Citation Needed - John Harvey Kellogg

Episode Date: June 28, 2017

John Harvey Kellogg, M.D. (February 26, 1852 – December 14, 1943) was an American medical doctor in Battle Creek, Michigan, who ran a sanitarium using holistic methods, with a particular focus on nutrition, enemas, and exercise. Kellogg was an advocate of vegetarianism for health and is best known for the invention of the breakfast cereal known as corn flakes with his brother, Will Keith Kellogg.[1] Skit music:  Galway Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 License http://creativecommons.org/ licenses/by/3.0/   If you'd like to support the show on Patreon, you can find our page here.

Okay, you guys ready? Why do we keep letting them do this? Oh, open your eyes. Jesus. What are you wearing? Workout gear. No, absolutely. You don't understand, Tom, this is old timey workout gear.

This episode we're all gonna get fit. The plane facts way. The what? Plane facts, this serial guy way of getting healthy. It's gonna be amazing. Don't you wanna get healthy? Come on! I mean, I guess it's not the worst idea you've ever had.

Thank you. Okay, so first step, I'm out. Keith, I haven't started yet. Still though, I'm sure I'm out. It's gonna be terrible. Okay, fine. Without Keith, first step, a vegetarian diet. No, no, no, no, I am very out. Okay, fine. Without Heath, first step, a vegetarian diet. No, no, no, no, I am very out.

Okay, happy I'm out. No Heath, no Tom. Okay, second step, no alcohol. I am out. Oh, shit. So Noah, you and me, the third step, no tobacco. I'm out. Guys, really, I bought sweat vases and Cecil,

there's gonna be jogging jogging Cecil. I job once a day. How do this become my thing? I didn't even get to the best part. There's literally no words you could say an ax none. There's nothing. Sweat vases though. We're all gonna sew our dicks closed. Eli, did you sew your dick closed already? I think your thing became jogging because not a lot of people know. Okay, okay, everybody, you know the drill here.

I'll get the car. Shotgun. Yeah, I'm dialing. Hi, 9-1-1, yeah, now it's Heath again. Yeah, he sewed it closed this time. Yeah, I know, right? Hello and welcome to Citation Needed. The podcast where we choose a subject, read a single article on Wikipedia about it, and pretend we're experts.

Because this is the internet, that's how it works now. I'm Cecil, and as usual, I have the unenviable task of feeding paper into this typewriter for this pack of monkeys. Joining me to take on this infotainment tour are two yahu's I wouldn't trust to do the showing of their own homes without technical assistance Tom and Eli It is preface every room with this is where the magic happens except the bedroom as I called the crying room Every room is the crying room when you have crippling depression It's funny cuz he's sad

And also joining us tonight are two men striking in appearance, even if we can't get their past stricken from the record. Heath Ann Noah. Whatever. My mom says I have a Bowler's Bill, like an athlete. I was disappointed to learn there was no statute of limitations on being me. I'm stuck with that to the end apparently. So before we get too deep, a problem none of us have. I'd like to take a moment to thank the kind and generous patrons of this show without you. Tom wouldn't show up. No one would wake up heath. No one would work himself to death on other projects.

And Eli would probably still be doing this, but to himself and wearing a special non-removable hugging jacket. Okay, just hold on, I don't like any of my stuff. I don't like it, like see so. You don't like jogging as your thing. Apparently I quit, I quit and I sleep. That's my fucking character, that's it. Can I get something new?

I quit my stuff. I quit my desk. So thank you for sharing as the fate and bestowing the gift or curse of this show upon the world. And if you'd like to learn how to be joined their ranks, be sure to stick around to the end of the show. And with that out of the way, tell us, Heath, what person place thing, concept, phenomenon, or event we'll be talking about today quitting quitting all right

Today for reasons I don't like who likes phone calls what the fuck do any of you guys my phone calls do any of you I like talking to just standing on the fucking phone. I like talking to your girlfriend on the phone. Jesus. All right, well, we should, we'll figure something out. I'll refer a serenade to Bergerac. So today, getting back to Cecil's question for reasons I don't fully understand.

We'll be discussing John Harvey Kellogg is what it says in the notes. Like the serial guy really 10 episodes in and we're doing serial. Hey, a serial is delicious. And one of the three foods I eat every year. So I think I feel like I support this one. Tom, you promised me that you at least glanced at the back of the shredded wheat box. Are you ready to extrude knowledge and high pressure into our brain cases? I've strangely been waiting my whole life for someone asking me that, Cecil. Yes, yes I am.

Okay, so why the hell should anyone care about John Harvey Kellogg? Well, Cecil, what if I told you to this story, we'll involve penis surgery, a weird obsession with masturbation, vibrating chairs, a human-sized easy bake oven, as well as a weird serial menager 12. I would say you had my attention at weird obsession with masturbation. I thought so, Cecil. You had me at Cecil will involve penis. That's, I'm excited.

You omitted words. You omitted words. You had me at crippling depression. Or just real quick, can we take a moment and have Cecil describe his penis? Is it, yes, is it tapered? Yes, that's the episode now. I feel like you're a taper guy, is it tapered? Yes, that's the episode. I feel like you're a taper guy.

Is it tapered? It is unsone. Weird, braggie thing to say. For some of us who are sewn. All right, Tom. No big deal. Lee Harvey Oswald. That's all we need to describe.

All right, it's fine. Oh, Rages. That's as far as I'm going to eat. Oh, Rages. You need to describe. All right. It's fine. That's as far as I'm going. I'll read you. You need to follow me on Snapchat. I'm going to spread it out over. We get one detail about Cecil's penis every episode. Oh, I like it.

It's like cereal. So it's this episode. Cecil's penis killed Ho Chi Minh. John Harvey Kellogg Cecil. Okay. Different guy. Was a doctor born and Cecil. Okay. Different guy. Was a doctor born and raised in mission clearly his first mistake. Who became famous for running a sanitarium of wacky high jinks and battle creek, which

specialized in a number of treatment protocols. So peculiar and joyless that he is the reason we now have corn flakes. Well, hold on, I like corn flakes. Sugarless corn flakes. Where did this monster get his start and can we go back and time and destroy his family before he was ever. Last piece of. No, we cannot because he used our one time machine to get us to early 1900 seri-evo. So I guess we're stuck with Kellogg.

I like a fresh date. You guys know that we're adults, right? You're allowed coca-puffs and lucky charms whenever you want. They have to sell them to you now. It's not, you don't have to eat other cereal any more. They don't, they only sell that to people with crippling depression. John Harvey Kellogg was born in 1852 to two completely boring and unnotable parents who almost certainly lived to regret having him Get two sisters who also don't matter at all According to Wikipedia They just don't they don't care. No one cares

According to Wikipedia his life must have been as uneventful as most of Jesus's because none of it mattered until he grew up and became a doctor And then the chief medical officer at the battle Creek sanitary. I got to reread the Bible I do not remember that part. Yeah, I don't remember the doctor party. Chapter two. You guys think it's a chapter two. He runs the stuff that's go through his hands and just everything before that pretty much just doesn't count. And according to Richard Carrier, cornflakes are a Jewish hoax. Is it? Is it is any of the air conditioning guy Carriers? Yep. Okay. Yeah, that's a established owned andlished owned and operated by the 7th day Adventist, the Battle Creek Sanitarium operated according to the health principles espoused by the Adventists, which included a vegetarian diet, abstinence from alcohol and tobacco and a regimen of exercise, all

of which sounds terrible. Hold on. Eli, you said you couldn't work Saturdays because you were pimping ninth graders. You deceitful bastard. You're a 7 day Adventist. I feel like it can be both. You were seven day advanced. I feel like it can be both. That's the exercise part.

I'm just saying everything. Slippery little buggers just. Well, not beforehand. This sounds genuinely awful. No meat, no sex, no alcohol. These seven day eventas sound like the guy in Princess Bride. You know that guy was like,

I just sucked one year of your fun away. All right. So what is Kellogg at all this? A cartoon rooster. Close. Very close. Actually, I'll say, I'll say, I'll say. Well, Kellogg day is he took the dietary portion of the program to the next level.

He believed that the right diet could reduce sexual desire and he strongly promoted the consumption of nuts to save mankind. Kelly, and Dave. Javier Mente. Two. Javier Mente. I don't know what that means. Two views that.

It's the best friend thing. It's depending on how they're read, seems somewhat contradictory. A diet that reduces sexual desire, I mean, my diet reduces sexual desire in other people's minds. Exactly. I don't know if that's, it works on other people.

Just Kellogg watched a married couple after Indian food. How do I replicate this? What Kellogg was so obsessed with discouraging sex and sexual desires, despite his aforementioned love of nuts. But he actually wrote a number of books outlining the dangers of sexual desire, including

plain facts about sexual desire and plain facts for the young and old. The general gist of his warfare against the passions stemming from his belief that sexual desire and sexual activity was against nature and extremely unhappy. In fact, he wrote his plain facts book on his honeymoon. What? I can see why he's associating sex and unhappiness at least. I feel like you don't need anti-desire books very much when you look like the Pope dressed as Colonel Sanders. And your wife

looks like just the Pope. Look up his wife looks like the Pope. Okay, Heath, if you didn't like my Pope, K. Sands fanfiction, you could have told me, don't bring it up on the air. I'm sorry, Wait, wait, I'm sorry. Did you just refer to Colonel Sanders as K-Sans? K-Sans, K-squared. K-Sans, K-squared. The Kellogg was especially zealous about masturbation and its prevention, believing that and this is a quote, neither the plague nor war, nor smallpoxpox nor similar diseases have produced results so disastrous to humanity as the pernicious habit of owning is oh god, I'm doing it wrong.

I feel like it has consequences like that. I'm doing it right. I'm just going to talk about the post office there. Similar creed. Similar Creed. So a masturbation he actually wrote about masturbation related deaths. Right? This is another quote. He said quote such a victim literally dies by his own hand. Okay, the dim cock. Hi, bro.

Diction. Among the many maladies of which I will now surely be stricken based on this, according to Kellogg are urinary diseases, nocturnal emissions. Well, yeah, I can't master. During the day for me, but dirty socks. Yeah, what? Specially during the day. It's fine. Impotence, super confusing. Epilepsy, insanity, and mental and physical

debility and dimness of vision. Also, also dimness of vision. I see. Sorry, Tom. I couldn't hear you. I was cleaning the bloody semen from last night's fit after letting my invisible friend drive because I couldn't hear you. I was cleaning the bloody semen from last night's fit after letting my invisible friend drive because I couldn't see the road If all of that was true pause herpes it wouldn't slow me down I've actually been trying out a super slow-mo

Like I'm still on a thrice daily, but like crazy slow Like I highly recommend it just crazy crazy like like highly recommended just great not with how slow the heat to write slow mo is great I've been working on instant

replay for years I still haven't gotten that one just great folks really great I believe you mean great to kill I also believe that masturbation was damning to the moral self. So with all these terrible ills caused by a quick tug or a little over familiarity with little man in the boat, Kellogg sought a number of solutions to this entirely made up

problem. Yeah, you obviously made up that boat thing. The what? Are your balls not shaped like a boat? Well, the older I get the more they look like a barge. So one fact about his penis and one fact about his balls every one every week. No, exactly. Everyone learns something from this. Yes, it's a map, it's a map. That's like an in-head. My sales are bigger than the masks. Is that normal?

That's the, it's like two spinikers, ones for the mask. I like a ball sack slash boat deep cut. That's where we. Long till market the show. Hey guys, use a sexton. Huh? That's. That's true. There's another thing. So far off the fucking rail. Where are we at? I don't even know.

So Kellogg believed that a bland, tasteless diet such as consumed by Noah could profess or reduce. I think you're thinking of Noah's wife, but thank you. That's a good, that's a good, good, reduced or reduced sexual arousal.

Yeah, I don't know. Yeah, you're right. Yeah, I think. That's, we're learning a lot today. It's a lot. Describe your penis one time. Say one thing about your penis though. I'll say something about your penis.

Give me a variety of it. I like the color. I like the hue. It's nice. You. As part of this, Kellogg was a huge fan of the original Graham cracker, which is a tasteless, sad little biscuit before America decided to jerk off a little cram it full of sugar and then had to have a biracial sugar threesome with marshmallows and chocolate.

Kellogg also believed that eating meat would cause sexual desire, a notion that frankly is hard to argue against. Also. Yeah. Yeah. I know. In the girlfriends of the vegetarians, you're dining with, yeah. I'm told that my wife finds my silent weeping over other people's steaks distracting. Her words, not mine. So in addition to sucking the joy out of eating, Kellogg also supported Mark's stream

and medically unnecessary procedures to prevent masturbation. For boys, he was an advocate of circumcision. Anti-Semite. Reasoning that the pain and healing process would basically detox the system and the pernicious habit of masturbating would be broken by the time the body heals. I'm sorry. Is there a big problem with newborns ganking it? Also, he clearly doesn't realize that POS is a great loop.

Oh, geez. That's perfect. You little blister going. You don't need anything. Also he clearly doesn't realize that POS is a great Luke cheese. That's perfect. Yo blister going? You don't need anything. Yeah, you're set. Okay, I'm the only one who uses my blister. Okay, you guys are just gonna go silent. That's fine.

One thing about my penis is that I use the blisters in a posh. There you go. Got me my thing instead of sleeping. Yeah, sitting down. There you go. There you go. Not me, my thing, instead of sleeping. Yes, and then now, you want that to be your thing. It turns out, it could be other people's things too if you touch them with it. So, so circumcision didn't work, which probably never did once, ever. Not at all.

Just didn't work. He next advocating putting sutures, and this is also a call in such a way as to prevent erection. The first skin to block it. Yeah, listen, okay, hold on, hold on, cross legs, go ahead. Right, yeah, I know, wait, this is it. The fourth skin is drawn forward over the glands and the needle to which the wire, the wire is attached pass through from one side to the other.

After drawing the wire through, the ends are then twisted together and cut off clothes. It's now impossible for an erection to occur. Bullshit it is. Bullshit. And the slight irritation, thus produced acts as the most powerful means of overcoming the disposition to resort to the practice. I'd still get a side bonus though. You pee a hexagon. I think there's a lot of'll contact wardrobe and. Well, it's an equal opportunity. Sex obsessed lunatic. So Kellogg suggested for the ladies, burning the clits of women

with carbolic acid. Islamophobe. Jesus. Speaking of which, I'm going gonna get into the serial business. I'm gonna get into the serial business. What? With all this experience, it's time for some kids to serial. And for children, and this is no shit, he's seriously recommending putting their hands in custom built anti-mastervation cages.

Like their hands are like little tiny pirates that got caught, they're adorable. I feel like he's underestimating the fuckability of those little cages though. I mean like, you know, like a hulk can't masturbate without using their hands. Come on. No, it's a classic party game.

Yeah. Edward Jizzerhands is good times. It's good times. It's a shit. It's a shit. Welcome to Ken. You fuck that just Steve Hardweaver roll in his eyes and a white guy trying to fuck a cage.

A Kellogg, he did all this because he believed that masturbation was the worst evil that somebody could commit, which basically means that I am on a regular basis worse than a child rapist according to Kellogg at all. Ouch. Ouch. He went so far as to invent the horror of the cornflake believing, and this is no shit that it would be so bland and unappealing that nobody would want to touch their naughty

bits after such a huge disappointment. I mean, to be fair, have you tried to make it through a bowl of cinnamon toast crunch without rubbing one out? It's not possible. Nope. I've tried. You've never tried the whole ball. The whole ball.

All right, Tom, you've played with the masturbation thing long enough. So familiar. Can you tell us more about Kellogg's other views on healthy living? Well, Kellogg believed for much of his life in the idea of biologic living, which espoused the idea that the right diet, exercise and recreation was needed for the mind body and soul to be healthy. Well, it doesn't actually sound too crazy. His ideas, as I'm sure you'll realize above, about what right means, very pretty widely

from the norm here. What would a biological right? Okay, all right. Let's pause for a masturbation break here. And while we do, here's everyone's favorite mid-solo, quietest music, Apple Poem, nothing. Hey Mr. Robbie the Irish Rabbit? Well hello there kids! Yay! Are you here for me delicious munchy munchies? We sure are! Oh, they're part of a balanced breakfast to make you a big and strong. Yay!

But make sure you don't touch your genitals. Yay! Yay! Because that way lies temptation. What? What's a gem metal? And now they come in fun shapes. Whoa!

Like sweat oven, circumcision knife and vatavacin! Oh! I'm full! At the wanna-go home! Munchy munchos! Don't let the devil take you by the hand! Why's your hand in your pocket? Serial.

And we're finished and mostly cleaned up. Tom, I realized you spent the break desperately trying to reach yourself with your tiny T-Rex arms over there. But play time's over. Oh, you were close. I believe telling us about some of Kellogg's other views on healthy living. And date and I, I gotta tell you, I almost had it this time. You're close. You're close.

You do this rocking thing that almost said it did. You almost did it. You got a serious, you got some pullings. I've got a stretch. You got to get a bunny like a raptor. If I had a bunny, I wouldn't need a master mate. I was a Kellogg believe so strong in the power of his particular brand of goop level craziness. They actually thought that when properly adhered to his regiment of diet, crack pottery,

and exercise would make even smallpox vaccination unnecessary. Jenny McCarthy, a John Harvey Kellogg, you can beat off too. You think I won't send her those business cards, but this is what makes you think I think you won't do that. You think I won't beat off John Harvey Kellogg. So among the madness was Kellogg's obsession with hydrotherapy, which he attributes to the various chemical properties of water. Basically, water is just sort of amazing.

So you should probably funnel a bunch of it through both of that. Oh, yeah. Can I believe water to be a really useful way, and I love this, to lower and also raise body temperature, though I thought it made a Danny sedative. A sedative. A sedative. Was useful to either speed up or slow down your heart rate,

depending on if you take either a hot or a cold bath. Or keep it the same. He believed it was a- He believed it was a- He believed it was a- He believed it was a treatment for constipation. He thought it was a good pain reliever. It was a purgative.

It was also anti-hemeroidal. What? Really? I guess you could call it preparation H2O. Oh, dooms. To one, I love the Christopher walkin delivery there though to oh preparation before all those uses though he did not believe water to be a cure all. He also touted the equal benefits of such a femur as sunlight, air, rest and food

for proper. Wait, wait Tom slow, slow down, air. That's what I've been missing. Air. I feel like it was also a huge supporter of photo therapy, even going so far as to creating the light bath. This thing is amazing. It seriously looks like an enormous human sized easy make oven.

And the thing is, it kind of just just was it was a room with just dozens of light bulbs on all sides like the fucking ceiling and the walls everywhere. Just and it just gets really hot and was bright and that was people leave really super duper totes good for. Well now to be fair though skin cancer is a proven masturbation deterrent, depending on where it is, not really. Eventually, I guess Noah is a bronze goddess, like an Indian princess. We don't say it.

So any others, his hair flows like a chocolate river. Oh, you met the cereal. I know. I'm not the the silver guy. We'll kill it also bleeds in the value of shaking things up a bit. So he pushed electro shock therapies and he invented various devices to shock different parts of your body. He only has the same one for just every part and crazily since Kellogg hated sexual

arousal and masturbation. But he also invented a vibrating chair to, quote, stimulate the vital organs of the lower abdomen. And he also invented a number of personal massagers. I sat in a mall massage chair the other day, took me 30 seconds to come. I'm just saying, we are not welcome back at that synabon. It's a, it's a knockout.

I mean, we ate, but it did not go well. We are not welcome back at that synabon. I mean, we ate, but it did not go well. He also advocated regularly, squirting yogurt up your ass. I guess just to keep it real. I'm sorry. Sorry, Tom, to keep it real straight up on me, J like authentic ass full of like like authentic ass full of yoga. Yeah, like an authentic ass full of yoga because even when so far as to invent a super fancy colon irrigator,

so you can stick more thick cream up your a. Oh, jeez. Oh, go and irrigate. This is that fruit on the bottom. Definitely Greek yogurt. You know, it's a good hack. You know, it's a good hack though. You know, it's a good hack. You just pour in some sour milk and use the frother from a cappuccino. You know, it's a good hack.

You just pour in some sour milk and use the frother from a cappuccino. You know, it's a good hack though. You know, it's a good hack. You just pour in some sour milk and use the frother from a cappuccino. You know, it's a good hack though. You know, it's a good hack. You just pour in some sour milk and use the frother from a cappuccino. You know, it's a good hack though. You know, it's a good hack.

You just pour in some sour milk and use the frother from a cappuccino. You know, it's a good hack. You just pour in some sour milk and use the frother from a cappuccino. You know, it's a good hack. You just pour in some sour milk and use the frother from a cappuccino. You know, it's a good hack. You just pour in some sour milk and use the frother from a cappuccino. You know, it's a good hack. You just pour in some sour milk and use the frother from a cappucc Starbucks. I mean, we ate. We ate. We had to do this. So there's a lot of Starbucks around.

So it's just a running lineage of places you guys can't go to. All right, Tom, I think you promised us a tale of cereal. Whoa. Did Captain Crunch jerk off to the tricks rabbit or something? Not quite cereal and that's kind of fucked up, man. That's cereals for kids. I guarantee you we're no more than a Google away from that image. Okay, first you guys say I can't promote my Tumblr on the show.

Then you bring up my Tumblr on the show. I'm happy either way, I just want to know what the rules are. Well, describe something about your penis. You have a kind of, it's, it's sleepy like heath. There you go. My thing is not, I don't like how you like reverse that on me my thing is not sleepy It also quits all the time I'm back in All right, so Kellogg as I mentioned before he invented the bland shitty depression inducing melee nightmare that is sugar-free corn

shed a depression inducing melee nightmare that is sugar-free cornflakes. They did this so that enough joy would leave your life that you'd forget about your dick. That is his actual intention, right? And since this was such a joyless, horrible idea, his brother will follow them to add sugar to the cereal evidently believing that you shouldn't live your whole life without having some fun with your mouth. John and Will, they feared it over this, though Will's idea being just like a better idea it went out and voila, the Kellogg company. Dad insults injury, a patient of John's purportedly stole his recipe of infinite sadness and

started the post serial company. John Harvey Kellogg to be fair, he lived a long, albeit joyless life. The battle Creek Sanitarium was finally closed and Kellogg worked for another joyless period of time at a pit in Florida. Before dying, probably a bottle of cement explosion syndrome or something. At the age of 91, each of those years more pointless than the next. They open up for the autopsy. There's just come everywhere like like Jean-Benei Ramsey just saying, Oh my God.

What? Read a book. Read a book. All right, Tom, if you had to summarize what you learned in one sentence, why would it be that the path to happiness ends predictably with gout? All right. So are you ready for all the rest of us missfits to quiz you on this? I'm ready, but I'm sewn up a bit so you can't really tell.

There's the detail about Tom's penis. Everybody got one. All right, Tom, ready for my question? Indeed. All right. So, if your business model involved primarily penises and sugar-free cereal, your company should obviously be called Kicks with Dix. Is that being said? That being said, what's the best slogan for your brand?

Is it A, Kicks with Dix? Less fillings, tastes great. Oh Jesus! Is it B, because it's chugulous. Is it B, fillings? Is what I said, fillings. Is it B, Kicks with Dix, silly rabbit, Dixer for kids. That's all you have to say. Is it C, like John Dix, silly rabbit, Dixer for kids?

Is it C, we have to do that episode now. All right, is it C, kicks with Dix, won't get flaccid, even in milk? Or is it D, kicks with Dix, kid-tested mother of proof? No. Much like the murderer of Javanese Ramsey. I'm going to go with the same cause here's for helping. Apparently, that's correct. All right. So among John Harvey Kellogg's lesser known inventions for the purposes of this question, is that of the cartoon serial mascot?

Now, unfortunately, the television stations refuse to air any of his suggestions and not just because they wouldn't exist for several more decades. Which of the following is not one of Kellogg's original rejected mascots? So is it a Mortimer Boyle? He was a beaver. You can kind of imagine the rest. Oh, was it B Stanley Strup to caucus and Larry Lactobacillus, the ass yogurt twins? Oh, they had a catchphrase. If it ain't hurt and keep squirt. Was it see Peter stitches? He was a like a Frankenstein-esque rabbit whose catchphrase was you sell a bet you can. Or was it snap crackle and pop version 1.0, which was just the sounds it made when he peep.

I'm definitely going to have to go with B because you just hear too few jokes, a strep to caucus and lactobacillus. That is correct. All right. All right, Tom Lee Harvey Oswald had other brands of abstinence based. That's damn it. It's generally killer. He's a fascinating historical character.

You son of a bitch. Which of these was next if cornflakes didn't work out? A, dry humps. Terrible. Does that sound like a serial though? B, crispy cock blocks. It goes kids. No.

C, fruity blue balls. D, grape nuts. It's grape nuts, yeah. Grape nuts. Yeah Yeah easy answer easy answer and that's that's the correct answer absolutely all right Tom final question for you Which serial mascot probably fucks the best Is it a The lucky charms leprechaun

Because he's Irish but he's also magic, so maybe it balances out. Racist? Racist? You seem to enjoy it, whatever. B, the tricks rabbit, because desperation is hot. C, two cans Sam, because you get a strong heat to eat your butt vibe. Follow your nose.

You know what I'm talking about. That guy's got some baby wipes in his room. It's all on side. Or Dean, count Dracula, Toucan Sam, but also a vampire. That's some shit play going on there. Chuck. I'm going to go to the trickster rabbit just because I think you try to throw me off with your spelling.

You are wrong. You are wrong. The answer is C to can Sam British accent. Chuck. All right, Eli. Eli is our winner this week. He gets to play host next week. Eli, who's on deck to do all the hard work of reading one whole Wikipedia entry next week.

Well, I'm going to choose the man who loves to learn almost as much as he loves to jog. And be you, Cecilia. And of course, included in your victory gift bag is reading the answer to last week's Twitter question. Last week's Twitter question was, what is the school mascot for a university where you can major in prison experiment studies? And the winner was Tyler Maynard, who said, the Manglin-Mangalay. Excellent, Tyler.

And what question do we have for the tweeters this week? Our question for this week is, if you had to masturbate to one cereal box mascot for the rest of your life, which one would you choose and why? Those who choose the girvy baby will be eliminated. So, if you want to answer that question, retweet this episode with your answer or you could share it on Facebook with your answer, we'll be picking a winner next week and you'll go down and infamy. We'll be announcing it on next week's program.

Alright, well for Tom, Heath, Eli and Noah, I'm Cecil, thank you for hanging out with us today. We'll be back next week and by then I'll be an expert on something else. Between now and then, you can fill your empty hours of joyless lives by listening to Noah, Eli, and Heath on the skating atheist, God off on movies, and the skeptic ret. If your dick is wilting, and your hands from boredom, you can try catching more of Tom and I, on our show, Cognitive Dissonance. Our theme music was composed and performed by Anna Bosnick and was used with permission.

If you'd like to help keep this show going, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash citation pod or leave us a five star review everywhere you can. If you'd like to get in touch with us, check out our past episodes, connect with us on social media, or check the show notes, be sure to check out citationpod.com And I think I speak for Eli when I say, never forget, have any rhymes. Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha.

Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. you