Citation Needed - Failed Products, Part 2

Episode Date: November 15, 2023

The Museum of Failure[1] is a museum that features a collection of failed products and services. The touring exhibition provides visitors with a learning experience about the critical role of failure in innovation and encourages organizations to become better at learning from failure. Samuel West's 2016 visit to the Museum of Broken Relationships in Zagreb, Croatia, inspired the concept of the museum.[2] Museum founder and curator Samuel West reportedly registered a domain name for the museum and later realized he had misspelled the word museum.[3] The Swedish Innovation Authority (Vinnova) partially funded the museum.[4] The exhibition opened on June 7, 2017, in Helsingborg, Sweden.[3] The exhibit reopened at Dunkers Kulturhus on June 2, 2018, before closing in January 2019. A temporary exhibit opened in Los Angeles, California, in December 2017.[5] The Los Angeles museum was on Hollywood Boulevard in the Hollywood & Highland Center.[6] The exhibit opened in January - March 2019 at Shanghai, No.1 Center (上海第一百货). [7] And in December 2019 a smaller version opened in Paris, France at the Cité des Sciences et de l'Industrie along with other interesting failure-related exhibitions for the "Festival of Failures" (Les Foirés festival des flops, des bides, des ratés et des inutiles).[8]

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That's why sunwing vacationers go all in like it's a buffet of fun. Whether you're skimming the tree tops like Tarzan's long-lost twin, or deep-end swimming with your flippers and fins. Or maybe you're just perfecting the art of doing absolutely nothing. Whatever vacation you are, with Sunwing, you save more, so you can do more. Book with your local travel agent, or... But then if you scout, I get it out. Yeah, that sounds boring, man. I don't know what to tell you.

It's not boring, it's a fun game. Hey, there you are. Hey guys, what you doing? Oh man, it's another failure episode. That's right, and you know what that means? What? We made another museum of failed Eli ideas. Oh like maybe we did this bit and the, you know,

sort of played it out in the first episode. No, no, no, no, this is failed podcast. Oh, they've got you there. You do have a lot of those. I do. Yeah. It's true. I have a lot of those.

Yeah. First of all, we got decked the hallmarks where you and Cecil watch a different hallmark move for each day and December. Physically impossible to do. Okay, but it would have been fun. It would have been fun. Definitely not fun, correct, Cecil. Then, of course, there's cameo.

No, you didn't. Gary Buce, judge Joe Arpio. How are these not amazing ideas? How do you like that below YouTube reaction videos, man? It is not. And of course, incredulous USA, your original idea for this very show. I still think it was a good idea. Hey, wait. what's this?

This blank wall with the title, DOD? What's DOD? Oh, that's for a future thing. You don't have to worry about that. Do you want to do a podcast called DOD? Maybe at some point, I don't know, I text no while a lot when I'm high. Go for it. I said a lot when I'm high. Go all forward.

Hmm. I said let's start the show. Go. Now. Hello and welcome to Citation Needed. The podcast will re-choose a subject, read a single article about a Wikipedia and pretend we're experts because this is the internet and that's how it works now. I'm No Illusions, I'm going to be leading this focus group, but you can't exactly focus group alone, so so first up two men who thought the power glove was a way to recapture energy lost to masturbation Tom and he got I've actually got mine hooked up right to the grid I charged my Tesla twice a day with it.

Are you going the wire? Are you going the wire? And also joining us tonight too guys who were legit a little bit offended when I left them out of the masturbation joke Eli and Cecil. Well, I mean, why didn't we even play oki-kuki as it cast if who won wasn't going to matter? That's all I'm saying. Even still though, no, a great joke. Got a hand at you.

And before we get to making fun of other people's failures, we should probably thank the listeners who kept us off of this list. If you'd like to learn how to join their ranks, be sure to stick around to the end of the other people's failures, we should probably thank the listeners who kept us off of this list. If you'd like to learn how to join their ranks, be sure to stick around to the end of the show and with that out of the way, tell us Tom, what person plays think comes up phenomenon or event, what we'll be talking about today. Well, today we'll be talking about failed products. Again.

All right. So Eli, you initially chose a math based subject against the emphatic recommendation of both myself and our friend. Heath, and then you panicked when you realized it was way too thinking, then you swapped it out of the last second. So, are you ready to pretend this was the plan all along? I'm an e-reader. Of course you are, yes, Eli. So, tell us, Eli. You've got two ongoing listicle series now on our podcast that can literally be about anything you want to talk about. How long do we have until your essay is a quiz about which Harry Potter house we belong?

I reject your disdain no illusions. I reject and I have red ashtray. Your mom is a professional words, but it's in your blood somewhere. A lot of things are in my blood mostly cholesterol. No, Okay, I talked about part three, you like go. So as you'll all remember, way back on episode 291, when I was a little good girl, first inspired by the Museum of Failure to tackle this subject, we only made it through five of their exhibits, which isn't really that many. Now, a lot of people would say there are five failures on every episode of Citation Needed. So it's my hope here in part two to cover even more of them.

First up is an old-timey boat wreck. So forgive me Tom, for stepping into your territory. If you'd like, I can try to work a desperate cry for help into the intro. No, I only want you to do it if you mean it. Fair enough. All right, no, to be clear, if it's an old time, he boat wrecks, that's Tom's thing. But if it just sinks, that's C-Souls thing. Right. Weird ownership. I'm talking, of course, about the Vassa warship.

Of course. Yes. Built in 1628, the Vasa was one of the first worships with two Gundex, Swedish King Gustav Adolphus, who the Swedish have bizarrely decided to historicize as Gustav II Adolph, like he's a fucking fast and the furious enough. You have an alternative to Adolph already ready?

Use the alternative man. You're right. Sure. You'd think. Anyways, he had the ship richly decorated with the symbols of his country and himself. However, and I hope this isn't too technical, cannons are fucking heavy. So having a second floor of them made it harder to boat. The admiral and the designers knew about this this and they warned the king not to send her

out to battle until they got the kinks worked out, but he was like fuck that. We're fighting Poland and they set the ship off just days after she's been saying it. It sank right the fuck away. It took two years to build this thing and it took over it saying fucking immediately like five minutes in to their made way. Mostly because it was built like a giant upside down sippy cup, which is not great for a boat. And apparently one of my ancestors decided to start drinking right away, grabbed a barrel of grog, and somehow pushed the other barrels

and they all rolled to one side of the ship, which made it even more cheese. Yeah, as a Mr. Bean situation. Well, for the museum of failure here, on the way out of the harbor, the wind picked up, and the ship's foundered. Water rushed through the cannon openings, and the ship slowly sank to the bottom. Vasa was an embarrassing failure for the proud Kingdom of Sweden, but today, the ship now sits in a museum, and is one of the country's most visited tourist attractions. And I would have been one of those tourists last month if I hadn't lost my passport.

So he's how was it? Your life is a natural series of rolling disasters of your own making. You're right. So the museum was actually fun, except for the Swedish math teacher who followed us around. It's just like naming equations the whole time and spun back. Interesting. It was obnoxious.

I feel like they specified that it sank slowly as a concession to King Adolf. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no What do you mean that the ship that sank 400 years ago is now in a museum? Did they salvage a 400 year old failure boat with a five minute merit merit time? Yes. What? Yeah. Why? Why?

Oh, and over here is that time we suck and why you've never heard of the Swedish Navy? That's in their museum. Yep, nailed it. Got it in one top. Yep. All right. Let's jump from the past to the sparkling tech of the future. Ever since Tom Cruise ate that yucky sandwich and swooped around some bad guys, screen

gesture control of technology has been as synonymous with the future as my suicide. 24 sheets of sex. We were told that time had come with the log bar. Oh, minority report. I got it. I got it. Yep. I read that paragraph three times before I figure that out. There's no spaces or punctuation. So it's no punctuation. I am well up. Now

in spite of being named like a weird euphemism for a turd that won't flush. It actually sounds like a gay lumberjack club to me. But the log bar ring promised to be going to the log. The log bar ring promised to be the gesture control we were all waiting for. According to its kickstarted video, you'd be able to change the TV channel with a swipe of your finger. You could write a text message by simply drawing it into the air or open your music player by sketching out a music note. What? All of which take longer than the technology of the times. That didn't stop them from raising over $1 million. Jesus.

Hey man, you texted me. Dot capital I apostrophe again. Just press the fucking play button on the regular remote that you already had to start the music. I feel like all those fucking voice assistant people need to listen very carefully to this next piece. Yeah, for sure. So when the product arrived, folks were sorely disappointed.

The wireless charger that was promised was not wireless. And the ring was so large that it prevented users from closing their hand or bending their finger while using it. Jesus Christ. So they repackaged it and sold it to evangelicals as an anti-masturbation device. You just got to roll with what you got. Exactly.

When business insider tested one, they found that it only responded 5% of the time. When their reviewer contacted Logbar to see if they'd gotten a defective unit, he was told that those metrics were, quote, about what you should expect and what? So like one out of every 20 times you wave your arm like a jackass something happens. That's like Eli Akats is deli. Yeah. Or the house taking a floor. But it gets worse.

See that TV changing thing in the ad, not in the ring. And when asked, the company said there was never a plan for that to be a part of the product, it was just in the video to show what was possible. Oh, well, yeah, no, we a 100% guaranteed that satisfaction was possible. But worst of all, on the rare times that the ring did work, it would only do so if the log bar app was open and running. What the fuck? So you couldn't just do the gesture thing. You couldn't just open your camera.

You had to open your phone, open the log bar app, which no, you could not open with just a gesture, and then gesture to open the camera on your phone. Oh my f**king dream. We made a ring that allows you to do stuff on your phone with nothing, but a swipe of your finger. That's what they did. So I just say, turn on the light when I walk in the room. No, no, you have to alert your digital assistant.

You have to call her name and then tell her you want the light when I walk in the room. No, no, you have to alert your digital assistant. You have to call her name and then tell her, you want the light turned, I will have which light you want turned on and then the light goes on. Or, or what, that's it. Well, I mean, I could just use my finger and flip this switch silently and then I don't have to tell any surveillance robots where I'm

at. And that's free. You just do that for free. Why do you, why do you, why do you hate the future, Tom? That's just so fucking disappointing, Noah. It's so fucking disappointing. The literally the fight me and my wife have about the lights in our house constantly. Needless to say, people were pretty disappointed. The demand for refunds caused an alteration to Kickstarter's tech policy and the logbar is still considered one of the worst products ever to have launched on the platform, which is saying a lot. Yeah. Guys, it gets motor like, hey, Phil, does this one go above or below the sex toy that spontaneously can bus after you fart too loudly? Which one is this go?

Spoiler, go below there. Pink shaming, excuse me. It's been intimated on the meaner-spirited episodes of this program that I spoil my beautiful pug, Marjorie Tyrell Bosnick, nonsense, of course. She's a queen and we treat her like one just because she has more health insurance than Caesar doesn't mean she's spoiled. That's funny. It's fucking hilarious.

Now continue on. You have more lines there for someone else in her jacks. Just because you get Medicaid. Just a couple years he's a couple years. A couple of years. A couple of years now. Cobra, thank you. Cobra, yeah. Just because she has more health insurance than Cecil doesn't mean she's spoiled.

Just love. But believe me or not, at least I'd never buy her our next-belt product. Thirsty dog and thirsty cat, bottled flavored water for pets. Flay free. Yeah, because if there's one thing a species that needs to be constantly disturbed from drinking out of the toilet needs, to some sort of cater to their discerning beverage palette. Exactly. Exactly.

So, according to the marketing, thirsty dog and thirsty cat contained spring water fortified with vitamins and minerals. And they were intended to replace the ordinary poor people water in your pets. The water was available in two flavors. Kris B. B flavor. And tangy fish flavor for cats. Oh my God. Really long-dricing like the aquarium, yes. To revisit what Noah said, it feels like a waste by the marketing department. Dogs would be cool with neighbors, dogs,

asshole flavor water. Right, but that's a weird day when you make that water yourself. You know what I'm saying? I'm gonna be honest with you make that water yourself. You know what I'm saying? I mean, it's not that. I'm gonna need to provide that problem. Also, Eli would definitely buy the high-born water for Mags for sure. The moment he said poor people water just now, he made a pump of water. I'm just kidding.

I'm just kidding. Yeah, also, I'm not a dog, but I am someone that likes beef. And that doesn't mean I want my water to be beef flavored. Sure, sure. And while the products didn't last, the idea still lives on. As the museum of failure points out, an Australian company now sells pet pops,

a vitamin enriched soda pop for your pounds. So if you're begging for a beverage for your buddy, there's still a chance. Yeah, Mike cats literally eat the exact same food and water every single day and they still throw up at least once a week. You're going to have to excuse my lack of excitement at the idea of adding fucking bubbly water into their equation. Yeah, right.

Yeah. Staying comes out easy. You should feed them something else. It sounds like it's on sale. But enough about our furry buddies, what about something for your flesh kids? A phrase I say freely on this podcast, even though it lost me my job at Chuck E. Cheese.

Teenagers are next failure. 2014's My Friend Kayla. Now Kayla was an internet connected doll that used speech recognition to communicate with children. She could tell stories, carry on basic conversations, and even look up information. And commercially, it was a huge success. The doll was named the most innovative toy of the year

and sold a buttload, where it failed was in having any security or privacy. What's up? Oh my God. Kayla recorded and uploaded what daddy was doing to mommy last night. Yeah. Yeah. So the product is ridiculously easy to hack.

Having control over the wireless network, Kayla was connected to, gives you complete control over everything she said and did, but it also gave you access to everything she recorded, which was everything that happened around her. Oh my God, but even worse, if you just attached her to your phone, she functioned as an unprotected Bluetooth wireless speaker.

Okay, that's terrifying. Can you imagine having a device that can spy on you all the time and it has a microphone and a camera? Yeah, right, right. Yeah, no, it turns out that the thing that Orwell had the most wrong was that they weren't going to charge us for those tele-screen teeth out of those of you free. And that was just the illegal stuff.

Parents were horrified to learn that the parent company, Genesis Toys, harvested and sold data on what was said to end around the toy. Though Genesis tenies this ever happened. In Germany, parents were instructed to destroy the device as it violated a national espionage law. And last but not least, she turned out to be a shell. Without notifying customers, several companies, including Disney, bought ads on Kayla, which meant she

would speak highly of their products. And sometimes ask the child if they could watch a Disney movie together. Oh my gosh. And the spying device that had a microphone in a camera had ads to, this is unbelievable. One last failure. Speaking of which, if you're looking for a VPN, I got no VPN.com slash citation. They haven't pointed up the dough yet. Let's wait. Let's wait. That's not actually an average.

One last failure before we head into the commercial break. And this one is a gift for dad because after all, what's the worst part about golfing? Golfing. That's right, Tom. Golfing. But if you like golf, it's golfers. Sure. But if you like them to, it's tossing back brews on the links with the boys only to have to scamper back to the clubhouse to pee. Enter 2008. Okay. I don't like your skill up. Come on. No. Cleverly disguised urinal that looks like a gole but just unscrew the water tight cap. Nope.

Flip your penis into the tip with the use of the patented privacy towel and scream. I'm not fucking Michael. I'm being into it. I'm an adult who made this purpose purchase on purpose. And well, she says feels like a water hazard. I don't know. Okay, but it's easy to like a water hazard. I don't know. Sure. Okay. Okay. But it's easy to take a one stroke panel.

Hey. So what's the shot here? Pissing wedge? And while it might have failed us as a species, the Euro Club, much like Kayla, did not fail financially. Eurologist, Dr. Floyd Seskin invested over $300,000 in the Euro Club. And to a hollow tube, yep, that has a golf club at the end and a patented tall. I'm tall. I'm the striker. In 2009, heaven Harrington invested another 25,000 on an episode of the TV show Shark Tank. They even had a late night infomercial. Yeah, before you watch it, let me tell you, there has to be a better way B-roll is discerbing.

And Shark Tank, Mark Cuban, had to take a break from fucking the Dallas Mavericks to fuck this golf club. So. Okay, my favorite part is the privacy towel. Yes. Before that got added, people were like, hey, are you fucking your golf club? But now it's like am I fucking my golf club? Next hole

proprietary technology. Yes, but best of all you can still buy a Euro Club today for just 25 bucks at your row club.com They didn't sponsor this episode, but I have a feeling they should have. Yeah, right? All right. Well, while the rest of the cast and I look into whether we can buy a microphone, you can shittin' to cut our record times in half with Eli. We're gonna Nothing. What do you guys say is here fine? Oh absolutely. Absolutely. Thanks to Alan's drive I thought my part was gonna run out of gas before I caught up to the ball. Right? Tell me about it.

What's your secret man? Every time I try to add power to my drive I slice you slice it, right? Okay, well, um the thing is it's probably your grip or your Or your stance you got to focus on keeping your lead arms straight make sure your grip isn't too tight. Sorry Are you keen right now? Oh, yeah, this is the Euro Club. You're not one of these. Oh, they're a lifesaver. I Do not know. Oh actually, excuse me. This is a two-biper Yeah, you know, I used to have the same slicing issue and it was because I was over swinging You know, sometimes it's not about power but about with them and timing Have you tried the new Tiles Pro V ones? Sorry?

Are you shitting into your Goth Club right now? It's called a Dub-Dripe. Another thing you might consider is your Clubhead speed. You know, sometimes it's not about how hard you hit, but how smoothly you swing. Is nobody else seeing this? And also, have you thought about getting a swing analysis done? You know, some of those launch monitors can be really insightful. Really?

Yeah. Guys, we are adults playing a sport for fun. We don't need to fill our golf bags with urine and feces. Just go to the bathroom at the clubhouse like adults. Ridiculous. You see those geezers? Everybody's gonna play through? No, no way man. Okay, well, I'm gonna go. This is insane. Insane. Dude, did you guys see that? What's up? You didn't replace this divot. Fucking disgusting. And we're back.

That sketch is the funniest we're ever going to get guys. We have peaked. That was it. I hope you enjoyed it. We will soldier on regardless though. So Eli, tell us about some more failures if you want. All right. Fashion, like which of the hosts on this podcast is the least attractive, can be subjective.

I feel like this is a pretty well-established list of them. But our next couple of products were pretty obvious misses. Beginning with the Nike Magneto, the pitch was simple. I wear that athletes could wear without bulky goggles or headgear that looked cool and could be taken on and off with ease. All you had to do, superglue some magnets onto your face. What? And after you tear open several holes in your face, try and take those off. Just shove the Nike endodermic face magnet right into the wound. Perfect. This was all the happy

customers. Ah, this is where I guess that's right. The magneto line of eyewear clip directly onto magnets on your face. Now, to be fair tonight, he all the copy they had planned for the product recommended taping the magnets in place. But most sources agree that glue was going to be the way to go. Yeah, just don't do anything that would make you sweat while playing in our sports equipment. And you'll be all set. And they almost made it to market. They had several athletes racing in them ahead of product launch.

Promotional photos were taken, but according to Trevor Edwards, Nike's VP of Global Brand Management, it was on the advice of Steve Jobs, who listeners will remember giving the ESPN phone from the first episode in this series, the Kibosh, that they suggested that they shelved the product. And when they did, Edwards told fast company, quote, sometimes ideas are before their time. And, yeah, sometimes they're well ahead of their time. Think of the sales with medieval nights, right in the fucking comments. Yeah, I'm just, I'm imagining some poor Nike intern rushing to the room as faces almost entirely obscured behind paper clips and staples and safety pins and shit.

I was like, hey, I noticed the problem. I would have been here sooner, but it took me a while to get away from the fridge. It was a slide. When I slid, it made more sense. It was easier. Next up, we have the 2004 creation, the Oakley Thump. Oakley, the chief eyewear provider for off-duty cops and guys who tweet racist stuff at Barack Obama, created a new product category.

They called digital music eyewear. The Thump was a pair of sunglasses with a built-in MP3 music player and its advanced design allowed for the shades to flip up for use in door. Yeah, and also in the everything old is new again category, we can enter the Bose tempos, which are pretty much exactly this with somehow even less design sense. I say, I may or may not own those. And while the sound quality was apparently impressive, the price tag was not just over $500. And that's in 2004.

Wow. Yeah, but regular Oakley sunglasses were already insanely priced, weren't they? Wasn't that their thing? That's true, they're true. They cost any amount of money. So they are insanely priced. The glasses were canned, especially hard in Engage and Gizmodo,

the former of which dedicated an entire article to the failures of Oakley like as a company and the latter awarded the thump a position in their worst gadgets, the decade article. Huh. Cecil, you and Sarah ever do any remote control vibrator stuff? Yeah, we recorded on now, Humping Kayla doll.

You sent a total for your son. Well, then you might want to give the 2014 We Vibe a try. Already on one. According to their copy, quote, with the We Vibe vibrator and the We Connect app, you can experience intimacy without being in the same country, control vibrations and adjust intensity from a smartphone. Wow, how could that go wrong?

I mean, right. Ha, ha, ha I mean, right. Right. Enjoy sex via a video call or let your partner control the vibrator during a dinner at a fine restaurant. Your fantasy is the only limitation. Or Applebee is. Yeah, does that do that fine?

The fine because McDonald's drive through is fine. You know, yeah, right. Your fantasy is the only limitation, end quote. And they meant it because privacy sure as fuck wasn't. The Canadian company that made the product ended up paying $3.75 million in lawsuits for secretly collecting and selling information about the date and time of each use, vibration intensity, vibration mode, and the temperature of the product's environment.

Whoa, Jesus. Whoa. Okay, there's got to be a listener right now who had a my friend Kayla as a kid, and then they had this like, dronanism vibrator as an adult. Yeah, like, thank you. I'm having the worst luck with these things.

This is crazy. You know, I do like fine dining and all, but so many of them just don't live up to the budget. You know, it's crazy. Actually, I did own one of these, but I constantly getting these advertisements in the mail for Jack Ambers. It's like,

I'm sorry. Speaking of what goes on inside the Vajucer next product, was a Vduzzy for the Vajucer. product was a doozy for the Vajucy. I'm talking of course about the 1978 Procter & Gamble product, Reli tampons, which sported the catchphrase, it even absorbs the worry. Cool. Cool tampons made of cotton and Zannak, I'm guessing. I'm gonna let the Washington Post take over. Quote, instead of the cotton and rayon found in other tampons where lie was fully synthetic,

comprised of a water loving, hyperabsorbent, food grade thickener called Carbo-oxymethylcellulose, also known as cellulose gum. It's a commonly used substance. It's in your ice cream, your toothpaste, and at least in the 1970s, it was in your tampons." And quote, I'm trying to picture this idea happening. Proctor and gamble engineers, they're like staring at a tampon. One guy's eating an ice cream cone. He's slowly line up next to each other

at the perfect angle. Hold on. Yeah. They tried basing one of those. You got your chocolate and my peanut butter type ads on this, but thankfully they never got the same. Very. The post-cending news quote with a forward thinking shape that opened into a cup inside the vagina coupled with the capacity to absorb a significant amount of fluid. The rely appeared to herald a new era of tampons. Unfortunately, the product was fraught from the start. First, there were issues relating to how the hyperabsorbency of rely tampons could overdrive the naturally human environment of the vagina, desiccating the delicate organ to the point at which removal of the tampon could tear away some of the vaginal wall, what causing ulcerations and easy access to the body for lingering microbes. Then what do you mean then?

Why would there need to be a then Eli? You think then then there was the question of the old bacterial buffet. The fluid in the tampon acting as a surfeit of food available to both native and introduced microbiatha." End quote. And that tampon of desiccation's name, Ben Shippen. Enter toxic shock syndrome. In May of 1980, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, CDC, reported 55 cases of

toxic shock syndrome. An illness characterized by a high fever, a sunburn-like rash, low blood pressure, failures or abnormalities in multiple organ systems, and at the end of the illness, a dramatic disqualination or peeling of such areas as the hands. How does that work? How does that work? Hases continued to mount a follow up report in June identified continuous usage of tampons

during the menstrual period as a risk factor for developing TSS. And a further study identified a link between the ultra-absorbent rely tampon and the outbreak of cases. The public was alerted to the dangers posed by using rely tampons and in September, rely was removed from American store shelves.

And the sharp spike in TSS cases that started its climb when the products came to market two years earlier dropped as steeply as it had risen. That year, there were more than 800 cases of toxic shock syndrome reported to the CDC. End quote. The event was so traumatic that the specter of toxic shock syndrome still lingers over tampon users today. I mean, hell, it's one of the two things guys know about them besides that you put them in your butthole. If you found that last story traumatizing, don't worry. From 1983 to 2007, you could go through

a completely ineffectual form of therapy known as psychological debriefing. Is he? After a traumatic experience, there's a risk that some people will develop a psychological problem, such as post-traumatic stress disorder, or as Tom calls it, too much ghosts in your blood. And psychological debriefing was the theory that you could get a bunch of people who just went through similar trauma and have them talk about their thoughts and feelings. And hard as it may be to believe how did everyone feel about the car crash they were just in was not a particularly healthy mental exercise studies of the people who experienced the 2001 terrorist attacks in New York showed that the method was not only ineffective, it actually

increased the risk of PTSD and depression among trauma survivors. So immediately reliving the trauma from a bunch of different angles harmed them. I know. I know. But don't worry. Psychological debriefing is no longer practiced and condemned by most major psychiatric organizations. But there will still always be Facebook fan groups and Cecil Sinbox.

Sometimes it's not the product, but the problem, but the branding, which brings me to our final three failures on this week's show. If you're a middle-aged dad with too many books about World War II, you already know about the Swedish company, Bofers, who provided, and in some cases still provide, anti-aircraft guns for some of the most powerful warships in the world. But in 1968, the Giant Guns Company took a crack at toothpicks. Okay, they mentioned here is, okay, we killed a bunch of people with toxic shock with that last thing. Hold up something else, because that was cool how we did the thing.

I don't know, toothpaste? Maybe just move it slowly towards something else because that was cool how we did the thing. I don't know, toothpaste. Maybe just move it slowly towards something else. Yes, we got this. So guns? Yeah. So, Beaufort's toothpaste contained artificial sweeteners and microplastic beads as a mild abrasive. By 1971, unfounded rumors spread alleging that the beads would remain in the body for months

with catastrophic results. Beaufort's issued a public statement that the only would remain in the body for months with catastrophic results. Ophors issued a public statement that the only product their company made that remained in the body was explosive. They scrapped the product and went back to making boat guns. He said he has think that constant ingestion of microplastics is going to cause them arm dumb asses. On the other side of the freaky friday vaz is colgate the truth based company, not the safety school for lesbians. They launched a line of frozen foods, at least according to the

museum of at least to n1 you. Yeah, exactly. A hard school for lesbians to get into. At least pretty much the same as colgate. According to the museum of failure they did. When the news reported on their exhibit, which contains a box for Colgate beef, Lasagna, Colgate called the museum to complain, saying that nobody at the company could recall such a product ever being produced. Director of Corporate Communications for Colgate, Paul Molliv told Prospect Magazine, quote, there was no Colgate Lasagna. The product image shown in the link, you provided was something made up by the museum to illustrate something that never existed.

When I researched this question years ago, I found no evidence of Colgate Itch and Entrez. And quote, also there's nothing wrong with our microplastics. They're awesome. Yeah. But the reporters at the prospect actually disagreed. Quote,

this television age magazine profile of Colgate-Palmol from 1966 mentions that in 1961, a man named George Henry Lash became the new chairman and president of the company. This expansion being his main task, the article reads, quote, a line of dry chicken and grapple entrees under a Colgate kitchen label was introduced

and quickly withdrawn. An apple chip called snapples had been tested often on over a two year period and one or two other food items are at various stages. And quote. And if the dried chicken and crab meat doesn't sell, we can always turn into a delightful cat soda. Exactly.

Right. It continues quote, why wouldn't they just change the food, the name of the food part of the company? Yes, maybe like other stuff. Yep, you can have other names if we're food. Yeah, people over here. It continues quote, these same chicken and crab meat entrees are referred to more specifically in a weekly digest from the American Institute of Food Distribution, which in 1966 claimed that a range of five products were test-marketed

in 1964, but only in Manusid Wisconsin. And then, we're withdrawn a year later. When presented with this smoking gun, deapaza, that's the guy that said they weren't real earlier replied, quote, where are you headed with this? An article for whom? Before physics and communications and saying, there was a period in our history when Colgate Paul Molliv was a conglomerate

with a very diverse array of businesses, including a number of food companies. And quote, that's the thing you did not, so if you had to summarize what you've learned in one sentence, what would it be? The Colgate Crab conspiracy goes all the way to the top. To the top. Dumbass. All right, and are you ready for the quits?

Ready for part three. All right, Eli, we did not spend nearly enough time shitting on a golf. Why not? Hey, well, we would run the risk of insulting golfers who would chase us down with a series of piss-filled metal sticks while wearing stupid fucking pants. who would chase us down with a series of piss-filled metal sticks while wearing stupid fucking pants.

Or be because there is no sufficiently poetic and vitriolic combination of words in any language that has ever been written or assembled that can possibly come close to conveying how much golf sucks. It's so relaxing. I don't like it. You're wrong. You're just wrong about what you like. I don't like being outside. Cecil, thoughts on golf? I got a different question. All right. Okay. Yeah.

What's the best tasting dental food item? A. Graham Cracker Crest. B. Holanday's floss. C. Excellent. Creama brush room soup. Wardee. Whitening strip steaks. I gotta give that one to Graham cracker crest.

Maybe? Yeah, sure. Okay, you sure do think. Awesome. All right, so Eli, you just said that the question of branding led you to quote, our final three failures on this week's show. And then you only added two more things and then the essay ended. This is because the attempt at a math based episode used up all your counting skills for the month. You exist on some seventh dimensional plane where things come

last least several times in a row. The last three things are sometimes only two things, and you need to be periodically reintroduced to shows that you're already on. See, I was a Traffin Medorian for some reason. Yeah, that's it. So it goes. See, the final failure was such a fucking failure

that failed to even make it on the show, or D, you were making a meta commentary about how this quiz segments formatting is the final failure of the episode. Well, the first two were too truthful and true. So I'm going to go with D. That that one where I'm sorry. It is D. That is what you meant. I'm an e-reader. It was you forgot. I'm a D reader. I'm a D reader. Okay. He like, what's the best line of sports equipment for shitting during the game? Hey, Blunder Armor. The Reebok dumps.

Two girls one cup. Gotta give that one to Reebok dumps. Reebok dumps all the way. No, I'm sorry, it was clearly two girls one. Obviously myself. All right, so it looks like our winner this week is he. All right, next week, let's hear some information from Thomas. All right. Well, for Cecil, he's Eli and who's the other guy, Tom. I love you too, Noah. That's great. Yep, yep.

I'm trying to get it. All right, well, for Cecil, Eli great. Yep, yep, I'm trying to get it. Alright, well for Cecil Eli, he the top I'm Noah, thank you for hanging out with us today. Thank you for hanging out with us today. We'll be back next week and by then, Tom's gonna be an expert on something else between now and then you can check out all of our other shows where you check out our other shows and if you wanna help keep this show going, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com, so that's a citation pod pod or leave a five star review everywhere you can. If you wanna get in touch with us, check out past episodes, connect with us on social media, or check the show notes, be sure to check out citation pod.com.

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