seizure. Oh. She should be okay, according to one of Megan's co-workers.

Is this a veterinarian? She works at a factory. She works at a pill shop. She's got small fingers, dexterous little hands so she's able to slap a coat of paint on the pills as they come down the line. Right, she's individually painting pills.

Well, yeah, it's like a lacquer. What's it called? She's a lacquer whacker. The coating that some pills have on them, she applies that with a brush. It's a dream job, right? Because she has tiny hands. It's a dream job.

It's perfect for her. All the pills you can eat? Well, not all the pills, but every, I think it's like every ten pills you get to have one. You know what? You could pay me if I worked at a pill factory. You wouldn't have to give me any money. But if you gave me 60 seconds alone in the pill room, once a week,

I'm in. I'll retire there. I don't give a fuck. It doesn't even matter what kind of pills they're making. They're making like Lipitro, Lipipro, Lipitor. Oh, your shoulder hurts? Fuck you. Repetitive muffin-eating injury?

Fuck you, Sam. I know, it was me laughing. I think I might have almost just thrown my shoulder out. You need Tommy John surgery for opening muffin-eating injuries. I got to laugh into the mic. You need Elton John surgery. Oh, fuck. You're going to need such fun glasses.

You're going to need glasses. You're gonna need blues traveler surgery if you don't get it together. Well, I'm sorry about Mama's pill, alright? Yeah, so that that was annoying. Gordy got arrested

for child pornography. Ooh, well, you win that one. I don't win. It was on my IP. I'm saying you get my sympathy. Okay, so point Sam.

For that, because Mama is supposed to be okay. She might salivate a lot. Ooh. But maybe her and George can make a secret memory. I'll just pretend that I put up a Kathy Ireland poster, and I'll be like, oh, Mama. Oh, Mama-like.

Well, I'm sorry about that, okay? Thank you. You're welcome. And and then uh you know covid numbers are up here but you wanted to have dim sum with our friends it's like i do too but we shouldn't go dim sum good odds for dim sum uh with you know other people in the restaurant coming and going you know it's just not the smartest because of the clientele in the restaurant? No. Okay. Because it's not their fault.

No, I don't... No. It has nothing to do... I want dim sum really bad. Me too! I also want Korean barbecue, which you had. I invited you to Korean barbecue! You can't martyr yourself for this one.

No, I'm saying I wanted it, but I also don't think that it's a great idea for people to go eat at places. It was outside. I don't care. We gathered around a grill, they lit a fire, and then a tiny Korean man came with a sword and a scythe and just fed us off the blades. Yeah, that doesn't sound ideal. It was like a bachelor party at the Ninja Turtles' house.

That's not safe. Well, it was safe, alright. But anyway, I get it, man. We're all hurting. Our way of life has been destroyed. Eating dim sum whenever we want? That used to be our move, yeah. We had a gang.

We had a fucking dim sum crew. It was pretty deep. Yurist would come and not eat as much as he wanted. He showed restraint? He did, yeah. Always showing restraint. I don't think that's true. I think he did.

Because I never would. I think that you go so hard that you expect everybody to go that hard. I literally do. I lack an enzyme. That's my thing. You don't lack an enzyme. You lack self-control. No, I don't get...

Go ahead. I don't get normally full like people do. I remember getting that way as a kid. So you have to eat 40 of something now. That's just until I ran out. That's why I stopped. So if you had access to more? I would have eaten more.

Oh my god. That's so wild. Yeah, he might be even more damaged than you. I'm not even that damaged, dude. You're damaged. No. You're very competitive. Yeah.

And spoiled. Because if I could have escaped, I wouldn't feel this way. If I would have won that race I really needed to win, away from that camp counselor. Ah. Yeah. My cousin Jesse, he was faster. Now he can sleep.

You're all manic. I was manic. I'm a manic pixie dream boy. You know what? Yeah, that's you. All nightmares are dreams. But not all dreams are nightmares. Think about that. Is that anything?

I think it's something I just said. Is that heavy to you? It's a Zen Cohen. Your brain isn't working. It's a Jeff Cohen. So it thinks't working. It's a Jeff Cohen. So it thinks it's something good. It's as heavy as Jeff's dick. By the way, if you're on the Patreon...

It's coming. We're going to send you something real special. If you're in that $20 range. I mailed out everyone's surprise packages. It's not a surprise. It's just a hair and a couple t-shirts. Yowza. Yeah.

You just keep shearing parts of your body getting ready for full porpoise yeah i am you're going you're trying to turn into a fucking salamander somehow man dolphin piece by piece yeah uh did you have to shave uh your head hair because you looked so ridiculous i thought i looked cool and everyone was saying it online this guy rules rock and roll t out of the way there's a new boy in town meanwhile my sister my brother-in-law my closest allies lund probably secretly in his other group chats that i'm not involved in my wife my wife sat me down she said it's either your hair or me.

And then she took her wedding ring and she put it in her mouth. And she picked up some grape Kool-Aid and she was like, want me to sip this? Or do you want me to shave that? And then she shaved me. She hated it. So you've had a pretty tough week

because we did a show at Rita's Law Tuesday and that didn't go that well for you. Oh my god, you're retarded. Fuck you. I was great. You went up there and did all your old stuff from 12 months ago. You went spiraling. You had one cool new bit about masks.

Meanwhile, I'm up there giving the people what they want, which is the truth. He knows nothing pisses me off more. That's not what happened. I crushed. It was great. He knows nothing pisses me off more. That's not what happened. I crushed. It was great. Every moment that I have struggled, done okay on stage has been fodder for him

to ridicule, bring up, mention oh yeah, you bombed. There was one quiet moment during his set where I was behind him, behind a wall and I said, you suck! He didn't hear it, he says. It's just the voice in his head. Just trying to pile on.

Yeah. And, yeah, you get off stage and it's like, man, rough start. And you're just like, no. It wasn't rough. I said I was going to fuck that dog, and everyone loved it. I had that gay black guy standing up and shaking his head on command. They were pretty quiet. They were not quiet.

You kept apologizing for wearing shorts. You got buried by BK Sherrod. You didn't know what to do. No. One didn't get buried. I didn't get buried. I didn't get buried either. I buried you.

No, this is fucking joke fibbing. You hate it. You're giggle lying to me. I did a really good job, and then you went up there. You did a solid eight out of your 35. They were pretty quiet. They were young and hot. So you didn't have anything in common.

No, that's not true. And you just kept apologizing for your shorts. I did not keep apologizing. You did. You apologized like four times. You said, hey, are you guys excited to vote for Obama? My shorts. You were doing old shit.

I was doing my Bobbitt stuff. Yeah. And it was not shit. I was doing my Bobbitt stuff. Yeah. And it was not connecting. No, they were... Luckily, I didn't do any of my mid-30s stuff. Two of my favorite jokes are not for the young. You know what sucks? What?

People are going to think you're telling the truth. The first half of your set? Yeah. You got them back, though. No. I'm going to hear this from so many people online I can hear Chris Pierce right now

getting rock hard he's ready to fucking send me some shit people love to get my ass people love Lund on this pod

and they think that I'm the devil they think you're an angel and I'm the devil and I'm trying to fucking bring you to hell we are brand new's

best album what? the devil and god are raging inside me okay so you like brand new and I'm the to fucking bring you to hell. We are Brand New's best album. What? The Devil and God are raging inside me. Okay, so you like Brand New and I'm the loser? Well, I was... Shut up, Becker. I don't like him anymore because the lead singer was pretty pervy for sure.

He was like trying to get 15-year-olds to, you know, send him nudes. He's a rock star. So that's no good. What do you want him to do? You're on his side. He's creative. He can do what he wants. He's no good. What do you want him to do? You're on his side. He's creative. He can do what he wants.

He's an artist. No one understands his lusts. No, I didn't bomb. I got off stage. Everyone was like, Sam T. Sam T. BK Sherrod, he bowed to me. I was about to say something.

He bowed to you. No, it was a good show. He washed your feet. And then you're pissed today because I got you on some shows and you're like, oh, I guess I'll do some shows with my, quote, best friend.

Well, end quote. This is how a lot of our shit works. I try and give you opportunities. No, no. You focus on a very small part of the picture where you get to look good. And then there's other things that are the full picture

that make it not as good. So yes, I want to do the show. But you want to make me feel bad about it. No. We talked, and you were like, do you want to open for me? You martyr son of a bitch. Go ahead. Tell the story. Let's hear your version. You. Do you want to open for me

at the Denver Comedy Lounge? I said, no. I'm going to try and headline my own weekend there. your version you do you want to open for me at the denver comedy lounge i said no i'm gonna try and headline my own weekend okay and then you think that i said yes i'll open for you so you tell ben that even though you can't you shouldn't be doing the friday the shows tonight because of lucha libre and laughs we shouldn't be doing any shows because there's a fucking pandemic well okay that's the big big picture okay you're zooming out a little too far yeah you're fucking micro i'm macro pinch it pinch it off dan shaw so i'm not doing those shows but you tell ben that i am and you don't tell me that i am and i told you today but you're so drug addled and stoned all the time yeah you don't remember anything that came out of

nowhere that's that's a lack of sugar in your brain. Trying to hurt me? Oh, I'm trying to hurt you? Apparently, yes. My God. By saying that you forgot that I'm not doing those shows. Twist the spear, Brutus. I'm not doing... I don't think I'm doing those shows.

And then you make it seem like I forgot because I'm a pothead. Did you ask Cromer for the headline? No. Okay. I haven't. All right. Because there's a pandemic. No, because I didn't get on that.

Because you're a pant load. Because I didn't feel like worrying about it or whatever. I didn't get to it. I have other irons and other fires. But today, you think that I'm opening for you tonight tomorrow, and then Kronberg hits us up and is like, hey, we're going to move the shows inside, and you're like, well, Lon's only doing tomorrow,

which is news to me, because again, we didn't talk, that's not what we landed on. We did talk about it, and you said, hey, man. I wasn't going to open for you because I was going to get my own headlining date. And you didn't. Yeah.

That's not part of our interaction at all. That doesn't make you more justified. I'm bulletproof. What do you have going on tomorrow night? I'm opening for you now. Okay. As of today. And I wouldn't have known if it weren't for Ben because you didn't say anything to me. So I maybe wouldn't have shown up tomorrow.

I said something to you. And then I could have looked dumb. After Civic Center Park, I came to your home. No, no, no, no. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No. Okay. Well, maybe I blew it trying to help you.

Oh, you blew it. Trying to give you a shot. Well, no. Trying to give a young upstart a shot on a big local show. I don't know why you'd want me to bury you again. Oh, I'm going to come over this table. I'm going to rip you open like Becker in a box of mini muffins.

You better have some sugar. You're lying. We've got two shows tonight. You have six shows tonight. Are you trying to permanently quit sugar? I'm trying to permanently quit this podcast. You said it was on accident? You said quitting the sugar was on accident? I didn't eat sugar yesterday on accident

or any kind of refined processed flours because I've just been eating vegetables and shit. And then, today I didn't eat any sugar because I had more vegetables. I literally had a bunch of pre-chewed shit. That's what I had. My turds are going to look the same

as when they went in the top hole as they come out the bottom hole. Whatever you ate last night looked like it was pre-chewed. That was today. Eggs, beans. That video was from today. There's no eggs. It's vegan. It was three different kinds of beans. All mushed up. Different types

of flavor profiles and textures. It looked pretty good. It wasn't. It sucked. And I had to eat all of it. No sugar. I was about to put some maple syrup on it. Put a dollop of frosting, whip it in the pan. Let's go get some fried chicken with sugar sauce on it. You want to eat again.

It's been six hours since your decadent display. I'm hungry. I'm hungry. Look, I'm very sorry, okay? Let me throw myself on your rocks. Yes, please. Yeah, okay. You be the siren.

Keep singing. I'll fucking drive this ship right into you. I'm sorry, okay? I will never again try and get you on anything. That's what you should take from it, yes. Yes. No. What do you want me to say?

The unfunny thing? Say. I'm sorry. My bad. Whoops. You're my friend. I'm sorry I My bad. Whoops. You're my friend. I'm sorry I let you down. Sure.

Oh, cool. Hilarious. No, like I said, it's not. Now everyone's being like, hey. Don't help me. It's let me know what you're thinking. You didn't do that. It's fine.

Have some sugar. Becker, work out a hand load of your cum and I'll eat it. That's enough sugar for me. Second hand sugar? Probably do better with a Coke. No, your cum is exactly the same as a packet that you would put on a toaster strudel. That's what you're making right now. It's the toaster strudel frosting.

How about this? What? One time. How else will I be wounded today? No, no, this is just sugar. Okay. This is sugar and me being dumb. Two of your favorite things.

I don't like it when you're dumb. Years ago, I was at home, my parents' place, and we had chocolate frosting and I was like boom I'm gonna melt that frosting and uh uh put it over pretzels homemade chocolate covered pretzels sounds smart right I put the frosting tub in the microwave for like 30 seconds and I don't know if it didn't melt or it wasn't long enough so I did like 30 more seconds i think i grabbed the fucking plastic frosting container and take it out of the microwave and it's it like melts into my hand it was napalm and because i realized something's wrong i like try to stop the you know put my other hand under the bottom of it. And so that gets, also gets covered in piping hot chocolate lava and melted plastic. You're like Freddy Krueger.

Both hands get fucked. Oh yeah. Both hands get fucked. And I had to, uh, you know, like not jerk off for a month. And the blisters on two of my fingers touched cause they were just both, you know, fat as hell. And so I was a monstrosity. What were you?

Probably like 15. Was that during your glove phase? I was a little kid. Is that when you started wearing gloves? No.

No? I thought you were wearing like batter's gloves for a while. Oh, my tough guy phase. Yeah, exactly. That was when I was

hitting the weights, hitting the gym. You were going by Johnny Pompadour? I went by a few names. Johnny Pompadour at first, and then Skinhead Johnny, because my... Pompadour got caught? I ran out of moose money.

In a revolving door. I shaved my head, and then I didn't want to be called Skinhead Johnny. It wasn't what I stood for. But, you know, the one nickname was gone. What's going to, you know, I had to have a shaved head. What's the next nickname going to be? It's probably going to incorporate something hurtful. I'm sorry that happened to you.

You look like a skinhead right now. I look like a recovering skinhead. Shaved head. Yeah, you look like you're hoping to be able to get a job at Best Buy. Yeah. You're like, I shouldn't be in front of house. I should probably be in the back with a big weightlifting belt around my waist. So, Mr. Talent, there's a pretty big gap here in your employment history.

Looks like 27 months. Yeah, what would you say your biggest strength is? Well, I'm probably doing whatever I have to do to survive. Memorizing whatever literature I need to know in order to not get stabbed to death? Knowing exactly how many words are in a phrase. Now Chris Pierce is fired up again. Now Chris Pierce is fired up again. This is now a Patreon episode just for Pierce.

Yeah. Let's make him pay for it. He won't pay for shit. He'll pay for his sins when he burns in hell. That's about it. Big mongoloid idiot. I love you, Chris. One of the best things I ever saw was a video of him after he was driving with his wife.

I think one of his kids was in the car, too. And there was probably drunk. The semi-truck was all over the road or something. It had almost hit him at least once. And he had had enough. So he pulled over. And the semi pulled over too i guess which makes me think he was ready to go yeah until chris fucking got out of the car and stomped back and got up into the window the driver's side window of the rig and told the dude let's fucking what

are you doing like get the fuck out here and the guy did not want any piece of him. If you're like the majority of people and don't know who Chris Pierce is, he's Bebop up top and Rocksteady down below. He looks like Dr. Death Steve Williams. He does, yeah. He's one of the scariest men in the world. Huge, yeah.

Big, scary looking. I'm the only person that he will be emotionally open with. Which is a lot of pressure when you've got a fucking stone-cold killer who tells you he loves you. It's like, ah! I love you too, man! A few episodes back when I said

how a lot of random colleges that basketball players went to are in my brain, I said Northwest Arkansas for Scottie Pippen, but it's Central Arkansas. I said Northwest Arkansas because of Chris talking about him and a couple other... I meant a couple other comics. but it's central Arkansas. I said northwest Arkansas because of Chris. Talking about him and a couple other... I met a couple other comics who are from northwest Arkansas.

He doesn't affiliate with the NWA. Chris is independent, man. That makes sense. He's a lone wolf just riding the range by himself. Listen to Death Metal Dicks. They're good dudes. Oh, yeah. That sounds like you and him are the same,

which is that you think of yourselves as lone wolves, even though you have very supportive friends. I'm not a lone wolf. I need a pack. I'm the most needy for friends in the world. I need you guys. And when one of my best buddies, quote unquote,

air quotes, fucking bitch, tells me to fucking drive off a goddamn cliff. I didn't know that you were off sugar. I wouldn't have come this hard if I knew you were going. I thought about doing it with no shifts to get the last laugh. Just to prove a point. Yeah.

Not even to prove a point. Just to make me look bad. Just to spite you in the end. Spite me right in the end. One last, yeah. Who buried who now? I'd have to bury you again one more time

you're gonna bury the old man you are the worst we gotta clear you know what we're gonna call in an independent panel of people who were at that show we'll get that table of 8 randy homosexuals who were there and we'll ask them who they liked sounds good

okay becker go round up the homosexuals whoa okay yeah they got quiet when i was shitting on trump which made me think man you fucking i feel like a lot of people that live here now have a little bit of money and so they might be like quiet closet conservatives you know like know? Or out and conservative. No, no, no. In 2016, maybe they, you know, celebrated when they were out because Trump won. But then they went, like, back into the shadows

because they realized it's not popular amongst most, you know, a group of random everyday people. Probably not a bunch of Trump people. So they fucking have been quiet again. Right. Just trying to survive. I think some of them are just trying to survive.

While, yeah, while fucking hoping that a bunch of people don't survive. They're like, oh, God, it's dog-eat-dog out here. Meanwhile, if it were dog-eat-dog, they would have been eaten. Because they're a bunch of fucking orphans. I was wondering where you were going with that. No, it went off the rails. Yeah, kind of like your set the other night. You can't handle it. If I did start slow, which I didn't, it was because I had to dig out of your massive crater that you left. That's what happened. That's right. You've set me up to fail. That's what I do when I open for you.

I eat a little extra. No, everyone had good sets that night, and it was the best show anyone's ever seen. Everybody crushed. Everybody crushed. Just like any Facebook post in 2019 from a Denver comic. Everybody crushes. Everyone's the best.

Everyone needs to book everybody. Oh, hell yeah. I'm fucking shooting today, brother. All right? Yeah, no, that has been annoying for a long time. It's annoying when people will talk about the Denver comedy scene being like having this great rap and acting as if everybody had a hand in that. It's like, that's not true like you didn't even go like you could say that some of the that word of mouth is from random comics going elsewhere doing festivals elsewhere and and doing

uh the road and doing a good job but that is a small number of people too like a bunch of people did not do that okay but they still will be like yeah the denver comedy we're the a bunch of people who have like barely traveled elsewhere will be like, yeah, Denver comedy's seen the best scene in the country. How did we get that moniker? Because you heard somebody say that? Yeah, what other scenes have you been a part of? You've been to Pueblo?

You did a road show in Salt Lake? What are you talking about? We're the best comedy scene that I've seen in my two years of open mics look i'm a literal human fetus i've done open mics in three different states so i know what i'm talking about look i've been to tulsa i know how it is out there let's do this how can i be a better friend to you and then i'll tell you how you can be a better friend to me oh man all right so you go first. Eat sugar. Okay, that's fair. That's one point. All right.

I have one. Quit lying on the podcast about burying me. Man, I can't imagine what it's like to be you. It's got to be hard. You're just so affected. You really care. You think you're living rent-free in my brain? Is that what you're saying?

Oh, for sure. I'm the landlord. You think I'm an NPC, you sociopath. There's nothing in there except for me living up there, dusting the walls and killing spiders. Yeah, you do live in my head because I care about you. Same way I care about Chris. Thanks for letting me crash. I used to care about Becker.

You're fucking squatting in my head. You're not even paying rent. Squ way I care about Chris. Thanks for letting me crash. I used to care about Becker. You're fucking squatting in my head. You're not even paying rent. Squat is right. Yeah. You don't love me anymore over donuts? They weren't donuts. They were muffins. Sorry. It's because your tongue can't tell anymore because you got fucking sugar pussy. No, you're great,

Becker. I'm very proud of your gluttony. Glad to know there's some people out there being gross for the rest of us. Pounding it. Putting it in. I do that, man. I smoke weed at night and eat a bunch. And then the next morning I have coffee and I just shit eight times. And I actually somehow feel like I'm being healthy by fasting. Getting some intermittent fasting.

But my body's never going to catch up because I keep wrecking shit the night before. No, you're doing good, man. I've noticed some gains on your behalf. I was working out pretty good for like a month, and then it just disappeared. I'm literally eating vegetables because I'm doing a little experiment this is my own personal challenge I've been doing alone I have been taking pictures of my dumps and I want to have an evolution

like a Pokemon evolution of what a healthy dump looks like after a lot of unhealthy dumps because when I dump it looks like I put a tub of frosting in the microwave and it's not my hands that are burnt it's my sweet pink me When I dump, it looks like I put a tub of frosting in the microwave. All right? And it's not my hands that are burnt. All right?

It's my sweet pink me. My little cookie cutter back there is just ruined and fouled. So I've been taking photos of my dumps. I have them in a secret folder on my phone. And I'm going to show my wife after a week of eating at least two heads of broccoli a day and a can of beans, I'm going to show her, hey, this is what I got going on. Do you love me again? That's the way.

So repairing your marriage is showing her 14 of your shits. She's gotten hard, and I want to give her a stool softener. So this is what I'm up to. Do you want to see some of them? No. Becker? No. Okay. Well, you're going to end up seeing them. I don't want to see some of them? No. Becker? No. Never. Okay. Well, you're going to end up seeing

them. I don't want to see any of them. Put 20 bucks in the Patreon, and you're going to receive quite the hefty envelope of photographs. Don't print them. Also, to the $20 Patreon people we have in Canada, and in Finland, I guess, just letting you know,

you guys got the last laugh, because shipping you shit ends up costing us money, alright so we love having you okay thank you i just wanted the five dollar extra episode i don't know why you felt like you have to be all things to all people and you're like oh yeah we gotta get that 20 dollar patriot money well because unlike you i care about these people all right do? What did you send these people? Because I don't think it was a care package. I think it was a scare package. What did I provide?

Let's go around the table and say what we provided for the $20 patrons. I handmade t-shirts. I made the fucking screen myself. Bought the ink. Bought the t-shirts. Screened them, put them in the dryer for a half hour. Alright, I did that. I also gave them different pieces of my body hair.

I gave some people some beard hair. I gave some people some of my, this is a limited edition once in a lifetime blonde locks they received from me. Yeah. Alright. I also, you know, paid for the postage and shipped it. Lun, what did you give? Uh, some postcards. Yeah. All right? I also, you know, paid for the postage and shipped it. Lunn, what did you give? Some postcards. Okay.

Nathan Lunn, official Nathan Lunn trading cards. Correct. And those were the last ones, so those are about a dime a dozen,

but in a good way. They're good, yeah. Limited edition, a dime a dozen. There's only a dozen. A couple dozen. What else? I screamed into

a couple of envelopes. You did, yep. You sealed them with jizz. So you just gave random crap you had laying around the house. And Becker, what did you bring to the table?

I forgot what I was going to bring to the table. So you provided bookmarks. Five bookmarks from the bookstore you work at. I gave away more than five. Okay, well,

don't tell your boss, all right? You're going to get fired for this one. All I'm saying is I am the best. You are the best. And I do care about the people out there. And I'm glad that they've responded, you know? We're pulling in right around 50 racks a month off the Patreon, and that's life-changing money.

I haven't seen a dime. Oh, I didn't see a dime of that Sweet Mark Masters money from the original ad read. That was two months of syndication. That was Becker. I gave that to Becker. I forgot, yeah, Becker. That was an advance so that Becker wouldn't leave us

because I don't want to listen to any of this. Yeah. And also, I do like packing and shipping things, so it was kind of fun for me. I like screen printing, I like making screens. So look, we all gotta do our thing that we enjoy. But the main thing that I enjoy is having the upper hand in a friendship.

That is for sure. You think I'm a lone wolf? No, man, I'm a pack animal, brother. You're more like a lone wolf that hangs around the other wolves so that the so you can make fun of the other wolves and put stuff in their butt cracks if they bend over like hey look at me i do my own thing except when i swoop in and get some accolades and act like a chum and

then it's back up to the head of the pack i have not slipped anything in your butt crack in a long time true or false have i not been respectful of your crap crack in a long time. True or false? Have I not been respectful of your crack? It's false because it wasn't that long ago that you did it. It was not that long ago. You're talking like, oh, I've been a good boy for like eight times that we've been in the same room. We're in the same room all the time. I haven't been on crack attack in a long time.

And you're always exposing that sweet little top knot. That's also not true. You're always giving up. Because I'm on the defense now no i can't i can't be myself i have to wear two pairs of shorts around you i literally haven't hit you with any pencils in the crack in a long time though i've seen a lot of sweet opportunities yeah not a lot of pencils because you switch to pens i could have put my glasses blend the arm of my glasses down there and took a little sniff.

You could have. Could have done that. I'm glad you didn't. I haven't crack attacked you since Paris. That's not true. You think it's been a full year. It has been. That's not true.

See, this is the thing. You're so doped out of your brain. You're so high on weed. And I'm a sober warrior. I thought you got back into smoking weed. No, dude. You're sticking with CBD? I'm eating sober warrior. I thought you got back into smoking weed. No, dude. You're sticking with CBD? I'm eating dog Xanax.

The vet in Windsor, Colorado thinks I've got a big old St. Bernard with a panic problem. Really, it's just me in a little costume. All right? Emily brings me in there. I'm on a leash. And then I get unleashed. No, I've been respecting your boundaries, and I think you should apologize to me. I'm kidding.

I don't care. I'm a fucking lone wolf. I don't need anyone. Alright, I'm gonna come into this world the same way I'm gonna go out. Which is alone and on top. Nude. Nude, screaming and waiting. Exiting your mother. I'm gonna crawl back in be like

mama I'm coming home that's how we should that's how we should be interned forever inside of our dead mothers yes they should dig up

digging up mama alright should do the Stanhope's first book cut her open and shove our bones in there mmhmm

that would be something circular I don't know how do you wanna go out cut her open and shove our bones in there. That would be something? Circular? How do you want to go out? You know. Amusement park accident. No. Yeah, you want to be the last one on the water slide before they shut it down for the season. I want to be trampled by a police horse. Yeah.

Suicide by clop. And a lot of people say that's not fair to the horse I say fuck that horse that horse knew what he was getting into when he joined the thin glue line so you just did a bit from your act on the pod I did

if you had any good bits you would do them on the pod I don't need them man I work with the crowd this is what you do hey look at this silver haired fox he's got dark brown hair look at this silver haired fox I got huh? He's got dark brown hair. You're like, hey, look at this silver-haired fox. I got a bunch of stuff about an old man. It's like, he's like 30.

You're like, whoa, look at this grandpa. It is funny when comics try and force crowd work on people. This guy banged Cagney and Lacey. He's 28. He's the dish boy. He's 15. You know, that guy was old, and he did end up owning three boats. Oh, yeah, you were right.

Yeah. You called it. I read people, man. I'm intuitive. Look, guys, thanks for listening to this episode. That sounded like it was added on, but it was real. No, it's real, man. Look, this is all jokes on this pod.

We weren't joking. None of this was serious. Len and I have never argued. I've never been buried. Len and I get along just great. We always respect each other's boundaries. No one sends insanely mean messages before an hour and a half car ride.

Nobody forgets that coolant keeps your car from exploding. That was another thing that happened to me today. I almost died in a car explosion. You almost died. Yeah. Is that what happened or?

No, I just backed, I got to like the end of my block and it was smoking. And then the heat thing went up and I went and bought some coolant. I got a coast down to 7-Eleven, man. Pretty sick. You almost went out in a blaze of glory. Yeah, it would have been pretty cool. Because right when I opened up your message about driving off a cliff and I was like, should I put coolant in?

Or should I beg the devil to take me right now? So speaking of praying for death, you guys should watch HoldThePhone.tv, everyone. It's a really good show. It's online. You can should watch HoldThePhone.tv, everyone, alright? It's a really good show. It's online. You can watch it whenever you want. It is a bunch of shows.

Correct. Under the... The guise. Under the banner of HoldThePhone.tv. You got Hot Tub every Monday. They got a great show this Monday, the 19th. They got... Oh, hey! One of our favorites, Janae Burris is going to be on the show. She's a Denver comic who is now in L.A., also on the show. Dwayne

Perkins, Ahmed Barucha. I like Ahmed. Kyle Kinane, we know Kyle. Familiar with his work? He's the voice of VH1. He is, yeah. Deanne Smith and Emma Willman are all on Hot Tub this Monday. So yeah, check out the Fun Time Boys featuring Julian McCullough, known man. No doubt about that.

Fun Time male person. They are back as one of the hosts after being cyber-bullied. So, I don't know. Must have been pretty bad. You know about getting cyber-bullied.

I do, yeah. I'm going to receive an onslaught of it after this episode. I have a couple of fake profiles that I use to snipe you. Yeah, well, they're not

that hard to figure out. PhotoCon rules 420. And then there's another're not that hard to figure out. Photo comments. And then there's another one that's just like, I fucked Sophie69. I've had Sophie69. I hated when you said that. I've had her. It's a hell of a way to say that you got down with somebody

naked and afraid. I've had them. She was naked, I was afraid. That's fucked up. What else? Oh, another Hold the Phone show is Hey Girl with Matt and Kyle. Hey Girl. They're going to be doing a Patreon-only Q&A

where they take listener questions. And we're doing that too, actually. So if you want to, after you watch HoldThePhone.tv, all these great shows, and they have an archive online too, check out HoldThePhone.tv, all these great shows, and they have an archive online, too. Check out HoldThePhone.television online on your web TV. Send us some questions. Either get on the Chubb Reddit, r slash Chubby Behemoth.

Yeah. We're climbing. We're slowly getting numbers up on there. Thanks to the freaks who put that together. Get on the Chubb Reddit. Call it the Chubb Reddit. Call it the Chubb Reddit. Yeah, but send us some messages, questions, so

we can answer them for our Patreon Q&A. Hit up Chubby Behemoth Pod on Instagram. Is that right? Send us some messages. Send us some of your hair. What's your street address? My address? It's 13... No? my address? it's 13

no excuse me it's 15 54 Washington Street nope that's it right? it's not mine it's not yours yeah 15 let's give them Sophie's address they know Sophie's address

all these guys have had her so yeah but ask us some questions so we can tell you no lies. And, yeah, you know, guys, this is all, this is a fun time between friends. Hopefully Sam will have some sugar before the next episode. I was good on this. Look, my body runs on poison. That's the thing.

Because I've been training this tank to run on fucking gravel and handfuls of Skittles for 33 years and now I switched over to a can of beans a day and it's all whacked out and crazy. It's kooky, man. There's a squirrel in my dishwasher. Well, yeah,

good luck. I guess maybe after the first few days you might see some benefits and stop biting people's heads off. No, we're going to Rocket Fizz right now. It's over? Yeah. Oh, yeah, you said you had taffy for me, and I haven't seen it. I haven't seen a drop.

Well, I wonder why I forgot the taffy today. Huh. Because your car almost exploded because you forgot that it needs fluids? No. Is it because I was mean to you? Because you bullied me in two different group chats. Out of six. No, you

said that I was a splat monster and I ate my own dump. Hey, I haven't eaten yet. We're going to go get something gross because you guys can't help me get better. So, that's what real friendship is. It's dragging me back down like crabs in a bucket. So so thanks everyone

we all float down here, we're very buoyant yeah, my turds don't they cling to the bowl