Citation Needed - Enrique of Malacca

Episode Date: February 21, 2018

Enrique of Malacca (Spanish: Enrique de Malaca; Portuguese: Henrique de Malaca), was a native of the Malay Archipelago who became a slave of the Portuguese explorer Ferdinand Magellan in the 16th century. Italianhistorian Antonio Pigafetta, who wrote the most comprehensive account of Magellan's voyage, named him "Henrique" (which was Hispanicised as Enrique in official Spanish documents). Pigafetta explicitly states that "Henrique" was a native of Sumatra. According to biographer-philosopher Stefan Zweig, he is the first person to circumnavigate the world.[1] His name appears as "Henrique",[2] which is Portuguese, and is probably the name given to him at his christening, as he was baptised a Roman Catholic by his Portuguese captors. His name appears only in Pigafetta's account, in Magellan's Last Will, and in official documents at the Casa de Contratación de las Indias of the Magellan expedition to the Philippines. Our theme song was written and performed by Anna Bosnick. If you’d like to support the show on a per episode basis, you can find our Patreon page here.  Be sure to check our website for more details.

Yeah, I just I kept feeling like I was gonna miss him, but then I just I Just never did yeah, yeah, no me neither me neither me neither and Marissa killed it. Oh, yeah, right her notes her notes were so Legible so Legible it was delightful. Yeah, that that was nice. That was really nice. Here he comes here he comes Hey Eli That was really nice. Here he comes, here he comes. Hey. Hey Eli. We sure did miss you buddy. Yeah, we were just talking about something related to that.

Thank you guys, I missed you too. Oh, Jesus. Eli, what the hell happened to your teeth? My teeth? My teeth? They're fine. Okay, yeah, but all right, I should have spiced up my hair. But like, where are they then?

Where are your teeth? Oh, they're in a shoe box under my bed. Eli, why is your skin that color? Oh, okay, it's fine for no one to do it. But when I ask Kanye, the same thing, he pays three people to beat me up. This is what I'm talking about. Why not? Eli, Eli, Eli, focus, Eli, focus same thing. He pays three people to beat me up. This is what I'm talking about. Yeah, Eli, Eli, Eli, focus Eli, focus Eli.

What the hell happened to you? Oh, well, you know how I like to do some wacky thing related to the subject of each week's show. Doesn't gonna be good. Yeah. Well, this week, we're talking about a voyage by the sea that happens in the 1500s. So I thought, what better way to get in their heads than to give myself scurvy. Oh, for fuck's sake! How do you give yourself scurvy?

Oh, they have ladies in Indonesia that will give it to you for 30 bucks. Jesus, are you going gonna be okay. I Do not think so Okay, I'm fine with this Marissa's notes were super legible. Let's really let's go back So legible. It's really good. Yeah, we're pretty guy could read them all. Why don't you give her a call? Okay? Yeah, I've got our own speed and good and she's funnier than Eli. Yeah, much funnier. It's a lot just better. Oh. Yeah.

Hello and welcome to Scy Tation Needed, the podcast where we choose a subject, read a single article about it on Wikipedia and pretend we're experts because this is the internet, and that's how it works now. I'm Eli, and I'll be guiding this expedition tonight, but since nobody will let me drive, I can't do it alone. So joining me tonight are the before and after pictures of either a workout program or chemotherapy depending on who you look at first tom and noah i remember the best way to get motivated to look at yourself in the mirror and repeat after me what was worth was why are you so fucking worthless practice your motivation repeat this in the voice of the person you love the most. Yeah, or or if you just want to physique like mine

Just say that's other people instead To random strange neither of those things work Also joining us tonight are two men whose shower drains have enough hair to keep Luke Skywalker warm on Hoth heath and Cecil We'll go with a taunt on inside of me the other day That life is fun. Sorry A drain hair Wampa is like the nicest thing anyone has ever called me. So I'm going to celebrate that. Yeah.

Now, before we get started tonight, I wanted to take a minute to thank our patrons. Without you, we wouldn't have any money. Without money, we'd be gross. If you'd like to learn how to join their ranks, please be sure to stick around to the end of the show. And with that out of the way, tell us, Cecil, whatil What person place thing concept phenomenon or event will we be talking about today today? We're gonna be talking about Enrique of Melaka. Oh jelly fente and Noah You explored this one pretty thoroughly. Are you ready to set sail?

That I am Eli. So who is Enrique of Malala Malaka. But before I answer that, I want to ask you a quick question, Eli. Who was the first man to walk on the moon? Chuck Berry. Oh, okay. I actually want to ask Cecil. Never ask the right questions. Why did you go there at Eli?

Neil Armstrong. That's correct. And who is the first to reach the top of Mount Everest? Mr. Everest. Obviously. Tensing. No, it was Sir Edmund Hillary. It was probably Sir Edmund Hillary's Sherpas though. I was going to that's why I said that is that is the Sherpas name. I didn't know. Yeah. I don't know they gave him names. Yeah. I mean, really what's the point? All right, well, you're ready for this whole essay, Tom.

You are prepared for this one. To be the Sherpa because my next question was, who was the first person to circumnavigate the globe? The globe's rabbi. See so big set of scissors, though, and Rikaev Malaka. Oh, okay, right. Yeah, but you read the essay. The point is supposed to be that despite that being the kind of thing that would generally

make a household name out of you, by and large, nobody knows who in Rikaev Malaka was. It's true. I didn't know before I read the essay. I'd never actually heard of them. And there are are few good theories as to why he's not the household name that arms stronger hillary are uh... one is that he's brown wait we we don't need a second reason that that's that's no no no we don't yet we have we have bonus reasons here one one is that he didn't do any of it on purpose. And the other is that he may have only made it 96.3% of the way.

We're not 100% sure here. We're not gonna count that 96.3% doesn't count. And I've never accomplished anything if 96.3 doesn't count as a set. And that includes orgasm. That's like almost and so that's close enough. Yeah, the dribble. You know, I get it. I get it. Inrique is very demanding. Father is so upsetting. Get a hundred percent. He wouldn't let him

go boating for an entire week. I just go back around the world and find all those secret areas like Donkey Kong Country. He's just like sailing into walls, hoping they're invisible. That's what's still 99p. What the fuck? Now, before I really get started here, I want to offer up a fair warning

that there isn't a hell of a lot in terms of historical record when it comes to Enrique. Like, nine sentences in the entire world. So, it really, it's that bad. So to keep this episode from being six minutes long, I'm actually going to tell the story of Magellan's last voyage, but as you're going to learn along the way, Enrique is really the star of the show here. Okay. So if I ask you who Magalan is, will you tell me or will you ask these so questions

that ignore me again? I guess there's only one way to know for sure. All right, who was Maggillin? I know this one. That's a GPS system for your car that your dad still uses because he's afraid of cell phones, right? I got it. I know that one. No, Tom.

You're being Tom, Tom. Yeah, no, mine's named, my mom's next to him saying this isn't your exit 87 times in a row. But no, the McGellan I was thinking of was from Nan Magellan, who was one of the true icons of the age of exploration. And you can tell that by all the shit he has named after him. He's the name, say, the two moon craters, a Martian crater, two giant telescopes, two dwarf galaxies of the Nusian probe, a straight, a Martian crater, two giant telescopes, two dwarf galaxies

of the Nusian probe, a straight and a kind of penguin. Jesus Christ. When I died, I'd be happy if one of my kids remember most of my name with the end of a flash bar. That's the top. It's really not that impressive. You just said 50 bucks to international galaxy registry. Whatever.

I mean, Keck DeFradis versus Salales is named after me. So great pronunciation there. There's a biologist somewhere who's like, you pronounce that wrong with that. That's is funny. All right. So Magellan was born in Portugal in 1480 to a noble family. Of course, at this point, the Portuguese were the best mariners in the world and to understand why all you need to know is that the Spanish hated them and where Portugal

is. Okay. Wait, I learned this during the state of the union. We're not giving them water because they have too much snacks. It's the rainy one next to Mexico. Europe's Mexico though, that one. That's what I said. Now, Magellan would have been turning at about 18 around the time that the Portuguese fleet

first made it around the Horn of Africa and opened up the first direct trade route between Europe and Asia, which made the country filthy fucking rich. Well, that and they probably hired a narcissistic massage and a racist reality TV show real estate mogul is their leader. And that's probably how they made Portugal. You're getting that. Well, right. Why?

Saying, dear Asia, here's a bill for that wall. Also, Seoul, Seoul is the capital of North Korea from now on. Love. You're welcome. All right. So at the age of 25, Magellan set sail looking for adventure and whatever comes his way. So he listened to fleet that carries the first visor of Portuguese India, then spends almost a decade there helping him kill natives and pacify uprisings.

Okay. Very confusing. Why wouldn't it? Okay. Wouldn't not killing the natives be the best way to pacify the upribe? Wouldn't have to have to get uprisings, get out some prevention, right? You need to repeat customers, though. Right.

I mean, it's worth a pound of cure, yeah, but I guess ethnic cleansing is, you know, 17 times more fun than not doing that. So, is this question of the math? Jewish question of the math. Of course. One ethnic cleansing at a row, please. All right. So in 1511, Magellan was part of a Portuguese contingent that sacked Malacca.

This was a particularly troublesome region in what's now southern Malaysia. And it was during this conquest that he first met Enrique of Malacca. And by met, I mean, forced into slavery as a spoil of war. Okay. All right. Tender was weird. Yeah. Weirder. Weirder. No, it's actually about the same. Tender was about the same. You're thinking of fat life, Tom. And yes, it was the same. I'm never thinking of fat life. Eli. There's just a picture of an reek A seductively cuddling as smallpox blankets and the John swipes.

And he sends them three ship emojis and four squirt emojis. Lemonade lemonade lemonade. Plants. All right. Should I pay extra for that swipe around the world thing? Nah, it's never going to need that. I'm like, I'm going to go around the world. No, like I said, there's very little in the way a historical record on this guy. We don't even actually know his name. And Rique was the name Magellan gave him when he convinced

him to be a Christian and by convinced, I mean, probably threatened to kill him. But from everything that we know, he was a pretty exceptional dude. He was apparently spectacularly good looking. He could speak at least four languages fluently and you get the impression you could speak a lot more than that. And he was almost as smart as Donald Trump thinks he is. After eight years in India, Magellan has made a pretty decent chunk of money.

So he takes his plunder, including his awesome new slave, and he heads back to Portugal. But once he gets there, he starts getting embroiled in all different controversies. For example, at one point, he's accused of trading illegally with the Moors. Trading illegally? Like, hey, we heard you were trading on the brown market instead of pillaging. That's right. You're not supposed to do. The memo says we heard about this from the Moors, but it's, it sounds shady. Well, unlike the memo thing, he was later cleared of those charges, but he couldn't,

after that, he couldn't get a position-captain, a chef. Unfair, witch hunt. Clearly a witch hunt. Yep. Well, yeah. That's still crime in 12 cities in Mississippi though. I mean, not witch hunting more. Yeah, trading with the more crime. So for years Magellan went scraping around looking for a job that he didn't think was beneath

him, which is a tiny sliver of jobs apparently. And when he couldn't find one, he did the unthinkable. He went to Spain. I thought he was going to do something that wasn't beneath them. That's weird. Yeah, two votes. When your signature food is raw ham and your only city in the country that doesn't look like the inside of Joe Arpeo's prison breaks up with you, you suck. You heard me, Spain. What kind of Spanish are you? Anyway, you're just like white people.

Get out of here. Let's go out. You look like a guy who took college Spanish who's like faking it hard at your Latina friend. Cut it out. Now, I need to emphasize here that Portugal and Spain hate the fuck out of each other and they always have. All right.

So these are, yeah, right. I feel the same. I know you. Yeah, right. No, no, but no, are part of the I birian peninsula is one god damn peninsula people. Alright, so but these two countries they went to war in the 1380s, the 1470s, the 1580s, the 1640s through the 1660s, the 1730s, the 1760s, the 1770s, and twice in the first decade of the 1800s. It's just 15 minutes of sword fighting, then six hour lunch, 15 minutes of sword fighting.

Let's call it a day. Eventually it was like, okay, well, this is dumb to keep calling it a war. That's just, it's just a work day. It's a war. It's a war. It's a war. It started calling it a weekdays after that. Yeah, exactly.

Well, they seem to be enjoying themselves with that And in fact one of those wars I just mentioned was so good. It was called the fantastic war So admittedly though only two of those wars had happened before me, but again now I can someone from early in the relationship I understand that you know Don't lash out Cecil not here not in front of in weeko swabi Don't, don't lash out Cecil, not here, not in front of Enrico Suave. Enrico. Enrico. Don't leave.

Don't leave. Magdalen. All right, so one of the outgrowth of this animosity between the two nations was an agreement called the Treaty of Tortiseas. That sounds like an unintentionally delicious treaty. Like I, doesn't it? You're dying to divot it. I was supposed to have that treaty.

Absolutely. Absolutely. Absolutely the end. I'm up in it. You're just you're dying to get that. Absolutely. Absolutely. I'm up in. You know, yeah. That sounds good. I'll have to know. I literally as I was researching this, I literally, this is true, had to have nachos after I started reading about this. So, all right. But with the with the Spanish discovery of the new world, the Portuguese discovery of the sea route to Asia, both were

vying for naval supremacy and conflicts that were kind of fucking things up for the rest of Europe. Right, obviously all these new resources from these newly discovered trade routes were great for the continent, but not if all the shit kept winding up at the bottom of the ocean because the Spanish and Portuguese couldn't get along. So now the Pope at this point, he steps in,

and basically he treats the earth like a shared apartment in an 80s sitcom he draws a line half way across the Atlantic ocean I'm the one how do you have the line when you're in the water? Yeah, right? I can't do you say it gets so much stupider because then he says all the searouts to the west of that line are spanes and all the animals to the Easter particles. Spain. And all the animals to the Easter particles. And that doesn't work because the earth's round. And the ocean and it. You guys are cheating. I see you going. You got West and we got it. No, this is my East. Your East is left. Yeah. We're going my. But the kitchen is on the other side of the life. What I can't hungry watching the open the refrigerator and sees Spain written in Sharpe on their container.

A box of love. Now you should keep in mind that in this treaty, first of all, like all the other European countries aren't Catholic, so they're ignoring this shit. And Spain is kind of getting the shit end of the stick, Right? I mean, we're all pretty fond of America now, but back then, Spain's getting a mostly unexplored wilderness and Portugal is getting all the silks and the spices and the Asian findaries that Europeans are already buying. So Spain figures, hey, Earth's round. Why not set sail to Asia by going west? Okay, let's pick. I'll take Europe and Asia and you can have,

you get North Carolina. Okay. You're cheating again. This isn't fair. Okay. Fine. We get angles and you get straight lines. We get the straight ones. That's the angle. That's stupid. Oh, of course. Now, if you think about this, this is exactly what Columbus was trying to do in America, that's the angle of that's stupid of course now if you think about this is exactly what columbus was trying to do with america got his way in the first place

but by now they'd pretty thoroughly map the american coastline and the gelin was pretty sure that there was going to be a straight north of the horn of south america that would cut some time off uh... spoiler alert we now call that straight the straight of magelland alternately referred to as the siss of magellen well to be fair the queer of magellen didn't have the spoons to guide anyone to the new world that day so they

uh... more space book and took selfies of course this was going to be a damn expensive journey and magellen was the only person that wanted to lead it and and and since he was a portuguese turntoy wasn't exactly first in line, but one advantage he had against his competitors was Enrique, an interpreter that could actually speak all the languages they might need along the way. I like that. I have got this great new technology converts languages. Yeah, that's a person. Not yet. It's not. That's like the first Apple watch. You keep watch.

I give you an apple a year. It was perfect. Perfect. There you go. Absolutely. Profiting from Asian slave labor, never gets old. That's basically. All right.

So eventually King Charles the Vith of Spain agrees to fund the expedition with Magellan and its head. He gives him five ships. The Trinidad, the San Antonio, the Concepción, the Santiago, and the Victoria. And on September 20th of 1519, they set sail with a crew of about 270, mostly from Spain, but they also had people from Portugal, Italy, Germany, Belgium, Greece, England, France, and of course, Malacca. They weren't going to let the Malacca on the ship, but then they had to because of an

affirmative boarding action. So you got to build a border wall. So all the re-writes. Well, all right. So the first leg of the journey is pretty uneventful. By now, the Spanish have been crossing the Atlantic for more than 25 years and they've gotten pretty good at it. So by December 13th of that year, they anchored in present day Rio de Janeiro for a resupply.

They stay there a little while because of bad weather because you know how Rio has such bad weather and so few other reasons sailors might want to stay there. But a few weeks later, they head south and search of a straight. Okay. Thus making the first, but not the last time someone left Rio because they were looking for something straight. Ryan Lockty did not have a good time after the Olympics. It's just like, so what happened there? accidental gay hooker. I'm assuming. No, no, no, it was we robbed a store. We robbed a store.

Okay. So at this point, they're way into the Southern hemisphere. And it's the end of No, it was we robbed a store. We robbed a store. Okay, so at this point, they're way into the Southern hemisphere and it's the end of March. So they settle into a temporary settlement that they dump Puerto Son Julian for the winter. And it's about then that the trip starts turning to shit. Couple days after they set up camp, three of the five ships, uh, captain's mutiny. So Magellan has a pretty sweet deal going with the Spanish king about how stupid rich he gets to get if they actually made this trade route work. But the captains of these other ships don't have the same deal. What they do have are ships that are worth a fuck ton of money that are thousands of miles from anybody that can come

after them. We're leaving. We have boats and lots of money. Oh, no, fuck, we didn't think of that. I didn't think of that. I didn't think of the boats. See, but if Magellan had known about multi level marketing, he would have come out of this with more ships, not last. Well, they ain't getting more ships. You think, and I got plenty of de bloons here, but no corkscrews. Well, check this out.

Here's how you do it. And I bet none of your boats can cut through a ship. Well, there you go. Well, not slice a tomato after. So now Magellan swung into action pretty quick to put down this mutiny. He said some folks around to kill a couple of the mutineering captains. And then he had them secretly cut the anchor lines of one of the ships that those captains took.

So just kind of drifted downstream to the much more well armed flagship where Magellan was waiting. Awesome. You're not leaving. We'll kill you. Fuck, we didn't think of that. Yeah, right. Right. All right, we're going to stop announcing our plan from now on.

That you didn't think of that. Fuck, wait, starting now. Yes. All right, so Magellan has the ring leaders leaders killed but he realizes pretty quick that if he executes all the mutineers he's not going to have enough people to crew all these nice ships so he finds it in his heart to forgive most of them uh... the others he has drawn quartered in impaled on spikes uh... now i couldn't figure it didn't say anywhere if that's like four spikes per quartered person

or if they do it like a kabob. But what were you doing? What were you doing? And, yeah, there's so much, much more interesting visual that way. But what were the other, it just went to any future thoughts of mutiny? Well, it's, some are forgiven

and then the others are drawn in quartered like, yes, the options, right? Right? How do they decide who gets forgiven? Musical spikes? Well, Tom, if you take the mere 94 and a half hours to listen to Dan Carlin's latest episode, you know. All right.

So they finish out their winner here and then they set sail again when the weather starts to get warmer, but from here on out, the trip is going to be even worse than a van ride with Eli to reason. Call Jesus. Heardful. It's been. Heardful. Okay.

I'm having an anxiety attack on her. So hurtful. Yeah. Exactly. So much. I need a second to recover and to comfort my friend who I will soon be sharing a hotel room list. So we're going to take a quick break for Aberpov, nothing.

And when we come back, maybe Noah will mention the Enriki guy, he said this episode was about. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.

Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.

Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. way too dangerous to go on. Yeah, no, yeah, I think we should turn back. Yeah, but guys, guys, if we turn back, we are gonna get that title Lord or that castle, you know, like, wait, hold on, what are you talking about?

Yeah, they never, never said any of that stuff. Castles and Lord, what? They never offered Lordships. Lordships? No, did they offer you a Lordship? What mean? No, no, they didn't, no, I never, no, no, they did not. No, I just, I just thought they'd be like super excited or something and they just, like said that we're doing. No, I mean, they didn't, no, I never, no, no, they did not, no, I just, I just thought they'd

be like super excited or something and they just like said that we're doing it. I mean, I don't know, like, well, did you just regular time, we're not even getting overtime for this? Wish. Wow. So like, no chest of gold then or? No, I didn't, they don't just give out chests of gold. Okay.

Again, did they offer you chests of gold? Because it sounds like they offer you chests of gold. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, I'm punching a clock just like you guys are. They didn't, no, not at all. But we don't like if we keep going, we get to namesheet after ourselves. You know, like that has to have value, right? Like, I'm going on, we can,

like, why would, my kids are named after me, but it's again, I feel like you're getting something. I feel like we should vote on it. Yeah, okay, let's vote on it. So, all in favor of going back. All in favor? That's gonna be... 3-1.

In reek-a-k, cut that guy's arms off and hold him up. Okay, those are my votes now. All right, okay, any objections? Great, get the fuck back on the boat. Get back on your fucking ship. Enrique, come in here Enrique, come here. Yes, sir. I was just working on my journal of our journey and I wanted to be wondering if you could if I could just run some of it by.

Of course, sir. Okay, all right, I'll just start reading here. Today, I met Enrique. His skin is dark like a sycamore tree. His legs are like firm trunks. His face carved like chisel mahogany is something one can be lost in for hours. He shall be our translator,

and I look forward to watching his beautiful language roll of his lips and into my open waiting ears. So, what do you think? Very vivid, sir. Very vivid. Cool. Sir, very vivid. Oh, cool. Cool, cool. Actually, do you mind going over... You know, just going over it for spelling a grammar, just taking the... Of course, sir. No problem.

There's like 40 pages about your butthole. Okay. Okay. Okay, okay. And we're back. When we last left our hero Noah hurt my feelings and he was doing something. Not really sure what, because we're still hearing about the Marjoran guy from Portugal. So honestly I wandered, I got in a Twitter fight. Downloaded some sweet, sweet tunes from Imagine Dragons. What happened next? No, what happened next? Very good presidential. Love you. So that's Benchellan, not Marjorin. But yeah. So before

these sets sail from their wintering camp, still not in re in reek. Yeah. Well, no, no. No, no, no. So Magellan sends out one of his ships, the Santiago on a scouting expedition, where it promptly racked in a sudden storm. So he decides to maybe give it a few weeks, but by October 21st, they reached the straight they were looking for. Sounds like my wife's wedding fast. There's years to salty as the sea. Oh, yeah.

All right. So that's so neat. There's two salty as the sea. Oh, yeah. All right. So that's so mean. So two quick things about the straight of my challenge before Eli has that breakdown. First of all, if you look at it, I'm sorry. He just doesn't like Eli. I just think she can do better. That's.

I think we all know Anna. She's sure to add her. So that's that's a dead speech. That's a dead speech. Oh, God. Hey Joe dad my career peak All right, we were talking about the mountain pops We were talking about the straight of a gel in right. Yeah, so okay first of all If you look at it on Google Maps, you're probably gonna notice that it would be a tricky mother fucker to navigate with five giant wooden sailboats before anybody charted it. The second is that it's only a couple hundred miles north of the horn, so I feel like they're

cutting out three days of my doing this. But anyway, it's an insignificant amount of space. But anyway, they may get into the straight. They managed to navigate three of their remaining ships through unscathed. The fourth was just like, fuck this narrow shit and deserted back to Spain. It's like the first time a sailor's ever given up on something because it's too tight, right? All right. Well, the key is you keep the vessel still and you have the straight back into it, nice. That's how I learned it. But you guys are talking like boats or something.

Yeah, no, we're working. That life is fun. All right, so on November 1st, the remaining ships pass out of the strait and enter a tranquillcy. So tranquil, in fact, the Magellan calls it the pacified sea or the Pacific Ocean. Turns out that name was stick.

It took about five months to cross that one into Asia. And as we learn when we went to Australia last year, the trip hasn't gotten noticeably shorter in the last 500 years. I don't know. You really learn to appreciate every single Spider-Man movie ever on the fourth viewing after having not slept for three days. It gets a so you know, you do. I slept great. And those Japanese flight attendants were the best. Just like softly rub and belly and stuff. I didn't understand until I fell asleep. Wonderful. It wasn't like sexual or weird. It was just like really nice. I'm just saying. All Nepan Airlines, the inspiration of Japan. Oh, hey, dad, dad, he's sneaking ads in that we didn't know about it. No, no, you are. You are. You are. We don't have ads. All right. Listen to the show. Yeah. You hear that

dad? We hear that. We can't get ads on this show. I can't imagine why. All right. So on March 16th, Magellan's expedition reached the island of Hamanhan in the Philippines with three ships and about 150 crew remained. That's right near Japan where you can fly on ANA. Yeah, no, you can't. Ah, ah, ah, ah. Yeah, in case any of our listeners

are flying to the Philippines. Or Japan. All right, so among the remaining crew, oh yeah, I get the fuck out of Philippines, that'd be good idea. Among the remaining crew course is Enrique of Malacca. And at this point, by the way, he's only about a thousand miles from home

having come the long way around, right? In his lifetime, he'd unwittingly circumnavigated 24,000 or so of the Earth's 25,000 miles circumference. Oh shit. That's awesome. Is this like the starting line metaphor about institutional racism where we use the starting gun to shoot all the other races? Yeah.

First of all, it's called the NYPD fund run and you didn't have to be my plus one. I didn't want to see so. Okay. I didn't want to see so okay. I didn't want to. Oh, you had to. Yeah. All right. So Magellan since his trusty translator is short with a small contingent to see if the locals are friendly

and it turns out that they are. Oh, what's the plan if they are? Okay. Okay. Kill or enslave them probably, but they are. So it doesn't matter. Okay. All right.

And instead, the locals invite the whole crew to a big feast with their king. And once they get there, Magellan turns to the king, uh, dude by the name of Humbabon. And he says, Hey, man, you want to, you want to be my religion now? And Humbabons like, sure, why the hell not? So going to go on, went on to star in every Ray Comfort movie ever If I'm in reek at this point though, I'm having some fun while I do this translation Right, so like so Magellan just asked if you'll if you'll time up and shit on his chest And great that is a big yes from whom a bond They discovered Germany.

All right. So after dinner drinks and formal kingdom wide conversion to Catholicism, whom a bond asks his new buddy Magellan for a quick favor turns out there's this other king on this other island that's been given whom a bond and is gang some trouble. So he says, Hey, maybe you sail over there. You're rattled your sabers a little bit. Tell him about all that awesome Jesus stuff you just told me about and maybe make them stop raping our daughters and shit.

And John's like, you don't understand. You're Christian now. Just send those guys hopes and prayers that works every time. Turn your daughter's other cheek actually now. Yeah. Raping their daughters, they brought priests to the boys. Don't feel that doubt. That's true. Yeah. As long as your sons are good, the policies I'm going to work for you. Yeah. So Magellan's a nice enough guy.

He says, sure, why the hell not? So now the correct answer to why the hell not, by the way, is because they're going to murder you with a giant bamboo spear or the second you set foot on their island. But Magellan doesn't know that yet. So he decides to go teach those savages a few manners Yeah, he's showing the natives that you always start with the bamboo spear on the outside of the place And ideally finish with it on the outside of your body as well All right, so they said sail to see this other king whose name just in case you were in danger of taking this story seriously is

Dato Lapo Lapo. Hi. I'm a bond sounded more delicious. I wanted a cinnabon right away. Yeah, I wanted a cinnabon. It's good to get something sweet after the salty torsidias. No, so they get to this island. They can't sail the big ships close enough.

So he takes about 50 guys or so, uh, a shore on these smaller boats. And then they kill the fuck out of the second size foot on the island. Despite the fact, by the way, the Spanish have crossbows and muskets and the natives have bamboo spear. Blame on all sides. Yeah. Now it helps that the one side with the bamboo spear is probably outnumbered the others like 30 to one. I was big. So Magellan dies on the beach, but most of the landing party does manage to scramble back into their little dingy's and get safely aboard the ship. And of course among the survivors is in Rikai of Malaka, who, according to Magellan's will, is now a free man. Oh, that's nice, right? And to my friend and Rikai of Malaka, who according to Magellan's will is now a free man.

Oh, that's nice, right? And to my friend and Rikai, I leave my friend and Rikai. Yeah. Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! That's it, actually that's exactly what it is, too.

Ah! So, okay. Ah! Ah! No, he's like, flagellating himself. He's got the hammer, he'll have to hit him.

He gets three fifths of himself to continue using. Yeah. Oh, it's all right. So, I'm not gonna make the mistake here of pretending that there's such thing as a, like a good slave owner. Yeah, that's heat spit.

Don't steal heat spit. Oh, okay. Racist, you are that. Like slaves are too stupid to know difference between good and bad employers. That's your racist. You are. On the scale of slave owners, Magellan sees seems to at least not be one of the really bad ones.

All right. So all the accounts that we have show these two guys is kind of like friends and look, I'm sure that slave that likes me is even less genuine than stripper that likes me. But it's it's safe to say that Magellan really did like Enrique. According to his will, which was there with him on the boat, upon Magellan's death, Enrique was to be granted his freedom and given 10,000 Spanish gold coins out of Magellan's estate.

All right. So he writes about how handsome he is, how verbose coins out of Magellan's estate. All right. So he writes about how handsome he is, how verbose he is, and how smart he is. And then he leaves him 10,000 gold coins in his will. Uh, I'm going to go ahead and guess they were special friends, Noah. Yeah. I know. It was generous. You can have your freedom when you pride out of my cold dead hands.

Well, there's. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, no, but yeah, I think the special friends thing for the guys that spent their entire lives on boats together probably is, and you're not going to get crazy with this. Okay. So Enrique goes to the stood named Sarrao. Now he's in charge of the expedition at this point because of a gentleman's dead. And Enrique says, Hey, I'd like my gold coins and my freedom, please. And Sarayo is like, go fuck yourself slave.

But I still need to translate her. Sue me when we get back to Spain. Okay. But if you don't trust me, your gold, it's right there in the hull in the back. Go grab it. Go grab it. And your freedom is right next to it. Just go right there. Oh, yeah.

All right. So at this point, they sail back to that friendly king. And that's where Sarayo is going to learn how stupid it is to make a mortal enemy out of your interpreter. He he. So they go back to Huma Bon and they have another one. He's great feasts. And at the feast, Humaabon and his men kill everyone there except in Rika. And Rika is like, so see when I get back to Spain or I could just mad lives, whatever you're saying, put rape in every blank space. Yeah.

I really call that Twitter now. He was ahead of his time. If only Twitter killed you see so if only Twitter killed you killing us all Eli. Nobody cares for us. What does that mean? Forward 15 seconds. No, whatites are always scared. No, there's a lot of conjecture on how Enrique made this happen.

Some accounts say he told him that the Spaniards were going to kidnap the king. Others say he told them they were planning to enslave everybody on the island. Still others just say he honestly told the king what Sorreo had done, but nobody really knows. And as the translator, he could have, like, season so you could have been just going like, yeah, he says your mom's a whore again and tell whom of on has the guy kill. All right. Now, unfortunately, this is the point where we lose

and recase historical threat. He's a thousand miles or 2500 kilometers or so from Malacca, at this point, would have been well within his means to island hop his way there, would have only taken a couple of months and we're pretty sure he had a bit of money when he started. And as safe as it is to assume that that's exactly what he did, we don't know for sure. So we may have like got almost all the way around the world. Therefore, history can't officially

grant him that title. I'd like to think you went back to that island and laid next to Magellan's body until he died like that dog on Futurama. Oh, great. Well, now that we all remember that episode, I'm going to spend the rest of the episode loudly weeping. So right, excuse me, I'll be the one scream cry again. It turns out the title of first person to circumnavigate the globe actually ends up going to one one subestional, he's the highest ranking person still alive when Magellan's expedition comes limping back into port and autumn of 1522. And now, you know, it keep my originally they didn't really set out with the intention of circumnavigating the globe, but after the heavy losses in the Philippines, they decided

that the treaty of Taurusias could go fuck itself and they took the most direct route back home. Most of the remaining sailors would starve along the way. Jesus. In and of the 270 people who set sail, a whopping 17 of them survived the whole trip. Wait, wait, wait, wait, if they only needed 17 people to sail these things back home,

I think they were about 253 people heavy on the personnel route. They might have had enough food of them bought a paper, a couple extra hundred people. A fuck. And Noah, if you had to summarize what you've learned in one sentence, and bought paper a couple extra hundred and no if you had to summarize what you've learned in one sentence what would it be that humans are so fucking stupid they had to send a ship around the world with a calendar before it occurred to anybody that they were going to need an international date line

and that's someone who does not know what that is are you ready to swap the dex of our ignorance with knowledge? You've been over. I don't know what that means. It was a different day when I got there, but I couldn't tell you how it worked or why it worked or why we needed it. Why can't it always be Tuesday? Oh, right.

Well, I will say your ignorance is the least gross part of you. I've swabbed. So why the hell not? I'm ready to go. All right, I'll get started. Uh, no, what is unscribed on Magellan's headstone? A, I was bamboozled. Bamboozled. B, an immigrant took my job. C, horseshoe and hand grenade champion of 50 or D world's okayest circummageddon. Well, I feel like he's already hinted around with, or no, I'm sorry, Tom already hinted

around it with it with the make Portugal grade again. It was B, an immigrant took my job. Absolutely. Absolutely. Yes. Another presidential, presidential retweet coming our way. All right. What other famous explorers were really irrelevant castaway sidenotes to history? A. Clarence Terroin, who in 1928, stood away on a zeppelin from New Jersey to Germany.

B. Pardeeb Saini, who stood away in the wheel well of his 747, surviving by going to a state of suspended animation, Olive Brie from Futurama, and whose brother died doing the same exact fucking thing. Jesus. What? Or see this episode, which was about Magellan, but which Enrique hitches wagon to, and it was going to have me killed now for threatening to a total. All right, I'm not 100% on this one, but I love the idea of the human tardigrade too

much. I'm going to go with B part deep saini. Saini. Yeah, what the hell? All right, a little bit of a different angle on this one. Noah, who was this episode about? Is it A, Edward of Moncala? B, repay the macaque, C, denfleek melala, D, a replay of Obama, E, none of the above Eli

it's written at the top of the page. Seriously, you have to start going over your notes more curve, curve fully. I didn't know that last one. Nope, but it's the correct one. I'm going to go with eight. All right, I got one more for you. So when Enrique, the translating sex slave pirate, finally, got back to Malaysia, he was, he was knighted and given the title, Sir Com Navigate.

Of course. They, um, after that happened, you know, there's a nine, sir Com Navigate term. And of course, they wrote books about him, which eventually became pirate themed gay porn. Of course. Yes. Yes. Which of the following is the most popular biopic about Enrique of Malacca, the literal aspires was it a around the world in 80 gays was it B Brown, I IHomo and a bottle of cum. Also known as two pearls, one cup.

Wow. All right. I feel like everyone's the winner here just because of the circumnavigate joke, but I'm going to go with C15 men's challenge. I'm going to that man's chest. You got every, well, nobody managed to stump you so that means that I did not stump you with this. Yes, yes, yes, it is well done process of elimination. All right. Well, I thought Heath was reading my line just now

But he wasn't it looks like nobody So Noah you're this week's winner and that means your next week's host. Who do you want to do all the work? I offer Cecilis tribute. Oh host. Who do you want to do all the work? I offer Cecilus tribute. Oh, all right. Now I'll toss it over to Sarah for last week's Twitter answer and this week's Twitter question. Thanks Eli. This week's question is if they were making a movie about Enrique of Malac his life, what should the tagline be? Just retweet her Facebook share this episode with your answer for a chance to be next week's winner. Back to you Eli. Alright, well for Cecil Heath, Noah and Tom, I'm Eli.

Thank you for hanging out with us today. We'll be back next week and by then Cecil will be an expert on something else. Probably something old-timey that involves armor. Between now and then, you can hear more from Tom and Cecil on their excellent podcast, cognitive dissonance. And you can hear more from me, Heath and Noah on the scathing atheists, the skepticrat, and God off with Movies. Also, I'm pretty sure I still have a blog, but nobody's checked in a while.

And if you'd like to help keep this show going and make those jokes about my father-in-law, stay jokes. You can click the promo information at patreon.com slash citation pod. Or leave us a five-star review everywhere you can. And if you'd like to get in touch with us, check out past episode, connect with us on social media, or check the show notes for sure to check out citationpa.com. And remember, don't break promises to your translator. Butthole, I imagine is sweet like an inside-out chocolate case.

Like an inside-out chocolate case. Case, exactly, yes. I'm not going to have you killed. What? Nothing. What? Nothing.