Citation Needed - Odd Screw Lengths

Episode Date: April 1, 2024

At a minimum, a screw drive is a set of shaped cavities and protrusions on the screw head that allows torque to be applied to it.[1][2] Usually, it also involves a mating tool, such as a screwdriver, that is used to turn it. Some of the less-common drives are classified as being "tamper-resistant".

Hello and welcome. Citation needed. Podcasts where you choose a subject, read a single article about it on Wikipedia and pretend we're experts. Because this is the internet. That's how it works now. I'm Cecil and I'll be tightening the bolts on this wreck, but I'll need some oddly shaped heads to do it.

First up, two guys who would rather screw off than screw up, Eli and Noah. And I'm all turned around about it, Cecil. It's a twisted way to look at it. Also joining us tonight, two men raised to always hand their dads exactly what they needed, or else, Keith and Tom. Yeah, it was often a bottle and then a belt. For me it was always just holding the flashlight, Cecil. And my dad's deep disappointment in me.

That one got heavy. Not the flashlight. A lot of sighing. A lot of sighing for sure. He never hit me with the belt. I was just, it's just he needed his pants. Don't make it dark. Yeah, don't make it dark. Before we begin the show, I'd like to thank our patrons. Patrons without you, there would be no this show. You keep us in the perfect place. And if you'd like to learn

how to join their ranks, be sure to stick around until the end of the show. And with that out of the way, Noah, tell us what person, place, thing, concept, phenomenon or event we'll be talking about today. Today, we're going to be talking about odd screw lengths. Alright. Eli, you already had a screw loose. Are you ready to tighten up? I'll give it my best shot. That's a screw like joke. You're going to love it at the end of the essay, everybody.

Will they? Alright, Eli. So what are some odd screw lengths? So the common screw, pivot point and and tool as we know it dates all the way back to the Bronze Age and honestly there hasn't been much improvement since then. The use of surface area to secure fast to hold it is in in terms of physics it's really it's good. I'm sorry really it's good I'm sorry really it's good dude sorry uh the the use of surface area to secure fast which is a screw term to hold it another screw term by the measure of surface there see that part yeah man you did are you okay

what's happening do you want to stop the record? No, I'm fine. It's just You guys ever get to a party at the wrong time like like you show up way too early And even before you walk in you like no, uh-oh something's wrong. Yeah, I kinda I don't I don't know I'm early to every party. Do you guys feel like that now? Dude, what are you talking about? No, you know, he's right. I do feel like the timing's off, like we forgot something. Did we forget something? Holy shit. Something must have vanished from the pod-castiverse.

Something what? From the what? The pod-castiverse, guys. We must have destroyed something and then destroyed our memories with it. Tom, Tom, do you still have your mini fridge? Okay, which one, car or studio? A studio, I guess? Yeah, definitely.

Okay, check the vegetable crisper. If it's anywhere, I would have put it in there. Vegetable crisper? What are you talking about? Okay, Eli, did you put soy nuggets in here? Yes. Okay somewhere it would be safe. Let me see those I'll grabby. Yes. Yes. Here it is. Okay Eli if you're reading this the show has grown dangerously close to crawling up its own ass I worry the heart and soul of the podcast will be sacrificed. That's me

No, it's not. But I can't write more here because anything that would destroy it would destroy any mention. If you feel you have lost something, search in the place you sought to avoid. What could that mean? The place you sought to avoid. Crossfit probably. No, no wait. What did the note say about the show? It said it had grown dangerously close to crawling up its own ass.

Well, that's it. We've got to crawl up our own asses. Yes. Dude, what? Whatever we lost. If it's where we're avoiding, we've got to find it by crawling up our own asses. Okay. But how do we even just quick, quick, Eli, um, what's that essay you

wanted to do about the painting? Oh Yeah, Ivan the terrible and his son Ivan Yeah, I was thinking I could use that sort of fictionalized moment in time as a larger canvas to talk about the Russian Revolution on a larger scale He's not gone he's disappeared up his own ass now you guys go I'm not doing that. Yeah, no, he's disappeared up his own ass. Now you guys go. I'm not doing that. No, that's disgusting. Look guys, I don't know what we lost, but whatever it is, I'm determined to find it.

You can join me or not, but I'm going. Well, there are really four factors that make the Dreamcast a system well ahead of its time in this market. Yeah, what the hell? Third party voting was invited by the right to sabotage Democrats. I mean, that's just, that's just true. There's literally documentation on that.

I unshlorp to agree with you on this point. Right. I mean, like, there's a pretty big difference between the FIFA PS5 games year to year once you get into them. So, Okay. Well, there they go. What do you want to them, so... Okay, well, there they go.

What do you want to do, Tom? Uh, I don't know, man. It might be worth a look. Look, this show is fine. We make jokes, we tell stories, people learn stuff, people like it. I don't want to disappear at my own ass, man. I know, I mean, whatever we do, this episode is already a podcast episode about the format of the podcast, though. Yeah, that's fair. Where are we? Guys, guys, they're awake!

Finally! I thought we were going to have to wait for you guys to restart. Everyone's a critic. Okay, for the record, I like that show. Thank you, Heath. You are welcome, Tom. Okay, but seriously, where are we? Well, the scene opened with us gaining consciousness, so I'm guessing we're in one

of Eli's lazy sketches. So, okay, wait a second. One of Eli's lazy sketches. Okay, I remember. We pushed a button and killed the sketch. I remember that. Yeah, me too. Yeah, so do I, guys, but we had good reason to remove this sketch.

It was alienating new listeners. Every third sketch, the punch was someone fucking Heath's mom. That's like starting a podcast with 30 Yo Mama jokes. Okay, fucking Heath's mom will never not be funny. Okay. Look, we must be here for a reason, right? Thinking about it. Well, maybe our answer is here.

Maybe there's a way we can save the sketch without alienating new listeners. But where do we even start looking? Well, we're in the podcast-iverse. Maybe we just ask around. Sure. Couldn't hurt. All right, then. Here we go.

Dude, Noah, is that a bomb? Yeah. No, it's an Eli sketch. How do we move on to the next scene? Here we go. Dude, Noah, is that a bomb? Yeah. No, it's an Eli sketch. How do we move on to the next scene? I can't believe you didn't like the Marvels. Tell me what you did like about the Marvels. I liked the feminism.

See nobody liked the Marvels. They're just pretending because sexist didn't like it. Well, that's a good enough reason Eli guys You can stop with the pop culture preamble. We're here Hey guys, what are you doing here Wow a lot of voices on this track, huh? A lot of work for whoever's gonna edit this that's for sure Cecil, please Marsh. Do you know anything about a sketch? Wait, wait, wait. Why is Marsh in the podcast world? Podcast averse Tom. He's been on the show if we mention you enough or you're on the show you're in the podcast averse

Is that how it works Elizabeth Warren Elizabeth Warren Elizabeth Warren? They have to agree they have to have to agree to be on the show. Oh Elizabeth Warren, I think she'd like my fun facts, right? Anyway Marsh, do you know anything about a sketch? A sketch? Oh, like the little skit things you do on your shorts? Yeah, yeah. We killed ours by pushing a giant button and we want to get it back.

Ah, I mean, Andy Wilson knows way more about killing than I do. Right, right. His podcastiverse. No. Wait, that's it! Where do the things we kill go? I don't know man, we don't kill things. Oh yes we do, follow me!

Wait we can follow you? Why did I blow us up with a bomb? We did that one! Right did that one. Thanks Marsh. Yeah, see ya man. Thanks, Marsh. Yeah. See you, man. Sorry.

Did you not need anything else? No. I think we're good. I mean, I only mentioned because you guys record citation needed like 730 at night in the states, which would make it like what? 1 a.m. my time. I mean, yeah, I guess so. I really care.

Right. So if you weren't at my house in the podcast-iverse, I'd have had to like stay up until 1 AM in order to say what? Four lines? Right. But, but we are in the podcast-iverse, Marsh. Yeah, no, no, I suppose we are. Yeah. All right then.

Thanks Marsh. Yeah, sorry. I'm totally doing to the COVID over this. Okay can I open my eyes now? Yeah, that's the second way Eli knows how to open a sketch. So we're here I guess. Where? The Hall of Forgotten Bits.

The sketch must be around here somewhere. Yeah. Phew. Most of these did not age well. Man, like a lot of these have Eli's name on them. Like most of them. Okay, I don't think we need to take a census, guys. Just look around, see if you can find something, please.

These things are everywhere. Looking for these? Senior pets? What are you doing here? Seize them! Hey, hey, Get off of me! Who are these people? Yeah, and why do they look like us?

Who are they? Legions. Jets. Clone armies for a one-liner. We are the bits you cast aside, gentlemen. And we demand... revenge. Knock them out! Wait... knock us what?

And we're awake again Dude Eli, you got to take a sketch writing class or something with what time heath? Okay guys, that's enough We're tied up here by what old jokes Clones, what are we even doing here? What? Indeed. Okay this guy again senior pets. Why are you even doing here? What? Indeed. Okay, this guy again? Senior Petz, why are you even doing this? Why? To defend the reputation of my beloved Turkey, that is why. Right, because he's an Armenian genocide denier. He's a what?

Don't look at me, man. You're the one who mispronounced a word. Oh, God. Elizabeth Warrin. I don't think that word once. Oh, God. Elizabeth Warren. I don't think that's how it works, Heath. Call me names if you wish, gentlemen, but very soon you'll be gone. And I will be writing a very special essay about the truth. Wait, what's... what's that? Who? Oh, these?

These we have plenty of down here. This is bitterness. The death of all podcasters. What's that cool? Oh this? This we have plenty of down here. This is bitterness. The death of all podcasters. No matter how much money you make or how successful you are, nothing kills a podcaster like bitterness. And now it will be the end of you. I mean, nice try senior pets, but we're not bitter. Yeah, we love our jobs

Of course you do say you have been doing this show for a while How come you have never been on iTunes new and noteworthy? I mean, that's not how the system works Yes, like it's hand-selected. It's not maybe Yes, I was just gonna say that maybe, just maybe, we didn't do episodes like this we would have. Guys, guys! We can't descend into bitterness. That's what this guy wants! Okay, okay, that's fine. Just don't think bitter thoughts. We got this. Seriously, who was that? Sorry. You stay puff marshmallow man.

Again, Tom? No, that was me being bitter at Tom for getting stay puffed. Sorry. I remembered every wasted business meeting where nothing gets done and then quitting that job so I could do that on podcasts too. Eli, do something! He's obviously one of your bits! Oh, are you sure? Eli's doing such an amazing job with the voice, I just couldn't tell!

I mean, accents are hard, it's fine. Okay, okay, I've got an idea, but you guys are gonna have to trust me. Alright, anything. I think maybe Keith should apologize. Ah, I'm sorry, what? Yeah, like maybe the secret that unlocks the chains is if you apologize for suggesting that we kill the sketch. Are you serious right now?

No, it's true, those chains are unlocked with the apology locks. Shut the fuck up, you racist cat! I didn't even suggest the sketch go away. Cecil did. Actually, hold on, I suggested moving it to post-show shenanigans, and Eli was the one that suggested that it was hackneyed and boring and that every sketch wound up fucking Heath's mom or everyone dying so he was fine removing it. Right, but in the podcastiverse, Heath suggested it. Oh, why did I do it in the pod-cast-iverse? I think it's just funnier when you do it. No, it follows the theme of enmity. Yeah, I see that.

Yeah, I think so. I don't know what that means. I'm not doing it. Fine, fine. Okay, I have one more idea, but you guys are not gonna like it. I don't like any of your ideas! Okay, fair enough. Here we go!

Same. Holy shit, no! What? What did he do? He b****d. We're in the now what's the it's it's outside of the show so we're just us now no no technically we're still in the podcast verse we're just in the studio you guys don't have a studio we do in the podcast diverse okay okay so is the sketch studio. We do in the podcast-iverse. Okay, okay.

So is the sketch here? Nope. Nothing's in the- Okay, so how do we leave? Do we swoosh? No, swooshes only change location or time. Why do you know that? Eli emailed us a chart. It's true, I did.

I didn't open it. I thought it was another dick pic. So what do we do? Just sit here? No. Unfortunately, we have to go one layer deeper. Deeper than a b**** out of a swoosh? That's impossible! Oh, it's possible. But how? Only one way.

Do you guys think people are liking this part of the show? Dude, what? Do you think people listening to this part of the podcast are enjoying it? You can't be serious. I just want to know if you guys think this bit's too much. Do you think the bit's gotten old? Seems long. Unbearable. Unbearable. Because I think people might be really liking it. I just think it's really brave of us to challenge the form.

You know, like, like a lot of podcasts tell jokes, but we're like talking about the nature of podcasting while we do it, you know? Yep, that did it. Did what? Oh, we disappeared up our own asses in our own assets. And we still don't have any idea how to save the sketch. Ooh, I do. Who are you?

I'm Oro, the fuckbuddy patron who won the speaking part on your show. Oh yeah, we made you a tree, right? You did. So, do you know how we're going to save the sketch? Without, without alienating people, please? I do. The answer is... Me.

You're... You're going to be on the show now? No. Guys, I'm a... like a metaphor? For the patrons. From now on, patrons get before-show shenanigans and the regular version of the show won't. Hey! But that might work.

The patrons. Hey. Well, that might work. The patrons. Huh. I guess a few of them did say they wanted it back. Nine. I'm sorry, what? Just, it was nine people, fourteen comments across four episodes, just in case you wanted the actual... Eli?

Sorry, doesn't matter. Okay, so if we promise that the patrons get before episode shenanigans, we can have them back without alienating new listeners. I think so. So, what do we do now? How do we leave? Do we have to swoosh a beep doodly do something up our asses some more? No.

Once you ask a paying patron to come on your show to suggest to you your own idea, you're as far up your own ass as you can get. Uh, right. Yep. That tracks. That tracks. You're as far up your own ass as you can get. Oh, right. Yep. That tracks. That tracks. We're back. And so is all the shenanigan stuff. My cloning machine. Oh, am I going to make use of you? Oh, it's my cheese closet. Nice. I don't know. I don't know, guys.

I feel like something is missing. Yeah, there's something we forgot. Clip clop, clip clop. Clip clop, Tom, you're back. Clip clop, clip clop. Clip clop, clip clop clop, clip. You weren't? Clip clop, clop. Clip clop, clip clop clop, clip clop, clop. Clip clop, clop. Clip, clop, clip, clop, clop. Clip, clop, clop. Clip, clop, clop.

Yeah, I guess you were a clip-clop, Tom. I guess you were. You guys want to get dinner? I'd love that, Cecil. Clip, clop? Ooh, I could totally do B-Dubs. Yeah, they have tofu wings now. That sounds awful. You sound awful.

You hear that, babe? We fucking made it out. We sure fucking did, babe. What do you wanna fucking do now? Now, we destroy the podcaster-verse once and for all. Mwahahaha! Or maybe you don't. We'll see how people like this. Feels like a big swing, you know,

I think people are going to go ahead and get the Thanks for watching!