Citation Needed - Isabella of France

Episode Date: January 31, 2024

Isabella of France (c. 1295 – 22 August 1358), sometimes described as the She-Wolf of France (French: Louve de France), was Queen of England as the wife of King Edward II, and de facto regent of England from 1327 until 1330. She was the youngest surviving child and only surviving daughter of Philip IV of France and Joan I of Navarre. Isabella was notable in her lifetime for her diplomatic skills, intelligence, and beauty. She overthrew her husband, becoming a "femme fatale" figure in plays and literature over the years, usually portrayed as a beautiful but cruel and manipulative figure.

Hello and welcome to Citation Needed, the podcast where we choose a subject, read a single article about it on Wikipedia and pretend we're experts, because this is the internet, and that's how it works now. I'm your host, Noah Lusions, and I'm going to be the sovereign this week, but to do that, I'll need a royal court, so also joining me today are the Chancellor, the Jester, and the groom of the stool, Cecil Tom and Eli. The Chancellor of a comedy show needs to be both sarcastic and stochastic And the gesture means that I am now officially the funny one fuck you Eli. Oh

Means I wore this poop to pay for no reason All right, so before we get going I want to remind listeners how expensive it is to repeatedly reattach a penis that has been ripped off during masturbation. I'm not going to say who needed that surgery again because I don't want to embarrass Heath. But if you'd like to help cover his costs, be sure to stick around to the end of the show, learn how to be a patron, and with that out of the way, tell us Cecil, what person placed in concept phenomenon or event will we be talking about today? Are you talking about Queen Isabella of France? And Tom, you read the article or if you were keeping with the theme, you had to scroll

right out to you by the royal crier. Are you ready to regale us? Get ready to hear me, hear me, Noah. All right, so tell us, Tom, I don't know, if I had some random autobiographical nugget that ambushes the point when you least expect it. All right, well, when I was in school and learning about medieval history, I was very much the anti-seesal and Noah. You hated smoking. And had very short hair about it.

Half right. Look, I wanted to be fascinated by the tales of knights and battles and political intrigue, but I was too easily distracted by, literally, anything else to pay attention long enough to commit to memory the difference between one Edward versus another or recall the outcome of some grim battle long ago decided on soil we've turned into a kebab stand. So I admit here with this story that I am a bit out of my depth. But when Haley, my lovely wife and co-host to the Talking Ship podcast, turned me on to Queen Isabella of France, I knew that this was a story worth taking an Adderall to learn. So sit back, relax, and let me weave you a tale of the medieval queen who deposed her own husband

to rule as the regent of England. Tom, if you want to plug your new podcast, you can just do that. You don't, you don't have to pretend that Haley cares about you. Cecil's got a new podcast, but you don't see him mentioning it. Well, actually, I was hoping we could probably talk not now, Cecil. All right. Not now. Lawful assembly.

You can check it out anywhere, partner. Cecil's a Christian now. Is that a lawful pod? All right. Our story begins in 1295. Probably. Yeah, since it was the 13th century and Europe was still very much wrapped in the cloak of the Dark Ages,

the record keeping here, not great. But a bunch of historians have settled on 1295 as likely being the birth Europe for our heroine. So we're gonna go with it. Isabella was the daughter of King Philip IV of France and Queen Joan I of Navarre, the monarchs of the most powerful royal family in Europe. As was the standard of the time,

the purpose of having those kids for royal families was to use them as a kind of political currency, marrying them off as soon as possible to cement relationships between nations or to salve over political wounds and avoid war. And Isabella was very much not the exception. She was raised to be wed. And so she spent her very early years being educated, a standard which was not actually standard for women at the time, but which was necessary to prepare Isabella for her upcoming nuptials. Sitting in her room praying, please don't piss off Italy. Please don't piss off Italy.

What we now would call Italy would have in the late 13th century been a menagerie of smaller states including Tuscany, Naples, the Papal States. Boonert. Boonert. Well forgive me for smoking and having long hair. Also now. Now the rule at the time was that you couldn't marry off your daughter to a stranger until she had reached the ripe old age of 12. Still the rule. So the French royal family patiently waited until exactly the earliest possible moment before promising Isabella to be wed to Edward, the son of the king of England. Now, France and England, you will be shocked to note,

had beef at the time and it was hoped that the marriage between the two families would ease the conflict, though the actual marriage would take time while the two nations quibbled over the contract. The Pope actually played matchmaker, mediating the details of the contract between the two families,

but the tensions between the nations proved harder to resolve than anticipated, and the king attempted several times to break off the engagement when negotiations did not go his way. That wasn't until 1308, after the death of the old king and the coronation of Edward II when Isabella, nearing the old maid age of 13, was finally wed to the 24-year-old King Edward II, making her the Queen of England and about the same age as an eighth grader. So let's just take a moment here

and get some context on this situation. Edward II looked the part of the traditional Plantagenet King. He was athletic and well-built, but unlike the typical English king whose expected pursuits would include jousting and hunting and fighting in wars. Edward II preferred music, poetry and craft projects. Oh, and he strongly, strongly

preferred men. Which, if you think about it, is the manliest thing you can do. Hi, I'm Eli Bosnik and I'm trying to get your kid gay. Join me on an adventure. I know you can't get this show in Florida or some shit. Like, look, I know you're whole I'm Yulai Bosnik and I'm trying to get your kid gay. Join me on an adventure. I know you can't get this show in Florida or some shit. Like, look, I know your whole essay is going to be proving this wrong, but I feel at first like you're getting a gay husband is like rolling a net, 20 for a 13-year-old medieval alliance wife.

That's getting right. Exactly, yeah. At least for a minute. Now, I am going to try to be fair here. Not too fair, yeah. At least for a minute. Now, I am gonna try to be fair here, not too fair though. If you read the Wiki, they go through great pains to say that the rumors of Edward's alternative sexuality were never confirmed. And look, personally, I also prefer poetry and music

over war and sports. So I'm not saying one necessarily connotes the other, but the newly minted and married king was not exactly overjoyed when his middle school age bride made her way across the channel. Still not a point in the gay column, Tom. Just want to point that out. When Isabella arrived, Edward was too busy spending his time with Piers Gaviston, an, quote, arrogant, ostentatious soldier with a reckless and headstrong personality, end quote. Edward was in fact so distracted by the charming Gaviston that at Edward's own wedding celebration,

Edward chose to sit apart from Isabella so he could hang out with Piers. And he also gave all of Isabella's jewelry to Gavison. And Gavison wore that jewelry publicly to rub it in her face. And then Edward also refused to grant Isabella her own lands or household, despite both of those things being fairly customary. Isabella complained to her father

that Edward spent more nights in Gavison's bed than hers. And that Gavison was seated at Edward's side rather than Isabella at court. It actually took an intervention by the powerful French king before Edward began to provide more adequately for his new bride. And for her part, Isabella understood that she needed Gavison out of the picture if she was going to get pregnant, produce an heir, smooth out international relations and survive. So Isabella worked with her father, the French king, and a bunch of barons who were tired of Gavison's hanging on, along with the help of the matchmaking pope to have Gavison temporarily

exiled to Ireland. Now we just call that a layover on Erlingus. See, I don't think Erlingus was the problem of the marriage, Cecil. I don't think any Lingus was the problem. Now, once Gavison was out of the picture, suddenly Edward began to understand that he was the goddamn king of England and he was going to do need to do manly king stuff such as provide for his French wife. Wait, so they they sent him to Ireland for a time out?

for his French wife. Wait, so they sent him to Ireland for a timeout? Yeah, pretty much. Amazing. Because fairly quickly, Gavison returned from his brief exile and for a while at least, the three figured out how to coexist. And Isabella began to build support

at the court of her own, which she was desperately going to need. By the next year, for complicated reasons, only Noah would spend time explicating in any detail, England had fully descended into civil war, and both Edward and Isabella's lives were now very much in peril. Okay, if you're curious, dear listener,

it was called the Second Barons War, and it was a group of barons that wanted to force the king to have a council of barons, instead of just hand-picked lackeys. C-Soul, stop trying to raise an army of history nerds against Tom or I'll tell everyone your new podcast turns you Christian. You can have friends you disagree with, Eli. No, you can't.

Only Noah would put in that context. Come on. I have a partner in crime here. You do. The Wikipedia doesn't explicitly say... Not number top. I know we are. We are. I'm chugging along anyway though. I'm gonna get to the good stuff and skip all these detests.

You want me to do Carl? I can bring in Carl. Carl. Shit all over it. Alright, so the Wikipedia doesn't explicitly say it, but from my reading, it is very clear that being a medieval king involves much more actually fighting personally in the war than we would expect from our own political elites. But not more than we would hope for. Yeah.

Yeah. That's very true. And this resulted in Edward leaving Isabella to go off and wage war against the barons that were opposing him. But if you'll recall, Edward was much more of a lover than a fighter, and his military exploits were disastrous. Although he escaped with his life, Edward's special companion, Piers Gaviston, not so lucky. He was captured and executed.

While this was undoubtedly a bad time for Piers, it may or may not be a coincidence that after Gaviston's death, Isabella finally became pregnant and gave birth to her first son, Edward III. But the joyous news came amid increasing political tensions and the arrival on the scene of Hugh Dyspensar the Elder, whose family were enemies of the guys who killed Gavison. And this made an easy alliance with Edward who was in the mood for revenge for his lover's execution. And this made an easy alliance with Edward who was in the mood for revenge for his lover's execution Yeah, well, you may not know this but Hugh Dispenser was so high-born that we would have ventured in weed stores after it

That is great All right, so Edward and Isabella they headed off to Paris to garner French support in their fight against the Barons who opposed their rule Reunited with her family Isabella enjoyed a satirical puppet show put on by her brothers And since no one had yet invented fun everyone had a dark ages good time. Oh, but I include superfluous detail I don't know Okay, he's giving me ideas. No, he's giving me ideas. No puppet shows. That's on the whiteboard. That has to be on the whiteboard. Isabella, as a token of appreciation for the show,

gave to her brothers and their wives fancy embroidered purses. And then she went home with promises of French support for their war. And you might think that everything was finally coming up Isabella, but very much no. At a dinner party, they threw back in London to celebrate securing French war support, Isabella noticed a couple of knights walking around, wearing the purses that she had gifted to her sisters-in-law.

The conclusion, and I admit this seems like something of a leap, was that those sisters were clearly banging these knights, and Isabella ratted everyone out to her father. And the whole thing turned into a great big scandal, and all of Isabella's sisters were punished, with the two most heavily implicated in their affairs being imprisoned for life, and the third one imprisoned for a year for being, I don't know, adjacent to the affair, I guess. Man, Queer Eye Season 1 did not fuck around. Things then got even worse, which does seem improbable,

but remember, this was European mud times, so any horrible thing was possible. Edward tried and failed to defeat the Scots, and his failure not only cost a bunch of lives, but it weakened Edward, allowing his enemies to further consolidate power. Thomas of Lancaster, this was Edward's chief rival in the Civil War. He began to openly harass Isabella's family.

And then of course came the Great Famine. The Great Famine was a combination of mass crop failures as well as cattle and sheep disease that killed off upwards of 80% of the livestock. And it's estimated that as many as 15% of the population of England perished. Yeah, it's a real holocaust if you think about it. Oh, Jesus Christ. Jesus. Look.

Modern listeners will be surprised here to learn that it used to be the case that when a mass casualty event happened, like a famine or a plague, the world used to hold their leadership accountable. So it's not good news for Edward and by extension, Isabella. Tom's a big anti-fouchy guy. Everybody hates him.

Never shuts up about him. Big, big anti-fouchy. So I get why you're framing it the way you are. And I don't mean this as an accusation, but it says a lot about the way that we learn and record history. And what you're saying here is like, well, you know, and then the, you know, all those thousands

of starving peasants That was a real inconvenience to the pampered monarch who had a terrible day. Oh Shit Noah I wish when hundreds of thousands of present-day men and women died of a plague at inconvenience to pampered elites Back to our story what happens next of, a royal pretender appears at court. A royal pretender is exactly what it sounds like. This is some guy who just shows up one day and basically says, they are the rightful king. In this case, the pretender was John Daedrus, who claimed he was switched at birth with

Edward, making him the real king. Now, this wouldn't be an issue in normal times, but pretenders were real threats when the sovereign was massively unpopular. In this case, John was pretty quickly arrested and executed, but rumors spread around the kingdom before he was neutralized, again, further weakening Edward's position. I know we laugh at how silly this sounds now, but I guarantee there are QAnon people in Dallas still camped out waiting for John John to come back I'm telling you man. February is the October of The thing is is that I get it if they're unpopular look if some rando in 2018 had come around going like no

I'm actually the real Donald Trump. We were switched at bros. So I'm the rightful president. I'd be will I'd take my chances. I know. I get it. You might get another chance to take those chances. So like Edward was unhappy and he began to see comfort and solace in the welcoming bosom of his wife. No, actually he did not. He started banging Hugh to dispenser the younger a whole bunch of complicated maneuvering that happens with a bunch of players whose names won't mean anything to you and certainly didn't to me. But the gist of what happened next was that Edward's rival, Lancaster, moved against the dispensers and demanded their exile. Edward was very reluctant to exile his lover and his lover's family, but Isabella publicly dropped to her knees and begged Edward to allow that exile.

And that gave Edward cover to send the dispensers into exile as a kind of face saving favorite to his wife. And that likely saved everyone's ass. Well, it's at least one ass it didn't save. And from what I hear, that was Edward's favorite, but we'll have to sort that out. After a little apropos of nothing. Your Highness Edward, thank you very so much for attending. Of course it is my honor High Bishop I am after all the king and this is my wedding. Ah and here comes my lovely bride

Sorry, I'm late. I was taking a shit. Who is this guy? This is your king to be my lady. Oh So you're Eddie, huh? How come I ain't seen you in my chambers yet? Don't you want a free sample, baby? Oh God, no. My queen, please. Okay, okay. You don't want Mayo on your lobster roll, I get it. I'm literally going to throw up. Throw up out of your hog? Huh? If I may begin, for the love of God, please begin.

The lords and ladies will take their places. Oh, oh, that reminds me. My niece wants to know if she could bring her boyfriend I told her no and she said that she'd kill herself so Ma said that she could is that okay or and then you will join hands Yes, like this. Yeah like that. Huh? She's doing the finger thing on my palm. She's doing the finger thing on my queen Please oh my god fine your fucking prudes Anyway, and then I shall say the blessing, and you will be wed between your nations, the eyes of God. And then he plugs me up like a flex tape commercial!

I suppose so, yes. Sweet. I'm going to start a war with the Barons. Was that? I said I can't wait to marry you. I bet you can't. It's like an appetizer plant and eyeballs down there. Okay. And we're back in not a moment too soon Tom please take us in some direction other

than that sketch. Alright there was then a very weird little moment in the story when Isabella wasn't allowed to couch surf at a friend's house while on a road trip and that actually started its own small war because every fucking thing started a small war in the 13th century, just everything. Basically, Isabella was traveling to Canterbury as she and her retinue and guards stopped at the household of one of the King's stewards, Castles for the Night.

But the lady of the house refused to let Isabella crash, which led to a fight between Isabella's guards and the garrison and kicked off something called the dispenser war. To be fair, my wife has invited some people to our house that I would gladly have fought a dukedom to make leech. So I do get it. Edward was actually pissed off on his aggrieved wife's behalf. So he gathered some of his own troops and then they laid fucking siege to the castle. And during that siege, Edward gave control of the Tower of London to Isabel

and sent her to the tower to await her prizes. And a few weeks later, the siege succeeded and the lady of the house and her children were sent to the Tower of London under the direct supervision of the spurned Isabella, who it is supposed did not under the direct supervision of the Spurned Isabella, who it is supposed did not forget to thank them for their hospitality. I made you guys these purses so you'll have someone to store all your removed fingers.

Edward reunited with the dispensers and together they finally fought and defeated Lancaster Edward's chief rival in that original civil war and Edward and his lover Hugh went medieval on a lot of insurrectionist asses. Wait, so the civil war was still going? Their wars have wars in them? I mean a sub war. I'm stuck in a sub war. I beat the doodly-do. The next four years was pretty much a rounding up of, imprisonment, and execution of everyone even tangentially involved in the civil war against Edward. They executed not just the men

involved in the fighting, but confiscated their land, burned their homes, and executed their whole families. And even for the standards of European mud times, this was widely condemned in their contemporary writing. And Isabella was right there with those contemporaries disgusted and appalled at the harshness of the reprisals. Yeah, she's like, I'm not above befingering a motherfucker for making me crash at the Romata, but this is excessive for medieval inclinations.

The uneasy truce between Isabella and the king's lover Hugh completely disintegrated in the midst of all this chaos. Some reports suggest that Hugh assaulted Isabella, and while that's not certain, what is certain is that the dispenser family defaulted on payments owed to Isabella and her family, and refused to seek control of land and castles that dispensers had gained control of during the war. Edward sided with dispenser rather than his wife, and he cut her off from gifts and war spoils that would have traditionally been shared with the queen. Isabella was, it is fair to say, getting very tired of Edward's

shit. Right, but now that Cecil's done the voice for her, I'm picturing Isabella trying to fight you at a hockey game while holding a big gump full of vodka. So it's a lot more fun. It's a lot more fun in my head now is what I'm saying. Well it's fun, but it gets much, much worse. Because, you know, sometimes, you and your wife are traveling together on a military campaign against the you know, sometimes, you and your wife are traveling together on a military campaign against the Scots, and then you and your wife split up, but before you do, your wife pleads with you for troops to protect her while you're away. But you

think, I need all those troops for my own fighting. And besides, women be getting all hysterical. So you say no. And then, you know how she and her household then get cut off by the Scots from one side and the Flemish from another. And then, you know how she and her household then get cut off by the Scots from one side and the Flemish from another. And then she has to fight her way to the coastline with only her personal retinue of squires until she can come into your ship and evade the Flemish Navy before making her way south to York. And then somehow this is all your fault.

And meanwhile you lost your battle anyway. And now you're the asshole who ruined vacation. And Judge Mathis is wild sometimes. He gives a whole new meaning to talking ship in my right hand. Well done. It's a boat. Well, Edward gets it. And Isabella was just fucking done.

After narrowly avoiding death after her husband refused to protect her and losing a lady and waiting in the fighting, Isabella effectively separated from the king, leaving him to live with his lover, Hugh. And by the end of 1324, things were pretty fucking acrimonious, with Edward and Hugh confiscating all of Isabella's property and arresting and imprisoning all of her

French household staff and removing Isabella's children from her care to be placed to be raised with the dispensers. Okay, but not the worst that any of us has seen a dude get after a breakup. I mean, it's pretty bad, right? No, we've seen worse, we've all seen worse. That's fair. Isabella realized that there was no longer any hope

of reaching an amicable solution with Edward, so she returned to France. Initially, she was presented as a delegate of the king, but pretty quickly, her presence and her story galvanized French fury with Edward and his incompetent, indifferent cruelty. Sensing the moment, Isabella took a lover of her own and formed an alliance with the first Earl of March and raised an army of her own to oppose her sh shithead husband. And then they trapped Edward by putting a good-looking lord in a big box held up by a string and a stick.

Yeah, well, that'll do it. All right, but the fact that she's marching on him with the first Earl of March makes it sound like she's just making some shit up in her head, doesn't it? Who's with me? I'll tell you who's with me. I love too, also, that her lover's name

is a guy named Roger Just Roger does not sound like an intimidating mercenary's name But Isabella and Roger and his mercenary army Invaded England taking the country in a series of lightning attacks and decisive battles that saw the capture and execution of the dispensers and Which forced Edward the king of, to abdicate the throne. Now Edward was eventually murdered, but by whom is uncertain, but what is certain is that Isabella ruled England from 1327 to 1330 as regent after deposing her husband and of the country with her French lover, Roger. Your Highness, your lands are mine. Your men are mine. Also, Roger found a beer chicken recipe

he'd like to try out tonight. You never one could stick around. He saw it on the Barefoot Contessa. You have sandals with socks a lot. Isabella ruled with her lover for four years until her son, Edward III, deposed Roger and his mother in a coup, taking back royal authority for the Edwards. Roger Mortimer was killed, but Isabella, ever the survivor, not only survived, but having consolidated substantial wealth and property during her reign, remained a very wealthy and influential member of the

English court despite never again regaining direct political power. All right. So if you had to summarize what you've learned in one sentence, what would it be? Happy wife, happy life. All right. So are you ready for the quiz? Let's do it. All right, Tom.

What's the best brand name for a nightly purse? a war ferragamo be Greaves Saint Laurent see D Fendi Or D

Alansi Aga or D. Balenciaga. Balenciaga. Balenciaga. I love C. Defendi. Defendi's phenomenal. Defendi, that's it. Correct. Alright, Tom, I have far inferior puns for you.

What should the video game about Queen Isabella of France be called? A. France-France Revolution. That's good. B. Wait, it's not a France France revolution. Be wait, it's not a revolution. Okay. It's a B grand theft equine. I would play that. So.

C is a balloon fight or. Yeah. Move to the next one. Wed Ed redemption. Wed Ed redemption is the most clever, but I would play Grand Theft Acquaint. That it? Oh, I thought I was going to fool you on that one, but you nailed it.

Really, Grand Theft Acquaint is Grand Theft Redemption, but... That's true. Yeah, right. All right, Tom. Isabella. Shm Isabella. What are we going to do about Cecil starting a new podcast? A. Kill them both and then our Jesus start our own podcast not invite him to be apart Make fake patreon accounts and then cancel them and leave in the exit survey that were outraged that we

Eli are not Open their show with a sketch There's no open their show with a sketch Well, I don't want to do it. I think it's a show of the sketch supposed to be right No, it's not Wow, it looks like our winner is Eli. Tell me about it, baby. I want an essay from Noah next week. Alright, well for Eli, Cecil, and Tom, I'm Noah. Thank you for hanging out with us today.

We're going to be back next week, and by then, I'll be an expert on something else. Between now and then, you should check Cecil out on his new show, Lawful Assembly, which is a fine, nice, awesome show. It doesn't... No one has to die over it. I think you might be able to help keep this show going You can make a promise with donation at patreon.com It's my citation pod or leave us a 5 star review everywhere you can If you'd like to keep in touch with us check out past episodes

Can I also social media or check the show notes be sure to check out citation pod.com I Now pronounce you man and wife You may... Do some fucking shots now, huh? Kiss the bride. Body shots!

You may do a body shot off the bride. No, thank you. You sure? Come on, I'll let you use the brown tostino. Dear God, don't call it that. Are you shocking yourself right now while we record, Tom? You're not allowed to shock yourself in the air. I'll shock myself in the morning to wake up.

See, so I bought a, I'm having a hard time waking up. I told you, I bought a shock bracelet to wake myself up in the morning. It delivers an electric shock as the alarm. And I, stupidly this morning was the first time I used it. I set it to fucking kill. Like I just was like, well, I don't know like how strong it'll be,

but I have to get up. I can always like dial it back, but if it's not enough to wake me up, then it to fucking kill. Like I just was like, well, I don't know how strong it'll be, but I have to get up. I can always dial it back, but if it's not enough to wake me up, then it defeated its purpose. So this morning I set it to the maximum settings. It is the most unpleasant thing I've ever experienced to wake up to. The shocker is like, yeah.

It is so much stronger than I thought it was going to be, and so much more persistent. It just shocks the fuck out of you. What do you have to do to like shut it off to like dance the whole game or something? You have to solve a puzzle on your app on your phone. So here's the, so, dude, I gotta tell you this real story

real quick. So here's what, here's, so I set it to, I set it to a hundred, right? So it goes zero to a hundred. Yeah, a hundred sounds like a lot. So I set it to a hundred and then like, it has a, it has like how many zaps you want for wake up the max is 5. And then it has like an interval between how many 5 sets of zaps.

So the minimum interval is 5 seconds. Whole hog here, Tom. Well I gotta wake up man, I gotta get up. So like I turned this thing up to fucking all the maximum settings, you know No, I know you've known me for many years. I know all of this. Yeah, not a surprise. I have a hard time last night sleeping Like I have been so like I got a couple hours of sleep and then like 5 30 rolls around and the watch goes off And it is at first just like Shocking you're like what is happening Cause your brain just can't even process

from a deep sleep why this would be happening and who might be doing it. And then I'm like, oh, fuck it's that goddamn watch. So then I go to open my app. Well, the app is slow to open and like refresh itself. It's been like closed all night. So it's like, yeah, I'm also gonna take my time. And I get through the five zaps and I'm like,

come on man, let me solve this fucking puzzle And like I'm starting then it's like beep beep beep like hits me with like another five And I'm like oh god just give me the puzzle the puzzles like seven divided by one It's like the easy you know, there's not hard puzzle like get me to the puzzle like why am I like nailed with but like oh Man, I am so awake though. I am so I've never been more fucking fully awake Like I don't want this to be like an everyday thing But like I'll tell you what well if I got a meeting in the morning. I can't miss Time's gonna like is my balls still I'm awake. I don't sleep in a fucking sensory deprivation tank that slowly fills

You're doing a thing that if you do it to a prisoner, you go to jail. It's like against, right? What's against the Geneva Conventions? Like what you did to yourself is against the Geneva Conventions. No, as soon as you said shock, I was like, do I owe you up? I'm like, wow, you must really hate me. Jesus. When he said he was going to buy one, I was like, see now, I would just change everything about my life.

But if you do not want to be shocking yourself away, go for it. When he said he was gonna buy one I was like see now I would just change everything about my life You just you just take off all your clothes you got the door you wait until the cops pick you up And you're like yeah, no, I'm whatever this next Feel like you need to be the guy like fucking kung fu and just walk into the distance with like a Kung Fu and just walk into the distance with like a stick and your shit. Yeah. Just a bingo. I'm done. I'm gonna go fucking learn Kung Fu for the rest of my life. If the shock bracelet doesn't do it.

There's no shock bracelet. No, you left it. All you have is a stick and clothes and your bare foot. You just walk. That's it. You just find a new you, man. That's gotta be the next step. That's amazing.

And the best part is like, look, look if this if he had like one of those TikTok live babies that you got a suction every 45 seconds or they drown in their own spit I get but he's just like yeah, no, I mean who's gonna wake up kids if not me I don't know man someone not in Abu great Makes a peanut butter I feel like there's so many options on the list before. I'll let you keep myself awake. Time's making a human pyramid of himself downstairs.

Haley, you gotta put on this hood and take it back. You can't stay at Christmas the thing. It's a thing. Unbelievable.