Citation Needed - Human Greetings and Congratulation Rituals

Episode Date: September 11, 2024

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Handshake   A handshake is a globally widespread, brief greeting or parting tradition in which two people grasp one of each other's hands, and in most cases, it is accompanied by a brief up-and-down movement of the grasped hands. Customs surrounding handshakes are specific to cultures. Different cultures may be more or less likely to shake hands, or there may be different customs about how or when to shake hands.[1][2][3]   https://www.youtube.com/live/R3skyySEOuE?si=ryqPaI2LJ0Mgv4HR    

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you have questions or concerns about your gambling or someone close to you Please contact connects Ontario at 1-866-531-2600 to speak to an advisor free of charge bet MGM operates pursuant to an operating agreement with iGaming Ontario Hey moms looking for some light-hearted guidance on this crazy journey We call parenting join me Sabrina Kohlberg and me me, Andi Mitchell, for Pop Culture Moms. Where each week we talk about what we're watching. And examine our favorite pop culture moms up close to try to pick up some parenting hacks along the way. Come laugh, learn, and grow with us as we look for the best tips. And maybe a few what not to do's from our favorite fictional moms. From Good Morning America and ABC Audio.

Pop Culture Moms. Find it wherever you get your podcasts. Hey everybody, Cecil here, jumping in before we get started. The Cetacean Needed crew is going to be having a fundraiser, the Humanists for Harris, which is going to be taking place on the 21st of September, 8 p.m. Eastern, 7 p.m. Central. For that fundraiser, we are going to be going live for two hours on YouTube, and we are gonna be covering, essentially giving the Citation Needed treatment, the introduction to Project 2025. So we are gonna read that and interject

like we would any other script on Citation Needed. So we'd love to see you show up to hang out and be involved in that live stream, which again will be happening on September 21st at 8 p.m. Eastern Time. Now, if you were planning on perhaps donating $1,000 or more to the Harris Walls campaign already and would like to be included in our matches we would love to hear from you and include you with the other people who have already pledged to be a matching donation for others as it stands right now we have thirteen thousand dollars in matching donations and we can certainly use more so if you are interested in

being a matching donor you can send us a message at citation pod at gmail.com and I will get back to you to make sure that you understand all the ins and outs of that. We'd love to have people line up beforehand for matches. So if you are interested, be sure to reach out to us and be sure to come donate hangout. Live citation needed September 21st, 8 p.m. Eastern time. All right, here's the show. Hello and welcome to Citation Needed, the podcast where we choose a subject, read a single article about it on Wikipedia and pretend we're experts because this is the internet

and that's how it works now. I'm Noah and I've been designated with the deceptively difficult task of doing the greeting in an episode about greetings. I'm so weirdly nervous that I'm gonna fuck it up. But to divert attention away from how poorly I'm doing I want to welcome in the handshake high five and fist bump of the podcast Cecil, Eli and Tom. I've been known as firm but not too strong so I'll take it. I'll take that. Yeah. And I'm hopeful but never cool no matter how hard you try so I get it. I'm saying I get it. And I have actually

been banned at my place of work from both the high five and fist bump. I'm actually only allowed to get into the position and hold and let the other guy come to me. Sure. Yep. It's like anal. It's like anal. It is. It's like a decided. It's like Yeah, it's a true story though. I'm not allowed to high-five or fist bump. I'm not surprised at all After he punched after he punched Linda in accounting. I was like no more of that. No more of that There's probably someone's job to be like hey, there's this guy who works here He can't do a soft touch you remember Lenny from like that get the door get the door everybody knew it was gonna happen all right so before we get started I want to take a second to thank our patrons and

since Heath's not here I can go ahead and say this you ever notice how Heath refuses to thank you patrons at the beginning of the show? That's because he doesn't think you're generous enough. So if you want to earn Heath's thanks, it looks like you'll have to be a patron a little bit harder. And if you'd like to learn how, be sure to stick around to the end of the show. And with that out of the way, tell us, Eli, what person plays Think Concept Phenomenon or event we'll be talking about today? Human greetings and congratulations rituals.

Call me crazy, I thought we were the only species with congratulations rituals. So Cecil, you've been being greeted your whole damn life in preparation for this episode. Are you ready to finally make it happen? I am shaking with anticipation. Yes, all right. So first of all, how do we wind up on this topic? Okay

So when I sit down to write for citation needed I often look at the date that the episode will go live to the wide audience Because the patrons get the show two days earlier I look at the date in history and I can normally add a paragraph about how This thing happened exactly X number of years ago and I could get one paragraph down it's like 20 something more to write. And when I looked at the date September 11th I just couldn't find anything that really caught my interest so I decided to look at a list of funny Wikipedia articles that I collected throughout the years. One particular one caught my eye. High

fives. When I checked the article, I saw it was far too short to write an entire episode, but so worth it that I found other things that are like high fives and included them as a preamble. So I decided to do human greetings and congratulations rituals, which doesn't sound weird at all

and definitely wouldn't be something that Senator Ted Cruz would have to read all the time to remind himself what actual human customs are. It's got a real grumbled sweaty piece of paper and JD Vance's hand in a donut shop. You'll do it. Thanks for addressing it. He's got like, say hello nicely written in frosting on his cheek. You know, hello nicely. Some of the glazed, whatever makes sense.

Whatever makes sense. Fuck me. Why the fuck do I have a dog's haircut? It's so weird. Yes, he's like, yes. He's so weird. He's got his anal glands on the back of his head. He's rubbing it across the carpet.

Honestly, if he had gotten in there and scooted back and forth, it would have been less off putting than what he did. He picks up every doughnut and just smells the whole like as hard as he can. He just hops the whole. So let's start with handshakes. What is a handshake? Great question. It is nothing at all like a milkshake. Young Noah found out that the hard way and Stumpy still hasn't forgiven me.

Here's what the aliens that write Wikipedia say, quote, a handshake is a globally widespread brief greeting or parting tradition in which two people grasp one of each other's hands, and in most cases, it's accompanied by a brief up and down movement of the grasped hands. Customs surrounding handshakes are specific to cultures. Different cultures may be more or less likely to shake hands, or there may be different customs about how or when to shake hands."

End quote. I feel like the up and down has gone out of style. Yeah. I feel like if someone did the up and down with me in this day and age, I would definitely assume I was about to get a tango spin. No question, right? Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Eli, when you shake hands, you just grasp and hold like a soaking Mormon?

Yeah! What the fuck? Yeah, yeah. Yeah. You just kind of vibrate a little bit. Yeah, exactly. It's the vibration. You just enough vibration. Yeah.

I'm going to up and down next time I see you. It's fucking crazy. I shake hands all the time. There's a small movement. You shake hands with strangers. Now when we talk about the history of the handshake, there is a possibility that this gesture actually originated in prehistory.

In this section, the hard-nosed Wikipedia editors reject an article from history.com about the history of the handshake, claiming that they need to cite a better source. But in that article, it is suggested that the handshake originated as a way to show that you had nothing in your hand like a weapon, and you were therefore, at least for the time being, peaceful. Another suggestion here is that the handshake originated as a as a pact or oath and this would be the symbol of that both. Yeah, I've always felt like the idea that it began to signify you had no weapon, like was kind of bullshit macho, red in tooth and claw paleo man nonsense.

Right? Like chimpanzees shake hands and they use it for the same social purposes we do. Something tells me they're not telling each other they're not palming a ninja star when they do it. Yeah. Also, is the only place you can keep a weapon is like always in your hand. Like does the author think we're all built like G.I. Joe toys? There's a stone relief image from the ninth century B.C.E. of the Assyrian king,

Shalmaneser the third, shaking the hand of Babylonian King Marduk Zakir Shumi I. Another stone relief image shows Hera and Athena shaking hands in a 5th century Greek carving. I want to leave this next piece in, in its entirety, quote, depictions of handshakes also appear in archaic Greek, Etruscan, and Roman funerary and non-funerary art." Damn straight. Oh, hey, look everybody, the Etruscans are back. Hey, did you know they invented a handshake so complicated it still can't be shaken to this day?

That's not fair. Exactly. Do you think you're so superior to the Etruscans just because they're old? My 48 year old self would be sympathetic to him one way or the other. So sure, we used to do this all the time, but we still do this all the time. So why do we do it today? Well, we do when we meet someone, greet them and leave them.

We do it as a way of offering our congratulations. We also do it as a way to seal a business deal or some other kind of agreement between parties. Often after sporting events, it's a way for both sides to come together after the contest as a sign of good sportsmanship. Wiki says, quote, if it is done to form an agreement, the agreement is not official until the hands are parted." End quote. What? Okay. Next time I sign a contract, I'm holding on while I do follow up questions as a power mode, just like, sorry, real quick about these terms

and conditions. I had two guys still gripping hands, standing together in court in front of the judge. Uh, you can clearly see there's no contract yet established, your honor. I've not let go. We are still in the pre-contract. He's been dragging me all over the place. Period here. Let's talk about how they shake hands in other parts of the world. We all know that in English-speaking countries of the world, handshaking is common and that guys shake hands

more than women do. Although I'd be really interested to hear from our non-binary listeners on if they handshake or not. It should be noted that women in our societies do shake hands more frequently in business situations. Wikipedia says, quote, in the United States, United Kingdom and Canada, a traditional handshake is firm, executed with the right hand, with good posture and eye contact. A handshake where both parties are standing up is deemed good etiquette." End quote. I was so confused as a kid by all this firm handshake bullshit, right?

Like trying to prove my manliness by squeezing everybody's hand like I was trying to pop it. Yes. Spending a lot of time in my life in sales, it is weird how many people don't know the difference between firm and vice-like. Like what fresh hell must jerking off be for these guys? Came off again! God damn it!

No damn it! No wonder Heath isn't here. I was planning on writing out a step-by-step on how a handshake is performed, but I thought I would instead ask ChatGPT to do it. So I asked it to give me a guide on the American handshake. And this is what it said, quote, in America, a handshake is a common greeting that conveys confidence and respect. To do it properly, approach the other person with a smile and eye contact, extending your

right hand when you're a few feet away. A few feet? Hey Chris, is Bill walking at me with his hand extended from a fucking basketball shot away right now? Position your hand, continuing the quote, position your hand so that your thumb is pointing upward and your pinky finger is pointing downward, keeping your palm facing to the side.

Well, I don't see that your palm has any other fucking choice at that point. How the hell, I would challenge you to do that. It really doesn't, it really doesn't. And continuing the quote, as your hands meet, clasp them so that the web of your hand, the notch between your thumb and forefinger, fits snugly against the other person's.

Grip firmly, but not too tightly. I will throw up on you. If I feel the web of your hand touch the notch of my thumb and forefinger, I will vomit on you like a vulture. Do you hear me? Continue the quote and shake hands with a smoothly controlled up and down motion once or twice. Or ask a friend to jump on the bed and bounce you around while you make hard eye contact.

Mormons just shake by holding hands and somebody just shakes their shoulders from behind. Okay, continue the quote. Throughout the handshake, maintain eye contact and accompany the gesture with a friendly greeting such as, nice to meet you or good to see you. After a brief moment, release the hand and continue your conversation. That's the end of the quote. Now, I did not mention this, but I would add here that handshakes start down. The first action of a handshake is to lift up. Agree or disagree?

Ooh, agree. But new power move. Start way down and act like the other guys doing a weird thing. Or or you just try to go down when he goes up and then up when he goes down. Yeah, right. Just try to. No, no, no. I think we should start a lateral trend. I think there should be a side to side motion.

Yeah, what you need is adapt, Tom, because they do a lot of that in the back. Never, nope. Okay. Don't get me started on the adapt. Wikipedia next mentions that Austrians shake hands when they meet, but they also shake hands with children, absolute monsters.

It explains Hitler, honestly. Honestly, if I had been five and someone had been like, nice to meet you, I'd have been like, oh, I'm killing all the Jews. I'm killing all the Jews. I don't know why, but that made me want to kill all the Jews. The next bullet says that in the Netherlands and Belgium, handshakes are done more often,

but they don't specify what they're done more often than. Evidently in Denmark, when someone is becoming a citizen, they finalize the naturalization process with a handshake where the new citizen shakes hands with a Danish official and this is, quote, specifically required, gloves may not be worn, end quote. Well, of course gloves can't be worn. They're like, all right, well, I didn't think we had to make a fucking rule about this, guys, but no scrubbing in before you have to touch foreign people, okay?

LAUGHTER If you're Russian, handshakes are normally done by men, and women rarely shake hands. But if you're in Switzerland, then you would actually be expected to shake a woman's hand first. In many countries in the Middle East, a firm handshake is actually rude, so they use a much lighter grip. You hear that, Tom? I'm Middle Eastern.

You're a jelly-handed monster is what you are. That's true. I am. Moroccans give a light handshake like this, but they also air kiss as they press their cheek up against the other person of the same gender. They do not actually touch their lips to the other person unless they're related. Yeah, Heath has the same policy. Jesus Christ. In China, the has the same policy. Jesus Christ.

In China, the most important thing to consider is age. You should always greet older people first and then, I guess, just work your way down with younger people as you go. In China, they say a weak handshake is the preferred shake. And I guess they hold onto the hands for much longer than we do because they listed here as an extended period. Three to five business days. American women love it when you play guess their age. This would be a well received tradition here. It's a go great.

In Japan it's far more common to bow to each other as a greeting, but hand position is important here too. You need to bow to each other as a greeting, but hand position is important here too. You need to bow with your hands open at your sides. If you visit Japan, it might be a person that just wants to shake your hand, but you always have to wait until the Japanese person initiates the handshake. And like China, Japanese prefer weak handshake. Yeah, leave it to American Wikipedia to categorize everyone in the world hates how we shake hands as a weak handshake.

All this sounds like handshakes need a lot more foreplay than I'm willing to put it. I'm not listening to your handshake dreams. Koreans wait until the older person initiates the contact. Again, this handshake is not firm, but you are expected to grab the right arm with your left arm while the handshake is happening. I'm going to need more clarity on where on the arm I'm supposed to grab. I don't really know what's very inscriptive. I'm going to make this weird. What do you mean Gucci goo? Stop that. They make it a point to mention that you should not put your other hand in your pocket while

you shake hands because that's disrespectful. They end all those very specific rules with an offhand comment that you probably should bow there anyway since that's the preferred method greeting. Yeah, except in North Korea where you shake parasites instead of hands. Thailand has its own greeting called the why. This is a bow while placing your hands together at chest height in front of you. If the why is not offered, then you can initiate a handshake. In India, they do something similar called the namaste gesture, which would be the common

greeting but in business situations, it's common to default to a handshake. Yeah. In America, we use this gesture to communicate that you haven't washed your genitals in a month. No, and I do appreciate those folks volunteering their way out of the handshake for everybody. Yeah. There are some areas of Africa where the handshake lasts as long as the conversation. Oh my God, I would jump right off a fucking cliff.

This is a form of keeping others out of the conversation. Oh my God, I would jump right off a fucking cliff. This is a form of keeping others out of the conversation. It is rude to just join into a conversation when two people are actively engaged in talking and holding hands in the shaking hands position. I would genuinely rather spend a conversation in the other person's fucking lap than form whatever primordial sweat soup between our palms that that would.

Oh, God no. I keep others out of my conversations the good old fashioned way by being deeply unpleasant to talk to. Yeah, what's wrong with that? Also, I'm gonna interrupt that conversation immediately. I'm gonna walk over. Hey guys, I noticed you've been shaking hands for one minute and 37 seconds.

Have you both been affected by some kind of wizard's curse? Because that's what I'm working with as a theory. The men of the Messiah touch palms, but Wikipedia describes it as a subtle touch. And it is very brief. In Liberia, men have three different shakes and a snap at the end. They start shaking hands traditionally, then they shift grip to the overhand after the first shake. This moves the thumb over the other person's thumb and over the back of their hand. After one more shake, then they shift grips again, releasing their grip and sliding their fingers along the other person's fingers letting that final grip linger for a second and then ending the

handshake with a snapping of the fingers as a final flourish. Fun fact when you google Liberia handshake the first video is some Liberians trying to teach a white guy for a full minute and then giving up when he nearly hurts himself. Fantastic. Left hand handshakes are uncommon. I guess unless you're carrying something or if you're otherwise unable to use your right hand, which must be really weird for lefties. Everything's weird for lefties Cecil.

In some parts of the world, it's downright rude to actually use the left for a handshake. In Ethiopia, it's considered rude and the left hand is actually used to clasp the right as you shake. And in Indonesia, they have a very specific hand for quote, unclean duties and that is the left. So they are, so it is considered rude to use that hand to shake. That's D-U-T-I-E-S. Yes. Yeah, duties.

Yeah. Also, can I say, don't worry, I wipe my ass with the other hand, not the comfort they think it is. I'm not like, oh, well then put her there partner. One researcher at Israel's Wiseman Institute discovered that handshakes are a way for us to communicate social chemical signals to other shakers. Quote, it appears that there is a tendency to bring the shaken hands to the vicinity of the nose and smell them.

They may serve an evolutionary need to learn about the person whose hand was shaken, replacing a more overt sniffing behavior, as is common among animals and certain cultures, such as the Tulevu in Greenland or rural Mongolia, where a quick sniff is a part of the traditional breeding ritual." End quote. Okay. I find this instinctively doubtful, but I'm going to be hyper aware of it. Every time I shake hands with anybody for the rest of my fucking life, I'm

going to watch their hand and go, where your hand go. Podcast listener you know your assignment. Jesus Christ. I know this I'm like now you don't even want to smell my hand. Now you know. I don't even want to do it. I'm still going to. While the handshake is a nice gesture of friendship, it's also a spreader of germs from one person to another. And when you read this article, you might in fact reconsider all handshaking activity without some kind of protection. Here's the quote, quote, handshakes are known to spread a number of microbial pathogens. Certain diseases such as scabies, are known to spread most

frequently through direct skin-to-skin contact." Some researchers have found that there has been a drop-off in germ spreading when other forms of greetings were used. They suggest instead of shaking hands, one could fist bump, smile, wave, do a namaste gesture, raise your eyebrows, clap twice, place your hand over your heart, or flash a hang loose sign. Yeah, those same researchers also suggest that you have obsessive compulsive disorder. You do! You're the one!

Fun fact, the world record of hands shooken is 12,500 hands in 10 and a half hours, a record achieved in 1963. The longest handshake took place in 2009. The handshake lasted 15 hours, 30 minutes and 45 seconds. All right. Well, now that I know the lowest effort possible route into the Guinness record book, I need a break of 15 hours 30 minutes 46 seconds I guess but first we need a shorter one for a little apropos of

nothing. C'thagrius! We meet again, vile cur! You call me a cur, vile dog? I do, sir, for you have slain my brothers and stolen my sisters in your pathetic quest for war. Enough talk. I have come to speak of the treaty. Have you a blade? Nay, I come unarmed. Prove it to me. I trust you not.

Look with your eyes. I bear no sword. Perhaps your blade is concealed. Fine. Take you my hand and shake it. I'm sorry what? You know, sort of shake it, you know, up and down. See, there's no knives or what have you.

Oh, and in doing so, my hand shall be shaken as well, revealing the same. Indeed, yes, and you know, when it is all over, I shall say you didn't squeeze hard enough, and that makes you a gay. You're the one who's gay. No, you are. You guys both seem a gay. You're the one who's gay. No, you are! You guys both seem pretty gay. Chris, don't interrupt! Sorry. And we're back when we last left off. Cecil was trying to make my interactions with listeners at our upcoming live shows even

more uncomfortable than my crippling anxiety already does. Thank you. They're going to sniff their hands so hard. I know. I know. They're going to huff their, you're going to huff my hand and then they're going to give me scabies. You're at least good for the Boston show. You're at least good for the, this will release after the Boston show. They're gonna huff my hand and then they're gonna give me scabies.

You're at least good for the Boston show. You're at least good for the Boston show. This will release after the Boston show. So you're at least good there. Okay. So they could still give me scabies though. So okay, so what's next? It was fun meeting Noah.

Why did he stare at me so hard for 10 to 12 seconds after I shook his hand? So we talked before the break about variations on a theme of handshaking, very specifically avoiding germs. There are other forms of hand touching that are used for similar purposes, but not actually shaking hands. There are classifications of handshakes that are more complex than just shaking hands and thus have their own category, so let's explore these. Oh yes. First up is the Dap, which is like a handshaking ritual. It has a lot of parts and these are known to the group executing the handshake. These can be complex with hand slaps or snaps and different hand holding positions. A common one is like the Liberian handshake that I mentioned earlier without the snapping.

Often these will incorporate fist bumps or quick half hugs with slaps on the back. These originate in African-American culture and Wikipedia suggests that they're actually a handshake and ritual born in the Vietnam War. You will often see complex versions in the NBA and Wikipedia says, quote, these choreographed actions serve as a means of psychological preparation and team solidarity. End quote. Oh my God. Seriously.

And without hyperbole, nothing in the world makes me feel more panicky than even the faintest hint that someone wants to do one of these fucking multi-step handshakes. I fucking hate them all. They are terrifying to a one of these fucking multi-step handshakes. I fucking hate them all. They are terrifying to a one. I have avoided, this is true, I have avoided making friends with people just and only because I have seen them doing dap things across the room with other people and I am so certain

that they will immediately sniff me out as tragically and permanently uncool that I will refuse to engage their very social spaces to avoid this. Is this why you squished someone's hand and there's a rule about you touching? Is this why you saw someone do a dapp and then he walked over to you and you were like, oh, no, he frustrates all the dappers because he holds so hard they can't move it to the second position. They're like stuck in that one position.

You're here with me in time. No one can interrupt us. Now I move on to the fist bump, which has the greatest animated gift on a Wikipedia page I have ever seen. This is also called the bro fist, a power five, a spud or a safe. Okay. I'm sorry. Calling a fist bump a power five. That is the most white guy thing that ever white guy. I never heard of it before. I wrote it down.

I seriously have never heard that before the Wikipedia page. It might be there as a joke. I have no idea. After the pandemic, we have also culturally developed the elbow bump as you would be much less inclined to put your elbow near your own orifices after touching someone else's elbow and possibly spreading germs. Can't sniff that. Sniffing it right now. No, you're not. It's physically impossible. You can't. So I guess. I'm literally doing it right now behind my microphone. She's not like an idiot. You're not doing that Fists that bump can either be knuckles up or knuckles to the outside of your body oriented vertically But you would probably never fist bump knuckles down anyway, so it doesn't matter unlike the handshake which favors the right hand This bumps are ambidextrous

I like to initiate a fist bump and then when someone goes for it I cover their hand with mine and I say paper comes across. It's a good way to like Break the ice for sure. Establish dominance. Yeah fist bump history and then I sniff the fuck out of my head Actually as they go for the fist bump I lift their fist to my nose and smell it as hard as I can. That's power. That's a good one. That's a power move.

That's a good one. That's what JD Vance does, actually, when he shakes hands. Yeah. Why, he was so nervous. He wasn't allowed to sniff the fist. Fist bump history is supposedly rooted in boxers touching gloves before a match. I guess it's also common for dart players to do the same ritual as they hold their darts in their hand pointed toward the ground. Okay, but our players know they don't always have to hold their. Yeah, that's true.

I mean, I guess, yeah. And I think I know a dart player that knows that. No, an NBA player in the 1970s, Fred Carter also popularized the gesture. Some people suggest that the wonder twins, a cartoon duo that were part of the 1970s Hanna Barbera cartoon, the super friends also popularized this bumping as they did this as they activated their superpowers. Humans are not the only creatures to fist bump as this behavior has also been observed in chimpanzees. Nice. But I will say if this bumps actually came from the wonder twins, they'd be done

with a blue monkey in between them about one time and now we finally arrive to the point of this week's show. The epic grandeur that is the Wikipedia article on high fives. I love it so much. It's so fucking amazing. If I'm serious after this episode is over, just go to the high five Wikipedia and just read it. It is amazing. The high five originated from the low five,

which is where one person holds their hand about waist height, palm up, and encourage the other person to lightly slap their palm down with the other person's open palm. The high five takes this gesture to a totally new and mind boggling level as the five E holds their hand high in the air, palm facing their partner, encouraging the fiver

to slap the hand midair. The low five gesture was common in African American communities since the 1920s and the high five variation can be linked to women's volleyball in the 1960s or we could just take magic Johnson's word that he invented it in college. According to NBC also magic Johnson claims who've had sex with 600 women a year and sometimes six women at one time. And I don't know shit about a sports career, but I'm a hundred percent on board with the Nick. Oh shit. Right. Magic Johnson. Hey Tom, don't Google anything else about magic Johnson. Okay. I really don't

want to ruin this for you. He's just a cool dude. A lot of super chill? Is he super chill? He was super cool, and that behavior worked out great. Okay, Tom? It was a chill and cool time. In the 80s. In the 80s. So wait a minute. Oh, shit. There's a news story in the Wikipedia article on the origin of the high five

that links to a home run by Dusty Baker. And here it is immortalized in print quote, it was a wild triumphant moment and a good omen as the Dodgers headed to the playoffs Burke waiting on deck thrust his hand enthusiastically over his head to greet his friend at the plate. Baker not knowing what to do smacked it. His hand was up in the air and he was arching way back, says Baker. So I reached up and hit his hand. It seemed like the thing to do, end quote. This is what happens when we're afraid to kiss our bros,

people, we invent a high five. All right, this sounds way more like a news reporter seeing something that had been around for a while for the first time and just thinking it was new. Or is it, oh, there seems to be some kind of celebratory hand TP. I better write that down. A posterity over here.

Magic Johnson and Wilt Chamberlain chime in. Hey, we invented the Eiffel Tower and no one's writing about it on Wikipedia. This is a gesture. A high five itself requires a little coordination and can sometimes end in social disaster. A high five participant can sometimes think the other person is going for a fist bump and can result in a abandoned high five or a fist handshake abomination.

There is so fraught there is why the DAP is so fraught. I won't. OK, there is a video that is a one and a half minutes of NASA engineers high-fiving each other and they are having differing grades of success. Let me just leave it at this. Podcast listener, if you have ever wanted a video of nothing but people so unathletic that they had no choice but to become rocket scientists, it is this video. Most of them are, there's that one guy who keeps grabbing every high five and he's shaking them all and he's, obviously he's making them all look bad. This video is 90 seconds of all of my DAP fears realized over and over. This is, I wouldn't be in this room.

Thomas is standing in the corner fuming. He's like, I can't be friends with any of these people. There are variations on a theme. You can do what they refer to as the air five or the wireless high five or a Y five, if you will, which is holding your hands up away from the other person and the other participant and then mocking the motion without actually touching.

Listener, the entire point of this episode was for Cecil to get a chance to call that a Y5. That was the entire, he's trying to make that work. And you know what? It was worth it. I'm glad that we did it. I'm glad we did it. I'm glad we did it everybody. Podcast over. All right. People also double high fives, so slapping both hands above their head. Or they can do what's called a back end Which is after a double high five while holding their hands together swing their arms down Into that down position and they slap their hands at the bottom with a clap Yeah, that is a move only acceptable when performed after a shirtless volleyball game with your two best friends This brings me to the greatest series of pictures on Wikipedia.

This is a masterpiece in 4x, the four panel images of the Too Slow High Five. This series of pictures starts out with two jubilant participants in a single high five. The prankster on the left is playing along and the enthusiastic dupe is Very excited to be included in this ritual The second panel is the prankster holding their hand at waist height With their hand in the normal five position asking the dupe for a down low the dupe holds their hand in Triumphant if not a little too cocky position, ready to

complete the down low five. It's going so well so far. Genuinely the look on their faces is so perfect. It's so perfect. So this is where podcast listener, these photos take a dark turn in the third panel depicting the victim missing. The prankster had pulled their hand away and the look of hurt and shock on the dupes face in this panel is Oscar worthy. The last panel is the best panel. The last panel is amazing.

The best panel. The last panel is amazing. It's two participants, one triumphantly mocking the other for missing his hand, and the dupe staring crestfallen at the camera wondering why God has forsaken them. This panel also has a caption, too slow, and it shows the prankster exhibiting the ultimate mockery after this horrible act, pointing at the dupe with double finger guns. And if you click on the picture and look at the enlarged part, you see the entire caption in a parenthetical that can only be described as glorious. The full caption reads, too slow and then in parentheses, with finger guns.

Okay. with finger guns. OK, but the best part is that these people who uploaded these photos accidentally did it to the Creative Commons. So this photo, now that it's on Wikipedia, is going to live far longer than anything else these people do. Oh, yeah. Aliens are going to use this photo to explain too slow to the AI that absorbs our collective consciousness. All right, so Cecil, if you had to summarize what you've learned in one sentence, what would it be?

Even after this detailed analysis, Ted Cruz would still fuck this up. Yeah, you know he's listening to this episode, right? He's probably has a Google alert on human re-engraving tools. He's taking a lot of notes this up. Yeah, you know, he's listening to this episode, right? He probably has a Google alert on human. A lot of rituals. You know, yeah. Are you ready for the quiz? High five. All right, Cecil, having spent years in sales and with attorneys and other executive types shaking hands, I've learned a few things such as, hey, to avoid having your hand crushed

by an overzealous Yahoo at the point you grasp hands, extend your index finger forward so it's parallel to the wrist of the other person without touching their wrist with your finger. This orients your hand in such a way that no matter how bro-squeezy they are, it will not hurt your hand in the slightest. Wow, that's interesting. That's a fun fact. I'll try every time. Yeah.

B, if someone believes they are important and you need them to believe that you also believe they are important. Rise to shake their hand when they enter the room. If you are seated, arrogant pricks will eat this shit up. I believe that, yeah. C, women in the workplace are often hugged rather than handshaken. If you are to shake hands rather than presume to hug them,

they will almost always notice and appreciate it even if they do ask later that you hug them. Or D, even seeing other people dap instantly causes a pocket protector to appear on my person from thin air. I'm gonna go with secret answer E all the above. Damn you guessed it again. Yeah he's so good at that. All right, Cecil, when Trump first assumed the presidency, he made a habit of doing that thing where you jerk somebody forward when you shake their hand and you throw them off balance.

Trump starts, pulls back. So we start up, he goes back. Yeah, exactly, exactly. It's a stupid show of social dominance. And then Justin Trudeau put an end to that shit by just grasping Trump's shoulder as he shook his hand and neutered his weak ass little old man pole. That's so funny.

I thought he was gonna pull his shoulder out. It was fucking amazing. Oh, it was beautiful. It was fucking beautiful. Because it took him a second to figure out what was happening. Yeah, right, right. You're falling down.

So now obviously that was beautiful. What is another great way of counteracting Trump's efforts to yank you around while shaking his hand? A. Refuse to touch Donald Trump preferably by going, ew, when he shakes his hands up. Yes, that's a good way. Again, just follow Melania's lead. Yeah, right. Yeah.

Oh, shit. B. Joy buzzer, but like the one that Joker had in Timania's lead. Yeah, right. Yeah. Oh, shit. B, Joy Buzzer, but like the one that Joker had in Tim Burton's Batman. Remember that one? I remember that one. C, exaggerate how hard he pulled you and just fall into him with all of your might. Oh, that's amazing.

Break his hip right there. Oh, I'm sorry, you yanked me like some kind of stupid asshole and here I am now. Fucking ACL is out now, fucker. Or D. Slamanked me like some kind of stupid asshole. And here I am now. Fucking ACL is out now. Fucker. Or D. Slammed into you like a tackling dummy. Or D.

Reach out like you're going to shake. But at the last second, you whip out a recently used pocket pussy. You stick it on his hand and you go, no, it's OK. You're famous. You're allowed to do that. Yeah. The very part is that it's recently. You're famous. You're allowed It's recently used

Oh, I want to say all I want to say all the above, but I'm gonna go with the D Amazing Alright Cecil you covered a lot of greetings on this episode, but you missed a few essential ones. What's my favorite human greeting? A. The hug shake, where one person thinks you're hugging friends and the other person thinks you're handshake friends. You instantly hug someone with their hand in between the two of you, like a desperate, defensive probiscus just Trying to keep you back

Amazing be he the Christian side. Christian side hug is amazing. Yes See the gay fear triple slap bro hug Or D He's saying go Yankees to anyone in a Yankees hat and being looked at like a crazy person Every fucking yeah, I don't believe D at all. I don't believe that I believe it is be the Christian side hook being looked at like a crazy person every fucking time. I don't believe D at all. I don't believe that. I believe it is B, the Christian side hook.

Oh, I'm afraid it's secret answer E, all of the above. Oh man. Oh, they're all his favorite. All right, well, I guess you are the winner this week, Eli. All right, I want a Tom essay next week. All right, well, for Cecil, Eli, Tom, and often Heath, I'm Noah, thanking you for hanging out with us today. We'll be essay next week. All right. Well, for Cecil, Eli, Tom and often Heath, I'm Noah. Thank you for hanging out with us today. We'll be back next week.

And by then, Tom will be an expert on something else between now and then. You can hear more from us on various shows such as Cognitive Dissonance, D&D Minus, Dear Old Dad's, God awful movies and Lawful Assembly, among others didn't even get to the S's. And if you'd like to help keep this show going, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com Citation pod or leave a five star review everywhere you can. And if you'd like to get in touch with us, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash CitationPod or leave a five star review everywhere you can. And if you'd like to get in touch with us, check out past episodes, connect with us on social media or check the show notes. Be sure to check out citationpod.com. Hey moms, looking for some lighthearted guidance on this crazy journey we call parenting?

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