Chubby Behemoth - Used To Stink

Episode Date: December 4, 2020

Selective Memory. Hip To The Jive. Feeding Pumpkins To Turtles. Chris and Brent.   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth.   Extra Episodes at Patreon.com/chubbybehemoth

Hey everyone, welcome to another star-studded episode of the Chubby Behemoth. We are here live in Los Angeles, California, and I'm joined by... You're welcome, not Lunt. Yikes. No, Lunt's cool, man. He's the best. Lunt rules. He's best friend.

Gotta love Lunt. Best friends, huh? Yeah. It really sounds like it. You're really showing off how much... Well, Lund, he says stuff like best friends, huh? And it's funny the first 100 times. Then he says it 101 and he means it.

You're like, I'm sorry. Very sorry, Nathan. Oh, man. Best friends. Best friends, huh? That's great. Well, yeah. So sorry we're in late. Becker got COVID and I had to come to LA. Becker got COVID? Yeah, he's sick, huh? That's great. Well, yeah. Sorry we're in late.

Becker got COVID and I had to come to LA. Becker got COVID? Yeah, he's sick. What? What's he doing with that? I don't know. Not barely surviving? Man, he smokes a lot of cigarettes.

He's probably smoking throughout all this. Yeah, I'm sure he's blasting sweet smokes. He's probably blasting some smokes. Hopefully it'll get him to quit. That's a good reason to quit. Nothing will stop him from quitting. I think he thinks that the cigarettes will kill the COVID. Isn't it?

I may be really wrong about this. You are. No, you're not. There's been some sort of study, right, that's like smokers have been surprisingly okay considering? People who smoke cannabis and nicotine have had their ACE2 receptors blocked, and the ACE2 receptor in your lungs is how the covid gets into your lungs is this true correct you don't know that i do because in uh most of europe they're giving nicotine patches to first responders but that's not smoking okay go ahead

nicotine in general blocks your ace2 receptors oh it's the nicotine but what but how does that help but how are cannabis users lumped into that group? Because the cannabis is also blocking the ACE2 receptors. So why aren't they giving them like THC packs? Because they're at work saving people's lives. Yeah, but I feel like... They're driving ambulances. That's why. I feel like they'd be in a better mood

if we could pop a THC pack. Maybe like a full spectrum one-to-one pack. You know what I want to be considering? Put it on their lower back like a tramp stamp so it goes right into the sacrum. Right? And it really gets into that chakra. Who told you that word? The sacrum?

Yeah. My Persian acupuncture doctor. You're going to a Persian for Chinese medicine? Yeah. Damn. You're a real spice trader. Well, I think they don't give them fucking weed because if you're looking death in the face, you don't want to be stoned to the bone. That's absolutely what I'd want to be.

No way. I was high when I looked it in the face. It was the best way to look at it. Maybe if you weren't so high, you wouldn't have to look it in the face. Hey-o! Uh-oh. That's probably true, but let's not talk about that. No, yeah.

How dare we talk about things you've done? Speaking of which. Yeah. No, we don't need to get into that. Oh, yeah. Are we really going to open with that? Oh, for sure. We didn't open with it.

It's been a full two minutes. It's the only funny thing you've done in a while. By the way, I'm joined by Brent Gill and Chris Sharpen. Hello. Hello. I'm also by Brent Gill and Chris Sharpton. Hello. Hello. I'm also currently grieving. Literally. So I feel like laughing is a good way to grieve. So we gotta tell this story. I'm gonna take a quick

smoke break while you tell this story, because I have nothing productive to add to this. Oh yeah, you blew it. Sure you do. I mean, I can try to justify all day long. I don't think I'm gonna win. You have tremendous insight into what happened. And we're going to need it. You're the only one who can give us a portal into your brain.

So if it sounds potentially like we're a little weird and muffled, it's because I'm wearing a mask. Am I paranoid today? A touch. Did my uncle die today of COVID? Yes. Today. According to us.

According to us. Us we think? No, me and Chris. Yeah, according to us yeah no me and chris yeah according to the news doctors and such science he died of covid uh which is obviously crushing news i found that uh on the way over here i got this text message i'm a text message thread with all my cousins it was uh quite a bummer i also have a cousin that's in the hospital right now with COVID. Pretty intense time. Pretty scary. But hey, you know, sad, obviously. But if you get news like that, what better situation than to go and walk into a room with a couple of your best friends? Right. People who've known you forever.

Forever. Truly. Who've been with you through thick and thin. At least one best friend, for sure. People who understand you. Absolutely. Yeah, yeah. I can go in and I can be myself and I can be.

Emotionally vulnerable and bare. Absolutely. Yeah. And I needed to say it right away because obviously this is the biggest news happening, at least in my life. And so I walk in and I say, hey dudes, my uncle just died. Like just right now. Right now. Right now. Oh my God. Sam says, oh Hey dudes, my uncle just died. Like just right now, right now,

right now. Oh my God. Sam says, Oh my God, I'm so sorry. Brent says, so what, what else did he have though?

What were his underlying conditions? Not, I'm sorry. Not, Oh my god. Just right away. So, but yeah, really, what did he actually die of? Yeah, but what was really going on.

Uh-huh. And then I... I don't have anything to say. And, yeah. And then I was like, what the fuck? Yeah. It was really fun. I got to be mad at you for the first time in our friendship.

And he should have been mad at you a lot before this. Yeah, I have a high tolerance. You're despicable. You're one of the worst. Yeah, I have a very high tolerance for just slander and outright hate speech. You guys paint me in this hateful light.

Your fans don't know me. I love everything. No one's fans know you. That's very true. I love everything that I don't hate. You're 99% fun. Sure. But that 1% is pure evil.

Pure evil. And unfortunately, you can't be fun 99% of the time. You can be fun like 70% of the time. And that means that there's about like, I don't know, 29% of the time where people are like, Jesus Christ. Good God. What has he said? This is so loud.

Why is he saying it so loud? Yeah. He's screaming it. Most people just say it or whisper it. Yeah. So then after that happened, Chris was like, man, fuck you. How dare you? I'm biting my tongue because I want to howl

at the moon with laughter. Because I'm so taken aback at the insanity that you exhibited. You're a maniac. And you said it with a look in your eyes like he just said, hey, you guys want pepperoni on your phone? You were looking at your phone. Yeah, you weren't even.

You didn't even care to look at me to tell me to accuse my uncle of dying of something fake. He accused his uncle of dying of anything but COVID. Stolen death, Valor. He said he was faking it. Yeah, he faked it to death, you son of a bitch. And you had no rebuttal. You had to sit there and ponder for a good three minutes what you had done. No, I had to figure out what just happened in my head.

We all did. And no one's figured it out yet. Yeah, no, we haven't figured it out. A lot of things were happening in the world at that point. There was a lot going on. There was a lot going on. There sure was. There were texts flying through.

There was COVID. It's a lot. You know? Yeah, you were like an air traffic controller in that chair. I was trying to just figure things out. For sure. No, you weren't. That's the opposite of what you did.

You were trying to figure out how you could sneak in COVID denial. I blew it pretty hard. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, no, I blew it pretty hard. For sure. At least hit him with a, oh, dude. Damn. Rough stuff.

That's so, that's shitty. I feel like I did. No. I had to have. No, dude. I just can't envision myself not slipping that in first. Well, I can envision you because I saw it happen. I feel like you guys, you guys like I feel like you guys have selective memory.

How about this? I feel like that's what it was possibly going to happen. Let's play a game for a second. Your uncle just dies. You tell me. I say, oh, man, that sucks. I'm sorry. But what were his underlying conditions?

Let's say, I don't know, you give it one minute. It's still not cool. If you gave it maybe three days, maybe I could bend. Maybe a baby heart. Maybe then I could be like, whoa, yeah, I guess we can question it. But immediately after the news. He had a webbed foot.

Right. Yeah. It was. He had a pig valve, and it was misinstalled. Sure. No, dude. You whiffed. Kind of blew it. You couldn't have blown it any harder unless you just did the jerk-off motion. If you would have hit him with the hand jerk. Hey, guys, my uncle just died.

Yeah. All right, cool. I mean, yeah, that's basically what you did. You did the hand jerk with words. It was truly an insane spectacle to behold. Especially because we're friends. Right. That is something that you do to someone that you don't care about when you hear it on the news or something.

I feel like this is like a scene from Curb Your Enthusiasm. Where people are just ripping on you? No, just like, what happened? It just felt very... Yeah, but you have remorse. I do. Larry David would have leaned into it and it still would be funny. But instead we're just shocked and appalled at

someone we thought we knew. Chris came in just an open wound. He was in tears. He was holding him back for your benefit because God knows you would have used the F-slur. tears. He was holding him back for your benefit because God knows you would have used the F slur.

True or false? I probably would have called him a bitch. Okay. Sure. Sure. Makes it better. Well, I guess you've proven your point. Point Gil.

Nice rebuttal, sir. We definitely underestimated you. It was great to watch you sit there and go through all the ranges of emotion. Trying to figure it out. Well, here's the thing. After it dawned on me what had happened. Which took how many minutes? It took more than one.

Okay, sure. And it definitely took more than 60 seconds for sure. I had to, I replayed it in my head several times. Yeah. And did you have sunglasses in one take? In the next one you had a full head of hair. I definitely was like, how did i miss this this this this part here i uh i said he died you said today i said right now you said just right now i said right now yeah and then you

went into but what was i'm trying to do yeah you hit him with a q alert right away wow and then you were like oh dude i'm sorry like my mom told me some stuff which by the way he's just old so yeah i guess that's an underlying condition how old was he i don't know in the 70s no shit it's a bummer yeah man it's a big bummer we know that it's a huge bummer yeah yeah but to see you in that to see you in that chair, just all stoned and red-eyed and be like, God damn it. Wogo, wogo? Wait a second.

Hold on. Wait, me? Me make whoopee? Hold on. Wait, did you say he was sleeping or dead? But your uncle's bread? What do you mean? Like sourdough?

Your uncle changed his name to Ted. COVID did that? I don't think so. Your uncle Ted tried what? It ruled. Wow. It was a real slam dunk. Yeah.

You know, I don't know how i still have friends dude it's i told you in florida that i'm bewildered that i love you so much i don't understand it it makes no sense on paper uh-uh it really doesn't no it's confusing but i'm glad you're my friend i love you dearly yeah you're a lot of fun to hang out with. Mm-hmm. You lack empathy. Sure. You're a total sociopath. For sure.

There's no doubt about that, but that's part of why you're fun. Yeah, exactly. Because you don't, you know. What do you think happened in my life that turned me into a sociopath? I don't think you're a sociopath. No, but for real, though. Do you think it was... Do we want to go through this? I thought about that after i started bringing it up i was like there's a lot

there's a lot to unpack there i'm gonna be honest well uh yeah i'm sorry hey it's a good man you know i was I immediately forgave you because it was very on you. It was a surprise. Your sister was distracting me with text messages. My sister? Yeah. What would she say? Whoa, what did you guys text?

You text my sister? Whoa, weird. What? She said. Things are really going off the rails. What the hell are you talking about? She sent me a picture. What? Things have been really going off the rails. What the hell are you talking about? She sent me a picture. If we find out dick pics are going back and forth.

She sent me a picture. Oh, boy. And I was responding to the picture. And then she responded back, and I had to think about it. And then it was a lot. Was the picture of a baby that she thought looked like you? No. Because that is most text that my sister will send me and Emily in regards to you.

Look at this baby I saw. It looks just like Brent. Because that's okay. Look at this infant eating an ice cream cone with two hands. It looks like Brent. Your wife's niece does look like my child. For sure. Wild. Yes. It looks like Brent. Your wife's face does look like my child. For sure. Wild.

Yes, it's wild and upsetting. Her first words were, beep! It says for sure! What were you talking to my sister about? And how long has this been going on? We were just

conversing back and forth about life. You weren't giving her any life lessons, were you? No, no, no. Of course. She sent me a picture of a couple shirtless gentlemen and myself. And we were talking about how good looking the three of us were. And so she had described it was about a vacation we had once went on okay cool definitely not a vacation to florida in the last two weeks definitely

not one of those no uh it was for sure not one of those it was this was far you know long long ago uh like in uh star wars no we talked about it. Oh, good. So last week when we were on that vacation. In Florida. I was not there. You were invited. I was invited. Yes. That was very nice to think of you for thinking of me. He decided not to come.

Decided not to go. I feel unsafe traveling right now. Yep. Personally. You can do whatever you'd like to do. I ain't stopping you. Well, it's too late. You live your life.

That's right. We don't have a time machine. Yeah, if we did, we could bring back my dead uncle. Or at the very least. I was going to say, at least erase that moment. Dude, if we... Give me a second try. Dude, if we went back a thousand times, you would blow it

999 times. It's true. It's true. It's true. Oh, boy. Hang on. Try it again. Go back again. One more time. One more time. I got it this time. Hold on. Okay. Ding.

Wait. What? Well, look at this pussy you can see through her pants. That's what it is most of the time. You're talking like a pussy like your dead uncle, right? Look at that. Did your uncle dig spandex? Yeah. What'd your uncle jerk to?

Look at this sweet workout video. He probably would have loved this. What do you think his last nut was? I often wonder what my last nut will be. Yours? If I could die coming, I think I would go directly in the head. Like, that's like a... You're trying to die coming. That's like a pass, go, collect 200 bucks, you've won the game, you've got Boardwalk and Park Place.

Yeah, but think about the poor prostitute that's underneath you. With your heart exposed. She would for sure be on top of me. Is that what you do? I like not doing more. Actually, you still gotta do a lot of work when you're laying on the bottom you gotta get it's a lot of ab work and like thigh you gotta you gotta like push you gotta like push friend this friend what it's not a lot of work but no just laying there no no no because sometimes no no no because

you got needs a lot of ab work so you can fucking get it you don't you don't it's a it's keep digging man no no so you have your handful of ass and and and instead of her grinding on it sometimes you like to stroke on it right please never say stroke on it to me so you also don't say handful of ass yeah two hands you both of them say honking tail like a cool guy absolutely Say honking tail. Like a cool guy. Absolutely. What? Yeah. Honking tail?

Yeah, hiney handling. What are you, from fucking Kentucky? Hell yeah. Oh, hell yeah, dude. I'm just honking tail, man. I tell you what, we're just out here just giving a little tail honk. So you want to be on the bottom and have your heart explode? And then shit the bed and piss in her.

No, no, no, because then she wouldn't, well, I'd die with a heart on, hilarious. But then she wouldn't die under me. She wouldn't have to crawl out from under me. That's hilarious. Why would I want her to crawl out from under me? That's not what I want. She might die under me. That's the most embarrassing thing ever. I got trapped under a fat guy.

No! She's trying to call the cops. We ain't going out like that. We ain't going out like that. You're not going to die from being on bottom. You're going to die on top. It might be that good of an orgasm. Buddy, you're not going to die when you come.

You guys might be fucking incorrectly on the bottom. When you're on the bottom, I swear, you put those feet up, you get your knees at that angle. That's not, dude, a lot of work to you. It's not not a lot of work, though. It's still calories burned. Also, you have no right to tell us what we're doing correctly or incorrectly in the bedroom. That's right. The guy who while we were trying to eat a lovely Thai dinner showed us how to choke himself with one hand. No,

no, that wasn't that wasn't choke yourself. That was your partner. No, dude, you said that was choke your partner. I said if you're getting choked, you want it a certain way. If you're giving the choking, there's a specific way to give out a choking so it's still erratic and you don't go to jail. You belong in jail. Ow, come on. You belong in a prison surrounded by people who can watch you 24-7.

I'm telling you, man. Study you. I know you're telling me and I don't want to listen to it. We were here eating some nice fried rice and you were like, no, no, you gotta have your palms in the carotid. That way you don't lose blood flow to your dick. Your head's all woozy.

It's like, oh, can you pass the soy sauce? Thank you for this insight. Did you used to choke yourself when you were in middle school to pass out? Yes. Sure. That was a cool thing, right? It was a thing.

I don't know if it was ever a cool thing. That's how you learned about this. Did you ever do that? Like do a whip it and then do that? Yeah. Whoa, no. I did that with you one time. That sounds dangerous.

It's stupid. Yeah, that sounds real dangerous. It's really dumb. I saw a guy fucking pass out and hit his head on a garbage can. Cool. Yeah, it was kind of cool, but then we just left him. We're like, whoops, and just fucking rolled. Of course you did.

God, see, that's the difference between our stories, dude. I fell through a glass coffee table huffing gas, and all my friends helped me, and it was terrible. You just leave your buddy. You abandoned your brother at a fish concert. Were you in the middle of school, though? No. If you fell inside my glass table, I would help you out.

Uh-huh. Thanks. Thanks. I feel like we're really painting me in a bad light here. Dude, we're hanging out in your house. Yeah, we're your best friends. That's the problem. We should be talking about us, not you. Yeah. But you leave such a psychic

scar on everyone you come near that all they can do is tell stories about you. Leave a little glaze on everybody. Also, you were huffing gas? Yeah, that's crazy. In a bag? Like paint? It was in a bowl. We poured it. We didn't know what we were doing. Hang on. We didn't know what we were doing. We were kids.

That sounds very flammable. So we poured it. We went to the garage and got the extra gas can out of my friend's garage. The one for the lawnmower. Exactly. The extra old gas. It's extra fumey. We put that into a cereal bowl. And then, as if you were sick.

It's part of a well-balanced breakfast. As if you were sick and you're doing it with steam. We put a towel over your head. What? We put a towel over our head. Oh, like when you're eating a baby bird? Yeah. What? And you, so we put a towel over our head and just over the bowl and just huffed it. So all the fumes, they

have nowhere to go except for into your, right into your face. Yeah. Wow. And you just did that until my friend said, quote, do that till it feels like your lungs are Wow. And you just did that until my friend said, quote, do that until it feels like your lungs are bleeding. And then I did that, and then I stood up, and I then immediately fell through a coffee table. Was he...

It was pretty tight. Were you guys all around the same age? Yeah. Wow. Yeah, we were all in school together. Who brought it up? Did you bring up this idea? No, it was his idea.

Yeah. But you were just down... Sure, I was down to whatever. Well, he was the one who knew the modes of operation. He knew how to do it. I think he had already done it. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

And he was like, check out this cool thing I can do. And then Sharpie fell through a table like Peter Griffin. That must have been a small table, brother. You were a kid. No offense. It was all glass. There was no, there was nothing but glass. It was an all glass table and I just went right through the middle of it.

It was pretty good. And in retrospect, looking back on it now, I bet it was an all-glass table, and I just went right through the middle of it. It was pretty good. And in retrospect, looking back on it now, I bet it was really expensive. That table? Yeah, glass is so expensive. Did they get in trouble? How'd they cover up for it? I think this was at a time in our lives when we were all, everybody was just fucked all the time.

So it was like, you're in trouble, what are you in trouble more? It doesn't matter. You led a really interesting life before this. Before comedy. I did for a while. Yeah. Yeah. Thanks, Larry King.

You've had a hell of a life, kid. But that's why I see the... I know I figured it out. It's because... Why I'm friends with you is because you filled

the hole where all of those friends have fallen off. Oh, no. I don't like that. I'm all of them in one. Well, they're all dead, so I need a new them.

He needs someone else to get greedy with the gas. You know, we can't do it out of a bowl. Just do it out of the car. That's fine. Just pop it open, unscrew it, hop it. I only hopped gas once, and it was out of a rag. And I took one whiff,

and I was like, this is a stupid move. I've never huffed gas. It's heavy, dude. I've done whippets. I think those are dumb. Yeah, it's basically the same thing. I hate whippets.

Whippets are so dumb. The only time, I'll say, I've done whippets like one million times in my life, but I'd always done like one whippet and then been like, this is stupid. But you kept trying it again in case it got cruel. Well, I would just do one and every time I'd do one and I was like, this is stupid. But you kept trying it again. Well, I would just do one.

And every time I do one and I was like, this is dumb. And then the last time I did it, somebody was like, Oh, you got to like do like three or four, like kind of in a row. And I was like,

okay. And I did that. And I was like, this is tight. Fell through a table. Oh yeah. I get it. I really get it.

It was like, cause you know, it's like kind of like a wow, wow thing. It just turns into like a wop, wop thing. It just turns into like a wop, like your whole body just vibrates. Yeah. It's weird.

It is very weird. I don't think that it was that cool, but I was like, I guess I get it now. I don't want to do it all the time, but I get whatever everybody's doing. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Or like a canister. It was a canister that shot it into a balloon. Oh, okay. And then you like cuffed on's doing. Yeah. Or like a canister. It was a canister that shot it into a balloon. Oh, okay. And then you like cuffed on the balloon.

Yeah. I used to do them at work. Sure. Right at rock and roll. Tracks. Was that at Best Buy or at the Apple store? No, no, neither. Neither.

I used to work. So between my Best Buy employment runs, I used to work at a head shop? No, no, neither. Neither. I used to work, so between my Best Buy employment runs, I used to work at a head shop. Oh, okay. And so we sold whippets and my boss was all about them and so we used to rip whippets in the back. Between your Best Buy employee runs,

which meant in between sexual harassment charges. Once the window was up, they were like, come back in here. Come on back in. You sell the most goddamn printers we've ever seen. I don't care who you fingered.

I get it. These blue shirts get me going too. So you were at the head shop. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And we used to rip whippets in the back because we would get them for so cheap. But we had the little canister and then we would just shoot the canister

into our lungs. Oh, sure, yeah. Was that computer cleaner? No, it was a computer cleaner. I've never done that. I think it was like BB gun ones, because it was little metal tubes, and we would pump like three in there, and then we'd fire them up that way.

Sure. So you know real good quality nitrous. Yeah, I bet it was, actually. If it was from Best Buy. No, no, it was, actually. If it was from Best Buy. No, no, no. Best Buy brand nitrous rules. They're official sponsor of the pod. Best Buy nitrous.

Yeah, Huffington is stupid, just in general. Me and Clay were on Acid one time in Ithaca, and this guy came in with a tank. He was like a tank dude, and he would, you know, give you cell, sell balloons. Oh, like a big old tank. Balloons. One of those guys.

Yeah. And he looked like, you know, it's like, you know that movie Mask? Rocky Dennis, the guy with the melted face? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Real goon. Oof. That's what his real face looked like? Yeah.

Oh, God. But Rocky Dennis' face was big horizontally, and his was long. Oh, interesting. If you know what I mean. Yeah, yeah. And it's not a fun thing to see on acid. No, it's not. It's this guy coming up the stairs, balloons. So fucking he gave a balloon to this guy, Jack, whose dad was a senator in Wisconsin.

Okay. And we were all on acid, and Jack took a hit and then tried to do the corn noise. Uh-huh. The, not me thing. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. And he did it, and it was like, oh then tried to do the corn noise. Uh-huh. The yeah. And he like did it and it was like, oh, it's gonna be funny. He'll make a noise and he went, and just threw up and then fell over. Like violently too.

Like fell to one knee vomiting and then fell to his side. And me and Clay were like, holy shit, we gotta get out of here. Oh, you ran too? Yeah, of course. Yes.. And me and Clay were like, holy shit, we gotta get out of here. Oh, you ran too? Yeah, of course. Yes. Yeah, me and Clay bailed. We're all pieces of shit deep down. Well, it was at a party. He was surrounded by other rich kids. We were at school. And me and Clay

were like, we sold him these drugs. We gotta bail. Balloon's guy's about to eat our souls. You can't mix acid and other drugs either. You don't gotta be on the same stuff or you, like, vibes. Bad vibes. Acid and ecstasy is cool.

No, but I mean, like, everybody in the room. Ecstasy and anything is cool. I mean, everybody in the room has got to be on the same. I didn't know back then. Yeah. Because, like, back in the day, if you got mushrooms, you ate all of them. Right. Like, if we got a half ounce of mushrooms, me and two other dudes would eat everything in the bag.

Right. And then just be really high at some girl's 16th birthday party. Right. Yeah. And, like, go to the party. That was such a bad... I did the same thing. Yeah, and then you're like, why don't people want to talk to us?

Right. What's the matter with us? Why are we bummed out? Right. And it's because you're, you know, the worst version of a 16-year-old boy. It's because your body is making the shape of a 7 right now, and you think you're standing up. It's because you've been looking at the back of a seven right now and you think you're standing up. It's because you've been looking at the back of that book

for 15 minutes and it's clear you're not reading it. Yeah, going to a party on drugs? Any drug. When no one else is on drugs. Yeah, if they're just like, maybe someone has a little bit of coke and you're there. That's different though, but I feel like mind-altering drugs

like mushrooms or acid really or molly really like stands you out real fast Chris on molly at a party is the best his jaw will not fucking stop his jaw is dancing to another beat another song looks like he has three tongues

they're all kissing this pandemic has been great for that just the mask. It covers it up. He's just rolling everywhere he goes. Yeah, it looks like he has three bags of Big League Chew in his mouth when he's on Molly. It's a bad scene. You're all sweaty and small.

I wonder why that happens. I think it's because you do a lot more than anyone should. Oh, that could be. What do you mean? It's not a mystery. I do love it. You love Molly. Brent's a sociopath.

I rock. It's obvious shit. And I'm the sociopath. Yes. He said to himself. Which one of you said that, Brent? I just snorted. That's good.

I just snorted. So, yeah, we're out here in LA man This is where you guys live This is It's pretty cool out here It's 70 something degrees right now Dude so as much as we've been calling Brent a sociopath Yeah

Because it's apt Sure We went on a lovely walk today We did Smelled roses You literally stopped to smell the roses You said every day on my walk that's the first rose I sniff. Yeah.

And I was like, I don't know this guy at all. No kidding. That's the first one I sniff? I love that one. Dude, that house is the first one I go to, and it's always that bush. Damn. It's a great smelling rose. Am I wrong?

It was excellent, dude. Excellent smelling rose. I walked by several rose bushes. I've smelled all of them. Am I wrong? It was excellent, dude. Excellent smelling rose. I walked by several rose bushes. I've smelled all of them. None of them smell as good as that one. I don't want to waste my time. And he didn't do it as like, Sam, you're an author. You'll probably appreciate how beholden I am to natural beauty.

He was just like, whiff this rose, boss. Hey, road dog, take a huff. Did he have to move his dumb hat to be able to do it? I did have a huge hat on. He did have the hat on. I had to push it back. Was it sunny enough to require that hat? Not in the least.

No. No, it was two in the afternoon, overcast. The sun's going down in two and a half hours. We've known each other long enough that it's interesting to see how we've all grown into our 30s and our styles, our adult, what we're going to look like as adults. I don't like where this is going. There's no judgment here.

I'm saying it's interesting how we've all shaped out. You've turned out a lot cleaner than I expected. That is definitely true. I think your wife has done some magic. I think that also just age has done some magic. Mushrooms did a lot of that magic for him. I used to stink.

That was my cool move. Yeah, you used to smell bad. That was my, like, cool hook. Man, Bobby used to hate how bad your feet smelled. Do you remember that? Oh, we almost came to blows in Alabama. Yeah, Bobby hated how bad your feet smelled. Did you ever wear socks?

I didn't wear socks. I couldn't afford socks. I couldn't afford socks. I wasn't rich like you, pilot dad. It didn't come from money. He was a pilot for 12 years. Yeah, okay. My dad's never been in the air. He can't jump.

I was just going to say, not even by his own omission. He pawned his ankles to put me through college. But yeah, dude. Wow. What were we saying? Oh, yeah. So I used to dude. Wow. What were we saying? Oh, yeah. So I used to stink. Yeah.

You used to be a little smelly, but you always worked. His feet were the worst. He had the worst. Oh, my Christ. Well, I have. Your feet were stink through your shoes. I have a medically. I have a family condition.

It's a family condition. Hereditary athlete's foot. Now, did your uncle have that? I don't know. Different side of the family. Could have been the reason. Could have been the reason. That's right.

Oh, God. Yeah, but you used to have to throw your shoes away. Yeah, I'd have to throw my shoes away. I still have to change my socks like twice a day. A day? When I get home from work, I take off my socks and put on socks for the evening. Have you ever worn a pair of socks twice in a row? Like two days?

Not anymore. I can't do that. He's not allowed by law. I've learned. Is it the worst thing in the world? Well, my feet will just end up hurting. Like I have really bad athlete's foot. What is athlete's foot? Isn't that, like, bacteria?

It's like a fungus. It's pretty much ringworm, but in your foot, right? What? Why do you have that? It's like a medical... I can't do anything. You just grow it out of nowhere? Yeah, me and both my brothers, my dad has it, really. My dad has to take, like, prescription pills for it. Holy shit. Really? It's like gout, but sweaty. I don't know what the deal is.

I don't really know what it is at all. Well yeah mine's like easily controlled so long as i change my socks all the time don't wear the same shoes every day and i have some like spray if it starts to do you buy your socks at costco no i don't have a costco thing i can help you with that okay can you get a lot of socks for cheap or something? Yeah, you can. They have those sick Puma socks at Costco that I rock. Dude, I rock those too. Of course you do, because you copy me all the time. Okay, it's inadvertent, and you're copying me most of the time.

No. I mean, it's big and tall. There's only so much you can get. You came from work, and it looks like you were at a go-kart track. Dude, my look right now is weird. My hair is so long. My hair is real weird, and I got one of the, what are they called? The face shields.

They have a name. A balaclava? Yeah. Baklava? I'm wearing a baklava. Interesting. You look like a carousel mechanic. It is a bat, and we got these new hats at work,

so it's this Carhartt, like, cool-looking. That is a cool hat. It's a cool hat, but it's also, I do look like a ranch hand. Yeah. Potential carny type of person. Definitely a carny. Yeah. You look like a potential carny, one who wasn't hired.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I look for sure like the guy who works at the... At maintenance at a funny amusement park. I'm the guy who, like at a shitty in the Midwest, I'm the guy who works at like, I'm the bartender in the back bar that it's not busy.

And I'm just standing there. That's where the cowboys are. You're at the outside bar. You're the guy Kevin O'Brien admired. You don't even have a bar. you've got a bath of beers in front of you a metal trough yeah you're like that and all the marlboro lights i can handle that's right no you smoke winston's gpcs god that's so funny man those guys in midwestern bars who think they're really cool oh yeah because they fetch a keg every half hour absolutely oh god what a lifestyle yeah that i remember when i was like yeah that age where you're like in your early 20s and like bartenders and

people that work in bars like really were cool They were like cooler than you somehow. Yeah. What the hell? You thought they had it all figured out. Yeah, yeah. Then two years later, it's like, oh, you idiot. Yeah, right. I mean, they do make a lot of money. And we definitely know some cool bartenders who've done very well for themselves, I think.

Yeah, and a lot of people who've, you know. Also blown it right down to the ground. I feel like I know more that have blown it than anything else. For sure. Down to the ground. Oh, it's Bobby Crane's birthday, former bartender. Oh, yeah. Yeah, absolutely.

Happy birthday, happy, happy birthday. Happy birthday, happy, happy birthday. Do we have a birthday here? Yes, we have a birthday here. Hey. Did you guys both work at Red Robin? I just ate there a lot. Yeah, same here. What about Did you guys both work at Red Robin? I just ate there a lot.

Yeah, same here. What about the Black Birthday song? Yeah, I know about it. Happy birthday, happy birthday. Is that, or is it just done by a black performer? It's a modern Stone Age family. Well, I sang Happy Birthday once in front of a black guy. I sang it that way. And afterwards, he was like, who told you about that?

I was like, all right. Really? Yeah. Interesting afterwards he was like, who told you about that? Really? Yeah. Interesting. I was filming my special, the PA. This kid Eric, I sang Happy Birthday. I was like, happy, happy birthday. You know, and he took me aside and he's like, who hipped you to the jive? I bet he didn't say that. He really...

Man, that would be crazy if he did say that. You would have known. I would have told everybody. Are you actually 64 and 23? What's happening here? Could be, dude. So your hair's gone through all sorts of things. You've shaven.

You were bleached earlier. You're finally looking bald. You're balding like i am no not like you i'm a huge fan not at all like you i'm a huge fan of this no i'm wondering the whole reason i brought it up it's not because i'm wondering if i got to do something about how long mine is i gotta like cut it why it's so long it's like it's awful it's annoying i look like your hair is never gonna go away though yeah so exactly Yeah, exactly. So I should just shave it and start over, don't you think? From scratch?

I don't know. I have a buzzer that I got from Costco. I think I just need a haircut. That's what I'm saying. Yeah. Who's cutting yours? You're doing it yourself? This was Emily.

Emily. Because I had that Stan Hope. I need a sexual partner. Yeah, well, I love an intimate haircut. That was always my move back in the day. Remember that thrash-playing ukulele player? Oh, yeah. I had her cut my hair in the back of Bar Bar. Yep, well, I love an intimate haircut. That was always my move back in the day. Remember that thrash-playing ukulele player? Oh, yeah. I had her cut my hair in the back of Bar Bar. Yep, yep. Yep.

Did she straddle you while she cut it? No, but they rub their boobs on your arm. A lot of that. Yeah. Man. When I was growing up, my mom's friend used to cut our hair, and she used to do that, but it was because she was... Did she have them? Like 700 pounds. Nice. So it was boobs and stuff. Yeah, she could them like 700 pounds like a longtime family

friend so we used to hang out all the time and we used to go water skiing with this family, uh, every week. And my mom was saying that, like over the winter, she had lost a whole lot of weight and she was like, our friend, she's like, it's crazy.

Debbie lost, I think she lost like a hundred pounds. And I was like, Oh, so she only weighs like a hundred thousand pounds or whatever. I said something like that. And boy, did it not go over.

Nobody liked that joke. And I was like, hey, whoops. I was too young to understand it. But I was first lesson in like, okay, you can't joke about everything. Also, Brent would have made that joke today. Right. That's probably in your act. Well, she didn't die. I mean, it's not my

closure. She only lost weight. It wasn't a personal family. He wouldn't have tapped her. It wasn't personal enough. Hey, so I'm Brent Gill. I eat at Chili's alone. Did you used to be much fatter? Say that to the front row. Hey, what's up with you? How gross did you used to be?

More so? Come on on i'm selling shirts um what was i gonna say fuck those are not fat people yeah doesn't matter well i mean back on that mushroom train do you feel like if everyone's eating drugs they have to eat them at the same time or if they eat them at different times you'll never get on the same vibe no i think it's all got to be the same drug, though. Same drug, no matter what time. Because somebody can be, like, out of their face, which is... And somebody just eats a little bit, but at least they're on the same something.

Right. I feel like the person who is the most fucked up is stoked that there's other people who might also just be kind of fucked up. Yeah. Because there's no judgment when you're on mushrooms. Yeah. You know what I mean? Unless you're the only one on mushrooms. Right. And then what I mean? Unless you're the only one on mushrooms. Right.

And then everyone's like, Jesus Christ. This guy's on mushrooms. It's my daughter's eighth birthday. Get out of here. Quit vacuuming. Get out of here. The leaf blower does rock, but turn it off. Yeah, but when you turn it on to your face, look what it does.

Look at what it does. You guys know our friend Zach Toscani. I've heard of him. Big tennis guy. Loves tennis. Ate some mushrooms, or actually drank some mushroom tea a couple weeks ago. Sam's favorite. With his roommate, too yet, friend.

They took some mushrooms together, and they're just sitting there watching TV or whatever, and Zach was like, I'm going to go re-grip my rackets just went into his room and just slowly re-gripped like 12 rackets damn woof that's a weird trip what a dork what a weird time holy shit what a weird desire go do it alone don't announce it weird Yeah. I think it'd be worse if she walks into the bedroom and he's slowly wrapping rackets. I feel like that'd be worse. But then you can have that moment

of understanding without any verbs, you know, where you don't talk. Like when someone's doing something weird on mushrooms and you're on mushrooms, you see it and you're like, got it. Ride the snake, brother. You're on your own wave. That's cool. I'm going to go draw or something. I'll be in here face down pretending

I'm an ostrich. We'll meet back up here in seven and a half millennia. Because my friend Ryan, who is a scientist, he's eaten the most mushrooms we've ever seen. When we went during quarantine, we went to this

dome house. Oh, is that the guy that ate like 20 grams or something over the dome? At least 20 grams if not an ounce. He took like five heroic doses throughout the day, and the worst thing he did was put some mud on his arm. We were sitting down by

a creek, and he scooped up some mud and rubbed it on his arm, and he was like, I'm sorry. And we're like, eat the mud. Earn it. You're fine. Pretend you're a worm. Get nude. Go fishing with your dick.

Do something strange. That's wild. It was really cool, dude. Does he eat like a ton, though? Just a mass amount anyway? He eats mushrooms pretty frequently. Interesting. But he also does... What kind of dose are we talking? Like micro-dosing? just a mass amount anyway. He eats mushrooms pretty frequently. Interesting.

But he also does... What kind of dose are we talking? Like micro dosing? Or are we talking like half eight? He'll do like three grams like three times a week. Wow, that's a lot. It's like he's in training. He also doesn't drink.

Weird. So like we were all like cracking beers in the morning and he was like, you know, had a coffee cup and we're like, oh, I'll make some coffee. And no, it was like five grams of mushrooms

at like 830. Woof. You know, people no, it was like five grams of mushrooms at like 8.30. Woof. You know, people are doing blow and throwing up, and he's just like, I'm having fun. That I could not do. No, no one else was on mushrooms yet. Especially if somebody's doing Coke. Coke and mushrooms don't go together.

Coke and anything else is like... That's not true. Except for Coke and Klonopin. There you go. I was going to say, that's not true. Get some coke and Klonopin. There you go. I was going to say, that's not true. Get some fire and ice going and woo doggy. Sit your ass down because you can't move. Your mind wants to, but you can't.

I very much remember doing that with you one time and then walking home and being like, I do not remember touching the ground at all like i cannot remember my feet touching the ground and i've never moved faster yeah but i was like for sure it took me a long time to get home it was a weird mix of like i don't know what's going on it's an immediate up and an immediate down it was a lot for your brain and body to handle. It's too much, man. It was fun. I'm glad you're an alchemist and you went in the lab and cooked that up, but I think I'm too old to do it. I wouldn't do it now.

Fuck that noise. I know I'm too old now because when I see people do cocaine before noon, like back in the day, if my friends rip a fat line, I'm cranking Ace of Spades. I'm like, yes, rock and roll. You're cool. We're going to live forever. Now if I see someone do a line of coke before noon, I'm like, yes, rock and roll. You're cool. We're going to live forever. Now if I see someone do a line of coke before noon,

I'm like, you should be ashamed of yourself. You're a bad person. As you crack open a Milwaukee's Best. Sure, yeah. But it's one thing to crack a cold one and go to the beach, you know? Like, we're going to shotgun one. I got some Natter Days. Let's dump them out, Sophie.

But then I did get all drunk on our vacation, and I kept telling my sister to dump them out. That was insane. Whoa, what? It was a joke. It was a joke. It felt like it came from somewhere. I didn't want to see him.

It was like playing chicken with your sister, you know? No. No, man. You're asking her to dump them out. That's like nothing else. I didn't want to see them, but everyone was laughing. I was like, Sophie, dump them out. Let's see them. I think we were laughing at something different than what you were laughing at.

Rock and roll. Rock and roll. Remember our neighbor Jeremy? Yeah, yeah. Rock and roll. What's up, Jeremy? How you doing, man? Rock and roll.

All right. All right. Man, it's fucking cold, huh? Rock and roll. Rock and roll. What's up, Jeremy? How you doing, man? Rock and roll. All right. All right. Man, it's fucking cold, huh? Rock and roll. Rock and roll. All right. Okay. See you later.

You're a weird bird, man. You live underground. You guys would have loved... Brent, you would have got along real good. Who is this guy? Some psycho. Some fucking mutant. I'm a big fan.

He lives over in the compound. Okay. Where me and Lun used to live. And he lives by the laundry machine. Is he the one in the basement? Yeah. Oh, weird. He survives on smells.

I know that guy. Yeah. Rock and roll. I don't know that he said rock and roll, but I've seen him. And I'm like, what is that thing? That's all I've ever heard him say. For sure. It was rock and roll.

And then you'll be like, yeah, man. Like, you know know slayer rocks and he's like i've been listening to deep purple for 48 hours leave me alone he was dating a prostitute recently oh that's pretty exciting chance of cock and mellow were outside and they were both tripping and she came up and like looked at jance a cock and was like she did the the jerk-off motion in her mouth. And Jancicoc just went inside and laid down. Totally ruined his trip. Too much. She was a real lot lizard.

She was a real fucking painted bird. Wow. She was like, oh. He was like, started weeping and had to go lay down. Does his house leak natural gas like yours did? My house did not leak natural gas. Man. The water was poison.

Okay. It was lead water. You get some Flint and Michigan water. Yeah, Denver's water is like worse than Flint. No one talks about it. That can't be true. Dude, Denver has sent out water filters to every resident of Denver County. I don't believe this. It's true. There's billboards all over Denver. I don't believe you.

Why would I make up this great hilarious compelling fact? Jim hasn't got... Because you're misinformed. You didn't research this. Jim. I know where Jim lives. Yeah. He's not in Denver County. Yeah, he is. I've dropped a book off to his house. It's Denver County. No, no. Yes, it is. No, no, my bald friend. Yes, it is. I vote in Denver and that's my permanent address.

You live with Jim. I live with Jim, technically. Gross. Yeah. Well, I live here, but... No, you don't. I vote in Denver. You're committing fraud? No. Just so you can impress Jim?

This is a business investment. This apartment? Yes. It's really paying off. Damn. Touchdown. It's good. But we got Rocky Mountain

Golden Water. We used to, dude. Rocky Mountain. And then you guys out here stole it from us. No, we stole it out here long ago. That's why I waste it out here.

It's my water. You're out here wasting water in the desert. I waste so much water. My fucking sink has been leaking for a half a year. And I'm like, whatever. It's my water anyway.

I really lit up your toilet. Did you clean up the bottom of it? No. It was all water. What are you doing? You're going to let it... It splashes back up to the bottom of the seat. Yeah, my butt's greasy.

You got to clean the seat. If I have to clean your shit stains off my seat, I'm going to be ill mad. You know who... On the seat? Yeah. Yeah, sometimes when you shit hard enough, it splashes up and it gets the bottom of the seat on the backside. This sounds like a you problem.

So you have to lift it up and clean it. This is just a me thing? You guys don't clean your toilet after you destroy it. I like to leave it for my wife. It's like cleaning up a pot after you can't let the meat, you can't let the sauce dry on it. I've never had to clean shit off the bottom of the...

You're not shitting hard enough. I think you're shitting too hard. You know where the water flushes down? Sure. Sometimes there's a streak down there. There, yes. Yeah, there, yeah. But sometimes when you got the dirt...

He's talking about it coming up and hit the sod on... But when you got the dirt, it hits the water and it splashes up. You should be ashamed. What are you talking about? Dude, you need to get your diet there's shit on the bottom of my seat yeah i'm gonna post this in in your subreddit cool i'm gonna post a picture i'm gonna log in i'm gonna create a reddit account yeah and then i'm gonna post it in there chill gill loves to thrill look for it on the reddit get on the chub reddit by the guy by the way guys

the chubby behemoth on reddit it's pretty sick oh really i don't understand reddit i that's i know that's really lame well i don't understand but i've looked on reddit like i'd say twice and both times i was like i don't understand where to even begin it's a lot for anything i don't get what i'm how it works you've been on 4chan no eight coon no what those both sound racist no well they are but they don't they're for sure well they are yeah they're very racist they exist so everything is but no one should be on there it's bad but you're on there do you guys know about i've heard we just said i've heard of i know what they are but i've never been on what are they it's like a forum where you go on you can post whatever you want,

and they're not censored. A lot of school shooters go on there and post their manifestos. I don't like that. Yeah, you do. But the weird thing is that 4chan, or the other one, I can't remember, is run by a little lizard man. He doesn't have any bones in his body. Who lives in the basement?

And it's like his arms grow out directly out of the side of his torso. That's not real. Are you being honest? For sure. No, it's not real. I'm dead serious. Jamie? Sam, you are a product of the fake information that is being spewed to you.

Oh, yeah? Do you think I have underlying conditions? You better chill. You're on thin ice. I told you that earlier. I think, Sam, that a boneless human being wouldn't exist. Look it up. What is he, an amoeba?

I got it. Brent, you have three computers right fucking next to you. Yeah, and you stole all of them from Best Buy. Use one of them to look up. I stole one of them from Apple for sure. That's cool. Not. Steal one from a banana.

What? Quit monkeying around. Like Banana Republic? Jesus. You're able to look it up what am i looking up uh amoeba man here i think his name's christopher pool amoeba man was an alien shapeshifter who once uh vied for vied bowed i don't know for the hand of wonder woman disguised as galahad hold on that's what amoeba man is no this is not this is not good pod well then why are you i can't remember his name i just googled tiny man founder of 4chan nothing came up don't but you didn't say it was 4chan wasn't it the other one that he's the 8chan I'm gonna go to an incognito page.

4chan? Hold on, this is bad. Oh, here it is. Frederick Brennan. Look it up. Frederick Brennan. Here we go, Chris. You're gonna love this. Prepare for this fucking freak show. Look. Whoa! Thank you. It's good.

What? Yes. Oh, that nearly as nearly as bad as you thought you imagined worse than that yes yeah you little sandbag i imagine job of the hunt with like some fucking you know like chris's uncle's arms going to be fair to be fair for some reason whatever you were throwing out there i pictured him in my head with no clothes on i don't know why so with clothes on it's not nearly as disturbing so so right away you went nude so this carl jr this mario sparksman uh spokesman created the eight chan it's called eight chan yeah and. And he might be QAnon. What?

People think he's Q. Why? Because he can't leave his chair? Yeah, well, he can, but it'll break every bone in his body. Does he actually have bones? Yes, he does, but he keeps them in a separate body.

He has them in a drawer next to his bed, and when he's good, his mom slits one in his mouth. He was born in 94? Very good. How does he look better than I do? Okay. Jesus.

He's an American software developer and type designer. We're not on information. You don't have to break it down. Just look at him. Marvel at how freaky he is. Well, look him up, folks. Frederick Brennan. He's also not a...

I mean, like I said, it's not as bad as I thought. I've seen people with this condition in real life. It's also not a... I mean, like I said, it's not as bad as I thought. I've seen people with this condition in real life. It's not that shocking. You've seen this in real life? Sure. You've seen it in real life. You've seen people in wheelchairs that... Tinies?

Tinies. Yeah. They're just like full tiny. Anyway. Sucks they started this crazy website, though. I mean, it's pretty cool He's an outspoken critic Of the QAnon Because he is Q dumbass

Hello Just like you're Carl's Jr. That's why I pretend to be your friend Wait am I QAnon? What's QAnon? Okay we're not getting into this But that's not me though right? I mean it's what you believe What do i believe dude i don't know what you believe i believe in a free economy

okay cool we're not getting into what your economic beliefs are on my podcast you and lun can do your own episode no. That shit sucks. Free economy. You want to talk about Bitcoin? No. All right. Are you still rich with Bitcoin? Hell yeah, I'm the man. Wild.

Sam T Nation. Have you ever, you cash in any of it? Yeah, I sell out sporadically and then rebuy when it's low. Interesting. Yeah. Everyone should do it. I'm in it. I've lost a lot of money.

You just don't know how to operate it I mean Sam told me how to do it and I did it and I lost a lot of money I think you did buy it at an all time high Sam can talk to me and do it this is the time I did say that I said that to a lot of people you and Jordan Dahl both really shit the bed

Jordan was like should I buy a PS4 or Ethereum and I was like Ethereum You and Jordan Dahl both really shit the bed He did it too? Jordan was like should I buy a PS4 or Ethereum and I was like Ethereum And then he hit me up and he was like what have I done I really needed that money Why did you do that Do you have Ethereum? Yeah I do Did you think it was a waste of money?

Look I have lost a lot of money Period No I've lost a lot of money. Period. No, I've lost a lot of money, but then you figure out how to make your money back, and then when to invest. It's a learning process. Sure, sure. Do your own research, as we said.

Yeah, no, so I didn't want to do that. No, sure. I just wanted to make some money. Yeah, yeah. I always want to just make money. I don't want to have to do anything for it. You gambled and you lost. I did lose. Yeah.

I have an ETF that's down like $1,700 as well. ETF? Yeah. What's that? It's a mutual fund. Ugh. Lame. I've been playing scratchers.

That's where it's at. You're scratchers? Here's something. They rule. Do you do scratchers? I don't understand how they work. Yeah. I'm into it all the time.

I don't understand how they work. There's a lot of different rules to them. If you over scratch, you can lose. No, you can't. No, you can't. You can lose if you scratch you over-scratch, you can lose. You can lose if you scratch off the whole thing. You can potentially not win. Who told you that? That's what I read on a scratcher one time. You need a new financial advisor.

No, it didn't. You can only choose certain ones to scratch off. If you scratch off all of them, then you lose. What day did you scratch that off? No, it didn't. And if you scratch off all of them, then you lose. What day did you scratch that off? April 1st? No.

Were you pranked by a priest? No, I think this was back when I was in my late teens. Is this a naughty stocking stuffer? Who hurt you? This is not a... This is not... They're scratched... Anyway.

Dude, you literally said you don't know how scratchers work. Well, I know you scratch stuff off, but a lot of them have different rules to them. That's right. Yeah, but they explain the rules on the scratcher. Yeah, but they're very convoluted. No, they're not. They're know you scratch stuff off, but a lot of them have different rules to them. That's right. Yeah, but they explain the rules on the scratch. Yeah, but they're very convoluted. No, they're not. They're like, scratch this off, you

win what it says. I feel like only a genius can figure out how scratch works. Well, I'm up six bucks currently. Wow. That's right. Six bucks. You broke it even up plus six? That's right. That's pretty good. That is solid, man. Pretty good. Just being up in general is good.

I've been getting them for friends. This has been my new thing. Getting scratchers and this all show up. It's fun. I have never got one from him, by the way. That's true. However, it is kind of a boner when you give it away and they win like 10 bucks and you're like,

because if they win $1,000, they're going to split it with you. Are they? Yes. Is that the rule? I mean, it's your friend and you would think they because if they win $1,000, they're going to split it with you. Are they? Yes. Is that the rule? I mean, it's your friend, and you would think they would give you something. You gave me that gift.

But $10, you're not splitting that. No. You're already plotting against sharing a scratcher you've never received. You wonder why I haven't given you one yet, you son of a bitch. Dude, that shit does. I can't give them away.

Scratchers are cool. I can't do it. I would just scratch them all off and then be like, okay, you get this one, you get this one. I have bought them for people with the intention of giving them to them, gotten to the place, scratched them all off before I went in. Nobody got any. And I didn't tell anybody about it. Did you win, though?

No. See, those are the ones you want to give away. I know, but you never't, you never know. You know what you can do? I wish you had Superman vision. Is you can buy them, and then you can immediately have them check them right there.

Right. Without scratching. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wait, what? Yeah, so you can, like, buy the scratcher, give it to the guy, he'll run it through the machine,

the lotto machine, tell you if you won or not. Really? Yeah, it's just a barcode on the back. And then if you don't win, you can give those scratchers away. Well, I don't know which one's shittier.

What you did before the party or what you just said right there? I could never do what he did. Well, nobody gets... No one got hurt by what he did. I mean, you're both actively plotting to like, oh, I didn't win. Merry Christmas.

He at least didn't give out a gift he had the intention and he also got there but he bought it too like you can't just like hey can you tag this first see if anyone I've never done what I suggested I'm not a real piece of shit

that was too smart for not having you know how many smart schemes I've cracked that I've never put into motion? Zero. All I do is crack. I feel like all you do is put into motion. Nah, dude. Thank you.

Because I am just fucking... Your emotion. Yeah. Your emotion starter. I'm all about kinetic energy. Mm-hmm. But I do a lot of cool thought experiments and I never do them. Do you ever sexually manifest things?

We talked about this on an episode. Oh, did you? We did. We broke down your disgusting brain perversion. It's not disgusting. It's very smart and intelligent. You're into sex magic, and I have a blood sugar problem. Damn it.

If I said that on the pod already, I'm sorry, everyone. I didn't want to laugh at that. Another fun joke that I said today. Hey, already, I'm sorry, everyone. I didn't want to laugh at that. Another fun joke that I said today. Hey, you got a big toilet, man. What are you feeding that thing? That was a good one. Fun joke, thank you. Yeah, I guess.

You guess. I'm just worried that there's poop on the seat. Why don't you go take a whiff? Deal. It's not a whiff, it's a look. You got to take those headphones off. Sharpie forgot his cans were on. I almost did. Are you filling up beers? Well, I was going to,

but then you got up to... Alright, cool. We got a tiny little keg. It's pretty cool. Yeah, the thing is pretty sweet. What did the guy call it, Sam? What did the guy call it? And then you were like, man, you rule. Is your fucking aunt here? Because I want a titty fucker.

Is it the place right down the street yes dude okay you've heard about this have i heard about this uh brent one day we were driving all right you did a pretty good job of the toilet thanks for checking my work um we were driving to go i don't even remember where probably go play golf or something or maybe go get a blunt wrap, sure. No, because this is no. She sells the blunt wrap. We were going to do something

else, and you were we were going to go get straps, because we were moving that fucking couch. And you're like, let's go get straps, and we started to go one direction, and you're like, hang on! And you like fucking whipped around crazy to go into this parking lot. Because he knows the car she drives.

Because he wanted to see the hot girl that works at this place. Hot mom. She's 45 years old. Oh, for sure. Yeah. She's barren. She's got like an 18-year-old. You very much have a crush on an older lady at a place, and you made me go in and see

her. She was attractive, though. I think she was wearing spandex see her. She was attractive, though. I think she was wearing spandex that day. That's not the point. The point is more that you made me go in and see her. Dude. Like a prize that you wanted to win. Yeah, like a pig, you know.

Like, yo, go on, check out this thing. Hey, you want to feed a pumpkin to this turtle? So. Dude, I brought up, I was like, hey, you want to go to the liquor store down the street and grab some beers? And he was like, the one down there? Motherfucker, hell yeah! He did! Yes, he did a pull-up on a tree branch.

And then he was like, dude, I got such a fucking rad hog to feed this lady. I'm not surprised by any of that. He was like, hey man, what if I just like, like on the way back, I'm carrying this keg. He's like,

what if I just like, said hey, look, would you want to go to dinner with me? I can cook you dinner right up the street. I live right up the street.

What's that? Is that weird? No, it's nice. It was like, how is that, you need to work a better pitch. Oh, do I? Yeah, this lady escaped Yemen.

She's going to come here and suck your dick? Well, she's already divorced. She has to be divorced. There's no way she's not divorced. She's too powerful and strong mentally to... Be married? Yeah, to be married. What?

What are you talking about? She's too good. Her husband couldn't handle it, and she was tired of a dead meat loser. So she's like, I'm out. So she's going to get you? I'm the man, dude. I bring her hope and youth and vitality and a dick that stays on her.

You're like, hey, baby, you heard of Roku? She's like, oh, I can't wait to rub your horseshoe bald head. You bring me such youth. That's how my dick stays so hard because I don't do fucking hair growth pills, so my dick stays on. Dude, you got high T. Your T is through the roof. Yeah. I'm hard all the time.

We don't need to get into that. Okay. Dude, tell people about how much you need to cum. A lot. Walk me through this. A lot. Because you've told me that sometimes- I've cummed five times today already.

Is that true? It's true I've been here since two What are you talking about? It's eight o'clock I've been here for six hours Yeah And so was one of those during that time? No, no

Okay No, it was all this morning It was three this morning And then two in the afternoon Are you a secret rubber? No While I've been here Do you blast?

I retire to my bed I make a moment do you blast every time oh yeah what are you who's just jerking off for the feel of it no I mean does the It's like... Gross. It never stopped. I got that, bro. Oh, God. It never stops? It needs to stop. It's been like this since I was a kid. I'm a very

sexual being. No, you're just gross. There's nothing sexual about what you do. I don't think it's that gross because I you know, there's lovers in my life that I have that I talk to and when I hear their voice, I'm like,

oh, I'm excited. And then I like to retire and think about them. You get a phone call and need to yank. That sounds bad. Do they usually want to talk to you about, oh, you suck? No. Oh, yeah. No, they all? No. Like you're blowing it? Oh, yeah.

No, they all love me. I'm the man, dude. Keep talking to me and then you show us how you choke yourself. You told me once that you have to wake up in the middle of the night to jerk or you can't sleep. That is not true. Yes, it is. You've told me that. That's not true. You've told me.

Sometimes I've woken up in the middle of the night and I'm mid-jerk and I'm like, I might as well finish this off. Wait, what? Okay, that's what I was just going to say. I'll wake up mid-sleep, sweet-girking it, and I'm like, well, I'm halfway there. I might as well just continue this in my head. What? Yeah, you've got to get the evil out, bro. You wake up dick in hand.

Yes. From a slumber. Yes. And you're like, well, if I've got the leash got the leash on the dog, might as well take him outside. That is correct. Oh, my God. It doesn't happen as much now, but it still probably happens. Guess what?

It's never happened to me. Ever? No. Me neither. You're not sexually active. I've also never had a wet dream that I can remember. I haven't either. I think because I get it out enough.

Yeah, yeah. Obviously. I also get it out. I think pretty, I mean, I would say I'm daily. Yeah, I'm daily too. Yeah, not five times a day though, dude. That's crazy. Before two.

This is different though. This is different. Because you had a friend coming over? Today. You had to cut it in half? Today. You could only do five? Normally I'm like twice a day, but if I'm working from home and it's time for a little

break, I don't smoke cigarettes. So I'm just like, all right, well, let's, you know. What else will take 14 seconds? No, it's about 15 minutes. I try to give myself a 15-minute break. It's about, you know, like two to five minutes of yurking and then a little 10-minute nap. It's great. Wow.

It's a really nice tip. I used to do this at Apple all the time. You've also told me a number of times that you've woken up, jerked off, and then taken a three-hour nap. Yeah. No, no, no. I would jerk off, fall asleep, wake up, jerk off again, and then take another nap. Jesus Christ. It's just because there's...

You're really pissing me off. Why? There's too much evil in there. That's high tea, dude. It must be. If me and Nathan could combine, we would have you guys. Just boring middle tea guys.

Dude, I'm happy to be here. Dick's hard once a week. You know. I don't even know what to say to that. I've never not been hard when I wanted to be. It's never been an issue You think I'm jealous of you? Are you throwing down a gauntlet? You making a line in the sand you don't think I'll cross?

Dude, I have to go to work I can't jerk off five times a day He said he did it at Apple all the time First of all, I did it when I worked from home for Apple So I worked from home I worked in my bedroom I'd have a 15 minute break

three times a day. And so at least one of those, I would have a little me time. Studies have shown that when men can get it out, they are 70% more productive in their day than

if they don't get it out. So you're 450% more productive. No, it's wild don't get enough. So you're 450% more productive. No, it's wild. You're working like four and a half men. And what's crazy is you get nothing done. You get turned off all the time. You should know how to do calligraphy on rice at this point.

You should have been through all the other hobbies and skills. God. So, look, I think it's very healthy. I think that if more people spent time nurturing themselves. Is that what you call it? Are you going straight from the brain every time? Are you looking up? Oh, it's mostly from the brain.

Really? Oh, yeah. I love imagination. You're beating between the ears. Yeah. Okay are you looking up? Oh, it's mostly from the brain. Really? Oh, yeah. I love imagination. You're beating between the ears. Yeah. Okay, that's cool. Yeah, it's fun. Honestly, I don't know.

I couldn't do that. I feel like I may have a bit of a porn problem. Sometimes I'll get started on porn, and then I'll finish in my head. Sometimes I'll just watch porn all the way through. You mean finish on your head? Yeah. Hell yeah. It's happened more times than I wish.

Okay. Fuck, man. Is that why you're bald? You ruin everything. You had to shave it? Oh, I got an important meeting. I ran out of peanut butter. I have time to clean this.

You turn the camera back on for your Zoom meeting and they're like, Brent, what's that? And you're like, nothing. Oh, dude. Yeah, five is a lot, man. I haven't cracked five for like 20 years. I think today, it may have been four, but I think today. It doesn't matter. I think today was a little abnormal.

I was excited About Sam doing Marc Maron Or something like that That's not true I don't know what it was When I get into LA The smell, the pheromones The pollen out here

I think it's that you have your own bed to lay in That's nice too It's really nice The door's open. Volume's up like 75%. I can hear all the sounds. It's, I don't know. It's pretty, although the morning time, it's

always out of memory. For always. Morning time. Morning. You don't, you don't, okay, hang on. It bothered me the way you said it. You don't do this in the morning? On the morning. No, dude, I can't. The morning is the best.

It's the best orgasm of the day. It's like the first cigarette. If I am with a partner, I want to blast. Yeah, then you'll fuck her. I'll blast in the morning. But by myself, if I'm blasting in the morning, I, like you, will want to just take a nap. I have to go and do. Sometimes I get up and I'm like, let's fuck this day up.

It's true. I've never been more upset. You're so weird. I don't know if you're wrong. You're such a confusing person. You're just an enigma. You're always just baffling. Well, I'm just trying to be me.

Oh, you are, buddy. David Morris always said, like, lean into me. And so I'm just trying to just be me. I don't think I have a problem with it. He was saying, lean into me. He was holding you up. You fucking idiot. I definitely don't have a problem with it.

Because your knees were weak from coming. That's why you can't come in a shower. It's very dangerous. But I think that I never have like, I've never like run away, like, hold on, I need to leave this party and go gerk one out. It's never, it's not like that. I don't have an issue

with it. I think it's a boredom thing. It's like, as much as I smoke weed, I, you know, well, probably not as much, but. I'll say this. I think it's a boredom thing. It's like as much as I smoke weed, I, you know, well, probably not as much. I'll say this. I have left a dinner to go jerk. I have not. Okay. I've never left a social situation to go jerk. I've been at a restaurant

and spanked. Whoa. Whoa, I've never done that. I think the worst one, and I don't really even have an excuse for it. This is just a weird memory that occasionally I think of sometimes. I'm like, this is strange. I had a breakup with a girlfriend once. It was my first love, my first real love.

I've had one of those. And it was a weird mutual just emotionless breakup after being together for three years. At Dawson's Creek. Very strange. Just like, yeah, okay, yeah. We were just like at dinner and just decided that we were done. And then like drove back to my house and dropped her off and was like, all right.

And I like went inside and went down. This is the weirder part because I didn't have any porn at the time or a computer, I guess. Well any porn at the time. Or a computer I guess. Well, you were a kid. No. This was, I guess, the time I don't know what the hell was going on anyway. This was like right before I started doing comedy. So it was like

22, 23, 23. You're still pretty kiddish. Anyway. In your sexual life. Specifically, that's true for me because I had weird rehab, whatever. Yeah. So anyway. We're not talking Tommy John either.

No, no. The kid was off on gas. So when I got home from that, she got in her car. I went downstairs and got porn from my roommate because he had some magazines that I knew about and I was like, tight. So you didn't have to ask him for it. Right. They were just in his bathroom.

Okay, cool. What were the magazines? Do you remember? I don't. They were European. Spank, Pud, Meat. They were European and... Did it show Bush?

Terrific. Showed monthly? Oh, they were like everything. Lips out. Sure, sure. It was the penthouse of the world world's fair you could get in there uh full of everything and uh so it was a good time but i was like just getting started in that process you know i was like and my girlfriend came back hollywood movie style

like running back into the house like crying to like say goodbye one last time and i was like oh no oh god whoa yeah so i like threw the like magazine and did the thing and it was like fine because i just started so it was like easy enough to like yeah and i you're just like semi and she was so gonna parche worked up that she potentially didn't notice wow that i was like also worked up that she potentially didn't notice. Wow. That I was also worked up, but mine was because I was in full panic mode trying to hide pornography while she was crying about our ended relationship.

That was weird. Were you in the living room? No, I was in his bathroom where the porn was. So she had to come in and come in my house all the way down the stairs like it was it was a weird very like hollywood dramatic thing that she did to come back and say goodbye one last time did she spend the night that night no she came in gave me a hug and left okay she like really was like a one goodbye thing and i

was like oh god i really didn't see it coming. Did you finish after that? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, for sure. I gave her the hug. She left. Did you think more about her than the porn? No.

Did you think about her at all? In that moment? Yeah. I don't remember. I don't think so. In that hug, did you sneak a honk on the way out? Like of the bee or the butt? No.

No, no, no. There was none of that. Real, like, sincere. Well, she was like in tears. It was like a Hollywood. So there was none of that. However, years later, she would be weird and would, like, get drunk and want a bone all the time. Nice.

And she one time just showed up at my house and knocked on my door, and I opened the door, and she goes, if you let me in, you can come on my face. Yes! I was like, what? I was like, what? Holy cow. Come on in!

I was like, what is wrong with you? That's awesome. We were together for a long time. That's awesome. There was never any of that kind of speak. That's not the point of the story, Brent. That's great, dude. I'm glad you did.

I don't like how excited you are. I had a girl. You're like Howard Stern right now. He's telling Sibian stories. I love this. This is great, dude. This is the kind of material Chubby Behemoth needs to have. There's plenty of this.

There's a lot of this. This is a great podcast. What there isn't is people being proud of it. People being like, hell yeah, dude. Yeah, mine is like, oh, this was from a long time ago. This is a great podcast. What there isn't is people being proud of it. Yeah. People being like, hell yeah, dude. Yeah, mine is all like, oh, this was from a long time ago when I was dumb and stupid. Yeah. Not like tight right now.

That's pretty cool. Did you let her in? Dude, that's pretty cool. That's a pretty great story. How do you not feel good about yourself that this shit comes to your house? Do you want to know this story? Yeah. I let her in, and then I let her sleep on my couch because she was wasted, so drunk, to come and be like,

Oh, that's the worst. I'm going to come. If you let me know, you come on my face. So I let her sleep on my couch because she was clearly too drunk to get back. Did you say she was drunk in the story that you gave us? Yes. Did you hear that? She showed up wasted.

Oh, I missed that. You only heard what you wanted to hear. Yeah, I did. Much like when women say no. No, no. You're heard what you wanted to hear. Much like when women say no. No! No! You're like, no what? No condom? You got it, baby.

Get over here. I'm getting on the bottom of that. Give me that butt. Let me bruise your peach. Let me smudge that blanket. I'm laughing so hard my back hurts. It's because you need to cum. It's been a full I'm going to smudge that blanket. I'm laughing so hard my back hurts. Oh, boy. Ow. It's because you need to cum.

It's been a full six hours. Hey, say what you will about my habits. I'm going to have the healthiest prostate in this room. Your prostate. What does that have to do with anything? Your prostate health is very important to me. Yeah, I understand that it is, but what does cumming have to do with your prostate? Oh, it's great for your prostate.

Yeah, but it needs some cum in there. Yours looks like a piece of ginseng. For real. It's gotta hold some. Yeah, you need a little bit of juice. Oh, well, my shit's working overtime, so there's always juice in there. I have yet to not have

juice come out. Please. I really wish I would have left that out. I'm a guest in your home. Don't say juice come out. Please. I really wish I would have left that out. I'm a guest in your home. I really should have left all that out. Don't say juice come out. There are some things I wish I had back in this podcast.

That's the only one of them right there. Okay, what about when you call Chris's uncle a liar for dying? No, I said podcast. I said podcast. Not in the evening. If in the evening I had anything, I would take that one back first yeah and then the juice one second oh man dude i'm glad it gets priority yeah that is the beauty of you is that no you you have no

remorse about it being who you are which is a beautiful thing absolutely yeah you're brent gill if you were faking it I probably wouldn't care for it. Yeah. I, I, I, you know what? It's weird.

I hear these things and I don't get it. I don't get them because I'm like, I'm just me. I can't believe you haven't had a mustache till right now. It's so fun. It's wild. Oh my God. I had a goatee,

which fit this lingo, this like dialogue that I have, like a goatee lifestyle. What do you have in your head? I live a goatee, which fit this lingo, this dialogue that I have. Like a goatee lifestyle. That's the one you have in your head. I live a goatee lifestyle for sure. But I feel like the mustache right now is just so fitting. I feel like it's way better than the goatee. You think so?

It fits you so much better. Yeah. Because the goatee is like the, sure, I'll have a threesome. The mustache is like, but I'll fuck anything. I wantesome. The mustache is like, but I'll fuck anything. I want a threesome for sure, but I'll fuck anything. Threesome, hope two of them are humans. Is that where you were going with it?

No. No. But sure. See, that's exactly why. You need a mustache more than you need a goatee. You're making me dizzy. You're so gross. You're repugnant.

Dude, I swear to God, I haven't cum five times since I was like 14. Are you serious? I regularly have five cum sessions of sex. Five finger death punch for you. I'll have, so I'll fucking. Sex? Yeah. We'll fuck.

I'll cum. My dick's still hard. We'll fuck. I'll come. My dick's still hard. She'll hop back on. We'll go again. And then my dick is probably still hard, so we'll go a third time. If I get that third one, I'm pretty pumped. And then we'll wait about 20 minutes. If I get that third one, I'm pretty pumped.

It's a banner day. And then we'll bang out two more. Bang out two more? Probably within the next hour. You guys don't have sex like I do, it sounds like. No one does. The people I'm with do. Only animals in captivity have sex like you.

Just fucking apes who've been stolen from their homeland. And 17-year-olds. Yikes, dude. Why do you think I get all these sweet moms? Because something happened to you That's why Because they remind you of their

Lost kids These moms are pumped that my dick stays hard We kind of broached that subject Earlier at the liquor store So have y'all ever had Yeah go ahead and broach your subject No I mean go ahead I was going to ask something that will probably end up with where we're talking about.

Well, you were just talking about why you think you might prefer older women. Moms. Yeah. Oh, when we were walking to the liquor store. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I might prefer older women because either it's the they can't have kids thing. Right. Which is what I've always thought it was.

Can't conceive. Or maybe it's a like, like oh they've got their shit together and I can be a jackass because they'll take care of me that's more of a new thought it's always been the first one which makes sense on paper

I'm guessing it's because they're the ones that will the ones that will. The ones that will what? Have sex with me. Settle. Nah, dude. Old women really love me. And they're not old.

Like, when I call them old, they get mad. They're like... Well, most of them can't hear you. Damn it. I'm talking like 40s. You know. Jesus Christ.

Man, you got away with words I've said to myself I'll probably be fucking chicks in their 40s for 35 years I'll probably be 65 fucking chicks in their 40s you'd be lucky at that age right now you're just a pervert I hope my dick works the way it does now

when I'm 60 I hope it doesn't why would you wish that upon me because I don't want all that reign of terror to last that long. That is my... You're right. I'm sorry. That's my soul. That's my everything. That's my essence.

I think that's the problem right there is that it is your essence. And everybody else has to deal with that. Your identity is guy who comes a lot. Your pronouns are cum and cum. Yeah. Cum, cums, and a lot.

Yeah, my pronouns are I'm gonna cum. Giggity. They're seeing men. I think that you like older women because you like, I told you this earlier, I think it's because you saw your aunt nude when you were like three and it imprinted on you. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know if that's true.

Does your aunt have like rockin' dumpers or anything? No, and I've never been a tit guy. Okay, how's your aunt's ass? I would say the aunt that I was attracted to. What? Wow. Damn it.

Well. Go ahead. It tracks. Nothing changes. Nothing new. I might Ralph. Yep. Let's hear about her.

Go ahead. You have to finish. I'm curious. You have to finish or'm curious You have to finish Or else you won't sleep It was my uncle's third wife She was super young She was super hot

It was random And I was like Oh you're pretty hot I think you're lying I think you've redacted What you were initially Going to say No no no

That was It was his third wife She was pretty hot. Okay. I was a young teenager. And that's about it. I never saw any of them naked. Ever.

That you remember. Nobody said you did. I did. Sam did. I'm accusing him of... No, Sam did. Oh, when you were young. As far as my knowledge is, I've never seen any of them naked. Like, maybe your aunt got drunk and thought she was breastfeeding her kid,

and it was actually you. I'm like, nah, like hell yeah. Yeah. Hell yeah. Just dick in hand. Uppy. No, to the best of my knowledge, that did not happen. Cool.

That's a win, I guess. I don't know what to do with you. I guess you're just a freak. There's no excuse. I honestly, because I didn't, although I can't blame it on the baby specifically

because that one comic that all of us know, the Nick at Night comic, right? We don't need to say her name. I wanted to fuck her when I was 19 years old. And she's 16 years older than me, and I didn't fuck her until I was 23.

Yep. Worth the wait. But I didn't have the baby until 25. And those first couple years, definitely worth the wait. The next 12 years, definitely not worth it. But that was before the baby. So I can't necessarily blame the baby on my taste for aged women. Well, she is like a precious gemstone. She's definitely not righteous.

She's like a ruby, you know? I hate you. Or like a sapphire. Like a pearl. Christmas is coming up. You know, St. Nicholas. I hate all of you so much! What? She is a human being and she has feelings.

Of course. That's a breakthrough. Yeah. To hear you say that about a woman? Yeah. A human being? With feelings? She was supposed to be dead like ten years ago, too.

That was your plan. Really bad. The poison you brought was bunk. I'm still waiting to cash in on that life insurance. She was supposed to be dead 10 years ago. She was. What happened? She just hasn't died yet.

Yeah. She's persistent. It's fucking annoying. I'm like, now I'm at the point. It's not annoying. Now I'm at the point where I'm like. Now I don't know if what you said about my uncle was just to fuck up. I think that you truly are a heartless person.

This is a person you've been inside. A lot. God damn. I think he called me once while he was inside of her. No, you might have called me. You answered. You answered. Guess what I'm doing.

I refuse. I don't consent. I had sex on top of a mountain in Santa Fe in front of the whole town a couple weeks, like a week ago. It was the coolest. I just want to tell people that. I sent that to AJ. He was a big fan. That's it.

I love you, okay? You don't got to keep proving it. Yeah, you're cool. We get it. I just wanted to do that for a long time. You lust to bust. I just don't understand why that's weird to people. It's not.

It seems like everyone shames me for good sexual health. Dude, if we didn't shame you, do you know how out of control you would be? Yeah, but what about your fans? Some of your fans need to hear this so they can start getting it out. Nah, our fans rock, okay? Yeah, rock hard. Yeah, I think our fans, the Chubby Chasers, they're with the movement.

We all fucking wake up and bust a Gianna Michaels every day. It's cool. I don't. You don't like her. I don't. I apologize. I don't find her eyebrows, they're a real problem. Have you seen what she's up to?

Lately? No, like, have you watched any of her highlights? With her eyebrows? I guess not. Have you watched any game film? I mean, I've seen some for sure. Dude. But her eyebrows are a real problem for me.

They're a deal breaker. It's because the devil put them on her face. Because of everything else she does? Holy shit! This chick? Yes, dude. Good lord, look at those taters. Put her away.

Those aren't even tots. This is not a podcast I want to be on anymore. God damn. Is that what we're talking about? We're talking about her as a whole person. She's a nice human being. Can you look at her eyebrows, though? Her eyebrows look fine.

I can't get my eyes up. Look at her right there They look fine She's an angel Look at these things I see more veins on her boobs Than I do on her eyebrows Put her away

Turn her off We can't Yeah Safe search on I truly don't want to Be a Gianna Michaels That's your girl huh?

Just objectify Well me and Lun once on the podcast We were like Okay name your favorite porn star. 3, 2, 1, and we both said her. You both said her? Yeah. Wow. Really? Yeah, we're the same guy. Gianna Michaels. Yeah, she rocks. Interesting.

I could think of like six other ones that were not Gianna Michaels. I bet you could think of 6,000 porn stars. Did you guys like Heather Brooke when you were growing up? Don't know the name. Don't know who that is. Stop it. IDeepthroat.com?

Heather Brook? Oh, my. Dude. You guys didn't watch that when you were growing up? No, dude. I don't think so. Oh, I get it now. I get it.

I get it. We just had different upbringings. Yeah. Yeah. I grew up in a house. You grew up in a barn eating hay. I grew up in a brothel. Oh, in a barn eating a brothel oh wow we gotta i gotta i gotta we can't end on this we gotta go and we gotta go to something else

please um yeah i don't know why we're looking to you for a direction but it's your podcast i mean it felt that way when we started and then become Chris. What is with all this ash that you're putting on my, on my desk here? This is soft. This is how you're saving it. Talking about the amount of ash on your desk. Bro,

look at that. That amount of ash here. Chris is doing a good job. He's mourning. I missed. Sorry. Let the man make a mess. He missed and smeared.

You guys got any plugs? Oh, yeah. Are we done? Well, go ahead and get your shit in. I don't want to go first because I have... You have to go first. Why? Yes.

You get one. Just one? Yeah. I have so many neat things. Pick one that people might like. It's going to be hard. You want to go first? You can go first.

Well, let me first say this. My name is Brent Gill. We know. I am Brent Gill. Yes. So you can... Who are you talking to? I'm Brent Gill.

So you can search me anywhere. Yeah. But if I only get one plug, knowing that you can search me anywhere with my name, Brent Gill, and the word comedy, you can find all my platforms and everything that I do. But if I just had one, I'd probably want to push people to my YouTube page. My YouTube page Brent Gill. And what if they were to Google something insane, like, I don't know, Brent the Great? They would still find a whole bunch of stuff on me. Yes, because you went by Brent the Great. I did go by Brent

the Great for an alarmingly long amount of time. Like seven years. Longer than you went by Brent Gill. At this point, maybe it's 50-50, but it was a long time. Why did you do that? I'll tell you. I know exactly why. I thought about this a lot.

Because you have to have confidence going into this industry. Also, I think a three-syllable name or a two-syllable last name is a better... I swear on my life this is what I thought in high school. I'm 16 years old. 17 years old when I came up with this. When they were announcing me in this theater, this arena. Ladies and gentlemen! Just a huge thing. You can't

just have a one-syllable first, one-syllable last name. If you could have a, like, like that kind of a flow, then you would, then you'd have, then it's huge, right? So that's why I figured I needed a three-syllable name.

I would give all of my holdings in Ethereum for a half hour in your brain for sure to not be like I could change it to I don't know talent any

oh boy you broke it down to the point where you're like this is the amount of syllables that stars have. Syllables and and and. And then how many of them have a last name that is two totally different words? You fucking idiot. And one of them being the.

Well, hold on. I also love Cedric the Entertainer at the time. That was? Yeah, yeah. I was a big fan of his and I was like, that's it. This guy's going by The Entertainer. He's a showman. You watch his specials. This dude is a fucking showman.

And I was like, that's it. That's what I want. This is, of course this is how comedy works. I'm the great. You know who else was a showman? Spencer James. Oh, boy. Jesus Christ.

Damn. I don't know. We might have to cut that. I can't talk shit about Spencer James. He's a nice individual. That's the most controversial thing you've said? Okay, so yeah, check out Bren's YouTube or Boulder Comedy Show or Brent Gill on Twitter or Insta.

Good guy. Don't get at his ass. Yeah, definitely don't at me. Despite everything he's said today. It's crazy. And every choice he's made in the last 15 years. Good guy. Crazy.

It is wild how I'm still like... Allowed? Yeah. Near women and children? And women still like me, and I still got a clean record? I don't know if women as a whole like you. Older women do. For sure.

Like women, women. Not like ladies or girls. I'm talking women. Yeah. Those bitches like me. Womener women do. Women, women. Not like ladies or girls. I'm talking women. Yeah. Those bitches like me. Women who voted for Reagan. People who mourn Kennedy. Damn. Chris? Yeah? What do you got?

I don't know. Do as many as you want. I have a podcast called Sports Bullies the Game. Tell us what it's about. You're a podcast fan. You're listening to a podcast right now. Listen to one more. It's called Sports Bullies the Game.

It's got me and my friend David Van Huysen. We challenge people to a game. It doesn't make any sense and has nothing to do with sports. It is fun. Me and London both done it. Yeah. Yeah. So is yours though.

That's true. I've never done it. They have yet to do it. Really? That's true. But it's not, it has nothing to do with that. It's a whole uncle thing. It really didn't sit well.

It's that you're too close. Is it because David doesn't like him? No, truly. There's no reason. I have no idea why. I think it's because you weren't here. Almost a hundred fucking episodes. Yeah. You did them on zoom forever i know that's weird there's no reason i have no reason not to have had you on every time we're playing golf he's like i need to find a

woman or a person of color and i'm like okay what about a fat guy? I'm a minority. You are a minority. There are, thank God, not a lot of you. The look that Sam is giving me is so careful. You've been on thin ice for about four hours now. I can't believe it hasn't broken and killed you. Yeah, I can't believe you haven't said it. Yeah, check out Sports Bullies. Check out Sharpie on Instagram, too.

Yeah, please do. Oh, he's on HBO Max. That's what I was just going to say. I have a real plug. Check out, and it's not even my thing, but I'm barely in it, and I get paid if you watch it. Hopefully. I actually don't know how this works. Watch your episodes.

We'll find out. Please go, if you have HBO Max, go and check out our friend show, Those Who Can't. It's a very funny show that nobody really watched because it was on TruTV, and that's a real shame. And then TruTV sucks, and they never put it on a streaming platform, so nobody ever got a chance to watch it. But now HBO Max has it. That's right. So please watch it.

It's a good show. It's really fun. All of our friends are in it. A lot of really funny comedians are in it. A lot of funny comics. It's good. Yeah, it's great. Really cool. Check it out. What's it called? Those Who Can't.

And it's on HBO Max. Nice. Hell yeah. What about you, Sam T? Well, I just realized that this glass I'm drinking out says Brent the Great, Era of Domination Begins, dot dot dot May 9th, 2008.

Oh, no. What was happening? Is that your graduation day? Yeah. I hate you. Turn this off. I gave this to you specifically because of that. We're editing this.

You're done. You're done forever. Damn. How dare you? I'm a guest in your house. Somebody make that for you? Yeah. Who? You? No, my brother gave it to me your brother sucks

too he's the man turn this off i'm furious you tricked me that's fucking great i love america oh yeah chubby chasers get on the patreon yes chubby behemoth.com or patreon.com slash chubbybehemoth get all your extra eps uh this is a long one cause uh you know I had to come out here

and block some gates so you want me to stop now yeah okay