Citation Needed - Julius Cesar

Episode Date: January 10, 2024

Gaius Julius Caesar (/ˈsiːzər/, SEE-zər; Latin: [ˈɡaːiʊs ˈjuːliʊs ˈkae̯sar]; 12 July 100 BC – 15 March 44 BC) was a Roman general and statesman. A member of the First Triumvirate, Caesar led the Roman armies in the Gallic Wars before defeating his political rival Pompey in a civil war, and subsequently became dictator from 49 BC until his assassination in 44 BC. He played a critical role in the events that led to the demise of the Roman Republic and the rise of the Roman Empire.

Hello and welcome! The citation needed! The podcast where we choose to subject, read a single article about it on Wikipedia and pretend we're experts. Because this is the internet, and that's how it works down. I'm Eli Bosnick and I'll be your constant as the Northern Star tonight, but I'll need a gaggle of backstabbers. Noah, Cecil, and Tom.

Oh, you misjudged me, Eli. I'll let you look me right in the eye and go for it. I'll hold them. I'll hold them for you. Oh, Noah. Before we begin tonight, I'll let you look me right in the eye and go and fold it. Thank you. Oh no. Before we begin tonight, I'd like to thank our patrons. Patrons, without you, our sweet, sweet Cecil would have to ask his cats to teleport through bank walls and retrieve the funds he needs to feed them.

Which of course, would awaken the last of the chronomasters and start the fight through time all over again. And if you'd like to learn how to join their ranks, be sure to stick around to the last of the chronomasters and start the fight through time all over again. And if you'd like to learn how to join their ranks, be sure to stick around to the end of the show. And with that out of the way, tell us know what person plays, think, concept, phenomenon, or event. We'll be talking about today. Stay were going to be talking about everybody's favorite genocidal slave owner, Julius Caesar. Ooh, top five for sure. And Cecil, you've learned his shape and form as has often recounted in story and song. Are you ready to kick JC?

Just say what you mean. I hate metaphors too. As well. I miss Heath too. Yes, exactly. All right. So tell us Cecil, who was Julius Caesar? Julius Caesar was a dictator for life in ancient Rome.

The other side of that monkey paw was that that life was less than a single year. I know that's just a linguistic flourish, but I will be picturing him as a baby for the rest of the essays. Thank you for that. He was a statesman, a general governor and aristocrat who lived and thrived during a very tumultuous time in the ancient Roman Empire. He was eventually murdered. He stoned cop style by a group of people.

He thought were his allies and friends. He's a guy who lived over 2000 years ago. We still talk about him because he has a month named after him, which he did. And Francis Bacon or someone wrote a boring play about it. I'm not sure. Wow. Really? So he's all on Heath's week. I wrote that. I wrote that. You do this. All I'm saying is if you leave out his calendar, I'm so sick. I hope I may

have. I may have. Also, I thought Heath was here. I was going to cheer him, but he's not here. So I can't even cheer him. It's terrible. He's not cheering you in a home as he was. I know we're cheering each other long distance cheering. Quick to aggression here at the start. They go through the great trouble of mentioning this in the Wikipedia article. Quote, there is no evidence that Caesar himself was born by Sicilian section. Such operations entailed the death of the mother. But Caesar's mother lived for decades after his birth, and no ancient sources record any difficulty with that birth." The National Institute of Health in the UK says that, quote, "...Roman law under Caesar decreed that all women who died during childbirth must be

cut open, hence cesarean." They also suggest that the names for certain kinds of cuts might also be the origin, but in any case, he was born naturally, and the name of that procedure is for some other reason. That is a very, very weird rule. Like, well, she's dead. I guess now we get to find out if she was really a kinder egg. Hello. I guess it is kind of like salad. Oh. Scholars believe that Gaius Julius Caesar was born in July in the year 100 BC. How could he be born in July? It's named after that's like Jesus wearing a crucifix.

Get it. He was born into the ruling class in Rome. His family, while part of the in crowd, was not particularly powerful. Now in each and Rome, they named a lot of people after each other. So it's kind of hard to understand, but basically his dad had the same name and so did his grandfather. So Guy is Julia Caesar. The granddad has a daughter, Julia and a son, Guy is Julia Caesar, who is Caesar, the granddad has a daughter, Julia and a son, Gaius Julius Caesar, who is Caesar, the dictator's dad. Julia marries a fellow by the name of Gaius Marius, and Julia Caesar's dad marries and has a kid of his own, that he names Gaius Julius Caesar, who would eventually become a giant dictator.

I mean, I'd take over the state by force just to end that name. Yeah, I'm sure. So I fucking get it. So I'm in. That too. Um, now fuck just to end that name. Yeah, so I can get it. So I'm in. That too. Um, now fuck, um, that too. My guy. Bad.

Bad. Bad. Bad. Through marriage with powerful people, namely the seven time console, Gaius Marius, Caesar's family grabs more and more power. Julius Caesar was born and spent his young life during a very tumultuous time in Rome like I said earlier. This was a time of civil wars, general unrest, and his uncle, Gaius Marius eventually becomes

enemies with Sula. The first ever general in Rome's history to seize power by force and become a dictator. Caesar's dad was governor of Asia and quote, in 85 BC, Caesar's father died suddenly while putting on his shoes one morning without any apparent cause and quote, I mean, I think someone just called for guys Julius for the 800. In aneurysm. I feel like maybe somebody should ask more questions of the dude standing behind the body with both hands behind his back going Noah parent cause it all Caesar at 16 is nominated to become a high priest of Jupiter and this coincides with his uncle's Enemy Sula coming back to Rome and eliminating anyone that opposed him Caesar has to marry in order to get the role as a priest and Sula coming back to Rome and eliminating anyone that opposed him.

Caesar has to marry in order to get the role as a priest, and he's ordered by Sula to divorce. He doesn't, and Sula orders him to be killed. Caesar tells Sula to eat his ass, and he isn't coming home. So Sula takes all his wealth. Eventually, any powerful friends that Caesar had smooth things over enough to get him taken off the to kill list, but Julius never returns to Rome while Solla is still in power.

And he never got his asses. Just scratch the all right. Let's go. Because he had to perfect the Maddox salad dressing for it. It says it right here in the anals of history. He's never got his ass eaten. Caesar fucks around in the army for a few years until solidize. He wins a accommodation in battle and is sent as an envoy to secure a fleet of ships from

King Necomities. He spends so much time at the court of the king that for the rest of his life, they'll be rumors that he and the king had an affair. When Sala kicks the bucket, Julius comes back to Rome to become a lawyer. A few years go by and he decides to travel and learn the art of oratory. Ah, yeah, back to the anal English. Nice. While crossing the Aegean C, he's supposedly captured by pirates. Now, this is a famous story and it's hard to know if it's true or if it's just seriously embellished, but here

it is. He's captured and he's ransomed. He protests when he finds out what the ransom is, telling the pirates that it's way too low. He's held for 38 days and during that time, quote, he would participate in his captors games, exercise alongside them and order them to be silent when they were allowed. And quote, he also wrote some poetry and practice oration reading this poetry to the pirates, quote, flatly calling them a literate barbarians if his work was not appreciated. Well, captive Caesar tells them that once he's released, he's going to come back with an army and crucify all of them. They think Caesar's hilarious and they pat him on the head and they send him on his way

when the ransom's paid. And then he did just that. He raised an army caught the pirates, crucified them, but he mercifully slit their throats before they were strung out. Okay, we have very different definitions of merciful. caught the pirates crucified them, but emersively slit their throats before they were strung out. Okay, we have very different definitions of merciful and that's why I'm glad I'm on your side. You think they were really surprised to see it,

okay, but we did burpies together, man. What the fuck? I like poems. Caesar holds several minor political positions in the next few years. He also solidifies a relationship with Pompey, which will have its ups and downs for many years. A bit of an understatement, but yeah. Admittedly.

In the beginning, though, his relationship with him is a huge boon. In 63 BC, at the age of 37, Caesar becomes pontifix maximus, which is like the highest priest of the college of Pontiffs. This appears to be a huge upset to the people who are actually running for that position, and there is some suggestion that Caesar actually just fucking bribed his way into the position. The problem was that Caesar wasn't rich, so he had to be indebted to others to get that position. That was actually the first election where Bernie Sanders said we needed to get money out of politics. 45 years old. And yes, by the way, if that's how it's familiar, that's because that's the same office that the Pope currently has, pontificate some Maximus,

just keep in mind, knowing what they knew about Caesar, that's the office they wanted to conflate the papacy with. He eventually acquired a pretership, which is like a commander of an army. He was sent to Hispania or modern-day Spain. In order to pay his debts, he took his military all around Hispania and he plundered. Now, this is a normal practice for generals to get wealthy in ancient Rome, but in Caesar's case was a little more overt. Quote, Caesar required military victory beyond the normal provincial extortion to pay off his debts.

He campaigned and seized the capital in northwestern Spain, bringing Roman troops to the Atlantic and seizing enough plunder to pay off his debts and quote. Come on, man. We'll fight to the death. I have a bribe I put on way away. Yodo's now having a normal provincial extortion bar to measure things against his cause on the problem. Really, don't it's around this time that Caesar enters into the first triumvirate. This is a political alliance with other

powerful people, one of which is currently his ally, Pompey. The other is the richest man in Rome, Marcus Licinius Crassus. Crassus at the time is censor, who's the guy who takes the census. And blacks out everyone's jummin. blacks out every night. I was jumping. Just to get out the beep. Yeah. There was beep when you swam. Their alliance was formed mainly to band together and overcome other voices in the Senate and push their own legislation that benefited them. I guess there is some scholarly controversy over calling their alliance this because I

guess it sounds way too conspiratorial. In any case, the reason it was formed is because Caesar actually metaphorically mended offense between the two other members and they were all like, Hey, bro, let's start a podcast, man. Okay. C. So let's be clear. Caesar's reign would end way more nicely than most podcasts break. So, okay, you said much more, I guess it's original. Caesar was console at this time and he actually accomplished several notable feats. He initiated transparency by publishing the minutes of the Senate and assemblies, highlighting

the Senate's responsibility to the public. He passed a land reform bill designed to distribute property to a Pompey's veterans and the urban poor and and use this influence to get command and gall, where he would go up and rack up victory after victory with the Roman army. All right, well, it looks like Caesar's a great guy who's going to stay that way, so I don't read ahead and get his name tattooed on my forehead. We'll take a quick break for some apropos of nothing.

We could just follow this star, nor... Yeah, no, that one looks great. I think, I think, HIPPTEN! Hi, hi, Julius, can I help you? Indeed you can. First things first, any word on my rant song. No, Julius, letters take like a super long time right now. Yes, you've said, alright, fine. More important is the disrespect that I was shown last night at my reading.

Your reading? Yeah, he did like a poetry reading or something. Like a reading was right. I was hardly an hour in when people started talking during it. The whole crew must be flocking at it. They must. Julius, I've told you this, we're not going to vlog the crew for talking during your poems. Poetry reading captain, the theater is a sacred space.

Please let me throw him overboard. Please. Please. Look Julius, I will tell the crew to be more mindful of, you know, theatrical decorum or whatever when you're reading your poems. Okay. And maybe you shorten your readings a little bit. Right? Maybe, you know, kind of meet the man in the middle? Fine, fine, but without the interstitial sound baths, they're not going to understand any of it, just so you know. I feel like they're gonna manage. I'm gonna murder all of you. Good, Jesus.

And we're back. When we left off, Caesar was a down-to-earth man of the people, whom's leadership invigorated towards kindness and public service. What happened next, Caesar? Caesar went a lot of battles in Gaul. and public service. What happened next, he's all, he's all, he's all, he's all, he's all, he's all, he's all, he's all, he's all, he's all, he's all, he's all, he's all, he's all, he's all, he's all, he's all, he's all, he's all, he's all, he's all, he's all, he's all, he's all, he's all, he's all, he's all, he's all, he's all, he's all, he's all, he's all, he's all, he's all, he's all, he's all, he's all, he's all, he's all, he's all, he's all, he's all, he's all, he's all, he's all, he's all, he's all, he's all, he's all, he's all, he's all, he's all, he's all, he's all, he's all, he's all, he's all, he's all, he's all, he's all, he's all, he's all, he's all, he's all, he's all, he's all, he's all, he's all, he's all, he's all, he's all, he's all, he's all, he's all, he's all, he's all, he's all, he's all, he's all, he's all, he's all, he's all, he's all, he's all, he's all, he's all, he's all, he's all, he's all, he's all, he's all, he's all, he's all, he's all, he's all, he's all, he's all, he's all, he's all, he's all, he's all, he's all, he's all, he's all, he's all, he's all, he's all, he's all, he's all, almost the sole source for events in Gal in this period." So the lack of other sources is really Gal. So while I regale you with his stories about an amazing general taking it to the Gals, understand that it's basically still Dre

but with less rhyming. But according to Wikipedia, he racked up eight victories, one decisive victory and one defeat, which gives him a better record than most football teams going into week 11. Okay, and to be fair, that fat guy and his short friend, they were really strong. Right, we were the last. I feel like they'd given a genocide a win-loss record as weird.

That's just a weird thing to do. While I'd love to recount all these battles for you, there's only so much sighing even I can take. So I'm going to skip them. And our friendship will endure another episode. So thank you. The Warren Gaul starts in 50 APC when Caesar is 42 and it lasts until he's 49 in 51 BC. During that time, his power in the Senate waxes and wanes, his allies, Pompey and Crasseuse, use their power to get themselves appointed as commanders in different lands, and also get Caesar more time to plunder Gaul and to settle things down up north. In 53 BC, the triumvirate loses a leg when Crasas dies in campaign in Turkey.

Side note here, Crasas's head was brought to what is now Armenia presented to the king of those lands, and then it was used as a prop in a play with Crasas now part of the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, muppetational play. most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, muppetational play. Back in our taxi. Relations between Caesar and Pompey

started to deteriorate. Pompey also lost his wife during childbirth and she was Caesar's daughter. With both of those tethers to Caesar gone, his wife and his dead wife and crashes, Pompey joins the other political faction. At this point, he is the military power in Rome, and he convinces the Senate to dissolve Julius's governorship in Gaul and then orders Caesar to come back to Rome and relinquish

all his power. Caesar says, how about cheat my ass instead? And then he marched his troops to Rome for a confrontation with Pompey. No takers on the ass. I used the communal ass sponge. No one. I had to sell it. Still no.

I'm telling you, I did. Fucking crutons are no fun for me. This is all for you. It's for you. I'm doing this for you here. What are these? Pumpernickel? They're brown.

Weird. Caesar, 2000 and 73 years ago today marched his troops across the Rubicon. Now, this, of course, is a turn of phrase to indicate the point of no return. The Rubicon was a river on the northernmost boundary of Rome. Him bringing his troops across it, it meant that he was ready for a fight. He was ready, but Pompey ran, and so did all the consoles in a lot of the Senate. With most of his opposition on the run, he decided to take a few weeks in Rome to raid the Treasury and have one of his allies make him dictator.

Caesar was not done with Pompey, and he chased himself. Pompey eventually fled to Greece. Caesar turned his attention to defeating Pompey's armies and started a mop-up world tour. He lost the confrontation in Africa, but he won in Spain and in Sicily. He begins to chase Pompey again and he almost catches him in what would be modern-day Albania, but Pompey flees to Egypt. Pompey had allies there and thought to gather them and then take the fight to Caesar. Well, when he landed, the Egyptians thought it would be better to be on Caesar's good side and they killed Pompey right there on the spot.

Caesar lands three days later and asks if anyone saved him some. And while there, he decided to help overthrow the current ruler, Tyle, let me to 13th and install Cleopatra as queen after he's caught up in Egypt. The people of Rome decide to renew his dictatorship in absentia. Hey, buddy. We heard you were on a genocidal campaign of slaughtering your enemies. So we kept your throne nice and warm for you. slaughtering your enemies. So we kept your throne nice and warm for you. Just a big fan. Okay. It looks like the final vote, Tally is 107% of the citizens voted for you, my leash. And still the least corrupt vote, Natalya politics.

Yeah. Yeah. He and Cleopatra are besieged at one point by Tolomey's forces and he knocks Cleopatra up waiting for reinforcements. Seems like a slow way to build up your army. Yeah. Bon. Sure, yeah. No, yeah.

When he joins with the allied forces, he defeats Tolomey and he makes Cleopatra queen. She gives birth to his son, Sazarian. He then travels north to Antolia to take back lands from the King of Crimea. He defeats those forces at Zella, which is modern day Turkey. In a battle so blasé, he is compelled to write the famous line, Vinny Vidivici, which is, I came, I saw, I conquered. See, I always need at least a half an hour between coming and conquering, so good. Yeah.

Dude, at my age, I need a couple minutes between coming and seeing. Sure. Yeah. Caesar then goes on something of a world tour to kick the asses of the people who were trying to unseat him from power. He marches on Kato's

troops in Utica, and instead of finding out what Caesar's going to do to him, Kato just kills himself. So did two other people from the anti-Cesar party, Skipio and Juba. Caesar heads to Rome to take out time for important matters, Triumphs, which were gigantic ceremonies to commemorate victories in war. He then heads off to Spain to win a battle there to scatter the last The Pompies loyal forces who were being led by one of his sons First I will throw a big party from me to me and then we will route our I said believe us four big parties from him to him, but yes That was pretty much it. I didn't include this but he actually I said, believe it was four big parties from him to him, but yes, that was, yeah, it was

pretty much it. I didn't include this, but he actually, one of the parties he threw was because he killed a bunch of Romans and that like totally got him on the bad side of everybody in Rome. Everybody's like, dude, that's so gauche. Like you can throw parties for other people, but don't you dare throw it for Romans. I'll dare you. So he never slowed down while he was a dictator either. He was battling or he was triumphant or he was getting on the bad side of a lot of powerful people

in Rome. But he never he did change the calendar. What did he do? Anything with the calendar? He started on the calendar. No. But he never stayed still. He was elected dictator four years in a row. It was in February where he took the title Dictator Perpetuo, which means dictator for life. That seems like the final straw to his opposition and they would plan his assassination a little over a month later. Contrary to what some think, he was not emperor,

that title would belong to his successor Augustus right whose greatest triumph was apparently not being named Caesar oh no spoiler rely he most definitely was also season yes he's eventually Julius Caesar had planned to go to partha on campaign in the next few days and the assassins who were all part of the senate needed to kill him before he left for war. They decided to kill him on the Senate floor to send a message that this was in fact political and they believed he was consolidating too much power. He was stabbed on the Senate floor on March 15th, 44 BC. Some sources say that while he was getting shanked, he grabbed a stiff quill and he tried

to stab the people attacking him. He allowed to get the sword as wayminder to defend. Oh, God. He shot us wrong. Stupid. Stooped as poets. Uh, uh, sort of cosmic justice here. He died at the feet of the statue of Pompey, stabbed 25 to 35 times.

Okay, maybe Mitch McConnell was just bracing himself and we thought it was just, he's just getting ready. I feel like for legal reasons, I should emphasize at this point to Eli that this is not an essay about Supreme Court reform. This is a historical essay. I mean, but it could be. It could also be that.

No, one of these people who stabbed Caesar was Brutus, who was his political rival. Brutus and Caesar were long ago political allies, but when Julius started a civil war, Brutus sided with Pompey. He actually aided Pompey in his army and when, quote, Pompey was defeated, Brutus surrendered to Caesar who granted him amnesty. And quote, while dying, Caesar is said to have uttered you to child or as Francis Bacon said, at two Brutei. Okay, even if it is a better translation to you to fam fam,

let's stick with the greatest line in literature. It's all right. The best part about Julia. Never metaphor. You love it. Never metaphor. The best part about Julia. See for he. Best part about Julia Caesar's death was that the assassins so fixated on killing Caesar never really had a plan for what happened after, and thus killing an all-powerful dictator paved the way for Rome's first emperor, Augustus.

All right, and if you had to summarize what you've learned in one sentence, Cecil, what would it be? If you don't want a Caesarian, have a plan B. And are you ready for the quiz? I am. Let's do it. All right. Cecil, everything we study and remember about ancient Rome and its leaders was it seems written by those very leaders. It seems like he brought. Yep.

Why? Hey, well, imagine if Eli wrote his own auto bag. Fair. Yeah, no. B. Well, not wrote it for say, but shared some notes with his mom so she could write it. I would know better. Or see plot twist. There was no Lee Bennett guys Hopkins award for them. Definitely see plot twist. No, Lee Bennett guys Hopkins. There was not a lot. It does have jealous jealousy.

See, so you took several opportunities this episode to slander what is perhaps the greatest play written by my close personal friend, William Shakespeare, but you shouldn't have why. Hey, that's Heath spit and you can't steal it just because I can do whatever I want. Be a lady swallows hot coals as a way of killing yourself and that is hardcore as it is. It is pretty hardcore admittedly. See the fault lies not in our stars but in ourselves gave us a 1599 origin to fuck around and find out or D you're just to the Jesus Christ Jesus Christ

it's definitely that last one to your just that's the one yeah that's the one yeah that one no no who's gonna win yeah but I know who's gonna lose all right I want what would be the best name No, no, who's gonna win yet, but I know who's gonna lose. All right. I have one. What would be the best name for video game about Julius Caesar? Okay.

Hey, Grand Theft Autocracy. Be I'd or die. See? Nice. July's of P. Fantastic. Thank you. Or D. Golf doot. Oh, they're also good.

A secret answer, ee, all the above. It is all any above damage. Oh, so good. All right, well, Cecil, nobody managed to stomp you this week, which means you are our winner. Well, I would like to choose Noah, and hopefully he writes a theme essay based on the one I did today, we'll see. Alright, well for Tom, Cecil, and Noah, I'm Eli Bosnick, thank you for hanging out with us today.

We'll be back next week and by then Noah will be an expert on something else. But we now and then you can send what I'm sure are thousands of angry letters demanding the return of the sketch. I don't know, struggle. Press that button, you forgot about it. We all forgot about it. It that button, you forgot about it. I was so much enjoying it, but we all forgot about it. We all forgot about it. It's canon, we forgot about it. So we did forget about it. We forgot about it.

And if you'd like to help keep the show going, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash citation pod, or leave us a five star review everywhere you can. And if you'd like to get in touch with us, check out past episodes, connect with us on social media, or check the show notes. Be sure to check out citationpod.com.

I hope our PO box has a place for those letters because it's not all filled with that sketch is really awkward letters that we get from everybody, so I hope. We haven't checked it in a couple of seconds, yeah. We're in captain. As promised, I have returned with an army at my back and revenge on my mind. It appears that way, Julius. But since you were kind to me when I was in your quarter, I shall be merciful. If you are willing to listen to one last poetry read.

I choose death. I also choose death. Hmm, boo. I choose death. I also choose death. Boo.