Citation Needed - Sun Wukong the Monkey King

Episode Date: September 25, 2024

Sun Wukong (Chinese: 孫悟空, Mandarin pronunciation: [swə́n ûkʰʊ́ŋ]), also known as the Monkey King, is a literary and religious figure best known as one of the main characters in the 16th-century Chinese novel Journey to the West.[1] In the novel, Sun Wukong is a monkey born from a stone who acquires supernatural powers through Taoist practices. After rebelling against heaven, he is imprisoned under a mountain by the Buddha. Five hundred years later, he accompanies the monk Tang Sanzang riding on the White Dragon Horse and two other disciples, Zhu Bajie and Sha Wujing, on a journey to obtain Buddhist sutras from India, known as the West or Western Paradise, where Buddha and his followers dwell.[2]

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pop culture moms, find it wherever you get your podcasts. ["The Good Morning America Show Theme"] Hello and welcome to Citation Needed, the podcast where we choose a subject, read a single article about it on Wikipedia and pretend we're experts, because this is the internet and that's how it works now. I'm Noah and I'm going to be this episode's regent, but to do this right I'm also going to need some earthly manifestations. First up, two men who cannot be trusted with prehensile tails, Cecil and he. You don't even trust me with one of those little grabber, those little hand grabber

tools? Smart, empathetic. I got a prehensile head. I feel like that's something. And also joining us tonight, two men who would be happy to take a Monkey King if it meant we could stop letting Republicans vote, Tom and Eli.

I mean, if the Republicans vote, we get the Monkey King. That's right, yeah, exactly. That's true. And of course, before we get started, I want to take a minute to remind our audience that if it wasn't for the patrons, we wouldn't be here. So if you're looking for somebody to blame, it's on them as much as us. If you'd like to learn how to share in the blame, be sure to stick around to the end

of the show. And with that out of the way, tell us Cecil, what person, place, thing, concept, phenomenon or event we'll be talking about today. Today we're talking about the Monkey King, apparently. All right. And Eli, you read the essay. Are you ready to pretend towards knowledge? I'm ready for your oohs and ahs, no illusions.

All right. So tell us who is the Monkey King. So Sun Wukong is the main character of the best 2000 page novel you've never read. Stop blummingming you preps. Exactly. He's as kick ass as Batman. He's as sneaky as Loki. And it's almost impossible to imagine anything from Avatar,

the last airbender to Game of Thrones without his incredible influence. OK, so your essay is about a fictional character that it is no. That it is. See, as the gamers in our audience are already well aware, this year the long-awaited video game Black Myth Wukong hit digital shelves, and it has been a massive hit. As of this recording, it's sold more than 10 million copies, and the game and characters are all heavily based on the book from which song Wukong Originates the journey to the west one of China's four great classical novels

Okay, Eli are you gonna pretend that you've read a 2,000 page book here because like I want a yes and but I I've seen you give up on phone charger instructions It's fair. Uh, no. I haven't read the book. No, my relationship with Journey to the West started as all great stories do, in front of Saturday morning television. There I sat, bowl of sugary cereal in front of me, enjoying my favorite anime, Dragon Ball.

Its main character, Goku, was fighting some bad guy or another in his giant ape-like Saiyan form, accompanied by whacks from his magically expanding fighting stick. When my dad, usually one to ignore whatever TV I was watching, asked me, hey, is that Song Wukong? Because unlike me now and then, he had read the book, and was actually pretty excited to see a version of the character anywhere in the Western world. A week later, I held Anthony C.U.'s famous four-volume, 2,300-page translation

of Journey to the West in my hands. And you... read it? I sure did it in all occasions. I made it about half a page into the intro before I got bored and never touched it again. Yeah. But my pop was no quitter, so the following week, he brought me home a comic book adaptation of that book, which I quickly devoured. Since then, I've dived into two of the significantly shorter abridgements of Journey to the West

and enjoyed a couple of the Chinese movies of the story and thus... The one with the pictures on every other page? The one with the pictures on every other page the one with the pictures exactly and thus by the standards of our podcast I am more than qualified to talk about it. The standards of our podcasts are lower than swiping on a dating app Eli. All right well with a personal pre-subject diversion that would make Tom jealous out of the way tell us what is a journey to the west? Right. So like I said, it's one of China's four great classical novels. It's broken into 100

chapters. And as I've said a couple of times now, it's more than 2000 pages. And it's mostly an allegory for enlightenment. It's chock full of poems and songs and myths and legends. And as I said at the beginning, it's hard to overstate its influence right aside from Dragon Ball and Black Myth Wukong which I already mentioned you'd be hard pressed to find a piece of anime or eastern culture that doesn't have some element of Journey to the West in its DNA. Journey to the West it's often been said is like if Shakespeare had written Star Wars. Nice.

I mean if George Lucas had a team of ghost writers, those movies might have been good. My curiosity is peak. You lie. Yeah. Hey, it would actually have been even better if Ben Johnson had written them. Thank you.

Yes, correct. So in fact, originally, I was thinking I'd do this essay on Journey to the West. But then I realized that we didn't have anywhere close to enough time to cover its story. So taking a page from the novel itself this week, we'll just be talking about chapters one through seven, the origins of Song Wukong, the Monkey King. Yeah, no, the problem is, is that he knew too much about the 2000 page

novel to do an episode listeners. You knew too much. It was. Yes. Yes. Yeah. How many pages was the book? To do an episode listeners, you need too much. It's too big. It was girthy, my knowledge. Wait, how many pages was the book? I don't think I've mentioned it. I don't think I've mentioned it. It's very, which is weird because I've already admitted I didn't read it. So it's like talking about someone else's dick. Did the book win a Lee Bennett Hopkins award by any chance?

No, it wishes. It wishes. So our story begins on Flower Fruit Mountain, the Mount Olympus of Journey to the West. It's an island paradise full of dragons, magic birds, immortal peach trees, and one really big rock at the very top of a stone pillar at the very top of a mountain.

Seems like a terrible place for a really big rock, if you ask me. You would think, right? Well, you're just asking for trouble. Actually, as luck would have it. It would be like an Indiana Jones thing. Yeah, exactly. Well, Sisyphus purges it up there, just walks away whistling like, I got it. I got it.

Got it. First try. Yeah, that'll hold. Slaps it. He's taping it to the roof of his car as he drives up. Yeah, so as luck would have it, the top of that pillar on the top of that mountain is exactly the location where the forces of Yin, the Earth, and the forces of Yang, the Heaven, meet.

And so the Rock gets pregnant. The Rock also gets pregnant in the upcoming reboot of Twins with him and Kevin Hart. I'm kidding. It's a bad time limit. It isn't that bad, guys. It isn't that bad guys. It's not bad. I think you thus spark Zarthustra's dad into existence. Yeah, I'd be careful. So the pregnant rock- I feel like you haven't read that book either now Eli. I also haven't. I also haven't. Thus, I'm pretty sure that's not in that book. Yeah, also it's not the name of it, the thing you said. Exactly. Yeah. So the pregnant rock bursts open to reveal another rock.

Specifically, a stone egg. Now, the top of the stone pillar at the top of the mountain also happens to be where the four elements, fire, water, wind, and earth, all meet. So after each gently touches the egg, the egg hatches and gives birth to a stone monkey. Okay, for some reason, I don't know why, this isn't the point, egg, the egg hatches and gives birth to a stone monkey. OK, for some reason, I don't know why this isn't the point, but I'm picturing

fire showing up late to that with like donuts and kind of. Yeah, 100 percent. Come on, the three of you all cancel me out like each of you separate. This is bullshit. It's true. It's fair. Fair. Now, the stone monkey feels pretty lucky to exist. So the first thing he does is bow to the four cardinal directions to thank well Everything for existing and the shine of his eye is so magnificent that it reaches the palace of the Jade Emperor in heaven What are the who know the monkey shines Noah? It's the monkey

Yeah, so okay a little bit of explanation is in order so Chinese cosmology rules for a bunch of reasons first of all all the Eastern religions kind of smooch together in the novel Right Taoism Confucianism Buddhism and they're not in the lame like no my prophet is the real one and you guys are all going to hell now way that Judeo-Christianity does it the gods of all the Eastern religions all just kind of a way that Judeo-Christianity does it, the gods of all the Eastern religions all just kinda hang out and do their best to manage an admittedly confusing political pecking order. So, the Jade Emperor, who I mentioned before, is the ruler of heaven, and his backstory is sufficiently apeshit that I kinda have to include it. See, the Jade Emperor was once a wise and mighty ruler of the kingdom of pure felicity

and majestic heavenly lights and ornaments Yeah, he actually won the contest at his HOA subdivision three years running So back then the earth was way suckier than it is now I don't believe you well there was well there were way less gods to protect people and way more shitty monsters So Jade Emperor decides to power up his Dao to help out. He goes to the Bright and Fragrant Cliff, TM, for 327 million years. His tax cuts to the ridge.

And when his Dao is extra Daoist, he kicks a bunch of demon ass and that's how he became the Jade Emperor. Feels like every plot to every Jason Statham movie. Okay, look, he looked old in Beekeeper, but not 327 million years old. 325 million if he was a dad. Thank you, yes.

Okay, so back to the monkey with the shining eyes. Now, a lot of modern depictions of this moment actually get the passage wrong. When they depict the shine of his eyes reaching heaven, they show it like laser vision or a spotlight and don't get me wrong, that's cool. But the shine of your eyes is actually something different. Yeah, that sounded ridiculous.

What really happened? Thank you, Keith. So if you watched anime or even certain broader genres of Eastern cinema, you know about this moment when a badass character appears on the scene and they turn around and their eyes go, she is about cool. They are.

Mm hmm. That's what the shine of your eyes means. In Western literature, you'll hear something like their eyes flashed with anger or something like that. It's the same thing. So the point of this passage is that this monkey is so badass and cool that his introductory eye shing reaches all the way to the ruler of heaven who's like, oh shit, that cannot be good.

And to be fair to the Jade Emperor, he was spot on the money. Okay, kind of took him a while though. He was like, oh, it's just a stone monkey birthed from birth in heaven, fucking a boulder using fire, earth, wind and water. Hold on, wait a minute. You guys saw that shing-eye thing just now, right? When I said fucking rocks, I meant like it's super fun, not fuck a rock. Never mind, never mind.

Same. Anyways, for right now, Sung Woo Kong is just a monkey, albeit one who is made out of stone. So he hangs out with some other monkeys. Now these monkeys like to bathe in a river at the bottom of a monkey. Albeit, one who is made out of stone. So he hangs out with some other monkeys. Now these monkeys like to bathe in a river at the bottom of a waterfall. And one day, one of the normal monkeys is like, ah man, if only one of us were brave enough to jump to the top of this waterfall, that monkey, that monkey would be our king. And Sun Wukong is like, say no more, and he jumps the fuck out of that waterfall. You know, on second thought, leg strength seems like a bad way to choose a leader.

You know, I mean, I take it this election. See, that's why you have to train plyometrics. You know, you need that explosiveness. If you ever going to be more than an anthropomorphic shining eyed stone, simian demigod, my man, you know, more plates, more dates. You know what I mean? Yeah, I agree. It's a real saying, isn't it?

It sure is. Fucking course it is. So Cecil I agree terrible way to choose a king motherfucker pull a sword out of a rock or jerk off a horse or something normal like a normal king. Exactly yeah. So on the other side of the waterfall, Song Wukong finds a beautiful cave with an iron bridge and a giant stone mansion filled with furniture And all the cool shit monkeys stone or otherwise could want so all the monkeys move in and as they promise they make him their king So he names himself handsome monkey king. Okay. Yeah, are you just like telling us a dream you had like well fuck you if you just ask Like, well, fuck you if you just ask one. Like, don't do this whole thing. Oh, I wish. I wish. So, the monkeys all lived like that for a while,

but then one day, one of the older monkeys died. And Handsome Monkey King is like, hey, what the fuck is Rick doing? And the other monkeys are like, oh, that's dead. He's, that's what dying is. And Handsome Monkey King is like, well, that sucks! Does everyone do that? And the monkeys are like, yeah, pretty much

everyone does that. There's a couple of humans who are immortal, but yeah, pretty much everyone dies. So Handsome Monkey King is like, fuck that! And he builds a raft and he sails to the land of men to find an immortal and learn his secrets. Okay, and I think I know the next part. Is that where he rips the face off that lady on Oprah and then everyone pretends monkeys aren't in different capricious incarnations of pure evil? Jesus Christ. I gotta be honest, I'm not seeing the connection to Batman here at all.

So far so. And you're not looking, no illusions. You're not looking. I do remember Batman ripping that lady's face off on Oprah. Exactly! He ate that lady's face off. And you get a face! And you get a face!

Traumatized by a death, takes strange actions to remedy said death. I mean, there's a lot there! Read deep. So, he gets to the land of men, but he's a giant stone monkey, so most people just run away when they see him. So... He steals some clothes and hides his face so he can go amongst the people looking for immortals. He's got a flayed human skin over his back like a lion.

Stop running away. Ah, come on again. What are you? I recognize that face from Oprah. Hold on a second. So he looks and he looks, but he mostly just sees like humans being jerks. And just as he's about to give up, he hears a woodcutter singing a song. And that song includes a reference to some super duper secret wisdom called the yellow court

scripture so handsome monkey king is like dude how do you know about the yellow court scripture are you one of those immortals and the woodcutter is like no no but i learned the song from a guy who lives in a cave in this forest and he's immortal so monkey Monkey King is like, huh, that's very roundabout. Let me meet the guy then and he heads into the forest and finds the cave. Yeah, it turns out it's just Noah and his first apartment selling enough weed to maintain his habit. I think you're thinking of the Green Court scripture, Cecil. That's pretty hard to stop with a stone monkey on your back though. Thank you. And five year old Tom being like, parent me, parent me. Yeah, exactly.

So handsome monkey king, he knocks on the door to the cave and it's answered. Monkey dies. Jew dead lady. Had. So, so monkey king knocks on the door to the cave and it's answered by a celestial child, which is the child of a god and a person.

Something that is way more common and way less rapey in Chinese Mythology than it is in Greek or Judeo-Christian myth I see no way you reach a consensual relationship dynamic when one of you as a god and the other one isn't These are actually the speeches they gave at my wedding and it's really nice to hear you Yeah, right. No, exactly. These are actually the speeches they gave at my wedding, and it's really nice to hear you guys say it. Anyway, the celestial child is like, are you here to learn wisdom?

And handsome Monkey King is like, fuck yeah, I am, dude. And so the child lets him inside. And inside he finds the great sage Puti Sushi, the Chinese fictional version of Sabuti, a real guy who was one of Buddha's 10 original disciples. Okay, I love it for the disciple of Buddha to stop using his toddler demigod as a butler. I feel like that's not enlightening. It's not just one toddler, it's like a whole army of toddlers.

Anyways, it's a whole army. Bodhisutri is like, hey man, are you the exact middle of heaven and earth and also the four elements? And Handsome Monkey King is like, I am, thank you for noticing middle of heaven and earth and also the four elements and handsome monkey king is like, I am thank you for noticing. Will you teach me to be immortal and podi sushi is like, I absolutely will teach you to be immortal. But first I'm going to change your name. You remind me of a monkey. So I'm going to change your name to Sung Woo Kong, which means monkey awakened to emptiness. Okay. I'm sorry about that. I just read a bunch of Elber Camus, so it's... I'm sorry about that. I just read a bunch of Elber Camus, so it's...

Yeah, I'm Team Blue Pill all the way. You can keep your fucking emptiness. It's fair. It's fair. Sorry, Eli, there's an army of demigod toddler butlers, and you didn't mention it. You just like, skate over it. You just called it one child. Well, there's actually... He actually goes on a bunch of adventures with the celestial children, but I felt like it was a distraction, and when I looked, my essay was 15 pages long. One child. Well, there's actually he actually goes on a bunch of adventures with the celestial children. But I felt like it was a distraction. And when I looked, my essay was 15 pages long.

There was some jobbing. See me after the show. See me after the show. We'll talk. We'll talk. We'll talk. Eye contact. I'm doing the pointy thing.

My eyes. Okay, good. So Song Wukong studies with Pudi Zushi for about seven years. He's learning wisdom. He's cleaning the grounds with an army of toddlers until one day, in the middle of a sermon about Dao or something wise, he stands up and he's like, hey, don't get me wrong, I am ba-ba-ba-ba-ba loving it here, but I'm also really looking to be immortal. Any chance we can kind of skip ahead to that lesson? So Puti Xuxi hits him on the head three times with a stick,

shuts the gates to his house in his face, which all the celestial children take as a rejection, but Sun Wukong realizes is a secret signal that he does know how to be immortal, and he's totally gonna teach him now. So that night he shows up at a secret entrance at the secret time, but getting hit in the head three times, apparently told him about, and Pootie Zushi is there and he's like, oh my god, I'm so glad you read me hitting you in the head as the affirmation it was, let me teach you to be immortal.

Okay, the version of that that I learned at a Zen Dojo was that you sit outside the gate and they come out and hit you with a stick just like every so often, but after three days, they eventually let you in. Tyler let you in eventually? Why would you want to go in? That's what I said! I was like, A, why would you tell me that secret? B, I'm not going to use that. Why would anybody want to go in? And they were like, ah, we would. And then they pour the lie on your hand and you have to look right in the eye.

By the way, the origins of that practice are literally this novel. Anyways, so he has super cool secret immortality lessons with Pudi Zushi for three years, and when he's got it, Zushi's like, okay, so good news is you're pretty much immortal. Nope, that's called mortal. Yep, he's describing mortal.

The bad news is the gods hate it when people. It's a binary. Yeah, pretty much. So the bad news that the gods hate it when people are immortal. So the bad news is that the gods hate it when people are immortal. So they're going to try and kill you three times, once every 500 years. Again mortal. That just can't work. First, they're going to strike you with lightning. Then if that doesn't work, 500 years later they're going to set you on fire. And if all else fails

500 years after that they're gonna disintegrate you all my disintegration. All right. Well, that seems like it would be inconvenient But the good good news is I'm gonna teach you the earthly multitude which will let you shape-shift into 72 different shapes Animals and trees but it's also gonna let you duplicate yourself and pretty much do whatever the plot might call for you to do. It's like the Superman movies. Oh, also I'm gonna teach you to fly and somersault 10,000 miles in a single flip.

Okay, if I'm a monkey king made of stone and you may be birthed from the convergence of the axes in the fabric of the universe and then some guy in a fucking cabin in the woods is teaching me to Avoid God's lightning bolts with a really good dive roll Like something's gone wrong

Simone Biles for you got to get this one just right. It's a two-pipe tuck. Okay. Exactly. So Wukong masters the 72 plot devices and one day he's hanging out with the celestial children, which he does. They're talking shot. And one of them is like, hey, can you turn into a pine tree? And Wukong is like, as a matter of fact, I can. So he turns into a pine tree and the army of celestial children are like, hey, do it again, do it again. But Pudi Sushi sees this and he's very mad at Wukong for showing off.

So he's like, never show off with your powers again. And also, don't tell anybody that I'm the one who taught you. And Wukong wakes up having only just met the woodcutter. And for the rest of the story, when anyone asks him where he gets his powers, he says, he learned them in his dreams. Okay so but I feel like somewhere in the 10 years of instruction there was room for, by the way don't show off the pine tree trick to just anybody, it's just a weird fucking oversight that he thought of it afterwards. You would think. So immortal and shapeshifting Sung Wookong heads

back to the sweet cave mansion on Flower Fruit Mountain only to find all his monkey friends have been kidnapped and made slaves by a monster known as the Monstrous King of Havoc. Man, that Allstate commercial has way more backstory than I'd imagined. That's what I said, right? It's everywhere. Everywhere. That's mayhem.

Yeah. They're brothers. God damn it, is it really? It is mayhem. Yeah, but I was yes ending. I was yes monster's house. God damn it. Is it really? It is Mayhem. Yeah. But I was yes ending. I was yes ending so hard. God damn it.

So he goes to the monster's house. I was like James Earl Jones? He just died. That's mean. Wow. So he goes to the monster's house and he's like, hey man, do you want to fight? And the monstrous king of havoc is like, hell yeah, I want to fight. And some will come.

I think it's the Monsters King of Mayhem. Sorry. Monsters King of Mayhem. I think you want to fight. And some monster king of mayhem. I think you have a joke. You must have that right. Correct. Yeah, it's the translation. You get it wrong. But some Wukong beats the shit out of him, freezes friends and then flies them all home with his new powers. So Wukong gets there and the monstrous king of Havoc's like, yeah,

the team of even indentured monkeys doesn't really get any work done. Didn't really think this. I'm just covered in shit all the time. They don't do anything for my mining operation. But yeah, no, yeah, let's fight though. Let's fight for sure. Maybe they're going to come up with Shakespeare eventually, but it's going to take forever.

Now I should take a moment here to admit that I am selling you, podcast listeners, short on one of the best things about Journey to the West. The fight scenes. This book is full of badass fight scenes and characters going, you have not seen my true power and stuff like that. Problem is, it's like comedy death. Trust me, I tried writing some of it out and there's just no room for jokes. It's literally just me like playing with action figures in an audio format.

So, trust me when I tell you... So, trust me when I tell you there was a fight, you can just assume it rocked. Okay, if there's a fight, it was cool. So they get home and Wukong's like, guys, I'm gonna be going on like adventures and stuff. So I'm gonna need to get you some weapons. So next time I leave, I don't want anyone to come by and enslave you. So he goes back to the palace of the monstrous king of mayhem, which is apparently chock full of weapons and he arms up all his monkey friends. And they just sat around breaking skulls with weapons as Strauss blares in the background.

Problem is he can't find a weapon that's powerful enough for him. But apparently one of these monkeys has heard that the Dragon Kings have cool shit, so Wukong heads off to the underwater palace of the Dragon King Ao Gong to see if he has any cool shit that he can have. I hope it's whips like the rundown. I just watched the rundown. It's all whips. Offhand whips.

Quick side note on Chinese dragons. Eli has spent his entire life hoping for an opportunity to string those words together. You also pay attention. Yeah. So Chinese dragons are kind of like nature gods, right? They're storm dragons and the fire dragons and water dragons, and they have their own political structure, which is underneath, but definitely in partnership with all the gods in heaven. And then there was like a lesser known dragon that calls every month about your

car's extended warranty. Dragon of not humid so much as just sticky. The patron dragon of Georgia. I think that's a grand dragon. Exactly. Oh, Jesus Christ. Oh no. It was the clan. Exactly.

Anyways, Wukong shows up at the palace and he asks for an introduction to Ao Gong, but Ao Gong doesn't want to see him, so he tells his guards to send him away. And the guards are like, oh, I'm so sorry. We can't see you right now. But Wukong's like, oh, I'm so sorry. You must be confused. See, I'm the Monkey King and your boss is the dragon king I'm sure he wouldn't want to send away another king

So I don't know if you heard this But I'm an immortal who just beat the shit out of a guy who calls himself the monstrous king of mayhem So this is when they're like, yeah, you gotta run down offering options The man the roots are okay stone monkey played by this rock come on yeah this is not right it's all coming together there's magic fruit later I'm telling you it's all coming monkey humps your face yeah so I'll go you guys are calling me we want to see the rundown

holy shit it's a great movie hey can I say you should watch the run down you So, Ao Gong shows Wukong. You guys are really making me want to see the rundown. Holy shit. It's a great movie. It's the greatest movie. Hey, can I say? You should watch the rundown. You will have exactly the experience you're thinking you might have. It's the best. So, Ao Gong shows Wukong his armory and he's showing him all these badass magical weapons,

but nothing's impressing Wukong until he finds this big fucking metal column in the floor that's like holding up the ceiling. And he's like, hey, how about this? Can I have this? And the dragon's like that's not a weapon That's the ruyi bang and I use it to keep the four seas stable and Wukong is like that sounds great I'm gonna take that that's that's what I want now And then he says it is a little big though and the staff which is magic hears him and shrinks down to a more manageable Monkey fighting size Wukong then turns it on its side and the staff, which is magic, hears him and shrinks down to a more manageable monkey fighting size. Wukong then turns it on its side and the staff basically says, this is a magic staff that follows the instructions of its true

owner, so if you just changed its size it's basically yours. Also, and this is very important, it weighs 17,550 pounds. Okay, this is the most, sir, this is a Wendy's version of harming your main character ever. It's pretty badass to be able to win a fight by going here hold my weapon though right? So Wukong shrinks his new staff down to the size of a needle which he puts in his ear for safekeeping but before he leaves he's like hey. Where do you keep your needles? He's like... Not ears. And he's like, he turns to Al Gong and he's like,

Hey, I bet you and the other dragons want to give me a sweet outfit too. And the Dragon King is like, Yep. Yeah, we totally do want to give you more stuff. Heavily armed, murdered monkey. And so he and the other dragons give him a golden chainmail shirt and a phoenix feather cap and cloud walking boots. And all the Monkey King had to do was a six minute sponsored YouTube video in each piece of clothing.

So Wukong heads back to Monkey Mansion, shows off all his cool new shit. Everyone's so impressed that the other animal kings that apparently exist want to form an alliance with him. So they form the seven sages with the Bull Demon king, the lizard demon king, the bird demon king, the lion spirit king, the macaw spirit king, and the snub-nosed monkey king. Sang Wukong is making up his admittedly monkey heavy super team. The dragons go to hell and complain about him to Yama, who is the king of hell. So Yama's like, guys, I got this. We'll wait until he falls asleep

and then we'll carry his soul to hell. So Wukong wakes up in hell and he's like, hey, I'm immortal. This is totally cheating. So he smashes his way into the palace of darkness to confront the 10 lower kings of hell about their little loophole thing. And they're like, sorry, Monkey King,

you signed up for Disney Plus and you waived your rights to sue us, so. It's actually pretty close, right? So the 10 kings of hell, they see this heavily armed, magical, shape-shifting monkey, and they're like, oh, you know what happened? We must have meant to get the soul of a different Wukong. That's probably a pretty common name.

Really? And the Monkey King's like, all right, show me the ledger of the dead then. There's a different person named Monkey Awakened to Emptiness. That's a... That is their excuse. Yeah, that is their excuse. That's like the Smith of Monkey Gods.

That's the Smith of Monkey Gods. Apparently, yeah. And so they give him the ledger of the dead and he scratches out his name as well as the name of all the monkeys he knows so that this doesn't happen again. And then he wakes up feeling much better in way less dead good to know that death can be thwarted with white out So this is a good eraser people are complaining

So at this point why do a few people are complaining to the Jade Emperor about Wukong. Right? The Dragon Kings aren't happy, the Kings of Hell aren't happy, and they want him to do something about it. So he's getting ready to have him arrested when the Spirit of Venus suggests that maybe they should just, uh, offer him a job up in heaven instead. Side note, the Spirit of Venus, who also goes by the Gold Star and the Gold Star of Venus, is kind of the peacemaker of Journey to the West. You know when your friends were playing like robbers and too many people got shot or eaten by fire snakes or whatever and you wanted to like reset the game so everybody could play again?

That's what the Gold Star of Venus does. I have no idea what the fuck kind of robbers did you play where people got eaten by fire snakes? Thank you! You didn't have cops and robbers? You were just all robbers. Did you play where people got eaten by fire? You were just all robbers robbers fire snakes, this is like robbers and Beowulf what the fuck is going on Used to play liars and damn liars. It was fun He had to read the graphic novel of bail with though Like the actual book. I can't fuck my mom. Anyways, the gold star of Venus.

Bailiff? He did? John Carpenter? He did. So the gold star of Venus goes down to earth and offers Wukong the job of Pimawen, or head of the imperial stables of heaven, which he eagerly accepts. So Wukong's working at the stables until one day he's, you know, shoveling celestial horseshit when it occurs to him to ask somebody what Himoan means.

And someone's like, oh yeah, that's like the lowest rank in heaven. And Wu Kong is super insulted, so he fights his way out of heaven and he goes back to Flowerfruit Mountain to salt. Yeah, I'm sorry, but did he think that he was shoveling horseshit, But like in a CEO sort of way, right? Let that sink in. Yeah He gets back to the mountain and his monkey friends are like so how was heaven and he's not gonna tell the truth So he's like, oh, it was great In fact, they gave me the title of the great sage equal to heaven So you guys should start calling

me that from now on. So the Jade Emperor hears about the fighting his way out of heaven and the calling himself equal to heaven thing and he's like that's it I'm sending two celestial soldiers down there to capture him. The mighty spirit god and Prince Nezza. So mighty spirit god is like okay monkey you're coming with us and Wukong's like unless I get a better title so they fight and Wukong wins. Okay title upgrade and pizza party on Friday is the new deal So now it's Prince Nez's turn and Nez is like come on dude

Don't throw a big fight like this grow up and the Monkey King is like you grow up I want to be called the great sage you go to heaven so Nez is like oh you want me to grow up I'll grow up all right And then he turns into a giant kaiju with a ton of weapons that come springing out of his back and it's awesome and Wukong is like oh yeah I know and Wukong's like oh yeah I could do that too and he turns himself into a giant kaiju that he could duplicate himself plus he has a magic stick so they have a kaiju fight and Wukong wins and it's okay I'm excited but like I feel just health-wise for you but but how pissed are you if you're Prince Nezza, right?

Cuz you've got like if you have armored Kaiju powers you have been dying to you like for a chance to use them for so Fucking long right and you're finally like, oh my god. This is my moment here it is and then he's like no I actually have multiplying Kaiju parts like I can double your power So up in heaven Jade Emperor sees this and he's like, okay, I'm going to go kill that fucking monkey myself. But Gold Star of Venus is like, dude, just give him a title. We send our army down there and he wins. It's going to embarrass us.

So the Emperor's like, yeah, that's a good point. And he sends the Gold Star of Venus down to offer Wukong the title of the great sage equal to heaven, which of course he accepts. All right. Well, a well-armed monkey has talked himself into a job in heaven again. So while I scold Eli for holding this story back for so damn long, we're going to take a quick break for some apropos of nothing. I'm telling you dude, this goat was like 15 minutes from death. You didn't grant him the boon, did you?

Well, of course I granted him the boon. Wait, seriously? Why? I thought that would count. You're like, you're like that doesn't count. Uh oh, here comes trouble. What's up other gods? Oh, hey Judeo-Christian God. We um, we weren't expecting to see you here. I know. Actually, I wasn't even invited. But I saw on wind dragons Facebook that he was coming to the event on Facebook and I was like, I've got to surprise these guys.

They are going to be so psyched. Yeah. Yeah. Psyched man. Yeah. So yeah, we were just talking about sacrifices. So, so the other day, oh my God, yeah, man, that reminds me to ever tell you guys about time I turned myself into my

own son? Then I sacrificed me to me to forgive the world for not being me. Forgive the world for not being you. Yeah, you told us. So like I was saying, the other day I'm getting a sacrifice, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Who sacrificed something to you? I'm totally going to kill that guy you know what never mind

yeah yeah whatever whatever no problem anyway I'm gonna go watch another school shooting you guys wanna come it's a great nah man I think we're okay dude all right all right hey hey don't talk about me when I'm gone cuz you know I'm omniscient omniscient yeah I got it man. No problem. Hey is is he really omniscient? Absolutely not the only two people on earth that he missed both of them eating fruit. Hey I heard that. Really what did I say? Something. See he's a fucking liar. Okay it's official we are very much in the final sprint to Election Day. And face it, between debates, polling releases, even court appearances, it can feel exhausting,

even impossible to keep up with. I'm Brad Milkey, I'm the host of Start Here, the daily podcast from ABC News, and every morning my team and I get you caught up on the day's news in a quick straightforward way that's easy to understand with just enough context so you can listen, get it, and go on with your day. So kickstart your morning. Start smart with Start Here and ABC News because staying informed shouldn't feel overwhelming. And we're back. When we left off, our loose cannon was stuck at a heavenly desk job, but it would be damned if he's kept off the case.

So, so what? He gets his monkey badge and gun back, I'm assuming. So Wukong's pretty happy with the new gig. He has his own heavenly apartment, he has a bunch of servants, the angel toddler people, to bring him whenever he wants, but the gods are worried he's gonna get bored and start breaking shit. So they come up with another job for him to do. Tending the garden of the peaches of immortality. He's like, 10 fucking years I pissed away, I could have just eaten a peach? Hahahaha! That's exactly how they have to treat Joe Rogan when he's backstage.

I believe it. I believe it. So the day of the annual Peach Festival rolls around and the Queen Mother of Heaven sends her seven color-coded immortal maidens to the garden to grab some peaches. But when they get there to the garden, there's no peaches, just a sleeping Wukong. And they wake him up and they're like, hey man, you're supposed to be keeping the peaches safe. And he's like, oh, they're safe already. Safe inside my tummy!

Which if you're keeping count now makes Wukong double immortal. So the maidens are not happy to hear this and they're like you're gonna ruin the big party at the annual peach festival and Wukong is like party? Don't mind if I do. So he casts a free spell on the maidens, impersonates a different immortal who was invited and sneaks into the party. So he makes his way into the party and the first thing he's hit when he gets into the palace is the best smelling wine he's ever smelled. This is the heavenly wine which also makes you immortal. So Wukong steals it and drinks all of it. So Wukong's so drunk that he accidentally stumbles into the 33 highest levels of heaven which are unguarded because only the holiest people are allowed up there and they're all obviously at the party.

Ah, the origin of the modern secret service finally revealed. In fact, while he's there, he spies the palace of Lao Tzu and he's like, Ah, sweet that dude who wrote the Tao Te Ching. I'm gonna go say hi to him. So he goes into the palace and he doesn't find Lao Tzu, but he does find Lao Tzu's alchemical lab and there on his desk are three gourds of Immortality pills and you can guess what he does with those sells them to people who have to deal with a pharmacy benefit manager Better I thought he was gonna crush him up and do We know he consumes them right so the now quadruple immortal Wukong sobers up and he realizes uh-oh People are probably gonna be pissed so he leaves the party and goes back down to earth

Just a giant stone monkey all drunk trying to act normal like he didn't just vomit in the bathroom during the party Yeah, stumbling out red face I'm sorry just just go going to Lao Tzu's palace on a different plane of heaven not count as leaving the party So like I said, it's back to flower fruit mountain and he just hopes nobody notices what he did But meanwhile back at the party, there's no wine. No peaches No pills of our immortality and the maidens and the guy who will come Impersonated to get into the party are all complaining to the Jade Emperor

So he's like, that's it! This monkey's going down! And he sends pretty much the entire Heaven army down to Earth to apprehend Wukong. And they try. But he's now quadruple immortal, has an army of well-loved monkeys, and a Sinister Six with a bunch of demon animals. And then the Supreme Court ruled that if an immortal stone monkey god does it, he has absolute immunity. You're not far off, Tom.

Meanwhile, up in heaven, Quan Yin, the Chinese Buddhist god of compassion, shows up to the party and she sees half the guests downstairs just getting their shit kicked in by a demon monkey down on Earth. So she sends her disciples, Moksa, who happens to be one of the princes of heaven, down to like check it out. Hey Moksa, this party sucks. If I give you 20 bucks, can you head to the liquor store maybe? It's closed today. It's closed today. Anyway, did I tell you about the time I torture murdered my son to save the souls of humanity? Yes. Yes. Yeah. So Wukong sees Moksa and he's like, oh, you're one

of those heaven guys. Are you here to fight me? And Moksa is like, I'm actually supposed to just be gathering information, but sure. Why not? And so Wukong kicks his butt. So Wukong, so Moxa gets back up to heaven and he's like, yeah, that monkey can really fight. But Kuan Yin has an idea. She tells the Jade Emperor that she knows just the person to fight Wukong, Erlang Shen, AKA Ancient China's Paul Walker. Yeah, so this guy thinks he's immortal.

He's not, but it should buy us a little bit of time. Well, here's hoping China's Paul Walker stands up to a giant pole better than. Jesus Christ. Too soon. You brought it. God. OK, let me explain the thing. So if the modern world has movie stars, athletes, and whatever the Kardashians are, ancient China has hydraulic engineers.

I know, that sounds weird, but you gotta remember how important agricultural technology was in China at the time. So if you figured out some cool water shit, you weren't just a rock star, they made you a god in their novels In fact, Erlang Shen isn't even the first reference to a hydraulic engineer superstar in Journey to the West Wukong's magic expanding staff is actually named after a different water technology guy So they're big deal. Anyways, Erlang Shen is the deification of Li Erlang, the second son of Li Bing, a hydraulic engineer of the Qin dynasty. Again, that's how famous the Superstar Water Science guys were. You could be

their second son and still get a god named after you. Anyways, Erlang Shen is the greatest warrior god of heaven. Not sure why they didn't think of sending him first, but they did. He has a three pronged swear, which is dope, but he also has a third eye with permanent truesight, which is very useful when fighting shape shifting monkeys. Why though? I imagine they get behind you. You know, they get behind real fat, lots of dive rolls, like really strong legs. Yeah, but they're 10,000 miles behind you, isn't that your problem? Have you seen Bloodsport?

Exactly. So Jade Emperor sends Erlang down and he's pretty much an equal match for Wukong. So they start turning it to Kaiju so they can really fuck each other up. Problem is Kaiju Wukong is so scary that his army of monkeys runs away, which bums him out so hard he decides he doesn't want to fight anymore. So he turns into a sparrow to escape, but Erlang is a shapeshifter too, so he turns into a sparrow hop and chases after him, which in turn causes Wukong to turn into a bigger thing and so on and so on and they do that for like 11 pages.

11 pa- 8 pages in, they both lost the thread. Flamingo! Myrmosa! Nope, that's nothing. Hang on. Which one are you going to do next? Siri? What is a capybara?

All right, wait. So to be clear, getting bummed out mid fight and trying to leave is called losing. Right? So he lost this fight. He's a fictional character and his author seems unable to deal with that, but that's what happens just now. 100%. Yeah. So the gods are all watching this. I like. He did Hawk and the other guy's like sparrow Hawk fuck you So the gods are all watching this and Lao Tzu is like, oh my god

You fighting gods are so much worse at fighting than you should be and he either traps Wukong in a diamond snare or Throws a diamond ring at his head which knocks him out in a diamond snare or throws a diamond ring at his head which knocks him out the two major translations completely disagree on this and while there are usually like notes in the more modern translation about why our translation is different than the older version it's just different with no explanation at all so I don't know what to tell you one of those things happens and I don't speak Chinese so Wukong captured so Wukong is captured and now it's time to execute him.

But if you remember, he's quadruple immortal now. So it's not like they can just cut off his head. But Lao Tzu has another solution. Is it cut off his head five times? Yeah, the quadruple immortal is still just immortal. This is like when Pizza Hut named a pizza the super supreme. You can't. If the one was supreme. Because the roots are so damn delusional. That's why.

So Lao Tzu suggests they put Wukong in his magic brazier of eight trigrams and leave him there for 49 days. That should separate the immortality stuff like the wine and the peaches and the pills from his body and then he'll just be a monkey in the heat inside We'll kill him man after 49 days. He must be really tender Falls right off the bat so the gods come back 49 days later and Wukong is very much not dead But the smoke did turn his eyes permanently red Which is one of the many reasons why no illusions will play him when we make our comedy audio drama of the rest of the story. Makes sense but no has been baked a lot longer than 49 days.

Oh yeah. I'm very tempted. Exactly. So red-eyed Wukong. The red eyes is cool with the Xing now. Exactly! Everything in this story is cool. So red-eyed Wukong pops out of the brazier. I love this! So red-eyed Wukong pops out of the brazier and he starts fucking up heaven again which leaves the Jade Emperor no choice but to call him the big guy himself the Buddha. Jade Emperor is just in the middle of the

ring shaking uncontrollably reaching toward the ropes to tap Buddha's hand. He's so close. And it's Buddha with the steel pillow. It, it literally is though. My God. It is though. So. Zafu. One last side note. If you're from the West, you're probably pretty confused

that I just talked about the Buddha, who you know as an Indian prince who sat under a tree, wrote down some good ideas about meditation. Well, that is a very, very modern notion of both Buddha and Buddhism. At the time, Journey to the West was written, Buddhism was the dominant religion in China, but it wasn't the only one by a long shot.

So the authors of the Journey to the West, who were Buddhists, were just like, yeah, Buddha is like king God, even above the other king God. He's king God's king God. So that's who the Jade Emperor asked for help. So the Jade Emperor of heaven is middle management. This is so disillusioning.

That's what I'm saying. To assist into the regional emperor. So Buddha comes down across. He's there. He's there. And he's like, hey, Wukong, why so aggro? And W Wukong is like I will not rest until I've overthrown the jade Emperor fight me and Buddha's like I'm not I'm not gonna fight you, but I'll make you a bet. I know I'm gonna stop you right there. No, no just the fighting It works on Wukong Wukong's like I'm listening He says look if you can successfully jump out of the palm of my hand,

I will let you overthrow the Jade Emperor. No, I said, no, we're just fighting. Well, Wukong fell for it and you didn't hate him, right? So when you start a journey to the east, you can not fall for Buddhist strength. So Wukong's like, maybe you didn't hear, but I can jump 10,000 miles in a single somersault. So he jumps all the way to the edge of the universe, to the five columns that hold up the sky. In fact, he's so pleased with himself that he graffitis edge of the universe to the five columns that hold up the sky in fact He's so pleased with himself that he graffiti is one of the columns and then peas on it for good measure

Is that a level of pleased? For some of us Exactly So then Wukong jumps back into Buddha's palm and he's like, ha, not only did I jump out of your palm, but I jumped to the edge of the universe. And Buddha's like, did you really look at those columns? And sure enough, he shows him his finger and it has Wukong's name and P on it.

Okay, weird way to prove a point, but okay, fine. I have your P on my hand face in your face. Victory sip? What's the dynamic here? I don't understand. That's why you don't take that with Buddha. Exactly. So Wukong's like, fuck, I am out of here.

But before he can escape, Buddha turns his hand into a mountain and keeps him under there with a magic seal where he stays for 500 years with only iron pellets to eat and molten copper to drink. So is it Denny's? How dare you, Cecil, we're enemies now. This is America's diner.

Why do you hate freedom Cecil? You want pregnant women not to work? Cause that's what you sound like. Like you don't want women to work while they're pregnant. Bitch, I didn't say Waffle House, I said Denny's. Best fucking ranch dressing in the business. People are eating dogs in the middle of the country, Cecil. People are eating dogs. They need denny's.

And a proud man stand and nest. Now that's not the end of the story because between Buddha and Wukong. Wukong will go on to be Buddha's greatest ally, his disciples, most important disciple, and very nearly his downfall, but that's the story for another day. For like 50 days. It's a really, really long book. What was it like?

Like a thousand pages? Two thousand, I don't know if you heard. Wow. What was it like? Two thousand? Crazy. It's over. It's a long joke, it's like an infinite joke.

Yes. Yes. And if you had to summarize- It's a long joke, it's like an infinite joke. Yeah. Yes. And if you had to summarize what you've learned in one sentence, Eli, what would it be? Don't fuck with the Buddha. All right, are you ready for the quiz? As long as it doesn't require reading the book, I'm in. All right, Eli, like many archetypal stories,

echoes of the Monkey King influence literature and the arts. So which is the best modern adaptation of this story a Curious george eats that peach. Oh shit b 12 monkeys one cup See chip crazy Yes! You know how girls won capuchin? Fantastic! That's fantastic and I now know that Tom and I are the only people on this call who watched Chimp Crazy because it's the fucking greatest thing and everyone else would be making these

noises if you would also watch Chimp Crazy. You should watch Chimp Crazy. Alright Eli, what should this movie be called? A. Bulletproof Monk E. Fantastic! D. Furious George, C, Fighty Joe Young, or D, P King Kong. Oh my God, really? I like Fighty Joe Young a lot.

Eli, which do you like best? I'm gonna go with Fighty Joe Young. It's P King Kong. Is it Fight gonna go with... It's Peking Kong It's Peking Kong, that's what it is Ahhhh Alright Eli, I got one more for ya How do we know that monkey gods aren't real? A.

Macacams razor There's no beers here dude But you know what? When you get it with Macacams razor, it's Maccaga's razor. That is incorrect. It was actually not the only possible answer and I win, I think, right? Yes, you do.

Regardless of what Cecil said, you win. Nice. Brought it back. Next week, thank you, Noah, for supporting me in the system. You're up next. All right. Well, for Eli, Tom, Cecil and Heath, I'm Noah. Thanking you for hanging out with us today. in the system, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash citation pod or leave us a five-star review everywhere you can. And if you'd like to get in touch with us, check out past episodes, connect with us on

social media or check the show notes. Be sure to check out citation pod.com. Which is why I, Jong-Ying have decided to grant your wish for her. Hey Jong-Ying, hey, who's this? Oh, it's, it's a 13 year old with cancer, man. I'm kind of in your wish for... Hey, Jong-eng! Hey, who's this? Oh, it's a 13-year-old with cancer, man. I'm kinda in the middle of a thing. Ah, yeah, yeah. You're getting her pregnant, huh?

No. Well then, do you mind if I... Yes, yes, I do. Whoa, whoa, whoa, right, right. Sorry, hey, hey. Got it. Hey, moms. Looking for some lighthearted guidance on this crazy journey we call parenting?

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