Chubby Behemoth - Vito Foot

Episode Date: June 21, 2024

SPONSORS: Tushy: Support the show and get 10% off your 1st bidet order with code CHUBBY at https://www.hellotushy.com   The Author Show: https://www.youtube.com/@theauthorshow   BONUS EPISODES: https://www.Patreon.com/chubbybehemoth   This week Sam got some fantastic news right when the boys walked in! Sam thinks smaller would be better, got dragged away from $5 of beer at the Bulldog, and his fingers were snakes. Nathan remembers a fallen friend, knows how he’d spend 2 out of 3 wishes, and had a choice wardrobe for Louisiana. The boys debate claim a cool pool line.   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth   Mutiny Coffee: [e-mail]

So this is going that's going. Oh, this is called a podcast. Hey, they're pretty cool There's only a couple of them is a new six that I've been able to find We're seven of six. There's not enough white voices in podcasting. I'm seven foot six You know, I look seven foot six in that Patreon video. Hi everybody. I'm Phil Margera I'm Philip K Dick. You're Philip that chair with you and I'm dad Phil. What if I'm dad? You're that fat fat fan instead of that fan. You're Dan fat,

fat Dan. Look who's here. Becker y'all Becker's alive. Shit. We let him out of his cage because he ran out of fish heads to eat. He just needs a shot every two hours for the rest of his life and he'll be fine. It's not bad. It's just tedious. Becker, people have been saying that you should treat yourself after 200 episodes. Just some heroin.

One little hot shot. Oh, a little taste. Yeah. I saw that request. That would be great, but I don't have enough going on right now, and I don't think it would be one. What if we got you a hotel room somewhere in the middle of the Nevada desert, and we get you one gram of heroin, and then we take away like your shoelaces, your belt, make sure you can't get into the bathroom? Yeah.

What if we tethered you to a bed and shot you with heroin? I don't want it shot. I'd want to smoke it. You want to smoke it? Yeah. No, we're celebrating. shot you with heroin? I don't want it shot. I'd want to smoke it. You want to smoke it? Yeah. No, we're celebrating. He never spiked. I don't like needles. It's 2024.

Yeah, but this is supposed to be a celebratory thing for me, not another punishment. You ever snorted? Yeah, but we only got China White a handful of times. That's hard to get. Sam, you snorted. I snorted it a couple times in Ithaca, yeah. Yeah.

New York. You snorted black tar. You're like, I don't feel anything, but I can't breathe through my nose. No, I literally snorted black tar. Black tar? Yeah, like black heroin, yeah. Yeah. New York. You snorted black tar. I did. You're like, I don't feel anything, but I can't breathe through my nose. No, I literally snorted black tar. Oh, really? Yeah, like black heroin, yeah.

Did it fuck up your breathing for the rest of the night, or did you get high? It made everything a little better, if you ask me. Hey, Becker, I get it. Okay. We used to wonder, you could probably snort black tar if you dry it out, but there's no way the sugar and all the gross stuff they put in it wouldn't gum up the works Cuz black tar looks more like opium Yeah, yeah black tar has usually

Reddened like caramel put in it right? Yeah, it's a bestest Yeah, they use the same dye when they make caram as they put in cough syrup and then they cut it with that I'd want my hair and to look like big red cream soda. Yeah Bright red I want surge color I wanted to look like I'm going to the X Games Yeah, it ranged from like a purplish brown to like a burnt sienna when it would bubble and foam Brown to like a burnt sienna when it would bubble and foam the heroin that I snorted that syrup It looked like you know, like a kid who would have a booger wall in his room

You know what i'm talking about? You were that kid, right? No, I wasn't that kid. I was I had a fucking piss jugs and spitters I was doing a lot of gross stuff, but I never never so it was contained in a little fucking it was hidden away They weren't the ecto trapo trap. What did they call them? The containment union? Yeah. Yeah, no, there was like a kid named Kyle May and he had a booger wall and he just put boogers up there and that's what this heroin looked like.

Grayish. No, it was like a black, purple, kind of like a, and I'm not trying to be lewd, but like the vaginal color of an African American. Yeah yeah yeah yeah that makes sense yeah it totally came to mind right away so yeah it would have been like that purplish black tar and then it had to be dried out so I would have given it that more now is this good for the algorithm yeah okay as long as we're not talking what's worse heroin or talking about a Vaggie there's literally like three things that people have figured out that actually set it off and we can talk about them in

Like six minutes. Okay. Hey Siri set reminder Kill momentum in six minutes. Go buck wild in six and a half, please We're going buck. You want to spill the beans or you want to talk about other stuff, dude? The boys walked in I was on a phone call with my literary agent when we were in New York I had a little meeting with Random House Looks like your boy just got first pick in the draft. We're going No, we're going we're going traditional publishing Random House, baby. You have to go fight a war I got conscripted into a proxy war by Random House versus Harper Collins and they're gonna activate me

And they're gonna erase my memory I guess but I am gonna have like a code word implanted I get to know it. I think it's I think it's Rachel Cusk I think if they bring up Rachel Cusk and how successful she is I just see white and I leave like my uncle did when they dropped him into Panama with just a blackout. And then I come out and I'm covered in blood and I just have a knife on my blade and I'm rocking gently on the steps. Shout out Patricio.

Should not have told a seven year old that story. You're breaking that chair for sure. This chair is snapping. I've never sat in it. I sat in it. It was fine. That's not true. Oh, you're saying I started it. You it I sat in it it was fine that's not true oh you're saying I started it you're gonna finish it yeah you weakened okay that's I

can't it's like you started the orange for me because I can't get my fingernails under it so you started it but then I peel it and the chair explodes but yeah yeah I can't disprove that the boys are going big we fucking did it Yeah, they're gonna traditionally publish running the light and then two book deal for my next book So and you guys walked in when I was on the tail end of that fuck you and none of this would have been possible without you guys You too Not them. That's true. But you you guys have been there you've been ten toes down for my culture Which I couldn't say enough when I was on stage in New Orleans That's true. But you guys have been there. You've been 10 toes down for my culture,

which I couldn't say enough when I was on stage in New Orleans. Oh, really? 10 toes down? 10 toes down for the culture. I did the thing with an old black guy in the front row. I was like, and I love being in New Orleans because every day I see the oldest black man I've ever seen. And what do you see to him? What do you say to him, my man? And at the same time we went, all right now. It was in unison? Yeah, dude. Fuck yeah. And then after the show he gave me a hug and he said you shouldn't have told him young blood. He didn't say yeah, it's a comedy podcast. Um, that's not a liar podcast.

We lie all the time. That's true. I, I, when you said I had toes, there's only nine. Which one's fake spot? The fake. That one's a thumb. I don't know if I'm out of frame. We're out of frame. That one's a baby's thumb. That yeah. That last perspective was a real Alice in Wonderland type shit. Yeah. We looked wrecked. It was a funky and that was my fault. And it's only for the first few minutes. Right. And then I, I boosted it a little, but poke looks tiny. We look like where the wild things are. Oh, for sure. It's hungus mungus and our dinner. I look like George Murchon. Yeah, and he's Muggsy Bugs.

What was he? Mongolian? What the fuck? No, you're thinking. Not Lithuania, not. He had a movie starring Billy Crystal. Remember that? He was in My Giant because Andre the Giant had passed.

A way. He farted so loud, all the cameras turned off. He killed a PA. We can't ensure this shoot because Andre's gas is too horrific. I fart boss. It's all I have. It's the only way to get the pain out of me boss. Becker's in pain because he can't burp. He said he was jealous of

me for blasting like seven of them after lunch. He was just trying to make you feel better about how gross you were. He's all stopped up. I ate a bunch of food for like the first time in like four days today. Yeah you did you shoved. I was saying he's like George Michael something's wrong they're not eating like they should and everybody's worried. Everyone's scared. Yeah but yeah there's definitely. They're not eating like they should and everybody's worried. Everyone's scared. Yeah. But yeah, there's definitely. We're going to put Becker into a sack and throw it, hit it against a tree. You know what we should do when the time is right and we'll know. He'll try to crawl under the porch to die alone and we'll have to drag him out. You should put him and George Michael in the same bag and whoever comes out alive

gets their medicine. Yeah, we can only save one. Yeah. We put them in like a, in a chamber and we just throw down, I guess a blade wouldn't work for George Michael. He could hold it in his mouth. His mouth. Yeah. I wonder what we can save.

He's from Albuquerque, so he knows his way around a pointy stick. Albuquerque puppy mill, George Michael. Yeah, he was saved from a kill shelter. Mm-hmm brought up to our VATA Megan's mom has a dog alert for no reason and then Finds out or you know, there's some website where you can like be alerted when there's a certain breed Yeah in your area single breed how to complicate your life even further comm their dog their dog comm Yeah, leftover puppies org

So yeah, we'll see next week George Michaels fate stay tuned I'm pulling for him. I'll say it. I'm all hope your dog doesn't die But we got to remember there's only one person who uses their sickness for attention on this podcast and it's Becker That's me that's you We have so many like active people out there i'm sure that we have you know, we have scientists we have doctors we have biologists We have a aquatic mammal experts. Can anyone weigh in and fix becker? Yeah, or if you're one of those doctors my case has been shared into some giant Database where you can look it up and research it.

So you could probably find it by my name if you wanted to go in there and look for it. Yeah. And then while you're reading that, you should watch, call me by your name and jerk off. That's a hot movie. Whoa. I don't like, I don't think I'll, I don't want to be problematic here, but I don't think I'd enjoy sucking a big dick. No, I don't think I'd like it. want to be problematic here, but I don't think I'd enjoy sucking a big dick No, I don't think I'd like it. No if I have to suck a dick. I want it to be a small day Yeah, yeah. Well Byron fucking tried to suck off the globe trotters, you know, he went from like rec league to sideline

with Sweetwater Jackson or whatever You have he didn't dip his toes he cannonballed into homosexuality And the pool was just filled with the cum from the guys huge dick now is this okay for the algo? Yeah, we're past it. Oh, no, we're not. Yeah, we're at ten minutes. Yes gay So it was like crossing over perfect I'm crossing over with John Edwards. Yeah, we can't Remember that guy that billionaire. Oh my god that huckster He was the last great psychic. I think he was on before like wrestling so I would see the end

Uh-huh, and I just be like this motherfucker. Yeah, just Spinning plates just doing what we do. But like in this weird sincere way that people think he's like doing good. No, he's just vibing and riffing and lying in people's room. You might as well have a podcast. He's just lying. Yeah. Yeah. Or comedy podcast. Cause you just fucking make shit up. I also, then there was a fill in the room. Yeah. Hey, I want to talk to my brother Vito. All right, Vito, can you hear me? Yeah, I'm in hell, Phil. Help! There's no hot, underage kids down here, Phil. I can't do the voice. I'm not a master of impressions. Vito was so gross. Yeah. But yet Pat Richardson based his whole thing on him.

Following in his very wide footsteps. I bet Vito had that thing where like you know when fat guys have to walk on like the side of their shoes. Yeah. Or like they can't like use the heels. They walk on the outside and their heels are smushed. That's Vito foot as we call it. I actually read that in one of the journals where I was looking you up. JAMA, Journal of American Medicine. Yeah, which Emily is not allowed in. Medical Association. She's too inflammatory.

JAMA. Yeah. MDs only. Looks like you euthanize too many people. Locals only. D-O-N-T, go there. Don't go there. Yeah.

So Becker, we haven't seen you face to face. What do you got? Not a whole lot's been going on. You getting laid at all? Nope. Not since we've seen you. I do have Denver based shorts. Bastion steakhouse. Casabonita fountain. PS lounge.

PS. Oh, RIP Enzo's End. They had the thin crust pie. Yeah, they was really good. That's how Mal came into our life. Oh yeah, he was an Enzo's man. He worked at Enzo's with Ethan and then he started coming over to Mouth House. Yeah. Oh shit, I forgot. That's a good fucking pizza too. It is and it's cracker thin crust. Nobody's gonna buy it. Well, it's also open up. It's fucking two hours every week. Yeah. Like you go to Enzo's like, let's get a pie. It's one in the afternoon on a Friday. Enzo's not open. Yeah. Stay out stupid. D O N T go there. They're cooking the books. Love Enzo. Enzo was crazy. I want a thin pizza, but no one in Denver will sell the pizza. So I got to make my own. I'm Enzo was crazy. I want a thin pizza, but no one in Denver will sell the pizza, so I gotta make my own.

I'm Enzo. Wait, and Enzo's was by, or attached to the PS? I think he was by Curious. It was right by the PS. I don't know if it was attached. It was right... It was by Steve's Mackin' Dogs. Yeah.

Yeah. And Bastions. Bastions is over there. It's up there before Colorado on Colfax. Before Colorado. Kind of by Lost Lake. Yep. Or you did the Bulldog. Welcome to who cares? Sam Nate and the other guy. Welcome to us, Joe. He's back together some memories from 2012 some short space memories you hosted that Mike I think that was the first time I ever to stand up in front of you was a bulldog and I came in and I Got a $5 picture and that was the night when like dick black like a guy was like give me that Mike I'm gonna shoot you whoa, and dick was like just do a bitch. Well, I ain't got nothing but this Mike I'm not gonna give you my life

So if you want to take this Mike you take my life first and like while that while that was going on, Tim Coleman literally had me by the collar and was trying to drag me out the door because you know, because he told me don't play. He was trying to save your life. Yeah. And you were like, I have to finish my picture. I paid $5 for this. I don't have any weed and I have to get, I have to get a little bus. Yeah. Well, Tim, you know, black guys always run first because they know. So Tim was like, get out of of here and the guy was like gonna shoot my best friend at the time dick black was i doing i don't know probably getting laid in the back back and i was mackin on some uh-huh i was single for like the second of three

short periods in the last 15 years you were trying to fuck curly lucy and i was wifed up uh-huh but i was on the prowl there, I think. Anyway, oh yeah, what I was going to say with the Bulldog Bar was I went in there so confident, because I had hosted like two shows in Vegas. I knew that I wanted some money. I wasn't going to be like an idiot who does it for free, because they supply the mic or whatever.

Right, you're doing them a favor. We have, we have 150 followers on Facebook, so we'll promote. Don't worry about that. When we remember, yeah. So I remember I went in there and I'm pretty sure this is 2008. I said, I will host a mic here every Wednesday for $200 a week. Yeah. And they said, how about 50? And I said, uh, thank you, sir. Yeah. Swallowed it. I was Byron. I swallowed half. And they were that huge dick in rehab.

You see, you swallowed three quarters. Dude, I have two brothers that own that bar. And I don't know, I didn't do it very long. No. And they, and it obviously didn't turn the business around. You were an incompetent wild man. You're not going to save the bulldog. I was not incompetent, but an open mic is just so low stakes. And so I'm pretty sure it was Wednesday. Pictures were five bucks. I think it was Sunday. No, it wasn't Sunday Okay, maybe it was because Rick D. Simone took it over before he took over. He started doing something there Yeah, I can't remember if he a rival my asked and pictures were 450 at that one

Well, so that was maybe the first time and not the last that a Denver comic was like, oh, there's a show at a place I should see if they want another show at that place. Yeah. Yeah I wonder if I should do another just go to the place and be like hey do you want another show that's kind of serves up putty that's my stand up like Stanley barks a little chair the waves are really crashing we got to get out there get my board wax Elaine wear something wear something tight. Do locals only. Locals only. Kramer, it's a locals only beach. They're not gonna let us. They're gonna call us Howley's Kramer.

I don't know, buddy, it sounds like a good time. Oh, not giddy up. Giddy you. Yeah. Yeah, that was a fun time. I remember when Lion's Lair said me and Roger could host and it was $25 we had to split and me and him turned to each other and gave each other a huge hug Much like when you guys walked in and I told you I got a publishing deal and I gave you big hugs

That was me and Roger being like we fucking made it bro 1250 a Monday for four hours work almost 50 bucks a month, right each and then Tony let me finish Almost 50 bucks a month. Right. Each. And then Tony let me finish. Each. Each. He upped it. You guys have quarters after the split? No, this was after like a year and a half of like making the lion's lair of fun, Mike. And then he's like, Hey boys, it's going to be 30 moving forward. And we were like, you mean it, Mr. I can get my operation. But threw your hats into the air. Oh man. That's wild. Yeah. Wow. I thought it was, I thought it was 25 each. No, if you would have a gun to my head, which would be insane. The guy from the Bulldog Bar

shows back up. How much were they getting? Tell me the truth. I think they split 50 bucks a week. Wrong. I think eventually it ended up being 50 bucks a week that we split. Hell yeah Yeah, but yeah, that was that was not that was life-changing Those when you started calling up the jobs you never had and quitting. That's right. Yeah Hey, let me let me talk to Todd. Who's the manager on duty? Yeah, get him. Hey, man. Guess what? I'm not coming in not today not ever again. I'm done done with your shit. What's your name? I'm Sam Talon You don't work here. Oh god goddamn right. Yeah, not anymore. Yeah, I never will. My last check in the mail. Hey, ice cream truck guys. I've been stealing $12 and quarters every day. Hey, I don't need it anymore because I'm getting 12 a week now. It's on the side

of the road running. So don't worry. The ice cream is not going to melt anytime soon. Hey, ice cream guys. I just torch the van and they're like, Oh thank you. Do you want your cut in cash? No, I want in SpongeBob popsicles. Yeah, no, that was, that was, that was before I was twenty one and then Tony started letting us come behind the bar and just serve beers to ourselves. I got so fucked up on Paps the lion's lair every Monday for like seven years old style. You ever do the old style? I didn't like the old cell because it didn't pour the same and had less head more more like a Byron Graham situation, not enough head for me, the guy getting sucked. That's the opposite a Byron Graham situation. Not enough head for me. The guy getting

sucked. That's the opposite of Byron. But so many great comics started at Lion's Lair. Byron Graham, Aaron Urus, Corey David, all the fucking greats of Denver. Steve Vanderplug, Steve AJ, you know. Lair boys? Yeah, started at Lair. Not Squire. No, because they were scared. Yeah. You'd come to Lair, you'd learn how to do it, then you'd go over there and Greg would say he's gonna skull fuck you in front of your parents on stage.

Say your sister has cool tits or something. Yeah. I fucked your sister. Yeah. That was like his whole thing. Would be like, that guy was black, huh? Yeah. No, he was great.

Greg? Yeah. Great? Yeah. I remember. Yeah, you were all hard up for him was he was great. Greg yeah great yeah. I remember yeah. You were all hard up for him and I was like no beyond to improv beyond the beyond date he has. He had some he had some really oh he had nothing beyond his stick. It's stick was the whole thing. Oh no. Byron should have started on that. He would have died. He would have passed away. He would have died. Stole a hole out the back. Now Greg was Greg was good. He was very good at that time. Yeah he had a good run. All right P. He faded away. Yeah better to just disappear one day. Remember Jake Brown being in front of Lions Lair like being very sincere. And I was like, this guy's way too pretty to do this. Yeah.

This was like 2008, nine or something. He like tried to do stand up. It was nine. Yeah. He had like gorgeous eyes. And I was like, bro, you don't need this. Yeah. Get out. He hadn't ruined his face with liquor yet. So that girl is our friend. No, I mean like now he's not too handsome to do stand up when like 10 years ago, 12 12 years ago He definitely still had enough. I'm not even talking shit. You're being nasty. I don't mean it I know but I think he even appreciates that he's old enough and his hair is thinned out enough now that like he looks like One of the guys before he looked like an outsider who was interloping because he was very pretty It is weird when a guy's like super attractive for most of his life

Then he just becomes normal, but he still has the confidence of like rock hard babe. Yeah. Yeah, that's an interesting kind of guy. I keep hoping Jeff Tice will get fat. Yeah, me too, that'd be great. That would be insane. If I had three wishes, that'd be two of them.

He just looks like big country Reeves. Yeah, blown out. Stung, honey stung. You see they relaunch that cook the cookie crisp cereal. No, and now it's called like like crispies or something. They just brought it back with the name that didn't have cookies in it. Oh, like they were going to trick parents. Yeah, it was a health squares trick parents. Yeah. Health squares.

Nutrition discs from Kellogg's. When we were kids didn't Cookie Crisp advertise that a cop was coming to bust you for eating cookies for breakfast? That's right. Okay. And then I remember the cookie. Chris Robert took the gun and shot the cop in the head. Yeah. It's every cop's worst nightmare. I eat whatever I want to their family so they can throw them around Yes, they can beat up their nurse wife They can tune up that secretary

Put this in your mouth, it's a gun They're just fucking to the stone cold soundtrack over and over again. You hear that in the bedroom. You know, mama's gonna need to look and put some ice in the bath. What? I'm just having fun. Me too. Just trying to take a sec to enjoy. I know, sorry, we have so many riffs in this pod. People have said like, why don't you guys ever follow up on stuff? I'm like, follow up on this. You honk your nuts? Yeah. What do they mean? We don't let them dangle on stuff. We just move around so quick. We move around so quick that sometimes somebody will hear one of you line up for something and then see the floor to the other person and it gets so good

You don't even go back like that story about dick black Yeah Like begging for death so he didn't have to give up his spot at the open mic would be like an entire episode for most Podcasts. Yeah for us. It's just another Tuesday blow right through fucking M bison, baby If if you listen in the beginning, I know one of my things was I Never wanted to dwell too long right here because they really can turn Naval gaze II or just like where you know that you're trying to self-photologize 20 minutes out of something because you are just trying to

Cross the finish line, which I did in New Orleans because I was so beat Otherwise if you hadn't texted me that though, it didn't come across that way finish line which I did in New Orleans because I was so beaten but otherwise if you hadn't have texted me that though it didn't come across that way in that episode no oh I wanted to I wanted to put him through the wall come on buddy in person energy wise it felt that way but watching a recording and listening to it it's you were just as much a part of it as the other two come on but I was in the same amount of time I I was faking it. Yeah. Well, no, it was really just, like I said,

I was not actively listening and thinking of something to say. It was one or the other. I went with just looking at you and just, yeah. And then when you tried to throw it to me, I was like, whoa. Like I didn't know that was the thing. Whoa, he's talking to me. Whoa. My hero is talking to me. I was watching. He knows my name. I thought I was doing poking or listening to poke and Kush and I was like, they haven't

talked much basketball, but I'm having a good time. Well, I'm just glad that you took that same energy onto the sold out shows that night. Oh, he didn't give a shit. No, it's not true. He fucking mailed it in. He went and got some more stamps in between shows so he could send it first class. We said before we recorded, you would be the only person who would know that. Fact number one, exhibit A. Ex gonna give it to you. Exhibit B. Exhibit G. Your arms aren't long enough to hop box with God. Hold on. Did you hear this? My buddy got maced the other day. I was glad he didn't get puffied. That was mine in the pool was not yours. It was mine. No

you weren't capable of any funny lines that day. I was getting baked when I came up with that and I was like, I was literally me. I got to ride this wave. No, I think it was me. No, it wasn't you. You couldn't, you didn't say anything funny that day. It's official. I was watching DJ Hazm. Oh, she was, she had every curve. DJ Gotham, this black goddess.

Yeah. On the side of the pool, playing very divisive, not the most popular music. Cause it was kind of like an actual DJ club. No, no, no. But she had, she had like her phone hooked up to like a little speaker and then she brought a giant speaker out of no way, which I don't think she was using or else we would have been like blown out of the water. It was huge.

Also, she wasn't gone long enough to like have to have gone to her apartment to get that speaker. She just like had it on ice nearby. It was maybe in that little clubhouse changing room. And then she brought it out and she played a bunch of Dreamcast load screen music over and over again. Okay. Those never winter nights out there baby. Yeah she had huge ones though. Yeah she was smoking cigarettes. I love the elegant way that a black woman smokes a cigarette where it's like I don't want it to reek so

should they like hold it at this angle? They also hold it Yeah. Yeah. I love that move. It's not it really gets me going feel like I'm constantly dropping something, right? Yeah, like it's such an uncomfortable thing to do. She was dropping the beat. Hell. Yeah, and then some things They were thinking and Yeah, well as I said, I was glad that she was playing any music. She could have been playing fucking Mushroom Head and it would have been better than hearing the people that the several groups of boring looking people. They're 18 inches away from us in this small pool. Yeah, they weren't talking like me and him and Polk. My Killer May stuff was killing. Yeah, that was not you. It was crushing. No, oh, but but Polkwood underwater is

to say it. Scream at six feet down. I was, what are you doing down there buddy? After the after the my career, after the bull and the pod. Yes, I was tired, but I would have had a fine early show Saturday night, but there was a annoying woman like the ninth one of the weekend There were so many just one drunk. Huh first one of the weekend. No, I think so No both shows I can tell you you know that I'm telling the truth because you answered by saying no both shows Friday Had women that were a problem. I don't just not as bad as early Saturday. I don't remember because I was becoming pure light up there. That first show Friday, I might have been the funniest person alive for that hour. It was nuts, bro, because Polk went up, crushed,

Lime went up, crushed even harder. Not really got buried by pulp. It's still a good job. And then I went up and I was like, it was like my fingers were snakes and they were biting everyone. It was nuts, bro. But you you would have stand in the back and you would have had your arms crossed and you would have went That's my friend

Fuck yeah. Yeah, that's that's the new heroin right there. Yeah, it's good heroin. He's gonna he's gonna kill a lot of kids No first show Saturday I would have been fine, but a woman fucking was immediately annoying and weird and it threw off my set, but I still was good. But then the second show, it was like, what was she doing? What did you say to her? She was drunk. She was responding. She said, cause it was right away.

Cause like one of the first things I talk about is, uh, who has dogs? They think you're dead right now. I have friends who have raccoons as pets and people don't like that. This woman started clapping and I go, oh, so yeah, you It's not divisive for you. You like it. And she goes, no, I think it's fucking stupid. And I was like what? You were clapping for it. And so that was like a minute into my 20-minute set and then she tried to say something else like pretty quick And I was like you have to shut the fuck And then she tried to say something else like pretty quick and I was like you have to shut the fuck You have to shut the fuck up because you've only ruined half of the show

Don't ruin the whole show Ruin half that's the best we can hope for and then I realized like I have to dig out of this I go so any raccoons, huh? That's a crazy bet. I said, I'm Tumbleweed rolls across the stage. I'm funny. I was mean and now I'm trying to be funny What am I your dad? Yeah that saved it and then so that was the early show late show Saturday Yeah, I was a little I was a loopy I think and only you would have thought or known How off I had you were wearing it. I wasn't wearing it. I still did I still did well They brought in tailors so you could put it on even tighter I still did well. They brought in tailors so you could put it on even tighter.

What? Oh, a tailor. A tailor, yeah. Yeah, no, it was fun to see just like you up there, because it reminded me of when you would be drunk and we'd be doing a bad show with Toby. And it's like, you're up there and you're like, you know, and this was you going, but you weren't drunk. I was sun drunk.

And we weren't even out there that long. It was just a culmination of that whole trip. It was a long trip. Also the sodium poisoning from that gumbo. The gumbo was delicious. Shout out that guy. But when I got home, Emily was like, were you drinking in New Orleans? And I was like, no. And she's like, you look terrible. I was just bloated. And then the next day I hung a rope and it was like, my whole body came out and that, it was good. I wish I, I should have weighed the pee that I had on Monday

cause I bet it was a three pounder. Damn. Bubbles? Foamy? No, but it hissed when I hit the water. Then the lights went off in the bathroom. Real hot. Yeah. And then I kind of, I was peeing, I remember.

And then I woke up on the ground and there was just, there was a bunch of gas in the after real hot. Yeah, and then I kind of I was peeing I remember and then I woke up on the ground and it was just there was a bunch of gas in the room like smoke I think I made sodium chloride Green gas green mist. Yeah, damn. Yeah, you're like the demon It was fucking good best missed you Becker. Yeah, it was like Where's Becker? It was like Becker said in Tokyo It was so hot and miserable except we weren't miserable because Of where we were it was worth it new orleans was worth Feeling gross. Also. I looked insane. I brought you two short shorts

Yeah, and then long Like long triple xl butter button-ups. It was like if they cast jack black as charles manson That was the vibe. He was the look. He was like party starting like cult leader. Like, yes, I am going to fuck all your wives, but we're going to do a Marimba first. Yeah. Yeah. Did you leave the sleeves on button but unrolled? No, they weren't long sleeves. I meant long, like cause they were big. On the late shows on the whole shows on Saturday, those yellow shorts and then a cactus Jack t-shirt. Okay. That's that's how we went up there so sick of the button up with the short

shorts looked crazy I said it looked like you this look like you were a chick that banged it did look less crazy oh I wasn't wearing Cactus Jack I was wearing an old mutiny shirt because there's a hole in the armpit and I pointed or gestured and everybody that could see it giggled and I was like and I didn't know what what they had laughed at for a second I was like I'm doing it it's the whole I got a laugh sure yeah what did you think it made you look like though oh the the button up with the short shorts made me think of like when a woman sleeps with a guy and spends the night and then puts on one of his shirts

in the morning mm-hmm God I love that. It looks so stupid, but I couldn't put pants on. I don't think I could've. I think my body would have stopped me from putting on pants. I had a girl one time who worked at Vine Street. London, I think you were there and I picked her up and put her over my shoulder and carried her off. I remember that. I'm sure I must have been there. I'm just saying she was she was rocking her shirt in the morning. She when we got to the apartment. She couldn't get out of it. Yeah she was trapped. Then I tied it off at the bottom and I threw that over my shoulder. I carried her. Yeah. Took her to the top of a mountain where you lived. This is back when I only wore flannel and before she came to bed, she put on my flannel shirt

Nice She put on the shirt that I've been wearing that's not like cigs and Vine Street beer and the sweat because it was one of two Garments I own yeah, she put it on and came to bed. I remember we started fooling around and I was like she reeks You're hooking up with yourself your own medicine now I was hooking up with she was perfect the opposite of you yeah no good the last drop what what do you mean no exactly no I'm allowed to be horny you know what's not bad though guys here I I got it right here. No, no, let me make it more organic No, it's not bad back here you read it you're always bragging about reading stuff, you know, what's not bad what to see?

Oh my god. I love it. Yeah, they're the sponsors of today's show keeps my whole clean Tushy has launched to she travel so now you can stay clean on the go. It's a passport and a bidet. It has three stream nozzles for total clean. Yeah and if you use it it protects you against malaria so you can go into the jungle. You've got your shots, you've got your identification, it's a fanny pack, it's everything. They're just awaiting FDA testing and it has its own air mesh bag for travel. What? Yeah. So you can you can have that thing that you shit into and then it cleans the shit off your ass and then you can air it out on the plane. You hose it down and then take it to go immediately. There's no

drying period. That is so smart and important. You know, I haven't bought one for a long time. I never bought one because I was so worried about being able to use it on the go. Yeah. But now I know that like if I want to be on the go, I can take that Tushy. I can get down there. I can take it off the pipes and I can take it with me when I go visit my secret family. Oh, yeah. Damn. Now that you say that, it would seem easy to like travel hotel to hotel with your own tushy. You know what I'd like to do is I'd like to put it on the back of the door,

so that way when people use the bathroom and they shut it, there's some kind of like mechanism, so when it shuts, the tushy then sprays them in the face. That would be the tushy travel bidet, because that's exactly how it works. It does say built for pranks. Well, it's very much- Jamie Kennedy approved. It's very much built for pranks. I was looking at it

the other day on the Soder Show. X-Gone, give it to you. It's a bit of, it's a compression mechanism. I wear one on my sleeve. It's a whoopee cushion. Yeah, it's a whoopee cushion filled with water. A cleansing whoopee. Hold on. It's a bottle-shaped accordion fold that you spray yourself. That's the portable bidet. It's very handy and it comes it work for pussies, too It should it should put that in the coffee And we should remind people that it doesn't hurt. It doesn't hurt hurting. That's that's important Yeah, but soup in there too, right? In the bidet. Yeah

I guess you in the toilet could in the travel bid, because it's not hooked up to any water source. You can put whatever kind of warm liquid you want in there. If you want to have a bisque colonic. A tea? Ooh, yeah. You can put a nice flavor on it. Yeah. A little cucumber water, brighten the whole thing up. Oh, sometimes they have it in the hotel lobby. You can just fill up your tissue while making eye contact with the concierge.

Be like, guess where this is getting squeezed up. Guess where this is going to be deep inside. And it doesn't hurt. That's the best part. It doesn't hurt. Every hello to she comes with a 30 day hassle, hassle free return and a 12 month warranty. So you've got nothing to lose. I have only a bunch of shit that's around your asshole. If you're hanging on to that I'm sorry for the loss of your son. Maybe some cans of soup it sounds like. You're hoarding

shit on your butt. 21.1. He always stunk. I always yelled at him. I said clean your butthole. We can we can smell it as soon as you get home from school. Yeah. We smell you. Instead of smell letting people smell you as soon as you get home stay shower fresh. Keep them guessing. Reek one day don't reek the next. No stay shower fresh all summer long. Don't let her get used to it because then that's where you set the bar. Don't spoil her. Join the two million butts that have already switched to Tushy. That's four million cheats. Ha ha ha. For a limited time, listeners get 10% off

for their first bidet order when you use code CHUBBY at checkout. That's 10% off your first bidet order at hellotushy.com, H-E-L-O-T-U-S-H-Y.com with promo code CHUBBY. And look, we goof around, but having a bidet is a nice little thing in your apartment. It's not gay. It's not gay to clean your butthole, fellas. It rules. Yes, it does rhyme with bidet, but it's not gay.

Have a bidet? You're not gay. And if you are gay, hell yeah. Alright, use some of that expendable income you have, because you're not trapped in fucking heterosexual monogamy. You know, buy one last hit of fucking Molly what does it say whatever you say don't mention how it hurts or not the travel bidet looks like a water bottle like a water bottle so be careful hold on yeah but you should get the bright pink one rocket on the hip clip that looks like Emily's grandma's butt after

the surgery. Wait, so you just sit on this? Or you, I have to have my wife stand behind me and hose me out? I think it's a two-hand move. It's nice that they have the straw attachment. So you can aim it. Yes, you can also make mixed drinks before you go to the beach. My sister-in-law comes over, she's like, do you guys have like a travel mug? I'm like, no, no we don't. No, ah. You know what is cool as well? Reading, Becker. That's right. You haven't been on this show since we've welcomed

our new sponsor, The Author Show. Oh nice, what are these folks all about? Well, they're kind of like a brand new absurdist documentary series on YouTube. If I just had to like riff what they are, that's what I would say. Off the dome. Yeah, and it kind of like the Iron Dome it follows what's not get political right all right he has bolas coming I'm hes bola

have you seen that clip haganoush I accidentally say has but my grandma's name was hes bola I mean haganoush that's the name of the little guy right hezbollah house boo house boolaganush. That's the name of the little guy, right? Hezbollah? Hasboula. Have you seen the clip where Mike Tyson doesn't know he's an adult? No. Oh my God, dude. Hezbollah is shadow boxing with Mike and Mike's goofing around and then Mike just picks him up and starts blowing raspberries on his neck and patting his head.

And he says to the guy behind him, like, he's such a little cutie. You're such a good little guy. And he's giving him noogies and has bullets like Yeah, he's like I'm a fucking adult Muslim man Yeah, and you're kissing me like I want to premarital sex But you're a man kissing me on the neck because you think I'm six sexually assaulting. Yeah, it's brutal You know, it's not brutal though You know what's not brutal though? The author's show. Is throwing your entire world up in the air for one singular purpose to sit down and finally

write his first novel. Look man, I've been there. All right, all those lonely dusty nights in front of the keyboard. Your old lady coming in saying, come in here and make love to me. And I say, shut up. I'm trying to describe the color of roses and dim dusk night light so can it just finish yourself off you're gonna have to do it anyway use the toosie travel I filled it with Prosecco it doesn't hurt the bubbles just ensure an even deeper clean. Sorry, we're crossing, we should get some

time to do the other show. We're crossing our tushy streams. I like a YouTube show about writing a book. I like a play about a magic trick. I've already said this, but hey. I mean, I watched, it was good. I mean, I like meta stuff. I like behind the scenes stuff. I like Birdman. Right. And also the quality of the filming, like the cameras they use is astounding. Yeah. Have you seen it? I did. It's so

pretty. It's very it's lush. Well shot. And the guys are fucking stud and his buddies hot. Oh, they're hot. Yeah, they're. Yeah, they're handsome. They're a couple of Tysons. Oh, yeah, they look like they could be pro skateboarders or models. Whoa, like the or guys who get away with shoving women in bars. That's how hot they are. Tall and fucking strong, cool dicks. Dude, that guy's cock was nuts.

Did you zoom on it? No, that's not true. I couldn't zoom on it. I couldn't tell in the way that it. Right click, save to personal folder. Do you often wish that you read more books but feel incapable because you're so stupid? Yeah, that's constantly.

You're not alone. No one reads fiction anymore, especially young people. I read the Bible. Yeah, you do. The bartender's Bible. Bill Maher. I'm Bill Maher. If you want to read more,

you got to watch the author show where my friend Daniel practically loses his fucking mind trying to write the next great American novel. Hey, look, Daniel, aspiring writers out there, keep your head down, all right? author show where my friend Daniel practically loses his fucking mind trying to write the next great American novel. Hey look Daniel Aspiring writers out there. Keep your head down All right Because if I know one thing about publishing because you live in a bad neighborhood and there's gunshots flying everywhere Fucking run from the car to the house. Yeah. Look, I know that you hung up some fucking

Rice sacks for curtains in your hovel Because that's how authors do. But I find out one thing, if you write one book, the biggest publisher in the world is gonna reward you with life changing money. It's guaranteed. It's the lock. Just write one book.

That's all you have to do. You can publicly tell your friends in a parking lot that you're rich. One tried to offer to buy lunch and I was like no I'm officially rich right now. You did. Verbatim. Shut up. I'm rich you're not. Count your chickens. Yeah so if you're ever reading documentaries or a cheap laugh at the expense of one man risking everything to chase his dream, The Author Show, seven episodes. It is hilarious. Go to youtube.com slash at the author's show. Singular. The

author's show. And do my favor over there. Subscribe. They're good guys. They're putting some money in my pocket. It doesn't matter. It doesn't even matter. Subscribing doesn't hurt. Yeah. And hey, why don't you guys subscribe to our thing? Yeah. We get about 2,000 more listens every week than we have subscriptions. Tell them the thing. Tell them the note. We, we, in our first year we had listeners and now in this last 30 days we have four times the first year amount. Yeah. The last 30 days we've almost quadrupled the entire first year's listenership. Quad City DJs.

Quato. You guys were right. This pod rules and now everyone's finding out. So respect to the early adopters. We know we're getting, I know that we're getting bigger because we're getting haters. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It used to be we had one hater. Now we have probably 15 haters. Yeah, and that was Bill Hader. He didn't like me. He would tell us in a lot of different, we thought it was a bunch of different people, but it was him doing different characters. Right, yeah. It's tough to tell. It's like Vincent Price hates our stuff. All right, on three, everyone say Bill

Hader or Will Forte. On three. One, two, three. Will. Just simply because that Tim and Eric episode where he's like, no boy should have to cook his dog. Like the funniest sketch ever. Eat the dog! Eat the dog! I was a big Last Man on Earth fan. And that ended abruptly. That was some of the most pissed I've ever been about a cancellation. When it ended, yeah, it was stupid. And they announced like two days before the last episode aired that it was cancelled. So you knew going into that that that cliffhanger was fucked.

Yeah, that was dumb. And because I thought it had it had done a lot with Last Man on Earth. I was like, I'm going to go to the next episode. I'm going to go to the next episode. I'm going to go to the next episode. going into that that that cliffhanger was fucked yeah that was dumb and cuz I thought it had it had done a lot with last man on earth I wanted to see what was next and then no how about no instead how about no best I like I like Bill hater a lot Barry's great I'm not a hater hater I think I'd give it to four today Oh 100% 30 rock McGruber McG, McGruber, come on, very. What's that sketch?

The fucking Lonely Island sketch he did is it names or balls with Patrick Stewart? I remember crying, laughing at that when I was like 16, but I can't remember what the gist of the bit was. You were crying, though, because you were out of heroin. Because your supplier had gotten. That's why I can't remember. The specifics of it was it was definitely early heroin and us like sitting around watching Saturday live and like rocking holding each other laughing at the lonely island shit that

was brand new what about this yeah okay will you blindly agree to whatever I'm about to say yes what if the three of us smoked a little hair Jesus Christ smoking it yes okay no you get it you can I won. Okay. No. Can you get it? You can't. I won't get it. Who's gonna get it for us? Then I'll know how to get it. So you have to get it.

You're the barkeep, just ask fucking Skag Andy down there if he can get you a little taste. I could probably get it in two seconds. Yeah, we could. People keep doing blow in the bar. Guess when my shifts are? Tuesdays and Wednesdays. Early.

And almost every fucking shift, almost every shift I go in to clean the women's restroom, there's two toilets in there on the top of both tanks. A little fucking whisper of some white stuff. Here's what we'll do. It's fucking Tuesday, bro. Let's, let's. Let's 2024, bring your own mirror.

Bring a little mirror. Don't do coke off the toilets. You have a giant purse, you have a little bag. Do it off your phone, like all the kids in the movies do. Oh, off your phone. Yeah, glass on both sides now I do it like how this one chick did at a party one time and it got me so hard dude off of a Polly pocket. Whoa

That was fucking hot damn She had like a Polly pocket cameo that she would open up and like in the top you could play in it And then this was just a mirror. I remember seeing her doing blow off that and she had pigtails and I was like Full Byron Graham and rehab. What if we all relapsed on our DOCs? No. Yes you will relapse for Becker on heroin you'll drink and all download Madden for my PS4. No NCAA right? I know yeah Yeah, you guys are bad. I keep beating you. We're fine. Yeah, you spiral.

You get, you get NCAA. Uh huh. Oh, I'm getting it. I'm getting NCAA. Oh, it's coming back. Oh, it's coming back. Next year? Me, Soder, Gillis are going to be in a league and we're going to play for money.

Wow. Yeah. We're all going to become non-friends. Yeah. I was about to say, and then you'll be super competitive with Dan as well. Yeah, that'll be good. Yeah. That'll be great for morale. Soder who reached out and said, Hey, how batshit was Roseanne? Yeah. Dan's got dreads, huh? Did she? Yeah. A little bit. They're like, it's like the start. You were sitting next to her. Yeah. But she has that thing where they're like.

They were in the hat maybe? And it's more of like a grouping of hair than it is like the full on block, where it's like flat in spots because she's just letting it get greasy and matted. Like all the freshman dudes who go to CU Boulder. Every dude who I took a campus tour with had that hair. Passive dress.

Yeah. Right? She's not showering very much. No, but she's not rubbing them and doing the whole thing so it probably has much to do with like the recreational drugs she was doing outdoor outdoor cat and she lives in hawaii oh yeah yeah she like lives on a pistachio farm in hawaii damn yeah howly mm-hmm yeah she locals only Dan this pussy's locals are right the snake hang ten over here hang your ten in my pipe go kill that only locals only I like when Becker does a voice voice getting involved. Damn I miss us. Yeah, we're great. I'm not going to have you this weekend or next weekend. Yeah. Well, but you've Pat this weekend. I have Pat. It's bad. Now

this weekend you have exactly what you thought you might get Yeah, yeah, when you knew that you couldn't bring me a right dude Don't do an act out another big guy. No Wiggle little shimmy. Yeah, that was that was that was our sineo hall from the Simpsons is what you just did. He just did He like takes a victory laugh on a joke and does this. Yeah, this weekend I'm at Cobb's Comedy Club in San Francisco. Lund will not be there, but my sister will be. And she'll be selling my merch.

Your sister's opening for you? I'm bringing Sophie. She's really blue. She's doing a Q&A. She also does a lot of crowd work. She does. Which is your thing. I don't think...

Oh yeah, I texted you. I don't think I said it on the pod, but when I was in Winnipeg and had the headline, I told you, the opener started doing crowd work like immediately. And I was like stoked to be able to do, cause like I know Sam doesn't care allegedly, but it doesn't make sense. I know, but it doesn't make sense for me

to try to do any crowd work. I do my jokes, maybe a little interaction, but it's like the headliners thing if he wants it if they want it Save it and this dude in Winnipeg immediately was doing crowd work and I was like, uh, that's not allowed Didn't I'm your boss. Yeah, I think that's my thing Did you say he did a really good job of doing crowd work though? I think that's my thing. Didn't you say he did a really good job of doing crowd work though? Yeah.

Yeah, that's what I said. Oh wait, he did? Yeah. No, I did. Oh, you. I thought you said, did I? No, I know you did a good job, but yeah. You said that he was like,

Hey, what's up? Where do you work? All right. You call it a job? So he ate up the reserves and then also did a shitty job of doing it. I got a job for you. It wasn't shitty, but it was just kind of like a, it was almost like, uh, like he just hoped that

somebody would have something cool. So there wasn't a lot of commitment. It was more like a anything. No. What about you? Something? No, it was an interesting choice. Also in Winnipeg, they made the MC do a birthday shout out thing where everyone

who had a birthday there that night, he did like personalized crowd work for them on their birthday during his host spot free coffee mug right with how full of syrup how many birthdays there was like eight like yeah oh yeah and this was the guy went up there and he's like so dating is weird right and then he was like all right it's birthday time he like only got to do like 60 seconds before he had to do the birthday thing. A lot of birthdays. Yeah.

I was surprised, yeah. And then handing it to someone in the front to pass to wherever they were in the back. Yeah, it was weird. I'll say this about New Orleans. We didn't talk about it when we were there, but people weren't dumping them out. No?

No, I was hoping that we'd be there well it was also pride so there was a lot of dudes out there letting it swing which is great embrace your embrace yourselves boys I don't see any cool things hanging I'm just saying that usually you see like it's like you know dick the BTC is in town and they were not in town they had their meetings in Dustin or something that weekend the crew was other otherwise disposed mm-hmm it was there but the BTC for boys was there big tasty cocks Bitcoin yeah BTC on the rise Brent the crate your order of Brent once a month that comes in the mail in a giant crate Brent the crate that suck Oh, yeah, we get old real quick. I'm back

No, I bet your Brent of the month club would come and it doesn't know how to speak and it can't walk It's like the girl from poor things He's just like foot foot and then just like jerking off. He's actually exactly like the girl from poor thing He loves masturbating hit a sexual awakening late in life, and now he just lets anyone jam. Yeah, down for whatever. Yeah, he's the happiest person I know when he gets laid. Yeah, a little too happy. Yeah, but I mean, I don't know anyone else who's maintained that level of happiness over getting laid It's like 13 all the way into their 40s. Becker, this is what it is

It's like we said on the drive up here We have both we both have that weird starvation mindset scarcity mindset even as we have Had enough money to not be like that. Yeah, they're still a part of our brains that can go into that Oh, where's my next meal going to come from? And it's like, I have some money in the bank. It's fine. That's Brent. He doesn't know when he's going to get laid again. So every time he's like, yeah, he's literally like a bedouin camel trader in the desert. And every time he gets laid, it's the same thing as that migrant dude. Just when someone else comes over one of the

dunes and he's like, Oh, I can, I can trade my camels for spices or whatever that's him in the desert wandering around and you know what's gonna suck we're actually be really cool is when Brent dies I want to outlive Brent just so whoever gets his phone can leak all the raunchy shit that he's self-produced with his lovers can you imagine how fucked up Brent Gill's camera reel is? Oh for sure. He's never mentioned anything about it to me but it makes perfect sense. That's why he has a flip phone so he can put it in a condom and shove it in her. Yeah like a colonoscopy. He calls it hiding

the egg. It's Easter every day. Yeah. Oh, I bet there's all kinds of images on there. Oh, but it's gonna be his dick from every angle, including like probably though hangers from all kinds of places. It was also Steve AJ's birthday the other day. I bet him and Brent, but their phones, they should be in the Smithsonian. Yeah. Most perverse shit. There should be a Meow Wolf. He had interactives. The whole room. Get me out of here! You're not allowed to leave. You have to look at it all.

Remember this. Open your eyes. Oh, Steven. You can't leave till you come. Shit. It's impossible. Oh. I saw Steven. I watched a couple of random roast battles because I was

suicidal It was the equivalent of having a gun in my mouth Sometimes I just want to watch things on YouTube almost no matter what they are if they're like less than eight minutes long sure yeah, so I was like, oh a roast battle with Casey rocket and a Kiki something a woman from LA and away No, god, that'd be crazy. That'd be great Nuggets legend it was a roast battle and and this woman Kiki like one of her things was about how Casey takes pictures with his black friends to show that he's not racist

or something, and one of the pictures was Casey with Stephen AJ, and they're like, whoa, it was weird. And then it was also kind of funny that she was trying to accuse him of something, and Casey was like, yeah, you got me, I associate with black people, or whatever, I know you hate that. It's funny that it's funny

that he's so desperate for black content that he took one with Steve A.J. I mean what they do a show together it was Steve just walking down the street smiling in case he was like get over here I think it was that a show probably yeah together I guess he's funny okay yeah very funny I didn't go back and see who the other com I think they were comics, but anyway, yeah, it was funny to clock him In this has been a real bounce house episode We've just been in the inflatable home just fucking rocking the walls mouth house episode I wish remember that remember when Byron filmed that porno called mouth house

I'm sucking dick. I'm sucking dick. I'm sucking you off. This dick is 12,000 square feet. Welcome to the mouth house. Ladies, eat free. Should I plug my shows now? Where are we? We got about four minutes. I flew by man Damn, um god, it's so much fun when Becker's in the room

Thanks. It's it is better because not only do you offer a laugh track But also when he's over there just counting his money in his head, you know, I have someone else to talk to. Let's go to Hollywood. What? I told you at lunch, I have a three book deal. If I read three books before the end of the year, I get a cool prize. I don't know what it is. You get a pizone. It could be anything. Yeah. I think it's a, I think it's a free to go cup. Someone's commemorative to go cup for the Phantom Menace. Someone's done a bit about how like the Accelerated Reading program, the Pizza Hut reading program contributed to their childhood obesity. Yeah I can't think who it is but there's a hundred percent of comedian who does it. There's probably like ten comics who do that. Yeah but there's somebody who's big

who's done it in a special. I don't know it could even be like Bargatze might have a line about it when he's talking about being heavier and losing all the weight. Hell I like pizza pie and I like books. I like reading as a kid. I like reading a book. Yeah. Somebody definitely has a bit about that because it's popped in my head both times.

Concerning, I read a book in my day. But what, it was like a free pizza a month. It's not like that can do it on its own. No, no, it was on the Kool-Aid and sweet tea. It would be one pizza a month unless you were as dedicated to being a little fat fuck like I was. If you gamed the system, you could. It was, I think, four books in a rack of them.

And the librarian had to sign off on it. And it was a personal pan for every four books. Yeah. Huh. I don't remember. I had a babysitter, Victoria Leiva, who would make me and my sister do it and then take us to the library while she was babysitting. She'd make us read the books

and then she'd steal the coupons from us. Was she from next door? The one of 20? Across the street, yeah, 21. I thought she was making you and your sister commit an act of incest. One of 21 pilots. And she loved being my babysitter

and kind of became a part of the family because she just asked my mom like. More like 21 steps. Yeah, I know you don't need me to babysit tomorrow, but can I like come over here to study? Yeah Yeah, there's 20 people over there 20 people in an 800 square Screaming my brothers keep giving me purple nurples. Yeah, my brothers discovered. I have a butt in the front Say it doesn't reek is bad There was whiffing my butt front

doesn't reek as bad. There was whiffing my butt front. But yeah, she'd steal my pan pizzas. Fuck, I'm sorry, but it's okay. You got the last laugh though. You sold it to the cartel for three grams of heroin. She's doing great. She runs an Arby's. Whoa. That is great. I'm going to Arby's country coming up. You can see me at Cobbs Comedy Club this weekend and Petaluma, the Phoenix Theater on Sunday. That one's going to be fucking crazy. A bunch of weed heads are coming in from all over. Is that north of I think it's the North Yeah, by a lot or a little? I don't know. I literally don't know, but I'm doing it and then next weekend

Chicago's sold out on Sunday, butavia Thursday Friday Saturday at the Comedy Vault come to that. We're in Chicago I was doing a humble jumble a jungle two shows Wednesday, but they sold out like immediately Batavia will be a blast and then What's fucking coming up with Trinidad the fifth Trinidad Colorado at the well hyper specific regional marketing I'm gonna go to Austin and guess I'm doing some guys podcast. Nice. I'm not cool. There's a lot of podcasts down there Yeah, there's a lot. Yeah going fishing with Dave Lucas He's gonna be like you like fishing I'm gonna say what that means By the way, keep burying Gardeini and what that means because he is not stoked

He's reached out it's the opposite of more wide world That's his more wide world, but he hates it Pittsburgh coming up Royal Oak, Michigan in town, West Virginia July 10th. That's right Come on out, baby. Come on. And then I'm going to do a show in Amsterdam in August. And we're going to do one in Rome, just so we can write it off. I guess we're already writing it off, because it's wide world.

Yeah. I'm writing everyone off. Good call. Who are you? Who are these people? You know who they are. They support our Patreon. The Patreon's cooking, man.

We got a fucking bunch of people joining all the time. So we have two. This is episode 201 of the free ones. If you have blasted all of these you're like man I wish there were about twice as many of these episodes or one word. Yeah, guess what stupid patreon.com slash chubby behemoth 196 episodes 195 or 196 I had to count them by hand when Nathan asked me because I was excited to know the answers so I might have missed one or doubled up on one. We should have asked Wheelock, he could have done it for us. We came out the gate just doing Patreons right away. It's a little bit that and then there were a couple of times that we ran into an issue where we can only record one in the

week and we favor our Patreon over this generally when we can only get one in an emergency situation. So there's a couple of times. We did three a week for a little while. Remember that? Like probably August through December 2020. The first six months almost. Before we moved. We stacked. You weren't doing stand-up.

No, we had nothing. So we stacked. And because we wanted to get the numbers up and here we are. Yeah. Send nudes to Becker. So we stacked and cause we wanted to get the numbers up and here we are. Yeah. And then it's to Becker. Yeah. Get his little Pingo Jones hard and join the Patreon, please, because come on. It helps. It helps the boys.

Becker is very sick and one has to kill his dog. So you get to pad their wallets. Can I come do it for you? No, I could totally do it. Yeah, it might feel nothing. He's under the he's add their wallets. Can I come do it for you? No, I could totally do it Yeah, like sit on nothing. He's under the he's under you right there. The chair wasn't breaking. It was George's little Georgie Mikey Good night