Citation Needed - Lola Montez

Episode Date: March 20, 2024

Eliza Rosanna Gilbert, Countess of Landsfeld[1] (17 February 1821 – 17 January 1861), better known by the stage name Lola Montez (/moʊnˈtɛz/), was an Irish dancer and actress who became famous as a Spanish dancer, courtesan, and mistress of King Ludwig I of Bavaria, who made her Gräfin von Landsfeld (Countess of Landsfeld). At the start of the Revolutions of 1848 in the German states, she was forced to flee. She proceeded to the United States via Austria, Switzerland, France and London, to return to her work as an entertainer and lecturer.

Hello and welcome. Citation needed. Podcasts where you choose a subject, read a single article about it on Wikipedia and pretend we're experts because this is the internet and that's how it works now. I'm Cecil and I'll be introducing our dancers tonight. We're joined by Tap, Belly and Ballroom. Noah, Eli and Tom. I bet Eli's less offended by being Belly than he is by not being Tap. Yeah, it burns me again. No, it burns me once again. I see. So it's less of a ball room and more of a ball alcove.

It's like a ball niche. Patrons, you put the swing in our stuff. And if you'd like to learn how to join their ranks, be sure to stick around until the end of the show. And with that out of the way, tell us Tom, what person, place, thing, concept, phenomenon, or event we'll be talking about today. We'll be talking today about Lola Montez. Oh, are you ready to increase your word count with an intro paragraph anecdote for us?

I am Cecil, and I'll read it slowly to get... Perfect. I gotta go get something to drink so it'll work out. One of the things that I think about, likely rather more often than I should, is what kind of legacy I will leave when I'm gone. What kind of life I will have lived and what I will accomplish. Sometimes I even imagine that I may be doing okay in this department. But every once in a while I run across the bio of someone who has in a

stunningly short amount of time, lived more life than any 10 people I have ever met. Lola Montez definitely fits that bill. And while this won't be the story of a woman of traditional accomplishments, what I love about Lola is that she lived her life with a wild abandon of fullness that is its own achievement. Oh, if abandoning fullness is an achievement, I've been crushing life since I gave up fried foods and red meat. It's the saddest thing anyone's ever said on this show.

Born in Grange, Ireland in 1821. We've talked about genocide. It's still the saddest thing I've ever heard in this show. I stand by what I said. I've been facing a bunch of future crimes. It's still the saddest thing I've ever heard in the show. I stand by what I said. I've just made you a bunch of future crimes. It's a whole thing. I stand by what I said. I can't have fried bacon.

I can't have fried bacon, people. Sympathy. Born in Grange, Ireland in 1821 to Ensign Edward Gilbert and Elizabeth Oliver, Lola's life was anything but ordinary from the beginning. Since all of Ireland was, at this time, part of the United Kingdom, and since Lola's life was anything but ordinary from the beginning. Since all of Ireland was, at this time, part of the United Kingdom and since Lola's dad was in the UK military, the family was frequently on the move. She was baptized in Liverpool, England, while the family was making their way to India for

Edward's post. Pretty much as soon as they arrived in India, however, Edward died of cholera, as was the fashion in the day, which left the young family in something of a pickle. Unfortunately, Lola's mom was evidently something of a looker, and at the ripe old age of 19, she pretty much immediately remarried, this time to Lieutenant Patrick Craigie, who committed to raising Lola as his own. At least that was his intention. That's what he said on Tinder Messenger.

Right. Right. Exactly. But see, Lola was a huge, extravagant, delightful pain in the ass. And so the newlyweds decided to ship Lola off to Scotland to live with Patrick's father. Scottish climes did nothing to quell Lola's wild ways, however, a fact which Wikipedia makes clear with these two anecdotes, quote, On one occasion, she stuck flowers into the wig

of an elderly man during a church service. On another, she ran through the streets naked. I mean, those are things I've done this week, and I assure you, Scotland would only make it worse, so I don't know. Right, but, you know, whoever said I bet Scottish culture cultural calm her right down shouldn't be allowed to talk anymore.

Haven't met those people. Now old Scottish Craig, he put up with young Lola until she turned 10 when he learned that a boarding school in Sunderland, England was owned by the family and he could ship her off to said boarding school, which he did with a presumed sigh of very heavily accented relief. Lola's time at this boarding school was marked by her trademark temper and determination, two words I pilfered from the wiki, and which when combined means someone who will get mad at you and hurt you for a long time with a very clear conscience.

She was transferred a year later to a new boarding school. This time in bath. Okay. It says a lot about you that you look at the word determination and immediately assumed it meant prolonged vengeance. Tom, I just want to apologize for a lot of the things I've said. You're on the list. So things must've been a little better at this boarding school or possibly the

food was better because Lola managed to stay at this one until she met Lieutenant Thomas James at the tender age of 16. They quickly eloped and once again Lola was off to India trailing behind a man with a colonialist military mission. Not to fret however because Lola only managed to stay married to the lieutenant for five years when she separated from him in Calcutta, took up a stage name and became a dancer. A sexy dancer. And it is here that I should say that Lola is the stage name. Lola's actual given name was Eliza, but that is the same name that her mother Elizabeth

also went by and I thought that was annoying and confusing and so I didn't mention it earlier. Lola headed next to London and she debuted as Lola, the Spanish dancer, which amuses me since Lola is Irish and she learned to do her sexy dances in India and she is now performing in England. While there however, Lola was recognized as the former Mrs. James and this connection to a respectable military man killed the boners of the dudes who knew her. Her dancing career stalled out and Lola headed to the continent to dance in Paris and Warsaw, where she was much more successful as a dancer and where she also

began her new life as a court. So weird standard coming up to the stage, the lovely Lola and we can assure you that we do not know who she's married to let's give it up That oversized military coat is not Now a court is on for those not up on their 19th century lingo is a prostitute who primarily takes on wealthy clientele Yeah, a prostitute for guys who still want to be able to look down on men who hire prostitutes, yes. That's exactly what it is. While working in Paris, Lola met and had an affair with Franz Liszt, a very famous Hungarian

composer who was basically a rock god at the time. Franz introduced Lola to Georges Sand, a famous French novelist, more famous at the time. Now, Frans introduced Lola to George Sand, a famous French novelist, more famous at the time, in fact, than Victor Hugo or Balzac, and who ran in very rarefied... How's that pronounced? Oh, no, it's Balzac. Ball? No, is it Balzac?

Yeah, I'm just delighted that our friend Cecil learned about the author Balzac right here. I've never heard of this guy before. When you hug him, does he cough? His left side is bigger than his right. Walking a little crooked all the time. George Sand ran in rarefied social circles. Using her connections, Lola toured and danced

across many of Europe's capital cities before settling back into Paris and re-establishing a relationship with the literary bohemians of the city including Alexandre Dumas who she began an affair with for time. To be fair if I'd been given the choice I'd have fucked Alexandre Dumas rather than reading Three Musketeers too so you know. Alright don't try to take hate and great literature while Heath isn't here to defend himself Eli we see what you're trying to do. I'm just saying, he takes my Shakespeare stuff. It's fine. It's fine.

More than one person can hate literature. I think that's allowed. Weird PSA. Cecil, having tried to teach it for a minute, I can attest to that. Yes, more than one person can hate it. Cecil having tried to teach it for a minute, I can attest to that. Yes, more than one person can hate it. Lola's next or possibly concurrent dalliance was with Alexandre Dujarriere, who owned the biggest newspaper in France and who was also the big drama critic at the time.

Dujarriere helped to push Lola's dancing career even further ahead, but Lola was nowhere near as good for him as he was for her. After they got into a fight about whether Lola should attend a party or not, DuJarriere, upset about the fight, got drunk and attended said party. While he was there, he offended some guy with a very long French name I'm not going to pronounce, and those two ended up in a duel which dujarier lost and he died Lola moved on. All right. Well Lola is mixing and mingling with only the best dead people

So let's take a break and see where this goes next I tell you, this Lola is the most lovely enchantress you will ever see. And you say she'll attend tonight's ball? Indeed, in fact, here she is now. Lola, my lady, welcome. So I'm waiting here to take a major fucking dump on the carriage on the way over. Here she is now, Lola. My lady, welcome. Sorry I'm late, I had to take a major fucking dump in the carriage on the way over. You were waylaid?

No, I told you I had to take a fucking dump in the carriage. I see, Lola, this is Alexandra Dumas, perhaps the greatest novelist in the world. You are too kind. Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever. Look, if you want to do more, you're gonna have to fucking buy me TGI Fridays. And then you gotta wait because you do not want to go spelunking

during flood season, if you know what I mean. Indeed. Lola. What? I've heard that you are the most fascinating of dancers. Might you entertain us tonight? That depends. Does your fiddle guy know drops of Jupiter by train? No.

And no dice. Now I gotta go take a shit. I thought you went in the carriage on the way over. Well this one isn't too bad. I like fucking dude, okay? I see. I thought she's ravishing. Isn't she?

She's shitting in the punch bowl. Ravishingly. Oh yes, quite. Hi, I'm No Illusions. And I am Señor Pets. Come on! He literally taped himself to the chair. So pull him! You pull him.

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Tom, you're not helping, man! All right. So far, Lola has gotten notoriety by banging some famous people. So she's like 1840s Kardashian. What happens next? Well, this time she moved to Munich where she was quickly discovered by the King of Bavaria, Ludwig I. Now the story of their meeting is really the stuff of poetry. You see, the King, upon seeing the buxom Lola,

called out, asking if dem titties were real, whereupon the ever demure Lola ripped her bodice such that there was no question as to the veracity of them titties and thus began their love story. For real, that is real. That is how they met. And it's still better than the couple who met in high school.

Sorry, Noah. No, no, I get it. I get it. We're the exception, not the rule. And now Lola became, for a time, pretty the rule. And now Lola became for a time pretty fucking important. Is it King Ludwig was just absolutely in lust with Lola and she knew it and used it wielding considerable influence over the King, the Bavarian people fucking hated her.

They knew Lola was in the King's ear among other places and Lola's arrogance and temper won her very few friends among the citizenry, particularly since she was angling to become a naturalized Bavarian citizen. And Lola was working that angle because what she really wanted was to fuck the king so hard he made her nobility. Exactly, and Suits wasn't even that good a show, everybody. So yeah, Tom gets it.

Now she did and he did and on the King's next birthday August the 25th 1847 King Ludwig I made Lola Montes the Spanish dancer the Countess of Landfilled and Baroness of Rosenthal and he granted her a quite sizable annuity. Lola was ecstatic, and for over a year she became quite a considerable political force in Bavaria, favoring liberalism and dogging the Catholics and Jesuits. Okay, when you say dogging the Catholics and Jesuits, I assume you mean something different than what sprang to my mind? Given Lola, who knows? Given Lola, who knows?

She was so powerful indeed that the minister of state who had opposed Lola being granted nobility and the titles was dismissed along with his entire cabinet after Lola succeeded. Oh, what's up? It's like that dress scene in Pretty Woman, right? Big mistake. In March of 1848, a whole bunch of crazy shit began to pop off in Bavaria, led by the students

at Munich University. The King, at Lola's insistence, closed the university, but the revolutions of 1848 would not be contained. The university was reopened, the revolutionary movement gained power, Ludwig the Horny abdicated his throne, and Lola fled Bavaria. Thus ending her brief stint as an Irish-born English-educated Indian-trained exotic dancer turned Bavarian noblewoman.

Lola bounced around a bit, hoping for a short time to be reunited with Ludwig. But when that didn't happen, she made her way back to London, where she met and married George Trafford Heald, a cornet in the armony who had coincidentally, I'm sure, recently inherited a tidy sum of money. However, Lola wasn't really free to remarry since a stipulation of her divorce from Thomas James was that neither could remarry while one or the other was still alive. Well, that stipulation sets up entirely the wrong incentives, I think. Those newlyweds, they raise the ire of Heald's scandalized aunt, who raised the bigamy action

against the pair, and Lola and George fled London, first for France and then to Spain. Tom has a similar agreement in his divorce. He's not allowed to have any money while his ex is alive, so. All laugh. Unfortunately, their love would not last. And neither would George. In less than two years from exchanging their vows, the relationship was falling apart and, I'm sure entirely coincidentally, Lola's still fresh husband drowned.

Lola, now with an inheritance of her own, set her sights on America. The average age in 18, whatever was 11. Stop acting like Lola kept a vial of cyanide around her neck, like a mystery novel. Well, I give it the propensity for over my dead body clauses in the contracts at the time. I feel like that should just been standard feminine. Hat pin, hat pin. Yeah, right. Yeah. Lola's American dance revival was a rousing initial success.

She performed as an actress and dancer across the Eastern United States. And in May of 1853, Lola headed west to San Francisco, where her performances created sensation until a popular satire began to diminish her appeal, whereupon Lola once more coincidentally found love. The lucky groom this time was Patrick Hall, a newspaper man who brought the couple to Grass Valley for their relationship to disintegrate, likely because Lola was cheating on Patrick with a local doctor.

And that doctor, named as a co-respondent in the divorce against Lola was mysteriously murdered Mysteriously with mysteries that are unknown. Okay, I would like to retract my last bit Getting coincidency around here Getting coincidency around here. Yeah, a lot of coincidence all of a sudden. Now in 1855, Lola left the US to tour Australia, bringing entertainment to the miners at the gold diggings during the gold rush of the 1850s. According to historian Michael Cannon, quote, in September of 1855, she performed her erotic

spider dance, raising her skirts so high that the audience could see she wore no underclothing at all. Next day, the Argus thundered that the performance was utterly subversive to all ideals of public morality. Respectable families ceased to attend the theater, which began to show heavy losses. Did she flash her bush at a kid's matinee? What is happening? That's what it sounds like, man. There's a magician waiting in the wings fuck. I knew I should have gone first

We're spinning way too a little of our energy focused on why it was called the spider Razors weren't popular like no Lola Lola was not wanting to take a bad review lightly. When she read a different bad review that particularly irked her, Lola found that editor and she beat him with a whip. Which we are not allowed to do when our podcasts get a bad review, even though that would be fun and fair and maybe consider how much you want to test my need for restraint before you type out some bullshit because I've had a lot of stress the last few years and I'm not saying Lola was right but I may have set some money aside for a lawyer just in

case. No he didn't I've seen his divorce agreement everybody you're fine. Whatever you want. Okay, but I do have a bug out back. Okay? Maybe I don't have a lawyer. Other reviews of the same erotic spider dance were rather more enthusiastic in the land down under. When she performed at Castle Main in 1856, she was rapturously encored by a mesmerized municipal council

who had adjourned their council meeting early to attend her performance. Even that performance had its low points though when after being gently heckled, Lola unleashed a tirade of insults against the audience and effectively ended her career in Australia. And thus she headed back to San Francisco. Her manager for the Australia tour mysteriously was lost at sea

in a mysterious mystery on the way back. Alright, so I already liked Lola, but the fact that she once unleashed a series of insults so bad she had to leave the continent she was on has made her my extreme. Yeah, for sure. Now upon returning to America, Lola took a hard turn after failing to revive her dance career

and began a series of moral lectures of all things. Really? Yeah, I couldn't find one. I did look, I couldn't find one. The once wild woman was finally calming down, though likely because she was beginning to show symptoms of tertiary syphilis. According to the Philadelphia Press, Lola was now quote, living very quietly uptown, because she was beginning to show symptoms of tertiary syphilis.

According to the Philadelphia Press, Lola was now quote, living very quietly uptown, doesn't have much to do with the world's people. Some of her old friends, the Bohemians, now and then drop in to have a little chat with her, and though she talks beautifully of her present feelings and way of life, she generally by way of parenthesis takes out her little tobacco pouch, and makes a cigarette or two for self and friend, and then falls back upon old times with decided gusto and effect. But she doesn't tell anybody what she's going to do. Lola's body began to slowly waste and fail, and in 1861 Lola died. She was 39 years old.

Jesus. That's it. If you had to summarize what you learned in one sentence. What would it be? There is more power in a Bavarian cream pie than I ever thought Yeah, are you ready for the quiz yeah, why not all right I got one for you Tom Um, what was the most popular ride at the Lola Montez theme park a the Lola coaster? Space months Montez theme park. A, the Lola coaster. B, Space Montez. Fantastic. I kind of like that one.

This one's great. C, the divorce go round. Or D, Lola Montez. Oh man. Trick question. A and D are the same so I will go with a All right, all right Tom after her skirt lifting dance the Australians gave her a nickname. What was it boy? Oh boy a open box jellyfish a full frontman. C. A womb bat.

Or D. Expatopus. Oh. Oh. Expatopus. Expatopus. That's good. Expatopus.

You are right. Amazing. I think. Yeah, sure. All right. Tom, it's obvious that Lola Montez was the wrong stage name. What should she have gone with instead?

A, the crack widow. B, the you'll be miss Tris or C, ride him and weep. What I like about your your your puns, Eli, is just the long pregnant pauses in them. While we while we get while we get sure I'll go with. Or not right, not right. Oh, yeah, it's it's it's not right. Yeah, it's going to win.

No, fuck. Yeah. Which one was it? That one. He's pointed. He's pointed. You win. You win. Thank you. I want an essay from Noah next week because he didn't point out any obvious mean things

about my pose. Okay, well for Tom, Eli, Noah, and an absent Heath, I'm Cecil. Thanking you for hanging out with us today. We'll be back next week and by then Noah will be an expert on something else. Between now and then you can listen to all our amazing podcasts. Just send us an email and we can send you our 900 page PDF of all of them. And if you'd like to help keep this show going, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash citation pod or you could leave us a five star review everywhere you can.

If you'd like to get in touch with us, check out past episodes, connect with us on social media or check the show notes. Be sure to check out citationpod.com. Which is why sweet Lola, if you will, I'd like to ask you to be my bride. I'm sorry. What were you saying? I was, I was wiping with the inside of my dress. You could have told me. I don't like to look at you.

That's fair, my dear. Hey there, everyone. We wanted to let you in on a little bit of patron content that we put up every once in a while, a reading of a fan fiction. Now this particular fan fiction is called My Immortal, and it is rife with misspelling so it is being read exactly as it's written. This is a

short piece from the latest installment of My Immortal. We've done three others in the past and plan to do a few more after this. So if you want to get in on this patron content all you have to do is go to patreon.com slash citation pod and become a patron on a per episode basis. It's available to all our patrons. We hope you enjoy this little taste. All day. I wondered what the surprise was. Meanwhile, I put on a black letter mini, a black corset with Erpolis all over it. And black gothic compact boots. Compact boots. I love that so much. It's tiny little boots.

Just got to use little tiny boots. Well, because you can park anywhere with compact boots. That's not a nice thing about it. You get the great gas mileage. They let you stand anywhere you want in the concert. You can stand all the way up in front. You're allowed to use EV spaces too. Yeah.

MCR were going to the concert again since Vlada Mart had taken over the last one. I slit my wrists while I moshed to MCR in my bedroom all night, feeling excited. Suddenly someone knocked on the door while I was trying on some black clothes and moshing to fang you for Da Venom. I got all mad and turned it off, but sacredly I hopped inside that it was Draco so we could do it again. Just to be clear one more time,

now she's moshing around by herself, holding a knife in one hand while trying on a bunch of clothes and just like tripping all over the place, shit around her angles, smashing into furniture, just ruining this room. Somebody watch it. That's what I picture you doing in your private time, Heath.

So now the focus is really switched. Irrelevant. What the fucking hell are you doing? I shouted angrily. It was Lupin. Are you gonna come rape me or what? I yelled. I don't know. I was allowed to say that because Dumbledore had told us all to be careful around him

and snap since he was a pedo. I feel like more action is required by the guy running the school. I guess this is a step up from the Catholic school policy. So we'll go through that with it. Yeah, yeah, Catholic school policy is don't ask, don't tell, I guess this is a step up from the Catholic school policy, so we'll go for a roll with it. Yeah, yeah, Catholic school policy is don't ask, don't tell, I guess. All right. No, actually, get it, hell. Can I please borrow some condoms? He growled angrily.

Sure, yeah, but you need to give them back when you're done. Yeah, so you can fuck your six year old girlfriend, huh? I shouted sarcastic. Alley fucker. He said going away. Well, that was a worthy little subplot. I'm glad that happened. That's good.

Yeah, that's all done now. Well anyway, I put on some black eye eye shadow, black eyeliner and some black lipstick and white foundation. Not necessarily in that order. I hope it was that order though. That would be amazing. Then I went. Then I gasped.

Wait for it. Two. Wait for it. Snake and loop. And we're in the middle of the empty hall doing it. And Dobby was watching. Don't make this weird Dobby, come on. Just give me that sack when you're done.

Oh my God, you ludicrous idiot. They both shoot it angrily Both shoot it angrily when they saw me Dobby ran away. Yes, they got up though Normally, I would have been turned on. I love seeing guys do it, but both of them were fucking preps BTW snack is muv to Gryffindor now. Oh, thank you for the clarification. I was this was hard to follow until just now. WTF is that why you wanted condoms? I asked sadistic castilly.

See, I spelled that. Listener, the only word spelled correctly and see, I spelled that. Listener, the only word spelled correctly in C I spelled that is I. Only you wouldn't give them to me. It might be an L. We don't know. Only you wouldn't give them to me. Lump. I could have shouted angrily. And now Snake is Pregante.