Citation Needed - John R. Brinkley

Episode Date: October 18, 2017

John Romulus Brinkley (later John Richard Brinkley; July 8, 1885 – May 26, 1942) was an American who fraudulently claimed to be a medical doctor (he had no legitimate medical education and bought his medical degree from a "diploma mill") who became known as the "goat-gland doctor" after he achieved national fame, international notoriety and great wealth through the xenotransplantation of goat testicles into humans. Although initially Brinkley promoted this procedure as a means of curing male impotence, eventually he claimed that the technique was a virtual panacea for a wide range of male ailments. He operated clinics and hospitals in several states, and despite the fact that almost from the beginning, detractors and critics in the medical community thoroughly discredited his methods, he was able to continue his activities for almost two decades. He was also, almost by accident, an advertising and radio pioneer who began the era of Mexican border blaster radio.[2][3] Although he was stripped of his license to practice medicine in Kansas and several other states, Brinkley, a demagogue beloved by hundreds of thousands of people in Kansas and elsewhere, nevertheless launched two campaigns for Kansas governor, one of which was nearly successful. Brinkley's rise to fame and fortune was as precipitous as his eventual fall: At the height of his career he had amassed millions of dollars; yet he died sick and nearly penniless, as a result of the large number of malpractice, wrongful death and fraud suits brought against him.

I'm telling you it's the buttermilk and the cream cheese. I've never made it like I had to come out super fluffy the trick is to freeze the fat actually. So it keeps that corn meal consistent. Right, right. Scabble. God damn it. Um, which one is that?

The exacto knife. Okay, well then say exacto knife. No, because it's supposed to be a scalpel. Hey, hey fellas, what to do? Not now, man. I'm working. Goat testicle. Goat testicle. Goat testicle.

Eli, are you putting goat testicles inside Noah? Well, yeah, I'm trying to, but butter fingers over here has dropped three of them, so. I wanted to be the doctor, I quit the surgery. Don't bullshit. How did you convince Noah to do this? Oh, he was in, as soon as I I said I stole a bunch of drugs from the hospital He was just like, yeah, very fair. How many go testicles have you put inside of them? Oh

Seven seven Well and the potato. Oh, and a tiny potato. How is he still alive? How is his heart still beating? Oh this? Yeah, that's just sound effects. Found them on YouTube. Right. Yeah, we dial out. Hello and welcome to Citation Needed. The podcast where you choose a subject, read a single article about it on Wikipedia, and pretend we're experts. Because this is the internet. And that unfortunately is how it works now.

I'm Tom and I'll be driving this remarkably small bus to our destination today, but it wouldn't be the same without our panel of passengers. Please welcome two guys that both ate a bug because they miss her drug. Heath and Noah. Thanks Tom. You gonna finish that?

No. Honestly, I just eat the drumstick. She can have the rest. Huh. Well, we're trying to get them biblical, you know, four legs on those five. And also joining us tonight, two people that can get gum caught on their hair on every square centimeter of their body, Eli and Steve. Ah, jokes on you, Tom.

I am horrifyingly smooth. And I'm like a bubbleicious black hole. No one's arguing there, Cecil. Now I'm gonna pause for just a bubbleicious black hole. No one's arguing there. Yeah. No. Now I'm going to pause for just a second be serious. If you or someone you know suffers from not giving us money, there's a cure. You can be cured.

That's right. For only a dollar a show, we will have four of your dollars a month, which we want to have. And from many of you so that we have many dollars a month and thus electricity and food. Many of our listeners have already been cured from not giving us money, but sadly, we know many more of you have yet to donate to our non-charitable bison. If you'd like to learn how to join the ranks of the cured, be sure to stick around till the end of the show. And with that out of the way, tell us Noah, what person, place, thing, concept, phenomenon,

or event? We'll be talking about today. Well, thanks to my current favorite person, patron Emily, for the suggestion. Today we're going to be talking about goat, testicle, transplant surgeon, extraordinary, John R. Brinkley. Finally, a cure for what ails me. Cecil, you read the article and stuffed yourself with goat balls and anticipation. Are you ready to tell us about how to get an erection lasting four hours? Asking for a friend.

I'm the friend I have had my share of goat balls. Thanks for asking. Are you going to finish those or? No, you're glad. Not you. That's all you excellent. This guy was so much more than just a goat ball guy, though. I mean, he is a radio station owner, a gubernatorial candidate, as well as a famous

quack. Well, let's dig in. Tell us about John Brinkley. John R. Brinkley was born in 1885. His father was a medic in the Civil War, and he lived as a mountain man. He had four wives. First mistake. And second, third and fourth. And the first marriage was annulled because he was too young for North Carolina to be married. Wow. At the age of 42, his first words were, I do like how does that even happen in Carolina?

Did he have to fucking learn it on signing time? Kidding, right? Would you, Madam, like us to put this baby back inside? Yes. At the age of 42, his father also named John, married a woman named Sarah, and her 24 year old niece came to live with them. And her name was also Sarah. So to differentiate, they started calling Brinkley seniors wife Sally. Well, Brinkley senior then knocked up the niece through marriage. And they had a baby out of wedlock. And that baby was John R. Brinkley. Okay. This story already has the lineage of a game of thrones

episode. Hold on a second. I'm gonna write this shit down. And the plot of my internet history, let me wipe this shit down. You're going to finish that or speaking of bubble. It's black hole. Great tab. Great tab. All right. So we're going to skip the boring childhood stuff and jump right to young adulthood. John is married at this time to a woman he met in his hometown. John always wanted to become a doctor.

So he and his wife stayed at a holiday and express one night and they told everyone they were quicker doctors. And they traveled from town to town, selling what they called patent medicine, which was something that was advertised heavily but didn't necessarily have the effect on what it was curing. Then he moved on to selling virility ton. Wait a second.

Did he start in shallow how I know this story? Right? It's a dildo and a steam iron with a laser beam attached to a tag. That's right. So real things. She sold. Yep. Real thing. Go in with college. Check it out. Goop. Yep. So to prove that not only the millennial suffer with debilitating college loan debt, Brinkley enrolled in a for-profit college called Bennett Medical College, where he studied eclectic medicine. What?

He was working at night at Western Union and taking classes during the day. All right, listen, I've been looking for a way to dramatically increase my debt burden, so tell me more about that college. So at Bennett, which was an unaccredited medical school with quote questionable curricula, unquote, he studied glandular extracts. These sounds like the University of California Irvine. That's what you get now. That's what you get University of California Irvine. That's what you get now. That's what you get University of California Irvine. All right, so I'm what are you majoring in? I'm majoring in glandular extracts.

Do you mean cum, son? Yes. Are you gonna finish that? Do you mean cum? The wiki article seems to think that this is an aha moment for Brinkley and this was the motivation that would be the focus of his later career. Come loud A, come honors. This episode is mostly about come.

Well it is now. Have a come base episode. You know what episode will also be about come. Not goat come. Well, John May. Maybe we we have it we don't know we gotta check let me do the show and we'll find out that's good me to try for once Brinkley then decided to up his credit hours to take more shifts at work this didn't do great things for his credit score or his marriage as his debts piled up and his wife left them with their kid. Now, Brinkley then kidnapped his own kid and fled to Canada. And since his wife

couldn't get the proper paperwork to extradite the child back to the USA, she wound up dropping the alimony suit. Slow down. I'm need is one flux capacitor. That's it. Just one flux capacitor. Brickly then comes back to Chicago and they quote, re-united their rocky marriage. I don't know. When he was done with his third year of studies, his pregnant wife left him again and headed back to North Carolina to give birth to their daughter. He followed and left all his college debt behind to become a quote, undergraduate physician.

Why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, Isn't undergraduate position literally impossible? Listen, you have to. Right. That's everyone. Not undergraduate, but we're all undergraduate physicians. And answer quickly, C. So because I have a scalpel. I think it's good what he lies doing. We need more surgical outsiders. You know what I'm saying?

Drain the swamp. Is that what that's called? No, that's a stomach. Yeah. So needless to say, it was not his destined profession. And he made very little money and he headed to St. Louis to try to enroll in medical school there. And all of American history, nobody was ever simultaneously doing well and heading

to St. Louis. Mutually exclusive propositions, guys. Bennett College wouldn't send his transcripts down there, though, because he still owed him a bunch of money, so he bought a diploma in eclectic medicine from the Kansas City eclectic medical university. That can't be a real thing. Well, it kind of wasn't actually the Kansas City eclectic medical university was a diploma mill, which is I think a big machine that harvests free range diplomas and then just grind

them down in a useless space. He then headed back to the Carolinas to be a graduate physician, I guess. Then he and his partner, James Crawford, started a shop called the Greenville Electrometric Doctor. Got you name. I love it. I love it. Got you name, I love it. I love it. I love it.

Is that, is it still in business? I'm making an appointment. Is that like buzz word that clenate electric cool? Yeah, it is. It is. Yeah. I only go to electromagnetic doctors. I don't go to the, I tried the hydroelectric, but it was not my cup of tea.

A lot of training on that. They went into the impotency market injecting colored water into people for $25, which roughly translates to about $600 in modern currency. Jesus. All right. I'm assuming the colored water comes from a separate fountain? What is that? Oh, no, it was this.

Yeah. So he tells his patients that it was a substance called salver sand, I don't know if I'm pronouncing that quickly, which was a treatment for syphilis. Startles a treatment for impotency. Yeah. Well, the stuff that's happening in my mouth and you know how are these impotent guys getting syphilis?

What the fuck? I don't know. The fuck? So the business doesn't work out actually. Well, shocking. Which I, for the life, just seriously can't figure out. It seems like the startup costs on food coloring and a needle can't be too much.

But in any case, they fled the town of Greenville, South Carolina because of unpaid rent, unpaid utility bills and a bunch of other debts. Well, I feel like just to help you out here, a seasonal untreated syphilis patients, shitty pool of repeat customers. That's one pop at those guys.

Literally, sadly, this was long before we learned all that important stuff from those experiments with the black airmen. That's my essay next week by the way. You can tell by our great reaction. Go ahead and try to be alright, Cecil. So once you flee the Carolinas, I'm not sure where there is actually left to go. So who takes you right after the Carolinas spit you out? That would be Memphis time. There you go.

And this is where Brinkley met and married his second wife while still married to the first one. This one was mini. Hey, hey, hey, they prefer to be called little people. Script me. He wrote that down. So many and he went to Knoxville on our honeymoon where they were promptly caught by the authorities and sent back to Knoxville on their honeymoon, where they were promptly caught by the authorities and sent back to Greenville. Brinkley then blamed all the fraud on his business partner and told them where to find

Crawford. They caught him and the two settled with the local businesses with Crawford paying all but two hundred dollars out of the several thousand dollars that they owed them. And Brinkley didn't even pay his money as new father-in-law did after he bailed him out of shape. Wow. That's nice. I think my father-in-law would visit me to glow. Maybe.

So he heads back to Memphis with his new bride, probably to couch surf on his father-in-law's place or something. And then he's accused of being a bigamist by his former current first legal wife. Well, she would know. Yeah. Right. So he leaves. I mean, you know, what do you do when you're accused of bigamie, but leave? And he eventually winds up in Kansas City. And with a little extra money, he finally pays off his Sally May loans to Bennett College. And they send his transcripts to the Kansas City Eclectic Medical University. so we can finish his final year and get a diploma that allowed in the practice medicine in eight whole states.

Okay, but just to be clear, eclectic medicine is nonsense. It's basically healing with trail mix which means the fake doctors in Kansas City were like, okay, well, how do we know if you passed rub dirt knit for a while? The guy's gonna show us the credits on your transcript. All right, so we've got a real wonderful, upstanding character here. When exactly are we getting to the goat testicles? Yeah, I know agenda. I'm just, I'm asking for a friend.

Just curious on the, on the friend still, know agenda. I'm just I'm asking for a friend just curious on the on the friend still still friend. I'm hungry. I'm hungry. Well, at this point in our story, the Wikipedia says, quote, while in Kansas City, Brinkley took a job as the doctor for the Swift and Company plant, patching minor wounds and studying animal physiology. It was here that Brinkley learned that the popular opinion held that the healthiest animal slaughtered at the plant was the goat, something that would prove pivotal to his later medical career.

All right, so it seems finally like the goat balls are looming over the horizon. Just another beautiful day here in America. Let's take a short break, then rush right back to hear how this guy can cure impotence for only four easy payments. So, what appears to be the problem, my boy? Well, doctor, it's my wife. You see, we're having trouble connecting on what you might call a physical level. Hmm, I see. I see. Well, there's a new medical treatment

that's seeing miraculous results. We cut you open using old timey surgical tools. I will not wash my hands. I fill your body with the bloody remains of animal generals and we see if your tick works. I don't know, Doc, that sounds kinda risky. I see, I see. Well, you could try Cunnelingas. Go testicles, let's do sounds kinda risky. Hmm, I see, I see. Well, you could try Conolingus.

Goat testicles, let's do it right here, I'm ready. I'm ready. And the final stop on our tour of the Brinkley Medical Clinic is the Goat Transplant Center. We have a patient prep for surgery and the doctor will be joining us momentarily. Oh, that's him now. That's a goat. It is a goat. Yeah, it's in scrubs. Well, because it's a doctor goat, what?

It's our goat transplant center. So the goat is the one doing the operating. The goat. Yes. Dr. Williams is our head surgeon. Okay. He's just pushing around the scalpel with his paw. That's right.

His hoof, sir. Okay. Whatever. He can't even grip it. It's not a matter of where he grips it. He often doesn't even use a scalpel. He's more of a hands on doc. He doesn't have hands. That's he's he's more of a hands on doc he doesn't have hands

that's again that's an expression okay well why are they rubbing his balls with peanut butter that's this confusing the incision area Well, we're back from that. So, all right, when we, Jesus, this is the thing that we do. When we last left John Brickley, he had a brilliant Kevin Chudot type of idea that they didn't want you to know about. So what happened next? Oh, oh, uh, Kevin changed his name to Justin and became the president of Canada. I was going to say so close, but not not really. No, but every, he's wrong about every single

thing. So we fast forward to 1918 and Brinkley opens a 16 room medical clinic in Milford, Kansas. At this point, the article turns a little positive and says that Brinkley actually did some good work with the people of the town during the influenza outbreak of 1918. It says that he nursed many of the people back to health and they do not mention that he did this using any animal testicles. Yeah. So in the sand made a hell of a taco salad. Not enough people focus on that.

And you think about it. I wonder if I'd known it. I just, that's it. So now you know. The story of his starting to use gulp balls comes from his biography where he gets the idea to help someone with impotence. He supposedly made a joke to the person about putting up quote,

pair of those buck glands in you. And the person offered him $150 to do the operation. Other reports from the patient's son revealed that the patient was offered a lot of money to go through with it by Brinkley. Yeah, the best medical practices start with 20 bucks, 50 bucks, 75 bucks, 75 bucks. 100 bucks and I'm the back of the centipede.

Final offer. Deal. Wait, front, front, I'm at front. I'm at front. Too late, too late. I'll give you the front if you do the goat balls thing. Fuck, fine, fine. And let me see your diploma.

That's it. No, no, no, no. Well, it turned out that the Goat testicle operation was somewhat successful in the sense that more people wanted them, not that they were efficacious in any way. Right. He would put the nuts in the guy's sack

or he would just place them near the ovaries in the abdomen of the woman and charge $750 for the trouble. This is about $9,000 in today's currency. See, nowadays they just infuse a belt with essence of goat balls and wrap it around your waist. Because millennials are lazy. I'm sorry. Have you ever essentialized a goat testicle in this housing market?

I'm just saying. I just hold on a minute, can we go back just like actual goat, but just stick the goat balls just free floating in there. Yeah, it's just meat. It is. Yes, Tom. Yes, the answer is yes. The testicles and the operations were basically absorbed by the body. So the operation was somewhat

harmless. So harmful, somewhat harmless equals harmful. Right. I guess, yeah, I guess. And Brinkley was not harmless, by the way. He had shitty training, worked on people all drunk, and didn't clean equipment. So people got infections. And the wiki says, quote, an undetermined number died.

Brinkley would be sued more than a dozen times for wrongful death between 1930 and 1941 on a state of a one a year, though. Like that sounds bad. Oh, that's it. Well, and two, if you're voluntarily having goat balls sewn into your body, your death is not wrong for you. You deserve that shit. So why did these people come flocking to Brinkley to stuff foreign matter into their bodies?

Well, the first person to get the operation knocked up his wife. So Brinkley hired advertisers and they came up with a slogan. They can turn a hapless man into the ram that am with every lamb. Great. Andly less offensive than the goat ball-related billboard slogan, Eli wanted to put up. So, you say we should do things for publicity. You want more people listening to show, but then when I'm coming up with the ideas, dude, dude, the eye socket thing didn't even make sense,

though, it's gotta make sense. What are you, what are you, what are you, what are you, what are you, what are you, what are you, what are you, what are you, what are you, what are you, what are you, what are you, what are you, what are you, what are you, what are you, what are you, what are you, what are you, what are you, what are you, what are you, what are you, what are you, what are you, what are you, what are you, what are you, what are you, what are you, what are you, what are you, what are you, what are you, what are you, what are you, what are you, what are you, what are you, what are you, what are you, what are you, what are you, what are you, what are you, what are you, what are you, what are you, what are you, what are you, what are you, what are you, what are you, what are you, what are you, what are you, what are you, what are you, what are you, what are you, what are you, what are you, what are you, what are you, what are you, what are you, what are you, what are you, what are you, what are you, what are you, what are you, what are you, what are you, what are you, what are you, what are you, what are you, what are you, what are you, what are you, what are you, what are you doing? I'm sorry, Heath. I didn't hear you spewing ideas. I came up with pictures. I hired an artist. I went on Fiverr. I got kicked off Fiverr. And then I went on a Craigslist.

You know it was a better idea than that? Nothing. Silence. Yeah. So in 1920, Brinkley traveled to Chicago because another doctor, do we still call these people doctors? Anyway, did we start?

Why did we start calling them doctors? The University of Chicago, there's another, I'm using these air quotes here, doctor, that was putting monkey balls in people. And so Brinkley showed up uninvited and they wouldn't let him in. We do monkey balls only at this hospital. This is serious. Yeah, I feel't get a touch on Charlotte. Tell me there was a big fight. There was a fucking animal ball infusing fight.

Yeah, they're just throwing balls at each other. Like, one of them pulls out a ping pong ball. They can rack it and beat them around. So he's got one tied with a paddle with it. I got it. I'm going to, I'm going to, I'm going to, I'm going to, I'm going to, in the corner, there's a goat crossing its legs. Just watching it. He's got one tied to a paddle with it with a string. I got it. I'm going to work on one. I'm going to work on one. In the corner, there's a goat crossing its legs just watching it. He's got one tied.

He's got a cup. He's like, I can get it in the cup like every time. And that's how it's always trade. That's the first, that was the last class. That was his final. Well, it wasn't a fight, but they, they, they get some press and it helped propel his business even further. And later, the UFC would come, ask him to come back and do some testicle additions to 34 patients

while the press watched. Like Bobby Fisher style, 34 patients. Or like, I'm your surgeon. This is the goat. I'm going to castrate. This is my blindfold. And the Holocaust was fake. Also Chicago pizza is great and

I have reasonable opinions on things. Real quick, the press watched him do it to 34 patients. Like, now you're just jerking off to it. Like, the first dozen or so, you didn't get the idea of what's going to have that. You're just, oh my God, I'm going to do it again, do it again, do it again, do it again. You got all those tabs on your computer. We're all go trans, plant tabs. So in 1922, John gets a call or a Raven or whatever they use in 1922. Uh, a piccolo.

Yeah. What? From a guy. From the guy, I'm not even gonna address it. I'm just moving on. Pee-too. What's a piccolo in here? What? What? From a guy. From the guy, I'm not even gonna address that. I'm just moving on. He's too cute. What's a piccolo in here?

From the guy. It's like a small, boom. Oh, no. Oh, no. Hat. That is what they use. Final answer.

Yeah. So the guy from the L.A. Times Harry Chandler gives him a call and says, Hey, Brinkley come out and do the operation on one of my editors. And he says, I'll make Brinkley quote, the most famous surgeon in America. So he comes out, but his medical license isn't any good in California. So the newspaper owner pulls some strings and gets him a 30 day permit to operate on people, which is a thing they did in 1922. Free market. A permit. So like, you can cut people open, but there's a real doctor standing next to you, just pumping

the brakes, grabbing your scalpel arm, slowing down. You can't do the operation if there's like four people under the age of 15 in your surgical suite. All right, it's sundown, you have to stop. You have to just leave him there. You got to practice a three point incision as a whole. Temporary license to up, but they can't have gone well. Did it go well? Well, the editor didn't die and was fine after. So I guess it's like a slam dunk. The LA time's owner does write about it in his

paper, brinkly then plans to head out there because of all that sweet movie money in Hollywood. But California Medical Board decides to tell him that he can't practice in the state because, quote, his resume was riddled with lies and discrepancies. See, I find that's a great way to start a best friendship. So it's weird. Yeah. I have worked so differently for different people. All right. So what's next?

Does he think this crazy shit on the road? Recognizing the power of the media, Brinkley heads back to Kansas and builds a one kilowatt radio station called KF KB. Around this time, people are starting to crack down on diploma mills and crack doctors and someone comes from California to arrest him for being a fraud. The governor of the state of Kansas, however, decided that Brinkley makes too much money so they declined to extra item. How awesome is whiteness, am I right?

Oh, it has been. It's the best thing. He's just watching a runaway slave get taken away in a petty wagon. I think I'll put a mouse penis in a dog today. America. So Brickley used his station to promote his goat gland transplants, but the programming on the station was like his medical degree eclectic. They played Hawaiian songs, old, timey string music, did some French lessons,

astrological forecasts, and played gospel in early country music. So he makes some fat cash off the radio advertising, and he wound up building up his community by putting inside walks, electricity, apartments, and a new post office because the old one was overwhelmed with all the male's he's getting. He was made an admiral in the Kansas Navy by the governor, which is a joke award because it's Kansas is landlocked, the hilarity. And they also had a baseball team called the Brinkley goats. I bet he wanted to be called the goat balls, but they, they, they cut him off there.

I love it. Which, who knew which are tall, the town that goat balls, but they they they cut them off there. They love it. Which who knew which are tall the town that goat balls built, right? If you shocker, I know they will come. So people who listen to his radio stations would send letters to him. He would answer the medical questions, telling these people to go out and buy his brand of cure all from the local pharmacy. This medicine was marked up like crazy and he got royalties from it. Okay, please tell me he ends up in jail with balls inside of him like Martin Scrolly. Sadly, no, he just got rich.

He generated $14,000 in weekly profit, which calculated to $.5 million dollars a year in the current value. And in that moment, I had a new hero. Animal farm abroad. Well, due to the American medical association, trying to shut him down and the local paper posting stories about his quackery, the medical board pulls his license. There are 42 death certificates that he signed as a doctor. Good, good. This is good. No more medical license. This seems like the right number of medical

licenses actually. It's the right one. So what are we doing next? Well, after losing his medical license, he also lost his broadcasting. Hand in hand. A lot of people don't know that. Hand in hand. So what he does is he decides to run for governor so he could just hand pick the people who would give his licenses back to him. You must have learned something from his time in Chicago.

Oh, how to drink pizza? You know what I mean? I love two points. There's a pizza. I don't think she sounds really delicious. He campaigned on promises of a state lake in every county. That's great. That's great. Lower taxes, better pensions, and appealing to the immigrant vote.

He had a plane that took him to rallies, but even though he was a showman and he ran a pretty tight campaign, he had waited too long to enter the race and he was a right in candidate. Well, they changed the laws on purpose right before the election so that any, any right in candidate had to have his exact name written. So 30 to 50,000 ballots were disqualified and he lost. And if they would have counted, then we would be talking about a former governor and quack. Well, the stories in Kansas right now. So it's not like this guy would have been bad compared to Sam Brown back. You can talk about.

So he tried to run again in 1932 and he lost to a guy named Al Flandon, a space alien that would later see the show about eating quack in the cast. He took a, he took his radio station and sold it and he headed to the Mexican border to broadcast with impunity. So he broadcasts for a few years in Mexico. His station was originally 150,000 watts and eventually became a one million watt station which the article contends was the largest on the planet at the time. He priced so goat balls into the transmitter. It's what it is.

That works. Probably. The radio station was so strong that according to accounts, it could turn on car head lights and could be heard on metal fences. I have no idea if that's true. Really? No idea. You have no idea.

I can't suck it. I hear the radio tower was made of adamantia. It was run by cold fusion and it had the power of invisibility. Brinkley is actually John Gaul. It's all a true story. Absolutely. Atlas Shrug does great. I don't know how radio works.

I'm with you, Cecil. I'm with you. Brinkley eventually lost the radio station when the Mexican government came and closed up his shop because of pressure from the U.S. government. He moved to Texas and he set up shop there doing vasectomies and prostrate rejuvenations. I have no idea what that would be actually. He lied to the nice people at home.

Probably true. He seemed to have a pretty good gig going on down there and with a huge mansion and some other doctor moves into the area and starts doing the same operations but for less money. So Brinkley moves back to Arkansas and he started a business there. And then the guy who's competing with him in Texas then opened up a clinic 150 miles away as competition. It's amazing.

Yeah. Brinkley sees the new billboard for the other guy. 150 miles could save you 15% or more on goat balls. So now you like the slogan. This is the problem. Undercutter's goat balls. Undercutter's goat balls. So he tries to sue a person for libel because they called him a quack and it backfired. He lost the case. The jury stated that, frankly, quote, should be considered a charlatan and a quack in the

ordinary, well understood meaning of those words. Okay. All right. All right. All right. All right. That sounds kind of sounds a little damning. Yeah.

Just a little bit. Yeah. Okay. After that, he's inundated with over three million dollars in losses. The IRS investigates him for tax fraud and he declares bankruptcy. And then the post office investigated him for mail fraud. He was about as healthy as Eli. Let me quote the wiki page here. He suffered three heart attacks and an amputation of one leg, one of his legs due to poor circulation. Jesus. I feel like the cutting off the leg doesn't help.

He wakes up in the hospital. Fuck, am I a centaur now? Flareous guys, hilarious. All right, gotta give it to you. This is actually pretty funny, but what the fuck? All right, gotta give it to you. This is actually pretty funny, but what the fuck? He died on May 26th, 1942, with no money being investigated for mail fraud. All right, Cecil, if you had to summarize what you've learned in one sentence, what would

it be? Forming all these transplants takes balls. Oh, Jesus Christ. Why do we ask that question? Can we stop at it? Every time? And it's okay. Cecil, now you stuffed us with nuts. Are you ready for the quiz? As ready as a one-legged brinkly and an ass kicking contest. Again. All right. I'll go first. I'll go first. What was the most popular song, Brinkley, played on his radio station. Was it A, the kids are all right. B, I like head butts and I cannot lie.

C, great balls of liar. For D, wrecking balls. I'm gonna go with D, wrecking balls. That is correct and i got one for you here uh... according to patient reports what was the most common negative side effect of having goat balls sewn into your body hey

having goat balls sewn into your body ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha B, other. Make these two easy. You know, it's gotta be A. I mean, there's the other. I didn't want to give you too much of a challenge here. All right, all right. So and go balls into people. Seems weird. Granted, fine. What are some other crazy cures for impotence?

A, grinding one out with ground baby crocodile hearts. Okay. B one vote whipping your junk and junkular region with a cat of nine tails to stimulate blood flow. See two votes junkular is an awesome right? Right. See grinding up on wasps stingers or D trying to use your imagination instead of porn hub. No, we crap, I'm not 14.

You don't even know what to think about, right? Like when you were a kid, it just was right there. And I was an adult, you're like, what the, I don't even know what I, what would I eat? You're starting to think about the things. And I know like you're trying to remember porn's your favorite. But they all just blurred it get a black hole man, bubble is just black hole. I choose one of those answers.

All right, and that was the right one. If you can jerk off of your imagination, tweet at us and tell us how you do it, because I can't. I'm mostly choking myself while I do it, which I'm not recommending you do. I don't want to get into it. Actually, just Snapchat that with you. Like, please.

I got one more for you. Which of the following is the best title for John R. Brinkley's memoirs? Is it a Goatie Mcgoat face? Is it B? Strikes and goater balls? Is it C? I'm the guy who put goat balls in human beings by this book. That's an awesome title. Or is it D bleach spay love? Oh my God, how can it not be D? Jesus, D it is, that's amazing. It is correct. Yes, D it's bleach spay love.

Correct. All right, we'll see so nobody stumped you with their made up questions and even more made up answers. So well done or not well done I don't know how that works pick somebody. I guess what I'm saying. I'm gonna choose uninvited Eli I came to mind first We don't have a schedule All right now toss it over to Sarah for last week's Twitter answer and this week's Twitter question.

Thanks Tom. Last week's question was, if you had to fake being crazy, what one phrase would get you committed? The winner was, at the preacher round on Twitter with this answer. I just decided to let Eli babysit my kids. Thanks to everyone for submitting answers. This week's question is, what animal transplant would you get if you had to get one? Pick an animal in a part of its body and tell us why.

Just retweet or Facebook share this episode with your answer for a chance to be next week's winner. Back to you, Tom. Terrific. Well, for Cecil Eli, Noah and Heath, I'm Tom. Thank you for hanging out with us today. We'll be back next week. And by then Eli will be an expert on something else.

Between now and then you can listen to Season 9 on Cognitive Disns, or you can hear a Heath, Eli, and Noah on the Skating Atheist, the Skepticrat, and got an awful movie. And if you'd like to help keep this show going, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com, slash citation pod, or leave us a five star review everywhere you can. And if you'd like to get in touch with us, check out past episodes, connect with us on social media, or check the show notes, be sure to check out citationpod.com. And remember, if you can't beat them, now wait, no, fuck that beat them.

Beat them all! Yeah! Hi, can I help you? Yeah, I got a call that my wife is here, the last name is Cicarello. Yes, yes, have a seat, Mr. Cicarello. Doctor will be with you shortly. Is she okay? Uh, well, uh, just sit tight, the doctor will be right out. Okay, okay, thanks.

Hello, I'm Doctor Nipples. Damn it, Eli. Hello, I'm it. I think it's great. Fuck you guys. That's funny. I can't see salt. She's. Thank you Cecil and nobody else wrong with you guys. That's fucking hilarious. Weirdly aggressive part of our animal farm of bro. I don't know if you guys heard. See, that's the take because we all laugh at it. That's it. That's the take. I don't know if you guys heard. That's the take because we all laugh at it.

Exactly, that's the take. That's the take.