Chubby Behemoth - ZooBooks For Grownups

Episode Date: September 2, 2024

SPONSORS: Chubbies: Support the show and get 20% off your Chubbies order with code CHUBBY at https://www.chubbiesshorts.com   MyBookie: Support the show get some MyBookie money on the house with code CHUBBY at https://mybookie.website/CHUBBY   BONUS EPISODES: https://www.Patreon.com/chubbybehemoth   This week Sam is joined by Joe Esch! Sam tells Joe about some Elizabeth puppies, had to go to the farmers market alone, and saw a man hunt Mountain Dew. Joe reveals why Lund drives him wild, that he’s a whore for Natty G, and hung tongue. You Are Dry. Make the monkey a hero again. Sam tells Joe about the time he had pigtails. Joe has new ideas for the citizenship test. You’re not allowed in the trough anymore!   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth   Mutiny Coffee: [e-mail]

Okay, here it is everyone. You guys have been begging for it and we're giving it to you. The hotly anticipated and highly demanded Joe Esch episode of the Chubby Behemoth podcast. Joe, hello. Hello. Hi Chubby True Believers. How are you buddy? I'm doing alright. I'm rocking in the free world. We're in Wilmington right now. We're literally rocking in my hotel room because there's been a guy outside playing the same eight acoustic guitar covers since about 1130 a.m. Yeah, so I got woken up to the sweet sounds of surrender by cheap trick. Oh great one It's a great song, but you need you need a couple you need a couple more guitars to really bring that

I know they're a three-, don't get mad at me. But still, I'm just saying, it doesn't really translate when you got the hollow bodied wooden guitar slamming that. Have you heard the ska version from Less Than Jake? Have I heard the ska version of Cheap Trick Surrender by the aforementioned Less Than Jake? Yes. Brother, you know, we live different lifestyles.

No. I have not been treated to the manna from heaven that is the less than Jake cover of Surrender. I'm sorry. It's a great album. So they just had a whole album of just that song, huh? Yeah. Well, it's a phenomenal album with that song on it. And I'm sure this is the content that your fans crave. Well, no, what they really crave is me and you talking while I'm doing my fantasy drag. And I'm on pick 12 of 15, which means, Joe, I'm going to let you pick the rest of my team, all right, buddy? No! Well, this will be fun for you because I'm just going to tell you their names and you

tell me who to take, all right? So in this pairing right now, we have Jordan Addison. Do you wanna know their position or their color? Is that helpful? Yeah. I would like to know their height and their dick size. Well, I'm gonna tell you this. So Jordan Addison, and I'll let you guess

what position and what color they are. Bottom. Versus Zach Charbonne. Zach Charbonne. I know, it's tough. So what color and position is Zach Charbonneau. Zac Charbonneau. I know it's tough. So what color and position is Zac Charbonneau? Zac Charbonneau is a white

running back. Okay, alright, you're half right. You're actually three quarters right. I think he's a half white running back. Okay, and then Jordan Addison. Jordan Addison. I'm gonna say he is a black. Okay.

Wide receiver. Black wide receiver. Wow, you threw a dart at the biggest part of the board and you got it. So who are we going to, who are we going to take from those two? Jordan Addison. Oh, great pick. All right, Joe, coming through with the great pick. Now, Joe, you are here because Lund,

I don't know if I should talk about this on the pod, but one was sleeping next to his new puppy that he got in the wake of George Michael and Lund, as he's known to do, had about two and a half hot and readies passed out and rolled over and crushed the puppy along with Creech. It's so funny to me and I don't know where it comes from, but I know when I was a kid, my buddy Clay to Han, his parents ran, we didn't call it a puppy mill. We called it a home-based startup back then.

Yeah, yeah. Right? But they had a husky, this big, beautiful dog, and she would litter, you know, she littered more than me when I'm eating sunflower seeds. You know what I mean? Yeah. But she had puppies.

It seemed, as I remember it, she had puppies. She had about eight dogs every 14 weeks. You know, this lady was on a tight schedule. Is this the guy that fought dozens of dogs off? No, no, that was my, that was the man my grandfather's named after. named after ah, yeah an OVA who was a who was a boxcar hobo But no So that so one time this dog had a litter of puppies and I was there hanging out at Clay's house playing magic the gathering He was my magic the gathering buddy. He got into the game and

He got me into the game. He did he tapped me into the mainframe man. He made me a part of uh, I mean, I'm not gonna lie. I might have got on arena a little earlier today. Oh for sure 100% New rankings are out. Oh, no. Yeah, I'm tearing up gold and timeless your gold already Well, I used to be I was diamond once and I used to be a diamond diamond oh Joe okay new draft available okay all right do we want Hollywood Brown I guess I don't think we really need to try and do a deep dive under what position you don't want to guess what race Hollywood Brown is It's not a fun game I've taken Hollywood Brown So yeah, the dog gave birth that me and clay had one of our long late-night magic playing sessions

And I went to bed and I woke up the next morning and clay's mom was all sat in the kitchen I was like, what's the matter Holly and she said oh the the dog rolled over and Crushed nine puppies and I started laughing. Lost it man. Oh my god imagine if your mother was just holding you and went flunk. Yeah and your last thing you think you're having milk and you're like oh this is great I'm getting nourishment. I can't see there's still a room on my eyes. I mean I'm a baby husky that's been alive for six hours or whatever and all you know of life in that brief understanding you have is that there's a bigger version of you who feeds you out of its body and then kills you. Like you don't even see the Sun. All you have is smells and like a general

understanding of eyes closed and then embracing the end. They any percent at life. They really did. Yes. And I mean, I'm not I'm not in favor of a infant side, even fancy side like dog and fantasy side. But I just remember standing there like 10 years old. She was the other rolled over and killed all her puppies. I was like, you're so fat that you crush a little baby. It's my biggest fear, you know, which is interesting based on my dating history. Yeah, a lot of tiny ladies, a lot of frail women, a lot of sickly women. Yeah.

Well, a history of sickly women, but they're a bit of a dichotomy because they're sickly, but they also typically, as we say in the parlance of the show, had them. Oh, you know, Joe Joe hand what are you doing? What's that hand up to buddy? I'm squirming around like a little baby because I'm nervous. You're doing great. By the way we're not recording this because I'm using my phone to draft. Excellent. And you have what that Obama Google phone? You have an Android of some kind? I have an Android. I have a a pixel 6a because you do everything that Lund does oh that's right I have the same phone yeah what was the name of that the guy who like

became Versace or no it was Liberace he made his partner like he like made his partner dress and do his hair just like him because he wanted to fuck himself did you know this what I did not know that yeah so Liberace he did that so I He like made his partner dress and do his hair just like him because he wanted to fuck himself. Did you know this about Liberace? I did not know that. Yeah, so Liberace did that. So I feel like you're going to try and do that with Lund where you're gonna have to gain about 150 pounds.

There. You're gonna have to start eating just like pork knuckle. You have to do everything to make sure you get the wrath of gout as well. Oh, absolutely. Grow your hair out, slick it back. We're gonna have to get you contacts to make your eyes blue like Nathan's. Oh

Great. What is it? I'm Nathan now. What is it about one that drives you wild? Is it big lips his blue eyes his general disdain for being alive very symmetrical face Stout stocky is strong strong man. Comes from good stock. He does, yeah, livestock. Ukrainian. You have that funny bit in your act about how you want to get gaped by a 300 pound man who looks like your dad. Yeah.

And I remember I was standing in the back last night, inchio our hosts turned over and said do you look like his? Dad You don't yeah, that's never stopped me well, and I you know I guess we should say you're a self-styled homosexual Thereabouts right yeah, it's like your whole thing H-o-l-e thing But yeah, you're here because Lun bailed. For really no good reason, honestly. I told the club that his dog was sick, but he just didn't buy a flight.

Yeah! He was like, well, the flights are pretty expensive now. And it's like, they weren't expensive two fucking weeks ago when you last talked about it with me. They also weren't expensive four months ago when I got this date from my... I think I've had this date actually for like eight months. Oh yeah, for sure, because I reached out to you like six months ago when I got this date from my, I think I've had this date actually for like eight months. Oh yeah, for sure, cause I reached out to you like six months ago.

I was like, I'm gonna be in the southeast. Yeah, which you're not. You're not in the southeast, you're just here for this show. I'm here for this show, I have a move coming up. And I had to stop looking for, I wanted to find bridge dates between Arkansas last week and this one, like maybe in Tennessee but well and these are also like Wilmington North Carolina is between

Pittsburgh and Arkansas so it makes sense that you needed a bridge date well here's the thing I wanted to just go across the southeast I know people in Nashville I was hoping to do Tennessee I see but I just didn't pursue that as soon as I found out I was moving also Where do you learn the term bridge date from stand-up lingo 101? I've never even heard that term before It's a date that bridges together two shows. I just kind of fired it off Revolutionary it's good, man. I like it and Joe you're actually so I got here. I got to Wilmington at 1130 p.m. on Thursday evening after a arduous 22-hour journey from the Middle East. Because I was in Cyprus, Joe.

You were in Cyprus. As you know, Cyprus is an island nation that is half dominated by the Turkish stronghold, you know, the bloodless Turks, as we call them over there. Yeah. Were you engaging in ethnic cleansing in Cyprus? No, but I did go to the DMZ. Got it. Yeah, because I was looking for some THC. Because you know me. I'm old Sam T.

Old Sam T. Getting that TLC three for three. What's going on out there? They just fire up a cannon from the old warship? So it's rather has been really weird. My TV's just been cutting out all afternoon. Really? Yeah.

I've been trying to watch that Natty G as I want to do. Oh yeah, you're wearing their sweatshirt right now. I'm a whore for National Geographic. What is that about? Among other things. Yeah. They're like zoo books for grownups. I love them.

They're like Animorphs in reverse. Exactly. You just flip through and look at the pictures. There's an elephant. There's a topless broad That's a life. That's a great life You get the topless broad on on the top of the elephant Oh, that's right, and then if you get the x-rated version you get the elephant on top of the top Let me finish the joke So I came from Cyprus man after I flew from Cyprus started the day with an hour and a

half cab ride at 4 a.m. to get to the Lamarca Airport where I was greeted by a bunch of gun-toting security guards oh yeah dogs so I was like I'm gonna throw away these two weed cartridges I have but for some reason I'm gonna let it ride on the one that has the least weed in it yeah Yeah, so any Grinner strat Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Well, I wanted to become a political prisoner. Oh, that's right. You wanted to join the WNBA It's the only way to let me in I also can't jump and I'm only good from four feet away Their athletes, okay, they're great. We got another pick available for you. Okay, do you want to get the great Curtis Samuel? or do you want Romeo Dobbs or

Pat Friar Muth Pat Friar Muth or Romeo Dobbs cuz that first guy who gives a shit. Yeah, you're right Romeo Dobbs you like Romeo Dobbs. I like Romeo Dobbs. I'm gonna have to call the video Vito on this Pittsburgh legend Pat Friar moot Because I need a second tight end for some reason cuz you're from Pittsburgh. You probably know the move Yeah, we go back. You probably see what the Steamworks. I probably see him at the bath house Yeah, what it's called Club Pittsburgh in Pittsburgh. I'm sorry. No, you're fine It's the Steamworks in Chicago and I think like Toronto. It's funny that like there's like cool fun names for all these

Dens of decadence that you attend. There's the Steamworks There's the NYC Eagle and then it's just the Pittsburgh bathhouse is what you guys call it's called Club Pittsburgh Pittsburgh like a jazzercise studio. Oh my god, how many like 55 year old fat yinzers what is going on out there? I think Armageddon, I think judgment has come and that you've been deemed unworthy of the Lord to ascend into the kingdom. I obviously have an excuse, but you just are a bad person. You hear that, right? Yeah. I feel like I'm back in Cyprus looking east.

If you know what I mean. Oh, yeah Seeing that kerfuffle That whoopsie that international oh I'm sure they'll figure it out. I'm sure because they've been pretty good at doing that. Yeah Do I want a defense or I want a kicker in my last pick? What do you think Joe defense defense defense? But I have the opportunity to book young the whole Ku. I'm gonna go with the Ku man. No I'm actually gonna take the Ku man. The Ku man, yes. I'm gonna take the line now. I'm not gonna fucking, I'm taking Ku. Alright that's the end of my draft everyone. Okay

great pod. Hey it's been good. So yeah I was in over there in Cyprus we're 300 miles away from from what's going on From the happenings. I have a budding career in show business So I can't really tell what's I can't say what's going on over there. You can't say anything You can give a label to it if you want Joe you're tapping out. Well, I feel Joe's so I come home. I fly to London at five and a half hour flight to London and then I flew to Miami. Miami. Miami.

I, and then I flew from Miami to Wilmington. I get to Wilmington and I haven't been in America for five weeks and I get in the old Uber driving car and they take me down and stay, we're staying on the waterfront here in blue beautiful, Wilmington So I was like great North Carolina North Carolina the east side of the country. It's the old side of the country I'm not gonna just get put back into Tulsa or you know Kansas City, I'm gonna see like something with age and a little bit of moss on it. Yeah, it's something that stolen people built Yeah, exactly. Yes And something, yeah, something that was built with a lot of suffering behind it.

The only history we have in this country is a history of hardship and the exploiters. But but no, instead of being on like some kind of like, you know, cool waterfront where there's like a taffy factory and like a candy apple factory. No, there's just a Ruth Chris steakhouse overlooking an abandoned waterfront where there's like a taffy factory and like a candy apple factory no there's just a Ruth Chris steakhouse overlooking an abandoned waterfront because people aren't allowed to walk on the riverfront because I'm assuming they keep it drowning trying to save their reflections there's just signage that says you are not in the water you are dry Pat your body down for moisture. No, that's just sweat. Oh thank God And that was it for me I'm not saying Americans are stupid I'm just saying that our country is ugly and disgusting. Oh god, if I could make billboards illegal I would they suck

is ugly and disgusting. Oh god, if I could make billboards illegal, I would. They suck. Yeah, and well, so you pointed out the billboards because I was so just, I mean, you, you can't, I, you, you arrived yesterday at noon. You were my shining night. We rented a car. As always. Airport. You picked me up. You rescued me from here. Nathan was like, who cares? I was like, Sam, you're my, you're my everything. Yeah, no. I mean, look, when LUN canceled, I was like Sam you're my you're my everything yeah, no I mean look when one cancelled. I was like who cares Joking feature you were fucking great last night. You were so funny. I had so much fun last night on stage Because you know such a great fucking table. You know you're silly up there There's a little bit of nasty a little bit nasty Yeah, that lady last night you have that joke about magic the gathering that literally no one understands

But me and you know a man that's going as a cane. He doesn't need Panther at the end of it His aunt made it to stay sober, but yeah, she's something about how she plays magic and you're like yeah, right bitch I saw the dude he was sitting next to like a Yeah. Well, here's the thing. I saw the dude he was sitting next to, like a Rasputin, as you call it. Yeah. And it's like, is that your choice or was that him?

Yeah. Are you just terrified of being alone? Yeah. Like what happened to you in your childhood that you got to be with fucking man mountain puck over here? You know? And play magic. And play magic with him.

Just desperately keep him from leaving. Yeah. I don't know. Sometimes chicks like stuff. Sometimes chicks aren't lying So the chicks aren't lying, but as you know, most of the time. Yeah, no one no one dislikes straight women more than almost Because we're allowed to We're just allowed to say Be mean and make them flinch

allowed to say it. You guys can be mean and make them flinch. Anyway, you pick me up and we went to the beach and the whole drive there you point out how you hate billboards and I'm like, oh yeah. And then literally everywhere you look on the highway out to the fucking to the beach is just dollar stores and fucking Zaxby's and Bojangles. They're never for anything good They're always for like cheesy fly-by-night lawyers and casinos and pornography super stores Yeah fireworks outlets and then there's like the anti billboards that are like very Christian and outspoken and evangelical Yeah Hello does a life. Yeah, exactly. You're going to hell and here's why. But yeah, we went to the beach, dude, and we hosed each other down.

That was more enjoyable for one of us more than the other one. Yeah, you loved it. I did. Well, I liked it when I was rubbing the sunscreen on your back and your tongue was literally hanging out of your head. Yeah, like a cartoon wolf. Am I lying about this? Yeah, my eyes also extended in little hearts. No, no, you can try and make it hyperbolic, but your tongue was dangling out the side of... Yeah. I was trying to stay cool like a dog.

I'm pissed we didn't go to the beach today because of my various fantasy drafts. Oh, the weather's nasty. Is it raining? We would have gotten rained out. Yeah, like I said my TV keeps cutting down upstairs I haven't been outside since like one You're not missing much. I took a lap And it's everything you remember. Yeah, I went to the farmers market You remember last night when you were like, I'll be up. Don't worry. Everything will be fine I'll be like I had like five years. I didn't see you have these five beers, by the way I saw you have you split a third of a can of beer. It was a big-ass can. It was like a growler. It was a cow, a crowler. Crowler? Yeah, it's what they call a canned growler I believe. Checks out. Thank you. Because can starts with C. You're figuring it out Joe. But yeah, so anyway you said you were

hungover so you woke up at what? I woke up at like eight. Went into the bathroom, hung out at the bottom of my shower for an hour. There's a lot of kids on my floor. Really? You hung out in the shower for an hour? Yeah. Shower. You were wrecked with alcohol? I was like, I shouldn't say like an hour, but like, yeah, I don't drink that often. Wow. So you were just trying to fit in last night? Last night. It was a fun evening. I went well on stage. I was feeling a little crazy. Yang Ling's tasty. The green room was a bit of a salon by well on stage. I was feeling a little crazy. Yangling's tasty The green room was a bit of a salon by the end of it

Ohhhh we were, we were gabbing Oh yeah There were a couple bitches in there and then you soaking it all in They were letting it flap dude I never get to hang out and gossip with the girls or catty homosexuals So when I'm given that license I fucking soak it up like like white bread and gravy oh It's tasty. So here about all the people all the shitheads who come through yeah Like I don't even know who they're talking about, but I'm like dish bitch

I have a feminine energy sometimes. I let it come out of me. Yeah, most people do buddy I know, but it's really fun to embrace it sometimes, you know God, it's the best god. It's it is cuz like I went to the farmers market this morning Oh, I got some some canned pears over there and I got some Pickled green beans. Yes, sir. The canned pears are insane dude. They're off the ladies tree. Mrs. Moses Mrs. Moses. Oh All right. So what position? Oh, all right. So what position? Yeah, that's what Harriet Tubman called herself Moses. Yeah, that's the chubby be history fact of the day when Harriet Tubman got her groove back

She was good, but she's all right She got him out Tubman's a funny name tub man is great, especially because it's so close to tub girl Well, if I was like a black comic, I'd probably go by tub man tub man Harry got tub man But yeah, the peach is their peaches are pears and they're so good and the liquid is is delicious candy water The green beans have snap to them, but there's a cinnamon stick in there for some reason. Is that God bellowing at us to knock it off? Yeah, he's saying like, this pod sucks, get Nathan. This is good. Two people actively engaged in the thing they're doing?

No way! What's next? It's not me just like over here being like My name is Larry burpin Like some character and ones like oh great Yeah, be trying so hard to make one laugh and him stonewalling me much like the right they gave you guys pride Deadpool versus Wolverine at 430 I Haven't seen that movie out of you. No what I haven't I told you I hated the fall guy Ryan Reynolds took a fat dump Last time I went to the movie theater, dude So wait is fall guy the one about the it's the Australian TV series that was turned into a movie

Oh my god, that was so bad. It couldn't make up its mind of what what it wanted to be But there was my friend the big red guy. Yeah, he's been night. He's a guy who beats the shit out of Ryan Reynolds Yeah, he's a he's a very competent. He's a very funny Comedian he's a stand-up and a competent actor and like a school teacher in Australia But I think they blew the budget out so bad on the two leads in that and then all the huge explosions and stunts They had to like, you know, it must have been produced during the writers strike yeah like 100% and made in Australia where they have no unions yeah except for between their ancient ancestors and the moon yeah and the in their indigenous

tribes they love the moon the Tasmanians well so you can't say the one that starts with an a you can't I think that's like now denoted as a slur really yes You better go delete some old tweets When you had that history of Australia project when you were in eighth grade five years ago What's happening? I had a history project about India and I said way worse stuff now And I said way worse stuff now

India is interesting to me. I just watched an Instagram reel about a guy in India searching down Mountain Dew for the first time so he like rides his bicycle like 30 kilometers into town and goes to like every shop in town and everyone's like you know We don't have the Mountain Dew. There is no Mountain Dew. But then he finally goes to like a fucking like Walmart in India and he finds a Mountain Dew. And then he takes it home on his bicycle and he puts it in the refrigerator overnight. And then the next morning he gets dressed in a suit and tie. And he goes outside and he cracks it and he slurps it and you see his eyes just go pinpoints. As he's finally like achieved what what his is direct did the do he did the fucking do for the first time man

And then he does like a heel click. It's really great Coke and Pepsi like poison that country for 20 years Right the Nestle corporation. I think had a hand in it. Yeah, they took all the groundwater. They try to petition Congress to maximize the amount of permissible pesticides and then there's go ahead uh We're you googling to back this up. You took your phone. I was googling. There's a great movie There's a great Bollywood movie about an alien and a boy with what's it called the water is sweet It's like via more Gaia or or something. Jesus. And it's every other shot. There's like a Pepsi can with the logo facing out because they poured a bunch of

money into Bollywood to sort of get good PR after it was revealed what they were doing. Whoa. It's like how the chimpanzee council made Monkey Man. Yes. Because they kept tearing off faces. That's right. So we need to be monkey representation We need to make the monkey a hero again And they gave Dave Dev Patel all that money to make his masterpiece. Have you seen monkey man? I have seen monkey man. I watched it with a bunch of comics. You did you saw it in a group setting

I saw in a group setting up in my room. Oh my god. That's fun, dude That's what movies are meant for. Oh, we watched the Holdovers and Monkey Man. What a great night. Holdovers was fine. I just couldn't find what, I like Paul Giamatti a lot. His performance was great. I just find myself like not being able to care about the characters, but. He didn't care at all. We were in and out.

We were comics. Oh, so you were riffing. We were riffing. We were deep. We were like, his dad's crazy. Shannon Norman's giving a haircut in the corner. Chuckie Tubes. Yeah, Alex DePula is just sitting there burning his hand with a lighter. Do you ever feel

like we're asleep and dying is the only way to wake up? Yeah, I saw Monkey Man on the flight from London to Miami. That's a good plane movie. It was such a good plane movie dude and I'll say this I Watched I watched monkey man, and I tried to watch Barbie bro Barbie is not it's um it's It's a movie for teenage girls Yeah, it's a movie for children and a bunch of these I'm with her types Fucking have to pretend. It's the greatest gift to send the fact that it's even compared to Oppenheimer, like what? Well, here's the thing. Killing that a lot of people, they came out.

Is this in your algorithm? This isn't my algorithm. It was a big thing. It was Barbie. Hi, which was fun. Two movies came out with like a big tonal clash, but I mean, I forgot you're the only subscriber to hipster runoff still. Remember hipster runoff? No, I don't.

Oh my God. It was like made like American Apparel look really cool. Anyway, I'm really glad to, I'm sorry. I brought up Hipster Runoff. No, no, no. You're fine. I forgot you're a child. I lived through the culture wars of the late 1990s, early 2000s. That's right. Oh yeah. I had a gray v-neck. You had a gray v-neck Uh-huh. You spoke about your GLCC at your high school. I did I tried to I wore a bandana God, I wore so many bandanas when I was in when I was 19. I had

Pigtails I went to I went to my Willie Nelson style. I was full Willie Nelson. I looked more like I was like a roadie for the band. You know? Yeah. You know the band, the band, the band, LaVon Helm? No. What's going on with you? I'm 27. You're so smart,

but you missed out on so much. What the fuck? I don't think it's unrelated. They backed up Bob Dylan. They backed up Bob Dylan? Yes, the singer songwriter of Jewish faith. God, what's his, you mean, what's his original name? Something Zimmerman?

Yes. Yes, I like pseudonyms. Yes, Zimmerman. Zimmerman is his original name. And then he shot that kid in Florida. Yeah, that's right. It's all connected. He said, what are you doing kid? You don't belong here. He's got a gun. Oh it's a hoagie, but too late. Bang bang. Bang bang. Hey brother, are you tiptoeing out the Coliseum? Hey! No, but I'm glad to hear you say that Barbie is bad because, you know, I have a lot of

dialogues with powerful women in my life. It's like my main thing is like becoming strong through their strength. And every one of them I've talked to and the men who are trying to have sex with them have told me that the Barbie movie is a transcendent work of postmodern art It's such it sucks I made it 20 minutes, and I made it to Kate McKinnon's character, and I was like Kate McKinnon's cool This will be fun, and then no she's just like her whole thing is that she's like that She's the Barbie that's been like left in the sand, so she's like doing the splits all the time. Yeah, just

She couldn't save it, and I said that's enough. I think it was a great movie for kids. But yeah, it was just like an hour and a half toy commercial with a baby's first feminism thrown in there. Oh my God. I need to hang out with more gay guys in hotel rooms. You know? I said the same thing yesterday. It was funny, me and you showing up to the beach because I'm wearing like my pride pirates hat and they're like, that must be a weird scenario. Hotel room must smell crazy. I don't think they assumed we were in a hotel room. Yeah. It's banging and abandoned cars. We rented a rider truck to roll around and fuck Yeah, no I I just remember that we turn some heads man cuz it's like either were

Because it doesn't make sense that you and I would just be like two dudes hanging out The difference in stature right? Yeah, I just I look old you look young and swinging It's like what are they doing together is the little one the big ones nurse is that what he's doing the little one is Recording him for science did the little one adopt the big one for like one Yeah, I don't know maybe because I forgot about your pride hat Maybe they did think that we were we were plugging away at each other dude. They've been crazier scenarios. Oh for sure for sure no I know That's most of hanging out with you is me asking you questions about your, you know, the very, very like questions you really shouldn't ask anyone. Oh, I'm an open book, baby. Well, I know. You've made yourself available to our questions and you've told us a lot about your decadent and depraved

lifestyle. Yeah. But it's a lot of me just like me just asking you, what did you do with the guys? And then you'll tell me, and I'm like, oh, gross. Where did you put it? Yuck. Get real. No way. You know poop comes out of that, right? It's fun, though, that you, because what I'm saying

is that I come back to America after I think the best trip I've ever been on and we did the we did the shoot in Rome, we did the wide world shoot and like we were doing so much great shit, we had the two camera guys, Lund's on fire, our wives and girlfriends are there, like it was just such this like beautiful trip and then me and Emily relaxed for a week in the Mediterranean, just beautiful water. I ate fucking squid every day. The best olive oil I've ever had. These insane little cakes that are made with like day-old cheese. God that rules. It was great man. Fresh squeezed orange juice every morning. Big pots of coffee. Just like a 90% fat diet. Oh, yeah. God. And then homemade bread every day. Yes. Dude, the euros. I had there are not euros. They're pork It was like it was like what's the Mexican delicacy carnitas? It was like they would serve you carnitas whenever you wanted it

You literally had an old-timey like you had a carnita boy. Yeah, I had a carnita boy She carnita I had a carnita girl. She was Filipino. Her name was Shen Ha gross The Shen Ha would pop up every now and then And be like any more meat sir friend of the pod Shen Ha We got to hook her up with Seiji from the Tokyo Club in Japan. They'd be a great couple We got a hook her up with your kicker Who gets the green card in that scenario? They both share it. I hope that they gave Young-Ho Koo citizenship in the great state of Georgia.

Well that's the thing, he had to make a 70 yard field goal as part of his citizenship test. That's what we should include in an athletics portion to the citizenship test. Where it's like if you can do the 40 in under five seconds, get in. Of course, you're in 100%. That's the future that Republicans fear. Just the fastest guys from all over the world. It would severely limit the Latino population, I think, though.

I think it might get Eastern Europeans Eastern Europeans but I think that we would we would have a mass exodus of people from the Caribbean and mother Africa mm-hmm you know we'd have a lot of people coming in which is great because I love Caribbean food I love oxtail I love curry goats you know it's never something that I've dived too much into Caribbean yeah you've never had Jama, it's never something that I've dived too much into. Caribbean food. Yeah, you've never had Jamaican food, you told me yesterday.

I've had various like, I've had like, well, the only Jamaican food I've had is there's like this nice food court. Or at least it was when I was in Harrisburg, I did a show in Philadelphia coming back. There was like a three hour Greyhound layover in Harrisburg. I had some red beans and rice, fried plantains god fried plantains are good And then just like this we were eating so much fruit in Cyprus because they had the full buffet in the morning

And I'd wake up and I don't I don't know I When you have a buffet one day of your stay you're like, okay, I'm loading up on bacon. I'm getting the omelet bar I'm gonna avoid any of this fruit who cares about fruit. We were there for seven days. I was fucking eaten like four slices of watermelon insane cantaloupe Dragon fruit. I was ripping through dragon. How is dragon fruit? Oh, it's exciting It's purple. It's like very like lurid and visceral It looks like a looks like a woman's vagina Central Central America is indigenous too. It is and also in Cyprus they can grow bananas because it's in like it's in the Middle East effectively so like they're on that weird strip where you can grow bananas. The bananas were great but then we get to America

man and I'm just like bummed. I was just disgusted by everything I saw here in Wilmington which is a lovely place I'm sure if you haven't been to bruise I mean even it sounds like it sounds like the gods are bowling outside of our window We didn't there's none of this weather over where I was at. There's no rain in Europe. No ever There's no rain. I got snowed into Munich once during the winter last year I was staying with a guy and Martling a little noise. Yep. It's for lovers. It's for lovers. Beautiful German lovers

How well did you know this guy? Since college. Okay, so he wasn't just some guy you met it wasn't just some dude at a bus stop Yeah, some guy like come to Munich wasn't just some dude. At a bus stop. Yeah. Some guy. It was like, come to Munich, pretty boy. How did you describe flirting before Grindr last night? Oh, yeah. It was Shannon Norman lighting someone else's cigarette, the original Grindr. It's coming up, getting close.

So that was Shannon's bit that you did last night? That was Shannon's bit. But last night when we were in the room full of people you didn't mention that was someone else's bit No, I didn't. Oh, it was my culture. So I feel like I can take oh, you're right. Yeah, he's actually the tourists He's the tourists. Yeah, that's the tea sis Shannon Norman friend of the pod. I've been saying that's not it sis to my wife and she really thinks it's funny Yeah, she was like, how did you that's not we sis to my wife and she really thinks it's funny. That's not it sis, let her cook! Yeah she was like, how did you... that's not... we don't say that anymore and I was like I'm a straight white guy who's almost 40 it just got to us. Yeah exactly! Like if it's 20 years old it's on the table.

It's breaking news to me, I mean, and I'm gonna fucking roll around it in a little bit. I would love to see you with acrylic nails. Well so that's the thing is I chew my nails so like I could never do anything and roll around it in a little bit. I would love to see you with acrylic nails. Well, so that's the thing is I chew my nails. So like I could never do anything to my nails ever. I'm like nubbed down. It's my worst thing that I do to myself now that I've tried to get healthier is I still chew my nails.

And I'll chew them and I'll be like, oh, that one didn't even count. Like, what's the point of that? I'm just doing this out of some kind of like, you know. Oh, have you ever seen people who like chew it down to the nubs? Oh I mean how how nub are you talking? Look what I got going on. Look at what you got going on. That's fine. I've seen people who just like have the cuticle and that's it. Really? Yeah. You can go even deeper than this? You can go people like some people just chew

until there's nothing left. I don't like the guy who chews on the corner of his thumb. You want to check out some real gnarly? I got that blister. What the hell? Yeah I nothing left. I don't like the guy who chews on the corner of his thumb. You want to check out some real gnarly? I got that blister. What the hell? Yeah, I burned myself. I was so excited for cornbread. I forgot ovens were hot. Excellent. OK.

I was like, cornbread. That's fun. Can't have ribs without it uh shit oh do we need to do an ad read on this vamp joe vamp vamp vamp vamp god oh we're in Wilmington it's a beautiful place hey Becker do we have an ad read on this one I'm doing right now Wilmington is one of those places where I could just see disappearing too. That's what you said. I always said that about Pensacola or Chattanooga. If I like hit a kid with my car I just keep driving all the way. And now you're Tommy Two Tones at the local farmers market. You grow cucumbers. Well there was a guy, I had actually two being recognized today at the farmers market which is exciting. Oh that's market. You grow cucumbers. Well, there was a guy, I had actually two being

recognized today at the farmers market, which is exciting. Oh, that's right. Another guy recognized you when we were getting sushi yesterday. Yes, he did. And that guy, so all three of the guys actually didn't say, hey, you're Sam Tallent. All three of them here in North Carolina said, so you doing a show tonight? Like, no, they didn't like put it on me. Like, your same town wouldn't bother you. It was just more like, say now, drifter. So you made your way through town.

Yeah, what's the haps on the craps, paps? But there was a mushroom guy. This guy, Cory, who grows all the mushrooms in town. Sweet. And he's bringing a little care package tonight. I said I had no use for it, but I figured. Are they like mushrooms? Are they?

No, he's baking a cake, stupid. Yeah, no. I mean like, I like oyster mushrooms, but. Okay, well you think he's bringing some lions, man. Oh, that rocks. What a great name for a mushroom. What a great name for, I didn't know if you were talking about something more illicit. Well, I was, yes.

He's bringing some drugs tonight, John. We're allowed to say drugs on the pod. This is a fucking satirical podcast. Everything we said on this podcast is all jokes. There's no actual intent behind it. I'm not even gay. Yeah, you're dead. Your dad just had a heart attack somewhere.

Okay so, speaking of heart attacks, Joe, yes. If you are so big and fat that you're at risk of a heart attack, people might call you Chubby. And that makes me think of our sponsor this week, Chubbies. Chubbies elastic shorts. When you find shorts that look good and feel good, you know you've hit the jackpot. You know what I'm talking about, Juicy Joe? Oh, hell yeah.

I've gotten to a few Chubbies in my lifetime. Oh, I bet you have. And they were not wearing the lining. No. They had no built-in liner there. It was crazy. Chubbies has it all. From super stretchy shorts and swim trunks to pants, polos and buttoned

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Well, so do these they're made with the stretchiest fabric plus an elastic waistband for maximum flexibility. Joe, I gotta tell you right now, Chubby shorts are fucking gas, bro. We still say gas? Yes. Well, I do because I'm God, I'm not with it. You're doing great. They're on fleek is what I would say. Got it. Yeah, they're fire flames Is that one we have? It's one that we had in 2015. If you were quote unquote reading someone and you had to say nice stuff about their shorts. They're saying nice stuff about their shorts. Yeah. How would you describe cool shorts? Cool shorts. How I would say, oh, nice dumpers, cake man. What is the thing

that people say? Just think of that interview with Kyle Massey saying double caked up on a Thursday afternoon I wear the double XL 5-inch short and these ones are my fucking favorite, dude I wore these like every day when I was in Europe as you guys know listeners of the pod just streak to hell Hell those don't have the built-in liner, so I had to wear undies. My wife said I had to wear undies. Okay. God, I hate wearing undies. These are built-in.

Look at that. Uh-huh. How do you hate wearing undies? They're the best part. They're the best pair to the pants experience. No, dude. I like to be fucking chafed and sore by the end of the day. Because think about it, if you're a premature ejaculator, the easiest way to get over that,

start wearing denim pants, starch them down, get rid of the undies, you're gonna be... Yeah, start sanding yourself down until you're smooth. Yeah, yeah, your fucking nub is gonna be completely shorn of all nerve tenderness. Yeah. And you know, now that you know that they sell kits to regrow your foreskin...

Do they? They sell little clamps and cones that you can put on your peen to regrow your foreskin. Do they? They sell little clamps and cones that you can put on your peen to regrow your foreskin. I don't think the Chubby sells those. I don't think the Chubby sells those. I don't say that I'm a premature ejaculator. I say I'm an ally.

Got it. Because you shouldn't have to be subjected. That's the plus in LGBT plus is premature ejaculators. A lot of people are like throwing themselves in there now. Yeah, I'm trying to end the patriarchally as quick as possible. So yeah, you get three from me, bitch. Whoops.

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Dude gets yourself some fucking shorts. They rule Yeah, we can both fit into the same pair and pretend. We're a centaur That would be really funny. You know what else is fun. What gambling on sports? Oh, baby gambling is a lucrative and Intelligent hobby. Yeah for fun loving guys, right? I mean you're gambling all the time out there Oh 100% you're rolling the dice every time Condom who condom nation condom We know you love your alma mater. You where'd you go Penn State? Oh

You were the canary in the coal mine You put a lot of bad ideas in those coaches We know you love your alma mater. Show your support by betting on your team this fall season. How did Penn State WVU go? That was a big game today. Well, it's just like if you could only bet on your alma mater and you went to like Eastern Carolina.

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get in if you can on Broncos over five and a half wins this season, all right? Sean Payton set up an amazing game plan where we're gonna ground and pound the goddamn ball. We got a great offensive line. We got four tight ends. We got a fullback. We got two bruising power backs. So Bo Nicks can't put himself in a position to blow it, right Joe? Oh absolutely not. I would like to put myself in a position to blow myself. You ever think about that? I think about it a lot.

Me blowing myself? Yeah, I think about it a lot. Football's here, I'm doing drafts every day, cheers to a great football season with my bookie, god damn it. I love gambling, Joe. Oh, it's the best. It's really, god. My least favorite part of gambling is when my dad adds up all of my quote unquote wins

at the end of the season and tells me hey buddy is everything okay I shouldn't have said that in the ad read there's no need to download an app just clink the link in the show notes sign up and you're ready to bet lock your futures in now while you're waiting for the season to begin and use promo code chubby to claim a bonus up to $1,000 on your first bet. That's just free money. 1K? 1K for free? A grand? A fucking rack?

A rack of free Chetti? Where am I? The boars meat outlet after the Listeria outbreak? You are one parlay away from never working again. It's 100% true. Joe is not being facetious. All you need is to put in one parlay with plus, you know, 17 million odds and you're good to go ten bucks you're good to go yeah now you're buying teams now you own it you can bet on a

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C-H-U-B-B-Y. Awesome. So Joe is checking what's going on outside. I haven't figured out how to open up that curtain. So what that says about my intellectual abilities and intellectual curiosity is quite the indictment. So you think, well, I did that too. I gave it the old fold and scroll kid genius. Yeah. It's gray out there. It's rainy and gray. It's rainy. It's gray. There's a big old battleship.

Yeah, that battleship. So that was another thing that I saw as soon as, I woke up at like 5 a.m. Friday morning. I got like four hours of sleep. I woke up, I'm pissed, I'm fucking delusional. Not delusional, is that the term? Delusional, disillusioned maybe? Disillusioned, yeah.

I'm not delusional, am I? I'm gonna make it, right, Joe? Yeah, we're all gonna make it. Everything's okay. We're gonna live in a hot tub together. God, we're gonna live in a hot tub. With Ryan Reynolds and Chris Rock. Hot air balloon.

Woo! With a hot tub in it with Chris Rock and Ryan Reynolds. Chris Rock and Ryan Reynolds and our hot tub hot air balloon. Chris Rock would be like. It would also be a time machine like that movie. My ass, hot air balloon hot tub time machine. Blue time time machine. We get the kid from the office.

My Latino uncle, Patricio, I remember talking to him at Chris's time and he was talking about how there's no funny movies anymore and I was like, oh yeah, what are your favorite comedies? And he's like, favorite comedies? My favorite movie of all time is Hot Tub Time Machine. He's like 78 years old. Yeah, there aren't enough funny movies anymore, but we can change that. Well, I brought this whole thing up is because Joe here, I'm very, very jealous of sweet Joseph because he is moving out of the country to Luxembourg.

Yes, sir. I am a Luxembourg national. name ash was upon approved list of surnames to repatriate the country a couple years ago Really and we pulled the pin so wait ash you just having the last name ash ash. Yeah Yeah, because you're an alarm so it like it indicates that my dissension from Luxembourg is patrilineal, meaning that it was a man every time, which helps you out a lot in Europe. So Luxembourg's still just for the fellas. Just for the boys, just like Joe Ash. No chicks allowed. You know, the only thing that really gives you a way for being a homosexual on stage,

because, you know, anyone can be catty, I can be catty. But last night when you said, I'm on social media and following really does help? Lun was like, don't do it. Stay here, build a life with me. Mm-hmm, that's what you heard. That's what I heard. But not old Sam T, I told you to fucking spread those goofy wings and fly.

You were like, why would you not do this? What's waiting for you here? You have nothing, your life is small and empty. You're banned from the trough Exactly, you're not allowed. I've told you this multiple times like You're not allowed to get in the trough anymore enough dudes. I've just torn it off the wall He created a plumbing catastrophe that there's a lot of sign is it's like please don't get in the trough if you get in the trough We'll call someone and kick you out Like just just get peed on outside.

Just get peed on anywhere else. Well, doesn't that just entice the perv who's into public humiliation more? But he's like, oh, if I get pissed on, I get kicked at and yelled at. OK, OK. I'll be in the trough, boys. Why don't you can you? I don't know if our listeners know about the trough. So in a lot of gay bars have like a large... Have you ever been to a baseball game?

Yeah, or a rodeo. Or a rodeo. You know, the pisser is just like one long urinal. It's like a big bathtub. And some men, some gentlemen who are very acclimated. Pleasure seekers. Pleasure seekers who like the sulfurous, tasty good time of a golden shower will roll around like little piggies in the truck

And as a function of their lifestyle and diet sometimes they tear it out of the fucking wall So there's big fat guys in the truck. Oh, yeah, what are you percent all kinds brother? Different folks different strokes. I always the same. It was like the Monopoly man in the truck. Oh, it is like Six-flax guy in there Yeah, I always thought that I never thought there'd be a big fat guy who would like to get pissed on I don't know why So there's like one of the NYC Eagle, there's one at the Bike Stop. The Bike Stop. The Bike Stop is the one in Philadelphia.

I don't know if it's still around. That's where all the creeps and the crawlers go. The Bike Stop. The Bike Stop. Ding ding boys. Ding ding what's in my basket? Penis and testicle. Uh fuck man.

Okay so there's big fat guys in the trough and they rock the trough so much that it rips it out of the wall. It rips it out of the wall so we can't have nice things anymore. Well that makes total sense that a bunch of guys get together to rough house. Of course the bathroom They're gonna get the bathroom is gonna get rocked. All right, most of these Are most of these bath house just completely destroyed because it's guys in there. They do not smell awesome I think they just hose it down with bleach at the end of every night. I Say a lot of stuff is made of rubber a lot of stuff is

native rubber but like the jacuzzi is just soup it's just a fucking it's a lava lamp in there brother no get off you guys there are people who will come up and be like hey get a little too rowdy in the hot tub We don't want to bust in here because it just stays in the vents. It just stays and circulates So there's like a there's like a scold going there is like a guy that's like hey, don't do that That's a guy's job. That's the guy's job. There's basically And like the turnover is so high. It seems like a different person every time but oh, yeah I mean the horrors these people must see

Just walking around in there. You must be living a pretty transient lifestyle. The only place you can work is the Pittsburgh bathtub Drifters they just got oh you better believe it. So what is what's my job in here, man? Well, you have to detangle rat kings Hose down the walls various fluids It's not a good scene anymore man, I don't know here's the thing I don't know if the pandemic or I'm just getting older, it's been a minute and I'm fine with that. When you're just like a young standup traveling around

and like you're literally sleeping with people just for like the chance to stay inside, it's really nice to have like a blowie and a rubber mat to fall back on, but I can't do that anymore. Can you crash there? Oh yeah, the fucking once in Grand Rapids for like Gilda's Laugh Fest, I thought like the Greyhound isn't

open all night in Grand Rapids, so my plan to like go to bars until they closed it too and just get drunk enough that I wouldn't mind sleeping on a bench at the Greyhound station and then you get down there and it's closed, so I had to go to a place called the Ambassador's Club. Or was it the Diplomat? Something where it was definitely way diplomat something where it was definitely way too classy for what it was lipstick on that pig yeah or it's like no honey I'm not going to the bath house I'm going to practice diplomacy

men from all over the world we're gonna work on being polite I have to figure out this Azerbaijan situation I won't on being polite. I have to figure out this Azerbaijan situation. I won't be back until 4. I have to figure out how to navigate the Turkish invasion of Cyprus, honey. I'm going to be gone and I'm going to come home and I'm going to have to take a shower right away. So the entry, what made this place unique was it was just someone's house. It was a house that someone refitted with a jacuzzi and a bunch of rubber mats inside Whoa, so like you go into this guy's living room and they have like a little counter full of like poppers and toys Okay condoms. Yeah lubricant

They give you your key to the locker to the room. It's basically like stalls stalls essentially, okay, so kind of like a Japanese like casket hotel. Yeah, exactly. Okay, so gentlemen Okay, so kind of like a Japanese like casket hotel. Yeah, exactly. Okay, so gentlemen, uh I Intimately know each other in the hot tub. Yes finish I'm not gonna I don't know how much how many details your fans want I think that this is a fun situation For the that we have we have a lot of very open-minded listeners

And we have a lot of people who maybe don't get to have these kind of Conversations with young swinging deviants like yourself So if you want to be lured be lured, but don't don't fetishize your experience for the benefit of us Oh, no, no, you're fine. It's not like Looking back on it. I'm glad it was take a minute. How Great was my verbiage right there, huh? It, it was very- I nailed it. Very tasteful! I'm such an ally. I mean, I want to hear about you getting gaped out by some pig person for sure. But if you don't want to, that's not who you are. You're not defined by what you do with your rod.

Oh, no, no, no, no. It's part of it where it's like, Yeah, if I was allowed to have a normal puberty where I didn't hate myself, I'd probably have like normal sexual experiences in my early twenties. But But I didn't so I didn't. Because you chose to be a gay guy. Yeah because I chose this lifestyle. Because you put yourself on the cross. Yeah. St. Andrew's cross. Okay so you and a gentleman are in the hot tub. The hot tub. You have nowhere to go. You're just a. Road dog in Grand Rapids. Just Grand Rapids. I got to host a two o'clock brunch show the next day. Four hours. I got to catch an Amtrak into Chicago. The Amtrak was so much nicer than the bath house. The train

was so much nicer than the bath house. Oh God. I can't imagine the fucking 2 a.m. to 8 a.m. bath house in Grand Rapids that's in some guy's house. It was crazy. There was like a dartboard on the wall. There was like a man cave. Whoa. It very much was like an Elks Lodge where people were blowing each other. This is something that I'll never get to experience because I'm, you know, you can't go. No, I can't. You can't. You can walk in there as well. Shake everyone's hand. Shake everyone. Thank you for your service. Popping off in here. I heard you guys are some wacky shit. I just want to learn. I could, I could walk in and say, I'm here to watch and everyone be like, all right, share for you.

But then I got to watch a bunch of guys go crazy on each other's holes. The craziest nights were in Pittsburgh. The bath house had a co-ed night on Thursday. What? The big open mic was at Ham Bones on Thursday. So it would let out like 2 AM. If you didn't want to go home, you could check out the bathhouse.

But I'd always forget it was co-ed night. You go from Ham Bones to Bone Ham. Bone Ham. I saw like three dudes working on the same person. Was it a girl? One huge fat girl. Oh, wow. Bone hands. I saw like three dudes working on the same person. A girl. Huge fat girl. Oh, wow. Massive. Interesting. And she was just taking it from all angles. Wow. So do you think that- I was like you have everywhere else. This is our space. Quit colonizing our spaces. I'm pretty sure like- She was getting colonized. Yeah. Yeah, she had the Dutch and the Portuguese and the Italians coming out or she was like Pope had to divide her down the middle What is the so do you think these were gay guys who were just out for a bit of

No, they were straight pleasure seekers Wow There's swingers they just don't get to have that many well I don't know it's straight swingers are like They just seem gross to me. Oh, yeah for sure I think there's a more dignified if you're an old gay couple and you swing that's probably Anytime I mean like I was in San Francisco these two old dudes showed up and they had business cards They were dressed like we had like velvet suits on they're kind of dressed like they were in like a live action stage play of Clue, you know? There was like a Professor Plum and there was a Colonel Mustard and they'd been together for like 55 years and they

gave me their card and it said professional men about town. But one of them was like the head epidemiologist in Oakland during the AIDS crisis. So I told him about my wife being a doctor and like what she does, you know, with medically assisted treatment and gender affirming care And all that stuff and he was like, oh She's a saint

Yeah, I saw so much shit man And then he just told me all these horror stories about what it was like to be on the cutting edge of that Psy op That fucking the grids. Yeah, the grids do grids gay related immune deficiency syndrome. Yeah What a great name with that? Because AIDS sounds like you guys are trying to help us Have you seen that commercial for the AIDS chocolate There was a diet chocolate in the 70 called AIDS no, and there's a great infomercial where people are like, I love my AIDS That's fun, oh

Man, so yeah, I'll never know bathhouse culture if you've ever met Alex Bozanova out of Detroit He runs the independent. Yeah, he and his husband are swingers. I think his hold on is this public knowledge This is public. You're not telling me tails out of school the Alex is a good guy. Oh, no Alex is great He tells me about his regular visits the body works and nobody talk about it on stage. Yeah, okay Guess what you're about to get red Apparently his partner made a lot of his money on the IP TummyDad.com back when Tumblr was a thing. Really?

Yes. Wow. TummyDad. TummyDad.com. I would love to... So someone out there still owns Nathan Lunn's website. Whoever... Maybe the director of the Steamworks.

Whoever the person was that was redirecting it to the Westboro Baptist Church or to the Donald Trump campaign if you could please redirect it to Please do that let me know so next week when me and London on together we can surprise him with his new website redirect We can surprise him with his new website redirect Bet lungs a bit of a tummy day. Oh, dude. It would be like a one-to-one Fan it would be better than his actual website as far as fans go Be better than him. Just doing stand-up his SEO is like maximized He's the number one result for tummy day Yeah, he just fucking kills in province

It changes it It changes when you Google him instead of saying Nathan Lund and it pops up and says Nathan Lund comedian. It says Nathan Lund tummy dad. Oh man. Now you were telling me a fun story about an engagement you had with some kind of scorpion collector. There is a scorpion collector in New York. And he, and you brought him to such levels of Lust and pleasure that he collapsed on top of you he collapsed we were talking afterwards And he just collapsed into the wall passed out eyes open and you were like well. Let's see what's in his wallet Yeah, you rolled him. I rolled him. I let all the scorpions go. Hey you freed the scorpion

I was like run you're free now when did go. Yeah, you freed the scorpion. I was like, run, you're free now. When did you find out that he was a scorpion man? Uh, I noticed after the Throws of Passion, there's a bunch of fucking scorpions everywhere. And like, he kept at the exoskeletons and shit. And I thought they were just wall hangers, but the more you looked around, you realized like, no, some of these fucking things are alive. You gotta get it together, buddy. I fucking... You gotta rein it in a little bit dude is this a patreon I

don't want my dad having a heart attack we could patreon we did ad reads though oh fuck okay no we're good what do we do we have to rescind no we don't have to reset dad listen my friends and family like to listen to the podcast really just won't tell them about it what they my friends and family like to listen to the podcast. Really just won't tell them about it. What they like to listen. They like to listen to anything I'm on because they love me. We have. We're going to tag this. We're going to we're going to we're going to hire sky riders above Pittsburgh to say Joe S chubby behemoth number two fifty three. Yep. Oh shit. Well, you should have said that. No, I'm fine. Posted on the free one. Well,

No, I'm fine. Post it on the free one. Well, we did ad reads. That's the issue. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, no. Joe. We're all going to be in trouble. We're all in trouble. No. I think what we should do for this video as well, since we didn't record video, is on the YouTube. You should send a bunch of pictures of you

throughout the ages to Becker, and then he'll make a slideshow, and it'll look like an in memoriam to Joe. memoriam as I slowly become more disheveled well so here's the thing you actually lost a tremendous amount of weight you were a bit of a blob of Gortman for a minute there for a minute yeah I got doughy yeah and now you have like weird abs which is gross weird abs yeah your body so confusing oh well that's the thing back in January. I made the swap made the change I just stopped going to McDonald's every fucking day. Oh, you were eating like a child. I was eating like a child. Yeah

Yes, you were engaging and even more risky pleasure-seeking behavior. The mamba sauce was so good Oh it is but now you do you do, you like what? You bake a lot of shit. I love to bake sourdough. Yeah. You brought us those cookies, right? Yes, sir. Those were so good.

I got cookies. I made like that chicken salad sand though with the bread I made. Oh my God, and London eat it. And I was like, dude, this is the best chicken salad sandwich I've ever had. And he was like, shut up. Shut up. You're just trying to make me feel bad. Why don't you support me in my weight loss journey? Didn't eat it and I was like dude. This is the best chicken salad sandwich. I've ever had and he was like shut up

You're just trying to make me feel bad. Why don't you support me in my weight loss journey? I literally have glass in my fucking joints. It's called gout and I was like, I'm not dude This is the best chicken salad sandwich I've ever had there was dill on there fresh dill It was a game changer brother Joe if you weren't moving to Luxembourg I'd hire you to come over and make a garden in my backyard Oh, dude, you definitely should do it. It's going easier than you think we have a greenhouse I'd feel like such a fucking spy if I didn't utilize that greenhouse. Yeah, you're gonna have a blast It's just so rewarding. Okay, Joe Let's say you have a greenhouse that's about half the size you cut if you are like the Pope on that fat woman on Thursday nights In Pittsburgh, and I have to give the half of it to the Portuguese and half of it to the

Spanish. Exactly. The line of demarcation in this room. If you had that size of a greenhouse, what would be the things you would plant in there to have year round? To have year round. So let me tell you what I want. Tomatoes, dill, basil, mint. But I'm scared of mint because mint's gonna spread out throughout the whole thing. So mint, it's really like, it's aggressive. It's very aggressive. It's predatory too. I would recommend leaving mint in a large separate pot. Outside of the greenhouse.

You could put it inside of the greenhouse as long as it doesn't share soil with other things. Okay, so it's a separate pot. It's not going to like pollinate other plants like a wheat plant. Yeah, yeah. It's not going to like just sprout up other places if it's in a separate pot. Okay. I would not plant it in your greater herb garden. Also go for like spearmint or peppermint don't do apple mint. Apple mint sucks. I hate apple mint I know what I'm doing with mint. What else though? What else is in there? Squash is a really great cold weather crop. Squash.

Like winter squash is fantastic. It's a greenhouse. It's hot all the time in there, right? Well, yeah, but the light is the big key. What do you mean? As the winter approaches, daylight becomes more and more scarce. Ah-ha. Interesting. So the moon is a tricky bitch. The moon is a tricky bitch. Okay, so you're saying squash would be good.

Then I can have squash blossoms. I'll get the flowers, right? Squash? Yes, sir. Oh, squash flosser. I have a little squash at home. Well, I used to. I moved out and I left my garden. Oh, no. Yeah, they're just gonna kill that shit. Hehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe He's saying squash in there would be good. I can do tomatoes. Tomatoes. Any cultivar of Mediterranean cabbage, so like broccoli, brussels sprouts, cauliflower,

ooh, kale, all the same plant. Oh really? Yeah, wild Mediterranean cabbage is responsible for- It's a shapeshifter? It's, so basically- It's the third gender of monkey man? Yes, it is, it was a wild crop that grew in the Mediterranean. And if you like the way that the leaves taste,

you would purposely selectively breed it. So it would be leaf here. And that became kale. If you like the leaves bunched together and small, you would cultivate that. And that became Brussels sprouts. If you like the leaves bunched together and big, that became cabbage.

I want cabbage. I want those long cabbages, man. Oh, like Napa cabbage? Yeah, that's what I want. And you can shave them. And you can make pancakes out of them. Oh, I don't buy that. Oh, I want cabbage. I want those long cabbages man. Oh like napa cabbage Yeah, that's what I want and you can shave them and you can make pancakes out of them Oh, I don't buy that. Oh, I do it. It's so good. Really? Yeah, it's so good You can make like a tortilla out of fucking cabbage Then you can use many nachos as you want and not feel bad about it not feel bad because the chips is how they get you I never feel put that on my tombstone same town chips is how they get you

Joe what's it say on that recorder there? What time are we at? We are at 108 really? Yeah shit, man This cook does having so much fucking fun. You know what else is fun is seeing Sam talent live When you say it's it's the time of your life Joe nothing better Brother last night. I might have been the funniest comic alive I was fucking cook. Oh you're on fire up there. I was just riffing. I was sleep deprived. I was strange The last time you did stand-up was what on the 16th? Yeah, and it was in Well now it was in Italy for a bunch of people who barely spoke English and they were lovely people But I had to get up there and it was it was it was a knife fight in the mud

Oh, yeah, this is pin me payment Oh, no, I did well and I like tried and I did 45 minutes one bombed Horrifically, but he had heat stroke Pat did not have a good time because he did a bunch of jokes about Spencer's gifts and you know deeply American experiences Heat stroke is what I call wearing a Miami Jersey and jacking off Nice nice, you know, what else is nice? Dayton, Ohio. September 4th, Columbus, Ohio. September 5th, San Antonio, Texas. Second show added down there at the Blind Tiger Comedy Club.

Houston, Texas. Two shows at The Secret Group. Nine, seven. Austin, Texas. The 13th, 14th, 15th. I don't know if there's tickets left. It's Rogan's Comedy Club. I'll be home for High Plains. I'll be at Skankfest. Bridgeport, Connecticut, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania the big Diamond Comedy Festival I'm all over the goddamn road Joe tell them where they can find you. You're up. I have no dates planned so far

I'm just going there to figure it out. If you book a show in Luxembourg, let me know but I'll probably pop around Paris Berlin London wherever there's an English-speaking diaspora that wants to hear comedy Amsterdam Amsterdam four hours away you should learn Luxembourg ish I should not big market for that comedy you know you need to hook up with over there though legit Lee is that Rick Diaz guy from kill Tony hmm he's open for me in Amsterdam he books a bunch of shows in Belgium and the Netherlands and shit like that. Okay, I'll hook you guys up. Yeah

If you want to hook us up with a little bit of that sweet sweet scratch him go to patreon.com slash show me behemoth Join the patreon so much great shit over there Sorry that we've been a bit erratic these last couple weeks. I've been trying to live a little bit Don't worry. I'll be punishing myself with non-stop work for the rest of the year, everyone. I fucked off to Europe for five weeks. We shot a wide world. I know I'm justifying my behavior, but don't worry, guys. I won't be spending any time in that new home that I bought for the next four months. So, pin me, pay me. I love you guys. Thanks for listening.

Goodbye. Bye!